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youngyoo-apologist · 27 days

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Writing fanfic with like 90% of the plot already planned is so funny but also so painful because every time there’s a mystery I purposefully put into the story as something that will be foreshadowed to revealed and revealed later in just praying people don’t think its a plot hole.

Like for example, the timeline OG Cale and Choi Han living in being different from TBoaH with some similarities. (The major differences being that Lily Henituse is alive, and while the rest of the continent took a pretty hard hit with the war, the Roan Kingdom managed to rebuild some of itself later in the war) , this one is so important because like, things aren’t supposed to be that way! I didn’t change canon for no reason! That happened for a reason! Guys! I swear!

Same thing with like KRS and OG Cale being able to hear eachother since they were young through their dreams, like that also has a reasoning behind it I promiseeee guys I swear😭😭 it’s like my biggest irrational fear that people will think that I’m just doing these things with nothing to back them up even though I know I shouldn’t rlly think abt it too much and just write the story like I intended 😭😭

I feel like a part of writing fanfic, especially LCF fanfic that makes me so nervous is the fact that canon is already and established and really well written universe. If things change, I feel like I need to make it OBVIOUS that they changed on purpose and not cause I’m changing things for the sake of changing them.

Sometimes I re read older chapters and go “wow, the delivery of this line sucked! I should re-write that slightly” because I’ve gotten better at phrasing things but WHAT IF ITS TOO LATEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 when I don’t have a limited vocabulary anymore it’s going to be the day I write something real good

Like I’m reading the early chaoters of [In the Borderline] and it’s like, FUCK some of these things just look like a dues ex machina even though they have reasons behind them.

I think a huge part of it is because of the wording, and how sudden everything is, I should have emphasized the characters confusion to these things to as a way to show that yes, things are off, BUT I DIDNT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS WRITING I FORGOT TO PROOF READ 😭😭😭😭 AND NOW ITS TOO LATEEE

Idk I’m just saying stuff at this point, but I guess my point is for a story like lcf, I want my fanfic to be something good becauee I really love lcf. I want to be able to write a story that shows how much I love the characters and things I want to see happening, but without erasing importance of characters or anything from TCF because I firmly believe that KRS is important no matter what.

There are things I will never change, like KRS being the one to name Raon, KRS being the children averaging whatever years old’s father, KRS having the silver shield(cause I think that’s like THE ancient power that represents him, that and Vitality of the Heart)

In a regression fic like [In the Borderline], where the time line has diverged so much, and in general is a fic that plays the long game when it comes to plot points, I just want it to be clear that everything happens for a reason and that I’ll never change KRS’s importance to the story, cause in that fic, OG Cale and KRS are both so important.

Choi Han too but he’s like, supposed to be cool and mysterious rn I can’t reveal too much abt him and TBoaH and why the world Cale and Choi Han lived in has so many differences from TboaH novel

#rambling #im just talking abt thoughts and feelings I have while writing my fic #and like my woes as a author #I know I shouldn’t care too much #but I just think abt it yknow #cause like I don’t play abt series I like #I love tcf #and I love KRS #and I love OG Cale #and I love Choi Han #and I love all the tcf characters except the ones I dont love #KRS is such an important character to me and I’m so worried that it’s going to come off as him not being as important as OG Cale #when that’s so not the case #it’s just taking so long to get to the cataclysm because the story starts off when the regression goes back to Cale and KRS being 14 #instead of 18 like it is in canon #WHICH ALSO HAPPENS FOR A REASON BTW #I should draw KRS #I miss him #sometimes he stresses me out and makes me feel like I’m going to cough out blood and grow gray hairs #because he never tells anyone anything #LIKE HIS HEALONG POWER #KIM ROKSOO PLEASE TELL SOMEONE ABOUT VITALITY OF THE HEART IM ACTUALLY LOSING IT #but I still love him #he’s such a good character #he’s also very hard to write and every day I hope I’m not making him ooc #on accident

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rose-petal-ink · 2 years

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Okay so, I was thinking about the post I made some time ago last month about how it’d be a game changer if Dorian told Basil about his decaying portrait and how it mentally affects him, and how they’d work on fixing the issue. I felt like writing a short fic just for fun to practice some writing and expand on a small idea I had. I wanted to pair a doodle with it that relates to the whole idea but for some reason I just couldn’t ✨art ✨and I don’t feel like frustrating myself further 😐. So now a small fic will ensue:

(Reminder: most of this isn’t accurate to the original novel. It just spans off from a little idea I had and is mostly consisted of little tidbits from my head canons for these two 💖)

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“We will try something else, Dorian,” said the disgruntled painter as he retired a brush to his easel.

Dorian Gray let out a half-frustrated, half-anxious sigh. He had been perched on a stool across from where Basil had stationed himself behind a large canvas and easel for hours now, sitting for a portrait that had already been completed years ago. Dorian dropped his perfectly poised self and slouched, letting his weight fall down onto the stool. He watched as Basil began to clean up his little work station, grabbing paint cans and shoving them inside of a crate.

“What else is there to try?” Dorian croaked. He brought a pale hand up to rub his tired eyes.

“We will figure something out. But for now let us settle down for the night. It’s far too late to keep you at it anyway,” replied Basil.

Dorian Gray exhaled slowly. He was about to offer his help to the painter but refrained when he reminded himself that he would instantly be denied. Basil typically never accepted help from anyone, especially Dorian—and especially when Dorian was in such a compromised state.

After sitting on the stool for another minute, Dorian decided to get up to make his way over to the divan just a few feet away from where he was. He looked at it, somewhat mapping his route there as if he were about to cross a rickety bridge over a volcano. There was nothing in his way, but he felt horrendously lightheaded and feared he would fall if he was not extra careful. Slowly he slid off of the seat. Just as he did so, he felt blood rush all throughout his head and blur his vision. He gripped the seat of the stool for a moment while he recomposed himself with a groan.

Immediately Basil turned around. “Are you alright?” he questioned.

“Yes, yes I’m alright, Basil,” Dorian murmured. He finally left the stool and inched his way over to the divan on which he flung himself. He brought a hand to his forehead. “I’m alright.”

Basil huffed in slight concern. Before picking up his paint palette, he passed the easel and stopped to gander at the portrait. Before him was the horrible picture of Dorian Gray that he painted years ago—only, he did not paint it that way. It did not look horrible when he first painted it, instead having shown the wonderful image of a young man in the prime of his youth, with a radiant smile and rosy lips and eyes as blue as the sky. Now the portrait was corroded, even down to the fibers of the canvas it was painted onto. The figure standing tall in the center wore a ghastly expression; his skin was grey and decayed; his hair was the color of hay that had been left out too long in the rain. The whole portrait looked like it had been vandalized, and it had, but not by hand. Years had passed between the completion of the portrait and that very moment in Basil Hallward’s studio, and the man seated on the divan had not aged one bit. Both Basil and Dorian very well knew the story, though, and resolved not to think about it in great detail as it brought anguish to them both, especially Dorian. Basil uttered a soft noise of acknowledgment.

“Oh stop looking at that damned canvas, would you, Basil?” Dorian groaned, feeling his friend’s worry and confusion from across the room.

“My apologies, Dorian. I just—my God, this is not something I ever thought could be possible in all my years,” said Basil. He turned away and continued cleaning up.

Dorian sighed. “It’s what I get for selling my soul, no? It was bound to happen, Basil.” He lowered himself further on the divan to lie down on his side. His head felt like a whirlwind and he tried shutting his eyes to combat the feeling.

“Don’t talk like that. You merely made the wish of an innocent boy whose mind was plagued with foolish ideologies. I told you not to listen to Harry.”

“Please, Basil; Harry hadn’t any idea what he was saying, either. After having seen me battle with this, he has completely changed the way he thinks. Trust me, Basil. I know you haven’t spoken to him in a while, but…he changed.”

Basil snorted, pushing up his spectacles with his right middle finger. He began to scrape the dried paint off of his palette with a palette knife. The sound of the knife against the palette made Dorian flinch and shudder.

“I don’t like what Harry has done to you,” Basil remarked after a moment of silence had gone by. His back was turned to Dorian.

Dorian Gray took one of the pillows on the divan and used it to shield his fragile eyes from any abrasive light shining from the ceiling’s lamps. He hugged it close to his face. “Harry did nothing to me, Basil. It was I who ruined myself. It was I who made that ‘innocent wish’ as you call it,” he said.

The painter hit Dorian with a fast rebuttal almost before Dorian could finish speaking. “No,” he said, quite authoritatively. “No. It was Harry who fed you such foolish ideas about life and youth and boyhood, and practically sold you on staying young forever as if he were the Devil himself.”

Removing the pillow just a tad, Dorian peeked at his friend across the studio. He looked at his broad shoulders, how stiff they were with concern and pummeling stress. He caught a glimpse of his frantic eyes and how they scanned over everything in the studio (especially the portrait). And he noticed, in the sea of jet black that made up Basil’s luscious curls, plentiful strands of grey hair that served as Dorian’s marker for how much time truly had passed. Basil was so youthful when he painted the portrait. It was as if whatever was happening to the portrait was also happening to Basil, not because of Dorian’s foolishness, but because of the worry he felt deep inside for Dorian Gray that eventually began to mar him physically. Anything decayed because of Dorian, it seemed.

“Basil, please,” Dorian mustered out with whatever voice he had left in him before it cracked. “Please stop it. Please come sit down. I don’t want to hear anymore talk about Harry or his ‘involvement’ with all of this. He is just as innocent as you are—as everyone is besides me. Now come sit.”

“Why, do you not feel well?” Basil questioned.

Almost instantly upon hearing his friend’s voice he was on high alert. He knew Dorian had not been feeling well ever since the portrait began to show its first signs of sin, and that no medicine could cure the anguish Dorian endured because of it. Seeing Dorian decline rapidly pierced Basil’s heart. Whenever Dorian began to feel unwell, Basil began to feel anxious. In turn he dropped his palette and knife and jumped to Dorian’s aid. He crouched down next to the divan.

“There you are,” Dorian sighed, relieved.

“Do you need anything? I could put on some tea, or see if the nighttime market is still open if you are hungry, or—“

“No. Just sit.”

Basil adjusted himself to sit on the wooden ground next to the divan.

“If I am going to retire for the night, so are you. You have been painting away at that portrait since”—Dorian peered at the grandfather clock in the corner of the room—“five-o’clock yesterday morning. It is now three-o’clock in the morning of the next day. Just relax; there is nothing more we can do.”

Basil shook his head. “We will try something else, Dorian. I promise,” he said.

With a shaky hand, Basil cupped Dorian’s soft cheek and rubbed it with this thumb. He brushed over Dorian’s faint freckles, eying them like they were constellations amidst a wide galaxy. Dorian was as beautiful as he was on the day Basil met him. He wondered how Dorian would look if he actually had aged in the years spanning between the completion of the portrait and that very moment in the studio. Probably just as beautiful if not even more beautiful.

“What else are we going to try, Basil? We have tried London’s best psychics, we have tried churches, and we have just tried painting over the impurities in the picture. What more can we do?” Dorian whispered, his exhausted blue eyes staring into Basil’s frantic brown ones.

“We will—“

“I don’t want to waste your time,” added Dorian. The volume of his voice rose from a whisper to a cracked mumble.

Bail was taken aback. “You are not wasting my time, Dorian,” he declared. “I willingly—“

“But I am. All we have been doing for months now is running around like lunatics, trying to erase the mistake I made. I should have never sought your help if it were going to be this time consuming and wear you down so much. I feel as though I have destroyed you and any beautiful thing in my path after I sold my soul away,” Dorian Gray spoke. Tears budded in his bloodshot eyes.

“You forget that you sought my help and I willingly gave it to you. You forget that I value you more than anything else, Dorian Gray. You have not destroyed me. There is nothing you could do to me, Dorian, that would destroy me. You are too much of an angel,” Basil said.

Dorian turned further in towards Basil as a small whimper escaped his mouth. He still hugged the pillow. “I am a devil, Basil. You forget that.”

“I won’t hear it. Listen to me, Dorian. I am helping you because I love you. If I did not love you, I would have never painted this portrait in the first place. I love you too much to stand by and watch you suffer under this mysterious curse. I am going to do anything and everything in my power to bring you out of it, whatever that may be,” declared the painter.

A singular tear rolled down Dorian’s cheek and onto Basil’s hand. It was wiped away immediately only for another few to follow. Dorian lied there in silence, hugging the pillow and staring down at the floor before him. He embraced the gentle pressure he felt on his cheek from Basil’s large hand. He felt safe for a split second when he gave into the feeling of Basil’s hand. But then when he looked back up at the painter and saw worried eyes, trembling lips, and grey hair, he shuddered at the wilted flower he killed.

“You have always been an incredibly selfless man, Basil Hallward,” he murmured.

“I have always loved you, Dorian Gray,” Basil returned.

The studio fell silent. Dorian turned back over to look at Basil directly in his eyes. He was a tad unsure of what exactly Basil had said, but it was no matter. He took the painter’s cheek and pulled him into a delicate yet full and ginger kiss. His hand sailed up from Basil’s cheek to the back of Basil’s head where it gently rested while their lips remained locked.

Basil was taken aback by the kiss but accepted it nonetheless, equally meeting Dorian halfway in the gesture. He found himself being unable to breathe properly but somehow managing to close his eyes and enjoy a kiss for once without being overly anxious about it.

After another moment or two, Dorian slowly pulled away, hand still planted on Basil’s cheek. He kept his face near the other’s just enough to whisper, “And I have always loved you too, Basil Hallward.”

The words made Basil melt. He smiled softly at Dorian Gray and shuddered at the sensation of his lips being brushed with Dorian’s thumb. He lowered himself down to lie his head on Dorian’s shoulder, just enough to allow Dorian most of the space but to also keep them both comfortable. Dorian’s hand ran up Basil’s back and to his hair; he played with the jet black, almost licorice-like locks, and took extra time playing with some of the grey strands he came across. Everyone he knew had grey hair for the most part except himself.

“Should I call us a cab to get home?” Basil questioned a moment later, rising from Dorian and the divan.

Dorian’s hand was still in Basil’s hair, ruffling it softly. “I am afraid I cannot move from this spot.”

“Are you not feeling well?”

“I feel as though I must faint or fall asleep, one of the two. I don’t want to risk anything.”

“Alright then. I will stay the night here with you.”

A sigh escaped Dorian’s mouth. “You are so sweet, but if you must go home—“

“No, I mustn’t. I can stay the night here with you,” said the painter matter-of-factly.

Dorian rubbed his sore eyes and smiled at the man next to him as best as he could. “Take that coat off first, at least; it’s got paint all over it.”

Basil looked down at the garment he was wearing: a brown coat that was not so brown anymore, instead a mix of colors ranging from blues to purples to oranges to yellows. He shrugged it off and tossed it to the side where it collapsed upon itself into a colorful pool on the floor. Basil also undid his orange tie just so he would be more comfortable.

“I think I have a spare change of clothes in the closet over there, Dorian, if you’d like to sleep in something other than your suit. I should have a large shirt, and a blanket somewhere,” Basil said.

Dorian flicked his wrist in place of shaking his dizzy head. He then began to undo his blue tie as well. “No, no, Basil. I’m fine just like this.” He hung his tie on the back cushions of the divan. “Now, where are you going to sleep?” he asked.

“Oh, right here,” said the painter, shuffling around in his little spot on the floor. “I hope you don’t mind but I want to stay close to you tonight…considering how you are feeling.”

Dorian Gray frowned. “I don’t mind at all but Basil, won’t you be uncomfortable? I won’t have you sleep on the floor… It is far too uncomfortable.”

“I’m comfortable so long as I’m next to you.”

The painter looked at him with sincerity and nodded slightly with his head. Dorian could not help but smile brightly at his friend. It was the brightest he had smiled in a long time, considering how he had been feeling for the past few years. To have a friend that would, under any circumstances, help him and stay next to him in his lowest moments meant more than the world to him. Basil in particular meant more than life to him.

“You truly are a selfless man…” Dorian mumbled. He wriggled around on the divan. “But I’m sure I could make at least some room for you if you needed—“

Basil put a firm but gentle hand on Dorian’s shoulder, grounding him and stopping him from any more movement. He simply shook his head and insistently said, “No, thank you. I appreciate your kindness but I cannot share that space with you. You are more in need of it than I am.”

“Then sleep on a chair at least?” suggested Dorian.

“I haven’t any real chairs, only stools. Now let’s stop this banter and get to sleep, Dorian. We are both terribly exhausted,” Basil said.

Basil removed his hand and Dorian settled down into the cushions of the divan. Dorian watched as Basil reached over for his previously discarded coat and began to fold it up into a lumpy square. He placed it where his head would lie.

A hand ran through Basil’s hair to slick it back, moving it away from his eyes. As he went down to unbutton his vest he began: “I apologize that I do not have a bed or a fuller sofa in here; this divan is all I—“

Dorian took a hold of Basil’s cheek and pulled both Basil and himself into a hearty, rich kiss. The painter, startled by the swift action, uttered a noise of confusion but was soon comforted by the soft hand on his cheek that ran its thumb in a loving, stroking motion. Basil’s stiff shoulders dropped and his brows settled right above his closed eyes. His hands inched up to hold Dorian’s arms; his grip was not too tight nor too loose, just loving and full. Dorian removed his hand from the other’s cheek to push up the spectacles obstructing him from fully pressing his face against Basil’s. Their noses scrunched up against each other’s cheeks. Dorian returned his hand to Basil’s face for the remainder of their kiss.

When they separated, Basil’s spectacles fell down onto the bridge of his nose. He adjusted them along with some ruffled parts of his beard where Dorian’s hand was. Dorian pulled his sore body back onto the divan and hugged a pillow close to his chest. His pale cheeks flushed a bright rose color. It was as if the kiss had breathed a bit of life into Dorian, returning him to the youthful man he once was just for a moment.

“The divan is fine, Basil, I can make do with it,” Dorian whispered.

“I promise I would offer you something better if I had it.”

“Hush, I don’t care. You already offer me the best.”

Basil shuffled around to lie down on the wooden floor. Carefully he placed his aching head on the makeshift pillow he constructed out of his coat, and wriggled around just enough so he could have a decent view of the man lying a few inches above him. He had to keep an eye on him during the night.

Basil went back to unbuttoning his vest. “Come morning I will go to the market to fetch us breakfast. Then I will try repairing the ripped parts of the canvas, maybe even call in another psychic or priest to look at it, one from Cambridge since we have tried most of the ones in London,” explained Basil.

A sigh escaped through Dorian’s parted lips. He subtly wiped away a tear that formed in the corner of one of his eyes. “I would not worry about the last part. You already have done so much for me and it has proven a failure, so stop while you are ahead. It has made itself clear to me that I must live like this for the rest of my life,” he replied, his voice dry and low.

The painter shook his head. “I am going to try everything until I run out of things to try, Dorian. I promise you, we will try something else if another doesn’t work. You do not deserve to live under this anguish. I am going to help you out of it,” he declared, his voice propelled by the thumping in his chest. His hand slowly crept upwards for Dorian’s, whose hand he squeezed tightly once received. Quietly, almost as if people were listening in, Basil raised his head to speak solely to Dorian. “I will do anything for you, Dorian Gray.”

Hearing Basil’s statement made Dorian shudder. Many people have declared such devotion to him over the years, just to all end in shambles and ruin because of him. Dorian knew he had already ruined Basil Hallward despite the man’s countering rebuttals. It was plain to see: Basil was exhausted, his hair was greying, and he was no longer the man he was when they first met. Dorian was confused as to why Basil continued to stay devoted to him and for a moment it plunged him into deep thought, but he was pulled out of it when he felt his hand being squeezed by the man lying beside and beneath him. Then he realized it.

Basil Hallward, unlike others, saw that Dorian Gray too was struggling. He saw that Dorian Gray was in pain as well, and it only came after he had caused others pain, after he had realized that he was acting on another’s dime, whether it was Lord Henry’s or whoever got a hold of him at whatever moment. Dorian Gray became the puppet to many masters. Many saw that he had become the master to many puppets. Basil saw how disheveled the marionette had become after letting so many masters pull on his strings, teaching him to become a master as well. Dorian Gray, in a sense, was used, chewed up, tossed to the curb, and Basil could see it all. Dorian only wished Basil could see that through all of the usage, chewing, and tossing: he, in another light, became a master of puppets too.

But Dorian was done now. He had cut off all of his masters’ strings and threw away the stage on which he performed, and had others perform. Now he had to cut off the portrait’s strings. The portrait had a control over him that he could not quite identify or come to, but he tried to make sense of it many times over again in his mind. It had a grip on him like the full moon does on a werewolf, or like blood does on a vampire. Dorian wished he could understand what was being done to him that he could not see, because then if he understood, maybe distancing himself from it would be much easier.

With another sigh, Dorian squeezed Basil’s hand as tightly as he could with whatever strength he had left for the night. He kept it close to his lips, almost wanting Basil to feel his breath on his hand to ensure that he was there, that he was still alive under the portrait, that there was still a Dorian Gray somewhere. A tear had rolled onto it while Dorian lied there in silence.

“I love you, Basil Hallward,” he finally murmured after allowing himself time to put his thoughts aside.

Basil secured his grip on Dorian’s hand. He picked himself up to kiss it before sinking back down to the ground. “I love you too, Dorian Gray. Good night.”

Dorian emitted a soft whimper. “Good night, Basil.”

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#basil hallward #dorian gray #dorian x basil #the picture of dorian gray #basil x dorian #i ship them #i love them #i love them so much #please #just something i thought of #fanfic #angst #fluff #headcanon

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