#i honest to god cried more than i've cried at anything and i didn't even want to talk about it :'')
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I hope it's okay to pop in like this. I've seen others ask for little fun facts, and it made me really curious about some of the lesser talked about angels like Armoni and Dina.. (*´▽｀) would you be willing to share some precious tidbits about them as well? They're some of my favourites
Hello! It's more than okay!! I'm happy you like Armoni and Dina! :) I think they're both fun.
First, something about the two of them is that, a little after the war, Armoni (along with Azazel) scared away the angels that were harassing Dina; this is how Armoni and Azazel adopted Dina, essentially. Armoni comes off as very tough-love-y with Dina, but he cares about him a lot. Armoni will fix up Dina's clothes and accompany him everywhere and fight for him whenever Dina gets into a confrontation with a sanctimonious "pure" angel. Armoni can be very gentle though, and sometimes he will literally tuck Dina into bed, kiss his forehead and all.
Armoni, as its said in A&M, never particularly liked Lucifer, though I do think he's exaggerating his dislike when he remembers it. I think at the time he wouldn't have been honest to himself about being jealous of Lucifer's beauty. I also think that, if he ever interacted with angel Lucifer, he was very polite, then went home with a big frown. Armoni wants to be the most beautiful but mostly lacks the confidence (and is more self-conscious than he'd like the admit) and understands he has an attitude problem. Armoni really loves Azazel as well and occasionally asks Azazel to practice cosmetics on him. Armoni also likes musics and grapes and gossiping, much like Azazel. He misses the old Heaven, but all his old friends have forsaken him, and he wouldn't trade his new friends for anything in the world. Also, he's sex-repulsed, if you didn't catch it.
Dina.... So Dina was "stunted" a bit by the war and is struggling to mature. In a sense, he's a lot like Lucifer in Part 1 of ABM! He cries a lot and gets overwhelmed easily and doesn't like to be stared at too much. Immediately after the war, Dina was berated for not just stealing but for other sins he didn't commit, and he was made to feel ashamed of his face and body, and he was ordered to hide his "seductive" face. Since then, he's been mostly wearing that veil over his hair and sometimes over his face. Though Dina was forgiven by God, he doesn't feel forgiven, and he will sometimes look for Phanuel and follow him around distantly, wanting to apologize. He may have even tried, but other angels won't let him approach Phanuel, and Phanuel himself has been mute since the war, so Dina knows he wouldn't be able to receive forgiveness anyway; Dina is very miserable about this. While the Watchers plot is happening, I think Dina spends a lot of time indoors and doing various things to try to discover his role/purpose, but nothing is really clicking with him. Also during A&M, Dina prayed often to God to make sure that Azazel and Armoni were safe.
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hihi! loveee this blog god bless both of you i'm tweaking waiting for venture to come out 😭😭 might be a bit odd but if it's something either of you feel comfortable writing about, could i request them with an audhd masc reader who's really struggling with executive dysfunction? like they're struggling to do anything and feeling really down and ashamed about it (me rn T~T) thanks!!
Venture w/ Audhd!Reader!
It's not odd at all! We both get the same way fjsofndk, have some hurt/comfort for ya <3 -Frisk & Xorn
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(Good lord we need more Venture gifs-)
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This was stupid, you were stupid, having a job was stupid- everything was stupid!
It's so easy, all you have to do is just get up, grab a pencil, and write a few words! It's quite literally the easiest assignment you've ever gotten from the Wayfinders! Ever!
Yet for some stupid, unknown reason you just- couldn't. No matter how much you yelled at yourself or cried, feeling useless, you couldn't get up. It was pathetic, sad, pitiful, everything you didn't want to be and yet, were.
You were sure your partner would be able to do this, anyone would be able to do this, so why couldn't you!? Groaning, you desperately wish to push yourself up and out of bed, yet make no movement to do so.
Stuck in your own head, you don't notice Venture knocking on your door, or stepping into your room after a few minutes of waiting. You only acknowledge them after they scare the shit out of you by grabbing your shoulder.
"What the fuck-!" You're finally able to move, even if it wasn't thanks to the best circumstances-
"Sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!" They laugh slightly, cheeks a bit darker than usual as they bend their knees slightly so they're eye level with you as you sit up in bed.
They slowly look you over, drawing their own conclusions as to how you're feeling and gently pushing you so you're on one side of the bed before grabbing something from the desk on the other side of your room and snuggling up next to you.
"So I'm gonna take just a wild, crazy guess here and say you haven't done any work today?" They hold out what they'd grabbed, apparently it was your assignment from the Wayfinders. Just seeing the paper sucks any energy you had left out of you as you groan.
They laugh pitifully at your misery, patting you on the back and setting the paper down on your lap. "I'll be honest, I haven't gotten a whole lot done today either. I'm a bit of a slacker myself from time to time!"
Venture throws an arm around your shoulders pulling you into their side softly as they nuzzle your cheek teasingly. "Buuut I've still gotten more done than you, so I'm on a winning streak technically! Though I guess I could be the best partner ever, which I already am, and help you out a bit."
Of course they'd turn it into a challenge, if there was one thing Venture adored, it was winning something. You could imagine their smug look already, as adorable as it was, you simply couldn't hand it to them that easily. Plus..the paper was already there, maybe you could just do a little, just so you would have it out of the way faster.
As you take the assignment from Ventures lap, you slowly start to write a few words, finally getting something done as Venture talks your ear off about how awesome they were.
About halfway through, it hits you that this was their attempt at helping, at getting you motivated. It was always easier to do things when they were around, and they knew it.
They still ended up with a stupid, adorable, smug smile on their face at the end of the day.
Hiii here are some headcannons to add on <3 -Xor
First of all it just sucks , wanting to do things but not being able to will yourself to do them is actually just awful.
Venture makes it a point just to generally check in on you and make sure you're feeling okay overall.
They then immediately delve into "how can I help you?" Asking you what you want or need to do but just can't seem to.
If it's something personal then they'll leave it to you unless you want their help. However if it's not then they ask you how you would perform the task and try to help you out with it.
The whole time they're really understanding and encourage you, not to do things but so you don't feel horrible about not doing them.
They try to find ways to interweave things you really enjoy doing along with said tasks , trying to help the tasks seem bearable in a way.
And if you simply can't, then it's a good time to relax and work out a half plan, for anything that needs to be done and try to do it layer.
They aren't going to push you to do anything just gentle yet loud encouragement and a couple nudges in the right direction.
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I remember saying phrases like:
"I'm getting worse"
"I'm declining and that's not typical of my diagnosis"
"I'm in more pain"
"I'm more exhausted"
"I'm not getting any better"
"this medication isn't helping"
"I'm struggling with my balance & coordination"
"I get weakness in my limbs"
"I now need help for daily tasks"
"my lymph nodes are swollen"
"I'm asking for help and noone is doing anything"
"can I please have an MRI or more tests done"
But they didn't listen. They either didn't think it was enough to warrant looking at, they didn't care, saw me as a hypochondriac, whatever it was I don't fucking care. They didn't listen.
And now my brain is fucked. FUCKED.
Lesions aplenty. I've started to notice the decline coming faster, my short term memory is gone (past 3 years), it will take me 5 to 10 tries to remember a word and even then I might have to describe it instead, because I can't remember the word, I'm reading family members names like I don't know who the hell they are, I'm more exhausted than ever before, physically and mentally, the head pain is constant, either low level or at it's max, it's always there, my eyes hurt, to touch to blink, to exist, my hairs falling out, I have all sorts of lumps and bumps in my skin attributed to MCAS, it's simply non stop.
I have cried, begged, screamed, persistently asked for help, been extra extra extra polite thinking I'd get somewhere with that, I've consistently told them the (God's) honest truth, and been turned away, diminished, manipulated into believing it's something else like anxiety, that I'm just a headcase.
It's as if when I ask for help, they think it's just for that day, as if im only experiencing those symptoms, when I dare to complain about them, to them.
We're led to believe they can help. They can, but they'll decide if, when, how, why. We're told they can help us. They can, but they don't listen and think it's an exaggeration.
I remember when I asked for help. The doctors face. The words of denial I received. The disdainful look, like I was making it up. The blame they put on me, for experiencing the symptoms I still am.
I remember when I asked for help, now look at me.
#tw medical#text post#tw doctors#chronic life#chronic pain#chronic illness#chronically ill#chronic fatigue#spoonie problems#chronic migraine#brain pain#migraine#mcas#do you get it now doc
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Was it worth it?
I swear to god if this is who I think it is I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I'm going to be brutally fucking honest about my feelings and I don't care, if you decide to read this that's on you. I have blocked you five times, there is a hint and then there's a blatant get the fuck away from me.
But, if you're not who I think you are, in some capacity I'd say yes. Fair warning, a lot of bad stuff mentioned, also a bit of a rant because I've never told anyone outside a few friends who aren't on tumblr. Also I'm sorry, this is gonna be long and disjointed, the whole thing makes me angry to an unnatural degree, I've never been this angry at someone in my life. TL;DR just below the cut:
TL;DR: my ex destroyed my mental state and Trollhunters made me realize that, now I'm single and happier for it. Now onto the rage.
I made a lot of friends despite my partner's actions, and I have characters who I absolutely love, I'm free, I feel good, I'm not scared to be alive. I'd say it wasn't worth all the bullshit I put up with. I'm angry at myself because I was so spineless, even now I still can't fucking make heads or tails of half the shit that happened.
I don't care anymore. They'll always see me as a horrible person, I did my best and I was never enough, I'd never be enough no matter how much I tried. No matter how many times I cried, no matter how many times I had to hide things from myself so I wouldn't leave new marks, no matter how many times I apologized, it'd always be my own fault and at this point I've just accepted I was fucking pathetic and horrible and I don't care. I had to spend every waking fucking moment catering to them, talking to them, and they'd get angry because I wouldn't realize what was wrong and I wouldn't fucking pry it out of them and bend over backwards for days to make them feel better. I had to ask for a break somewhere in the middle because between classes, work, and them, I was so fucking overwhelmed and I tried to explain it to them but they didn't believe me or didn't care but every time they had the chance they'd rub my face in the fact they were so hurt over the fact I needed a break to regather myself.
Mind you, their pain was more important than mine. When I first had Jackie, she was my favorite OC. I loved using her, I still do, but they hid their feelings about her for so long that when they told me they didn't like her and called my emotions toxic for being upset. When they tried to rub that break in my fucking face again I told them about the absolute painful hurt I felt over what they told me and most essentially they basically told me that pain didn't mean anything because it wasn't like their pain. I was fucking trying to craft her to be appealing to them, to make her what they wanted so we could just be happy again but they fucking threw all that out the window.
Wanna hear the best part? I couldn't fucking talk to anyone outside of them publicly, even to use Jackie with others despite the fact they hated her. I have Sage to thank, because they were the first person I interacted with publicly that made me start seeing my partner for who they were. They got so fucking mad over a short text RP, later told me they wanted me to make friends, then fucking went back on it and fucking got upset because I apparently treated people I talked to casually better than them.
They rubbed my face in the fact they had breakdowns in public because of shit they started. When I'd pass out they'd get quiet with me and have a short temper but if they passed out I had to be understanding. If they vanished for days at a time I wasn't allowed to be upset but if I vanished they'd have a fucking breakdown. I made myself be so understanding to them becsuse they were sick and they never fucking thought twice. Never. Because I wasn't sick like them that meant I always had to be perfectly fine. Always. Perfectly. Fucking. Fine. They admitted to me they tried to train me. Train me. Like I'm a dog. Like I'm a fucking dog. I cannot begin to tell you the absolute whirlwind of rage I felt in the moment I read that but I kept my head by some fucking miracle.
Trollhunters is what broke the back of all the shit that'd been happening. It started with Undertale, it ended with Trollhunters, and they took my fucking OC from me and told me for years that that OC wasn't mine exclusively, and now I don't have a fucking choice. I can't even begin to describe the absolutely disgusting anger I feel over the fact I literally can do nothing to get my OC back because they've told me for years she wasn't mine and I can't fucking remember anything clearly and I doubt myself constantly now. I cannot begin to describe the absolute disgust it makes me feel I can't do anything to fucking get my OC back and that I hate more of my OCs because of their bullshit.
To contact a fucking artist, an amazing, wonderful person fucking 5 years later and say that I stole their OC and to take down the art? What the fuck. Funnily enough, I have Jackie most specifically to thank for making me realize! Wanna know what the fuck they said to me? "I was upset because I felt you loved her more than me." I WISH I WAS FUCKING LYING. I have so few screenshots but Jesus fucking christ I cannot explain to you the absolute seriousness in which that was stated.
I cannot even begin to describe the anger I feel over everything that happened. Not in the fucking slightest. They always accused me of not loving them anymore, of hating them, when they first started saying that it wasn't true, but now I can't fucking stand the idea of them anymore. I hope they see all the shit I do now, how much I draw Jackie being happy despite their shit.
So yeah. I have Trollhunters and Jackie to thank for helping me realize how bad things had gotten, because if it weren't for my absolute hyperfocus on it I don't think I would've seen what'd happened as soon as I did. There are so many emotions in here I can't describe at all, and I know if they saw this they'd immediately try attacking me publicly. Hell they might see this because I've had to block four fucking accounts already. Five if you count discord.
I feel like I should've taken way more screenshots than I did, but I'm not going to post them, I want to move on from this but I have so much simmering rage over what's happened its taking me a while. They're not in the Trollhunters fandom, at least, they're barely on social media as is aside from lingering accounts. Trollhunters is my safe space now, as is Jackie and my closest friends.
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IT ENDS WITH HER
Yelena x Fem! Plus size! Reader
WC: 1.3k
TW INFIDELITY/CHEATING!! implied recording. reader's bf is neglectful and ngl kinda toxic
NOTE I DO NOT SUPPORT CHEATING IRL!! MOST OF THIS WAS FOR PLOT. also wow. i rlly went all out on this
imagine yelena being your best friend. you trust her with your life, and vice versa. you two have been friends for years, going through thick and thin together. over the first year of knowing you, yelena started developing romantic feelings for you. of course, she was too scared to tell you. she didn't want to ruin the relationship you two had then. so, she tossed those feelings aside; and as time went on, those feelings continued to grow and grow, eventually taking up her mind. just the very thought of you made her heart flutter, and her face flush. she's been building up courage for months, and now that she's finally ready to tell you, youve got a boyfriend.
a shitty one at that. there's countless times youve cried to her, sobbing into her chest while she comforts you. he treats you as if you don't matter. brushing you off when you try to get his attention, not bothering to text or call you, talking to other women, you don't understand. you do everything to try and get him to pay attention to you, why is it not working? when you two weren't together, it was like he was obsessed with you. like he loved you more than anything. why now, why now does he act like this? 3 months into the relationship, and he's acting like he doesn't even know you.
youve told yelena all of this, and it made her blood boil. seeing you so hurt by someone like him. you didn't want her to get involved, so of course, she respected your wish and didnt do or say anything to him. but.. you didnt say she couldnt do anything to you.
pulled you up onto her lap by her shoulder, so youre now straddling her. you wiped your years, your face now puzzled on confusion. "wh-what's wrong?" you sniffled out. she pulled you closer by your waist, your faces now just inches away.
"he's what's wrong." she stated, slowly coming in closer. she continued; "(Y/n), I don't understand why you're still with him. I've seen how he treats you, I've seen how he really acts." Her arms wrap around your waist, one leaving to trail down your thigh.
"Why don't you leave him for someone who could treat you so much better-" She began to trail kisses from your face, down to your neck, kissing your tears away. "-Someone who could buy you the whole world if they wanted to." Although, she never made an attempt to press her lips to yours.
"Yelena- This is wrong, you know I have a boyfriend!" She pulled away, her face flushed, as is yours. "Really? You want to start with that now? I've caught you looking at me before, (Y/n). How you look away from me the monent I catch you staring, or how you always want to get all touchy-feely with me. Or even the way yours eyes look when chat, lovestruck and dazed." Her words caught you off guard, she was right. She was so right. You've been denying your feelings for her for so long, all because you wanted the attention from a man who never even bothered to look at you.
She smirked as you stared at her wide eyed and awe struck. "What, cat got your tongue? I was right, wasn't I?" Her hands moved from your waist, down to your hips. She squeezed and groped at the fat on your hips, her own starting to buck up into yours.
"It's okay, baby, you can be honest with me. I'm your best friend, after all, isn't that right?" God, she was reading you like a book. You felt so hot. Being so close to your dear friend like this, your chests pressed together, her slim yet toned stomach against your chubby one.
You couldn't believe you were about to say this, all while you're in a relationship. "Yelena, I..." You gulped. "I really like you.. I do... I just wish I could be with you. I wish I could hug and kiss you, every second of the day. I wish I could hold you as well. I wish I could touch you the way I touch my boyfriend but.. I can't." Your subconsciously cling onto her.
She forces your hips down fully onto her. she could feel her own wetness pool into her boxers, feeling your heat so close to hers. she could feel the warmth from between your dimpled thighs.
She leans in close, her hot breath fanning against your ear; "Says who? He isn't around right now, and I'm not a tattletale." She smirked, watching you as your face heated up from embarrassment. You attempted to scramble off of her, but she pulled you even closer, if that was possible.
"But-" She shushed you.
"But what? 'Oh but he'll know' not if we don't tell. Now, come here." This was really happening. And you were ashamed, ashamed from how badly you wanted this. But nonetheless, you obeyed. Seating yourself on her lap while she played with you however she so desired.
"Before I start anything, I want to hear you say how you really feel about me. Tell me how badly you've wanted this."
'fuck it' you told yourself. you're already in this deep, you've got nothing left to lose. he's never treated you like this. he's never put yout feelings into consideration like this. Yelena is so much better than you boyfriend, what are you doing wasting your time with him? you have your chance, now take it.
"Yelena, I love you! I love you so much. For years I've felt this way, I just didnt want to ruin our relationship together! God, everytime I look at you I can't help but think how beautiful you are.." She was a bit taken aback from how forward you were all of a sudden, but she quickly composed herself. "And? What else?" She teased, want you to keep going as she began rubbing her thigh along your wet panties.
'ah. she wanted you to tell her.. that stuff.' You whimpered as you slid against her thigh, desperate for more. "A-and.. I've touched myself to the- the thought of you.." She began rubbing faster, you felt your clit twitch in excitement as a knot began to tie itself in your abdomen.
Your eyes traced across her hands. "And how- And how your hands would feel a-across my neck.. and how your finger would feel in-inside me.." She gripped her shoulders and grinded yourself onto him, the pressure in your stomach becoming almost too much.
"inside of you, huh? naughty girl." she trailed her hand down, carressing your pussy. just the feeling of her touching you down there drove you crazy. she felt you through your panties; before finally diving in. as soon as she rubbed circles into your clit, you came undone.
"ngh- ah! Y-Yelena!" you moaned out, toppling over. your shouted her name as she kept on rubbing tight, fast circles over your bundle of nerves. god, this felt so much better. it felt so much better when she was touching you, not just some toy or your own fingers, but her.
she pulled her fingers away, showing you your own slick. "wow, i never knew you could be so naughty.. he's really missing out." she joked, giving you a show of her licking your cum off her fingers.
all of your worries melted away as soon as you were with her. what do you even need him for. why stay with him, when you can have Yelena? she'd do so much more for you. treat you so much better.
"Come on, darling, why don't we keep going?-" She took your phone and turned on the camera, switching to video. "-And show him everything he's missing out on."
#click2play#aot smut#snk smut#yelena aot#yelena x reader#yelena snk#snk yelena#aot yelena#yelena smut#inc0gnitobrowser
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I can't believe I'm doing this.
I just don't get it. Why does everyone insist I have feelings for Stanley? I hate him! I've made that so very, very clear, and yet they simply don't stop? They pester me with their thoughts, baring their teeth when I stand my ground. I mean, really?
I get that we're stuck together, but does that really mean that I would inevitably think of him that way? For most of my existence, I haven't even been human! For us to be together is simply preposterous.
Oh, who am I kidding? Clearly, nobody. Everyone else has either acknowledged it or tried to convince me of it. I've tried so hard to really, truly believe that I could ever see Stanley as anything more than my enemy, but the longer I try not to think about it, the worse it's going to nag at me akin to a fly buzzing about a room.
I think that- just maybe- I might love Stanley. It's just...God, I'm being over-dramatic about all of this. I just don't know what to do about it! As much as I know him, as much as I may insist to myself that I can read him like lines on a script, I cannot. I don't understand what goes on in his head.
This is all so confusing! At most, maybe we could be friends. No matter how many colours I paint the sunset, it will continue to be beautiful in it's own way. I cannot change my thoughts on Stanley. I've left them sit and rot for so long that, now that I have finally picked them up and dusted them off, they've cemented themselves in their corner of my brain. All I can do is move them forward.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.
Addition #1 (because I know I'm going to make more of these eventually.)
When I had declared that I was going to stop looking at Tumblr to search for Stanley, I really was being honest, but...
I had something I've now been able to identify as a "mental breakdown". I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I was back to square one. I forgot that I was human. I sat on the floor, and I cried. I haven't been able to pinpoint why, but I remember that it hurt. It hurt more than I had ever hurt before- and really, I hadn't. I was able to block those feelings out, but now?
Why is this so difficult? I cannot properly articulate what happened to me then, however long it was. I must have spent hours sitting there, attempting to ground myself to no avail. I don't know what brought me out of it, but I'm thankful to whatever it was. I might've never gotten anywhere without it.
Addition #2
I do not know for sure, but I believe it may have been the imaginary kittens that made me feel better. Such small creatures that unknowingly hold so much joy!
Yes, I feel infinitely better just thinking about them. How peculiar, how simple kittens bring so much happiness. I suppose I will have to study this some other time.
Addition #3
I don't know how to feel.
He said he would kiss me. He said
He lied. He didn't mean it. He didn't fucking mean it. He never meant any of it. He lied to me. Why did he lie to me? Does he hate me that much? I thought we had finally decided to turn over a new leaf, he said he was sorry.
I really, really don't know how to feel. This is different. I just don't want to talk to him right now. Not for a while. I don't know how long "a while" will last, but I just hope that he doesn't come and bother me.
Addition #4
I'll be honest, I forgot about this. Probably not for the best.
I am a terrible, horrible person. I've come to that conclusion a few times. I want to think that I have come to peace with it. Going back to that chocolate analogy I made earlier; I feel as though I have picked one out of the box older than others. The sugar has settled and has gone rotten.
Curiosity does really kill the cat, doesn't it? I wanted to know who I was, and look what that's brought me. I don't even know what my thoughts on Stanley are anymore. Surely, he hates me, there's no denying it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Addition #5
I'm worried about Stanley. I wanted to forget about him. I wanted to return to the life I had before, because at least that made sense. At least I knew where it was going. I hated that life, but at the very least, it made sense.
It hurts.
Addition #6
I don't think there's a much worse scenario than this. I can't let him get hurt, but at the same time, I could get both of us killed.
Why? Why did this happen? Why did it have to be me?
...
Six wouldn't mind taking another favor, would he?
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since you started to work on the mirror essence’s skins, is it alright if I asked about some of the lore?
To be honest, the lore is kinda big and all over the place, and it's not finished yet, but I'll do my best to explain part of it, and what better way to start with the lore than with Laurence? I mean, he's the first skin I've posted, and he's also one of the characters I think about the most and have the most lore about of all. No worries, it won't be that confusing because Lau was present even before the mirror world existed.
Anyway here we go!! The following is the backstory of both Phineas, Laurence and Flynn but only at the beginning and not all of it and is a bit long and maybe OOC but bear with me!!
(TW:- death, grief and depression)
Laurence and Phineas were best buds in a small town back in the 1920s or 1960s. They had this one stupid habit since they were kids: sneaking out at night even though their families warned them it was dangerous, especially going to the nearby forest, which was like a death trap! They were fearless and somehow nothing bad ever happened to them, but that didn't apply to everyone else.
One day, Flynn caught his brother sneaking out and decided to secretly follow him to the forest. But damn, that place was so big and dark that he lost Phineas, who had already met up with Laurence. They were fooling around like always. Meanwhile, poor Flynn was lost deep in the scary forest, all alone and terrified, screaming for his brother for help, but no one heard him. Well, almost no one. It seems his cries caught the attention of some wild wolves, and that definitely wasn't a good thing.
Phineas and Laurence were hanging out under their favorite big willow tree in the middle of the forest. They were so far away from the town by this point. Suddenly, they finally heard Flynn's screams, and they were filled with terror. Fear covered both of their faces as they jumped up and raced to save Flynn, wherever he was and whatever danger he was in. But then, the screaming stopped, making Phineas even more terrified.
They finally found Flynn, being attacked by wild wolves! They grabbed anything they could find to scare the wolves away. After a long and painful fight, they managed to chase them off. But it was too late. Flynn was on the verge of death, blood everywhere from his ripped-off arm. Phineas picked him up, trying to run back to the town for help, but they were so far away that Flynn died in Phineas' arms, nowhere near any the town nor any help.
Laurence could only stand there, in shock, as Phineas cried and begged God not to take away his brother. It only got worse from there. Phineas fell into deep stage of grief and depression. He isolated himself, hating the world outside and blaming himself for Flynn's death. Years went by, and he never got better. All Laurence could do was be there, comforting him, but it broke his heart to see his once lively and cheerful friend turn into a shell of his former self.
Then one day, Phineas went missing, like he vanished into thin air. Rumors started flying around, each one worse than the next. Laurence couldn't stand hearing those awful rumours anymore, so he decided to find Phineas or at least some clue about what may had happened to him. The first place he thought of was the forest where Flynn died. He searched for hours, reaching the deepest parts and the willow tree where they used to hang out. Everything seemed normal and he was about to give up… until he stumbled upon a mirror embedded in the ground. Oddly enough, he saw no reflection in the mirror, even his own.
While staring at the reflection-less mirror, Laurence thought he saw Phineas for a split second and turned around, thinking his friend was behind him. But he wasn't. Only an unclear image of Phineas was in the mirror, confusing Laurence even more. He leaned in to get a closer look but ended up falling into the mirror like a rabbit hole!
...That was the day Laurence disappeared, never to be seen again. It was also the day that marked the first victim of The Mirror's World.
I would had talked more about the lore but I feel this is enough for now :)!!
#the circus of mirrors essence#identity v oc#identity v#identity v ask blog#idv#identity v hunter#phineas smith#ask blog#ask#the showman phineas#identity v survivor#news reporter// laurence godfrey#Flynn smith#the knives thrower
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*throws confetti*
HEY Y'ALL I OFFICIALLY REACHED THE 1000 post milestone!! (...a few posts ago..)
So... now feels like a good time to do some self reflection. TW: blunt discussion and mention of suicidal thoughts/suicide & self harm
I've been thinking a lot recently about where I was about this time last year and where I am now.
I'm going to be honest. A year ago, I was in a very dark place. Starting in August of 2021, I kept coming up with reasons to put off killing myself. First it was my cousin's birthday, then it was my other cousin's birthday, then my brother's, then Halloween, then my dad's, then mine, etc.
I had frequent intrusive thoughts about dying. There's a bridge not far from my house and I seriously considered jumping off of it (and unfortunately have had those thoughts since but not nearly as seriously). It was a time where I didn't think I'd keep living. I forcefully steered my mind away from suicide plans because I felt a need to please people by staying alive. I felt like... I wasn't allowed to die. That was something everyone else got to do but not me. I wasn't given such luxuries.
I've said several times since that the thing that really kept me living was my cat, Purrshia. And it's true. I felt very alone at this time and I didn't want to make anyone worry about me by seriously talking about what I was feeling. I often felt unloved or unloveable.
But I knew I couldn't go because who would look after my cat?
Maybe it's a flimsy reason for living but it's what worked for me and a large part of why I'm still around and doing much, much better!
What happened was... I shut down. Honestly, I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't make myself work on anything, all I could do was watch dog videos on youtube.
I lived at home at the time and still do and so my parents took me and got me diagnosed with depression and stuff and got me on anti depressants. Which I can't state enough what a difference they've made in my life. at first the dose was too low so we upped it and since then I've definitely been able to tell the difference. They allowed me to find some sort of joy in life and begin to heal. I didn't do a lot and existing was hard but I was still existing.
Starting early this year was when I really.. dabbled in self harm, I'd say. I've never been a cutter personally simply because I didn't want to have to deal with the blood. Seemed like a pain to hide, so I didn't do that. I did stab myself with my fingernails though. And bit myself. It was something I'd do when I was having a meltdown and had all these emotions and no way to express or understand them and I just needed an outlet of some sort.
I cried a lot.
I had no love for myself. I had no plans or hope for the future. I had intrusive thoughts of how worthless I felt all the time.
this is harder to talk about than I thought it'd be honestly
I can't honestly say what changed. I did go to therapy, which stopped in May I think because financial problems and that's when I got on tumblr. Which I think has been a lot of the change.
For a while, I needed a place to spew my thoughts. And this blog was that place. Somewhere where my family and friends wouldn't see it and no one could judge me, no one knew me, no one could say I was wrong.
It's changed from being my trauma dump now. I have a lot more support, more people to talk to, I feel a lot better now than I even did in May.
I joined a discord server of other queer members/former members of my faith and that's been a huge blessing. I've had a big problem with my church since I came out to myself as nonbinary and they've helped me still feel a connection to God without putting myself in a situation that hurts me.
I also made a discord server with my lovely mutuals (HI MAFIA FRIENDS!) that's been another really unexpected blessing! I can't state enough how much I love these people, even Achi! Who I was very scared would end up accidentally taking over and shoving me out. But she's been fabulous to have around and I do love her chaotic energy and I think our group is better for having her!
I realized a few weeks ago that I stopped hating myself. My love for myself is not the strongest but it's starting to exist and get stronger. It's weird to be healing that like. It's weird to reflect on how much I hurt, how... dark my situation had become. You could see it in my eyes how much I was hurting and now you can look at them and see joy and brightness and love and happiness. It's something my family has noticed, maybe it's something my friends have noticed.
I've gotten more confident. I assert myself now like I never have before, like I was always scared to. I've been learning to ask for help and to validate myself. I've been learning to be a more functional human (which is very hard, lol). I have dreams and hopes and plans for my future. I have so many great friends who cherish me and who I cherish and who have helped me immensely.
In a way, healing scares me. I'm used to hurting. I worry that because my pain is less now, that it's somehow invalid. I try not to listen to those parts too much.
I definitely have a long way to go still. But I've also come so far.
I'm really glad. I feel like I don't ever have to go back to that dark place again. For a while I worried that I would, that this might be a cycle that would never end.
I don't think that anymore. I think some healing is permanent.
I've learned a lot, about myself and other people. I've gotten stronger. I'm happier for sure! I like life, honestly.
And now it's spooky season and that's my favo(u)rite time! And I'm starting projects and actually finishing them and doing things I always wanted to but never could do before!
I'm proud of myself :D
And no matter what happens, I'm gonna keep going. Because I know things do get better and they're so beautiful now. I love life, and I love me.
#1000 posts#tumblr milestone#self reflection#Signed In Ink#shout out to my mutuals!#you're all fabulous and lovely as always <3#tw self harm#tw intrusive thoughts#tw suicidal thoughts#tw depression
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lisa, honey, is the end of an era I FINISHED TEEN WOLF
honestly i can't believe it, it's been quite the journey and i wasn't ready for the end, i miss my characters what am i gonna do help
i was waiting for taylor's announcement and decided "ok, this is it, i'm gonna finish it" AND I DID AND I'M DEVASTATED
first of all, the very ending, when scott says "they're my friends... my pack" and they all walked together i was bawling my eyes out, i got so attached to all of them, i couldn't help it. i also cried SO MUCH when theo took that boy's pain because now he cares 😭😭😭😭 it was so emotional i was silently screaming on the couch
malia and scott trying to learn how to fight without seeing was incredible and i was shocked when deucalion died. peter and derek came wich was great because i missed them! OH, CHRIS ARGENT AND DEREK HALE IN BRAZIL, I SCREAMED SO LOUD, I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN.
the plot for 6b was really interesting btw, how fear can turn people into killers, there's a similar plot in supergirl and it's one of my favorite seasons. also, monroe was disgusting, everytime she showed up i was like "oh god, here we go again", the way she's a guidance counselor and talks about killing kids like it's killing a mosquito, she was terrible. and gerard... that man is the devil, that's all i'm gonna say
lydia and malia in the morgue was one of the best scenes of these last episodes for me, when lydia is like "pfff there's no way i'm gonna touch-" and malia just grabs her hand and place it on the corpse, i laughed so hard. i love their friendship.
now can we talk about the way that scott literally clawed his own eyes out to stop the anuk-ite from turning him into stone, i almost died. he's such an angel, he's just genuinely such a good boy i love him so much, i wanted to hug him so badly. the way malia had to kiss him later to trigger the healing process, it was really cute too.
i just think that they did my girl dirty in the last episode, lydia didn't do anything, i was sad. they spend all this time saying how her scream is extremely powerfull and everytime we get to the big fights, she never uses it. i mean, she saw malia turned to stone and literally disappeared until it was time to help scott with the eye thing, i was really upset about it
and of course, stydia. i think they forgot they made it canon, there's no other answer. i don't think they even interacted in the last episode, we were robbed. but at least stiles came back, i literally screamed when he showed up in his jeep, my dad was laughing at my excitement
chris and melissa are a great couple, i loved it for them. but i'm also curious about the movie because with allison coming back, this is going to be a gossip girl situation, but i'm here for it.
the nogitsune saying scott failed allison also broke my heart, i think i cried more than anything while watching the finale lol
well, i guess that's it, at least that's what i could remember. please tell me your thoughts, now that i'm done i'm dying to know! and about jane eyre, i'm reaching the end, she's in the moor house. she just got better and is bonding with the two other girls!
thanks for listening to me, you're really lovely <3
you finished teen wolf!! dear lord it hurts. from the season 6a ending alone i was absolutely devastated, i remember i literally had to go walk around outside for like half an hour because i couldn't take it. read into that as you will.
also, let's talk about theo's character development!! that's how you do it. he could take the boy's pain bc he had grown so much!! still makes me lose it.
no actually scott mccall deserves the world and i will never shut up about that. he is one of the honest to god best tv protagonists i've seen because he's so unselfish and kind it's insane. the clawing the eyes out thing was absolutely brutal and it killed me when i saw it.
yes, lydia was totally misused! it still bothers me that they waited so long to develop her banshee abilities and then she only used them once and twice. she could have been so powerful if she was allowed to be, which is so annoying. and yess the stydia agenda was kind of sidetracked throughout the entirety of that show. they loved teasing it but didn't actually want to show it lol.
i am fascinated to see how the teen wolf movie deals with allison. i loved that the show kept referencing her- i feel like it's super common to have a show that kills off a beloved character and then just never brings them up again? glad that wasn't the case here, but yeah allison somehow coming back from the dead is going to be bizarre.
i love your takes!! i'm so glad you liked the show, and would love to keep talking about teen wolf + future shows if given the chance. teen wolf is honestly one of my favorite shows because i felt such a strong wave of emotions throughout the entirety of it. love it and love you!!
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death as a concept in the matter of pain
I will never know happiness
"what a mess of a concept"
dripped from my lips as the stars curled around her hips and her smile slightly reminded me of that forlorn feeling.
I wish I was healing
but instead I feel as though I'm stealing
the breathe and air of others out there
where I collapse and relapse and feel this pain
that sustains my conscious, my honest integrity doesn't mean anything to me anymore
I am in poor spirits and you will hear it
the sun sank away today giving into night's glow
I don't know how long I can keep this going
it's showing up in the cups that drop from my hand
I plead with the others, I hope they understand
it's bland and gray in that melodramatic kind of way
I hold my hands as to pray but also to examine decay
I wish there was a way I could say something better
but this mortal form was destined to fetter
my eyes are wetter than they've even been
I feel so lonely, as I've ever been
my hands feel weak and my eyes desire no longer to seek
I feel so meek and forlorn I'm torn apart by agony and around me are smiling faces
reminds me of better places, better spaces I've been in
Am I some form of sin to deserve this in this life
why does my heart feel cut apart by a knife
strife and agony, wounds and maggoty
I will never marry,
maybe they will bury me before I can turn my fiancee into a widow
hitherto the moon and the flowers silent bloom
I want my bride
I want to be alive
I want to strive
but instead I feel as to connive
I will never raise children with my love
I will never teach them the stories of the dove
they will shove me in a wooden box with no locks
and drop me down into the ground
Dirt will surround me
an end to agony but also an end to existence
I look at the world, I know I will miss them
blemishes and bruises concludes my condition
I talk so much but no one will listen
One day the last sweat will glisten off my brow
now that's all I am feeling
wheeling me in off an ambulance
a trance of morphine and lucid dreams
I scream and cry and ask God oh why
I want to try but also I wish to die
I wish I didn't have to die but at times I wish I were dead
Anything, instead
of this feeling of dread and uncertainty
it hurts me and mars me and makes me all gloomy
if you knew me you'd see this is not an uncommon occurrence
but heard this since I am a dead prince
I feel I feel
As though death is no longer something I can decide
Deride myself and everything else
and it pelts my conscious
I am honest I am telling you how I feel
how I keel over and over and over
You should believe I am sober
And that my life feels so over
I wish I pray I can make it to October
But I don't know if I can hold over that long
I don't feel that strong
I think of the warm curves of womanhood
and the comfort they bring, as they should
I held my lover in my arms
she numbs what harms
I think of the beauty of fertility and futility
the humility of human existence
and this person, I can kiss this
I miss her blessings and her lessons
Her legs swing off the bed
I wish I was better instead
I've bled and cried and tried everything
But things seem to sting
my ears ring for no reason
this is not the time, this is not the season
I'm leaving I'm afraid
I've tried my best, I've prayed
I've laid on my floor and asked God for more
Time, and for me to be fine
I want to see countless more sunshines
And sunsets and couplets that make me cry
I want to try but it hurts so much I akin it to die
I fry out and cry out my doubts in hope that something better is abound but pain is one to surround the ground feels like home
there's pain in my dome
I roam in pain
Life is one to sustain
I wane and shiver like a arrow in a quiver
is death really to deliver?
I figure ligaments tear and turn and burn
I learn so much and know so little
I fiddle with my hands and with my heart
Life is art, even the most evil parts
I start with the idea of my woman's naked body
Her form will haunt me
I want to be next to her
I want that feeling when I kiss her and blur
her is she and she is pretty
I look at her in bed, will she miss me?
She rains me with kisses and wishes for the future
It hurts to be there for her
When I'm not sure what I can promise her
the stars remind me of her skin
the moon reminds me of her when she brings me in
To her arms and holds me so close as to disarm
she is beauty she is so pretty
I think of fertility
and the pretty way she welcomes me in
the way she holds me so close, skin to skin
To begin is to plan an ending
to be in love is to blend, never bending
I'm rending myself over and over
I just don't want my life to be over
I miss the way my lover welcomes me in
I love the way we begin
Heart to heart
and forgive me for the start of my decay
there is a way I pray I don't really talk about
I go to a tree with tobacco and my doubt
and speak to God, hope to reroute
I pout and plead and need so much more
I'm sorry God, I don't know for sure
I want her and I'm sorry I wanted anything else
I want my health, I'm sorry I wanted anything else
I melts into a mockery of me
This is what pain is here to see
I am me in agony but not me he has departed me
fragility of anatomy, my soul abandons me
hopelessly or hopefully I persist
Day by day
I can't tell you if I am promised today
Or tomorrow
every day feels borrowed like I need to pay it back
I can't relax but I want to relapse
I love the feeling when I collapse
Sickness and disease is something humanity needs
It humbles indeed helps us understand what I means to bleed what it means to proceed and hold yourself to a creed
I know what I need but not how to succeed
success is a mess of a concept, a wrong eclipse
I look at my woman, she is one I will miss
I kiss her forehead while she lies in bed
I pray for her wellbeing, her hopes, her needing
I am conceding to these helpless thoughts
That I'm not getting better
I don't want to tell her but I am in so much pain
It hurts it hurts to sustain
Pain is as much a part of being human as is consuming
As is blooming
As in assuming things for the best
But the rest is struggling like the blood bubbling in your lungs
"I'm too young" you say but that doesn't matter today
The way of famine is the way of the atom
decay is inherent in all things
All rings of metal will settle as globs steady
I pray to God "I am not ready"
It's messy but the way I pray is like the way I lay myself down to sleep
The way to peace, to release, to the stars and the crease of her smile
I wish I could stay here a while
ceiling tiles in hospital rooms and an impending sense of doom
I am in gloom, you can already assume
the room shifts and shuffles like the way my heart bubbles
I am in trouble I crumble slowly like who's eating me knows me
It's lonely looking at the wong baker faces
Like where am I placing this pain
Does it sustain itself between a 8 or a 10
when it decreases, what happens then
When will I feel better?
A voice in the back of my head says "never"
The weather tells me everything is ever changing
A wish for a status quo is a useless wish, you know
But to go forward is to experience pain
To go back is to wane and be ashamed of the past
relapse, relapse
Collapse on all my petty inhibitions
Please, will you listen?
Death of the author like an auditor death knocks on my door, please no more I am sore but I will get better I will get better leave me alone, leave an eviction letter. I am a trendsetter in agonizing pain
My will to sustain is one to assertain
The rain drips soft and slowly
the weather does know me
Mr. Lonely
I'm not going to have much of an obituary
and my grave will not be that fancy, in the cemetery
wear me like a set of clothes when you feel alone
That is my only way to atone I am alone
I will die alone and so far from home
So far from the warmth of my woman
In the black heat. Cooking
looking around frantically panicky manically
I want to get better
will you please please let me get better
I know what it is like to fetter I know what it's like to forget everything in a blur
I know what it's like to purr and I know what its like to curr
sure I can sure I can't
I feel like an ant covered in grave hormones
except i moans and groans and loans myself away
This is what it means to decay
This is what it means to pray
Today is not like tomorrow
Tomorrow is not like today
Can I stay
Can I stay
For longer
For longer
I want to raise a son and a daughter
I want her to tell me her future as it's my own
I want to provide a home for my family and me
I want to see the gray appear in my wife's hair
I want to be there for her
and her to be there for me
I want to be a positive to society
I don't wanna die, please
That is my pleas
That is my wheeze
That is the thieves
the reason I wish
I feel like a fish out of water
I want her, the sustaining
The raining the waning
The pain is remaining
containing myself is the self I wish I was
the stars cough at me, just because
I loves and loved and pushed and shove
I was somewhat rough but something is bound to errupt
A cup passes over me
Please
I am on my knees
to seize something better
let her hold me so much more
let her hold me so much more
for something I wish not to be stumbling until the later phases of life
Pain cuts me short, just like a knife
I miss truly feeling alive
I miss truly being able to strive
I've cried I've tried I've denied anything else
The self the self the self
What else?
Can I melts
surround me into her
I want to be with her
I know that for sure
Oh, youth,
I miss the idea of a tooth coming loose
and falling away
Without being a reminder of decay
I miss the way I'd feel my adult teeth growing in
I miss the pain in my shin
the one that told me life was about to begin
I am now just thin and lanky
Thank me for nothing more
I am just sore
I feel old in the way I hold onto this life
I don't want to die, not tonight
my future felt so bright
I wish I still felt that way
I wish I tell you I pray
I tell you today
I tell you the way I lay in my bed
Like the dead
I tell you the way I get caught up in my head
Life is so young, and has only just begun
But I have been wrung through the system
friends, and I miss them
A blemish, a bruise, a comet, to muse
My body is mine to abuse but not to lose
the ruse is misuse leads you away
hold me while I pray
Even even just for today
Good morning yesterday
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Stepping fully into faith?
A friend told me the other day I have to take time to process and deal what happened to me this year. I'm not really sure how one processes spiritual abuse. I've talked, I've cried, I've prayed and I've waited. It doesn't hurt so much now, I feel a sense of relief that I don't hold so much of a grudge against my abusers. I know that my sheer stubbornness will not allow them to hold that over me, I feel pity for them and compassion, knowing that this is not where they started from and not where they wanted to be. I wonder if they even are in a place to address that they may have lost their way. I have committed to pray for them each day and each day it gets easier to do so.
But, if I'm completely honest with myself I'm not sure I've processed it. I went back to the old church the two weeks ago and then the rest of the day I sobbed my heart out. That is surely not a sign that it's been processed!
Then, the other day in church God spoke to me. I know he's always speaking but I heard him for the first time in months! I didn't realise the trauma had stopped me from hearing. He told me that it was not how I was thought of in the old church or how my abuser was thought of but how Jesus was thought of.
Guilt came crashing down. I knew my whistleblowing was necessary. I needed to bring the abuse into the light, and that, in turn, revealed the extent of things. However I was able to understand where my guilt was coming from. I had previously had guilt for what I did, and the consequences it had for my abusers, their actions were wrong but the consequences of speaking out make me feel guilty for their futures and their family, though I would do it again.
This new guilt is coming from what the impact on the kingdom is. People they were close to will no longer set foot in church. People have lost faith in Christians, and worse, in Jesus, due to what happened. When I voiced this with a friend she told me to trust them to God. Wise words. However the sense of guilt is still there. The sense of not understanding how this could be the plan. The plan for me to be upended, to be placed somewhere my children are unhappy. To have the next steps I was about to take paused. To have people leaving church with a vow never to come back. The hurt. Right now it makes no sense. Right now it feels the opposite of God's work.
So what next? Quit? Give up? The more doors I push the more I feel trapped in the here and now.
This is where I am supposed to be…though I don't know why…
What should I be doing? Should I be carrying on even though processing the trauma has yet to fully happen, every time I think I'm there tears come or I think I see him and start to shake. I will have to process it at the speed I can and am able to. To me it all comes down to trust, each and every time. I could follow my own path or I could trust God. My worldly side thinks that I should plan, do something, anything. But where would that get me? God has been direct enough to shut down any attempts to do that.
All thoughts for the future involve me worried about the children, finances and practicalities of following the path of church leadership God has set before me. So, I feel that there is only one option open to me now.
That of obedience.
One step at a time, into what seems like darkness, knowing that God has a plan for the future even if he won't share it with me! That's faith at its fullest. I'm not sure I have faith at that level, if I'm honest, not yet. But I am starting to think I will when I get to where he's taking me!
And maybe, after all, that's the point! That its the journey, the daily walk with God, rather than the destination that I'm agreeing to. If I agree to the journey I need to keep my impatience in check long enough to trust Him with the destination.
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a painful memory
The time I was asked to pay rent.
I was 15 years old. I was the youngest lifeguard in my class and I studied harder for this test than I ever did actual school. The instructor (Romeo) singled me out because I was the youngest in the class and I got the highest score. This was after one season of swim team where I actually learned how to swim. From going to not even knowing what freestyle was, to always swimming in lane one (close to the wall), to being the best lifeguard graduate of our class of ... a whopping 10 people. I think I was a little high on myself to be completely honest.
I came back home from work one day and my dad was in the kitchen, wearing a white holy tshirt, he stoped me after I closed the front door. It was night time and I had no idea where my sister was and to be frank, I couldn't remember if she was still living with us. But my dad had told me he needed help paying the rent. That I needed to pay 200$ a month to him to help with the house and other costs. Of course in 2023.. 200$ is nothing but to a newly employed 15 year old who only made 8.25$ an hr, that was almost my whole months wages.
I was really angry. I was beyond angry. I don't think I've ever lashed out at my dad like that before. I always suffered in pain in my own room ever since they got divorced. But this was new low we had hit as a family of 2..maybe 3. I told him that I couldn't believe that he was asking me this. I told him how I NEVER ask him for anything anymore. That I got a boyfriend to buy me my first clunker car for 900$ and I paid for insurance myself. How I paid for gas to get myself to school. How I paid for food to eat, the clothes I wore, the things I did. How every time I wanted to got to a christian bible camp I paid for it myself, how I paid for my own volleyball shoes so I wouldn't stick out not matching the team, how I never asked for the school supplies I needed on top of the donated ones we got from a charity. But now he was asking me to help him with his responsibilities. I screamed at him saying that I shouldn't have to deal with this. That he should be able to at least keep a roof over my head and running water. (later I find out that for low income housing the rent changes proportionate to your income, its always just 30% of your monthly income, and that water... was free). I cried so hard telling him how he was inadequate as a father to provide for me and that as a kid I shouldn't have this on my shoulders. I already had so much on them already. He cried with me. He said he was so sorry that he didn't want his baby girl crying over this. He rubbed my shoulders because I was sobbing. But I still, in the end had to pay because I was scared to be homeless. So I worked harder. I worked every other day, sometimes 12 hours on Saturdays and more in the summer on top of school and all the sports I was in. He never asked me for anything again.
Looking back I think this was a very pivotal point in my life. It solidified the thought that I earned everything I wanted, needed or had. At the youngest age I could provide for myself, I did. This is where all of the pride steps in. Where pride rears its ugly head as a 31 year old. Somehow it's easier to compare because I had it real rough but I worked my way out. Where I feel like if I want something I must work hard to get it and that I don't need anyone to help me get there. All I need is myself.
Being married gave me good lighting to see better. Knowing Christ deeply gave me the glasses to see the situation sharper. I DID NOTHING. I was handed these opportunities. I couldn't have brought myself to this situation if my sister didn't drop me off at church every sunday and my dad pick me up afterwards. I couldn't have gotten that car to drive to work unless Simon bought it for me. I was chosen. I was given. I was blessed. God aligned everything so perfectly in my situation, all I realllly did was walk, or better, stumbled my way through all the adversity. All the while I was a whiny child.
I realize how hard it must have been being a father to ask your daughter this. (I'm sure he asked my sister as well, so i guess two daughters) How degrading to a mans pride it must have been to have to confess inadvertently that he couldn't provide for his family. That lay off after lay off he once again felt the sense of inadequacy. How he realized he was bad at money and finances. How he was a king back in his country and now here he was instead a beggar. To have fallen so far and to realize it must have been devastating. To top it all off, my mom never paid child support because she said my dad wouldn't use it for me specifically, that he would just use it for himself. The only way I could get the money from her was to come to her house and she would buy me anything I needed because she knew it was going to me. When she visited our home while my dad was at work, she downturned her nose and criticized the shithole we were living in. Never offering to make a difference.
God, I pray so fervently that Indie will never have to experience the pain I felt as a child. The pain where I knew that my own father could not provide or care for me. I hope she never has to feel the need to be less of a burden or feel guilty for asking for something. I hope she feels safe and cared for. I hope she never has to feel like she wishes she was never born because she's such a burden to her parent/parents. Because thats how I felt. Thats how I saw myself. An unworthy burden.
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Journal #9
Hey again, Blog!
I'm gonna be honest with you, chief, my brain has been on a rollercoaster this week and my body aches as if I've been hit by a speeding truck on a highway. Everything is due next week! Well, it feels like everything, though I know it isn't. But two is more than enough to get me feeling exhausted and drained as if I'd just gotten the life sucked out of me.
The four images below can provide you a little insight into exactly how I'm feeling right now:
I wanted to get set up a new playlist full of music to listen to while I finished up my proposal but then I stumbled across Shelter by Porter Robinson and Maddeon, a song from a Japanese short film that I hadn't listened to in quite some time.
youtube
It came out when I was 14, and I vividly remember to this day how badly the short film made me cry at the end, but I didn't recall why. However, as they say, one who forgets their history is doomed to repeat it. I clicked on the video, fully chalking up my pervious tears to my teenage-self taking everything too seriously. But man.
Oh Man.
Did I bawl my eyes out.
I was absolutely not emotionally prepared in any way possible for the onslought of feelings that stabbed me through the chest. It should be illegal for something to make you feel so much curiousity, grief and pain all in the span of 6 little minutes.
Shelter tells the story of a girl stuck alone in a digital world with no other life around her, with only her tablet which she can use to draw anything for company.
One day, after she grows tired of spending her days alone after years and years of zero communication with anyone else, she notices a tree she hadn't created on her own. When she reaches out towards it, it begins to unlock the suppressed memories she had with her father.
A few days later, as she scrolls through her tablet once again, it creates a layout of a neighbourhood, taking her back into the past, of her time on earth.
There, she learns that her father sacrificed himself for her in order to preserve her conciousness in digital form as earth was destined to be destroyed.
At the end of the memory sequence, she finally recieves a new message, only to find out it was a pre-programmed one from her father.
Please watch it! Oh my god it ruined me, and making this gifset ruined me even more. I cried so hard it's insane, I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated now.
Sorry I turned this journal into a crying session over this music video but dear god did it give me the cry that I needed to almost finish the Literature review section of my proposal.
Now, while I go wallow in my sorrow of having to complete the theory section of my proposal, my only request is that you watch this and tell me how you feel!
'Til next time!
#JENTRY#Cried again while writing this entry#I promise that ill post my short stories here real soon but ive been trying to find the right gifs for them
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When I was little, I hardly got permission to play all day with my friends cz my mum would drag me home so I could watch her little store during busy hours. She made me, at first, but then I spent so much time being left alone taking care of it even till I was already in SHS and that's how I started to enjoy it, I even offered her my help growing up. I watched the store while reading Bobo, Tere Liye even Habiburahman novels, and obviously chatting with my crushes zzzzZ
I was also, still, a little girl when my dad first brought me to his meat shop and just observed him and his employees. I hated making drinks for people, but coming home, it's every night crowded by my dad's acquaintances. One time I was so tired and I really didn't want to make drinks, I hated it! Ofc he noticed and he approached me and said, "You know, some ppl come here to offer us more opportunity." Well, obviously, I cried and still didn't make the drinks hahah, no one could force me, ever~
I was always the most trustworthy money counter in the family. 1-2 weeks before Eid was always a peak season for people to buy meat, so every night, my dad would bring some black plastics full of money with blood stain everywhere. I'd count the money with my sister and most of the time we'd end up fighting cz she wanted to cheat and I was always you know, honest hahah like seriously, I noticed every suspicious movement my sister made during this process and yelled at her and called my dad right away saying "Apaaaa, sis is stealing, she hid the money under the chair." 🤣 #PeaceLoveandGaol
I was a hardworker, you know rice paddy? Yeah, my parents own some of these squares whatsoever but idk why they mostly did everything themselves. I needed to follow my mum and aunt to the rice fields then my main job desc was to chase birds off of our field so they wouldn't eat our paddies lol During harvest time was harder, there were more than 10 sacks of paddy we needed to dry. So we'd do it in front of our house and I'd help flipping through the paddies under the sun. The best part of this process was that after it's dried, we'd go to a place where they had the equipments for pounding the paddies so they can finally become rice. The rice would be packed in a sack and it would go down through a special slide, I loved this part for I could slide along with the sacks 😝
And many, many more hard work, literally, hard physically I experienced growing older. It's understandable why my parents were always against me working for myself aka, being a businesswoman. It was hard, very very hard, and they didn't want me to make the same "mistake". However, I've always enjoyed adventure over comfort, walking miles away delivering food, books etc is forever wayyy more fun than sitting and staying in an air-conditioned office, to me personally.
I never tried to prove anything to them, nor I did that for the sake of society's acknowledgement. For years I've been doing things my way and my parents are always the last people to know what I've been through and achieved and lost and sacrificed. They never said this to my face but a close friend who visited them last time reported to me that my mum said, "Be like Monica, she's so stubborn, really really stubborn. But she works extremely hard when she really wants something. She's so determined. Now, I guess she's got everything she's ever dreamed of."
I know, that's such a complicated way to say, "I'm proud of you, Girl. " But we're a cool family, we are Edward Cullen's family, no praises, no hugs, no smiles, but we got each other's back whenever we need it.
Maudy Ayunda says, "You're not lazy, you just haven't found something you are passionate about. " And that's 100% true, I enjoyed every second of my first year building ALC, I barely slept for months (God had to give me COVID 19 so I had no choice but to rest!). It was fuckn tiring but I just didn't feel anything cz I was into it, deep and deeper. I loved it, that's my passion. That's what makes me alive.
Adding to what Maudy said, "If it feels like a burden then you don't enjoy it, let it go. If it's too complicated, too much drama, you are torturing yourself, let him go. "
Good night (:
P. S: Let's see how Dapur Obukhovo grows over the years from today❤
Good luck, Niken and Ike.
Tertanda,
Bambang :D
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newt + tropes (insp.)
#tmredit#themazerunneredit#newtedit#thomassangsteredit#newtmazing#userjordan#tiffanymaxwels#tmrnetwork#newt#tmr#tst#tdc#mine#*gifs#ctropes#i honestly have no idea if this has been for tmr characters before but hey#i really wanted to gif newt again#i miss him so much#note how i hyped up my tmr marathon for months and then never spoke about it afterwards djhdjk#i honest to god cried more than i've cried at anything and i didn't even want to talk about it :'')
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Hard Times
Pairing: Maddy Perez (Euphoria) x Reader
Summary: Shortly after Nate leaves, Maddy calls the reader in panicked tears. She needed her best friend and she needed any comfort and kindness that anyone had to offer her.
Warnings: Swearing, mentions of abuse and violence, mentions of guns and Nate Jacobs.
A/n: Hi yall, I'm going to avoid going into deep detail of how Nate acted while over at Maddy's just because it is deeply triggering, but I wanted to more so focus on the trauma that Maddy endured and how she, or anyone, can process something like that.
I never liked Maddy and Nates relationship. No one did but I specifically hated it ten times more than anyone else.
After years of being her best friend, seeing her in and out of his bed, crying, screaming, laughing; it made me sick. It made me physically ill to think of him and how he treated her so poorly. And she was by no means a saint. I knew things about her that I wish I didn't. But she was my best friend, who I love and have loved longer than Nate.
But I was almost positive that she would never feel the same way for me that I have for all these years that I've known her. She's kissed a few girls, even while dating Nate. She was open to the fact that sexuality was a spectrum and she wasn't ashamed of her sexuality and lack of label. Nate didn't like it though, his deeply homophobic ways were disgusted by her interest in women. It almost made her afraid to feel anything for women to begin with.
Apparently, Nate and I had a type though, the girl checking off everything on my list of things I like in women. She was strong and powerful, beautiful, intelligent, a smart-ass to be honest. But I would always know Maddy better than Nate did, and I loved to hold that over his head.
I knew that him and Cassie were together longer than Maddy did. I probably wasn't being the best friend while holding onto that massive piece of information and not telling her. I knew that she was going to go absolutely apeshit when she found out, killing both Cassie and Nate at the same time with no care in the world.
I certainly wasn't expecting it to be Rue who spilled the beans. And I certainly didn't expect it to be in front of Cassie and all of our friends. Maddy was furious, Kat and I holding her back as she lunged for the crying blonde. Everyone was shocked, even her mother. I couldn't get over the mix of betrayal, anger, and sadness that passed through her face all at once.
I held her in my arms that night for six hours while she cried and wailed. She was truly heartbroken, horrified that this even happened to her in the first place. She was Maddy fucking Perez and her boyfriend of god knows how many years cheated on her with her best friend. It seemed almost stupid to think about, like it was just some cruel joke being played on her.
I remember telling her that it wasn't her fault, that there was nothing she could've done to prevent this from happening. She already knew this piece of information, she was just caught up in what she was supposed to do now. They made a fool out of her and she wanted to get them back for it.
I knew she had something up her sleeve, I had no idea what. But I knew that she had dirt on the both of them that was dirty enough to put an end to all her mental pain and suffering. I was scared for the two of them if I'm gonna be honest. I knew that, at that point, she was homicidal.
That anger didn't last long though.
She seemed calm and collected after that, her brain wracking her thoughts to come up with something that would help her. I watched her as she bobbed up and down in the pool the next day, her brows pulled together as she stared off into the distance. It was almost scarier to see her so calm and collected.
Days went on, nothing to significant happening other than mine and Maddy's nightly facetimes. She liked to keep up on those since we were kids, wanting to see me every night no matter where she was. It was comforting to me, the thought of her staying up for me, waiting for me, just because she wanted to see me made my heart soar.
But tonight, she was nowhere to be found.
Once the clock hit nine o'clock I started to panic. She was typically never late, always calling me by eight at the latest. But even now as I stare at my phone, my eyes tearing up in anxiety, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to call her out of fear that she was busy or something, not wanting to be a burden. But I'm genuinely worried.
All of a sudden my phone lights up the dark room, Maddy's name flashing along the screen. I answer it immediately, noticing that it's not a facetime but a normal call. Raising the phone to my cheeks, I pout.
"I missed you, where were you?" I laugh with a small pout, falling back onto the bed as I listen to her sniffle. "Hey, babes, you okay?" I ask, my heart pounding in worry as she gasps.
"I'm on my way and I just need you to hold me and not ask shit, okay?" She asks in a cry, my lips parting gently as I nod.
"Uh, yeah, my door is open, honey. I'll be waiting." I whisper, frowning as she abruptly hangs up, my cheeks warming in panic. I quickly make an effort to tidy my room, not wanting to upset her with any of the clutter. I grab her favorite blanket of mine that she continues to steal and I quickly restock my snack basket in the kitchen.
By the time she arrives, I'm seated on my bed, Spongebob playing on the TV in hopes to make her laugh. I had no idea what she needed from me other than the fact that she was freaking out and needed comfort. I had a feeling she wasn't going to tell me what actually happened but just come here, looking for comfort.
My door opens slowly as she makes herself known, quiet sniffles leaving her nose as I glance over her. She looked tired, her heart practically in her hands as she falls onto the bed and into my lap. She wails loudly as I cart my fingers through her hair, my hands pulling the blanket over her shoulders.
"Maddy-"
"No! I can't talk about it." She cries, gripping onto me as I frown, my head bobbing in a silent nod. "Just fucking hold me and don't say anything." She orders and I obey, sliding down onto the bed to lay next to her. She tucks her face into the crook of my neck as she sobs, her hands fisting the blanket beneath us.
I didn't know what was wrong and I may never know but, all I knew is this is what she needed from me and I would always give her what she needed.
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Taglist: @bubblebuttwade @rafelover2405 @leslienjazzy @sorceresss @grxnde-dwt @alex--awesome--22 @bunnietoof @niyamar1e @serialghost @plantlungs @geniusohn @akaliltimmytim @lilaalouuxx @xshariex @elliotsbeigeguitar @elle4404 @lelieja @srhxpci @joselyn001 @taysirene @spinkspanther @thedivineuphoria @peter-maximoffs @tsukishimawhore @poohkie90 @szlaco @distantsighs @nstyles4299 @wolflover384 @givemefoodandlovesstuff @vane28282 @yeswhatever33 @amirrahfranson @vvaalleennttiinna @f-mu @yaspillz @jeyramarie @skylievin@abbybarnes17 @jointherebellion215 @visiondaddy @steezysimfinds @its-ya-gay-boi-luigi @crunchytoenailsyum@glizzymcguirex @beth123lg @melovesmut @rafecameronswhore @ariianelle @write-from-the-heart @vampviolets
Euphoria Taglist:@ssprayberrythings @username-lols @pessimisticbiitch @urmomsangel
Maddy Taglist: @themerchantfromre4 @maneatercore
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