#i usually dont take my adhd meds when im not at work bc i work fucking early in the middle of the night and if i took it then on my days

[bunnyb34r]

Kinda hilarious how amphetamines can make people with ADHD feel sleepy where anyone else would be bouncing off the fucking walls

Our brains are like mmm finally I don't have to search for dopamine... I sleep now 😌

And other people's brains are like HOLY SHIT LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

#marquilla #adhd #actually adhd #i usually dont take my adhd meds when im not at work bc i work fucking early in the middle of the night and if i took it then on my days #off then well... but anyway i took one today 12 hours after i usually take it bc my brain was being shitty to me and i needed peace and #it's only been a few hours and im so sleeby... like so calm and relaxed it's nice but i also dont wanna go to sleep #bc i slept from 3pm-1am then 5-10am today and i wanna enjoy my time off yknow?? so im fighting the sleep allegations ✌😔 #okay to rb btw aggdgd

[toastsnaffler]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule #im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep #and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it #drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3 #bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and- #b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant #by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long #i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes #just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to- #go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway #and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao #whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway #ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man #i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-( #im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people- #seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This. #i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in.. #like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still #it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED #UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383 #.diaries #.vent

[winryrockbellwannabe]

✨ Getting my life together ✨

to be very honest, i've been feeling kinda awful this last couple of weeks, and i haven't been able to do anything but stress over exams and complain about my life. today this will end.

So here's a hopeful but realistic list of habit's I'll try to implement

🏋🏾‍♀️ 1: Im going to start working out again.

Not everyday at first, and i still have to understand if it works better for me to work out in the morning or at night. Ideally im going to rotate between: arms/abs workouts, youtube ballet classes (there's a youtuber that seems to have great adult ballet videos, and its a chill way for me to work out), and hopefully going on walks on fridays, since i have the morning off, when it's not raining.

🫗2 : Im going to do the dishes right after i use them

i dont even hate doing the dishes, i dont know how i accumulate so many shit. But i do, and then i have no clean dishes and that makes me not want to cook, and delay eating lunch and stuff like that. SO DO YOUR DISHES!!!

💊 3: im gonna go to the pharmacy to get my meds and actually take them

self explanatory, ive been super anxious about taking my adhd meds, since im going to try to take a more intense dose than im used to, and i was a bit scared bc of side effects but my friend has already calmed me down a bit about it

🖋️ 4. Im goint to try to post more regularly and journal more

4.1. Post more regularly

It helps me get excited and motivated about studying, so self explanatory

4.2. Journalling

Everything is being so weird rn. My friends are acting so weird, two of them are basically ignoring me, and other two are acting super shitty towards me and another friend. It's super messy, and we don't know why everyone is being off, so i think i need to let all this negativity out of my system and reflect about this, and see if i could also be in the wrong in this situation

🧹 5. Im going to be more organized, and try to keep my room tidied

💖 6. Im going to try to spend more time with people that actually recharge my energy, instead of people that just stress me more and make me more upset

📜 7. Im going to try new places to study, since my usual ones haven't been working as well for me

and there's more to go, but i don't want to be too optimistic, Im going to be happy if I actually manage to keep half of those for more than a week lol

#studyblr #study blog #studyspo #stemblr #stem student #aj rambles #study goals #study blr #getting my shit together #getting my life together #student life #college student #studying #stem studyblr #adhd studyblr #adhd student

[rainfallbeats]

IDK HOW EDIBLES WORK OK

*slaps my hands on the table* thats ok because i do!

this post ended up being multiple paragraphs long and contains a lot of personal stories so if youre still interested its under the cut. tw for drug use obviously

now granted i havent had that many of them and the only kind ive had were these cookies my brother made but good LORD. sweet JESUS they were strong. like STUPID strong. i remember he prefaced giving me them with "i ate one and thought i was a little worm wiggling in the dirt" and i was like ok i think i can handle it

i could not handle it. strong edibles will slonk your shit silly style. theyre a bit different than smoking because it kinda all kicks in at once, smoking is usually a milder high unless its like a bong rip. i remember one time it kicked in and i could barely get the words "guys i think the edible hit" out before breaking into a 10 minute laughing fit. i was on another plane i was shot up to the moon

and again these were particularly strong ones it really just depends on the strain of weed and the dosage, but some of the effects ive experienced are as follows:

everything is funny. like everything ever is funny. i will just laugh for any reason if im high enough, you could jangle keys in front of my face and id start cry laughing. weed kind of just makes you stupid like that. ive noticed it helps with the adhd too because ill finally have the patience to sit down and watch things or do tasks without getting irritated

pain numbing/weird funny skin feeling. ive noticed that i usually feel warm when the weed kicks in and thats usually followed by like a tingly feeling and a reduced ability to feel pain. this is nice bc im an idiot who gave myself back pain from sitting weird so this makes it go away. probably not anywhere near as effective for that purpose as pain meds but ive never been on any prescription pain meds or anything that wasnt like, ibuprofen so i dont know

food tastes really fucking good. ive considered going back on my adhd meds with recreational weed bc the meds were an appetite suppressant and thats why i had to stop taking them. weed will make you hungry as FUCK and everything you eat will taste better

lower impulse control, this one is kind of a bad side effect because if you were already thinking about doing stupid shit and you get high then youre gonna do it. one time i was on call with a friend and kept chewing on my fingers til they were bruised bc i wanted to chew on something

slowed perception of time/distorted perception of reality. this one is either scary or cool depending on the person but i find it enjoyable. time will slow DOWN like minutes will feel like hours. every splatoon match i play while high is the longest one of my life, and ive found i usually perform better in games because im less stressed and more just absorbed in what im doing. that combined with the fact that my brain blurs the line between whats real and fake so if im playing a game itll feel real to me. i will be staring at the inside of the grizzco building and feel like im actually there, its crazy. playing video games while high is fun

ive noticed that if i get too high i kinda feel dizzy and not in control of my body, my head feels like its underwater and ill be sitting there rocking back and forth waiting to come down a little. which would be scarier but thanks to the funny giggly chemicals its not that bad. but its also not pleasant when youre in a social situation and want to try to act normal

im not actually sure what me dumping all this info accomplishes but maybe someone will see it and itll help them write a character that smokes weed or something. and like granted these are only my own experiences and not everyone is gonna share them but regardless, thank you for the ask

#personal post #weed #ask box

[0ryza13]

ADHD meds are so fucking overpowered man. I dont usually take mine daily bc the kind Im on is expensive as FUCK so I only take it on work days or days when I have a lot to get done. Guys I said yesterday "Im gonna take one tomorrow and do my entire to do list thats been building up for weeks"

And by god I did. I took my meds at 8 am and it is now 1020 and I am not only done with my to do list (which included various adult responsibilities like emails and phone calls and forms to fill out, and also hanging up my clean laundry) I have also found theast shrine in TOTK and am upgrading my armor sets with a focus never before seen. I want a companion app for this game so I can go korok hunting.

#personal #adhd #totk

[zarafey]

one again, vent incoming

its my birthday and im sitting here crying because god beware i get a little bit sad and or mad at stm my mom did.

Yesterday she offered to cook my favourite meal today for lunch, very nice, really thoughtful, i was looking forward to it a lot. i asked if we could eat lunch at 2pm (we usually eat rather late at 3/4pm). Since i also have to finish my bachelor thesis by the 28th i dont really have a lot of time for celebrating or anything, but i did have a plan for today. We eat lunch by 2, finish by ~2:30, and I take my adhd meds (need a bit longer to work after eating, but the side effects are much more manageable). they usually take around 1h to fully work so theres a window for chilling a bit and having some cake. I get to work at 3-4pm, work til 8-9pm (using my most productive time of the day as well), day done, all is well.

... by 2:30pm i went upstairs to see what's going on, i find my mom in her office, she was still working, the food hasn't even been started. well, she forgot the time, bit unfortunate but ok, i do the same often enough, sure i was already really hungry (since i ate a bit less breakfast bc i was looking forward to lunch), and i was getting pretty stressed (my whole plan is getting pushed back), but the food isnt that elaborate and needs like 30-45 minutes, so eating around 3 is still alright, we ate at 3 yesterday and that was fine.

at around 3:30 i started getting nervous again. I go upstairs, food still needs another half hour, my mom already feels extremely bad and was so hectic that she cut herself, after calming her down, preparing the rest, and putting it in the oven i go to the toilet, to cry, bc fuck my whole day is starting to fall apart. eating by 4 means i really need to speed through eating bc i need to take my meds as soon as possible, because the later i take them the later i can get to sleep, the less sleep i get for tomorrow. so i cry, let it all out and stuff bc god knows i cant actually express any of that frustration in front of my mom by then she will feel even more horrible and then i can play emotional regulator again and i really dont have the brain for that when im already very stressed and frustrated. So that will just lead to me being an ass to my mom and then she will feel bad and i will also feel bad and its all around not a good time.

so i have my little cry at the toilet, meanwhile the food finishes cooking. I put it all back down again, go to the meal, my appetite is already gone but hey its still my favourite so ill enjoy it, i take a bite, its horrible, way too many spices, i cant even taste the zucchini. pretty much the last straw, so close to breaking out in tears right there at the table. ofc my mom notices, asks whats wrong, starts the whole self loathing shit and the endless apologies i was trying so hard to avoid. lunch is pretty much ruined, i eat quickly and in silence, i go down and take my meds, start crying and writing this post to get it all out. My mom comes in and starts the whole "im so sorry, i ruined everything, is it very bad that we ate so late? is it still gonna be ok? im so sorry etc etc etc" and fuck i just do not have the brain to do all the calm reassuring she is asking for so i snap, say some shitty things, now im crying even more and feel like a complete ass.

Like damn what tf do i do now bc i cant seem to calm down but i still need to fkn work on my thesis and i just wanted to have a nice birthday and some cake.

#and not to forget the multiple passive-aggressive bday wishes i got from relatives bc im not inviting for coffee and cake today #or my dad who like clockwork congratulated my sister today #because surely after getting it wrong every single year i should get used to that #welp happy birthday to me. lets hope my present is being able to write 1k words

[twopoppies]

Firstly No pressure to read any of the below it’s just a lil rant after I ended up on the wrong side of tumblr!! ( + I have ADHD and i forgot my meds lol so its a bit disoriented and all over the place) and no response necessary unless you want to!

Oh god I accidentally ended up on the wrong side of tumblr....never ever ever ever again, I went back so fastttt lol im laughing at myself rn for how quickly i clicked away from disgust

i ended up on a blog that stalks u and some other larries and says absolutely atrocious things abt louis (I can send u their @ if u'd like so u can block them) and fully bought the stunt bs happening rn and it was horrible obvs but like i just do not understand like it was so creepy gina and im just so disgusted bc why? yk?

like u were not joking abt anti's actually being obsessed with larries - like half this person's blog was talking abt you and amy and i was just so shocked cause why??? like mate come on what the actual f? get a life please?? (im quite new so im like just now realising how insanely weird and obsessed these anti's are)

Also it was just an overall eye opener for multiple things:

Starting with that 1. the way 1DHQ and 1D Management managed to alienate larries actually worked and i like knew but truly doing a proper deep dive and seeing multiple blogs hate on larries and like obsessively stalk us was insane?? Like they truly believe everything they’re being fed???

Side Note: Lowkey feeling very lucky to have had the education i have because even before i even joined this fandom i believed partially none of the relationships in the news bc like i knew abt this industry and how it worked yk? i mean its logic? i have so many mates that arent even in the fandom that know i am in the fandom and texted me when the articles started rolling out calling it out for what it was: A PR stunt

Hell someone i know whom i had never even talked abt fandom stuff/stunt stuff fully texted me making a joke out of it!!! like people who aren’t even in our fandom can see it and its just insanely surprising that if they can why cant the antis?? im just a bit shocked rn

both from 1. finding someone who actually believes in this stunt and 2. multiple blogs that fully commit their time to stalking u and other larries and once again i knew but fully seeing it

YK AT FIRST I WAS LIKE IS THIS A JOKE I DIDNT BELIEVE IT GINA I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS PULLING MY LEG OR THIS PERSON WAS IDK BEING SARCASTIC AND HAD A MESSED UP SENSE OF HUMOUR but ye anyway

It made me realise that 1DHQ knew what the fuck they were doing when they were trying to alienate larries from the rest of the fandom, once again i am feeling extraordinarily grateful to have grown up with an education where i was literally taught to never trust anything and to always think things thru using logic - “does it makes sense to you? if not find out why, there usually a reason behind everything” my yr 9 english teacher used to say smth like that all the time and it just never left me bc she was always teaching us to judge everything and to take every piece of news we read entertainment or otherwise with a grain of salt and to always if we’re gonna give someone else our opinion or spread this information do our research (its what i am when i say i feel lucky to have had the education i have had)

Eye Opener 2: Anti’s are fully standing y’all u were 100% correct this is some next level stan behaviour if i’ve ever seen some, you’re famous gina!!

It is while surprisingly to realise that anti’s fully believe these things, more surprising to see how they treat larries bc why on earth would u treat any other human being this way??? like dont get me wrong they’re horrible ppl and i fully felt like sending them a message telling them exactly that but i would never bc i just dont want to make another person feel bad abt themselves even if they are that shitty of a person and it was very tempting

I just would like to understand why they feel the need to do this? like why hate on a whole other person? for what believing smth diff to u? having a difference of opinion? how tf are they gonna make it when they get a job??? like??? do u know how often i run into a person with a different opinion then me? it shouldn’t be that big of a deal! we should still be able to be friends with antis! but we’re not - not for lack of trying btw!! they’re just so mean and rude??? when i was in other fandoms when someone believed different things there was never this much hatred at someone for it!! hell there was barely any bc it was understood that it was normal to have diff opinions abt things and i just am truly fascinated by these ppl i swear they remind how stupid the human race can sometimes be not for what they believe (altho ngl a lil of that too) but for how they treat other ACTUAL human beings with different opinions to them

Eye Opener 2.5: Some people need lives, man like they proper do need lives and something to do maybe a hobby or smth? just like a life they need to get one of those and actual live it

and Eye Opener 3: I already felt this way but like even god damn stronger now you deserve a formal apology from both 1DHQ and the universe

and until we get that u deserve amazing things coming from the boys on your bdays to make up for it

Lastly Gina I hope you didn't read thru all that bc I couldn’t even read it over and thus sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes and I would also like to say that I love your blog and everything about you! you’re an absolute angel and one of the kindest ppl I have ever had the pleasure of well not meeting but stumbling across, you truly make this fandom a much much much better place with your presence (I shudder to think of it without u) that said if you ever need to take breaks or leave Im sure you already know but you should 100%

You first!!! Always! :)

Have a good day Gina, I hope its an absolutely amazing one!

Hi darling. LOL! Reading this was like talking with my kids when they don't take their ADHD meds. Lots of excited thoughts!! I loved it.

And yeah, that blog and their 4 followers are really... not well. But you're very right. 1DHQ made this fandom a breeding ground for people to hate larries and to think it's something Harry and Louis would both approve of. It's gross.

The gaslighting here is powerful, so thank goodness for fans like you who know to question what they're told and to look at things with logic and to do their best to see through their own biases.

Thank you for all the sweet words and your offer to kick butt (in your other message). I really appreciate it!

#long post

[souryogurt64]

i didnt get diagnosed with adhd until i was 20 and its been a few years but i’m still trying to figure out how to manage it jejdjd i constantly feel overwhelmed

im genuinely not trying to flex but i was diagnosed and treated extremely young so i dont struggle as much as lot of people do. these are some things that help me. ADHD/ADD is a venn diagram of hyperactive/inattentive and some people have both. if you are primarily inattentive (as 92% of AFAB people are) some of this may not apply to you 

white noise, i like ambient-mixer.com a lot cause theres lots of vibes to choose from but lo fi hip hop beats is also really good

my work/chill space is a dog bed on the floor with pillows cause i hate chairs, this gets me roasted for being a furry but it is vastly superior to furniture. then i usually work on a clipboard or whatever instead of a desk

this is difficult for many to achieve but i try to get several days ahead of the syllabus bc if i have a day where i just cannot focus it matters less

be mindful of food/water/caffiene/sleep when it comes to emotional regulation, sometimes i will be so upset and then eat something and be fine 

go for walks a lot cause Energy 

make a physical to-do list of all assignments or deadlines and prioritize them in terms of due date and write down the dates too. if you are still struggling break bigger projects into smaller tasks, for example instead of just “essay” stuff like “pick topic, write intro, find at least 5 sources, write at least one body paragraph, etc” 

doing a smaller and more “fun” work thing usually gets me into a headspace where im able to focus better even if its “less important.” for example, ill spend an hour putting together my radio show before i do a bunch of research on essay for a class i hate. even though the radio show is lower priority, it gets me into a productive “flow” headspace where i will get much more done on the essay much easier than if i had just started with the essay and spent most of that time frustrated, upset, and unproductive. dont end up procrastinating though 

fidget toys are cool

it can be hard to get medicated in your teens/20s because ADHD drugs are often party drugs but get medicated. personally i take ritalin “as needed” but some people need them every day. it can take time to find what works, there are both benefits and downsides to every medication that can vary from person to person 

if you struggle socially this is a good youtube channel. these videos are clearly targeted at boys whose brains are so rotted by ben shapiro and 4chan they cant pull chicks but they helped me a lot 

weed is not for everyone blah blah but i have issues winding down enough to sleep and indica helps. ADHD meds are usually appetite suppressants so this helps with eating enough during times when i am taking my meds a lot. also ear plugs, eye mask, melatonin. also i feel like weed slows me down enough that i can watch movies/TV without the downsides of my meds because i literally cant just sit and watch anything

not to be a mom but clean your living space, even just a little bit, i know it is hard but it is so important for mental state. this checklist and entire blog can help

this checklist is amazing if you have meltdowns, when youre having a meltdown go through it

if you have ADHD you are by law disabled and are entitled to reasonable accommodations. this can take the form of things like deadline extensions, extra time on tests, headphones at work, taking tests in a private space, etc. talk to your boss or college’s disability office. if you are unable to get a diagnosis at least try talking to your professors 

if you really struggle with “caring,” it may be time to switch majors or jobs or something (easier said than done ik). sometimes i have difficulties initially getting organized and focused. but when i really care about what im doing i feel like i am much more “in the zone” than someone without adhd could ever be

we are not worse we are different 

#adhd #adhd ref #Anonymous

[sketchesandnonesense]

I dont make personal posts here near as often as i used to

But i think my twitter followers are getting tired of my whining so, guess I'll dump my thoughts here

Cause yeah, my mental health is kinda at an all time low

Tomorrow i go to the doc to ask if i can have diff meds that might actually work bc after some really weird n bad days and some fights n alotta research i've reached the conclusion im ADHD as shit and im probably also Bipolar (which runs in my family)

Because fuck me right?

Acouple weeks ago i started this absolutely fuckin garbage dairy-queen job and i kept getting told "it'll get better" "you're just new" and "maybe this'll help your mental health"

But it isnt getting better

Im still technically new n i still feel like a dumbass

My mental health has deteriorated further having to interact with the whiney, entitled, and also maskless public

The constant anxiety of getting the virus and hurting the people i love is taking a massive toll on me

The fact i hate my job and would honestly not mind getting fired makes me feel guilty like im an ungreatful brat and it eats away at me

I've been either straight depressed or horrifyingly numb for the past several weeks and it fucking hurts so badly

It hurts

The continued anxiety n guilt over not having my game done and feeling so lost and hopeless is fucking killing me n it continuously feels like nobody cares

Im sure they do but when i get shushed so they can tell me the usual canned responces so i'll shut up its hard to feel heard

I feel so isolated even with my boyfriend n my bro talking to me daily along w/ my best online friends

I hate being in my own head

Its awful

I dont know what to do

Im gonna go take a nap because im too exhausted to do anything else rn

#becca babbles #becca whines #sorry

[tiredrobin-scooted]

arthur headcanons (w some general trio ones) evn tho nobody asked. it’s long. talk to me about them if u want. 

i just feel like rambling with a mild aim, so. claps hands together. lesgo

he has ocd

he hoards items as a result, and he doesn’t like people touching his things. throwing stuff away is hard. he has methods of managing it, tactics that help when he knows he needs to reduce clutter, but it’s still difficult.

one of his personal rituals involves the pins on his jacket. he checks them frequently throughout the day to make sure they haven’t fallen off. when he washes his jacket, he has to put the pins in the exact same spot (the holes there are worn open and visible, which makes it much easier). he has a specific pattern when he checks them too, & he jokes that its like those games where u have to hit the buttons in the same pattern that they light up in

violent intrusive thoughts central, babey! often coupled w graphic imagery. hes having a great time! love it

also like. anxiety and depression

sighs. and insomnia. he cant sleep! especially in unfamiliar environments. and he has to turn things “away” or else he feels watched (which i think is from his ocd)

SIGHS. and adhd, while we’re at it. infodumping hours are the best bc vivi and lewis are very good listeners even when they have no idea what hes talking about. (and vivi, although not inclined towards mechanics and robotics, is good at asking questions that help push the conversation forward. lewis has a tougher time but he makes up for it in attentiveness)

he doesnt medicate because finding meds that dont exacerbate other aspects is difficult. he had a therapist for a good while, though, after uncle lance took him in, so he has a lot of different methods of helping himself

and he has rly supportive, understanding friends who also have their own mental and physical issues so it’s like. they get it. Everyone Gets It.

hes a gamer...... 

he likes puzzle games a lot, but rpgs are usually what he plays

not that he plays them OFTEN because turns out he has 20 other projects to work on (haha what do i mean im projecting. dont talk to me.)

also trans??? hes dfab binary trans guy

he didn’t make, like, robo-prosthesis himself, those existed before his amputation, but when he was fitted with his own he either built the whole thing from scratch or he totally revamped the one he got

he has a shoulder port and actually, he’s decided, it SUCKS,

if he isn’t careful about the weather, the metal will freeze or heat up and i mean. you can imagine the consequences

rapid changes in weather and pressure causes pain

phantom limb pain in general is just here. and he

is tired

also hes bi, and poly, and

laughs

but yeah. i hc hes been on t for.... a while? but i have a side hc where he hasnt been on t purely because i get really shitty cramps and im projecting those onto him. u cant stop me. 

and now..... some (more) vivi, and also some lewis stuff, and actually just a buncha general stuff

lewis joins arthur in the depression club. they high five about it

vivi is also trans! shes hella nonbinary. still uses she/her, but like. .. .

shes nb. mayyyybe genderfluid btwn Woman and a smattering of nb identities. i havent made up my mind yet

all of them actually have adhd, ive decided just now. all three of them. its party town, its infodump hours, no one can stop them and no one can stop me,

lewis and arthur bond over puzzle games. they all play mystery games when the desire hits

vivi almost ALWAYS gets first in mario kart. shes just too good

arthur kicks butt at super smash bros tho and can usually win

lewis’s strong suit isnt really fighting-based games. he likes exploration and socializing. theres probably an mmorpg they all play together

vivi is the fighter, arthurs the spellcaster, and lewis is the combination alchemist/healer

theyve probably played dungeons and dragons. i can see them sitting in the back of the van on late nights out, trying to play but devolving into conversations about enemy logistics or game mechanics or like. something entirely unrelated

lewis deserves his own section to discuss this in greater detail but he came from a wealthy/royal background. i have evidence to back this up. i have no idea if other people have thought of this

hes VERY bi

lewis is the mom friend, except he runs himself into the ground caring about other people so much so that vivi and arthur actively have to work to get him to relax and take time for himself. its a lot of work! he just wants to make sure everyone else is taken care of, “which is lovely, lewis, really,” vivi assures. “but you really need to look out for yourself too, y’know,” arthur pipes up.

like you either gang up on him or it just isnt going to work. hes full of love and a desperate need to prove himself

wheezes. he and arthur bond over abandonment issues

ok if i dont stop i will actually never stop, so. folds hands. thanks for listening.

#msa #robin ruminates #robin rambles #look at this. its so much #forgivve me #snorts

[pastelvirgil]

life update (if people //want// to reblog this i dont really mind (especially @randomslasher if you see this))

so ive only rambled about it a few times (in fic notes and also on anon to @randomslasher (hi, im the potentially adhd anon!!)) but basically i made an appointment with a Bona Fide Specialist to get tested for adhd bc it definitely explained a few things about, like, my entire life. and i did the testing, and yesterday i had the follow up appointment with the doctor, who confirmed what i suspected.

aka: i have been officially diagnosed with adhd/add/whatever you want to call it. 

so, my doctor prescribed meds for me (insert “and now i take,,, adderall” vine here) and today was my first day trying it. and i have had //the most productive three hours of my entire life.// i finished scholarship apps that i have been procrastinating on all of winter break, i was actually able to sit down and work on one of the scholarship essays i needed to finish (im actually practically done with it, just need to finish editing), i emailed the honors college adviser about study abroad scholarships for //that//, i emailed my other adviser bc a class i was supposed to take this semester got cancelled bc of “low enrollment,” plus other actual stuff i needed to do, //and// i made ramen!! and like, one of my thoughts was “omg is this what actual productive people feel like all the time???” the meds are definitely working the way they’re supposed to, not the way it would affect me if i //wasn’t// adhd. and other little things too, i guess: i always bounced my leg or tapped my hands or was fidgety in general without it, this is actually the first time ive gone on tumblr all day, i wasn’t distracted by the urge to go read fanfic or whatever, and for the first time in a long time my coffee was mostly milk and a little cream (in a much smaller mug than i usually have it, i might add). just. little things that add up and make a huge difference.

i feel //ridiculously// productive, more than ive ever felt in my life, honestly. like, looking at the time and realizing that tbh on a “”normal day”” i wouldnt have even gotten //this much// done, and the day is only have way through (its currently 12:45) and i feel like i can keep going, which hasn’t really happened for me before?? its sort of like being used to driving in fog, and the fog has always been there, so you never knew any different. it’s not impossible, but you have no frame of comparison to how other people are driving even if you’re technically doing about as well as them, and it’s not like youre immediately crashing and burning. but then there is no fog and you can see how much easier it is for everyone else (idk im not that great at metaphors but you get the idea). 

so anyways, i just thought i’d write this bc for some reason i occasionally share personal things on the internet to strangers (im getting closer to 1700 followers, which technically isnt that much but it still blows my mind and i care so much about all of you even though i havent made a milestone/follower appreciation post in awhile) and also bc lj said in the last ask i sent that if i didnt mind they would also want to know how everything turns out, but i felt like i had more to say than what could be conveyed in a few asks. idk.

anyways, that’s mostly it for now. when i get a chance, the next fic thing that will be posted is probably the second chapter of the fic i linked earlier (part of the analogical human au focusing on adhd logan in college bc i love projecting onto fictional characters) (i was waiting for all of my appointments and whether or not i actually had adhd/tried meds to actually write the second chapter- since it is mostly projecting and i wanted to //accurately// write what the testing/follow up appointments were like as well as what meds were like)

-emmy 

#emmy rambles #i know i didnt //have// to make this post but i figured i would anyways lol

[angelblumes]

food ment. Helllooooooo ugh would you like me to beat her up perhaps end up like her namesake, og mischa?(jk im not a (cannibal)) time to bust out the therapy voice tho , you will find your people and they will love you. Ok. ok wtf is happening? are we like the same person or something? wellbutrin buddies ❤ my room needs to be clean and moved the whole sha bang but I cant😔 life needs to be lived and such. I hope you arrived safely and happily and that everything is slightly better for you than it was last message and that you didn't get too carsick. my power went out today for like 3 seconds everything turned off everything , it usually takes alot for that to happen for my house just because its old and other reasons that I dont actually know. I've had a jam out session yesterday, it was so relaxing 😌 🙌 danced my little heart out to them guys I told you about. There's something abt the murders in hannibal that just does it for me... the artistry of it all. I love it when we talk outside of the 5 daily things too!!! hey, did you get that 'you're so mature for your age' as a kid or 'you've got an old soul' ? whats ur thoughts on that? I personally cant really imagine saying that to a kid maybe its a generational thing? ok 🙄😁 I like commentary ive been watching reactions? on youtube its a guilty pleasure, also I've been getting into some reality tv. Wife swap is crazy I love it alot and then the dating ones because ofc. whats one of the 1st reality show you remember watching and not hating? Honey Boo Boo and I Am Jaz (I think?) were my top two choices of reality. maybe a rewatch is in order for me. ok daily things um a guitar got brought into my house today i... its very.. it made me weirdly happy I love music and its instruments. thank goodness tbh my med were just a little later than usual, the pharmacy gave me emergency 3 days for they can figure out whats up because this is the second time we are having the same problem 😅 I had the best brownie of my life, it was store bought but like from the bakery fav dessert. I got this "new" shirt on so comfy, its tie dyed splattered different blues with an astronaut and nasa logo in white, its cute but also like 3? sizes too big (its a hand me down) dont worry abt the guy if a next time happens ill be ready for it 💪 it will go down, I personally know the man's family I will ruin his life if it comes down to it (we live in a town idk if it's small)or realistically just sic my family onto him. I found out my cousin has a gf now and is apparently very much happier than she was with her ex man (who made awesome cheesecake btw off topic tho) gay people stay winning, I did not know she was not straight tho so happy little surprise 😁 jeez its a lot of words uh I hope you're doing good and you had a good sleep and other nice stuff happen to you and you had a good trip🌷🤟🤙❤

HELPPP u are an angel. thank u❤️. and right exactly. normalize thinking fictional murders are artistic or something . thinkin abt how i used to think criminal minds murders were interesting but never had the right words so i'd just be like "woah he *kills them weirdly*? cool"😭. BUT YEAH i did get that all the time omfg "ur so mature for ur age!!" like thanks it's because i have issues and problems 💀....hmm i hate reality tv HAHA. this gc i'm in was just talking abt wife swap the other day how crazy !! idk if i've EVER liked reality tv .... i like watching commentary abt it (like uhh cody ko's stuff) but watching it myself... nope😭. daily things lets see!!! i went to the baltimore aquarium:) i was exhausted tho. saw that a tiktoker i like (hello fem will graham cosplayers...) went there a few days before me. how funny! i wish we had met and fallen in love or something. i went to bed at 5pm yesterday and slept til 3am. then went back to sleep from 6am to 10am. i think my new adhd/anxiety meds are the cause. sadly. cuz they work! but by making me too tired to be nervous or start thinking too much🥲. i'm tired 24/7 already and thats not helping LOL! i had this fancy meal ok multiple fancy meals and it was really nice. i got chesapeake chicken (haha like chesapeake ripper am i right?!?) and it had crab but i'm crazy i'm crazy i didn't eat the crab. the texture was soooo bad. anyway at another place i got a burger bc i'm lame i don't eat seafood (besides shrimp. which i am allergic to.) and i ate almost the whole thing and my friends mom said she was proud of me😭❤️. i always feel so guilty after eating a lot and that made me feel good. i've started watching more vampire video game play throughs. what can i say. vampire masquerade: bloodlines did something to my brain where i like vampire games now. it's the same guy which is cool. i dont like finding new youtubers becuz i've never kept up w whose problematic or not... like what if i get really into someone and mention it and someone's like oh yeah he preys on women. wtf. like umm cry? is he a youtuber? is he evil? cuz i was looking for a pathologic gameplay and he had one and i was like hmm... he sounds familiar. he has probably done something ? maybe? mm lastly.... i read this hunger games hannibal crossover WEEKS AGO but it's just still on my mind. i don't particularly love the hunger games but it's only bc i don't really know a lot abt it. i enjoy it but i've only seen the movies and read the first book (until rue died. never picked it up again after that! i cried a lottttt) and there's like an absurd amount of hannibal crossovers. i guess bc hannibal would totally rule in the hunger games. like come on a CANNIBAL? the uh.. capitol? they'd go crazyyyy for that. the fic itself wasn't even that groundbreaking or anything i have a lot of criticism for it tbh but it opened my brain to the concept. i have another one opened in a tab but it's super long so i haven't made much headway. i want one where it's like.... the one where the old winners come back for a game! and then they escape😈. but in the one i read will and hannibal sort of just escape anyway in a normal hunger game. like ok cool but i don't think that's plausible. but then how would it work ? like could will win a game on his own? maybe i should write my own fic. but then i'd have to understand what happens in the hunger games /j. ugh ok i was thinking abt that one scene where idk they do the little hand signal thing and drag katniss away and go to shut the door like right as they shoot that guy in the head. THAT WAS SO CRAZY. or when katniss shoots the lady instead of president snow and then everyone just descends on him💀 i feel like there's a level of nuance and understanding that i just don't have so i say "woah! cool :)" i hope ur doing well too ily❤️❤️💗

#a 'guilty' pleasure of mine is watching hunger games amvs LMFAO #asks #5 daily things #long post

[beaversatemygrandma]

Hmmm I was just given another option of how my year may go.  I Could always move up to NC for a while with my dad, where I’ll actually have somebody who will help me move forward and teach me how to be a real adult.  Coming out as transmasc will likely not happen tho, but at least i could be openly bi up there.  (read more bc im rambly thinking about this stuff)

Not to mention he’s willing to take like two days off, get me insurance, a license and a car right as i go up there. Like instantly. Instead of this argument with my mom about how i’m rushing to get my license (im fuckin 21 im not rushing, i Need one). Plus she says she’d be okay with me moving back in, but i’d be paying rent, and she doesn’t want me to yet. (apparently wants to remodel her bathroom first but idk what that has to do with me) Not to mention she’s wanting to bail on this state as soon as my sister graduates. Which is maybe in a year and a half?  So, if i do that, I might not be in FL for a long while (at least six months or so but if i like it there? maybe longer), but at least I’d have a car and be able to drive back as i please. I love long road trips, so that’s def not out of the option for the one of you wondering ;3 

It would be a good change of pace and after talking to the bf about it, he says it might be a good chance to move on and get to do what i want to do instead of just existing as i am. Which is a bit sad, but ik we weren’t going to be a forever thing. We’ve established that one a while ago. But heck, as of the end of may it would be my longest relationship at 2 yrs. I’d definitely still talk to him too.  i mean sure, i dont know anyone there bc i havent lived there since i was 7, but id at least have my dad, youngest sister, and grandma. It’s a solid idea and my dad even knows people working at NCU and i might be able to get in there and actually do college now that im not burnt out to extreme points.  Plus, he wouldn’t charge me rent. 

And not knowing people would give me a good chance to put myself out there again and not struggle with sifting through the friends i have in my mom’s town to avoid the relations to my ex. And maybe not be suffocated by being close to all the town’s stoners. Like i am now. Ish. I stopped talking to people and im starting to wonder if its even worth trying to go back to them because i might not have the friendship degeneration thing, but ik all of them do. (except like one and i will REGRET leaving them behind bc we still text like once a month and theyre so fuckin encouraging and sweet even if it is the much older stoner i hung out with back in the panera days) Besides, being with that group just led me into turning into a stoner myself and im breaking away from that one because holy hell that was a Ride start to finish. (my brain goes FAST again and its shocking like holy shit i can read still) A lot of regretful stuff happened, even if some of it was fun as hell, but not worth it in the long run if i want to be a functioning human being. 

Will i go up there and be one of those people on tinder looking for friends because they’re new to town? yeah probably. Will it work? I fucking hope so. I want to gather other like-minded people to hang out with so bad. Maybe some other nb people too. (and tbh maybe a gf because heck yeah) 

I’m liking this idea currently. It’d be a nice change of pace. Having a supportive parent around would also be a nice thing. And my little sister needs an influence from somewhere (even if the two of our ADHD issues goes berserk when together. I’ll do something impulsive, then she does and it’s usually worse bc she’s only 12 and Much Worse with focus even on meds.) And my dad supports meds, unlike my mom. So if i could get this adhd treated, things might just get easier too. (instead of self-medicating with things i shouldnt self-medicate with lol) 

Random unrelated thing, i actually ended up talking to my mom about the mental health screenings she got me as a child. Apparently 2 doctors said i was super hyperactive with adhd and another one said aspergers. So. I might have undiagnosed aspergers too. So that’s a thing. (no she never medicated me or went any further with testing. bc giving benzos to kids is bad which i can understand, but i didnt grow out of it like she thought i would and it causes me problems.) 

The only things im really worried about with going up there, is of course, leaving people behind, possibly having to take care of my extremely hyperactive sister who overwhelms me, and being in a big city.  Like Big City my dude. It’s Charlotte. I mean yeah sure, its where i was born, but i havent been in a big city since i was 7. Relearning how to drive during Their rush hour instead of the one here will be very overwhelming.  Perks though, would be real public transportation (they have trains and real buses, like holy shit), a parent who gives a shit, and the insane amount of decent paying job openings up there that wouldn’t be in a tourist trap where i’d get disrespected by rich white people all the time bc they think im stupid or smth. (no avoiding karens tho if i go back into customer service but if i can help it, im avoiding that) 

But i think just having a parent who encourages me and wants me to progress in life would be the biggest help. My mom seems to not want to see me getting ‘better than her’ bc the rest of the family looks down on her for not being successful (ig, i mean her sister’s a lawyer who stole my college fund to put her kids into private schools and accessed the will from my granddad way too early and all that shit when we’re the ones who needed that money bc we make less than 20k a year) but still, aren’t you supposed to be proud of your child if they’re going to potentially be in a better spot than you are?  Like my dad continues to remind me that i graduated with honors and a bunch of special stuff and how that isn’t common and how i have so much potential that i dont think i have and how i can actually qualify for a decent well paying job if i just go back to school. Plus, he’s got the connections to NCU. That’s a good school. I really wouldn’t mind actually getting some peace of mind for the future by getting what i need to done. And He’ll Help Me. (EDIT: It’s not NCU, it’s UNC. The Tar Heels. The blue one. In NC. Not Cali.) And he even knows how the world works a lot better than my mom seems to. He actually knows how to use those government help things and work around all the issues there instead of the blanant avoidance my mom has to it. (i havent had insurance since i was 17, like heck i need to go get myself checked out for A Lot of things and i cant afford to do that. She also doesn’t believe in credit cards. Real words she’s said. I shit you not.) 

i think i might do it. i dont see myself thriving back at my mom’s. she’d just keep me under her control and prob have me just at yet another standstill like ive been in since 2017. (fuckin pandemic really didnt help that. chose a bad year to get my shit together tbh because that didnt work, hell, neither did i lol)  Yeah sure, i got to move out and see what that’s like. Living on my own, working over 40 hours a week, seeing how poverty+ tastes... it tastes bad. I dont want to do that again. I learned some things. I’ve matured and have (mostly) processed what the actual fuck the trauma i got during high school was. (ahh the neo-nazi and the abusive jackass of a bf i had... hoooboy...)  Plus real seasons?? Sign me up. I miss seeing orange leaves in the fall and snow in the winter. And not suffering with daily 90+ degree weather. 

Even if i can’t (the transphobia is scary my guy) come out as transmasc, i’ll still likely get my hands on a binder and just go full gnc. More than i was before tbh. I’ve always been the ‘tomboy’ so it wouldn’t be so out of place doing that all of the sudden. Prob also going to cut my hair to have that fauxhawk that can be used in the most nb ways. It seems very nice and very versatile.  Might help the dysphoria that I’ve apparently had since 2015, likely longer. That’s just when i learned the word for it. Which has been Much Much worse lately due to the quarantine mane i still have going on. (mom wouldn’t help me just shave it off.... ;-;  Tho it is only shoulder length now with an undercut. Better, but still not good.) And the weight. Oh god and the weight. I miss my days of being flat as a board and having people unable to tell what i was. But nooo, i gotta be curvy. Doesn’t help that my mom makes me feel bad about it too. (thanks for the plus size clothes i got last xmas... im not that big. Damn.) Might also be the birth control... my body has more female hormones now than it knows what to do with. I could benefit from a break from it tbh. 

Also, who knew that if i stop self-medicating in a certain way, I’d get my will to live back? I sure wasn’t expecting it to hit so soon after quitting after hearing all the bs about how it was addictive and hard to quit (it’s not. At all. sure there’s a certain reliance your brain gets if you smoke for like four years straight all day everyday, i didn’t personally but it was a decent amount, but after like a day or two it’s gone. No headaches. No weird pain and mood swings. Whoever started the shit about it being so bad obviously never tried it. *glares at fuckin reagan and DARE and all the racial/criminal issues that come with it*) Though, I’ll still be happy that it’s getting legalized. (not fully in either of these states but still, it’s at least decriminalized in NC) It is a good thing in moderation, like giving a cat catnip. Just an extra plaything tossed into your enclosure sometimes so you don’t get bored and depressed. I haven’t done it in a good two weeks though and only really will if i end up hanging out with said stoner friends or to knock myself out if insomnia is kicking my ass, but that’s really it. I don’t want to anymore and that’s the end of that.  Not going back to embracing stoner culture like i did back in my apt and panera days tho. There’s some sketchy people who come around and its usually with drugs that actually are bad. (like that one tinder date who tried to bring coke into my apt and me and my roommate had to quickly shut him down. Never did hear from him again. Which is good. Not gonna associate with that shit that’s actually addictive and potentially dangerous.) Anyways, just glad im not too burnt out anymore to think and talk to people. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I think i could actually have a chance if i make the move this year. I definitely have enough savings to drop on the whole move and car and whatever else I’d need. (stimmies themselves pay for the car bc i never did spend them) 

Hopefully, this will end with me feeling good about myself for the first time ever and actually doing something with my life instead of sitting around depressed as hell. Could maybe be a real adult for once. Hell, I’m almost 22, i need to get onto this shit. My gap year may have been four years, but im getting there.  The positive influence from the bf and his family have been good for me and i think it was the kick i needed to get me started. The pandemic has given me a chance to breathe and process things. So, it hasn’t been all bad.  I just have to remember to pace myself so i don’t burn out again. It took way too long to recover from it. 

Side note: Holy fuck the covid case in NC are SO MUCH LESS than FL. Like less than half. Only about 1k vs like 6k a day. Another pro I guess. 

#beavers speaks #hnnng might just get my life started for real this time #personal thought gathering #thoughts are gathered so no tag rant #i weighed out some pros and cons and theres a lot more pros sooo #also still wondering about that diagnosis my mom got for me years ago #i could probably get my mental health tested again at some point and see what's up there #because if its both adhd and aspergers like she mentioned then that would explain A LOT #but yeah gonna try and be a heckin adult #big choices to make and places to see #the tiny extra bedroom in my dads trailer is def tempting #can't be smaller than that shitty apt bedroom right? #like it was only like 8 by 6 i think which is just a glorified closet #stick a futon in there and i got a reasonable room #okay maybe a little tag rant

[clehame]

long diary post abt adhd meds so cutcutcut

I have a doctors appointment next week to #review my meds and I feel like I still don't know what's goin on w them. like I do Not think they are what I need or what my body works well with but I feel like theyre different every time. and I should be taking them daily I know I know I know but they make me so SWEATY and gross and also when I come off them I Cannot function and also the coming off them only takes like an hour bc I am built like a horse and they give these meds to small children so my body burns tf through them. so for like an hour im good im happy I want to talk to my friend I want to call my mom! and then I am drowning in a pit of sadness. 

it’s weird bc they have like very strong mood effects on me which I wasn't aware was a thing that happened. Sometimes my meds make me feel very elated, and then we’ve already covered the Sadness Comedown. I knew that they could make people irritable and I was prepared for that but I guess I am just too sweet and lovable to be irritable ever ever ever 😌💅. That’s also sometimes how I feel when I’ve had too much caffeine tho. usually just anxious but sometimes v sad and tired. much to think about.

Today I took a Ritalin bc I had to take my stats test and by the end of the test I wasn't even sad or frustrated even tho I think I bombed it I was just like wow math is fun when you DO know what’s going on! and I had like a full Life Calling moment where I was like I Need to be a high school statistics teacher because nobody ever has had a competent stats teacher. and I could be the first ever. And I do not think that is a good idea given that I am already taking my stats class pass/fail and might still not get the necessary credit for a psych major & have to retake it, and I do Not care for statistics at all, but the stimulants were really making a strong case in that moment.

I usually try to take a Ritalin before my Spanish class in the mornings bc I Should be taking it regularly at least to see if my body will acclimate, but I didn't take it today bc I needed to be functional for my test, and it was way way harder to focus, which was a surprise to me bc I think before going on meds I didn't realize how difficult it was for me to concentrate in class bc I didn’t know any different. So I actually thought I didn't have trouble concentrating in class but turns out I do and I just didn't know that it was possible to pay attention more than I was which was Very Little. So that’s something interesting I have learned from this.

In conclusion I am going to tell my doctor I need to switch medication, but it did help me in ways I didn't even realize I could be helped. my concern is that she’ll just say okay well we tried Ritalin & im not comfortable putting you on anything w more side effects/a higher risk of abuse bc you're still functional-ish without meds. I don’t think she will, but she's a wild card honestly. last time I wasn’t even sure she’d take me seriously and she wrote me a prescription after like an hour. However if worst comes to worst, I think ill just ask she refer me to someone who can formally assess & diagnose me, bc I might be at the point where I need academic accommodations, which I need a diagnosis for. My school has a thing where you can get an accommodation to get someone else’s lecture notes, and im not sure if I would qualify for that even if I had a diagnosis, but I've been lusting after it for like a year and a half and I KNOW it would help me bc I have so much trouble understanding like what’s important and what the main points of a lecture are, and also just trouble taking notes esp if there’s not like a bulleted powerpoint. but I think I COULD get an extra time accommodation and that might be something I'm starting to need as im having more trouble w just like. reading comprehension lol. love getting dumber as I get older. It’s weird tho bc I was always always the kid who turned their test in first so I feel like I Dont need extra time bc ive always been fast but w some of my classes they just dont give us enough time to do shit !! But I just don’t know if time is the problem w me just staring at like 3 lines of text and not being able to understand them.

#personal #this is like a full essay hopefully the readmore works upsidown smiley face #can u tell I wrote this while still on my meds LMFAO #college

[yallarewild]

ive seen people say "adderall is just meth !!!" before and it drives me crazy like ,, the amount of times ive seen people on fb like "theres only a difference of one methyl group so youre basically doing meth" is too high holy shit people are so dumb and it kills me. its ok if you dont understand chemistry but dont come out with your fear mongering bullshit might as well be like "omg dont eat salt it has sodium in it that shit explodes when it touches water ur gonna explode if you eat it !!!"

YO RIGHT THANK YOU. it’s so fucking annoying, and the best part is he says shit like, “i think i def have ADD bc adderall just works TOO good for me i stayed up all night and cleaned my whole apartment!!!” like,….,,, buddy, my guy,,,, it works too good for everyone lmao that’s why thousands of kids across the country get addicted to it. ppl also say, “if i was you id be bouncing off the walls all the time!!!” like do i explain that for ppl with adhd stimulants and downers work in opposite ways? like, painkillers make me hyper as fuck for example, but i usually end up just kinda laughing like OK. 

the fear mongering shit is so unhelpful too tho and i highly support meds for ppl who want to\are able to take them bc they’ve literally saved millions of lives incl mine (im not even gonna get into the self dx connection to all this). like yeah obv adderall’s not gr8 if you abuse it, but these dolts gotta go on fb and preach ab the evils of medication based on their cherry picked personal anecdotes and honestly?ppl dont need any more stigma with medication.i hate telling ppl i take adderall, or that i take mood stabilizers for a second type of bipolar disorder they’ve never heard of, bc they’ve always got some weird shit to say about it and its honestly so fucking rude, like id literally never comment on someone’s meds or w\e unless it was relevant or helpful.

sorry im rambling i have strong feels on this but ty for sending this !

#asks #personal #actually adhd

[sweatylesbian-blog]

p sure my parent has been messing with my dexedrine. a couple months ago i was like wtf guess i better take less propranolol... THEN i noticed when dividing one for a half dose, it was only filled up to the line (where the cap goes opaque). which is a little more than a half dose as it is, i think

THEN doing the same thing today it seemed fuller than usual but tbh it's hard to tell and actually makes me think that maybe they've been skimming off the top like that for a while...

but here's the thing that im chewing on, is that my ua came back with elevated amphetamine levels vs my rx'd dose. ive been taking half doses or less (actually my rx'd dose i rarely take the whole dose) for weeks.

sooo maybe there's smth up and im excreting more than normal of whatever they measure

PRETTY sure i haven't had anything that typically causes false positives

so........ yk.................. could it be they're really going this far? like a couple nights i was taking like 6 propranolol (over a few hrs as each dose failed me) still could barely sleep when ive been sleeping pretty good almost every night ?? and other days ive felt a little more focused than i would expect. but otherwise i mean, afaict im not showing any other signs of hypomania or anything like that, either.

ivw been thinking it's the stress/anxiety making me like that and that's probably the biggest thing buuut....... :// idk

maybe ill stop by the pharm and ask them to check the pills for me?? but they could be just back to normal at this point :/

lmao this actually wouldn't be the first time, before they sent me to inpatient (i was 16 or 17 and i was so eager to go like, wow a stable place that's not here... sígn me up!!) but, i drilled open the lockbox where they kept their meds/drugs and found a container of the beads from the capsules! ohhh boy lmao. then when i was like 'wtf' they claimed they were "testing me" LMAO ???

but also there were days (recently) where they seemed like they had taken some, themselves but i was like "nahh i haven't given them any in a long time" BUT I GUESS THAT DOESN'T MATTER lol

they know it concerns me a lot to potentially have my adhd meds cut off, and they know that between that rx and bipolar it's not a big effort to convince med pros im psychotic, while all they're doing is trying to love and support me ~~~

anywhwre in writing or in public they make these displays but if for example i say smth (that is mostly sarcastic and rhetorical btw) about "i wish we could record this so i can point out that inconsistency" it's just nothing but the statement "i do not consent to be recorded" WELL bitch i don't consent to being spied on and psychologically abused lol but we can't all get what we want, huh

ehh i dont have the time or budget, and i wouldn't have a use for it really, legally or personally. i know well enough for myself, and almost all my medical providers and anyone else they try to call on me will listen to my calm and rational explanations of how it is clearly gaslighting (as clear as gaslighting can be, anyway).

anyway fuck you! what ever justification you think you have, ever think about how id never do smthg like this to you despite the fact that you're responsible for so much of the c-ptsd i developed, & have emotionally abused me my whole life!! no, ive never looked to avenge myself or punish you, just to be truly loved (not the possessive and prideful sense that gets mad when the object of it deviates from how u want) and not mistreated!!

it's hilarious in retrospect that only right this minute am i realizing that when you tell me about how me leaving makes you realize im not the cause of your problems and maybe you "had a talk with yourself" it's basically the same as "im so sorry it won't happen again im working on it ive changed itll be different" and i come back, mostly bc i don't have a better option but also bc yeah when things are good they're great! and i keep thinking "this time it can last and ill only move out when im ready and not bc i can't stand it anymore" but no!! so far that has never been the case!!

#abuse #vent #long post