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makeste · 3 years

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“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua and @class1akids’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

#bnha 322 #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #bnha meta #bakugou meta #deku meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha

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theregoesmylurkerstatus · 3 years

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Caleb has, verbally, shown so little bloodthirst regarding the people who wronged him. He doesn’t know how he feels. He doesn’t know what he wants. He wants them to change, he wants the pain to stop. He wants to rehabilitate all these murderers under Ikithon because he was one of them and he wants to believe he’s not alone in this, he wants them to get better.

He also takes three steps into the place where he was sealed away like some kind of animal, full of simple (if skilled) guards who are so much lower on the food chain than the assassins Caleb knows... and for the first time ever he starts crushing people to death. Gone is the soft talk and hesitant hope. He asserts that they knew what they were doing. That they were not innocents.

He spent eleven years there. He can’t remember it. He also can’t think of the people who did that to him as people, whether they were actually the ones that guarded him or not.

I think Caleb’s trauma and his ability to react with extreme prejudice when confronted with it often gets underestimated both by the audience and Caleb himself. There’s a really interesting dichotomy that seems to go on with him, in that we’re constantly taken somewhat aback by these breathtaking displays of violence of his, even though they keep happening.

I realised it when we first met Astrid, actually. I don't know about anyone else, but the revelation that Caleb’s reaction to watching his parents die wasn’t running in to help them, or screaming himself, or even dissociating, but was instead attacking his peers? It surprised the heck out of me.

I don’t think anyone thought that would have been his reaction. All the pieces of fiction or art or meta about that moment that I saw assumed he had a much more passive or help oriented reaction. Even the cast themselves animated that moment as Astrid and Eodwulf stoically walking away from a silent Caleb on his knees in their own animated title sequence.

The fact that we all accepted the image of Caleb, on his knees, silently watching his family burn, is interesting to me. Because I do get why.

When Caleb is forcefully reminded of that moment of extreme grief, he dissociates. He doesn’t react violently when lost in his trauma in that particular way. Add to that that Caleb brushes over the immediate aftermath of his parent’s deaths, which makes it seem like his foggy, clouded state in the Asylum was the instant result of his trauma, and the idea that Caleb reacted passively to his parent’s deaths is a very easy assumption to make.

At this point I believe it’s also indicative of how Caleb sees himself. Caleb hates (hated?) himself, yes, but he doesn’t actually seem to see himself as a violent person. When asked to impress a high level mage from an alien culture, he chose the versatile reskinned Bigby’s Hand, Cat’s Ire. When trying to be intimidating, he uses his words, or points to his friends as threats, or uses Frumpkin as a prop.

He doesn’t seem to give his ease with violence much thought or weight in his own view of himself. I think he assumed he was passive during his years at the Sanitarium, and so therefore assumed that his “breaking” was similar. And if that’s what Caleb thought of himself, why would we think any different?

People don’t tend to think of Caleb as a fighter, least of all Caleb himself. The common view of him is that he’s a hesitant support character. He’s not someone who fans or other characters alike would easily call “bloodthirsty,” especially with him confronting and discussing the man who ruined his life and refusing to commit to killing him.

Everything about how Caleb verbally approaches these traumas shows that he’s not vengeance driven. Revenge has never been part of his game plan, never been something he cared enough to pursue. And because of that palpable lack of bloodthirsty vengeance, because of his soft spoken, cautious demeanor, Caleb is not someone who would generally be picked as having extreme, unrelenting violence as his knee-jerk reaction.

Except that’s exactly what Caleb does when backed into a corner. That’s like his biggest move. Wall of Fire and Fireballing Avantika and her crew on a hair trigger? Bleeding, on the verge of unconsciousness, out of spells, and still managing to deal the killing blow on Lorenzo because he chose violence over any other action? Opening the final fight against Obann by smashing through the window and burning half the cultists to death, because they were that desperate to get Yasha back after two failed attempts?

He woke up after eleven years of being addled, confused and not himself, and immediately killed a guard and broke out of the Assembly’s own Saitarium in the heart of Rexxentrum. He unexpectedly got stabbed by a full-fledged Scourger, and his instant reaction was to beat her over the head with a rock.

And now, he’s infiltrated that same Sanitarium where he was kept only to flip from his desire to redeem those under the Assembly’s thumb to murdering half the people he came across in there with extreme prejudice.

His lack of interest in long-term vengeance is interestingly balanced by his frequent choices to pursue short-term retribution. It’s both his way of protecting his friends and himself, removing the threat and discouraging other threats, but it’s also, in my view, frequently an outlet for his heavily suppressed anger at the people who hurt him and his friends.

Caleb can be a good diplomat, but Caleb rarely chooses to be a diplomat. Caleb can be charming, but Caleb doesn’t like being charming. Caleb can be a good support caster, and Caleb is a support caster! But when he’s too compromised for strategy, when he stops thinking, he starts burning everything in his way. Because Caleb? He likes the way fire feels.

Caleb spent his formative years training to respond to conflict, physical or political, with lethality, and on a much more fundamental level, he is and always has been a man of action.

He took action to get out of the Sanitarium as soon as he was capable. He took action in the Bright Queen’s throne room, made a risky ploy instead of letting them be arrested. He wanted to take action retroactively against his parent’s deaths the second he regained coherency.

Despite what we all assumed, doing nothing in the face of his parent’s deaths was never an option for Caleb, and he wasn’t taught anything that was going to help his parents once the house was on fire and the screams started. So what else was he going to do, after two years of growing into the Scourger mould? When he loses his mind, his ability to think, two of his reasons to care?

Of course it was violence. Of course it was lashing out at the people he must have thought, on some level, as being in his way. Of course it was fire. What else would it be?

And though these circumstances here aren’t the same... there are enough similarities. He’s once again in those familiar halls (in that familiar mindset) where he was treated as a weapon, nothing more. He’s with the people he loves and he knows they’re in danger, again. In fact, they’re in danger from the same people he spent eleven years feeling threatened by, that he viewed as obstacles, whether consciously or not.

He doesn’t want his loved ones to be in danger. He doesn’t want to be surrounded by the guards who he associates with his own helplessness. He especially doesn’t want those two things to go together. And he has never been able to sit idly by when he can act. But what kind of actions can he take? What can he do to get these guards away, away from him, away from his friends, out of his way, right now?

The tried and true method. Not burning, not here, not now, let’s not set a building on fire with his loved ones in it again (though it happened anyway). But no matter. He’s learned a lot of tricks in the last few months.

And hey, don’t worry, Caleb’s not angry. He’s not still working through his own pain and rage at these people. He really does want to heal, not hurt.

It’s just that these ones deserved it.

#critical role #cr spoilers #c2e127 #c2e89 #ramblings #caleb #speculation #its interesting because he has such a good hold on his temper and he tries to think through most situations #which means he DOESNT get pushed to that breaking point a lot #and its usually only that breaking point that showcases how easily he wields violence #which is another factor in why he doesnt get regarded as a violent character #because he isnt! he really doesnt get violent often! its just something thats instinctive for him #his instinctive reactions though are not often seen bc he usually has a pretty good control over himself and situations around him #and i think its really really telling when he gets pushed into that mindset when theyre NOT at deaths door #hey caleb i dont think you're as ready for forgiveness and moving on as you think #theres a lot of buried rage in caleb and you can quote me on that #ive been saying it for months (years?) and ive only grown more confident in that assertion since then #sorry if this is an incoherent mess #does this make sense? i dont knoooow im sick of looking at it

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eponymous-rose · 3 years

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E131 (March 30, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Brian points out that a lot of Caleb’s greatest fears have come to pass. Liam: “It’s funny, because he’d kind of believed for a while that those things weren’t going to happen. After a while, he got complacent.” He notes that it was extra wild because everything with Trent popped up again in the midst of that complacency. And how did it feel to be defiant toward Trent? “I think Trent successfully made Caleb question if Caleb really was in control“ at the dinner party. “I feel like anything that I do is part of his plans for me, or is that just gaslighting? I’m legitimately scared of that dude.” Sam: “Of Matt?” Liam: “Sure.” He highlights the disconnect between knowing that the M9 is mechanically powerful and could possibly defeat Trent in a dice-and-stats battle, versus fearing him in a story sense and being convinced he can do almost anything.

Sam, on Luc’s death: “That was brutal, man. Matt Mercer is a-- he hates children! Clearly. He actively sought to kill a child in the campaign in as brutal a way as possible. He hates children and wants them dead. Canon. No, but to RP, that was horrible.” He highlights that so much of Veth’s arc has been about trying to get back to her family. “We had to choose something and we thought we were making the right choice. It was all Veth’s fault, and it was pretty rotten. My heart was beating pretty fast, and I certainly didn’t want to have my son die live on the stream. I don’t know what Veth would have done. That’s the end, that’s over. It’s almost worse than when your own character would die. This is something that would also kill Veth.” After the episode was over: “just shaken. I also didn’t know what to do next! That felt like a turning-point moment for my character, weirdly so close to what we assume to be the end arc of this campaign. I texted Matt later that night and was like, that’s it, Veth’s out, I’m tapping out.”

There’s an interlude in which Sam discovers a new dream to record an episode of this show from his Peloton. Dani informs him that she will not be inviting him back.

On Astrid, Liam: “I literally don’t know what she’s doing. I know that she’s dangerous, she always was ambitious, and there’s not been a moment where Caleb let his guard down with her. He’s not trying to reestablish what they had. He cares for the both of them, for Astrid and Eodwulf. He thinks about it a lot, still. He can’t tell how much she buys into everything that she experienced and is now living as a full-grown adult. He suspects that she’s bought in and is not going to change things, because she believes in the system, as much as he’d like to peel her away. He does believe that they want what’s best for the Empire, and stopping whatever wants to come vomiting out of a hole in the frozen north is good for everyone. And they’re powerful. They’re not trustworthy, obviously. But there’s enough at stake to make it worth it. He could imagine a situation where they fight each other to the death.” He was convinced Astrid was going to stop them when they left the tower and was really shocked when she held back. Sam: “Not me! I’ve trusted Astrid since day one. She’s the greatest! I sent a letter to her, she’s very nice, I think you guys would be a nice couple. I believe every word she says.”

On having to decide on Veth deciding to go off and save the world after Luc’s death. “Like I said, I was ready to be done. And then I decided somewhere in there that that’s not very D&D. So I thought I’d leave it up to somebody else, so I asked Caduceus to decide for me, essentially. She knows she’s putting her other family in danger if she doesn’t go. It’s an impossible choice, you know?” Liam: “I love watching you grapple with it, because you’re a lovely father and love your kids.”

On the Sanatorium, Sam: “That was brutal, man. Matt lulls you into a sense of complacency. We’d forgotten that Caleb was a stone-cold killer! It had been a while since he went on a murder spree. Still got it!” Liam: “I never meant for this character to be perfect sunshine.” Brian: “You don’t say.” Liam: “He’s very not-perfect, and I think in his brain, he was going in with the impression that they needed to get in and get out as soon as possible. The place is crawling with people with magic ability, and I didn’t have faith that we wouldn’t be sussed out or something wasn’t going to blow an illusion.” Everything was about getting out of there as fast as possible.

Did the conversation with Yeza help with Veth’s decision? “First of all, every conversation with Yeza is a beautiful one. Every time she talks to Yeza, it makes her feel good. In some ways, she’s gotten to the point now where she knows Yeza’s going to be supportive, she knows he’s going to allow her to do what she wants, but maybe that’s too much. Maybe she needs to not listen to him, basically, and be like, no, you need to be selfish now, dude, you need to say ‘come home, I’m sick of you leaving’. At a certain point, being supportive can turn into being enabling.”

Cosplay of the Week: Jester in the snow! (liljerbear47, photography by kairiceleste on Instagram)

On Trent’s motivations for chasing Caleb: “I really don’t know. The simplest explanation is to just hammer down the nail that’s sticking up. It has crossed his mind that all high-level wizards are in danger of their own ambition and egos, so it’s occurred to him that Trent might have the same kind of ideas that Halas had in the past, and maybe Caleb was always meant to be another body to jump into. Maybe in some sick, disgusting, twisted way, he wants him to be his successor. I am thinking of the next campaign, without getting too deep in, trying to do something that is much more ride-along. Caleb is very, very specific, and I thought long and hard about all the different pieces on the chessboard for him. For campaign three, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.”

Dani: “Do I need to be keeping lore on your fucking ads?”

On the cursed dagger: “It was a tricky one, because in campaign one, one of the characters was under the influence of a cursed weapon, but it interacted with him and he knew what it was and what it did. And it affected his gameplay as a character. For me, Veth didn’t know what it was, ever. I as a player knew what it was doing, but Veth didn’t know at all. So it was kind of like my dirty, dark secret for many months. I knew this thing was coming perilously close to killing me, but my character didn’t know enough to bring it up to her friends. Nobody ever asked! So I was like, well, I guess this thing’s just going to kill me one day, and it’s kind of going to be a surprise.” Liam: “Sam, you love danger and self-destruction so much, you might as well be Mollymauk.”

On the fight in Yasha’s sequence, Sam: “You gotta put a character in your storm giant creature. It was so fun! It was so great of Matt to involve us in this encounter. It would’ve been fun just to watch, because Matt would have made it amazing and Ashley was sweating bullets, which is always fun to watch.” Sam notes he felt guilty, but Liam was going for the kill. Liam: “Matt’s gotta be careful about giving me that kind of story beat. I do not fucking care, I just fucking flip, I’m like, well, I’m going to destroy you, and I have no qualms about it. It’s too much fun!”

The Beau/Yasha tower date was in part inspired by not being able to give gifts as easily this last year. “This thing that we do together is a gift, but I love finding these moments, like the book for Jester and the tower for Yasha and for Beau. I really just wanted to give both of them a little magic for a night. I wanted them to leave this-- we’re trying to be as entertaining as possible, but shit is having an effect on all of us too, and I wanted them to have an escape, a great place to escape to.”

Fan Art of the Week: an amazing group shot, plus Marion, Yeza, and Luc! (vocaz on Twitter)

On choosing Essek over Trent, Liam: “It would have been so interesting and awful and great! Essek and Astrid and Eodwulf are everything that Bren used to be attracted to that are terrible for him. Essek, hopefully he can with time find a way out of the hole that he dug himself into, but it was only two months ago where he was found out and his ambitions came crashing down around him. Long-term, I have high hopes for him, but I think it’s going to be hard.” In contrast, Astrid and Eodwulf are still “deep in the shit. It would have been really hard to navigate, but fun to play at the table. We made the right choice with what we went with. Essek’s just getting started, and Caleb doesn’t trust him entirely, because he was burned so hard not too long ago. He’s still more trustworthy than the other three. So it’s the better choice. While Caleb has all these ties on the other side, they’re really fucking dangerous. So if you have to choose, you choose Essek. But fuck that die.” Sam: “Veth, much like Sam Riegel, makes instant decisions about whether to trust someone or not and sticks to it forever. Astrid, 100% trust. Eodwulf, 100% distrust. Essek, completely distrust. I still don’t think he’s a good guy. Ikithon? Trust. 100%. Because you know where he’s coming forward, you know what he wants. I still want him dead, but I trust him.”

On Veth’s post-adventuring plans: “Veth is probably still too in it right now to think about what comes next. I, Sam Riegel, have a good idea of what I want Veth to do post-campaign.” Brian: “Maybe you shouldn’t tell us. Save it for the show!” Sam: “All she knows is she can’t do this anymore. It’s very unhealthy to be battle-wounded every other day. It’s fun for a while, but college has to end at some point, and she’s gotta go home.”

On Frumpkin changing appearance and returning to the Feywild: “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the way it feels now for Caleb is that he feels too enmeshed in everything that has happened, and too much good has happened, and too much needs to happened, that that really narcissistic, selfish goal has the risk of harming everything else, which is more important. And that’s how he looks at it now. So he’s gearing towards letting everything from the beginning of the campaign, and where he started, go, and trying to figure out what use he’s going to be now and what he’s going to do if they’re not all dead. If Matt throws that shit down, I don’t know what I will do, I think about it a lot. But turning Frumpkin white and saying you’re free either way is him preparing to let go of everything he’s been holding on to for a really long time. He’s addicted to that idea that he can fix himself, and we’ll see if that hard choice gets presented, what he might do. But where he stands now, he doesn’t think that’s going to be reality, and he sees a way that he can be of use that he never really anticipated before, so he’s slowly shifting gears towards living with the pain he was trying to remove.”

On the last request scene and confidence heading into Aeor, Sam: “I feel like that’s a good request. I think all of us realized that if we die, that probably bodes badly for the world. I feel like all of us are at a point now as characters and as friends, that the first order of business would be to take care of everybody else’s shit, although we probably have different ideas of how to do that.” Liam: “I want the Empire to be healed, Caleb has all these memories of his parents and what they wanted for the world, and he wants that too. It’s clearly not in place now, the system needs to be broken and replaced. That could be a part of Caleb’s sunset. I don’t want Caleb to die, so maybe he can work on that after. As everything starts to shake out and we start heading towards our destiny, Caleb’s just free-floating. He’s not even going after the same thing he started for. So he’s looking at Veth’s family, and Luc specifically, and seeing that’s me, that’s a little boy in the Empire.”

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long text post

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angelsndragons · 3 years

Text

fjord’s feelings for caduceus changed in episodes 98-99

by which i mean, fjord finally realized how special and important he is to caduceus, which in turn set the tone of their relationship for the rest of the campaign. buckle up, this is a long one.

not when fjord threw away his sword and went to caduceus instead of jester. or when caduceus presented him with the star razor. or after the citadel fight when caduceus gave him his holy symbol. i think things changed for fjord in episode 98-99, when caduceus saved his life and removed the orb.

this is going to require some context.

because here’s the thing: fjord’s always looking for the price, waiting for the catch or other shoe to drop. people caring for him because of him with no strings attached is unprecedented. vandren and the world taught fjord that love is conditional, that only if you hide what others would find ugly and make yourself useful to them will they deign to give you a scrap of affection. i don’t think vandren did this maliciously, mind you, it was just part of his worldview and fjord’s life up to and beyond that point supported it. we can see that right up to the end of the show, where fjord is terrified that vandren didn’t remember him or that he didn’t mean nearly as much to the man as vandren did to him.

so we have fjord, who learned to don masks and hide his truest self, including his best and worst aspects. while fjord made the nein into a coherent group, into a force, a crew, a family, even, he still waited for that other shoe to drop. waited for the day that they would reject him because he was no longer useful or because he pushed them too far. you can see this waiting all over the early campaign; he’s not looking for an excuse like caleb to cut and run but he anticipates nearly all the moments that almost fractured the nein, in spite of that low wisdom score. while jester carried the guilt of not being able to save molly, fjord carried the guilt of not protecting the group in that crucial moment. travis confirmed on talks that fjord’s biggest fear when he lost his powers the first time was that he would no longer be useful and be kicked out of the group.

that’s why fjord damn near broke down at the end of 72. the nein, no questions asked, with their standard level of snark, accepted that he was going to be a liability and kept him around anyway. armed him anyway. declared that he was no liability and that they would help him along until he could help himself and them again. this unconditional acceptance caught fjord completely off guard. it always does, really. because caduceus had said for months, an out of game half a year, that he was looking to reforge the sword as a gift for fjord. he said this to fjord’s face. he did not change course when he learned that the sword was a legendary blade forged by acolytes of the wildmother and moonweaver. the blade was still meant for fjord, even if fjord was still chained to uk’otoa. fjord extends his love and protection to the nein but is still not convinced the reverse is true. he was starting to believe it but he wasn’t quite there yet.

caduceus has a high enough wisdom to understand that’s fjord’s hang up even if he doesn’t quite understand the reasoning behind it. that’s why he pulls fjord aside in ep 75 and tells him that he doesn’t have to choose the wildmother, that there are other gods and other ideas out there looking for a champion. fjord, who at this point considers wildmom his only option (travis says she’s the only one who’s shown the slightest interest in fjord and that’s why he’s gunning for her), is befuddled by caduceus and this whole talk, so much so the pair end up talking past each other for the next several episodes.

after fjord officially becomes a paladin, things between him and caduceus become fairly...unsettled compared to their previous interactions. they talk past each other more, they aren’t in sync enough to double team those social interactions they were just starting to get good at. things are just weird for a while. to me, that’s fjord waiting for the catch, waiting for caduceus to call in some favor or something like it. and he keeps getting confused when caduceus doesn’t. so he tries once or twice to follow in caduceus’ footsteps and do as he would instead. and it just makes things weirder. these two don’t have a moment together that doesn’t leave one of them confused or unsatisfied until ep 87, when caduceus gives fjord the holy symbol and inadvertently kicks off the next phase of their relationship. because here, caduceus tries to put them back on equal footing and fjord recognizes it. caduceus rejects framing their relationship as mentor/student and tells fjord he doesn’t need caduceus to give him answers. fjord is “well on his way.”

by defining what they aren’t, mentor/student, our two boys inadvertently ask the question, “so what are we?” honestly, it’s a question that the entire group grapples with in the 90s as they reintegrate yasha, as veth struggles with the question of changing back and whether she can stay with the nein, as beau tries to sacrifice herself for veth, as jester learns some uncomfortable truths about the traveler, as caduceus finds his family again. fjord and caduceus can easily define what they aren’t - not mentor/student, not brothers or cousins- but what they actually are stumps both of them.

their relationship doesn't look like any of their relationships with the others: beau is fjord's bro and first mate, caleb is fjord's complicated mirror and admiree, jester his crush and first person he learned to be vulnerable with, veth his antagonistic sibling. on caduceus' side, caleb is the one he looks to for a fellow project nerd and clear, unvarnished goals, beau and jester are the sisters caduceus misses, yasha the quiet beloved barbarian he understands better than the rest, and veth a mess he wants to help but can't. but fjord and caduceus' relationship is highly undefined at this point. notably undefined, beyond their newly shared connection to melora. at the dinner with essek, we get the stone bomb. and travis and fjord panic. like no, seriously, they spend the next four episodes low key panicking over this revelation. this ties back to fjord waiting for those other shoes to drop but it’s also more than that.

when it comes to destiny, fjord has always been the answer, the self made man, to both caduceus and caleb’s questions about destiny. he makes choices about who he is, who he wants to be, and takes actions towards those goals. he is one of those rare people who can wear many different masks, take on many different roles, while still maintaining his sense of self and becoming a fuller version of who he is. when I say fjord is the answer to destiny, what i mean is that he is what ioun said way back in c1 about Fate: mortals make choices and through those choices, destiny is fulfilled. he is the answer to caduceus' own growth from passive instrument waiting for someone to play him to active communicator in this conversation between gods and mortals. in this sense, fjord is what caduceus learns to be (this is exactly why caduceus rejects a mentor role; he has as much to learn from fjord as vice versa).

so for this coincidence to pop up, this idea that maybe fjord only had the illusion of choice to extend his service to the wildmother, that maybe somehow he was manipulated again, that there was some grand destiny pushing things and fjord had no say in it, yeah, i can see why fjord was low-key terrified. so is this what fjord and caduceus are: just some predestined grand fairy tale partnership neither of them have that much say in? episode 96 resoundingly rejects that label too. for one thing, none of the stones or clays treat fjord's last name as anything amazing or spectacular. for another, this string of episodes gives us caduceus at his most human. the terror of not knowing what happened to his family, the uncertainty of his homecoming, the relief of saving his family and home, the irritation at the way the chaos crew treats the temple, the playful attitude caduceus cultivates after, it's all on display. caduceus drops much of his placid exterior and willingly allows the nein to see sheer depth of emotion he has.

which leads me back to episode 98-99. uk’otoa’s agents come for fjord. and caduceus is pissed. travis and ashley both said on talks that they hadn’t really seen taliesin that pissed, that it was like someone had threatened an actual loved one of his. fjord dies. and comes back to an exhausted, still pissed off firbolg who is five seconds away from snapping archmage vess derogna’s head off for interrupting his prayer of healing. taliesin doesn’t even begin to relax until they start interrogating the dead fish people the next day. once caduceus confirms the ball is still in fjord, notably caduceus and caleb were the two who remembered, fjord starts asking for a way to remove it. he asks caduceus to start a commune with wildmom in tandem with jester’s commune with the traveler. caleb tells fjord that caduceus fought “very hard for you while you were down, i don’t know if he’s up to it.” having heard that, caduceus still tries, with his first divine intervention attempt of the campaign. and when jester figures out that greater restoration will work, caduceus pushes through his exhaustion, takes charge, and goes through a truly terrifying greater restoration with fjord to remove the ball. convulsing, seizing, shuddering, collapsing, etc.

in those moments, and in the quiet after when fjord confirms that he still has his powers, it finally hits him that yes, people can protect, fight, and love him for who he is alone. there is no chain or other shoe waiting to be dropped here. the wildmother is no uk’otoa, to punish or take power at a whim. caduceus will fight with everything he has and then some for fjord because he loves him (not for nothing does fjord only realizes the depths of jester’s feelings when she uses heal on him). who are caduceus and fjord to each other? they are people who will fight for one another and the others as far as they can. fjord says over and over again that he wants to protect the nein and look out for them because he cares for them. he demonstrates it over and over again as well. caduceus says basically the same thing; he wants everyone safe and happily on their way and will stay until they are. he demonstrates this all the time as well. this is, i think, the first time that he demonstrates his dedication so unequivocally, free of the artifice of duty, fully committed through love. fjord recognizes this in caduceus and caduceus does in fjord.

i say this is a turning point because, while they don’t really have another super in depth conversation alone together, these two start clocking each other and openly help and look out for each other. there’s an ease and intimacy to the relationship after this. fjord watching caduceus swim near vokodo’s lair, fjord being ready to hand over his armor to caduceus when it looks like his won’t be ready, fjord, caduceus, and beau plotting behind jester’s back to keep her safe from the traveler, the absolute offense fjord takes to eadwulf after he spoke to caduceus like that, fjord levels up in paladin after caduceus tells him he’s proud to know him, all the way to the end of the show when fjord shelters the clerics and tells them to finish lucien, we get little moments like these from both of them. hell, caduceus is the first person in the campaign to tell fjord directly that he loves him.

#cr #critical role #cr meta #fjorclay #wildbros #fjord #caduceus clay #prim did theirs so i'm doing mine #in b4 the wrap-up #just barely #and ran out of steam at the end #i'll expand on that later #gotta finish my vm v m9 meta #and the cockroach party analysis

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primrose-path-of-dalliance · 3 years

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jester began falling in love with caleb in episode 103.

not any earlier in my opinion, and not later, either.

there's two elements to why i believe e103 is the turning point.

(1) the first is caleb's actions and jester's responses to them during the night they all sleep by the waterfall—his support of her idea to sleep underwater, his conversation with her after her commune with artagan, and his casting of programmed illusion in the dome.

(2) the second is the way her behavior toward caleb pivots around e103. before e103 is a noticeably different beast to how she begins to treat him after e103—the attention she pays him, her efforts to hold more standout interactions with him, and a dramatic swell of emotion and thematic meaning in these scenes’ respective subtext.

the rumblecusp arc is the point in which jester’s character growth, and caleb’s efforts to unconditionally support her, really begin to shine. throughout the complex growing pains that jester and artagan's relationship was experiencing, the one person who truly takes a moment to offer her support without any agenda or judgment is caleb.

(e103, 1:22:55, bold mine)

CALEB: You okay over there?

JESTER: (tearful) Yeah, I'm fine. Just—I'm just drawing.

CALEB: Maybe didn't go as well as you were hoping?

JESTER: Um... In some ways it went better. But no.

CALEB: I can't speak for him. But you do have us.

JESTER: I know.

CALEB: So whatever you land on, Jester, we'll make it happen.

JESTER: (shaky laugh) I have to figure out what I want to land on.

CALEB: That is the, uh—sticky wicket, isn't it?

JESTER: Yeah. Everything's confusing.

CALEB: Maybe... Maybe we sleep on it, it'll make more sense in the morning.

JESTER: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Caleb.

CALEB: I didn't do anything.

jester confesses that her commune with artagan didn’t provide the answers she was hoping for—that he knew about the curse on the island—and caleb doesn’t remark on what that seems like. he deliberately avoids speculating on why artagan is doing these things because “he can’t speak for him.” he doesn’t assume anything about what she might choose to do and explicitly leaves that choice up to her. jester vents briefly about how difficult the choice is, and caleb offers her reassurance, a reminder that some time will make things clearer. he doesn’t suggest solutions.

unlike fjord or beau, caleb doesn’t ask her to voice outright whether artagan is being a good friend. he doesn’t continually question his character and imply any personal opinions to her or what he thinks she should do. instead, he asks whether she’s okay. he listens. and he offers unconditional support.

this is consistently the stance caleb takes in the rumblecusp arc. and it’s not discussed much, i think, exactly how monumental that was to jester.

(hold on, this is a long one.)

jester is a young woman who grew up sheltered and wants to define herself outside of that shelter. for her, this campaign has essentially been a coming-of-age journey (talks for e76-77, 14:12). she is deeply sensitive to whether or not she’s respected because she’s aware of how her personality and general lack of experience makes others think she’s naive, immature, or incapable (talks for e79, 31:51).

it’s also incredibly evident that her relationship with artagan is unique. in e105 (1:15:01), jester tells the m9, “he really got me through a lot when i was younger, you know? and he was all i had, really.” he was her best friend from childhood in a home where she spent most of her time hidden in a single room. when she was younger, the few times she left the chateau, she was bullied by other girls (e110, 3:34:59). her best friend, though? her best friend was a god. a god with an incredible sense of humor, an aggrandizing attitude, and adoring respect for a young girl in a difficult situation who had as wonderful a personality as him. in every way that matters, artagan’s friendship undoubtedly saved jester’s life.

and she is so, so aware of this. she cares for him deeply, trusts him unconditionally, and is determined to be there for the one person who had been there for her when no one else was, not even her mother.

the renegotiation of this friendship after artagan revealed his full identity was clearly extraordinarily difficult for jester. she was having to reevaluate her entire relationship with the being that pulled her through a childhood of isolation and misery, question his intentions with her and whether they could even remain friends at all. and this was amidst her arrival at a dangerous island with her other friends to help him clean up his mistakes.

asking her to make a judgment on artagan before she’s ready to do it on her own, while managing some high expectations at the same time—not only is it a lot of pressure, it’s frustrating and painful. jester did not want to judge artagan without giving him his fair due and a proper conversation. knowing that her new friends dislike her old friend, besides being hurt by it, distracted her. she had to both defend him outwardly and interrogate him internally. and if she tried to explain how important artagan is to her, a lot of vulnerability would’ve been necessary when she was trying to be a leader and seem competent and capable, instead of a child who needs patronizing guidance.

this latter point is exceptional. because jester lavorre is so vulnerable when it comes to how much she thinks her loved ones respect her and consider her a valuable, equal, and trustworthy individual. and it’s difficult to feel like you’re being valued and trusted when people are repeatedly questioning you about a person and a relationship that they don’t understand in a way that, despite genuine concern, comes across as them doubting your own judgment of one of the most intimate parts of your life.

in this precise moment in e103, caleb is the only person who acknowledges—to her in person, even—that he doesn't have any place in judging her relationship with artagan. that it’s not what she needs from him or anyone else. that he’s content waiting for her to reach a decision. that he will respect that decision.

and jester can believe him. caleb’s done nothing but remain consistent on this stance. he repeatedly supports her choices to run travelercon, trust artagan, and come to his aid.

when other party members question artagan's legitimacy, caleb is the one who almost always speaks up to support jester (some examples: e61, 30:43 / e77, 49:17 / e95, 1:09:17 and 1:15:24).

he actively and enthusiastically offers his magical talents to her to provide for the event preparations. he has a whole conversation with her in e91 (beginning 1:53:41) where he expresses his immense respect for her and her personality, explicitly validates her faith in artagan, and shows her a tangible example of how he wants to help her during the upcoming travelercon. when she suggests some ideas, despite their arguable silliness, caleb takes them at face value and openly admits his lack of expertise in this area (e91, 1:58:35).

when they first arrive at rumblecusp, he directly reassures jester about the ‘travelercon 3000’ banner she leaves on the wrong beach by mentioning that he can make her a new banner (e101, 48:18). once preparations begin in earnest, caleb expends spells very freely, including ones of higher-level, to produce whatever jester requests.

in e103, he hears out her idea of sleeping underwater and gives it equal consideration in spite of other party members trying to shoot it down. the first time she suggests it (36:23), caduceus comments against it and no other party member acknowledges her except for caleb, who agrees with her quietly while the others move on. the second time jester suggests it (46:08), veth comments against it and caleb steps in to openly agree that it’s a good idea, even after fjord and beau join veth in being dubious.

compare these active, consistent moments of support and validation from caleb to similarly active and consistent examples of the other attitudes that manifest during the rumblecusp arc, in contradiction to people’s apparent claims of trust (one such claim of trust: e95, 1:00:21).

plainly insulting artagan to jester as if it’s a given, such as fjord’s “he’s generally full of shit, right?” (e107, 49:42);

fjord, beau, and caduceus’s conversation about “not ruining jester’s big day,” yet distrusting artagan to the extent of planning to keep her from being alone with him, preparing to attack him should he try to sacrifice 200 people for some speculated unknown ritual and/or hurt jester, and discussing all of this behind jester’s back (e108, beginning 15:41);

caduceus’s said shift to distrust of artagan because of a semi-disturbing conversation that jester was equally a part of (e107, beginning 20:40);

and the discussion right before jester’s commune with artagan where beau questions if artagan sent them to rumblecusp knowing of the memory problems, without regard for their well-being (e103, 29:40).

the unfortunate assumption being made by these party members’ repeated questioning and protectiveness of jester is that she cannot be trusted to have good judgment. despite their familiarity with some of the context of her relationship with artagan (especially after e105), they disregard her repeatedly-expressed support of him. they indirectly disrespect her ability to judge for herself whether someone is dangerous to her or her friends. they don’t acknowledge jester’s own role in creating dubious situations and instead direct all their negative feelings and sense of fault to artagan, minimizing her agency.

the e108 conversation is a dense microcosm of how the party perpetrates these assumptions throughout the rumblecusp arc as a whole. without qualm, they discuss deliberately controlling jester’s time with artagan to ‘protect’ her and their willingness to kill the evil image they’ve constructed of him, and dodge jester directly asking them what they’re talking about—even though it is a known given that the m9 would defend her with their lives with or without any prior discussion. the purpose of holding this conversation isn’t to make sure that jester is safe. like caduceus near-explicitly says, it’s to “feel better knowing” that “anybody else was on board with this” (20:26 and 18:57)—to validate their unacknowledged distrust of jester’s judgment with each other, behind her back.

and as laura has said: jester, with her very high wisdom, tends to know what’s going on even if she acts like she doesn’t (talks for e79, 32:39).

in e103, when jester is crying because she’s found out that artagan did know about the island’s memory problems, caleb doesn’t show any sign of taking this as proof of artagan's ill intent. what he does instead: he offers compassion for her pain with zero judgment. he promises to support her, no matter what she ultimately decides to make of this information. these are offers of safety and trust, ones that jester desperately needed.

then—caleb creates a programmed illusion of the m9’s lives. and it’s beautiful.

in comparison to all the analysis prior, this moment is straightforward. jester is an artist. she paints, draws, and creates, and she loves doing it. moreover, she loves making art for other people. though she doesn’t get many chances to do so, the mural of a flowery meadow that she paints for yasha’s room in the xhorhaus is a perfect example. similarly, she enjoys the art she makes when defacing other people’s property—altered signage or statue of the platinum dragon painted in rainbow—in part because they’re gifts to the traveler. she loves making those she loves happy.

happiness and love to jester is overwhelmingly about emotional intimacy. i’ve talked about this to some degree in a previous post about jester’s jealousy. please refer there for in-depth explanation. in brief, though, she puts value on how deeply she knows a person; how often she’s been able to be there for them. this is the love she learned from her mother and from artagan, and how she continues to love once she’s older.

caleb’s arcane rendition of the m9′s lives floating around the inside of the dome is a display of exactly this kind of love. not only is it art crafted from his magic and imagination and love—it’s blatant evidence of how much he cares for every member of the party and where they’ve come from. he remembers their stories and hangs them in the air in hopes that it’ll help them resist the memory erasing. he moves the memory of yasha and zuala in a meadow over to yasha’s pillow-side so she can watch it until she falls asleep. he creates a memory for vilya of her, her husband, and her daughter, listening to and respecting the emotional gravity of what she’s confiding in them.

only a few minutes after jester’s disappointing commune with artagan and her conversation with caleb, she walks into the dome and sees this art. she laughs and stares in wonder at all the memories (e103, 1:46:08). when beau points out the humorous memories of fjord being attacked by turtles so they can all laugh, she tells caleb with equal awe and joy, “wow. this is amazing, caleb” (e103, 1:47:04).

...of course, as lovely and meaningful as these back-to-back moments were for jester, it's not quite evidence of her starting to fall in love with caleb around this time.

that’s where the following episodes come in.

[id: three screenshots of messages sent in a discord channel by the user “prim” (the op). all are timestamped to friday, august 28, 2020, the day after the live premiere of e107. the first has an additional timestamp of 12:53 PM, the second 1:03 PM, and the third 1:30 PM. they read:

honest to god though i don't know if it's just the shipper brain that is making me think laura is trying to roleplay jester beginning to reciprocate caleb's feelings [...]

like........ the golden dick hunt teasing is definitely on par with jester's past shenanigans, but the compliments have been Catching My Attention bc it's honestly not normal for jester to compliment caleb of her own volition like that, just as a one-on-one "i appreciate you" reassurance

and i'm thinking less about the spells from last night's episode (although how much jester was emphasizing the compliments made me go "awwwww") and more of the moments like jester telling caleb "that was impressive" after getting cad out of the tunnel with beau's help

but laura is absolutely a shipping troll with jester this campaign so i'm here like "I'M MAYBE 80% SURE I'M BEING FUCKED WITH BUT IT MAYBE HOLDS UP????" [...]

basically laura keeps doing things that make the alarm in my brain go off and i don't know if i'm picking up something legit or if i'm projecting my hopes, like the recent pattern of compliments from jester LOL

/end id.]

i’m not going to lie, if i try to list every single receipt like i otherwise prefer to do in these metas, i think we (and especially i) would all lose our minds. so while i’m about to provide a lot of citations, they genuinely are just a few possible examples that will mostly be within the dozen episodes after e103.

the more important detail that can be observed from this is that e103 is a turning point.

prior to e103, jester does not particularly go out of her way to interact with caleb. by and large, most of their direct interactions are either initiated by caleb or prompted by the context of a general party conversation. the majority of other moments that could be referred to as ‘widojest’ are of caleb’s evident feelings. beyond early campaign days, jester rarely teases caleb about sexual topics while insinuating things about her own sexual life at the same time.

after e103, laura and jester begin to go out of their way to interact with and intertwine jester’s time with caleb.

the rate of jester’s compliments and enthusiastic gratitude to caleb skyrocket (some examples: e104, 30:36 / e107, 16:49 and 1:11:28 and 1:12:15 and 3:10:39 / e110, 15:58 and 3:37:24 / e111, 36:15 and 38:41 and 50:58);

several mature jokes/flirtations she makes involve both caleb and herself (examples: e107, 1:16:17 / e110, 1:18:07 / e115, 1:52:53);

she deliberately and specifically engages caleb in full-blown interactions, such as the conversations during the tour of her childhood bedroom (e110, beginning 1:11:38), hanging out with him on the icebreaker ship (e112, beginning 3:45:29), and the reading of der katzenprinz (e115, beginning 1:52:43);

as well as the expansion of more extended ‘conversations’ like their motif of dancing (e108, 13:39 / e109, 2:54:14), their parental relationships (e110, 20:44 and 3:38:41 / e115′s der katzenprinz / e121, beginning 1:52:12), and polymorph shenanigans (examples: e107, beginning 2:58:41 / e117, beginning 1:13:55 / e118, 43:57).

thrown in are additional background details that further tie jester to caleb, such as her determination to recover caleb’s amulet after their defeat of vokodo (e106, 25:33), the knowing comments on his purchasing of paper (e109, 22:32 / e111, 1:25:49), her deliberate choice to ride whaleb during the avantika chase (e113, 2:32:28), her retrieval of caleb’s coat when he’s attempting to remove the necromantic emerald (e115, 1:30:56), and her deliberate reference to der katzenprinz to iver (e120, 3:05:14);

and simply everything about the tower. it’s another example of the art and creativity caleb produces with his magic to make his loved ones happy, which jester acknowledges at least twice (refer to the e111 compliments). contrarily, jester also makes note of the signs that this tower shows less love to caleb than she thinks he deserves, in keeping with her value of emotional intimacy (e115’s der katzenprinz / e122’s floor 8, room 1).

the reading of der katzenprinz in e115 is arguably the pinnacle of these examples. it’s intentionally initiated by jester. she both takes the step to visit caleb's room and indirectly requests him to read the story to her. laura’s implication that she remembered this subplot because of beau’s reading of a very romantic letter from yasha is particularly suggestive. the story itself incorporates many similar characters and themes that are present in jester’s backstory: the lonely, sheltered boy and his single working mom as jester and marion; the dubious cat prince who ultimately gives the boy freedom and confidence as artagan; and the deep love between the boy and his mother because of how they only have each other, which compels a powerful being to have compassion and thus set the boy free so that they can be together. very similar to both jester’s depth of relationship with her mother and her pleas on artagan’s behalf to the moonweaver’s celestial servant.

and the post-story conversation—caleb’s confiding of its importance to him because of his mother. jester’s open willingness to compare the cat prince to artagan, knowing that caleb respects their friendship and has treated artagan fairly. jester’s lingering, repeated looks toward caleb while smiling and holding her copy of der katzenprinz to her heart.

with all this dramatic expansion of the emotional and thematic intimacy between jester and caleb beginning to roll down the hill after e103—in brilliant contrast to their more muted, less reciprocal dynamic before this episode—e103 is more than likely the turning point of jester’s feelings. and based on the events and context, it was caused by the combined emotional appeal of caleb’s offer of unconditional support and his display of love for his family in the programmed illusion of memories.

#cr #critical role #cr meta #widojest #jester lavorre #caleb widogast #by popular demand #inb4 the wrap-up #prim post #prim says some things #readmore #long post

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fanficimagery · 3 years

Text

They’re So Not Holograms.

Imagine being expelled from school so your uncle Ray offers to take you in and offers you a chance to start over. You accept and you're in for one heck of a story when you realize you're not the only occupant of the Molina garage.

Words: 10K Warnings: This is my first work for JatP, so I apologize in advance for the OOCness of them all. I had no idea what was going to make the final edit, so yeah.. this is not my best work. Be warned that there's mention of an incident that involves a straight guy not taking no for an answer from a lesbian girl. I won't go into detail of that particular scene since it happened before Y/N shows up on the Molina's front doorstep, but it is mentioned which is why I'm warning you now.

Staring up at the large two story home you usually visit every summer and every spring break, you can't help but sigh and wish you were visiting rather than moving in. You love your uncle and your cousins, but you were forced to leave a lot behind in order for your parents to keep their jobs and their mostly in-tact reputations after your little incident.

The front door opens, the shortest and youngest of the bunch jogging straight for you. You drop your duffel bag and prep yourself for Carlos throwing his weight at you, and you catch him with a laugh as you spin from the momentum. "Carlos! Dang, little man, you're growing fast." Julie walks up soon after, shaking her head in amusement at the two of you as you settle her little brother back on the ground and then ruffle his hair. He swats at your hand before you give Julie your attention then. "Hey, superstar. How's it hanging?"

"Hey, Y/N," she muses, "was the drive okay?"

"Eh. I angry karaoke'd all the way here." You shrug. "So where's uncle Ray?"

"Upstairs trying to figure out how to divide Julie's room for the two of you," Carlos says.

Your smile falls and you look at Julie. "What? He's making us share?"

"Yeah. It's totally fine though," she says when she notices your expression.

"No way, Jules! I can't put you out like that. That's not fair."

"It's fine, Y/N. Really."

"Julie, we're both teenage girls. I love you, but you know our hormones will eventually make us clash."

"And on that note, I'm going back inside."

You grin at Carlos' hasty escape, but then quickly refocus on the situation at hand. "God Jules, I'm so sorry. I thought uncle Ray would put me in the spare room or on the living room couch or something."

"Well the spare room was originally the plan," she says, "but then we remembered all of mom's stuff was in there." You cringe, but she assures you it's okay. "And you're going to be here for a while. You are not sleeping on the couch."

You sigh and offer her a faint smile. "I'm sorry to be an even bigger pain in the butt, but I'm not staying in your room either."

"It's either my room or Carlos' room. I suggest you choose wisely, cousin."

"I-"

"Y/N!" Your uncle Ray suddenly appears in the doorway, walking down the sidewalk towards you. "Carlos told me you had gotten in. How are you doing, mija?" He wraps you in a brief hug, kissing your forehead in greeting.

"Hey, uncle Ray. I'm doing good. How are you?"

"I'd be better if I knew where you were gonna sleep." He sighs. "Carlos also told me we have a bedroom dilemma as you refuse to share with Julie."

"I'm really sorry." You frown. "If I were only staying here for a few weeks, I'd be stoked to share with Julie. But it's not a couple of weeks, uncle Ray."

"I know and I'm sorry for trying to shove two teenage girls into one space." You smile sheepishly at him as he seems to understand your reasoning as well. "But the only other space I can think of is the studio garage out back." You seem to perk up a bit, attention solely focused on your uncle that you don't notice Julie's eyes widening. "Julie uses it to practice with her band, but there's a loft that we've recently cleaned out. There's a bathroom in there already, so all I'd need to do is drag a mattress up there. That is if you don't mind all the musical racket."

"Y-yeah. Of course! I don't mind at all." You say, feeling just an ounce of excitement of having your own space.

"What? No," Julie laughs nervously. "I'm sure Y/N doesn't want to live in our garage all on her own. Right?"

"What? Are you kidding me?" You huff. "It'd be like having my own mini apartment, only my favorite cousin in the entire world gets to visit everyday!"

Julie looks like she wants to object some more, which is surprising, but she eventually slumps and shakes her head. "Okay. Just as long as you're sure."

"Of course I'm sure."

"Then I'll go move stuff around. Give me your duffel bag," she holds her hand out for you to pick up your bag and hand it over, "and I'll take it out back. You go inside and help dad bring the mattress out."

"Sounds like a plan." Feeling better about your situation now, you quickly hand your cousin your duffel bag and then follow after your uncle Ray inside their home.

Julie sighs, shaking her head in amusement as she catches the pep in Y/N's step. As soon as the front door is shut, she quickly runs around the house, down the stone steps, and into the studio garage where the boys are chilling. They, however, jump up to their feet upon seeing Julie's hasty entrance.

"Okay so we have a problem."

"What? What is it? Did your not dad not take the ghost secret well?" Reggie asks, whining. "Aw man. I knew we should have waited. Does he hate us now? He hates me. Right?"

Julie's eyes, having widened at Reggie's rapid fire questions, blink owlishly at him. "One, slow down. And two, no I haven't told my dad. I can't seem to find the right time."

"Okay then," Luke drawls. "So what's the problem?"

"My cousin got expelled from her school so my dad offered to let her move in and she's going to be living in the loft. In here. With you guys."

Alex slowly leans atop the piano, clearly intrigued. "Whoa. What'd she do?"

Julie opens her mouth to answer, but then closes it and settles for a shrug. "I'm not sure. Dad wouldn't tell us when we asked. He just said there was an incident and if Y/N didn't move in with us, then her parents would have to relocate and she already had a rocky relationship with them so.." she says, smiling fondly. "She's better suited for our family anyway. She's more like a sister to me than a cousin."

Reggie raises his hand as if he needs to, to ask a simple question. "Is this cousin of yours hot?" Alex is immediate to reach over and smack his friend. "Ow! What?" He wonders as he rubs his arm. "I'm just asking what me and Luke are thinking."

"Hey, bro, do not bring me into this!" Luke quickly defends himself. He then glances at Julie, lips stretching into a small smile. "You gonna tell her about us?"

"I'm going to have to, aren't I? I can't exactly leave her in the dark while you three are lurking about. I don't want her to do something she doesn't want anyone else to see."

Reggie nods, smiling. "Like getting naked."

Alex moves to hit his friend again, but then realizes Reggie is right. If he were in Julie's cousin's shoes, he wouldn't want to strip while three ghosts watched on unknowingly. Instead he sighs and Julie nods in agreement. "Exactly. I'm going to tell her. I just- I'm not sure when. So until I do, you three need to be on your best behavior."

"Jules," Luke feigns being hurt as he clutches at his chest, "it's us you're talking about. When have we ever misbehaved?" Julie huffs, crosses her arms over her chest, and raises an eyebrow at Luke. His façade cracks as he laughs. "Fine. We'll be on our best behavior until you tell her about her roommates."

"Thank you." She rolls her eyes, but before she can say any more Carlos is jogging into the room.

"Okay so Y/N and dad are almost here. Tell your ghostly dude-bros to chillax and not scare her like Reggie did tía Victoria."

Reggie squawks. "You scare an adult one time and he never lets you forget it."

Julie chuckles at her ghostly friend while her brother glances around in hopes of seeing them. Ever since Julie freed them from Caleb Covington's curse and was able to finally touch them, they had the choice of turning visible whenever they felt like it. But for some reason, they were more comfortable as ghosts and only turned solid when they got the desire to eat food.

The garage door suddenly opens wide and Ray walks in, one end of the mattress settled on the back of his neck. Y/N is on the other end, struggling slightly with the mattress in her hands.

"I am not meant for physical activity."

Carlos giggles at his cousin's words, jogging over to help her. But when they get to the steep stairs, both Y/N and Carlos leave it up to Ray to figure out how he's going to get the mattress up into the loft. He does, eventually, and then Ray drags Carlos back towards the house with him to retrieve sheets, pillows, and a blanket.

"Oh my god. She is cute!" Reggie muses.

Alex chuckles, but Luke is caught staring at Y/N with awe etched into his features. Alex nudges Reggie and gestures to their friend, and Julie tries her best to fight off a grin. Oh to be able to tease him right about now on having a crush on Y/N as he did to her with Nick that one time while she was in school.

"Listen," Y/N says as she nears Julie. "I know this was tía Rose's place and I know how much it means to you." Julie smiles sadly as Y/N starts to walk around, eyeing the piano, drums, bass, and guitar appreciatively. The boys make sure to stay out of her way as they watch her every move. "I promise to keep my place nice and tidy, and to not mess with anything down here." She goes to touch the drum set, but thinks better of it and pulls her hand back as she smiles sheepishly.

Alex is quick to point it out. "I like her! She knows boundaries."

"Just say the word and I'll be out of your way when you're here with the band."

"It's no problem. Really," Julie assures you. "I, uh, I already called the boys to let them know. They're excited to meet you."

You pause and meet your cousin's eyes. "Really? I-I mean cool."

Julie's eyes narrow at your reaction and the way you can't seem to meet her eyes. "You think they're cute, don't you?"

You cave with a relieved sigh of her automatically knowing. "So cute." Alex rolls his eyes with an amused smile as Reggie and Luke high five, chuckling at their good fortune. "But boundaries! They are your bandmates and I won't interfere other than offering my friendship. Heck I won't even let it be known that I find them cute."

Julie chuckles, angling her head down as she tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "It's a little too late for that."

"Hmm? What did you say?"

Her head snaps up. "Nothing! Nothing," her chuckles now sound a little nervous. "So, uh, is there anything else we need to get from your car?"

"Oh yeah! I have some stuff that needs to come in." As Julie joins her cousin's side, Y/N asks, "Is there any place I can set up my laptop and printer?"

"Of course. Come on. Let's get you set up. I'm sure you're ready to get some sleep."

"So ready," you groan. "I don't have much to unpack, but I want to settle in before I start school on Monday."

As the two girl cousins walk out of the studio, the three ghostly boys watch them leave.

"Oh yeah. She's definitely hot."

"Hey. Come on, dude." Luke softly swats at Reggie. "That's Julie's cousin you're talking about."

"What? I'm just stating facts," Reggie says. "And besides it's you we should be worried about." He steps towards Luke, reaching for his face. "I think I still see a bit of drool. You might wanna wipe that off."

Alex laughs as Luke rolls his eyes. "Whatever. We're ghosts anyway. It's not like anything can happen between us."

"Can't it?" Alex muses, shoving his hands deep into his front pockets. "I mean we can turn solid now. If you want something to happen, it can definitely happen." Reggie smirks as Luke takes a moment to process his friend's words. "And while you think on that, I'm gonna go see what Willie's up to. See you later!"

Alex poofs out of the room, leaving Reggie and Luke. Reggie laughs at his friend's sudden ghostly crisis, stepping closer to him and clasping his shoulder in hand. "Dude, we're ghosts. If something happens, it happens. Just don't get attached." And with that, Reggie poofs out too.

Luke hears Julie and her cousin's laughter ring out, the two girls already coming back. His eyes widen and he poofs out as well. The girl was cute, he will admit that, but he needed to get his head on straight before he became a pining ghost.

You spend the weekend with Julie, surprising her best friend Flynn with your new living situation and then driving them around since neither of them had their driving permit. The girls had kept you busy at the beach and showing you their favorite food places. Sometimes you would catch your cousin mumbling to thin air, but Flynn was quick to distract you and you ended up forgetting Julie's weird behavior minutes later.

Monday morning rolls around and, after taking your time to get ready, you grab your backpack and exit the studio to head inside the house. Uncle Ray has cooked up a breakfast feast, and Julie and Carlos are just coming down the stairs as you're taking a seat at the table.

You smile through a yawn as a plate is placed in front of you. "Whoa. That was a big one," uncle Ray says. "Did you sleep well?"

"Sorry. And yeah," you say. "I love it out there, although it is a bit colder than I expected."

Julie freezes as Carlos snorts. "Sorry about that. It's just our resident ghosts. Ow!"

You frown as he glares at his sister, said sister laughing nervously as she glances between you and Carlos. "Don't listen to him. Ghosts? Pft. What ghosts?"

Ray chuckles as Carlos rolls his eyes, the young boy digging into his eggs and sausage as Julie quickly casts him a brief glare.

You glance between the siblings suspiciously, but don't give it much thought and start in on your own breakfast. "Well if you need a portable heater, we can get you one."

Carlos opens his mouth to retort, but upon seeing his sister's stare he thinks better about it. You fight off a smile, shaking your head at your uncle. "It's fine. I usually kick my blanket off in the middle of the night which is why I get cold when a gust of cool air hits me. I just need to learn not to kick off the blankets. I'll be fine."

"Alright. Well eat up, guys. I need to head into the office as soon as I drop you off."

Carlos nods, but you and Julie frown at him. She looks at you and you look at her, and then you look at your uncle. "Um, uncle Ray, did you forget I drive? I can take Carlos with Julie and I. We were going to pick up Flynn as well."

"Huh. I forgot you drove." You grin up at him. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. From what I saw, Carlos' school campus is on our way to the high school. It'll be fine."

Uncle Ray seems to sag with relief. "Thanks so much, mija. I can actually head in early today then." Carlos cheers about riding with his cousin instead of being dropped off by his dad. "Well if you're all set, I'll see you guys after school. We'll go out for burgers tonight."

This time it's your turn to cheer. "Yes!"

- - - - - - - - - -

The first day of school went about as expected. Everyone was drawn to you as the new girl and Flynn thrived under the attention, but you mostly kept to yourself unless Julie introduced you to someone. You met Nick and thought he was okay, and then hid your amusement when Flynn would tease Julie about him breaking up with his girlfriend Carrie for her.

Of course not everyone was a fan of your cousin and you met the one person who seemed to dislike her the most. You knew Carrie from previous summers, but she and Julie had a falling out and no one would mention why. Not even Flynn. So figuring it was none of your business, you let it go but ended up staring Carrie down when she tried to intimidate you. Needless to say, the junior had nothing on you and didn't seem keen to start anything with a senior after your feathers didn't ruffle as easily as she thought.

Julie had more homework than you, so while she focused inside the house at the kitchen table, you went to the studio and up into your loft. The second you plop down onto the bed, a cold gust of wind sweeps up your back. You shiver, frowning, but then move on with a shake of your head.

From your backpack you pull out your Algebra II and History textbooks. You immediately start working on history, reading the assigned passages and answering the questions that follow. It takes you half an hour to complete it and before you move on to Math you reach over and grab your laptop from the bedside table. However when you open it up, your laptop automatically comes to life and you're left frowning at the YouTube page it's been left on.

"What the.. this is weird," you mumble. You briefly glance at the top Rock songs from the last decade before exiting out of YouTube and bringing up iTunes, choosing your Math Blows playlist and closing your eyes in brief bliss as Queen starts to play.

But the moment Bohemian Rhapsody ends and Aerosmith's Dude (Looks Like a Lady) begins, you get started on Math. It takes you a little bit longer to complete the assignment than History took you, but by the time you're done Julie has yet to find you. So after putting everything back into your backpack and setting it aside, you roll across your bed and reach into a hard plastic tote that holds some of your belongings. You pull out your drawing tablet and a stack of stickers, and then head on downstairs to the couch.

Drawing caricatures was a hobby of yours and you just so happened to have a friend who would take your edits and turn them into stickers. For now you have about five stickers of each member of your cousin's band- caricature style- and the name of whatever instrument they played curved underneath their faces. Lately you've been working on a sticker that said 'Julie and the Phantoms', but you couldn't get the font or coloring quite right.

You've just settled on coloring Julie's name in a purple that transitions into blue from one end to the other when said girl walks in, sodas in hand. "Finally," she sighs. "I didn't think I'd ever finish that homework. What are you doing?" She then asks as she hands over a Coke.

"I'm just messing around," you tell her as you show her what's on the tablet. "There's a small stack of stickers for you and the boys right there."

Julie glances at the table where you've gestured to and she walks over to pick up the stickers. She sets her soda down and skims through each sticker, a smile blossoming. "Did you- did you make these?"

You shrug. "I drew them, but my friend printed them. As soon as I finish this one I'm working on right now, I'm gonna email it to him so he'll make them into stickers as well."

Your cousin is so in awe that she's not paying you any attention, but you catch her murmuring beneath her breath and nodding along as if she were agreeing with something being said. She eventually looks up, chuckling. "These are sick. The boys are going to love them."

You smile. "I hope so. If you want more, just let me know. They're pretty cheap to make so I don't mind getting them for you guys."

"Can I- can I make a suggestion to the one you're working on now?"

"Oh. Yeah! Of course. What'd you have in mind?"

"Under the band name or wherever you think is good, can you add the words 'tell your friends!'?" She asks. "It's just something silly Reggie says every time the band is introduced."

"Yeah." You glance down at the tablet, trying to figure out the best placement. But then you look up, brow furrowed in thought. "Is this something only Reggie says?"

"Uh yeah. I guess so," she says, shaking her head at something off to her side.

You grin. "I have an idea. Let me try something out and see if you like it. Give me like ten minutes."

Julie sets the stickers back down, picking up her soda and cracking it open. You crack open yours as well, taking a sip before getting down to work. You make the sticker you originally had a little bit smaller, adding in a caricature of a waving Reggie from the waist up peeking out from behind the font. You add a speech bubble, filling it in with the requested 'Tell your friends!'.

When Julie sees it she can't help but laugh. "That's perfect. I'm sure he's gonna be stoked."

"Speaking of, when do I get to meet these hot friends of yours?"

Julie groans and you laugh as you finish coloring and resizing the sticker before sending it off to your friend to print. Closing your tablet, you give her your full attention as she's now sitting next to you on the couch. "Soon," she promises.

"Alright. So what are we doing until your dad gets home? You gonna sing for me, Jules? Give me my own private concert?"

She laughs. "No way. Just watch the Youtube videos. I'm sure Carlos posted every performance."

"Oh he did. And believe me when I say I've watched them. Repeatedly. That guitarist of yours has got some arms that are just- mmm." Julie groans some more, hiding her face in a pillow, and you laugh. "What? I need to get it out of my system before I meet them."

Julie lets the pillow fall into her lap, a smile turning up the corners of her mouth. "All I'm gonna say is don't be surprised if they know what you've said. They kind of have a sixth sense about these things."

"It's all good." You laugh some more.

You go to ask her if she wants to torment her little brother with you, but you see her amusement slowly die and you keep yourself from saying anything. "Hey Y/N, can I ask you something? You totally don't have to answer, but I'm really curious about it."

"Oh. Uh, sure."

"What happened at your old school that ended with you being expelled?"

Your smile falls. "Uncle Ray didn't tell you?"

"Not really. He just said there was a disagreement and a.. protest?"

You snort. It takes you a moment to collect your thoughts, but when you do you end up telling her exactly what happened. "I had this friend back at my old school. She's gay, but only those close to her knew. What it boiled down to was that some asshole found out and outed her to our entire school. Then this boy took things too far by, in his words, giving her what she was missing out on and trying to turn her straight." You roll your eyes, not noticing Julie smiling sympathetically off to the side. "He shoved his tongue down her throat, she tried to push him off of her, but he wouldn't budge. So I beat the shit out of him."

Julie chokes on her own saliva. "W-what?" And then she laughs.

"Well I hit him across the back of the head with one of those hard plastic lunch trays. And then when that broke I used the heaviest textbook I could get my hands on and hit him a few more times."

"Oh my god," she grins. "You're such a badass."

You laugh at your cousin's look of awe. "There was like a week of back and forth between the school and that douchebag's parents, and it made everyone at school show their true colors. I was disgusted that the guy practically got off with a slap on the wrist for assaulting my friend, so I contacted a few friends to make some signs for a mini-protest in front of the school and it kind of got out of control. A few friends turned into thirty and I think there were even a few drag queens in there. They had signs and Pride flags and it- it got pretty scary for a second when a fight almost broke out."

"I repeat," Julie smirks, "you're a badass."

"I was expelled because my protest drew in adult strangers to where many minor children attend school, but the expulsion wouldn't have mattered anyway because I had a restraining order slapped against me by that douchebag's parents and would have had to leave anyway."

"Screw them," Julie says. "That's so messed up."

"It is, but it worked out in my favor. I got out of my parents house and now get to spend the rest of my last year of high school with you."

"And your 18th birthday. You can't forget that," she muses. "It's only a few months away."

Your nose wrinkles. "No parties."

"But it's New Year's! Of course we're having a party," she gushes. "Your birthday is a rare one. Instead of blowing out a candle at midnight, you get to make out with someone."

Laughing, you reach over to nudge her. "You're something else, Jules. I don't know how you have your dad fooled about being so sweet and innocent." She giggles, batting her eyelashes at you. "Now come on. Lets go torment Carlos. It's been about a year since I've sat on him and made him listen to Barbie Girl on a loop."

You stand up, Julie laughing as you offer her a hand and pull her up off the couch.

By the end of your first week with the Molinas, you've settled into a routine that you're comfortable with. You had noticed Julie got a little squirrely whenever you mentioned the boys, so you dropped the subject of meeting them and figured it'd happen when the timing was right. Julie's tía Victoria was happy to have you around the family, she noticing a lightness around the house that she hadn't seen since her sister had passed.

Life with your cousins was going spectacularly well, so of course there had to be a bump in the road. And a major one at that.

You're sleeping when cold air suddenly seeps into your back, making you shiver and wake up briefly. You find your blanket and pull up over your shoulders, turning around in the process and.. rolling into something- er, someone solid. You're fully awake now.

"Ahh!" You scream.

The figure in bed with you jolts, screaming as well. "Ahh!"

"Who the hell are you?!" You move to punch at them, only for them to disappear right before your very eyes. You freeze as your heart drops into your stomach, your eyes blowing wide when he reappears at the foot of your bed. "What the- how did-"

Another figure pops in, grabbing the first by his ear. "Dude, not cool!"

Your sudden fear has you frozen and only capable of glancing between the two figures. Semi-slicked hair, leather jacket, flannel wrapped around his waist.. "R-Reggie?" You wonder aloud in confusion.

Both boys glance at you, the shaggy hair and killer arms in a cut off tee letting you know exactly who he was. You hold your blanket tighter to you, heart thumping wildly. Reggie grimaces in pain as he finally pulls free from Luke's hold. "Hiya. Sorry about waking you and all that. I totally should have asked before taking up the other side of your bed."

Luke shakes his head. "When Jules finds out she's going to kick your butt, man. We were supposed to ease her into the whole ghost business."

"G-ghost?"

Another figure pops in, the blonde sighing and shaking his head in disappointment at his friends. Alex. "I woke Julie. She'll be down here soon." Then he glances at you, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry about all this. Reggie and Luke are idiots."

"Can you blame me?" Reggie whines. "Y/N's bed is really comfortable. And I actually thought she'd just roll through me. I didn't know I'd gone solid. It was unintentional."

"Um," you gulp. "H-how would you know my bed was comfortable?" Reggie freezes and then suddenly looks very interested in the ceiling, and your eyes narrow at him. You sit up a little straighter, staring at Luke, but he too averts his gaze when he notices you're staring at him.

Alex is the only one amused and he meets your gaze with a smile. "These two idiots like to nap in your bed when you're in school."

"WHAT!?" The two guilty ghosts poof out, making you flinch as you suddenly remember they're not exactly normal boys.

"I told them it was going to bite them in the butts. I guess they hadn't counted on it being so soon." You blink owlishly at him, unsure of what to say now. After all, HE'S A GHOST! Alex notices your stare and sighs. "Well if you'd like to get dressed or whatever, Julie should be here any second now. We'll explain things then."

Alex poofs out and you're left staring at nothing but air. Your heart is still wildly thumping and there are only three words running through your mind: what.. the.. fuck.

After what seems like several long minutes, but really it was only about a minute after the boys had left you alone, the studio door opens and a frantic Julie rushes in. At the sound of her panicked voice, you throw off your blanket and scramble down the stairs.

Julie stares at you in shock, still in her own pajamas, before her gaze falls towards your legs and then back up to your own gaze. "Uh, Y/N? You forgetting something?" You glance down, frowning and wondering what she's talking about. "Pants, loser. You forgot pants."

"Yeah? And you forgot to tell me that ghosts are real!" She sighs as you stare her down, but then you subtly glance around for a pair of pants or shorts or something. Black sweats hit your shoulder and you meet Alex's sheepish gaze. Hesitantly smiling at him, you quickly step into them and drag them up your legs. "If they've been in here this whole time it's nothing they haven't seen before."

Reggie giggles and Alex shakes his head at friend. Luke, however, can't seem to look in your direction and there's a telltale flush on his cheeks. Huh, that's odd.

"I'm really sorry," Julie says. "I was going to tell you, but it was never the right time."

"Jules, the right time would have been when uncle Ray gave me permission to sleep out here."

She frowns guiltily at you and you know you're not really upset with her. The adrenaline of bumping into someone in your bed was still rushing through your veins which is why you seem a bit cranky. "If it'll help we can explain everything now?"

"Might as well," you sigh. "I don't think I'll be able to fall back asleep." You shuffle over towards the couch, eyeing each boy on the way. Sitting down, you drag a pillow into your lap and hug it. "So.. what the hell is going on?"

Your cousin and the boys glance at one another, Reggie and Luke subtly shaking their heads. Alex rolls his eyes and steps forward to stand with Julie. It looked like they were going to be the ones to explain.

"Okay, so," Alex says. "Luke, Reggie, and I died twenty five years ago."

Immediately your hand raises and Alex falls silent. "Quick question. If you guys are supposedly ghosts, then why was I able to actually feel Reggie?"

"That part comes in later. Just please listen," Julie pleads.

You nod, gesturing for them to continue then. Alex flashes you a small smile. "So we died-"

"Death by hotdog," Reggie sadly muses.

Luke nods along. "I'll never look at another hotdog the same way again."

You can't help but snort, especially when Alex and Julie roll their eyes at the interruption. "Anyway, as I was saying," Alex says, raising his voice a little higher, "we died. We ended up in this dark room for what felt like an hour and then got spit out here in Julie's garage when she played one of our demo CD's."

"Only it wasn't an hour later," Julie says next. "It was twenty five years later." You shake your head in utter amazement. "At first I was the only one able to see them. Then when I had a performance at school and the boys performed behind me in solidarity, they could- they could be seen! The entire school could see them, but then as soon as the performance was over they poofed out."

"Hence the phantom part of the band name," you mumble.

"We let everyone believe we're holograms," Alex says. "Anyway, we used to be a band of four before we died. Sunset Curve. The only one to survive went on and skyrocketed to fame with songs that Luke wrote."

"He didn't!?" Your eyes widen. You glance at Luke to see him frowning. "What a dick thing to do."

The boys all snort, but a moment later Alex continues to tell their story. "We were pissed and ended up being introduced to this ghost who was supposed to help us get revenge on our ex-band mate. Only this ghost was old and powerful and wanted us to join his ghostly club house band."

"And when he noticed we weren't going to join him, he stamped us with a curse," Luke finally speaks up. "The longer we were away from his club, we got hit with these painful jolts. They started to become more frequent and would have eventually destroyed our souls."

"But our girl Julie," Reggie muses, "cried her big heart out and, we're not sure exactly how, was able to touch us. Her touch made us feel stronger, warmer, and it disappeared the stamps off our wrists."

"And now I have three ghostly brothers who can go corporeal whenever they feel like it," Julie says as she hooks her arm through Alex's. You grin at her. "I really am sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

You wave her off. "At least the truth came out before I was in a rush to go somewhere and whipped off my shirt. I'd have hated to traumatize the boys."

"Oh please traumatize me." The words are mumbled, but still heard by everyone. Every gaze darts to, surprisingly, Luke and his eyes widen as cheeks redden. "Did I- did I say that out loud?"

Reggie snorts. "You did."

"Well I- I didn't mean-" Luke rubs at the back of his neck, falling silent and then poofing out.

The second Luke is gone, everyone bursts into laughter. You laugh so much that tears gather in the corner of your eyes and Julie is hanging off of Alex's arm. Reggie is the first to recover and mentions going to check on his boy, and then it was just Alex with you and Julie.

You eventually stand up, intent on doing something now that you've had this big secret dropped into your lap, when Alex takes a step in your direction. He pauses and you quirk an eyebrow at him. "Can I just say thanks for being so cool about this? I mean you could have ran inside the house and alerted everyone like Julie first did-"

"Hey! Not cool." Said girl pouts, swatting Alex with the back of her hand.

"-but you didn't. Sure you freaked, but I would too if I woke up next to Reggie."

You chuckle softly. "You guys are just lucky I hate physical activity and loathe running." Alex grins at you. "Plus I guess your secret is pretty cool. I'm okay living with ghosts so long as no ghosts occupy my bed while I'm still in it."

"Noted. I'll be sure to let the boys know."

"Thanks." As soon as Alex poofs out, your chill façade drops. "Oh my god, Julie!" You hiss. "They're ghosts!"

Her smile falters. "Uh, yeah."

"They're ghosts who heard me talking about how cute they were and about Luke's arms!"

"Oh yeah." She chuckles. "Well if it's any consolation, Luke is clearly into you. He totally wants you to traumatize him with your boobs."

"It's not funny!"

She fights to contain her amusement. "It kind of is."

"Ugh. Julie," you groan. "This is so embarrassing."

"Relax. They'll probably poke fun for a few days before letting it slide. Just give them a chance, Y/N. They're really cool guys."

"God I hope you're right."

Now that the secret is out, the boys are corporeal more often than not inside the studio. Reggie and Luke take pleasure in teasing you, the two of them bringing up stuff you said about them when they were invisible or drawing attention to Luke's arms or Luke somehow suddenly needing to change to his shirt while in your presence. You made promises to get him back- to which Alex couldn't wait for to see what you came up with- but you've yet to fulfill that promise because there were more pressing matters at hand.

You're more than okay with keeping their secret, but it's only a matter of time before uncle Ray catches them. They like interacting with you, Flynn, and Carlos so they're visible quite a lot, but anytime uncle Ray nears it's a race to clean up any evidence of their presence and then poof out. You manage to convince Julie to tell her dad with promises that you'd be by her side the entire time, so she does. It had seemed uncle Ray was moments away from asking if she needed to see her therapist again when Reggie poofed in, followed by the other two boys who slapped him upside the head for doing so. Needless to say, Ray was shocked to his core but accepted the boys after seeing them interact with his two children and yourself. However, it was agreed by all that tía Victoria could not know the secret.

One day you had gone shopping for a couple new outfits with the girls and figured it was now or never to get Luke back. Sure they had seen you in an overly large shirt and boy short underwear, but they'd never seen you in proper lingerie. And when Flynn and Julie had caught on, they helped you choose the most daring piece of underwear to stun the ghost boy from the 90's.

When you get back to the studio, Julie pokes her head in first since she was the only one capable of seeing them when they were invisible. "Alex, where's Luke and Reggie?"

"They mentioned going down to the beach. Why?"

You and Flynn stumble in then, giggling. "It's payback time, my favorite ghostie. Your boy is not gonna know what hit him."

Alex's eyes light up. "Yes. What did you have in mind?"

"Two words," Flynn says. "Victoria's Secret."

"Oh no. You're gonna kill him all over again."

You mockingly glare at him. "He caught me ogling his v-line, Alex! He deserves to see exactly what I'm working with and not be able to touch."

He grins. "Can I see what you chose?"

"Duh. I need you to choose which set is going to make him lose his mind."

Walking over towards Alex, you set the bags down and sit on the couch beside him. Julie and Flynn sit on the armrests, eagerly waiting for you to dig out your purchases. And when you do, Alex's eyes widen before he bursts into laughter.

There are three identical sets of bras, panties, and garter belts in the colors of black, navy blue, and emerald green. You giggle as Alex takes choosing seriously, he picking up an article in each color and holding it to your arm. He hums in thought.

"In my opinion the blue suits your skin tone best, but I'd still go with the green."

You take it, carefully cutting tags off. "And this is why I love you. You're the best."

"Mhm. So how do you plan to have him see you in this?"

"I actually have an interview with the people uncle Ray works with in two days. I might not be able to take pictures, but I am good with all the technology stuff," you say. "I can pretend the straps to the belt are aggravating me and walk out to ask for your help."

Alex giggles. "You're evil."

"He started it." You shrug. "And besides, lingerie is such a confidence booster. You guys have no idea," you chuckle.

And then two days later you finally put your plan into motion. Flynn was bummed she couldn't be there, but Julie managed to be in the studio for your surprise after having pulled Luke into an impromptu writing session. Reggie, after having been given permission to use your laptop whenever he wanted, was watching Youtube videos, and Alex was flipping through a magazine not too far from his friend where he constantly glanced at the bathroom door rather anxiously.

Not too long after you enter the bathroom in a rush, you having screeched about being behind schedule for your meeting on the way in there, you start making a racket and cursing just loud enough to be heard outside the door. Outside, Alex does his best to fight off a grin.

Inside the bathroom, you've slipped into the emerald green lingerie, black garter belt, and black stockings. Both bra and panties are lace, giving the illusion of being sheer, but your important bits are still covered which is why you're more than okay walking out in this particular set. You spritz some body spray over your cleavage and abdomen, grinning when you see yourself sparkling as you move, and then quickly clip your garter belt to the tops of your stockings. However, for the clips in the back, you purposely twist the straps when you clip them on.

You curse some more to make everyone outside believe you're having some sort of problem, groaning for good measure, and then crack open the bathroom door to stick your head out. "Hey Jules, can you give me a hand?" You ask, already knowing what she's going to say.

"Mmm," she mumbles distractedly, writing in her notebook.

Luke glances between you and Julie, Reggie has clearly paused his video to see what's going on, and Alex takes his cue. "I can help," he calls out as he tosses his magazine aside. "What do you need?"

You frown at your cousin when she purposely doesn't look at you before looking at Alex, inhaling deeply before you straighten up and open the door wider. Given his position, Reggie is the first to take notice of your outfit and whimpers. Audibly. Julie and Luke look up then, Julie hiding her smile and Luke's eyes widening as his jaw drops open in shock.

"I'll do it! I can help you," Reggie blurts, cheeks red. He gulps. "What exactly is it you need help with?"

Walking towards Alex, you mockingly glare at Reggie and then ruffle his hair on your way to his blonde friend. You stop in front of him, turning around and then glancing over your shoulder at him. "The garter belt," you say. "I keep getting the straps twisted."

"On it." You see a smile threatening to break free as he immediately takes hold of the clasps and rights the wrong, and you turn around so you don't lose it yourself.

Only when you face forward, you can't help but snort at Reggie's awestruck expression and the fact that Luke is faring no better. But Luke is the one who seems to know almost immediately what you're playing at and his eyes narrow when his gaze finally meets your own. However, before he can call you out on your act, there's a distinct snap!, a brief stinging pain on the back of your thigh, and you whirl around on Alex.

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry," he laughs, immediately sitting back and out of range of your swatting swing. "I couldn't help myself."

You shake your head in amusement before making sure the strap isn't twisted anymore and then make your way back towards the bathroom. It's oddly quiet as you finish getting dressed behind the bathroom door, and then exit in a cream-colored blouse tucked inside a black pencil skirt. Julie wolf whistles when you exit and you wrinkle your nose at her as you head towards your heels to slip your feet into.

Once your heels are on and you run your fingers through your hair to give it a very stylish, mussed look, you can't help but meet Luke's gaze. When you notice his slackened expression, you wink and finally allow yourself to laugh.

Red rushes to his cheeks as he narrows his eyes at you. "You're the devil."

"And don't you forget it," you immediately retort. "Keep it up, Patterson. I won't play fair and I promise my next look will drive you to take a cold shower." Alex finally loses the battle with his laughter, as does Julie, and Luke frowns at you. "Now that I've pranced around half naked, it's time I get to my interview. Wish me luck?"

"Luck!" Julie immediately shouts. As soon as Y/N disappears, there's a telltale beep and Julie lowers her phone. She glances between Luke and Reggie, shaking her head and chuckling. "God you straight boys are so easily distracted. Flynn's going to be so mad she missed this."

Luke points to where Y/N disappeared, stammering over his words before he finally gets proper hold of his thoughts. "She doesn't play fair!"

After what you would have called a successful interview, you went back to the studio where you found Luke all alone. You ended up calling a truce with him, but that ended up being a terrible decision on your part. Because interacting with a Luke who was as genuine as can be without the flirtatious behavior or teasing, well it turned out you found yourself liking the boy a little more than you should.

When Halloween came you found yourself dressing up alongside Flynn and Julie. Normally you'd have gone for something sexy, but after parading around half naked and knowing uncle Ray would not appreciate his underage daughter showing off too much skin, you settled for something that would make everyone laugh. You, Julie, and Flynn agreed to dress up as the boys, but you couldn't take their clothes until the day of. So when Halloween morning rolled around, Carlos and uncle Ray kept the boys busy while you and the girls raided their stash of clothes in the studio.

Julie took Alex's pink Champion hoodie and a snapback to shove down backwards atop her curls, Flynn wore Reggie's leather jacket atop a plain tee and wrapped a red flannel around her waist, and you took Luke's white Rush shirt with its cut off sleeves and a blue hoodie that also had it's sleeves cut off. You had giggled with each other when you all saw the final outcome and even took a few pictures to post to your personal Instagrams.

Then when the boys finally came in, it took them a moment to realize what they were seeing and it only clicked when you stepped forward and said, "Hey! We're Sunset Curve."

And then Flynn stepped forward, shooting finger guns at the boys. "Tell your friends."

Julie snorted and the boys burst into laughter, and then you took even more pictures with the boys- only when they were posted online you captioned them that you were the Phantoms from Julie and the Phantoms. Then when all was said and done, the six of you took Carlos trick-or-treating around the neighborhood while uncle Ray and tía Victoria cooked up a Halloween feast.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were emotional holidays for quite a few of you. The boys for obvious reasons- they being dead and not able to spend time with their loved ones- and you because while your parents could be more decent, you loved them all the same and wished the circumstances between you were different. But uncle Ray was understanding and made sure everyone had more than enough food and presents, and the night ended with everyone under the age of twenty falling asleep in the living room after admiring all their new belongings.

New Year's Eve rolls around and you're excited for two reasons- one being because of the fireworks that will no doubt go off at midnight and because at that exact same moment you'll be turning 18. Everyone expected you wanted a big party, but you surprised them all when you said all you wanted invited was everyone in the Molina household + studio, Flynn, and tía Victoria. You just wanted to have karaoke and a jam session, and some fireworks. You didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

The morning of New Year's Eve, you're woken up by Reggie bouncing on your mattress. But instead of being grouchy about it, you laugh and then yelp when Luke and Alex poof in to pop confetti poppers above you. You sit up, keeping the blanket across your lap as you shake your hair free of the shimmering mess.

"Happy birthday," Alex says, sitting down beside you and hugging you. "Ray said to be inside in twenty minutes. He's got a whole breakfast spread planned."

"Technically it's not my birthday yet, but thank you very much. I'll be inside as soon as possible."

Alex beams before Reggie takes his place, he leaning in and kissing your cheek with a loud smack. You giggle and accept his hug. "Happy birthday, my beautiful living friend. You don't look a day over 30."

You snort and then shove at his shoulder. "Shut up and get out. You don't get to be mean to the birthday girl."

"I thought it technically wasn't your birthday?" He winks at you. "Now hurry up. We can't eat until you do." And then with one last grin, Reggie poofs out.

Sighing happily, you stare up at Luke then. He grins as he readily lowers himself onto your mattress, laying on his stomach and keeping his expression directed at you. "Are you ready for tonight?"

"Am I ready to be a year older? Not really," you say. "But I am ready for some sparklers."

He chuckles. "Age is just a number, Y/N."

"Says the ghost who's forever 17," you mumble.

"Do you want me to find you a rancid hotdog? Because I will. Then the two of us will forever be 17."

"You're such an idiot." You can't stop grinning, especially when he mentions the way he died. It was terrible they died, but absolutely hilarious that it was death by hotdog for them. "I still don't understand how you didn't notice the weenie was bad. Rancid meat smells disgusting and you ate it!"

"In our defense we thought the smell was coming from the trash in the alley." You can only shake your head at him. "And we were still riding the rush of sound check inside the Orpheum."

"Your idiocy amazes me," you deadpan. "Now go on. I need to put on pants and brush my teeth. I'll meet you inside."

"Oh now you want to be all shy about walking around in your underwear." Luke playfully rolls his eyes. "Okay."

"You know what? I was being considerate so my near nudity didn't turn you into a stammering fool, but now I think I'll just do it." You grab your blanket to throw it off of you, but Luke quickly scrambles up and off your bed.

"Okay. Okay! I'll see you inside."

As soon as Luke poofs out, you grin to yourself like an idiot. The tension between the two of you was obvious from the beginning and it's still there even after you called a truce. You giddily get up and head on downstairs, making your way towards the bathroom to freshen up before heading inside. But as you're brushing your teeth, you realize you can't stop thinking about Luke. Which is kind of a bad thing. For you.

Everyone who has eyes can see the way Luke looks at you and the way you look at him, but given he's a ghost and you're very much alive you've agreed that nothing can happen between the two of you. Not just because of his ghostly status, but because of his status as Julie's bandmate- which is another problem they need a solution for but they won't worry about it until they have a record deal in their clutches. After then, they'll worry about revisiting the boys' family they had left behind when they died.

Quickly fixing your hair, you pull on a pair of leggings afterward and start making your way out of the studio. You sigh and come to the conclusion that for now you'd just enjoy the company of a cute ghost. You can totally get over the silly crush in no time.

- - - - - - - - - -

As you're getting ready for the night, you're surprised there's a knock on the floor of the loft right before Luke's head pops up by the stairs. "Is it okay if I come on up?"

"Yeah. Of course," you say. You grab your boots before sitting on the edge of your mattress, slipping your feet inside of them and start lacing up. Luke stands off to the side, a little sheepishly, and you grin at him. "Something up? You're too quiet."

"Yeah. No, I'm good." He chuckles a little nervously and then finally moves to take a seat next to you. When he's seated, you nudge him with your shoulder to get him to lighten up. "I just- we got you a present and I've been nominated to hand it over."

"A present? From who?"

"Well it was originally from Ray, Jules, and Carlos," he says, "but when us ghosties wanted to get you something too, it kind of turned into a joint gift from all of us." Luke reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box. You quirk an eyebrow at him as he hands the it over and immediately lift the lid. You coo at the silver charm bracelet inside and then lift it to examine the charms. "Ray, Julie, and Carlos had the laptop, dahlia, and lightning bolt charms already on there, but then we went back to the mall and had a microphone, a guitar, a bass, and drum sticks added to it."

"This is perfect. Help me put it on?"

You manage to unclasp the bracelet to slip it onto your right wrist and then Luke is scooting even closer to you so he can clasp it correctly. When he does, you twist your wrist back and forth so the charms jingle and fall correctly in place. Then you glance up at the same time Luke does, noses inches apart, and it's like both your breathing ceases.

Both your gazes seem to dart down to each other's lips and then you're jerking back while shakily inhaling. "You're trouble, Luke Patterson."

He smirks. "Fun trouble. You should try me sometime."

You can't believe the nerve of this ghost, so you roll your eyes, grin, and then climb to your feet. "Whatever you say, ghost boy. Now let's go. Tía Victoria was making me menudo for my birthday dinner."

Everyone at the Molina household is exactly who you wanted there and you get a kick out of watching the ghost boys attempt the menudo, watching the way they freeze when it's explained what exactly is in the menudo. Alex and Luke had slowly swallowed what was in their mouth before proclaiming they were full, but Reggie shrugged it off and kept on eating.

Outside uncle Ray grilled up some burgers and hotdogs for those who weren't fans of the menudo, and Julie had brought out bags of sparklers. You, Flynn, and Alex wasted no time in sparking some sparklers up while Reggie, Luke, and Carlos grabbed ahold of some small cannons to shoot off into the quickly darkening sky.

Many laughs are had, running amok in the streets with sparklers, and many pictures are taken. Your favorite, by far, had to have been when Carlos accidentally caught Reggie's flannel on fire and he stopped, dropped, and rolled in the street. You, Flynn, and Julie were never going to let him forget that terrified expression of his.

But then there's only five minutes to midnight, uncle Ray and Carlos are carrying several large firework boxes into the middle of the street and hurriedly untangling some wires, and a birthday sash is being draped over your head by Julie.

Seeing your uncle Ray and Carlos space out large boxes have drawn some of the neighbors to see what no doubt is going to a firework display, and you excitedly wait several feet away from the impending commotion.

Suddenly tía Victoria starts a countdown from twenty, Flynn hands out party horns, and everyone excitedly joins in.

"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE. HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

You blow your party horn, laughing when you spot Reggie jumping on Alex and Luke's backs in excitement. Uncle Ray hits a button in hand and the first box shoots off it's first firework. The explosions of white, gold, pink, blue, purple, and green has everyone making happy remarks, and you watch on, not noticing everyone pairing off to watch the show (Alex and Reggie, tía Victoria and Carlos, and Julie and Flynn).

You're smiling up at an explosion of white crackles that chase each other across the sky when two arms wrap around your neck from behind and a body presses up close behind yours. You chuckle as your hands come up to grab onto a forearm and you briefly glance over your shoulder. It's Luke.

As you go back to watching your uncle put on a spectacular firework display, you feel warm breath fan across your ear. "Happy birthday, Y/N," Luke murmurs.

"Thank you." You smile brightly even though he can't see it and then glance over your shoulder once more, holding his gaze as your faces are literally an inch apart. "Happy New Year, Luke."

He beams at you and against your will your gaze darts to his lips. Your mind is whirling and you know everything about you and Luke is a bad idea, but you just can't help yourself. And apparently neither can he.

Luke is the one to close the distance, softly pressing his lips to yours. You smile against his lips, giggling some before adding a little bit more pressure so he doesn't think you're laughing at him. The entire situation is just a little bit hilarious to you.

After a few seconds you pull apart and the two of you end up laughing before you go back to watching the fireworks. Fortunately no one had been paying you any attention, so you and Luke can keep the kiss between the two of you.

You know for sure nothing can actually come out of whatever is going on between the two of you, but for now you're willing to take it one day at a time and come up with official rules later on the down the line.

#julie and the phantoms imagine #julie and the phantoms x reader #jatp x reader #luke patterson x reader #luke patterson #julie molina #ray molina #reggie peters #alex mercer #carlos molina #julie and the phantoms

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n0wornever · 4 years

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Luke Patterson Masterlist

Here are all my works about Luke Patterson from Julie and The Phantoms

Everything to Lose — Luke and the boys go to Caleb’s club, while there he finds an interesting girl with her eyes in a book.

Not a Fighter - Luke continues to forget to show up for his girlfriend. She gets fed up with his lack of empathy, which leads to a blow up.

Stand Tall - Y/N has a difficult time learning the guitar, her boyfriend Luke swoops in to help.

Breaking Point - Y/N has a difficult time expressing her emotions to her boyfriend. It all comes to light after an explosive fight.

Your Pain Is Mine - Luke comes back from Caleb’s club with a new party trick that send’s Y/N’s heart-rate sky high.

Somebody to You - Julie aims to join a new band with some boys in town. Y/N comes to see them play and a certain member captures her attention.

Loved You First - Heartbroken from her first love, Y/N joins forces with the last person she’d expect. Part 2

Best Friends Who Kiss? - Y/N and Luke have been friends for longer than either can really remember. However does the afterlife have the ability to tear them apart even after all of these years?

Not The End - The boys have their final performance with Julie and disappear to the afterlife and Luke says goodbye to his first love. Or so he thought.

Pick Me - Luke isn’t happy when someone steps in between him and a certain someone, forcing him to confront his emotions.

Boys Like You - Luke and Y/N have a joint agreement that sends their senses racing at the thought of the other.

You’ve Got This - Y/N picks up the guitar after a push from her mom, but is learning a new instrument that bad when your tutor is kind of cute? Part 2

Broken Trust - The boys find out a hidden secret about their old bandmate, but will they be able to convince his best friend that he’s in the wrong?

Ghostin’ - Luke gets an idea to spook Carlos during the Halloween season, can he convince Y/N to be his partner-in-crime?

Glory Days - Luke and the boys final get their big break and his best friend makes it her goal see him bask in that glory.

Just Ask - Y/N falls under a lot of pressure with school, the band and family issues. She lets it boil to the surface one day after rehearsal and Luke knows he has to step in.

Meet Cute - Can a cute cafe barista win over the brooding writer in under a half hour lunch break? Part 2

Remember Me - Y/N feels replaced and isolated in the afterlife by Luke’s new leading lady, which makes her decide to do the unthinkable. Part 2

Small Talk - When his best friend gets broken up with, Luke steps in to make her feel special at the upcoming dance.

Wish You Were Sober - Luke finally expresses his feelings, too bad it took a bit of whisky to get it out.

Is It Really Me You’re Missing - Y/N has to choose between making herself happier and keeping someone she loves close. Part 2

Writer in The Dark - Christmas decorating is bound to go wrong with ghosts around

Smoke and Mirrors - Friends with benefits is hard when one of the two involved catches feelings.

Love Drunk - After a night of partying, Luke only has eyes for one girl

Amazed By You - Y/N and Luke are in the honeymoon stage of their relationship, absolutely infatuated with each other.

You Again - Y/N and Luke aren’t on the best terms, but what happens when they just happen to be at the right place at the right time?

10 More Minutes - After a late night of studying, two long-term best friends end up spending the night closer than they expected.

World Tour - Sunset Curve goes worldwide, but a hometown show brings his best girl back to him

Too Close - Nick reaches out to Y/N after her first Dirty Candy performance, will his advances trigger a certain guitarist?

One Chance - Luke has always lusted over Y/N, will she finally give him a chance or will her broken heart get the best of her?

The Build Up - Luke and Y/N are destined to be together, will their friends and family always stand in their way?

Skip Day - Luke forgets to finish his mid-term assignment, can he convince his mom that he’s ill to stay home and finish it?

I Fly - Luke overcomes his fear of ice skating to celebrate his best girl’s birthday.

Girl at The Rock Show - Julie drags the boys to a show. What happens when a certain lead singer captures Luke’s attention? Part 2

Merry and Bright - Y/N dreads the holidays with her mother, can she convince her rock star boyfriend to help aid her in rebelling against tradition?

The Writing Process - What does it look like when Luke Patterson truly gets in the songwriting zone?

Big Reputation - what happens when a brooding musician is recruited to tutor a wallflower?

Turn Back Time - Y/N passes away with the boys, they end up back in their old garage 25 years in the future.

Music In Me - Luke finds Y/N's hidden talent, can he convince her to utilize them?

Healing - Mean girls pull at Y/N's insecurities, will she need her boyfriend to step in and stand up for her.

Turn Back Time Series:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Enchanted - Y/N is on duty, like she always is when it comes to corporate events with her family. Will an unexpected guest lift her spirits?

Tis The Damn Season - Y/N is back home for the holidays and she runs into the last person she expected to see.

Partner Skate - Luke is asked to chaparone his cousin’s birthday party, and he’s not excited about it. Could a cute employee turn his frown upside down?

Book Club - Y/N is used to the peace and quiet of her library job, will three high school rock stars through a wrench in that serenity?

#luke patterson #luke patterson x reader #luke patterson imagine #luke patterson fanfiction #jatp #julie and the phantoms

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writella · 4 years

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Dating Luke Patterson

Luke Patterson x reader

World count: 3.8k (yes, for a headcanon, let’s not talk about it. Or is this normal? Idk.)

A/N: I made this WAY too long but hopefully you can think of this as your ultimate guide because of it, enjoy!

• Luke is a VERY affectionate and loving boyfriend, both physically and emotionally.

• Physically:

- This boy would want to touch you anywhere and everywhere and be around you all the time.

- He’d caress your face, stand behind you and rub your shoulders and arms, hug your waist or shoulders from behind, play with your hair, fidget with your bracelets or whatever accessories you’d have on, play with your hands, have his hand on the center of your back...

- Even if he saw an eyelash on your face he wouldn’t hesitate to get it for you instead of telling you about it.

- Anyway to touch you, he’d go for it.

- He’d like to kiss your nose or your forehead when he says goodbye to you.

- When you’re alone he’d like Eskimo kisses.

- He just basks in being in your presence.

- Whether you liked to receive / give physical affection or not, you always have to remember to be a little extra affectionate with him because he really enjoys it.

- He likes knowing you’re there and that you care. He does that for everyone else, so if you do it, he’d really appreciate it.

- He likes the lingering touches the best, like intertwining your fingers together, or when you play with his hair (even though sometimes he doesn’t want it to get messed up), or you rubbing his shoulders like he does to you.

• Emotionally:

- He would be your number one supporter.

- He’d push to try new things or to speak your mind even if you’re afraid.

- He’d compliment you all the time. Saying that the band would be hopeless without you, or by telling you how beautiful he thinks you are, or how talented you are, or by marveling at your artistic or scholastic accomplishments.

- Tell you uplifting stories or give you words of encouragement when you’re feeling down.

• You love that he’s always so smiley and how his nose crinkles and eyes get all squinty when he’s cheesin’ hard.

• You think he’s sunshine personified by the way he is able to brighten up not only your day, but everyone’s day.

• He thinks you’re an angel because of the way you lighten up everyone’s life. Not to mention how you are the first to help, listen, or give advice to anyone in the band.

• Before you start dating, his heart would beat frantically when he saw you.

• After you’re together though, that would fade, but not because the excitement he feels when you’re around would go away, but because you’d become his safe place. Knowing that the person he could confide to always was around would bring a warm and content feeling all around him.

• Luke would be a romantic. We see this because of the way he always sees the bigger picture by constantly looking on the brighter side of things and by the way he writes poetry within his song lyrics, so he would treat your relationship the same way. He’d write you notes or make the band throw you a private concert or play an acoustic cover or original song just for you.

• He’d let you wear his chains or bracelets from time to time or you’d steal them.

• You’d like to play with the rings on his hand.

• You would probably get him some rings or chains to add to his collection.

• Getting a reaction out of you is his favorite thing.

• No matter how far into your relationship you are he’d still like to flirt in order to make your blush.

• If you were a writer / singer / musician he would ask you what you think of some lyrics he’s written or is thinking about writing down, but even if you weren’t, he would ask you anyways because he values your opinions and ideas.

• He either let you take or you’d steal some of his band tees. He’d get major heart eyes seeing you in them. Thinking you looked gorgeous in. his. clothes.

• He’d always give you a wink when he was on stage and saw you in the crowd or backstage.

• If you didn’t know how to play an instrument, he would want to teach you to play guitar. He just wants to share his passion.

• He’d introduce you to music you’d never listened to and you’d introduce him to 2000s + recent stuff that you think he’d like.

• When he’s in your room he’s be so nosy and look through all your stuff, but honestly, when you were in his room (if this was 90s) you’d do the same (he’d have so many CDs and other weird interesting stuff.)

Dating Ghost!Luke:

• So you can see him!

• Maybe you’re Julie’s close friend or sibling.

• You’d really enjoy that you and Julie get to have such special friendships with all three of the guys.

• Perhaps you’d never had a sense of belonging like that, and now you had a group of people you could always rely on to be there for you and understand you.

• I think it would make you and Julie closer.

• Luke would obviously be a goner for you right when he saw your face, but since he just loves to be close to everyone you couldn’t tell.

• You’d probably think if he had a crush on anyone it was Julie because of how great they look when they sing together despite how sweetly or flirtatiously he would talk to you.

• You’d just assume he was like that with everyone.

• Julie, Alex, and Reggie would see how much he liked you though.

• You and Julie would teach the guys about the internet, different innovations, etc.

• Luke’s way of getting to talk to you more, other than pestering you with questions about yourself, would definitely be asking you about how to do this and that online, or just to talk to you about how things have changed so you can put it into perspective for him.

• He’d really like listening to your voice. He would hang onto every word.

• And you really liked his voice too, both singing and speaking, so whatever questions he asked you, you would always forward them back to him. You liked how passionately he spoke about everything. You also, hung onto every word.

• If you couldn’t touch, despite knowing that there was obviously more than friendship going on between the two of you, you’d be reluctant to tell each other of your feelings.

• When the truth comes out however you decide to make it work.

• But if you could touch, Luke would of course be the happiest guy on Earth and never let go of you.

• The band remembers to give you guys alone time in the garage or in Julie’s / your room sometimes, so you can just speak freely with him.

• But you guys also take walks on the beach or the park while you pretend you're on the phone or have your headphones in so you can have a change of scenery.

• You would be the glue of the group / band.

• If you weren’t a part of the band (like singing / playing an instrument specifically) it would probably be easiest for you to see their band spats in an unbiased and reasonable manner.

• You’d make sure to ask Alex how he’s doing because you know he’s always got something on his mind, but doesn’t always share unless asked.

• You’d make sure to always find something fun to do with Reggie from time to time, or just start up a conversation with him about mundane things.

• You see how he likes to watch Ray and Carlos all the time, so you wonder if maybe he just wants some kind of familial connection, and you decide that it’ll be you.

• I think he’d appreciate how you take the time to ask him questions and listen to his answers seriously, despite how he says things in such a humorous tone, and you’d appreciate how surprisingly observant he is (e.g. he noticed Ray was worried about Julie by how he had been stress eating all week. Reggie is a sweet boy who cares, guys.)

• You realize you both have hidden traits that no one gives you credit for except each other.

• Luke would like how you had a unique relationship with everyone and truly put in the effort to make sure each one is personalized between you and that person. It reminded him of himself— Always trying to give a little love to everyone — It would make him that much more fond of you.

• You’d settle arguments between the guys.

• Or maybe even little arguments between Julie and Luke. Although neither could stay mad at each other for long (honestly being “mad” at each other wouldn’t even be the word), but sometimes they took opposing sides to different situations like where to add a certain verse or about a poor decision Julie felt the guys made (like haunting Bobby or going to Caleb’s), so you’d be there to give an outside opinion or to calm the heated moments.

• He’d like to stare at you whenever he could. When you were in the garage talking to Julie or Flynn or if it’s 90s!Luke he’d do it in class or in the hallways.

• Either Julie or Alex would say he’s a creep for staring but Luke would say he’s just admiring.

• Little did he know you did the same.

• And now, speaking of 90s Luke...

Dating Alive!Luke:

• Okay, so we’re in the 90s and he’s in high school.

• He either met you because you share a class together and he thought you were pretty (and you thought he was beautiful, of course) or you and Alex shared a class together and he befriended you.

• Let’s say it’s Alex: you guys would bond over the fact that presentations are stupid and only done to make people feel uncomfortable and ultimately humiliate themselves.

• When Alex didn’t have a class with Reggie and or Luke he’d feel lonely but if you were there, you could now be a person he could go to, so you two could be lonely together.

• Even if you guys didn’t have much in common the fact that you were easy to talk to, always decided to be partners with him, or help each other out in class gave him comfort, so maybe one day he’d ask you to sit with him at lunch or see a gig his band managed to get.

• You go (You can choose which, I’m making it a choose your own adventure for about a whole second. Enjoy.) and boom enter Luke and his sunshine eyes, pretty hair, GORGEOUS arms, a muscle tee, along with his classic vans and you’re like , WHOA, but you try to hide it.

• And Luke is like, WHOA, but he tries to hide it.

• And Alex is like, “Of course.”

• And Reggie is like, “Hi I’m Reggie. We’re Sunset Curve, tell you friends.”

• And you’re like, “But I don’t have (m)any friends.”

• And Alex is like, “That’s okay I only have three (3) friends and before that I had none!”

• And Luke is like, “I’ll be your friend 👀”

• And Reggie is like, “By the way he’s looking at you, I think he wants to be more than just ‘friends’ 😏😉”

• And Luke is like, “🤡”

• And Alex is like, “🤡”

• And Reggie is like, “🤠?”

• And you’re like, *internally SCREAMING*

• Here comes that mutual pining.

• Alex starts to bring you around more often which helps you to get closer to all three of them, but especially Luke, who will ask you a series of never ending questions about yourself.

• You think Luke is just really nice and that's why he's so friendly when you’re around, but in actuality he just wants to know all about you.

• Alex and Reggie would bother him about it when you’re not around.

• One day, after he just couldn’t take it anymore he’d finally ask you out, or just kisses you unexpectedly because Luke acts before he thinks sometimes.

• The rest is history.

• Anyway...

• He’s a sweetie and probably wouldn’t really talk crap about teachers, but I know he’s not into school either.

• That being said: he’d totally get you to skip one day or quite a few days if he gets you to agree saying “please, please, please,” or telling you that you can afford to miss because you’re so much smarter than him, or just giving you so many kisses you can’t think straight.

• Skipping activities would include:

- Finding some random coffeehouse for him and the band to play impromptu while you watch.

- Adventures in the park or woods: he’s find a grassy place and sing songs to you on his guitar or you’d do something silly like play tag because Luke is a child.

- Sit on the trunk of Alex or Reggie’s car (let's say one of them has one) and have a quick make out session or just talks out life (probably his parental issues) it depends on how he’s feeling that day.

- Or finally, you guys would explore around the school and find rooms you’d never been in or see what the back of the auditorium looked like for the first time. If you guys ever get caught he’d either tell you to hide or run or find some way to get you out of it. He would take full blame, never wanting to get you in trouble.

• Once again, being the romantic he is, he’d probably take you to your first concert, write you cards, come by your locker after every period, take you out on weekends or weekdays whenever he could.

• He’d try to be a gentleman in front of your parents, really wanting them to like him, and he’d try to respect your curfew if you had one, but sometimes he would like to be rebellious (e.g. when he tells Julie to sneak out the window for their first gig) and try to get you to sneak out, especially if it was for something really special he planned. Ex. a moonlight serenade. But again, sometimes this boy doesn’t think, so he’d probably just get you to come out so you could kiss, or talk, or talk and kiss.

• All around, you guys would just have a blast together because Luke’s mission is to bring joy to your life.

• He genuinely loves seeing people happy and if you two were in a relationship, your happiness would definitely be a top top top priority.

• He would burn you CDs.

• He’d love to listen to them with you because he just loves sharing music with you and he just wants to see your reactions right then and there.

• He’s introduce you to new things and you would talk for hours about music you both liked or movies you loved.

• He’d like to hold your hand in the halls.

• Send you notes in class or even throw them at you or if you were sitting too far apart.

• He’d even tell someone to tell you he had something to say. Down the chain his call would go till the last person closest to you tells you that Luke is asking for you. You’d look and all he’d say is “hi” with the goofiest smile.

• You’d either have no choice but to smile back because of how infectious he is, or if you had enough willpower, you’d roll your eyes and look away. If the latter, he would try again and again till he got you to give in.

• He’d mimic or make faces when the teacher or a classmate said something stupid.

• He’s a little needy that way. He just wants your attention and affection.

• Again, he’d do anything to see you smile and equally as important, bothering you is the only joy he gets out of class whenever he’s not in a class with the guys.

• You’d proofread his essays or any writing that was for any type of English class because when he’s really feeling up to it, he actually puts in effort in his writing assignments.

• You tell him that he’s a good writer and that if the band thing doesn’t work out he could always become a music / poetry teacher.

• “Too bad the band thing is going to work out,” he’d assure you.

• You believed him, but you always just want to let him know he has far more talents than what he, or his teachers, for that matter give him credit for.

• Despite his major confidence in his musical abilities he feels like he falls short in other aspects, something you were surprised to learn about him, so you do your best to compliment him and encourage him.

• But especially in school since he already thinks of it in such low standards.

• When his parents fight with him about the band, you're his safe space. Sometimes he doesn’t like to tell Alex and Reggie about all the gritty details because they have family issues too, but he can always vent to you.

• You like hanging out in his room. His personality is written all over it. Band posters, movie posters, ideas for songs as well as song lyrics he loves taped up to the wall on scrap pieces of paper and sticky notes, it’s a little messy but it’s mostly just clothes and crumpled paper on the floor.

• Unfortunately, you don’t hang there too much because Luke doesn’t always like being around his parents.

• His parents like you though and enjoy when you’re around the house because it means Luke is actually around too.

• They know you encourage him at school and his mother specifically knows he needs that extra support and appreciates you for it.

• She’s told you that she wishes she could show Luke that she wants to give him that, but sometimes Luke gets too preoccupied with his music and has the notion that just because she is concerned about his career choice that she is totally against him.

• Speaking of that, despite how much Luke loves being your boyfriend and tries his best to show you how much he loves you, he’s not always perfect.

• Sometimes music and the band comes between you two as well.

• When he’s really driven on a song idea, whether it be working on the lyrics to a song, composing the music to it , rehearsing it with the band, etc., it will take all his attention.

• When he gets a fixation on something, he can be very single minded.

• All he’ll want to do is be with his thoughts and guitar or with the band that he forgets to check in with you.

• Once you tell him though, he will feel terrible about it. Not seeing how his passion can make him so blind at times.

• “I just get really into it, you know? I’m sorry! I can make it up to you.” His bottom lip would jut out and his eyes would drop dopily. He always looked like such a puppy, you could stay mad for long.

• “How are you going to prove you’re really sorry?” you’d ask knowing this wasn’t the first nor will it be the last time he gets “really into” his music.

• “I’m dropping everything today. It’s just you and me. Promise.” And he’d mean it.

• When Luke knows he’s at fault he will always try 110% to make it right. He doesn’t like it when he hurts people, especially you. He feels like he’s failed in a way.

• He’d show you new snippets of new songs he’s working on.

• You guys would talk endlessly about favorite bands and he would introduce you to ones you’d never heard before.

• You liked when he talked about his favorite musicians. Seeing someone talk passionately about something they loved was always beautiful to witness, but when Luke did it, it was next level.

• He’d literally buzz everywhere, talk super fast, and bounce around. He vibrates happiness and those are the moments where you knew for sure why he was so determined on his goals to make the band work. The love he has is so intense, so undeniable, so unbreakable. You hoped you could find something you loved like that one day. Other than him, of course.

• Oh, wait? Is that how you figure out you love him? For his passionate and brave spirit that did nothing but put a smile on your face all day, everyday? You couldn’t even compute the thought. It felt right, of course, but it was scary.

• You didn’t tell him. I think he’d say I love you first anyway and you’d happily say it back, finally releasing the beautiful realization you held inside for so long.

• He’d want you to go to every gig they got.

• “I can’t do it without you,” he’d say.

• Sometimes he knew you couldn’t though, because he and the band would only get slots in the middle of the night sometimes, or they’d do all-nighters around the city playing on the outsides of clubs just to get noticed.

• Sometimes they would get in trouble, or even ban from some places and he didn’t want you to be a part of that. He’d tell you that he wants you to get your sleep.

• But if it was the weekend, or the summer, or just a day you decided you have the time to be rebellious, you’d love to cheer them on, or maybe you would even be the getaway driver when workers would try to kick them out.

• You’d help Luke and the boys with their homework or school work a lot.

• Whether you were smart or an average student they’d think you were a genius and appreciate how you remind them of assignment deadlines from the classes you’d share. They only went to school to spend time together and outside of school was for music, so they’d probably fail without you.

• Luke would be the first to thank you every time.

• You would be there for him when he ran away. You’d tell him that maybe he should go back and talk to his parents or that maybe it would be best to at least finish high school, but he dismisses both as options immediately, saying that he knows what he wants. That school nor his parents are going to give it to him, so why bother.

• You support him and believe in his dream, but you still worry from time to time. You decide that it's his choice and that you love him, so you just make sure that he is eating, sleeping, and that you’re there for him if he needs someone to talk to or just someone to hug.

Now back to the general stuff:

• He’d give you a nickname. Personally, I think he’d try to shorten your name in some way that hopefully no one else calls you yet so he can feel special.

• Alex and Reggie would probably start calling you by that nickname sometimes too soon after that.

• As for usual nicknames, I think sometimes when he greets you he’d call you “beautiful”

• “Hey beautiful, how you doin’?” Lets pretend that he watched the first season of Friends in ‘94 and then watched the rest on your laptop after he comes back and be obsessed like Charlie.

• He’d make your laugh a lot. Sometimes because he’s flirty or silly but other times it was because he could just be really dumb (in a sweet way, of course.)

• You would wonder why everyone would call Reggie the clueless one. It seemed like all the guys shared one braincell and Alex just hogged it most of the time.

• He’d love kissing. I don’t think he’d do full on make outs in the halls or in front of the band (not because he's shy though), but when you two were alone, in the garage or in each other's rooms he would be so down, there is no stopping him, and he’d try to make them last as long as he could.

• He would ask for good luck kisses before a show just to get you to touch him, as always.

• When you saw him shirtless for the first time your breath would be taken away. You knew he was probably toned because those sleeveless tees but you still couldn’t predict just how GORGEOUS and HOT he would look, whew.

• He’s probably get cocky for a second because of your speechless reaction.

• But that confidence would go right out the door whenever he saw you without a shirt, his eyes would be blown, totally star struck.

�� He’d like to cuddle or rest his head on your lap, especially when he needs to relax from the stress he’s feeling due to his home life or from writing. You’d gently stroke his hair. It would soothe him.

• He’d also like it when you rest your head on his lap too. In those moments, he would take it as full permission to touch you and kiss you up, no complaints.

• Overall, Luke would just love you up and write you pretty songs forever and ever. Best boyfriend.

Thank you for reading! Who else wants to have this boy as their handsome and adorable ghost boyfriend? I love him.

#julie and the phantoms #my work #luke patterson imagine #luke patterson fic #luke patterson x reader #luke patterson #julie and the phantoms fic #julie and the phantoms imagine

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lynkhart · 3 years

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MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

#Critical Role #Critical Role Spoilers #CR Spoilers #shadowgast #Essek thelyss #Caleb Widogast #C2ep141 #C2ep141 spoilers #critical role finale

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