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simplydnp · 1 month

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WAD: Cover Art

dan is still working on selling the distribution rights for We're All Doomed! so i decided to make some DVD/Blu-ray disc jacket art!

this is my attempt at a traditional jacket design! none of the images used are mine, but i did create the concept and design:

as i was making the first one for myself, i was struck by the fact that 'well, it's for me, so it doesn't have to look like a stereotypical jacket cover' which led me to be more artsy in my approach for the next one:

i was really enjoying the creativity and space to explore, so i went looking for more inspiration for a third design. this led me to dan's favourite Muse album: Origin of Symmetry, which i paid homage to:

after the first Muse album, i looked at their catalogue to see if there was more inspiration there. i was just thankful dan's favourite was easy stylistically to mimic, unlike say, 2009's The Resistance...

thank you @danielhowell for the inspiration!

nerdy stuff & reference pics below the cut!

General notes

i don't know how to use photoshop! i entirely brute-forced my way through the whole project, and the only tutorial i looked up was for the gradient text in the 4th cover

this wasn't even the original project i was working on! you'll eventually get to see that though

and this one also inspired art for the disc itself so stay tuned 👀

i will do anything for authenticity so these are Full of intentional details

matching fonts is a nightmare

the traditional cover

took the longest, as it was the first.

the barcode numbers are the date of the first video he uploaded on dinof, and the last tour show date (in m/d/y)

i changed 'iceland' to 'poland' on the front cover, as he never actually went to iceland, and poland wasn't ever on the list even though he did go there

the orange may look a little off-center in the front, but these designs need to include space for a spine between the front and back cover, i promise it's right 😂

the black and white cover

inspired by the 'i want to believe' aliens poster

the cover art comes from his metal band merch shirt design

i had to manually shrink the text, line by line, and ensure it all lined up on the back!

i even made the logos on the back greyscale

the Muse: Origin of Symmetry cover

a shockingly perfect style for a WAD cover. i'm so glad i used the cubes, even if they couldn't be orange.

there's some versions of the art online where the sky is even more orange and it baffles me how i haven't seen any parallels like this before

the Muse: The Resistance cover

this cover was never supposed to see the light of day! i meant it when i said i was grateful i didn't have to try to adapt this complex design... and yet, i tried anyway.

i did all the grid lines by hand, including the jagged/broken edge parts, shading each section, and then drawing every star.

the hardest part was getting the gradient on the back text to cooperate. photoshop's gradient settings are surprisingly limited

gotta shout out @amazingphil for being the reason i knew what this cover looked like--it's the only muse album i knew the art of before embarking on this quest!

obligatory sob story:

i've been extremely and suddenly ill for 6 months. it is difficult to function moment to moment, but especially in doing little things just for me. this is the first and only art project i've been able to feel inspired to not only work on, but to finish, and despite the pain and long hours, i enjoyed every minute of it. thank you, dan, for creating this space for me to explore, and thank you, everyone here, for being wonderful support during this time 💞

#it's finally here!! i hope you all love them as much as i do #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #daniel howell #phan art #hey phil look at this #we're all doomed #wad #c.art #word

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chayscribbles · 4 months

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chayscribbles writing recap 2023!

i feel like tacky wordart kind of encapsulates how i've been feeling lately about my writing. if that makes any sense.

as you guys may or may not have noticed i've really been nonexistent around here lately. this past year has been really weird in terms of both my personal life and my creative life. i've been a lot more blocked than in the past few years and did not meet and at the point i am now it's easy to look at the past year and be disappointed. but i will force myself to see SOME positive, goddammit.

☆stats.

words written: 102 380

projects worked on: andromeda rogue, the gemini heist, and a few Secret Projects

accomplishments: finished the 2nd draft of andromeda rogue; sent said draft out for beta reading (which was fucking terrifying, btw); crocheted two sweaters (okay that's not writing but i'm really proud of them okay)

☆looking back on 2023 goals.

i dug out my recap post from last year and looked at the goals i had set at the beginning of the year (which i had completely forgot about tbh jkgfjksd), so let's see how they measured up:

to continue polishing up Andromeda Rogue (at least just the first book) with the goal of perhaps having some eyes on it by the end of the year👀 - well i certainly did get some eyes on it, so that was accomplished ✅

to continue working on The Gemini Heist, wherever that may lead me - okay so i didn't get nearly as far as i had hoped but i worked on it, didn't i? i'm checking it off ✅

to not pressure myself too much in my writing; to be kind to myself when i’m in a slump and to take regular breaks - LOL. still working on that.

to try new things and challenge myself - getting betas was challenging. not finding them but the actually making myself do it lol. let's go ahead and check that one off ✅

to have fun and be myself! 😀 - LMAO. yeah, sure, let's give that a check. ✅

☆setting new goals for 2024.

i'm gonna have only two goals but they're pretty big ones.

publish andromeda rogue by the end of the year, assuming editing through beta comments doesn't kill me first.

this isn't writing but i'd really like to open an online shop for my art, i think it would be an interesting venture. i got a cricut machine for christmas so there might be stickers in my future 👀

so that's all my rambling! hope you guys have a wonderful 2024!!! <3

general taglist:

@dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @onomatopiya @quilloftheclouds @ashen-crest @writeblrfantasy @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @extra-magichours @avi-why @lefttigerobservation @chazzawrites @bardolatrycore @innocentlymacabre

#chayscribbles writing update

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simpleeshea · 3 months

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On the Clock!

C!Wilbur x Gn! Reader

Chapter 7

"Darling, I'd hold you."

trigger warning: Slight mentions of sewerslide

--One new message--

Wilbur:

Goodnight.

Delivered: 12:34 A.M.

The light from my screen flashed far too brightly for my tired eyes. Unenthusiastically, I rolled out of my bed and checked the clock on the wall for the time because even though that had been the initial reason for looking at my phone, I forgot to check. It was ten in the morning, not exactly, but close enough. I didn't have any big plans for today except maybe searching online again for available higher paying jobs than the gas station in case I never get an email back from the coffee shop. I didn't want to stop working with Wilbur. In reality, I think he's the only reason I've stayed for as long as I have... but I can't keep living off of this current paycheck. I'm so far behind on my rent and the station doesn't allow me to work more than a certain amount of hours.

Wilbur and I... it's complicated. We're bestfriends, but that only lasts for as long as I'm clocked in. Maybe we're just coworkers after all. Does he see me how I see him? He's always been so quiet about his life outside of work- I am too, but for some reason, it's just different with him. I'd be willing to talk about all of my shit with him if he asked... but he never has. I'm not sure why that bothers me so much. Usually, I get angry when someone tries to be all in my business, but I want him to ask. I want him to care. Maybe the fact that he doesn't ask means that he just doesn't care.

I wipe my hands across my face as I stare at my disheveled appearance in the small bathroom's mirror. How did thinking about work become an anxious conversation with myself about whether or not Wilbur actually sees me as a friend? My brain was clearly a mess today.

After I finished getting myself dressed for the day, I padded through my phone, checking my email for any response about the second interview. I was probably just kidding myself though, surely I was getting my hopes up like always and the position had already been filled by yet another mediocre teenager being forced to appease their parents. I was getting sick of working stupid low-paying jobs at twenty-four. I should have just listened to my parents and let them pay for my way into med school, but no. I had to want to be an artist.

I decided to shoot Wilbur a text. Maybe it wasn't a busy day at work and texting him would keep me distracted for a few minutes.

Y/n:

Hey what's up?

I sent the text and tossed my phone to the side but turned on my ringer before so that way I could hear when he responded.

My phone lay silent on the bed for a while as I went bout cleaning up my small apartment. I sprayed some cheap air freshener to attempt to remove the smoke-stained smell that came as an addition to the apartment. There were worse smells that the apartment could have smelled like, but I wasn't sure how the previous owner even got away with that much smoking inside when the apartment complex owner was very uptight about what went on inside each apartment, especially smoking. I brushed off the question before accidentally inhaling too much of the freshly sprayed air freshener that smelled like lavender. I coughed slightly, trying to get the taste out of my mouth. It wasn't a pleasant lavender, I couldn't quite explain it but the smell was just far too sweet and it burned my nose. For better or worse, the spray didn't actually last that long and I was beginning to debate just buying a slightly more expensive brand of air freshener with how fast I had been going through these cans.

My phone chimed which caught my attention.

Wilbur:

Just a lot of work. It's my day to stock shelves and Darrien isn't here to help at the register.

I looked at the message and knew the stress that he was going through. Stocking wasn't a fun job but usually I had Wilbur to at least work the register while I did it. I looked at the clock and saw it was getting closer to noon which meant the store was fixing to be at its second busiest time of the day. I let out a sigh before shooting Wilbur a text back that I knew I'd probably regret.

Y/n:

Need me to come in and help?

Wilbur:

Aww

care about me enough to work on your day off?

"I knew I'd regret it," I said aloud to no one except myself.

Y/n:

Nevermind.

I'm staying at home.

Wilbur:

No no no! Please come 😭

It'd actually help a lot.

Y/n:

...

Wilbur:

Please🙏

Y/n:

Wilbur:

Fine😭

But I will make fun of you ten times more this next week

Y/n:

Calm down I'm getting in my truck😭

Wilbur: 😁

Y/n:

Smh

Wilbur:

Thank you.

Y/n:

Whatever.

get to work

When I made it to the station I realized that I forgot my earbuds at home. This only meant one thing: I got the pleasure of annoying Wilbur more Wilbur got to listen to my amazing voice waaay more.

I opened the door, to which the chime rang loudly. Wilbur didn't lift his head and just said "Hey welcome in, I'll be with you in a second."

I went up behind his crouched form and just stood over him. He took out his earbuds and looked up with a confused expression until he realized that it was me standing above him. It was weird seeing him from a high angle. Usually, Wilbur was always standing above me and I'd strain my neck to meet his eyes. But now, Wilbur was below me, his head cocked up to meet my eyes and a relieved expression on his face.

"Thank god. I think if I had to deal with one more redneck hick, I'd actually shoot myself," Wilbur said sounding exhausted.

"Right well, let's not actually do that," I laughed nervously.

"Obviously," Wilbur didn't look up as he muttered back quietly and only continued to place boxes of candy bars on shelves.

"Wilbur?" I asked quietly. He didn't turn to look, in fact, he didn't do anything at all to motion that he had even heard what I had said. "You would never actually do anything like that... would you?"

Wilbur finally stopped filling the shelves with useless junk that appealed to people who actually could afford to enjoy luxuries such as random overpriced candies. His arms fell to his side before he let out a small sigh. He turned and met my eyes slowly, "I'm not going to do anything like that, Y/n."

A wave of relief flooded over me. I gave him a small smile before offering a hand to help him off of the floor. His fingers reached up and clasped over my hand as I pulled hard to get him off the dirty ground. As I pulled him up, he did something unexpected. Wilbur's arms came around my body, holding me close to him in a hug. His body was freezing cold as he clung tight to me. He stood there in silence for a moment and somehow it didn't feel awkward, instead, it felt nice to be comforted. I think the last time I hugged someone who wasn't a stuffed animal was when I had my last boyfriend during my senior year of high school. But he's a story for a different time. Wilbur squeezed tight once more before saying "You shouldn't worry about me so much," and then letting go and picking up his empty box and tossing it to the side. "You remind me of Tommy in that aspect." This also caught me by surprise. He didn't often talk about Tommy, and if he did, it was just the version of him in his book.

"How so?" I asked after a moment of silence.

"He was far too caring." It was a moment more filled with silence and Wilbur's feet shuffling to go grab another box to unpack. "Tommy saw the bad that I had done and still cared for me. Not only that but he looked up to me. I used to think his loyalty was a good thing... but having time to reflect on this, I think his loyalty to me got him into far more trouble than it was worth."

"So the real Tommy's a lot like book Tommy?"

Wilbur chuckled dryly. "You could say that."

I nodded before coming up with another question. I debated on even asking for a moment but inevitably I did ask, "So what happened to you and Tommy? Why don't you see him anymore?" My breath got caught in my throat before I went on further to say, "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to... obviously."

He shook his head while he kept filling shelves, "No, It's alright. I had to leave for Tommy's sake. I had done some pretty messed up shit to him and I can't ever make it better. The worst part about it all though... I didn't even know how to apologize. I went around for days apologizing to all of these people, but when it came to it... I just didn't know how to say it to him. I just left, and now I'm here."

I slowly absorbed everything Wilbur had told me. I wondered what he could have done that was so bad to make him feel he had to leave. "I'm sure he understands, Wilbur."

"That's part of the problem," he answered back far too quickly. "The problem with me apologizing to Tommy is that he either forgives me which makes him stupid, or he doesn't... which I don't think I'd ever be able to have a shot at forgiving myself if Tommy didn't forgive me too."

I bit the inside of my lip anxiously. "The thing is, Wilbur, you're just a person like the rest of us. We only get one shot at living and we're all going to make mistakes. The best thing that we can do is recognize those mistakes and learn from them. And if he doesn't forgive you, then that's okay. You just have to accept that and keep living, because giving up in any form is unacceptable. You can be sad and take a break... but you can't give up."

Wilbur sat still for a second before turning his head to look at me. A small smile was draped on his lips as he looked grateful for my words. "Thank you, Y/n." He laughed slightly, "You're not too bad at making people feel better, you ever considered a job in therapy?"

"Gahhh!" I groaned, "Now you sound like my parents." I shook my head, "You need to be a doctor, why not be a lawyer, you need to be making a lot of money," I mocked their endless nagging.

Wilbur laughed again, "Y/n, I think you should do what makes you the happiest."

His words, they lingered in my mind and ate me up inside. I dreamed of my parents saying that to me. A cheesy smile smeared across my face. "You're such a sap, Wilbur," I beamed.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head before tossing away another box. "Don't you have a show to watch or something?" he jokingly groaned.

"Nope," I said popping the p. "My Netflix subscription got canceled," I said trying to laugh off something that actually upset me.

"Lovely," Wilbur said sarcastically, not catching the way my smile dropped for a second after I had told him. Or maybe he did notice... maybe he just didn't care to ask.

"Yep, now you get to listen to me yap all day," I laughed out loud, trying to drown out the previous thoughts with sounds of joy even if they were faked.

"I feel like I deserve this for how many Wednesdays I've annoyed you."

"Exactly."

---

It was now later in the evening, Wilbur had finished stocking the shelves and was cleaning up the store a little bit. I finished bagging a customer's snacks and watched as they walked out the door with a small chime following the motion of the door swinging open and shut. Wilbur leaned the broom against the wall and sighed, tugging at the collar of his work shirt uncomfortably before walking over to the front counter where I sat on a stool with my head leaned against the cool tabletop. "You can leave if you want."

I froze as he said this, afraid that maybe he didn't really want me here anymore. Jokingly I said back, "I see how it is, you don't want me here." I teased him but hoped to see a genuine reaction from him.

"That's not what I meant and you know that," he said seriously but a small smile shone slightly on his lips.

I laughed softly but faintly said, "And what if I didn't know that?"

"huh?" Wilbur turned his full attention to me but it was clear that he hadn't caught what I had said.

"Nothing," I spoke much more firmly. "Want to practice your mixing skills?" I asked changing the subject.

WIlbur's face quirked up into a smile but it slowly faded. "I probably shouldn't come into work hungover for a second time this week."

I nodded in understanding. "How much longer are you thinking about staying open?" I asked.

"Probably another hour or two." I checked my phone for the time, it was only six in the afternoon.

"That's pretty early to close up," I mentioned.

"We usually close earlier, mostly because Daxton isn't much help but after six nobody really drives through here."

"I mean it's not like this place is in the middle of nowhere," I laughed sarcastically.

Wilbur laughed too, but something felt off with his laugh. I couldn't quite explain it but it had an underlying sadness to it that I could feel in my chest. That feeling sat as a heavyweight, a weight that I couldn't push off, and so I asked, "What's wrong, Wilbur?"

"What do you mean?" he laughed again at my question as if he thought I didn't notice. I wasn't blind. I didn't know everything about Wilbur, but I could tell that he wasn't his usual self. While Wilbur wasn't always the happiest-looking person, he was usually able to at least laugh at a joke.

"I mean..." I thought for a second, "You just seem off today."

Wilbur stood still for a moment before nodding. "You really should look into a psychology degree or something," he chuckled dryly. "But yeah, I'm not doing the greatest. I guess I've just been thinking about Tommy a lot here lately."

"That makes sense. He was like a brother to you, right?"

He gave another small dry laugh that sounded more sad than joyous, "Right. He meant a lot to me."

I let his words sink into me for just a brief moment. "Meant."

"What?"

"You said meant. Does he not still mean a lot to you?"

"Y/n... Tommy means the world to me," he said but he sounded as if there was more to say even though he stood silently.

"Okay...?"

"But I'm not sure I deserve to even think about him."

"Oh."

"I left him, Y/n. I ran. I thought it was the only good thing I could do for him because when I was in his life I made it so much worse for him. There was one point where he looked at me and it felt like he was scared... like he didn't even recognize my-" Wilbur's voice was breaking. He cut himself off, took a deep breath in and out, and swallowed hard before saying, "I was a horrible person to him."

I looked up at Wilbur. Surely this was as bad as things could get for him. There was no way things would get worse... but for some reason, I sat there and feared the worst for him. I sat there in silence and racked my brain for something to say, anything.

Wilbur stood in front of the counter, he was still like an ancient statue, breaking down and corroded. I sat still on the rickety stool with my hands in my lap.

Shakily he said, "You don't..." Wilbur paused as he tried to collect himself, "You don't have to say anything back."

I cursed myself, cursed myself out so loudly in my head that it became all I could hear. Why can't I speak? Why don't I have the right words to give him? I want so deeply to help him but I don't even know the first step to doing so. And in an instant... my mind cleared. Like a fresh breath of air after a deep swim in cold waters, these words came to me, "I'll hold onto you?"

"What?" Wilbur looked at me with a look of great confusion painted across his face.

"I'll hold onto you," I repeated. "I won't let you go down whatever route that you took again. I'll hold you accountable, and hold you up when you can no longer stand, I'll hold your hand and remind you who you really are, the Wilbur that I know. Darling, I'd hold you. I'd hold you because that's what friends are for. To be a support beam, to be a kind face, to just be there. So I'll hold you," I spoke the final few words so softly, and as I looked at his face, truly looking at him for the first time, I saw his eyes were watered up with tears.

"So then hold me."

A/N

I have a love-hate relationship with my writing.

#dsmp #wilbur soot #x reader #mcyt x you #dream smp #wilbur x reader #dsmp wilbur #c!wilbur #c!wilbur x reader

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synobun · 3 months

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One of them tag games

So I wasn't actually tagged by @cour5t in this, but I was tagged by @rosewinterborn in a very similar game, so I'm stealing the first and pretending it's the second, since the second had a few questions that didn't apply to me x)

Last song: I'm gonna do the last song I've had on repeat for this!

Favorite color: I never know what to say for this. Black? Dark red? Dark purple? Dark green? That whole colour palette is the bomb dot com.

Last movie/show: The last movie I watched that was new was Nimona! It was fantastic, 10/10 lives up to the hype. The last show I finished was Reacher. It was okay.

Next on my watchlist: I've finally started watching Criminal Minds, but I'm already kind of burning out on it midway through season two. And there's still like 300 episodes left. Ridic. I should probably catch up on Foundation and For All Mankind. Next movie is the cartoon version of Mulan!

Last game: Prey! I did a replay of Doom 3 a while ago and mused that the horror story-game genre should be revived, and then on a whim I decided to play Prey without knowing anything about it. And it's the exact kind of game I was talking about. It's pretty good.

Last book: Rebirth of the Sigil by Peri Akman. It was disappointing. :/ Especially since I know what the author is otherwise capable of. I had the same thing happen with John Gwynne recently as well.

Sweet/savory/spicy: Savory, I think? I don't have an instinctive sense of what savory is. Google says it's a meaty taste, and I rely heavily on protein, so I guess that. I have a pretty low tolerance for sweetness despite liking sodas and such. I don't like most desserts or can only eat a tiny amount. Spicy is alright but my digestive system disagrees.

Relationship status: *vague gesturing*

Last thing I searched online: The hours for my pharmacy to see if it was too late to pick up my medication.

Current obsession: I am generally not an obsessive person when it comes to, like, interests and activities. But I am an obsessive person when it comes to thoughts and emotions. Lately I've been struggling a lot with thinking about eternity. It has not been fun. On a lighter note, I have also been thinking more regularly about writing. Perhaps someday that will translate into action!

Greatest flaw: How much time do you have? This is actually something I have difficulty answering, because the line between something forced upon me and something that is actually inherent to me is blurred a lot of the time.

I think I'd say how I behave when I'm spiraling mentally. I close off and disappear from almost everyone in my life. Occasionally I can keep up appearances with one group but not the rest, but by and large I become a ghost. When I am in a conversation during those cycles, it's crazy how badly I'm affected. I don't become cruel or mean toward others, but my speech becomes jilted, I can't make eye contact, and I am just devastatingly hateful against myself.

It's partly why I isolate, so that I don't have to expose others to that behaviour. It happens on a yearly basis though, and it can last for weeks at a time, so it has a pretty negative impact on my relationships. I also have no idea how to navigate being in one of those moods while part of a relationship where daily contact is an expectation. When I was part of a romantic relationship, instead of having one big prolonged dip, I would fade in and out of it. A couple weeks good, a couple days bad. Rinse and repeat. Awful. Terrible. Annoying. There's almost no predicting when it'll happen either.

Fic I’m currently reading: I rarely read fics because I have no patience for wading through wish fulfillment, horny writing, and "He would not fucking say that" fics, so there's only one that I vaguely keep up with. My friend has a Mass Effect fic, which can be found here. It focuses on femShep(/Kaidan) and Tali(/Garrus) and is post-ME3.

-----

I tag anyone who sees this and actually made it to the end, tbh. But for sake of poking, I tag @rosewinterborn with this variant, and also @deadlyessencewhispers, @tananaphone, @stupid-elf, @carrotblr, @atinydroid, @imtryingx, and, uh, uh... I don't know... let's see... @kkshowtunes, @d3viantvanguard, and @awritingcaitlin. I probably just tagged everyone who follows me. Anyway thanks bye

#tag game #in which i talk too much and reveal too much

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nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos · 7 months

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So imposter syndrome is a thing and I need to give myself a pep talk. Like. Now.

And if anyone else is dealing with it needs one, then I'm sharing it. This is pretty personal, but I don't like the thought of anyone dealing with this because I know how utterly miserable it is, and absolutely no one deserves it.

So I just want to take a minute (or an hour, or several) to talk about this because I realized during the past decade (or longer), when I wasn't letting anyone read any of my writing whatsoever, that imposter syndrome is a lying fucking thundercunt, and that it hurts so many creators, and that it shouldn't be allowed to exist at all.

I got burned out constantly when I was publishing on fanfiction.net back in the day, and another site I can't remember the name of for original work that doesn't exist anymore.

Would get stuck in a rut on everything I wrote and never finish anything.

Good or bad feedback, didn't matter. It always devolved into, "This is shit, and I am shit, and I shouldn't be shoveling this shit to other people," and I'd try to just ignore that and write and...nothing would come out. Or what did come out, I felt like it wasn't ever good enough.

I'd read over what I had already written and just cringe. Cancel a project entirely and trash it because thinking about it made me want to vomit.

The same way you might cringe hearing your own voice on a recording, or see an unflattering photograph of yourself and second guess everything about what you see in the mirror.

This always led slap into a writer's block, which for me also tends to lead toward depression and general self-loathing because I don't feel like me when I'm not writing.

Same thing has happened on and off with most of my hobbies through the years. I started getting deeply into culinary arts when I was sixteen, wanted to learn more and try new recipes out daily, and messing something up would just destroy me. I started playing guitar at thirteen, played daily through most of high school, and went through a few stints that lasted for literal years where just looking at a guitar made me physically sick because I felt like I had hit a wall that I couldn't get past.

I guess because writing has been with me for the longest, it was what helped me the most. I was writing silly little "horror" short stories and Pokémon fanfiction as early as six years old. Writing is ingrained into me to the point that I feel like a different person entirely when I'm not doing it. I feel like I don't know myself.

And that feeling of being inadequate when I was actively writing, I realized, didn't actually start until I began letting other people read what I was writing regularly. Largely when I started posting it online. That was when it went from being my joy to being my dread.

Dread that if I didn't finish a chapter or a story quickly enough, people would stop reading.

Fear of making even one single typo that someone might point out.

Fear of being insulted or berated.

Of not being good enough.

Of failing.

I realized during my extensive haitus from writing that I never had that fear when I was a child. When I was writing for me. Writing what I wanted to. What I enjoyed, what made me happy. That at some point, writing had changed from a form of self-love into people-pleasing.

I spent a few years not writing at all, and gradually started again. A short story here or there when the mood struck instead of trying to force it out. That made the mood strike more and more often.

I eventually bit the bullet and read over some of my old work that I would cringe over, and it made me smile instead. Still made me cringe a little, but instead of that resulting in a need to pull into a shell and stop entirely, it turned into a desire to improve.

It clicked that it was because the only audience I had was myself, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted and just have a good time with it. No worries, no deadlines, no one to impress, just creating what I wanted to and enjoying it.

It's not fool-proof, but when the feeling starts to flare up, the following is a rough inner monologue of how I try to address it.

"Look self, who cares if you're a talentless hack or not? If you like doing the thing, do the thing. If it only brings you joy when other people care you're doing the thing, or you only do the thing when you're hoping it could even potentially impress other people? Then you're not enjoying the thing, you're enjoying the attention, or even just the idea of attention. Take the attention out of the entire equation, and just do the goddamned thing."

Art is passion in physical form. Passion stems from happiness. That happiness stems from you. From you, looking at what you've created, before anyone else has laid eyes on it, and smiling. That moment when you finish your creation, the feeling of fulfillment in knowing that you created something that wouldn't otherwise exist if you hadn't taken the time and energy to do so. That one moment before any potential second guessing or anxiety can rear its head in. That moment, that comes from you and only you, free of any influence from the outside world, is happiness.

Basically, the old saying, "dance like no one's watching?" It applies to everything. EVERYTHING that imposter syndrome could butt its disgusting lying filthy head in on. Sing, play [instrument of choice] like no one's listening. Paint and draw and sculpt and mold and create like no one else but you is ever going to see the finished product. Write like no one else is reading. Enjoy it for what it gives you first and foremost. Extend that moment of happiness and enjoy it, because you did something no one but you could have done, you created something that no one but you could have created.

After that, if other people enjoy it, great! It's always nice to share happiness!

If they don't like it, or if they pressure you to do better or work faster or harder than you're capable of doing in your present state?

If they take your peace and mold it into pain?

Then they can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

It's your passion. It's your love. Not theirs.

If they don't like it, they don't have to look.

If you were kind enough to share your happiness with them, and they're miserable enough to stomp on it in any way, shape, or form, then that's their problem, not yours.

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rollercoasterwords · 9 months

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oh!!!! happy 100k words wfrau!!!!!!! she's getting bigger (<- like you would speak of a puppy). how long is it supposed to be & how far along are you? and also... would you like to share a snippet you like (from any chapter ofc... no pressure if no it's completely understandable)? what do you enjoy the most about writing it? bc it seems like you're having fun & it's so nice to see someone enjoying a hobby so openly online... especially writing... there's this conception that writers don't actually enjoy writing (the whole 'forcing myself to write' bit) and i'm curious to hear your perspective on it!! also!!!!!! i hope moving will be easy & fun & the world will be kind to you with the change <3 i keep telling myself 2 read marx but i can't find any good translations to my native language and reading it in english is making my brain go grgrgrgrgr like an air conditioner on its last leg so alas it might have to wait... so true for liking iced drinks they're really the best!! i've heard someone say it's childish but i think they just live a very miserable hot life in the august heat drinking their hot coffee instead of putting some ice cubes in it :) it's funny you say that about fav line because it's definitely my fav fic of your writing & the ending of it is soooo beautiful i get back to it every time i need to feel something!!!!! that song line is beautiful too omg... and well the weather is hell everywhere at least the world is all suffering together :( i hope the atmosphere isn't suffering too much :/ honestly i am a big 'i would rather be hot than cold' believer because i am from a hot country so i know how to deal with the heat but you know what i'm sure the chill can also be intriguing to some... not me though... i hope the winter will be kind on you <3 thank u for letting me invade ur ask box i am creating myself a room here for now i think. anyway. love and hugs!!!! <333

hello!! she is indeed getting bigger <3 if i had to guess right now i'd say i'm maybe...possibly nearing the halfway point of the fic, plotwise? but honestly it's really hard to say lol. i've got 2 more story arcs to cover in part 3 (plus finishing the current one), and then part 4 is gonna have like...2 or 3 story arcs as well, plus an epilogue. so it just depends on how long it takes me to cover all that ground!

and yeah i'm having a lot of fun writing!! i know what u mean abt the whole "ugh writing amirite" bit that writers do lol and i'm sure i do it sometimes too...i mean i think tone varies a lot and many people who complain about writing still really enjoy the activity, but i do think there is sometimes this self-flagellating tendency amongst some writers to act like writing is meant to be this strenuous, emotionally draining activity like ur...idk sisyphus w the stone or something, and if you're writing something 'easy' or 'fun' you're somehow a lower caliber of writer than those who Nobly Suffer for their art, etc...which i think is dumb lol. suffering doesn't inherently make art any better or more noble

& thank u 4 the well-wishes w moving!! i'm mostly nervous about getting to my flight on time lol i have to go into work the literal day before i leave and then catch a train across the country at 5am the next morning 2 get 2 the airport...not going 2 be fun so i'll take all the well-wishes i can get !!

sorry 2 hear u can't find marx in ur native language :( it's hard enough 4 me 2 understand reading in my first language i cannot imagine trying 2 parse it in a second language...maybe it might be easier 2 find one of his (or engels') shorter texts 2 read? capital is a monster but i started off with a few shorter pieces ('socialism: utopian and scientific', 'principles of communism', 'wage labour and capital,' 'value price and profit') which i found helpful! also there are lots of secondary resources of other people breaking down + explaining marx's work; maybe there's a good source in your native language that could give a summary/overview of capital? there's no one right way 2 learn, it's just abt finding what works best for u!!

iced drink supremacy 4ever truly <3 me myself & i we can only enjoy a hot beverage if it's very cold outside...otherwise i am simply thinking well why would i do that 2 myself... & thank u!! happy 2 hear u like the lines!! v happy w them v proud <3 & also appreciate the well-wishes re: weather i cannot relate 2 the hot-weather preference i much prefer cold...or at least i used to i grew up in a relatively cold climate but then i moved south 4 university so at this point i'm going on 6 years of living in what is categorized as a "humid subtropical climate" & i think my winter tolerance has been all but destroyed it hardly ever drops below freezing...but hot&humid weather is still my least favorite i think i would prefer icy-cold winter + mild summer but i will be actually putting that theory 2 the test this year so!! who knows maybe my hubris will be my downfall...

& of course!! u are welcome 2 stop by + chat anytime...in my heart we are drinking iced beverages 2gether <3 also as requested here is a snippet from ch 14:

“Don’t,” he tells her, firmly, “Don’t say that. I don’t—want you involved. If they ever did anything to hurt you…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” She stares at him, eyes ablaze. “And how do you think I feel? Knowing that they only pick on you because—” her voice falters, cracking, “Because you’re with me?” Her lip is trembling again, tears threatening to spill over from her eyes. Sirius shakes his head, helplessly, at a loss for what to do.

#snippet is a bit spoilery i think...might be able 2 piece 2gether some of what's gonna happen based on it #but also might just be confusing lol #hard 2 post anything from ch 14 without giving some stuff away tho so!! out-of-context possibly-spoilers it is...#ask #wfrau

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alelelesimz · 2 months

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splatoon 3: side order ~ ale's 2024 game reviews II

oooooh guess who finished side order (like, actually 100%)! me baby! and yes i've technically been playing splatoon 3 since 2022 and this is for games i finish this year BUT side order is a totally different game mode so it counts :p also it's my review i make the rules

spoilers ahead! although if you've paid any attention online there's no huge spoilers going on.

i finished the tower on my 4th run i think, i'm not that good at this game okay. but i did finish it on the day it released! i got a bit sad because i thought it was too short but then i realized you're supposed to replay this a bunch of times and the story keeps going! so it ended up lasting a couple weeks for me. it could've been faster if it wasn't bc i needed to finish my catalog before the season ended, but hey that's better i think!

i like that the game forces you to do a run with each weapon, cause otherwise i would've done only the shooter and MAYBE the roller. but it was fun! i hate chargers and splatlings, but once you learn how to use the chips and get a bunch of hacks, it becomes easier even with weapons you suck at. also i love overpowering Pearl, it's fun.

the game itself is absolutely gorgeous. i found myself staring at the ink before starting almost every level. i'm a sucker for glittery pastel ink are u kidding me!!!! the design of all the characters outside KILLS me like what the hell they're all SO adorable i want one of those jellies in real life. also cypher's design rules.

the world is so pretty too, i love all the backgrounds in the levels (and that they reused animal crossing fish ugh!!!!), the outside of the building, THE LOBBY????? i can't start a run without running around with the cool lights and music!

i LOVEEEE that we got so much Acht! i was already obsessed with them before the dlc, like their design and persona was such a cool concept for me, and now we get to hang out with them and learn about them before getting sanitized omg i love it so much. also we love an enby in a nintendo game

i also love Pearl and Marina so much, fight me all you want but they're truly the superior idols of splatoon. i love that nintendo let them be so incredibly fucking gay in this game. yeah yeah it's not said out loud but i've never seen two characters more in love than those two bitches. good for them

oh and i fucking love Smollusk wtf. why is it so adorable????????? specially at the end aaaaa him and small fry are my sons

the only things i didn't like about the dlc are that they kinda teased something going on with agent 4 but then there's nothing about them? we have a palette and the clone thing looks like them and then there are a couple mentions here and there but that's it? i would've preferred if they don't mention them at all instead of this. i also would have liked a little cut scene once you finish all the weapons. i was a bit disappointed once i finished eight's palette you're just done with it and well. that's all! smollusk is now friendly and nothing more :/

aaaanyways i really enjoyed myself with this dlc! i'd say i enjoyed it more than return of the mammalians which i still haven't 100%. i've seen people say octo expansion was better but idc cause i never played it! so side order gets 4.5/5⭐️ from me :D love u splatoon

#ale’s 2024 game reviews #splatoon 3 #side order #splatoon side order

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kaaras-adaar · 1 year

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// Some personal stuff under the cut (feel free to ignore!)

I just wanted to make things a little clearer, as I know I've been exceptionally sporadic the last... well 3 years tbh? Things have not been easy. Between working during a pandemic, work life being exceptionally tough on me, and then I added school on top of it, I've been not in a good place mentally. Even worse, the state of the world and the cost of living have been kicking everyone's arses lately. The world itself is a very negative place to be in right now, so it's no surprise that it's had its downs, especially on people.

I'm no exception.

When I was younger, I had clinical depression and anxiety so bad that I was actually unable to leave my own house to get the mail because my anxiety was so bad. While I am exceptionally proud of how far I've come from that (because I HAVE!), my depression has also come back in a bad force that I've not struggled with for at least a good 7 years or something.

I know I've not been myself these last few years. I know I've been short tempered, exhausted and overall tired. It took a while to admit that my depression had come back, because I fought a long time to be rid of it and overcome it. I had my bad days here and there, but everyone does. A couple of days passed and I was good to go again and put it behind me. But the last year, at least, I know it's been bad. It's put a hamper on my writing, it's put a hamper on my friendships, it's overall made me a pretty shitty person to be around because of how exhausting life has been these last few years. Please also take into consideration that I have Aspergers, and much of this outside noise has been very difficult to cope with.

I have been trying to find happiness in the small things, but some days, I have felt so down that I've wanted to leave my life online entirely. I have also felt suicidal. I haven't, and I don't TRULY want to, because I know that depression warps things and tells me things that aren't true. Instead, I have tried to simply take a step back and tell myself these things will pass, and I have kept most of this offline because tbh... I don't want to be this person that depression has made me become. I know it's not really who I am. I am a good person, I am a funny person, I am a charming person (or so people tell me lol).

I am fighting, and some days I have very good highs, and I feel great, but then others, I feel like walking out into traffic. I'm getting there, though. It's been a slow process, and I truly do feel like once I've finished school, things will begin to get better for me. It's just a slow process, and I want to thank everyone who has been there for me throughout this, even though I've not been open about this, and I've not reached out (because I didn't want to put my problems on any of you, it's not your responsibility). It may have come off as me not being a good friend, but I do shut down, as I don't like to appear vulnerable. It's overall a bad cycle, I know.

Like I said, I am getting there. And I will get there eventually, I am sure. I am just a little delicate atm, and I am trying my best to not return to a place I thought I'd overcome.

#ooc #tbd #personal

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zealsoughtsequesterustanxiedemon · 4 months

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Thinking about new years resolutions. I usually like making a list with the caveat that I'm not beholden to it. I feel like having exact goals and forcing myself to do them often doesn't work, it just sorta makes me feel worse when I can't do them. I'm self aware enough to feel satisfied about doing something I want without making it a hard goal. So anyways here's a more nebulous ramble of stuff I wanna do in this new year. Less I have to do this and more a direction of what I know will make me happy C:

I wanna cut out the dead time in my schedule. Not like the time I need to rest and do nothing or have pointless conversations with friends; I've learned those are kind of necessary to life. It's okay to not do anything when you feel bad, especially when the reason isn't tangible. No I want to cut to the chase when I'm lollygagging on deciding what to do with my free time, I wanna cut out stuff I just do to pass the time; when I'm not shutting down or not feeling it, I want to intentionally be doing the stuff that I know I'll love. I'm old enough that I know my tastes, I know what I'll like and I should just do it.

I wanna actually get through some of the games that have been on my list for a long time, the classic vns, the recommendations from my friends, etc.

I wanna get back to reading manga. It's a medium I've neglected a lot for the latter half of this last decade. And that's a shame because it's a medium that, when I like it, I'm fucking ravenous for. Shit is so easy to consume, I can do it right in bed and stay up for hours because I'm obsessed.

I wanna read at least a little bit more text. Reading books has often been a struggle for me because of attention issues (always losing my place and reading the same paragraph 14 times, not being able to shut out distracting noises so I have to idle until they stop, during the day I'm too antsy to read, and when it's too late or too early reading isn't stimulating enough for me to not drift off to sleep or get distracted). But there's books I want to read, books I know I'll love, books that have been on my shelf for 5+ years that i just haven't gotten to. Mainly I wanna start actually reading the monogatari LNs. I feel like it'll give me a greater appreciation of the series and open me up to parts of the fandom I feel like I've been cut off from forever. I consider it my favorite series so I wanna embrace every part of it.

I wanna watch anime for myself again. I always feel like I'm not watching any anime, even when i do. I've doing that tried-and-true trick of just watching anime with friends every week for like 7 years that I employed to keep myself from wasting away when i was in that post-college, retail job deep depression. But I've fallen out of watching stuff consistently on my own. I do it sometimes, but its usually when its a show i can obsess over a show w/ my online friends together (love you dis and mattie), but when we don't have that I often don't have the motivation. I wanna watch old stuff and new stuff and my friends' fav animes. I'll finish Aria one day and eventually start watching Lain.

I wanna post my feelings more. I feel like this site has enabled me to do that more than twitter (this itself is kind of an exercise in that), I just haven't gotten into the full swing because I've had poor time management and am still getting used to doing it. I want to express myself more to friends (both new and old). I feel like I'm so bad at managing communication with online friends; never reaching out to hang or initiating conversations. I can sometimes get intrusive thoughts born from jealousy or inferiority that make me feel insecure about some of the closest people I've ever known when the root of the issue is often just being bad at reaching out to them when they're usually free. Also, I just wanna play games w/ my friends more, even if I'm bad at it.

This is a new years resolution, but i wanna work out more. Specifically i wanna get back on that lower body routine I was on. In general I just want to boost my ass and thighs (my ass was never that skinny because i played hockey growing up, but there's potential i could be better exploring) and maybe trim my tummy a lil. I'm not actually all that dissatisfied with where I'm at now: soft at rest, but puffing out my chest will just barely give me that slightly buff look (for a guy) where the chest sticks out a lil bit further than the belly. My ideal is to sorta to be able to do both. I'm not too ambitious in going further than that, but I think I can reach that (or at least maintain where I'm at) if I can get on that basic lower body + cardio routine. Plus it'll get me more excited about cosplaying.

I wanna get more fem clothes and be more comfortable dressing fem around actual people. I want stuff that actually looks good together. I want to be confident enough to go outside in it and feel nice even if people are weird about it. I only went out once in a skirt and it was at 3 am walking down my street and back and i was basically just at critical-level-paranoid the whole time despite there being actually nobody else. It's something I've been interested in forever. I wanna be good at coordinating outfits in general; it's always looked fun, but depression, anxiety, and expectations about nerdy guys have always held me back.

I wanna get more fuckin sex toys. This is not in a down-on-myself-way, but, oddly enough, I'm a little ashamed that I'm a guy so late in my 20s that's explored so little of what I actually do to my body to get off. I should be a pro at rearranging my own guts by now. Like I'm confident in saying masturbating is kind of a hobby for me, I would do it even if I didn't have a sex drive that compels it because it's actually just fun for me. So I should treat it like a hobby where I actually learn about how to better please my body (as well as train it).

I wanna bake more. I can make bread now, I wanna be making that shit almost every week. I wanna bake more cookies. Cookies are one of the foods you can actually send through the mail so that means I cook actually send food out to friends and they could eat it. I could be actually making food for people and not be cagey about it! gotta learn what stuff they might actually like. But also for me. It's so satisfying just to be able to make the things you like, to be self-sufficient in that kinda way. I wanna learn how to cook more in general. There's a sense of control and power where you can just make your favorite things.

I wanna actually try writing fiction/fanfiction. Even if it's gunna be bad and cringe. I envy those who can do it even if it's written like a joke or done badly. I'd love to write stories, either about my own characters or just about my favorite ones from media. Specifically this year I've kinda learned about how good fanfiction can really be even when its sloppy or improvisational or the author doesn't feel good about it or all of the above. It's similar to cooking and baking where it feels like a magic power that you can actually learn how to do in this world.

#long post #anx-i-e-demons #zealthoughts #lel vent tag because some of this is definitely tmi #there's probably more I'm not thinking of but this is the jist of what i wanna work on this year #maybe try learning languages?#at this point I feel like I'm more likely to improve on that if I DON'T include that in my new years resolutions post #also looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong #please don't read this it's embarrassing

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x3kristax3 · 2 years

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Is This The End?

Chapter 10

Jake is waiting for me outside his car. He opens the door and closes it once I'm in. I watch him get in the car and he backs up once he's in drive he grabs my hand.

"Mc, I know I messed up three years ago. I let my demons get the best of me and messed up the best thing in my life."

"Jake, I feel like as much as…." I start to say as he cuts me off.

"Just listen to me please" he says looking at me as his hand moves from my hand to my thigh and squeezes.

I bite my lip and keep quiet. He always knew that when I wouldn't shut up, squeezing that spot on my thigh would do exactly that.

He smirks as he turns back to the road "I see that spot has the same effect".

"Only with you. Others tried and totally didn't shut me up," I say, staring at him.

"After I drove away that day I realized I needed to face my demons correctly." He sighs as his hand doesn't move. "I went and got help. It was a long process and I'm still working on it. However, they thought reaching out to my mom and you would be the best thing to start healing all of it together." I look at him with tears in my eyes.

"Jake, until after you left and I talked with your mom…." I say as I wipe the tears away. "I hadn't realized how bad those demons were. Not going to lie, it's why I still kept going around to see her and checking in on her. We had made a promise to each other that whoever heard from you first would tell the other one." I say as i3 look away to stop the tears.

He pulls over into a parking lot and grabs my face. "You have no idea how much it means to me that you continued being there for her these last three years. Along with Hannah and Lilly" he says as he leans towards me.

I feel a force pulling me towards him and I lean in and we kiss this time deep and messy. I pull myself away to stop myself from climbing in his lap.

"Jake, can you take me home?" I say looking into his eyes and I see the lust.

"I can't promise I'll be able to control myself if there isn't space between us." He states looking at me and I know what he's thinking.

"Let's finish talking and see where things lead. Because even though I don't trust you like I did, I still love you." I say looking into his blue eyes as he grabs my thigh again.

The drive back to my place is quiet but we feel the need to talk but don't want to. As we pull into the parking garage I have him park near where I normally park and my car isn't there yet.

I pull out my phone and pull up the chat with Jessy.

MC: Hey heads up Jake is at the apartment with me. We just got here with no idea what is going to happen.

Jessy online

Jessy: thanks. By the way you left a sad little boy here. He's still looking for you.

MC: Oh my god! I totally slipped with the whole thing going on. Tell him when I come by in two weeks I'll make it up to him.

Jessy: Okay I will and you better.

I look up and see Jake on his phone texting someone and my heart sinks as I thought this was going to be different and I get out of his car. As my phone goes off I look at it.

Jake: I couldn't put this into actual words. After years of dealing with those demons you're still the one that I want. You bring sunshine to my darkness and a feeling of home. I know I'll never deserve I am worthy of your love or be the man you truly deserve. Your still breathtaking. Your smile, your laugh, those brown eyes staring into my soul, and today seeing you with the kids I know you will be an amazing mother one day. MC I might feel I don't deserve you but you bring the best of me out and make me want to deserve your love.

I lean against his car as the tears fall as he's still sitting inside.

MC: Come here please.

I put my phone in my purse and take a sigh while I wait. It feels like a lifetime till he's standing in front of me looking at me with those blue eyes so full of love and I wrap my arms around his neck.

"Jake Miller.. you are everything I want. You add so much to my life. You make me see things I didn't see before. You were so closed off when we met and opened up to me in ways I didnt imagine. You showed me i was worthy of forever love." I see a smile on his face and I know he's about to get sad.

"Three years ago you broke my heart pushing me away and I didn't know why. I tried everything to fix that, including trying to date other hackers" I say with tears in my eyes. "None of them even came close to you. You are my one in a lifetime kind of love. I'm glad you got help but I wish you could have done it with me by your side. I didn't tell you that I was coming out then because I was also doing job interviews and looking at apartments,” I say looking down.

"Wait, you were looking to move out here then?" He asks, as he grabs my face to lift up so he can look in my eyes

"Yes, I knew you weren’t watching me closely because you would have seen the emails, the phone calls, the texts, the searchs in my web history. I had a sinking feeling you were fighting your demons but I never imagined knocking on your door and someone else would answer. " I say as the tears start streaming down again.

He pulls me away from his car and into his chest "lets go inside and talk okay?" He says rubbing his hand on my back as his other arm squeezes me close.

Once the tears stop he grabs a bag from his trunk and we head up the elevator. I unlock the door and turn off the alarm.

"I'll be right back I want to get out of this dress" as I take off my heels. I lose my balance while taking them off and Jake grabs my waist to steady me. Once they are both off I turn towards him again. I look up at him and bite my lip. His hand reachs for the back of my neck but I move away. "Ugh we shouldn't" I say walking away with my heels in my hands.

I walk into my room and lock the door. I lean against my dresser and my mind wonders.

Why does he still have this hold on me after everything? Dan is right I shouldn't allow him back into my heart this easily but I can't control myself.

I grab a pair of jean shorts and a comfortable tshirt as I get changed. I go into a box I have under my dresser of photos of him and I together and find a photo of the two of us.

He's standing behind me and his arms are wrapped around me. This was the day after he became a free man. I can't help but smile at the thought of that day. There's a knock on my door and I jump. "Shit, sorry '' I get up leaving the box on my dresser snd unlock it, opening it and he's right outside.

"Everything okay?" He was concerned because it took so long. I see a black shirt and jeans in his hands.

"Yeah, you can get changed in my bathroom" I say as I let him walk in.

He sees the box and asks "what is that?" As he grabs the photo on top that I was just looking at it.

"Photos of us and a letter I wrote to you after everything but never sent you." I say as I stand next to him and grab another photo. This one you can't see his face because it was before he was free but he's kissing my cheek and I have the biggest smile on my face. He looks at it and smiles.

"You pulled up the camera to check your makeup and I leaned against you. I could tell you wanted a picture of us together so badly so I reached forward and hit the button." He says with a sad tone.

"This was our first photo together. Even though I couldn't see your face in this photo until we got you free and took others it was my favorite." I say wiping a tear away.

"Why?" He looks at me and wipes another tear away.

"Because when I had tried to take others you always deleted them or got out of frame until this one. We were running for a bit and that night you got us a hotel room and ordered us Chinese. You had me laughing so much I was crying and when we needed to go somewhere. I checked myself not wanting to leave your side. You snapped it and it was so pure and innocent and melted my heart because I realized in that moment we could last through anything. Well I thought we could." I say as I grab the photos from both of us and put the box away.

"MC…" I hear him say as I have my back towards him.

I open the bathroom door "here you go" I say trying not to let myself fall head over heels for him again.

He doesn't say anything and heads in there.

#duskwood #duskwoodlover #duskwood fanfiction #writing #fanfic #everbyte duskwood #mc x jake #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood fandom #jake duskwood

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itssolonelyhere · 2 years

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If your doing a new one why can't you update your jokesaku or madasaku fics too?

Hi, anon. It's not quite that simple. I mean, I definitely should update/finish my older stories before starting new ones. There are eight of them sitting on the back burner... I never intended to be one of those writers that left fics unfinished or on hiatus, yet here we are. Now, I understand some of those writers a bit more since I actually began writing myself. It's not always that easy.

Here's the thing. I'm not the kind of person who can work on multiple projects at one time. God knows I've tried. I told myself and others I can do it. But I've concluded that all it does is stress me out and nothing gets done. I'm someone who can't sit still, is unorganized, can't focus for long periods of time, and is a mess at the end of the day. Yet I still try to write chapters that are between 5-11k because I'm a big dummy that can't reel it in. And dyslexia only makes it more difficult.

I work a full-time and part-time job. I have bills to pay and a place to take care of. A partner, demon children (my cats), family, and friends that need me. So when I do get a little free time, I want to spend it doing something I'm excited about. That tends to be my current fixation at the time. Which is also something I can't necessarily control. Believe me, I've tried. Being in the middle of a project and losing what was once an all-consuming fixation on a ship/piece of media is heartbreaking. I can try to rekindle the flame but unless it happens organically, I'm screwed.

That happened recently. My fixations can last months, even a year or more. The last one was MadaSaku again (HeisenSaku and JokeSaku before that). Then the passion for it whittled away, little by little, until I was left spending months just trying to finish one chapter. It's agonizing. Eventually, it comes back. It's just the time in between that's hard. I'd sit at my table for hours on days off, staring at a single chapter and drawing a blank. I couldn't get anything done. In return, I'd feel embarrassed to the point I didn't even want to go on Discord and talk to my online friends. It might sound silly, but that's how it is...

Right now, I'm sucked into the Eddissy ship for Stranger Things. Seeing the gifs and fanart of those two ignited the feeling I was missing. It motivated and inspired me to write again after another long dry spell. The same way the other ships I write for did previously. I don't know how long it'll last, but I want to ride the wave for as long as I can.

So with the limited free time I have available, I'd rather spend it working on something that I'm excited about and actually putting out content than forcing myself to stare at a blank screen for hours while slowly spiraling into a self-loathing mess. For free, might I add. The only reason I do any of this is because I enjoy writing garbage and love hearing from readers.

This wasn't meant to be so long, but I've been getting quite a few messages like this recently. Especially on FF.net. Like, I spent hours over multiple days working on and editing a 5k+ Eddissy chapter, then get a review/DM saying "Nice so when are you finally going to update your JokeSaku fic, huh?" and it's just so... disheartening. I get it. Some of you are here for JokeSaku, MadaSaku, etc. And it's not fair to leave you hanging on an incomplete fic. It just doesn't feel great to have someone basically say, "if you have time to work on this crap you like, then you should also have spare time to write the things I actually want to read." I don't know... This is just me explaining and rambling about what's going on from my end.

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sumeragi-hokuto · 2 years

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I fully understand if it’s impossible but do you plan on finishing this project?

Hi to you and everyone else still following this blog. It's probably been what, almost two years since I last posted anything?

Short answer: probably not, though I want to.

Long answer: So a lot happened. I got my laptop back after the water damage and everything was wiped. Everything. Not just TB. I DID have some backups of the raws for volume 5, but I lost the rest of the completed pages that I'd been working on which put me back several weeks. Combine that with the stress of starting a new semester of college with a broken laptop, in a new place, with COVID messing everything up... I basically lost all motivation to keep working on TB. Time passed and I got more and more guilty about not posting, so I told myself that I would just work in larger batches that meant when I did post, I could post a ton in order to make up for all the time when I did not. Of course, that started to stress me out too, and so all it meant was that I kept delaying everything even more because the idea of doing MORE than usual after being gone so long was so daunting I couldn't bring myself to make the first step. Time passed. I got a job and was doing both school and work, which took a lot of time, and ended up committed to a group that took 9 hours per week minimum. The semester went by, and the next, and then was my final semester and my thesis. Keep everything from before and add in *that* time commitment...

By the time I was ready to get back to TB, I'd graduated. And my school pulled my Photoshop license basically the second my diploma was in hand. Buying Photshop will take me $22-35 a month, and Adobe is so weird with their commitments and forcing you to keep it for a long time or putting a cancelation fee on you that I keep worrying I'll miss something in the fine print and end up having to pay way more than anticipated. So basically, trying to get Photoshop back would cost a lot of money that I don't exactly want to pay given how long I think it'll take me to do these scans. It's just me working on this. There is no one else. I have a lot of things I want to do in my life, and paying for another year or two of Photoshop will put me out a few hundred bucks that I would like to put in savings. I guess I could really buckle down and try to get huge chunks done at once, but I need some other life things to calm down a bit.

If this seems like excuses excuses...yeah. pretty much. I have a million excuses and none of them are great. I loved this project and it brought me a lot of joy, but now I've come to a financial decision that has kept me from coming back to this.

That and the other big thing, which was the idea of "Oh. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this." Because while I may not be earning any money by doing this, I'm also not paying anything to do this. The profits aren't going to CLAMP or anyone official. People are reading their material without them earning a single penny. And sure, I read every CLAMP manga I've ever read on unofficial online sites before buying them myself (so, I read without paying before I fell so in love that I did). But should I be doing this? What happens if CLAMP or whoever owns the licensing does a crackdown one day?

I'm already so far in it probably doesn't matter. I'm not going to go delete everything I've ever posted. So why not just finish what I started?

I think it comes down to shoving down the guilt of the absence and the worry of whether I should or shouldn't be doing this and figuring out financially (and time-wise) if it's truly worth it. Like I said, I loved this project. I love TB. I have a ton of fun making the pages. But it takes a lot. It will take more from me now than it ever has with the added financial burden and the fact that I have way more commitments than I did when I started (which was, I think, actually in high school. And here I am now with a college degree and a real world job).

So that's the long answer: Will I finish this? I don't know. I really want to. I just need to figure out a way to make it work. That'll require some shuffling on my part. Some figuring stuff out. Some weighing my options. I can't say yes because I don't want to promise something and not give it, which has historically been what I've done when promising more frequent updates that never increased in frequency.

So to both you and the few other people who've messaged me in this long gap, or to the ones who said such nice things when I first mentioned my broken laptop and losing everything and all the kind of sucky stuff that happened nearly 2 years ago now...Thank you for caring. It does mean a lot. It's really nice to know that people actually appreciated the effort I put in, and that they're still thinking about me (or at least, about what I can do for them). I've never stopped thinking about this blog. I used Photoshop for my thesis and every time I opened it I told myself, "maybe next time I open this will be for TB." It even was. I think I did one more set at some point, never posted because of that thing I mentioned about feeling guilty and wanting to make a mega post.

With that I'll finish off for now. Apologies for the giant blob of text. I don't feel like proofreading this right now. I still have stuff I need to get done today. Real life calls. I hope that one day I will be able to get back to this. I'm just not sure when, or if it's even feasible.

Thank you,

Mariyekos.

#not a set #ah.

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rat-father · 2 years

Text

Very long personal vent(?) about writing

Just needed to put it into words for myself

Writing stuff and coming up with characters and stories when I was a child was so much more fun then it is now

I remember that for a class we were required to come up with a story that had to be exactly 1 a4 page long on google docs, not any longer and not any shorter

And I was so upset that we weren't allowed to make it longer because I was having so much fun writing about these strange characters in this strange world doing weird things

I don't exactly remember the details of what it was about but I vividly remember it being something about a murderous fish with silver fish and a man living in a tower in the middle of the ocean, and something about them helping each other in some way

I had to leave that story on a cliff hanger bc I didn't have space to write more but I remember enjoying myself so much writing it

I also wrote fnaf fanfiction when I didn't even know what fanfiction was, and it was about the fnaf 1 characters finding a strange elevator in the kitchen which led down to the fnaf sister location

There was also the time I came up with a whole character backstory on a whim for a role play I was participating in

And now, mostly the last few months, it's just been so difficult for me to get myself to actually write stuff

I don't hate doing it, I don't necessarily hate the results but I'm not happy and excited the way I was years ago

Years ago I was waiting for my brother to be done using the family computer so I could get back to writing these silly stories and now I have to drag myself over to attempt and write a few words which I won't be satisfied with

And if I do finish writing something it doesn't bring the same joy

I love writing, I love my characters and I love posting it online but it feels limited and forced in way

I feel like subconsciously im forcing myself to fit my writing into a certain category or limit myself to certain tropes or something that's holding me back

I want to write silly stories about fish that kill people but I can't seem to come up with weird concepts like that anymore even though I *love* them

I love fever dream type stories which simultaneously make sense but also don't and are amusing and weird

But I also want to write more "character study" type stories, which explore certain concepts or things and are more rambles then stories which don't necessarily have a plot but are simply fun to read

I don't know why I don't write that stuff anymore, I dont know if I still *can*, the things I came up with as a child came so naturally I have to force it now if I want to imitate it and it upsets me

Writing stuff genuinely brought me so much pure joy, it was fun and made me happy while I was miles deep in depression

I haven't felt that raw joy from writing in so long and it's left me so unmotivated while I know that I love doing it

I love writing but it doesn't make me happy and it's frustrating

I don't know if I'm subconsciously forcing myself to write stuff closer to what I read on here or if I'm just mentally stuck in the past holding on to what isn't there anymore

Whatever it is, I don't want to stop writing, but I also don't feel a reason to continue

It's so genuinely exhausting to write nowadays, I physically can't do it without constantly yawning and my eyelids becoming heavy and I wish that was a joke

I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what I should do differently or if there's anything I can do but I just want to be happy, I want to feel excited at the thought of being able to write like I used to

I think it may have something to do with me joining the whump community as well, like I'm forcing myself to only come up with whump related content because that's what I love to read

And I love writing whump stuff and I love my whumpees but I also love silly goofy stories but I don't allow myself space for that type of stuff

I also feel that if I were to post writing completely unrelated to whump and completely self indulgent nobody would care or see it which is a bit upsetting

I definitely don't want to stop reading or writing whump but at the same time it might be holding me back a bit and that's not fun to think about or admit out loud

I truly do love it but lately it's been feeling dry and I think it has to do with the fact that whump has been my sole focus for so long that I'm yearning for something fresh

I was reading and writing whump so exclusively that I've just been overdoing it and the well has long run dry

I feel that if I take a break from whump altogether and focus on writing other type of stuff I might? spark interest in writing again, but I don't have any clue on where to start

The stuff I came up with as a child was so random and I have no idea on how to replicate it although I love it so much

#🐀

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colorisbyshe · 2 years

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I swear finding books that I enjoy for me is such a struggle because I went through a process (that lasted basically all my life) where I basically read everything that could make me sound intelligent and I found something I enjoyed and some things I absolutely despised (but forced myself to finish anyways )

Ever since I started trying to find books that actually fit my taste I went insane because literally I don’t know what to choose from

Every single booktok trend fucking sucked

Goodreads is nothing but regurgitated booktok trends

So now I actually follow a newsletter from an online book magazine published in my country and here and there I do find some interesting stuff (the last book I read and really liked was Hamnet by Maggie o Farrell that made me bawl my eyes out) , while some other recommendations from that magazine sucked

That being said , I would 100% try to rec you something I enjoyed if I feel like it’d fit your taste. Is there something you would absolutely not read ? Like genres/authors/ time periods you would absolutely not be interested in ??

Yeah, I follow a few publishers just to get book news but mostly I just text my friends every once and a while about what they've read recently. And then I think "WO WTHOSE SOUND GREAT!" and then let them down by never reading them because my attention span is that of a new born rat who has only been fed sugar and shrooms.

I'm pretty open minded about genre and time periods. I just do not enjoy grim dark shit that has nothing to say outside of "life sucks" or "I have lots of political intrigue where the message is 'every side sucks in some way' but don't have anything to actually say about politics/society."

I do prefer faster paced reads but can get down with soemthing more meandering if it has really good character dynamics within it. I do lean more towards fantasy over like... historical stuff but a good book is a good book.

I do prefer for the books to be focused on adults though. I don't mind some teenage focus but a lot of them tend to focus on like Coming of Age a as theme and like... I've come and gone of age, y'unno? I've been there. I understand the themes cause I've lived them.

#I can handle tragic/political stuff #it just has to MEAN something #y'unno?#needs some MEAT not just SADNESS #or squabbles

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wazu-horo · 3 months

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Things that make me weird (Pt. 1)

Going to counseling and getting on medicine is fine and dandy, until it clears the fog away (little by little) and you realize how weird you actually are.

I have a lot of things "wrong" with me; body not functioning correctly, busted up nerve bundles, and now my brain is whack.

Once upon a time, I was an unsupervised child on the late 90's world wide web. And as many of my millennial friends can attest, god damn what a wild fucking world. In fact, 90% of my friends were all online, long distanced friends. But I loved them so much, as equally as my friends at home.

So what makes this weird? I'm getting to it. I'm bad at talking.

I did not by any means grow up in the worst household, but it wasn't ideal. You could say I grew up with a narcissist mom and a dad who was never around unless it benefited him? Or, I was an undiagnosed autistic/AuDHD child who had no idea what was going on around them, expected to know, and be punished for doing wrong on the first try? That last one might have been an exaggeration but something to touch back on later. I bring up my youth to talk about my parents, and how I never learned how to love right, and my attachment issues. I was home alone a lot from 11 up. All the company I had was on instant messengers. My dad would only see me every-other-weekend, and maybe one or two of those days. I also spent my weekends on the internet. I seldom spent time at my friend's houses unless it was a special occasion. My consistent life was on the internet. Onto the next problem!

My first romantic relationships were all online. I say "all" there, but I would say there were 2 "serious" relationships. And they were very, very, so very nice. I felt like, I could get through anything. I felt like I was on top of the world. Then my junior year of high school happened. (*to add, I was bullied severely through school and only had a very very tight knit of friends) I met someone in school, we clicked immediately. We dated, my first kiss, my first ""real"" any of the things you expect. And I had to end it with the long distance boyfriend (yep, I was that fucker. I dated HighSchoolCrush a few times and then broke up with OnlineBoyfriend.). Supposedly, we said we'd still be friends. Don't know how that happened. Me and my new partner would continue to finish school, attend the same college (and drop out), they enlisted in the Air Force and we got married at 20 & 22. Suddenly I'm having adventures in a new state, learning how to socialize around complete strangers, manage a house, learn to drive (yes I only got my license at 21 please...), and I'm wrapped up in a whirl wind of real life and struggling to maintain appearances. My internet persona was fading. For a while, I went without a computer and my only entertainment was console games (which at the time, I was more than happy with because I was so god damn tired all the time). It faded, for... years. Eventually we returned back "home", to our friends and family and I felt a weight lift off of me, except for the fact we were living with my mom again. And I started getting back on the internet a little more. My internet friends had moved on it seemed.

Hey, are we going to get to the part about, why you made this in the first place? Yes.

My ex boyfriend for some unexplained beautiful reason gifted me Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood. Stay with me here. Blud bought me Stormblood because it was on sale and as an attempt to get me back online (since we had a history of playing MMOs together). Let's be clear: he was in his own committed relationship, it was truly a friendly gesture. WELL. I FUCKED IT UP. I, LISTEN. LOOK. I FUMBLED THE BAG. WHY? Because I found myself suddenly infatuated again. hard. Which made things very difficult for me. (Also because I didn't want to take the time to learn something new and just gave up- Like college!) Back to the problem at hand: did I still love him? Did he still love me? Well, it has to be right? No it's fine we're just friends, we can be just friends, because he's cool with it, I can be cool with it, right? WRONG. Not long after playing it for a few days, I brought up the idea of polyamory. WELL. Some people don't want to hear that on week 3 of talking to their ex again, so!! You can guess what happened next.

You see, the short of the long is, if somebody, anybody, is too kind to me for too long, I develop, feelings. And now that I have had time to chew on it for a few years recent, I think I might have figured it out. To a point.

As a friend put it, I love too hard, which is a beautiful way to put it. I have such a rocky understanding of what love is that it's incredibly difficult to differentiate all the kinds of love there are. I think I got familial (family) love down. Through my years of trying to figure this out, I've always said "If someone, anyone, is too nice to me, I will start to get a crush." Which is absolutely true, it was a common variable in all of it. Then I developed this fucking habit of telling these people who are so kind to me that I'm so warmed up to now all of my fucking problems and trauma dumping on the poor people. And those who stick around? God help them. It was meant to be.

"WAZU SLOW DOWN!" I hear you scream. Well I certainly didn't in the past!

I love too much. I have a lot of love to give. I love weird. I love them, I can't help it, I don't know why. I just love, wrong.

I'm at a weird place where I keep asking myself, "am I in love with all of my friends?" and I think the answer, is, yes?

I love my married spouse so much, they truly are my other half (even on most occasions I want to wring their neck but that's for a different journal post). Through our 16 years together and almost 12 married, we've learned a lot, we've grown up together, supported each other, and who could ask for a better friend than that? But what if, you have friends who would just do the fucking same? But what if, you would also do all of that stuff and/or more for the friends you have?

I have friends who I would never do, how do I put it... I have friends who I certainly wouldn't do marital things with, but would follow them to the ends of the earth. Sometimes my friends give me little flutters in my heart that they don't know about. I want to tell these people every little detail of my life, and hear about every second of theirs. And...and!!... Sometimes! I want to hold their hand, or go on dinner 1 on 1, snuggle up with... go to sleep with.

And before anything gets taken out of context, no I am not trying to "sleep" or have sex to put it bluntly with my friends.

And if you're still gonna take it out of context, DMs are open.

I've been typing too much and now my brain is getting off track.

Listen. The moral of this post is that I love wrong. I'm in love with my friends and that's not how things should be. And I feel that it stems from the lack of security I had as a child, a mom who didn't hug me and a dad who was never there, home alone with the computer and friends on the other end. I love my friends, too much, but I still love them.

But it's hard to not be in love with them. I don't understand, and I wish I could be a little less weird.

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