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cheegu3 · 11 months

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Hi, I loved your glory based enha fic so much! Please do a part 2 or sequel of it? I want to see why they bully and kiss the mc at same time. Maybe you can make it yandere since you mentioned that it was not?

Honestly I'm new to your blog but love your work so much!

I've gotten many requests like this, so I decided to make a mini series out of it, technically it's my first series to finish so lower ur expectations everyone lol. Thank you so much for reading and supporting my work, welcome & love u !! <3

dc list (all the ppl that requested a pt.2) - @ceeesxy-blog, @roses-and-blue-perennial-salvia, @/anons special thanks to @muminpopz, for giving me the idea to introduce a second character !!

to clarify - my last part was still yandere, that's why they wanted to kiss her, I think I wrote that in my last fic bc it wasn't really mentioned much.

note; I haven't planned the plot 100% so voting will probably be a big part of deciding what happens next, only the first ones to read (24hrs) get to vote but u can still leave your opinions in the comments <3

this is a bit long, I apologize in advance, I am determined to give this an ending now lol

wc; 4.4k

pairing; enha x f.m reader

featuring; yeonjun & soobin (txt)

tw / trigger warning; yandere themes, severe bullying, the glory inspired, scars, mentions of forced kissing, mentions of drinking and smoking, trauma, swearing

pt.1

Enhypen - the glory (PT.2)

The irritating fluorescent lights flickering above made you scrunch your nose and turn on your side. Those damn hospital lights reminded you of those moments you'd spent there a couple of years ago, when your mom needed treatment for her illness. They felt eerie, almost like a weakening heartbeat flickering back at you while you stared at them.

Now here you were, back at the hospital again. Your dad had accidentally spotted the burns, poking out from under your shirt as you raised your arms above your head to put something on a shelf. Wishing you'd been more careful was useless now as you looked at the sleeping form of your dad slumped over the dreary hospital bed.

Your bullies had no idea you were in the hospital, but surely they'd be notified soon enough. There was no way your dad would let this thing go after seeing how badly they left you. He had dried tears on his hollow cheeks that made your heart twist painfully in guilt.

Although it wasn't your fault at all, you didn't want to be a burden to him. He already worked more than his body could handle, constantly stressed with the increasing workload his company gave him.

'' Miss, y/n? ''

You sat up straight at the sound of a nurse. She approached your bed with a sympathetic smile on her face, and you felt bad for her too. She looked young, too young - had you scarred her as well with your injuries? They weren't very nice to look at after all.

'' Yes? '' you whispered, eyes fleeting briefly to your dad sleeping to let the nurse know not to wake him up.

'' We've administered some soothing cream and medicine in case the pain gets too unbearable. If you wish, you may go home now. ''

You nodded. '' Thank you. ''

You reached out your hand and gently pat your dad. He grunted and slowly got up, stretching his sore neck as he slowly started waking up. He looked at you questioningly instead of asking what was wrong.

'' They said I could go home. ''

He sighed, maybe a bit louder than he had intended to because a look of regret flashed across his face, hurriedly he assured you, '' I wasn't worried about the bills, honey. ''

You knew he was but you didn't say anything. The promise of your warm, comfortable bed waiting at home was enough for you to stay quiet, even during the whole ride home.

Hearing the additional quiet sighs of your exhausted dad behind you when you hurried to your bedroom, made another pang of guilt hit you. But this time you ignored it too - another more important thought was filling up your mind now.

What would happen at school tomorrow?

You slipped under the heated covers and as a result of the long day, you fell asleep almost as soon as your head hit the pillow.

*******

You were one of the earliest students to arrive this time. Taking your designated spot at the back of the class, your head naturally fell into your arms as you yawned off the morning grogginess.

Before you left that morning, your dad had given you a smile and told you that, ' If those punks give you trouble again, call me '. But he had said so while balancing both his files and a cup of nearly spilled coffee, along with a laptop tucked under his arm. You'd seen him for maybe a few minutes before he disappeared off to work again.

You smiled a bit melancholically, knowing that if trouble did arise you wouldn't call him. Hopefully you wouldn't have a reason to do so anyway; maybe they'd be more gentle with you since they gave you such a harsh punishment last time.

The bell rang, startling you and making you raise your head. The class was pretty much full now. By instinct your eyes dart to where they always sat. Surprisingly, they were all in their seats but didn't seem to be paying you too much attention.

A few of them looked sleepy, slumped over their desks like you had been just a minute ago. The others had dark circles under their eyes and stared blankly towards the blackboard.

Rough night? They almost looked like they'd been out partying. You scoffed. It wouldn't shock you if they had; they sometimes smelled of smoke as they'd kiss you in the gym, so you wouldn't put it past them to drink during a school night too.

'' Good morning, class! '' the teacher's cheerful voice cut through the room.

The tired students responded back but in a much less bright tone.

'' We have a new student today. A transfer from Ansan. ''

The murmur from the usual chatty students stopped, and it became dead quiet. Just then the classroom door slid open and a tall, very good-looking guy crouched to get in.

'' This is Soobin, please introduce yourself. '' the teacher smiled.

'' Hi everyone, I'm Soobin. Nice to meet you. '' he said solemnly.

He sounded a bit shy and he didn't keep eye-contact with the students for long, eyes dashing anxiously from person to person while he clasped his hands together.

When his eyes landed on you, you smiled politely. Based on first impressions alone, it was clear as day to anyone that this guy didn't seem like a bully, so you wanted to be nice to him.

It's not easy being new, you knew that very well when you had to transfer during the second part of the first year. Back then, there weren't any people like you that would want to take care of the newcomer, like you wanted to take care of Soobin - and that's how you became their target. You couldn't let that happen to this guy.

'' You can take the seat next to y/n, that one in the back. '' you heard the teacher say.

You smiled again, that would certainly make things a bit easier as he would be sitting closer to you than your bullies. The part where you actually had to try to become friends was harder. You couldn't remember the last time you had a friend.

Soobin cautiously walked over to his seat, keeping his eyes down the whole time. He looked even taller up close, and he barely fit in his seat which made you snort quietly to yourself.

The teacher turned her back and started writing on the board as the murmur returned again. You fiddled nervously with your fingers before finally turning your head to him, determination shining in your eyes.

He must've seen you do so in his peripheral vision because he looked at you too, his bunny-like eyes growing twice its size.

'' Hi, I'm y/n. ''

'' Yeah, she...uh said so. '' he gestured to the teacher and then seemed to cringe at himself.

You let out a light laugh, maybe you were both equally awkward.

'' I guess she did. '' you gave him a genuine smile, one that reached your eyes. It had been a long time since you'd smiled in that way.

'' I'm Soobin. '' he seemed to relax when he saw your smile, a small one played on his own lips as he observed you timidly.

'' I know, she said that. '' you teased back.

He chuckled and you thought you saw him blush before he turned to pick up his notebooks from his backpack. You did the same, starting to copy the material from the board.

'' Hey, is it- okay if I eat lunch with you later? I know it's a weird thing to ask, but I don't really have anyone. '' he quickly rambled after you had been taking notes for some time.

'' I mean, you don't have to say yes if you already have someone you're eating with I just thought I'd ask. ''

A shy pout formed on his lips, seemingly indicating that he felt that he had embarrassed himself again. But you found it cute.

'' No, that sounds perfect. I don't really have any friends either. '' you admitted.

'' Oh. ''

'' It's okay. '' you laughed.

And then the two of you continued studying, while the sweet promise of having someone to finally eat lunch with was circling inside your mind.

*******

When the bell rang, you quickly packed up your things and waited for Soobin outside. You were slightly scared that if you were one of the last ones to leave, then your bullies would catch you red-handed and see your newfound friendship, prompting them to do something to the new student.

Soobin looked happy walking by your side, completely oblivious to all the stares and whispers that followed the two of you. He was even humming something, moving his head slightly all the way through the queue in the cafeteria to the walk to your table.

You chose one that was out of sight from the entrance, just in case they'd eat today. They often didn't - being from snobby rich families and all, they were grossed out by the cafeteria food and would usually drive home during lunch or go out to a restaurant together.

Someone must've told them about you and Soobin however, because you suddenly heard the table next to you gasp and gossip.

'' Why are they eating here today? ''

One of the girls glanced towards you, and when the others noticed, they all looked at you. Soobin looked confused, he stopped midway with his mouth open and his chopsticks carrying the food dropped it clumsily.

They giggled at him. But you couldn't even find humour in something like that when you had a bad feeling in your stomach. They were probably right when they looked at you as the answer to their question.

But why? Why would this make them angry? What would they do to Soobin now?

'' Hey, y/n. ''

You raised your head cautiously, dreading to see them. The fact that they seemed so out of it during the lesson shouldn't have made you feel so confident that it meant they'd avoid you all day.

Jake was the one who stood slightly in front of the group, the others gave threatening glares to students that looked like they wanted to intervene, making them hurriedly scurry away.

'' Yes? '' you couldn't hide the irritation in your voice.

'' What do you think you're doing? '' Jake cocked an eyebrow and then his attention was caught Soobin who was peacefully eating.

Your bullies seemed to assess him from head to toe which made the poor new student look very uncomfortable, causing him to squirm in his seat and clear his throat.

'' Eating lunch? '' you snarkily respond and then attempt to go back to eating while ignoring them.

You heard a scoff.

'' Did we say you could do that? '' Jay sneered, looking down at you.

Your cheeks started heating up and you turned your head as it started to show. The whole thing being done in front of Soobin made it feel ten times worse. Had you now lost a potential friend because they wanted to embarrass you like this on his first day?

You were about to respond but were interrupted by them all abruptly moving to squeeze in next to you and Soobin. The two of you exchanged confused looks.

'' We just wanted to join, can we not do that? '' Sunghoon winks to the flustered new student, who nods hesitantly.

But your lack of answer didn't satisfy them. Heeseung who sat closest to you, rested his hand on your exposed thigh as his eyes held a non-spoken warning in them.

'' Of course. '' you respond flatly, earning a satisfied grin from him.

It felt like you were holding your breath all throughout that excruciatingly long lunch. They'd never eaten with you before and it became clear quite quickly that the reason they did so today wasn't because of you - but, because of Soobin.

All throughout, their focus was on him and not you. It made you feel uneasy, like they had something up their sleeves. The new student was asked questions enthusiastically, which he answered happily as he slowly got out of his shell more and more. But you noticed the looks and the smirks they shared when he wasn't looking. Problem was that any time you'd try to warn Soobin, that hand would return back to your thigh. Heeseung didn't need to say anything, you knew not to test it. Still you hoped you'd have the chance to warn him later.

The reason why was because the way they treated Soobin on his first day made you get a horrible sense of deja-vu. In an instant you were transported back in time to your very own first day.

*******

You overheard girls talking in the halls while waiting for the teacher outside the classroom; about some guy they had hooked up with.

'' Are you fucking stupid? '' one of the girls sudden aggressive outburst made you perk your ears up without meaning to.

You didn't exactly have anything else to occupy your bored mind with while waiting anyway, so you eavesdropped a little.

'' Lee Heeseung? You hooked up with the Lee Heeseung? ''

Shifting your weight and turning over while pressed against the wall, you tried to get a good look at the poor girl who seemed to have gotten taken advantage of.

'' He's a known fuckboy and player. '' the angry one continued.

The girl you assumed was the topic of conversation shrugged, but she had a slight sad frown on her face.

'' I thought that...maybe I could change him. ''

The two others girls erupted into shrill laughter. You couldn't help but feel some sympathy for her despite her bad decisions. The teacher interrupted just as you were about to ask them about the guy, so you could avoid him.

'' Y/n? Are you ready? ''

You grimaced and nodded, giving one last look at the girl before following the teacher into the classroom.

Immediately a small pang of panic hit you. It wasn't empty like you'd expected, in fact - pretty much every single chair was filled with a student.

'' Good morning, class! '' the teacher's cheerful voice brought you back to reality.

You just had to introduce yourself and then the danger was over. You could spend the rest of the day glued to your desk, not talking to anyone and when lunchtime would hit, the convenience store across the school was your best bet.

'' We have a new student today. A transfer from Seongnam. ''

'' This is y/n, please introduce yourself. ''

You looked at the teacher, slight panic evident in your eyes. Clearing your throat you stepped forward a few steps.

'' Hi everyone, I'm y/n. Nice to meet you. ''

Your anxiety slowly started dissapating when a few students answered back politely and you released a breath you didn't know you'd been holding in.

'' You can take the seat next to Heeseung, that one in the back. '' you heard the teacher say, she was gesturing towards the back right of the classroom where a bunch of guys were huddled over one table, too busy talking to register what the teacher had said.

You obediently walked over there and tried not to make a scene when you put your things on the chair that was closest to the table they were all gathered around.

To your dismay, the owner of the popular table had noticed you in the corner of his eye. He quickly waved everyone away and then focused his attention on you.

It was very hard to ignore.

'' Hey, sweetheart. ''

No matter how hard you fought back to not show any reaction, your face scowled at the sound of his nickname, earning an abrupt laugh from one of the boys.

You were sure this meant bad news for you, a guy like that wouldn't want to be humiliated in front of his whole friend-group, so you quickly gave him a sheepish smile.

'' Yes? ''

Your innocent tone made his eyes narrow as more of the boys laughed. The longer you kept eye-contact, the more you felt him openly glare with something you couldn't quite explain glinting in his brown gaze.

Before he could embarrass himself in front of his friends further, he stood up so suddenly that the chair underneath made a loud screeching noise. To you surprise, everyone minded their business which was very different from your last school where everyone was nosy and the sound would've immediately made people whip their heads around in curiosity.

He dragged the chair as close as he could to next to yours, so close that the material was slightly pushing into your bare thigh.

Your eyebrows knit together as you watched him sit down. It was way too close for your comfort; you could even smell his cologne and the fact that it was so obvious it was an expensive one made you immediately annoyed.

He leaned in now, being just a few inches above your ear and most likely shielding you from his friends.

'' Do you know who I am? ''

Your loud scoff for answer seemed to enrage him even more. His much larger hand found your wrist and easily trapped it in a painful grip.

'' No, sorry. '' you hurriedly answer, feeling a lot less brave now, your wrist was already starting to hurt.

'' I'm Heeseung, remember that. ''

In your scared state, your head seemed to move on its own, rapidly nodding obediently. A victorious smirk appeared on his face before he finally retreated, dragging the chair behind him back to the group.

You dreaded the sound of the bell ringing. Predicting that he'd be standing right outside the classroom waiting for you with his friends. It was a long shot, but you tried taking the other door.

'' Hee? ''

You gasped, bumping into a taller male's chest. When you backed away and looked up, you cursed under your breath - it was one of his friends.

It seemed that they had thought of the possibility of you attempting to flee. The thought made your cheeks turn red.

Heeseung joined his friends who'd been guarding the door you tried to escape out of. Looking down at you very arrogantly, as if he could read your face and your thoughts, knowing you were flustered.

'' Did you try to run away? '' he snickered, putting his hands in his pockets and tilting his head at you.

It had the effect you were sure he wanted, you felt mocked and avoided his eyes.

'' Sorry. ''

He hummed before you felt his fingers wrap around your wrist again.

'' Let's go. ''

You went with them without protesting. Although you feared where they were taking you, you feared speaking and potentially getting on their nerves because of it, way more.

They were quiet the whole way, which seemed to never end. You passed by many classrooms, the cafeteria and walked down the loneliest and darkest corridor; yet they only spoke when the ones in front of the group seemed to come to a halt in front of a double door.

'' Open it. '' you heard one of the ones behind you say.

The tallest of the group, who was in front, unlocked it instantly and the lock fell to the floor in a loud thump. He pushed it open all the way, revealing a very large gymnast hall.

'' Why did you take me here? ''

It had become quite clear very fast that these people weren't someone you should mess with, and they were pretty high up on the school's hierarchy judging by the way no one interfered; instead pretending like they didn't see you pass by.

You made a quick guess that whenever they needed something, like the perfect place to do something bad to someone without others hearing - they were given it in one way or another. Maybe some poor student had been forced to get the keys from the teacher just to satisfy them.

'' Go sit over there. ''

Your head follow the voice. It was a pretty tall guy who was undeniably very handsome, from his silver hair and defined eyebrows to his deep voice, everything about him was pretty attractive.

It made you wonder what he wanted with you.

You didn't ponder on that thought long however, moving in a haste again to make sure they didn't get angry. Jumping up on the plinth he had pointed at, you watched nervously as they all approached the stairs leading up to a stage that your back was facing.

Without them needing to tell you to, you automatically turned around just in time for them to form a half-mood around you. Trying to read their faces was very difficult as they all looked at Heeseung who was sitting straight across from you, staring right back.

'' Why did you take me here? '' you try to ask again.

'' Well...I- we like you '' he answered simply, shrugging like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

'' What? '' you say dumbfoundedly.

'' I was trying to hit on you earlier, I don't know if you noticed. '' Heeseung bit down hard on his lip to stop himself from smiling.

'' But being nice didn't really work on you, did it? ''

'' We realised that with you, we need to use more extreme methods. '' a new voice said, one of the ones that hadn't said a word to you yet, who had strawberry blond hair and a soft voice.

'' Wh-What do you mean by that? '' your eyebrows knit together as your eyes darted anxiously between the two closest to you, being prepared to run if you had to.

'' I'm Sunghoon. '' the silver haired-boy said, ignoring your question.

'' I'm Jake. '' said the guy next to him.

Your gaze naturally averted to him. He looked like an innocent puppy, you wondered why he was friends with people like Heeseung. But when your eyes locked, he winked at you and you got your answer, face quickly turning into a grimace of disgust.

'' I'm Ni-ki. '' the tallest one said.

'' I'm Sunoo. '' the gentle one said, catching you off-guard when he flashed a big friendly grin.

'' Jungwon. '' the one closest to you on the other side said grumpily, not even bothering to look at you while saying it.

His red hair that seemed to be fading, was a perfect match to his personality, the whole time he looked like he was in a sour mood.

'' I'm Jay. '' the one furthest from you said.

He looked like a pretty scary guy, dark hair that was cut in a way that framed his sharp features.

'' That's everyone. Don't forget their names, okay? '' Heeseung spoke up last, tilting his head while smiling slightly at you.

Your voice didn't seem to work, you felt frozen in your spot, like you were glued to the plinth underneath you.

'' Can you not speak? ''

You saw anger flash across his face which only made your panic worse, but you couldn't get a single word out despite it, only a string of stutters and incomprehensible words left your mouth.

'' Do you want me to help you? ''

Not even registering that he had gotten up from his seat, you were taken by surprise when his rough hands grabbed either side of your face as his lips devoured you.

You tried to scream or turn your head so he couldn't have access to your mouth, but it was to no avail. Eventually your hands fell limp. All you could do was pray that it would end quickly, while your whines of protest were muffled by his hungry lips.

When he pulled away, he had a cocky smile on his face.

'' Get used to this. '' were his last words you heard before they left, forever engrained in your mind.

And that was how it started. No matter how much it happened, which was pretty much every other day after school at this point - it still didn't get easier, your clothes always got stained with tears. Their voices didn't help calm you down when you'd see the obvious desire in their eyes. They were like a hungry pack of wolves, just waiting for their turn with the prey

*******

The school bell rang after about half an hour, instantly snapping you out of your daydream. Your bullies said their goodbyes and then left, with one last look at you. But you shrugged it off and immediately leaned over the table to talk to Soobin.

'' Don't trust them, please! They might be all nice and sound like they actually want to be your friend but they're horrible bullies and- '' you hesitated before pulling up your sleeve to reveal the marks they'd left on you. '' They did this to me! Trust me...they're not good people. ''

Soobin's eyed widened in horror and his hand slightly twitched, as if he was either holding back the urge to clench his fist in anger, or resisting the urge to reach out and gently touch your wounds.

'' I'm sorry. '' was all he said after some time of silence.

You smiled a bit apologetically, pulling down the sleeve again. He seemed sweet and you didn't want to cause him distress for no reason, it just felt a lot more impactful if you showed him to make him believe you.

'' It's okay, I'm sure you didn't know. They're quite charming at first, that's how they get you. ''

'' I'm a bit offended that you thought I fell for it though. '' Soobin snickered.

'' What? ''

'' You think I believed all that bullshit, right after they spoke to you very passive-aggressively and basically shot daggers my way? ''

'' Uh...well, yeah? ''

He laughed heartily and stood up, you following as he threw the trash off his tray away.

'' That actually makes me feel a bit better. '' you mumblingly confess.

The pair of you walked together to class and spent the next few lessons and breaks together as well, surprisingly unbothered by your bullies this time since you were with someone for the first time in a long time.

At the end of the day when the bell rang, Soobin asked to hang out. He said he wanted to introduce you to his older brother and said he had something to talk about. You reluctantly agreed, but were on guard the whole taxi ride to his house since he was still a stranger.

His house was pretty big, located close to where the richest families in the country lived. He however claimed he wasn't rich; that it was his step-father that was pretty well off, but they didn't have a good relationship so he didn't spoil him.

'' Who are you? ''

You stared at the older male leaning against his desk. His eyes narrowed as they bore into you. Then they shifted to his younger brother who immediately straightened up.

'' It's my new friend, y/n. ''

'' Okay? ''

'' Yeonjun, please be a bit nicer. She needs our help. '' Soobin begged.

A puzzled expression overtook your face as you tugged on his sleeve.

'' What do you mean? ''

'' I will help you take them down. '' he said, a smirk slowly creeping up on his lips. '' Every, single one of them. ''

#yandere kpop #kpop yandere #yandere enha #yandere enhypen #enha x reader #kpop imagines #enha the glory

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billyjoecobra · 3 months

Text

JOSEPH JOESTAR CHARACTER ANALYSIS (1)

I never see anyone talk or analyze Joseph very often in the fandom, which is tragic because i believe he's very complex!! So here's some thoughts to chew on, rattle around in your head a bit. It's all under the cut, and it is LONG AS HELL because i have a LOT to say on him!!! Warning though, it's not super properly punctuated as these are discord rambles of mine, but -- enjoy nonetheless!!

i think it's super interesting to note how every time someone puts joseph down, or does something shitty to him, he just doesn't care. not a single bit. he even says it's fine, maybe even deserved sometimes. he assumes people always thinks the worst of him, and yet doesn't really care aside from the one time he dressed in drag and got insulted about it. even then he was just kind of, "man. i looked hot though.." however every time someone even remotely upsets his friends or hurts those who don't deserve it or his family he goes. ABSOLUTELY APESHIT. he will get SO fighty.

he will immediately throw hands and hurt you physically without thinking about it he likes to put assholes in their place sometimes (i.e. the taxi driver, the nazis who insulted him. and any nazi really ) but that is different than really caring about what they say to him. i think he has a very strong moral code, though people tend to see him as quite dubious because of his loud and obnoxious behavior every consequence to his actions, he only worries what others close to him will think and he can easily be driven to a blind rage revenge if you dare to hurt his family in any way. because you DONT fuck with his family. family is the no. 1 thing he cares about

beating up racist cops? he only feels bad because he doesn't want to stress out erina with the thought of bailing him out. told speedwagon is dead? he's upset, but he keeps his cool and throws a punch at the guy for upsetting erina, and worries more about her comfort than his own. guys hijacking a plane and holding him hostage? he couldnt care less if he was the hostage, he only cared enough to stop it because it might risk getting speedwagon hurt. and it goes on

and for the sake of his family he keeps purposefully trying to risk himself to death repeatedly. when fighting kars lets not forget when he shot kars into space and his thoughts were about how he was ok with dying if it meant his family was safe i think . and i said this before this is just me getting my thoughts out way more eloquently with points i've already touched on before. but.

in a non emo way, it's really hit me how he isn't like. beat up about it. about assuming ppl always think the worst of him. he cares way more about others than himself type of guy thats like similar to "they're friendly but after awhile of their support and talking to them you realize to your horror you dont actually know anything about them at all" other than he's like. bold and brash and likes to start fights sometimes oh and lest we forget he also tends to take the death of loved ones so hard to the point that no matter the circumstances true causes he always blames himself.

he always blames himself and gets a bit. ummmmm i wouldn't say suicidal but like way too risky with his life and stops really caring if he'll die. he's just so used to nobody ever understanding him and his "off kilter" tbh neurodivergent way of thinking and living that he. like. he doesn't exactly have great self image beyond thinking he has sexy lips which sounds so silly but it's true and again it's not something he dwells on it's just kind of, A Fact to him. and this isn't even touching on the slew of issues i'm sure speedwagon's constant comparing of him to his dead grandfather must have caused.

It's very evident to me that he has ALWAYS felt like a burden to some degree i think. even when erina and speed havent really treated him as such. This is why I think his dynamic with speedwagon would be pretty strained / already seems as such -- bc. As I said before, he's ALWAYS comparing him to jonathan, even when he was just a kid.

NOW BY ALL MEANS!! I DO NOT THINK speedwagon means any ill will. it's just something that he just keeps.. doing because. well he respected jonathan so much, and it kind of clouds how he sees joseph because -- well, joseph is the SPITTING IMAGE of him. But not intending harm does not mean he hasn't caused any by doing that -- comparison can WRECK you pretty bad. joseph has made it clear that he knows he's nothing like jonathan in any regards except looks and i think it kind of contributes to his overall. tanked self image. and also the fact that he's a reminder of the tragedy of losing his parents ( or so they thought for a while. yk )

he deeply cares for him still, this much is true. he always will. but, it doesn't negate the serious comparison issue, constantly being told "WOW you have an attitude not at ALL like your grandpa, he would have never done x!! how do you look like him while being such an angry kid!!"

..... said without real malice or really bad intention, more out of exasperation. but. those kinds of things stick with kids. yknow? Joseph's always bottled up his emotions and tried to be on his best behavior for erina's sake. hes always a little more open with speedwagon. but .............. BWGHGURUGURGGH!!!!!!! i could go on for hours about it ok. but i shall move on to my next point now.

what sucks about it though is that the fandom tends to gloss over these bit of characterization at every turn. there is a lot of sadness and concerning things surrounding joseph that he just simply SHRUGS OFF about that it's kinda concerning! not that he'd ever really see a problem with it.

the fact that he was prepared to die / did the bet if only to distract them long enough to let caesar and speedwagon get away... you COULD maybe read it as a little bit of self preservation but given how he handles literally all other instances of him possibly dying., and the circumstances of him leading whammuu away being to SAVE those two. I think it yet again falls in line with "who gaf if i die i care if THEY die". then he gets stressed about the time he has left. which i imagine would stress ANYONE honestly. but . part of me thinks that it's also because this means that he has a short time to make sure he can be strong enough to protect everyone he loves and cares for..

that isn't ALL there is, of course. but i feel like with his behavior that is probably a big reason of it. You can summarize it all with one sentence; essentially,

joseph isn't afraid of death, nor dying himself; he's afraid of his loved ones dying.

This fact is extremely present in everything he does and says, but especially so when Caesar's death hits. THAT, however, i will make it's own post on. I have a lot to say on that and how it fucked him up for life. For now, though, I will move on and touch on another topic.

for all the loud opinions joseph seems to also speak none of it is ever really looked into much deeper as anything more than " he's just being joseph again" and he never really elaborates on it either, hence why a lot of people don't know much about him. While he is schrodinger's himbo -- too stupid to be smart, too smart to be stupid -- it's clearly all an act to get people to lower their expectations of him. He doesn't like being taken as a joke though. that he is a hater of for sure so. Joseph hides his true self behind a mask of idiocy and lackadaisical attitude to the point where it's blended into his actual truest self and he can hardly tell what's real and what's the mask. But at the same time, Joseph gets very angry when nobody takes him seriously because of his facade and trying to make everyone lower their expectations of him so he can pull the rug out from under them.

He's so mad when people don't take him serious but then continues to act pretty unserious and it's like. Well if you want them to take you more seriously bro you should stop doing that. Stop lowering others expectations so you can kick their asses or have a general upper hand just in case ( but he won't 💖)

he is a bit of a polarizing character but i hate when fandom reduces him to just "funny goofster" or ""cheater"", or writes him off as annoying with no depth to him. To judge Joseph through a lense of solely good or solely bad is a terrible idea; that man is gray moraled as HELL, he has a strong sense of self justice while also being incredibly underhanded and sneaky. If you dislike him, that's fine -- but don't discount his complexity just cause of that!!! He's not puddle deep, there's a lot of facets to how truly fucked up he is.

yeah. he is goofy, and he's a cheater at many things. but there's a lot to him. HE'S COMPLEX!!!!

#joseph joestar #🐍 txt #i have. a lot of feelings about him ok?#also part of this is old ass posts from my discord but i think tumblr should see it too

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t-lostinworlds · 6 months

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hello! gosh, i honestly have no idea what else to do anymore. i've been such a huge ball of anxiety these pass few days and i feel like i've got no other choice ://

so, enrollment for the next semester is this Monday (in 4 days), and idk why my school decided to do it during this time when most ppl don't get paid until the last day of the month/next month. as if that isn't enough, enrollments are also on a time limit and now that we get to decide our own schedules, it's also a race on who gets the subjects first. and if you can't pay for a percentage of the tuition fee upfront, you're going to get delisted so you have to pick your subjects again. the later you enroll, the fewer timeslots. so i could end up having a 6-9pm which isn't safe for me in this city especially when i commute alone. even worse, our tuition for this semester is much higher for some reason and we weren't warned about it.

i can't ask for financial aid from my school yet bc it's required to have at least finished 1 year before you're able to. i'm still trying to look for student/personal loan options bc most i've seen so far require a monthly that i just can't afford rn and it only covers 1 term instead of a whole year so it's not really that sustainable :(( (i don't live in the US btw so it's not a "start paying when you graduate" thing. taking out a loan means i still need to pay monthly while in school on top of other expenses, which as you can imagine, feels more like a burden than it is helpful.) i've also tried looking for scholarships but most only support stem/business courses bc this country isn't nice to artists so that sucks.

i honestly have very little money saved and with the sudden increase in tuition, it's hard to cover half of it even with my parents' help. and again, nobody is getting paid until next month so money is already tight as is with it being the end of th month.

so long story short, i need some help. the first installment for the fee (converted from my currency) is about $600. BUT. NO PRESSURE. i'm only asking those who have extra to spare. and any and all amounts are welcome. it's already going to be such a huge help. hell, even just a simple reblog to boost this already helps a ton.

but also, my commissions are open! so if u want to have a lil story in exchange for just a tiny bit of help, that'd be great too <3

here's my kofi and my pypl

again, no pressure! even a smallest amount already helps a lot. and also, pls do reblog to boost. i really appreciate you! i hope you're having a wonderful day <3 don't forget to take care of yourself too. sending you wonderful people love always ❤️

tagging some mutuals under the cut for a boost bc sometimes this doesn't show up in the tags anymore (but also you don't have too!! you can ignore this if u want alskalks)

@selfcarecap @hollandsmoose @shellshocklove @tanaka-drew @agaritas @userholland @thecodyexpress @annab-nana @hollandweather @annathesillyfriend @cumholland @jasntodds @quethekillerqueen @worldoftom (ily guys, i hope you're all safe and well ❤️)

#financial help #mutual aid #financial aid #donation post #signal boosts #signal boost #gosh i really do get nervous doing this #my classmates tried to ask for like #a promissory note #asking to pay at a later date #but they won't budge :///#i've honestly exhausted my resources #i've also emailed them asking if i could just pay even a tiny bit of it #like leave a balance #they still haven't responded #idk what to do anymore ://#ramblings

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murmurmurl · 4 months

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hiii pjsk oc ramble again :3

(this is super all over the place btw)

I feel like I should be developing Toshiro more, since he's the unit leader but I haven't come up with that much stuff about them compared to the others. BUT. I'm thinking about Seina. In the relationship thingy I mentioned that she works part-time at a café. I think it'd be funny if it's a café Ena and Akito go to somewhat regularly. then I'd have to change some stuff up though, because it wouldn't be just "met them once". Maybe I'd even make her friends with Ena. I did say I'll change a lot of stuff lol

Seina is very collected and pretty much knows how to deal with ppl, so I think she's pretty good at handling customers. It's still tiring for her though, more than you might expect, actually.

I think she deserves a break ngl (I say after being the one to make her need a break in the first place but uhm anyways)

I've also been thinking about their siblings... Seina and Toshiro both have siblings, actually. I haven't figured out their sibling dynamics as much yet. Like, I keep going back and forth on Seina's sibling especially, whether to make them older or younger. Because I have both options thought out, how they would have affected the relationship and in what way they contributed to how Seina acts. I know I'm gonna project with the sibling thing a lot, but uh. That's what OCs are for..? Kinda??? I guess?????

Fumi and Matsu are only children in their families, but I think with how they act with each other and their past connection, they act a little like siblings. I've also been thinking more about the period where Fumi wasn't as strong-willed and couldn't help or stand up for Matsu when he was bullied. Around that time, they had a bit of a falling out due to Fumi blaming herself too much and ending up isolating herself. They interact again for the first time since then already when the unit's story starts. Its awkward at first, and despite all this time working on being the best she could be to make sure nothing like that ever happens again, Fumi still blames themself and ends up avoiding Matsu at all costs. I can't say that he NEVER blamed her... of course, at first, back then, he felt hurt because no one would help, and when he needed his best friend more than ever, she ended up practically abandoning him. There is a little bit of that.. bitterness (??) left to this day, but overall, he doesn't really put them at fault. Fumi is extremely harsh on herself – that's actually something all of them have to a degree. Toshiro wanting to improve, be better at everything, be reliable because of his family problems, he wants to prove a certain person wrong. I now realize that this might sound kinda like the Shinonome dad situation, but it's still different. Seina blames herself terribly for accidentally hurting a dear friend in the past, she thinks of herself as unworthy of being forgiven and cared for, and tries her best caring for everyone around herself instead, devoting it so much time and effort that it leaves her exhausted and even puts a distance between her and the people she loves because she doesn't want to bother them with any of her personal struggles, even thoughts, she doesn't want to be a burden and upset them by having feelings. Fumi's case I already described here. With Matsu... I feel like it's less present in him, but it's still there. He tends to put a lot of pressure on himself about being good enough to be loved. Also because of stuff in the past, partially because of the bullying, partially because of how he as a child perceived Fumi distancing herself from him. He tries really hard to fit into the expectations others have of him, as well as be as independent as possible.

Of course, during the course of their story/ies I want to work through all of that. I think that coming to terms with things and starting to heal would take the longest for Seina. In part because she doesn't let anyone worry about herself as best she can.

ANYWAYS. Uhm. Stop the angst yapping, please, okay, thank you.

I like thinking through the sad and struggling parts of their characters, but I don't want to stop focusing on how they support each other and how much they care about each other. I also think I focused a little too much on their personalities and less so on the. Other necessary stuff... I've started thinking about their SEKAI. I think it should be something nostalgic in a way? With how much their stories seem to be dealing with the past so far, it'd make sense. I have a few ideas maybe, but I still need to flesh them out to even choose hehe

#insanity #project sekai #pjsk #colorful stage #prsk #oc #pjsk oc #project sekai oc #toshiro hasegawa #matsu kimura #fumi hatanaka #seina amari #i gave them their own tags yippeee #Helianthus♡Light!

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crimeronan · 11 months

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I feel like I would consider myself polyamory agnostic in a way, like I would maybe like for it to happen but I often fear that I don't have the ability to manage even one partnership, let alone multiple relationships, since I am often. So tired. I often find myself idealizing the "late" stage of a relationship when everyone already has settled into what to expect of each other and knows not to take it personally if someone falls asleep mid movie, for example. All this to say, how do you handle your relationship structure as a disabled/chronically ill person? Do you have any advice/thoughts on how it works for you? (I feel like perhaps you have posted about this before and I am just forgetting...)

oh this is a really good question! i'm not sure how relevant my life experience will be to you, particularly given that i started dating all three of my current partners before becoming disabled/crippled. but i am happy to share!

first off -- i 100% get romanticizing the late stage of relationships, sometimes you just need things to be chill and flexible. but i also don't think that this stage necessarily Needs to be reserved for Late Relationships?

like.... the older i get, the more upfront i've decided to be about my needs, especially with new people. granted, a lot of the people i meet these days are either disabled themselves or Get It -- my social circle is mostly queer spoonies in their 20s and 30s + much much older retirees that i hang out with at the local pool.

some people prefer not to be so open so quickly about their limitations, it is hard and scary to be visibly disabled, harder still to ask for help & admit that you might be inconvenient / a burden / take up extra space. this USED to be me until i said. eh. fuck it. after a certain point, wounded pride is just a mental construct

basically, like. when i'm online these days, you'll see me be clear about my limits with strangers - i'll say that if i stop replying to chats or asks, it's not bc i hate you, it's bc i'm tired or forgetful. that i can't guarantee responses to ppl, even people i'm already friendly with. that if my mood is bad or my pain levels are high, i won't engage in much social interaction at All. that my capabilities fluctuate wildly depending on the day and that i cannot be relied upon for consistent scheduling or posting or creative output

i'm similarly open with people irl. it helps that i'm often using mobility aids when i'm talking to people. the mobility aids sorta strip the possibility of pretending not to be disabled. it's kinda the elephant in the room. but it means that i can be like, "as you can see, i am very crippled. i may need flexibility with any plans that we make. due to being very crippled."

if people get upset by this or simply don't have the capacity to deal with it, that is fine! that's not either of our faults, no one's done anything wrong, we're just not in the right circumstances to mesh. i don't get hurt by that personally. i've honestly found that it saves SO much time and hassle and potential drama/heartache to set expectations right away. the only other option is to exhaust myself and end up failing to meet expectations regardless and losing the friendship after burning up a bunch of energy and social bridges. painful and bad!

so like... i can meet a new person, and if they're cool with My Whole Deal, then there's no waiting period before we're familiar enough for flaky behavior. i can be like, "i'm not sure i'll be able to walk tonight, is there a place to sit down at the event?" or "i'm flaring a little, is it okay for us to be kinda flexible about tomorrow's schedule?" or "hey, i'll get back to you as soon as possible i promise, i'm just fogged TO SHIT today [peace sign]" from day 1. it's great

i'm not saying that you Have to do this; i am aware that it breaches like seventeen laws of general social etiquette. i'm just saying that i have met many people who are totally chill about this! as long as you're chill and respectful of the other person as well, you can do whatever you want forever

that was not even relevant to the initial ask, so. AS FOR MY PARTNERS.

i actually don't find that my illness makes it harder to navigate my relationships at all. like i mentioned, i've been with all three partners for Many Many Years now. we know each other Extremely well, we're all extremely turbo autistic, we all have blunt communication down to a science. so saying "i'm not up for doing [x thing] tonight, can we take a rain check?" is super easy.

in fact, my partners can basically intuit a flare from just my physical movements and tone of voice, even before i say a single word. we are VERY familiar with each other.

.....and, alright. after fighting the urge to longpost i've decided to put the rest under a cut. YOU'RE WELCOME 4 THE RETURN OF YOUR DASHBOARDS. "why didnt you put it under a cut so much earlier" read my posts boy

anyway. click readmore to hear me expand upon just how fucking incredible and awesome and kind and generous and loving my People are

there ARE some ways that the illness has made it more difficult for ME to be the kind of partner that i want to be -- for example, i often lack the energy to provide proper emotional support during stressful situations, i have a shorter threshold for pain/irritation than i used to, i can't give 100% of my energy anymore and there have been times when that has resulted in hurt feelings in my partners.

(there have been far more times, though, when nobody's feelings are hurt and it's literally fine.)

in every case where feelings DID get hurt, we've talked stuff out and fixed it within like an hour. bc we all trust each other and know that we don't WANT to hurt each other's feelings. i never ever Ever say things with the intention of wounding my partners, and they know that. they never say things with the intention of wounding me, either, which is why our very blunt "hey, you need to change something you're doing" convos go so well. there's no need to tiptoe, it doesn't hurt me to know what they're thinking or feeling or needing.

sometimes things are just hard and shitty and we're all doing the best we can. this is just part of adulthood i think. especially adulthood in late stage capitalism, etc. the Biggest key to my polycule is that we are all much happier as a family than we would be without each other. the relationships are about as wholesome and healthy and non-toxic and openly communicative as they can get

the Other key aspect when dealing with my illness is that.... being polyamorous has actually been... SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER than being 1) alone, OR 2) in a monogamous relationship EVER WOULD BE?

it is Extremely Stressful for my family to deal with me being this sick. i am aware of that. but i haven't had to bear the brunt of it. not only do they support me, but they also all communicate with and support each other. so no one person is bearing the entire weight of the stress or pain or fear. and i don't have to comfort people over my own symptoms, which most disabled ppl i think would agree is.... exhausting

when i'm too fucked up to speak aloud, let alone support my partners the way i usually do, they ALWAYS have EACH OTHER as a safety net.

this safety net has been beyond vital for me personally, too. round-the-clock care from a single partner is insane and exhausting and leads to unraveling tempers. but when you live with two partners who can help cover your chores and cook and make sure you don't die of your Symptoms (TM)? that's much more doable.

it's HARD, bc literally everyone in the house is disabled to some degree, but it's doable. (it being hard is part of why my QPR is going to move in with us soon. extra hands!)

a few weeks ago, rafi (partner of 7ish years) went on a short vacation to visit family in california. and justice (QPR of 3ish years, best friend of 8ish years) booked an impromptu next-day plane ticket to come stay with me and vi (partner of 11ish years) while rafi was gone. because i was Very Sick. i was flaring horribly the whole time she was here, and she made meals and cleaned and ran errands and picked up medications and returned phone calls and lay in bed with me watching low-stakes tv shows and made sure i didn't stroke out without anyone there to help.

this meant that i basically got to stay in bed the whole time, which was very very Very needed. and vi -- who has a bad back -- wasn't unduly taxed with Literally All of the household upkeep in rafi's absence.

the same principle has applied when i've needed my partners to help cover my share of bills or my household chores or my errands or whatever. since there are three other people involved, the Immediate Support Net is much wider than in a monogamous relationship. especially bc all three of them have their own familial and friend support networks to reach out to!

having more people around is actually awesome for me. i don't feel like i'm expending a lot more energy than i would in a monogamous relationship, but i AM receiving a TON more support and care and love than would be possible in a monogamous relationship.

i guess the conclusion i'd make is: no man is an island, humans are hardwired to build large social support groups, and in a good relationship, you'll receive At Least as much as you give. right now i'm receiving a SHIT TON MORE than i give, and i do often feel pretty bad about it despite knowing it's not my fault.

but these people have chosen to be my family. and if they ever want to stop choosing me then they absolutely can. and if they need more from me or they need something Different from me, then they'll literally just tell me.

(i know they will literally just tell me because all three of them have literally just told me in the past. they're three people i can implicitly trust to say things like "hey, this thing you said made me sad / was unhelpful" and "hey, i'm really stressed out about [x thing], can we make a plan to deal with it?" and "hey, this situation is pretty serious and i know that you don't want to face it but i really need you to. i will take on whatever i can for you and support you the whole time")

so: yes it has been hard to some extent, managing three relationships while also being sick. but it is also a wonderful setup with a million unthought-of advantages & i am much better cared-for and much better AT caring because of it & i fucking Shudder to think how horrific being sick would be without them.

i love my family so much.

#long post #replies #polyamory #this barely scratches the surface bc it's just a few examples of how our dynamics work but hopefully it is clarifying #polyamory is an advantage that has saved my Entire Ass. my partners are wonderful.#all relationships do take work but my three relationships don't take So Much Work that there's no benefit you know #the work is really easy. it's just. you take care of me when i need it and you can. i take care of you when you need it and i can #that's literally it. it's not a hard symbiosis to maintain #autoimmune tag

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xannerz · 17 days

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👶 rambling/life update time-

After like 10+ years of being here, I've told myself I'd start limiting how open I am on Tunglr abt my personal life. And it's not so much b/c I feel like I overshare too much? It's a micro-blogging site at the end of the day, and w/ a p limited following, I don't think griping about work or family issues now and then is really damaging to me or my image (a positive of not being a Bopular Blogger 🤢).

Felt like I'd come off as a whiner at worst (smiles fondly at my newly-retired!personal tag), but I think it's fair to say most people on here are struggling one way or the other, and I'm not too invested in being an enigma. Was like that as a kid - would walk up to strangers and blab about my family's life story. Strangers found it funny and charming - my parents, on the other hand, not so much LMFAO

I'm chronically online LMAO but Tunglr's never been my primary outlet, and I'm grateful (so grateful) that I already have a p strong support network irl (though my personal coping skills have fallen off and I'm trying to work on that). I have a lot of local friends and each of them are so kind and special to me.

I think my wanting to create some distance through personal posts is... really just b/c I've had a smattering of kindauncomfortablefrustrating interactions w/ folks that felt. parasocial. And IK it was a result of me being v open about my feefees in rb tags and personal posts. And Idk, after the last one or two interactions, I think I'm ready to ig choose not to talk about everything that happens as much?? it's still my blog, and I noticed I havent been chattering away as much lately anyway, but yeah.

I like that people can feel comfortable with me. It's cool. (And funny, b/c most people tell me I'm chill, but another friend's told me that I'm intimidating irl and i'm like girl what absolutely not I just hate everyone at this party LMFAOO--)

But I think it's just worth carving out some silent boundaries b/c the only conclusion I can reach is that those negative interactions in the past were just a result of - idk. People projecting enough onto me/our relationship just b/c of how open I can be on my own blog??? ykwim??

I hate saying this b/c it feels like a giant "dni! ever!" when it's not; it's more abt me filtering myself to help avoid negative interactions w/ people i barely know. I like talking to people! I like that I'm approachable (or so I'm told LMFAO), and I like to interact w/ folks!-- but I think when you get DMs from ppl acting like you've known each other for your entire life (not just respectful and friendly ykwim)-- that's... that's not great LMFAO it puts a burden on me to dance around that without being an asshole about it b/c i dont like brInging the hAmMER down on someone unless i really have to. idk if the person on the other end is in a fragile state or not, and it's easier not to up the chances of me triggering some weird meltdown.

with that said (time for a hard left here!!!). I've been stressed. I've been at the lowest point of my life for a while now - mentally, physically, financially. I'm extremely sleep deprived b/c I've been (predictably) fussing over Vigo for days. I'll be gone next week, but he's been responding well to his heart meds so I have to have faith he'll be okay while I'm out of town. My dr was begging me to enjoy this vacation b/c I look like a zombie. I'm gonna try to take it easy. I can't, really, but I'll try! I'll try.

I'll drop updates if Vigo's condition changes, but I'm relieved he's doing okay. Honestly, if it weren't for his breathing, you wouldn't even know his murmur's advanced at all. I'm grateful he still has an appetite and light in his eyes. I love this dog, man. He's just such. such a good boy. But there's just too much going on, and it's good for me to be cognizant about how focusing on my personal journal and crafts would be better for me in the long run, than expose myself to folks who simply might get the wrong idea about who I am, and DM me acting like we're best friends like whoareyougetoutofmyhouse i'm not your mother LMAO

ok. ok i feel better now. im gonna prep frozen boba from the freezer. peace and blessings on this friday ✊😔💖

#long winded but ive been dwelling on this for a while #i dont mean to make it sound like i get DMs all the time either but it's happened enough yk LMFAO #sirxantalksalot #new personal tag LMAO #might change it again tho who knows!!

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haughty-ojousama · 1 month

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I'm honestly rlly fucking glad I wasn;t born a girl, my parents were already shitty enough to me as a wee lad that I wanted to kill myself before I was like even 5 cuz I felt I was such a burden and disappointment to everyone, and they got better, but they still treat my kid sister like shit.

my dad fucking whines about my sister being 'needy' and always saying good night and I love you multiple times in a row and he worries she'll be easy to abuse as an adult, and like, yeah, I do get that, but you pile on nothing but criticism on the poor girl, even on honest mistakes. my sister fucking gets sick if she doesn't immediately fess up even misdemeanors and my parents fucking DARE accuse her of lying, fuck hell, she's 10, she calls you to confess she looked at a computer to tell time or some shit, but ohhh, she's a liar an exaggerator, fucking die!

criticize her for eating sweets, constantly fatshame her, she's not even fucking plump goddammit, criticize her every move, lecture her forever cuz she accidentally broke something that was in constant use, just fuck....

and my dad goes on abt childhood innocence being important, as if she's not almost a teen, as if innocence wasn't invented by victorian men to rape their daughters easier, fucking hell....

I tell my sister abt mental disorders, and he fucking calls me out for not talking abt 'agency' I gave simple definitions and causes of things to a 10 yo when explaining why I got into psychology, what the fuck do you mean agency, when the fuck was I supposed to talk abt that?

was it when I was describing how narcissists and ASPDs and borderlines were influenced by childhood trauma? was I supposed to assign agency to a child abused by their guardians? I mean, he didn;t mean it that way, but like, if anyone does, y'know, uh.... FUCKING KILL YOURSELF YOU SUBHUMAN SACK OF SHIT

I SWEAR TO GOD WE ASSIGN AGENCY TO ABUSED CHILDREN FOR BEING ABUSED ALREADY WE JUST DON'T SAY IT OUTRIGHT CUZ EVERYONE FUCKING KNOWS THAT'S A MONSTEROUS THING TO SAY SO WE DISGUISE IT SO WE CAN SCAPEGOAT THE INEVITABLE IMPERFECT VICTIMS AND I HATE IT AND I WANT EVERYONE WHO PERPETUATES THIS SHIT, EVERYONE WHO BLAMES KIDS FOR THEIR OWN ABUSE, TO CARVE OUT THEIR OWN FUCKING GUTS fuck you fuck you fuck all of you

the other thing, which he likely meant, was assigning agency to cluster Bs for their actions, but no one means that. I explain ASPD leaves you with lower empathy and impulse control, and I'm told I didn't assign 'agency', go fuck yourself mister, when you say agency, you mean 'subhumanize these people'

like obviously cluster Bs can abuse and be dipshits and unpleasant, so can normal people, cluster Bs can also do good things and be caring and helpful and benign, but I guess if we don't have a class of battleroid evil mooks to assign all societal evil to because GOD FORBID we introspect upon our own capacity for evil

also diagnosis is strictly a tool to help people work around their issues, if I see you hoes using it to pathologize dicks to avoid introspecting upon your own evil, I'll.... well I don't have the energy to suibait you bitches, but like, imagine me handing you a loaded gun and telling you to kill yourself

AND THEN FUCKING DO IT BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE AN ACTUAL FUCKING DANGER IN AGGREGATE TO EVERYONE ELSE

but then if that was followed, most ppl would prolly kill themselves, and that's not that good ig

anyways, to cap this off, while this is a vent and ramble, I should note, my parents are better than most and actively trying to be better, and that they learned their bullshit from worse superstructures

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izzy-b-hands · 2 months

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Rambling abt the half dream half nightmare that woke me up today below the cut. feel free to ignore, just need to vent it out somewhere. Probably going to include me talking abt Current Family Issues and Feelings so. yeah. TW for mentions of someone in hospital, death, religion, and overall family dysfunction lmao

I know that ultimately, right now, if something big and/or terrible happened medically to anyone in my family back in ND, I wouldn't be able to go see them. The money just isn't there (part of why I'm not going out there this summer nor are they coming out here at all.) I've accepted it, and I try not to think abt it.

That said, LOVE (read: HATE) my brain deciding a hyper realistic yet weird dream abt my mum winding up in hospital is the way to go this morning. Complete with:

-her bf refusing to speak to me abt it, and telling me not to bother going to visit her in the weird, somehow existing in both CT and ND simultaneously, hospital with a 'haven't you already been enough of a burden to her?'

-me staying in my grandparent's old house in ND, and for some reason that meant being wildly unable to get ready to go to the hospital. Finding my clothes was nearly impossible, but. all their old decorations were back up on the wall so even as I was searching for them I like. Didn't want to leave? As if the house would revert back to being sold like it has been irl, if i left it. Finally I wound up just stealing clothes from my grandfather's side of their closet (specifically his old 80s styled 'eagle on a tree branch' print sweater that he got forced to toss a few years ago bc it was becoming more holes than sweater, and one of his old, big leather jackets. somehow i found jeans that fit me, idk how considering i can't seem to do that irl rn but i digress)

-me showing up to the hospital FINALLY only for Noel Fielding?? to be sitting outside it with a friend dressed in what i can only describe as absolutely gorgeous future techno witch clothing. Unfortunately they were fucking dicks in this dream and scared the shit out of me by joking that 'it was so nice I'd shown up still despite the worst' and implying my mum had already passed. Noel did shout apologies as i stomped off inside and that as far as he knew she was still okay, but his friend is the one who handed me a wrapped in plastic, small, metal stool with a weird cartoon face on the seat so i could 'sit with her body, like sitting shiva, right?' (not like that at all to my knowledge, but then again my family has rarely to never fully followed any of the various religious rituals around death, we just. take the bits the dead person liked from them and ignore the rest, for better or for worse. Maybe that's just what happens when a family is a mishmash of various christian sorts from Catholic to Protestant with the hidden knowledge that actually, prior to ppl moving to the States, ppl in the family were Jewish but inter-marrying into Catholic families for safety-sake, and so any Jewish traditions used now are done wrongly and weirdly and in odd bits and pieces. At least that's as much as I've been told/have found out abt it, anyway)

-I proceed into this stupidly fancy and open concept hospital, to immediately find a hugr crowd mucking up the elevators (crowding the elevator bank and refusing to let others on.) That's where Con showed up, and helped me make it up the ridiculously wide, roundish staircases (think like. wide rounded stage steps, but for each level of this hospital), while also trying soothe me by telling me Housemate was already here and waiting for me, so were my grandparents and even Mum's bf (he promised to keep him away from me lol, it was v sweet in an otherwise filled with anxiety dream.)

-however, as we were struggling up the steps (also full of crowds, pushing each other around, so we literally had to hold hands and hold onto the railings and walls to avoid being shoved down the stairs), he kept hesitating on saying more abt mum. He tried to distract me by mentioning that, since I was here, the docs might want me to address some of my own health issues but that he wouldn't let them force me into any treatment i didn't want. Then he finally alluded to mum being in worse straits than I'd been told abt and said something to the effect of 'doing only what you can, not what she or others would expect of you' and 'not to set yourself on fire to keep someone else alive' plus admitting he was deeply worried my family was abt to force me into a big decision that absolutely wasn't the ONLY treatment option that would help mum, but it was implied to be the one mum's bf and my grandparents were pushing for.

-still dunno exactly what that option was, but just before i woke up i started hearing the latter part of the song Gethsemane from JCS (Housemate and I have been watching various versions irl this weekend lol), specifically the bit where Jesus dares/begs/etc God to see how he dies. This was accompanied by me finally reaching my mum's hospital room, and a stupid bright light emanating from it and like. Not to critique my own brain and the dream it created, but that was far too on the nose for me personally lmao.

-and I woke up thinking abt the call with my grandparents that I had on Thursday (didn't go super poorly but went. kind of weird and uncomfortable and confirmed again that like. they're happy for me being out here in CT, yet at the same time hold it and my happiness against me to some unconscious degree as originally outright confirmed by Mum in an earlier call her and I had like. Tail end of last year lmao. the main crux seeming to be 'why couldn't i find happiness in ND/what's wrong with all of them/why wasn't i willing to keep trying to make my life work in ND regardless of my happiness/don't i know how hard it is without my being there to help everyone whenever they ask/etc family bullshit')

And now I'm laying here thinking. If the Worst would happen for any of them, they would fully expect me to empty my bank accounts and do whatever else i had to, to get to ND not just to see them, but to help. to take care of as much as possible for them (mum and grandma get decision paralysed by sad/scary life events, my aunt is so uncomfortable with sickness and death she won't do hospital visits or funerals at all anymore for anyone, my cousins...are young enough they won't know how to handle it/won't want to, my grandpa tends to just shut down and isolate when things go to shit, and that's not to say that they all don't still get done things that need doing in these situations, but that they DO all usually need prodding and help and have leaned on me for that since i was a kid.)

And i would of course want to see them/help however i could, but. not to that extent. not to the point that I'd have nothing for myself, no money or help (bc they're not in a position to return that help or money to me, and they'd be so emotional as to likely be extremely offended and upset if i mentioned needing help myself.)

That said, I'm sick of silently daring them to watch me die just for their sakes, even tho i do still love them all dearly. and of course, that's entirely too dramatic but at the same time, Mum and I have had convos abt 'what if there's a shooting somewhere that we're at, how do we handle it, how are we attempting to protect each other' and Mum always says she would take a bullet for me, but she didn't protest when i say that I'd take one for her or anyone else in the family first. Last time she just nodded like. yeah. of course you would. so. Feelings, abt all of this.

If u actually read this full thing that was A. very sweet of u and i appreciate that u care abt my silly lil fucked up brain enough to do that (genuinely, I'm v grateful) and b. here is a pic of Nisha as what little compensation i can give for u reading this long ass ramble lol

#text post #long post #i should get up for the day bc this dream may have fucking sucked #but there are spring birdies peeping outside and Housemate and i have planned a day of just chilling together #also gonna put together the chocolate ikea easter bunny we got at some point #neither of us celebrate religiously anymore lmao but it's an excuse for egg and bunny shaped chocolates #anyway i can never tell my family any of my feelings abt this stuff or it'll be seen as an utter betrayal of them #and as a sign to them that i dont care abt or love them #but i do. i just want to have my own life and happiness just like they have theirs. and live for myself as much as i do others

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shameonmeeguiltypleasure · 10 months

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Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)

#dont read #im just in a mood #feelings and gloom

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smol-grey-tea · 5 months

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for the ask game: tei? im curious about your thoughts on tei!!

Woah! :0 you funny, I already did Tei :) maybe I'll just go into a bit more detail and elaborate on the bullet points from last time!!! 😊

Chance for me to infodump about my thoughts on Tei :3 😊

Tei's so interesting. He pisses me off, he's the most boring one, but it's tbh mostly cuz he's the most popular within the fandom, that's why I don't as much like him. I think ppl only focus on the fact that he's a possessive yandere obsessed with purity and believes that no one should hurt his owner, but if anyone is going to, it should be him

Boring

Boring, boring boring

Get real. Get actually interesting. Oh. My. God.

Ppl rly think that's the most interesting aspect of his character?? It's certainly not the most relatable, at least not to me

Tei is a character wracked with anxiety and worry for his owner, who he places on a pedestal higher than the sun for smiling at him in place of treating him like the scum of the earth that he believes himself to be. He's not concerned about the owner abandoning him like Yeonho is, just about the owner's safety. He'll stop at nothing to keep that safety, and that's no exaggeration

In this way, he acts selflessly, say for all but his selfish desire to hurt the owner. He feels immense shame and disgust around it and blames it on his being dirty, but I think it's not so much a result of his being grotesque and disgusting, but simply lonely.

It must be incredibly isolating to shoulder so much pain and fear and worry all on his own, all while dealing with the painful memories of his previous owner. The best way I can interpret his desire to hurt Eri is by saying that deep down, he wants someone to lean on or relate to in his pain, and feel comfort thru their shared trauma.

He wants to dirty his owner, to make her like him, so that they may both finally be on the same level of purity and he can stand with her, and she can understand him. He cares for her deeply and sees her as safe but would feel guilty for burdening her with his issues if she was pure, but that wouldn't matter if she were just like him

He views this desire as selfish but I believe that this desire is manifesting from the simple desire for human connection, someone to be completely himself and honest around, which is something not nearly as selfish as he would believe ❤❤❤

Obviously, this doesn't excuse it. To change, he needs to learn to seek help, to reach out honestly about the pain he's going thru, taking one step at a time

Whether you romanticise his toxic behaviour or demonise it, I think it can still be agreed that simply removing him from the picture isn't a good solution to the danger that he is. Evidently, aside from Eri, Tei is the glue that holds the whole family together. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry and all the pecking he needs to, not just for Eri, but for the whole household

He gently urges Lance not to fight with Red; calms Yeonho's anxiety and teaches him cooking; nags Yuri but still feeds him and helps him just the same; and keeps Red happy and entertained with the justice warrior role playing

His relationships with each of the other boys are equally as complex as his with Eri, the way Red can feel comfortable enough with Tei to talk to him in a serious manner, and the way that Yuri warns Eri of Tei's dangers. Fascinating stuff behind the scenes that we don't even see!!!!!

I'm not sure how Cheritz would've been able to do this, since Nameless is told thru Eri's perspective, but based on the above, here's how I think that Tei's story could've been written a bit more realistically for him:

He cares for Eri deeply and his desire to hurt her doesn't just spring from nowhere, but comes more from the desire for human connection, someone to rely on or relate to, someone he can be his authentic honest self around. After hearing Tei's explanation, Eri agrees to help him thru his recovery, which is sweet of her, but I know that any relationship with someone you put on a pedestal can be extremely tough. It's incredibly easy to relapse and fall back when your entire day rests on whatever mood that one person is in

I've spoken about this before. In my opinion, Tei needs someone he can rely on, who is older than him, who he cannot hurt as easily, who he doesn't idolise, who he has much more stable of a relationship with

He needs Yuri. And Yuri needs him

It's the same for Yuri. Just like in his own route. He struggles with understanding emotions, especially sincerity that isn't tied to just empty flirting

The best way that Yuri can learn about authentic, sincere emotion is by trying to build a relationship with someone who he knows definitely isn't just interacting with him because of his good looks. Sure, Eri probably isn't, but being his owner (and a girl) that can kinda throw a wrench into things

Oh I haven't even mentioned that Tei's ocd is the biggest thing I can relate to him with. Hmm. It's 01:04. If I think of anything else to add, I'll make an addiction tomorrow. Idk how to conclude this essay, so I'll just say thanks again for sending the ask, n please keep em comin!!!!! I can do this for over 672 hours!!!!! ^^

#(*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ again friend!!!! 😊😊😊😊#enjoy #my post #undescribed #ask #ask game #ntotymr #nameless the one thing you must recall #nameless #nameless longform #cheritz longform

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hesitationss · 1 year

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gundam: the witch from mercury cour 2 ep 2/ep 14, spoilers ahead!

okay okay i did make a post freaking out about this episode, but i'm a bit normal again. if you haven't watched the prequel episode, i highly recommend doing that! my personal watch order was watching gwitch ep 1 season 1 and then doing the prequel, it made for a really cool experience and gave me much to think about and OH BOY ep 2 has me THINKING HARD.

we get more of prospera's evil schemes... is it evil? she wants to end all war... by the end of the ep... YEAH it's fucking evil lol.

i am so glad that the earth students aren't just being tossed aside for the main plot, they are being included as a part of the stakes. nika's involvement with shaddiq's plans and them all having personalities, it's so nice to see! martin is becoming more and more upset with nika and nika we are seeing both a bit of nika's backstory as well as her personal wants and dreams beyond the mask that she has put up for everyone. her story about her being in extreme poverty and working on machines and being really happy about being able to go to school, if viewers haven't picked up on war is bad themes yet... this episode for sure solidifies so much. even still, she wanted to bare the burden of everything after realizing how bad everything was turning out to be. even still, she didn't want her fellow earthians getting involved and wants them and suletta to have a normal school life... but nika is just a kid too 😭🥺

also lol...elan is so annoying oh my god.. i know he is like desperate to live, but damn lol 😭

also just a side note but lilique is so cute!! she's very sweet and was just trying to share goat milk with space ppl, they did not have to be so disgusted with it!! also one thing i appreciate is that there are characters with a variety of bodies. lilique is a plus size teenage girl and she even had normal teen boy troubles in season 1 when things were more normal... <3

okay onto the rumble ring: um another side note but lauda having a moment with petra while that other girl is like HUH...dat cold hearted boy is capable of having feelings?

anyway,.. the emotional beats of the rumble ring happening with like all of the pilots personal goals and thoughts coming together on a "mock" battle field while belmeria confront prospera is so chef's kiss. like ugh so much is happening and then chuchu in her usual anger at the elite/spacians is about to blast them in her machine, but it thwarted by flashbacks from the plant quetta incident... i really think that plant quetta is such a major turning point for all of the earthians. they have had to suffer the most already, and now they realities of war are starting to sink in. i'm also just assuming that chuchu's rage is mostly from experiencing the prejudice and aftermath of war as well as wealth inequality and being raised by her 9 dads who are amputees or disabled in other ways from warfare, but she herself has never experienced it first hand until plant quetta. all these earth kids are being haunted by the consequences of imperial and capitalist violence and they are the ones who must endure the most. it's such a noteworthy moment for me in this episode, especially after sophie and norea make their appearance and nearly kill lauda. chu, even after everything knows the reality of war violence and moves to protect them because she doesn't want to see anymore people die.

but chu isn't the only one in the aftermath of war, that's all of the earthians, including sophie and norea... when sophie gives her mini monologue about the things she wants, the things she will kill for "meals big enough to fill my stomach, a fluffy bed to sleep on, warm showers, [...] and also.. a family who will always love me" despite the killing, you can't help but feel for them too, they also took on the "GUNDAM curse" to pilot killing machines to hopefully change their lives. and they fully believe in what they're doing because they have no other choice. the fate of the witches from earth is tragic because children fighting wars in machines that kill them is tragic.

new elan clone doesn't want to die, so he is also fighting for his life, nika has been kidnapped, suletta is starting to realize the weight of taking a life. sophie and norea... i shan't go on... there is so much happening and at the centre of it all is prospera and truth about eri samaya... "creating a world where eri will be happy" AAAHHHHHH

any way i'm going to become a villain now 🚬🐀😭 we're really in it for real now... earth students PLS survive!!

#gundam #the witch from mercury #g witch spoilers #g witch #on to episode 3............................#long post

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mejomonster · 2 years

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I want majima and kiryu to fuck not even necessarily because I ship them (but I do) but because majima deserves a good time (just like hey the self indulgent fights and competitions make him and kiryu fairly happy so good for them) and there is (unfortunately for kiryu) no one closer to kiryu right now. If majimas getting intimate might as well give kiryu some emotional support in the event

I'm playing yakuza kiwami and like ;-; kiryus closest person was his pro nishiki, who he went to prison and took the blame of Murder for, who he left their like best friend yuki in charge of protecting but yuki got lost too, Rina liked nishiki too and she's heartbroken by thar distance Too so her and kiryu are both in similar boats of loss but not the type to connect but more like experience in parallel (like slightly distant friends), Date is a comrad but kiryu is not Super Close to the dude. Haruka he is getting attached to cause hes overall kind at core and relates to her as an orphan and knew her aunt and feels bad about her aunt and mom and her safety. So like long term? Yeah he's gonna get attached and see her like a daughter I'm betting. But in the short term that doesn't mean he opens his heart and its burdens on a kid, and kiryus also responsible so he's trying NOT to dump his issues on a kid when he's the one parenting/protecting. So like.... nishiki who's the only one he'd fathom seeing him dump his heart on (even just interpreting it as such since kiryu tends to Stay Stoic) is gone. The two girls you befriend at the cabaret are wonderful, but they're friends like Yuki at best but not even as close in some ways like his Actual Background/work since they don't have that shared history. So nishiki was IT, HIS Homeboy, his bro, his best friend, his person he protected who knew their life and wanted to protect kiryu too and kiryus loved ones too even tho nishiki struggled at it. And he's out as a close confidant now ;-; he's drawing a line and closing kiryu out.

So the closest contender to someone understanding kiryu emotionally and his Full scope of who he is, what he's going through, and being allowed to even fathom venting it? It's majima. Kiryu wouldn't even want to. It would reveal potential Real weakness. And majima knows that too, does this dance to keep them "rivals" so they're allowed to socialize (and Have fun and let off stress in a,way they both actually like whether it's fights or pocket circuit racing or bowling lol - but mainly fighting which majima clearly does to Not kill but keep kiryu prepared so he keeps Living and Succeeding and so they both get to socialize without getting in trouble). Majima can't just buddy up to him, He's Shimanos man and Shimano is against the family kiryu was in, OFTEN against whatever the fuck kiryus up to. Majima can spare kiryu by not killing him (which majima certainly was capable of early game shown by how he purposely throws fights when u get out of jail to help u practice). And can tip him off about Shimanos moves occasionally. But that's already way friendlier than his position generally wants him to be. But majima sees a kindred spirit in kiryu - someone who values their own freedom of choice and acts, sticks to their own morals and self (no matter how stubbornly stupid kiryu seems to ppl sometimes for it majimas gotta admire the sheer refusal to change lol). Majimas goal from his introduction in kiwami is to slyly push you to Shape the fuck up so you'll survive as a yakuza, cause he likes interacting with you and doesnr wanna see you dead from this life for being as Hard Headed as you are (so you better get tough enough to survive as thar stubborn). As far as I can tell gameplay wise that's his function in the game, to keep you leveled up and prepared. And in the story that function along with his behavior translates to secretly/silently caring if kiryu is okay, wanting kiryu to have at least Himself as an outlet he can let go with and be himself with to a degree. An outlet for both of them, and a physical series of pleas to kiryu to Please survive so I can keep having you around to socialize with.

The scene where majima kidnaps Haruka I am still reeling over trying to figure out what it means for majimas motives, and if the game knows what it meant lol. The game itself first presents it like crossing a line and dangerous (now he's a real villain like ALL the ppl after haruka), then things continue and kiryu isn't treating it as urgent or worried once he sees majima and hears Haruka (compared to how life and death he treats it when Haruka is taken to that bar and dates there and Haruka is grazed with a bullet and almost shot). So kiryu oddly doesn't see majima as the same level of threat.

But I personally did in the scene see majima as potentially one, and I think majima wanted to be viewed as fully capable of being a danger to kiryu. I think underneath the big act, majima was doing the following. I think he was trying to 1. Show kiryu that in this life even ur "friends" or allies may turn on you and kill people and kill you or harm you or cross YOUR lines, and you have to figure out how to handle it and survive/get ur goal done (which foreshadows nicely when Nishiki and his people will do this later - a much more deadly Real threat to haruka than majima was and another person kiryu doesn't see as his enemy but may NEED to be able to view as one). 2. Majima is working for the yakuza, and all of them are after Haruka, and why the fuck wouldn't he do it too? It makes him look useful, look like he's working, and it means Haruka in is his hands and kiryus life in is his hands - and he can ensure they don't die as easily necessarily. And if he's lucky stubborn kiryu learns his FUCKING BLIND SPOTS from this and then in the future prevents yet another kidnapping of Haruka and danger to himself (unfortunately kiryu fucks up and she's kidnapped again later... but majima certainly gave him a learning scenario to try and learn from experience). 3. He did want to come off personally as a threat to kiryu. So get the kid, so kiryu rakes it more serious than if it's just them. Because in this life they live, they may need to be real enemies at some point. And majima needs to cope with and practice that possibly as much as he'd like kiryu to Understand that and handle that burden too. The bitter fact majima wants to be close, be friends, even Gets kiryus motives in some regards and certainly gets his stubborn resolution to his own decisions. But majima knows he doesn't get to trust and open up and he can't promise Anyone he won't hurt them, not for sure. So it's a big moment for majima.

Then it all ends? With majima getting stabbed to protect kiryu, and saying he's the only one allowed to kill kiryu. I don't think he meant to get hurt on purpose- tho needing the hospital certainly means now he has a good excuse to not help the yakuza kidnap Haruka, not help the yakuza chasing kiryu. (And his nonstop smoke breaks so u don't fight him that for me happened to align with after that lol in my 0laythrpugh definitely added to other feeling he really doesn't wanna be told to get u around then). But getting hurt on purpose both unexpectedly communicates to kiryu and the player that in at least some fucked up way majima does want you to be okay. And it also communicates he Wants you to get thst he IS a potential threat to you, as friendly as he otherwise is (like pocket circuit racing ToT). And that again he needs you to Understand that. That when you bond he wants to be close and be allowed to be, with you wrll aware of how dangerous he may have to be later and letting him bond anyway. He needs you to know he might kill you, that betrayal might always happen and that you accepted that and knew that. It's a really bizarre show of intimacy and yet it says so much raw personal shit that's hard to describe, when he takes that knife for kiryu and says only he gets to kill him.

Anyway tldr if kiryu was gonna get intimate emotionally wirh anyone (we aren't even talking fucking anymore, even a quiet walk by a river or sit down to lean against each other or drink to lament what's going on) majima is The person he's emotionally most able to click with rn. And tbh their fights are the closest kiryu is getting to that ability to vent and get support in the game in a way at times.

Also. Love these characters.

#rant #yakuza #kazumaji #yakuza kiwami #lb #feel free to ignore shsjdje if y want.#i got on a rant

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