#i'm gonna fucking say it because it's friday and i know it's not related but

[waitmyturtles]

Emotionally, 23.5 (episode 10) is like a cheaply made puzzle, where like, the edges are cut roughly, so like, you THINK that you have the right pieces next to each other, but when you smush them in, and they don't fit QUITE smoothly enough, you're like, oh maybe there's another piece, but like, you CAN'T find another piece that works, because like, the piece you have in your hand IS the piece that is the right one for the picture you're making, or like, you THINK it is, so like, you keep smushing the pieces together, and you THINK the puzzle makes sense, but you kinda feel like you have the wrong piece, or worse, you're MISSING A BETTER PIECE, because everything's NOT QUITE JIVING.

I hope this post made as much sense as the emotional journey we attempted to take with the script in this last episode. What the FUCK is this script doing to Ongsa? A little more context, some smoother edges, would be really helpful here!

#what the fuck #all of a sudden ongsa's unexplained shit comes back #are we gonna get another i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry for the next episode? #and wave away all the need for more explanation again? #you can't really write this stuff away #we need to know why we need to cheer for these characters hello! #23.5 degrees #23.5 #23.5 degrees the series #23.5 the series #milklove #milk pansa #love pattranite #ongsasun #ongsa x sun #sun x ongsa #i'm gonna fucking say it because it's friday and i know it's not related but #i miss inkpa. #so lame but true to what i'm feeling right now #we got like maybe what 15 minutes of inkpa total? 10 MINUTES? #maybe 20 total including our skyy 2 if we were lucky? #and we got way more a story with inkpa including tons of insight into pa's dumbass parents #come on #by episode 11 we need to know why ongsa would be fearful of being out in front of her family #it's too late in the series to find out about this #because a point of the story would be that we'd go through her journey of confronting her insecurities duh!!! #wow i'm mad

[flashbangstars]

How People Found out you two were dating

NCT Dream Edition

pink ~ y/n

Blue ~ dream

Green ~ secondary character/another dreamie

Mark

"so um Jeno found out about us dating"

"oh, I thought we were waiting until game night to tell them"

"well yeah uh funny story, I tried to put my sweatshirt on at Jeno's house and your hot pink thong fell out of the sleeve onto his carpet."

"I WAS WONDERING WHERE THAT WENT"

"Yeah I know me too, besides that. Jeno got mad and lectured me on not leading you on if I had other girls I was doing stuff with, so I uh.."

"you told Jeno the hot pink thong was mine"

"yeah basically"

"and I have to face him on friday knowing he's seen my panties"

"to be fair he did say they were cute"

"you know that actually didn't help at all"

Renjun

"hey babe can you help me really quickly, I need help moving my monitor, the cord is stuck somewhere behind my desk"

"Y/n can it wait like 10 minutes"

"No it literally can't I have a assignment due in thirty minutes and I will literally jump off a fucking cliff if I don't get full credit for this"

"Nice Hello Kitty Underwear"

"Renjun you're the one who bought me these, you've seen them and taken them off me numerous times"

"oh he has!! has he!"

"go put some pants on please sweetheart"

"I'm so fucking terrified why were their two different voices just now"

"Hi y/n"

"I'm gonna start crying please tell me Jaemin didn't just see me in fucking hello kitty underwear"

"Y/n please go put some pants on"

"yeah....yeah I'll go do that...... Uh just so you know....im not letting him hit for free.....he did ask me out"

"congrats to the happy couple"

"fuck you"

Jeno

"so how did you all manage to fail the same test?"

"I cheated off of Haechan, and Haechan Cheated off of Jaemin, so its basically Jaemin's fault"

"hey I thought Jaemin knew what he was doing"

"Haechan, Jaemin never knows what he is doing"

"fair"

"oh fuck, I have to go babe I'm gonna miss the bus if I dont run, I will see you soon" *phatass smooch before leaving* *leaves*

5 minutes later....

"alright I'm back I missed the bus"

"DID YALL JUST FUCKING KISS?"

"....no"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO I FUCKING WATCHED IT HAPPEN"

"oh thats so crazy I think I just heard the bus, I have to go omg byeeeeee"

"so you're leaving me to deal with this"

"yes, bye pookie, smooches I'll see you later tonight, bye Haechan!"

Haechan

"are we gonna talk about it... or should I just ignore it"

"ignore what"

"im not following"

"are you two being serious"

"dude what the fuck are you talking about??"

"Haechan."

"what"

"you've been sitting in y/n's lap the entire time we've been here"

"and...?"

"we are literally just close friends"

"dog you are literally hand feeding haechan french fries"

"im literally baby"

"even that was a lot for me"

"im sorry pookie"

"allllriight get off, I wont be this couple"

"pookie did you just make it official!"

"can you please be normal"

Jaemin

"Hypothetically what do you guys consider too much for a gift for your significant other"

"well how long would you two have been dating"

"like 6 months...?"

"umm anything ring related, thats kinda scary, too reminiscent of marriage"

"well fuck"

"what do you mean oh fuck? what the fuck did you buy"

"a ring"

"what"

"what...."

"for who??"

"y/n"

"WHAT"

"Y/N?"

"WHY?"

"YOU'VE BEEN DATING FOR 6 MONTHS?"

"STOP YELLING AT ME"

Chenle

"the guys know you and me are dating"

"what? how"

"I got in trouble"

"what did you do..."

"they all got kinda mad at me and said I was kinda mean to you and asked what my issue with you was"

"and what did you say"

"please don't be mad"

"chenle"

"I told them not to worry because you think it's hot when I'm kinda mean"

"chenle"

they didn't believe me at first... and I was feeling pressured!...they literally cornered me!"

"chenle"

"so I showed them a little bit of our texts when you said...itwassexy whenIwasmeantoyou"

"run"

"I WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THE MOMMY KINK IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER?"

"run. now"

"ok!"

Jisung

"hey guys, just wanted to let you know me and jisung are dating now officially"

*shriek* "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!"

"Jisung what..."

"I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE"

"jisung park"

"please ma'am stop spreading that!"

"ANDY"

"I'm so sorry guys I dont know whats gotten into her!"

"jisung...She's literally your lockscreen"

"I literally have no idea what you are talking about"

"jisung I WILL do a coochie ban"

"this is actually bae 4 lyfe, she my day one and I worship the ground she walk on fr"

"thats what I thought"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hi! here is a little something from the drafts that is basically finished, I hope you like it! I am fr just getting back into writing so excuse any errors. But i hope yall have a good night/day!

#nct #nct dream #nct u #mark #renjun #jeno #haechan #jaemin #chenle #jisung #nct dream imagines #nct dream fic #nct dream scenarios #nct dream fluff #nct dream suggestive #mark lee #huang renjun #lee jeno #lee donghyuck #lee haechan #na jaemin #zhong chenle #park jisung #jisung imagines #renjun imagines #jaemin imagines #jeno imagines #chenle imagines #haechan imagines #mark imagines

[chemicallady]

I WANNA FEEL LOVE AGAIN

Part 1

Couple: Noah Sebastian x Fem!Reader

Content Warning: none. It's gonna be a slow burn, baby! Just a couple of bad words and some references to sexual intercorse. Should I add Matt to the warming just because it's part of this?

Taglist: @ada-clarence, @badalmondzzzz, my wifey @starsomens

Summary: Reader is Matt's sister and PR for Bad Omens. After a long relationship that ended quite bad, with her brother help, she decides to give herself a fresh new start in Los Angeles.

A/N: from now on, I'll post my notes at the end of the chapter to avoid spoilers!

As always this is just a product of fiction, nothing in this ff is real, my intention is to entertain myself and all of you.

Enjoy 🐕

I don't know if I count, but I'm trying my best.

This is not a story with a happy ending.

This is not one of those scenarios in which the grumpy old brother, after a significant amount of time, realises that his sister and his bestfriend are in love and the two of you can live happily ever after.

This is the real life, not an urban fairytale.

And there's a lot to unpack, emotionally.

First of all, you and Noah are not in love. You weren't aware of who he was before an hour ago. In your head you can ear in loop Eric, Eric, Eric, and it's fucking annoying that you actually had had the feeling you know him but you didn't recognised his throat tattoo after licking it. Or his nose. He has the most perfect nose you've ever seen, but nothing. It's not even an excuse that you haven't seen each other for three years because Matt shares videos from their gig on weekly basis, when on tour.

It's the fucking Clark Kent paradox, but instead of a pair of glasses, he got those long, perfect silk hair cut.

Losing the 25% of his charm, in your modest opinion.

But it doesn't matter.

Because when you met Eric, your first impression was that he seemed to be genuine, but shy maybe, in a good way a bit weird.

But genuine.

He is not genuine for the fuck sake! He lied on who he is and now you both have a problem.

Matt hasn't noticed yet, but only because he's too invested in the production of the music video to connect the dots. The way Noah stood in front of you, paralyzed, without talking, was loud enough for someone to notice.

You're sure about that.

After that stupid exchange of words you ran back inside the house telling everyone that it's too hot and you are not use yet to California's sunny day.

Dumbest excuse ever since is almost november, and Texas is warmer than here. But it worked so you can sit on the kitchen counter, and reflect about how much fucked up you are.

This is not even a story in which the main character is overreacting. You're Not. Matt has always hated every boy who laid and eye on you. From the very first boyfriend in mid school to a couple of classmates in highschool that just asked for your help with homeworks. Then, Shawn. He has never tollerated Shawn even if the rest of your family accepted him as a son. Matt never made up a scene in front of him or mistreated him in any way. But behind his back, he talked a lot shit, made you furious every time. He said that Shawn wasn't genuine enough (this adjective is starting to sound funny, at this point), caring enough, that he was drinking too much at your parents dinner table, that he looked too possessive.

In your modest opinion, your brother is terrible in judging others. For real. The issue on the table is always the same one; he is afraid you can get hurt. Matt can't physically stand the sight of you crying or being miserable.

Now, after this long mental digression, it's fair to say that he doesn't have to know. Absolutely. And you need Noah to be on the same page about that. You have to cut any contact with him that is not related to work. The date you have for friday is deleted.

It's sad because you really enjoyed having Eric around.

But he's not fucking Eric.

You don't have the chance to speak face to face with noah until after lunch. When the nerds move on Orie's room to give a first look at the unprocessed scenes and Jolly joined Folio in the pool, Noah is the one who actually comes looking for you.

You are on the sofa, petting Harper. He indulges just one second on the sight of you cuddling the adorable princess of the hous, before take a seat next to you. 《 Harp likes you.》

《 Well, she is not the only one. Isn't she?》

Noah release a long, loud sigh, while is cheeks get pink-ish. 《 You really are outspoken, are you?》. He gives a look at you, straight into your eyes. You are ready. You can feel how reticent he is right now, almost scared to say the wrong thing. 《 You are not gonna tell your brother about...》

《 About you eating me out in you car?》 It's your question, whispered between the two of you like the biggest secret in the world. 《 initially he won't believe us, but further investigations will follow; Maybe he will take the fingerprints from the back window. My hands were there while you were fucking me from behind. And he loves CSI.》

《 I'm serious. Are you going to tell him?》

And he is serious. You were joking, maybe because you feel a little embarrassed, maybe because your dad is right when he says that making fun about serious situations sometimes helps in facing them. But Noah on the other hand doesn't look amused. He looks like thinks you're mocking him.

So you hinale deeply, before looking back at him, leaving all your bullshit behind. And that's the moment in which you start to feel how tense the situation is. 《 I would rather chop my own foot than telling him I fuck with his best friend. He's gonna be furious. To me, but also to you. Do you have any deathwishies? Because I just got a fresh new start and I intend to survive the beginning of the week.》

Noah nods with a slow motion. He seems to have already evaluated any bad scenarios and keep it quiet is for the best of all of you. Especially Matt, who doesn't deserve to end up in jail. 《 So it's a secret between you and me now, Vanessa.》

《Don't you even try to use this card against me, Eric. 》

Noah brings his hands to his eyes. He looks even more concerned than you are. Matt once told you that Noah never had a real family, growing up. He was always on his own, so he formed a family with the friends he chose. Probably he is scared to disappoint Matt as much as you are.

《 Why you lie? Why you told me your name was Eric?》

With another sigh, Noah looked back at you. 《 I don't know. Sometime I ... fuck, you're going to have a bad first impression of me.》

《 Don't worry. I already had a bad first impression of you. 》

When he see you smile softly, he chuckles. It's pure tension right now and not the good one. He is living the horror of being caught with his hands in your honey jar. 《 ...When I meet a girl that sounds like troubles, I never bring her home and I give her a fake name.》

《 Did I sound like a troubles, to you?》

《 Yes because I knew I've already seen you.... but I couldn't recall were or when. And when you told me you had just moved in with your brother for a second I thought 'oh shit its y/n, her tits got bigger'. But then you lie as well and I believe I was in the safe.》

《 You didn't remember anything else but my breast size?》

It makes sense.

In some ways.

Half of fault is on both of you.

《 Sorry I lied》 , he says while rising from the sofa, ready to join his friends and check how the video is going 《 and sorry for... you know. 》

《 ah, don't say anything, we both enjoyed that part》 .

《 yeah, it was...》 Noah stays a couple of second in silence before biting both is lips. 《 We have to stop anyway. I cant loose Matt and he gave us a lecture about NOT fucking around with you, before you arrived.》

Now it's your time to sigh loudly. Yeah, you have seen that coming. But it's fine since you and Noah didn't planned it. You call it a casuality more than an incident.

You haven't big aspectation on Eric, anyway.

You feel like you've lost the capability of love long, after Shawn.

《 I agree. It's not gonna happen again》.

He smiles at you in relieve and you feel the same. 《 Can wait to work with you, than 》

《Otherwise》

He waves his hand before turning around and leave you in the living room. Harper is licking your hand so you start to pet her again, feeling better.

Matt will never know about your rendezvous.

You're washing the dishes after dinner, while Matt is picking up a movie. Even if you convinced yourself that you and Noah took the most resonable way, and also your conversation was short but clearifyng, you cant help yourself but feeling a bit down because you're not going to meet Eric anymore. And you know that Eric doesn't even exist. You will see Noah on a daily basis, and this will help a lot in moving on, but it's gonna be tough for the first week or two.

Because you and Noah are not in love, but you can feel the first syntomps of a beginning crush. Which is legit because Noah is funny and goofy and good-looking. More than that, he was nice to you and didn't force you in silence or nothing. You two have a conversation and reach an easy solution that makes everyone safe. Safe from Matt. After clearing the air, he also asked you for some advices because he never had a PR. It's his job usually and the two of you should work on that together. The prospective makes you nervous since you have no clue about the job itself, and Matt noticed. You know he did.

And you also know that he was waiting the vulnerable silence of your shared flat to talk about this with you.

《 What's wrong with Noah?》

You don't look back at him, rinsing the dishes from the soap. 《 What about Noah?》

《 He froze when he saw you this morning. And then you didn't look so happy about working with him》.

Matt and his way to be fucking direct.

You scroll your shoulders, epically good in lying. 《 I can't tell about him freezing in front of me. But I'm not looking forward to be his assistant and bring him his favorite brand of coffe.... or fold his underwares.》

《 That's not your job. He can make his own caffè and he won't let you fold any of his clothes. Trust me, that man on the edge of an OC diagnosis 》. You mumble something about being good in folding clothes while Matt approaches you, crossing his arm on his chest. 《 C'mon. Do I have to pull the big deal out of you kicking your ass?》

You're trapped because you two are too similar. You can read your brother like a book written for kids. Really dumb kids. And it's the same for him. You can't fool him too long.

《 Alright. I met a guy at the gym. He's name is Eric and he looked nice, but now I'm convinced that he's fake like a three dollar coin. Happy?》

You wait for the ocean of question that Matt is going to storm on you, but.... Nothing. He simply exhales before helping you, drying the dishes and the glasses with a cloat. You feel like you just turned twelve again and he was always around helping with the cores your mom gave you.

《 It's good that you're moving on fast. When I brought you here, I was afraid to see you again in the sane state you were in Texas. Close in your own room, drowing your bad feelings under the blankets. It's a good thing that you go to the gym and meet new people but be careful. People in LA are different from what you're used to. 》

You don't know what to say. You were aspecting Matt to start a lecture about rushing your new life and instead you got a boost. That's a progress.

《 Thanks for the advice》.

《 Just text me every time you're with him. And send me the position in real time so I can check.》

There he is! 《 You almost got me scared. I was wandering where my medieval-mind brother was. 》

《 Shut up!》

A soft laught leaves your mounth while he pours so water from the sink on you. And you oblige, doing it back on him. 《 I won't see Eric again, anyway.》

《 Who's Eric?》

《 Gym guy. He left.》

Matt finished drying the last fork before push you a little, playfully. 《 What did you say to make him run?》

《 Nothing! You asshole!》

The two of you reach the sofa, but apparently he is not done with the conversation. 《 Can you promise just two things?》

《 Alright, shoot》

《 In case this guy will be back and you won't be interested, just call Noah. He is enrolled to the same gym》.

You have to do your best to not laugh or betray yourself in any way. 《 Promise. What else?》

《 You are more than allowed to look for some happiness. You deserve to be loved by someone who is not an idiot as Shawn. Someone who sees the real you.》 You smile with some commotion to these beautiful words, reaching for his hand on the cushion in between you two. 《 But please never date anyone from the crew. No one wants drama while we're hitting the road.》

The smile froze on your lips without giving your brain the chance to process why you suddenly feel so .... disappointed.

《 y/n, pinkie promise?》

A bit reluctant, you grab his pinkie with yours, like you have done billions of time.

《 I promise》.

And you really hope you will be able to keep it.

It takes six days to meet again Noah at the gym. Matt helped you find a class about management and public relations, and day after day, you're learning how you can be useful for the band. Working on websites, taking care of the agenda, and defining schedules sounds scary, but you feel more confident day after day.

Noah is sitting outside his jujitsu class, his mitts next to him, and some bandage in his hand. The other one is busy scrolling the screen of his iPhone. You're reticent in bump into him, but just for a second. You know that if you start to avoid him, it will be a bad habit to lose. So you approach greeting him.

He looks surprised, but just for a couple of seconds, while he's buring the cellphone in his shorts' pocket. 《 How is yoga going?》

《 Fine, nothing noticeable》 , you take a seat next to him, smiling. 《 How jujitsu is going?》

《 Today, not so good》 he answers, showing you his brushed knuckles. Some blood on the right hand is almost dry. 《 I have to change my mitts. These are fucked.》

That's an amazing start of conversation for two people who had sex and then started to pretend that never happened in less than 24 hours.

《 Let me help you with that.》 With a nod, you indicate the bandages. He slowly gives the box to you, and after cleaning your hands with the sanitizer you have in your gym bag, you start to wrap the bandages around his hand gently.

《 How's school going? Matt said that you're taking it so seriously》. There is something in his voice that is illegible. Is he mocking you? Or maybe he is amused? You're focused on his hands to pay attention to his sminking face.

《 Well, I'm supposed to, right?》

《 Why? Why do you want to work with us? I mean... you can find a job as a piercer. I saw you in action and you're really good at it. 》

After fixing his left hand, you proceed to the other one, avoiding his gaze. 《 Do you want me to be honest?》

《 You can be honest, or you can be Vanessa 》.

A sigh escapes from your lips, uncontrolled. The audacity of this bitch. 《 Because I want the money. Because I want to spend a lot of time with my brother. Because I want to choose my job and leave the one my prick ex chose for me behind. Because I have nothing left to lose. I want to love my life again, waking up in the morning with a purpose.》

You have no idea why you're opening up to someone you barely know. But it is what it is. You can't have a fresh new start if you are not honest with yourself.

And when you look at Noah, you find respect in his gaze. 《 You just move in LA, and i'm not gonna lie to you: it's hard work. Are you sure you can take this?》

《 I'm used to fight any battle at my lowest》 it's your answer. The most honest one you can guarantee to him. 《 I'm ready to drag myself if it's necessary and only if it's forward. I need a hurricane to shake up my entire existence》.

《 Well well, you might have found the right one. Our new record could be a total disaster or grant us more than I can even imagine. You pick up the right train or, at least, you will enjoy every second of my downfall》

《 You're so drammatic, like every singer. 》

Noah giggles at your last affirmation before checking his hands. 《 thanks. You're already an amazing assistant. 》

《 I'm not your fucking secretary. 》

《 So who are you, y/n?》

A broken doll.

A girl that just wants to be love.

A woman covered in scars, who has a heart hidden in meters and meters of barber wire to prevent everyone from hurting it again.

《 A friend, Noah.》

And you can tell by his smile that it's the right answer he was waiting for. And this beautiful and sincere smile could be enough to put aside any crush you can develop in order to gain a true friend.

《 Lets grab a beer, then.》

A/N : I know that probably a lot of you are here for the smut, but I rethink this ff with a lot of realistic scenarios and the idea of writing a friends to lovers. It's my first attempt on this topic, and I'm thrilling to recieve any thought about it from you! I left an important hint for the future in the text by the way.

You can also send me inbox about my ff, about Bad Omens in general or headcanons! It's gonna be fun if you give me some credit ♡

I also added a song in the beginning that should be a sort of soundtrack for the chapter. I added it to the first chapter as well if you want to check!

Lastly, if you wish to be added to my tag list, comment here or send me a pm!

#noah sebastian #noah sebastian x reader #bad omens #noah sebastian imagine #bad omens imagine

[steddie-thirst]

Family Video | Steve Harrington x Munson!Reader BLURB

[Let me know if you'd like a full story, just a little thought in my head this morning]

"Dustin, I really don't have time to discuss your stupid little fantasy game." Steve groaned through the phone.

"It's not stupid! You're stupid!" Dustin argued. Steve laughed and fiddled with the phone cord on the desk.

"Hey man, I'm not the one parading as an elf or some shit." Steve replies back half-tempted to hang up if the kid was gonna have an attitude. He'd learn his lesson one way or another.

"You're being a real asshole right now." Dustin declared. "It's just for one night! Eddie will kill me man."

"Oh, Eddie." Steve rolls his eyes. "Your new best friend right?"

"Steve, I'm serious." Dustin whined not fully comprehending why he was being so stuck-up. Sure he hung with Eddie more, but that was only because he was always at work. Sometimes he had to work late and by that time Dustin would already be headed home.

Steve couldn't come up with response, "I'm not busy that day, but there's gotta be something else you--Holy shit." Dustin stood there in silence before Steve spoke again. "Dude, I gotta call you back, customers."

"Wait no--" Steve hung up and Dustin hugged setting the phone down. "Fuck!"

Steve smiled at the girl that just walked in as she approached the counter, "Hello, welcome to Family Video, how can I help you today?"

You smiled and hold up the stack of VHS tapes all horror movies. Steve nodded, "Gotcha, what's the name?"

"Well it's going to be under my brother's name. Eddie Munson." Steve starts to type in the name, but freezes and turns back to you.

"I'm sorry could you run that by me again?" Steve thought he was dreaming. There was no way this super hot, but kind girl had been related to Eddie.

"Eddie Munson. I know I don't look anything like him but we are blood related. Who else binge watches these kind of movies for fun?" You hold up the tapes and Steve checked the records. Indeed Eddie had chose the same three moves in the course of one month.

"Good point." Steve replies taking the videos off her hands. "Say, what's your name?" He asked leaning over the counter, after setting the movies aside.

You giggle, "It's (Y/N), and of course you already know my last name." Steve nodded and smiled deciding to shoot his shot. Eddie may be a freak, but damn were you gorgeous the true epitome of beauty.

"Say, (Y/N)? Are you free this friday?" Steve asks out of curiosity and you smiled.

"Yes, I am. Why?"

"Would you like to catch a movie? Maybe grab some dinner?" Steve offered. He was worried he'd get rejected and like hard, but you simply stated back at him smile on your face as you replied.

"I'd love to. 6:00?"

"6:00." He confirms.

"I'll see you then, Steve." You hand him a folded piece of paper and then walked out of the store. Steve had to call Dustin back later.

#eddie munson #steve harrington x reader #stranger things fandom #joe keery #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington family video #family video #stranger things x fem!reader #stranger things season 4 #stranger things #x reader #steve and dustin #dustin henderson #gaten matazarro

[bloogers-boogers]

Kyle Brofloski/ Eric Cartman (SP FIC) part 3

/A player with lies/

Fatass can actually move? Kyle gets overly pissy for no good reason and Stan needs a damn break

Slight warning ⚠️ the characters name says it all, if you're not comfortable with the ship then this isn't for you, but if you are then hop on in and enjoy the ride ☆

~~~~

It was a beautiful morning, three boys waited patiently for the bus to arrive, it was a Friday, meaning it's time to finally take a break from school after a hell of a week.

Stan was on his phone as he scrolled effortlessly through his social media, liking randomly posts with out putting to much thought on it.

Kyle yawned tirelessly as he was still caught on doing extra work for school the last few days because of his lack of attendance from last month, so yeah, sucks for Kyle.

And dear Kenny found himself watching some porn shamelessly with out earphones on, as he grinned watching big boobs appear on screen.

The absence of their fourth friend wasn't too noticeable, as Cartman had the tendency to do shit in the morning after breakfast making him come either too late or too early depending on the scheme he's doing.

A blonde beaming boy walked their way, placing himself infront of them, a little too cheerful for their liking.

"Morning to you, Butters," Stan commented, more like a question than a greeting.

"Mornin' hasn't Eric arrived?," he asked glancing at his spot.

Neither bother answering as it was obvious he hasn't.

"Geez, he must be really excited today," He commented as he took out his phone and typed in some music, Kyle arched a brow confused.

"Let me guess, he's 'excited' to lay in bed, doing absolutely nothing, eating junk food for two days straight." Kyle sarcastically said, making the other two boys laugh.

Butters tilted his head, bewildered as he eyed him. Making Kyle feel insecure about being stare down like if he didn't know what he was talking about. He knew the fatass, no one should make him feel like he didn't.

It's Cartman, what else could Cartman be possibly excited for during the beginning of the weekend? If it isn't to lay down in bed and do nothing, mostly school related. Even though he doesn't do much of that either during the week, but still, he had an excuse.

"He.. hasn't told you guys? Oh hamburgers," he looked around, "I think I said too much then," he tried dashing off but Kenny stopped him by placing his hand on his chest pushing him backwards.

"What're you talking about, Butters?," Stan asked, now placing his phone in his pocket.

The blonde scratched his neck nervously before spitting out the truth, "you guys may not know this, but there gonna be a roller derby in town tonight, I thought Eric had already told you guys but-"

"What're you talking about, Butters?," Kyle snapped, gripping on to his shoulders shaking him frantically, "what could possibly Cartman do and hide from us?," He blurted out almost daring.

"Yeah, dude, Cartman's an awful liar, normally he'd come running to us if he was excited about something just to tell us all about it," Stan defended Kyle's argument, even though he found his reaction a little overeating.

"That's what I thought!," Butters exclaimed, letting loose from Kyle's grip, "I figured Eric would've told you by now cause he's been in it since sixth grade. "

"Since sixth grade!?," Kyle blurted out in disbelief, "that's bullshit, Butters. Are you fucking with us? Cartman can't take something seriously for that long!."

"Kyle's right," Kenny chimed in, confused and a little skeptical, "Besides, if Eric's been so serious about something that he's soo into, he would've told me by now."

"And 'in' what!?," Kyle remarked.

"Well if you guys actually let me finish speaking I could explain to you guys what's going on!," Butters snapped now tired, making them all go silent.

"Like I was saying, I'm surprised Eric hasn't told you. Because I do believe he takes it seriously, I've been with him during his games before and he looks.. well, seriously about it?," he explained trying to pick the right words to use, looking at the boys who watched him with odd looks, "guys, Eric's been in the South Park roller derby team for three years, and you guys haven't even realized it? I believe even Clyde knows it! Today's a really important game for him, and he's been waiting for it for the past three months."

Kyle felt his world shattered.

Theres no fucking way.

This is bullshit, he's calling bluff right there.

"Fuck you, Butters," He spat bitter, poking him in the chest aggressively, causing the boy to startle, "FUCKYOU, if you're still willing to pull up this type of shit with Cartman! Trying to mess with us this early in the fucking morning!," Butters slapped his finger away from him, glaring.

"Look Kyle, if you don't believe me then that's all on you, jewboy," he barked back mimicking Cartman's nickname on him, making Kyle snarled.

"Okay guys, calm down," Stan placed himself in the middle of the two boys.

If there someone who's capable on getting to Kyle's level was an angry Butters.

"Butters, you don't have like any proof you could show Kyle or something?," Stan inquired, still skeptical himself.

Butters huffed, as he scroll through his phone shoving it harshly to Kyle's face, earning a groaned from the boy.

"If that isn't enough, why don't you scroll through the south park derby page, ask the coach himself or wait? Ask fucking ERIC!," he screeched out, face heated in temper.

"Dude, chill your hawaiian is showing," Kenny tried calming him down, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't like being called a lying snake," He huffed once more, shoving Kenny's hand away.

Kyle scrolled frustrated through the photos Butters had showed them, they were all separated in a folder called 'Eric' pretty much all the folder had were photos and videos where Eric was included in, or taken with. Or stupid selfies the fatass will take in Butters phone.

What he was frustrated about was that seemingly enough, Eric and Butters were in some type of rally, fat boy grinning wide as Butters thumbs up while being taken the picture.

Date: October 28th, two years ago

On another, it was just Eric seemingly stretching his leg out in some booth, having roller skates on, a white helmet and some gym looking clothing as he glared to what it seemed like nothing but in the background they were plenty of people meaning he must've been glaring at someone.

Date: November 15th, one year ago

Then there was another where Cartman stood full picture, revealing his entire outfit; like a uniform with the number 9 plastered in the front, some red shorts too small for his ass and roller skates on, some black ankle and elbow patches, a green helmet in hand with a white stripe as he posed like he was about to run, grinning confidently.

Date: December 1st, one year ago

And another one, he felt himself being hit by an avalanche of rocks each second he look through each photograph.

Cartman looking forward, some other players beside him showing off their backs, it seemed the photo was taken from a far not as far, but far enough to tell he was about to race and Butters was probably just watching from the crowd.

Cartman's t-shirt said 'South Park derby' plastered big in the back part, words adorned around the large 9 with a goofy cow logo.

Date: January 4th, actual year

He shoved the phone back to Butters, as he glared to the ground defeated. The plan was too elaborate for it to be fake, and there were more photos in there than just those he analyzed.

He clenched his fist tight, and gritted his teeth, holding his head high as he saw Butters leave.

"Wow, I guess Cartman is in the roller derby team," Stan finally spoke out after brief seconds of silence.

"Yeah, I suppose so," Kenny then added.

The silence was now unbearable, Kyle kept contemplating what he just learned. Glancing at the bracelet he held around his wrist 'tsk.'

Stan and Kenny awkwardly shared a concerned look to their friend.

"Maybe Cartman was just too embarrassed to admit it to us?," Stan suggested, trying to relieve the tension that was now formed.

"Probably thought we'd ripped on him, which we definitely would had," Kenny agreed, both boys eyeing the redhead who just stood there unresponsive with a nonchalant expression.

"'Embarrassed' but not embarrassed enough to tell Butters?," he finally snapped, turning his fuming glare at them, "Don't you guys feel betrayed?."

"No," Stan admitted nonchalantly," it's really not a big deal dude, it's not like we all don't play a sport ourselves?," he kept on blabbering, "I play football, you play basketball and Kenny plays with pussy."

"Yeah," Kenny nodded.

"You guys don't get it, we've been friends with Cartman for YEARS, dealt with his shit for years and still, he can't even tell us about being on the derby team? It's not like we haven't seen him do more embarrassing shit! Why all of the sudden is he running off discreetly to play some stupid sport!?," by this point he was all spiteful and riled up, "that bastard doesn't treat us like friends! He treats us like- like some lab rats he likes to test with.

I'm tired of his fucking shit!."

Both boys stood listening not daring to say a word, just letting him spit all his anger out, they've learned by now that it's always best to let Kyle vent out all his frustrating opinions before they spoke out their own.

They knew well enough that he wasn't in all finished.

After like a minute they glanced at each other more surprised that he hadn't added anything else than discovering about their fat friend's secret.

"Well, what you want us to do Kyle? It's not like we can do much." Stan commented.

"Y'know what?," Kyle said with a thoughtful face as he tapped his feet contemplating some type of plan, "maybe we should teach Cartman a lesson about 'friendship' and where it leads people when you overtake advantage of it."

Both boys stared at the red head worrisome not knowing the type of shit they had gotten in to.

"Like what?," Stan follow along, still uncertain about it.

"We're gonna go to that rally and make him fucking lose that so precious game he's been craving for so long."

Bewildered the boys looked at Kyle, speechless.

'My god'

"Kyle, I don't think that's a good idea," Stan tried to reason with him.

"Dude, Cartman does this type of shit with us all the time! This is no different," he blurted out, placing his hands on his hips, "Besides, we have reasons!."

"We do?," Kenny added confused.

"Yes. We do," He said sternly, "he makes us deal with his crap all the time, and we just let him step on us everytime he wants? Cartman little derby game is our payback from all the shit he's made us go through as children! Technically, we're not doing anything wrong," he tried justifying his actions as he walked in circles.

"Dude, you sound like Cartman," Stan blurted out baffled.

"¡IDONOTSOUNDLIKECARTMAN,GODDAMMIT!," he screeched out loud causing them to wince.

Kyle has never felt more betrayed than what he's feeling right now, he doesn't know why this has got him so badly. But it became personal.

He really thought he was already figuring out Cartman and the douche bag, again, makes him reconsider everything!

It's like he's doing it on purpose, he sighed scribbling in his notebook, thinking of a plan to sabotage Cartman's game tonight.

Garrison kept blabbering about his upcoming wedding for like the 100th time of that week, they all already wished he got married and get that shit over with.

He looked to his side, glancing at Cartman who was making paper planes alongside Kenny, throwing it to their sides all dramatic and random flying across the room, among the students. Innocently batting their eyes as Garrison scold them.

Well, it didn't seemed Kenny was too affected by being lied by his BEST FRIEND, was he really the only one who cared to complained? He looked at Stan that was flipping through his textbook not caring for the world.

Cartman seemingly looked in a good mood which just added to his wrath.

He huffed as he rested his chin on his hand.

°°°°

"Dude, are you sure about this?," Stan asked as he zipped his jacket covering the vegetal oil they had planned on sneaking in, "what if Cartman actually gets injured?."

"Do you really care if he does?," Kyle asked skeptical, glancing at a couple of people who walked in the stadium.

"Good point," he added as he grabbed his phone and dialed Kenny, "Dude, did you bring it?."

"I'm on my way dudes, I couldn't find the cheapest brand I could afford but I found some cheap brand on wish," he said frantically as he was running while talking on the phone.

"Whatever dude, just don't die on us," Stan meaningless said before hanging up, "I can't believe we're actually doing this."

"This is for the best, Stan. Think about all the things Cartman has done to us, think about the time he's ripped on you, call you names, taunting you because you have a girlfriend and show you not even an ounce of respect," the redhead kept reassuring to his friend.

Stan frowned as he contemplated his words, now nodding assertively, "yeah, you're right. Fuck that fatass! He's never treated me with respect no matter how many times I followed through his stupid shit and called him a friend," He blurted out, a he held his fist high on to his chest, more confident.

"Atta, Stan," Kyle beamed patting his friend in the back, now turning to look at a panting Kenny.

"I-Im herE.." he continued panting as he took out some marbles out of his jacket to show them.

"Okay, cover those, we don't want to get caught," Kyle shove the marbles back inside his jacket.

They went inside, buying a ticket and glancing at the huge crowd. They didn't know roller derby was that a huge deal for people, the place was packed.

They spotted Butters in one the seats there, headed twoards the boy as they sat next to him.

Butters turned their way, "Oh, geez, you guys actually made it? Does that mean Eric already told you about the derby?," he asked casually, as he sipped from his soda.

Kyle smiled forcefully as he nodded, "yup," he lied.

"Cool," Butters beamed as he waved at some random player there, knowingly who that was.

"So when does the game start?," Kenny asked from the forth seat at the end of Stan.

"You mean the jam?," Butters corrected unfazed, chugging on some chicken nuggets, "the first pass still hasn't initiated. They're still waiting for the seats to be full, and it normally just starts at eight it's still six thirty."

They look at each other not knowing well about how that sport worked, they didn't looked deep in to it.

"Okay, so when does second round start?," Stan added, earning a scoffed from the blonde.

"Didn't Eric bother to explain you guys?," He rolled his eyes, sipping loudly on to his soda purposefully making the other three boys annoyed.

"In derby they're not precisely called 'rounds', they're jams that consistent on a timer of 2 minutes, that, or the lead jammer decides to cut it short," He continued to explained to them, as he beamed waving another player in the rank, "we could say the end of the first period will be thirty minutes in during jams, cause they're two periods. A game last sixty minutes you guys."

They blinked in confusion.

"And.. what exactly are jams again?," Stan winced out apologetically, as Butters groaned annoyed and roll his eyes in response.

"What's hard to understand?," Butters exclaimed in disbelief, "first pass; choosing the lead jammer, no points counted. Second pass; the pointer starts and the first jam is started."

"Dude, what's a jammer?," Stan asked still confused.

"And how the hell do we count a point?," Kenny added.

Butters frowned, "you guys didn't talk to Eric did you," he guessed out making the three boys look at him with blank stares.

"Look, Butters, where here. That's all that matters," Kyle chimed in, as he extended his arm around his shoulder making him arched a brow.

"My god. What're you guys planning to do." He immediately pointed out, realizing their motivates.

One of the perks of being around Cartman for so long is to recognize a liar, manipulative, two face bitch a mile away trying to take advantage of his naive behavior. This knowledge is something Butters holds dear on to, as it's gotten him out of many messed up schemes from his peers before, even from Eric himself. Giving him a boost of confidence while contradicting someone is he didn't agree on what they're doing, saying or opinion. He felt a little more freeing knowing he can atleast not take shit from his friends when he didn't feel like doing so unlike with his parents.

"Well good luck with that," Butters hummed out as he heard their improvised plan, "if you guys want to actually sabotage Eric's skates you're gonna need to do it now before the jam starts. Their break is thirty seconds long before a next jam starts and their longest break is a minute long on mid period, so you should guess, Eric has no plans on taking his skates off," he said nonchalant, now gesturing a snack seller to come towards him, purchasing a bag of gummy bears.

He held in front of Kyle, "these are gonna be for Eric cause he's gonna win no matter what," he said in a confident manner, intending to provoke the red head.

Kyle frowned, "just you wait!," He screamed as he stormed off to the benches, Stan following behind.

'Fucking asshole, who does he think he is?'

He kept on walking ignoring his best friend's complaints, as he halted abruptly, the whole damn reason he was here was because of Cartman, and he didn't even bother to even check if he was there at all. But now, holy damn. Now he couldn't just ignore him. He stood far apart near the circuit track chatting with all his teammates next to the penalty box.

'Wow' his eyes widen, bewildered. He's seen Cartman's in his derby uniform in Butters pictures, but the real deal was entirely different.

It felt like his surroundings just stopped moving as Cartman was the only person there that moved in a very slow dramatic way. Everything becoming blank an fuzzy as the only color there that blossom was Cartman.

And no matter how far Cartman was from him, he felt like he was the closest thing there that his eyes couldn't unfocused on.

'Kyle?'

'Kyle, dude!'

"Huh?," he asked now seemingly confused, turning to look at Stan.

"The oil?," He reminded him.

"Right," He blurted out continuing to move, side eyeing Cartman; as he turned his back flipping off some players from the opposite team.

'Oh god'

He stopped again dumbfounded, contemplating how well those shorts complemented his hips and-

'Kyle!'

"Ah?," He asked startled by the abrupt tone, "right!," He reminded himself, as he shook his head running twoards the benches were the players kept their belongings.

They searched through the bags looking for Cartman's, but they couldn't find it.

"Kyle, look!," Stan pointed out, were the coach sat in a empty bench with a bag seemingly not his.

'That's Cartman's,' he felt it.

"I'll distract him, and you sabotage his skates," Stan ordered, shoving him the oil as he approached the coach.

He nodded, as he slowly pulled the bag away as Stan had forced the coach to help by leading him to the bathroom as he had faked puked.

He opened the bag and looked through Cartman's things, he gripped on to the skates beaming relieved that he hadn't put them on yet. He took the oil from his pocket and opened the lid accidentally dropping it inside the bag. He reached out for it and gripped on to a folded piece of paper.

He examined it closely and seemingly enough, it was definitely a very old careless torn off polaroid folded by the middle. He flipped it open, and found four boys popped up posing silly as one flipped off the camera, another beaming mischievous, the other peace signing smiling, and lastly another making a goofy face.

Those four boys were them.

He felt himself contemplating between the bottle of oil or the polaroid photo, feeling himself softened, unsure of what to do.

He gulped, "C'mon, dude, Cartman's coming," Stan said worrisome, as he grasped his arm dragging him away to their seats.

"So? Did you manage to oil them in time?," Stan asked expectantly, sitting down.

He nodded reluctantly knowing damn well he didn't.

The jam was about to start, as the players got in position. For what Butters had told them, Cartman was the pivot, so he placed himself in the pivot line alongside the opposite team's pivot which is infront of the blockers and lastly behind them, the jammers.

A pivot being the one that normally leads the blockers signaling the strategies that will be put to use, also being the only teammate there that could turn into a jammer during a jam.

Apparently the first pass is where they choose for the the lead jammer.

Then second pass is when the score begins to count.

Or something like that for what he understood.

Kyle bit his nails nervously, watching Cartman smirking mockingly the other pivot. The red shorts and white shirt with the added helmet suit him so well it even looked grossly cute.

He rubbed his face with his hands, he wasn't thinking straight, literally.

He rubbed his legs as he heard a whistle blow initiating the first pass.

He digged his nails on his legs, seeing Cartman skate on the rank was extremely..

"Don't worry, dude, we'll get him next time," Stan reassured him, placing a hand on his shoulder in a comfort gesture. Probably thinking he looked upset that the 'plan' failed.

'Oh God,' he plead merciful, looking Cartman rolling around the track as he 'booty block' a blocker.

He unintentionally bounced his leg frantically, as he keep watching Cartman making sure the jammer pass through with ease.

"We still have the marbles," Kenny reminded, as he was kinda entertained by the game, stealing Cartman's gummy bears from Butters.

But he was already too far off to listen, seeing how a blocker shoulder bumped Cartman's side as he hip trusted his side in response moving him sideways letting his jammer pass through.

Two whistles were heard as the referee gesture south park's jammer as the lead jammer, the crowd cheered as most there were obviously from the town.

Cartman stretched his back, clapping hands with the jammer in a smugly manner.

He quickly stretched down his hands to his toes as he quickly went back to position.

Kyle mentally saving that small moment savoring every second, his leg bounce some more, unknowingly receiving a concerned stare from Stan.

He felt himself heated, as his legs moved frantically, faster, zoning out by the fuzzy and blurry feeling he felt, breathing heavily as he watched Cartman now on his second pass.

He panted, as he tried grasping for air, Stan turned his way giving him a weird look alongside Butters who heard him squeeze.

'Oh god' he thought as he abruptly stood up, dashing to the bathroom, he excused himself as he pushed some people out of the way.

'Hormones, hormones, hormones, stupid hormones!' He screeched angrily smaking his head consistently, earing weird stares from the people around.

He entered the bathroom turning on the sink and splashing water on his face, cooling himself down. Not daring to look down.

He looked at his flustered face, in horror realization, 'there was no fucking way' he eyed his dilated pupils as he gently caressed the side of his eye.

'No. Way.'

Stan dashed after him, entering the bathroom and kneeling beside him as he found his friend curled up in a ball at the floor corner.

"Kyle, what's wrong?," he asked worried.

Kyle hold on to him as he bawled his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably by the overwhelming emotions.

Stan was left bewildered as Kyle vomit on him still holding him by the arm.

"Dude, chill the fuck out. Tell me what's going on," Stan said sternly holding on to his shoulders making him look at him in the eye.

Kyle swallowed loudly, denying with his head as he stood up tirelessly, "let's just go.."

Stan reluctantly stood up not furthering questioning his friend as he followed behind him brushing off the vomit out off his jacket.

Stan halted looking at his best friend continued walking off, he went to Cartman's bag as he got out a piece of paper writing down 'we need to talk, meet up at yours after your derby race, fatboy -s,' now no longer caring being caught in the rally or snooping in his stuff.

°°°°

Cartman quickly rolled down town, not caring about ruining his derby skates as he was afraid of possible blackmail by the hippie of all people!

He couldn't even celebrate his victory with the guys by getting pizza, cause he had jolted off like a mad man not being able to enjoy his awsome evening.

He gripped tightly his bag as he got to his side of the sidewalk eyeing Stan sitting in his doorstep.

"What the hell do you want," he pointedly accused, almost slipping down by a small peddle.

Stan stood up looking at the floor with both his hands in his pockets.

"I think Kyle's really affected about you not telling us about being in the South Park derby team," he bluntly admitted, causing Cartman to tilt his head confused.

"Huh?," he said.

"Look, fatass, just.. I think you should talk to him." He frowned, glaring at the floor before glaring at him, "Dude, I'm serious, if you try saying some stupid shit to him I promise you I'll tell everyone about the Jody incident," he threatened.

Cartman flinched, "who told you," he shuddered out.

Stan rolled his eyes, "you weren't really being discreet Cartman it was a public park dude, anyone could've seen you ." He shaked his head dismissively, "look, I don't care if you're gay and shit, I just need you to tell Kyle you didn't mean to hide the derby thing from us."

Cartman spat offended, "he kissed me, dude! Not the way around, I was startled okay!?."

"Yeah, whatever dude. Just talk with Kyle," Stan shrugged off indifferent before walking off.

Cartman grumbled, he couldn't believe Stan had saw the incident with Jody. He really wasn't expecting it! That dude just sent him a letter in his locker and he figured it'd be some chick confessing her overbearing love for him not the ginger kid he manipulated back in forth grade.

He sighed as he tossed his bag at the door before taking off his skates angrily and bitter, tossing them to the ground as he walked barefoot to Kyle's front door.

He knocked unwillingly, as he placed his arms behind his back hearing steps head down stairs.

"¿Yeah-" Kyle's mouth flattened, gripping on to the door frame, "what you want, fatass?."

"You're hippie boyfriend complained to me you were upset over the rally thing, I didn't know you'd figured it out," he shamelessly rat on Stan.

Kyle frowned, "I don't care," he spat out dryly.

Cartman stared at him for brief seconds; he wore a white t-shirt and some black square patterns bottom pj's. His gaze fell on the now naked wrist, Cartman figure Kyle would eventually take the bracelet he gave him but now looking at his wrist, it made him feel a little disappointed.

Kyle awkwardly hid his hand when he noticed.

Standing awkwardly for seconds that felt like minutes.

Things between them have just been so awkward nowadays, and Cartman hated to admit why.

"Okay, cool.." he blurted out looking at the ground then turning around and walking back home.

"Wait," Kyle spat out, now holding on to his arm stopping him.

Cartman cursed inside him for feeling his heart skip a beat.

"What do you want?," he shoved his hand off.

"I think we should just.. talk about it," he admittedly struggled out, wincing his eyes, "someone has to put an end to it."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Cartman glared defensively, acting like he didn't know.

"Cut the shit, Cartman. You know, I know," he stated firmly, gripping on to Cartman's shoulders making him look at him, "we should just get it out of our chest and move on."

"I don't know what you're talking? I've moved on, Kahal, but it doesn't seem like you have," Cartman continued lying between teeth, "you're making it weird, our dynamic it's just..flopping? And it's your fault! You broke our rule, kyel," he continued pin blaming Kyle.

Kyle glared at him, "Cartman, were not gonna leave from this spot until we finally discuss it. It's driving me crazy."

"Watch me," he dared trying to leave, but was gripped hard on to his arm earning a '¡owe, Kyel that's hurts!,' "okay, fuck! We'll talk just let me go you asshole!," He whined out in a cry, scowling him as he now let him go, rubbing frantically the injured area.

Things weren't going to turn back to normal. They knew that, it was hard to grasp it. And they've tried so hard to shove it off.

He and Cartman hated change, that was something they both openly agreed on.

Their dynamic has always been like that; they've have some bizarre moment between each other and they shoved it off behind the back of their brains trying to not acknowledge it, trying to not take it seriously. Just getting back to their usual banter ignoring whatever happened between them that shook them off from their usual dynamic. Like a intruder invading a home that was built by scratch and decorated with time and being carefully planned; moving all their stuff and placing them elsewhere, stealing them, breaking them pretty much destroying the property they built for years.

They feared for it to happen again, making new barriers and creating knew strategies to prevent the intruder to make his way back in. Putting up locks and blocking the windows.

Not acknowledging how'd it'd affect them physically and mentally.

Making their little spacious home fell more like a trap, tight, suffocating, imprisoned. Being scared to get out but also craving to get out and breath some air, some freedom.

Screeching for help, as they longer couldn't stand those walls, trying to grasp on the little space they had while it slowly killed them.

They figure it wouldn't be any different now, but they were wrong. They just couldn't, they had went to far pretty much breaking a entire wall out, being in for so long inside the opening freely feeling just being too overwhelming for them to welcomed, handle.

No longer having the energy to just block it, as they were just tired, and the damage was too much to build around it with out destroying it more in the process.

Which they have been doing unintentionally, being so.. out of character, feeling more vulnerable around each other, one being uncontrollably unable to handle his anger and paranoia and the other uncontrollably unable to control his stress and obsessions. The bars were just unbalanced and their personalities were going elsewhere, being mix up with so many feelings they can't just grasp in to it all, having to forcefully grab one an drain it dry inevitable taking all their energy out as they couldn't keep up with the ongoing changing feeling. It felt wrong not being able to control their emotions, it was frustrating not being able to grip on to one, knowing your place and how to act.

It felt so unnatural, and somewhat obsessive being so dependent on each other even when it came to their feelings, characterization and personalities.

Kyle sighed defeated, sitting in the sidewalk, Cartman hesitated before sitting besides him.

Cartman rested his chin in his hand, Kyle half lidded eyes darted to the empty street.

It was time to open up to change.

"So.." Kyle trail off, trying to lighten up the tension between them.

"Kyle, it's clear you don't want to talk about it," Cartman said with a bored face.

"No- I mean I do! It's just.. I don't know were to start," he admitted, looking at the beaming light from the poll from the other sidewalk.

"You mean being some psycho gaywads or about the change of our dynamic?," he guessed, now relaxing his body, shivering lightly as he was already feeling the cold sweep in.

Kyle pouted thoughtful, "honesty? Both," he said, taking out from his sock the bracelet Cartman gave him.

"Seriously? Fucking gross dude," Cartman winced dramatically sticking out his tongue in disgust.

Kyle chuckled unfazed by the comment, "I- I was really angry today cause you didn't tell me about being a south park derby, and somewhat thought I'd be vengeful by throwing my bracelet away, but I just couldn't. I want to have it on me, so I justified myself putting it under my feet for I to continuously stepping on it yet still have it, you get me?."

"Wow, how evil of you," Cartman remarked sarcastic before rolling his eyes feeling a smile crept out his face, "does that mean you've still had it on before today..?" He eyed him expectantly.

"Yeah, dude, I like it. The colors just match well," Kyle nodded admittedly, gently caressing the fabric.

Cartman felt his cheeks heated, flustered embarrassed and slightly flattered, "thanks.." he sighed heavily, "I- I was kinda disappointed you didn't have it on just now," He laughed nervously before playing it off, as he grabbed the bracelet from Kyle's hand and tied it up back on to his wrist.

Kyle let himself smile back by the gesture, letting those feelings invade his now tight fluttered chest.

This felt nice.

"Well now that were being honest here, I was mesmerized by your ass at the derby rally this evening," He shamelessly admitted.

"Woah there, kahal, a little bit too much don't yah think?," he added, a little baffled by Kyle's boldness.

Kyle chuckled, he really enjoyed Cartman's red flustered face. He enjoyed being able to do that.

He leaned forward, "I really liked that kiss," he admitted in a whisper, slyly smirking as he saw Cartman face burning hard red flames, he could swear he even heard a small 'yelp' coming out from his mouth.

Guess the fatass can't find his way to snap back at him, which is a accomplishment on it's own cause Cartman wasn't the one that'll keep his mouth shut always wanting to have the last word into everything even if he had to blabber nonsense to get that.

He squiggle his mouth, moving his eyes fanatically left and right, left, right, left and right again. Kyle cautiously counted each movement, waiting expectantly.

"Me too, jew.." he blurted out after brief swallowing seconds.

"Cool," Kyle nodded, as if he had already knew that.

"About the derby thing, I honestly didn't bothered mentioning it to you guys cause I know the type of assholes you are, not much about.. well it wasn't a you thing," he admitted as he glance the other sidewalk.

Kyle nodded understanding, anger long gone by that point.

"So now what?," Cartman reluctantly asked after another brief seconds of silence.

Kyle shrugged.

They sat for over an hour before being called out by Gerald, who'd ask Kyle to get inside as it was already getting too late. Still not exactly finishing everything they wanted to say but it was enough to bare for the night, Cartman waved goodbye as he left to his home and Kyle stood in his doorstep looking out for Cartman until he saw him get inside his house before reluctantly getting inside himself, contemplating how things unfolded between the two and how good Cartman's gigantic ass looked when he walked off.

Prev — Next

#south park #eric cartman #kyle brovlofski #stan marsh #kenny mccormick #kyman #sp kyman #i really wanted to make chapter 2 feel as surreal and whacky as possible #like too overbearing #i needed the two assholes to be able to breakdown by the excessive shit they dealt with #i always headcanon both being extremely stubborn to recall the good times they have together #but once in distress they just blurt things out with no meaning #i wanted to play that out with their kiss pretty much destroying their whole facade by not being able to shrug that off #like they're so incredibly stubborn their brain automatically blocks it for them categorizing it as a traumatic event #oh- and i also love roller derby Cartman:) #chap 4 will be about them figuring out how to work out their new type of relationship #i still can't figure out how to link the chapters together #is that only a desktop feature? anyways- #chap 3 is a short king #🤴 #friendly reminder that this fic is not to be taken seriously c“:

[disdaidal]

I can't remember the last time I've cried this hard, but I guess it was time.

So my new school is pretty much now pressuring me to find a place to train at, which is not stressful at all, because the workplace I went for an interview last week hasn't returned my calls or my email, despite the principal initially seemed genuinely interested in my application.

Thing is, I wouldn't be this stressed out at all but my new teacher made it pretty clear today that next week is gotta be the deadline for that contract - otherwise my studies really aren't going anywhere.

I also missed my doctor's appointment yesterday because I missed the train. I had to wait for that appointment for 3 fucking months, and because it's related to my financial situation (I'm really trying not to get more student debt, especially with the way how I've been and how I barely managed to keep my shit together during pandemic). Luckily I was able to talk on the phone with her and the social worker, but my new appointment was rescheduled at the end of the month. I also talked to my nurse on the phone a little after that; a nurse who I haven't seen in the last six months because all our appointments have been cancelled at the last minute. So I got a new one in September.

My sleeping schedule has been pretty much fucked up all July-August, and for the last two days that I've been going to the city and attending these classes, I've slept like 6 hours in total these two days. Both days I've come home feeling extremely drained (besides those 6 hrs in total, I napped all evening yesterday). And last night I slept something like 2 hours before school and when I finally got back by train a couple of hours ago, I tried to sleep on the train but I felt so nauseated that I thought I was gonna hurl. Needless to say, my car ride back home was all but fun.

When I finally got home and laid down in my bed for a while, I started crying. Like I know it's probably because I've literally slept like 2hrs last night and it wasn't even a deep sleep, so, think I've just had it. My body and brain couldn't take it anymore.

But when I was on the train, I was going to call the school's office (the one I went to that interview for), but naturally their calling hours had already ended at 2pm. I also thought about sending another email but like I said, I felt extremely tired and anxious; making more phone calls and sending more emails when I'm feeling this way really isn't the way I want to go again. Especially since I already tried both on Monday when they were supposed to inform me last Friday, and I haven't got any response since. Which is not very nice to be honest (my new teacher did comment it's kind of unprofessional of them, and I gotta agree a little bit there).

But seriously, the only thing that's even made my last two school days tolerable, were the other students in my class. I kind of took up smoking again (bad habit I know) because of all this stress and shit that's been going on with me lately, so at least it was an easy way to get to know some of our other students, and got to spend some time with them, so at least I didn't have deal with my worries all alone. Our Moroccoan student (whom I've talked a lot with; I got along with him already on our entrance examination on May) tried to encourage me today when we were smoking, and even said I could try and apply to the same place he works at - which is working with immigrants mostly. Since I did choose international studies as one of my optional subjects, that could also work, because sooner or late I'm gonna have to work/train at a place like that anyway.

But obviously my first and foremost goal right now is try to find a place near where I live because obviously traveling isn't cheap, and I might indeed have a couple of places around here in mind that I could ask for training opportunities.

In any case, if I don't get an answer by tomorrow (we'll have another long school day so I probably won't have any time to be making extra phone calls anywhere), I think I'm just gonna ditch this thing and start calling other places on Monday.

If this is how it's gonna be and I'm on a strict deadline here, I don't suppose there's any other choice. I'm not willing to give up just yet - though I admittedly thought of that for a moment, too. Since I've become somewhat depressed lately again, clearly, and that must have something to do with my bpd. Which is fucking *nice* because right now I'm supposed to be active and efficient so I can actually get shit done and get my studies properly started - and yet right now, I'm feeling all but that.

So I guess I'll go to another class tomorrow - we have a special day anyway as we're visiting a local museum at the end of the day, so. Maybe I can try to forgive myself for being the way I am and give this whole thing a rest until weekend. And if the teacher asks about it tomorrow as she might, I'm just gonna say I'm going try again on Monday.

Cause I really don't see any other choice right now. But again, I'm really not lying about this. I'm not feeling my best right now, and this kind of pressure and stress is not doing me any favors.

#personal #a vent i guess #i'm kind of losing it right now and barely keeping it together #i guess #i don't know yet

[suiana]

My school really picks and chooses what to celebrate. Other cultures? Hell yeah. Mental illnesses that really should be talked about? What's that?

2 years ago. Autism Awareness Day(April 2nd). They told us it was also Autism Awareness Month (April). Cool right.

hmm.. hmmm.. how should we spread awareness??? YO PERFECT IDEA GUYS. 👏Lets👏have👏them👏take👏an👏Autism👏test👏. What type of test? OH GREAT IDEA GUYS. a test to identify emotions. Yeah that wont come off as us making fun of there inability to be able to identify emotions. NO NOT AT ALLLLLL. Not kidding it was a test to help identify emotions for like autistic people.

Last year. Same drill with us being told. That's great.

hmm.. hmmm.. what should we do this this year?? Oooooo how about we ask them if they know anyone with Autism!!! That's great and everything but I think we should do something else too. Yo hear me out guys. LETS SHOW THEM A VIDEO OF AN AUTISTIC PERSON HAVING A SHUT DOWN. that's great. that's fantastic thank you. Was it educational? Yes it was vea the 10 year olds POV of them being overwhelmed IN PUBLIC and having a shut down. At the end is said "Not misbehaved(or something like that) just autistic"........ My classmate said they got nightmares from that video. That's great we won't make the autistic kids feel ashamed of having shut downs

Guys. What should we do this year?? Well Autism Day is on the weekend. Damn you right. Well we just won't mention the Friday before that weekend. Oh ok we'll mention it that Monday then? Nah we gonna have spring break so we just are gonna mention it at all. We aren't going to even mention April being Autism Awareness Month on Friday nope.

I swear if I go back to school and they don't say shit about Autism or they do some more bullshit I'm going to write one of the longest complaints in history.

As a human with Autism that Autism quiz with emotions didn't make me feel ashamed or confused AT ALLLLLL. That video didnt make me feel ashamed AT ALLLLLLLLLL. It doesn't help that all shit downs look different.

And now with new rules about cellphones and going places during class I cant even get help during shut downs. What does that add up to?? A totally and completely mute me sitting in math class for almost an hour crying and shaking and begging, hoping no one notices that I'm having a panic attack/shut down. Why? Because society and my school has taught me to be ashamed and they can't even help me with medical stuff. because my school can't do anything right and can't help the people who need help. I have fucking medial papers saying I'm allowed to do something (not related to my autism) and guess what? MY TEACHER DENIED ME MEDICAL HELP. MY TEACHER DIDNT GIVE A SHIT EVEN IF IT WAS IN MY PAPER THAT I WAS ALLOWED AND SHE CANT DENY ME BUT SHE DENIED ME MEDICAL HELP.

A very angry Anon

man wtf you should lodge a complaint against your school. it's wrong to deny someone of medical attention and to take Ur phones away?? burn that school anon 🔥🔥 if you ever wanna talk I'm here for you

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ok so the past 2 days have been a ride—both good and bad—so I think it's time for one of my rambly posts about life!

ok to summarize: monday amazing, shop internship everything looks great, weird to see freshmen around tho, finished up my remote internship, soccer practice was actually good for once, and then it got late and my brian started running in circles and stressing about seeing my ex-girlfriend (M) again, then i talked to one of my friends for a while which was cool, today was quite a roller coaster, morning more shop internship which was great it looks even better in there now an i'm sad it'll only last a like week tho, then people started showing up and at first it was great because like friends, but then when i was moving some stuff down to the garage i walked past the main hallway and saw M and internally freaked the fuck out, and then i just went back to work and i saw them 2 more times but didn't have the nerve to actually go talk to them, then i had to go do orientation stuff but a bit before that i ended up running up to M to scare them and then i saw my asshole ex and their boyfriend so I patted M on the head while running past and then went to find my friends, then we did some orentation stuff, then we had lunch, at one point i left my friends and talked to M for like 20+ min, and then more orientation stuff, including some advisory time, and then i talked to M a bit more after that, and then my friends and i walked a block over to get some ice cream, and i just had soccer practice

Ok, starting w/ yesterday, I don't think this will be too long, the shop internship was great and keeping myself busy doing that stuff that a) i enjoy and b) is helpful for a space i spend a lot of time in is good for me and the shop, so win win. It was weird that the freshmen were around tho since thursday friday and the first week of the summer meant that I had gotten used to the campus just being teachers (and a few interns). I knew one of the freshmen from interning at our school's summer so it was cool to get to see her and I think I convinced her to join the robotics team so that's cool.

Alright, now yesterday's soccer practice, which was actually good???? So for context pre-season was a fucking shitshow we didn't play like a team at all and i felt like such an outsider since 2 teams w/ already established friend groups merged and i didn't come from either team. But yesterday's practice was the first slp (my team aka the lower team - really means state premier league) practice where the npl team (the better team - really means national premier league) wasn't around and I def think that helped. Also I'm like really glad I'm not on npl because the spl coach is much nicer and it seems like the players on spl are nice too (and the division we're playing in is still higher than what i played last year which wasn't even my intention when i joined the team).

So anyway, practice, for the first hour we did a build out drill that was really good for me as a goalie because it was specifically designed to use me as a goalie (which doesn't happen that often) but also just generally a good drill. Then for the last half hour we just sat and talked as a team which I know sounds cheesy but it actually wasn't really and we def needed it. Our coach like reminded us that we need to be one team and we did like a gratitude circle and said what we were looking forward to (didn't have to be soccer related) and then our coach told that despite what the npl coach says (which is that it's a disappointment if we don't win the league) all he wants from us is the put in the effort so that individually and collectively we will get better with each game.

Alright, and then I came home and it was kinda late and then I ate and showered and it was def late and so my brain started to spin in circles and stress about today and how exactly my first interaction w/ M since the breakup was gonna go. Then one of my friends called me and we first talked about their problems and then mine and then random stuff and so that was nice.

Ok, today, the fucking roller coaster of a day that was today. So it started of good, just more of the shop internship, like the usually stuff. It was still good when a few of my friends and just people I knew showed up and stopped by the shop and said hi, it was, again, weird to hear how loud the hallway got, but it was ok. But then at some point I took smth down to the garage and I felt like I was about to start crying or have a panic attack or smth in the elevator because as I walked over I saw M for the first time in 2+ months and it was just a lot and terrified me. Then I went back to the shop and tried really fucking hard to focus on shop tasks, which included at least one more trip to the garage (maybe 2 i can't remember) and so I caught a glimpse of M again and it freaked me out again I didn't have the courage to go up to them and say hi or anything. So I did some more shop tasks, at one point I saw a big group of my friends which was great, oh and I also moved 7 anvils which was fun and the physical moment both was a really good distraction and gave me energy.

So now, the part where I was mildly stupid because no one was around to stop me. So I left the shop like 15min before orientation started to go find people and say hi and I didn't see any of my friends around and so I was like 'ok I can start a conversation w/ my ex by sneaking up on them and scaring them and I should do it now while I have energy and before I totally overthink this' (to be fair sneaking up on them and scaring them is something I've been doing since we first became friends and they're not the only person I do this to) and so I just did it I fucking ran at them and then I saw that the only people around where they were sitting was my asshole ex and their boyfriend so I just scared M and sprinted away before they even had a chance to realize what was happening.

After that I ended up finding my friends and hung w/ them a bit and then like 2 min before orientation was gonna start (we were already in the room) I decided to run downstairs and grab my water bottle and that just happened to be the same time that M walked into the room and I feel kinda bad about that

So then the next thing that happened is lunch and it was pretty good to start, I was hella stressed about what to do about the M situation but I also got to show off the shop to a bunch of people equally excited about it. At some point I asked my friends 'do I do the mildly stupid thing' (meaning to those who knew what's going on, do I go talk to M) and most people (esp those who knew) said no but eventually my friends came around and realized it was smth I needed to do and so one friend was like 'go do it now but it better not take more than 2 min' and I was like 'ok let me finish eating first tho' and then when I was almost done eating I saw M walking by and decided to sneak up on them again but not run away this time and that lead to like a full on conversation, just us

I don't even remember everything we talked about but I asked if they wanted to see the shop and so led them over there and showed them around and we ended up hanging out just us in there for a while and we like shared schedules, I showed her photos of when I tried to dye my hair (w/ friends help ofc), we just like talked and it was really really nice and felt so good to just be like that w/ them again. At one point I was like 'fuck it I just need to do this' and I hugged them and it was fine and good and didn't feel awkward or romantic or bad or anything.

Then eventually some of my robotics friends showed up and we talked about some random things and then they told us another person was not gonna do robotics this year and that made M wonder if they were gonna do the play again (M's a theater kid) and so we ended up running around for a few min trying to find that person but didn't find them so we just ended up sitting down w/ M's friends. I ended up bouncing between talking to M and other people walking by (since I know a lot of people) and at one point I talked to some people in the grade below me and they were joking about 2 of my friends who aren't dating but act like it and so another one of them asked about M and I had to tell them we broke up and they ask what terms we were on and so I was like 'friends?' eventually when I was back to talk to M I asked if they'd watch star trek if there was a musical episode (at which point another one of their friends who kinda like star trek joined the conversation) and so that then led to me showing M photos of pretty star trek people and then we looked at the time and were like 'oh shit we should have been back at orientation 5 min ago' (since basically all of M's friends are not in our grade they didn't have to go yet) and so me and M sprint up to orientation together, so uh I def didn't listen to my friend's suggestion of only 2 min but I actually needed to talk to them for that long.

so then the grade dean talked for a bit and then we broke off into advisories and i find out that M's ex-boyfriend from freshmen year (who they broke up w/ in almost the exact same way as they broke up w/ me) is in the same advisory as me, so uh let's hope I don't say anything stupid to him about our mutual ex

that was it for the day so i got a chance after to go talk to M again and that was the weirdest fucking conversation, pretty quickly it turned into us hearing about my asshole ex's boyfriend's crush and how they confessed right after their crush broke up w/ their girlfriend and then my asshole ex showed up so i have was having a conversation w/ 2 of my exes and one of their boyfriends which is just weird as hell and then at one point my asshole ex (related to conversation) made a comment about being willing to ask people out over text and M (who was asked out by my asshole ex when M liked me and had heard my say shit about how much of an asshole that ex was to me) said smth about knowing that my asshole ex would do that and then I chimed in we all know that because all of us had been asked out by my asshole ex at some point not too long after that i ended up leaving to go get ice cream w/ other friends tho so that was good (and like half hugged M good bye which was cool)

anyways, boring afternoon things happened and i just had soccer practice, which was again a pretty good practice and again we didn't practice w/ npl and we also did that build out drill again which is really really helpful for me and my coach is giving me useful pointers and just getting practice in those situations is helpful

so yeah, things are way better w/ me and M now and i like needed to talk to them for a decent amount of time and for now i think i'm over them but i'm scared that won't last because i can kinda already feel myself falling for them again and i almost don't wanna stop it (and so one of my friends has promised to confront me about it if they notice me making heart eyes at M)

#me #personal #school #soccer #M #ex girlfriend #ex grayfriend

[dzpenumbra]

5/27/23

I'm officially angry with my upstairs neighbors. And I honestly don't know what to do about it.

I got to sleep around 6 or 7 AM. I was woken up at fucking 9. Some kind of hammering or pounding on the wall right next to my bed, on the floor above me. It went on for like 30 minutes, at least. Long enough for me to give up on falling back asleep. Then I got sucked into an internet black hole for like 2 hours... then I went downstairs, made some cereal and ate it while watching skate videos. Then I got ready to go back to sleep, and picked out a binaural beat thing because that actually does help me fall asleep really well, especially for daytime naps, which I've always struggled with. The second I put the video on... they started pounding again. Not even exaggerating, it's fucking comical. I had to straight-up restrain myself from yelling. Really really bad fucking timing. And I could hear it plain as day with the noise cancelling and the audio in the headphones too. After a bit, they stopped long enough for me to fall asleep.

I shit you not... get ready for this... I woke up at like 3:30... on a Friday afternoon... to the sounds of them screaming while having sex. So loud that I could hear it over the noise cancelling, so loud that it fucking woke me up.

And... I'm just gonna get personal here, because... that's what journals do... I have some sexual-related traumas, and I have PTSD. And... though it's definitely not the dominant theme of my PTSD shit, it definitely sets off some really difficult shit for me. So... sex-related things can be a bit complicated for me, and waking up to that... it's really hard to put into words how unsettling that is. And, honestly... now that I'm thinking about it... I really feel for anyone who has young kids who lives in my apartment building. Like... that would be really fucked up for a young kid to hear that at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon.

And I'm once again in this position where... I'm getting thousands of reflexes pushing back against me right now. Years of training. "Do not complain. Do not be an asshole about this. Don't be that guy." Saying "something you're doing is causing severe disruption to my daily life" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't vacuum at 4 AM the day before Easter" is me being an asshole. Saying "please let me know before you do building maintenance on an adjacent wall, especially in the AM hours" is me being an asshole. Saying "please don't hammer on the walls at 9AM on a Friday morning" is me being an asshole. Me saying "please don't blast action movies 6 feet above my bed at 10 AM when I go to bed at 5" is me being not just an asshole, but a dysfunctional member of society on a backwards life schedule. This is the narrative that has been trained into my head, and reinforced over the course of years... possibly my entire life. Likely my entire life.

I just...suck it up. And on good months, I find some way to... tap into compassion. Like my sloppy reflexive take on the Buddhist monk approach. "They have a right to their lives too." "They don't know they're upsetting me." "I can just sleep later." "I'm the one with the weird schedule that I can't fix."

I dealt with this same shit at my last house with my landlord fucking mowing my lawn outside my window, like literally a foot away from my head... twice a week... starting as soon as fucking possible. He mowed that grass so fucking much that it was all dirt in the corners around the fence from him over-mowing. And I told my landlords multiple times "I work nights, I sleep in, please mow the lawn after noon." But it was nearly always around 10 or 11, and never on predictable days... just whenever the dude felt like it. And it would take all day. And it would rile my dog up and get her barking, so I'd have to chill her out and hang out with her, on like 5 hours of sleep... and that just became my life until the snow started falling again. I even offered to mow the entire lawn for them - they were retired and lived in a building on the same property - if they gave me a little deal on my rent, and they flat-out refused to even talk about it.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel like sleep disturbance is probably the most significant factor in my difficulty functioning in society and my difficulty in managing my mental health. And... I'm writing this at 4:30 AM.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I love the peace of these hours so much. I love the creative flow I get at this time. Plus... I just keep gravitating back to this schedule. I can't fucking help it, it just keeps happening. And it's been happening for like... half my life. What the fuck do I do about it? Do I write an email to my building manager, ask for a meeting and just chat with her about the problems I'm having and see what she suggests? Do I try to find out what room is right above me and leave them a note saying, "Hi, I live below you, you have really loud sex and I can hear all the screams and (no offense) I really don't want to hear that. I also would really appreciate it if you could keep it down a little bit in the AM hours, because I work nights. I'm assuming you don't know how loud you are because you don't have an upstairs neighbor, it's not the end of the world, but it's fucking with my sleep a lot so... if you don't mind keeping it down a bit I'd really appreciate it." Do I go with my plan of playing recordings of babies crying through a bluetooth speaker pressed directly against their floor while they're having sex? Do I find those noise machines that make annoying sounds that only young people can hear, and play that when they're making noise in the morning until they leave? I just... I don't know what to do.

I mentioned in therapy about my brainstorming on this here a few days ago. I struggle confronting people. Because it has gone so fucking horribly, traumatically wrong for me, so often. And not by fault of my own, by the way. That's the fucked up part that I'm really starting to wake up to.

God, okay... let's go down this memory road, because it's a super important one for me to remember. I was at the retreat place... trying to get off of meds that I was stuck on for what ended up being mental health misdiagnoses... living with about 10 people in their very early 20's. We were at a workshop with the eccentric founder, who was also the head of the Psych department at a local university. She was actually pretty cool, just... pretty out of touch with people like me, struggled to relate and communicate with me. She was running a workshop she called "The Shame Game"... where we all go around the circle and write a moment when we felt most ashamed, then we share it with the group, and hear what others think of it. I think it's a genius idea, and the fact that I'm referring back to it years later is pretty clear proof that it really is helpful for the right people. But it's a big step for people who aren't really... there yet.

For me, I wrote a moment that - at the time - happened pretty recently. This is probably not going to make any sense when I tell it, but I swear it's exactly how it went down. Let me get some ice cream first, so I can get through this, this one's a bit rough for me.

Alright, so it was Summer 2019 and I was well into my return to smoking weed and reconnecting with being an artist after my breakup and first experiences with death. I had been going out to the stream on my property every day with my dog, rearranging rocks to make the stream into a sculpted Zen Garden. I saw a standing dead tree trunk out there, about 4 feet tall. I was inspired to chop it down and make a bench out of it. I had no idea how, I was just going to figure it out as I went along. I called up my mom and floated the idea, because my hatchet and axe were over in her garage - along with the majority of my possessions. See... I used to live above that garage for about... 7 years? And I was assured that it was okay for me to move in at my own pace, and having my stuff there wasn't a problem. I felt some pushback from her on the tree trunk idea, and I have no idea... why? Or... why that was really any of her business? Like... I wasn't asking her permission, I was sharing an idea hoping for something like "wow, that's a cool idea" and just like... being respectful to let her know that I was planning on coming over (I lived 5 miles away) and getting my shit from her property, so she wasn't caught off-guard. I don't remember that conversation going poorly, but in the years since, she recalled it as very clearly telling me "no". ... As though she... has a right to keep my personal possessions away from me... her (at the time) 32 year old son... because she thinks I'm having a mental breakdown or something? That was the fucking paranoid narrative going around in that house. All because I was smoking pot and grieving a lot of losses alone, and reconnecting with art and spirituality.

But I digress... I... thought we were on good terms. I remember clearly, I was wearing a bandana and sunglasses, a white wife-beater with a big rainbow peace sign from the band Parkway Drive, camo shorts, barefoot. And I had my dog with me, with her bandana on as well. I got her in the car and we went over to get either the axe that I had used to hand-chop down a tree on my parents' property years prior... or my hatchet that I had since Junior year of high school. The hatchet I took on my 3-day thru-hike with me. The hatchet that had a ton of sentimental value to me. I pull in the driveway and my dog has her head out the window, because you know... she's a dog... And my parents are on the front porch. My mom's dog comes charging across the driveway at my parked car and the dogs start barking at each other. Her dog started to jump up on my car. See, despite these two dogs being around the same age, and very similar personalities... my mom outright aggressively refused to introduce the two. Despite my poor girl not having any dog friends, and being super sweet and social. And my mom's dog was a really nice girl too, who also had no friends. But my mom was fed some weird rhetoric like 20+ years ago that female dogs will fight to the death? And you never have female dogs around each other. And... I tried to disprove this to my mom. I tried to show her examples. My girl's first best friend was a big 2 year old mutt named Luna, they were wild, they played rough, but they would like... cuddle up together. There was never aggression, they were always overjoyed to see each other.

So... I'm guessing that panic primed the interaction. My mom came racing off the porch. I had already pulled her dog away from my car and closed the window on that side. There was no issue at all with the dogs and I took care of it swiftly and without incident. My mom starts freaking out on me. She started acting like I had done something wrong. Which, I'm now realizing like 4 years later is like... blatant reflexive gaslighting. Like, obvious. She's ashamed of how her dog reacted, so she makes me the bad guy. But that shit... it escalated quickly. And it got even worse when my dad came over and backed her up. I'm standing in her driveway, barefoot, and they're just like "what do you want? why are you here?" And I keep repeating, "I'm just here for my axe and my hatchet. I told you I was coming over. Are they in the garage? Are they in the barn?" And my mom starts telling me I can't have them. I remind her that they are my property... and she is simply storing them... and she can't really like... tell me I can't have access to my own tools... She doubles down. This escalated to them threatening to call the cops on me for trespassing if I didn't leave. And I still don't even fucking know why. Like... it's got to be panic. It's still so surreal looking back and going... "yeah, that actually happened."

They freaked out and went inside. I gave up on the axe and went into the garage and looked around for my hatchet in the last spot I remember it being. I couldn't find it. In fact, the area where all the tools had been was just... gone. I went upstairs where all my shit was stored and... it was a fucking warzone. She had gotten construction done on that building while all my shit was still there. There was drywall dust and spackle and paint and shit all over my stuff. My fucking college degree was bent and covered in drywall dust. I took fucking photos, it was so appalling that I was worried I might need them for a court case or something. Half of my tattooing supplies were ruined. I told my mom I was using this opportunity (since I was there) to organize my shit and get it the hell out of there ASAP. That if she was going to try to control and regulate my access to my own fucking possessions? And after seeing how horribly my shit was treated? I was getting my shit out of there as quickly as possible. And as I sorted important stuff very quickly, still in my search for the hatchet... I found some sentimental stuff from the past. And I... like a fucking crow with an abusive owner or something... brought sentimental things over to her back door and left them outside, as an offering. A reminder of who the person she was treating like this really was. Trying to elicit any fucking conscience or soul I could, through memory, to snap her the fuck out of whatever was going on. And... that was when I had the moment that... was my shame. Yes, I actually do remember why I was telling this story! XD The Shame Game...

I had the pile of offerings by the door. And my mom came over to the glass door and yelled at me to leave. And I tried one last time to beg her to reconsider. And my dad came over and backed her up. And she threatened to call the cops on me again. And I offered to do it for her. I offered to fucking do it for her. And I pulled out my phone and had the police station number stored in my phone and scrolled the phonebook to that number and had no fucking hesitation to do it if they threatened again. And... honestly? Maybe I should've called. Maybe I should've had a witness to that shit, and they'd have to explain how they were trying to call the cops on their 30 year old hippie son for "trespassing" when trying to reclaim tools for an art project. When he's a fucking artist, with a mangled degree in art.

I just want to note, for myself... I am trembling right now. It's not me being cold, it's not me being overtired... though those are factors... it's me reliving abuse. And it sucks. It's a unique feeling. Shaky, trembly, weak, tense. Yeah. Sucks.

But we're not quite to the part I was telling this whole story for yet. So... I didn't call the cops. And... my little brother appears behind my parents. And starts screaming at me to get off their property. I can see it in my head like a fucking nightmare, so vivid. The three of them silhouetted behind the glass door, screaming at me like chimpanzees behind the glass in a zoo exhibit. Very primal. And I... I broke. And I spat on the fucking glass, left the offerings for nature to take them, got whatever I could salvage and left.

And that was my shame. That I spat on the glass. That I let all three of them break me. I had a moment of weakness, and I did something petty. Out of aggression. Out of spite. Out of retaliation. And I'm better than that. I'm fucking better than that.

Can you see how strongly I feel about this?

But the point of all this was... when I told that story to my group... not only was there not a single jaw that hadn't hit the fucking floor... but people in the group were actually a bit upset with me because... because of how tame that was. Because no one could actually see themselves reacting that tamely in that situation. Like 10 people, all from different backgrounds, some very passive personalities, some more outburst-y... all unanimous that... I really didn't need to carry that shame.

But I do. And it showed me just how fucking important perspective can be. Especially for someone who grew up in or has spent a substantial amount of time in a manipulative, controlling and/or abusive environment.

So... now that you know that story... a little taste of my upbringing... Now you know what my brain thinks it's going to get as a reaction to spitting on a window and storming off. Imagine what my brain thinks is going to happen with... direct confrontation with a stranger.

You ready for a fucked up formula? The PTSD spiral? My trauma is set off by these people fucking up my sleep. And it gets to the point of crippling my entire life if left unchecked. How do I address it? Communication, right? Which... in this case... is almost exclusively confrontation. Confronting disruptive behaviors. And my ability to confront... is affected by how severely agitated my PTSD is. So... the more I need to confront people, the more my primal threat detection systems shut me down, the more I self-sabotage and find ways to talk myself out of confrontation. To protect me from blame, to protect me from shame, to protect me from harm. Be it physical (threat to housing stability, living near a known enemy), psychological (the way I think) or spiritual (the way I feel). My survival instincts will very quickly start to paint any narrative they can to keep me from confronting others and thus putting myself in harm's way - and lucky me... I've been fed plenty of easily believable self-protective (self-blaming/self-destructive) narratives my entire life, taught to me by my gaslighting family and toxic past relationships.

<heavy sigh>

Welp... it's 5:30 now. XD

It's exhausting living like this. And, in a fucking weird way... I envy the people who live above me. How simple and carefree their life must be!

But I have to remember... as much pain as I've suffered, as much as I have never deserved any of what I've been through. I've grown so much because of it. I am so fucking strong because of it. In so many ways, I am not a victim any more. I am a survivor. And though the war may be over... for now... I still carry habits, and I need to learn how to navigate things like this. Specifically confrontation and setting boundaries. And the only way to learn is to practice.

I'm just upset that I've been begging for help with this for years... just someone to go with me and hold my hand, or proofread shit, or something. And... that person just doesn't exist. And I don't think I've ever met anyone (except maybe my little brother) who needs help with that more than me.

Alright, enough of that for now. That was very intense.

I spent a huge chunk of the evening inking the skull. It looks so fucking cool. I know I had my doubts and shit, I always do... but... this is really sick. I, with my obsession for clean forms and details, decided to start inking with a wooden skewer instead of my tiny detail paintbrush. It allowed me more precision. So I spent most of the night dipping a wooden kebab skewer into Kuro Sumi outlining ink and inking an abstract design onto a goat skull. And the ink from last night did not bleed or smudge. It dried on it really well, actually. So I went buck wild with it, and I got... probably 2/3 of the abstract design that I penciled done. The ink flows incredibly well on bone, it's hard to really explain. I'm glad I polished it first. It feels like plastic, very smooth application which lets you make really smooth lines and fill areas really quickly. But unlike plastic, it's naturally porous, so a lot of the ink actually does subtle absorb into the bone. I enjoyed the process and look forward to working on it tomorrow! I'll most likely share the final product on here.

Since it's already 5:30, let's just go whole hog tonight and do tarot too. Fuck it. It's not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow, and there's like an 80% chance I'm just going to be woken up in a few hours anyway. Same spread as always.

First Position - Past - Two of Wands (Planning, scrutiny, taking risks and moving a plan forward.  The active force needed to put a plan into motion.) Second Position - Present - Ace of Swords, inverted (Intellect, apply logic and reason, Clarity and focus of mind.) Third Position - Future - I: The Magician (Balance between conscious and subconscious, unity between spirit and matter.  Indicates a period of ability to manifest will.)

Alright. So we're starting with a period from my past... a thread that originates in my ambition, determination and planning. This led to... present situations where logic and reason are actually causing dysfunction. Or... something's out of whack with my clarity and focus? Like my plans aren't coming to fruition because of a disruption in the Ace of Swords symbol in the Present. And... if that thread continues... there will continue to be a disruption in my equilibrium as a well-balanced person. Disrupting my ability to become the ideal version of what I strive to be.

I mean... it's a pretty simple message, really, right? My planning... through the lens of skewed focus and logic... leads to me not being able to manifest great things. And that logic skew is mostly surrounding shitty experiences and false lessons taught to me. Like some of the shit I talked about tonight. And... I'm actively working on that. So, that's good!

Cool, welp, that makes sense. Alright. Off to bed for me. Wish me luck. I'm bringing the headphones upstairs with me this time. Maybe when those fuckers inevitably make noise, I can just pop the earbuds in and roll over. Fingers crossed.

But on a brighter closing note? The skull is coming along really well. I'm excited to share progress once I get to a comfortable stopping place.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[the-art-in-arthesia-is-loud]

Random Ass Trivia Post Because I Am Impatient To Share These...Trivias. Heh.

help girlboythingthemidkthegenderofthepersonwhoisreadingthisrightnow i have a lot of stuff to share here that i could've shared in their own posts but i DIDN'T. utc like always :3

yea hello let's proceed

i shared this before but i'll say it again- technicolour's cube can turn into a dagger if he really needs it to be a dagger. it can also turn into a paintbrush and a digital pen.

spinel went missing on a friday, so on every friday galactic would play spinel's favorite song to: A. mourn her if she's fucking dead, or B. increase her hopes of spinel coming back soon.

^ spinel's favorite song is anything that sounds like the song she's based off of (spinel by penoreri(??? i hope i'm typing that right jddjddjk)).

tempo will never, and i mean NEVER, let trojan near a computer or any device like ever. this is because trojan would just end up giving it a virus if he even touches it. he doesn't know why this happens and he can't exactly control this either.

^ he can still use a phone perfectly fine, though. but he's not allowed to use shit like google or whatever.

for every year on her birthday, pamolia's parents would gift her the same goddamn thing; butterflies in a frame. she absolutely fucking ADORES THEM THOUGH. even if it's the same thing over and over again. ohhhhh the butterfly autism is real for her...... (idek if i'm gonna make her ACTUALLY autistic or not since i myself am Not autistic so-)

as implied in a recent drawing of mine, pupa can turn into a cute lil butterfly if he so pleases :333 but yeah, he did got stuck inside of a jar once. he felt like it was his death day.

if arghena and mantis were to ever meet, abstruse would be horrified over how fucking PINK AND PURPLE THEY ARE..........

primeval has made WAY TOO MANY CONNECTIONS THUS FAR. in her one month of even being conscious on this god forsaken planet she already made like. what. 10 acquaintances. what the fuck. i wish i was like her...

spinel once stole destonio's chocolate bar. needless to say she nearly died.

ana and hikaru get along fine. she hates glaciaxion and finds arta annoying, though.

a lil trivia that is Not related to a character; there might be characters based off of prsk commission songs here. who knows though. aha. ha. ha. ha ha ha ha ha h a h a h a H A .

back to character based trivia: pamolia is a science kid, meanwhile miracle hates science. they're meant to be /hj

no one, and i mean NO ONE can ever impress or even make tessi smile. the only three exceptions to this are callima, world ender, and loveless dress (who i haven't mentioned yet, but hey! she exists! woo hoo!)

^ after she became lacey, that list increased somehow, adding tempestissimo and fate into the list <3

aleph's a perfectionist now, sure, but at least his perfectionism is not as bad as back then when he was still in high school. he would come home from school, stomp into his room, and then have a full on breakdown for just getting a simple 80 on a test....... (this is me projecting)

one time in the past, mantis stepped on a caterpillar infront of larva. needless to say she was fucking mortified.

felis would spill tea everywhere, no matter where he is. lightning screw always complains about it, meanwhile glory road finds it wayyy too amusing to tell him to stop.

hikaru and arta used to be friends! and even know they still are friends! when arta saw the news about hikaru's death, he was absolutely horrified that he just couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks on end.

^ adding onto that, hikaru and glaciaxion met when hikaru was like...11? yeah, maybe. i'll probably dive deeper into that another time, though.

spinel cares a LOT about her physical appearance, because to her, her appearance is basically anyone's first impression of her! so she has to look her best everyday! it's common courtesy!

ok yea i ran out of shit to say augh

#arthesia fucking rambles #arthesias ocs #rgverse: character info #NOT TAFGING WEVROTNR....

[violaobanion]

Hello, Succession Anon again with my last message til I can watch more in the who-knows-when future! Ah, the family cycle of abuse pit. A trope I shall never tire of watching!

LMAO yeah, not everyone has had a chance to be terrible yet, so currently I have some characters I only feel sorry for. I imagine that will change very easily (except for the dog I saw for like 5 seconds in this ep; BEST PUPPER, 100/10, NO DRAMA FOR THEM).

Anyway, here is my liveblog! May you enjoy my ridiculous amount of rambling, and also a light scattering of screaming. And a silly amount of em-dashes to separate scenes.

———

Kendall: [lights a cig, has one puff, then stomps it out to drama walk into a building] Arresting him for littering and for being wasteful. Jail for 50 years!

(After everything else I watched in the first ep, though, this is so far down on the 'people saying/doing bad stuff' things that it'd be a footnote on Santa's naughty list.)

———

Kendall: Does anyone want to talk to their dad?

My headcanon here is that Logan sneezed and instantly went 'Hmm, sounds like I need to call one of the little shits'.

———

Logan: [says he's excited full of an emotion that expresses he'd rather watch paint dry]

I'm beginning to see why these kids have daddy issues.

———

RIP Greg in the mascot dogsuit. It must not have been pretty or smelled good in there.

Also, I completely spaced out from what Greg was saying the moment I saw a dog. PUPPY!

———

Roman: 'Hey hey, motherfuckers!' Refuses to elaborate ANYTHING except mockery. Leaves.

I don't know whether to like him or not, but I would steal his last french fry.

———

I have no idea how to comment on Logan not only knowing about his 'surprise' party but also trying to have a say in it.

Like, relatable on the part of not wanting people in my face because anxiety. But it isn't abt anxiety for Logan, it's abt control, right? Sir, a surprise party is meant to have surprises!

———

WHAT THE FUCK IS A PREEKEND?! Why can't they say Friday; Shiv, I'm with you on this.

———

Kendall casually saying he'd give a bj without knowing his dad is in the room OH GOSH THAT POOR MAN it'd be like my fam finding my smut list. I'd jump out the window instantly.

———

Tom/Connor: casually tells a kid that he's got water pumping rights and people are gonna kill each other for said water some day

SIR, WHAT THE ACTUAL F

I can't believe 'hey motherfuckers' Roman was the sane man there, but THANK FUCK HE SHUT TOM/CONNOR UP. Well, tried to.

(Edit for Clarification: Roman called Connor 'Tom' for some reason, so I got confused and just put Tom/Connor here. RIP Connor.)

———

Shiv: What's that; Date R*pe by Calvin Klein? Roman: You wish. Shiv: …'You wish'???

SHIV, WTF. 2. ROMAN, DOUBLE WTF. 3. FORGET WHAT I SAID; JAIL FOR ROMAN FOR 100 YEARS.

———

RIP Greg, gets slammed into a door the moment he meets Logan.

Currently feeling the most sorry for Greg here; if he gets pushed out of a window at any point, I'm not even gonna be surprised.

'Yeah, that's Greg, bad shit happens to him a lot. You get used to it.'

———

Logan: Where's Tom? Shiv: He's right here. Logan: Oh, well, nevermind.

Logan, you can't just murder a man like that.

———

Kendall's ex(?): I'm just hoping [her date] doesn't leave coke smeared all over the kids' iPads.

EXCUSE ME WHAT?!

Oh, that was a dig at Kendall. Uh, I'm sad for everyone now, wow.

———

Logan: In the event of my demise (hi s4), I'm adding Marcia and leaving her my seat.

WELP. THAT'S A BOMBSHELL.

Shiv: Uh, I'm gonna need my lawyers to look at this. Logan: Sure. By 4:00, ok? Logan: Also, I discussed this with Kendall, but I'm staying in power as CEO. Kendall: Wh-what? Logan: Let's eat!

I see where Roman got his 'go in, throw shit at the wall, then leave' tendencies from.

'Fuck this shit I'm out' started playing in my head as Connor left too.

———

The longer Logan is on screen, the more I start… losing emotions. He just called rehab 'the nuthouse', and is generally insulting his son.

Logan: Is that why you're paying a billion dollars for a gay little website? Kendall: It's a portfolio of online brands and digital video content.

So Logan is Succession's Elon Musk, and Kendall is his son buying Instagram.

Now Logan's egging Kendall into punching him/mocking him for nearly crying, and poor Kendall is having a breakdown in the bathroom. Good lord, I want to hug him.

———

The past few moments they've mentioned a game, drove off in SUVs, and now there are helicopters. I have no idea what is going on.

OH, IT'S A BASEBALL FIELD. Now I know what's going on. There are so many shots of Tom holding a box, and I think that's the gift he's been trying to give to Logan. I feel sorry for the dude, and I get the feeling that's gonna sum up the show: me feeling sorry for characters.

Yep, it was a gift. Logan doesn't care. Continuing to feel sorry for Tom.

———

Tom: You need any help, any advice, just don't fucking bother, ok? Just kidding! [later] I'm a terrible, terrible prick. Just kidding!

Greg: [confused and clearly has no idea wtf is going on]

Don't worry, bro, me too.

Tom: Would you kiss me?

SIR, ARE YOU TRYING TO SPEEDRUN ANY% STRANGERS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS?!

———

Ooh, did Kendall just go straight to the media about his family? 👀👀

———

Roman: Can you hit a ball? Kid: Yeah… Roman: Great, I will give you $1mil if you hit a home run.

WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA PUT PRESSURE ON THE KID! But dang that is a lot of money, good on you, Roman.

———

Roman: [tears up the check right in the kids face, then gives him the torn pieces]

Roman, every time I say something nice about you, you fuck it up. I'm getting a spray bottle full of water, just for you.

EVEN LOGAN WAS NICE TO THE KID! You know you fucked up when Logan was (temporarily) nicer than you.

———

Kendall: I'm gonna stuff your mouth with so much money you're gonna shit gold figurines.

So Midas kink?

Kendall: [goes into graphic detail abt gold cages and silver d*ldos]

WHEN I SAID KINK I DIDN'T MEAN I WANTED A WHOLE ASS SUMMARY ABOUT YOUR FANTASIES, KENDALL

———

…I don't even know what to say about Logan making the kid and his family sign an NDA. Like, at least maybe the kid is getting money after all, but W O W.

I should probably get multiple water spray bottles.

———

Logan: Do we have a deal? His kids: No Logan: [instantly collapses from insubordination]

WELP. EVERYTHING WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET, AND THIS IS ONLY S1 E1.

———

Everyone else: [chaos, drama, and depression] Frank: [resting on a chair after getting fired]

Be free, Frank. Get away from this! …OH, THE KID AND HIS FAMILY GOT TOM'S GIFT FOR LOGAN! Like, kinda happy for the kid/family 'cause they could sell that or whatever, but rip Tom. Logan loves hurting his family more than your Brand watch.

———

That's everything from my liveblog of ep 1! Sorry for only one ep liveblog, but hopefully it was an amusing read. This is gossipy hen/Succession Anon, signing off! salutes

Hi my dear anon!

Haha I love to see your liveblogging, this was a very amusing read indeed. You're observations are pretty spot on and hilarious, and it made almost nostalgic thinking about the time when I watched the shitshow (affectionately) for the first time 😌

A few comments:

Tom and/or Greg: There's a fine line between feeling sorry for and being annoyed by these two fellas. I think you're gonna cross it many times (and hopefully soon). Still love them both btw. But god. UGH!

*sigh* What would this show be without daddy issues, amarite or amarite? 😏

I would steal Roman's last french fry too 🤣

Fun fact: Roman's "you wish" at Shiv's perfume comment was unscripted, and so Shiv's reaction is actually Sarah's reaction. For a split second she falls out of character and looks at the crew. But when you don't know, it just looks like Shiv fucking baffled. I love that for her and I love Kieran's improv. It's not the last time he does that (but sadly not all his attempts make it. One of them was even too good???)

"SIR,WHAT THE ACTUAL F" is one the most accurate descriptions of Connor I've ever heard. That man is so out of touch. Send help.

Logan is the male equivalent of a Karen 🙂🔪

Frank is love, Frank is life. That man? *chef's kiss* right there

I remember last time I rewatched this (right before s4) thinking "LOGAN COULD'VE DIED IN THE FIRST EPISODE??" and then thinking what dream scenario that would have been. But oh well!

#succession anon #answered #long post

[arosebyan0thername]

Work related rant under the cut

My coworker is pissed that we have a new store manager who doesnt give her as much authority as our old one, so now shes throwing a fit and practically refusing to work. My SM and I found a bunch of price tags in the trash which were supposed to go up on my coworker's weekend, and then we wonder why none of the price changes are getting done accurately. She doesn't do anything even remotely physically strenuous, including just literally taking the fucking trash out. She cites her knee problems, but my SM literally was transferred to our store the week she came back from knee surgery, and with EDS I've had bad knees since middle school. Not everyone's pain is the same and you can't compare experiences with disability, but it's not fair to the two of us that we have to work through our pain every single time because she never ever does. And today, she left literally as soon as I clocked in, and my cashier leaves at 6. So I get 5 hours today to do a whole list of things, most of which were supposed to be done in the back room, which I can't do when I'm alone. She got her covid booster and flu shot at the same time yesterday, and I know for a fact the pharmacist told her that could make her extra sick bc she got it where we work and he's required to say that to everyone. I'm not mad that she went home early because she was feeling sick. I'm mad that she made a decision which she was very very well aware could lead to her being too sick to work. I'm mad that she consciously and fully informed made a choice to put me in the position I'm in today. She decided to get her covid booster and flu shot at the same time in the middle of the week instead of last week when she knew she would have Saturday and Sunday off work to recuperate. I've been wanting to get mine since the updated booster came out, but I've been waiting because I haven't had a time when I could do it and then take time off yet. I was going to wait and do it the Friday before her weekend, because I fucking know I don't want to be at work with that. And it's not like she just wanted to get it the moment it was available to her, because we've had it for a week or so already. She could have done it this past Friday!!!! And now im stuck doing all of the work that she should have been doing for her last two and a half hours plus all the work I was supposed to be doing while i had her and could work uninterrupted, plus everything else I was already gonna do today. I'm just really fucking tired of her but my SM refuses to actually fucking do anything about it

#personal #sorry just needed to complain for a min

[sagemoderocklee]

B C I K S T X

Friday April ancient

15, 20, 41

Ended up being a lot of questions 😬 please just answer the ones you want to.

anon this is fantastic and i love you. i have managed to make lunch, which exhausted me and i had to lay down immediately after, and take a shower, which i just finished and also exhausted me, so i once again am laying down with nothing to do. so this is perfect and i appreciate it so much. <3

i am gonna put everything under a cut though because as you said, this is a lot of questions and i, unsurprisingly, rambled a lot

--

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

I think in some ways there's true-to-life experiences in all my fics, but nothing is like verbatim my own experience. Lee in Absolution is definitely a reflection of myself after my mom died; if wanting were enough i'd take you by the hand was a reflection of my own struggles with mental health; to an extent, some of what Gaara struggles with in 13S is a reflection of my own struggles with romance.

that being said, this question made me think of a meet-cute wherein Gaara or Lee goes to the butter museum in Cork City, Co Cork, Ireland and gets asked out to lunch by the other because that would actually make a cute fic. :p

C: What member do you identify with most?

Rock Lee. Def the most relatable to me, though I find as an adult I also relate a lot to Gaara--like his idealism and desire to change the world (even if I think he goes about it the wrong way ya know becoming part of the system yada yada). But overall, Rock Lee.

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

Not really. I guess if there was something it would be if I ever decided to finish the GaaLee Hogwarts AU I've got. I don't like leaving a fic unfinished, but I mean... it's kinda impossible to engage with HP publicly and financially because JKR is what she is--a racist, antisemetic, terf. doesn't mean i don't miss reading and writing HP fic but... mhm i just don't know if i can bring myself to ever publish anything HP again.

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

I def think We Need Not Be Yellow Tulips. I mean, it's Hanahaki so kind of par for the course, or at least, I think so. Fill in the [ ] is also probably gonna be pretty damn angsty since it's got some similar sort of tropes in play. I could also say that "if wanting were enough i'd take you by the hand" fits into this, but i don't actually like calling it angsty per say. that feels like it's not what that is, but it definitely is a painful story.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

I don't think so? I'm more invested in political dramas to begin with so I don't know if there's anything within that realm that really.... fits like common fandom tropes?

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

i have def talked about this plenty but fucking Soulmate AUs. I hate them and i hate everyone's various and sundry stupid ideas for them, quite frankly. I don't care about some so-called love you just can't avoid because some higher power decided it. i want a love you have to choose; a love you keep on choosing even when everything is against you. what's the point of "well they were always gonna be together"? where is the romance in that? that's not love. that's just being stuck with someone whether you like it or not. soulmate aus as a general rule are lazy and unimaginative, and i think all those "what if your soulmates name was on your body" "what if the first thing your soulmate said to you was on your body" are utterly and completely stupid and set us back quite a bit.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

I don't view suffering as something I enjoy, but if a story necessitates a character's suffering I'll write what is needed. Literary suffering is a powerful tool for connecting humanity, and I do think it's necessary and brings catharsis, but I wouldn't call it enjoyment. I enjoy writing the stories themselves, but I'm not like reveling in suffering.

friday: most self-indulgent fic you have ever posted?

Definitely Thirteen Strokes. Hands down the most self-indulgent work I've ever created. That fic is just me being me about my worldbuilding and diving headfirst into a romance without worrying as much about political intrigue. Like I love a political drama, and those are self-indulgent in their own right, but this is less about being a plot-heavy story and more about the romance--the romance of Suna, of Wind, and the romance between Gaara and Lee. It's a love story for both the world I envision and the couple.

april: have you ever written and/or posted a crackfic?

yes, actually. back in the day (2010), I wrote a handful of crack!fics that centered around dreams. so it was like the dream was the vehicle to make a completely weird story. i wrote one for GaaLee and one for Albus Severus/Scorpius back in my HP days. Both of them are on my old ff LJ and I'm pretty sure both are now privated lmao

ancient: the first fic you ever posted online?

oh boy so back in 2003/04 I lived in this HP message board website called snitchseeker.com i lived on this site. i had my lil alias "Aria" that ppl knew me as. i was popular on this site. i had friends who i added on fb. i eventually became a moderator. i checked it a few years back and it's just crazy to look back on that time but yeah i was very active on SS dot com from about 2003 to 2008 (14 years old to 18 years old, i think i stopped using the site early on before turning 19). once i got really heavy into Harry/Draco, plus being older and at the time figuring out my sexuality, being on a website that actively did not allow gay content was simply not working out for me. there was another gay person on that site i became friends with and we made SO MANY jokes on message boards that went completely under the radar, but anyways i digress.

so back in 2003/2004 i wrote a fanfic called Serendipity that was just my lil mary-sue self-insert who was gonna fall in love with Harry James Potter because that was my big fictional crush as a youth. I was shipping Harry/Luna at the time, but like i was also a fourteen year old girl who'd just lost their mom and had their whole life uprooted, and well, why wouldn't i write a self-indulgent mary-sue fic? like come on.

anyways, i had two stories planned. Serendipity was in fact that OCs name and she was Sirius Black's daughter. her mom was this mermaid goddess, making Serendipity a demi-god. Serendipity had pitch black hair past her ass with silver streaks and heterochromia--i went into INTENSE detail about the minutiae of her eye colors oh my god. this was also back when Charmed was on tv and didn't suck just yet, so i took the 'orbing' ability from that show and gave it to Serendipity lmao

she was like living in an orphanage and dreaming about harry's life and so she ran away and found him and ended up going to hogwarts lmao it was INSANE like the most absurd story but god i was determined to live out that lil HP fantasy. the end of the first fic she was supposed to die but then the second fic she like comes back and her hair is all silver with black streaks instead XD

anyways i never finished the fic or the sequel, and all remnants of that fic are gone. i don't even think i have the floppy disk--yes floppy disk--that it was saved on anymore.

15. How do you deal with self-doubt when writing?

Keep writing. That's really the best thing you can do. Rereading your work is helpful, too, and I do that often as well. I look back at old comments (my 3 page hoard of particularly nice comments). But the best thing to do is to keep writing.

If I'm feeling really stuck I also like to read books and kind of take in a professional's writing for inspiration and like uplifting me.

20. Any advice for young writers/advice you wish someone would have given you early on?

Writing is a craft. It's not easy, it's not something you just do.

I get that it's like nice to just be like 'yeah anyone can do X! have fun!' but for some reason with writing, there's a lack of respect for it as a craft and the majority of fandom culture has dug its heels in, taking a stand against good faith feedback. Sure, anyone with a keyboard can write, but that doesn't make you a good writer. I think this idea that 'anyone can write' is actually really insulting to people who put a lot of work into honing the actual craft of writing.

imo, and this may be mean but it's the truth, not everyone can write. not everyone can draw. not everyone can sew or sing or dance. these are skills. some people have better coordination naturally, but that doesn't mean they don't need to practice the skill. writing is a craft which requires a set of skills, and if you aren't dedicated to writing as such then like whatever, but don't act like your lil ao3 fic is actually transformative or better than published works

like im all for having fun and having hobbies that you aren't like trying to turn into careers and shit, but i mean you should still respect the craft you've decided to undertake, not to mention i dunno take fucking pride in your work?

At the end of the day, writing is about technique and skill. There are rules to writing, there are techniques, there is a study to the craft. If you don't understand basic plot structure, how are you gonna write? If you don't understand how to create a character arc, what is compelling me to read? If you don't know what a theme is or how to convey theme, what exactly are you saying?

Fanfiction is fun and I love it, but I think that fandom as a general rule lost a lot when we moved away from people being able to take good faith critique of their written works. Sorry but just because you made something doesn't mean it's good. I've written some horrible fics because I was learning how to write, and that's okay! If I didn't have people giving me feedback and helping me to get better, I would not be the writer I am today. And if I thought that I didn't have anything else to learn, then I'll never be the writer I wanna be--the writer I'll be in a year or two years or ten isn't going to be the same writer I am today because of growth and practice and technique.

people act as though feedback is a moral judgment or a personal attack, instead of just... a helpful tool. it's absurd to me that someone can say "hey this thing you did needs work" and someone will turn around and act like they've been attacked. 'don't like don't read' fine sure but like do you actually wanna get better? or are you just sharing things within the bubble of people who will praise you uncritically for the sake of your own ego? if that's why you're writing like whatever do you, but that ain't a healthy outlet or expression of creativity tbh.

if you wanna get better then you need to listen to what other people have to say. Some people are wrong--a lot of ppl are, actually, because amazingly yes there are ppl who give critique because they wanna feel important and because they got big egos. but you shouldn't discount a person who genuinely approaches your work with honest critique just because you wanna believe your work is perfect or you think writing is easy. It's not easy. it's hard. it's work. it's a skill, and you disrespect writing as a craft and writers as a whole when you act like it's just something you do on a whim.

41. Are there any books you feel have shaped you as a writer?

The unavoidable truth is that Harry Potter shaped me a great deal.

It's a hard thing to reconcile--loving something and having found such magic in it, knowing it helped you through the darkest periods of your life only to discover that the person behind it is an irredeemable human being. HP still holds a place in my heart, but that place is shattered by the truth of who JKR is. And it's not just one thing about her. It's many things--the racism, the antisemitism, the homophobia, the transmisogyny. she's a vile person and i hope she gets hit by a car and dragged for blocks.

I think that the actual series itself holds many problems, but at its core was a good and powerful series, but that doesn't mean the magic hasn't been lost because of the author.

#ask game answers

[falloutdope]

2021

Fic drabble

[...] Shizune started to speak. 

"Ok, as I told you last week, today we're gonna have an interesting exercise to know how the rest see us." 

She thought it shouldn't be necessary to clarify and repeat all her speech having in mind she was working with adults but assumed that wouldn't work since two of them acted like teenagers. 

"On friday I asked you to choose one member of the band for today you have to imitate them." At this point, any collaboration sign was welcomed. 

"Who wants to start?" 

"Me." Hidan immediately answered from his seat with a relaxed and carefree expression, grabbing the backpack next to him to put in on his lap. 

"What a surprise…" Deidara didn't contain a sarcastic tone. 

"Did you say something, Avril Lavigne?" Hidan teased as he pulled a blonde long haired wig from his backpack. 

"The f*ck is that?" Inquired the blonde frowning in bewilderment. 

"Oh lord…" Kisame sighed as he put his palm over his own face with a clear vision of what would be a very near future. 

"Don't you recognize me yet? I'm friggin YOU, asswipe." 

Hidan stood up and started to shout while he waved his now long hair. 

"Oh look at me, I'm always so angry at everyone and everything! I always threat everyone with blowing something up but I'm also a princess!" he said in a mocking tone 

"I'm so beautiful and I'm always whipping my LONG and beautiful HAIR at the FACE of EVERY-F*CKING-ONE because I don't want to use a F*CKING-HAIRBAND." 

"YOU KNOW WHAT?" Deidara cut him visibly upset "I'D ALSO IMITATE YOUR LOOKS BUT SINCE I DON'T WANT TO SPIT SNOT IN MY HAND FOR THE SAKE OF COPING YOUR LAME HAIRSTYLE, I WILL JUST STAND UP IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM AND START TO SCREEeEeEeEeEeEeEEEEEEEAMmmm ("Nice falsetto" appreciated Kisame "An F#5 one" added Itachi) LIKE A F*CKING PSYCHO IGNORING COMPLETELY THE REST OF THE MEMBERS AND NOT GIVING A DAMN SHIT IF THEY WANT TO HEAR WHAT THEY ARE F*CKING PLAYING." 

"WELL AT LEAST I HAVE A GODDAMN GOOD VOICE, WICH IS THE ONLY REMARKABLE FEATURE IN THIS LAME BAND." Replied Hidan. 

"AND YOU SHOULD BE THANKING TO YOUR F*CKING GOD YOU HAVE THAT CAUSE IS THE ONLY REMARKABLE THING YOU HAVE," Pointed out Deidara. "YOU CAN'T EVEN PLAY A STUPID TAMBOURINE FOR GOOD." 

"OH I COULD USE A KNIFE AND PLAY YOUR F*CKING VOCAL CHORDS LIKE A VIOLIN" threatened Hidan. 

"Shall we stop now?" Kisame almost begged Shizune whose immediate answer was "Oh no, let them continue." 

"WELL, THE ONLY GOOD USE FOR THAT BRAINLESS HEAD OF YOURS WOULD BE A BOX DRUM" 

"Can't you see they are about to kill each other?" Insisted Kisame. 

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing." She remained calm. 

"No." Itachi said as he stood up and drew the attention of the fighting pair "You two need to stop NOW." His voice was deep, calm but firm "This is enough. This activity was supposed to help us relate better and you are just making it an excuse to keep arguing. We're not going anywhere like this." 

"Did you hear that?" Hidan blurted, squinting towards Itachi "The 'im-so-smart-i-have-to-take-every-fucking-thing-seriously' honors us by speaking to us, what must've we done good!!" said in a sardonic tone. 

"I'm so intelligent I don't even need to be here but I have to because my therapist says so" Deidara mocked.

The Uchiha wasn't upset at all "You two are here for the same reason." 

Hidan ignored him completely and went on "OHHHHH ENVY ME! I'M MOMMA KISAME, THE ONLY SANE MEMBER OF THIS GROUP!! OH AND I ALSO NEVER HAVE TIME FOR REHEARSALS SO the f*ck are you doing here?" 

Kisame looked tired and disappointed. "You know that doesn't hurt me, don't you? Also I can't manage my schedule, you know I'm here just to help you guys--" 

"Then quit acting like our damn mom!" interrupted him the blonde "Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re entitled to do so!!" 

"Then quit acting like a pair of dumbass toddlers." Kisame stated. 

“You two, the ‘so-mature’ ones, why haven't you done the stupid exercise yet?" Pointed out Hidan. 

"Must be because mom and dad don't play with toddlers” added Deidara. 

"No, it's not necessary they do." Shizune declared while taking notes in her notebook. "WHY!?" Hidan protested. 

"Because I could clearly see how much you love and care for each other already" 

Hidan kept his eyes on the woman but leaned towards Deidara's side and mumbled "B*tch is on drugs." Deidara looked at him and held back a laugh.

[...]

#lets see if i can finally finish all this #sorry if it is confusing #i tried my best to translate it from spanish #anyway i hope you like it #akatsuki #rockband au #fic drabble #my writing skills are as good as my dancing ones lol #im open to constructive criticism

[bisexy-legend]

Since Fear Street: 1666 is coming out on friday I think it's time we share our final theories about what will happen in the end.

Mine are:

1. Nick Goode is not a good guy

I don't feel like I need to elaborate on that but I will anyway cause there were two major scenes where a got a very foreshadowing vibe that he's a bad guy. In 1994, Martin, the mall janitor, tells Nick that he was more "Sheriff Mother Fucking Evil" when Nick tells him his name is "Sheriff Goode", and in 1978, when Nick goes into the cabin and sees the bodies of the kids his hands get covered in blood, their blood on his hands, he keeps looking at it until Kurt runs to him and he even asks if he was the one who killed Joan when he sees the blood, and in the very beginning of 1994 when Josh shows Deena the police report of the mall massacre it says that Ryan attacked Nick and that's why he shot him, which definitely was not true since the killers don't even go after Sunnyvalers, so he is definitely sus.

2. Sarah Fier's is not the bad guy

I think this one everyone knows but I actually think that when people bleed on her bones she tries to show them the truth about whatever happened in 1666 but she was unable of it because she was missing her hand, that's why Deena gets the same flash images that everyone else gets but she actually goes there and also whoever is behind this is definitely the one who calls the henchmen back to prevent them from learning the truth.

3. Samantha Fraser is the key

I've been thinking this since 1994 cause of two scenes, when they are in the forest and Sam goes for the bones for the second time, Sarah's voice keeps telling her "it's you!" over and over, I think somehow maybe Sam is actually related or the reincarnation of some sort of Sarah's lover? Idk, but it was weird. And there's also that scene with Deena saying "You and we are the way out " felt very foreshadowing to me.

4. They need to destroy the hanging tree to end the curse

The tree is overlooked during most the movies and they just go there to search for Sarah or to get the hand, but after Heather is killed right in the beginning the tree is shown alone in a long shot which was definitely on purpose, and also, why would the Goode family preserve this specific tree? If they wanted to erase the bloody past of that place the tree where two people died in the camp is a great place to start isn't it? But they didn't and that's shady as fuck.

Also, during Olivia, Kiana and Emily interview to MTV they were very careful to only show shots of the first movie since the second wasn't even out at that point but they ended up showing a shot that's probably from the third movie that's this one

I would like to point out the "GOODE IS EVIL" on the wall and the wires around the tree, something is definitely going on here and who's gonna try to stop them you may ask and they also show the answer and is this dude

He's not one of the previous henchmen cause they have shown us everyone and he's not a new possessed cause as far as we know "the witch" can only do that one person at a time.

So I think he's the big bad but who is he? Well my first guess would be Nick since I don't thrust him at all but he was wearing his uniform that night and this dude is wearing kind of fancy clothes? So maybe is actually his brother, Mayor Will Goode but something happened to the face of the person wearing the mask cause there's also a lot of blood in his clothes and neck.

I'm also worried sick about Sam cause my baby didn't show up after possession yet and that makes me anxious if she's gonna survive this shit or not, also if Deena sacrifices herself blowing things up with her still in it I'm suing cause I didn't sign up to see them die even if it is a horror movie.

Anyway I'm really excited for the final movie, does anyone have more theories about it? Cause I've been burning up my two remaining brain cells trying to connect the dots

#fear street 1994 #fear street 1666 #fear street #fear street 1978 #deena johnson #sam fraser #nick goode #kiana madeira #olivia welch

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 8/10/21

got a bunch of followers (many of you are Cool Teens, so also a reminder im 26 and an adult and you’re responsible for curating your own internet experience) anyway there’s a bunch of new folks since the last time this was a regular series, so i am going to pre-answer some things that popped up in my inbox last week.

a quick reminder that this is empathetically NOT a recommendations or review blog series. this is a quick snapshot of what i’m thinking about with regards to mass media this week, and sometimes i’m funny about it and sometimes i also do interesting diy shit

a work can be culturally or historically relevant and important in the history of a genre AND be extremely difficult to recommend unless i know you very well due to. hm. let us say many pitfalls due to the inherent nature of the genre or the time it was made in it any number of other factors that make it unpalatable to modern audiences but still worth knowing about. doesthedogdie dot com will be your friend here for anything i talk about ever

being critical of a work doesn’t just mean pointing out its flaws- was it successful in telling the story it wanted to tell? were the techniques it used effective? were the emotions it elicited in me probably the ones the creators set out to elicit? these are key components of a good review and often help me break down what i want to say about a particular piece of media in any given week, but this isn’t a review series of blog posts either.

i am literally just some guy and you should question everything i say

listening i’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair (from the musical South Pacific) brought to you by a random mix of classic movie musicals bc apparently im that kinda gay this week.

like a lot of other fifties media that aged like milk, i have fond memories of watching this with my grandmother. this isn’t even my favorite song from the musical (that would be bali hai’i) but i think it is one of the more technically interesting non-solo ones. specifically, the faint siren-y dissonance on “ahoy, ahoy!” has really been stuck in my head. the melancholy “ah fuck we’ve broken our hearts again” vibe on “rub him out of the roll call/and drum him out of your dreams” with all the girls singing is probably a result of a soprano-heavy cast, but it’s almost chimey in a way? the rhyme scheme of those lines has an excellent mouthfeel. ms gaynor singing “cancel hiiiiiim” has a very different vibe in 2021

two (really three? maybe four? the world is large and mysterious) things can be true at the same time: i don’t think i could watch this musical again as an adult because i don’t think there’s a good way to salvage or update it. the very qualities of this musical that make me go “fuckin yikes” as adult were the very qualities that made my grandmother love it so much. i can hold a bittersweet memory of a rare late movie night with a complicated lady and at the same time wish she were a better person. the dead never leave you with answers.

reading yet another fallow week. this field is turning back into forest

watching i often say “AAA video game (derogatory)” when talking offline about the bad batc/h, but this was a real bioshock ass lookin episode. i don’t think this show is succesful at making or having a point. mostly because it cannot contradict any existing lore in one of the most traversed time periods of this franchise, even with the expanded universe reboot. it falls into the uncomfortable realm of most starred wars media: this is a franchise for children but it also has to cater to legions of grownup fanatics with lots of money. but by god does it “feel” like starred wars. something not all the sequel trilogy movies or much of the clone wars series were successful at.

as a sidebar to that last sentence. the most memorable (imo) scene of the fucking sequel trilogy is the back-to-back battle couple thing in ep seven, which i have just rewatched, and it simply does not hold up. there are too many cuts to other sideplots, which kills any tension dead, and it’s mostly fighting on opposite sides of the room in frantic desperation instead of what i wanted, which was more than five seconds of synergy. it’s a bad rhyme of the final throne room fight in rotj and my memory of the thing is so much better, which is always disappointing.

back to the main point, i think a big part of something “feeling” like starred wars is big setpieces and fights that make you go “HAHA YES FUCKIN SICK WHY NOT!!!!” like, nobody ever Just gets shot in the head and temporarily incapacitated, they get half-vadered by the engines of a derelict ship trying to go to hyperspace while it’s grounded. this franchise has never met a location it couldn’t destroy in a beautiful and awful shower of light while the string sections of three combined orchestras play their hearts out.

this franchise is so fucking stupid and i am so invested in it

playing got my hands on the death trash early access, very hype to play it, have been too busy turning this apartment into a functional and comfortable space to live in for three separate people with their own separate toiletries and groceries and work from home/school schedules

making related to the above, the fucking kitchen table and chairs are done.

things wot i did friday night/saturday morning:

new rubber feeties on everybody

wrapped the legs that structurally couldn’t get new rubber feeties in jute to be kinder to my rental linoleum

bolted the legs back on the table and rebalanced it bc the jute wasn’t quite even

did a very halfassed job of fixing the drawer rails on the table

bolted the chair tubing back together

took all the old decorative tacks out of the backs of the chairs

scrubbed the seats and backs and the pieces the tacks were holding down with mild detergent (partially effective, it still has some patina but is sanitized)

re-covered the bottoms of the chairs in remnant black polyester to replace mildewed black canvas

put in new decorative tacks on the seat backs

bolted the vinyl parts to the chrome tubing parts (a long and frustrating process since there were two sizes of decidedly non-standard nuts and bolts)

wiped everything down again for idk good luck

sitting at my kitchen table in the sun eating a breakfast sandwich and some terrible iced tea on sunday morning was very nice. i lived in the south just long enough to get Opinions on iced tea and how the north can’t get it right. shouldn’t be gritty. shouldn’t be bitter. how is this even happening

some very very halfassed “during” pics

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem #Spotify