#i wonder if i really deserve this much love in my life.

[werecreature-addicted]

Someone who starts to become a little worried that with how rough and animalistic their werewolf partner becomes during sex that they're not really themselves or of human intelligence in the moment.

So in the middle of the act they ask their werewolf to "prove that they're still themselves". The werewolf then proceeds to growl out their partners praises, listing every reason they love them and how much the mean to them. With every word causing them to fuck them even harder and more passionately than before; desperate to give their beloved a time of their life they so clearly deserve.

it's not that you don't love having sex with your boyfriend like this- you love the primal way he takes you growling in pleasure in your ear. it's just you aren't sure that it really is your boyfriend. You love the feeling of his claws digging into your skin as he gropes you and pulls you back against his hips as you weakly try to escape his rough thrusts.

"don't run from me I'm not done with you" he snarls his sharp teeth snapping at your shoulder as he rolls his hips pushing his cock deep enough inside you that your thighs tremble, his full knot pressing against your entrance, not quiet pushing inside of you. he doesn't want to cum yet, he's using your pussy to edge himself. the harsh growl of his voice sends a shiver down your spine.

You wonder how much he remembers when he shifts. it always seems to be a bit of a blur when he comes back to his more human side. you reach up and cup his inhuman face as best you can. He presses his face into your hand.

"It's you right?" you ask, huffing a little. he cocks his head to the side a little confused.

"Of course it's me."

"Prove it," you ask. He slows for a moment, still buried deep in your fluttering cunt, he presses his forehead against yours.

"pretty girl, was I too rough with you? do I seem more like a monster than a man right now?" he asks softly, in the softest voice you'd ever heard him use, he hooks one of your legs around his arm and pushes it up to your chest so he can thrust deeper into your much-abused cunt.

"it's me, love, and it's you. god, it's you," he breathes as if you are the most precious thing in the world. "look at you, my pretty thing so perfect for me, love you so much I'm so lucky you're mine, you are mine right? let me hear you say it," he pleads. the soft way that he praises you, the needy way he wants to claim you, this is much more like him, the werewolf that you know and love.

"i'm yours," you say easily, because you are his, mind body, and soul.

#monster imagine #monster fucker #monster boyfriend #monster #teratophillia #werewolf #werewolf x reader #werewolf boyfriend #werewolves

[xenteaart]

contemplating mediocrity

pairing: idol!chan x reader (gn but written with f!reader in mind) word count: 0,9k genre/warnings: er, hurt to comfort, use of "baby", self-doubt, honestly not much else, pretty pg-13 author's note: heavily inspired by @withleeknow 's last seungmin fic, i couldn't handle the angst and needed to comfort myself fkdjfkdjfk. also it kinda made me reflect on why it hurt so bad so i guess this fic is a little support and comfort thingy for everyone who might not be feeling "enough". before reading you might wanna check out the inspo fic itself <3

“baby? what’s wrong?” 

ah, he’s always too quick to notice. 

you take your eyes off the laptop and put a video of 3racha’s festival performance on pause.

“nothing. you guys did a wonderful job, truly. ’m just… contemplating my mediocrity.”

“what?” he’s more just taken aback than anything else but you read it as irritation.

it’s one of those days when everything feels extra sensitive, even the things you can deal with well on a regular day.

“what? chris, baby, i’m not being self-deprecating, it’s just a fact. i truly could not be more proud of you, but sometimes i just can’t shake off the feeling of not doing enough compared to you. 

it warms my heart to know that you are so so loved and respected, it really does. but, i guess.. it’s a little humbling too? i haven’t achieved anything nearly as grand and i don’t have thousands of people cheering for me after i do as much as breathe. which you totally deserve, by the way, i’m not saying you don’t.”

long silence follows as chris frowns, carefully crafting his next response while you’re already starting to regret you opened your mouth at all. maybe, some things should be kept to yourself. maybe, it’s not really necessary to share every dark thought that comes to your pained mind after midnight. maybe, it’s safer for your relationship to just move those conversations to a cozy zoom meeting with your therapi—

“that’s a skewed perception of our dynamic though, baby.” 

oh, shit. he has the look. you know this one too well, and it says “i’m not letting this slide and we’re talking this through”. 

“how so?” you feel tired and discouraged already, mostly annoyed at yourself for making your boyfriend come up with some nonsense points to make you feel better now. 

“don’t put me on a pedestal. firstly, i think you’re forgetting how many people there actually are behind what we’re doing. daily. i’m talking all the staff and production teams, makeup, hair, clothes, art direction, schedule management. everything. there is literally a whole division for us that makes us look the way we look and helps us do what we love.”

you stay quiet, blinking slowly and pursing your lips together. 

“which isn’t to say we don’t work hard or that we haven’t achieved anything, but it wouldn’t have been possible without all that help. 

secondly, in my daily life i’m just a guy, baby. literally just a guy who loves music. nothing fancy,” chan gives you one of those wide soft smiles, and you hear your heart break a little. 

“yeah, well, not every guy who loves music has the amount of awards and recognition you do, baby.”

“okay, where is this truly going?”

there it goes.

“sometimes i worry i just can’t match it? that you’ll get bored of me because i’m not over the top extraordinary or... whatever.”

you feel stupid. 

“so you think i’m with you for your so-called achievements?”

you can’t come up with a response, so he continues, gently hugging you from behind and resting his chin on your shoulder. his favorite way of making you feel loved. 

“i’m with you because you’re my sense of normalcy, baby. you calm my mind when it’s racing too fast. you’re my safe little harbour where i can find peace after hectic schedules and loud noises and crowds. you ease the weight i carry on my shoulders every day.” 

you stay silent, focusing on the feeling of his warm breath on your cheek. the tip of his nose is touching your skin lightly.

“you love the regular channie. you kiss my puffy swollen face in the mornings, and those kisses make me wonder if i’m actually not that bad without all the makeup on after all. you laugh at my jokes and cuddle me when i get needy. you listen to my darkest nastiest thoughts and never judge me for feeling whatever it is i’m feeling. 

what i’m getting at is that... i can just be me around you, you know? that’s why i’m still here. and i feel so proud to have a partner with a big warm heart and a strong mind, honored to be cared for by someone so neat and beautiful in the most mundane things.

do you really think i’d measure my love and respect for you by something like fame or... some noble achievements?”

“i don’t know,” you sound even more confused than at the beginning of this suddenly serious conversation, caught off guard by chan’s words, but mostly — his tenderness towards you. his patience and the way he's willing to spell it out for you if you're feeling too low to see the whole picture yourself.

"well, then i’m telling you. that is just not the case. you’re already everything i could ask for, baby. someone passionate, honest, reliable, loving and kind. someone who holds my hands through the hard days and makes me laugh on the good days. simple as that."

the pressure on your chest is slowly fading as chan's words finally sinking in, finding their ways into your system and rendering as the truth. the ache isn't completely gone but you know it will be in the morning, when the sunrise washes the rest of your worries away.

for now, you turn around in chris's embrace and hide your nose in the crook of his neck, simply breathing and enjoying the lingering scent of his soap. skin to skin.

#skz x reader #skz bang chan #bang chan x reader #chan x reader #chan x you #bang chan x you #skz imagines #my fic #stray kids #stray kids fanfic #bang chan stray kids #skz x you #chan x female reader #bang chan x female reader #stray kids bang chan

[kim-the-miserable-rat]

CITIZENS, yesterday I saw an hour and a half MONOLOGUE ABOUT GRANTAIRE where he talked about the revolution -and his cynicism-, Enjolras (GOSH I SWEAR THOSE WERE THE BEST PARTS) and his past.

IN THE MONOLOGUE, HE THINKS HE'S INSIDE A CONSCIOUS DREAM WHILE SLEEPING IN THE BARRICADES (spoiler: he was dead all along) AN YOU CAN SEE HIM WONDERING INSIDE HIS MIND, FINDING OBJECT THAT ARE ASSOCIATED WITH IMPORTANT THINGS IN HIS LIFE (a canvas, wine, Enjolras vest...) AND DURING THE MONOLOGUE YOU HEAR SHOTS AND GRANTAIRE GROWS MORE AND MORE CONCERNED WITH LES AMIS, TRYING TO REACH THEM (begging them to wake him up, to stop the revolution, telling them he'll stop drinking if that means that they will not leave him alone).

It was in Spanish, but I translated some of the quotes I liked and I'm gonna share them with you -please forgive me if the translations are shitty, im doing my best-:

"YOU BECOME A CYNIC ONCE YOU SHED YOUR LAST TEAR"

"who is more coward, the one who prefers to refuse change and save his life or the one who prefers a paradise even if it means the comrades with whom he's fighting it for must die? A PARADISE WITHOUT COMRADES CAN HARDLY BE CALLED A PARADISE"

I truly believed in you. I believed you blindly. There was no greater joy than seeing myself believing in what you believed so strongly.

The brilliance of your gaze was much more intense and convincing than any argument and if you said that misery would end I believed you.

I looked and listened to you talking; and then, Enjolras, I believed once more."

"Now that I'm dead, I feel like I must ask you: would you choose me over your Patria? You don't have to respond, I already know the answer. I just wanted to hear myself asking it out loud.

I know I can't ask for love from somebody who has sworn eternal love... And regardless, I'll never deserve such a pure heart as yours." (All of this is a conversation he has with Enjolras vest, FYI)

"At that moment I wished I were a national guard, so I could pierce your heart with a spear, to make you feel the pain that I felt in my own heart, if there's really something beating in your chest" (Talking about how he felt after the "you are incapable of believing" incident with Enjolras)

"maybe my friends were the reason I died today, in these barricades; but without them I would have died a long time ago"

"I woke up surrounded by corpses which I didn't dare to identify; and then I saw you.

You were the only survivor, and standing there, surrounded by those armed guards, you were worthy of being in a painting of Delacroix"

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Maybe someday I'll try to make an edit with the best parts with captions in english for y'all.

Here's the link for anyone interested:

#les miserables #the brick #les mis #grantaire #enjolras #enjoltaire #monologue #Youtube

[transgirltrish]

to delete if I remember

#dont mind me. #i cant currently afford therapy and im not sure how to shift these feelings to comedy so im just gonna vent into the tags #i wonder if i really deserve this much love in my life. #do i really deserve 2 gfs who love me as incredibly as mine do? #do i really deserve to be greedy and ask two other girls to also be my gf? #i know figuring out if people really deserve love is dumb and everyone deserves to be loved #but a part of me says thats just cuz everyone else deserves it and i dont #part of me says i dont have enough interesting about me to warrant this many gfs #part of me also thinks i shouldn't be trying to date like this when i have no income/money #i know I'm probably fine #but imposter syndrome is a bitch and a half so these thoughts persist

[roselise]

hi hi lovely amazing friend!! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

⁠ ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི💗 ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི💗 ⁠ ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི💗⁠ ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི

Just wanted to check in on you and say I hope you’re having the best of days! I read something the other day, it said: “Don’t let a few rain drops make you believe you’re in a rainstorm ☀︎︎☂︎︎“ It really stuck with me!! Because there’s been times when I let small things affect my entire day!

⁠ ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི💗 ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི💗 ⁠ ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི💗⁠ ྀི﹌﹌﹌ ྀི

How have you been lately? I hope very good! And remember not to let anything dim your light!! ( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ ) Take care lovely!! ˚₊‧꒰ა🎀໒꒱ ‧₊˚

🤍 ⋆ ࣪˖ : ♡ ε🧸з ♡ : ˖ ࣪⋆🤍

♡ 🎀 ⊹ . ˚ 🍓

⊹ * 🧸 ˚ . ♡ ⊹ ˚ 🎀

♡ 🎀 ⊹ . ˚ 🍓

🧁 . ˚  *   .   🤍 My beloved friend ~ !!!

Eeee !! My heart !!! ˗ˏˋ ♡ ♡ ♡ ˊˎ-

What a blessing it is to see you! :D

And that you thought to share this ?? You’re so wonderful, and have brought such a genuine smile to my face .. thank you so very *very* much for caring !!

*Giving you a big big squeeze right now ~ !!!*

This is such a treasure to me, and when I am feeling down — I know I will absolutely remember this, my friend ♡ ♡ ♡

(Honestly, this makes *such* a difference! Just knowing I have a friend who cares is truly more than I could ever ask for, and I am feeling so happy in my heart right now ♡)

I have had some ups and some downs the past few months I suppose I’ll say, but I am doing ok and finally able to be here and speak more !!

(Although lately it’s not life or responsibilities taking up my time — it’s my new puppy! She’s only three months old and a tiny fuzzy ball of mischief, and I love her so so much !!)

What about you though ?? Tell me how you’ve been please !! I’d truly love to know how you are, and what wonderful things you’ve been up to ♡ ♡ ♡

Sending you all my happiest hugs, sweetest cupcakes, and *prettiest* fairy dust just for *YOU*! So please stay safe, sweet and super special .. and have the best day ever ~ !!!!

♡ . ˚  *   .  ε🤍з

🎀 ⊹ . ˚ 🍓

🧁 ♡ * 🧸 ˚ . ♡ ⊹ ˚ XOXO

#♡ #ask #this was so precious to me ; ; #i am filing this away in my mental keepsake box c: #and giving you the biggest hug !! #thank you so much for checking on me ! c: #my life can be a lot with my dad and how things are sometimes #but it truly means so much to have such a wonderful friend ♡ #and it really makes a difference ♡ #so now i would like that for YOU !! #yes you !! you should have ALL the love and happiness my friend !!! #and lots of blessings and good things for your day and sweet treats and so much more !!! #cus you deserve it !!! #these are FACTS !!! c: #sending hugs and a million joyful thoughts your way !!! #please take care - stay safe - and continue being the amazing sweet and truly special person you are ~ !!! c: #xo ! ♡

[arsenicflame]

i do think being unconditionally loved is an experience that can be so so healing actually. it cant ever fix anything alone but to feel loved and valued and considered is something that makes carrying burdens just that little bit easier. to trust that youre someone they think about when youre not around, because they tell you. to feel like youre someone important to them because they tell you. to feel safe in knowing youre not being too intense, too annoying, too much, because everything you offer is offered right back without a seconds hesitation. this isnt something i ever thought id get to have, but i found it when i wasnt even looking. and no, it still isnt easy. it doesn't change most things. but it gives you a reason to try.

#not to get sappy or anything #nyxtalks #feelings warning ahead #i don't know i guess im all up in my feelings but. just knowing someone thinks about me when im not around has been kinda life changing #it seems so silly. to put so much weight on just 'hey youre not here but i wanted to tell you this' #but i genuinely mean it when i say that i didnt think id ever have it. that i thought it was asking too much to expect people to remember #i exist when im not actively forcing my presence on them. but she makes it feel like the easiest thing in the world to do #and it makes me want to believe that i deserve that because shes one of the most wonderful people ive ever had the pleasure of knowing #and if /she/ can see that in /me/ then who am i to tell her shes wrong? #i do still worry about so much. i do still think horrible things about myself. those things dont just go away #just because of a little consideration. but i want to see the person she sees. i want to be worthy of the love she shows me #i wish i could tell the person sobbing on their bathroom floor in January about how she doesnt stop. how she manages to be everything #you could possibly want without ever even asking. #i dont want to misrepresent how hard it still is. its not changed. but i think i value myself just a fraction more now #talking to her has also helped my understand myself a lot. introspect on so many things #maybe its not the healthiest take to want to be doing better for somebody elses sake but. #is wanting to do her proud really so bad?

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

#….love being in the middle of having a good time and the having it all ruined by randomly being called sensitive #like wtf did I do????? #i was randomly making fun of someone on this reality show and my sister’s STUPID bf was randomly like #‘youre sensitive too so….’ #i dunno why he randomly decided to ruin my fun time #fuck I didn’t even do anything #and then he was like ‘what are you being sensitive? :)’ when he noticed I was mad #yeah I guess I’m proving his point by being hurt #but I dunno why he did that I thought we were having a good day #i dunno what to do cus ky sister is getting mad that I’m upset and don’t wanna talk about it #but lowkey I’m about to cry so I don’t wanna do that in front of him #i dunno what I did to deserve being attacked like that #now I have to be the little pet and pretend to be happy so I can entertain everyone #i dunno what to do I’m just SO over everyone and life #everything is really just too much #yeah I am sensitive oh gee I wonder why that is??? maybe it’s the fucking autism??????? #I’m so SICK of these neruotypical people

[noxtivagus]

the night sky was so pretty..

#🌙.rambles #the sky was so clear n #the night was cold yeah but it wasn't too much for me. i'm used to the cold #n the stars were.. so bright. i recognized some constellations n planets n #it's. been so long since i saw the night sky as clearly as that n i felt like crying a bit ngl #i'll forever remember the sight i saw tonight. of how i missed it so much. n the many times i've imagined n dreamed of it #finally i.. was under that night sky again. n time stopped for me then n i felt like myself. renewed hope. remembrance. #warmth despite the cold. n. oh my god i'm at a loss for words rn i'm so sleepy but yeah #to my dismay the moon wasn't seen but. the night sky was still so beautiful #one day i rlly want to just stargaze w my family again properly. w my friends n. someday one day with a significant other as well #i'm so happy hfksjfsjfs it's been so long since i saw the night sky so clearly n it means so much to me 🥹 #i'll sleep early tonight. i want to be up by dawn tomorrow #i'll always remember this night fr hfkjsfjsjjfs 🥹🤍 please.. please please let me remember that moment forever #edit/ i'm rlly so happy rn i feel like crying bcs last night i.. felt so. nvm i'll move forward from then. i'll remove these tags #n focus on doing better instead forging onwards to the future. n last night will always be a reminder. but seeing the stars tonight i.. #i'll still hope! i'll hold on! the sight of the stars tonight make me dream of a better me. they remind me of who i really am #i think i'll sleep early tonight i. i deserve that rest. today was good. #words i have rn aren't enough for me to convey just how much the night n the sky n the stars n. rlly just all of that mean to me :<< #ever since i was young n. honestly just rlly throughout my whole life. yeah. too personal for here though #i wish the wonder n love i felt under the night sky tonight wld last forever. even w its cold i found warmth. w apollo n my family n #one day.. you? if you ever wanted that. if you ever imagined it. one day i know i'll feel this way again. i'll hold unto myself until then. #n one day we'll meet under the night sky n i'll be glad i chose to hold unto myself n continue to forge ahead #ohh last thought yk next time i'll bring a proper camera too ehe i just used my phone this time >< #i just love love capturing memories n keeping them to myself n remembering n reminiscing. #i'm so tempted to write some stories or ideas or wtvr but i think i'll remember what i felt earlier tonight forever. #it rlly means a lot to me for. so many reasons. i'll sleep early tonight since i want to be up for dawn!!!! so. gn <3 #i miss the dawn i used to know so well just as much as i missed the same night sky i saw tonight. feels like i'm living in a dream rn #but this.. i guess a scar yeah. its meaning is different from last night n that means the world to me. a reminder i'm still alive. #i can dream n think n write more another day but tonight i hope i'll sleep in peace #there's more i want to do but.. i think i'll just do this for myself this once. yeah. so gn please take care n i'll see you on the morrow

[corv-idae]

Working on urself as a person is so hard and difficult but I am going to do it anyway

#writing a whole bunch today after I got home #truly I had a great day #it was wonderful !! just lots to think about when I got home #sometimes you think something was very good for what it was worth but the more you talk about it the more the rose coloured glasses come off #I’m like yeah it was great for what it was #but the more I talk to people and REALLY talk to them about it I realize how much of my life #i wasted and put on pause and lived a shadow of for years because of it #it was unintentional and harmless at first but left very ln #very long lasting issues in me that I will forever be so angry I let myself love with for so long #i did not deserve to let myself hurt like that #and I did it for so long so silently I was convinced everything was just fine !! better than fine!!! #i was a shut in!! i was at home desperately throwing myself into sleeping or working and being alone #i had no friends and the friends I did have I always knew were never really like #acknowledging that I went through a trauma #idk writing about it is odd but seeing it be written down is better

[elytrafemme]

i wonder if it’s strange, but something i find so fascinating to study is corruption in authority & moral conundrums in law. like i was talking to my brother and father about this but the reason that i want to go into law is because i’m fascinated with the concept and eternal question of what prompts you to defend a guilty person (especially tied with the question of does defending a guilty person defend more people than just that person?) and like. i really love studying corrupt governments not because it depresses me but because i find hope in figuring out where the root of that corruption is and how we as people can work to lessen it. 

i guess it’s less strange when i write it out but i dunno. these things don’t depress me or fill me with existential fear. i find them really exciting actually.

#nightmare.personal #i think one of the best things w the legal point is examining amendment 4 #because there's so much there in the guidelines of searches & seizures #that are just. really really really interesting #also the sex offender registry and the abuse of it. which is significantly more uncomfortable for me to think about #for personal reasons inherent to. you know. but it's just. interesting to look at #how every person is deserving of rights and how we oh so frequently toe the line where we begin to take it away from people #actually within that. do we deserve rights or do we just. need rights. like where is the delineation #because deserving implies that there's a point where you couldn't deserve it #and that's why things are so shaky . why people are treated inhumanely #i don't know. very interesting to me. #can never decide if i want to become a psychologist or go into constitutional law but i guess i'll find out through college #psychology is interesting too because the psychiatric field has so many flaws within it #i would love to research to reduce stigmatization and dehumanization of people w psychiatric disorders #would also love to just. be a therapist and see people and help them out or offering a listening ear and all of that #at the same time i want to do constitutional law because there's so many fascinating moral questions as i just said #but also being a journalist would be interesting but i guess that kind of slots with law as #somethhing i'll do on the side for probably the rest of my life #isn't the future so incredibly wonderful to think about? like it's scary because so much can go wrong #but this is my life. figuring out where my life goes is just. it's so interesting

[marshmelonfluff]

ignore me yall just gonna use the tags as a journal for feelings over a creator/minor celebrity passing away

#i feel so... listless. lost. unreal #i have work today so i have a great excuse to avoid social media but #my focus is shot and i keep finding myself back at the same thoughts as before #sighing and thinking this doesnt feel real #like damn. he was my age #so many things he never got to do and people he never got to see and its just. not fair ya know? #i keep just thinking to myself technoblade is dead. hes really gone. like fuck man #i kept hoping. that it wasn what i thought it was when i watched the video #but life isnt that kind #for the first time in a long time i found myself legitmately thinking on faith again #and i hope i beg that there is something peaceful and quiet after death bc he deserves it #such a kind wonderful funny dedicated and loving person has been lost #and if this is how I feel i cant imagine how hard this is for his family and friends #i hope there is peace afterwards. i hope he can rest. i hope he knows how much he was loved. i hope i hope i hope #and by god technoblade will never die bc we'll never stop remembering you

[please-picturemeintheweeds]

all the conversations on my dash about marriage are soooo interesting to me!! I talked to my partner’s mom last night about my intention to propose to her son this week and one of the things we talked about was how there’s this really insidious aspect of white feminism that convinces us that marriage and family are shameful or stupid to want because the real things in life are outside the home (ie. working under capitalism). That belief has historical roots in anti blackness and the split between white feminists and black feminists back in the 60s/70s. And idk it’s just so interesting to see how my mom, who raised me with a very strong foundation of second wave feminism, influenced my perception of pursuing my own happiness in ways that feel authentic to me! I love hard! And I want to be surrounded by love for the rest of my life! But in the back of my head, the entire six years of my relationship, her voice has been saying “you don’t need a man, marriage is not something to aspire to because it makes you weak and dependent.” Which is just so interesting bc she’s never said those exact words, but that’s the messaging that we get from second wave/white feminism. The thing is that I DO need other people! Nobody is actually independent, and it is a myth created by capitalism to fracture communities so that every single person is financially motivated to secure their own safety/basic needs without ever needing to rely on anyone else! Everybody needs their own personal house, car, furniture, dishes, electronics, etc because sharing is inherently “undeveloped”.

I was talking to my therapist about this recently and I brought up New Romantics, and how being a young adult in a cultural setting informed strongly by second wave feminism really convinced me (and a lot of people) that the Liberated way to be a woman was to not care about seeking that life-long stability in a partner. That to be free meant never opening yourself up to the vulnerability of a marital commitment. Which then leads into the lavender haze thinking of “the only kind of girl they see is a one night or a wife” which, by self-gaslighting, devalues marriage (she’s valid for this! We should not be put in boxes like that!).

Idk I just have been thinking a lot about the right to legally unite families, and how much power that union can have, and that there is in fact nothing Wrong with wanting to exercise the political right to choose your family. And I know, having worked with hundreds if not thousands of domestic violence survivors, how dangerous marriage can be. Being legally and financially bound to someone, especially if you haven’t been working outside the home during your marriage, can truly fuck up a person’s life and their ability to leave a situation. Idk I’m just thinking out loud, but to tie this all back into the conversations on here the last few days about Taylor and Travis, I just think that for some people, the reflexive horror at her potentially being engaged could be coming from a similar place of devaluing the pursuit of family/love in the context of a white feminist capitalist culture, which harms us all.

The revolution starts at home! And that doesn’t mean that nobody should be making commitments to each other ever!! And nobody should be forced or coerced into lifelong commitments, either. Pursuing and entering a marriage with someone who respects you, empowers you, wants to work together towards a shared vision of the future, listens to you, and shares responsibilities with you is an AMAZING thing! And as my partner’s mom said so simply to me last night: it deserves to be celebrated!!

#Marriage #relationships #feminism #c #And like…. To be super on the nose… the fact that my family had two patriarchs (my mom and dad both pursuing capitalistic success)… #Meant quite literally that I was exposed to really extreme child abuse because neither of them were around hardly at all! #Which is not to say that my mom should’ve just stayed home to care for me #But that capitalism very actively destroys lives and subjects us all to horrors by virtue of dismantling communities #And unifying families for the purpose of creating a stronger community (through marital commitment) is a really important right #Just like the right to get divorced is! #And idk I’m glad that Taylor wasn’t married to joe bc that would’ve made things so much harder to escape from #But that’s not a blanket statement about marriage and it doesn’t mean her current relationship is doomed #It means that there was something in her and joes minds that prevented them from taking that step and bc of the rerecords #And other life circumstances #Taylor was sort of forced to confront those issues and do a self autopsy where she reached some important conclusions about how/why she ten #To make herself small/accept love she thinks she deserves etc #And she’s clearly done the work to investigate those things and heal from them #And now she’s with someone who understands those things and wants to support her in being her best self! It’s wonderful!!!

[painted--constellations]

back to being angry

#i was literally just not here dude #my memories are all fucked up from the last several years #like i really don’t think i’ve been conscious since i was like 16 #a lot happened that summer that really fucked me up #and don’t even fucking get me started on seventeen #i just don’t know how to exist with the things that i did and life i built. #i am so fucking grateful i found a partner so wonderful and most of the moments i have been present have been with him #i just wish i could restart our time together #where we are now #just do everything over with the communication skills i have now and the healing i’ve done #i’m so fucking glad i met him so young but fucking god i wish i had time to heal my unhealthy bits before him #it fucking sucks dude #i know i am just a person and just doing my best but he deserves better than what i was and that fucking sucks #and he literally feels the same way but i feel like mine is worse!!! #i just. love him more than anything. he is everything i want in the rest of my life #i don’t give a shit what is around us as long as i can laugh with him and cuddle up with him #we make every space we reside in into a home #just because we are a family #and i love my family so much. we are healing together and growing together #i just really appreciate him and wish i had done things differently #i know nothing can be changed but i hate that i have to live with all of this when it feels like i didn’t make the choices #but i did i guess. #*shrugs*

[spittingstar]

eowax

#i guess i am sad that the person i removed from my life just accepted that they won't be in my life without a word #but then again ofc i would be sad the person i am in love with doesn't like me so much that he is okay with just walking fully away #also #i stand correct in calling him a coward emotionally since he said nothing since it shows he can not even write a measly response #like a normal person in order to communicate respect #but if he does not respect himself enough to admit how he feels abt anything then how could he ever show that for anyone else #also i deserve friends who don't make me feel like i'm crazy for being normal #and don't make me feel like i'm too much for doing normal girl things #it's all just on my mind bc my dream was abt me finding his old tik tok (made up) and then watching all of them #you know i think the reason why he can't handle me now verses when i first knew him is that now i have more confidence #then i was so scared that if i did anything he would fly away #so i got really sick in the head and was constantly stressed bc all i was thinking abt was him and how to keep him #but i was so afraid to say anything #but now i am capable for actualizing bc i know what i derserve #but that's too scary for him so he has to go find any even younger girl who is just as insecure as him #emotionally under cooked #and i would second guess myself if i didn't know how all his other relationships have ended #it's all been him ghosting ppl or having terrible communication issues #so much so at one point an ex of his stalked me bc she blamed me for his relationship ending #i often wonder if he just doesn't respect women but i really believe he just doesn't respect himself #uhhhhhhhh whatever time to have chloe peace time and then ask out the kind man who owns that clothing store and likes good music

[ollys-useless-rambles]

!!! I haven’t made a post about my partner in a while and they’re great and deserve one so!!

#this is gonna be really incohesive and just me rambling but #oh my god theyre so wonderful #and so very pretty #genuinely like the most stunning person I’ve ever seen #and they’re?? so fucking patient too?? #like way more so than I deserve sometimes #and they’re so incredibly sweet #the sweetest person I’ve ever met #I’m like genuinely so lucky to have them #I would literally trust them with my life I think #I dont know how they like me as much as they do #but they do and I’m s o glad #I’m so in love with them #and oh my god. #the pet names. #I literally want to make out with them every time they use specific ones #and I think they know that #they’re just so #!!! #oh my god

[micer2012]

a reflection on MatPat's plagiarism

Hello, my name is Della, or micer2012, and 2 years ago Game Theory plagiarized three Tumblr posts of mine, making a video that now holds almost 6 million views.

My posts explaining his plagiarism made their rounds on Reddit, Tumblr and Twitter, but despite the Hermits and Pooka commenting on it (generally in support of me or saying they don’t know enough details about the situation to say either way), MatPat and his team have never owned up to anything, and no mention of my name is present on the video. The one Reddit post they made denying it (which was made before my detailed takedown, which they have never responded to (though the mods on the r/GameTheorists Reddit were kind and made sure it stayed up)) didn’t even mention me by name, just referring to me as “a tumblr user”. (Though one of the screenshotted comments in the body of the post does say my name)

This experience was baffling, but it’s overall had a positive impact on my life. r/Hermitcraft gave me a Golden Apple Award (post of the year, 2021). My inbox was filled with excited fans, wanting to ask me questions or pose their own theories, far more than the hate I got. (Though the hate I got from Game Theory fans was VERY funny. I wondered why none of them gave me shit about saying “MatPat misgendered Evil Xisuma” before realizing none of them read that far into the post.)

And getting on a more personal, and much more important note, I met most of my current online friends through this, including my partner. It helped me grow closer with my irl friends as well and gave me an entertaining story that I tell whenever I have the chance. It was one of the first things in my life that really made me feel like my talents, my autistic hyperfocusing and analyzing of things I love, could be valuable. Useful. Exploitable. It blew my mind that MatPat thought an autistic kid’s ramblings about a Minecraft Youtube joke character were good enough to steal. To put an audible sponsorship on. To get 6 million views off of.

And that’s why I’m writing this post, this update years later. As you might’ve been able to guess, Hbomberguy’s Youtube video on plagiarism reopened this wound. It was really hard for me to sit through, it took days of pausing and taking breaks, because I had experienced everything he was talking about firsthand. 

In my 10 page long takedown post, I wrote about how his rewording of my sentences made him say things that were incorrect, just like Filip did. The content farm production style that made big companies like Cinemassacre take one creator (AVGN/MatPat) and turn him and his content into a brand, a voice that reads out scripts by other people with other opinions/theories, is a history shared with Game Theory. What really hit me was Harris talking about how big creators only do this to people they think they can get away with doing it to. How they view their victims as lesser, as not deserving of their words, repackaging them as their own to give to an audience that can gain from hearing them, but deserves better than to have to listen to the original victim.

That’s the thing, I 100% think a video version of my theory to expose to a bigger community than “Evil Xisuma Fans on Tumblr” is a great idea!! Near the end of the video Harris talks about how video adaptations of things could be a great market, even an accessibility tool, and I completely feel that about my posts. I wrote them quickly assuming the reader was someone well versed on Evil Xisuma lore, after not even watching most of the CarnEvil series, and the diagrams I made to explain them are even less comprehensible. Harris makes a joke that I completely agree with, 

“I’m sure some of my videos would do very well if someone translated them into English.”

I don’t think I would’ve ever made my posts if I didn’t have autism, and a special fixation on Evil Xisuma and Hermitcraft. I made them because I felt the character was being done an injustice, and because I wanted to share with other superfans this theory that might explain it away. I do think that MatPat plagiarizing me was ableist. I used to wonder a lot if this would’ve happened if my posts were articulated better, if they had been peer reviewed, if the posts themselves had been spread to a wider audience before MatPat made his video. At one point when the discourse was fresh (before I had the time to write out my 10 page rebuttal), a bigger YouTuber (100k subs at the time) messaged me and started talking on Discord, interested in possibly making a video on the discourse, but I think my style of typing and general enthusiasm drove him away. You can tell by a single look at my blog (or my original 3 posts!) that I don’t usually type like this. This post you’re reading now has been peer reviewed and edited, and took me hours to format correctly. That video could’ve been huge, the entire outcome of this MatPat situation would probably be much different.

I also used to stress a lot about “being the one who ruined Evil Xisuma’s story”. If you didn’t know, to me S8 Evil Xisuma’s story got wrapped up pretty quickly and unsatisfying (in my personal autistic opinion). (though this might’ve been due to s8 being experimental and ending early with moon big) There was no real culmination of the plot points and arcs going on, and I don’t want to blame myself, but when Xisuma said on stream (when the MatPat thing was first going on) that he didn’t want to focus on the discourse or draw more attention to it, it makes a lot of sense to me that he just wanted to wrap it all up as quickly as possible. For a while I beat myself up about it, of ruining the story of this character I love, but it’s not my fault. If anyone’s, it’s MatPats, but I don’t think it’s useful to just blame someone else. That’s how the story ended up going, and that’s fine. This is Evil Xisuma we’re talking about, their inconsistent lore is what made them such an interesting character. And notably, Pooka made an animation with an awesome culmination of Jeff, the Dreamer, Evil Xisuma, and his own sona’s story, and it makes me so happy to watch. Whatever Pooka does is of course his own choice, but I’m glad he got to give this personal story his own ending (if it is an ending, and not just the start of a new chapter!). 

Typing this all out and getting it off my chest has made me feel a lot better. For a while I wanted to make my OWN video essay about Evil Xisuma’s lore and CarnEvil’s lore, actually going episode by episode to explain it instead of just assuming you knew as much about Evil Xisuma as I did. That idea is still not off the table, but MCYT isn’t something I’m that into right now. Maybe if something else comes out about Evil Xisuma I’ll get back on it, but for now I’m fine with letting that go. But I want to make other videos, share other theories and analysis… if I have the freetime I’d love to make YouTube videos, and if I don’t have the time I’ll continue posting to my tumblr and infodumping to my friends. Apparently my infodumping is valuable enough “content” to steal! Writing this out has made me feel a lot better though, I’m really glad I got it out.

If anyone ever wants to talk to me about the things I’m obsessed with, or reach out to me as a source in a bigger discussion about Game Theory or other channels, my inbox is more than welcome :] Thank you for reading! 

Sincerely, a tumblr user.

#exiavojtmmc #hermitcraft #matpat #gt #game theory #hc #mcyt #evil xisuma #hbomberguy #plagiarism #james somerton #jeff the minion #mine #micer2012 #hcs9