#i love me some good trauma induced negative character development

[alpaca-clouds]

Let me use Astarion as an excuse to talk about CPTSD

You know what? I think this might be a good moment to talk about CPTSD and how Astarion really is a textbook example of someone with CPTSD (though it is very likely that basically our entire main cast of characters in BG3 is suffering from it to some degree, they just are less textbook in their presentation).

Let me start with a simple question: What is CPTSD?

CPTSD is the shortened version of Complex PTSD, or rather Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So, to dumb it down: It is like CPTSD, but it sucks a lot more.

While normally PTSD is caused by one traumatic event (like having a car accident, seeing a loved one die, being subjected to random violence at some point), while CPTSD is caused by a traumatic situation that goes on for a while or repeats several times. In the western world, we see a lot of CPTSD in survivors of parental abuse or intimate partner abuse. Aka, traumatic situations that went on for a longer while. You will also find CPTSD in some people from marginalized groups, as the traumatic situation of discrimination is constantly repeating. And of course you will find it in survivors of war or similar ongoing events.

PTSD will often lead to having triggers related to the trauma, showing avoidance behavior towards possibly triggering situations. It might also lead to flashbacks, nightmares, and a raised awareness/carefulness, often especially regarding relations with other people (though this might depend on the traumatic event it stems from).

CPTSD will have all of that, but often in more complex ways (as a longer experience will allow for complex triggers to develop - and a lot more situa´tions to become triggers as well), but it will also lead to a difficulty to regulate emotions, a general mistrust towards other people, inability to have healthy relationships, prolonged moments of dissociations, a generally negative perception of the world and events, feelings of worthlessness and internalized shame.

It should also be noted that in many cases the symptoms of CPTSD only start showing, once the traumatized person is removed from the traumatizing situation.

Neurally the reason for CPTSD is basically, that the nervous system is put into a prolonged survival mode. Which is also why the symptoms often trigger after the survivor is removed trauma inducing situation.

And, oh look, it is Astarion lol

Looking at the character from this perspetive, you really see pretty much all the symptoms in him.

Does he struggle with regulating his emotions? Fuck yeah, he does. He tries to regulate them, but he very often fails at it.

Does he get triggered by some situations? Yeah, it does. (You get that especially when you play his origin.)

He is super mistrustful towards other people - which is also why he does not intermingle with other people that much.

His view of most things as negative is also fairly clear - I also would argue that his "let's kill some puppies and kittens" behavior is also very closely connected to this.

And that he struggles with feelings of worthlessness and shame is again something that is found in the text.

He really is a very textbook example of CPTSD, which also brings me back to what I already talked about this week: Both CPTSD and PTSD will permanently change the nervous system. Which as far as we know will never quite go away. (Like, not to be a nerd, but there has been some recent research, that has shown that certain medication might permanently eleviate some symptoms - but not heal it totally.) It is basically scars from a nervous injury, if you wanna think of it like that.

You can however learn to live with the symptoms and learn techniques to regulate them. If you have read any of my Tavstarion stories (like this one), I bring some of those techniques into that. Stuff like breathing techniques or techniques to get your brain out of a flashback spiral (like consciously perceiving your surroundings). But to learn to deal with it, you also need to confront the trauma, which is probably the hardest thing to get Astarion to do, because he seems to be very avoidant. Like, his entire "I need to ascend" thingie is all avoidant behavior. Basically, he wants all that power that comes with ascending to prevent him from ever ending up in a situation that would be in any way similar to his trauma again.

But even if he does not ascend, there is a good chance he will still show a lot of avoidant behavior in the future.

When I write him, there is a reason that I do not have him leave home for a good seven months outside of what he has to do (like feeding). Which is very typical avoidant behavior.

The thing is that often trauma and especially CPTSD is not always the very big reactions - though those might be there too - but a lot of those more muted things. Avoiding going outside. Avoiding new situations. Being just a bit anxious. Feeling that nice things are done with bad intentions. Things like that.

Just, you know... A heads up.

#baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #tav x astarion #astarion x tav #tavstarion #cptsd #cptsd recovery #ptsd #mental health

[raayllum]

Just like I thought s3 didn’t wrap up Rayla’s self worth issues (as TTM now pushes to the forefront), I didn’t think that s2 or s3 wrapped up Callum’s. His line “What am I if not a mage?” in Callum’s Spellbook highlighted that, as even though it’s supposed to be victorious, it shows a worrying line of thinking. As someone who feels very similarly towards my writing as Callum does towards his magic, I also had to work exceedingly hard all throughout my teen years to not attach my self worth to my writing and instead have it be attached to myself as an intrinsic thing (aka I beat off moving my sense of self worth from my school work to my writing with a stick). And while Callum finding out he had magic inside him, always, and just had to figure it out is a wonderful boost to his self confidence (as s3 shows) I wouldn’t be surprised if he has developed, “I have worth because I’m a mage” not “I have worth regardless of my usefulness or skill because I’m a person.”

How Rayla and Callum respond to their trauma also fits their personalities. Callum attempts to help and connect (staying and yelling to Harrow in 1x03; trying to jump in after Ezran in 1x06; going to Rayla for understanding and comfort in 2x03; extending kindness to Bait in 2x05/2x06; being frustrated he can’t help in 2x07; navigating his conscience with help from each of his parents in 2x08/2x09; opening up about his feelings in 3x06; jumping after Rayla in 3x09; looking for solutions and advice from Lujanne and magic in TTM). Rayla tries to detach and protect, so that the risk is all on her shoulders (lying to Runaan in 1x01; protecting the princes in 1x03 even at risk to her life and telling them to leave her to deal with the threat; not telling the boys about the binding and Harrow; trying to deal with her guilt all by herself in 3x04 and 3x08; etc).

I don’t even necessarily think there is a shift, because they’re still moving in the cyclical, circular sort of patterns their arcs always have. For example: 1x03 is the split with & loss of both their father figures. 2x03 deals with the fallout of Callum’s choices loss, and 3x03 deals with the fallout of Rayla’s choices of loss. TTM deals with their evolved relationship to loss, of Callum being bright eyed and more optimistic/reassured (like always) and Rayla being more often stuck and looking for atonement to deal with her guilt. Except now in TTM, their relationship is the emotional anchor and a way to explore that grief, and how it manifests in new fears (i.e. losing each other – a trajectory that Rayla hit earlier and harder.)

So a lot of their healing will be centred on each other, because that’s where some of the core wound is, and also how they can help each other heal as friends, partners, and significant others in order for them to help save others (themselves and Rayla’s coined parents, possibly Pip Harrow, and like, the world alongside Ezran’s aid).

Callum has self worth issues, but they’re not self destructive (in 1x02 he sacrifices himself but argues for his life anyway; in 2x04 he goes out into the storm and pulls back of his own accord) in the same way that Rayla operates – if anything, they tend to be more self destructive to the people around him (his temper hurting Ezran’s feelings in 1x02/1x09, his pursuit of magic putting Zym and Rayla in a lot of danger, etc). Rayla, meanwhile, argues against him for her own death (3x08) and engages in behaviour that is self destructive primarily to herself, obviously, but also to her relationships (1x06, 3x04, TTM).

Not all of Callum and Rayla’s selfless acts are bad things - many of them are good things. But like most actual people, their greatest strengths are also their greatest flaws, it’s just all a matter of circumstance.

I also think on Callum’s side, TTM does a very good job at showing the “quieter” side of trauma because he doesn’t have the same irritability or outbursts. If anything, by trying to be supportive, he can sometimes enable Rayla’s and his own morally dubious behaviour (i.e. having zero problems with lying to Lujanne, even when Rayla does). I think @numptypylon talked about it in fics, but Callum could’ve pointed it out to Rayla that is isn’t her job or responsibility to make sure Viren is dead - there are adults that can do that - but he and Rayla have both become so used to not being able to rely on older figures and having to be hyper-competent that Callum’s solution is to try and make sure he can go with her to hunt down a dangerous madman.

TLDR; it’s complicated, but TTM portrays Callum’s trauma more than just fine, imo. I’m also not worried about negative character development, cause that’s exactly what s3 was for Claudia and Viren, and what TTM was for Rayla in many aspects, by and large.

#i love me some good trauma induced negative character development and then recovery and forging a new identity in the aftermath #it is a story arc i have written Many times by now #mental health #through the moon #analysis series #analysis #personal fave #get in loser we're grabbing braincells #every separation is a link

[nonbinaryhatboxghost]

Okay, today has been a quiet Saturday morning so far, I have some time, and I like lists. So here is my random (personal) ranking of Star Trek series and movies, out of what I’ve seen, which is everything but seasons 5-7 of Voyager, all of Enterprise, and all of Picard. I’m only counting shows with three or more seasons because it’s easier. But let the record show that I love Lower Decks so far and The Animated Series is actually a blast.

SPOILERS THROUGHOUT

Series Ranking

The Original Series - As influential of a show as it is, I constantly forget how much damn fun the original Trek is. There is an almost Community-like variance in tone and genre throughout the show. And I’m a sucker for a future that embraces primary colors. It is the Trek show I revisit the most so far, and it remains my favorite.

Deep Space Nine - This one comes close, though. It starts out as a solid spinoff with very well-defined characters, and then becomes a big, sprawling epic that had my eyes welling up by the end. It feels more like a sequel to The Original Series than The Next Generation did to me. It dealt with subject matter both different and darker than was expected for the time. It had characters at odds with each other. Religion was explored in a way that balanced brutal honesty with genuine respect. War and the various traumas it induces were acknowledged. And it had “Take Me Out to the Holosuite”. I only finished this one recently but I look forward to watching it again.

Discovery - I was rooting for this show to be good even as it went through so much behind-the-scenes drama during its first two seasons. Even with all of that going on, the show became a fascinating watch as you saw it change from its arguably-too-dark beginnings as a prequel, to the almost Doctor Who-like second season with its joyful embracing of classic Trek, and finally to its current iteration that at long last gives us a Trek show that’s not bound by prequel limitations. Michael Burnham is such a great character and getting to see her arc alone makes this one of my favorite Trek stories. The queer/nonbinary representation also warms my heart.

Voyager - I’m just starting the fifth season, but the show has settled into an interesting groove with its characters. And Voyager’s characters are so damn good that they counterbalance a lot of the show’s early problems. It takes a while for Voyager to realize that the Kazon do not work very well as villains. But once the show realizes that, it begins an upward trajectory in quality that reminds me of Deep Space Nine after it began doing Dominion plots. And Seven of Nine’s effect on the crew dynamic lives up to the hype. Any scene between her and Janeway demonstrates such a unique relationship between captain and crewmate that an episode plot can be meh and still worth it for a scene with those two. Also, Janeway is the best captain character. No other Trek show (that I’ve seen so far) comes close to showing us the weight of leadership like Voyager, and Mulgrew constantly brings it.

The Next Generation - This is my first Trek show. It’s the one that my dad watched. There are several standout episodes to me, but I find myself less drawn to revisiting TNG than the other Trek shows because ultimately it took me too long to understand and care about its cast of characters. If you were to ask me to describe any character from any other Trek show, I would be able to. Ask me to describe a TNG character and I would likely fail to give any good adjectives for any character besides Data and Worf. As iconic as the show is, and as great as it became, it doesn’t have the same pull on me as other Trek shows. But it was the template for the spinoffs that followed, and the portrayal of Picard’s trauma post-Borg assimilation earns its reputation as an all-timer for me.

Movie Ranking

VI: The Undiscovered Country - I’m surprised this one isn’t talked about as much as other Trek movies. It’s a very frank depiction of prejudices and learning to deal with them. It has one of the best Kirk/Spock scenes ever. Christopher Plummer as a Klingon. The ORIGINAL cast credits sign-off (yes, Avengers: Endgame borrowed from this). A score that carefully balances menace with eventual hope. A fun whodunit structure. I could go on and on. It’s just so damn great, and so far the only successful send-off to a Trek crew in any of the movies.

II: The Wrath of Khan - It’s a classic for a reason. I’ve probably rewatched this more than any other Trek movie. You got your great villain, your classic crew beginning to deal with their mortality, an all-timer death scene, a kickass early James Horner score. What more could you want?

The Motion Picture - This is an interesting one. When I first watched it as a teen, I hated it. I agreed with every critique of it being thinly plotted and having an excessive runtime. When I revisited it in my 20s, it became a favorite. It’s Star Trek’s exploration of existential dread, and the struggle to find agency and identity within that dread. It has possibly Jerry Goldsmith’s greatest score. It is the best that the Enterprise has ever looked. This movie envelopes you with eerie and epic imagery, culminating in a finale with interesting philosophical ramifications and a well-earned return to optimism from its crew. This one is criminally underrated.

First Contact - This one is just rock solid all around. The best-ever TNG villains, further exploration of Picard’s trauma from Borg assimilation, Alfre Woodard, Alice Krige, fun action, the genesis of the Federation. It has the best balance of darkness and fun out of all of the Trek movies. It also has a character actually say the words “star trek” in a way that never ceases to make me smile. I don’t know if it’s a good line, but it’s funny regardless.

Beyond - Like The Motion Picture, I initially disliked this upon first viewing. I was still in the middle of watching The Original Series and was in the wrong mindset for this mashup of TOS and Fast & Furious. But it’s one of the most underrated Treks because it’s a perfect balance of the more kinetic action found in the 2010s with a very well-done breakdown of the inherent point and value of Star Trek: learning to be better and move beyond fighting the same battles among ourselves.

IV: The Voyage Home - This one is such a satisfying culmination of the crew’s arc starting in The Wrath of Khan that the joy of the 1980s material is almost just a bonus to me. Nimoy does a good job of keeping things light without disregarding stakes. He gets the best portrayal of the crew’s camaraderie in this and The Search for Spock. And Spock’s reaction to the concept of “exact change” always makes me laugh.

III: The Search for Spock - I revisited this one recently and it held up better than I expected. Seeing the weight of Spock’s death on Kirk in the beginning hits hard. Christopher Lloyd as the Klingon villain is casually one of the best Trek movie villains. And seeing the crew uniting over trying to bring back Spock gives us some of the best on-screen moments of this cast.

Star Trek - One of the reasons I love Beyond so much is that it retroactively makes this one better. I was crazy for this movie when it came out. I was in high school, Star Trek in general was something I was only really aware of because of my dad. But this is the thing that got me into Trek. And as mixed of a bag as it now plays to me, ‘09 Star Trek being a gateway for me to general Trek, combined with the perfect casting of the crew, the excellent Giacchino score, and the emotion of the opening sequence, thankfully makes this one still a blast to revisit.

Nemesis - I have only seen this twice, and both of those times without having seen TNG in its entirety. This was also the very first Trek movie I ever saw. Nostalgia is a factor for why this is higher than the others on the list. Curiosity is another, as I was unaware of Tom Hardy when I watched this, and have no idea what my opinion will be on rewatch. But what I always remembered of this movie was its ending, which even to a novice like myself when I first saw it had an impact.

Generations - There are quite a few great scenes that Stewart gets in this movie. Malcolm McDowell is also great in it. But the whole plot feels too forced for me to get actually swept up in it. And as fun as it is to see Shatner and Stewart share the screen... it ultimately has no impact and leads to a strangely lame death for Kirk.

Insurrection - The idea of Enterprise going rogue against the Federation for forcibly relocating a population for a natural resource is such a good concept... which makes the goofiness and half-baked writing of this entry all the more confusing. All the elements are there, but it feels like the tone was forced to be lighter than the material warranted. It’s frustrating because Frakes’ directing chops that he showed off on First Contact are still visible here. But for whatever reason, this one just falls apart.

Into Darkness - This one is low on the list mainly because it represents almost all the negative traits of the modern blockbuster to me. Darkness without depth, franchise callbacks without substance, and no character development/change by the end. Another reason why Beyond works better as a sequel to ‘09 Star Trek than this one is that Into Darkness feels more like it’s trying to make Star Trek a bigger movie franchise rather than develop this iteration of the Enterprise crew. Nothing and no one is changed by the end of this story.

V: The Final Frontier - It is the most difficult Trek movie to sit through, and yet I can’t call it a disaster. For all of its misfirings on the comedy front (dancing Uhura, for instance), the camping material with Kirk, Spock and McCoy is genuinely great. The premise of its villain being on a quest to find God is ultimately a misfire, but it leads to a very engagingly ridiculous climax centered around the question “What does God need with a starship?” There are far too many undeveloped ideas in this one, but that scene is worth seeing this movie for. At least, now that we know it didn’t kill the franchise, as so many apparently feared when this came out.

#star trek #kyle rants

[minyoonsgirl]

Nabi - The Girl without a Name

Summary:You have no memories of your past, all you know is fear as you push your battered body to run faster as you try to escape those who pursue you. Who would have thought that room 205 would hold the key  to seven men who would become your protectors. Who knew that it would lead you to uncovering your past and finding that your savior had already come to your rescue so many times before.

Genre: eventual Fluff, eventual Smut, eventual OT7 x reader

Warnings: Amnesia, themes of fear, implied kidnapping and adult themes. Themes of self deprecation and negative self talk. Trauma related PTSD - PTSD/Trauma induced panic attack. Things will probably be a lot more intense as this story goes on.

Word Count: 1,461

Chapter Four >  < Chapter Six

a/n: Hello lovelies  ♡ This is chapter five of my yoongi x reader fic, eventual ot7 x reader fic. I really do plan for this to be a longer fic, so I do apologize if the chapters seem a little slow, but I really want to have strong character development and a good plot going. I want it to feel like a natural progression, especially with everything our dear reader has been through. Anyway, I hope you enoy ♡ I also really want to apologize for the length of time it has taken me to get to chapter five, I’ve had some personal things happen in my life that made writing difficult. Thanks for waiting for me  ♡  Also, if you wanted to be tagged let me know! Any feedback is always welcomed, I really hope you’re enjoying the story ♡

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Chapter Five - The Girl without Memories

You woke to the sound of pans clanging and the smell of food frying, you snuggled further into the blankets. Yoongi groaned from beside you, his arms snaking out to wrap around you and pull you closer to him. You tensed at the sudden touch, having assumed that Yoongi would have already left for some schedule or other. His hands traced circles over your hip and you felt yourself relax and sink into him. 

“Yoongi-ssi, Nabi - Ya! Are you guys seriously still sleeping?” Hobi called from the door, chuckling as he watched Yoongi bury his face in your hair. You cracked an eye and looked over at him, you reached a hand out and motioned for him to join the two of you still in bed. Hobi chuckled before walking over to the bed and sliding under the covers, snuggling closer to you. You were face to face with the brilliant sun, and it was almost too much for you but you forced yourself to continue looking at him. Taking the time to study his features, noticing his heart shaped smile, and the smooth planes of his face. You reached up to trace a finger over his cheek, Hobi sighed and closed his eyes, scooting impossibly closer to you, his forehead coming to rest against yours, his hand reaching up to cup your face, his thumb rubbing across your cheek soothingly. You allowed your eyes to flutter closed as you drifted back to sleep. 

You awoke again to the sound of hushed whispers, giggles, and the click of a camera. Your eyes snapping open as you began to shake, you felt your heart pounding in your throat, as you scrambled to cover yourself, the all too familiar fear and panic causing you to shrink in on yourself. You squeezed your eyes shut, clutched your knees to your chest, your breathing coming in shallow spurts, tears flowing down your cheeks. You shrieked when you felt a hand on your back, whimpering and pleading for them to not hurt you. You were vaguely aware of the arms snaking around you to pull you tightly into a chest you would normally recognize without fail. All you could hear was the sound of one of someone sobbing, the sounds more like a wounded animal than human, it brought chills to your arms. You realized after a moment that the sound was coming from you, you felt your breathing align to the chest that was rising and falling calmly behind you.

You tried to hear past the sound of your pulse in your ears, to focus on the calm, deep voice that was doing it’s best to soothe you. Slowly you could begin to hear the words that were being whispered to you,

“Nabi, it’s okay. Jagi, we’re here with you. You’re safe. Everything is okay, sweetheart, just listen to my voice.” Yoongi was whispering, his arms still wrapped around you tightly, cuddling you into his chest. You were beginning to calm, your breathing returning to normal, you could feel your heart rate returning to normal. When you were able to open your eyes, understanding that you were still in Seoul, that you were safe, Hobi was still positioned in front of you. His eyes were wide with worry as he hesitantly reached out to cup your cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from your face. He placed a kiss on your forehead and you closed your eyes again, your face burning from the shame of what had just happened. 

“I’m sorry,” You managed to choke out, the words threatening to clamp off as your throat constricted from emotion. You shrank into the bed as a chorus of “no’s” and horrified “jagi’s” filled the air. You choked back another sob, turning to bury your face in Yoongi’s chest. Hobi reached forward to rub your back, you weren’t sure how long they let you lay like that but eventually Jin coaxed you out of bed and into the kitchen for breakfast, but not before the man helped you wash your face, and had you change into an over-sized, comfy sweater. 

After Breakfast Jin and Namjoon pulled you into his office to talk, you were shaking like a leaf as they sat you on the couch. You knew that this was going to be a talk about how you needed to leave, how they were ill equipped to help you handle your trauma and how, with their busy schedule, they didn’t want to deal with it after this morning's episode. 

“Nabi, we need to know what triggered your panic attack this morning,” Namjoon said softly, and you felt the tears well in your eyes. Jin moved to sit next to you, pulling you into his lap, as his fingers brushed softly through your hair. 

“I- I’ll try not to do it again, I’m so sorry…” You whimpered, bringing your hands up to press against your eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. You were sure you must look pathetic, and when you heard the strangled groan from Namjoon you were sure you must have aggravated him. How could you not? You were leaching off of them, using their clothes, taking up space in their home and their lives. You were a giant, useless burden and you couldn’t even appreciate their kindness. The sound of a camera shutter turning you into a panicked, sniveling mess, you were sure it must seem so stupid.

“Jagi, no. Please don’t apologize. We just want you to feel safe here, whatever happened to make you react that way? We want to make sure that, if it was caused by something we did, that we don’t do it again,” Namjoon explained calmly, he had moved to squat in front of you. He gently pulled your hands from your face, looking gently into your eyes before wiping your tears away himself. 

“Was it a nightmare? Was it waking up to someone in your face, or holding you? Were we too loud when we walked in to wake you?” He questioned softly, and you shook your head,

“It was the camera… they… they would take pictures of me. I don’t know who… but I thought I was back there,” You explained shakily and saw Namjoon visibly pale, and felt Jin tense from behind you.

“Do you know where you were, Jagi?” Namjoon questioned again, and you paused to think - did you know where you had been held? How could you remember them taking photos but not the faces of the men who held the camera? How could you not remember the room you were held in? You searched your brain for any kind of clue but all that faced you was a feeling of fear, a loose memory of the sounds of a camera shutter closing- of being trapped and crying. You couldn’t even say for sure if this was a real memory - a true memory. All you knew was that the sound of someone taking your photo filled you with an indescribable level of fear, and you weren’t sure if you’d ever be ready to know why.

“No- It’s just the noise. It’s terrifying. I don’t remember moments, just the sound,” You whispered, and Namjoon nodded, running his thumb over your cheek once more before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. 

“Alright, no more pictures. I’ll tell the other boys and we’ll make sure that’s not something you have to worry about anymore,” Namjoon stated as he stood, and you scrambled up after him.

“It’s okay, you guys do so much for me, you don’t have to say anything. I’ll work on it, I’ll get better. I-” Namjoon cut you off before you could continue, his arms wrapping around you to pull you into his chest, a hand coming up to caress the back of your head gently.

“Don’t worry so much Jagi. We want you to feel safe with us, we’ll do anything to make sure you can heal here,” Namjoon soothed you, you clung to him, relaxing further when Jin walked up behind you to press a kiss to the crown of your head.

“You’re always safe with us, Jagi,” You heard him whisper, unaware of the heavy glances shared between the two men. All you could think about was how you never wanted to leave the warmth of their embraces. You might not remember your past, but you would swear you had never felt more love in your life than in the moments you had shared with these seven men, and though you couldn’t possibly understand why - perhaps it was sharing a life with them for the last few weeks - you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that you had always had them as a lifeline to happier times.

Masterlist

#nabi #nabi chapter five #bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #kim namjoon x reader #kim namjoon x you #kim namjoon x your name #kim namjoon x y/n #namjoon x reader #namjoon x you #namjoon x your name #namjoon x y/n #kim seokjin x reader #kim seokjin x you #kim seokjin x your name #kim seokjin x y/n #jin x reader #jin x you #jin x your name #jin x y/n #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi x you #min yoongi x your name #min yoongi x y/n #yoongi x reader #yoongi x you #yoongi x your name #yoongi x y/n #park jimin x reader

[aotopmha]

Attack on Titan Chapter 123 Thoughts

I feel like this chapter was actually the most straight-forward chapter since Eren got his head blown off back in chapter 119 - for real this time.

The nuanced character writing and the context-driven, interpretation-based storytelling is still there in moments - I feel like Eren's character and the current situation needs that to work, but other than that, I think it's really self-explanatory and I actually welcome that.

AoT's meta level narrative structure is once again connected to the story's point, themes, emotional beats - after several chapters of a lot of fairly complex and dark material we get a little bit of a breather and so do the characters.

The chapter still has some heavy material (it kind of does end with Eren basically declaring to commit mass genocide) and you might argue the lightheartedness might be a little jarring in light of all the dark stuff that came before it and comes after it, but I really did welcome this as a breather.

As I said in my initial post, I think it also does have thematic significance in that it once again reminds us of the good in the world, I'd add to that, though, that, not only from the perspective of Eren picking those that are innocent to have this horrible fate, but also from the perspective of those he sees are worthy of his protection and showing what he sees as the good that is worth protecting.

He declares to commit mass genocide, but does it with the purpose of protecting those he loves.

This is also a twisted version of the standard "Shounen protagonist fights for everyone he cares about" idea.

I really admire how the story manages to twist these standard tropes while still feeling sincere, making sense and having a point character writing-wise - again, so many stories that try to twist tropes this way feel like they are just dark and shocking for the sake of being dark and shocking and with that comes insincerity and non-believability of the drama in the story and ultimately lack of investment in it.

I’ve seen comparisons of him to Lelouch around, but that series drove me away from the very first episode, so I can’t comment on those (I know the ending of that series, but I feel like I’d need the whole picture to truly comment), but I could talk about possible comparisons to Light Yagami (Eren even almost looks like Light in this chapter, too). While I think it fits in some ways (self-righteous young man executing his justice) and I think Light is an entertaining villain, I don't think he's nearly as complex as Eren or even as complex in a general sense as I often see people claim he is.

I feel like Light didn't really have an arc and had his mindset basically set from the start, he just gradually executed it on a increasingly larger scale. Light’s goal of justice didn’t really ever have any sort of goodness to it. Eren genuinely wishes to protect those he loves, Light’s “justice” is just unnuanced self-righteousness with a dash of god complex thrown in there. I’ve seen the argument that it’s the power of the Death Note that corrupted him around, but I feel like he had the same perspective from start to finish.

I think it’s an interesting comparison.

I think you could technically make a similar argument for Eren - you could see this as just an reinterpretation of his character, rather than development, but I myself feel like his path to this point is much more complex than that and depends of several factors and events leading up to this point in the story.

Despite all the talking about how Eren might've "never changed" by the characters, I think there was a character development process that lead Eren here.

He wasn't so accutely aware of the humanity of the "other side" he was fighting against back when he was a kid.

Again, I don't think Eren ever fought for freedom at specifically the *cost* of others before Marley. His desire for freedom back then felt much more neutral to me:

(Chapter 14)

There were elements of his cynical side showing here and there, just not to the extremes he goes to here.

He wasn't this pragmatic as his 15 year-old self, in fact, at one point, he was the one looking and wanting for other ways out than plain sacrifice:

(Chapter 25)

Chapter 25 specifically concerns him, but you can also see this in much more recent moments:

(Chapter 90)

Most importantly, though, here:

(Chapter 107)

I feel like, both, him understanding the impact of what he's about to do and the choice to destroy the world are character development results.

Him seeing the humanity of his enemies leads to the positive conclusions he comes to (his current, more nuanced world view) and him being surrounded by all this negativity and more importantly, his hyper-focus on this negativity induced by the many horrible things he has experienced himself and in his father's (and the other shifters') memories leads to him being unable to see any other way out of this than the one he chose here.

In this chapter, Eren couldn't see the beauty of the world and the one time he chose to do so, he did it with a sort of sense of finality and decisiveness.

He waited as long as he could bear, but from his perspective ultimately just didn’t see any other way out.

His negative and positive growth also sort of contradict each other - he understands what he's about to do is so horrible, but does it anyway.

You could see it as a contradiction coming from how his mind has twisted because of everything negative he has experienced, ranging from his trauma from loss to him gaining his father’s and other shifters’ memories. 

You could also, though, see this as a contradiction that might have more to it.

If Eren has enough perspective now to know what he's doing is horrible, why doesn't he have enough perspective to not commit mass genocide? Then, perhaps he does and there is more to his plan?

It's either that trauma and negativity is one hell of a mindscrewer and it's just his mind coming to very twisted conclusions or there is more to his plan.

My guess in the case of the second option would be that he's attempting to unite humanity against him (Willy already started this) and the purpose of his announcement is for all the Eldians across the world to inform everyone else and with that help them evacuate before the rumbling arrives at their location, giving the rest of the world more positive actions to go off of when judging the Eldians.

This could paint even all the Eldians on Paradis as victims of the "main villain" Eren Jaeger and the Titans and since this is something world-wide, this perspective could spread.

It's unbelievable everybody would listen because of the discrimination, but it's also unbelievable that nobody would listen as there are always at least some understandable and kind people out there.

We’ve seen this with the volunteers growing to see the Eldians as more human, we see this in Magath’s character arc and even in the small moment of the guards protecting Gabi. There is good in here, it’s just buried.

Perhaps there could’ve been peace at some point with some countries if Eren hadn’t acted as he did in Liberio. But at the same time Marley had their plan to attack Paradis in the near future to begin with, so even the small moments of goodness come with the constant caveat brought up over and over again of there being very little time.

What would you expect from Eren in this situation?

Eren framing himself as the villain could change nothing and it could change everything depending on how it's done and how deep the hatred against Eldians truly runs.

Perhaps some Eldians wouldn't even want to tell anyone anything because of how poorly they've been treated.

This plan would rely on the existing goodness on all sides.

Taking Eren down might need the combined strength of the Titan society in Marley, the Paradisians and the collected army of the world and the losses here might be massive enough where the aftermath might force some sort of changes to happen for this to never happen again, the only (very large) side note here, again, being that those proposed changes might just still involve the complete extermination of all Eldians after this.

Moving on from the larger scale stuff though, the other big, a little bit more interpretive scene of the chapter was Eren's moment with Mikasa.

I've been iffy about the possible romantic nature of their relationship since Grisha called Mikasa his daughter back in chapter 121 - if there was already a familial bond like that there, it really veers into squicky material to me, but it's still ambigious enough that I'm still letting it slide for now. It's only on Grisha's part still and Mikasa never calls Eren's parents her own parents - Carla is always auntie and Grisha is Dr. Yeager.

It's always been sort of awkward because of how Mikasa's backstory worked out, but for now I still consider it fine.

As far as that scene, though, as it's been like across the story, I feel like it's definitely shown as romantic on Mikasa's side, while I think it's similarly neutral as it's always been on Eren's side.

Much more important here is what it means, though - what could the subtext here be?

Did Eren look for confirmation for putting the idea/plan he had in mind in motion - confirming that Mikasa didn't care that strongly for him and thus wouldn't miss him that strongly/could defeat him when the time came for him to die (if that's the plan he's going with)?

Was it confirming to himself that what he's about to do would be worth it for if not nobody else, then at least her because she cared, not even necessarily about him, but in a general sense was a source of goodness within all this negativity he's been seeing, confirmation that Paradis was worth protecting at the cost of the rest of humanity because they were good and the others were bad, then actually looping back to his old attitude in some ways, basically looking for confirmation for his faith in the goodness of humanity?

Did he in his desparation turn to Mikasa to somehow give him another option to the one he saw or did he hope her answer would somehow change his mind when it came to executing his plan?

Maybe it was partially all these, maybe it was something entirely different, but I'm leaning on the third option the most myself.

It might just have been a secret cry for him to be protected from himself.

The gist of it seems to be him asking about the sincerity of Mikasa's feelings and whether she cares about him, doesn't matter if you see it as romantic or not.

I'm not sure if she could've changed anything because Eren was already isolated and stuck in his negative thoughts - a simple love confession wouldn’t fix all the baggage Eren has been collecting.

On the flip side, Armin thoughts when switching back to the present involved believing in the goodness in Eren - that he was on their side and he is, the problem is that Eren took his gained pragmatism too far.

Personally, I lean on the option of there being more to Eren's plan, but I can also see him just being stuck on just not seeing another option. He got his view of there not being another option confirmed many times across the 4 year timeskip and this chapter continued to show that to him.

Putting Eren aside, though, as said, this chapter was also the funnest and lightest since forever - the group reacting to a car, the group reacting to ice cream, Levi's interactions with the clown and everyone getting drunk was a blast.

It amplifies the tragedy, but is also fun.

As said, a lot of this chapter was actually very straight-forward. They all visit the outside world and have some fun and strange encounters with it. It was nice, but pretty simple so there isn’t actually much more for me to say about the more light-hearted elements of this chapter.

Finally, again on a less lighter note, I think this chapter sadly might've confirmed Historia's pregnancy. She seems to be in the Paths with a belly and since everyone's bodies seem to correspond to their real bodies in paths, unless there's something else to it, it feels like a pretty clearly-defined confirmation.

I could see Ymir undoing it, but I don't see how it could be fake now unless that girl in one of the final spreads of the chapter is a red herring and not Historia.

I think the best way the pregnancy could go to me is if it genuinely was Historia's decision (not her going back to her sacrifical self, but her very own sincere decision). You could still nitpick it to death and this plot point would have messy implications no matter what you do, but I think that would probably the best way it could go aside from her pregnancy being removed because it would at least in the very basics align with her arc.

Meanwhile, AoT continues to at least have my undivided attention because of Eren's very unique arc and the gripping plotting.

I thought this was a great chapter as what kind of chapter it set out to be - equally a breather and a setup chapter.

It had great staging, great lightheartedness and a great cliffhanger.

#Attack on Titan #Shingeki no Kyojin #AoT 123 #SnK 123 #Chapter 123 #AoT #SnK

[naruhearts]

14x10: Dean Free Will Winchester, Destiel, TFW, and the Only Win

Originally posted by michaeldean

*trips over feet*

I still have no proper words re: the seamless interconnections of TFW/Dean/Emotional Arc-centric meta that most of the meta community has already yelled and written extensively about since S12. 14x10 was a META EXPLOSION, my friends. I had complete chills!! Yockey’s magnificent soup lent us years of Dean/TFW-characteristic meta narratively realized like some colourful picnic basket of psychology.

I’m sure I missed some awesome stuff considering I haven’t rewatched it yet, but for now, here’s my semi-coherent first-impression thoughts (some of which I copy-pasted from twitter) under the cut!!

On the other hand, if you don’t want to read this massive post, it can be succinctly summarized in one phrase:

Originally posted by @intelligentshipper

Dean is the cage. Man, yes I know, the NARRATIVE WEIGHT AND SYMBOLISM OF DEAN LOCKING HIMSELF UP; Dean’s possibly in “physically rough shape” (translation: emotionally rough shape) inside the cage he built for himself. As the Master of Repression and Locking Up Emotions, this unhealthy psychological mechanism in this case becomes his controlled strength against the core of his trauma and everything Michael represents *points at Dean meta* therein lies the beautiful paradox of the human condition. Dean Humanity Winchester is the poster boy for it. It’s all led to this! Don’t you love when our characters undergo self-translation from unwanted/coerced destiny to chosen role (after Michael manipulated Dean’s freely given “Yes”. And recall the same key theme with Sam occupying the position of Gatekeeper to Hell re: Lucifer trauma in 14x01)? 

x

14x10 in itself offsets the rest of what we’re gonna see characteristically as per TFW’s individual narrative journeys (and Destiel arc; we’ve observed the continuation of Dean and Cas role reversals as per usual, with Mind!Pamela and Father Figure Michael serving as heavy-hitter Casifer-reminiscent exposition). “Nihilism” and “Damaged Goods” paired through subversion, where Dean going on a ‘suicide’ mission via imprisoning himself with Michael isn’t done out of SOLE low self-worth (don’t get me wrong, he still hasn’t fully emancipated himself yet) but mostly 50% low self-worth and 50% martyrdom for his loved ones. Toxic codependency is no longer the basis of Dean’s self-sacrificial choices, but LOVE AND…LOVE. However, Dean still assumes he deserves to imprison himself. Michael capitalizes on Dean’s depressive trauma and low self-worth in that his conditioning since childhood to internalize self-blame for Sam and Cas’ problems - the world’s problems - works in the Archangel’s favour. He both projects Dean’s fears onto Sam and Cas then breeds their self-doubt by framing them as lacking genuine altruistic value to Dean and hitting TFW where it hurts altogether. A double-double coffee of anguish. 

Here we come back to Michael’s overarching role this season as the Harbinger of Truth (as I wrote about when the season first began x x) 

Michael!Dean assumes he knows what people want, and yes, maybe in some respects he does in fact know, but I mentioned that he distorts a person’s sense of “worthiness to be saved” (oh, I wonder where I heard that previously) by exploiting their self-hate/respective mental uncertainty of their wants vs needs.

That’s the GOLD about Michael’s role: he’ll be uncovering an entire interpersonal discourse on the characters figuring out (and using their damn communicative skills to accentuate) what they WANT vs. NEED. Again, clarification of truths. 

In 14x10, we were largely reminded of Michael and his intrinsic link to S14′s themes and TFW (copy-pasted from my 14x01 review meta; meta builds and builds on itself!):

WHAT DO YOU WANT, A New Beginning (a New World Order, a Better World in Michael’s case reminiscent of S6/7 like I expected. Michael is the absolute antithetical figure to Dean Humanity Winchester, who is blinded by authoritarianism), Love Is Weakness (Love is also STRENGTH, and different kinds of love exist, where we see more singular vs plural dialogue e.g. Cas’ “You have me. You have all of us”) and Family Is Unity.The fact that Michael is the one asking people what they want, specifically directing it to Anael the Destiel/Cas mirror (which she was in 13x13), bodes VERY well for me. He’s going to hold a key overarching position in the clarification of truths and Want Vs Need for TFW with significant flavours of past Eldritch Expositional Big Bads like Amara. Anael is feeling a lack of kinship. She desires belonging. A home. And it’s all very human of her. Because of this emotionality, Anael has FALLEN.

What is your truth? Confront your truth. Accept what you see in the mirror (like I was saying the other day) and glue that broken reflection back together into something empowering. Honest. Genuine. Self-actualizing. And considering Dean is imprisoned within his own body (confinement/imprisonment was again tangible across the episode both plot, visual, and characteristic-wise where TFW, impacted by Dean the Heart Hero’s absence, left a gloomy sense of detachment, helplessness, expendability, and failure internalization) and considering Dean is no doubt hearing Michael reiterate this main thematic question has me buzzing with the joys of self-introspection!!

What do you want, Dean Winchester? What do you want, Cas? What does everyone want?

**Michael additionally gauges the purity of potential recruits for his Supermonster army via hunger. What are you hungry for? What do you crave? Seemingly calls back to S5 Famine and the emptiness derived from losing something alongside experiencing trauma. And when Michael offers you the misleading opportunity, will you take it? Are you worthy? Michael distorts worthiness (Dean’s worthiness; indeed, Dean fills the episode’s negative spaces) by exploiting self-hate. Cas enhances (Dean’s) worthiness by providing freedom.

The “turning point” between Dean and Cas in 12 may actually be Dean saying goodbye (then perhaps finding out about Cas’ deal; we shall see). This could call back to 11x23, where Dean was also surrounded by his family pre-sacrifice. Dean thinking he needs to “die” - to lock himself up - in order for them to win may segue into TFW “wishing” things were different, thus somehow inducing John’s return (and possibly Chuck’s re: Daddy Issues) in 14x13.

Dean wasn’t left alone at the end of the episode. His family - Sam and Cas - were there with him as the wonderful antithesis re: Michael isolating Dean. Separating family ends up unifying family, BUT like I said above, he was still able to hit them where it hurt. Michael the Manipulator used words to twist their thoughts into self-doubt - sow self-discord, yet TFW worked as a unit to strike back. Lessons learned: stronger together, weaker apart.

x

Sam and Cas occupying the dark Empty-parallel space in Dean’s mind. His MIND was an EXPOSÉ. ALL THE TRAUMA, and it’s incredibly significant that we observed Cas scanning Dean’s traumatic memories (obviously he’s an angel, but the meta undercurrents of this killed me). Cas has now actually seen/felt/heard Dean’s trauma, anguish, and long-running depression instead of Dean using his words to tell him about such trauma; it’s ingenious storytelling, not to mention Sam introspecting over Dean’s own trauma in order to find him was SUPER uplifting and META ironic --> Finding Dean involves happiness. Most importantly, Cas was witness to Dean’s low self-worth, negative self-process, failure internalization, and fear of the future without blinking, yet he also displayed total worry, compassion, and barely concealed panic - as if he couldn’t bear to think about the multilayered traumatic prison that Michael trapped Dean within. Sam said “Dean is strong.” Cas replies that Dean is “more than strong.” To Cas, Dean’s strength of mind, body, and soul shines, and this is why he’s in love with this man - his charge. He loves him in the face of his trauma and past mistakes. Once I have time, I should discuss the memories we heard, but of course they involve his time in Hell (and his S3 mirror telling him he will become a demon. Moc/Demon!Dean callbacks). 

CAS: So much. So much trauma in Dean’s mind. There’s so many scars.

SAM: Well yeah. Dean’s been through a lot, but he’s strong.

CAS: Sam...you’ve both been through a lot, and Dean is more than strong [...] Because Michael has Dean trapped away - drowning - I have to wade through Dean’s most terrible memories.

SAM: Would Michael bury Dean in trauma? Michael said it himself. The reason he left Dean in the first place was because Dean was fighting back so hard. 

CAS: So if Michael wanted to keep Dean placated--

SAM: Dean thrives on trauma. He’s had to his whole life. It keeps him alert -- keeps him ready. But if I wanted to distract Dean, I’d give him something he’s never had before.

CAS: Contentment. 

x

(**Sam’s right, but he’s also wrong. Dean “thrived” on trauma because he had to as the consequence of a misguided John-imbued childhood, where he mostly skipped over the innocent era of being a healthily developing child and became an adult overnight: father, mother, and brother rolled into one. A good little soldier, and he created various masks of performativity in response to trauma. Multiple tiny seeds of self-doubt grew into worthless that then bred emotional misarticulation, repression, and psychological instability. x)

14x10 majorly ties into SPN’s season-long storytelling commentary on TFW’s perception of Happiness and the overarching themes of Happiness vs Sadness. Cas stated to Jack how The Life™ rarely gives oneself happiness last episode. Ultimately, can you believe Dean’s accrued trauma has been textualized like this?! 

Michael knows that Dean has never been happy. 

Dean never lets himself have what he wants to have nor be who he wants to be. He is entrapped by fearing real happiness, and his trauma holds him back from achieving what he wants - continues to make him believe that he doesn’t deserve to be content.

And Dean certainly wants Cas. He is fully cognizant and self-aware of this fact. Narratively reconsolidated in musical exposition by the Marshall Tucker Band’s “Searchin’ for a Rainbow”, Dean searches for the rainbow endlessly, but he’s uncertain…afraid of the wind’s flow (and his internalization of low self-worth remains –> he believes “all good things come to an end”. Temporary contentment, where he’s undeserving of such good things as epitomized by real estate woman who wants to infringe on Dean’s property/dream; ‘sell it out’ literally and figuratively).

Either Dean will find his pot of gold waiting for him, or he won’t, and this is the underlying star-crossed literary beauty of the D/C narrative.

Dean’s sick of pretending. He WANTS the wind to show him the way, but we must remember that, in an episode rich with the concept of authorial authority - writing your own fate and ever-glaring Free Will - he NEEDS to blow the wind himself. If he just allows himself to believe that he can have true happiness, then he will.

*I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR META-INTROSPECTION!* 

Michael’s “I Am You” —> Dean knows he is Michael - the reflection who embodies all the dark parts of himself, just like Dark!Kaia underlined - but he also knows he isn’t Michael, and Dean will use it to his advantage. Dean has what Michael lacks: FAMILY. x

“EVEN GOD CAN DIE.” This cracks open so many parental absenteeism eggs. Cas’ conversation with Michael over Chuck, the ultimate deadbeat absent father figure, was simply an outlet for Michael to attribute his self-righteously immoral actions to his fatherly abandonment. Bitterness. And Cas, more humanized than ever, is aware of Michael’s shortcoming: “confusing loyalty and compassion with weakness”, thus these perceived “weaknesses” are foils to Michael’s preference for isolation, solitude, mercilessness, betrayal, and hatred.

 MICHAEL: Playing nursemaid to a nephilim. Nothing like the Castiel I knew. He would’ve never been so...anemic. 

Loyalty and compassion are human traits - despised by most angels such as Naomi and Ishim; belittled by Michael - that Cas recognizes and practices. *human!Cas feelings* He has evolved, and as I said in my 14x01 Cas meta: 

Earth [is] the true home of Cas the Fish, which bridges his intrinsically human emotionality/disposition as an ex-Angel of The Lord to his sense of belonging. Growing legs to replace fins. Evolution of character. And Dean Winchester, right from their point of contact in Perdition, was the driving spark for his evolution.

“It’s all you,” Dean says to his reflection in the mirror, a repeated mantra, as Michael tries to break out of Dean’s mind, bringing my pre-14x01 meta of MIRRORS to light!! Dean confronted the reflection of himself that he has always hated, where the deep-seated worthlessness that he must eliminate is buried with Michael -- the narrative embodiment of Dean’s toxic shackles: predeterminism, Brodependency, parental absenteeism, repression, toxic misemotionality, and blunt tool expendability as his father’s hammer and society’s hammer. I adore Dean’s consistent self-awareness over the seasons as he learns to differentiate what he can and cannot control. And Michael is jailed inside a FRIDGE *light bulb explodes* It’s time to achieve self-actualization. Sure progress.

DEAN’S “ROCKY’S BAR” EASTER EGGS, MIND!PAMELA BARNES AND DESTIEL

Rocky’s Bar (Rocky & Bullwinkle & Friends!!) was an EASTER EGG meta dream set by Wanek, with thematic colours of blue (depression, loneliness, and isolation -- blue is immediately evoked as soon as Dean starts gaining self-awareness of his past trauma-laden life and remembers the real Pamela), dim reds and somber yellows. GOOD STUFF!!

@intelligentshipper​ wrote/gathered superb colour meta on this consistent palette of Self + Depression this season - RED || BLUE & YELLOW || I’ve also briefly touched upon the recurring hues that we saw in another hardcore meta episode: Scoobynatural 13x16.

Hello bisexual colours (pink, purple, blue in this setting; observe the metaphor of this very moment - Repressive Toxic Past/Paternal Figure Michael wrestling for dominance over Dean. We live in a meta world.)

Without sounding redundant, here’s the list of Easter Eggs by sasquatchandleatherjackets/mittensmorgul. 14x10 bursts with so much symbolism that it warrants >2 rewatches!

SEARCHIN’ FOR A RAINBOW by the Marshall Tucker Band playing in Dean’s bar (see above):

I rode into town today In my mind, I said 'Lord I'd like to stay' Something in me said boy, move on Don't know what it is the good lord bred it in my bones

And I'm searchin for a rainbow, and if the wind ever shows me where to go, you'd be waiting at the end and I know, I'd see the hill with that pot of gold.

This old mount I'm ridin', she's gettin' kinda' tired But in my heart she knows there's this one desire She's gonna' take me to the end of our road

One of my favourites: the Daphne Loves Fred carved on the bar counter!! Fred, who represented Dean’s healthy masculinity -- was loved by Daphne, the dual counterpart of Dean’s non-repression: the side of him that adores wearing pink nightgown dresses, pink satin panties, vegetable water, romcoms and romance novels...the side of him that adores and embodies everything defined as “feminine” within a heternormative patriarchy. Reiterating past meta, Daphne also symbolized the traditional poster woman he should be attracted to, but never truly obtains for himself. Why? Because his true desires break tradition, and Dean’s subconscious knows this. They break his harrowing past of repression and psychological toxicity. They throw away what John Winchester wanted for him. x

 And in this--

FB = Winchester “Family Business” = Jensen’s Family Business Beer Co, with FOX RYE and (phallic-shaped) COSMIC COWBOY as FBBC drinks (and the latter evoking 13x06 Space Cowboy and Cowboy!Cas. This episode, guys. WOW.) 

Moving onto Michael’s subtextually telling construct of Pamela Barnes --

x

Mind!Pamela, well, she blew MY mind! @thetwistedwillow already describes amazing crucial points here. And let me provide commentary on the riveting and pertinent subtextual D/C double whammy of their office scene together:

DEAN: How come you always have a boyfriend?

PAMELA: How come you only want what you can’t have? You don’t want me -- you just like to flirt. Besides, I’m a psychic, so I kinda know.

DEAN: All right.

Mind!Pamela asking Dean why he only wants what he can’t have, linked to Pamela having a boyfriend, establishes romantic connotations. Pamela was D/C exposition.

There’s truth in jokes. Pamela's lines to Dean could be construed as genuine interest, but Yockey actually shot that down via Pamela confirming that the flirting is just for fun, with Dean not actually wanting her, and it nudges at the Destiel context. To me, if you move this outside the D/C context, it would make no sense, because the real Pamela did kiss Dean. They had a passing attraction to each other. Why not have them kiss again, then? Well, Pamela encapsulated both Dean’s subconscious psyche and Michael’s mouthpiece. And by Freudian design, both Dean and Michael know who he truly wants. 

Cas is once again ensconced in the negative spaces.

Keeping in mind that Michael has seen Dean’s memories and feelings via possessing him, Michael’s construct of Pamela in the bar setting was, in certain respects, his unsaid Empty-parallel statement: “I know who you love - what you fear.”

Dean wants what he can’t have. He still thinks he doesn’t deserve Cas, and indeed, in his heart of hearts - in the deepest crevices of his being - Michael knows (like most Expositional Eldritch Villains do e.g. S11 Amara) who he loves and what he fears (manipulating Dean’s fears into snake-tongued attacks on Sam and Cas; those statements aren’t true, but human beings are contradictory, and Dean thinking such things about them long ago can still plant self-doubt today, but TFW are strong, and it’s all about conquering negative self-process to come out on the other side unscathed. I mean oh boy, we thought Lucifer was the prime expert on manipulation. Michael’s just as bad as his brother, if not worse.)

Dean is in love with the angel “who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition” (spot-on impersonation by Jensen) and Michael knowing the exact words then punches me in the feels because it’s a profound line...the iconic line verbalized by Cas to Dean in 4x10 Lazarus Rising that offset their love story later on. It’s the prime beginning.

x

To me, Michael hereby implies that he saw Dean’s memory of the first time he set his eyes upon Cas, and that it’s a highly valued memory which caused Michael to taunt it in the first place.

Like others have already pointed out as well, Dean’s memory of Pamela shows True!Form Cas blinding her in 4x01, and that certain memory, on an intriguing note, successfully breaks Dean out of the dream construct.

Since I don’t want to subject my readers to longer rambling, more of my meta on Pamela Barnes, Destiel, and the 13x06 Tombstone M/F Destiel-coded cowboy cutouts in Dean’s Mind Bar can be found here (with some repeated points that you’ve read throughout this post): http://naruhearts.tumblr.com/post/182144879031/14x10-destiel-cowboys-and-pamela-barnes

- - - - 

TL;DR sign me up for the necessary pain!! All the TFW storytelling threads of the last few seasons consistently pushing SPN’s primary themes of Family, Unity, Love and…Love, New Beginnings, Self-Actualization and, of course, mental/emotional CATHARSIS from the old toxic past, will come together. 

On another Destiel-adjacent note: Dean and Cas, their narratives running parallel to each other like they always have (especially since S12), are making the toughest, selfless, and sacrificial choices to save their loved ones (via Michael and Empty) and achieve the greatest win of all: living, hoping, and trusting interdependently.

And then Sam -- additionally making an impossible non-toxic codependent decision that I definitely believe is him giving Dean the go-ahead for self-imprisonment -- will encounter John in Endverse-adjacent AU!AU. *rubs hands together* CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AHEAD.

DEAN’S CAGE/SARCOPHAGUS, 14x11 PROMO, AND FREE WILL

(Screenshot by me from my TV lol)

Obviously we saw very little of 14x11. But I saw enough to flail over it!! 

Dean built a coffin - a sarcophagus for himself. A Pandora’s Box, as coined by @thetwistedwillow who also screamed with me in terms of the heartbreaking circular narrative of Dean’s S14 ‘burial’: simultaneously punishing himself and protecting the world from his failures --> the dual subtext of Dean’s return to ashes that naturally leads to resurrection. Lazarus Rising to Lazarus Dying. 

x

Aka Dean imprisoning himself via isolation on his own free will and ultimately subverting Michael’s efforts to imprison Dean via coercion and possession.

I can’t even believe the sheer metaphorical symbolism of this!! CLOSET!BOX. Seriously. Again, years of Dean meta (and queer Dean meta) roped together in an angsty paradoxical basket by Yockey and co.

For Dean to emancipate himself—and save his loved ones + the world—he’s gotta imprison himself with the current source of his trauma (Michael) as well as deconstruct and deal with all the other remaining trauma he bottled up. Lazarus will rise again.

As Billie says, every single one of Dean’s endgame deaths were rewritten (this textualized TFW as the harbingers of their own destiny, where Dean himself “broke enough rules” to get his endgames rewritten!! I can’t tell you enough how gorgeous that is.), and they all end the same way, with Michael breaking free and using Dean to burn the world to the ground...EXCEPT FOR ONE.

(I had to) x

x

Guys, I’m burning with curiosity!! What endgame did Dean see? Utter shock was written across his face -- an intense disbelief and surprised demeanor, topped off with what seemed like tears in his eyes -- that gave me pause. 

DEAN: What am I supposed to do with this?

BILLIE: That’s up to you.

That’s up to you --> Anubis said: Death, the reapers, and even God have no say. All the rules? All the cosmic constraints? They’re just useless in itself. They pass away. There are no rules. TFW “broke the rules” over and over and over again because they can.

A person’s choices in life dictate their fate.

“It’s about the journey, not the destination.”

In 4x03 In The Beginning (this title, y’all - authors and stories!!), no matter what Dean did to try and kill Azazel so that the subsequent murders of Mary’s parents, John, and the penultimate deal to resurrect John at poor Sammy’s expense are avoided, Dean realized that he could not alter Mary’s choices. Azazel still ended up poisoning Sam with demon blood. He couldn't influence her endgame because she wrote it herself in conjunction with external parties Cupid and Heaven (huh, forced free will paradox). At the same time, Mary’s journey invokes the key subverted difference of the Dean/Cas vs Mary/John parallel narrative which is fundamentally important to remember -- Free Will vs Destiny. Chosen Love vs Fated Love. Mary freely operated on fate’s influence, while Dean and Cas’ first meeting proliferated into a love story no one has ever foreseen, where they both defied subservient expectations and destiny fulfillment. 

From the first point of contact, Dean and Cas seared their influence upon the other in the form of a profound brand. 

x

Dean and Cas can make their own choices -- and have done so -- outside of predetermined plans for them. Dean and Cas’ love in itself blossomed out of free choice. Through rough seas, high tides, bright beaches, and hellfire, their love proved impervious. It was impervious to Heaven, Hell, reapers, and any supernatural force we’ve observed that tried to split them apart over the course of the show.

Attempting to constrain (Love and...) love, the greatest and most powerful force in the universe, is impossible.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics: chaos in the universe, which is the ultimate isolated system, only increases and never decreases.

Cosmic constraints all boil down to, well, nothing. We write our own fates. Michael failed to understand this concept. Destiel/TFW weren’t “defying” rules but acting as human beings with inherent agency the whole time. They are the authors and actors of their lives. Heaven/Hell despised humanity’s free will, when God’s miracle was truly his “mistake”: his draft worlds and giving humans free will. The flawed drafts = the universe becoming increasingly more chaotic.

It’s futile to enforce constraints, labels, and norms. Dean is absolutely narratively framed as the prime Death. The death one encounters depends on one’s choices.

In sum, Dean must LET IT GO. Do what you want to do, not what you need to do, though they go hand-in-hand. Drawing upon the last few seasons pertaining to baptism of the Self and interpersonal relationships, this includes communication, transparency, and quality time together.

x

As I’ve said here regarding 14x07 and Jack’s mirror role: 

We had these wonderfully poignant moments pushing back Dean’s performance: exposing the core of his heart wrapped up in the walls of trauma, guilt, and crippled self-process. Dean sees his Free Self, who is waiting…encouraging him to let go and live life to the fullest.

His Free Self is starting to break the water’s surface — has been doing so this entire cathartic S14 narrative of looking in the mirror (actively hammered down in 14x04/5/6).

Dean’s realizing that yes, life may not be all these big, amazing moments. There’s numerous valleys of pain, horror and death. But there’s also numerous rivers of optimism and joy (hello to the river they visited in this episode. It pretty much re-consolidated SPN’s Rebirth/New Beginning themes carrying over from S12: a baptism of the self and interpersonal relations). Family and friendship. Faith and love. He simply needs to cast his line, catch the fish Cas, and pull it out of water for good aka make the dreams, wants, and desires reality.

As @thetwistedwillow pointed out, Dean’s initial offer to head out to a potential hookup bar was a foil for Jack the Non-Performative mirror of Dean: the wingman move winking at the old (DYING) remnants of his John-polished performativity and calling back to Dean bringing newly minted Cas to the brothel in Free to Be You and Me, in that the night took an unexpectedly not-salacious but sentimental turn. That night, Dean hasn’t laughed so hard in years, even with his own brother.

8 years later, Jack knew what Dean’s heart truly wanted. He felt it. Jack rejected the hookup offer precisely because — just last episode — he perceived Dean’s natural tune. It was casual sex, shacking up, and adios (yes postmodernmulticolouredcloak) no longer. It was romance and courting before dating, which involved emotional exploration and ding ding ding, spending time together (also both on the familial and romantic levels -> BEING THERE with Dean: the key gesture conveying that he deeply matters to you, and you matter to him). Jack wanted the same thing, too.

It all comes full circle. Free to be you and me indeed, since Dean’s almost free of John’s ghost, as a father, brother, and husband. We’ll be here to witness his complete emancipation.

14x10 textualized Free Will and the neverending stories of neverending stories of neverending stories: we can do what we want by formulating our own rules, and each individual has a moral compass influenced by their differing experiences.

Whatever Dean’s seen -- we don’t know what he saw, and we may not EVER know, and it’s literally pure conjecture at this point, but for the sake of meta speculation...legitimate HAPPINESS? His dream bar epitomized in real life but even better, where the realism of it involves not having to sell out ANYTHING nor sell out HIMSELF? Retirement? Dying from old age? Marrying Cas? The ACTUAL beach, toes in the sand, umbrella drinks, with matching Hawaiian shirts? General BAD things leading to good things? Yes, this is Supernatural, and as Cas put it in 14x09: no one can experience permanent happiness in The Life™ , but recall subversion. Death preceding Life - the natural cycle - persists. Dabb & Co have created an SPN narrative plethora of New Beginning cyclism for a while now, so of course I have no doubt that a positive endgame is in the cards -- whatever Dean’s read has stimulated Dean’s motives to build his sarcophagus. He thinks he has an idea of what to do to get to this endgame or (what I expect/hope is) Happy Death?

Heck, in the 14x10 context of Author God, writing drafts, and reaper books -- what if his ending is: 

TA-DA!

It’s up to Dean to write his own ending. He has a blank slate as Author of his life.

The possibility of this blank slate ending as a win at first glance seems to entail the worst kind of choice -- since we all know repressing your trauma and emotions aka locking yourself up breeds maladaptive unhealthiness in the long run -- but it’s an absolutely necessary choice. The final countdown before self-actualization.

I kept saying it last season and I’ll say it again --

Dean Depressed Winchester must “die” so that Dean Self-Actualized Winchester can live. Dean building Pandora’s Box - CLOSET!BOX - for himself is LITERALLY an amalgamation of ‘Deal with your Trauma & Self’.

He should open the closet of happiness, embody self-acceptance, and go after what makes him happy -- what makes him psychologically wholesome, for Cas himself, Dean’s narrative half, tells the truth of his root fears: 

x

Dean does deserve to be saved. He deserves happiness in all of its variant forms -- the eclectic rainbow of beach vacations, retirement, Rocky’s Bar, finding romantic love -- and he must try to believe it himself. His closet!box is the catalytic literal/metaphorical object for this chief realization. 

And to emphasize how important the burial is regarding Dean’s psychological progression, ta-da, my 13x20 Dean meta still applies today, primary themes carried over into S14 by Dabb & Co:

And what are Dean’s WINS (plural) by dying? Saving people instead of losing people–saving Mary, Jack, Sam, and Cas. Saving the world. Reuniting his family unit. Interacting instead of performing. OUTING INSTEAD OF HIDING. HIGH DEPRESSIONLESS SELF-WORTH INSTEAD OF LOW DEPRESSIVE SELF-WORTH.

Better yet, Dean will undergo character development in relation to his loved ones (and Cas). With high self-worth, Dean’s capable of learning how to value HIMSELF independently. In turn, without personal obstacles he’ll learn how to sustain HEALTHY interdependent relationships and COMMUNICATION as well as learn how to WHOLLY GIVE HIMSELF to others (Cas).

Tell Cas he’s not expendable, Dean. Disclose the real reason YOU “needed him back”. Expose your feelings, choose Want over Need, and push away your rejection fears! Cas loves you dearly—let him know that his love for you is reciprocated. Nothing but good things ahead!!

And that’s the mystery of life: to live is to die. To die is to live. By “dying”, Dean saves his loved ones. He saves the world. He saves Cas, his romance-coded (sub)textual lover, Jack his son, and Sam his brother -- his family.

He saves himself. 

His mind, his rules.

And Dean doesn’t know FOR SURE if this burial choice will lead to a win -- neither do we know if he’ll go through with it until 14x11 airs -- but that’s AGENCY, my friends. It’s the meat of particular Time Travel Is Bad tropes: if we know our ending, life loses meaning. The choices we make to get there loses value. Humanity loses unpredictability. Ergo the journey through life - the POINT of living - is about executing choices and taking chances.

"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do." - Camus, Absurdism 

The biggest reminder governing my SPN viewing as it had last season:

#my meta #my stuff #narrative #long post for ts #character development #adding more tags later I'm omw to work! #destiel #deancas #Season Daddy Issues 14 #catharsis #parallels #Reflections #spn s14 #14x10 #supernatural #narrative symmetry #I should add some pool table meta next time! #SO MANY THINGS #spn s14 speculation #spn spoilers #tfw #sam winchester #performing!dean #bisexual dean #bisexual dean winchester #Season Who Am 14 #Dean Depressed Winchester must die so that Dean Self-Actualized Winchester can live #Dean's Mind Bar #this is a yockey appreciation blog #this is a dabb appreciation blog

[pilotheather]

aye, really starting to loathe the “yaz kills either graham/ryan whilst under the dalek influence” like-

1. first of all. hate this presumption that graham/ryan have to die. personally, im fine with companions dying - clara’s penultimate exit in face the raven was done beautifully, i think, and i will FOREVER resent them not leaving it like that. however with graham and ryan? literally, i just feel like... it’s so cheap. it offers nothing, babes! and it’s just infinitely LESS interesting than if you just kept them alive.

all the companions, in my opinions, still lack development. i do love them! i really am warming to them. but we’re two seasons in, and the fact of the matter remains they just... haven’t gelled too well with the show proper and they aren’t as fully realised as they should be by this point. and frankly, its not one singular problem moreso it’s an interwoven web of issues (hence it’s hard to really unpick that, without unravelling the whole mess) that have affected the show completely. the point is, despite being here so long, they just still feel so unexplored as people and a little unknown to us and idk!!! i think killing them, wouldn’t offer much in the way of anything interesting - other than, like i said, a very cheap way to instigate tragedy, and springboard some trauma-induced development for yaz&13 - because we aren’t really gaining more than we’re losing here, man.

clara’s exit in face the raven WORKED because it had been building up to it all season. i also dont like amy/rory’s exits (but that’s v potentially my own biases) but theoretically, i can see the vision for that- and the reason why that would be so tragic, is BECAUSE amy&rory are so fully formed at tht point that that loss hits. im not sayin graham&ryan dying would NOT be sad, but it’s... just too soon, still, for me. and when, narratively speaking, they’ve been setting up them thinking about leaving anyway? at least, ryan has? just doesn’t feel quite right at all and just like i said: a pointless attempt, at taking their exits, and doing weird tragedy shit with it for the sake of it.

especially when the ALTERNATIVE is they can stay on in the same way martha did: on earth, totally fine, and with the opportunity to reappear in later seasons. they can progress offscreen in ways that can be satisfying, in the way martha did. she moved on; she became someone different; and yet that change was still guided by what we had seen. same can be done with ryan and graham, finishing their stories and making them all the more satisfying.

2. piggybacking off of that. literally, this scenario of yaz killing them: what would that DO for yaz exactly? like.. what big payoff are u expecting from her? you’re just... horrifically traumatising her. and im wondering, like- where would that leave her in s13?  because she’s supposed to still be here, then, and supposedly travelling with the doctor. and again it just feels so damn cheap: because yaz really does still feel like she’s at the beginning of her story, despite being here for two years (and god am i a little mad abt that; it’s so, so sad that she really could be replaced with a cardboard cutout for most of s11). explore what we HAVE of her, first, before trying to go so damn dark with her. it’s not going to have the payoff you want. you have to work a bit more, to do something like that first. using some fucked up shit like that, just as a springboard for character development it just- it feels so damn lazy to me...  and again, i do not feasibly see how this could properly segue into s13 on that damn note. like the conse

3. and just... god in general. i just. okay again with chibbers and his writing. literally i dont want to sound so negative abt chibnall bc like SOME ppl really do just fucking attack . KILL. over every damn thing, without a breath and its like... okay babe. okay. and i mean, granted i can be a little like tht with moffat tbh - and so  i get ppl do get a little FERVENT when it comes to shit they dont like but- BUT MY POINT IS. i really dont hate-hate this era of who. s7 will still be my least favourite, even if i do still regard this all as bottom of the pile stuff- and that is frustrating, because it really does have potential! but anyway god. what was my fucking point. oh yeah. chibnall. if this was the case.... if this really did fucking happen. god no offence but fucking hell i do not trust chibnall to treat such a heavy scene well enough. not with the way s11 and s12 have been. and its just because... again this is all the WEB OF ISSUES with these seasons... but all of it just boils down to: every single script really needed a second or third pass over. ITS LIKE, things are kinda right, but its always jsut...wrong and its soi many things that just dont quite work and  instead all work in tandem to bring this ship down.

too many companions, leading to a bloated tardis; leading to none of them getting enough focus; leading to weaker characters whose dynamics with each other aren’t always hitting. there’s swathes of s12, where the doctor is just completely disconnected from the companions altogether. she just doesnt talk to them. and there’s a difference between her being detached, and her just.... LITERALLT FORGETTING THEY EXIST. i remember- was it ryan who disappears at one poimt, and she JUST DOESNT NOTICE? and then all of them disappear in fugitive? like its just so... the companion-docgtor relationship is so INTEGRAL to the whole show!!! it makes story beats less effective; not even that, the whole energy is brought down, because they just don’t TALK properly (and the dialogue... good god, is it stiff: and whilst i hated 11′s era of mutated LOL THAT’S SO RANDOM. THE HORSE IS NAMED SUSAN. BOWTIES FEZ FEZ HOW MANY MARKETABLE RANDOM SHIT CAN WE THROW AT THE PAAAGE it felt like characters were bouncing off each other... there’s now these long pauses, places where it should have been snappier, awkward remarks thrown in there and then) . it, again, bloats EVERYTHING bc half the time you have to just give stuff for these ppl to do and its like man, why! why ! its all so.... sloppy in a way that’s sad bc it was ALMOST right. things are ALMOST right here but it doesnt QUITE work and it needs pulling together into something neater, tighter.  AND GIVEN ALL OF THAT. i do not think, with the way he’s been handling things, this man would ever be capable of pulling off something as fucked up like that in a way that has any weight even disregarding the two above points

4 lastly. just fucking dont kill ryan man. c’mon. how many main, black characters have we had? hmm, let’s see. martha, mickey, danny, bill. we’re going at a 50% survival rate, with the other two facing pretty poor treatment in the writing room in general. no, im not letting it go: you cant literally refer to mickey, who was the first, like, leading black character on the show, as a fucking DOG repeatedly.  if you’re gonna decide to diversify the tardis, pay your dues; dont fucking axe him for what, again, really just feels like empty emotional tortureporn. ryan deserves better.

#egg.txt

[redorblue]

The Goldfinch, by Donna Tartt

Boy was I hyped for this book. I read The Secret History in September (twice) and had to keep myself from making a shrine to Donna Tartt, so when I finally got my hands on The Goldfinch (which is a Pulitzer Prize winner no less) I was very, very excited. Which, as I keep forgetting, is not a good way to start a new book. So... It’s not like this book was a waste of time, and who am I to criticize a Pulitzer book anyway, but to me it’s definitely not as good as The Secret History, and at times I found it very hard to keep going.

Let’s start with what I liked though. I like how Donna Tartt writes relationships. I read an interview with her the other day where she says that she’s less interested in writing romance than other kinds of relationships. So far I’ve read two of her three novels (and at least in those two it’s very obvious that she doesn’t find romance all that interesting) and I’m very grateful to come across an author who doesn’t treat romance as the end-all-be-all. Granted, her depiction of friendship and family, and really her books in general, are rather dark and I dare say pessimistic, but still, it’s refreshing and superbly done. The main friendship here is the one between the protagonist and narrator, Theo, and his childhood friend Boris whom he meets a few weeks after his mother’s death in a terrorist attack (not committed by Islamists. Thanks, Donna). They soon become the only fixed point in each other’s lives in a solitary world of neglectful and violent fathers and absent/dead mothers. Objectively speaking, neither one is a good influence on the other: Boris is an alcoholic at the tender age of 13 and introduces Theo to a whole lot of other disreputable substances, as well as petty crime, and Theo’s self-destructive behaviour only exacerbates Boris’ tendency toward recklessness. But despite all that they form a strong friendship (with some romantic subtext here and there) based on a deep understanding of the other’s character, and morals aside, it’s really beautiful to see how far they would go for the other. I’d still say that they’re bad for each other and that their relationship is destructive at its core, but not because it’s a bad friendship - rather because their respective personal issues inadvertently make the other’s worse and also have a negative impact on their environment. Actually I think that’s true for most of Donna Tartt’s characters: They’re not really bad people (by whatever standards), and their issues don’t make them bad people either; it’s more the specific combinations in stressful situations that produce bad outcomes for them and others.

Another important relationship in The Goldfinch is the one between Theo and several parental figures: his mother (dead, which leaves him deeply scarred), Mrs Barbour who takes him in for a while after his mother’s death, his father (a relationship that haunts Theo his entire life), and Hobie, his guardian. It’s a rather tired trope to kill the protagonist’s mother in order to induce personal trauma, but I think in this case it’s very well executed and although we only meet her for a few short pages, she feels like a real, layered person instead of some sacrificial lamb meant only to create manpain. Her death, and specifically the manner of her death (the terrorist attack, during which Theo is also injured) leaves a huge hole in his heart and causes a whole bunch of mental health issues, but the reason for that is that we know first hand what a great person, and great mother, she was, and that’s what makes Theo’s pain over her death so relatable. (spoilers) His father, on the other hand, remains rather one-dimensional although he gets a lot more screen time. The only thing I know about him now is that he’s an abusive, unreliable coward, and honestly that’s enough, the less said about him the better. What’s really interesting is not him as a character, but his relationship with Theo, specifically how Theo recognizes (or thinks he recognizes) his father in his every action and urge and how it contributes to his self-loathing and carelessness about his destructive impulses.

So Theo’s biological parents are abusive and/or deceased, which is why he turns to other parent-aged people, namely Mrs. Barbour and Hobie. Especially Theo’s relationship with Mrs. Barbour becomes a bit obsessive, to the point where he mainly agrees to marry his girlfriend (Mrs. Barbour’s daughter) in order to please Mrs. Barbour, but in general they have a positive influence on Theo’s life. Theo has severe mommy/daddy issues and is very insecure toward them since subconciously he always thinks they’ll kick him out, even when he’s financially independent and an adult himself, so he always does his very best to hide his inner torment from them. Of course this is not a good thing in general, but it forces Theo to keep up appearances, to keep it together at least superficially, and I’m pretty sure it’s the only thing that keeps his drug addiction from escalating so much that it impairs his ability to function. They don’t know enough about what’s going on inside him, maybe also turned a blind eye a bit too often in an effort to see what they hoped to see and respect his privacy, but at least he didn’t end up as another body in the gutter, dead from heroin overdose, which would very likely have happened without them.

Lastly, there’s the romantic relationships, if you can call them that. The one with Kitsey (the woman he almost marries) is not really romantic; if anything, Theo’s in love with the idea of being in love with her, and the sense of normalcy that comes with it. It’s quite obvious that he doesn’t really know her, and she doesn’t really know him, and they’re both not remotely interested in changing that since it would mean letting their facades of a normal life without emotional trauma drop, and they’re both not ready for that. Not with each other anyway. They get along well enough when they’re alone although they don’t seem to share any interests, but they’re definitely not marrying for love but rather for convenience.

Theo’s relationship with Pippa, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. I dare say it’s not so much love but obsession that binds him to her, stemming from an emotional connection because of shared trauma (she was a survivor of the same terrorist attack that killed Theo’s mother and left him injured). Theo knows a lot about Pippa, they can talk to each other and they share interests - which would be perfect if in his mind she wasn’t so inextricably linked to his guilt complex about the loss of his mother, and if she reciprocated the feeling. Which thankfully she doesn’t (to that extent, at least; it leaves her enough reason to see things as they are) because she understands very well that what they both need in their lives is not another unstable person. She doesn’t cut ties with him entirely because after all they share many experiences and mean a lot ot each other, but she continually makes it clear that she doesn’t want to be with him - which doesn’t stop him from developing a more or less respectful, but very unhealthy obsession about her. However, while I don’t see anything remotely romantic or cute in this kind of relationship, I like how Donna Tartt executes it. Theo’s relationship with Pippa could very easily be turned into something that the reader is supposed to find romantic - the lonely, broken man pining for his childhood sweetheart - but it’s not. It’s shown for what it is: unhealthy, obsessive, damaging to both of them, a curse rather than a blessing. Which for me makes it all the more interesting, if painful, to observe.

So. Obviously, I liked the interactions between the characters and how they all make so much sense considering their personal backstories. What I didn’t like was mainly the length of it. For the entire 800+ pages the reader is stuck in Theo’s head, and let me tell you, it’s not pleasant in there. On the one hand, descriptions of drug abuse are simply not my thing, I don’t like spending a lot of time in the head of someone who’s constantly on alcohol, painkillers, cocaine and what have you. It’s doubly not my thing if the character in question is 13 years old. The part in Vegas dragged so much I was seriously tempted to put the book down, which goes against my every principle as a bibliophile. It got better when Theo was grown up because the problems of a twenty-something are more interesting to me than those of a teenager - but not much better. Because Theo keeps making the wrong choices (only one wrong choice, really) over and over again, and worse, he keeps whining about all the missed turns. Yes, it makes sense in terms of his character, someone who’s so cagey about personal information doesn’t just walk up to his guardian one day and tells him that he accidentally stole a 65 Mio. Dollar painting - but on the long term it’s so frustrating I kept wanting to shake some sense into him. Theo isn’t a take-charge character (even in the end it was thanks to Boris that the painting finally got back where it belonged), he’s someone who just floats along while wistfully looking at all the missed chances, but there’s only so much I can take of such an approach to life. And it’s definitely less than 800+ pages.

#2018 #the goldfinch #donna tartt #book review

[antojai]

Healing yourself from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with Alternative Medicine

Healing yourself from PTSD with Alternative Medicine!

My personal journey

PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), Is one of the toughest conditions I have personally had to deal with. For years it haunted me, taking away my peace. It was during those years that I decided to put my expertise of medical Shamanism to good use. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want to test the full range of healing that could come from Shamanic Medicine.  I told myself that I had helped so many people with different conditions because I had healed myself first. Which eventually gave me knowledge to help other people dealing with those blockages I had conquered.  I saw a PTSD as nothing different. As a shaman, it is a custom to heal yourself from your past demons, current emotional blockages, and any subconscious hindrance that is stopping you from living to your truest potential. The following advice comes from three years of my personal battle with PTSD. This is what helped me get my life back, so I could go back to being who I really was.

For those of you unfamiliar with post-traumatic stress disorder, it’s a condition that comes after experiencing a traumatic event.  Some events have greater weight than others, and it’s those events that can leave a haunting impression on us.  PTSD is most commonly seen in soldiers, but is not limited to war. Child abuse can lead to PTSD, and other social scars can do the same thing.  The results are uncontrollable flashbacks. These flashbacks can be extremely vivid, throwing the person back to the moment that caused their trauma. For some it completely immobilizes them, and for others it makes living extremely difficult. You may feel an uncontrollable urge to sleep for several days, all while having nightmares and confusing thoughts. Those are only some of the blockages that at person with PTSD can be facing.

For me personally, I would sleep for days… with no energy to eat, shower, or other.  My friends would have to wake me, and help me with the most basic of things. If not, I would sleep like a fairytale character cursed by some witch.  My dreams became so frequent, and vivid, that I would wake up at times questioning what was fact from fiction.  There’re times where I would begin reliving a memory, but then the effects of dreaming would tamper with the memory.  There were days where I would spend the entire day trying to sort out what wasn’t part of a dream.  My fear, was letting the dream take control over my psyche, my reality. I was most certain that insanity would be the result if I slipped.  If I didn’t experience lapses in my memory, I would have dreams of an epic battle that I was in the middle of. For those of you familiar with Dragon ball Z (anime show), I was always in the final showdown with Broly… the legendary super Saiyan. If he one, I would sleep for another few days; if I won, I would have a few days to a week of regular living.  It became a priority to never lose this battle. It was after I won, that I would dedicate myself to cherishing every actual living moment I had.

Even when I wasn’t sleeping, I was far from free. The PTSD kept me terrified in anxiety of leaving my home alone, or in general.  As a result, the network of people that I had spent years building dissipated.  Surely depression followed.  When I did step outside of my house, usually with a friend, I would have moments where I would be shopping for groceries and suddenly find myself reliving a flashback. To the rest of the world, it looked like I checked out. This made it impossible for me to drive, and only made it more difficult to leave the house because I found myself checking out during walks. It had to stop!

That’s when I decided to put all of my training, and knowledge to finding the escape route. I had been accustomed to different states of mind during meditation, and interdimensional travel…. but nothing like this.  I had to engineer a plan to escape my own subconscious. My mind would just remember all my masters, and this felt like a final exam I hadn’t studied for.

So here we GO!

1.     Resolve, & Knowing

You have to be dedicated to healing yourself. You need to be real with yourself. Know that this will not go away in a day, month, or year even. Healing takes time, and that time is dependent on you. I hope that these tools speed up your recovery, and if you find anything else that helps…share them with us! Remember to motivate yourself. The illusion of failure here is simply that, an illusion. YOU CAN DO THIS!

& Don’t you ever forget it.

Other articles might tell you to have faith, I won’t. Faith, is in a way, to force yourself to believe it will work. I’m telling you to KNOW it will work. The law of attraction and manifestation highlight that your mind has incredible power. If you’re mentally sure that you will get better, the universe has no other option but to respond. We can’t manifest cures at will, but we can manifest our well-being. This is your strongest tool. Positive thoughts, and energy behind everything you do. Most of us visit a Western doctor, and just trust that they know what they’re doing. Some of us even know that a western doctor will do something for us to make us better. It’s the exact same in the situation.

 2.     Support

I would say that this is a requirement …. But, everyone’s situation is different. You need to get your support system involved. If your support system knows about your goals to better yourself, they can keep you motivated. Tell them what approach you would like to take (holistic or other), and develop a plan for success!

 3.     Feng Shui & Color Therapy

Feng shui is the art of arranging belongings in your home in ways that produce, and maintain the flow of positive energy. It’s a lot easier than many make it out to be. I’ll even give you a map to use. I personally love to use crystals over a ton of furniture rearrangement. The one thing I tell everyone about furniture is to make sure that you can’t see yourself in the mirror from your bed. If you can see yourself in the mirror while lying in bed, this will produce negative energy. The main thing about this form of therapy is having clean, open spaces.

By having less objects that interrupt the flow of energy, you can welcome in more positive energy. I essentially want you to find each area of the map within your house. The rooms may not be all on the same floor, so use common sense when mapping what rooms go where. The following list of stones placed in the correct areas of Feng Shui, will leave you baffled. Also, pay attention to the colors on the map that correspond to each room. This is where the color therapy comes in. The list below are some of the stones I use in my house.

Prosperity: Citrine, Pyrite, Jade

Fame: Sardonyx, Carnelian, Bronzite

Love: Rose Quartz, Moonstone, Coral

Family: Selenite, Malachite, Rose Quartz

Physical: Quartz, Celestite, Amethyst  

Children: Amethyst, Citrine, Sepentine 

Knowledge: Lapis, Septarian, Lodalite 

Career: Labradorite, Lodilite, Jade, 

Helpful: Citrine, Malacite, Sunstone

What is color therapy and how does it work? Color has a significant impact on the human mind, body, and soul. That’s why hospitals have certain colors to help with healing, or staying calm. This is a form of healing that is grossly overlooked due to its ease of access, and application. You can play sees colors in each room by painting walls, putting objects of that color in the room, or even something as simple as making your bedroom sheets that particular color. After some time, you will begin to notice a difference in yourself, your environment, and even those who live with you. My family absolutely loves it. So, I’ll even give you a nice breakdown of what each color can do for you.

 Red brings in vitality, sensuality, vigor, and confidence. It helps make you feel safe.

Orange stimulate sexuality, allows the ability to have more emotional control over yourself, and can stimulate creativity. It helps fight off feelings of guilt.

Yellow is great for mental focus, clarity, creativity, and transcendence of thought. It helps fight off feelings of shame.

Green helps calm the environment, mind, and body. It’s great for stress relief, healing of all kinds, and promoting healthy life choices. This color helps reinforce your feelings of love and progression from the past.

Blue helps calm the mind, is good for inducing sleep, and promotes the creation of sound. What I mean by this is that it encourages people to talk. Blue helps disarm the soul. It will open up the flow of knowledge available to you.

Purple is great for your intuition. It will heighten your senses, promotes creative problem solving, and allow you to see the bigger picture. Purple is great for stress relief, sleep, relaxation, aids in the creative arts that deal with writing.

White is a high healing color. Yeah - a lot of people have white in their house, but do you notice how much brighter a room is with the white on the walls? Since white is a combination of color, by wearing white you’re constantly exposing yourself to all the colors. Remember you don’t have to just wear it either.

·The last color I recommend, and is my favorite, gold. Though many healers will tell you that white is the master healing color, Gold is a high concentration of light and positive energy. Gold Will motivate you to succeed, and let go of any pesters that don’t really matter. Gold can make you feel great about yourself again, and about living. It will help you heal faster.

 4.     Plants! Green, Green, Green

I had always had the black hand of death with plants, (I know a shaman plant killer is WEIRD). I had read so much about Japanese forest medicine that my friends figured they would bring the concept to me. They helped me set up a few pots with plants I found beautiful. This in time grew on me. My plants were my pets, I could not ignore feeding them! So, I would start trying to force myself out of bed in the morning, JUST to water the plants. If I went back to sleep…it was a process. As time passed, waking up didn’t seem so heavy, my plant collection grew, and I began to see a shift in myself. If I couldn’t do it for myself, at least I could do it for my garden. The green would great me every morning, helping me change my mental progression each day. It’s safe to say that I am no longer the grim reaper of plants. Push yourself a little more each time, keep hope, and soon you will reap benefits too.

 5.     Service Dog

Like I said, getting out of the house was difficult beyond comprehension.  After some time with the plants, I felt like I could take on a small dog. I was home alone a lot, and since the plants managed to get me up in the mornings, I thought a dog my push me through my day. In time, Artemis became my service dog, and now we go everywhere together. He’s helped me with going out alone, without fear because I have him. If I’m ever anxious… he’s there with all his fluffiness to calm me down. With the help of Artemis, and Pokémon Go, I’m driving again! I only mention Pokémon because it really did motivate me to play. I was forced to go on walks with Art if I wanted to get more levels! So, if you hold a spot for Pokémon…try the combo and see where it goes.

Now, you are probably thinking that getting a service dog is ridiculously hard! Wrong. If you are someone who is blind, or needs a dog for those purposes…you need a professionally trained therapeutic dog. You want to get a service dog because they can go anywhere people are allowed, and cannot be turned down. Emotional support dogs can be turned down at public transportations, and are not considered a requirement for your health.

 What you need:

-Get a letter from a mental health professional stating that they recommend a service animal.

-Then get your gear! I went here to get my certificate, vest, and handler ID.

-Carry the prescription and ID with you at all times. No one has the right to ask you why you need the dog, but they can ask you what services the dog provides.

-Know your rights!

 RULES:

Your dog must abide by human customs. That means:

-No barking

-No eating off of floors

-No jumping on people

-The Animal has to be under the table by you at all times when sitting unless you have a medical condition that requires the dog on your lap

Your dog should be a hypoallergenic dog that sheds only once or twice a year, if at all.

If you can’t properly train your dog to follow basic commands, I suggest hiring a trainer.

I’ve always had dogs, so I knew what was needed to train Art. I did plenty of research when training so that no one could give me crap later about my service dog.

*FYI- not any dog is considered a service breed…like Pitbulls etc.

If you can’t properly handle a service animal, skip this step entirely because you make it harder for people who actually benefit from this form of healing.

     6.     Reiki & Antojai

Energy healing is on the rise in western society as of late, but it has been around for centuries. The bible even describes it when Jesus heals by touch. This goes for so many other dogmas, and philosophies. Scientifically, it has only been around since 1922, when Reiki was developed. Almost a century later, 94 years to be exact, Antojai was also developed. Each energy style is great on its own, but it’s when they are put in combination that the definition of energy healing evolves.

Reiki stands for universal life energy. When a Reiki healer works on you, they are filling you with the energy that flows within all life across the universe. If you choose to try this non-invasive method, I would say trying a session first… and if you like it, LEARN IT! If you learn Reiki you will have it readily available at all times. Plus, you will save costs in the long term if you already have financial restraints.

Reiki will prepare your mind, body, and soul for a deeper stage of healing. If you are not used to energy healing, Reiki is the key to understanding energy medicine. This should be a consistent standard to your healing. I give myself Reiki every day. Think of it as a mega anti-depressant, and beyond. If you have body pain, reiki! If you are low on energy, reiki! If you are feeling negative in any way, reiki. You get the point.

Click here, or full detailed medical information about reiki by the University of Minnesota. Reiki gave me the energy I needed to pursue my healing process, and it made it much easier to walk that path.

Some reiki instructions can be expensive, $700+. I teach it in person, or by distance anywhere around the world at a fraction of that. Other courses take a weekend. My course is 2.5hrs, 3 TOPS! That’s how fast you can learn it. Reiki can be achieved by anyone who truly wishes to learn it. Everyone should have access to a form of healing, and it’s because of that reason that I teach it starting at $280/usd. Click here to set up your instruction now!

Now, not everyone can learn Antojai, but you should take advantage of it if you have access to a Antojai Master. I recommend it if you are already a frequent Reiki user, or if you need a deep healing to allow you to enjoy the benefits of reiki.

Antojai essentially targets the causes of your PTSD, and helps you with releasing ties to triggers. My condition was so bad I ended up trying western medications for a while before my research. As I began to apply Antojai to myself daily, I began to see changes in the ways I was thinking, the things I was inspired to do, and so much more. It was because of Antojai and Reiki that this healing suggestion is present today. Antojai opened full access to the components of my subconscious so I could address, heal, release, or erase the glitches within my subconscious. I was on 5 different medications, and today I’m down to 1. With Antojai and Reiki I was able to free myself from the depths of my own mind.

I began applying different signatures of Antojai to myself, and I would switch the signature in use every month. Month one was Kundalini, 2 Emotional Sacral, and so on. For seven months, I applied it to myself- and I’m a totally different person. I feel like I have my life again, and I can pursue being the person I have always aimed to be.

 7.     Subconscious Diving

Subconscious diving is the act of going within yourself to analyze the root causes of certain thoughts.  Some people need a hypnotherapist, or energy healer to help them through this kind of healing. It is possible for you to do it on your own though.

This technique doesn’t work for everyone, but if it does work for you… Take full advantage of it. I constantly dive within my own subconscious to understand myself better by analyzing my experiences. The experience doesn’t really matter where it took place, or when. The importance of this exercise is to understand why a particular effect was in play at that time. For instance:

In mid-college, I had moments where the world just seemed lost, and internally I didn’t know where I was either.  This memory use to pop up all the time at random. It wasn’t until I went into my subconscious, and addressed my past self, that I was able to release myself. I sat down with my past self and explain to him what the future holds. I told him that everything would be okay even though right now it doesn’t seem like it. After the first time doing this, I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, but it wasn’t fully gone. It took me another subconscious dive to that same memory, along with journaling to completely erase my ties to this moment that exacerbated my PTSD.

Not all of these modalities, and techniques will work for everyone, so go with what feels right.

 8.     Soul Retrieval

 So, retrieval is the act of going to a point in time where a vital portion of yourself was lost. This can be in a memory of a past life, your childhood, or something current that you didn’t even notice had taken a portion of you.

Most people need an energy healer, or a past life regression is to help them with this kind of healing. Some Reiki Masters can perform this kind of procedure.  If you are accustomed to meditation, you can do it yourself as well. Just go online and find the most popular book on Amazon that talks about the process of soul retrieval. This kind of healing can be very beneficial as it is a form of you putting yourself back together spiritually. This then transfers over to mental faculties, and finally physical.

This kind of healing should only be done when you feel ready for it. Your soul will let you know that you’re prepared to receive this kind of information. You may start hearing, seeing, or thinking about soul retrieval. This is an indication that you perhaps should try this method of healing. The results are completely different for everyone, since we each have our own personalized demons. Try it out!

 9.     Journal Transfer

The technique of journal transferring your emotions is something many people have done for centuries, and hidden from those of us who actually could benefit from it. It may take you little bit to get accustom to doing this style of healing, but once you start… it’ll be a lifesaver.  One major technique I use with journaling is analyzing my life. If I have an altercation with someone, but I just can’t shake it off, I write about it. I deconstruct the meanings behind the interactions, and I find my own rationale.

Other times, I may be faced with a flashback that randomly attacked to me. This is why I carry my journal with me everywhere. It has a pen attached to it that I absolutely love writing with, and my notebook itself is beautiful to look at. It’s the little details that draw me to it. You want to same affect with your journal. Connect with it, as it essentially is an extension of your soul. When I get hit by this flashback, I may be forced to lay down for a while, but I write everything that I can down. Even if it’s not in straight lines, or they’re half ideas… every bit you can get out helps. When you’re Flashback passes, you can look at these notes and deconstruct so many things from it. I’ll give you my example:

Many years ago, I knew this woman who was extremely dense in her ability to connect with other people through empathy. For some reason, I always felt like I had to do something for this woman, but every attempt was met with negativity. I couldn’t avoid her, so I saw no other options at the time. For some reason, it always bothered me not accepting the fact that this person was not worth my energy. That it wasn’t my responsibility to drag her from the depths of her own misery. This tiny detail has haunted me for years without me fully understanding why. When I finally wrote it down, it was as though I transferred the entire experience onto the paper. I was later able to deconstruct it with tree maps, and other methodologies that help you analyze a topic to find peace with this matter.

A moment trapped in history, that haunted my soul for some reason, that would put me down for a 2hour sleep… no longer surfaces. This kind of technique is similar to erasing a file on your computer, or rewriting it all together. This is a similar technique found in soul retrieval, and subconscious diving. I do not limit you to just one particular mode of detoxification. I do know there’re some people who cannot accept the metaphysical easily, and for you this journal technique is perfect. I’ve been doing this technique for over six months now, I love how it has released my mind from the monsters that haunted me.

Not every recollection will fall into a journaling category, interacting with your deepest portions. Feel no stigma, feel no shame because no one needs to know what you’re writing about. Remember, there are people who write every day. I only say this because when I began the journaling technique, I would feel as though I were being judged for being strange. No one judges a person reading a book. Apply that same concept to your writing.

I will be adding an instructional podcast for further assistance on this technique.

 10.  Forceful Courage

The world may make you feel out of place during your healing. REMEMBER, you are healing. It’s better than being a victim to the consequences of your condition. I'm not entirely healed, but I am determined to continue to fight. I wish you the very best on your journey, and feel free to reach out with any questions.

I leave you with this wonderful TED Talk by Eleanor Longden.

#ptsd alternative medicine #energy healing on ptsd #self help for ptsd #Antojai #Master Antojai #Antojai Shamanic Wellness #alternative medicine blog #psychic training blog #spiritual growth blog #alternative approaches to mental health #energy medicine on mental health #antojai on mental health #reiki on mental health #holistic approaches to mental health #spiritual health #Shaman Clawson MI 48017 #Medium Detroit MI 48226 #Psychic Birmingham MI 48009 #spiritual advisor #spiritual healer clawson mi 48017 #depression help #anxiety help #nightmare #self-help #spiritual therapy #spiritual power #spiritual life #spiritual blog #spiritual practices #spirituality

[semirahrose]

[1/6]Do you think Castiel’s aversion of violence and conflict after he took on Sam’s “madness” in S7 might be more than just a product of the horror and death that Godstiel caused but also a reflection of Sam’s Cage trauma? Cas said that he at first used to hallucinate Lucifer just like Sam but that changed after a while to whatever his own mind concocted and it got me thinking, what if there were other more subtle imprints of Sam’s experiences that didn’t fade or manifest differently but …

[2/6]… were still present in Cas’s crazed mind? Like wanting to run away from conflict? Again, Cas has plenty of reasons to get there on his own after the whole Godstiel situation but when “Emmanuel” remembered his past, he was deeply troubled and disturbed but it didn’t drive him to lose his mind. Taking on Sam’s hell memories induced hallucinations did. It does stand to reason that we can deduce some things about Sam from what we see from Cas afterwards, right …? I mean, it makes sense to …

[3/6]… me that a guy that has been brutally tortured for a minimum of 180 years would want to avoid all and any possibly hostile/violent/bloody situations. But Sam couldn’t get away from any of it because he got his hell memories back when they were in the midst of an apocalyptic level crisis that wouldn’t let up until it left him completely alone and I can’t help but wonder if he was white knuckling it through his repulsion and aversion of conflict/violence and just running on fumes …

[4/6]… (plus EVERYTHING else he was going through) for the sake of those who needed him despite wanting to run for the hills from all the bloodshed of the hunter life and then did precisely that the minute he lost all his reasons (Dean, Bobby, Cas) for hanging on? And this is a guy who already never liked the hunting life and is still the character least inclined to use violence unless he absolutely needs to. What if even his becoming less and less verbally confrontational in the later …

[5/6]… seasons, even in situation where his anger is justified, has less to do with him becoming more mellow/diplomatic and rather more to do with an unexamined and reflexive deeply embedded need to avoid conflict in whatever capacity the hunter life and his family dynamic will allow him? I am soooooooo sorry! This is such an incoherent half thought-out word salad! And I know that this is probably even too far-fetched to be called a headcanon, let alone it be substantiated by Canon, so do feel …

[6/6]…free to mercilessly quash down my mad ramblings! Just wanted your opinion since you are far more perceptive than I can ever hope to be so … thoughts? *sheepish grin* :D

Pshh, no way! You’re super perceptive and wonderful, and I’m honored that you’ve chosen to share your awesome thoughts and theories with me! 

I don’t know if Castiel’s reaction to taking on Sam’s hell memories had anything to do with Sam. It’s possible that having all that violence bouncing around in his head made him particularly averse to conflict, but even though Castiel is a powerful warrior, he has cared deeply for people from the beginning, and what happened to him when he took on Sam’s memories may only have been that part of him magnified by the trauma he took on. I honestly don’t know...

I really love your analysis of Sam! “And this is a guy who already never liked the hunting life and is still the character least inclined to use violence unless he absolutely needs to.” True! I imagine it’s possible that inflicting violence might have been especially hard after s7, but like you said, Sam has never really enjoyed the hunting life. Even though he is good at hunting and understands the necessity of it and the way it can help people, he has never gotten the same sense of fulfillment Dean gets from it. Dean seems to enjoy the thrill of taking down the bad guys. He doesn’t particularly savor the tough bits, like dealing with moral ambiguity and philosophical questions. Sam, in contrast, seems to enjoy the thrill of research and discovery. (He really would have made a great lawyer--Sam, going at the books for days on end, would have been perfectly at home.)

LOVE LOVE LOVE your theory about how Sam’s Hell experience might have been part of the reason why he became more passive and less verbally confrontational in later seasons. I think that’s a part of it, and I think the events of season 8 exacerbated it. Sam ended the season literally suicidal in his attempt to atone for his imagined sins against Dean. What happened with Gadreel and when Dean had the Mark only made it that much worse. Only in seasons 11 and 12 (inexplicably, without accompanying character development), have we seen him return to asserting himself.

What if even his becoming less and less verbally confrontational in the later seasons, even in situation where his anger is justified, has less to do with him becoming more mellow/diplomatic and rather more to do with an unexamined and reflexive deeply embedded need to avoid conflict in whatever capacity the hunter life and his family dynamic will allow him?

I agree with this absolutely, and well-said!

Thanks so much again for sharing your thoughts! I really like your analysis.

#anon be nice to yourself you are so well-spoken and perceptive! #<333 #not my meta #s7 #sam winchester #castiel #sam and trauma #sam speculation #anonymous #semirah replies

[incoherentham]

Strategic Review: August & September

Every month or so I do a review of how my life is going. I’m posting these here now

Positives:

Went to the CFAR Alumni reunion. Had INSIGHTS!!! Met Rohit.

I broke my phone just before going, and so could not use internet as a crutch for the whole weekend. My vague sense of malaise around unreflective tech adoption coalesced into a "Holy crap" realization that we have startlingly few protections against bad transformative innovations. INSIGHT!!

Val and Anna some talks that provided a shared context to better talk about ontologies. I had fun, and probably induced some hypomania, turning the umbral lense in on itself to spot wizardry and the seeds of godhood. (h/t Olivia Schaefer for playing out crazy ideas with me, and lending me a tarot deck.)

Joined an every-2-weeks circling group with Lauren H. I find it difficult to connect with at times, but the facilitator (Matt Porcelli) welcomed my feedback and personal theorizing on neurodivergence-aware circling variants.

Rediscovered kava for general anti-anxiety, rather than a social lubricant. Had several productive mornings/evenings from using it.

Got to talk more freely, comfortably about some of my deep fears with partners.

Cuddles with Rohit.

Had lovely campfire & friends nights at Codornices.

Starry-eyed at opening of Less Wrong 2.0. Any complaints I could (and do) make pale next to the sweet victory of having an active, funded revival team. <3 <3 <3

Bought a bike. (h/t Kava insights and a talk with Raymond.) Used it to more easily visit Rohit.

Made it to 2 Lyon Martin appointments, acquired testosterone.

Got my California DL again, and successfuly signed up for CalFresh and Medi-Cal.

For some reason I assumed the government 'knows' that I'm a super smart privileged person who 'should have no trouble getting a skilled job but is just lazy', and would only ever do anything under the pretence of raising kids or going to college.

Lauren interviewed with a bunch of places through Triplebyte, and we will have more options to exchange money for goods and services.

Discovered Text-To-Speech to read long-winded blog posts or gutenburg project books in the background.

Negatives:

Missed some social events in early August and felt really awful about it

I don't know if testosterone. Furthermore, I need to haul my butt all the way to SanFran to get it injected on a regular basis or take 3 classes for the privilege of anxiously stabbing myself.

Wanted to write a lesswrong post, thoughts kept scattering. Then I see LW posts making a point on the same topic more thoroughly and eloquently than I ever hoped to write. Very frustrating.

I do not feel able to acquire or keep a job at the moment, and this idea twists in my head to suffocating cruelty and shame and dread.

Metamours acting awkwardly around each other, and I don't have a private space.

Went to several parties. Felt alone at them.

The story

(Larger context)

I've felt lost since high school. I latched onto the local LW meetup for friendship and hope. I pushed myself to attend CFAR and the reunions. I moved to the bay. I still feel like I'm playing a losing game, always 10 steps behind where I need to be. I have not had a full time job until recently, when I moved back to Utah on promise of one. I struggled to stay at work and on task. They restructured, I went into full breakdown and quit. Came back home, and hated myself a bit for not knowing whether any of it was looking out for my wellbeing or shooting myself in the foot by giving up.

(Previously, up to the beginning of August)

I'd been trying to pull myself together with some new regularizing structure to my goals. I tried hard not to stress too much about things I wasn't getting done, but I still cared about empiricism and precision so I relegated all my worries into making bets with myself with the Jane Street protocol. I set desperate, reaching explicit goals to learn and deal with trauma and maintain an edge. I had fun with 36 questions, I got pissed at Hufflepuffs, I studied derivatives and parallel programming. But I felt keenly unprepared: I stressed out dealing with insurance, I saw anki cards I couldn't answer anymore and felt powerful loss. Looking forward, I hoped I could move my organizational structure out of high-maintainance systems and into my head, that I could develop a sense of time passing and master the skill of spontaneous plan generation. I worried I would get stuck on fidgety details instead of core progress on my higher goals.

(August)

I pared down my Anki decks hard, trying to establish independent thinking. It didn't seem to work, and instead I lost time. I couldn't remember my focus. I broke my phone before the CFAR reunion, and I had to go without my crutch at all. In light of Val's mythic mode series, I came to the realization the modern world stole my humanity in more ways and long before I'd yielded my judgment to an Anki exobrain.

(September)

I pushed myself to leave the house more. I visited houses, got high on stories with Olivia. Rohit kept pushing to see me, and offered me his space to fall apart safely in. I unwound my own twists a bit, and tried to recreate a bit of that space in other relationships as I realized how desperately I'd needed it. Lauren and I started to create a common vocabulary to talk about interactions. Circling pushed more things to the surface as well. Lauren got their own emotional stabilizers, and I tried kava to help capitalize on their new openness. I realized kava was useful enough as an anti-anxiety agent to help me make progress on things, like getting a bike or cleaning or catching up on strategic reviews. I've been unwinding and cuddling and delighting in LW 2.0.

Who am I now?

I am the Fool. I leave behind all other worldly possessions, for they are next to nothing on my journey. I am armed with only simple tools, each of which has weight beyond its appearance, and must face the world. My pen and notebook, my earplugs, a bike, a headband, a mealsquare in my pocket.

I am the Wandering Bard. I am torn between two homes, and somewhat misplaced in either. I am taking risks with brain chemistry and can't find it in myself to care. I know only a few small tricks and beg that it be enough to pay my lodgings. I see too many stories and not enough endings.

I am the Moon. Grasping for any solid truth, clinging with knuckles white to whatever data and tools I possess.

Where am I going?

Regularly Scheduled

LW Meetup Fridays

Circling Every Other Wednesday

Optional weight lifting MWF

Snuggles, chats, and visits whenever with partners

Planned

Lauren Interviews

Community Town Hall Sun 8

Injection Class

Show up for Jury duty

Community Town Hall Sun 22

TBD

Voice practice

Breaks from Kava

Relationship talks

Plotting, Writing

Household chores

Comment & Vote on LW

#Strategic Review

[greyliliy]

I hope this won't be annoying to talk about this in your asks, and if it is, of course ignore me. In your ABO fics it's funny how you've set up O!Izuku as being infertile and O!Katsuki as potentially fertile, but in their circumstances AMW has a better domestic set up for a baby even if O!Izuku mentally makes it dubious whereas in D introducing a baby would be a cruelty, a psychological ball and chain, I know angst and horror is what D is all about but a baby is already a passive weapon in a (a)

already toxic cocktail. Admittedly I am interested in how a baby would affect the claim game between the Alpha’s. Would it dissolve all interest, would they still want the Omega but leave the baby, would they have some infanticide urges that they have to quell or do they adopt the baby too. Tied to that, once a Alpha marks/imprints on a Omega (and still desires them) will they always have a possessive attitude towards them and how would that affect their attitudes regarding that O’s kids?

[Continued under a cut, ‘cause it’s a long one! :D]

Babies can add problems to the equation, and in O!Katsuki’s case, you can write him still being upset of his circumstance but now factoring in his child’s future, however the scariest chapters in D were 10-17, it was like reading the end of 1984 where you see a character lose themselves and it gets treated like a good thing and I guess my fears would be, you you go in the direction of a baby adding to that. Admittedly I am projecting my real life fear of babies and their toll, they are a huge responsibility and very selfish where the narrative and characters must be distorted to accommodate them such as in real life.

I am sure you probably appreciate how much of parents lives go to revolving around their kids and I can understand the attractive challenge of putting that into your dynamics and I think it’s really cool of you. In AMW that is a (seemingly) safe place to explore fictional babies. D, if a baby is going to be a good thing, the amount of character development needed for that to be a good thing, feels a long way off.

No matter how patient Deku was relative to other Alpha, him being the best of a bunch of bad choices and his controlling, restrictive, conformist attitude as you have written him, if he remains unchanged will make introducing have a baby with him, as a good thing, where the hero (Katsuki) abandons his values would be unsettling and contrived. If it is introduced as not good thing, like something forced upon Katsuki to further keep him from ever being a hero or further deteriorate his own free will and opens the discussion between Katsuki as himself versus the Omega biology.

It would still be hard to read but it wouldn’t be at the sacrifice of Katsuki as you’ve thus far portrayed him but instead introduce a new obstacle he has to work around as part of his life, it would keep him further from being a hero and be a physical and permanent reminder of his “new” life. However, babies are something you can’t go back from and if it’s induced under bad sentiment than that will hang over the baby e.g. Izuku destroys Kastuki’s birth control and rapes him to prove a point, than the baby will always be symbolic of that incredibly negative experience and since Izuku and Katsuki are endgame I highly doubt you would plan that. It’s more likely a “not good baby” of such nature would come from the first alpha since he threatened that before.

Izuku, despite his negative traits, wants Katsuki to accept his life on his own and and be happy; the problem is the whole cohesive circumstances and when we see Izuku’s patience snapping, it’s all antagonistic to Katsuki and his own trust in himself, and that can still be a unhealthy place to bring up a baby. Katsuki being cohered into thinking that is what he wants, which is sort of how the sex in the previous chapters felt, even if he liked it, he was pressured into it. Until Katsuki is not scared of Izuku, a baby between them will be strange because it will always feel like it has been forced on an unwilling or unsure Katsuki and that is still something that will hang over the child.

So I guess it’s about what you want a baby to mean in the story and how you’re going to work the characters up to that point. Even in AMW, a baby can still have cause for domestic drama and emotional turmoil but because both sides are well meaning it’s a better environment for a baby element to be introduced, no one is caged or destroying buildings or using Orders in a harmful way and they can sort things as they go.

If the end of D is Katsuki conforming and so lose himself with a baby to seal the deal of angst, that is an ending, not all endings need to be happy. Some readers will hate it, others will want more, the main thing is to write what you want. I am pretty sure I am just writing things you are already an expert on. They’re very different dynamics to add a baby into (all the more fun of a challenge), and people may have gushed for a baby in 'domestic fluff land with a dash of overcoming trauma condition past angst’ that is AMW but adding one to D, just because, it’s going to be hard, so I guess Good Luck is what I’m saying.

I am not sure how this spam came across and I hope it made sense. In other news, loved the Izuku and the warp gate update, tossing M!Kacchan over the shoulder because of his tired leggies was a nice detail.Hope to read more canon Kacchan as I thought you wrote him in character v. well.

*whistles* Long comment is long! And I love it. Asks about writing and fics are never annoying, so thank you. This was nice to read. Very thoughtful and it’s flattering to see this kinda thoughts come from reading my work. xD

I’m gonna’ answer the world building question first before I get into the Baby discussion:

As much as I love pushing the Alpha’s possessiveness lines to their extreme and kinda like reading A/B/O scenarios where Alpha have a desire to get rid of kids that aren’ theirs, that’s not happening in this universe. I gave Alpha enough problems in this universe and I’m not in the mood for that much angst. Debauchery’s got enough as it is.

So officially in this world, babies are a package deal with the Omega. So say an Alpha wants to take a mate from someone else and they already have kids, they’re taking both parent & children. Now, that’s a give over generalization and the level of affection new Alpha will give old Alpha’s kids is going to vary based on personality and relationships and all that, but generally it goes well. 

So in the hypothetical case of Bakugou becoming pregnant with someone else’s child, be it PR Alpha or Shigaraki or whatever, Deku would be fine with the kids. That probably won’t happen because–again–this thing is angsty enough without that extra level, but if I were to go that route, Deku would treat the kids like his own ‘cause he’s a good guy. But even if he were a bad guy, at worst he’d be indifferent (like in Jirou’s hypothetical case in the canon where she wanted a baby enough to raise the kid alone even if her Alpha wasn’t interested).

But as far as Alpha losing interest in a mate, that usually involves replacing the object of their affection/possessiveness with something else–which is the easiest route. The other one is “I got beaten down so hard by the other Alpha, I submitted completely and my brain gave up the other mate out of sheer self preservation.” It can be one, the other, or both, but Alpha can get pretty fixated.

It’s complicated and there’s always weird outliers (like Kirishima).

Now back to the baby discussion! :D

First: I am in no way, shape, or form an expert on pregnancy or children. (I’m sorry, I laughed a little bit toward that comment at the end where you thought I might be. XD).

What I am, is at that age where everyone I know my age either already has kid(s) or is planning to have kids, or is a grandparent and I hear not only about their kids, but their grandkids, and even the younger people I hang out with have siblings who have children.

So uh. I’m around kids a lot and it’s a topic I couldn’t avoid now even if I wanted to.

Add in that I’m at that age where if I do want kids of my own, I should be having them already. Like. Right now. That ticking biological clock can feel like a beast. I know you can have kids in your forties, but the longer you wait the worse it is and I’m forever trapped in “I kinda want kids, but I kinda don’t” undecided land which is a bad place to be. I don’t recommend it. At all.

So getting to write pregnancy as a great joy (AMW) and a terrifying horror (Deb.) at the same time just feels like it’d be cathartic experience. Especially since I get to explore it in the context of a fantasy society where I can exaggerate emotions and experiences past what’s realistic (though not by too much) and basically Do What I Want.

Because you’re not wrong, kids are a huge thing. They’re a brand new little life and tiny person that’s completely dependent on their parents and it’s a humbling and amazing thing, but also very scary.

In A Mate’s Worth, I still get to cover both, it’s just on the more, typical cliche domestic type: Being pregnant is Deku’s dream come true, but Katsuki gets to be the nervous new parent who was not prepared for that revelation. XD

While in Debauchery, I get to explore more of the Nature aspects of A/B/O and Katsuki dealing with the fact that as an Omega, he’s got some natural instincts that want kids pretty badly and he’s not cooperating. (To go along with the ones that are already there telling him to submit to Deku, etc.)

A baby would be Katsuki’s worst nightmare, so seeing him struggle with dealing with natural instincts that make him adore the little bundle in his hands crashing together with his “I hate being an Omega” struggles just feel like a fun (albeit horrifying) dynamic to explore.

And if it makes you feel better, I was just on the fence of a baby in Debauchery from the beginning, so it’s not a “just because” thought. Ha ha. There’s a reason in the prologue Deku’s excited about Bakugou being a “Beta” because it means he can have kids.

Deku has wanted kids with Katsuki in Debauchery since the beginning of the story, he’s just tactful enough not to have not brought it up to Katsuki’s face just yet. XD

Long answer short, I’m pretty decided on this happening, however it turns out, but I probably will go back and forth all the way up until the chapter before when it comes to added the tag knowing me. HA ha ha ha.

Thanks so much!! :D

(And thank you. XD Deku picking up M!Katsuki was one of my favorite parts. Ha ha ha ha.)

#Ask Liliy #Liliy Fanfic #I really should just tag the fics #at this point I'd be shocked if I didn't write them with kids.