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randomfandomblabdom · 11 months

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I really need to vent about how much I like Cal and Merrin's dynamic in Jedi: Survivor cause they've quickly become probably my favorite canon pairing in the franchise.

I absolutely love that this relationship is built on the basis of friendship, respect, and a genuine mutual understanding of each other. From gameplay comments and conversations, Cal is very clearly so enamored with Merrin and literally everything about her. I know it's become a bit of a joke how clearly into her he is but he just thinks she's the most incredible being in the entire galaxy and it's honestly the sweetest thing. The writers could have very easily made his connection to Merrin a weakness or had it where it made his struggle with the darkness harder but I adore that they allowed him to be completely smitten with her and presented it as a strength. It's refreshing not only in Star Wars but in media in general, at least in my opinion. Love being presented as a positive asset is something so deeply missing in media nowadays - especially romantic love. Far too often in this day and age, love is presented as a weakness or something that will only bring you down, so I respect the fuck out of this writing.

Oops, this got really, really long so I'm putting the rest under a cut. It's kind of spitfire, so I apologize if it feels random.

I love how their first kiss is Merrin basically making a split-second decision where she realizes she doesn't want to die without kissing him at least once even if it runs the risk of making things awkward should they survive. Is it cliche as fuck? Absolutely, but it works so well in this instance. Cal being so dumbfounded, gawking at her like a fish, trying to process what the hell just happened that BD has to remind him they're literally about to die is the best thing too.

I appreciate that Cal is so obviously hesitant about giving into any sort of romantic feelings for Merrin because, of course, he would be due to his upbringing. He's pushing so hard against it to the point that he's even completely reluctant to so much as discuss it with Bode when they're on the Lucrehulk. Personally, I don't think Cal is oblivious to their potential feelings for each other. I've never been a huge fan of treating Cal as completely naive. He still might be a bit emotionally stunted, sure but he's lived 10 years outside of the Jedi Order at this point. I think he's hesitant to talk about it because first of all, it's really none of Bode's business but also, if he talks about it, he has to admit it, and if he admits it, that makes it real, and if it's real... well fuck, now he has to do something about it either way which is exactly what he's trying to avoid. I think he's trying to stay as neutral about it as he can until he gets to a point in the story/his arc where he decides he actually wants or feels ready to make a decision. Bode almost gets it out of him too before they're interrupted. The progression of Bode's questioning during that mission is something I actually find really interesting but that's a different topic.

Many people have pointed this out but Cal smiling so brightly while Merrin is clearly freaking the fuck out of Bode is just the cutest thing. Not only because he finds such humor in her scaring the shit out of people for fun when he of all people knows it's a running joke but he also goes along with the joke any chance he gets. He does this even when she's not around. People will be freaked out by her and he still plays along and it's not even like, "Yeah, I know, she's fucking scary bro," it's more like, "Yeah, I know, she can wake the dead, isn't it amazing how scary she is!" Someone else already pointed this out in another post but that feels almost more intimate than any kiss they share. His attraction to her encompasses all sides of her including those that many people find incredibly terrifying and I find that so endearing, he wouldn't ask her to change for anything. He's the only person who genuinely isn't freaked out by her in the slightest but not only that, he finds that side of her to be so incredible. Also, Cal being so blase with Bode about his obvious attraction to Merrin a mission prior and then having the most blatant sexual tension with her in front of Bode in the next scene is peak comedy, I don't care what anybody says. Like, Cal, honey, you just spent the entire previous mission trying to convince Bode (and yourself) there's nothing there and/or you're not pursuing it, so you're not doing yourself any favors by looking at her like that, standing that close to her, and speaking to her with the cadence of a lover bro.

I love that the second Cal walks onto the Mantis after killing Rayvis, she instantaneously picks up on the fact that something's wrong. Literally instantaneously. You can see her face drop the moment she sees him. She just knows something happened. Her ability to read him insanely well is something that is introduced very early on in the game, most noticeably in the campfire scene, and it stays consistent over the course of the story. The following conversation they have is honestly one of the best moments between them in the entire game. It's this type of conversation I've been wanting to see with a Jedi and their potential lover since Revenge of the Sith. He is so open with her even in a somewhat roundabout way about his genuine fear of losing himself and while the conversation is not explicitly about their relationship, the implication is still there and she 100% picks up on it, especially since he wonders aloud why Santari didn't see the change in Dagan before it was too late. Instead of shaming him for his reservations or calling it ridiculous or anything else she could have said at this moment, she instead decides to possibly help curb those fears and give him some comfort regarding it. She goes on to basically tell him in so few words she knows what she's signing up for and is willing to cross those bridges with him if they come. It's a great difference between Cal and Dagan. Though it's never outright stated that Dagan and Santari were in love, I feel like it's... pretty heavily implied, or at least he was definitely in love with her (was I the only one who read it that way??) but whereas Dagan demands that Santari talk him away from the darkness and seems to almost expect her to, Merrin herself plainly offers to do it with no prodding on Cal's part. It doesn't seem to be a burden Cal wanted to put on her, not something he was inherently expecting of her but she willingly offers, it is her choice, she wants to carry that burden with him. While she does seem maybe slightly annoyed by his hesitancy regarding their relationship to each other, she is also so incredibly patient with him while he's stewing over what he wants to do. It's beautiful. As a side note, "A shared dream is not so easy to wake from," is such an amazing line. Seriously, I want merch with that quote on it.

I liked that going through with the relationship was Cal's choice in the end. Merrin didn't push it, she didn't pressure it. She let him bring it up and come to her when he was ready and if that meant potentially being rejected by a man she very clearly adores, so be it, and I have no doubt she would've respected that choice if that's what he'd wanted. I know a lot of people seem to think he only makes this decision due to Bode's questions earlier but it really seems to be a combination of multiple things that lead to this. Bode picking his brain definitely got him thinking about it, maybe more than he wanted to, but I do think the other big part of Cal being willing to go forward with it at this moment is his confrontation with Dagan that, while an illusion, did cause him to come to grips with his own mortality in a way. "How does it feel knowing you're about to die. That your life meant nothing." As Cal says, Dagan uses an extremely powerful force hallucination based on fear here, so while losing himself to the darkness might scare him, his life being completely meaningless is what he seems to fear the most. Cal's journey throughout Survivor encompasses many things but one of them revolves around feeling aimless and finding a purpose, preferably outside of being a hired weapon that will surely and slowly consume him. It's what everyone consistently tells him: find a home, settle down, embrace happiness because it's fleeting, the path you're on is not healthy and will consume you otherwise...etc. His decision here to give in to his romantic attraction to Merrin is a culmination of all of these interactions and conversations he's had throughout the story, how they've influenced his line of thinking, and him coming to his own conclusions regarding what he personally wants and at this moment, when things are finally, calm and everyone is in a good place with a plan going forward, he personally decides there's no point in living up to the expectations of the Jedi when the Order doesn't exist anymore and wants to see where this could go.

I love the fact that when Merrin witnesses Cal's darkness in the ISB, it's made abundantly clear that she's just as afraid of losing him as he most likely is of losing her. I do think a major reason why she was able to talk him down at the moment is that he fundamentally understands what it feels like to lose everything and everyone, your entire livelihood. That is what they first bonded over and it's something that keeps them bonded in the saddest, yet most profound way and he would never want to add himself to the list of people she's lost. She's also doing exactly what she said she would. In an instance where again, she reads him like a fucking book, she can tell just from his responses on the intercom that he's losing himself and is guiding him back. She immediately went to rescue him as she says. No question, no argument, nothing, she simply does it. She made him a promise and she kept it and in that moment, he promises that she won't lose him, he won't allow it. This is a fundamental difference between Anakin and Padme's dynamic and Cal and Merrin's. While Anakin's love for Padme quite famously ends up extremely selfish in an "I would lose myself to ensure you're not ripped away from me" type of way, Cal and Merrin's dynamic is leaning towards a more selfless, "I won't allow myself to be lost because I can't let that happen for your sake," type of way and god damn it, I love it.

There are several interactions they have in gameplay that I'm lowkey peeved weren't included in cutscenes and one of them is when Cal returns to the Mantis after all but demolishing the ISB, they have this really short but great interaction where Merrin says that if he ever feels that way again, he needs to tell her. She doesn't even ask him to do it, she all but demands it, "If you feel that way again, you will tell me." She's demanding communication from him regarding the darkness and he doesn't fight this demand at all. He agrees to respect this request and I fucking love that from both of them. I will genuinely be kinda upset if we don't get a moment like that in the next game.

I like how their kiss after they've successfully navigated the abyss is kind of their first kiss inverted but instead of "omg we might die, I need to kiss you" it's more "holy shit, we survived, I need to kiss you," but instead of Merrin initiating, now it's Cal. I'm probably reading too much into that but whatever, it's cute.

This isn't about any one part in particular but I do love that it looks like the headcanon so many people had regarding Merrin most likely being quite physically affectionate is turning out to be true.

...I think that's enough for now lol I might add on some things later

Apologies for any typos and thanks for indulging my rambling if you got this far.

#star wars #jedi survivor #jedi survivor spoilers #cal kestis #nightsister merrin #merrical #calmerrin #cal x merrin #dagan gera #santari khri #bode akuna #mine

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sanityshorror · 3 months

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What are the relationships between Cian and the other Hellcrew characters?

Oh oh oh! This is a great question to start with! I mainly just covered Cian's side of the relationships but I can elaborate more on things if specifically asked!

Killian Lynch

Complicated isn't a strong enough word and "eugh," is how I feel when I get into the nitty gritty of it. Cian is... extremely obsessive towards Killian. He idolizes Killian and holds him on a pedestal. Cian is obsessed with, to quote him, "living up to my father's legacy." Cian is obsessed with getting Killian's approval. Cian is obsessed with the idea of being incredibly close with Killian emotionally. He's obsessed with the idea of a version of his life where Killian was always there. Cian is obsessed with impressing Killian. Cian is obsessed with-- I think you get the idea.

Devlin Doherty (© @scarfaxia )

Devlin is Cian's boyfriend, and Cian's Ultimate Favorite Person™ (Cian has BPD & NPD). Cian is beyond attached to Devlin, and has accidentally broken Devlin's hand on multiple occasions because he held it too tightly. Cian is very faithful to Devlin, he loves him and has since they first met in their 20s. Cian is 100% a malewife lol. Ultimately, Devlin and Cian have a very healthy and happy relationship. They don't really fight ever, though they do lightheartedly bicker a lot lol. Scarfaxia says that Devlin will try to pretend to be annoyed by Cian being so attached but Devlin actually loves it and would be upset if Cian wasn't.

Julius Doherty

Cian is about as close as one is able to get to Julius. They always have had a friend type of relationship, even though Cian was only 13 when he first met a then 23 year old Julius. Because Julius is emotionally stunted in a teenage mindset in many ways, he wound up forming a (genuinely) platonic friendship of sort with Cian off the bat. They're still incredibly close.

Octavian Doherty

Cian and Octavian have gotten to know each other over the years due to Octavian being Devlin's older brother. Octavian is protective of Devlin ("hurt me bwatha an' I'll fawkin kill yaw!") but Cian actually is appreciative of that, because Cian is also protective towards Devlin. They get along.

Sullivan Sweeney

Sullivan hates Cian because Cian reminds him so much of Killian, and Sullivan hates Killian.

Duvessa Doyle

Mother of one of Cian's (many) children. They got up to the bowchickawowow when Cian was still human, 19 at the time. He only was in her life to be involved with their child when the child was growing up. Now he acts like she doesn't exist.

Seraphina Shaw (© @gracilissart )

Cian keeps his distance from her. He's plenty smart enough to know that she's got his issues figured out to a pretty damn good extent and knows she'll call him on bullshit. He doesn't want to risk the trigger.

Seamus Wrynn (© @gracilissart)

Similar to Killian, Cian likes a lot of Seamus' s...uh.. photography but doesn't see it as the magnificent art Seamus thinks it to be. Like Killian, Cian just sees it as jerk it material. He isn't particularly close to Seamus, especially given that because Killian doesn't like Seamus, then Cian also doesn't.

Kelly Duffy

Not all that close, but video gaming bros. Cian is the only person who Kelly has a chance on making go WASTED™ in GTA

Lucien Delaney (© @scarfaxia )

Oh god how do I even start I don't know where to begin. Uh. Nothing good. Very very very bad.

#Cian Lynch #devlin doherty #killian lynch #julius doherty #julius the dressmaker #kelly duffy #seraphina shaw #seamus wrynn #cian lynch #hellcrew #the hellcrew project

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mehbzz · 2 years

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How do you see Billy and Stu characters in your stories? Could they turn and ever kill reader?

My take on them is pretty similar to how I see them in the movies, just with a little more softness and added polyamory! A very quick ramble of an explanation under the cut.

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My fic interpretation is basically that both are narcissistic misogynists. I see Billy as able to feel guilt, empathy, remorse etc but has reached that stage where he doesn’t care anymore, he can ignore all those pesky emotions in favour of what he wants or feels. Struggles a lot with reacting appropriately to other people’s emotions, knows how he should feel, but just can’t anymore. Thinks he's acting and playing the part well but he's really not. His abandonment issues are obvious, I think he was probably a little too close to his mom, an unhealthy co-dependency that encouraged the way he has latched on to Stu first and then reader.

I see him as having panic attacks and anxiety, especially when he deems things as getting out of his control. Which includes reader. Very clingy when he deems someone as worthy of him and his time, doesn’t know how to love normally, and probably comes across as controlling and possessive. Needs to know where you are and what you’re up too, gets antsy if you’re late or not where you said you’d be.

Stu I see absolutely as a borderline psychopath. Really struggles with empathy, doesn’t feel guilt or remorse for his actions, but is very very good at mimicking it or faking it when he has too but really doesn’t care what other people think about him, or maybe genuinely forgets his act sometimes, which is why people see him as insensitive or stupid. I think Stu is a lot lot smarter than he pretends to be.

I see him with neglectful parents who turned a blind eye to his behaviour, although I can imagine him seeing a Child Psychologist for a while. Tortured animals growing up and more than likely killed at least one childhood pet. A bully at school, picking on girls and kids smaller than him in the playground, until he learnt how to “behave” and temper those more aggressive temperaments of his. Can’t have as much fun if people always have an eye on you. His parents were probably called to the school on more than one occasion when he went too far, but they probably paid them off in some way! Most likely to hurt you for fun.

I think they are on equal footing with regards to who’s in charge, it’s just not reader! Although I think I write Billy more as believing he's in control of the situation and of Stu. Whereas Stu doesn’t care either way! Been friends since they were very little and know each other inside and out.

(My favourite thoughts for their relationship in the movies flick between two ideas. They are definitely more than friends but don’t care enough to explore it, or have found common ground and are just selfishly using each other to get what they want, which is revenge on Sid for Billy, and purely the excitement of the chance to kill for Stu. Each believing they are using the other when in reality they're absolutely looped into a toxic co-dependency, fuelling each other’s worst traits.)

Both are selfish, entitled horny assholes with superiority complexes. They want, they deserve it, so they take it. Both have no qualms about pushing you way way past your boundaries. Masters of gaslighting and manipulation (fun for Stu but more from abandonment fears for Billy, useful for both.) but in my fics I think they do love reader in their own twisted ways! For Stu, I think it’s more ownership and an obsessive possession than all out genuine love, emotions are a struggle for him! Billy feels the same possessiveness but does love reader in the more conventional sense too but tries to hide it, (thanks to an emotionally stunted father, - men conceal they don’t feel)

They wouldn’t ever kill reader. Unless maybe…. they get caught during the killing spree and its ends up a murder suicide type situation. You are theirs but they see themselves as yours as well.

I see them as needing each other to survive now; if they ever got forcefully separated it would end up in a bloodbath of self-destruction, Stu outwardly and Billy internally. They fuel each other, in the worst and the best ways. They wouldn’t survive without each other. They both see reader as worthy of them but still sort of a little below them, because you know, misogynistic asssholes!

#billy loomis #stu macher #scream 1996 #poly!ghostface #billy loomis x reader #stu macher x reader

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grim-glasses · 1 year

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Absolutely unhinged Grelliam rambling

(To save time, please assume that each paragraph begins with "in my opinion" because this isn't a meta post, I'm not trying to be like "omg they're endgame and this is Yana's vision" I'm mostly talking about my creative process and the transformative nature of fanworks. My fanworks specifically.

Note: The Tale of Will the Reaper does not exist to me. I Do Not See It.

Not sure if I'm just experiencing Visions or what but I do think that Grelliam could be endgame with quite honestly only very small amounts of character development

I was struggling with writing the ship for a while because I really liked it but as it stands Will and Grell have like 0 chemistry and really REALLY fall into that 2010s-era "sexually inappropriate dumbass x emotionally stunted asshole who beats the shit out of them & we're supposed to find this cute and funny because it's the 2010s" dynamic

So I was really struggling finding a way to like. write that dynamic in a deep, meaningful way. Because in order to do that, you have to take it seriously, I think? You either have to take it seriously and consider them a couple that is uncomfortable with each other or dial it back into something you can work with.

The problem is, as side characters, if you take that away, there's nothing left. Grell is just some weirdo with a crush and Will is. wallpaper.

The only solution, thus, is to develop it. And I finally "solved" Grelliam in a way that works for me.

You seeee, I initially thought Will was The Problem. So naturally, if I crafted some sort of scenario in my head where he changed to accept and reciprocate Grell's feelings, that should fix it, right?

Wrong.

The problem was, I still didn't believe it.

It didn't work for me at all.

Even if you headcanon him as demi, which I do, there's still this strange sense of mismatch, that Grell is over-performing in a way, or perhaps... over-compensating?

I sat with this weird Grelliam mismatch for months trying to come up with some fanfic plots, some ideas, something to compel me, but I really could not find any appeal in a love story where only one person is transformed. It turns Will into a problem and Grell into a solution.

But then I realized that Grell is, in fact, also a problem.

Her feelings and expressions are WAY too over-the-top to be believable or even... genuine. I started thinking about what she said to An right before killing her (in the anime, anyway, bc I've watched that scene more than I've read it)

Also I'm paraphrasing because I'm not about to go look up the scene just to get the quote right in some absolutely unhinged Grelliam ramble

But it was something along the lines of "what use are you to me if you're just another woman?"

Because Angelina hesitated to kill Ciel. Because she showed weakness.

From this and Grell's attraction to Sebastian and Will, I think it's fair to draw the conclusion that it's not aloofness she's attracted to, but resolution, stoicism, drive, immovability. We can guess that she's not lithro, because she was in a reciprocated relationship with An.

It's displays of excess emotion and vulnerability that turn her off.

That being said, I don't think she knows just how deep her feelings for Will go. I think she's counting on him to never, ever break. To never cry, to never bleed, to never smile. I think she feels very safe in that.

That needs to go.

I think, the Inciting Grelliam Incident, the moment that shatters the status quo into a million little pieces on the floor, that changes everything

That

Will needs to show some kind of weakness

And Grell needs to keep loving him anyway

I could keep going but I ran out of steam anyway my point is I can write Grelliam now because I finally have an idea of what I want their fucking dynamic to look like

#grimpost

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randomnameless · 1 year

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Something you’ll find interesting: if permadeath is enabled and a recruited jeralt dies, byleth says they’re sad they lost him, but at the same time say that now that he’s gone, they’re going to seek out rhea themselves because they want to know why jeralt was avoiding her, they want to find out the truth. So azure gleam does have that even if it’s a crumb at least, and sothis was still fucked writing wise. But it does give weight to the fact that byleth has a stronger family with the church than they did with jeralt. Who knows? Rhea obviously recognised them as Sitri’s (in golden piss but still) so she’ll likely take them in and tell them the truth they want to hear.

This also made me like Byleth more (i didn��t hate them in houses, but i was more indifferent) and it makes me mad that they have a genuinely interesting character aside from backstory that houses shafted for whatever reason. Because we get information like them being curious about the world, getting along with rhea and liking her (she’s the only character to have a pre time skip a support), and even being quite soft spoken and gentle instead of the energetic protagonist types. I’m just disappointed that was only shown in three holes and feh instead of their actual debut game. Is Koei to blame to try to force us as players to want to woo edelgard or why did they make them mute? I would’ve loved to hear them voiced talking to rhea about sitri and the nabateans and having tea and fishing with Seteth and flayn.

Oh really???

AG can possibly still end with Billy at the monastery, becoming a teacher, and maybe Worst Mom having to interact with her children (lel) - it really is the best route lol

Pretty sure Rhea knows who they are, and if Billy's already green, she might even think they're Sothis and come to the realisation that they're 2 different persons earlier than in FE16 too!

I think @renisfan pointed it out earlier, but JP!F!Billy is also more soft-spoken and gentle than what is the "western depiction" that tried to maker her appear more "Badass".

But yeah, as I suspect, the reason why Billy couldn't be more "themselves" or "interesting" in FE16 was because Billy must be able to woo Supreme Leader - thus they cannot really get to know their lizard fam - and also because both games are allergic to Nabatean content - bcs Hresvelg Tea - so Billy being a half-nabatean like being cannot be under the spotlight.

I know I joke a lot about poor Jerry, but the fact that FE16 really tried to hammer the "best dad uwu feel sad for him uwu look we made two mouthpieces to tell you how awesome he was" angle when it also didn't erase the dramatic implications that Jerry effectively ran away with his kid because the kid was "abnormal" - as a result of the heart transplant Sitri asked Rhea to perform/or because Billy is biracial - but never developed about it, bar some half-assed reheated ravioli can "maybe it was a mistake to leave the monastery" before his death...

Only for Nopes to add more on the "deadbeat dad" angle and highly suggesting Jerry, as much as the crest stone, is the reason why Billy was so emotionally stunted...

But we couldn't have a resolution with Rhea and Jerry and Billy, where it would be more or less revealed that Jerry loves Billy and ran away to protect them from Rhea, even if what Jerry feared was only a result of Billy, just like Sitri and Rhea herself, not being human.

And we of course couldn't have Jerry, after learning the truth, feeling like a watermelon because even if Sitri wasn't a human, he still loved/s her, ultimately apologising to Billy and to Sitri to have shat on her last choice - with Billy telling him that he doesn't need to apologise, but maybe from now on they can all live together and be a real family, regardless of their race because they love each other, and sit on warm rocks together -

Why?

Because the game dgaf about nabateans, and coexistence between humans and nabateans directly contradicts Supreme Leader's motto, and Supreme Leader can never look bad or be contradicted, because everyone has to learn to love her, so even if she says Nabateans are incapable of human feelings, shouldn't rule over the people because they are nabateans, have no regard for human life or are cruel beasts - we can't have anyone's arc go frontally against her mindset and say that despite the shape of their ears, Nabateans and Humans aren't so different, they have the same feelings and can ultimately live together, hell, through Billy, love each other.

Now, I'm going to drink a cup of Earl Grey.

#anon #replies #FE16 #3 Nopes #Jerry 'don't go to see Rhea'#Billy 'hello i'm billy jeralt told me he had some history with you'#Rhea 'here take this zanado fruit i made your mother and i saved your life but btw are you also my mother?'#Sothis 'shit i forgot what was her name. Immaculate One #or Crusty wings?'#Nabatean stuff #I mean what we could have had

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bunchofstraydogs · 3 years

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Dazai Osamu character breakdown as I understand him

Meaning that this might be inaccurate and your opinion and visage of him might differ from mine, which is just fine. We perceive the world and the people around us through our experiences and expectations. I'm curious to know how you guys see a complex character like Dazai, just please respect everyone's opinions.

Warning: Manga plot mentions, s2 spoilers, BEAST light novel spoilers, Dazai Osamu

Dazai Osamu was introduced into the scene of Bungou Stray Dogs at 14 when Mori found him.

Even at that young age, Dazai had suicidal tendencies and had been wrapped in bandages similarly as he is in the present. Already dealing with too much trauma for a child his age, the fire is fuelled as he was forced to bear witness to the death of the Port Mafia boss at the hands of Mori, the person that took him under his wing. To use him; which was becoming very apparent to Osamu if he hadn't been aware since the start. Now, I'm not saying that death of the previous boss left a particular scar on Samu, he even agrees with it and is something he himself would have done. But that that is the scene that bore fruit of the following quotes:

"Or could it be that you're afraid, Mori-san? That one day i will slit your throat and take over as the boss?"

followed by

"Everyone seems suspicious to those who have an axe to grind."

This tells us right away that he can tell what type of person you are just from the way you perceive your surroundings, which is logical, but not something many think too deep into.

Even less who have their evaluations of others on point like he does. And he has to, since Dazai's plan is always to understand his allies, his enemies, possible allies and possible enemies. He also takes into account important neutral parties that can still, in one way or another, affect the outcome of his plans or decide to align with one side out of common interest. After comes realising the main goals, along with side achievements (just in case some of those maim his allies or ruin the future plans he made) of every party. Taking in their morals and motivation, and being familiar with the ground the confrontation will happen on, he now has the view of the whole chess board and it's pieces in his head. He moves his allies in the right places, knowing how they'll react in the situation to come, and awaits the enemies with open fire arms. He was tought to think like that. At all times. Mori made sure of it. You know how specialists never really stop thinking in their areas of expertise, like doctors, for example, will naturally notice people's posture and look for scoliosis or whatever? How your foot hits the floor, if you're walking straight, your knees and shoulders, etc. Same for Dazai. His brain maps out person's expressions, reactions, choices, personality, etc. in great detail. I'm pretty sure he has eidetic memory, if his conversations in manga with Fyodor are anything to go by.

Another thing his brain does is think of worst possible outcomes.

Not in a fear of what if things go wrong, but as a possible route. He uses it to determine how big of a threat the opposing force is and what steps they'll have to take to achieve that. Knowing that, he'll know how to intercept them. Also, like everything else, it's not something he can control since we're talking about thought process here and that's just how his brain works. Can't magically turn that off. It's especially annoying to him when he's genuinely enjoying himself with, let's say, ADA members and then his brain goes brrr.

•"A lot happened recently and we're a torn in many people's eyes." *Tanizaki and Atsushi drinking punch* "There's a possibility, while a small one, about 8% at this very moment, but as time goes on will increase, that an organisation outside of Yokohama decided we're an unavoidable threat and poisoned the drinks. Don't drink that. Nothing will happen, they'll wake up tomorrow in pristine condition don't drink th-"

Yeah, i feel bad for him too.

He has PTSD and insomnia, besides the hectic brain,

so he's not getting proper amount of rest. Actually, he drinks almost every night by himself at home. Pretty sure it's canon as well, because if you search for a picture of him in his room, you'll see him surrounded by multiple bottles. Two of the PTSD symptoms are hallucinations and night terrors (no, that is not the same as a nightmare). What people usually do is use opium to cause hallucinations in a safe environment so that there's little chance of them happening uncontrolled. He's probably using alcohol to numb himself while he's reminiscing, since if he does still have hallucinations after years having passed by (which isn't impossible), they're probably few and far between. Not saying there's no chance he isn't using opium. He would know where to get what he needs, after all.

Osamu's haunted by his own actions as well, not just by trauma caused to him.

At an uncountable amount of occasions, he found himself looking into a mirror and not really comprehending his image. It was like dissociation. Looking through a fog at what's supposed to be your carbon copy, but not knowing all of your features perfectly, so whatever you're seeing could only be an impostor, yet you're not sure because that would take comprehending physical proof of your life to the fullest and how it works and he just... can't. He can but he doesn't want to. He already knows he's despicable and broken, doesn't really feel the need to see just how much. He can't, for all his perfect memory, remember the faces of the people he has killed. He hadn't even seen all of them, but he was responsible for their demise. Causing havoc and misfortune in general through other crimes besides murder as well. We've seen his expression when he listened in on Atsushi talking to Kyouka over the earpiece how the 35 deaths don't matter anymore. He knows they do and he knows that the change of heart won't justify what he's they've done. Ango thought him to value each life. But he also knows that even murderers can change and become good. Oda did that. It's also what's keeping him in the agency.

When Oda died, his last words mentioned that Dazai doesn't care about good or bad and that was correct for Dazai Osamu back then. I genuinely think that his present self does mind the difference.

He believes in necessary evil and will do dark shit to get the good outcome he's envisioned.

He doesn't separate outlaws and lawful people, however.

He knows that generally speaking, the line is thin and easy to cross and that many were born or forced into the situations they are. Those that fight the life thrown at them are an exception, not a rule. That's also why he likes Atsushi, probably the main reason. The boy has every right to hate the world and yet. Dazai is envious, he doesn't really have the same capacity.

I want now to talk about why does Dazai Osamu do what Dazai Osamu does.

The reason he attempts suicide, joined the mafia, made friends at all, is because for all his intelligence and observations, ability to understand others, he doesn't really understand himself.

He doesn't understand his worth. He doesn't understand his purpose. In all of that confusion, he finds no reason to live. He laughs but can't get the high, he bruises but can't fully heal. In all of the things people find happiness in he can't feel joy from. He is emotionally stunted. He thinks too logically. He doesn't understand actions out of emotions because to him, it doesn't make sense. Emotions cloud your mind and when you're not thinking straight, you make mistakes. Plain and simple. He just accepts it, that most people simply cannot control themselves and prefer lashing out instead of methodical approach. All the better for him, he has leverage. Even when he does act on impulse, which is incredibly rare and not as explosive and dramatic, his brain rationalises it as to why his actions were a good way to go. And if his reaction was one that bore fruit, than it was a tactical one.

"If you place yourself somewhere close to raw emotions, where you're exposed to raw violence and death, instinct and desire, you can brush against man's true nature. I though that way i could find a reason to live somehow."

From this, i can tell that he was hoping that, in a situation where he's pushed far enough, he'd realise what's important to him, what he wants to protect or destroy, what's one thing he wouldn't want to leave unsettled before dying. What is that one thing he'd regret dying before achieving? What should he fight death for. What is worth living on for? To him, it doesn't matter if that something is good or evil as long as he gets to keep it in his life.

It seems he hadn't found it exactly, but is satisfied with what he has for now, in the agency, to just keep going. But he still tries to commit suicide, hoping that one day, when the clear picture of the world around him is fading away, when he's becoming light headed from the lack of oxygen, when he's loosing control over his body and thoughts don't seem to flow well, there will be one thing, anyone, screaming at him to fight it. New day new chances. It didn't happen today, better luck tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomo-.

Now, like Mori, Dazai feels the need to, at all times, be in control of the situation. Including people.

That means no one, but perhaps Ranpo due to his own abnormal intellect, is aware of their own role. They know their mission, but they're not expecting to be given that particular one because they'll come across an obstacle they would react to in a way that would satisfy Osamu's plans.

Dazai Osamu is more of a chemist, than a chess player, if you ask me.

Throwing different people into the mix, under different conditions at different times and is noting down their reactions in safe surrounding if possible, so that when the time calls for it, he'll be able to make a perfect concoction for the predicament. A chemist and his substances; A chess player and his pawns; A puppeteer and his puppets. Now, Dazai is meticulous and never rash, but like everyone else (except effin Lovecraft what is he even) he's only human and he bleeds when he falls down and humans aren't perfect. He isn't always right. That means he makes mistakes. The issue with big shot players that control the board is that, when they fall down, everyone on their side crashes and burns as well. So the day Dazai fucks up everyone else will follow because of lack of insight on their part that's completely out of their control. All it takes is for him to underestimate or overestimate one person and chaos ensues. There is no such thing as happy little accidents small mistakes for someone like him. I have crippling anxiety and a sole thought that one hiccup could blow up in everyone's face... damn. I would try committing suicide myself. But it's his fault, he brought upon himself an obligation and pressure like that. To be fair, it was Mori that drilled that type of thinking where no one should know what you plan because they can't ruin what they don't know If they turn against you, they can't stop you.

For his own sake, and everyone else's, Dazai needs to learn how to show his cards and share the burden.

Again, going back to the emotionally stunted guy that has commitment issues (where he either can't commit or can't let go) trope.

He never outright does something good for someone where people would acknowledge it, he uses his underhanded tactics here as well.

He casually makes himself look like a bad guy, an asshole, to conveniently move attention from the inner turmoil a person is struggling with to a present problem at hand that they can fix and let their frustrations out on. But he hopes that, one day, someone just might notice his intentions for what they are and do the unspeakable- see through him.

"I'm a very private person. You don't ask, i don't tell."

Yes, and your whole existence is just a huge cry for help. He wants to be asked. He's begging for attention. A specific type of attention. One that will see him without making him feel imposed on. One that will understand his sins without making a big deal out of it. Accept him as a person he is, makes him feel like one as well. Makes him feel alive. Makes him feel... period.

The day he finds that thing is the day he completely turns his life around and fully dedicates to it. It's where the part of not being able to let go commitment issue ensues.

Since Oda's death he's been secretly keeping an eye out on possible ways to bring him back. If you've read Beast AU you know that when Dazai gets his hands on the book, he'll create a universe where Oda doesn't die. Should he find an ability user that can bring back the dead, just tell him what it will take, he's ready to destroy his own soul for it and if that isn't enough, well, he'll have no hesitation ruining theirs. After all, BEAST!Dazai Osamu never actually met Odasaku, he just had the memories he'd gotten from his canon self and that was enough for him to do everything he did.

He's incredibly selfish and has a weird come in but the door is a wall dynamic he rolls with in his self imposed solitude.

It's like the walls of the space in my brain are ugly and terrifying, so i closed off the entrance to keep myself in. I'm doing you a favour but please break the wall down and tell me it's okay to come out i don't want to be here-

Happy little thoughts woah woah yeah~

That's what i got from what I've seen of him. I may have missed some things, some things might prove to be wrong as the series progress further, but yeah.

There is, however, one more thing i want to put out here. Since Dazai was already like this before Mori found him, that begs to question as to why? What happened to him?

Now, since the characters are based on real people, is it crazy to say that Dazai Osamu has had a horrible childhood because of his father? Real life Dazai was terrified of his dad and was very intimidated by him. He always tried to stay in his good graces out of fear of punishment. Neither of his parents felt like a parent to him, actually. His father didn't care and his mother was often ill, but did care for him when she could. Both of them died eventually.

This could be the plot Kafka based Dazai's background on, but we'll have to wait and see.

#dazai osamu #bungou stray dogs #bsd #meta #dazai osamu headcanon #dazai osamu headcanons #hc #hcs #psychoanalysis

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max-recs-fics · 3 years

Text

Soukoku Fic Recs

( Dazai x Chuuya )

Bungo Stray Dogs

- ALWAYS check tags before reading.

oneshots

" honey sweet " - weepingwillows

SYNOPSIS: ``By the time Dazai and Chuuya start dating, they're both pretty comfortable with each other. They still bicker, they still push each other's buttons but the edges have dulled and on most days, just being together is enough.``

( rated E , fluff & smut , 2.15k words )

" death by chuuya " - stargazerlilith

SYNOPSIS: ``Dazai finds Chuuya in a compromising position. And who was Dazai to deny such a pretty little gift?``

( rated E , smut , 5.75k words )

" a toast to our beginning " - anonlearnstowrite

SYNOPSIS: ``A lone singer at the corner of the bar, a young man captivated by the performance, it should have been simple but when has things ever been simple for them. A story, not of love, but of passion, in the end, he's bound to this man in every universe.``

( rated E , smut , 8.52k words )

" kiss me on the lips (...) " - photography_tea

( rated E , fluff & smut , 7.99k words )

" the sobriety of our love " - reitheflaxseed

( rated M , fluff & smut , 4.34k words )

" carnival hearts " - shootingfromafar

SYNOPSIS: ``The first time Dazai saw Chuuya’s genuine smile he knew he was well and truly fucked.

Which, considering how emotionally stunted he was self aware enough to admit, a crush was the last thing he needed.

So obviously, in true Dazai fashion, he elected to ignore this current issue and continued on as normal.

Admittedly, that wasn’t going as well as he'd planned.``

( unrated , fluff , 2.04k words )

multi-chaptered fics

" a hundred ways to kill " - cabernetcat

SYNOPSIS: ``Eccentric CEO Dazai Osamu has been trying to die for the past seven years. Failure after failure gets him thinking: if you can't kill yourself, get someone else to do it. When he hires a hitman to do the job, it turns out this plan may not be so simple.``

( rated E , 16 chapters , 90.52k words )

" no cock ups only happy accidents " - fenriel

SYNOPSIS: ``Going out and getting drunk with friends is all great and fun - until you wake up in a foreign bed with no memory of how you got there.

And if a question pesters your mind, you want answers. What better method is there, than to try and see if the memories come back?``

( rated E , 10 chapters , 60.93k words )

" what's your name? " - cataclysmicevent

SYNOPSIS: ``"I said, what's your name?"

Dazai snaps to attention to see that Chuuya is staring right at him, and suddenly his mouth feels like sandpaper.

Jesus. Who has eyes like that?!

“Ozai—"

“Huh?”

“Dazoo—"

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Dazai Osamu.”

Sometimes--the worst introductions can last a lifetime.``

( rated E , 51 chapters , 261.11k words )

" everything or nothing " - cataclysmicevent

SYNOPSIS: ``College AU where Chuuya finds out that the boy he drunkenly made out with the night of orientation is his new roommate.

His arrogant, smug, very straight roommate.

And the boys are each convinced the other is trying to ruin their life by making them go absolutely insane.``

( rated E , 40 chapters , 262.86k words )

" still still still " - toriosaurus

SYNOPSIS: ``Finally, Chuuya eloquently said, “I don’t want to date you.”

Dazai huffed. “Yeah, well, I’m not too thrilled at the idea of having a crazy rockstar boyfriend. But you got us into this mess, you need to help us get out of it.”

Had Dazai gone insane? Nakahara Chuuya and Dazai Osamu, dating? Had Chuuya not made it clear through the dozens of direct and indirect meetings that he despised Dazai with every fiber in his body.``

( rated M , 21 chapters , 36.91k words )

#soukoku #bungo stray dogs #bsd #dazai x chuuya #fic recs #soukoku fic recs

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eddiesdiaz · 4 years

Note

How do we feel about Stackson plus Derek? I'm just. I'm a mess about Stiles being sandwiched between two emotionally constipated, muscly, overprotective assholes that don't understand how to say "I love you". I'm a mess about Stiles anchoring them back to their humanity and letting them know they're not monsters, being good and sweet to them, better than anyone ever has been, and letting them be good to each other too. I'm a mess in general tbh.

umm, we love. we love a lot, actually. allow me to paint you a picture, my friend.

stiles and jackson are together first. it’s complicated, to say the least - it starts with contempt and shame and venomous insults murmured to one another as they fuck with the passion of a thousand suns. then all of that slowly falls away, everything except the passion, which feels less and less like hate with each passing day and more like something else. something they don’t talk about, not ever, because talking isn’t something they do. they let it evolve, though, from petty hostility to comfortable silence. to something almost resembling a friendship. it works for them, as long as they don’t stop to think about it for too long.

then jackson up and moves to london. no warning, no explanation, no goodbye. stiles can’t even find it in himself to be mad at him, because he understands why he did it. and he doesn’t owe anything to stiles, not really. they were never supposed to be anything more than fun, a way to let off steam, and the kind of brutal, vulnerable honesty it would have taken to have this conversation isn’t something that had ever been present between the two of them. sure, stiles has always had a talent for inferring jackson’s feelings - his innermost thoughts, his deepest insecurities. but he’s never once actually been proven right, never had jackson tell him what he’s thinking point-blank.

so he’s not mad, but he is a little bit heartbroken. he misses jackson every day, is constantly torn between wanting to call and make sure he’s alright and giving him space. he grieves him like he would any other breakup, though he’s not even sure this could be considered one, takes it one day at a time until eventually he finds his way to derek.

derek is very much the same and also completely different. he calls stiles an idiot with an exasperated-but-almost fond sigh that’s so familiar it makes his chest ache, but they fall into each other in a much more conventional way. they grow to like each other, then they kiss, then they fuck. it’s the complete opposite of how it happened with jackson, and so it feels more healthy, more legitimate, maybe. he falls for derek hard, and he puts his all into being with him, because he can’t handle it falling apart. he won’t survive being left again.

derek’s painfully similar in that he’s absolutely god-awful about talking about his feelings in any capacity, but he does manage to articulate to stiles why exactly that is. he makes a point to explain it to stiles early-on in their relationship, tells him he’s been hurt so many times by so many people that he genuinely doesn’t understand when people actually care for him. he apologizes profusely, tells stiles he deserves better than someone so damaged and shut-off and profoundly difficult to get close to.

stiles, though, just appreciates the maturity and the honesty. he kisses derek’s tears away and tells him it’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than some stunted communication abilities to scare him off. that it’s okay, they don’t have to be super emotional and touchy-feely all the time, because he knows how derek feels about him, and that’s all he needs. and it is. they’re happy.

fast forward maybe a year and a half or so, and jackson comes back. just waltzes right back into beacon hills with as little notice as when he left, sending stiles into a spiral of what-ifs and anxiety attacks and heart-rates so fast derek worries he’s dying. stiles kind of feels like he is, if he’s being honest.

so he tells derek everything, because there’s no way to avoid it, really. he tells him about what he and jackson had, what it had started to maybe turn into, how stiles fell too hard too fast and didn’t even realize it until he was gone. derek listens, and once stiles is finished, he asks, quietly, “do you still…?”

stiles can’t lie. it’s half a sentence at best, but it’s derek actively trying to have a conversation about this, it’s derek being vulnerable instead of shutting down or running away, and stiles will be damned if he takes advantage of that and lies to his face like every other piece of shit from his past. so he swallows, nods slowly, and says, “yeah, i think i do.”

he hates himself when he says it, and he gets a little hysterical, taking derek’s hands and saying “i’m so sorry, baby, please don’t leave me, it doesn’t mean i love you any less,” until derek shushes him. he takes stiles’ face in his hands and kisses him until he stops shaking and the tears subside.

“he’s my first beta, stiles,” derek tells him. “he…i always felt this connection with him, stronger than anything i’d ever felt before. i pushed him away because i knew we wouldn’t be any good for each other, and i was scared, but i…i always wanted him. i still do.”

stiles swears he feels the weight of the entire world lift off his shoulders, and he says “fuck, i love you,” before proceeding to kiss derek stupid. he fucks him into the mattress, too, with lots of soft kisses, just to really drive his point home.

they take a couple days to process everything, the majority of which stiles spends glued to derek’s side, cuddling the hell out of him so he doesn’t forget, even for a second, how he feels about him. and then, once they’re both ready, they invite jackson to the loft for dinner.

they have a plan, have practically written a whole script for the night’s conversation complete with all of jackson’s possible responses and how to address each one, but it all goes out the window the second stiles lays eyes on him. jackson smirks at him, says “hey, stilinski,” and stiles is transported back to sophomore year, when jackson would let himself into stiles’ house and greet him exactly the same way, complete with a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. it’s only natural for stiles to react by leaning in to press their lips together.

jackson relaxes against his lips for the briefest of seconds before he startles and pulls away, looking from stiles to derek and back again with wide eyes.

stiles just smiles at him and says “it’s okay, jacks. he knows i love you.” he says it so easily, so earnestly, despite the fact that he’s never said it to jackson before. it’s definitely news to jackson, judging by the look on his face. “he does, too,” stiles adds carefully after a moment.

derek must hear jackson’s heart beating out of his chest, because he steps forward then and rests a gentle hand on his cheek. “i know you’re nervous. we are too,” he says, brushing his fingers against jackson’s ridiculously perfect jaw. “but i really think this is how it was always supposed to be.”

“can i really…” jackson breathes, hesitantly, more unsure than stiles has ever heard him sound. he and derek both nod at him encouragingly until jackson gathers the courage to lean in and kiss derek. it’s soft at first, but then derek licks into his mouth, pulling a happy sigh from jackson.

“that was so hot,” stiles says once they pull away, almost reverently. he means it, but it also does a good job of breaking the ice a little. they all laugh, and then derek goes back to making dinner while stiles and jackson start to catch up on brooklyn nine-nine (because they used to watch it together and both refused to watch it alone once jackson moved away), and that’s that.

they’re still shit about talking about their feelings, so it’s not always perfect. they have to learn some things the hard way.

for instance, when jackson’s in a bad mood and tells them to fuck off or leave him alone, what he really wants is for them to go after him and sandwich him between them for some top-tier cuddles until he forgets about why he was upset. (one time, they actually left him alone like he asked, and he got even pissier and stormed out of the loft and didn’t talk to either of them for days.)

another example: derek doesn’t like when stiles and jackson fool around when he isn’t there. (that one wasn’t pretty - one time, they had a quickie in the locker room after practice and when derek came to pick them up, he got one whiff and lost his mind, drove off and left them there because he was convinced that they didn’t want him anymore. he completely shut down after that, and it took days of apologies and soft kisses and assurances that it wouldn’t happen again, that they still are and always will be as into him as they are each other.)

neither of them can say ‘i love you’ still, but it doesn’t bother stiles. he knows they love him, and he says it enough for all of them. he always says “we love you,” every time, without fail, and derek will echo the sentiment with a peck on jackson’s cheek and vice versa.

it’s really, really good. they’re happy.

ANYWAYS, hope you enjoyed my fucking thesis that you definitely didn’t ask for but got anyway. if anyone’s actually still reading this you’re the realest.

#sterekson #stackson #sterek #halemore #florenceandthemachine #ask #i am genuinely sorry for the rambling lmao #at least i had the decency to use a read more ur welcome

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