#i think my brain is just defective and i already know i wasn't made for this world and i wanna kms

[v-ternus]

His Creation Myth

Nice little MountainDew I wrote that got me out of a writing slump. For @forlorn-crows , because of your kind tags on my last Mountain fic.

MDNI

~1900

tags: water Dew, virgin Dew, handjob, alot of praise, Mountain is absolutely whipped, nice mention of a little aftercare

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freshly summoned Dew has a quiet movie night with Mountain, and lets all pretend that he's never done anything before. A problem arrises, and good boy Mount has to help him.

Below for your consumption.

It was just supposed to be movie night, a welcoming night so to speak with some snacks and lighthearted conversation. Mountain wanted a relaxed moment with the new summon. But things went sideways halfway through watching Nemo of all things. 

Dew had started feeling a weird heat pooling in his stomach. Before long, the slight pressure from the throw pillow on his lap was becoming excruciating. He sat there, with a pit of worry blooming deep in his chest, before finding the courage to raise the pillow a little. He finds a tent in his sweatpants with a small, darkening wet spot. The hot ache occupying his midsection combined with whatever this was made him feel like he was dying. 

He was apparently staring for too long, because Mountain had to interrupt his non-attention. 

“Something wrong?” Mountain’s words may as well be cracks of thunder, they spooked him and he stupidly jammed the pillow into his lap to hide his problem. It visibly makes him wince, which doesnt help Mountain’s brewing suspicions. 

“Nothing!” He says, too quickly, that it was definitely unusual. Mountain looks at him with those obnoxiously kind, green eyes, a stare that wasn't going to let Dew avoid confessing his problem. Dew was very new to life topside, he was fresh, but Mountain had already taken a liking to him. He could read him pretty well and had learned most of his tells. 

“It's written all over your face Dew, come on. You’re new, you couldn't have run into too many problems yet, I can guarantee that I’ve dealt with whatever it is,” 

The pleading and genuine concern was making things more difficult for Dew. His dick was really aching and he didn't know why, or how to fix it, how to make himself feel better. For all he knew, he could be dying, he had never dealt with this in the pit. Maybe something went wrong during his summoning, maybe his vessel was defective. Regardless, something was very, very wrong. 

Mountain pauses the movie and moves to face Dew, again asking what's wrong. His undivided attention makes Dew’s face hold a bright shade of red, hot shame working down his spine. He tries to curl in on himself further but ends up pushing the pillow down again. The harsh friction makes tears pool in the corners of his eyes. 

Mountain can smell his distress, astringent and bitter. He uses a finger to raise his chin up to bring them face to face. He’s left staring at a pair of eyes screwed tight. 

“Bug?” Dew’s breath hitches. The endearing nickname was the final nail in the coffin. 

Dew finally lets the words out with a whine, “It really hurts,”

“What does?” As far as he’s noticed, nothing had happened to Dew in recent days, and definitely nothing happened in the two hours they’ve been hanging out. He couldn't drum up a moment where he could’ve gotten hurt. 

Dew doesn't even really know what’s hurting, he cant really explain it, so his only option is to show Mountain. Once he moves the pillow, Mountain knows exactly why Dew is hurting. 

“Oh…” He swears he tried to keep his voice neutral so as to not alarm Dew, but he failed miserably. If anything, the way he said it further convinced Dew that something about this was bad, that it would be hard to fix. 

“What do you mean oh?! You have to help me. I think I fucked up Mountain.” A new scent quickly invades Mountain’s senses, it reeks of burnt wood and venom— fear. His brain is quickly wiped clean of any joke, realizing that Dew really has no clue what’s happening. 

“Calm down Dew, you’re perfectly fine,”

“How am I possibly fine?” The tears have started to fall against his rosy cheeks, leaving trails down to his jaw then neck. 

“You’ve really never…?” Mountain desperately needs the full picture, needs Dew to confirm his suspicions. Dew shakes his head, messily wiping off tears that wont stop falling.

“I know how to fix this,” Its Mountains turn to blush. He’s worried that he’s taking advantage of Dew in such an unknowledgeable state, but he’d be lying to himself if he said that this didn't make him throb in his own pants. The chance to relieve him, to teach him for the first time. The notion turned him into a puddle. 

He cradles Dew’s face, dragging his thumb across the tear streaked cheek. The warmth makes Dew loosen his eyes a bit, it takes him off the edge just enough so he can breathe. 

“You need to tell me if anything feels worse ok? Really Dew.” Dew sighs, hopeful for relief. 

“Ok,” Its a quick whisper, he follows it up with a nod just to make sure. His eyes are still shut, he doesn’t know what the cure is and he definitely doesn't know what Mountain is about to do. So he waits patiently, waits for whatever is supposed to make him feel better. 

What he doesn't expect is his shirt being lifted off and a new pressure surrounding his cock. The sudden contact makes him hiss. His eyes shoot open to see Mountain’s eyes locked on his crotch with his large hand palming over it. 

Pain floats around in his mind, he’s sensitive. He didn't think the pain could get worse, but it did. And it was torture. But it was steadily being replaced by a comforting warmth the more Mountain kneaded at him, so he didnt say stop. 

“I’ll show you Dew, how to make yourself feel good,” He drags a thumb over the larger wet spot, slowly, right over the tip, making a point to press down on where he thinks the slit is. Dew jolts and reaches for the offending hand, clamping around his wrist. 

“—feels like you’re lighting me on fire. Hurts.”

“Sorry,” He doesn't mean to tease, not now, but he just can't help it. It's built into him like his magic. It's stronger than second nature. He studies Dew’s face when he goes back to gentle touches. Takes in how his jaw has gone slack, how his pale blue eyes watch on with awe while Mountain touches him.

He gives one last tender squeeze before gently wiggling his arm out of Dew’s grasp. He hooks a finger into Dew’s sweatpants and works it down to his mid thigh, just enough to get it out of the way. Just enough to catch a glimpse of the offending member. 

He didn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't what he saw— a heavy cock that bounced against his stomach right under his belly button, leaking pre onto his little happy trail. Its nicely thick and long enough that the head would sit nicely in his throat if he got the chance to wrap his lips around Dew. 

“I’ll teach you everything Dew. You just have to let me.”  He wraps his hand around Dew’s cock and he feels it twitch, kicking against his hand. As well endowed as Dew is, he looks embarrassingly small in Mountain’s grasp. He wants to make a remark, make Dew blush even more by telling him just how small he is, but he tucks that fantasy away, for now. Dew’s cock is so red that it's almost purple, he understands then, why he shed tears. 

“It’s so much Mount,”

“Give it time Dew.”

He starts to stroke him, root to tip, lightly gliding over the head and Dew yelps each time. Soon, the drag of his hand fills the room with wet noises. The only other noise is a stream of ‘Ah, Ah, Ah’ falling from the little ghouls mouth.

“Your body already knows what to do, bug, look at how wet you are,” Dew moans, high and feminine. His eyes catch on his slicked thighs and hips, noticing how he they shine with the light dim light of the tv. Mountain's brain is enamored by how he looks like a star as he comes apart in his hands, by how pretty Dew sounds.

The previously overwhelming sensation has bled into indescribable pleasure, Mountain is towing Dew back from the thin line between pleasure and pain. With the relief, he starts to relax, his muscles go numb. 

The earth ghoul recites a silent prayer to whatever is out there. He prays that he’ll be the only one to ever hear his siren sing, that Dew will be his— that Dew would let himself be his.

The easiest support is against Mountain’s chest, so he uses it, leaning against the supple flesh while Mountain snakes his hand up onto the nape of his neck, dragging his nails over his scalp. He holds Dew close, relishes in his warm breath against him. 

Dew starts to roll his hips, jerky and uncoordinated, until he finds a rhythm. He thrusts up to meet the tight fist around him while Mountain uses his finger to pet at the sensitive spot under the head. 

“Good Dew, take what you want,” Mountain watches as even more slick drips out of Dew, it quickly reminds him of his soft spot for water ghouls.

Dew’s rhythm starts to falter and the muscles in his toned thighs start to twitch. Mountain can see it, hell he can damn near taste it, Dew was close.

A tightness forms deep in Dew's stomach, he’s about to have his first orgasm, ever. And the best part? He doesn't even know it. 

“Mountain, what is this? Its- Mount its…” He’s been reduced to a mumbling mess, devoid of any coherent thought thanks to Mountain’s ministrations. All he can do is cling to Mountain like he's his only chance at salvation, which in this moment, he really is.

“Just let it happen Dew, let go for me.”

Mountain tightens his hand and jerks him off faster, twisting when he gets to the tip and rubbing his palm into the head to polish it for good measure. He’s trying his hardest to snap the wound up band in Dew. 

Dew cums without a sound, save for the yelp of him choking on his own breath. He keeps nuzzling his face into the column of Mountain’s neck, grazing his fangs over the tender flesh. All he can smell is his earthy scent, laced with pine and lavender.

He has an unexplainable urge to bite, he wants to sink his teeth in, but he clamps down on his own lip instead. A tinge of copper hits his tongue as he breaks skin. His fingers stay wound up tight in the earth ghoul’s shirt, feeling like he would drift away without the tether. 

Mountain feels like luck is raining down on him as he gets to watch the birth of something he can only describe as celestial. He basks in the glory of Dew discovering pleasure, realizing desire, he watches as Dew fully becomes one with sin. He cant peel his eyes off of the cum spilled over his fingers, speckled along the small hairs of Dew’s happy trail.

Mountain keeps stroking him, working him through everything gently. Once Dew goes soft, he rests his dick gently against his thigh before wiping his mess off on his sheets. He pulls Dew into his lap, ignoring the stickiness that'll inevitably dry uncomfortably between them, and pulls him tight against his chest while leaning against the headboard. He feels Dew’s heavy breath, the deep rise and fall of his chest against his own. 

Dew shifts his leg and unknowingly nudges Mountain’s own throbbing cock, it makes him gasp. But his brain doesn’t recognize it beyond that, it doesnt care about his release. All his brain can think of is the twitching ghoul in his arms.

“Fuck, Mount. Fucking hell.”

“Was that ok? Are you ok?” Mountain expects a simple yes, but Dew’s answer is better than he could’ve imagined. 

“Teach me more sometime.” He feels him further sag into his chest, feeling hopeful for the future. He places a kiss against his hairline and catches his scent again. This time, Dew smells like petrichor and a breeze along a shoreline, sweet and light— happiness.

Dew resting on him makes him feel flayed open, like his raw nerves are being singed one by one. His brain is draped in the sensation— he can’t imagine a life without it.

They’ll eventually get up and when they do, he’ll run a bath for the both of them. He’ll lay Dew on top of him in the tub with his back to his solid chest. He’ll lean his chin on Dew’s bony shoulder and whisper about how good he was, how this is what he deserves each and every time he ever lays with someone. He’ll pepper the side of his face with soft kisses as he mumbles words of thanks, immensely grateful that Dew trusted him with something so special. They’ll stay till the water runs cold. 

He hopes Dew falls asleep tucked into his side. 

#nameless ghouls #ghost band #the band ghost #dewdrop ghoul #fire ghoul #mountain x dewdrop #dew ghoul #ghost band fanfic #vee writes #mountain ghost #mountain ghoul #dew ghost #dewdrop ghost #ghost bc #water dewdrop #mountain dew #mountain dew ghost #mountdew #earth ghoul

[statisticalcats2]

"Did you remember me then too?"

Bucky blinked at the question. It seemed to come out of nowhere, nothing in recent conversation providing any hints to context.

His confusion apparently showed, as Steve clarified, "The helicarrier. When I fell into the river. You saved me. Was it because you remembered?"

"...You knew that was me?"

"Who else could it have been?"

Bucky gave a small shrug but still gave no answer.

"It's ok if you didn't. I just... wonder why you did it."

Bucky furrowed his brows, sorting through his thoughts and words.

"I... didn't. But I did?"

~

The Soldier had already had certain... imperfections programmed out of him. It had been many years since he had last hesitated, second-guessed, looked into a mission's face and felt anything other than firm determination to finish the job assigned to him.

But facing his new mission, Captain America.... was different. Old imperfections resurfaced but... sharper, stronger. It wasn't unknown for him to have strange flashes, little sparks of images flickering into his brain and leaving just as quickly. It only happened with some missions. Like other imperfections, it had been some time since it had happened.

And just like the others, Captain America brought it all back. But this time the flashes were clearer, longer. Images of a young blond man, smaller and shorter, sickly, but the link was there inexplicably. And those images... They brought warmth, a strange fuzzy feeling as he saw, from the perspective of some unknown person... touching the man. Clasping shoulders, hands, brief hugs... longer embraces in the privacy of some empty room. He could even swear he could feel it all himself.

Those images lingered, unlike the others, but they were still imperfections, and his handlers took care of it.

But it seemed like the images were unbreakingly tied to Captain America's visage. He couldn't look at the man and not encounter the images. And for the first time in a long time, the Winter Solider felt distressed.

~

"They could have gone away if you had let me die."

Bucky shot a horrified look at Steve's blunt statement and the other man gave a half-smile, half-grimace.

"I'm just trying to understand it. Or maybe to help you understand it. You... could have gotten rid of an imperfection yourself while also finishing your mi-"

"You're not an imperfection." Bucky abruptly cut him off, surprising himself with the ferocity in his tone.

Steve's eyes widened, startled by the sudden outburst, before his face settled into a softer expression. But he didn't continue his sentence, as if he expected Bucky to have more to say.

But Bucky didn't know what else to say. It all still felt unreal in a way, as if this was all just one really long and detailed flash of images. As if the next eye blink would open up to him back on his mission, filing away the imperfections and defects to be fixed.

He was pulled out of his thinking by the warm press of Steve laying his hand over Bucky's own. "We don't have to continue talking about it, I'm sorry if I upset you."

"You didn't. Not really." Bucky softly assured, staring at their touching hands. He could feel Steve. Stronger, realer than the feelings that lingered in the images.

"I won't leave you again, Bucky. No matter what. If I lose you again... I'll find you. I won't stop 'til I do."

Bucky looked up and met his eyes. "....'Til the end of the line, yeah?"

Steve smiled. "'Til the end of the line."

~

~

~

This is my work for @fandomtrumpshate 2023, made for @voxiferous

I hope you like it!

#fandom trumps hate #fth 2023 #marvel #mcu #stucky #steve rogers #bucky barnes #statisticalcats creations

[dbphantom]

Watched the first 2 episodes of the Fallout show and was pleasantly surprised. I have a few complaints but I actually did enjoy the first episode a lot and the 2nd was pretty decent too

I really really enjoyed the sets, especially the Vault. Really well done and the vibes are perfect. The scene in the farm where the film of the projector burns and looks like bombs going off around them during the raid was great. A touch cheesy but I appreciated it bc I am a cheesy media connoisseur

I really like Lucy and the ghoul (don't remember his name). Maximus is on thin ice cuz dude is... a bit unhinged in the first 2 episodes. But he was raised by the brotherhood so I'm wishing him the best character arc. I am hoping he realizes how shitty the brotherhood is and defects by the end of the season... I'm convinced that's what's going to happen, but we will see what they do.

One scene that made me roll my eyes was the raider husband coming back to life after Lucy cut his jugular so that the dad could get the kill on him. Like why not let that moment impact her more?? Why did the dad have to be the one to kill him? Was it supposed to foreshadow that the dad was a raider or something? Cuz honestly I'm mostly suspect due to the raiders taking him with them, it's classic to have the father be a criminal but he's reformed because of his dead wife and kid... Would be awesome if they twisted it so it's the mother who was the raider, but didn't they already say she was from this Vault and the dad was the one transferred over? Regardless, that totally ripped away a character moment for Lucy. That man stole her kill...

Another thing I didn't like was the appearance of the Brotherhood so soon in episode 1. They appear before the viewer even knows what the wasteland looks like for everyone else. You see the Prydwen before you see your first established settlement and that kind of ruins the idea imo. People are struggling to live, but the brotherhood is hoarding tech. Show the people struggling first, THEN have the Brotherhood appear.

Maybe they're doing it this way because you're supposed to be viewing things like Maximus (loosing his faith in the brotherhood as the season goes on because he was raised by them and was indoctrinated, please, it would be a nice parallel to Lucy), but it still makes the pacing feel off. The friend I watched it with (hi @bautistawithadrive) agreed w/ that and he isn't even a Fallout fanatic. It just feels weird. I get that pacing is gonna be wack cuz it's an 8 (?) episode season, but it just isn't working for me.

The ghoul is fine. His intro scene at the start was cute. I found it interesting the shot of the bombs going off around them, but I'm 90% sure it's canon in lore that the Fallout nukes are less powerful than ours so I have no real complaints. If it's not canon, then it's a widely accepted fanon. I was just confused why the little girl wasn't blinded by the flash because I'm pretty sure there are logs in the games of people who were blinded when they saw the flashes? I could be misremembering tho I don't have enough room for all the Fallout lore in my brain. Anyway it's an insignificant detail overall afaik, so I'm being fussy, I think.

I am kinda bummed the ghoul doesn't look worse tho. Weird complaint probably but I was hoping he'd be a bit more idk... Ragged? Given all the other gore in the show, I was interested to see how they'd do the makeup for the ghouls, but just like nexus modders, they took the cowards way out. He looks (and sounds, oof) like a generic bald dude with some liquid latex on his cheeks and a missing nose.

The best friend of Lucy is another fave, I really.enjoyed every time she was on screen. Good actress, I hope she either becomes a villain (that eyepatch in the end credits bit of ep 2 is throwing me haha) or follows Lucy out of the Vault (or both).

I'm also curious to see where the brother's character is going to go because they could do a lot with him since he was pretty bland at the start. He could follow Lucy out (maybe with the best friend) or start some kind of political change in the people of the Vault so it will cause conflict when (if) Lucy returns, or he could convince them all to leave the Vault. It'd be cool if he found what their specific Vault experiment was meant to be, then either put it in action or made sure no other Overseer would be able to continue it. Maybe I have too much hope for such a short season... But it would be a fun way to introduce Vault experiments to the audience.

One thing I am VERY nervous about is if they're going to make Lucy pregnannte. I could see them doing it bc that sex scene with the raider felt like a Chekov's gun situation (plus the BFF being like "I can't wait to raise our kids together!" which initially had me like 'wait what are they a lesbian couple forced to get with dudes to make babies? That'd be an awesome storyline!' but thinking abt it I'm wondering if it is foreshadowing for the bestie to also leave the Vault and track her down. Which I want to happen, I loved her character). Idk they could have just included a sex scene for the sake of having one... But I'm also thinking about all the morning sickness vs radiation sickness jokes they could be making, so if there is a scene of her puking in the next few episodes (beyond the gore-fest), I am SO calling it

But like to be clear I don't WANT it to happen, usually that kind of thing in shows makes me turn it off immediately because I'm so not interested in watching a character slowly become 2D for a wailing potato we're just supposed to like because it's a kid, so I hope they surprise me, but I also wouldn't be shocked if it did because all the set-up is there 😬

#Cruddy rambles

[dredshirtroberts]

Everyone in here is already in the phone tree for when we go kill my parents, right? (for legal reasons this is a joke)

echocardiogram provided a few revelations for me. Well... it provided one, but then there followed several stemming from that one so you know. six a one, half a dozen a the other, etc.etc.etc.

I need to schedule to see the cardiologist for real this time (so far it's just been cardiology-related tests and therefore mainly techs and nurses i've dealt with there), because they found an Anomaly in my heart wall that allowed a little of the red color to go where only blue color was supposed to go, and also that anomaly was really the only physical thing they could see, which doesn't explain the tachycardia symptoms i'm also having. This is a very fun ride to be on, in case you're curious, by the way (sarcastic).

There are better tests with which to diagnose whatever the anomaly was, but one of the things we floated around was a possible hole allowing blood to go where it wasn't supposed to go yet. Because i have brain beasts that get feisty when I don't know information about medical stuff, I finally decided to look up potential causes for holes in the heart, or other wall-related weaknesses.

Almost all heart-holes are there from birth. the symptoms for children match up really scarily well with my childhood (and also for my today me).

The symptoms also match things my mother would frequently complain about. And her father - who i was at one point told had a heart murmur? but i cannot confirm this at this time, and i keep forgetting when I'm on the phone with him and grandma to check if that was a real thing i'm remembering or if i've cross-remembered onto him from someone else.

Did you know if you already have a congenital heart defect or a family history of them, your child is likely to have one too?

Did you know this makes me furious because I've spent my life hiding my shortness of breath because I was told the only reason i'd breathe like that after small bouts of exertion would be because i was out of shape or fat. yes. even while i was running half marathons, and swimming, and tap dancing, all at the same time. yes even as a child who - i've gone back and seen pictures of me as a kid - was not a large child. (and if I had been, that still would not have warranted the teasing and scolding i would get about eating too quickly and breathing so hard, or exertion, or about a million other things related to me feeling poorly and unable to control it - fat is not a bad thing to be and doesn't mean you deserve poor treatment, and it does not mean that you don't deserve care and it doesn't make you a bad person, and none of us deserved that).

I've made bad health decisions. I've done shit to my body that is 100% my fault. I've done shit in my *life* that was bad for me and 100% my fault.

I know when to take blame for shit that's my fault. I also am VERY good at taking blame for things that are in no way my fault nor do i have any control over them whatsoever.

I'm getting slowly better at finally placing blame where it belongs when necessary. Not getting care as a child was not my fault, and I am not to blame for the issues caused because of that. My parents are. Specifically my mother because she was the primary parent who was stay-at-home and also shared the symptoms i have the biggest problem with now. I mean I know it's hate on my mom week but like. I was not expecting to have a whole new reason to be upset with her like this.

My dad's an ass, and he sucks for a lot of reasons but he wasn't home a lot when i was a kid and he was very much Working when he was home more later. It's an explanation not an excuse - he should have still noticed shit. but i get why he didn't.

I think i'm hella fucking lucky the strep throat+cold combo i had for like 3 weeks in fifth grade that the doctors initially thought might have been mono didn't kill me. I think i'm fucking *amazing* for having done as much physical activity as i did for as long as I was able to keep up with it considering i was not allowed to "slack off" because no one believed I was experiencing the symptoms i was having.

I think i'm a goddamn warrior for getting to the point where i could actually take care of myself and frankly i think i'm doing a hell of a lot better physically than i could be considering all of the contributing factors to how i feel most days.

I am surrounded by love and affection and it's more than i can bear sometimes, especially looking back at how alone I used to be. I pick that smaller me up in my arms. I hold her and I tell her it's going to be okay.

And then I sit down because i should not be holding anything larger than a cat for anything longer than a couple seconds or my heart goes nuts.

#i'm okay for the most part #just angry #YEARS of being told i was making things up to be lazy and i'm almost at the point of doing the vindication meme #i need some more solid answers from the doctors on multiple fronts but #we're getting there and i'm just given more and more reasons to be furious at my parents #and most specifically at my mom

[universe-on-her-shoulders]

I might have a super weird request - feel free to ignore. Well Jack is basically into anything at all eh? Well why not Daleks... if they are one of the good ones, like Rusty? Perhaps during Revolution of the Daleks, Jack mentions his sexscapades with Rusty to a very incredulous Thirteen and Fam?

"I had a thing with a Dalek once," Jack said with something akin to wistfulness, staring into the middle distance as he sipped his tea. Gwen stared at him from across the kitchen table with abject horror, caught somewhere between curiosity and revulsion, and she pushed the box of biscuits they'd been sharing towards Jack, feeling faintly nauseated by the mere idea of such a concept, although she was trying to be as open-minded as it was possible to be when thinking about her boss and a sentient pepper pot. "Long time ago."

"Do I want to ask?" she began tentatively, taking a sip of tea and shuddering involuntarily. This meeting was supposed to be a well-overdue catch-up after Jack had disappeared to what she now knew was prison; instead, she sensed that she was about to be regaled with one of his sexscapades for the thousandth time, and she wondered how much therapy or Retcon she was going to need to recover from the experience. She couldn't even begin to imagine the logistics of how 'a thing' - she couldn't bring herself to use the actual words - with a Dalek might work, and she suppressed another shudder as her brain helpfully supplied her with an image of a tentacle. She already knew far too much about Jack's sexual preferences for her own good; knowing that he was into tentacle stuff might be the straw that broke the camel's back.

"He was a nice enough guy. Defected from the Dalek Army, or that was what he told me. He might've been bluffing, but his superiors had really done a number on him, you know? I think they'd actually managed to break his psychological conditioning. He hated the whole bunch of them."

"How did you end up having a 'thing' with him? How does a Dalek flirt?"

"You'd be surprised. Humans can be very close-minded sometimes," Jack rolled his eyes. "He made the first move, and things just went from there. We made it work. It wasn't easy, but we tried our best. He could do this amazing thing where he-"

"I'm going to stop you there, Jack," Gwen said firmly, holding up a hand, and he smirked. "I really, really don't want to think about you shagging aliens, especially not ones that have tried to kill me."

"That does limit the field somewhat."

"Good. Stick to people. Or stick to... I don't know, John. Does he still text you?"

"How the hell do you know about-"

"Please. You're not exactly the world's greatest actor. When did you last see him?"

"That's none of your business," Jack said with an attempt at dignified magnanimity. "It's my personal life."

"When?"

"Six months ago," he admitted, and she let out a delighted yelp of horror.

"You're terrible."

"Would you rather know about me and John or me and the Dalek?"

"You and John. All the details. Off you go."

#captain jack harkness #gwen cooper #torchwood #asks #anons #drabbles

[supercherrydraws]

Confession

Tord sat at the kitchen counter, groping the marble countertop with his fingertips impatiently. He hadn't been able to sleep for a few nights, he had a very turbulent and light sleep, anything, however slight and despicable, would wake him up instantly. He wasn't sleepy per se, but his body showed clear signs of tiredness. He got a glass of water to drink, maybe he would make some chamomile tea to see if it would calm his brain for a moment and maybe then he would fall asleep for a few more hours. He heard footsteps on the stairs, but didn't make a point of checking who it was.

- Tord? What are you doing awake? Were you working until now?-

asked a familiar voice, thick, tired and always disinterested. But smooth and monotonously pleasant. It was Thomas.

- I'm agitated because of the new projects and I can't sleep. You?-

he asked back along with the answer. Tom went to the cupboard, grabbed a kettle and filled it with water, then turned the heat on to boil.

- I don't know, I'm not sleepy and I heard noises in the kitchen. Then I decided to go down, I thought it was Edd... do you want tea?-

Tord accepts, nodding his head positively, supporting it in his right hand and while looking at the window on the right side of the house, watching the outside totally dark by the absence of the sun, being lit only by the weak light of the moon.

- Are you okay? You looks quite tired and lost in your thoughts. You've been like this for a while, actually. It's getting weird -

He asked slightly worried, leaning on the inside of the kitchen counter, facing the taller one. Tord had huge bags under his eyes and looked exhausted.

- Wow, are you worried about me? I'm sure a meteor will hit the earth in a few minutes-

He mocked the other who didn't seem happy with the joke. It was clear that he was really worried about him.

- For you to see how your situation is. You're so worn out that even I'm worried about you. Get the fuck out right away. What's wrong with you?-

He appealed to the usual rudeness. Tord rolled his eyes, not knowing how to respond, as he didn't even know what his problem was. He just took a deep breath and laid his head on the counter, crossing his arms for support.

Tom looked at him confused and worried, trying to search his eyes and still waiting for an answer to his question.

- I just can't sleep, I have a lot on my mind, thinking too much... I don't know why. I don't like to sit still and if it takes me a long time to sleep, I give up and go do something to see if I get tired-

He counted, not expecting a solution to his problem. Tom just sighed thoughtfully, looking for a viable solution. But he failed miserably as he didn't have enough experience to deal with that problem. The only thing he could do was be silent company while he waited for the water to come to a boil in the pot.

Tord saw the Brit's hand rest beside his and studied it. It was large in width, but not very long fingers, a medium and normal size. The fingers were thick, very masculine. His nails were short and painted an already flawed black, and he had some hairs on the back of his hand. His skin was a little dark, a faded brown more drawn to a yellowish orange base than a red or yellow one, it was a cool skin that lightened on the palm, which resembled more of a dark, cold beige tone. They looked smooth, without any calluses or scars. In Tord's view, they were totally caressing.

He had great charm in every little detail of Thomas. He was a very handsome man who caught the attention of many. His face was round, with a slight checkered accent on his sideburns, a strong neck, thick eyebrows, a short, neat beard. His body was full, with a few not-so-notable folds and a slightly more accentuated little belly, as well as slightly thick thighs for being a little overweight. But Tord didn't see this as a defect, it just made him look softer and he was certainly very good to cuddle. What he wouldn't do to be able to tighten his folds a little.

He got lost in his thoughts and without realizing it, he had a discreet smile on his face, a silly look typical of a lover. The boy's hand wasn't even in front of him anymore, but his mind was in the clouds, imagining a thousand and one situations where he filled that strong little hand with kisses.

- Commie? You slept?-

Tom asked, snapping Tord from his thoughts.

- What? No no, I didn't sleep. I just got lost in my...thoughts-

He explained himself, straightening his posture, clearing his throat slightly. Tom chuckled small, setting the mug of tea beside the Norwegian's hand.

- What were you thinking of that is so interesting to travel like this?-

He couldn't tell the truth of course. What kind of reaction would he have if he said something like "Oh, no big deal. Just imagining a thousand scenarios where I shower you with kisses and hug you until you suffocate"? It certainly wouldn't be a nice reaction, besides the phrase have sounded too disturbing or too corny and romantic for his taste. Two by one, the Brit either ran away or vomited from so much love he would have in the sentence. That wasn't his style, not at all.

He tried to dodge the answer, sipping his tea to buy time, and ended up opting for the most generic and bland answer possible. The famous: no big deal. Obviously it was a crude answer and clearly an excuse for not having to reveal his true thoughts. He respected that silent request and accepted the answer, showing himself to be displeased and uninterested in the course of the conversation, which was not even heading straight.

They were in a somewhat strange atmosphere, surrounded by an unwanted and awkward silence. Of those who force themselves to make noise when drinking tea to have some background noise, only to cut the sound of the kitchen clock that made it even more uncomfortable. Silence wasn't good for someone with a lot on their minds. Without a focus, all thoughts came to the surface and when he least expected it, Tord was discreetly staring into Thomas's black eyes. Heavens! He swore he could see the stars or the entire universe in those eyes. He began to stare shamelessly as he sipped his tea and had his eyes drooping, like a love drunk. He hated that feeling, no doubt wanted it gone.

Love was never his thing, he was kind of disgusted and didn't have many nice experiences with the feeling. He didn't know how to deal with the symptoms, he never tried to learn in any way and in order not to have to face them, he just broke them, offending and arranging fights with the loved one to try somehow to convince his brain to detach himself from this futile and unnecessary feeling. But with Thomas he wasn't doing too well. It seemed that each fight only increased his desire to touch him with patience and passion.

- Okay Commie, now you're scaring me. What the hell are you thinking so much to stare at me with that rascal smile and those dead fish eyes?-

Thomas was looking at him with a confused expression, making him even more attractive to Tord. It was hard to be around the man without fighting or something. He thought about just blaming it on sleep and going upstairs, but he was already tired of running away. Maybe if he got a no right in the face, along with a slap on one side of the face, he'd stop liking the other so much and get rid of that feeling he so loathed.

- No big deal, sorry. I just got lost in your eyes. The lights in the room reflect on it and look like stars-

He tried to flirt. Not knowing if the attempt had failed or not. Thomas stared at him for a few seconds before trying to hide a small, roguish smile. He seemed happy with the comment. He couldn't help but smile, too, as he enjoyed the beauty of that slightest bit of happiness that the lowest allowed himself to sketch.

- Don't even start to flirt with me now. Is it because you lost our last fight?-

Teased Thomas, approaching the other in a provocative way. Tord grinned in amusement, looking relaxed and indifferent to the comment, even as thousands of butterflies pirouetted in his stomach.

- No no, it's just because you're cute-

It was clear that Tom was starting to lose his arguments and was smiling more and more, showing himself nervous and unable to contain his feelings. Tord wasn't much different, but he wanted to see how far Tom could take it without running away or forcing him to open up.

- It's pretty funny, isn't it? But this joke is pointless, you can stop-

He couldn't tell if the other was sad or if he was just tired of it and wanted the other to stop because he doesn't have the capacity to refuse him in a rude way. He decided to try one more time, just to make sure it wasn't a request to stop for not responding.

- I'm not kidding. I don't play with serious things, Tommy-

Tom looked him straight in the eyes, he seemed somehow hopeful, but struggling not to believe what the other was saying. He opened his mouth in an attempt to make a reply, but he couldn't make a sound. He was embarrassed, but not in a bad way.

- Alright Tord, where are you going with this?-

He asked seriously, staring at the Norwegian with a look that begged for complete seriousness. Tord's nervousness was clear now, as he avoided the look of the lowest at all costs. He cleared his throat before speaking, trying not to stutter and sound natural.

- Oh, it was so nice to play with you. But it looks like someone doesn't have the patience for games right? Well, okay, I didn't want to get straight to the point just yet, but since you insist...you see, I know I'm always pissing you off and picking fights with you and all, but...that doesn't mean that I hate you. You see?-

He tried to explain himself, tapping his fingers on the counter nervously, trying to keep a calm countenance. Tom was looking at him as if asking him to continue, playing dumb and slow, which irritated Tord.

- What I mean is that sometimes, when I punch your face, I actually want to kiss your mouth...ah Thomas I don't know! You're beautiful, you're smart and as much as you're a pain in the ass I like the rare moments when we interact peacefully and I even like our fights sometimes... look, I don't know how to deal very well with my feelings and I don't even like what I feel when I'm with you, so I create fights and problems to try to forget about it, but it's not working. So just reject me right away so I can be sad for a few weeks and live my life normally without this butterflies in my stomach and fucking nervousness!-

He looked at his hands at the end of the sentence, nervous and expecting a laugh from the other, along with a big and painful "I hate you". But what he got were sweet laughs, laughs they had never heard from the Brit. It was a subtle, amused laugh, nothing like the mocking laugh he'd been expecting. Thomas looked at him with his eyes half closed by the smile and held his hands that were together unconsciously pinching each other.

- Be more clear please. I can't understand if you like me or if you hate me for liking me or if you just hate me. I didn't understand anything hahah-

Tord took a deep breath, clearly annoyed but understanding the other's confusion. He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the touch of the other's strong, cold hands.

- I'm not good with words, okay?! It's not my fault...but ok, I'll be clearer...I do like you, but I don't like the sensations you bring me for that. So, to make it easier for me, I ask that you just say no without offending me and just leave me alone for a few weeks, or forever too...whatever is best for you...-

Thomas just smiled, feeling sorry for the sad tone Tord's speech took on towards the end. He was expecting a harsh rejection and seemed to be preparing for it. Tom just stroked Tord's hands, silently asking him to stop picking at his nails.

- What if I don't want to reject you? Does it also help you if it's reciprocal?-

They were silent for a few moments, before Tord shifted his gaze from the bench to Tom, extremely surprised and astonished. He had no words, he wasn't able to assimilate all the information correctly. Thomas just sipped his tea, hiding his nervousness and anxiety for an answer.

- Well, I don't know. It's worse now...but it doesn't seem so bad anymore...I think it helps…yeah-

He smiled at the man in front of him who smiled back at him. A few seconds passed and they started laughing immediately, holding back so as not to wake the others. They looked at each other with a happy face, holding hands.

- So, what are we now?-

Tord asked, knowing that Tom wasn't much of a relationship person, any more than he was. Thomas seemed to think a little with a sly smile.

- Why don't we go on some dates? No commitments and nothing yet, just to slow down and get to know each other better. What do you think?-

Tord smiled at the answer, liking the suggestion and then accepting it. They would go calmly, without compromise and respecting each other's wishes.

#tord ew #eddsworld #tom ew #tomtord #tordtom #fanfic

[theivorybilledwoodpecker]

Erin Wolf of Falmouth loves being a mom. She and her husband already had two boys when she found out she was expecting a third in 2016. "Which was a very much wanted and planned for pregnancy," she says. They decided to name him Dylan. Wolf was 35 and considered advanced maternal age, which meant she had extra testing to check for fetal anomalies. For the first four months, everything was fine. But at 17 weeks, some routine lab work came back abnormal. After more testing, Wolf received a grim prognosis. Dylan had an open neural tube defect. It was a severe form of spina bifida. He had irreversible brain damage and would need multiple shunts put in his brain after he was born. He wouldn't be able to walk. His life would be spent in and out of hospitals. "After soul searching, and really thinking about the quality of life that we wanted for our son, and for our other living children, we made what was really a heartbreaking decision," Wolf says. "And we elected to end my pregnancy." By this time, Wolf was 18 and a half weeks pregnant. It was a decision that she couldn't have made any earlier. .... Dana Peirce of Yarmouth was 39 when she was pregnant with her second child. And, like Wolf, she had many tests. Genetic screenings. Ultrasounds. They all came back normal. Then, at 32 weeks, she went in for a routine growth scan. She couldn't wait. She had already started a baby book for her son, named Cameron, and she wanted pictures. But as she glanced at the screen she noticed two numbers in the corner. They didn't match. "His head was measuring about 36 weeks, and his limbs were measuring about 22 weeks," Peirce says. Peirce knew something wasn't right. Shortly after the scan, the obstetrician delivered devastating news. Cameron had a rare bone disorder called lethal skeletal dysplasia. "I remember crying and then apologizing for crying," Peirce says. "And she said something like, 'Oh, no, this is really bad. It never happens, but it is happening. And it is totally appropriate for you to be very upset.'" If Cameron survived until birth, he would have difficulty breathing. He had a broken femur and several healed fractures. "That was incredibly upsetting and horrible to know that he had essentially been normal at 20 weeks, and then for who knows how long breaking bones inside of me," Peirce says. "And I just was so horrified that he was broken and I hadn't known and he had been suffering this whole time." Peirce didn't want Cameron to suffer any more. She wanted an abortion. But she was at 32 weeks, well beyond Maine's typical limit of 24 weeks, when a fetus is considered viable. Even so, Dr. Andrea Pelletier, the medical director of Planned Parenthood of Northern New England, says viability is a gray zone and it depends on the conditions of each pregnancy.

#Dana Peirce #Erin Wolf #Abortion

[fierceawakening]

re this post

I'm thinking about one thing she says that struck me:

"when I was in the gender community and chanted TWAW under every post"

Which is interesting. It's meant to imply that you just sort of... learn that people think trans women are women by osmosis and shrug and go with it. The use of the word "chanting" suggests that it's a habit, a mindless thing one is just sort of expected to say without any thought behind it.

And... why would that be?

(fair warning, I'm going to talk about changing thoughts on sex and gender and about some older trans terminology that was the big thing when I first learned it, and some of this is stuff that has fallen out of favor, ostensibly because it can cause some people to feel dysphoric. Take care of yourselves, as I intend to say it anyway.)

Like, the one thing terfs are RIGHT about is that the vast majority of us are taught that male and female are sexes we are born with, that everybody is one or the other, and that we know what our gender is by knowing our sex, because our gender just is a set of social expectations that go with our sex. They can fluctuate over time, and especially do when feminism and antifeminism lash and backlash against one another over what is acceptable, but there never stops being a social expectation and you never stop knowing what it is, or that you didn't get to pick it because of your chromosomes and your penis or vagina.

If you're taught anything MORE nuanced than this it's usually "some people are born with unusual defects," and maybe if our family is VERY progressive there's a "and these people should get to pick a role for themselves, because they're a special case" in there.

But like... even I, who have been gender nonconforming all my life, learned that this was how it worked, and so when I started to have cross-gender thoughts they didn't pop into my brain as "am I a boy?" Obviously I couldn't be! You're born a boy or a girl, and you know which by what you look like naked! So my thoughts were, "was I SUPPOSED TO BE a boy?" As in, was there some reason I kept having these thoughts when the truth is something I didn't choose, in the same way I didn't choose my disability?

Which is why when I first met someone who called herself "a transsexual," I actually DID doubt whether she was making sense. I ddin't say this to her--she was a person talking to me about something she cared about--but the idea that I didn't wonder if it was REALLY possible for her to be a woman, given what I understood a woman to be, is just strange.

What happened wasn't some chanty parroting of a new gender paradigm I immediately took on to be nice. It was: what is this person telling me? Does it make sense? She seems nice, and I wouldn't have called her he if she hadn't just told me she used to be a boy. I don't think I'm gonna call her he--that seems mean, like I'm deciding she's wrong without getting to know what she did and why--but huh. Weird.

I don't know that I would have said "trans women are women" at this point. But I probably had the thought "this person is a little like me. Except she decided that if she SHOULD HAVE been a girl, why not TRY TO BECOME a girl? I mean now that she's pointed it out I can tell she was born male but I would have just thought she's tall and butch? Hm, does that mean I can become a boy? I decided no years ago because people said I would have INSISTED I already was a boy before, but... maybe that's not right. Why would I insist I was a boy if I knew what 'female' is and could see that I am that thing? That would seem not factual. But maybe 'I should've been' is... the same thing? Hmm."

So then I encountered "Male-to-Female" and "Female-to-Male," and THOSE made perfect sense to me. I'm female now, but I feel weird about it. Maybe I'd be happier if I became male! But that's a lot of changes to my body. Hmm, I don't know.

But it made sense... taking raw material you were given by chance and altering it so you'd be happier.

And that's kind of still how I feel. I get why people dislike "Trans women are male women and trans men are female men," but back in the day some people I met talked about themselves in exactly that way. The raw material can't be completely altered, but the result is not what one began with, and one can more easily shift social role if one looks the part. And likely hates one's body less.

So the question then becomes, does physical transition alter a human ENOUGH that they can be considered to now be a different sex? And THAT seems to me to just be a matter of consensus, and... you know, if someone tells me "I changed my hormone balance and am growing breasts. I don't consider myself male any more." I'm just going to go "great," because it's no actual skin off my back where that line is. Same if they say "I'm still male, but a woman" which most don't--it's just about where a line is, and I don't care about that line enough to decide.

So... yeah. The whole idea that this process led me to "it makes more sense to consider a trans woman a woman and a trans man a man than to assert that their social role is as unchangeable as their sex, especially when SOME ASPECTS OF sex ARE changeable too" by... rote parroting is weird.

There are some aspects of the way the trans community talks now that I don't get. Like people will say "I'm not FTM, I was always male" and this confuses me, because I never re-mapped what "male" means in my head--it's the raw material. If you don't need to alter that, how are you trans? Like, you can just change your social role without changing your body if you want, but then my brain considers you "female man." I'm not going to SAY this in front of you because it sounds like I might mean it as an insult, but I'm technically going to think it. Unaltered sex, new gender role.

But, again... that ALSO supports the idea that I'm thinking for myself. OTher people's self-conception and terminology changed based on what they felt worked for them; mine didn't because, again, I think it sounds counterfactual and get uncomfortable.

So... yeah, the idea that most of us are just... copying things people are saying, rather than meeting someone we know and like and then questioning the boundaries of a simple story for kids assumed to all be cis, is BAFFLING to me.

[rogue-durin-16]

THINGS NEVER GO AS PLANNED (Part VII/VII)

"apart"

Summary: After Fred's death, George and Y/n lean on each other to carry on. This wasn't the most brilliant idea, though; George was pretty much in love with the girl, and Y/n— well, she had been dating Fred prior to the Battle of Hogwarts.

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Genre: angst

Tags:

Suggested by: @crispykittywitch

George Weasley: @meph1stophelian

Things never go as planned: @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @beautyschoo1dropout @s1ut4georgeweasley @sunshineandshadows @missmulti @accioweaslcy @andreaareynoso @georgeweasley16 @dianarte @skarlettmikaelson

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog @amourtentiaa @just-here-to-escape-from-reality

Warnings: language (?) Angst

A/N: P L E A S E DON'T MURDER ME YET THERE'S AN EPILOGUE OKAY?! OKAY now enjoy <3

Prologue: the aftermath

Part I: sleepless nights

Part II: candy floss

Part III: shock therapy

Part VI: wrong name

Part V: the perfect excuse

Part VI: the downfall

Epilogue: I still love you

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

Since the Amortentia incident, Y/n had barely looked at me; not in the way I had avoided her after New Year, though, this time, it was different. She didn't seem to be doing it accidentally, rather than on purpose; she appeared to be too lost into her turmoil of thoughts to realise what she was doing, which scared me more.

I had figured the Amortentia would have had something to do with it, but it took me two days to pick up on it.

Undoubtedly, Y/n had smelled Fred's scent on it, and it dawned on her how twisted what we were doing was.

I cried myself to sleep the night that my mind stumbled upon that information. I let myself sob violently, pouring out as much pain as I could, wanting to wash away the recurrent thoughts that creeped on my mind, thoughts that were not unfounded.

That was it— I had lost both a friend and the woman I loved.

Once the tears seem to die out, a new thought appeared in my mind; maybe I was meant to be alone. I could barely function alone, how was I supposed to function with another person?

Perhaps I had always be meant to be alone.

I was going to be alone forever.

I was alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

READER'S P. O. V.

It took my careless arse a hot minute to be aware of how obvious my emotional rollercoaster was from the outside; George had been getting visibly upset by it —I'd dare to reckon he even cried the past night because of it—, and I had to stop that, but how?

I knew it was always best to tell the truth, but where would that take us? Nowhere good. I couldn't just tell George I was in love with him and expect us not to fall apart even harder.

He would think I'm lying, or that I'm using him as a second option —I couldn't let him think that—, but again, his mind had probably gone to those thoughts due to my radio silence.

I had to tell him the truth, and face the consequences.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sound of our front door's lock opening snapped me out of my own mind, and even made me jump a bit in the couch I sat. I had been waiting for George to arrive for a good couple of hours, weighing on how I could approach the topic, but I didn't seem to come up with anything remotely good.

He stepped into the flat with his eyes casted down, so it took him a moment to acknowledge my presence. "I—" his now dull eyes observed me with confusion, as if he wasn't expecting to see me in my own flat. "what are you doing awake?"

"Waiting for you." He closed the door, scrutinising me with furrowed brows. "I— well—" I cleared my throat and got up, causing his shoulders to tense up. "I wanted to tell you something."

I thought I would have to fight his childish behavior and convince him not to dodge the subject, but he only leaned on the door, his hands behind his back and his eyes casted down. "I... I wanted to tell you something too."

"You go first." I prompted him, planning on using those extra seconds to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to say —as if I hadn't been trying to mentally prepare myself for two hours already.

He peeked at me and sighed, his eyes coming back to his shoes before speaking. "I don't know how to say this— I" he pursed his lips and I could see the struggle irradiating from him. "I think you should move out." Now I knew why he refused to meet my gaze. "We— we need time away y'know— Fleur offered to help you look for an apartment. I'll go back to the Burrow until you find one— and I'm not firing you but I would appreciate if you didn't attend the clients if I'm there."

I should have spoken first, I scolded myself.

"Why?"

"What why?"

"Why you should've spoken first?"

"I— well, so you see," I tugged on my sleeves; it was my turn to avoid his look. "W-when I spilled the Amortentia— well I— I smelled—"

"I know."

"You... Do?"

"Yeah, that's... That's why I think we need some time away."

I had never in my life had my heart shattered in so many pieces in such a short span of time. The pain was so immense that I wasn't able to shed a single tear. Out of every outcome, this was the least expected.

"O-okay." We kept sneaking glances at each other in a dreadful silence until our eyes accidentally met. "I think—"

"I should—"

Another best of silence fell among us after we simultaneously spoke.

"I should go pick some things up." He muttered, passing by my side as fast as he could.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I caught him, as I expected, sneaking out of the flat with one of the bags he had carried in months ago.

He was already exiting when I jogged out of my room, managing to catch his hand.

I could see the goosebumps in his arm, and I thanked Merlin he couldn't hear my heart threatening to leaving my chest to go with him.

"I'm really sorry, George." I whispered, squeezing his hand. Although I had a tiny bit of hope that he would change his mind and step back into our home if I said those words, it was more of a goodbye.

He just shook his head, letting me know there was no need for an apology, and squeezed my hand back before pulling away.

His fingers slipping away from mines was such an emptying feeling, as if my connection with him slept away from my grasp forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to sleep that night hoping George's parting would have been a nightmare, and I cried the morning after when my brain took in that it was, in fact, very much real.

A heavily pregnant Fleur showed up that afternoon; she made me dinner and tried to cheer me up a little before making me get dressed so she could drag me out to look for flats in the Diagon Alley. It was an unsuccessful trip, but the Triwizard Tournament Champion wasn't about to give up so easily, so she came the next day, and the following, and on and on for a week.

As if summoned by the woman's will to find me a new home, we found a cheap, acceptable apartment near the shop.

I purchased it instantly, and soon enough I was moving out my things with Bill's help, to stop his wife from helping me herself.

"That's the last one, right?" Bill questioned, nodding at the bag laying on the couch with a box in his hands.

"Yup." I pulled it up and hung it on my shoulder.

"Need anything else?" I shook my head no. "Alright then I'll leave this at your place and apparate back home." He hesitated for a moment before adding, "I know it's none of my business but... Whatever happened between you two— it's fixable, believe me."

"I really don't think so." I muttered, gripping the bag's strap.

"It is," he repeated, adjusting the box in his arms. "just don't give up." He gave me a small, reassuring smile and disapparated.

Maybe he was right, maybe it was fixable. Taking a look around the now emptier apartment, I thought it surely didn't seem like it, but hope is the last thing you lose, right?

In a final attempt of getting him back, I grabbed a notebook from the bag and teared a page off it; I left the bag besides me as I knelt down and reached for a pencil forgotten over the coffee table.

Three Days Later

GEORGE'S P. O. V.

I entered the apartment— it was quiet, similar to a cemetery, just like the first time I stepped on the apartment after the war.

This time, it was empty, though.

Y/n didn't rush to the door when I opened it.

She didn't catch me when I fell on my knees and broke down to tears.

I was alone.

After Godric knows how long I managed to get myself back to my feet. I passed Y/n's old room as fast as I had first passed Fred's room months ago.

Once I got to my room and lay down on my bed, my mind cleared up enough for me to realise that I would be seeing Y/n the next day —at least once— at the shop.

"Fuck." I muttered, burying my face on my pillow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

READER'S P. O. V.

He had asked me not to leave the office while he was in the shop.

He had explicitly asked me not to, but I needed to know if he had read my letter— no, I need to know if I had taken a step in the right direction by writing the letter.

So there I was, descending the stairs in his direction, and taking my time to do so since he was talking with a couple of clients.

"Y/n!" Verity rushed to me with what seemed a defective portable swamp. "I need your help with this," My eyes, still on George, caught the way his head snapped in my direction with sheer fear on it. "I've got a woman there threatening with suing us because the swamp send one of her children to St. Mungo!" The girl managed to get my attention with her anxious rambling.

"She can't do that." George, who had probably caught on Verity's words, spoke before I could. "She agreed on our shop policy." He reminded her, walking to stand by my side.

"I already told her that Mister Weasley, but she said she's 'not taking the words of a pipsqueak'." She replied in a whisper.

"She said what?" George questioned in disbelief.

"I'm gonna shove that lawsuit up her arse." I spoke, spotting the completely out of place middle aged woman who stood in front of Verity's till. "Send her to the office." Verity looked at me and then at George for confirmation, who simply gave her a nod.

Once Verity left, I turned to the ginger, whose warm eyes were already fixed on me. "How are you?" He inquired in a way that let me see it was out of politeness, which made my hopes die a little.

"Been better." I replied, ready to somehow test the waters. "How about you?"

"Same, I suppose." George didn't even try to put on a happy face, and I started to get anxious; there was no way he would have missed the note —I left it on the kitchen table— so that meant he had read it and- "You should go back to the office."

My heart attempted to hold onto the possibility of him not having read the note, but my brain knew better than that. "Alright." I nodded and went back to my workplace; I would deal with that woman and after that, I would prepare a resignation letter.

George was right, we needed to be apart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn't that bad, I lied to myself, sitting down on the sofa while undoing the tie's knot.

My mind was about to begin the overthinking of Y/n's words when my stomach growled. Without noticing, I had gone without a single meal for the entire day.

I listened to my body and moved to the kitchen to prepare myself something. While the stove heated up, I turned around and took a look at the kitchen; just like the rest of the rooms, it seemed gloomier without Y/n lighting up the apartment.

Stop thinking about her.

My eyes landed on a piece of paper with one of Y/n's rings over it. Before properly realising it, I was sitting down on one of the chairs and reading what had been written in the scrapped page.

Dear George,

I know what happened is on both of us, but I can't help but blame myself, as selfish as it might sound.

You don't know this, but while at Hogwarts, I found you and Fred rather annoying— I didn't understand why everyone seemed to fancy you so much. Then, you hired me to work in this amazing shop, and I understood.

During these past two years I had the pleasure and honour to call you my friend; you made my life much better, I'd like to think I did the same.

I wanted to apologise for everything I've done since New Year. I'm so very sorry for falling in love with you. Though it was something so easy to happen, I never thought it would go this far.

I don't know what is this letter (a proper goodbye? I don't know), but I want need you to know that I never wanted to harm you nor our friendship, and that I'm still going to be here for you, feelings aside.

Love,

Y/n.

I re-read the fourth paragraph at least five times before taking it in.

She had fallen in love with me.

That's what she had meant to say when she spoke to me about the Amortentia— that she had smelled my scent— Oh no.

My reply— she probably thought it was unrequited; she probably thought I had kicked her out because she was in love with me and not quite the opposite.

Without thinking twice, I ran down to the office with the letter clutched in my hand; she had to be there, she was always the last one to leave.

She had to be there.

I was so focused on reaching the office on time that I missed Y/b's figure exiting the shop.

I slammed the door open, just to find the table's surface, which used to be full of Y/n's things, clean in its entirety, aside from an envelope which had written on it 'resignation'.

"No."

READER'S P. O. V.

I had just left the small box with my things over the coffee table, and was taking off my shoes when an apparition noise followed by a couple of bangs on my front door made me jolt.

Out of a sad habit I, among the rest of the Order, had gotten during the war, I grabbed my wand and approached the door.

My arm fell limply on my side while I stared into George's eyes, which seemed to hold back a storm of mixed emotions.

"C-can we talk?" My gaze then fell on the paper his hand was gripping, and that I assumed was my resignation.

"George, listen, I can't—"

"I'm in love with you."

Words had stumbled out of his mouth in panic, and the only thing I could reply was, "What?"

#george weasley headcanon #george weasley fanfiction #george weasley fanfic #george weasley x you #george weasley x reader angst #george weasley x reader #george weasley x y/n #george weasley x ravenclaw!reader #george weasley x hufflepuff!reader #george weasley x gryffindor!reader #george weasley x slytherin!reader #george weasley smut #george x reader smut #harry potter imagine #harry potter fanfiction #things never go as planned

[midnightseonghwa]

“맘속엔 어린아이가 있어”

“There’s a little kid in my heart.”

- Kidult, Seventeen

[11:15 am]

"Well," drawled a voice from behind you.

"If it isn't fruit breaker and heart breaker."

You and Jongho turned and greeted the voice with a smile.

"Well, if it isn' Mr Expensive Pumpkin Patch," you scoffed and Jongho sniggered next to you.

Yunho rolled his eyes and but the small smile that made its way on his face betrayed his tough exterior.

"Please tell me your strong best friend is not going to see if he can break a pumpkin with his fist."

You could almost see the panic in Yunho's eyes as he muttered those words but unfortunately for him, that was exactly why you were here...that and you wanted a pumpkin to carve for Halloween. Why not kill two birds with one stone?

"Of course not, Yuyu. How could you think that?" Your words faltered and Yunho's eyes widened.

"Jongho, tell me that's not true..." Yunho trailed off and looked at your best friend who just casually shrugged his shoulders and refused to meet the taller boy's eyes.

"I mean..." Jongho started but what quickly cut off by you.

"What he means is that we're here to buy a pumpkin to carve. The best one you have please, Yuyu," you said and batted your eyelashes at the male just for extra effect.

Jongho always did say you had a flare for the dramatics.

The tall male eyed you both suspiciously before treading off, both of you close behind him.

"Do you think he knows?" Jongho asked and you shook your head confidently.

You really hoped Yunho hadn't caught on.

You and Jongho watched as Yunho described the different types of pumpkins and gourds he was growing on his farm. It really wasn't much interest but you swore that the world could probably live off the happiness that his face radiated every time he spoke about those vegetables.

"Hey, hey (Y/n)," Jongho tapped you and you followed his gaze.

There it was.

The perfect pumpkin for your little experiment.

"Are you sure that's the one?" You asked and Jongho nodded.

You nodded and called out to Yunho.

"Yunho, what about that one?" You said and pointed to the bright orange one on the farthest end of the field.

"(Y/n), that one's been deemed a defect. It's not the right size," he said and frowned.

You looked at Jongho with sparkling eyes.

"Oh..." you said and then looked back at Yunho who was already rambling about the different types of pumpkins.

From the side of your eye, you saw Jongho sneak off and run to the other side of the field.

"Pssst, hey," you shouted, low enough to not get Yunho's attention but enough to get Jongho's.

"Where are you going?" You said and he just gave you a thumbs up, giggling brightly like a child. God, you wanted to hug him and let him go.

"As I was saying (Y/n)- where is he going?" Yunho sounded alarmed as Jongho stepped into the pit, setting his hands around the vegetable.

Jongho looked at you with raised eyebrows and you lowly nodded at him. Slowly but steadily, both of you telepathically counted to three and on the last count, Jongho uprooted the vegetable and ran off in the other direction as best as he could.

Just as he ran off, you did as well.

"Thank you, Yuyu! See you for Halloween! Mine and Jongho's place, ten o'clock! Don't forget!"

Your rushed words didn't even register in Yunho's brain as he watched you and your best friend run away with a pumpkin.

"Those brats, I swear-"

#ateez fluff #ateez fanfic #ateez scenario #kpop fluff #ateez #ateez one shot #ateez oneshot #midnight seonghwa #fluff #에이티즈 #ateez choi jongho #jongho fluff #yunho Ateez #ateez Jongho #Ateez Yunho #Jongho Ateez #yunho fluff #halloween au #Halloween time stamp #yunho and Jongho time stamp #jung yunho #Ateez yunho #fluff Jongho #종호 에이티즈 #윤호 에이티즈 #에이티즈 종호 #ateez imagines #imagine ateez

[37-children-of-the-dreams]

Day #36: Love Story (Epilogue)

The day is finally here. Korkie and Crosshair might have been just a brain worm, but these two have been fun to write. So long boys. May the Force be with you.

---------------------

(Epilogue)

The rich deserts of Kalevala was shining through the windshield of the Katalyst and the passengers were happy to be back. Even if it wasn’t going to be for long. 

Fennec had the pilot’s pit to herself. Korkie and Crosshair were far too busy at their bedroom to be the pilots. Sarad was too busy playing with her wedding bow that she tore it apart. Crosshair was smirking too much for Korkie’s sake.

“That’s my duchess!” Crosshair said. “You look better with armor anyway.”

“Cross, she’s too tiny,” Korkie groaned. “She’s the size of a two-year old. Kryze would wear armor when they’re bigger. Also, today’s our wedding.”

“Well, it’s a Mandalorian wedding. Shouldn't we have armor?”

“We have weapons. No one is going to attack our wedding if they know what’s good for them.”

Crosshair smiled and kissed his fiancee’s forehead. It was a year since they’ve met and they’ve been through so much. The fights, the target practice, the bounties and having Sarad. They grew as partners and as a couple. And now they’re getting married in Kalevala.

Which was Crosshair’s idea. He wanted Bo-Katan to watch him marry her former nephew. Though, he said it was because he wanted to marry at the place they first met.

Korkie didn’t believe his excuse, but he wanted Nanny Rana to watch his wedding. Also, he wanted to see Bo-Katan faint at the sight of him marrying Crosshair while the Bad Batch was in attendance. 

The Bad Batch was already at Kalevala because of Crosshair. He wanted Rana to get them fitted for the wedding and he deathly knows how bad they were at wearing top-grade suits. Hunter and Echo were always trying to get away from wearing something they felt undeserving, Tech would be too busy talking about clothing facts to wear one, and Wrecker was just big. Yet, Rana seemed to know what to do since she sent a comm of them in their wedding outfits.

As for the Shands. Well, Luka was once a wedding officiant before Fennec was born and he did demand that he wear clothes fitting for a former officiant. Kristal wore a motherly blue gray dress that matched her husband’s clothes. Fennec wouldn’t stop beaming in happiness at the sight of her happy parents. She asked to wear a dress with leggings in case of a Bo-Katan attack.

As for the grooms and Sarad? Crosshair had a gray suit he asked Rana to prepare for his wedding. It was simple and made out of Beskar to make sure it would hold for years. Korkie wanted to wear the last outfit he ever created for his mother. A rather plain blue dress that he knows Bo-Katan would try to burn in anger. To match her fathers, Korkie made Sarad wear a gray and blue dress. With a now broken blue bow because it wasn't made with Beskar.

Fennec saw the Havoc Marauder and landed near the Bad Batch’s ship. The four exited the Katalyst with two boxes containing Fennec’s dress and Korkie’s wedding dress. Rana and the Shands greeted the four first. Then, the Bad Batch came out and hugged Crosshair.

“Congrats, Crosshair,” Hunter said. “I’m so proud to call you my brother.”

“I’m happy to know you’re the one giving me away,” Crosshair said.

They went back to the mansion to talk about the steps of the wedding. Korkie and Fennec went to their rooms to wear their dress while Crosshair was too busy cradling Sarad. Rana and the Shands went to the garden to finish up the place.

“She’ll always have bragging rights against future siblings,” Wrecker said. 

“Your next children would possible ask you for a recreation of the wedding,” Tech pointed out. “ Sarad might rally them if she wants them to understand what a wedding is.”

“Wouldn’t they already understand if they teach the kids?” Echo asked.

“They might,” Crosshair said. “But, I’d be happy to recreate the best day of my life.”

Hunter laughed. Crosshair had changed from the cold sniper they all knew. HE was kinder and warmer.

“It’s time,” Kristal said when she fetched them. “The place is ready, Fennec is there, Rana is getting Korkie and my husband is trying his best not to cry. Oh, and the birds are singing like it’s the biggest wedding in the whole galaxy.”

The Bad Batch and Sarad were taken to the garden where Crosshair met Korkie. He gave Sarad to Fennec and the girls went to their designated spot. Tech, Wrecker and Echo went to the opposite side of her. Hunter took out his arm and walked Crosshair down the aisle. Hunter was not going to cry before his brother said his vows. At the aisle, Crosshair looked at the entrance and smiled. Korkie was wearing the wedding dress like a true Duke of Mandalore and had a bouquet of beautiful flowers. Rana was already crying since she was full of happiness that she couldn’t wait. 

When Korkie took to his side of the aisle, Crosshair couldn’t stop laughing at the sight of his groom. He had a hard life as a defective clone, but what can he say now? He got the best man to marry him.

“Friends, Family and Guest,” Luka started. “We are gathered here to join these men as husbands in wedded life. If there is anyone who would deny this right, speak now--”

The door open and Korkie groaned in unsurpassed annoyance. Bo-Katan and her Nite Owls had arrived. They brought Amis, Lagos and Soniee with them.

“What now Lady Bo-Katan?!” Korkie screamed. “I know I’m not supposed to be here, but this place is where my husband and I met!”

Bo-Katan steeled herself as Amis, Lagos, ans Sonies said sorry to the wedding party.

“I’m not here to stop you,” she said.

Korkie and Crosshair gave her a surprised look. She had to be joking, right?

“I really am not going to ruin whatever this is. I’m just here to witness it and finally announce that Satine’s bloodline has finally ended. You’re more than open to continue. I just have to see the last of my sister leave Clan Kryze and be with someone I know might not have been the best pick, but the one that makes him happy for the rest of his life.”

Bo-Katan said nothing else and let the wedding continue by having her Nite Owls stand next to the doors as if they were going to exit the instant the wedding ended. Korkie nodded at his former aunt and her decision. It might have been more hurtful to her losing the last piece of Satine, but even they knew their relationship was not going to be the same anymore.

“Well,” Luka said. “Let’s get back to the wedding. I’ve read the entire book on Kryze weddings, and I know it’s time for the promise vows. Then after the vows, it’s the marriage vows to which they’ll be husbands for life.”

Korkie went first since he was a former Kryze.

“Crosshair,” he started. “When I first met you, I was an unhappy former duke who had his entire life destroyed and was exiled from Mandalore for whatever reasons. I initially wanted to use you to get away from Mandalore and anger my entire House because you were there in my visions getting me away from Mandalore. 

Then, I realize I’m not a master manipulator and stuck myself to you because why not? I’m already away from Kalevala and you’re a bounty hunter, so what were the chances?”

The entire wedding party laughed much to Crosshair’s dismay. He really know how to end up with Korkie of all Mandalorians.

“Then, we bonded. I know I made stupid risk that day getting the carbonite unit and almost got both of us killed, but I’m grateful that you saw that I was just trying to help. Then, I forgot the fuel for the hyperdrive and we talked about our respective families. Then, Tatooine where we met Fennec...”

Korkie took a breathe and finally cried looking at his Crosshair.

“What I’m just saying is, you had multiple chances to just ditch me and leave me for dead, but you didn’t. You said I was important when I needed to hear it. I made me feel important after all the pain I had been given after my mother’s death. You gave me a family again. I will never stop loving you and I will always love hearing that I’m your husband til the day I die. I love you, Cyare.”

Crosshair smiled. He knows it’s his turn, but he needs a pause. He took a breathe and spoke.

“You’re never going to stop being important to me,” he declared. “I was angry, lonely, and I had just broke away from my brothers. I wanted to show me I was capable of being a big-time bounty hunter and it lead me to you. I’ll never forget the day I thought I had you as a bounty, you were just sitting here in this garden ready for a deal that would change my life. I didn’t believe you until you almost killed that Death Watch commander and made me realize how true your deal was. 

Ans you’re right, we had a bunch of ups and downs, but you never gave up on me. I remember the day I was teaching Fennec how to shoot. We both know it was a disaster since I’m not a teacher, but instead of just leaving me in the rain, you came for me and told me I can always talk to you. Which is true because despite the fact I made you feel like we’re galaxies apart at times, you still wanted to be near me. You were patient and you did not take my words as a sign of backing off, but instead you kept telling me that I can talk to you. Then, you’re old friends came, and I really thought for one second you’d leave me for them. Yet, you never did and you made us trick them into thinking we’re already married by scarring Lagos for life with us kissing like it’s our actual wedding night.”

Lagos blushed as Bo-Katan looked at her with dismay. She never did tell Bo-Katan that Korkie and Crosshair might have done the deed before marriage. The Bad Batch had to hold their laughter as Bo-Katan looked like she was about to faint. They were betting with Fennec on this. One hundred credits on the line.

“And like you said, we have a family to ourselves because of our bond. Well, including my brothers and Fennec it’s a quite a chaotic family. Yet, it’s perfect for me. You healed me and I’d die fighting for this marriage, and this family. Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum, my darling Korkie. You’re forever the only one for me.”

“Now for the marriage vows!” Luka announced.

Korkie and Crosshair looked at each other’s eyes and started their vows.

“Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome, mhi me'dinui an, mhi ba'juri verde" (We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors.)”

The two Keldabe kissed first and kissed on the lips afterward.

The entire place erupted in cheers. Even Bo-Katan and her Nite Owls cheered for the marriage. Then, Bo-Katan went towards them.

“Please,” Bo-Katan begged. “Tell you didn’t pull a Satine. You know? As in did the deed before marriage?”

Korkie blushed and ducked his head on Crosshair’s suit. Crosshair shrugged as if to say ‘So what?’

Bo-Katan fainted to the happiness of Wrecker and Fennec. They did bet against Hunter, Tech and Echo that Bo-Katan might come and faint during the wedding. The three placed their credits to the winners as the Nite Owls grabbed her and steadied the heiress.

“You really are Satine’s son,” Bo-Katan said. “Going after the worst possible suitors and being in love with them.”

“At least I’m not a Jedi,” Crosshair pointed out.

“That kind of makes it less painful.”

Bo-Katan exited the mansion with her Nite Owls following her. Amis, Lagos, and Soniee stayed for the wedding reception. Which was minutes after the wedding. The food was great, the atmosphere was nice and the family pictures were one to remember.

As Korkie and Crosshair took their last couples photo alone. They took each other’s hand and closed their eyes. This was the best love story they had a part in. It felt like a dream come true to the both of them.

(That is my fan art of Crosshair and Korkie. It was a hard fought second place.)

#korkie kryze #crosshair #clone trooper crosshair #korkie kenobi #fennec shand #korkie x crosshair #star wars #the bad batch #clone trooper hunter #clone trooper echo #clone trooper wrecker #clone trooper tech

[whitehairedclea]

Red Roulette part VIII

Helena sat in her office remembering Chang's words from last night. “As if I didn't know about my intuition, if it wasn't for my intuition I wouldn't open casinos in the States or raise such amount of money, you idiot” she thought. Then, for a split second, she remembered his hands holding her hand and her waist. Gently, yet firm enough to keep her from talking any more. She lit a cigarette and tossed the lighter at the corner of the desk. She quickly dispelled her memories, returning to the issue of the diamond. From the words of Chang showed that the guy did it on behalf of someone, and so probably the diamond has already been transferred to the client.

"Sebastian!"

A seconds later he appeared in the office waiting for an order.

"Bring the Spider over here immediately, maybe he will know something today that will be helpful"

"Of course, I'll get him right away," he replied and left the office quickly.

If someone did order the theft of the diamond, there must have been some trace of it on the streets. So many informants were fooling around deceiving every single profitable handful of information that such a fact of handing over the diamond could not have escaped them.

“ Mrs. Roulette! How nice ... "Spider began as soon as he entered, but Helena quickly cut off his greeting. 

“Okay, finish this cirrus. Fast. Have you heard of any strange meeting last night? "

"Virtually every one in this city, as if you could be more precise"

“It's mainly about the diamond, so focus. Whatever you heard, whatever you know "

“Let's start 600,000,” he smiled.

She had no desire or time to bargain with him, so she just nodded, trying to trust her intuition that he was the only person who could move her search forward.

"I heard one guy brag about a huge amount of money earned for one thing, just one Job. Maybe not a diamond specifically, but quite a similarity"

"Well, who was it then?"

"One of the people coming to the Yellow Flag, long brown hair, possibly American, weird that’s why I remember and that's all I know."

This was more than she could figure out so far, so she thought she had found the lead. All she had to do was find this man and find out who told him to do the job. Time was running out and there was also a risk that someone would want to sell this diamond abroad. Probably worth more than all of Roanapur .

***

  Sebastian headed for the Yellow Flag, a dingy bar on the main street. Inside, it was swarming with suspicious curiosities - dealers, bounty hunters, dirty workmen, prostitutes who could be hired upstairs. In all this hive, he was looking for an American with long hair. 

"Hi Bao " greeted the owner "how's the deal?"

"So far so good, it's only been a week since the last damage, how r you ?"

"It's pretty good to say the casino is spinning somehow, little problems"

"Problems? What, boss has her period? " laughed, but after Sebastian's expression he retired to safer topics "so what problems?"

"I'm looking for a new stranger, he must have arrived here about two days ago, a long-haired brunette, an American, have you heard something about it?"

Bao rapped on the counter to indicate that nothing is for free. Sebastian took a bundle of money out of his pocket and asked for a mug of beer for that.

"My dear, if any connoisseur from Uncle Sam is going to roll through this town, he is sure to look into a lovely restored place like the Yellow Flag!" Bao moved closer to him so that no one would hear what he was saying "... how to tell you, the girls upstairs are definitely perfect"

Sebastian didn’t need more. He jumped up, throwing an additional tip to the bartender, and ran upstairs. Already on the stairs there were crowds of women who were Whiting for the client. Mixed voices of men and women came from everywhere. Every room felt occupied. Sebastian had to choose one to find the American.

One room caught his attention as there was no sound. He decided to try and blew the door open. Inside, a white man sat on the couch, counting quite a large mountain of money. It was obvious this guy was the one he was looking for.

In an instant, he took out the gun before he could react and pointed it at him.

"Dude what are you ?!"

"I would advise you to start talking before your brain will be on that wall over there!" he shouted.

The gun was now right at his temple.

"Who did you sell the diamond to?" Sebastian asked the distressed American.

"It's nothing personal man"

'I don't care, you stole my boss's diamond, who's not a very patient woman. If you want to get out of this, I advise you to talk, we will probably manage without you, but it will be faster,' he replied, unlocking the gun.

The American, feeling the barrel of the gun against his temple, understood how much he did not care about keeping the client's secret. He had money, keeping his life was a priority. Later he talked more than had to.

He was commissioned by an Italian named Dotti right after his arrival in Roanapur. He escaped from the Italian mafia and hid somewhere in the city, gathering his strength to take over the position of the then mafia boss. He couldn't announce his great comeback yet, so he decided to start marking his grounds with minor intimidations. Defecting Helena was to scare her and take over the casino as a new home. The plan might have worked if it had happened to someone else. Helena wasn't going to let go of such an insult, she would have pulled information about him from the city's canals to get him.

"THIS IS ALL I KNOW!" he shouted "really even the pasta makers don't know where he is. NOBODY knows, I got the money a moment ago together with the key to this room!"

There was nothing else to ask. He sheathed the gun and grabbed the bag of money, then threw them all out of the open window. Hundreds of dollars scattered across the crowded street. Seconds later, there were shouts of surprise and fights for every dollar.

"FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER WTF ?!"

'Enjoy you're alive. I'd rather blow your head off now" Sebastian replied and left.

He returned to the casino as soon as possible. It was the most important piece of information, the main puzzle to solve the whole case. They might have started working before it was too fast to spread around town that the Roulette casino could be brazenly robbed.

Sebastian shared with Helena all the clues he had obtained. Without a moment's thought, she rushed to the phone and started calling known informants if anyone had heard of Datti's location . Unfortunately, silence, no one knew him and no one heard of him since he hid from the Italian mafia.

"The little fish don't know anything or don't want to sprinkle ..." she said, looking out the window. Sebastian had the impression that she was running out of ideas on what to do next.

'Maybe actually wait for an intimidation attempt? There is a chance he'll reveal himself. ”Helena didn't let him finish, she held up a hand to silence him.

'I won't wait, Sebastian. It's a perfect night to spill some blood, "she said with a slight smile on her face, then added," If the little fish don't know anything, let's see what the shark says. "

'It means ?'

'We're going to talk to All-Knowing-Mr-Chang , I think it might be a good move.' her green eyes flashed.

Sebastian felt as if she was getting excited about this whole situation.

***

The private line telephone began to ring. Chang picked up "Cho , if they're Cubans again with cocaine in their veins, fire them, I won't play business with junkies," he dropped after a hard day. From this morning, one of the cartel people wants to sell him the idea of cracking down on cocaine in Japan. Like a drugged man, full of vision, he only wasted his time.

'Of course boss, it's just ... they're not Cubans. Red Roulette and Sebastian are here asking for a meeting'

Somewhere in the background you could hear Helena's voice, who didn't like the phrase 'ask'. She clearly tried to correct that she required this meeting.

'Let them in'

Chang began to believe that this evening was not going to be written off after all. "But there are still people in this town who can keep me entertained," he thought. A moment later he heard the clap of heels and a knock on his office door.

'Come in'

Cho entered first and signaled that they could enter. Helena straightened her red hair quickly and walked in with a serious look.

"Why do I owe such a great visit," he asked, comfortably leaning against the desk.

'I'll be short because I don't have time. I know who ordered the theft and it was Dotti , a former member of the Italian Mafia, but I have no idea where he is ' she came close enough to rest her hands on his desk. The red nails tapped gently impatiently. Her green eyes, full of fury, waited for his reply. It was only then that he noticed that there was a tiny mole on her face next to her left eye. Right at the tip , as if it was waiting to be spotted under the cover of red waves of hair. The long black dress sparkled softly in the light, and Chang wished she would take a few steps back to see her leg emerging from the slit. The louder tapping of her nails brought him back to reality. He wanted to laugh at wandering his mind, but quickly gathered his thoughts.

"Of course, I know where he is. Boss of the italian mafia still makes me laugh that he can’t find this Dotti guy. I'll help you with him, " he replied, standing to put on his jacket.

'You misunderstood me, Mr. Chang. I don't want you to help me deal with him. Just give me his location, I'll do the rest myself. '

It made the corner of his mouth turn into a devilish smile. The predator's gaze shone from behind his black glasses . 

'Sorry, I misinterpreted your intentions. Then let me accompany you on this journey ”he offered her a hand, lowering his head as if inviting her to dance.

He was eager to see this confrontation unfold. And most of all, what she can do. As a new fish in town, she had to show that she could do more than sell information, otherwise it would be difficult for her. She could slide quickly to the very bottom of that Roanapur abyss .

'In that case, let's dance tonight' she smiled malevolently.

#mine

[let-thevoid-takeme]

2/25/21 6:57am

MLT: You were right to give me the nickname 'and another thing'. I should have gathered all my thoughts for my final message because I knew you weren't going to answer, but I was off work yesterday so I had plenty of time to sit with myself and be depressed as fuck. So just job your memory here's what I said:

"Felt that coming but I already said I will never again allow people to have  access to me"

Okay I really didn't want to hit you with a wall of text and do the and another thing, but you're being an asshole MLT.

Why are you acting like I broke your heart? You made your choice and I'm respecting that.  I'm very understanding, but do you not know how hard this is for me?

I've tried to hold this in because I don't want to stress you out or make you feel bad, but you really hurt me. I explicitly told you how bad of a spot I was in. I was ready to die. I was planning my death and you just came along and gave me hope again. And then you take that away from me. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have the person you love say 'You take the fun out of having a baby'?

You painted such a beautiful picture of our life together. I wanted it so bad and I don't get that. For the second time my hopes and dreams have been completely shattered, but despite that I'm still willing to be there for you. You don't call me like you used to or text me. You don't treat me the same. I'm just supposed to stick around and be constantly reminded that I'm an afterthought? That I don't don't matter? That you have no room in your life for me?

But I was doing it and I was managing my pain, but for you to tell me how you spent your weekend... MLT, what the fuck were you thinking? I will always love and support you. I try my very best to be understanding, but no women is so understanding that she wants to hear that the man she loves who RECENTLY dumped her for his wife that he RECENTLY married is HAPPILY celebrating their love in front of friends and family.

I'm cool, but I'm not that fucking cool. It's like you don't even know me anymore? Are you trying to hurt me? I know you're not but damn it feels like it.

And here's what I need to add:

You say you love us the same, but that's not true. You either love her more or you're a fucking coward because you don't do what you did to me if you loved me.

You knew that you had no intentions of leaving her so why present the situation like that? You know I'm cool as fuck. If just wanted to hit and quit the "girl of your dreams" I would have been cool with that. Why? Because I was fucking depressed and planning on killing myself any damn way, but no you had to give me hope and make me want to live again and I asked you not to do that if it wasn't real.

So how can you say you love and care for me when your plan was to string me along because your wife finally started pulling her weight because of my advice?

You didn't even answer my text and you'll lie to yourself and say it's because you don't like conflict. If you cared for me you wouldn't let me sit with this alone, but that's what you're doing. How many times did I ask you not to do that? How many times did I ask you to just tell me you need the space so my brain doesn't go off the wall? But you let me spiral every fucking time.

Honestly I got the idea to unfollow you because you did that shit first. You changed on me. Once your precious wife started being around you stopped making an effort with me, but I'm supposed to be special... right. I'm special alright. I'm clearly not right in the head.

Look at that fucking screenshot!!! How is that supposed to make me feel? You lied to me when you didn't have to. I was just some fantasy and you could have left it at that, but you choose to hurt me.

So now everyday I get to think about how you didn't want me either. I'm clearly the problem. 'You take the fun out of having a baby, 'I don't want to get you pregnant anymore, and my favorite 'You're killing me.

I actually went to my doctor and talked about family planning because 3 of my medications cause birth defects in the first trimester. I still don't take them because I was holding out hope. Might as well add them back into the rotation now that I mention it...

I pulled back so I wouldn't stress you out. I pulled back because I cared so much for you I was more concerned about your well being than mine, but you didn't care for me when it was done. All you did was show me that my fears were absolutely warranted.

And swear on the God I don't believe in I'm still not mad at you. I am beyond disappointed and hurt that you could do this to me, and honestly if CMO didn't obliterate my heart back in 2019 I wouldn't be alive to type this, because I'm so fucking numb it's the only thing keeping me going.

Once again not blaming my death on you two. At the end of the day I couldn't find away to make myself happy, I couldn't find a way to give my life meaning, I just didn't want to fight anymore. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. It's my responsibility to fix this cavernous hole in my heart.

[eds-zebra-warrior]

2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 10 Prompt: Mental Health)

I deal with Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Complex PTSD. They all effect me in some way and depression is something I never dealt with much when I was younger. It seemed to really hit hard around the age of 25 when my health took its most drastic decline. Complex PTSD and Depression run hand and hand and result very much from being sick and not being able to get appropriate help for this. Complex PTSD goes much deeper and this condition is the one what I will explain more in depth.

At age 5 was when my mom first brought up my chronic pain to my pediatrician. He brushed it off saying “she probably just heard it from a grandparent or one of you who said their back hurt and they got attention for it so is copying them for the same attention. At age 8 I was seen for a UTI and was told, she's too young for UTIs but it may just be puberty coming on. Later that year I was taken to children's for passing out and like the UTI they told my parents not to worry about it. I’m probably just going into puberty and about to start my period which didn't happen until I was almost 15. When I was 10 I saw a doctor for my spinal curvature that I have had all my life but no one did anything about until this time. He took an x-ray and talked to my mom. She asked about a back brace to correct it and he said "absolutely not. braces only cause more problems and will make her muscles too weak. Now I'm being asked "why didn't they ever give you a scoliosis brace? If you wear a brace as a kid your spine will adjust to it and it will straighten as you grow, correcting itself. As an adult all they can do is fuse your spine. Your doctor ruined you. If he braced you as a kid you wouldn't have the pain and degeneration of the disks you have now." to make things worse they put me in chiropractic's which messed my back up even worse and the forceful cracking wore down my disks further. It took until I was 16 for anyone to realize the harm being caused and the chiropractors agreed that I should not receive further treatment but the damage was already done.

My mom complained about my GI issues since I had surgery at 4 days old. Being told I just have IBS and need to eat more Fiber where I only got worse to the point I had to be put into colonics for regular treatment also starting at around 10 years old. Having essentially a hose shoved up your butt and then having everything vacuumed out isn't fun, especially for a 10 year old. At age 12 the woman who did my colonics finally brought attention to my doctor by telling her how difficult it was to remove my chronic intestinal blockages where I was then told that I would have 80/90 percent of my colon removed. My insurance made me get a second opinion and due to my age this doctor said absolutely not and it never happened.

When I was 13 I had just gone to a camp for kids ages 12-14 where we got to camp overnight at Magic Mountain where we pulled an all-nighter there. It's one of those family fun centers for kids with arcade games, indoor laser tag, go karts, and of course the tunnels you can crawl around and play in. Everyone thought it was really special as it's usually only open to kids under 48 inches tall but also having juvenile dwarfism and just starting HGH, me and one other kid were the only ones still short enough to play in the tunnels on normal business days but we were all crawling through those hard plastic tunnels all night, the next morning my mom picked me up and I had probably over 50 bruises on my arms, legs, near the bony structures of my spine etc. so she took me to the doctor suspecting anemia and since it wasn't anemia my doctor jumped to the conclusion of child abuse. At age 14 I was finally diagnosed with Celiac Disease. The GI issues continued while others improved. I did a little better until I was 15 when I started having to go to the hospital at least once a month for symptoms such as heart palpitations, chest pain, trouble breathing etc. and this is when the real medical abuse and neglect started.

This same year, I was banned from Mount Carmel East Hospital for being a frequent flyer and diagnosed with Hypochondriasis and as an attention seeker. They asked my mom not to bring me back but by law they have to treat someone if they show up to the hospital so one day my mom took me to the ER again at age 16 for chest pain and palpitations. I was lying in the hospital bed with my mom sitting in the extra chair when I flatlined. No one came into the room so my mom ran down the hall and grabbed my nurse pleading for help. My nurse told her they heard the alarms and they are just ignoring me and suggested that my mom do the same thing. I probably just pulled one of my leads off because I’m known for being an attention seeker and they feed on attention from things like this.” My mom ran into my room and started CPR herself which she took when I was 6 before becoming a girl scout leader. Back then the ER did not have walls between rooms, instead just having a curtain on three sides. The nurse went into the room beside mine while my mom did CPR. When my mom revived me I took a big gasp for air and the nurse heard this, ran into my room, checked my leads and realized they were all connected and my heart had in fact stopped. She called the doctor who listened to me and left the room. He came back an hour later and said he was releasing me saying “You seem fine now. You’ve been here an hour and nothing else has happened so this is probably just one of those flukes. You know a one time thing that will never happen again so as far as I’m concerned there's no need to keep you” and he sent me home.

Of course it wasn't just a one time thing; this happened a second time in which the same thing happened then a third time in which I had a seizure at school and they sent me to the hospital. The hospital hooked me up to the monitors and I again later flat lined. They came in with the crash cart and pulled my gown down and started charging the paddles, preparing to shock me when I went into a grand mal seizure and my heart started. It had stopped for 57 seconds and the hospital admitted me for the seizures. When I started having seizures they ran four, yes four drug tests, one urine and three blood tests believing I was on drugs and every tune tine the came back they believed they were somehow wrong and would re-test me then brought in a case manager to interrogate me and demand I tell her what I took that may not be showing up on the test. Eventually they did an EEG and diagnosed me with epilepsy but did nothing about my heart the whole time I was there eventually sending me home and referring me to a neurologist. None of the meds they put me on helped and she moved away with no answers so my doctor referred me to another neurologist who again was stumped but noticed I had an arrhythmia so referred me to a cardiologist.

The cardiologist ordered a tilt table test and I had a 4:30 pm appointment. I went in for the test and was lied back. I had told him about the history of coding and seizures but since it went in my medical records I didn't know if he believed me. He put me on the table and eventually tilted it up telling me that I may pass out but I’m in the right place and to let them know if I felt funny. After being stood up, the nurse asked how I felt. I said fine. A minute later she checked in again and I said I felt fine. About 5 seconds after I said fine all I could get out of my mouth was “Uh-ohh” and next thing I knew the table was flat and I was waking up to about 12 people in the room. The doctor told me not only did I pass out but my heart stopped but he had good news. He told me he was able to save me some paddle burns from being shocked thanks to what I told him about the seizure seemingly restoring my heart rate. He decided to inject me with adrenalin to see if he could simulate the same response the seizure caused and it worked. He then told me I had two choices, get an emergency pacemaker put in there or they can life flight me to Cleveland Clinic to see if they have any other options for me. I chose the pacemaker and they took me to x-ray so he could see the structure of my heart before he did it. The x-ray came back abnormal because I had a smaller than normal heart that was tubular shaped instead of round. He placed the pacemaker and later pulled my past records to find in every imaging study I had done since the age of 4 days old I had this same congenital heart defect but no one ever diagnosed it. It took 23 years for a diagnosis and had probably been having shorter cardiac arrests all my life.

When I was 19 I lost the ability to walk the first time and went to Grant where they did a spinal tap and a brain CT for M.S. I was told I have Psychosomatic Personality disorder because both were negative for M.S. I was kept 8 days where they worked on my waking and the nurse and both PT's told the doctor they didn't think this was Psychosomatic in nature and more testing should be done. He said that would be up to my doctor and this time wasn't nearly as bad as the third time. I could stand with a walker and after about 6 days the PT's no longer had to hold part of my weight with the gait belt. I used the walker. After two days of this I was able to make it the 10 feet or so to the bathroom on the walker with just the PT's holding my gait belt just in case for precaution and not holding my weight so they sent me home with outpatient PT where I learned to walk without assistance again in about two months and walk normally again in about 4 or 5 months.

At PT they put me into in aquatic therapy and my stomach swelled up like I was 9 months pregnant within about 12 hours time. I also started going to the bathroom like a normal person for once in my life, between twice a day and once every other day. My mom took me to children's urgent care. I was still 19 and my mom just always wanted to go with me so I let her. They did a pregnancy test and I wasn't pregnant so they sent me to grant. I went to Grant where the ER doctor asked if I was sexually active and at 19 I was still a virgin. I told them no and said there was no chance of pregnancy. He pulled my mom out I'd the room and told her that kids my age tend to lie about pregnancy and how urgent care did a urine pregnancy test and he wanted to do a blood pregnancy test which is more accurate. My mom told him I was 19 and first of all you can't go from a totally flat stomach to looking 9 months pregnant in 12 hours and secondly that he legally needs to be talking to me and not her where he went in and loudly accused me of having unprotected sex, being irresponsible and need to go to an OBGYN, not a hospital when I screw up and get pregnant. I kept telling him I wasn't pregnant and he said "yeah… right… well see about that, I think I know what pregnancy looks like" did the blood test and came back an hour later and said "GREAT NEWS! You're not pregnant! You can get dressed and go home now" Then release me with paperwork on pregnancy prevention methods.

A few weeks later I was still swollen up so bad I looked like I was 9 months pregnant and now having bloody bowel movements and my mom took me to Mount Carmel where I later found out I got from the pool at riverside during aquatic therapy because a ton of patients ended up getting C-Diff. Their pool was shut down and they got in trouble for insufficient chemical levels and had to also start making patients sign a consent form that they didn't have diarrhea or abdominal pain the day of therapy since someone obviously did have C-Diff and used the pool as a public toilet. I wasn't pregnant and had C-Diff the whole time, going to all of my college classes when I had something contagious the whole time.

At 27 when I went fully paralyzed the hospital tried to diagnose me with conversion disorder same goes for the two years prior when I developed a limp that got worse and worse until I lost all ability to walk (all three mean the same thing, it's all in your head) At the ER they set me up with a team of four neurologists and four Psychiatrists where one Neurologist came in on the sixth day and said "Okay the gig is up. Quit wasting our time and resources, I know you can walk '' Picked me up out of the bed and just let go dropping me onto the hard tile floor. He was shocked that I went crashing into the tile floor and left me there for a good two minutes while he paced saying "oh my god, I've never seen anything like this. this isn't conversion disorder, it can't be right? I've never seen anything like it. her automatic reflex to catch herself didn't kick in. In conversion disorder she still would have tried to break her fall. I've just never seen anything like this. I've never seen anything like this." before putting me back in bed and leaving the room

Later that day he returned with neurologist two, telling him to pick me up and drop me, not telling him what would happen. This in turn made neurologist 2 believe I would catch myself and this is why neurologist one had asked him to pick me up and drop me. When I didn't do this, hitting the floor again like a ton of bricks, he was equally shocked and so was the first neurologist since it happened twice in a row, he called in neurologist three and had him drop me, with the same thing happening and then later neurologist four. Neurologist four refused to pick me up and drop me saying the other two neurologists had already told him what happened. Neurologist one was very persistent, Insisting that he must see this with his own eyes. Neurologist one, then picked me up and dropped me for the fourth time leaving neurologist one both looking shocked and mad.

That evening, my dinner was brought to me and I started to take the lid off when here comes Neurologist one into my room with one of the psychiatrists. Again, he picked me up and dropped me in front of him. The Psychiatrist said "This isn't psychological." They left the room and right before shift change all four Neurologists and all four Psychiatrists came into the room. The Physiatrists took a seat on the couch and the neurologists stood when neurologist one looked at the other three psychiatrists and said "You haven't seen this yet. I have to show you. One said "No... we heard, leave her in her bed, another said "Yeah we heard all about it, we don't need to see it." I don't know if it is even important or not but I forgot to mention that Neurologist 1 was Indian and had a thick accent. Anyhow, Neurologist one, again insisted that they see what happened and for the sixth time, picked me up out of bed, stood me up and just let go leaving me to hit the tile floor like a ton of bricks. Neurologist 4 tried jump forward and catch me and this time since I was dropped closer to the bed I also tried to grab the bottom bed rail on the way down but just smacked my arm into it. Neurologist 6 didn't get to me on time either so I hit the floor again and when I hit, I went fully bladder inconsonant peeing all over myself. They put me in the bed and I couldn't control my bladder so after changing the Chux pad 4 times they put me in diapers.

The doctors left me there for another day , now covered in bruises doing nothing as far as tests but sent a case manager in to say I could no longer live alone and when my parents mentioned me moving in with them with home health care. The case manager said she believes I need more intensive care than what can be provided at home and I needed to go into a long term care facility for young adults. I got so depressed at this point I was suicidal because I had been pulled out of work only about 6 months prior from my PCP, lost the ability to walk, a lot of other symptoms were new so I as primarily bedridden and had no custom wheelchair and stuck using a really uncomfortable, broken and wobbly folding wheelchair that used to be my grandmas and was too small for me as she was only 4’7” in her 90s and I’m 5’1” Possibly 5’2” or 5’3” if it weren't for my spinal curvature and had no leg rests so we had to tie an exercise band around the bottom of the chair for me to put my feet on to keep my feet off the ground and the bottom of my legs under my knees were higher than the seat so I had to put a pillow under my legs or just deal with my legs leaned to one side. Lastly in the last 12 hours I went from using a toilet to peeing all over myself and in diapers. Ultimately they were unable to find a long term care facility of any kind that could take me either because of my dietary restrictions or my age and I was sent home with my parents on home health care and with no reason I was paralyzed.

It took two years to finally get an MRI done due to the perseverance of my cardiologist of all people but of course when I went to Cleveland Clinic to get them done, the first thing the tech says to me is "we've never done one of these before but I Google it this morning. We don't have the right parts for this kind of MRI but I think we can Jimmy rig it. That's when I knew they were going to be a big problem. I was right. We got a good enough MRI to know I was paralyzed but the flexion/extension portion was totally unusable so to this day I'm still fighting the government and insurance to cover an upright MRI out of state since they can't do the flexion/extension in Ohio.

My mom requested my tonsils be removed when I was 6 and was persistent in asking at almost every appointment she attended if mine because I got strep 2-5 times a year and was told over and over again my tonsils were huge but I would grow into them. At 21 I was sent to an ENT at Ohio ENT for sinus infections where my ENT got on my mom for not being persistent when I was young about getting my tonsils removed and how its her fault and I need them removed and how much more pain I'm going to be in because she didn't push hard enough to get them removed when I was a kid then when he removed them he came out while I was still in on the table to show her my tonsils and showed her how infected they were and picking green stones out of them to show her and blaming it all on her. He also did a termination reduction and septoplasty. I was sent home to call them an hour and a half later because my nose was bleeding so bad. They told me it's normal. I called back an hour after that to tell them I used 3/4ths of the gauze and was told I need to calm down, the surgery went fine and bleeding is normal. I then called back a third time two hours later and told them I went through the whole stack of 2000 gauze pads, saturated two washcloths and was now using a towel that had a large spot now covered in blood and felt like I was going to pass out when the nurse pauses and said "he sent you home with a whole pack of gauze? Usually we only give out about 20, so your telling me you went through a whole 2000 pack of gauze?" I said they were in a paper package that was unopened and said 2000, 4"x4" medical grade gauze" and she told me to get back to the hospital immediately.

When I got there they found he didn't cauterize the incision in my nose where they did the septoplasty and pulled out a section of bone so had to numb me up and cauterize it to stop the bleeding than give me iron pills and an iv infusion to replace my blood volume. They sent me home and the tonsillectomy was a simple recovery but the termination reduction and septoplasty which I was told would be an easy recovery was by far the most painful and worst surgery I've ever had. After the bleeding stopped I noticed my nose ran all the time, especially when I tilted my head forward. I was in the nursing program at the time and mentioned a CSF leak to the surgeon at the follow up. He said everything went perfect… even though it wasn't because I had to go back for the bleeding and sent me home. A month later he saw me again and I told him again I really thought I had a CSF leak from the turbinate reduction and he said "I know what I'm doing. I don't make mistakes and you don't have a CSF leak" I have gone through a large box of tissues around once a week since then told by doctors in the spring and summer, it's just allergies and in the winter, "everyone's nose runs in the winter" to find out this year when I finally found a doctor versed in EDS that I in fact have a CSF leak but now he can't find a doctor who knows how to repair it in EDS patients.

Drug tests, pregnancy tests and STD testing are the first things the hospital always does. Even now at almost 33 years old, the one good symptom of EDS is that you look much younger than you really are and even that can be a double edged sword. You look like you're younger than I am. In my 30s people still guess me to be between the ages of 14 and 19. When you go to the hospital, even with your age being on the paperwork, people discriminate and look at you, treating you as if you're the age you look rather than your true age, jumping to the conclusion of drugs.

When I was 29 I went to Mount Carmel for my chronic pain and was left in a special waiting room they have for drug addicts for 9 hours. I begged them to drug test me, even offering to let them come into the bathroom to watch. I was in so much pain, this was right after I was paralyzed and not yet in pain management so not on anything. They refused to do a drug test and when I went into shock my mom begged them to take me back and help me. they kept telling her I was an addict and my mom kept telling them "how would you even know. She's been asking you to drug test her since she got here and you put her in this room. It's quite obvious what this room is for and you've refused to do any kind of testing, urine, blood, anything so how can you call her an addict when you won't even do a blood test." The staff kept yelling at me for lying on a blanket on the waiting room floor and telling me to get into a chair which made the pain worse. It got so bad my mom later told me that the other patients were yelling and cussing out the staff telling them they need to take me back, one even openly admitted she was an addict and has been around addicts most of her adult life and that I'm not an addict because she would know. My mom said even a teenager was yelling at a nurse to take me back and one threatened to call the cops for patient abuse. About an hour after there was a borderline riot in the waiting room over me they finally took me back.

When I was 30, I was admitted into OSU Medical center presenting with extreme abdominal pain, the inability to hold down any kind of food and struggling to hold down water and bowel movements that were almost straight blood. Red blood with black clots. The first few days the doctors took me seriously. No one assessed my bowel movements except my nurse and she and I couldn't get anyone to but the doctor told me he was going to put on a feeding tube the following morning because my blood work kept getting worse and worse. I weighed 110 lbs. normally but had dropped to 91 lbs. The next morning Dr S walked in and said he was releasing me to go home. I told him the doctor said he was doing the feeding tube today while they ran more tests and he said "well he's not here today and now I'm your doctor and there's nothing wrong with you so you're going home."

My mom then stepped in and said "you're joking right. Half of her blood work is coming. Back abnormal, no one but this nurse had bothered to even look at her bowel movements and she's lost 9 lbs. in a week and mornings wrong!" The nurse then spoke up and said "with all due respect I really think you should look at this patient's bowel movements." he got very defensive yelling and saying he diagnosed me with Anorexia and General psychosis and sent a referral to OSU Psychiatry. I need cognitive behavioral therapy. I then called my GI doctor while my mom argued with him saying she refused to take me home like this because she's afraid I'd go home and die. My blood sugar had been dangerously low and I couldn't eat so she's not taking me home to die. Dr Shadchehr started yelling that he was calling securely to escort us out if we don't leave because I'm not medically I'll. I'm mentally ill and anorexic so refusing to eat

I spoke to my GI doctor on speaker phone and he told my mom to take me Straight to Riverside. Dr S laughed a sarcastic laugh saying they won't see you.

We went to Riverside and They took me straight back. The doctor walked in and said. "I've heard all about you. Your doctor at OSU told me you were coming. You were treated by him and right here it says general Psychosis and Anorexia. You have a diagnosis, he said you're perfectly healthy so there is no need for me to see you today. He sent a referral to a psychiatrist so I recommend you follow up with her. I had to wait a little over a week to get get into the psychiatrist and continued bleeding and losing weight in that time but finally the day came.

I went to the psychiatrist the next week and I'm a Paraplegic so I wheeled back to her office. After she talked to me and my mom for a few minutes. As soon as I got back she said "so what is it I'm supposed to be seeing you for?" I said, ``Apparently I'm Anorexic and crazy" she said "no really, why are you here?" I told her basically because I have to be and explained what happened in the hospital. She said she looked at my medical tests and things before I got there and did some psych evaluations and then said sure you're a little depressed but who wouldn't be, going through what you're going through but I have good news and bad news. Good news is you're not Anorexic or have any kind of psychosis or any kind of serious mental illnesses. The bad news is, I can't help you. The doctor recommended CBT but not all the CBT is going to fix a physical health problem and a very serious one at that. She then went on a tangent saying "I am so VERY sorry this is happening to you.

I can't tell you how many times this happens where these narcissistic, know or all doctors send me patients line you who are very sick with a physical health condition and try to pawn it off on a mental health problem, endangering your lives because they don't want to admit they actually don't know something. If I had to guess I would say that at least 90 percent or more doctors develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder at some point in their career and many by the time they get their PhD and they are the worst patients to have because of course they have NPD so believe they know it all but they are also Doctors so believe they know everything there is to know medically which means they are the least likely to seek help or treatment for this because they believe you're wrong. That right, they aren't mentally ill and you're wrong so never get help and continue to abuse and neglect patients like you for the rest of their career or until someone dies and they lose their license." she said "I'm going to read you the letter he sent me and show you. I can confidently diagnose him without even seeing him in person just because his letter is so grandiose." She read me his letter pointing out all the parts where he showed signs of narcissism in his writing which was almost every sentence and sometimes more than once in a sentence and said it's one of the worst cases she has seen and she was going to write to OSU and suggest he be removed as a traveling doctor there. She then gave me her card and said to contact her if anything ever comes up that she can help and apologized again for what he did to me wishing me luck in finding a medical doctor who will listen and can figure out what's wrong.

By the next week it had been three weeks since still bleeding and all I had been able to keep down in that tone was just under two cans of chicken broth, a small fruit smoothie, about six spoonful of mashed potatoes over several tries, the hospital gave me a peach fruit cup and I got down half of one slice of a peach, one and a half Popsicles and about 4-12 ounces if water or juice a day so was really dehydrated, really anemic from blood loss, really malnourished and had dropped from 110 lbs. to 72 lbs. I'm 5'1" by the way. I was to the point I couldn't even roll over without passing out and had to be pushed to the bathroom with my head between my knees because I kept passing out just sitting up. I couldn't go to the hospital because Dr. S had called them and convinced them I was totally insane. My mom didn't have any more PTO and went to work. I was so sick I literally thought I was going to die and wrote a note on my arm in sharpie saying who I was if I was found, what I originally went to the hospital for so they knew I was sick, my mom's contact info and a letter to my parents telling them how much I loved them and passed out twice just from holding my arms up. I was so sick and this doctor ruined my chance to get hospital care.

I then made one last stitch effort to save myself. I had told them at the ER that I had started three new meds. I managed to call the manufacturer on speaker phone with the phone lying on my chest without passing out and the first place I called was the manufacturer of Northera. They forwarded the call to one of their lab doctors. I explained my symptoms and the first thing he said was "Oh my God! A DOCTOR sent you home like this! He then said " Listen I need you to get to the ER NOW. You should probably call a squad. You are having a severe side effect from Northera and I can't believe the hospital would even consider sending you home without looking into these. I believe this doctor sent you home in life threatening condition with a condition called Gastric Ischemia. Northera is manufactured to raise your blood pressure. But in some cases it can raise your blood pressure on only certain parts of the body, usually the GI system. It can cause blood pressure to get so high that the blood vessels in your intestines and GI tract to spontaneously rupture. You are internally bleeding and can die very easily from this and I'm honestly shocked you're talking to now so you need to get to hospital asap. I told him I can't because Dr S called the other hospitals and told them I'm crazy and they just sent me home without doing anything. He said "If they won't take you, call back and have them transfer your call back to me. I will listen for your call and speak to them on your behalf. I then let him go and knowing that the ER wasn't an option.

I called my neurologists office who prescribed it. My doctor wasn't there but they called Northera and called me back saying they were getting me in with another one of their doctors and to get there as soon as I could. I had to call my mom and they let her leave work to take me. When I got there and the doctor saw me he instantly got furious that Dr S sent me home in life threatening condition. He assessed me, said I definitely have Gastric Ischemia, took me off Northera and sent me to get albumin, iron, a banana bag, fluids and a bunch of other meds to build up my blood volume because I was sent home internally bleeding for so long, they tried to replenish my electrolytes, vitamins and minerals since almost everything came back as low to very low on the blood test, pain meds, a ton of stomach meds like Zofran, Famotidine, something they said coats my stomach and intestinal lining and kept me there all day.

They didn't give me any kind of calories but told me only drink juice or things high on calories and to come back if I don't improve on 48 hours and said they want me to be eating within 48 hours, said it would be a liquid diet and I'll probably be on a liquid diet for a whole until my GI system has had time to heal and to take it slow. Work on a liquid diet and maybe try thicker foods like cottage cheese and work my way up to soft food and eventually solid food. Told me I can try things if I want to but it could take a few months to get back to a totally normal diet. About 36 hours later I got a half of a cherry icy down. By the next day I was able to eat two cans of chicken broth and 24 oz of juice and improved from there. I was on a liquid diet for about 3 weeks, a soft diet gradually going from really thin things line yogurt, pudding and apple sauce to mashed potatoes that weren't so watery they poured off the spoon to things with some spices line pot roast blended up on the blender with ensure and eventually macaroni and cheese. It took me about weeks to graduate from Mac and cheese to solid food like cereal or real meat but I did struggle eating only solid food for a while. My GI system was so damaged it had to basically learn to work again.

August 2019 my mom went in for a gallbladder removal and told the surgeon she had EDS like I do. I woke up that morning feeling a total sense of doom like something bad was going to g happen and that my mom shouldn't have the surgery done. We got ready and went to the surgical center. She signed in and my mom, dad and I took a seat. That's when I told my mom I think she should cancel it and that I have a horrible feeling about this but couldn’t explain why. She just kind of laughed it off and said it would be fine. I kept telling her it's not too late to back out and she can always get a second opinion until they call her back to prep her for surgery. Once they prepped her they called me and my dad back to sit with her.

The surgeon Dr K came in the room and that's when I knew things would be really bad. I have always said that if a doctor comes in wearing an expensive suit or really expensive looking pin skirt and suit jacket to run and if they come in wearing khaki pants or a more basic pair of slacks or jeans like anyone can find at a place like TJ Maxx and a polo, regular old button up shirt that is like plaid or not too fancy or a basic blouse than they are the good doctors. The fancier they are the worse their sense of ethics and medical capabilities. When you have a doctor walk in wearing what looks like a custom made suit, tailored perfectly to their body, dress shoes shined to the point you can see your own reflection in them, golden cufflinks, a massive ring on their hand or even worse, multiple rings, pocket liner with a big chunky fancy and custom engraved pen in their pocket with hair styled to perfection than you better run for your life… Well her surgeon walked in and his outfit probably cost more than the most expensive suit that Donald Trump or Bill Gates himself could even rationalize buying with an ego to match. That's when I started asking questions like how many surgeries he has done and his success rate. I also told him my mom has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and asked him how familiar he is with the condition and the surgical protocol surrounding it. He condescendingly replied that knew how to do surgery on EDS patients then explained what they were going to do as if we were total idiots. When he left the room I basically pleaded with my mom to cancel it and find another surgeon, telling her again I had a terrible feeling about this whole thing and meeting the surgeon just confirmed my bad feelings about all of this. The nurse and anesthesiologist came to get her and as she was being wheeled out the last thing I said as she was being wheeled down the hall was “It's not too late.”

She went through with the surgery and almost the whole time she was in surgery I was practically burning holes in the carpet with my wheels packing and shaking. My moms had a lot of surgeries and some more major than this and I have had quite the list of surgeries myself. My dad is the one who has only been put to sleep twice but I have never been like this during any of our surgeries. Usually I’m just like “bye mom, good luck!” and I'm pretty content about things. Of course there's always a bit of anxiety but it’s nothing major. Honestly, I'm usually way less anxious than most people are but this time I was a mess. My mom came out of surgery sooner than expected and soon after they let me and my dad come back to see her.

The first thing she said when we walked in her room was "sometimes wrong. I told them and they didn't believe me" the nurse came in and said the surgery was a success and said she would leave the surgical center in a half hour. I brought up the fact that my mom felt like something was wrong and the nurse asked what was wrong and my mom said she just doesn't feel good at all. The nurse blew it off on being groggy from the anesthesia and left the room. My mom went downhill from there. A half hour came and an hour later they came in and said “well some people need to stay a little longer than others. This is normal, it just depends how quick you clear the anesthesia. I told them, with EDS we usually need extra to stay asleep because me metabolizes it quicker than someone without EDS which again they blew off and the nurse walked out. She started having extreme pain which they blamed on the fact that they filled her abdomen with air to remove her gallbladder, Her blood pressure started dropping which they blamed on anxiety. She was, white as a ghost.

The doctor came in 3.5 hours later to check on her and kept asking if she was ready to go home trying to get her out and this is when we noticed he was acting strange, like he was nervous himself and was trying to get rid of her. Soon after she started having trouble breathing and they had to put oxygen on her. At this point I blatantly asked him if he nicked her liver and he offensively said he hadn’t. After about 6 hours my mom was literally yelling in agony any time she was moved because the pain was so intense. Her blood pressure was in the 70s/40s and at that point, having a lot of medical knowledge between nursing school and my experiences with EDS I started telling them they needed to send her to the hospital and flat out told the doctor he screwed up. He got really defensive and mad but he still left her there and every time he came in he was so nervous himself that he couldn't stand still and was basically dancing in place. I kept asking him what he did because I could tell he knew what he did and he just kept saying the surgery went perfectly and some people's bodies just over react so they need to stay a little longer. They kept saying it was normal and she would go home soon.

Nine hours later her blood pressure was bottoming out and of course they had to close and everyone wanted to go home so he couldn't keep her any more and just hope she magically got better, they finally decided to send her to the hospital. They called the squad and the doctor started filling out paperwork for transfer. The paramedics loaded my mom up with her screaming and crying out in agony the entire time. They were ready to go and the nurse asked Dr Keith if he was done with his paperwork that goes to the ER with my mom and he replied saying wait a second. I want to make sure I word this the right way. When I’m done look this over for me. I need to make sure I dot all of my I’s and cross my Ts to make sure I cover my butt.” She agreed to look at it, both thinking no one heard during all of the commotion which I happened to be recording, which is one benefit to being in a chair. You can put your phone on record and lay it on your lap, against your stomach and no one notices but I knew he screwed up and wanted all the documentation I could get. You can hear the paramedics and my mom yelling more than anything but I have no doubt if I downloaded this onto a computer and was able to adjust the sounds that you could hear the doctor say this.

She was taken to Mount Carmel where they ran blood work and realized quickly that she was internally bleeding. They gave her two units of blood and then admitted her. giving her more during the night when moving from the gurney to the ER bed and from the ER bed to the admission bed she screamed in agony and pain. The next morning we visited my mom at the hospital. She looked terrible but said she was feeling better... I think wishful thinking and asked me to bring my service dog for her to visit with later that afternoon. Little did we know, she was so sick and her blood levels were so low that she remembers little to nothing from about a half hour after being brought out of surgery at the surgical center. My dad and I went home for lunch and to get my service dog Maggie and when we were pulling into the parking garage we got a call from a surgeon at the hospital

He said my mom was crashing, they had called rapid response and they couldn't wait for more imaging and tests to find the site of the bleeding. They had to go to emergency exploratory surgery and to get to the hospital now. I told him we were in the parking garage and he told us to meet him upstairs in the ICU waiting room which was shared with the drop down unit she was originally placed in. When we got there The surgeon told us they moved her to the ICU wing. He said she seemed to be stable earlier this morning but suddenly her vitals went and she started crashing. The nurse called rapid response who was giving her blood to try to stabilize her enough for surgery right now because as things stand she would never make it through surgery so they were trying to bring her vitals up and stabilize her enough to operate. He told us he doesn't believe in giving people false hope and wanted to be honest with us, saying things didn't look good at all but if we want to go ahead with surgery he would try his best. He said it was our decision if we wanted to try exploratory surgery or let her go and he wouldn’t judge us for either decision we made again telling us how bad things were but also saying she seems to have a lot of willpower. I signed the paper to have them do the surgery as my mom put me as the person to make these decisions for her care. He then told us that at this point, when a patient is as critical as she is, whether they make it through surgery or not is no longer up to the surgeon but up to the patient and their willpower to fight. He asked if I had any questions for him and I said “There's no time for questions, just please, I’m begging you, do your best to save my mom. We still need her. He told us rapid response was in her room so there will be a lot of people so it's pretty crazy in there right now but told us he suggested that we go in, tell her goodbye and make our peace with her now just in case because we may or may not have another chance to.

We went to the ICU and I stopped right outside the hall where a nurse came walking up. At this point I started crying telling my dad to go in and told him I can't because we had Maggie with and Service dogs aren't allowed into the ICU but to tell my mom I love her. The nurse then said “Just go ahead into the room. You’re in the hospital a lot too aren't you? I said yeah. He said “I knew I had seen you two around here before. I’ve seen her and trust me, she’s way more behaved and better trained than most of the so-called service dogs other people bring in here. The only thing that worries me is that she will get stepped on because there's a lot going on in there”. I picked her up and put her on my lap and he said “Perfect” He took us to her room and told us to try to get up by the bed to see her but also try to stay out of the way of rapid response. Being an interpreter and also going to school for nursing I quickly spotted out the best place to be without then having to tell me. There were four people in her room working on her, one left from the right side of her bed to go grab some more blood and there was a couch beside her bed that was up against the right wall but about 2.5 feet from the back wall so I told my dad to go into the hole where the couch wasn't against the back wall and went in after him parking my chair right in front of him and with my knees under the edge of the back of my moms bed so we could both reach her.

The rapid response guy came back and I asked if I was in his way and he said no, not at all and that he will have to remember this because that's a good spot for people to stand and be out of the way. She had 4 double lumen lines going into her connected to four bags of blood, antibiotics, and a ton of other bags of medications. Somehow she was still awake and talking. We told her we loved her and needed her, to keep fighting and I told her Maggie was here too and needed her grandma and put my mom's hand on her head. My mom said hi to her and told us she wasn't going anywhere. Interestingly, this was one of the only things she remembers from the whole experience. She later said she remembered thanking me when they were taking her down to surgery that she made me a promise not to go anywhere so she better not break it lol. They wheeled her out of the room and as they were going out of the room I told one of the nurses that she had Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

They sent us down to surgical waiting. In surgical waiting they told us that it's hard to tell how long surgery will last because it depends how hard it is to figure out what's going on during exploratory surgery but at the very least we are looking at 2 hours. I asked if we had time to take my service dog home and drop her off since if she made it out she would be back in ICU and she said we should have plenty of time. We live about 12 minutes away from the hospital so ran home and dropped Maggie off. On the way I called her brother and mom and updated them. Of course when we got home my Autistic dad goes into the kitchen and starts pouring chicken broth into a pot and filling up another with water to make himself some mashed potatoes and noodles so I had to stop him and tell him there was no time for that and if he was really that hungry grab something quick like a sandwich because we had to get back to the hospital. He asked why, saying they said at least two hours. I told him because we need to be there in case something goes wrong. He grabbed a sandwich and a bag of chips and we went back to the hospital.

We got back 35 minutes after we had left and when we went into the waiting room my aunt and uncle were in there and said they called my mom this morning and said they were going to visit but when they went to her room, someone else was in there and they told them she was in surgery. She asked why we didn't call and tell them. We said we didn't know they were coming and it's an emergency surgery so we didn't know it was happening ourselves until about an hour ago. 45 minutes after they took her back, a nurse came out and told us they were done. I asked if she was okay since “were done” doesn't say much, not even if she survived or not. She just said that the doctor said he would meet us up stairs in the same waiting room he spoke with us in before surgery. We went upstairs and he never came. After 45 minutes of waiting for the doctor my aunt and uncle left. An hour went by and no one came. After an hour and 15 minutes I couldn't wait any longer so went back down stairs while my dad stayed upstairs and told the surgical waiting nurse we had been up there for over an hour and the doctor still hasn’t come. She seemed surprised and then said to go back up there and she will send him our way when she finds him. I went back towards the elevator and here comes the surgeon out of a door in the hall.

He apologized and said he was just about to come up there and it's been a crazy day because as soon as he got my mom out, they had another emergency surgery. He said my mom survived the surgery but things are still very critical and that she was in a coma. He said he still doesn't want to get our hopes up because he doesn't believe in that and that we need to be very aware that what happens from here is very much reliant on her and it's now up to her and how badly she wants to fight whether she goes one way or the other. He said the surgery was actually really quick because once they got her open it was quite obvious where the bleeding was coming from He said it looked like her liver had been sliced into during the surgery and after bleeding for so long her body couldn't tolerate it anymore and all of a sudden she went from internally bleeding to hemorrhaging. He said when they sliced her open her abdominal cavity was filled with blood, which I knew because before they wheeled her into surgery her stomach was so distended she looked like she was pregnant. He said it was a good call telling the nurse that she has EDS because that's not something he's familiar with but the nurse had a family member with this so was able to give him some pointers. He said he had a hard time with suturing her liver shut because her tissues kept ripping through the sutures so they ended up putting a dissolving sponge in there around her liver to help hold it together and did multiple layers of sutures to close it up. He said once he was able to close up her liver he pulled all of her abdominal organs out (he acted it out with his hands), saying the intestines, kidneys etc. examining them one by one, to make sure he didn't miss anything before putting them back in, cleaning her out really good and closing her up. He again said things are very critical and I asked about the game plan. He said he was hoping for her to come out of the coma in about two weeks and if that doesn't happen we will worry about that when the time comes. He then told us we can go see her if we want to.

I got my dad and we went to my moms room. She was covered in tubes and surrounded by machines. I asked the nurse if they knew if she had any cognitive functioning and they did not and wouldn’t be assessing that yet. I went up to her and put my fingers into her fist and asked her if she could hear me, to squeeze my fingers. She squeezed. I then noticed her feet were covered up and I know she hates having her feet covered so I asked her if she wants her feet uncovered to squeeze my hand. She squeezed. I then uncovered them and asked her if she wanted them covered back up to squeeze my hand and she didn't squeeze. That's when I started having some hope.

I told my dad to get on the other side of her and he did and I told her those fingers were his and to squeeze his fingers and she did. I then started asking her yes and no questions, telling her to squeeze my hand for yes and my dad's hand for no. I asked if she was in any pan and she squeezed his hand. I asked if she was comfortable and she squeezed my hand. I asked if she needed anything and she squeezed his hand. I asked if she was tired and she squeezed my hand. I asked if she wanted us to leave so she could rest and she didn't squeeze any of our hands so I clarified and said “It's okay, if your tired mom, You’ve been through a lot. If you want us to leave so you can get some rest we can come back tomorrow morning. It’s about 7:00 at night now and if you need to rest we totally understand. I will call the nurses station right before I go to bed to check on you and I have an alarm set for 8 in the morning to call again and check, right after shift change. If you want to go to sleep we will come back tomorrow around 9 or 10 in the morning but it's totally up to” right then she squeezed my hand and I said so you were worried because you didn't know when we would come back? She squeezed my hand. I said we will be back between 9 and 10. Did you want us to leave so you can rest? She squeezed my hand. I then pulled my hand out and told her good night and good bye. I saw her fist clinch like she was squeezing and I went back over and said I saw her squeeze and asked if she needed anything and she clinched her other fist so we went home for the night.

Of course I ended up calling the nursing station at 9 pm, at midnight, at 4 am and at 8 am that night but we came back the next morning. There wasn't a lot of progress that day but we visited twice that day. The third day I made my 8 am call and to my surprise they said she started co breathing with the respirator earlier that morning. We visited again and she was still in a coma but they said her co breathing was getting better and better and if she kept up the good work, they may take her off the respirator portion of life support the next day and put her on forced air. Well we left and when we came back at around 7:30 pm they told us she was starting to come out of the coma and was now in a semi conscious state now opening her eyes and looking around every once in a while and they had just pulled the respirator and put her on forced air.

The nurse followed us into her room and said they would like to try a nasal cannula and are pushing her hard because you can get addicted to oxygen fairly quickly saying they wanted to sit her up in a chair and put a nasal cannula on her at the highest setting and asked if we would mind sitting with her and letting them know if her oxygen hit 70%. We agreed and she was still very much comatose only opening her eyes once when the first started to lift her to put her into a recliner. They reclined it back enough that she wouldn't fall out and had us watch her. We talked to her even though she couldn't talk back other than squeezing but she did open her eyes twice within a half hour. After about 28 minutes her oxygen hit 78 percent so they came in, put her back on forced oxygen and back in her bed saying she was doing really well. We visited a little while longer and then left so she could get her rest. On day four she woke up and was out of the coma, able to talk to us but did fall asleep a lot. That day they went back and forth between the nasal cannula and forced air. Day 5 she went onto the nasal cannula and was pretty much full out of the coma. She got better and better and pretty much as soon as she could prove she could get back and forth to the bathroom without passing out they sent her home. Her oxygen would still drop really low when she went to the bathroom or walked at all so that was scary but she came home. She struggled with her oxygen levels for a long time but eventually that improved.

Months later she was still struggling with memory which she still does to this day, she still has pain and severely decreased energy levels. We found out over a year later that she had multiple brain aneurysms either during one or the surgeries or while on life support and was diagnosed with permanent cognitive impairment. She has very low energy levels now and will never be like she was before the botched surgery. She returned to work only to be laid off during the pandemic but while she was working I honestly felt like she had no business working and should be on disability as when she wasn't working all she did was lay on the couch and sleep. She had zero life outside of work because work took every ounce of energy she had, just doing a desk job so it does worry me that she has been trying to get another job because since being laid off she still spends most of her day on the couch asleep or just laying down watching tv, struggling to even get out of bed in the morning and get the energy needed to do things like shower, cook and clean.

I see a lot of me, right before my doctor pulled me out of work in her. Refusing to admit she's as sick as she is and pushing further than her body can actually tolerate, all because this doctor said he knew about EDS and the surgical protocols when he didn’t and maybe even his job as a whole, slicing her liver open and when was scared he would get caught so didn't tell the hospital what happened and spent 9 hours covering his butt while he let my mom sit there dying and left the hospital having to go in emergency exploratory surgery to try to figure out what happened when if he told them and sent her to the ER right away they may have been able to fix it without her having all the problems from bleeding out and the coma she had today. And to think, in Ohio you can't sue for medical abuse and neglect unless someone dies or is essentially permanently a vegetable so. These doctors just get to walk away with no ramifications for destroying people's lives.

PTSD is complex and severe especially when you are living in a world of people with very high respect for medical personnel but you know if you have a rare disease you don't get the caveat of good doctors and nurses. They are far and few and honestly the medical field is just like every other job where 95 percent of the personnel does 5 percent of the work, pawning it off on the 5 percent of the staff that actually takes their job seriously forcing them to do 95 percent of the work. As I mentioned before, I saw a psychiatrist after falsely being diagnosed with anorexia and general psychosis when I really had a life threatening condition called Gastric Ischemia and she said that she believes at least, the very least 90 percent or more doctors develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder at some point in their career and many by the time they get their PhD and they are the worst patients to have because of course they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so believe they know it all but they are also Doctors so believe they know everything there is to know medically which means they are the least likely to seek help or treatment for this because they believe you're wrong and continue hurting people and even taking lives never believing they are to blame.

I believe this wholeheartedly and those with common conditions take for granted the medical care they receive. Doctors like easy cases, they like treating conditions they know about because they know exactly what to do and can get them in and out, putting in little work and making a lot of money but if you have a rare disease most doctors and even nurses are too narcissistic to admit they haven't heard of something or don't know everything there is to know about every medical condition. Most humans are also very lazy creatures preferring to take the easiest way out so if they don't know about your condition there's no way they are going to sit down at a computer for hours and really look into it and learn about it and too much pride to contact specialists in the field to get advice and learn to treat the patient properly. They look for the easy way out and unfortunately the easy way out for most doctors is one word, well actually one word that they keep replacing with a new word every few years. Hypochondriasis, Psychosomatic Personality Disorder, Psychosomaticism, Somatization Disorder, Munchausen Syndrome, Illness Anxiety Disorder, Factitious Disorder Functional Neurological Symptom Disorder, General Psychosis, Conversion Disorder. It doesn't matter what term they use as the term is updated every few years once patients catch on to the true meaning “Nothing is wrong and it's all in your head” Occasionally if you present with other symptoms like weight loss or vomiting they may even pin a body dysmorphic disorder on you such as Anorexia or Bulimia. Anything to get you out of their hair and make you someone else's problem so they can get their next easy fix patient. Most doctors doctors and a lot of the bad nurses develop narcissistic personality disorder and true convince themselves that they are doing the right thing, even if they get a call saying the patient died upon release, “they were fine when they were here so that's unrelated”

Even if a person has a medical condition that explains their symptoms but they don't take the time to listen to the patient or do research its “well the symptoms the patient presented with had nothing to do with their preexisting condition" so if they die they can go home at night feeling zero guilt and zero remorse because the medical field is very much based on desensitizing themselves to trauma that they take it to the point of denying accountability to the patient, their other doctors, their families and even themselves which is why the majority of EDS patients and patients who have severe or serious rare disease as a whole develop complex PTSD.

There is no treatment available to us because who do they send you to for PTSD? A Psychiatrist, a Psychologist or a Counselor and what are they? Health care workers. Practicing in the very same field that has encompassed us with a lifetime of medical abuse and neglect. Sending someone with Complex PTSD from medical abuse and neglect is like sending a US military soldier who developed PTSD after being a prisoner of war in Iraq back to Iraq to talk about their experiences with an Iraqi soldier. It just doesn't work. To make things worse, the abuse and neglect continues even after your diagnosis so it's like sending that US soldier back to Iraq to be a prisoner of war over and over and over again. If the medical field doesn't change the abuse continues and the PTSD gets worse and worse throughout our lives.

#MyEDSChallenge #MyHSDChallenge