#i havent been able to work up the brain to draw properly in DAYS

[honeybyte]

they'll put an apple in your hand but don't you dare bite it // a match and a wick but don't you dare light it

#ocs #farmers bible #werewolf dad and werewolf daughter #wails #i havent been able to work up the brain to draw properly in DAYS #and now this morning #bc of a song #i finish this in 2 hours #ok

[orchidyoonkook]

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

#i just needed to get that out #dont mind my screaming #literaly ignore it its just me bitching about my job for the millionth time #im not even doing organizing tags so itll vanish into the interweb

[thingstotellthem]

hey OP here’s a checkpoint for you!

how are you doing? have you had any water or a snack lately? if not you should get something, you deserve to be properly nourished! get a soft blanket and make yourself comfy, you deserve to rest and treat yourself :-)

is your country still on lockdown? if you go, did you go back to school? were there restrictions when you went back like having to wear a mask? what’s your favorite subject whether it be now or when you were younger since i don’t know how old you are!

what’s your favorite book? movie? do you watch anime? do you like puzzles? do you do any sort of art, and if yes, what’s your favorite medium? (ex: pencil, paint, acrylics, clay, wood, etc.) do you prefer apple juice or orange juice if you drink either of them? have you picked up any new skills over the last few months with the downtime? maybe you baked a loaf of bread! i don’t know! have you done a face mask recently? they’re relaxing :-)

what about your pets if you have them? how many do you have? what kind of animals are they? do you like playing with them if they do that?

final question, how are you really doing? i’m sure your go-to might be that you’re fine, but truly, how are you doing? running this page has got to be taxing on you, are you taking care of yourself as well?

i hope you have a lovely day or night whatever time it is for you when you see this! please take care of yourself, and thank you so much for what you do. this page is a literal lifesaver for myself and i’m sure many others. you’re so wonderful to be doing this. i hope you’re well ❤️

thank you so much for this thoughtful message! if you dont mind, ill answer it under a read more so i dont clog up the dashboard ♥

ive been drinking water steadily all throughout the day! i always carry a bottle of water with me wherever i go so hydration is never an issue. im also about to eat soon and ive been doing nothing but resting today, so no worries on that front!

my country entered lockdown 2.0 in mid-september and were now slowly reopening in two-week increments. i believe this week stores with open air access (so no malls) have opened. im not currently in school, but i know from friends that most classes are being done online with some exceptions. i love any humanities subject, though history and literature are my favorites. i aim to major in history in the future! im 21, turning 22 in december.

my favorite book is, without a doubt, the book thief. its an extraordinary story in every way and the writing is just... chefs kiss! exquisite. i cannot recommend it enough. my favorite movie is inception, though i must admit 1917 is slowly replacing it- it was the last movie i saw in an actual theater before covid and i sat in my seat for five minutes after the credits ended in complete awe. its an incredible movie!! it made me jennie slate scream. i used to watch anime when i was younger, but i havent seen any in at least eight years; i think ive grown out of it, if that makes sense. i do like puzzles! they feel like little exercises for my brain. i write, and i also draw sometimes. ive drawn my first ever vent art last month and it was very cathartic. i prefer orange juice over apple juice, but to honest im not a very big fan of either of them since sweet drinks give me a headache. ive started crocheting a blanket for my soon to be born nephew, which i like- crocheting is very therapeutic and meditative. i havent done a face mask recently, but now i want one.

i have a cat (selek) at my moms and another cat (maeve) and a dog (freddie) at my dads! theyre all doing well, each being a bastard in their own way. freddie likes to play, but shes not very well trained yet so she bites. were working on it!

ive been doing. meh? ive been struggling ever since my grandfather passed away in early may, and other life circumstances have been weighing on me. im doing my best to manage, though rest assured, this blog isnt taxing enough to affect my mental state. i wouldnt be running it if i wasnt able to handle it.

thank you again, the thought youve put into this is very touching. i hope youre doing well and hanging in there yourself. please take care and stay safe ♥

#parent mention #anon #♥♥♥

[wormssss]

so. basically. tl;dr i ffuucking hate school it sucks and it doesnt. do ANYTHING but make things worse . anyway.

the schooling system like. it sucks for me specifically in a few ways idk abt anyone else. for starters; neurodivergency literally at all makes it so hard to function in a classroom environment. its so loud? idk if anyone else gets that in their classrooms but you can hear my class of 23~ from the bottom floor of the 3 story building and that’s considered quiet. as well as like, i cannot function in a classroom without my friends? im out at school and like.... everyones.. transphobic obv why wouldnt they be, and its not in like a..any avoidable way. if i sit with the guys they’ll refuse to talk to me and deadname me all period adn if i sit with the girls theyll laugh at me every time i fucking breathe idk, but the school still thinks putting me in a classroom with kids that visibly hate me and see me as a CRINGE ENTERTAINMENT IRONY MACHINE is like a good idea? and a good way for me to make friends? i dont know if its my luck or if they’re deliberately doing it, but, next term for example i have drama and cooking as classes. two of my friends also have cooking ....but they dont have me in their class. they’re together. but im not in their class. im on my own because other than them and the girl who already did cooking these past two terms (so she cant do it next term) i have.... no other friends. so im definitely in a class of complete strangers! and the way they have this school, you have no choice but to work with someone else in a cooking class...... you are paired with someone in the same mini kitchen and its a disaster but i digress.

also, like. school goes for 6 hours. by the time you get home and get changed and get settled, its sunset so you can’t go out and do anything. you can’t go to the park or climb a tree. youre stuck inside. your family is like groggy from work or whatever and doesnt want to talk to you. you have no energy to get online and talk to your friends online. or theyre asleep. so basically at least for me i get... no time to actually talk to my friends, for example i havent had an actual conversation with piper in like... two months i swear. we’ve forgotten how to talk to eachother and that actually goes with all of my friends. by the weekend we’re still awkward because we havent spoken in months so we can’t really even talk. and because of this rigid like, routine you have to have to actually be able to go to school at all (wake up 7. eat. get dressed. go to school. come home. get changed. eat. shower. go to bed. repeat), i actually like.... find myself. forgetting Everything. i dont know what it is about strict routine where i cannot be myself (my school has a strict and ugly uniform), but it makes me ... completely forget everything slowly and my memory decays. my time blindness gets worse to the point where i dont know what month it is on a regular basis and like... i ditch a lot? because of this? maybe if the schedule didnt make me dissociate and forget everything i wouldnt ditch constantly and like. actually go to school. but like my attendance is... im not at school 25% of the time because i physically cannot go every single day and attend to that rigid and exact cycle that doesnt even teach me anything

doesnt even teach me anything? i dont ... learn anything from school. they like. reteach the same meaningless part of a subject every single year. every year in religious studies in october i learn about the rosary and we spend a lot of the period praying the rosary and i like. ok. cool. its a religious school yeah but what am i actually learning from this. and every year in social studies we learn abt the waitangi treaty but the way they teach it is so whitewashed and utopian and its fucked and they teach it the same way every year around the same time. and anzac day. and in math im not going to use any of those skills you teach me, i dont care about algebra or anything because thats not really going to actually help me in my life im an artist for fucks sake teach me about managing my own finances! teach me how to do taxes! teach me how to function in the society i live in! teach me the important things that ill sink under or die without knowing i want to actually know important things but by cramming so many unimportant things in my brain all the time i forget the actual important things, i fucking failed basic addition and subtraction last year, i’ve forgotten division and multiplication past the 10 times table, but i can vaguely read an algebra equasion BUT FUCKING ALGEBRA EQUASIONS WILL NEVER UFCKING GET ME ANYWJERE!!!!! and it makes me so fucking angry i want to learn and function and KNOW

and the way they tightly bundle everyone to being one conforming individual who dresses like everyone else, is at the same intelligence level as everyone else, is a catholic like everyone else, does not question authority as everyone else or does not question themselves like everyone else or think like anyone else OR BE DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE makes me want to FUCKING THROW UP. there are so many hopes and dreams that i remember watching from primary school to now sink into a hopeless pit of stereotypes and basic conformity, people who used to be nice are suffocated into being horrible people so that theyre liked by their peers or get anny attention from the school at all, guys who used to respect women (god forbid) suddenly becoming horrible to anyone of any slightly different gender identity but you can actually see on their face how weird it is to them, waves of 11-14 year olds getting nose studs that get infected and they’re forced to have them taken out by the school, kids trying to do their makeup to look like SOMEONE to BE AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE are put right back in their place and told to take it all off and their parents are called and if youre caught with the wrong jacket your parents are called and youre told youre too poor to wear what the school provides yet THEY DONT EVEN LET YOU WEAR WHAT THE SCHOOL PROVIDES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 70 DOLLAR HOODIE FOR WHEN YOU WONT LET ME WEAR IT WHILE IM SHIVERING I DONT SEE THE POINT OF ENFORCING SUCH TIGHT POINTLESS SMALL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT A PERSON CAN BE WHY IS IT SO LIMITED? are we not allowed to do anything? you cant even have one strip of hair dye yet a teacher can have a full head of bright purple hair what’s that about? you can have antisemetic pins on your senior year blazer jacket but the second you put a pride pin on there youre called to the principals office and asked why youre promoting this to kids

you try a speech on trans rights and they dont even pass you and pretend its because you got over the time limit but you didnt, you timed it yourself for your friends you didnt get over the time limit and you know it but you didnt even place in fourth you placed last out of 6 or 8 and you wonder why that is because every year in the past you soared into first so whats that about???? in my speech i said be yourself and dont be afraid to experiment with your gender lightly and they told me to take it out because its seen as too much and i said what the fuck? that’s the most important part of my speech, i want to promote acceptance in others and the self and they said take it out or you cant present your speech. they actively suffocate any sort of self expression or nonconformity of any sort you have to be a plain cookiecutter boy or girl and thats it you cannot be anything else, for nearly 6 months theyve fought me and my mom about my hair but if anyones being hurt by it its me because it draws more attention to the kid you can call slurs, are you hurt because im actually expressing myself? are you hurt by my little sharp stud earrings and my industrial piercing and the embroidered cuff on my shirt? are you offended by the heart on my belt or the platforms on my school shoes because the last time i checked none of these were illegal things to have at school

this kind  of got a lot angrier than i meant to make it but ive been . really angry abt this for the past year idk. i really just wanted to write this because i ahvent spoken to piper properly in months and the way we talk now seems like when we just met but i cannot carry a conversation anymore because school knocked the wind out of me all over again and the sudden inability to talk to any of my friends online makes me want to scream until my lungs give out im so tired

#wormy yelling #long post / #negative / #serious / #emeto / #ask to tag #delete later

[kosmicdream]

hey!!! i just read to the most recent update of ffak (my favorite webcomic ive ever read tbh) and i kinda wanna try making my own. did you have the whole story planned out before you started or is it an ongoing thing? also how did you make the website for it? thank you for making such a cool comic!

Thank you so much!! And let me try to figure out a way to answer this properly. My process is a bit complicated to explain because it is very organic. Its almost like I am never done writing it, because I am always letting it grow/stretch and explore as I think about ffak every day, and every night before sleeping I’ll try to brainstorm things I havent thought of. So spending that much mental energy on something, you never really get ‘done’ with writing a story. Even when i eventually finish ffak, im sure i will be still working on it (or things I would have wanted to do.)

However!! Before i started working on ffak, when it was just called HELP! i established many things narratively that I stuck to and have not changed about the story. So I think the process of this comic, in a simple way, could have been broken down like this in.. stages?

1) I laid down the basic framework of the world, such as the functions of king worms specifically, the aiguille family, helpers, several characters (some havent even appeared in the comic yet!), king leadman, as well as antony/rome’s narrative arc/dynamic. that way their character arc was already figured out before the comic started and I knew it would be the central ‘root’ of the story. I knew how i wanted Rome to be introduced, and how he would meet canary, not knowing the connection between canary and his brother. I had a rough idea, even from here, how their character arc would come to a point (and basically what sorts of things the story would likely eventually close on) I also knew the general setting was on moons and how the humans got there, and how advanced society was, and what the red lights “really" were and what they meant..i figured out what ‘vein’ was here.. ect.. many worldbuilding things!!!It might sound intimidating, but this process happened very quickly. I basically figured this out in the.. day? before i started working. I have had a lot of experience with roleplaying so i think that helps with me making quick decisions. I knew i had enough to work with that I didn’t feel intimidated to start actually drawing it out-- especially because i had the rome/antony thing already set down. 2) Then when I actually started to work, things started to develop very quickly. I knew basically all i needed to for Hekatons before i got to introduce knife (their origins, history, involvement in present day politics) and before ch6 i also wrote all of the “supporting cast” (at the time) which included dylan, fork/spoon/knife, paper/scissor/rock. So i ws able to write Thumb and Heel, and set up the overall dynamic of what the world was like in the present day. (also Spoon/Scissor’s connection.) Cash was actually written in the first batch of characters oops, but her design really became more detailed during this stage because of scissor. 3) then things got more complicated as i dug deeper into the past, and wanted to include crimson. So!! I fleshed out the origin and true history of this world. basically as soon as crimson appeared I had everything in place and felt comfortable enough to include crimson, who borrowed many things narratively from a character i roleplayed for years. Anyway, i figured out all of the deep past of the world and decided to draw it out since it was so interesting in ch 9/10. I think this was around in the 2nd chapter when i figured this out, but my memory is fuzzy. I know by the time i did the flash forward scene in ch2 i had decided many things and so all i had to do was get to them in the comic to cement it in. 4) I forget when exactly (maybe around in chapter 5 or 6) , but i decided to bring in a very old story i wrote in 2009 for good leadman’s origin story-- as i thought it would be cool to make good leadman the protagonist for this old comic i wanted to do, and that helped make the background for heel and thumb more “believable” to me because they were already symbolizing this old story i had written the entire thing of. Oh that’s something else to mention, because that world was part of a collection of stories- i was able to develop DMTIA that way because i already had this cast and just decided to merge the stories into the FFAK setting. I think when i did this, it pretty much was the final big thing to make me understand everything i needed to know about this world. All the story arcs felt pretty realized and I could see how the ending could go at this point.

I guess to summarize, is that i let things grow but also had things planned from the start and once i commit to an idea, it doesnt change. Even if it might appear somewhat frustrating to work with, i like to use them to make my next decision. sometimes that means i dont get to do all i want to do, but i still have a lot of flexibility in this setting like i wanted to have from the beginning.

Even now when i feel like pretty confident that I’ve explored every nook and cranny, I’ll decide to revisit a older storyline or facet of the world and strengthen or build on that. That’s why i ended up with so many fucking side characters because I’ll brainstorm for them for a day or two and suddenly have a lot of material i know wont even “technically” go into the story even though its there. (like, Spot for example was not meant to be so interesting, but i wrote a huge fucking story for him that obviously wont get really any attention.)

So.. its ongoing and it is also not ongoing and hasnt been for quite a long time now? (after two years of constant work it felt.. really complete and done in a lot of ways. we are now currently on year three, moving to year four!) I think the best thing to do is to keep in mind what kinds of methods for writing make you feel comfortable and is your natural brain-pace. I like working with an aspect of fluidity and room for growth and flexibility because i don’t like being boxed in or “outgrowing” my project too fast. So keeping that in mind, i designed ffak to be a comic where it could grow with me and change. that’s pretty much why i decided worms would be a great subject and theme to work with because they are characters that naturally, evolve and change based on what they eat and absorb. plus the themes in ffak just are so fun to work with i will never be bored of it. structuring a project with these things in mind for when i run into walls or feel unmotivated have kept me engaged. I think that is part of why i cannot let it go because I still feel really excited to write and contribute ideas to it.

However, Chapter 12 really feels like I’m settling back down to my original plans and taking my time and patience to communicating all the structured planning ive put into it. I’m not letting it grow the same way anymore because it doesnt need to. I feel comfortable with understanding its voice/style and pacing and im no longer recovering from the uhh.. shock of it existing? I promise that once you actually start making a comic, its a wholly different experience than just it being in your head. and it will sound, look, and feel different than what you thought it would be-- that in itself has influenced a lot of change in ffak because honestly at first i was not expecting to draw it so explicit. that was difficult to get used to but im happy to have embraced that aspect of my work.

So HMM.. I made a strong spine or foundational backbone in the beginning before i started, then fleshed it out as i was in the process of making it, and i always continue to leave room for it to grow. just not grow in EVERY aspect anymore. i also dont chop down branches, but i try to hone in on specific things to make them more clear. i think chopping stuff down and removing things is generally not the best to do because its easier to build up and work with what you have than make big retcons after youve already started or established. also the challenge of working with limitations makes you feel that needed bit of pressure to really commit to your work in the moment of making it and i feel like its helped make me more serious and confident about what i write about. I never feel lost on what to do because if I cover and figure out something, that’s how it is. I make it work regardless! 

everything is done with careful consciousness to the overall balance and product of the story, while also not suffocating it in a box of limitations of what it could be. i treat it like a living thing in my mind and heart and that means i work to have thoughtful conversations with it and myself about what its needs are, what my needs are, what i want to do with it and what it wants to be.. ect. its almost a spiritual thing really. i feel like its important to always reflect and engage with your art and art process to feel a stronger connection and purpose behind what you are deciding to do and what it means to you. i am probably repeating myself a little here but!!!!!! its worth saying!!!!!!!!! 

I also really think it adds to the interesting and fun “layers” to the story, as there has been different stages to its development and it brings in different feelings with each layer. But then the older or more ‘’foundational’’ ones pop in and they seem to give off a different atmosphere (antony and rome) vrs some of the newer additions (like jacket) who are more for shallow, fun decoration or an interesting potential to explore in the future. Like, Jacket is not a character that has a lot of foundational plot connected to him, but he’s an interesting development in terms of the potential of a worm and symbolizes that early-ffak-mindset of growth and experimentation. so i think it makes him a really unique and fun character because he embodies a lot of new and old aspects of ffak’s narrative and my journey with working on the comic.

I could go on and on, but I hope this sort of gives some insight to my process and how I write/work. because in a lot of ways, it isn’t linear. just like how my comic is! sometimes this makes ffak very disorienting for people to read, but if you keep in mind that ffak is very organic and personally tailored to my mannerisms  and with that in mind, it makes a lot more sense why it is how it is and the patterns in it become much more apparent. Anyway! thank you for reading and good luck working on your own stories! it can be challenging but i think it is absolutely worth the effort. 

Also i did not make the website, my good friend Tegan did. :3 i do not know anything about websites.

#ffak faq #ffak #feast for a king #unholyopossum

[sodoyouknowbts]

J Hope x Reader - Kaleidoscope

Summary: A hot chocolate, a palette of colours. A private game between two strangers in a coffee shop leads to a little more.

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader

Genre: Romance, fluff, oneshot, eternal ball of sunshine

Author: Moxie

He’s here again.

It’s the third time this week.

He’s wearing blue today. A soft woolen jumper, the shade of the early morning sky. It’s large and the sleeves hang down his arms and past his hands, giving you only a peak of his fingertips, which are tinted pink from the cold.

His hair is red today and not a subtle red either. It’s a bright and vibrant shade, like the deep colour of a perfectly ripe apple. It’s a stark and dramatic contrast to his jumper. Yesterday his hair was blonde, a soft and muted yellow.

He reminds you of a kaleidoscope.

You note that his shoes are the only thing that remain constant, besides his presence here.

They’re loud and onoxious, a mess of rainbow colours on a cream canvas. At least you think it’s cream. Was it originally white?

He orders the same, a hot chocolate in a takeaway cup and a slice of chocolate cake. You take his order and pretend that you havent already memorised it, making sure to wait until he’s finished speaking before you write it down.

Your fingers touch for a fleeting moment as he hands you the money. His fingertips are ice cold and you have the urge to wrap them in your warm hands. You don’t.

You watch him discreetly from your peripheral vision as he takes a seat at the same table.

He pulls out his laptop and begins to read something on there. He rests his cheek on the palm of one hand whilst the other occasionally hovers over the keypad and presses some buttons.

You started working at your friend’s cafe about a month ago, having just finished your degree and taking a gap year off before you propel yourself into full adulthood. Your plan was to save enough money to travel but at the moment the furthest you could travel was to the next city over. Saving was never your strong point.

There was always a constant flow of customers and some regulars, however he was the only one who stood out.

You place a large slice of chocolate cake onto a plate and prepare his drink. You take a styrofoam cup and add some chocolate flakes before proceeding to heat up some milk. When you’re done you add the final touch, some mini marshmellows.

Not being able to help yourself you draw a smiley face onto the cup with a black sharpie. You hope the smile will help brighten up his day.

You place both items on a tray and carry them over to him. He stops reading and smiles when you approach. You notice that he lowers the laptop screen as you place his cake and drink on the table, but you don’t take it to heart.

“Please enjoy!” you gesture to the food and retreat behind the counter.

–

She’s here again.

The first thing he notices about you is pink.

You’re wearing the same shade of lipgloss as when he first saw you, link pink, the shade of cherry blossoms.

The second thing he notices is your hair. Today you have it in curls, the long strands cascading freely down your back, brushing your shoulders everytime you move. The other day it was up in a ponytail.

He picks up his drink and goes to take a sip, however he stops when he sees that something is drawn on the side of the cup. He turns it around and admires your smiley face.

It’s simple, two dots and a line.

He pulls out a blue pen from his bag and draws something on the cup. When he’s done he holds the cup out in front of him and smiles, pleased.

–

When he leaves you walk over to his table and start to clear it. You pick up his cup, wondering if he liked your drawing and turn to see it.

You’re suprised to see that it’s not as you had drawn it. Someone’s added a tongue, some spikey hair and a peace sign in blue ink.

–

The next time you see him you draw a circle with two dots for eyes and a squiggly line for a mouth.

He adds in some swirls for hair and giant ears. He adds a speach bubble and writes the words “Argghhh it’s hot!”. It makes you chuckle.

–

As the weeks progress your drawings get more complex until you’re scribbling all over the entire cup. It’s a private game between the two of you. You’ll draw a template and he’ll fill in the blanks.

Despite this interaction you both still haven’t spoken a word to eachother, outside of you taking his order and the usual pleasantries.

You didn’t know his name or who he is or what he did but you were content with your secret game.

You also notice his pattern, he comes into the cafe every Monday, Wednesday and Friday without fail, come rain or shine. Without even realizing it you start to put more effort into your appearance on those days.

–

When the weekend ended and Monday came you excitedly waited for his arrival. You had been barnstorming the night before and had come up with the perfect template. However he never came.

You told yourself that he was probably just busy and that there was still Wednesday and Friday.

When Wednesday came and went with no sign of him your heart sank. You were surprised with how much of an impact he had on you, afterall all you had was a silly game where he finished your drawings. You brushed it off and told yourself that he was just probably busy and not to think too much about it. Afterall there was still Friday.

Friday came and he still did not show up. By then you told yourself that he was just another customer and that it was ridiculous to get so attached.

–

Earlier that week there was buzz online about a new webtoon that was released by a popular writer. You had never read their stuff before and hadn’t planned to but on Saturday your friend sent you the link and insisted that you read it.

Curious to see what the hype was about you opened the link and began to read.

The story was about a boy who would walk past a cafe everyday on his way home from tutoring. He had never gone inside until one day as he walked past he saw a girl working there. The girl caught his attention and he decided he wanted to see more of her so the next day he went in. He didn’t know what to order so he ordered the first thing that came to his mind, a hot chocolate.

He was captivated by her smile and by the sound of her voice. Not wanting for the moment to end he ordered something else, he raked his brain for what but came up blank. Looking at the display window he saw a large chocolate cake, so he ordered that.

He didn’t even like chocolate. He found it too sweet, but it was always her who made his drink and prepared his cake so he continued to order that.

Before he knew it he was there everday after tutoring. Just to catch a glimpse of her.

He tried to come up with the nerve to speak to her but he was too shy, his words escaped him everytime she brought his order.

One day he noticed she had drawn a picture on his cup. Suprised and amused he added in some details of his own. Thus began their secret exchange.

Everyday she would draw a half completed picture on his cup and everyday he would complete it. Through this he learnt that they shared a smiliar sense of humour and that she had very neat handwriting.

It was the highlight of his day. The boy would often stick around and hide around the corner just so he could see her face when she saw his drawing.

Her smile was the most beautiful thing in the world. If he could draw it he would use the brightest shade of gold.

–

The more you read the more you got an overwhelming sense of deja vu. The story was eerily familiar to your encounter and the main girl even looked similar to you.

Curious to know who the author was you decide to search their name online. There is a profile page and a photo is attached.

It’s him, your kaleidoscope man.

You’re suprised to see his face smiling back at you. You can’t believe that he has based a webtoon off of you. It’s already so popular too.

He study his photo. He looks younger and his hair is black but his smile is still the same.

Jung Hoseok, you read his name aloud. Its a nice name.

–

It’s Wednesday afternoon and he still hasn’t shown up. Your resolve throughout the day was strong however every time the bell chimed, signalling a customer, your heart would race and you’d look up hoping it was him. Every time you saw a face that wasn’t his, your heart would sink a little more.

A sense of disappointment washes over you as you finish for the day. Looking outside the snow has begun to fall so you grab your coat and secure on your beanie. Once you’re bundled up you head outside, waving goodbye to everyone.

You begin to walk towards the bus stop but halt when a voice calls out for you. You turn around surprised.

It’s him.

He’s running towards you. His hair is hidden underneath a fuzzy white bucket hat and he’s wearing an oversized brown coat. You look down at his shoes and smile. Still the same mess of colours.

He stops in front of you and bends over panting for air. It seems like he was running for a while.

“I thought I almost missed you” he gasps in between breaths. His words leaving a trail of condensation in their wake.

“Sorry?” you ask confused. Why was he chasing after you?

Once he’s got his breath back he straightens up and hands you a takeaway cup. You hadnt even realised he was holding one until now.

“What is thi-” you open your mouth to ask but stop when he brings a finger to his lips and shakes his head. He points to the styrofoam cup in your hand.

Curious you glance down and examine it. It’s a plain white takeaway cup, similar to the ones you had. In black sharpie he’s drawn a cartoon self portrait himself, complete with the fuzzy bucket hat. You raise your head and laugh at him and he gestures with his head for you to continue.

Next to the cartoon there’s a speech bubble and inside it reads the following:

“Hi, Im Jung Hoseok. Nice to meet you! I know we’ve never properly spoken to eachother but I feel like I already know so much about you. I know that your favourite colour is pink. You prefer to have your hair out of your face and that’s why you have a hairtie on your wrist at all times. I also know that you love mini marshmellows and are always sneaking some when you think no one is watching and that you’re not a morning person”

You smile at his comment about you not being a morning person.

“I’m running out of space here so what I wanted to ask you was would you like to get to know each other more? I’ve still got plenty of drawings to show you”

You can’t fight the huge smile on your face. Your heart flutters and it feels like you’ve got butterflies in your stomach.

He looks nervous and embarrassed. His cheeks have a hint of pink and his gaze is averted.

“Hi Jung Hoseok, it’s nice to meet you” you hold out your free hand and his face turns to relief and he breaks out into a smile. That same dazzling smile that memorised you when you first saw him. It still makes your heart race.

He takes your hand in his, his cold fingertips wrapped around yours.

“It’s nice to meet you too” he replies.

The END.

#there is nothing after this #jhope #hoseok #jung hoseok #hobi #jhoooooooooope #bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts fan fiction #jhope fanfiction #bts x reader #bts x reader au #jhope au #bts imagines #bts scenarios

[shrimpcache]

Journal entry 6/6/21

Feeling lots of things, thinking lots of thoughts, remembered my idea to do journals here. id rather you didnt reblog but i cant exactly stop you either, and its not like anyone important to not see this is really on tumblr. anyways.

I hate this stupid situation with this passport- i want to go to italy, id love to be anywhere that isnt the piedmont anymore. at least anywhere that isnt the same suburb with the same roads and street signs and city design and construction where i used to see forests and fields. I want to see where my best friend grew up, im excited to see this new side and learn something new about someone so familiar to me. im excited to meet people whos language i dont speak, to just look at store signs and roads and cars that are unfamiliar without being frightening because theres someone next to me who knows what to do already. imagine me traveling and not stressing about how i need to know where i am at all times lest i get lost, or keeping track for my group of friends who is equally unfamiliar with somewhere that looks just like every north carolina town. new mountains, new people, new norms, new sounds in the morning, new sounds at night. will i miss the cicadas this summer? will it even matter?

the sad part is i dont know if my passport will get to me in time. I might have to take a day trip to vermont where i cant even explore national forests or non-chain restaurants. Ill have to walk into a passport facility without all my necessary documents and hope theyll see in the system that the fucking government still has my birth certificate. I want to go to europe. I want to get out of here so bad, but i never got my passport because things like that didn;t just happen to me.

Im not the one who gets the interesting summer trips. Always too broke, working, or i just cant justify to myself why i would just drop everything to go somewhere where i know nothing and know no one. Why that thought is so sad to me, “things that fun and cool just aren’t meant for me” 

Maybe its the insinuation that it is for other people. Does it just tie into this image i have of myself? this barely human person who just copies and mimics until people read me as one of them too? I think i really understand that artist now who makes adhd comics and draws herself with little alien antennae- i really do feel like an alien. even when I take adderol, it only really helps with the energy and executive dysfunction. Which is great!!! i love my adderoll and im so glad that i can feel a little bit more like a normal person, and im proud of myself pursuing it until i got it. But it doesn’t change that i wont ever be able to just relate to most people. Its like growing up with undiagnosed adhd created a Me and Them venn diagram, where everything that makes me who i am can never be in the center of the interlocking circles. The way i speak, how fast, how slow, how hesitant, how exuberant- i never realized how much i masked until i started talking with people whos brains worked at the same pace as mine. people who thought the strangest, unhelpful thoughts too. Im not trying to make myself special or some sort of ‘other’ in society -im a little white girl who grew up in a house with two floors and my own room, nothing was really working against me outside of myself. But having something inside of you that is unquestionably you and it just seems like youre the only one whos like this for no reason was just so hard. its kinda...harder now that i know none of it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

sigh. this is all over the place. anyone who cares to read congrats on seeings how my brain connects thoughts in real time. i dont have aphantasia or anything but my imagination and thoughts have always been more word and language based than visual, so rather than having racing thoughts of intense images of memories my brain just produces sentences ed nauseum or whatever. Thoughts that i might not even agree with but they rile me up and pull me under anyway- if im stressed the stress just manifests as a tornado of sentences and phrases happening concurrently, like theres some sort of crowd in my head saying vaguely similar things out of time. or harsh things. or mean things. but i think thats kai’s fault. like when i was spiraling over a failing grade in chemistry in my dorm at 2am where i couldnt stop thinking that the only reason i hadnt killed myself already was because i was such a financial drain on everyone around me and i couldnt waste their money by dying. maybe theres a hint of truth in there but its so exaggerated. i havent killed myself because i want to live and experience my life as much as i experience the lives of others, but i also always feel this heavy burden of wasted money, wasted time, wasted potential, constantly stirring up my brain. 

this started with my passport, right? thats my stressor right now, and its pretty big so it bleeds into other parts of my life so easily. my therapist says i have this habit of replacing one stressor with another, and sometimes i can recognize it, but i dont think its getting replaced as much as its being amplified. Im waiting on my passport, which probably wont get here before my travel date, so ill have to fly to vermont and get one the day before i travel even though i already have one in processing. I spent $1400 on my ticket and i cant even transfer it to anyone without getting a refund or something, and i spent that much money without even knowing if i could travel. can i even get a refund? i worry about it as soon as i wake up, whenever i have a free moment to think, when im going to bed, when im playing games. when im doing anything that isnt working on getting my passport, even though i cant really do anything but call the same phone number and wait on hold for hours. but because im ‘not trying hard enough’ to get my passport, im too overwhlmed to do my laundry. to clean my room. to exercise my dog properly. im irritable. i just want to see my friends but i dont even talk about whats bothering me because im afraid to cry in front of them. im crying right now because this is the only outlet ive given myself to feel in literal months. writing always does this to me, drags me into emotions i dont realize im pushing down until the words just come out against my own will. i missed typing on my keyboard though. i missed thinking and seeing it in front of me, so i guess this is a sort of catharsis. i put some clothes in the laundry, at least. good job me. 

maybe this will all work out in the end and itll feel great. maybe ill get on a plane with my original ticket and have a fun few weeks away from everything ive always known. maybe ill set foot on a sidewalk ive never touched before! maybe ill get that tattoo. maybe things will be okay. i can focus on stuff working out too, if i try hard enough. i think im done writing now. half way through this i worked some stuff out with my friends and there are a few things that are less scary now than when i first started writing. see you next time

#journal #6/6/21 #personal #suicide ment #prefer it if you dont reblog