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criptochecca · 2 years

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(wrt antifa/facist suicide post) I have really conflicting feelings on it that make me feel like I'm being pulled back and forth between literally wanting all fascists to fucking die but also feeling weird when anyone kills themselves 😕

like when it happens, I'm glad that they're gone and can't harm anyone else, but just kinda melancholy about suicide in general. i get a similar feeling anytime i hear about suicide that just feels kinda hollow (and honestly probably mostly stems from my personal history) it's an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance that I'm still trying to work through idk, but i have a wonderful therapist and, since I'm only 22, plenty of time to make impactful change in my way of thinking

also feel free not to respond to this or to delete it, I'm not trying to say your post didnt have a point because of my experience (part of why this is an ask and not a reply), i just thought about it again when I saw your post and felt like I needed to say it to someone so i could keep it from bouncing around my head (plus i find the whole conversation kinda interesting 🤗)

thanks for having anon on lol and the balls to call people out on their bullshit, following you (and other people/things obviously lmao) for the past few years has (subconsciously i think) helped me get into the habit of some casual forms of self reflection that I think have helped me a lot just in general

sorry this got kinda weird and sappy towards the end, but i do mean it so i felt like i should just go ahead and say it while i have the confidence to send an ask at all 🙃

i hope the rest of your day goes well!

hello anon :)

I'm gonna reply mostly because I wanna elaborate a little on what bothered me so much about this whole ordeal (putting this the disclaimer that i am very cynical and i dont think this guy actually killed himself but lets pretend he actually did)

I do think, despite everything, that everybody can change. Especially if they are still young. That said, when I think about fascists who made a 180 and became antifascists or even full out communists 98% of the examples that come to mind are people who grew up during fascist Italy and later joined the resistance or had something happen during their lives that changed the way they see the world (one example that comes to mind is Giulio Salierno, born in 36, who was a fascist during his teenae years, was jailed when he was 18 and in jail he read Marx with other inmates and became a communist).

But then, there is a HUGE difference between someone growing up in a fascist society, in a fascist school, later in life realizing fascism is bad and a 20 years old in the 2020s making an entire twitter blog on how Mussolini was actually a good guy and signing his *suicide letter* with "fascism will always live on*

But again, apart from that, what bothered me was how liberals were immediately jumping on the bandwagon of 1) deciding, completely arbitrarily, that this guy was just a naive teenager (again, 20/21 is obviously young but NOT *that* young) who was 100% groomed into becoming a fascist (how do you know that? how do you know that?) and 2) deciding that death is bad, always bad, doesn't matter who it happened to. And that to rejoice for the death of a fascist, a nazi, a racist, was actually even worse than being a fascist, a nazi a racist (there are also probably the same people who post daily the same meme of putin shooting himself but whatever)

Ok so, theres a young fascist and this young fascist decides to take his life, allegedly. Okay. Whatever. A part of me thinks that change is possible for anyone but also a part of me sees a guy talk good of the actions of Mussolini in Eritrea in 2022 and really does not care of what happens to them.

But it's this rethoric of "doesnt matter your belief, I will always support a fascist/a nazi/a racist because thats what good people do" abhorrent. This new generation "I will die to let you express your opinion" or whatever. I do not care about it, I do not care about the "right" of fascists to express their opinions. Like

this is not *twitter politics* this is a guy making an account just to revalue the life of Benito Mussolini. Idc.

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angel-deux-writes · 4 years

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Now that Honor Compels Me is finally done, I wanted to do a round-up of all the things I remember that made me say “I feel like I need to tell someone what almost happened here” or “I should probably explain this later lol”, along with my reasons for cutting the last few chapters/what would have happened in them. It’s prob going to be very long, which I apologize for, but I’ll bold the headings so that you can skip to the parts you’re interested in!

I’ll reblog it and add more as I think of them, but for now:

Dark Dany: VERY originally, like way back in the OG plotline from 2017, Dany was an antagonist, and Margaery Tyrell was Robb’s queen. Dany would have died fighting Cersei in Kings Landing, with the same result (Cersei was ALWAYS going to go out by wildfire lmao). I changed it both because a) it seemed like too many Conveniently Alive people for one story and b) after the shitty ending Dany got, I decided I would try my hand at writing a Dany I could actually root for! For years I’ve been a big proponent/fan of the idea that Dany is eventually going to be an antagonist in the books, but the way it was handled in the show was so irredeemably stupid (gassing her up and gaslighting/scolding her fans later who didn’t see it coming, making her switch at the drop of a hat for the majority of the general audience just for the sake of a twist, etc). I ended up really loving the version of Dany I created. I tried not to soften her TOO much, which is why I had her wrestle with herself even up to the very end (like thinking “I won” after the explosion in Kings Landing and hating herself for it). I didn’t want all the flaws that make me not support canon Dany to disappear just because I started to like her! I do think that writing this story made me like Dany more overall. I still don’t support her canon actions, and I also probably won’t in the books, but I came to find her more compelling as I wrote her. I’m a lot less afraid to write her now than I have been in the past, though I’ll continue to add warnings to all my stories that feature Dark Dany, bc yall Dany stans have been through enough.

More Death: At various points Dany, Theon, Bran, and Arya were going to die.

Dany was already pointed out.

I had Theon die in the Long Night in the plot outline just out of laziness/in keeping with canon, until I remembered that Redemption = Death is stupid and I wasn’t gonna do it.

Bran was going to die after warging into Drogon and being caught in the explosion of the Red Keep. That actually stayed in until a few weeks ago! I told a bunch of people that Bran was going to die! It was the plan all along! And then I realized that “somebody has to die” was a shitty way of looking at it, and I changed it. I think a lot of this process of changing things was me trying to write what I thought people wanted vs what story I actually wanted to tell. Sure it’s a little fairy tale ending this way, but it’s my story, and who cares? Happy endings are nice. Fuck off.

Arya...I probably wouldn’t have ever actually gone through with it, because I am a coward, but there was an idea of a VERY heavy-handed “revenge is bad” message with Arya where Arya was much more savage and instead of turning back into Arya, she was turning farther and farther away from her. She couldn’t reconcile with the Lannisters, she rejected her bonds with her family. In the end she would be unable to let go of her list, would refuse to grow and change and realize that she had other things to live for, and she would have set off one of Qyburn’s traps in the Red Keep, igniting the whole thing, killing Drogon and Rhaegal (and Bran) and leading to the deaths of thousands. AGAIN I was like “that’s too dark” and scrapped the idea, but it was definitely toyed with. I love Arya as a character, so this plotline for her would have definitely been more a reaction to fans of her who seem to want her to hold on to that vengeful seed inside of her.

Prophecies: Listen, I do not give a fuck about any prophecies. I really don’t. Every fantasy universe has some kind of involved backstory that some fans love to get mired in, but I am not one of those fans. Still, I tried to deliver on two of them lmao.

Azor Ahai ended up being Jaime, with Ice/Oathkeeper and Maiden’s Heart being Lightbringer. Originally, I had Brienne killing the Night King, without any thought to the prophecy at all, but that was another case of “people will like it if Brienne kills the Night King” and I realized that I would like it better if it was Jaime. I’m not sure how it checks out literally, but I figured it worked with a) tempering in water = splitting Ice. b) heart of a lion = Jaime’s change of heart after the Highgarden Battle. c) Nissa Nissa = Brienne’s “maiden’s heart” breaking during the Highgarden Battle. It was Brienne who did the stabbing, but it was Jaime who made it happen, so I figured that made sense. I made sure to mention Brienne’s tears and all the smoke when Jaime was wounded, so he could be “reborn amidst salt and smoke” or whatever, and I had Bran mention a rebirth for him in the next chapter. Which was maybe a little on the nose, but IDK GUYS I FEEL LIKE IT CHECKS OUT!

I know the show never dove into the Valonqar prophecy at all, and I think we all know that I absolutely HATE the idea of Jaime being the Valonqar, so I would rather not think about it AT ALL. But Bran AND Rhaegal were both kind of responsible for Cersei’s death in the end, so take your pick of which Little Brother actually did the deed!

Deleted Chapters: I promise you, you are not missing anything with these deleted chapters. They were always messy, and no matter how many times I edited them, they felt too forced and “now let me explain the ending”.

Sansa: Sansa’s chapter followed Jaime’s and was primarily about her going to Robb and Dany and the three of them talking about the future of Westeros. The Dany/Robb conversation about it was originally absent--the last Robb chapter was added to fill in the gaps when I deleted this and the other chapters--so this would have been the first time it was discussed. It then would have had a time jump and a wedding scene, which I could never make work! It was such a jarring time jump in the middle of a chapter, and I didn’t think the wedding was particularly exciting to write about lmao.

Tyrion: Tyrion’s chapter would have been Dany being crowned and announcing to everyone that she and her people are going to be dismantling the monarchy and setting up a new government. I think I had her give a period of a few years in which she and Robb would rule, but they were going to be transitioning governments in that time. Kind of the same idea as in What a King Should Look Like. Bronn also showed up, DID in fact get a minor holdfast, and was mocked by both Lannisters for bowing out before he could have earned himself a better one. Olenna found some bastard daughter to legitimize and continue her house.

Brienne: Brienne’s arc was a lot more drawn out in the original draft, and I ended up editing it a few times and making it shorter. VERY originally, this chapter would have been her wedding with Jaime, at which she has the “wow he actually loves me, huh?” realization. Which I thought was funny as I plotted it out, but in execution it wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be, so I moved the realization to an earlier chapter. The original was also going to be Jaime giving up his name entirely, and Brienne cloaking him, but as we have discussed before, I am in fact a coward, so I just deleted the whole chapter lmao. In all seriousness, at this point the endings just felt like Return of the King, and Into the West was actually the chosen song for this chapter, because I knew even as I was writing it that I was doing Too Much lmao.

Robb: Robb’s last chapter was essentially just a total wrap up chapter. Just Robb and Dany being sappy, Robb being happy he was still alive, and the two of them planning the future. They were at Riverrun for this part, i’m pretty sure, or it might have been Dragonstone? I had trouble even filling this chapter with enough words for it to be a full chapter, because it was basically just an epilogue. As the story progressed, this chapter felt more and more like I was just performing to the “Robb’s Alive” crowd, which I didn’t particularly want to do, because Robb being alive was always a feature, not the focus, of this story.

That’s all the stuff I can think of for now! If anyone has any particular questions you can message me or inbox me about them and I’d be happy to talk about it!

#angel does nanowrimo #honor compels me #this is maybe Too Much but idk here you go in case anyone wants it!!

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permian-tropos · 4 years

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Brendol Hux for the character ask.

1. How I feel about this character

I’m really fond of a version of him that absolutely doesn’t exist in canon, though it’s based on some canon elements. He has a particular position in canon that I think is cool -- being a link between the problems/evils of the Jedi Order and the evils of the First Order -- and there’s no way to take that really good content and bestow it to a different character because it IS Brendol’s thing. So I’m remodeling the mean dad man. I can make other mean dads but I can’t make many other architects of the stormtrooper program.

But basically, as a guy who is ideologically descended from the Jedi, he’s the sort of villain that ought to have been more accessible. You should be able to read about him doing appalling things but be invested in what’s going on so you can understand those appalling things in a wider context. It should be engaging to get stuff from his POV. I don’t think we’ve had any Brendol POV content in canon at all, and canon writers seem like they’re not particularly interested in making him someone you want to see more of. Plus, I don’t think they ever want to talk about how messed up the clone program was. Brendol being inspired by the clone program only implicates the Jedi if Brendol is relatable enough that you can see how the Jedi playing fast and loose with morality could have a corrupting effect on others.

Besides that though his British boarding school aesthetic is good actually, and the times he’s allowed to be affably evil really sold me.

2. All the people I ship romantically with this character

As most of you know, Armitage’s mother, but an OC named Moira who is Palpatine’s daughter and is a powerful Dark Side user who was an Inquisitor for a while and then hides out on Arkanis doing her own thing. She and Brendol are gross and sappy together, even though they do have some pretty major relationship troubles. Evil power couple.

Maratelle, in the sense that she used to be in love with him back when he was hiding the worst of his ambitions.

I’ll put Sloane and Rax on the same line here because I lowkey like the idea of either of them having a thing with Brendol, sort of an X with benefits situation because they’re all having depressed midlife crises.

3. My non-romantic OTP for this character

This will be hard to convey without a lot of context but I created another OC, a FO officer around Finn’s age who used to be a trooper, that would have a relationship to Brendol kind of intentionally paralleling Rey and Luke in TLJ. Brendol survives his canon death but lives in exile (no longer evil) with Moira, and then this OC discovers them while trying to save stormtroopers on Starkiller from this supernatural disease that is connected to/caused by reconditioning. It’s like when Rey discovers that her hero wasn’t what she expected but worse, but in the end my OC and the Hux parents have this very tentative, pained familiarity… I was inspired by in canon Brendol sort of approving of Zare Leonis for being nicer than he thinks is appropriate, so my OC comes along aggressively trying to do the right thing and Brendol is disillusioned with his old career and he lets himself care about one more person, someone who he once terribly wronged (by, you know, kidnapping). Yah he get redeemed in that story im just fukcing rolling with it u know how it is... it’s also inspired by the idea of redeemed Vader sticking around long enough to have quiet domestic scenes especially since this version of Brendol has a very damaged body (considering how he canonically died). But instead of being a cyborg he’s a, uh, sea monster chimera for some bonus Lovecraftian vibes and because Moira is a monsterfucker and she put him back together.

4. My unpopular opinion about this character

Most of my opinions about him are unpopular but it’s not like there’s a ton of discourse around him though, since he’s not seen as a seductive threat to morals like Kylo Ren lol. I don’t think the people who have strong negative feelings about Brendol because, say, they love Armitage, would really be offended by my version. So my opinions are not super contentious, just unusual. Also, it’d be hard for other people to come up with the same ideas about Brendol as me since I’m inventing so much of my own content for it.

5. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Would prefer canon not do anything more with him because I want to keep my playground of ideas going.

However, I think he could have been in TLJ as part of the arc that culminates in Finn and Rose vs Hux and Phasma. He could start off with Armitage as a parallel to Leia with Poe, and he’s not really Armitage’s villain because I want to make sure to emphasize how his villainy affected Finn and Rose (Finn is obvious, and the Order kidnapped kids from Rose’s homeworld too). So he wouldn’t be abusing Armitage for his failures, in fact he’d be forced to watch Snoke doing that, and Armitage is clearly hurt and angry that his father won’t/can’t protect him but it’s not that they completely hate each other. But later Finn and Rose could clash with Brendol in that execution scene, so they get to talk about their backstories a little more, and Phasma could shoot Brendol as part of that deleted scene where she kills the troopers after Finn reveals her treachery, and then Armitage actually watches his father die but he’s not ok with it actually and I think all that would be solid drama.

#asks

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procession-of-blades · 5 years

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@loreyrs I can’t @ you but I went to respond to your comment on that other post, and accidentally a bit of a rambly rant after writing the answer, and I didn’t want to entirely hijack @warmaster-aranaies‘s post like a butthole laskudflkg

We did get one other thing in LW4! It brought us the...frankly ENTIRELY out of left field “Darkness pays Orr a visit” poem subplot. I joined this game around the same time @commander-thiernaen did, so I got to Jahai a little later than most people, but I was playing when the episode dropped. I remember the utter confusion spread over the handful of people I’d followed at that point in time, “Wait why are they bring up Trahearne NOW of all times?” On top of that, it was a love??? poem????? Going back to Personal Story sappy soft Trahearne content out of NOWHERE and then...IMMEDIATELY dropping him again. Directly after the line is read and the Commander comments. Bam. He’s vanished again.

Not in the Mist Wardens. Not in the ‘hey we have a message from Glint!’ moment but I GUESS SNAFF HAS A REASON TO POP UP? COOL FANSERVICE NICE TO SEE HIM I GUESS? Snaff’s cool just. Like I guess it’s cuz they had fought Kralk in the past? But we had zero indication that Trahearne didn’t intend to see the dragon threat to the end. The closest I can recall to us being able to say anything about missing him or feeling guilty or sad or anything is when we find that poem, honestly.

And then back to as if he never existed at all. We have limited knowledge of the extent of Taimi and Trahearne’s interactions. No idea if they were super close, etc. If it was LW1 content then LOL FAT CHANCE AT US NEWCOMERS KNOWING THAT? Perhaps it was an optional dialog in an earlier story that I missed? But they just go “btw Taimi n Trahearne talked poetry once upon a time anyway back to Kralk,” and no elaboration. No payoff. Considering how War Eternal ended, it does seem like the theory about ‘it was gonna end here’ has at least a sliver of weight to it, and if so? They woulda dropped that with zero chance of ever paying it off, huh. I’ve been watching that

More analysis lbr it’s nitpicking under the cut

Anet seems to do...interesting and experimental things with narrative a lot. In recent years there’s been a big trend of ‘oh we have to shock and surprise the audience they can’t predict it ahead of time! bad bad bad!’ in media, and while the lead narrative folks on GW2 have talked on and on about how one cannot expect instant gratification, how people expect instant payoff, at least in the case of those ranting about, say, Almorra being (apparently?? maybe?) succeeded by Jhavi instead of the prior ESTABLISHED SUCCESSOR Laranthir, or the people ranting about Trahearne VANISHING AND REAPPEARING RANDOMLY IT SEEMS, there are a few narrative/dramatic concepts that they seem to...take really skewed opinions on?

To get my Wikipedia copypasta on:

Chekhov's gun is a dramatic principle that states that every element in a story must be necessary, and irrelevant elements should be removed; elements should not appear to make "false promises" by never coming into play. The statement is recorded in letters by Anton Chekhov several times, with some variation:

"Remove everything that has no relevance to the story. If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." "One must never place a loaded rifle on the stage if it isn't going to go off. It's wrong to make promises you don't mean to keep." "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there."

I’d personally count things like the Orr poem as a currently unfired gun. It’s sitting there. Drawn attention to in main story. Even has optional dialog in the Priory!

Moving onto the other point that came to mind, it’s not as if Arenanet is UNAWARE of this, right? In the company’s job postings for narrative stuff, there’s even a line “Unafraid to make tough calls, embrace the necessity of "killing your darlings", and take direction from creative leads.” So clearly they’re talking about the necessity of trimming the story of things you don’t need--

Or do they? It dawned on me a while back that I often see this context used out of context an AWFUL LOT. It doesn’t mean “kill your favorite characters in your story,” like I tend to hear people assume. Often attributed to Faulkner but apparently originating from Arthur Quiller-Couch, the full quote is actually:

If you here require a practical rule of me, I will present you with this: ‘Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it—whole-heartedly—and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings.

Now, I don’t want to make assumptions about writers more accomplished than myself, of course not. I don’t want to...presume. That Anet misunderstands that as a concept. I’m sure they prune the HELL out of their stuff. I love watching Guild Chat or reading their responses on Reddit/other platforms. They’re passionate as hell as a group and put a lot of effort into this. But...stuff like the points brought up in the threads today DO make me wonder at times. That plus the lead narrative fellow’s recent Twitter discussion about delayed gratification...

It really feels at times like Anet is firing...the wrong guns. Killing the wrong darlings. Such hit and miss points of focus on characters. This huge amount of clarification and emphasis on why we couldn’t ride mounts in the mines where we find Almorra...but also leaving zero mention of the aforementioned pre-designated successor. In-game or out? I can only hope that they’re aware of how disjointed a lot of these things come off to at least a chunk of the fanbase...and that my nightmares about Anet lampshading the dangling threads and then ignoring them don’t end up a reality.

-longingly stares at the carved tablet- I’ve never been so eager to see a gun fired.

#gw2 spoilers #whisper in the dark spoilers #lw5 spoilers #lw4 spoilers #lw3 spoilers #hot spoilers #icebrood saga spoilers #just all the spoilers honestly #this got away from me #insomnia got me like 'but what if you kept typing'

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arcadelesbians · 7 years

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Story time So I had a crush on this one guy from afternoon class, right? (yes, another one, not just J) back in February, when I last saw him regarding school stuff, he looked so damn nice, so damn handsome. I spent weeks thinking about him after a school trip we all had. After that he stopped assisting school, the reason why was unknown for me back then. Until two weeks ago. That's when I decided to add him on Facebook (thing I spent literally months avoiding bc anxiety and awkwardness). He accepted my request and surprisingly, took the initiative to talk to me sending me a message. It was all very strange since he basically started talking about 'his depression', thing I took quite serious at the time, only for him to start making uncomfortable and quite uncommon suggestions to me (e. he asked me if I'd kiss him). I mean i would lol but i was just getting to know him tf calm down buddy. This made me thought "maybe he just wants kisses like me??? hell yea that's what ive been wanting for moths, why not try?" Anyway, we chatted and chatted two days, and in those two days I realized he wasn't really the person i thought he would be. Wasn't sure how to feel about him anymore. I even started to think that he may be just another one of the infamous Fuckboys™. But I wanted to prove myself wrong. Anyway, he proposed we had a date. I thought "maybe if we see each other and talk in person, maybe he won't be that weird" but oh boy, trust me he was. We talked for a few hours and laughed and I was really enjoying spending time with him. Then we walked looking for ice cream. Never found one because we stopped at a corner, talking some more. Until he insisted if I was going to kiss him. I told him I wouldn't and he insisted some more with a 'don't lie, you want to' aaaand, maybe he wasn't wrong. Maybe I wanted to kiss him. Maybe I did. But right after that he started getting creepy again asking when we would hook up. I mean, the fuck? I stopped him right there and told him that it was wrong and was making me feel really uncomfortable. I told him things aren't like that. Then he felt bad and got apparently sad and started making comments on how that was the way people always ditched him. Thinking he was too desperate and a loser and all that. I thought, 'maybe that's his depression talking', so I tried to cheer him up, so I told him some things I thought could help him stop being like that (maybe I kissed him some more, blegh). Anyway, the date ended, we got home and basically never stopped chatting. The day after, while messaging with him, he decided, for some reason I still can't understand, to send me a mother fucking picture of himself, naked (thankfully I didn't see the D but still, wtf). It was so fucking uncomfortable and grossed out and I just felt terrible. It had never happened to me. I told him how wrong that was and that I didn't want to see something like that ever again. Basically it was all like a NO for me and I thought I would never see or talk to him ever again. I felt sad, because I had this idea of him and he totally murdered it. After that he sent me another message telling me that "that was him and he would not ever change for me or for anyone. That if I wanted him like that, I gave up to him without doubt it" I was so fucking shocked. It was literally the fuckboy revelation. I shut him straight up telling him his condition wasn't an excuse to act like such a creepy, desperate douchebag. He basically ignored that and told me good bye. I was shocked and angry and disappointed about all this. I didn't much care. But then a few hours later he sent me an apology message, telling me how bad he felt after all that, asking me for a second chance. Telling me he now acts like this because people always treated him wrong and never valuated his good intentions before. I was so unsure... But somehow we talked it out and agreed on meeting a second time a couple of days later to have a real talk about all this. So I met him, and he kind of acted like nothing happened and also he just wanted to kiss me but I didn't let him until I stopped him straight up, telling him that I didn't want to get any more serious with him. I didn't want to have any kind of boyfriend-girlfriend thing with him. That I was cool with just kissing, without the ugly and uncomfortable moments like his nude picture. Then he used the 'oh, I'm sappy again' thing and felt so bad and said that maybe it wasn't a good idea for him because he couldn't stop having feelings for me when he was around me (lmao, remember we have only 'seen' each other like this, two times and have only talked for less than a week so ????) so I thought, "well okay, I'm not going to force you, maybe I should go" but then he didn't want me to go and said that 'he would take the risk' and kissed me. I thought, 'well that's cleared up, maybe enjoy it', so the chatting continued and I thought, 'we get along nicely despite the odds', but sometimes, he seemed to forget what I told him and said things as if we were something. As if we would ever be something. I explained things to him at least two more times. He assured he got it, but that it was hard for him not to grow feelings for me. He told me he wished he could be more like me and don't feel anything round him (that one hurt, I sounded like a cold hearted bitch, maybe he ain't wrong tho). Aaaaanyway, I could tell he would keep doing that, ignoring what I told him and keep making himself too comfortable with me. It started making me anxious and uncomfortable again. Also I couldn't really forget that first impression he gave me. It was terrible, y'all would agree. I probably shouldn't have gave him that second chance. So I started to doubt and decided to tell him I wasn't okay with the thing between us and we needed to stop seeing each other. He didn't take it very well, obviously, but I really felt like things wouldn't end well if I continued seeing him. So it ended, like that. Like.. 3 days ago. He doesn't talk to me, obviously. Yesterday he deleted me from his friends on Facebook. I still have his number for WhatsApp, but I'm pretty sure he has blocked me by now. All this experience, I feel, could have been better. Maybe. Maybe if he wouldn't had send me that message. Maybe if I wouldn't had agreed on meeting him and much less kissing him that early. Maybe I shouldn't have had this idea of him being nice and shy and such a good guy. Maybe if he wouldn't have had a mental breakdown a few months ago. Maybe yeah, I'm a cold hearted bitch now. After all, the moment I met him after been messaging him for two days and getting to know him more, the butterflies I felt back in February weren't there. Maybe he stopped being my crush the moment I kissed him.

#this was quite the story tbh #dont know if i will ever see him again #probably I could if he ever gets back to school #anyway.. i hope his okay and recovers from his depression #i mean this honestly #personal

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someonewhowannadielol · 7 years

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We’re not friends.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Myaod6GC4U

Please listen to this while reading <3 There are more notes at the end :)

We're not, no we're not friends, nor have we ever been. We just try to keep those secrets in a lie, And if they find out, will it all go wrong? And Heaven knows, no one wants it to.

“Jungkook-ah you’re so cute.” Jimin smiles lovingly at him, and in the tone he said it, obviously indicated that he was not joking.

“Hyung, not here. Not in front of the fans.” Jungkook speaks, his voice only reaching Jimin.

Trying not to let the fact that he can’t show his love, Jimin sighs and smiles, only this wasn’t a genuine smile. Carrying on with the interview, Jimin could feel a pain in his chest rising up choking him slightly.

So I could take the back road But your eyes will lead me straight back home. And if you know me like I know you You should love me, you should know.

Jimin looks at Jungkook when the concert is over, and they’re all drained out of their energy, but still no matter in what situation, he walks over to Jungkook and gives him a bottle of water.

“Thanks Hyung.”

“Its okay,” I mean I love you.

No matter how hard Jimin tries to let go of Jungkook, he can’t help but let himself get hurt either way. The fact that Jungkook reminds him of home and the general sensation of happiness doesn’t help. If only. If only he could get to tell him sincerely.

Friends just sleep in another bed, And friends don't treat me like you do. Well I know that there's a limit to everything, But my friends won't love me like you. No, my friends won't love me like you.

“Can I sleep with you today? I feel cold, hyung.” Jungkook, almost in the middle of the night, crawled creepily into the room that himself and Jimin shared. Tired was an understatement, he could barely walk after the dance practice where he pushed himself to his utmost limits.

“Go on.” Jimin whispered. There wasn’t much of an initial shock as the event wasn’t particularly rare. He cuddled again Jimin’s back, sighing softly.

“Goodnight.” They said in unison, without realizing. Feeling each others heartbeats, they laid there in silence. This wasn’t the silence that made you uncomfortable- instead the opposite. This was the silence everyone needed once in a while, the silence that spoke everything.

But then again, if we're not friends, Someone else might love you too. And then again, if we're not friends, There'd be nothing I could do, and that's why

Friends should sleep in other beds. And friends shouldn't kiss me like you do. And I know that there's a limit to everything. But my friends won't love me like you. No, my friends won't love me like you do. Oh, my friends will never love me like you.

Smiling, cuddling and joking around with each other wasn’t enough for Jimin.

Rehearsing together, getting stuck on duties together and binge eating together (only to regret it, later when they have to exercise harder) just wasn’t enough for Jungkook.

They both craved so much for each other, not to shut themselves in the last moment. It wasn’t accepted to like each other- not to mention the reaction of the fans and the scandal would put them at a high risk- they could only bottle up their feeling and throw it in an ocean.

Jimin knew he reached his peak when he googles “How to stay friends with someone you love” only to later delete it from his history without even clicking on the results.

Jungkook thought he was crossing the limit when he kissed Jimin on the cheek during an interview. The whole hour he wasn’t able to look at Jimin in the eye.

Being friends wasn’t enough, but it was the only thing they treasured. Jimin was glad that even if he wasn’t allowed to love Jungkook, he was still a part of his life. Even if Jungkook couldn’t say “I love you,” everytime he felt like saying, every moment of his life, didn’t mean his mind didn’t scream it out. Not realizing, they did small things for each other defining their love and adoration. The only thing standing between them was reality.

They wished they met in another lifetime.

soo thIS WAS MY FIRST FANFIC/ WRITING ON TUMBLR YET.

This was so much ANGST IM SORRY EVERYONE ITS JUST I COULDN’T HELP IT BLAME IT ON ED SHEERAN HE GOT ME IN THE FEELS.

Y’all can request me like anything, like literally ANYTHING. I can write anything, BTS X BTS, BTS X reader, fluff, angst, crying sappy stuff lol.

Just request me! Byeee!

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datingadviceonreddit · 5 years

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Hi all, first time posting to Reddit so sorry in advance if I ramble or do something wrong. Ill try and make this as brief and clear as possible.Some background to paint a self portrait. I'm a 25(m) and work in sales for a large distributor. I've always struggled with self esteem issues, so trying to figure out if someone is into me has always been a chore. I'm by no means a Debbie Downer about myself, I actually like to think I exude confidence and don't care about other peoples opinions. But deep down I have a real bad self-image of myself.With that in mind, I know I for sure bring some good qualities to the table. I have a decent job, I live in a house with a room mate that we purchased, i'm independent, I've got a good group of friends and a great personality. Don't want to toot my on horn, but I like to think of myself as pretty funny. I make most people I meet laugh in some way or another, and the coworker I am into is no exception. Lets get to her, I mean that's what i'm here to do after all.Ill try and describer her as best I can, we'll call her Molly. She's a 26(f) single mom with an awesome little dude for a son. The dad is still in the picture as far as a dad goes and from what I can gather from her telling me, hes not a bad dad at all. Maybe a not-so-great guy in general, but a decent dad nonetheless. Physically shes a very short and petite girl, and very in shape. I only mention this because I currently rock a dad bod (not a dad though), and I think this is one reason I debate shooting my shot or not. Our physical differences are pretty, well, different. I'm working to improve myself physically but it's a slow process. Her personality though, is almost identical to mine. We're both very sarcastic people and can easily pick fun at each other and others as well as receive it. Hopefully that's enough about each of us individually for you all to get an idea, if not let me know and I can elaborate further.Now I'll chat about our friendship thus far. We've been friends just about as long as we've worked at the same company, so about 2.5 years. The first time we hung out outside of work, I asked her if she wanted to grab sushi and she said yes. I didn't call it a date out loud but I like to think it was somewhat implied. After the first little bit of the typical awkwardness, we chatted about the usual topics 2 people talk about, what're you into outside of work, favorite music, etc etc. We found out we share a lot in common in that sense, especially music taste (alternative/punk rock). After sushi we started hanging out more frequently, usually every other weekend when she didn't have her son. There was a lull for some time where we didn't but we still talked quite a bit at work over IM. Recently we've picked back up hanging out.Alright, I guess now I'll talk about why I think (and hope) shes into me, strap in because I think this will be where the bulk of my story is. Right off the top of my head, a lot of the times we'll hang out it's because she asks. It's never "oh hey me and some friends are going out, you should come", it's "hey if you're free this weekend we should go downtown for some drinks or do dinner." I may be reading into it way too much, but they always feel kinda like dates. I've got a couple of examples I think may tip the scales one way or the other. On one occasion, she texted me around 8pm asking what I was doing, I told her the usual, hanging out at home watching TV. She asked if I had wanted to hang out and I of course said "yea, what do you have in mind?". Now, previously we had talked about me not knowing how to play many card games (think like poker and Texas hold'em). So she asked if I wanted to come over and play, she'd teach me how to play. Bare in mind this is 8 almost 9pm by the time I get to her place, all to just sit and play cards together. Which is what we did, we played some card game I had never played before and talked about our lives. She and I both hadn't known each other too long at this point but she told me some really deep stuff about her past and I reciprocated. And that was that, I left around 11pm. I for sure thought this was a weird happening but didn't know what to make of it. On another occasion, I picked her up for dinner one night, we went, had a drink or 2, and had a great time. I drove her home of course, parked in front of her apartment for about 5 minutes to chat and she got out. I was driving away and just as I left her apartment gate, got a text saying "you could have come in lol". I'm not one to invite myself in, anywhere. I didn't know how to respond and just said something along the lines of "oh haha I didn't want to invite myself in" and left it at that.Now those are just 2 instances I can think of right off the top of my head but there are a few more small things that lead me to believe this happening may be a possibility. Whenever we're driving somewhere together she always wants to DJ what we listen to so I let her. She'll often play a lot of songs about love, or relationships, or whatnot. I try to just think of it as a random selection but I don't know if it is. Specifically though, she always plays this one song Jon Bellions "All Time Low". If you haven't heard it, give it a listen, its a great song! It's also a somewhat sappy love-type song. We have a little inside joke everywhere we go there's live music where we go "I wonder if the DJ here knows that song." I once recently asked her why she plays that song all the time and she said "I don't know, its a really good song and I only play it around..." and then she trailed off and wouldn't finish her sentence. Now I know, I may be overthinking this totally but I like to think she was going to say "around you." Alright, last little tidbit I'll give you all. There's one thing we do when we go out where we'll pretend to get into a fake little "couple fight" to make other people around us go "wtf?". Nothing ever crazy, just gives us a laugh. Often, a host/hostess will be seating us and say something like "oh you 2 can sit on the same side of the booth if you want." I'll usually blurt out "we're not together" out of just general awkwardness. One or two times I've done this though she's jokingly said "oh i thought this was a date" and laugh it off. There was also a time one of our fake couple fights was something about me not caring for her anymore and she goes "you won't even hold my hand in public!". We just laughed at the strange stares passerby's gave us.Oh!! One more thing, and I promise I'm done! Within the passed month, I noticed she was on Tinder because I'm also on Tinder and saw her profile. Now, you need to note this girl has 0 social media and has sworn she'd never use a dating site because of the horror stories she's heard. So I was definitely surprised when I saw her. I took note of her Tinder bio, and texted her a little snippit of it making fun of her. She cracked up, told me she finally broke and wanted to see what it was about. She also told me she'd probably deleting it soon as well because nasty dudes were being, well, nasty dudes. I told her I totally understand that but if you delete before I get my match notification, I'll take it personally, in a joking manner. She said something along the lines of "oh no, you found my profile, I am for SURE looking for yours." A day later I IMed her at work and let her know I still had not gotten a match notification. She told me she had spent 2 hours the night before swiping left on dudes endlessly looking for me. I told her not to worry about it, I was joking, and I'm sure there are plenty more dudes to go through that women. She shortly deleted later that day after being fed up with the grossness. I, in the mean time however, had matched with someone else on Tinder and brought it up to her. This girl I had matched was pregnant, but that stuff doesn't bother me. Now Molly seemed a lot more interested in this Tinder match than I. She asked me on 2 separate occasions "so how would that work if you guys start seeing each other and she has the kid?". I responded honestly "I don,t mind, Id help with this kid if she wanted me to or just stay out of it that's what she wanted." I talked to Tinder match for about a week and a half, and daily to semi-daily, Molly would ask how she was. I'd say fine, I'm not really vibing with her but ill give her a shot. Luckily I never had to, because she found someone else on Tinder ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. No sweat off my back, but I found it odd Molly asked about her a lot.Alright Reddit, that,s my story. I'll end with this, I really REALLY like this girl, not just your usual run of the mill crush. That's why i'm petrified of coming out and telling her how I feel. Plus, lets say my guts wrong and i'm looking into this all wrong, it would make work pretty damn awkward. Looking back on this as my first post it looks like I wrote a small novel so I get if no one reads this or reads it in full. Typing this all up is kind a of a good way for me to reflect. But id really enjoy some second opinions and advise if you have time. Sorry again for any error or wall of text! If you need any other info just let me know :) thanks! via /r/dating_advice

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