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#i have to deal w money myself and budget stuff
sensacetionalshady · 9 months
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prep4tomoro · 1 year
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Minimalist Living - The Conserver Lifestyle: Freedom From Stuff
Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions." (Luke 12:15) Security doesn't come from having more but from needing less. "Because we lack a divine Center, our need for security has led us into an insane attachment to things. We really must understand that the lust for affluence in contemporary society is psychotic. It is psychotic because it has completely lost touch with reality. We crave things we neither need nor enjoy. 'We buy things we do not want to impress people we do not like'. Where planned obsolescence leaves off, psychological obsolescence takes over. We are made to feel ashamed to wear clothes or drive cars until they are worn out. The mass media have convinced us that to be out of step with fashion is to be out of step with reality. It is time we awaken to the fact that conformity to a sick society is to be sick. Until we see how unbalanced our culture has become at this point, we will not be able to deal with the mammon spirit within ourselves nor will we desire Christian simplicity." ― Richard J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth "a man there was, though some did count him mad, the more he cast away the more he had." ― John Bunyan, The Pilgrim's Progress Job, Money, Status, Stuff . . . the American Dream? The American nightmare! The more I have, the more I want, the more things breakdown, the more stress to replace them and get more. How does it end? An unfullfilled life (and death) or with removing those "things" that satisfy so little. The older I get, the less I need, and the more I realize how my possessions have become more burdensome than comforting. The more I have, the more I have to lose. I am a slave to my stuff. The more money I make, the more stress I have and more fearful of losing what I have strived so hard to accumulate. "The one with the most toys wins" is a favorite saying for the one who seeks stuff to make them think they are happy. A movie called "LESS: Losing is Everything" helps to make the point that "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change" and will gain a new-found sense of freedom. Needs vs. Wants: NEEDS are basic (not fancy) things we must have to survive like air, water, food, shelter and clothing. WANTS are luxuries; things I can live without like TV, car, jewelry; things we would like to have simply to enjoy. I ask myself the question "do I NEED this or do I WANT it?" Is it a necessity for my health or to perform a task, or is it something I want, just because? I have found that most of what I thought I needed, is simply something I wanted and could have done without and saved money, space and the aggrivation to get it. Later, I find those wants have lost the alure that sucked me in to buying them, and now I just want to get rid of the financial burden, or inconvenience, they cause. I encourage seeking simplicity. The more I have, the more I have to lose and greater will be the pain when it's gone. Things I Have Learned:
1 - Never say "never" - When we say “I could never…” we are limiting the possibilities for our lives. 2 - Start Working NOW to Get Out of Debt 3 - Don't envy those who have more. They, generally, have more to lose, more to maintain, less freedom and less financial discipline. 4 - Become keenly aware of income, spending and savings activities. This is best done with a Spending Plan/Budget. 5 - Establish and practice a strict NEEDS vs. WANTS mentality. Don't justify giving in to WANTS and Instant Gratification. 6 - Eliminate unnecessary (WANTS) monthly expenses. 7 - Find ways to reduce necessary (NEEDS) monthly expenses. 8 - Combine travel. If you need to go to the store, stop by the store on your way home from work. And shop at stores on route to/from home. 9 - Understand that "less expensive" does not necessarily mean "cheap". "Less expensive" soap will clean, and "less expensive" toilet paper will wipe, and go down the drain just as well as the "best" expensive brands (see The Dollar Store is My Friend). 10 - Turn off or unplug electical applicances and lights when not being actively used (see Kill Your Electrical Vampires). 11 - Addictions and Bad Habits sap, not only our finances, but our energy and health as well. Kick the habits. You can do it!
Consider a Disciplined Pursuit of Less: Not just haphazardly saying no, but purposefully, deliberately, and strategically eliminating the nonessentials. Not just once a year as part of a planning meeting, but constantly reducing, focusing, and simplifying. Not just getting rid of the obvious time wasters, but being willing to say NO to really terrific opportunities as well. Ask "What is essential?" and eliminate the rest. Everything changes when we give ourselves permission to eliminate the nonessentials. At once, we have the key to unlock the next level of our lives. Few appear to have the courage to live this principle, which may be why it differentiates successful people and organizations from the very successful ones. Too many of us trade our happiness and well-being for the reliability of a steady paycheck. We work long hours at jobs we dislike or find unfulfilling so that we can buy a lot of stuff that never really seems to satisfy us. And when that paycheck turns out to be not so reliable, we panic. Unemployment terrifies us. Is there any way out of this dilemma? Charles Long reveals one possibility -- the Conserver Lifestyle. . . . Security doesn't come from having more but from needing less. Resources: How to Survive Without a Salary by Charles Long Books on Frugal Living [Reference Link] Related Links: No-Nonsense Guide to Simplify Every Aspect of Your Life (Podcast) Is Simple Living for You? The Untapped Potential of Less Find That "One Thing"
[14-Point Emergency Preps Checklist] [11-Cs Basic Emergency Kit] [Learn to be More Self-Sufficient] [The Ultimate Preparation] [5six7 Menu]
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athinveil · 11 months
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saw you in the notes of some post saying you work in finance. like, no pressure, and i'm not expecting any depth from a tumblr ask, but... do you have any advice for people living paycheck to paycheck other than the classic "make a budget"? (i have already discovered that getting a credit card does not help.)
just wondering if there's anything you've learned from your profession that you wish was better known to the public
https://undebt.it/ is a big help to help pay off debt efficiently undebt it - google search if you don’t like hitting links - I don’t hitting links. I have a super hard time with budgets myself. And credit cards are rough - I get manic and then my budget friendly self can’t keep up with manic me.
Apologies in advance if some of this is like bro - I don’t live a place w these stores - just mentally replace store names with what’s around you.
If your debt has an interest rate under 7%, pay the minimums because a lot of investments will grow at 7% or better (common examples - car loans, most student loans, mortgages, etc.). Typically it’s better to focus on the higher interest loans/debt first. If it’s above 7%, prioritize that. A lot of minimum payments will also never pay off your debt - designed to keep you in it.
If you have a Roth option in your work retirement account, do that. It’s taxed now instead of in retirement - taxes only go up over time. However if you need to reduce your taxable income, then pretax dollars will do that. Only contribute up to the match if it’s not Roth. If it’s pretax, then you usually only want do up to the match. Maximize the free money you can get from your employer.
Always opt into long term disability insurance at work. When you can afford some extra coverage check out supplemental (most employers offer 60% in the US - if you only were paid 60% of your income it would be rough), life insurance is cheap - 200k is a small policy. The company you go with matters. A company like mass mutual or northwestern mutual (I’m at northwestern) gives higher dividends- basically a good chunk of profit goes back to policy holders instead of stockholders. Most companies can run company comparisons. Insurance pays for financial security. It’s not a scam - which is genuinely what I thought of it before I got into the field and understood it better.
Whole life insurance costs more - but it’s worth it. It’s like buying your insurance instead of renting. Again company matters - example: northwestern mutual cash value grows historically at 5% on average, give or take, usually give. It’s money you can use to collateralize a loan or take a loan out against your own policy and “be your own bank” - downside, if finances are unstable, it’s a policy with regular premiums. Unlike a Roth you can stop contributing to any time, you’re paying for coverage and it’s monthly or whatever interval without much for exceptions. Probably not a good fit for you right now with being paycheck to paycheck - but something to keep in mind for the future.
Some of my hacks for my own life and my tight budget - I get most of my stuff off of Facebook marketplace for free or cheap - if you search something for a week or two and save the cheap items eventually they’ll appear for free or less and less. You just gotta be quick to ask and pick up. I picked up a stand alone pantry cabinet yesterday for free so now I have more storage space for non-perishables. Also if you just always keep free and “curb alert” as a regular search item you’ll find good stuff. I’ve picked up some things that I know have value near me - like fish tanks with stands only to resell them later at market value which is higher because I’m in a city/suburban outskirts - I only deal in cash on Facebook because they wanna start tracking and people can’t rescind a $20 electronically.
There are food shelves that don’t require minimums. There’s also no shame in seeing if you can get assistance from the government. If you can boost yourself to live better, do it.
The dollar tree (and some other dollar stores) - while most food at the dollar tree isn’t a good deal - I’ve also found shelf stable tofu, pesto, mustard (1.25 vs $5 for pesto). I also have pets - my cats get their toys on a stick with the dangly strings from the dollar tree. I get all of my cleaning products at the dollar tree. You can also make your own - one super simple one is lemon juice (from bottle), white vinegar, and water.
I shop at specific places for specific items. I get carbon litter box filters at my hardware store because they’re a dollar there instead of $5-7 elsewhere.
I order my groceries online - it’s convenient but it also eliminates a lot of impulse shopping. I pay $10/month for it, but I save more than $10 in not impulse buying.
I mostly avoid target - target has done research on how to get you to buy more - it works. So I avoid it. Not that other stores don’t do similarly, but I know that I will fail myself at target - sort of a figure out your vices.
I shop at discount grocery stores. I got to Asian grocery stores for tea because I get way more tea for way less. I go to Aldi for most of my vegetarian foods and also their chicken. Most of their stuff is a fair bit cheaper and I’ve figured out which off brand or Aldi brand stuff I like.
I work in a super fancy office - think of a building with literal halls with marble tile. I get 99% of my clothes from thrift stores. I’m picky - I try to buy only things that I feel good in (not I feel okay, but I feel good) and I have a hard time pushing myself over $10 for almost anything. I dress with a classic style because then I don’t have to chase trends. I mostly just wear black pants and a shirt that looks business casual.
Garage sale - I spent a Saturday driving around the town I grew up in going to garage sales. Saturdays are usually the last day sales are open - they want stuff gone as the reality sets in that whatever isn’t sold is being donated. I filled a paper grocery bag full of clothing for my spouse and paid $1. I’ve hit sales where the person just wanted to be done and said just take everything you want, free. I haggle. I ask if they’d do a deal for a bunch of stuff if it’s a good sale. If there’s something I’m looking for or need - I know the value of the item before I go shopping and I know the value of it to me. I wanted a giant bean bag chair. I valued that at a maximum of $20. The going Facebook marketplace was $50-150. I held out and got one for $7 at a thrift store.
Sign up for VIP stuff at thrift stores and reward programs (assuming it’s free). Don’t buy most holiday decor new - thrift stores can barely sell a christmas tree.
Home Depot and many hardware stores offer free how-to classes - you want to learn how to lay tile? Sign up for a class. Learn to diy what you’re comfortable doing. Some labor and know how is worth paying for. Example: I will not lay tile because I can live with a crooked tile if someone else did it. I can’t if I did it. For my sanity, I would pay for that. Minding - I need that done currently and can’t afford it so it’s just not on the reality list.
Grow some of your own food if you can. Grow lights can be cheap and seeds are cheap. Sometimes you can split a pack with a friend. You can also get free pots and gardening materials online easily. Maybe not the seeds tho. If you hate gardening then don’t bother. What you want matters too.
When you buy stuff - make sure you love it when you can. Stuff you love, you will keep and use. Stuff you feel so-so about might end up being donated next year.
Utilize libraries! They have e-books also and there are so many free apps you can download to read them on. If I’m only gonna read a book once, then I shouldn’t own it. Reality is - I don’t reread that many books. Too many more books to read.
If you’re into cold brew coffee - dark roast Walmart makes just as good as a fancy brand that costs more. Try off brand stuff - it’s often way better or exactly the same. Walmart chips ahoy offbrand is better than chips ahoy. ALDIs version of coconut caramel Girl Scout chocolate cookies taste the same as Girl Scout ones but cost under $2.
Find hobbies that don’t cost you money or cost you very little money. Aquarium fish are not that hobby as I’ve learned the hard way. But I have a beautiful dr who tank so at least there’s that. I volunteered for a while with shelter cats - the ones that are in pet stores. I got kitty snuggles and got to put it on my resume. Can’t afford a pet but want one? Foster - the shelter pays for everything. One of my new hobbies is literally finding free things on Facebook marketplace. It’s great.
If you’re on meds and insurance isn’t covering everything - check out goodrx. Also - check different pharmacies and keep checking. CVS wanted $300 for 1 month of my depression meds. I walked away w/o meds. I went to Costco a week later (no membership needed for specifically their pharmacy) and got those same meds for maybe $10 without insurance.
YouTube can also teach you neat skills. Tumblr can too - I got really into tiny homes - still love them but I can’t ethically keep a Great Dane mix and all my cats in a tiny space - a big part of tiny homes is making sure you have what you need but you have it smart. I gleaned a lot from that obsession. How to have a full wardrobe w 30 pieces of clothing but still variety? It showed it. Most tiny home people are about financial freedom - a lot of them perhaps don’t have a financial background, but it’s about gathering info that works for you.
If you have kids - I do not - but I have a niece. So much free stuff from other people. I think I gave my sister in law about the first years worth of clothing for her kid and it mostly cost me some laundry soap and time with marketplace and stopping for bags of free kids clothes on the side of the road (that I then picked through, washed, and donated the iffy ones). I even got a bouncer thingy that I took apart and cleaned and gave her. Plus a stroller for my mother in law - one of those $300 ones that someone just wanted gone at no cost.
I’ve got home owner savings tricks too if you need them - but let’s be honest, few of us can afford homes. I have one in a super sketchy area that has shot spotter tech to help police respond faster to gunfire. But honestly just lucked out and fell into the job I have now.
Buy quality when you can - I got clearance Clark’s brand shoes for my job - I think they cost me $40? They’ve lasted years. I got thrift store shoes and they are falling apart in less than a year. Those same thrift store shoes during the 5 years that I’ve had my clearance Clark’s would have cost more to replace that 5x over.
Make sure you’re taking care of yourself - eat enough, sleep enough. Your health will affect how you work and live - you matter. I do premier protein shakes in the morning so I get enough protein and also account for my inability to wake up with enough time to make food. I try to bring my lunch to work. Peanut butter sandwiches are a big go-to for me. I’m rather sick of them, but for now, it helps me to save a bit and prioritize things that are more important to me.
I’m trying to think of other stuff. I mean maybe you’re already doing a big load of this or have even cut some of these expenses out. I’ve got more pet saving tricks - pets are something in life that bring me so much joy and happiness so I have them and I try to be responsible and smart with spending on them - but maybe you don’t have pets or don’t want them. I love video games so I have a few systems - mainly PC. I wait for sales for games. I still buy things that are discretionary. I buy “what I want” when I can but I try to make sure it really is something that I want. I wait for game reviews to come out.
I try to find easy recipes online with a focus on budget friendly and quick to make. Preferably with leftovers to avoid a peanut butter sandwich for a day or two. I’m in a Facebook group called “what broke vegans eat.” I go to a butcher to get ground beef because it costs the same but has less gristle and they can give me tips on making different things. Plus I can occasionally splurge on something simple - they have the best in house take home and bake lasagna which last me at least 4-5 days between my spouse and I.
What field are you job-wise? What field or kind of work would you want to be in if you could choose? What kind of hours would you prefer to work? Education level? Are you in the US? Might have some tips around that too. Is there an area you want advice on - like X costs so much, what tips do you have for cost savings with that, etc.
So happy to help. Sorry for the novel.
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natalieironside · 2 years
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Hey Natalie, I was wondering if you had any guides you used for self publishing? I've written like..... 2 and a half kissing books and I'm considering publishing them for fun and profit 😳 if not nbd, I am proficient in google, I just have trouble figuring out how much of that grind mentality is actually important.
I'm mostly blundering my way through this myself, but I'll give it a shot.
No matter what anybody tells you: Once you've written the book and cleaned it up for publication, the hard part's over. My sales as a self-pub author of extremely niche fiction are already way higher than I expected, and none of the work I've put into marketing has been half as much time or effort as actually creating the thang dings.
If you have the money, hire an editor. The Last Girl Scout was a self-edit (on account of I didn't and don't have the money), and while I am still very happy with it, it's nowhere near the book it could've been as a consequence--as many Goodreads reviewers will tell you.
I also recommend hiring a formatter. You can do your own formatting if you're like a nerd who knows about computers and stuff, but it's a lot of work and not everybody has that skill set. Also, like with editing, it is very very easy to overlook mistakes when it's your own work your dealing with. Here I'm gonna plug @kodyboye, who's formatted all the stuff I've sent to print and does excellent work (also fast as hell; iirc he had like 24-hour turnaround on the typescript of TLGS, which is a 600-page leviathan).
Once you've got your formatted files and cover art (which is a whole 'nother kettle of worms that I do not feel qualified to get into, I have An Associate who handles that for me), self-pub is as easy as hitting a button if you use Amazon KDP or as easy as hitting 3 or 4 more buttons if you use another service. Then you'll have a book and you'll be like "Wtf I'm an author."
(note on the above: Do not fuck w/ any service that asks you for money. Pay-to-play publishing services are 100% a scam; a publisher or publishing service asking an author to pay them is literally the same thing as your boss making you pay to come to work)
As for marketing: If you don't have the budget for paid promotions (which I don't and I'm assuming most ppl reading this don't), the best thing you can do is to Be A Person On The Internet. I'm lucky b/c I'd already developed a not-insignificant following from being a weird nerd Tumblr shitposter before I had to make a book happen, but you can speedrun that by just being generally active on your blog. In addition to whatever your regular blog content is, post samples of your work, talk about your creative process, be ready to talk about your books A Lot even on those days when it feels like nobody else is, and follow tags like #writeblr and #bookblr. (I'm also gonna tag in @thebibliosphere who is an A+ Tumblr follow and way better at this game than me)
I also very recommend joining a trade organization; I've been a member of the Horror Writers Association for a little over a year now and it's pretty great being automatically plugged into a network of other ppl in the industry.
And for broader-scope industry networking w/ people who are also very very invested in Writers Getting Paid For Their Work, I encourage (that is: beg) everybody who's even thinking about putting pen to paper to join the Freelance Journalists Union:
Hope this helps <3
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ratmonky · 3 years
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Death Drive
Word Count: 5.5K
Warnings: non-con, mild blood, choking, biting, fight/violence, burns, tentacle
AO3 Link
A gift to my lovely friend who also drew this gorgeous piece for this fic,  @bacterialheaven​  <3 (Your art fascinates me so much ahh T^T)
Although most of the devil hunters have the life instinct, I think Hirofumi doesn't care much about survival while doing his work, making him the perfect example of an individual with a death drive. Just like Kishibe (:
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The depths of the ocean had many things hidden at the bottom where sunlight never reached. Fish still yet to be discovered, monsters and devils.
Swimming in the ocean was something you could never do since the thought of never knowing what might be hiding underneath the dark waters was horrifying.
However, the terrifying creatures of the ocean could never get you as long as you stayed on the land.  
Right?
~~~
Hitchhiking wasn’t as dangerous as you had anticipated. When you told your close friends that you would be making your way out of the city by hitchhiking, they warned you about the dangers of getting in the car with someone who might want to hurt you. No matter how much you tried to explain to them how you had to lay low and stay away from any public transportations to not get caught, they didn’t listen.
However you hadn’t listened to them either, that was why you were sitting on your luggage near the roadside. You were only a couple of towns away from the city but you still had a long way to travel.
It had taken you more than a dozen rides to get to here from where you had started. Normally it would take two hours by car to travel here but it took you eight hours to get where you were now.
It was getting late, your last ride had promised to drop you off next to a place you could stay the night but the man was too creepy to look at and you felt uneasy to be stuck in the truck with him.
Naturally, you had insisted that he dropped you off on the first roadside diner.
You regretted it now. It was the middle of the night, you didn’t have any place to stay and the roadside diner you had been planning to eat was out of your budget.
Either you had to get a ride now to save money to travel to a cheaper roadside diner or go out of your budget and stay the night here feasting on food… The latter option was the worst. Saving money was more important.
You knew how to attract a ride anyway. Smile in a friendly way, hold up your ‘going to the countryside!’ sign, and hope for the best. You wouldn’t wait any longer than between ten to fifteen minutes before hitching a ride but it was almost impossible to get a ride at night.
There was no way that someone would drive you to the next town or somewhere you could sleep. Everyone was on the edge because of the devil attacks that had started happening more frequently.
No. Don’t think about devils. Not now. Not ever.
With a long sigh, you redirected the light from your flashlight onto the map. You could wait until the morning or start walking on the side of the road until you came across a gas station; however, it all felt like a waste of time and effort. This side of the city didn’t have anything but trees on the roadsides. It could be dangerous to walk close to the forest at night too, you had heard the devils who lived in nature would come out at night.
The sound of your stomach grumbling brought you out of your frantic thoughts.
You were starving, the last thing you ate was a granola bar in the morning. It had been quite a while since you had last eaten but if you went over your budget, you might not be able to make it to your destination.
“Where are you headed?”
Startled, you turned your head to the man who was talking to you. He looked around your age, he had black hair and a rather creepy smile tugging at his lips.
“Um, the countryside.”
“Oh, you’re all alone?” he asked.
You nodded to confirm. Then internally yelled at yourself for telling him that you were alone. He could be someone dangerous.
“I’m headed to the countryside too, want me to give you a ride?” He gestured towards a black car parked in front of the diner.
You would have taken his offer if it weren’t for the sinister smile on his face.
“Thank you but I wouldn’t want to be a burden.” You averted your gaze from him and shone the light back on the map.
“It’s dangerous to be out this late at night.” He put his hands in his pockets, shrugging slightly. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing I didn’t take you to safety.” He gestured towards the parked car behind him once again. “I'll give you a ride, free of charge.”
He had cornered you, there was no reason for you to refuse his offer. You were still conflicted though, you would have turned him down if it wasn’t this late in the night. He didn’t look like the type of person to take no for an answer either. You couldn’t say no to his generous offer but you kept hesitating. If you were to find the perfect excuse maybe he would leave. However, you didn’t have any excuses.
Ugh!
Why were you even hesitating? You needed a ride and here was this guy, offering to take you away from the doomed city. You hit the jackpot!
“A-are you sure?”
“Come on, I was about to leave.”
“Ah, I can’t thank you enough.” Gathering the stuff you had with you and putting away the flashlight, you forced yourself to smile at him. “You saved me from waiting who knows how long for another ride.”
He didn’t say anything as he led the way towards his car. Opening the baggage, he let you put your luggage in the back and closed it. As you were walking around the car to open the door and sit on the back seat, the guy spoke before he hopped on the driver seat himself.
“I have stuff in the back, sit on the front.”
You stared inside through the window to see two large black bags on the backseats. Reluctantly, you reached to open the front door and climbed inside the car.
“So, where are you exactly headed?” He asked as he put on his seatbelt.
His question brought you out of your frantic thoughts. “Somewhere remote.”
“Hmm, so no specific destination? Don’t you have a family member who’s waiting for you? Where are you going to stay?”
You didn’t have anywhere to stay. At least not yet. Your plan was to find a motel and stay somewhere remote until people forgot about you.
Most importantly, it didn’t feel like he was asking these questions to start a conversation. You changed your mind, wanting to get out of the car.
You turned your head to tell him that but his unsettling stare left you speechless.
He asked a more particular question. “Do you have a specific address you want me to drop you off to?”
“I-in front of the first cheap motel we come across would be perfect.” You clutched on your small shoulder bag. You felt nervous when people stared at you for too long.
He hummed in acknowledgment as the car rolled forward.
“You seem to have a lot of luggage. Moving somewhere?” he spoke again, taking a turn and getting on the highway.
Your head jerked up, looking at him. “Um, uh.” You were hesitant to lie. “I’m just backpacking around the country.”
“Wouldn’t it be cheaper to bike instead of hitchhiking?” He wasn’t even facing you but you could tell he was smirking at your utter stupidity. “Or rather do it with a group?”
Although your throat felt dry, you didn’t dare to swallow. “Probably but I wanted to have a little adventure for myself, alone.”
“Don’t backpackers usually have a backpack and not a luggage?”
“I just have too many things I need with me.” Ahh, you were so bad at lying. Stop fidgeting with your fingers and looking around like that. He will notice. Just… change the subject. “A-anyway, I don’t think we introduced ourselves. I’m (name), what’s your name?”
“Hirofumi.” He grabbed the gear shift, changing it to a higher level and speeding up. You sank deeper into your seat and started to panic. Only then you realized you hadn’t put on your own seatbelt. While you were hurriedly trying to put it on, Hirofumi pressed on the cigarette lighter button. You hoped he wasn’t going to smoke inside the car but failed to notice how there weren't any cigarette tar stains on the interior of the car.
He took a sharp turn, you grunted but managed to put your seatbelt on. As you sat back in your seat, the first thing you noticed was that he was driving down towards a road leading towards the forest.
“Um, I think you took a wrong turn,” you said, bringing it up to his attention.
“It’s a shortcut.” He kept his eyes on the road that was only being illuminated by the headlights, everything else was dark, you had no idea what kind of shortcut he was taking.
There was this feeling of being in the middle of the ocean. You could feel something sinister was lingering in the deep dark water underneath you. Something was about to emerge and grab you by your ankle, pull you down, and drown you.
You knew how to swim.
However, could you swim if whatever thing was pulling you down turned out to be a lot stronger and scarier than anything you had ever faced?
Could you struggle when you were this weak?
Could you fight when you had nothing to fight with?
Without your weapons.
Without your badge.
Without your devil.
“You know, hitchhiking was a great idea,” he said, his fingers drumming on the steering wheel as he continued smiling. “It was a smart option but for someone as dumb as you, there was a way to ruin it. You went and told all of your dumb friends about your plan.”
You stared at him for some sort of explanation but you didn’t need any. Yet you still asked him, whimpering, “W-what are you talking about?” Your bottom lip had started trembling.
He knew.
“For a devil hunter, your sense of danger is too low.”
A tremendous wave of panic washed over you when he sped up.
“Who are you?” Did you even need to ask? He was one of those private hunters. Makima had most likely sent him after you.
Despite being a devil hunter from the city, you were now weak. You had resigned from your work without notice and broke the deal with your devil. Although it had been an impending decision rather than a sudden one, you had left your work abruptly.
After watching so many people die and losing who you had thought would be your friends for a long time, the bitter truth of being a devil hunter had resurfaced.
Devil hunters were destined to die on the job, sooner or later.
The money you earned from being a devil hunter could let you live in comfort materialistically until the day you died but having to suffer from nightmares every single time you put your head on the pillow or closed your eyes could never be comforting. It wasn’t worth it.
You didn’t want to lose more people or see any more grotesque devils murdering civilians but once you started working under Makima’s orders, leaving wasn’t that easy.
That’s why you were on the run.
Even though you had sworn to protect the people of your country, you were running away from the job that gave you a purpose to your insignificant life like a coward.
How childish.
The cigarette lighter popped off with a soft click sound, bringing you out of your hectic thoughts.
He was taking you back… He was going to hand you over to Makima. You were going to work until you died.
“You should’ve gone up north, going south was predictable. Well, at least if you hadn’t told your friends about the hitchhiking part, maybe you’d go under everyone’s radar. However you’re a chatty one, aren’t you? Some ‘friendship comes before work’ type of person, huh? That would explain a lot-”
Hirofumi’s words didn’t reach you anymore. The color drained from your face and your ears started ringing. Your whole body started to shake, and tears started streaming down your cheeks. “Please,” you sobbed, your voice came out shaky, pathetic. “Please don’t do this. I did nothing. I’m just tired of all of the deaths and I can’t handle it any-”
“You can’t talk your way out of this,” Hirofumi said as he took another sharp turn, driving deeper into the forest.
You found yourself stuttering, ”Y-you don’t understand.” You looked at Hirofumi with tears in your eyes. “I’ll be killed.”
“What are you so unhappy with?” Hirofumi spoke again but he wasn’t even facing you. “It’s not like you were living contentedly up until now, were you? In that case, it makes no difference where you live or what you do for a living. Or if you’re killed or not.”
Your face found a new shade of pale. He wouldn’t understand. He was one of those crazy devil hunters who had shut their humanity off.
“You only had to kill demons for a bit and you got rice every day. It might as well be heaven but I guess you weren’t a real hunter.” His smile grew wider as he was watching the trees creep towards him slowly before zooming past the window. “You can die in peace now.”
You got quiet but your tears didn’t stop.
With a vicious smile on his lips, Hirofumi turned away to face you. “You know, a pro devil hunter wouldn’t cry.”
Everything was spinning, it made you believe that your head felt fuzzy. It didn’t even occur to you that he was driving at a normal speed now. Almost immediately you tried to think of an escape plan. Could you manage to run away if you were taken to the headquarters? There was no way you could and that was why you had to fight with everything you had to refuse to go with him. You looked out of the window, the forest could be a great way to lose him. The trees and the darkness could cover you, giving you the advantage to sneak away without having to face this guy in a battle. What was your next move going to be?
You didn’t know but you had to get away.
You stared at the door lock, it was locked but you could lift it even without him noticing. The speed was still accelerating but if you managed to jump out of the car you would have a head start by running. The car wouldn’t stop until his shock wore off and that would give you the great advantage of looking for a place to hide.
There weren’t many people or devils out in the forest at this time of the night. Hopefully. It would be easy for you to run without being seen by another person who could tell him where you went.
What if a devil attacked-
Getting overwhelmed, you took a sharp breath and exhaled loudly. You had to calm down. You didn’t have much time to think over the plan, you just had to do it. If you waited for too long you were going to lose this chance of getting away.
Hesitantly, you glanced at Hirofumi. To your luck, he was only focused on driving.
Cone on. Come on. Come on.
Your heart was pounding, a single cold sweat droplet trickled down from the burning skin of your temple to your cheek as you carefully and suddenly unlocked the door. But you forgot about the most important thing. Your seatbelt. Your biggest mistake was forgetting to unbuckle your seatbelt. As you had twisted your body to jump out of the car, you had found yourself stuck, slammed back into your seat from the force of the seatbelt itself.
Hirofumi stared at you as if it wasn’t a big deal that you opened the door of the moving vehicle or how you were trying to escape. He lifted his right hand up while he crossed his middle and index fingers, “Octopus.”
Your blood ran cold as a giant tentacle emerged outside of the car from a dark cloud and slammed the door closed. You were frozen in your seat as if your muscles had dried up and turned to stone.
What was that?
No, you didn’t want to know.
The car decelerated until it slowly rolled to a stop.
You didn’t dare to look at Hirofumi but you knew he was smiling at you. You knew he had that sinister smile plastered on his face, glowering at you with his big dark eyes.
“Ink.”
He turned off the engine, the headlights flickered off and it became pitch black. Darker than black. It all swallowed you whole. It was as if light didn't exist, the only thing you could see was the dangerous glint in his eyes.
Hirofumi calmly plucked off the burning hot cigarette lighter and held his hand out towards you but you couldn't see. “Ms. Makima told me to bring you to the headquarters,” he said, pausing momentarily as you were trembling in fear, unable to move a muscle. “Dead or alive. I get paid either way.”
You gulped audibly. This was it, wasn’t it? The end.
There was another long pause before he sighed and pressed the cigarette lighter on your thigh. “Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you.”
The sharp pain made your eyes widen and your mouth popped open in pain. You could run away, you just had to unbuckle the seatbelt and bolt out of the car.
However, as soon as your hand went to the buckle to pop the latch plate out, he firmly pressed the metal lighter on the back of your hand.
Yowling in agony, you refused to retrieve your hand and instead unbuckled your seatbelt. Without giving him another chance to attack, you opened the door.
As soon as you fell on the mud, you took a couple of wobbly steps before finally gaining your strength and used the ground as a springboard to start running without looking back. Things weren't as dark now, you could see well but you still were confused about things. Without actually having a clear idea of your whereabouts you kept running deeper into the forest but you couldn’t run in a straight line, you had to confuse him with which way you were running. Abruptly, you stopped to look around to see where you could run. The sudden movements made you lose your balance, stumble and fall down. You scraped your knees. Without checking your injuries, you got up to make a sudden bolt to your right.
Your own heavy footsteps were echoing each time your foot made contact with the wet mud. Or... no. Those weren't echoes of your own footsteps they were more like- They belonged to someone else-
“You’re running too slow.” A scoff.
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw him running next to you. He wasn’t out of breath like you were but he lifted his hand towards you, pointing his forefinger at your face before crossing his middle finger over the other digit.
He was going to call out his devil again.
With a sob, you made a move to change your direction but it was too late.
“Octopus.”
Black smoke appeared behind him. From the dark mist, a tentacle emerged, abruptly grabbing you by the waist, you flailed violently as soon as your body crashed onto the tentacle. It lifted you up, punching the air out of your lungs from the force of its grip around your body. You started hitting the tentacle’s slimy skin, crying and yelling at the same time. “Let me go, let go!”
Hirofumi pressed his hand on the tentacle and walked towards you while dragging his hand on it. “You’re more fun than I thought.”
As he was getting closer, you struggled within the tentacle’s hold by kicking helplessly at the air. “Get away from me!”
He stopped in front of you and looked up at you with that same disturbing smile before tapping on the tentacle twice. “I took a liking to you.” The tentacle lowered you down until Hirofumi tapped on it again to stop. “You’re quite interesting.”
The tentacle tightened its grip around you and forced your arms to be pressed against your chest. You were getting crushed, you kept trying to inhale but no air was going inside your lungs.
“However it still would be less of a hassle for me to take your corpse to Ms. Makima. You’re just too annoying.”
Fear came rushing back, the bitter reality of how insignificant your life was a harsh truth to accept. Hirofumi could kill you without batting an eye, he would be fine with taking your life because at the end of the day he was going to get paid for doing his job.
You opened your mouth to beg for his mercy but nothing would come out. Your face was turning blue from lack of air instead.
Hirofumi said something you couldn’t hear. Instantly the tentacle’s hold loosened around you. With the pressure gone,  you greedily inhaled air, filling up your lungs and coughing.
“I’ll make it quick,” he said, this time frowning instead of smiling. “What a shame though, I thought we’d be able to work together in the future.”
“W-wait!” you coughed, trying to catch your breath to talk to him. “No, no, no! Please, I’ll do anything. Please,  I won’t try to run again, I’ll sit patiently and- and-”
He was very quiet, almost silent, but resolute. The blood in your face drained away when you heard his cold and terrifying tone asking you a question with three simple words, “You’ll do anything?”
Your eyes widened as you tried to process the meaning behind his words, you could feel your blood being pumped through your veins but something was wrong, there was a heavy feeling of something crawling under your skin.
“I’ll do anything.”
That sinister smile returned to his face.
The tentacle lowered you, now, your feet could touch the solid ground.
“I want you to prove me wrong,” he said, stretching his arms above his head.
“Huh?” The tentacle unwrapped around you but remained at the back while you stared at the guy in front of you in confusion. “Prove what?”
He positioned himself in a fighting pose. “Prove that you’re a devil hunter worth keeping alive. Let’s duke it out.”
He had to be kidding. You were nothing without a weapon or your devil. It was unfair to you and-
Hirofumi landed a sudden kick on your stomach, doubling in pain, you took a couple of wobbly steps back.
When you glanced up at him, you saw him jumping in his place as if he was only warming up. He was taunting you, don’t fall for it.
Yet you knew he wasn’t kidding about you proving him that you were a good hunter. He had made it clear. So you had no choice but to take him down if you wanted to live.
You aimed a kick towards him but he caught you mid-air by your ankle. Whimpering, you tried pulling your leg back to no avail. The panic of the situation started to settle in as he got closer to you. “That’s cute, you didn’t even put any strength behind your kick.” He tucked your leg around his waist, closing the distance between the two of you. His face had gotten awfully close, his hot breath ghosted over your face. For the first time tonight, you looked at his eyes directly, his pupils were dilated to the point of being completely black. You could see your own terrified expression being reflected back to you in them. To put it simply, you were at his mercy once again, balanced only on a single leg with no way of escaping his hold.
���You lose,” he grinned. “You really aren’t cut out to be a devil hunter.”
“Please,” you began but he interrupted you, his other hand pressing on the small of your back and sliding down your curves to squeeze a generous amount of the supple flesh of your ass. Your breath hitched, the uneasy feeling of being powerless against a higher rank like him made your stomach churn in fear.
“Let’s have some fun before you die.” You could hear the smile in his voice.
With that, the tentacle returned, abruptly going under your shirt, pulling it up and over your head. You didn’t even get the time to react as Hirofumi let your leg down to shove you forward against the tentacle. Gasping, you planted your hands against the tentacle in a pathetic attempt to push yourself up but it was now impossible with his weight pressing you down. His hands were holding your hips in a death grip and rubbing your clothed ass onto his own clothed crotch. You were moving away from his hips helplessly, unaware of the tentacle pushing your bra up to let your tits bounce free. Only when the cool air hit your bare chest, you became aware of what the tentacle was doing. Your nipples perked up and the slimy skin caressing your skin made you flinch, the feeling of one of its suckers on your nipple was enough to make you shriek in disgust.
Hirofumi chuckled, his hands on your hips slid up, feeling your curves before dragging you against his clothed cock. He couldn’t help but grab your hair to pull it as he grinded against your ass with a little too much force. You could feel him growing bigger, he had to be a twisted creep to get off to this.
“Stop… no more…” Begging, you turned your head to look at him. With the way he was pressing you down, you couldn’t meet his gaze, instead found your cheek being pressed flat against the tentacle. Ignoring your pleads, Hirofumi pulled himself back to yank your pants down hurriedly as the tentacle latched one of the suckers on your nipple, toying with the sensitive nub. You started to breathe hard as the realization of how vulnerable you actually were hit you hard. All you could do was to pathetically attempt to get away from Hirofumi to be assaulted by the tentacle instead.
Then the loud sound of his belt buckling made you jolt, the tears and begging for him to stop came right after. You would do anything for him to stop. However your cries were ineffective, they didn’t stop him from pulling down your panties and drinking up the sight of your naked lower half. They only seemed to spur him on even more.
“Stop…” you whimpered and struggled. Tears started streaming down your face as a choked sob left your lips. He smiled against the skin on your shoulder in response while lining himself on your entrance. Twisting your arm behind your back to keep you still, he put his entire weight behind his hips to surge them forward and buried the entire length of his cock in your cunt.
Wincing, you gasped. Hirofumi took it as a signal to move. You were awfully wet, each time he pulled back himself to slam his hips forward, the squelching sounds of your pussy filled the silence of the forest. If that wasn't gross enough, your cheek was being grazed against the slimy skin of the tentacle, its fishy stench started to overwhelm you, making you gag.
“Ahh, you like this don’t you?” He tentatively pulled his hips back to abruptly slam them into your pussy.
“No…” You bit back a moan, closing your eyes and begging for all of it to stop internally.
“You’re getting off to this, you’re sopping wet.” Hirofumi mounted you completely, you could feel his entire weight settle on your back. “Be a good girl for me, will you? Be honest, it’s just the two of us here.”
You grumbled in response.
“Makima isn’t listening.” He nosed some hair out of his way to whisper in your ear. “Only I will hear your confessions. You can tell me anything, trust me.”
“Go to hell,” you hissed. If he was going to kill you, so be it! You weren’t going to give him the pleasure of humiliating you. All you had left was your pride and you were planning to keep it until the very end.
He slammed his hips forward, hitting your sweet spot on the first try. His firm thrust was all it took for you to silently scream, with the air in your lungs completely gone from the impact, you were clenching around his cock. You opened your mouth to take in some air but the tentacle wrapped around your neck, squeezing tightly around you to prevent you from breathing. The tip of the tentacle forced its way into your mouth and swirled around your tongue before diving deeper down into your throat. Hirofumi placed his hand on the tentacle, tapping twice for it to loosen around your neck. The tentacle left your mouth with a disgusting pop sound. Then he replaced the tentacle with his own hand, shoving his fingers into your mouth and grabbing you from the inside of your cheek.
Now, when he thrust forward and picked up his pace, you couldn’t bite back your moans. To your utter horror, it worked. Every thrust of his hips left you moaning, gasping for air. His merciless, rough thrusts remarkably sped up, especially in comparison to before. He was humping you like a rabid dog now and he responded to your surprised moan with a long, pleased hum.
Your drool started to spill out from your mouth and down to your chin since you didn’t have the luxury to swallow the saliva with three long digits prying your mouth open. You moaned audibly and threw your head back when his cock stroked a specific spot along your insides, Hirofumi took this opportunity to bite into your nape hard enough to draw blood, on a second note, you started to think he could be an actually rabid dog.
A scream left your lips, more out of pleasure than pain.
Hirofumi’s teeth sank deeper into your flesh as he felt your gummy walls pulsate around his cock, clenching and begging to be filled with his seed. He gave a muffled chuckle against your flesh, chewing on the raw skin. Although you weren’t honest in the slightest, your body was.
The tentacle’s tip went between your legs and the sucker latched onto your clit, catching you by surprise and making your entire body shake in pleasure.
How cute.
With a delighted smile, Hirofumi stopped biting your nape. He licked your blood off of your skin all the while he was fucking you frenziedly, thrusting in and out your pussy with sloppily wet sounds that started to make your knees unbuckle. Swallowing down your pride, you gave in to the pleasure so you could move your hips and arch your back to meet his frantic thrusts. At the same time, the tentacle toyed with the sensitive nub. It all made your legs trembled under you as your moans got louder than before.
Hirofumi's pace suddenly slackened when his cock throbbed upon your walls clamping on him. Taking his hand from your mouth, he placed it on your shoulder to grab you. He pulled his hips back and abruptly slammed forward, punching the air out of your lungs one last time as you felt the slight twitch of his balls on your skin before a pleasing warmth filled your belly.
The tentacle moved in tight circles around your clit and you clenched around Hirofumi’s cock for the last time, milking more of his seed using your pulsating walls inside of your cunt. Even after the tentacle left you alone, Hirofumi continued fucking his cum into your pussy, gross squelching sounds from his seed gushing out from your abused hole had become a white noise to you at this point. By the time he pulled out of you and let you go, your legs gave up from under you. Before you could crash on the dirty mud, the tentacle caught you, holding you up in a gentle grip.
Hirofumi was tucking himself into his pants while you watched him in exhaustion. He noticed your stare and gave you the same unsettling smile. “I think you’d be a great devil hunter if you were partnered up with me. Makima would agree if I said so. Won’t you agree too?”
You couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore but you managed to blink slowly in response, mouthing a ‘yes’ in defeat.
Hirofumi’s eerie smile grew wider, his eyes squinted from his cheeks puffing up. “I look forward to working with you in the future.”
The depths of the ocean had many things hidden at the bottom where sunlight never reached. Fish still yet to be discovered, monsters and devils.
Swimming in the ocean was something you could never do since the thought of never knowing what might be hiding underneath the dark waters was horrifying.
However, the terrifying creatures of the ocean could never get you as long as you stayed on the land.  
Right?
~~~
Hitchhiking wasn’t as dangerous as you had anticipated. When you told your close friends that you would be making your way out of the city by hitchhiking, they warned you about the dangers of getting in the car with someone who might want to hurt you. No matter how much you tried to explain to them how you had to lay low and stay away from any public transportations to not get caught, they didn’t listen.
However you hadn’t listened to them either, that was why you were sitting on your luggage near the roadside. You were only a couple of towns away from the city but you still had a long way to travel.
It had taken you more than a dozen rides to get to here from where you had started. Normally it would take two hours by car to travel here but it took you eight hours to get where you were now.
It was getting late, your last ride had promised to drop you off next to a place you could stay the night but the man was too creepy to look at and you felt uneasy to be stuck in the truck with him.
Naturally, you had insisted that he dropped you off on the first roadside diner.
You regretted it now. It was the middle of the night, you didn’t have any place to stay and the roadside diner you had been planning to eat was out of your budget.
Either you had to get a ride now to save money to travel to a cheaper roadside diner or go out of your budget and stay the night here feasting on food… The latter option was the worst. Saving money was more important.
You knew how to attract a ride anyway. Smile in a friendly way, hold up your ‘going to the countryside!’ sign, and hope for the best. You wouldn’t wait any longer than between ten to fifteen minutes before hitching a ride but it was almost impossible to get a ride at night.
There was no way that someone would drive you to the next town or somewhere you could sleep. Everyone was on the edge because of the devil attacks that had started happening more frequently.
No. Don’t think about devils. Not now. Not ever.
With a long sigh, you redirected the light from your flashlight onto the map. You could wait until the morning or start walking on the side of the road until you came across a gas station; however, it all felt like a waste of time and effort. This side of the city didn’t have anything but trees on the roadsides. It could be dangerous to walk close to the forest at night too, you had heard the devils who lived in nature would come out at night.
The sound of your stomach grumbling brought you out of your frantic thoughts.
You were starving, the last thing you ate was a granola bar in the morning. It had been quite a while since you had last eaten but if you went over your budget, you might not be able to make it to your destination.
“Where are you headed?”
Startled, you turned your head to the man who was talking to you. He looked around your age, he had black hair and a rather creepy smile tugging at his lips.
“Um, the countryside.”
“Oh, you’re all alone?” he asked.
You nodded to confirm. Then internally yelled at yourself for telling him that you were alone. He could be someone dangerous.
“I’m headed to the countryside too, want me to give you a ride?” He gestured towards a black car parked in front of the diner.
You would have taken his offer if it weren’t for the sinister smile on his face.
“Thank you but I wouldn’t want to be a burden.” You averted your gaze from him and shone the light back on the map.
“It’s dangerous to be out this late at night.” He put his hands in his pockets, shrugging slightly. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing I didn’t take you to safety.” He gestured towards the parked car behind him once again. “I'll give you a ride, free of charge.”
He had cornered you, there was no reason for you to refuse his offer. You were still conflicted though, you would have turned him down if it wasn’t this late in the night. He didn’t look like the type of person to take no for an answer either. You couldn’t say no to his generous offer but you kept hesitating. If you were to find the perfect excuse maybe he would leave. However, you didn’t have any excuses.
Ugh!
Why were you even hesitating? You needed a ride and here was this guy, offering to take you away from the doomed city. You hit the jackpot!
“A-are you sure?”
“Come on, I was about to leave.”
“Ah, I can’t thank you enough.” Gathering the stuff you had with you and putting away the flashlight, you forced yourself to smile at him. “You saved me from waiting who knows how long for another ride.”
He didn’t say anything as he led the way towards his car. Opening the baggage, he let you put your luggage in the back and closed it. As you were walking around the car to open the door and sit on the back seat, the guy spoke before he hopped on the driver seat himself.
“I have stuff in the back, sit on the front.”
You stared inside through the window to see two large black bags on the backseats. Reluctantly, you reached to open the front door and climbed inside the car.
“So, where are you exactly headed?” He asked as he put on his seatbelt.
His question brought you out of your frantic thoughts. “Somewhere remote.”
“Hmm, so no specific destination? Don’t you have a family member who’s waiting for you? Where are you going to stay?”
You didn’t have anywhere to stay. At least not yet. Your plan was to find a motel and stay somewhere remote until people forgot about you.
Most importantly, it didn’t feel like he was asking these questions to start a conversation. You changed your mind, wanting to get out of the car.
You turned your head to tell him that but his unsettling stare left you speechless.
He asked a more particular question. “Do you have a specific address you want me to drop you off to?”
“I-in front of the first cheap motel we come across would be perfect.” You clutched on your small shoulder bag. You felt nervous when people stared at you for too long.
He hummed in acknowledgment as the car rolled forward.
“You seem to have a lot of luggage. Moving somewhere?” he spoke again, taking a turn and getting on the highway.
Your head jerked up, looking at him. “Um, uh.” You were hesitant to lie. “I’m just backpacking around the country.”
“Wouldn’t it be cheaper to bike instead of hitchhiking?” He wasn’t even facing you but you could tell he was smirking at your utter stupidity. “Or rather do it with a group?”
Although your throat felt dry, you didn’t dare to swallow. “Probably but I wanted to have a little adventure for myself, alone.”
“Don’t backpackers usually have a backpack and not a luggage?”
“I just have too many things I need with me.” Ahh, you were so bad at lying. Stop fidgeting with your fingers and looking around like that. He will notice. Just… change the subject. “A-anyway, I don’t think we introduced ourselves. I’m (name), what’s your name?”
“Hirofumi.” He grabbed the gear shift, changing it to a higher level and speeding up. You sank deeper into your seat and started to panic. Only then you realized you hadn’t put on your own seatbelt. While you were hurriedly trying to put it on, Hirofumi pressed on the cigarette lighter button. You hoped he wasn’t going to smoke inside the car but failed to notice how there weren't any cigarette tar stains on the interior of the car.
He took a sharp turn, you grunted but managed to put your seatbelt on. As you sat back in your seat, the first thing you noticed was that he was driving down towards a road leading towards the forest.
“Um, I think you took a wrong turn,” you said, bringing it up to his attention.
“It’s a shortcut.” He kept his eyes on the road that was only being illuminated by the headlights, everything else was dark, you had no idea what kind of shortcut he was taking.
There was this feeling of being in the middle of the ocean. You could feel something sinister was lingering in the deep dark water underneath you. Something was about to emerge and grab you by your ankle, pull you down, and drown you.
You knew how to swim.
However, could you swim if whatever thing was pulling you down turned out to be a lot stronger and scarier than anything you had ever faced?
Could you struggle when you were this weak?
Could you fight when you had nothing to fight with?
Without your weapons.
Without your badge.
Without your devil.
“You know, hitchhiking was a great idea,” he said, his fingers drumming on the steering wheel as he continued smiling. “It was a smart option but for someone as dumb as you, there was a way to ruin it. You went and told all of your dumb friends about your plan.”
You stared at him for some sort of explanation but you didn’t need any. Yet you still asked him, whimpering, “W-what are you talking about?” Your bottom lip had started trembling.
He knew.
“For a devil hunter, your sense of danger is too low.”
A tremendous wave of panic washed over you when he sped up.
“Who are you?” Did you even need to ask? He was one of those private hunters. Makima had most likely sent him after you.
Despite being a devil hunter from the city, you were now weak. You had resigned from your work without notice and broke the deal with your devil. Although it had been an impending decision rather than a sudden one, you had left your work abruptly.
After watching so many people die and losing who you had thought would be your friends for a long time, the bitter truth of being a devil hunter had resurfaced.
Devil hunters were destined to die on the job, sooner or later.
The money you earned from being a devil hunter could let you live in comfort materialistically until the day you died but having to suffer from nightmares every single time you put your head on the pillow or closed your eyes could never be comforting. It wasn’t worth it.
You didn’t want to lose more people or see any more grotesque devils murdering civilians but once you started working under Makima’s orders, leaving wasn’t that easy.
That’s why you were on the run.
Even though you had sworn to protect the people of your country, you were running away from the job that gave you a purpose to your insignificant life like a coward.
How childish.
The cigarette lighter popped off with a soft click sound, bringing you out of your hectic thoughts.
He was taking you back… He was going to hand you over to Makima. You were going to work until you died.
“You should’ve gone up north, going south was predictable. Well, at least if you hadn’t told your friends about the hitchhiking part, maybe you’d go under everyone’s radar. However you’re a chatty one, aren’t you? Some ‘friendship comes before work’ type of person, huh? That would explain a lot-”
Hirofumi’s words didn’t reach you anymore. The color drained from your face and your ears started ringing. Your whole body started to shake, and tears started streaming down your cheeks. “Please,” you sobbed, your voice came out shaky, pathetic. “Please don’t do this. I did nothing. I’m just tired of all of the deaths and I can’t handle it any-”
“You can’t talk your way out of this,” Hirofumi said as he took another sharp turn, driving deeper into the forest.
You found yourself stuttering, ”Y-you don’t understand.” You looked at Hirofumi with tears in your eyes. “I’ll be killed.”
“What are you so unhappy with?” Hirofumi spoke again but he wasn’t even facing you. “It’s not like you were living contentedly up until now, were you? In that case, it makes no difference where you live or what you do for a living. Or if you’re killed or not.”
Your face found a new shade of pale. He wouldn’t understand. He was one of those crazy devil hunters who had shut their humanity off.
“You only had to kill demons for a bit and you got rice every day. It might as well be heaven but I guess you weren’t a real hunter.” His smile grew wider as he was watching the trees creep towards him slowly before zooming past the window. “You can die in peace now.”
You got quiet but your tears didn’t stop.
With a vicious smile on his lips, Hirofumi turned away to face you. “You know, a pro devil hunter wouldn’t cry.”
Everything was spinning, it made you believe that your head felt fuzzy. It didn’t even occur to you that he was driving at a normal speed now. Almost immediately you tried to think of an escape plan. Could you manage to run away if you were taken to the headquarters? There was no way you could and that was why you had to fight with everything you had to refuse to go with him. You looked out of the window, the forest could be a great way to lose him. The trees and the darkness could cover you, giving you the advantage to sneak away without having to face this guy in a battle. What was your next move going to be?
You didn’t know but you had to get away.
You stared at the door lock, it was locked but you could lift it even without him noticing. The speed was still accelerating but if you managed to jump out of the car you would have a head start by running. The car wouldn’t stop until his shock wore off and that would give you the great advantage of looking for a place to hide.
There weren’t many people or devils out in the forest at this time of the night. Hopefully. It would be easy for you to run without being seen by another person who could tell him where you went.
What if a devil attacked-
Getting overwhelmed, you took a sharp breath and exhaled loudly. You had to calm down. You didn’t have much time to think over the plan, you just had to do it. If you waited for too long you were going to lose this chance of getting away.
Hesitantly, you glanced at Hirofumi. To your luck, he was only focused on driving.
Cone on. Come on. Come on.
Your heart was pounding, a single cold sweat droplet trickled down from the burning skin of your temple to your cheek as you carefully and suddenly unlocked the door. But you forgot about the most important thing. Your seatbelt. Your biggest mistake was forgetting to unbuckle your seatbelt. As you had twisted your body to jump out of the car, you had found yourself stuck, slammed back into your seat from the force of the seatbelt itself.
Hirofumi stared at you as if it wasn’t a big deal that you opened the door of the moving vehicle or how you were trying to escape. He lifted his right hand up while he crossed his middle and index fingers, “Octopus.”
Your blood ran cold as a giant tentacle emerged outside of the car from a dark cloud and slammed the door closed. You were frozen in your seat as if your muscles had dried up and turned to stone.
What was that?
No, you didn’t want to know.
The car decelerated until it slowly rolled to a stop.
You didn’t dare to look at Hirofumi but you knew he was smiling at you. You knew he had that sinister smile plastered on his face, glowering at you with his big dark eyes.
“Ink.”
He turned off the engine, the headlights flickered off and it became pitch black. Darker than black. It all swallowed you whole. It was as if light didn't exist, the only thing you could see was the dangerous glint in his eyes.
Hirofumi calmly plucked off the burning hot cigarette lighter and held his hand out towards you but you couldn't see. “Ms. Makima told me to bring you to the headquarters,” he said, pausing momentarily as you were trembling in fear, unable to move a muscle. “Dead or alive. I get paid either way.”
You gulped audibly. This was it, wasn’t it? The end.
There was another long pause before he sighed and pressed the cigarette lighter on your thigh. “Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you.”
The sharp pain made your eyes widen and your mouth popped open in pain. You could run away, you just had to unbuckle the seatbelt and bolt out of the car.
However, as soon as your hand went to the buckle to pop the latch plate out, he firmly pressed the metal lighter on the back of your hand.
Yowling in agony, you refused to retrieve your hand and instead unbuckled your seatbelt. Without giving him another chance to attack, you opened the door.
As soon as you fell on the mud, you took a couple of wobbly steps before finally gaining your strength and used the ground as a springboard to start running without looking back. Things weren't as dark now, you could see well but you still were confused about things. Without actually having a clear idea of your whereabouts you kept running deeper into the forest but you couldn’t run in a straight line, you had to confuse him with which way you were running. Abruptly, you stopped to look around to see where you could run. The sudden movements made you lose your balance, stumble and fall down. You scraped your knees. Without checking your injuries, you got up to make a sudden bolt to your right.
Your own heavy footsteps were echoing each time your foot made contact with the wet mud. Or... no. Those weren't echoes of your own footsteps they were more like- They belonged to someone else-
“You’re running too slow.” A scoff.
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw him running next to you. He wasn’t out of breath like you were but he lifted his hand towards you, pointing his forefinger at your face before crossing his middle finger over the other digit.
He was going to call out his devil again.
With a sob, you made a move to change your direction but it was too late.
“Octopus.”
Black smoke appeared behind him. From the dark mist, a tentacle emerged, abruptly grabbing you by the waist, you flailed violently as soon as your body crashed onto the tentacle. It lifted you up, punching the air out of your lungs from the force of its grip around your body. You started hitting the tentacle’s slimy skin, crying and yelling at the same time. “Let me go, let go!”
Hirofumi pressed his hand on the tentacle and walked towards you while dragging his hand on it. “You’re more fun than I thought.”
As he was getting closer, you struggled within the tentacle’s hold by kicking helplessly at the air. “Get away from me!”
He stopped in front of you and looked up at you with that same disturbing smile before tapping on the tentacle twice. “I took a liking to you.” The tentacle lowered you down until Hirofumi tapped on it again to stop. “You’re quite interesting.”
The tentacle tightened its grip around you and forced your arms to be pressed against your chest. You were getting crushed, you kept trying to inhale but no air was going inside your lungs.
“However it still would be less of a hassle for me to take your corpse to Ms. Makima. You’re just too annoying.”
Fear came rushing back, the bitter reality of how insignificant your life was a harsh truth to accept. Hirofumi could kill you without batting an eye, he would be fine with taking your life because at the end of the day he was going to get paid for doing his job.
You opened your mouth to beg for his mercy but nothing would come out. Your face was turning blue from lack of air instead.
Hirofumi said something you couldn’t hear. Instantly the tentacle’s hold loosened around you. With the pressure gone,  you greedily inhaled air, filling up your lungs and coughing.
“I’ll make it quick,” he said, this time frowning instead of smiling. “What a shame though, I thought we’d be able to work together in the future.”
“W-wait!” you coughed, trying to catch your breath to talk to him. “No, no, no! Please, I’ll do anything. Please,  I won’t try to run again, I’ll sit patiently and- and-”
He was very quiet, almost silent, but resolute. The blood in your face drained away when you heard his cold and terrifying tone asking you a question with three simple words, “You’ll do anything?”
Your eyes widened as you tried to process the meaning behind his words, you could feel your blood being pumped through your veins but something was wrong, there was a heavy feeling of something crawling under your skin.
“I’ll do anything.”
That sinister smile returned to his face.
The tentacle lowered you, now, your feet could touch the solid ground.
“I want you to prove me wrong,” he said, stretching his arms above his head.
“Huh?” The tentacle unwrapped around you but remained at the back while you stared at the guy in front of you in confusion. “Prove what?”
He positioned himself in a fighting pose. “Prove that you’re a devil hunter worth keeping alive. Let’s duke it out.”
He had to be kidding. You were nothing without a weapon or your devil. It was unfair to you and-
Hirofumi landed a sudden kick on your stomach, doubling in pain, you took a couple of wobbly steps back.
When you glanced up at him, you saw him jumping in his place as if he was only warming up. He was taunting you, don’t fall for it.
Yet you knew he wasn’t kidding about you proving him that you were a good hunter. He had made it clear. So you had no choice but to take him down if you wanted to live.
You aimed a kick towards him but he caught you mid-air by your ankle. Whimpering, you tried pulling your leg back to no avail. The panic of the situation started to settle in as he got closer to you. “That’s cute, you didn’t even put any strength behind your kick.” He tucked your leg around his waist, closing the distance between the two of you. His face had gotten awfully close, his hot breath ghosted over your face. For the first time tonight, you looked at his eyes directly, his pupils were dilated to the point of being completely black. You could see your own terrified expression being reflected back to you in them. To put it simply, you were at his mercy once again, balanced only on a single leg with no way of escaping his hold.
“You lose,” he grinned. “You really aren’t cut out to be a devil hunter.”
“Please,” you began but he interrupted you, his other hand pressing on the small of your back and sliding down your curves to squeeze a generous amount of the supple flesh of your ass. Your breath hitched, the uneasy feeling of being powerless against a higher rank like him made your stomach churn in fear.
“Let’s have some fun before you die.” You could hear the smile in his voice.
With that, the tentacle returned, abruptly going under your shirt, pulling it up and over your head. You didn’t even get the time to react as Hirofumi let your leg down to shove you forward against the tentacle. Gasping, you planted your hands against the tentacle in a pathetic attempt to push yourself up but it was now impossible with his weight pressing you down. His hands were holding your hips in a death grip and rubbing your clothed ass onto his own clothed crotch. You were moving away from his hips helplessly, unaware of the tentacle pushing your bra up to let your tits bounce free. Only when the cool air hit your bare chest, you became aware of what the tentacle was doing. Your nipples perked up and the slimy skin caressing your skin made you flinch, the feeling of one of its suckers on your nipple was enough to make you shriek in disgust.
Hirofumi chuckled, his hands on your hips slid up, feeling your curves before dragging you against his clothed cock. He couldn’t help but grab your hair to pull it as he grinded against your ass with a little too much force. You could feel him growing bigger, he had to be a twisted creep to get off to this.
“Stop… no more…” Begging, you turned your head to look at him. With the way he was pressing you down, you couldn’t meet his gaze, instead found your cheek being pressed flat against the tentacle. Ignoring your pleads, Hirofumi pulled himself back to yank your pants down hurriedly as the tentacle latched one of the suckers on your nipple, toying with the sensitive nub. You started to breathe hard as the realization of how vulnerable you actually were hit you hard. All you could do was to pathetically attempt to get away from Hirofumi to be assaulted by the tentacle instead.
Then the loud sound of his belt buckling made you jolt, the tears and begging for him to stop came right after. You would do anything for him to stop. However your cries were ineffective, they didn’t stop him from pulling down your panties and drinking up the sight of your naked lower half. They only seemed to spur him on even more.
“Stop…” you whimpered and struggled. Tears started streaming down your face as a choked sob left your lips. He smiled against the skin on your shoulder in response while lining himself on your entrance. Twisting your arm behind your back to keep you still, he put his entire weight behind his hips to surge them forward and buried the entire length of his cock in your cunt.
Wincing, you gasped. Hirofumi took it as a signal to move. You were awfully wet, each time he pulled back himself to slam his hips forward, the squelching sounds of your pussy filled the silence of the forest. If that wasn't gross enough, your cheek was being grazed against the slimy skin of the tentacle, its fishy stench started to overwhelm you, making you gag.
“Ahh, you like this don’t you?” He tentatively pulled his hips back to abruptly slam them into your pussy.
“No…” You bit back a moan, closing your eyes and begging for all of it to stop internally.
“You’re getting off to this, you’re sopping wet.” Hirofumi mounted you completely, you could feel his entire weight settle on your back. “Be a good girl for me, will you? Be honest, it’s just the two of us here.”
You grumbled in response.
“Makima isn’t listening.” He nosed some hair out of his way to whisper in your ear. “Only I will hear your confessions. You can tell me anything, trust me.”
“Go to hell,” you hissed. If he was going to kill you, so be it! You weren’t going to give him the pleasure of humiliating you. All you had left was your pride and you were planning to keep it until the very end.
He slammed his hips forward, hitting your sweet spot on the first try. His firm thrust was all it took for you to silently scream, with the air in your lungs completely gone from the impact, you were clenching around his cock. You opened your mouth to take in some air but the tentacle wrapped around your neck, squeezing tightly around you to prevent you from breathing. The tip of the tentacle forced its way into your mouth and swirled around your tongue before diving deeper down into your throat. Hirofumi placed his hand on the tentacle, tapping twice for it to loosen around your neck. The tentacle left your mouth with a disgusting pop sound. Then he replaced the tentacle with his own hand, shoving his fingers into your mouth and grabbing you from the inside of your cheek.
Now, when he thrust forward and picked up his pace, you couldn’t bite back your moans. To your utter horror, it worked. Every thrust of his hips left you moaning, gasping for air. His merciless, rough thrusts remarkably sped up, especially in comparison to before. He was humping you like a rabid dog now and he responded to your surprised moan with a long, pleased hum.
Your drool started to spill out from your mouth and down to your chin since you didn’t have the luxury to swallow the saliva with three long digits prying your mouth open. You moaned audibly and threw your head back when his cock stroked a specific spot along your insides, Hirofumi took this opportunity to bite into your nape hard enough to draw blood, on a second note, you started to think he could be an actually rabid dog.
A scream left your lips, more out of pleasure than pain.
Hirofumi’s teeth sank deeper into your flesh as he felt your gummy walls pulsate around his cock, clenching and begging to be filled with his seed. He gave a muffled chuckle against your flesh, chewing on the raw skin. Although you weren’t honest in the slightest, your body was.
The tentacle’s tip went between your legs and the sucker latched onto your clit, catching you by surprise and making your entire body shake in pleasure.
How cute.
With a delighted smile, Hirofumi stopped biting your nape. He licked your blood off of your skin all the while he was fucking you frenziedly, thrusting in and out your pussy with sloppily wet sounds that started to make your knees unbuckle. Swallowing down your pride, you gave in to the pleasure so you could move your hips and arch your back to meet his frantic thrusts. At the same time, the tentacle toyed with the sensitive nub. It all made your legs trembled under you as your moans got louder than before.
Hirofumi's pace suddenly slackened when his cock throbbed upon your walls clamping on him. Taking his hand from your mouth, he placed it on your shoulder to grab you. He pulled his hips back and abruptly slammed forward, punching the air out of your lungs one last time as you felt the slight twitch of his balls on your skin before a pleasing warmth filled your belly.
The tentacle moved in tight circles around your clit and you clenched around Hirofumi’s cock for the last time, milking more of his seed using your pulsating walls inside of your cunt. Even after the tentacle left you alone, Hirofumi continued fucking his cum into your pussy, gross squelching sounds from his seed gushing out from your abused hole had become a white noise to you at this point. By the time he pulled out of you and let you go, your legs gave up from under you. Before you could crash on the dirty mud, the tentacle caught you, holding you up in a gentle grip.
Hirofumi was tucking himself into his pants while you watched him in exhaustion. He noticed your stare and gave you the same unsettling smile. “I think you’d be a great devil hunter if you were partnered up with me. Makima would agree if I said so. Won’t you agree too?”
You couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore but you managed to blink slowly in response, mouthing a ‘yes’ in defeat.
Hirofumi’s eerie smile grew wider, his eyes squinted from his cheeks puffing up. “I look forward to working with you in the future.”
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mikauzoran · 3 years
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Lukadrien: Zebras Can’t Change Their Stripes: Chapter Two
Read it on AO3: Zebras Can’t Change Their Stripes: Chapter Two
Luka looked different.
Not exactly in a bad way. Sure, his appearance was a little disheveled, and he didn’t look like he’d been sleeping or eating well lately, but Josie had said that he was going through a breakup, so that made sense. He didn’t look like he was a perpetual wreck…just that he was having a hard time at the moment.
He was slightly more muscular than Adrien remembered and maybe a little taller too. His hair was jet black now and kind of long on top with an undercut just in back. He had more ear piercings, and Adrien was sure he’d probably picked up another tattoo or two in the past four years.
The eyes were the same cool, relaxing blue, though, and his face was relatively unchanged save for a few lines here and there that either hadn’t existed or hadn’t been as noticeable before.
Adrien would recognize Luka’s face anywhere, though. You didn’t just forget the face of the person who made you rethink your sexuality.
“Luka?” he whispered, fear and dread and excitement lighting up every nerve in his body.
He was screwed. Luka knew who he was. Luka could tell the rest of the band before Adrien was ready.
He’d just had an epiphany about fixing his life and reconnecting with old friends and reaching out for help, but he wasn’t actually prepared to do anything about those things yet. This was too soon. He couldn’t—
“—Whoa there,” Luka interrupted Adrien’s runaway train of thought, holding up his hands in a placating gesture. “I come in peace, I swear. I didn’t want to make a scene back there because I figured, if you were using a pseudonym, you wouldn’t want me to out you, but I wanted to talk to you.”
Adrien’s shoulders started to hunch up defensively, expecting the worst.
His father had hurt Luka and Luka’s family, and while it had never occurred to Adrien that Luka might take out his grievances on Adrien, it certainly wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. Adrien had seen perfectly nice people turn into ogres as soon as they found out Adrien’s true identity.
“How are you doing?” Luka asked, voice overflowing with concern as he took in Adrien’s appearance at close range, scrutinizing.
Adrien blinked in surprise because that was one of the last things he had expected to come out of Luka’s mouth.
“I’m…okay,” he answered disjointedly, still trying to get his thoughts together. “Why are you asking me that?”
Now it was Luka’s turn to blink at Adrien incredulously.
“I mean…I haven’t seen you in four years, and I’ve been worried sick,” he scoffed, hand going to his hip. “Adrien, you disappeared on us. No one got to talk to you and make sure you were okay before you left for London. You didn’t reply to any of our texts or emails. You didn’t pick up your phone, and then we found out from your cousin that you’d run away and no one knew where you were.”
Adrien averted his gaze, staring down at the sidewalk. He’d always felt guilty for disappearing like that, but…he just couldn’t deal with anyone at that point. Only now was he beginning to feel like he might be ready, but he still wasn’t completely sure.
“Of course I want to know how you’re doing,” Luka continued in exasperation. “I’ve spent the past four years scared that you were dead or-or worse. I care about you.”
Adrien’s eyes snapped back up to Luka’s to see the earnestness there.
It just about knocked him flat.
“You do?” he whispered, wanting to believe it.
“Oh my God, Adrien,” Luka hissed, stepping in and roughly pulling Adrien into a tight hug. “Yes. I love you. You’re a precious friend. A lot of people are worried sick and want to know you’re okay.”
“Oh,” Adrien breathed, letting himself sink into Luka’s arms. “I didn’t realize… I wasn’t thinking about…”
“It’s okay,” Luka whispered, giving Adrien’s hair a comforting nuzzle. “The important thing is that you’re safe. I’m just so glad that you’re safe.”
Tentatively, Adrien let his arms wrap around Luka, returning the hug.
The relief he experienced then was almost overwhelming. The warmth of another person, the protective shelter of Luka’s arms…it felt so good.
It had been so long since the last time Adrien had been able to relax his guard like that.
Luka pulled back with a warm, fond smile. “Want to get lunch together and catch up? Or did you have something else you needed to do?”
Adrien hesitated, thinking of his dwindling funds. He didn’t have money for food and lodgings.
He bit his lip. “I actually already ate before the audition, but I could just get a coffee or something. I’d like to talk.”
“Awesome,” Luka responded with a dazzling grin, feeling better than he had since The Breakup.
 “You’re sure you don’t want to get a pastry or something?” Luka arched an eyebrow when Adrien really did just order an expresso. “I seem to remember you having quite the sweet tooth.”
Adrien forced a smile.
In truth, he’d kill for a hot chocolate and a pain au chocolat or something. He’d even settle for a fresh croissant, but he had to budget if he wanted to make it to his first payday with the band.
“I’m good, really,” he insisted.
Luka easily shrugged the matter off, far more interested in getting Adrien’s story out of him. “So where have you been these past four years?”
Adrien fingered his waterglass nervously as he tried to decide what to share. “I’ve been around,” he informed vaguely. “After I left London, I headed to Marseille…Nice, Lyon…Strasbourg. I’ve just been travelling around, seeing the country.”
“Huh,” Luka hummed. “That sounds nice, actually. I’m glad you’re finally getting to travel. I know you didn’t get out much before.”
Adrien nodded, keeping his polite smile in place.
Part of him felt dishonest for purposely misleading Luka into thinking he’d just been off gallivanting, but he wasn’t quite ready yet to confess how destitute he was.
“I just needed some time on my own,” he explained. “I’m kind of…you know…finding myself, I guess?”
Luka nodded. “So how long are you back in Paris, do you think? Have you been back long?”
Adrien shook his head. “I just got into town two days ago. I’m hoping to stay long-term, but I don’t really know yet.”
“What do you do for work?” Luka inquired, gazing at Adrien with interest as he leaned his elbows on the table. “You were getting your degree in Business, weren’t you?”
Adrien looked away. “Uh…I do this and that. I move around a lot, so having a stable job for more than a few months hasn’t really been a thing. I…”
He chewed on his lip, debating. “…I actually didn’t get to finish school. I was right in the middle of my degree program when my father was arrested, and things just…” He shook his head. “My world got a little upended, and I never made it back to school.”
He couldn’t afford it. The Agreste fortune was gone, and the money that Gabriel had said he’d been putting in trust as payment for Adrien’s work as a model for the company had never existed. There had been no accounts in his name, only his father’s, and that all got sapped up with the rest of the assets.
“I’m sorry,” Luka responded with a worried frown. “Do you think that’s something you’ll do now that you’re planning on being in one place for a while?”
“I’d like to go back to school,” Adrien answered truthfully. “Maybe someday…. But tell me about you. How are you? How’s your family? What are you up to nowadays?” he asked in rapid-fire succession, anxious to get the focus off of himself.
More than that, though, he really wanted to know what Luka had been doing the past four years. He wanted to catch up with his friend and get back in the loop so that he could start feeling like a part of Luka’s life again.
Long ago, they’d been thick as thieves, and Adrien craved that kind of intimacy. He would love to be close to someone again.
He listened intently as Luka told him about the bands he’d been in, about picking up violin and piano, his reconciliation with his biological father.
“At first I was thinking I didn’t want anything to do with him out of principle,” Luka explained. “I mean, he didn’t bother acknowledging me for twenty-three years; why should I acknowledge him? But then I started thinking, ‘Well, why shouldn’t I take his money? Don’t Maman and Juleka and I deserve it? It’s not just for me. He owes us this’.”
Adrien nodded in agreement. “Absentee parents are the worst. It’s not like money is enough to make up for the gaping hole in your life where he was supposed to be, so I don’t see a problem with you taking as much as he’ll give you. You’re not sacrificing your principles; you’re just taking a small fraction of what he owes you.”
“Yeah, I felt better when I started thinking about it like that too,” Luka confessed. “…Though…I’ve actually been having dinner with him and his family occasionally.”
Adrien’s eyes widened. “Oh? And…how is that going?”
A sheepish smile started to stretch across Luka’s lips. “Pretty well? I mean, it’s really surreal, but…” He shrugged. “Penny is awesome. She’s been invaluable as far as giving advice for my own career and making introductions and stuff like that. Their kids are also really cute. I kind of love them.”
Luka pulled out his phone and quickly found a picture of his half-sisters. “Michelle and Eleanor.” He pointed to the five- and three-year-old girls with cappuccino skin and big, expressive brown eyes. “Named after the Beatles songs, of course.”
“Aww,” Adrien cooed. “They’re adorable.”
“He’s actually a really good dad to them,” Luka admitted, even though it pained him. “That helped me forgive him somewhat. It makes me think that, maybe, if he had known about me, maybe he would have been a good dad to me too.”
Adrien smiled sympathetically and nodded, handing back the phone. “I’ve only interacted with him a couple of times, but he doesn’t seem like a bad, malicious person. Careless and distractable maybe, but…not bad, so…maybe you’re right.”
“But we’ll never know,” Luka sighed, shrugging again as he put away his phone. “I guess all I can do is see what he does going forward. Maman and Juleka were always enough family for me. It sucked sometimes not having a dad in my life, but I never felt like I needed him to complete me or anything. I don’t need him now either, but…it’s nice to be able to reach out and talk to him if I feel like it. I like that it’s on my terms.”
“I’m really happy for you,” Adrien replied with a sincere smile.
His own life and relationship with his father were rubbish, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t happy for Luka. He wanted good things for Luka. Luka was a wonderful person, and he deserved happiness in his life.
“Thanks.” Luka returned the smile, thinking about how lucky he was to have things that Adrien never would. “Seriously. That really means a lot.”
Adrien shrugged and was about to say something when the food arrived, completely distracting him.
Catching sight of the ravenous look on Adrien’s face, Luka arched an eyebrow. “Are you sure you don’t want to order something?”
Adrien quickly snapped his poker face back into place. “No. I’m good. I just ate.”
He smiled innocently and took a sip of his espresso.
Adrien’s stomach let out a loud roar of protest.
Luka frowned.
Blushing, Adrien drained his water glass, hoping that giving his stomach something at least would make it shut up.
Luka pursed his lips. “…I think your stomach is ready to be fed again.”
“I’m really not hungry,” Adrien mumbled into his glass.
He could feel his ears starting to heat up in shame.
“…Are you sure? Because I don’t actually think I can eat all of this croque madame on my own,” Luka tried an alternative route, beginning to suspect the problem. “If you could split it with me so that it doesn’t go to waste, that would be awesome.”
Adrien looked up at Luka suspiciously. “You’re not going to eat all of it?”
Luka shook his head, pushing the plate across the table.
“Well, if you’re sure.” Adrien only hesitated a moment before taking half of the admittedly large sandwich.
It took an enormous amount of self-control not to scarf it down like a starving wolf because that was exactly what Adrien felt like.
Luka picked up his own half of the sandwich and chewed at it as he watched Adrien thoughtfully.
He waited until Adrien had finished to say anything. “…When was the last time you actually had a decent meal?”
Adrien blinked at Luka in surprised confusion. “I…I just ate earlier.”
Luka shook his head. “Adrien, you’re even thinner now than when you were a model. What’s going on? Why aren’t you eating?”
“I am eating,” Adrien argued fruitlessly, unwilling to drop pretenses and let Luka see what shambles his life was in.
Luka gave Adrien a look that told him that Luka could see right through him. “You’re a vegetarian. For the six years I knew you, whenever you had any say about what you ate, you always ate vegetarian because your mother traumatized you when you were little. Yes, you would eat chicken or pork or whatever if it was put in front of you, but you never enjoyed it, and you always picked at it. I just watched you inhale a ham sandwich like it was the most delicious thing you had had all month. Now, what’s going on?”
The hair rose on the back of Adrien’s neck, and his shoulders scrunched up to his ears.
Tears began to sting back behind his eyes as he realized he’d been tricked.
Still, he didn’t have it in him to admit defeat. He couldn’t stand to have Luka look down on him. That was why he’d never wanted to turn to anyone from his old life for help. He couldn’t bear for them to know how bad it really was and think less of him for it.
Everything else had been taken away from him; he couldn’t give up his dignity too.
“Nothing is going on,” he insisted, voice trembling.
Luka took a deep breath and reached across the table, resting his hand on top of Adrien’s. “Perfect Fifth?” he pleaded gently, using a nickname Adrien hadn’t heard in years and hadn’t realized until that moment how much he’d yearned for it.
“Talk to me. Please,” Luka entreated, eyes soft and inviting. “I’m really worried about you.”
The tears started to fall as Adrien’s resolve shattered completely. He couldn’t do this anymore. He needed help. He needed to feel safe. He needed Luka to wrap him up in another hug and make things feel okay again.
“I don’t have any money,” Adrien hiccupped. “Like…none.”
It started as a trickle, but once Adrien got going, the dam burst, and he found himself confessing everything: “Father never put money in an account for me like he said he would. After he was arrested, they froze all of our assets, and then everything got eaten up in the litigation. There’s nothing left. I couldn’t afford to pay for university, and my aunt was really resentful of me staying with her, and it hurt too much anyway because she and Maman are twins. Whenever she’d say passive-aggressive things with my mother’s face, it really messed with my head, so I stole some money from her and left, but it’s really hard to find a job where you don’t have to fill out paperwork, and no one wants to hire Adrien Agreste,” he lamented bitterly, “so I’ve been washing dishes and cleaning hotel rooms and working in laundry rooms and kitchens and-and I’ve thought about becoming a sex worker because then maybe I could earn some decent money and not have to eat out of dumpsters or sleep on the street ever again, but I’m asexual, and I just-I just can’t,” Adrien choked.
Luka sat there stunned for a moment, trying to process everything Adrien had said. He quickly decided that processing fully would have to wait until later because Adrien needed Luka to jump in and do something four years ago, so there really wasn’t time to spare.
“Shhh,” Luka cooed, taking both of Adrien’s hands in his and rubbing his thumbs back and forth against Adrien’s skin soothingly. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, so just take some deep breaths, all right?”
Adrien nodded slowly, making an effort to compose himself.
“Where are you staying right now?” Luka inquired pragmatically.
“A hostel,” Adrien replied. “In Pigalle. It’s just a couple blocks from the Moulin Rouge.”
“How long do you think you can afford to stay there and pay for meals?” Luka pressed.
Adrien looked away. “It’s one or the other. I can stay there one more night and get some snacks to tide me over the rest of the week, or I can eat regular meals and sleep rough.”
“Okay. No,” Luka decided. “You’re coming home with me.”
Adrien blinked at him. “Sorry…. What?”
“My apartment has an extra bedroom. I used to have a roommate, but she moved back to Nice to help out with her sick grandma five or six months ago, and she’s not coming back,” Luka quickly explained. “You’re coming to live with me until you’re back up on your feet and feel like getting your own place.”
Adrien pulled his hands back away from Luka, frowning and shaking his head. “I don’t want your pity.”
Luka clicked his tongue, taking one of Adrien’s hands back forcefully. “This isn’t pity. This is what friendship looks like…. I have a feeling it’s been a while since you’ve experienced it, so I’m reminding you of how it works. We’re friends; therefore, I care about what happens to you and want to make sure you’re okay. I have enough crap going on in my own life without having to worry about you sleeping in alleys and passing out from hunger. Do me a favour and make my life less stressful. Come live with me so I know for sure that you’re not lying dead in a gutter somewhere. These past four years have been really hard, Adrien.”
Adrien’s jaw went slack, and his mouth dropped open. “…You actually care about me, don’t you?”
Luka nodded, giving a tired smile. “Very much. So, what do you say?”
Adrien inhaled slowly, trying to piece together fragmented thoughts. “…If you really don’t mind. If I wouldn’t be in your way.”
“Adrien, you would be doing me a favour. I’m serious,” Luka insisted.
Adrien pursed his lips. “…Okay,” he finally agreed, still not certain this was a good idea but knowing that it would be better than continuing to try to go it on his own.
“Good.” Luka’s face brightened as he squeezed Adrien’s hand and then let go. “Thank you. Now, let me flag down a waiter and have him bring us another menu. I’m actually starving because I woke up at noon and haven’t eaten all day, and I have a feeling you could eat more too.”
Adrien frowned, not understanding. “But…I can’t afford…?”
Luka waved Adrien’s protests away. “Until further notice, your expenses are my concern. Order whatever you want.”
The furrows in Adrien’s brow deepened. “I couldn’t possibly—”
“—How long has it been since you had a hot chocolate? A crêpe with chocolate sauce and ice cream and whipped cream?” Luka tempted.
Adrien thought very hard for a moment, trying to decide if his principles and pride were worth more than the luxury of eating something just because it tasted good.
His stomach won out, and Adrien decided that maybe it would be okay to be kept by Luka. There were worse things in life.
“Okay,” Adrien agreed, making a big show of how reluctant he was to do so. “I think I see your point.”
Luka’s impish smirk turned affectionate. “Seriously. Get whatever you want, but don’t eat too much so that you make yourself sick. I’m not going to let you go hungry, okay? You’re always going to have food from now on. You’re safe.”
It had been a long time since Adrien had last felt safe. It was a huge relief to know that feeling again.
“Thanks,” he whispered weakly, tears threatening to overwhelm him yet again.
15 notes · View notes
axwalker · 4 years
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Tears in heaven (PROLOGUE)
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Synopsis: Alexis O’Brien is about to get married but memories of her old life are coming back to haunt her.
MASTERLIST
Warnings: This story will deal with very dark subjects such as death, severe depression and suicide attempt (among others) if you’re triggered by any of those issues, please do not read this story.
Song inspiration: Tears in heaven (Eric Clapton) 
I’m participating in  @emceesynonymroll​  Wacky Drabbles.
This week’s prompt is: “ We’ve gone through Plan A and Plan B, what’s next?
Word count: 1250 (I’m getting better!)
Disclaimer: All characters belong to PB
I’m tagging my whole list for this FIRST chapter if you want to be tagged in future chapters please let me know:
@mskaneko​ @pedudley​ @burnsoslow​ @drxkewalker​ @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​ @pug-bitch​ @lauzales​ @desireepow-1986​ @yukinagato2012​ @kingliam2019​ @drakewalker04​ @ac27dj​ @ravenpuff02​ @msjr0119​ @texaskitten30​ @i-bloody-love-drake-walker​ @loveellamae​ @nomadics-stuff​  @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria​
HUGE thanks @mskaneko​  who created ALL the edits in the center of the mood board. Love you
To my beta reader, @pedudley​    thank you for ALL your support, I LOVE you! 
Alexis took a deep breath before looking herself in the mirror. She was wearing a gorgeous long, laced white dress that had been made especially for her by the great Ana de Luca. She ignored the exact cost of the exclusive dress, but she knew it was extremely expensive.
An old memory started to creep into her mind. The memory of another white dress in another life, a life that seemed so far away now that she wondered if it all had been a beautiful dream or a terrible nightmare.
2010
“Guys, I’m getting married in less than a month! I need to find the perfect dress” She sighed looking around the retail store “Everything here is …generic”
“Well, Alexis you don’t have much choice. You thought the designer store I took you was too expensive, and you don’t like the retail store either” Olivia sighed annoyed “We’ve gone through Plan A and Plan B, what’s next?”
Max grinned “I know a little vintage shop just around the corner. They have great, original, cheap clothes”
Olivia couldn’t hide her disgust “Vintage?”
Alexis jumped into Maxwell’s arms “That’s just perfect Max!”
After walking a few minutes, they arrived at the store.
Alexis’s eyes wandered through the store “I hope I could find something that will leave him speechless”
“Please, Blossom, that guy is so lost for you, you could arrive in a jean shirt and he’d still be mesmerized”
Olivia arched her brow contemptuously “Well, that’s probably because that’s what he’ll be wearing himself”
Alexis warned her friend “That’s strike one, Liv. I don’t know why you hate him so much”
Olivia scoffed “He’s in last year of his Veterinarian degree but you’re about to start your second year, Alexis. Why do you want to get married right now? Do like everyone else, fuck him in every classroom of the university and move on” She squinted at her “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
Alexis rolled her eyes “First of all, you’re the only one that fucks in classrooms, Liv. And for the hundredth time, no I’m not pregnant. We’re just crazy about each other. I can’t even explain it” She sighed “he’s my whole world and I’m his”
Max talked while he looked through the racks “Well, I for one, think is inspiring, Lexie. I’ve never seen anyone more in love than the two of you”
Olivia nodded “Well, that’s true, you’re disgusting when you’re together”
Alexis shook her head amused. “Strike two, Liv” She turned to Max “Did you find something?
Max answered from the back of the store with his arms full of white dresses. “Only this, Blossom. Let’s the parade begin!”
After two hours trying different outfits, Alexis had chosen a long, white, bohemian dress, that would suit perfectly the simple wedding they were planning.  
Maxwell was almost jumping “You look gorgeous Blossom!”
Olivia nodded “The bastard won’t know what hit him”
Alexis looked herself in the mirror beaming, she had never felt so elated before in her life.
Maxwell saw the tears in his best friend’s eyes and took her by her shoulders “Is everything ok, Lexie?”
Alexis wiped the happy tears with the back of her hand “I was just thinking that I can’t wait to be his wife”
Drake entered the address Liam had given shaking his head, it was an exclusive, expensive store. He definitely couldn’t afford it. One day, Liam would understand that they didn’t belong to the same world.
“Drake, over here” Liam waved at him.
“Hi, Li. This store is way above my possibilities, man. I just need a suit”
“Come on, Drake. You only get married once, or at least that’s the plan” he teased.
Drake smiled thinking about her “There won’t be no one else, Liam. I’ve never been so sure about anything else before in my life”
Liam nodded “I know, Drake. That’s why I brought you here, plus, I’m the best man. The suit is on me. She deserves to have the best day possible”
“And she will if I don’t spend our whole budget in the damn suit. I appreciate your offer, but I can buy the suit myself. Let’s go to another store, one that I can actually afford”
They got into Drake’s jeep, and he started driving.
Liam watched his best friend, feeling almost jealous. Drake was going to marry the love of his life. Alexis. As usual, when his mind drifted to her, Liam tried to think about something else, he couldn’t allow himself to go there. “We have been friends all our lives, Drake. You can trust me, is money a problem? I could lend you some”
Drake shook his head. He had inherited his father’s house after he had passed and his internship at the veterinary clinic was a paid job. It was a small house and the internship didn’t pay much, but they would manage.
“It’s not that, Li. I’m just trying to be careful. Lexie is always exhausted from studying all day and working all night in that bar, so I’ll try to convince her to quit waitressing. I’m also saving to take her to that trip in South America she dreams about. We won’t be able to do It right away because of my internship, but maybe in the summer”  
Liam chuckled “I can’t get over the fact that the brooding, dark and cynic Drake Walker is so ‘in love’ that he’s planning a honeymoon. Who would’ve thought?”
Drake didn’t reply anything, but he was wearing such a mushy grin that Liam punched him playfully in the arm “You disgust me, man. Who are you and what did you do with my best friend?”
Drake shook his head “I don’t know what the fuck she did to me, Liam. I only know that I can’t wait to make her my wife”
Alexis spent her days trying to forget all about those days, the days with him. She was starting a new life in less than two months. And after all, she had been through, after all the heartbreak, all the pain, all those days in that horrible clinic, she deserved to be happy with a man that loved her. She deserved to forget everything about her old life and start all over again.
Maxwell entered the room and gasped “Oh my god, Blossom! You look gorgeous!”
“Thank you, Max. It was a great idea to hire Ana de Luca. The dress is beautiful” She gave him a small smile.
Five long years had passed since that dreadful day, but Maxwell still wasn’t used to the change in Alexis’s personality. The joyful, sunny girl he had met in college had disappeared and a guarded, broken woman had taken her place. However, Max knew his old Blossom was still there somewhere and he had made it his life’s mission to bring her back.
A few minutes later she had changed back into her clothes, and they walked to the exit.
“Thank you for coming to the fitting with me, Max. Are you sure you don’t want to join us for diner?”
“Sorry, Blossom, Rash is waiting in the house, I owe him a romantic night”
Alexis smiled “Oh, I wouldn’t want to interrupt that”
A flammant black Aston Martin pulled over in front of them.
“That’s your fiancé, Lexie” He kissed her in the cheek as he waved to the man inside of the car.
Alexis set herself in the passenger’s seat before turning her head and kissing her future husband “Hi, Liam”
“Hi, love”.
109 notes · View notes
thedeaditeslayer · 4 years
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Exclusive interview: Bruce Campbell is having a renaissance.
Here’s a highly recommended interview which discusses what Bruce Campbell has in store for fans in the future.
Bruce Campbell is experiencing a creative renaissance, of sorts. In a recent chat with the actor, he discussed a return to his horror roots, cutting a comedy album with Ted Raimi and so much more.
Bruce Campbell hasn’t been idle during his time in self-isolation. The actor has been experiencing a creative renaissance of sorts. So, we figured now would be a perfect time to reach out and get some of our burning questions answered.
With so much uncertainty in the entertainment industry at present, rumors are running rampant. We gave Campbell a chance to clear the air so to speak and address some of the myriad of questions that fans have regarding Mortal Kombat 11, the latest Evil Dead incarnation, Ripley’s and whether or not he will work with Sam Raimi in front of the camera again.
The actor also surprised us with some monumental news. He will be returning to his horror roots with the sequel to My Name Is Bruce as well as several other projects that he has on his docket including a comedy album with one of his closest friends.
Get comfy, grab your favorite beverage and let’s catch up with Bruce Campbell.
Mortal Kombat 11, Ripley’s and the State of the Industry
1428 Elm: Thanks for speaking with us, Bruce. It’s always a pleasure. We have so many things to discuss. Recently, a site came out and said that you were definitely going to be Ash in Mortal Kombat 11. It seemed like a done deal the way it was reported. Can you comment on that?
Bruce Campbell: I probably shouldn’t emphasize yes or no because I don’t know. I have not been told. If it is not through my agent or proper channels than it usually means its wishful thinking.
1428 Elm: Apparently, an email from Warner Brothers Interactive was sent to a well-known entertainment site and Ash as well as Army of Darkness was mentioned in it with the trademark from MGM.
BC: The reason why it may not happen, just so you and the readers can know this, a lot of time for legal purposes, that character cannot appear in other things because of the license. If you can’t make a deal, that character is not going to show up. So, we may have been talked to about it.
But I do know with MGM that handles the Army of Darkness licensing that they’re hasn’t been a discussion with them about it. They’re pretty touchy. We have to be careful of ownership.
I honestly don’t know. I think I would have heard something. It’s not like my agent books me without consulting with me.
Even if Mortal Kombat came to me and said they want to put me in it, you still have to make a deal. If my agent says, “Bruce Campbell wants a hundred billion dollars,” and then they say no, the deal is dead.
The answer is we don’t know. No point in beating around about that.
1428 Elm: You might not be able to discuss this but what’s going on with Ripley’s Believe It or Not!? Will there be a Season 2?
BC: We’re one and done. It’s not your father’s Travel Channel anymore. If I wanted to host a ghost hunting show, I’d be on the air right now.
Ripley’s was made for the older school Travel Channel like Drive-Ins and Dive Bars where you go to wacky places around the country. There is a big push for paranormal, mystery and science-fiction, Discovery type stuff. I think we just “out aged” ourselves.
1428 Elm: It would have been nice if the Science Channel would have picked it up.
BC: It’s all good. I remain philosophical about all shows that come and go. There are so many factors involved. You change executives and things change, companies get bought and sold and things change, ratings aren’t what you expected…
After this virus, we’re going to see what shape the motion picture industry is in. It’s going to be a wounded beast. Projects are going to go away.
You’re going to have fewer tentpole movies too. I am hopeful we’ll have a return to low budget filmmaking.
That’s what I hope comes out of it. Each studio will start a low budget division and spend the money wisely.
Number One on the Charts with a Bullet
BC (Cont.): In the meantime, what is nice, I’m finishing up a couple of projects. I’m hoping by the end of the year to put a book of essays out and a comedy album with Ted Raimi.
1428 Elm: A comedy album?
BC: Yeah, we finished it. I’m in post-production on it. I’m putting all the sound effects in now.
1428 Elm: That sounds great!
BC: Who knows? We’ve never done one before so we’re going to find out.
1428 Elm: So, you guys are harkening back to the 1960’s when comedians like Bob Newhart had hit albums?
BC: It’s our version of that. I used to listen to the top comedy albums during the 60’s and 70’s. I wouldn’t dare compare myself to any of the masters like Mel Brooks and the 2,000-Year-Old Man with Carl Reiner. We gave it a shot. I love audio and I like radio plays.
Bruce Campbell vs the Classic Monsters
1428 Elm: So, tell us what is going on with your political satire, House Divided. Are you still working on pitching that once everything gets back to business as usual?
BC: It will be on the sales block. It’s a harder sell. There’s no blood. It’s not a horror movie, it’s a political satire. Associating Bruce Campbell with political satire isn’t the first thing investors whip out their checkbooks for.
To combat that, I just finished writing a sequel to My Name Is Bruce. The idea is we want to take Bruce and have him go through each of the classic film monsters. The sequel is Bruce vs Frankenstein.
We’re done. I finished my draft and sent it to Mike Richardson, my partner at Dark Horse Comics. We’re actively looking for money on that one. It is the Expendables of Horror. I fully intend to load the cast with so many familiar horror faces. It should be a lot of fun.
It would be a cavalcade of genre stars, old, young, on TV now. We really want to cover the bases. A lot of people will be getting killed. Guest star kills. Basically, Bruce bumbles his way into being a hero.
1428 Elm: Will you have to go through Universal to get permission to use the classic monsters?
BC: Some stuff is public domain. I’m not a lawyer but we would figure out a way to do this.
I think the bolts on Frankenstein’s neck are trademarked, as well as certain looks. But you can make a Frankenstein. That story is under public domain.
It’s also a parody of a Frankenstein movie and that gives a lot of leeway legally as well. I don’t think you can say, “Wolfman,” but I think you can say Bruce vs the Werewolf. This is my version of the Bob Hope road movies.
Ted has two parts; I have two parts for Robert Englund and I have a couple of parts for Kane Hodder. If they’re a name, I am going to put them in it.
After we come out of the zombie apocalypse that we’re in and everyone gets back to work, that is what I will be actively pitching. There’s plenty going on. So, I have been self-isolating in a constructive way.
It’s an Evil Dead World
1428 Elm: We’re curious about the 1970’s period piece that you were working on when we talked to you last year. What happened with that?
BC: It’s currently on my action board. I will eventually get to it. I am going to finish my book of essays first and then I am going to get to that one.
The story is set in 1979. The idea behind it is what would have happened if us raising money for Evil Dead went horribly, horribly wrong. It becomes a horror movie in and of itself.
1428 Elm: How did this idea come to fruition?
BC: I was going through projects in my computer. People who have a lot of downtime do spring cleaning. Clean out your woodshed, toolshed when you have extra time. In this case, I went to the head of my projects folder.
This one popped up and it was just an outline that I had written 15 years ago. I thought, wait a minute, this is pretty well thought out.
In the 70’s, filmmaking was real, you didn’t have a lot of options. You had to get cameras from a certain place, you had to have insurance. There were a lot of steps that you had to take that made the process really difficult.
I remember making calls for money from payphones in blizzards and s*** like that. You had to leave messages, you’re getting busy signals, you’re not texting anyone. There are no computers, there’s no email, its old school. You sent things in the mail.
Today, filmmaking is not difficult. I can go to a store and buy a 4K camera. I can make a movie with $5,000 worth of equipment. Probably less.
1428 Elm: Well, you can do it on your phone too. Sam Raimi is on Quibi now with 50 States of Fright, which is entertainment tailored to your device. If his series continues once everything settles, do you think there’s a chance you might appear on the show?
BC: Never say never, that’s all verbally at this point. They have to succeed; they have to survive. Any new format, any new platform, I’m game and if Sam’s involved all the more reason.
1428 Elm: Have you ever thought of doing anything like Quibi?
BC: Not yet. I’m used to writing 90-page screenplays with a three-act format. I can adapt anything too.
I was thinking the other day, I have a few screenplays that might be tough sells but maybe I might convert them to a fricking novel and put them out as books. There’s lots to do. I’ve got plenty going on.
1428 Elm: Has the current situation affected the new Evil Dead? We remember that you talked about possibly going into production at the end of this year. Is that pushed back like everything else?
BC: No, not really. It was so early in the stages that we can keep going. I just read the first official draft today. So, then we’ll give notes and additional writing will take place.
Then you have to budget the thing so you know how much money you need to raise and then you have to get the money. Nothing will stop any of that.
You can make calls for money, you can send the script to people, you can do budgets. The only thing that will be affected will be the actual start date. Which we didn’t know anyway. We may end up not being delayed at all.
Many thanks to Bruce Campbell for chatting with us.
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fyrecrafted · 5 years
Text
Knitting (Tom x Reader Fic)
A few weeks ago you found out that you and Tom were expecting your first child. The excitement you both had could light up an entire city. You both planned on waiting until after your first trimester, the most dangerous and common time to miscarriage, to make this new public... but Tom is fucking adorable and spoiled the news in an unexpected way. 
Tom loved your passion for making things. He had, on more than one occasion, shown off socks you had made him during interviews. It had become a joke with a few of the late night shows whenever he came on.  The day you started to suspect that something was amiss he went to the store and got the test. You both paced back and forth as you waited for the results. Every few seconds he would go stare at it, then come back. When the phone timer finally beeped he flashed by into the bathroom and squealed in delight. He ran to you and spun you around giggling like a kid. It took you a few minutes to get over the shock, but soon you were as excited as he was.   
   He later came to you carrying all the reusable grocery bags you both owned and a mischievous grin on his face.  “C'mon babe! I have an idea!” You would rather nap, but his energy was contagious and motivated you enough to get up off the couch.  
    “Okay, but I need to change. Im still in my pajamas.” He walked around you, checking you out.  “You look amazing to me. I don't care if you want to wear this out, but if you want to change, I'll wait.” 
  “If I wear this, I'm wearing my kitty cat slippers with it... so at least it will match.”
  “Lovely idea.” 
  You got in the car and buckled up as he put the bags in the back seat and then got in to the driver's seat. Every few seconds he glanced over at you and beamed. You were still nervous about all this, but you didn't want to spoil his joy. So many things could go wrong at this point and knowing this ate at you, you wanted this so bad... but... things happen... You just didn't want to get all hopeful that something you had wanted since childhood was happening, and then it just... not happen.
  “Don't you think its a bit early?” You asked as he drove through the streets.  
  He looked up at the sky through the windshield “Its already early evening, not very early at all.” he responded, seeming confused.
  “No. I mean...” you  sighed and he pulled over into an empty parking space. He turned to you and put a hand on your shoulder. 
“Are you alright?” 
  “yeah... Im just”
“Hon, if something isn't right you have to let me know. If you're not ready, its okay. Don't let my excitement make you feel like you need to go through something if you're not ready for it.”  
“No, it... it isn't that.” 
“Then what?” He caressed your face then put his hand behind your head and placed his forehead onto yours. “What's wrong, love?” 
 “Its so early. Things could go wrong. I could lose our baby at any moment. Even without anything happening. Fuck, Tom... there's a chance I already did and wouldn't even know yet. I'm so scared.” He pulled back and stared into your eyes, his face falling as your anxiety hit him. He bear hugged you as best as he could from across the center console.    
“I didn't even consider that. I got completely wrapped up in my own excitement. Ugh. I... I don't even know” He sat back in his seat, his hand massaging his forehead. “I don't know if this helps any, but... yeah I know how risky this part is, the statistics and stuff. In my head I'm already... fuck I doubt this is gonna come out right.” 
  “What?” you say as the tears of your pent up nervousness finally broke free  
“If something bad happens, at least this early.” He sighed and fought to say what he meant “I'm not okay with it, but I have already made peace with the possibility. There is no pressure on you, from me at least for this to go a certain way. If we have to try again, even a few times I'm okay with that. I know this whole process will be completely different from your perspective. Please tell me how you're feeling so I know how best to care for you, both of you.”
  “Okay.” you reply through snuffles and tears. He handed you a tissue and waited for you to let him know how to proceed. “It does help me a lot to know you feel like that. I'm still scared though. I'm so scared, that I don't want to let myself even get excited or want this too much.” 
  “What do you want to do? We can go back home and order pizza and relax if you want. No pressure. This was all a spur of the moment thing because I got excited.” 
  “Not, not if this is baby shopping stuff. I can't deal with that yet. Please.” 
  “It isn't exactly that. I guarantee you want to go where I was planning, but you may change the 'why' we are going if you want. It can be a 'me spoiling you a bit' thing if you like.”  
“I'm confused.”
“Do you want me to go ahead and tell you, or should it be a surprise?”
“Uh, you pick I guess.”
“Mkay, surprise it is then.” his voice had picked back up, but there was still an edge of reservation to it.  A few minutes passed. “close your eyes, dear.” You did. If it had been anyone else, this gentle command would have sent your anxiety reeling, but with him, somehow... it just felt okay.    
The car drove on for a minute or two more and pulled to a stop and parked. “Okay love, open your eyes.” You squealed in delight when you realized where you were. Right outside the huge crafts supply store you loved. “You said a few times that you wanted to make baby stuff as soon as you found out you were expecting. But if you aren't okay with that just get what you want for yourself.” 
  “What about both?”  
“Both is perfectly perfect dear.” He said with that glowey look he gets as he helped you out the car and grabbed you both a cart.    
“What if I get carried away again?”
“If I have to call a rental moving truck to get everything home, I will...” He chuckled, though you were pretty sure he wasn't joking.  
As soon as you entered the shop you went straight for the textiles section.  You had so many ideas, and without a budget to adhere to, you kinda threw stuff in the cart as soon as ideas popped into your head. The first few times Tom brought you here you had only bought a few things. You didn't want to be a bother, or feel like you were wasting his hard earned money. This frustrated him, so one time he followed you around, and grabbed whatever you longingly looked at but put back. Every. Single. Thing. You ended up going home with more crafts stuff that day than you probably had across your entire life. It was his way of begging you to allow him to spoil you, and it worked.    
You quickly lost track of your hubby, but didn't really notice. He texted you “You okay? We got a bit split up.” 
  “Yeah. I'm a bit worn out. Home and pizza?” 
  “Darling, you know I never say no to pizza... Want me to pull up the car and you go ahead and checkout?”
  “That works”
“Mkay”    
You snaked your way through the aisles towards the checkout, purchased the supplies, bagged them and wheeled the cart out to the car. Tom was waiting and quickly grabbed several bags and put them in the back seat. He was a bit slower with the rest, oddly enough. 
  “In a hurry hubbs?”
  “Pizza is involved.” he responded as he packed the last few bags and took the cart back inside. You got in the car and buckled up. When he came out you couldn't help but notice that glimmer of 'I'm very much up to something' in his eyes. He noticed you looking at him and quickly that impish glint flickered away. Professionally trained to hide mischief face...    
When you got home he asked for you to call in your standard pizza order while he brought everything in. The second trip he made to the car took considerably longer than the first. Just as you began to worry that something had happened, he came in.  
“Tom, is that a Loki sticker on your head?” He burst out laughing, put down the bags, pulled off the sticker and stuck it onto the refrigerator.    
“Yeah, a little girl recognized me outside and said they had to give Loki their sticker. It was adorable. Their mum wanted an autograph too and I ended up chatting a bit. Did you get the call in for pizza?”  
“Mhm. Should be a few more minutes.” 
  “Got any ideas for what to watch?”
  “Yeah, but its silly... we have seen it several times...”
  “Does it happen to star a certain actor we both intimately know?”
  “Yeeeeeah...”  
“Which one? Also its not silly. I am a fabulous actor and you like watching me and snuggling me at same time, and its fucking adorable.” the hint of glee and faux diva he added to his voice made you chuckle a bit.  
“I was thinking of watching The Night Manager again.”
  “Excellent choice. I hear that one of the producers may have a nice ass...” You gently elbow him and slap the referred to 'nice ass'. One thing led to another, and before you realized it, you were standing behind the main door, full on making out. His tongue invading every crevice of your mouth, his hands groped you all over. You returned these touches in kind. You both filled the room with moans until you remembered the pizza delivery person would be arriving soon. You pulled back and looked up at your tall husband. His eyes were dreamy and far away as they stared down at you. You looked down further and realized how much you had 'effected' him.   
A whimper from near your feet drew both of your attention. The cats and Bobby had been staring at the both of you for a bit. “I'll feed them and you get the pizza when it comes?” You ask him and he nods, still a bit stuck in the heat of the earlier moment. The doorbell rings as you fill the furballs' bowls. 
“OH MY GOD ITS TOM HIDDLESTON.” came from the other side of the door.
“Yes, it is.” He chuckled a bit.  
“My boss didn't tell me who I was delivering to, they just grinned and gave the order and address. I know its, like, completely unprofessional, but, like, can I please have your autograph?” You grabbed a sharpie and a piece of paper on your way to the door and handed them to Tom.    
“Of course. How would you like it made out?” Tom asked  
“Oh, I don't really care. I'm just a bit...” they squealed and tried hard to fight for composure. Tom wrote out a short note and signed it. He paid for the pizza and handed the pizza to you. 
“Hey, I know its a bit much to ask for, but can I have a selfie with you?”  
“Sorry, but we have a policy to not do pictures around the house. I hope you understand. If I see you another time, perhaps we can take pictures together then?”  
“Yeah, no, I get it. Totally cool. Thank you so much for being nice and the note and stuff already.” 
“No problem. Have a good night.” Tom ended the conversation as he closed the door.  
“You're gonna go there tomorrow aren't you...” Tom had a habit of going out of his way to be sweet to people.  
“Oh dear, you know me all too well.”  
A bit later you were both snuggled together on the couch, eating pizza, and watching The Night Manager together. He absentmindedly started rubbing your lower abdomen, but stopped short. “Is this alright?” He didn't want you to get anxious again about the baby.  
“Its fine” you reply as you snuggle even closer to him, your head on his chest and the sound of his heartbeat in your ear. The safety and comfort you felt began to lull you to sleep as the first episode ended.   
“Babe, I really need to pee.” He shifted uncomfortably until you untangled from him. He got up quickly and left the room.  
“Actually I should probably do the same.” you got up and waited for him to finish. After you finished you went back to the couch but he wasn't there. Rustling emanated from the other room, and soon Tom came in carrying one of the bags from earlier. He plopped down on the couch beside you and thought for a moment.  “Uh, if you're not okay with this right now just let me know, okay?” He asked.
“Alright. Whatcha got there babe?” 
  “I kinda...” He started pulling out yarn and a 'learn to knit' kit. “I wanted to know if you would teach me so I could make stuff for the baby too.” His cheeks blushed because he worried about your reaction.  
“Of course I'll teach you.” The show played in the background as you both knitted. You would show him a step, he would practice, and you would show him another step. He started with a basic stocking stitch scarf. You figured that would teach him quite a bit without being too complicated. He was soon making consistent progress and you were both able to get back into the show without him needing much help.    
Several weeks later he was away from home to film a part for an upcoming movie. The internet was flooded with paparazzi photos of Tom Hiddleston knitting baby booties and a cap. Speculation soared about whether the actor was about to become a first time father.
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coalessscence · 5 years
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one of my favorite worst things to Think About are the ways herb’s casually neglectful childhood sometimes just....surfaces in the every day world of his life now. and since his whole shtick is my childhood was perfect my father is basically god and i have absolutely no parent issues idk what ur talking abt, he winds up having to flail, having to learn on the way down, and try to keep up a cover that he knew all along. which, usually, doesn’t work, and just makes it all the more sad. here’s a few examples i’ve thought of because i don’t love myself:
someone around the station gets stuck with something metal and comments they might need a tetanus shot. herb was definitely never taken to the doctor’s for a checkup and regular vaccinations as a child, and since he works daytime hours lucille takes the kids while he’s at work, so he literally has never had a shot and he doesn’t fully understand what vaccines are, aside from cultural osmosis, so he asks in telling confusion, “what’s that supposed to mean?” @piper-aileen-lenox specifically, thnx for making me think of this and ruining my life xx
when herb and lucille moved in together (i imagine they were engaged but maybe not married just yet) lucille made it clear to her rather sexist fiance that she was expecting him to tow the line around the house just as much as her, which he agreed to, except when she asked him to do the grocery shopping thinking that was a harmless thing he could do (not like she’d trust him to actually get the dishes clean or fold her clothes so they don’t wrinkle). they almost never had food consistently in the house growing up and if they did eat full meals, they only had the food for THAT MEAL around because 1. herb sr. and ruby (herb’s parents) lived an erratic lifestyle of little to no money or a whole lot of money but only for a second because it was burning a hole in herb sr.’s pocket, and because 2. ruby quickly learned spending money on food ahead was pointless because either herb sr. hecked off somewhere w/o warning and it went bad, or his deadbeat friends hung around and ate it all, so she only bought for that day if they had the money for anything. but since no one was ever around to TEACH herb anything and he figured most things out on his own, herb doesn’t understand all this and he literally thinks you’re not supposed to by food until you run out or that you have to throw out whatever you have left at the end of the week because....... who knows ???? that’s just what he thought. it caused multiple arguments early into herb and lucille’s relationship before she figured it out and explained it to him because he didn’t know well enough to ask.
when herb and lucille’s first child, bunny, was born, he had to be shown how to hold a baby by the doctor. he had literally never held or even interacted with a baby before until that moment. he had no siblings (that he knew of), he had no friends as a child because if he wasn’t the bully he was the target and he was an ass just like dear old dad so no one liked him anyway, and he had 0 other family. lucille realized in that moment as she watched his palpable confusion when she extended their newborn child to him that he was going to have a lot of learning and growing to do. she hoped he was ready for it.
god that time there was a station fam barbecue early into herb’s wkrp career and someone, maybe mr. carlson, is like ‘WHO WANTS TO BE THE GRILL MASTER’ like its a big deal and everyone is like oh it has to be herb bc he’s the newest out of us and hes aware all the men see it as a status symbol and he CAN’T be less of a man than another man bc Ego (tm) so hes like of course im the grill master !!! and then panics for the next thirty minutes because he’s literally never even stood next to a grill let alone used one HOW DOES IT WORK the first fifteen minutes he doesnt even have the gas on rip
when herb was, like, 15, he taught himself how to drive a car because one of his “friends” (peers who was a bully that he called a friend and hung out with to stop also getting bullied but who was still bullying him anyway, herb was just brainwashed into thinking that’s what friendship is) wanted them to go out cruising and herb wanted to be a Cool Guy and not look like a chump so he lied and said he could drive. they got pulled over, because of course they did, and herb got in big trouble for you know, driving w/o a licences. the kicker though is that herb didn’t fucking know you can’t drive without a license or that licenses and road tests and drivers ed were even a THING because he literally raised himself and no one ever  t a u g h t   h i m   a n y t h i n g. anyways his dad got called home to deal with it from wherever he was away at at the time and he got in big trouble for interrupting dear old dad’s work anyways so :) what a healthy family
surprisingly, herb DID know how to cook the basics. grilled cheese, pasta, stir fries, a couple casseroles. lucille asked him about it because he was always such a Gender Roles (tm) type of man who wouldn’t even wear a brighter shade of red than like. maroon. in case it got loosely contaminated with the concept of the color pink and he’d have to change his name and move to alaska. so why was he doing a “ womans job “ (cooking) and herb just looked confused and said “what, guys don’t cook?” she told him that no, they usually didn’t and would have laughed at her if she tried to make them, and he laughed awkwardly and absently stirred the pot on the stove and shrugged in mild confusion. “that’s weird. if i didn’t cook i’d have... starved, i guess.”
the bad news is his cooking wasnt GREAT and lucille was happy to take over because again.........self taught. and he has one (1) brain cell so. not Great
LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW ALL CLOTHES DON’T HAVE TO BE DRY CLEANED. his dad literally wore clothes that had to be dry cleaned Every Day (and we wonder why the tarlek family was short on the food budget god) (and they were ugly clothes too akdhfjfg) and ofc if ruby washed her clothes, it was while herb was at school. he dry cleaned so many clothes that do Not Make Sense to dry clean in college before he slowly figured that out.
did not know what an allowance was. bunny asked him for one and not willing to seem stupid to his swift daughter he told her to ‘ask her mother’, who thought it was hecking weird that her money obsessed husband would say that, so she asked him why and after several long minutes he just shrugged helplessly and said “what’s an allowance?”
don’t even get me started on herb and lucille planning their wedding ( ‘what kind of stuff should we put on the gift register?’ “put on the WHAT?”  ‘what are we going to put on top of the cake?’ “there’s gonna be CAKE?”  ‘i can’t wait for daddy to walk down the isle with me, it’ll mean a lot to him’ “your DAD is gonna walk you down the isle....?? but you’re marrying ME, right?”   ) also herb not knowing the wedding look of the bride is supposed to be a Secret and barging into the room w a question or smth while lucille and her bridesmaids are getting ready, and everyone is hella miffed and he’s like WHAT i’ve seen her naked before and theyre all like THATS NOT THE POINT HERB
herb did Not Know about seasonal allergies. he just........didn’t know. he just thought god hated him and every spring and fall his head sprung a leak. and the whole time he was growing up no one A. listened to him complain about them and put 2 and 2 together, nor B. just taught him about basic first aid stuff in general for that matter he doesnt know shit. anyways, then lucille was like why are you such a tough guy just stop complaining and take some medicine for your stupid allergies and he was like take some what for my what now
ANYWAYS herb’s mom left while he was v young and he doesn’t remember much about her. herb’s dad was literally   n e v e r   home. the people herb’s dad left him with would work for obscenely low amounts of pay or owed herb sr. money and largely used all the money for their own food, drugs, alcohol, or other more unsightly business, and left herb alone to fend for himself. this is the disaster human that that produced, thanks, family dynamics! don’t abandon your children, kids, thanks for coming to my ted talk
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shelbywanders · 5 years
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Less than $100/wk on groceries?!
If you’re anything like me, you don’t like wasting your money. You have to get your money’s worth, or it’s not worth it at all. One of my biggest struggles was grocery shopping. I HATED spending so much money on food that would just be gone in a couple of days! Dropping $200 on food a week was NOT my cup of tea, but hey, you have to eat! And grocery stores are just so tempting...
Right now, it’s just me & my fiance that eat the food. We have a four-month-old who is exclusively breastfed, and we also use cloth diapers, so we literally don’t spend any money on her when it comes to groceries! I know, love it while it lasts, right?! Even though it’s just the two of us, we were still spending way too much for my liking on groceries. But now I’ve gone from paying almost $200 a week on groceries to less than $100. And when I mean groceries, that includes all household items and toiletries. So really, I spend about $50-$60 on just food a week! How do I do it? Well honestly, there’s not a lot of tricks to it!
First things first, what are we eating this week? That’s the first question I ask myself when I go to make my grocery shopping list. Wait, back up. You don’t make a list? There’s your first problem! 
Lists are VITAL to spending less money at the grocery store. Lists aren’t just great to remember things that you need to get. They serve other purposes too! I easily spend 50 bucks over my budget if I go into the store without a list prepared so now I won’t be caught dead without one. You might think that it’s silly to need such a thing, I mean come on. You’re an adult. Lists are for children. No! Listen, lists help keep my life together! When we go to the store, our eyes wander everywhere. They land on things that tempt us. You really didn’t plan on buying donuts at the store, but you spotted some, and they look soooo good..now you want them! When you write down only the things that you need, it’s easier to bypass the things that tempt you in the store. When you’re shopping from a list, your attention is focusing on the things on the paper. Therefore, you spend money on only the things you need this week and less on random items that just catch your attention when you don’t know exactly what you need. It might seem crazy that just a simple task like making a list can save you money, but you would be surprised! If you currently don’t make a list before you shop, I highly suggest to try it out and see how it goes for you! 
So now we know we need to make a list. But what goes on it? It’s time to make a menu! It’s easy to forget things when we just make a list out of thin air. This is where Pinterest comes in so handy. Pinterest is a social media platform where people share recipes, home decoration ideas, inspiration for crafts and so much more. The first thing I do is get on over to Pinterest to help come up with new and easy recipes for dinners. I plan out my days and decide on what we’re going to have each day. 
I am a sucker for cheap and easy meals. I mean, I have a baby, and I don’t have time to cook a dinner that takes an hour to prep and then another hour to cook. I have come up with so many dinners that are less than $10, and pretty much all of them take less than 30 minutes to make from start to finish. Some dishes take an hour to cook, but only a few minutes to prep. Those types of meals are my favorites! The only reason why I suggest Pinterest is because if you’re like me, I am not creative in the kitchen. I can cook just about anything, but if I don’t have a recipe, I have no idea where to start! I also hate having the same things over and over again, it just gets boring! It’s so easy for me to go onto Pinterest, search cheap dinner recipes and find so many different recipes to try out that don’t break the bank and help switch it up a bit to keep things fun and exciting in the kitchen! 
Once I find my 7 dinner meals, I go to each one of them, and that’s how I form my list. I figure out what I need for each meal, take out what I already have at home and configure a shopping list from that. This way, I’m not just buying random things that I think I might or might not use this week. After I make my list from the recipes, I go back and add the rest of the foods I know we’ll need and then all the rest like household items and toiletries. Things that I usually add for example would be like eggs, milk, and bread. Cereal for breakfasts and lunch meat for lunches. You know, things that we use every week and that I know I need to buy no matter what the menu is. 
I do realize that many people do this with their shopping lists. They know what they want to make, so people make a list of things that they need to get so that they can make it. It’s not unheard of! I used to do this too, but I would never make an actual menu for the whole week and plan my entire day out foodwise. Until I started to do that, I was still spending more money than what I wanted. 
Making your menu
It doesn’t stop there! When I make my menu for the week, not only do I try to find cheap and easy recipes to follow, I try to find things that the items that I buy for one recipe will be used in another recipe too. For example, if I plan on making chili one night and I need to buy say, tomatoes, onions, and ground beef for it, I know I want to also make tacos another night so that I can use half of the tomatoes, onions and ground beef that I bought for chili for tacos too! I can buy one bigger can of tomatoes for .89 cents and split it and use it for two different meals. It’s all about looking at different recipes and seeing how you can save yourself a couple of bucks by buying bigger packages of items but using them for multiple meals. 
Doing your shopping
Stores are different around the world. In my city, the biggest grocery stores that we have are Walmart, Kroger, Meijer and Aldi’s. I have shopped at all of them to compare them, and I always come back to Kroger and Aldi’s. When I do my shopping, I buy everything except protein (all the meats) at Kroger and I buy my protein at Aldi’s. Why? Because have you been to Aldi’s before?! Their protein is super cheap! Sure, it might sound annoying having to go to two different places for groceries, but I save $50 bucks easily by getting my protein at Aldi’s rather than just getting them at Kroger. So don’t be afraid to check out other grocery stores in your area and compare and contrast the prices! It might be worth it to go to two different places if you’re saving money! It is to me. 
When I shop, I always buy the generic version as they are pretty much always the cheaper option. I know, the word generic sounds ugly. But honestly, most of the generic versions are still basically the same as the fancy name brand stuff! Besides, I just can’t get myself to buy something that is X amount of money when I know there’s a cheaper option available. But that’s just me! I mentioned earlier that I don’t do any couponing. Every now and then, I’ll have a coupon that I’ll use but other than that I don’t use any. Should I? Probably! But what I do pay attention to is sales. Sales! Sales! Sales! Kroger has a lot of great deals which helps my budget a lot. Never ignore the sales! 
Getting home
Wait, you mean there’s more to saving money after the shopping is done? Yes! You’ve done your shopping, you’re tired, you’re ready for a bath & some wine, but you have more money saving things to do! When I used to grocery shop, I would buy one of those big things of chicken breasts (you know, the ones that look like this)
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And I would just keep it like that. It wasn’t until I started portioning out my meats (therefore portioning all my meals out) that I started saving a lot of money. Not only do I portion all my meats out, but I also cut them in half. I mean those chicken breasts are HUGE! I buy the big thing of chicken, take each chicken breast and slice em in half and make twice as many meals as leaving them whole! And trust me, they are still big enough for a meal! I portion them out for two in a freezer bag. When we need to buy pork, we always buy a pork loin and then I cut them into chops if I need them or just leave it as a loin. I do the same thing when I portion them. Each meal gets its own bag. With a pork loin that costs 5-10 bucks (depending on the sale that week), you can make 3-4 meals out of it! When I need to buy ground beef, I buy the big 5 lb rolls and cut them in thirds or in half, depending on what I am using the beef for.  These are just some examples of what I do with the meats I buy! 
The last time I went to Aldi’s, I spent $11 on a pack of chicken breasts. They are huge, so we cut them in half, and after portioning them out, we had 11 meals! 11 meals for $11?! Yes, please! Not only does portioning the meals out help save you money, but it also makes thawing and preparing meals a lot easier too because all you have to do is take a bag out the freezer and into the fridge to thaw. No sorting out your meals or having to think about how much of what you’ll need. 
So there it is! How I spend less than $100 a week on groceries! No tricks or couponing. Just planning and organizing your week makes such a difference in the money that you’re spending! To end this blog off, I wanted to include an example menu & list that I would use at my house to give you all a visual. 
Menu
Mon- Oven Baked Meatball Sandwiches
Tues- Creamy Swiss Chicken Bake w Buttered Noddles
Wed- Garlic Rosemary Pork Loin w Green Beans & Mashed Potatoes
Thurs- Chili
Fri- Chicken Enchiladas w White Sour Cream Sauce 
Sat- Pulled Pork Sandwiches 
Sun- Lemon Buttered Tilapia over Rice 
List
Bread for subs, pasta sauce, mozzarella, ground beef. Noodles, butter, mayo, parm cheese, sour cream, swiss cheese, chicken. Garlic, rosemary leaves, green beans, mashed potatoes (instant), pork loin. Tomatoes, onion, tomato sauce, ground beef, cheddar cheese, chili seasoning packet. Chicken broth, green chilies, tortillas, butter, mozzarella, sour cream, chicken. Hamburger buns, bbq, Worcestershire sauce, onion, chicken broth, garlic, brown sugar, pork. Lemon juice, butter, rice, tilapia. 
As you can see, there are several items for each recipe that repeats itself. I’ll use the big ground beef for both meatball sandwiches and chili. I’ll use sour cream in the swiss chicken and chicken enchiladas, also use the mozzarella with the meatball sandwiches and enchiladas, also the butter in a ton of dishes... you get the picture! All these recipes are very different from each other yet contain a lot of the same ingredients that you can use for multiple purposes.
I’ll add on any extras like cereal, milk, eggs, bread, and other drinks. Add the household things that I might need like laundry or dish detergent and then toiletries, like shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant. And then there’s my list! This was actually my grocery shopping list a few weeks ago. I spent less than $100 on it all! 
Other comments & tips! 
I realize that many people have bigger families to feed, but that’s okay! All of this can still help you. Most of the meals that I make, while there are only 2 of us, they could definitely feed more like 4 people. I make a lot so that I have leftovers that I can quickly heat up for lunch the next day! 
The thing I like the most about making lists from menus is that it is super customizable. If your budget is $200 a week, you can make a more extravagant list. If you have time in your life to make more time-consuming recipes, you can change up your menu with more ingredients too! Just because I personally like to stick with simple but tasty and fast recipes, doesn’t mean you have to! 
While I tend to buy generic items, there are plenty of ways to spice them up! I almost always buy instant mashed potatoes (I know some will cringe at this) but just add some salt & pepper, butter, garlic & sour cream & a tiny bit of cream cheese, you would think it was homemade! I buy the $1 jars of pasta sauce, add some garlic, Italian seasoning, parmesan cheese & bam! So much tastier and it’s so easy to do! 
If you’re interested in the recipes that I love to make (All under $10 and 30 minutes or less to cook!) make sure to follow me on my Pinterest to see what I pin! 
https://www.pinterest.com/shelbywanders
Thank you so much for reading! I love saving money and love to help other people do it too! After all, saving money = happy life! 
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transarterrified · 6 years
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top surgery
I wanted to write up my experience as a reference for others who are interested in getting top surgery or who want to learn more about it. I’m going to write it kind of like an advice/what I wish I had known or done before. There are a few sections: fundraising, before the surgery, the surgery, and early recovery.
Fundraising
As you may have seen, I did a fundraiser with help from several people, including rgr-pop and start-anywhere, who donated items and labor to the fundraiser. You can still donate if you want the mixes and/or a tarot reading from me, haha. Here is my advice about fundraising:
If possible, make your own website instead of using YouCaring or GoFundMe. If you do want to use a donation site, pick one that doesn’t take a cut of the money. I built a website with Wordpress and purchased a plan that took that ads off the page, which I did more because I needed to do that for my professional website when I go on the job market. I found that it gave me more room to talk about my budget, I was able to track the analytics more tightly, and I think it may have been more rhetorically effective. It might even make sense to use something like Squarespace with a store feature – I think Merritt Kopas did this for her fundraiser.
Offer tangible benefits, but pick ones that are easy to accomplish. For me this was important because I didn’t want people to just give money to me for a variety of reasons. I also was able to do a thing I do all the time anyway and share a skill I’m developing. It helps you reach people who don’t know you, and also encourages people to give more money. It took me a long time to pick two things I wanted to give. I had all kinds of ideas, like screenprinting a cool shirt (I still want to do this), and making a queer tarot zine (I also still want to do this). But at the very correct urging of beneaththeleaf, I narrowed it down to two things that take less time than those crafts. So, briefly, pick benefits that are easy to distribute, easy to make, and free/cheap to make. If you don’t have to ship things, you’ll be able to keep more money.
Let others help you. If your friends have a skill, ask them to contribute something your donors can give for more money. Let your friends help you with managing the contacts you have to make post-donation and with sharing and promoting the fundraiser. It will have more of an impact if you can get ten friends to share or reblog your fundraiser than if you share or reblog your own fundraiser ten times!
Don’t expect fundraising to cover the whole cost. And don’t compare yourself to other people raising money. I wouldn’t have been able to have the surgery without the money I raised. But I also wouldn’t have been able to do it without the money I saved and the money I borrowed. Among my friends who have raised money, the average is about $2000. And you will be fundraising the same time that your friends are, which is awkward. I was fundraising for a surgery the same time as another friend in my extended network, and he raised all $9000 that he asked for. He deserves it! Another friend got top surgery the same week and paid for it all out of pocket. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have fundraised! You have to just let other people’s surgeries be their surgeries and their fundraisers be their fundraisers. Boost yours and other fundraisers you don’t see getting traction as much as possible. It’s shitty and it sucks. But that’s how the internet works.
Let yourself get some money. It took me MANY therapy sessions to accept that I could and should do a fundraiser. I didn’t think I was worth it! I felt like I was taking resources from other people. But that’s not really how it works. As my friend Cass has described to me, being trans on the internet is basically part of being in a huge circle of friends constantly giving each other $30. It feels bad to take that money. But if it’s the only way you can do it, you need to do it! You can give it forward later.
Get ready to feel weird. Asking for money will lead to some weird social circumstances. I got several unexpected large donations and some of those I had to talk with the donors about. Some of your friends are secretly rich, which is weird.
Before the Surgery
Take care of your health. I panicked the week before the surgery because I was convinced I would get sick and then they couldn’t perform the surgery on me. One night, I got off the bus 10 stops before my house because the guy sitting next to me was coughing without covering his mouth. I sucked on so many zinc tablets my taste buds are still fucked up. I even called the surgeon to assuage my fear that it would be ok if I had a cold, and they were very firm with me about not being sick at all being very important. You should think about this before scheduling a surgery a) at the end of the semester or a more stressful period at your job, b) during cold and flu season, and c) during the holidays. I was fine! But it triggered my deepest compulsion and it made me way crazier than I needed to be before getting surgery.
Let other people help you. I didn’t do this as much as I should have, but ask people for help with getting prepared, cleaning your house, whatever will help you be less stressed at least the week before your procedure.
Try to avoid going down the internet rabbit holes. I read A LOT of surgery result stories and felt like it was going to either be me feeling 100% two days later or being bedridden for two weeks. I think there is value in reading people’s stories, but remember, they are stories and sometimes are embellished, and also aren’t the only possible outcomes. I felt like since I hadn’t been working out, taking supplements, etc. etc. it was going to be bad and my long term recovery would be bad. It’s just not true! There are things you can do to prepare, and you should do what makes you feel the most confident. But don’t listen to the advice of every musclebro out there.
Try to R-E-L-A-X. I know this is pointless advice, but try to be calm, meditate, do breathing exercises, etc. Get your blood pressure down. Also, doubt and guilt are totally natural feelings. If possible, I highly recommend reaching out to someone who has had top surgery to talk with them about these feelings if you can. It was really helpful to know it was normal to feel guilty and doubtful, and to also know that those feelings would reside with time.
If you smoke tobacco, they will ask you to stop at least two weeks before surgery. Just keep this in mind!
Day before/of surgery
Pack button-downs only and lots of sweat pants. If you need sweaters, go with cardigans and zip ups. You won’t be able to raise your arms over your head.
Go shopping before you get the surgery. Here’s a list, if you don’t get a package of stuff from your surgeon. I recommend getting these items prior to your procedure:
Two post-surgical binders—you will be provided one most likely. Get another if possible, or even two
If you are doing open drains: thin, wingless pads and extra large bandages. The thin pads will be nicer than the maternity pads they’ll give you to drain into, and eventually you can switch to bandages.
Sleep aids – it can be hard to sleep, even on pain meds.
Ibuprofen or other pain medicine – go off the hard stuff as soon as you can, because you’ll feel bette
Fiber pills – you won’t want to eat a lot, probably, and fiber will help your digestive system get back on track.
Stool softeners or laxatives – see above
Benadryl for itching
Neosporin
Lots of things you like to drink – I got two big bottles of Gatorade, Diet Coke, and cherry lime fizzy water.
Straws
Appealing snacky foods
Baby wipes and/or flushable wipes – I used these for everything and way more than I expected to
A massage ball (e.g., lacrosse ball) or some kind of massage tool for post-surgery massage. I just couldn’t deal with the feeling of pressing on my own incisions and chest; having a massage ball helped.
Laundry detergent--especially if you can bring no-rinse stuff like Soak
You won’t be able to eat before the surgery so eat when you can.
Don’t drink 24 hours before surgery. Some surgeons have harder rules on this. I tried to limit myself to one drink max per day the week before surgery.
The Surgery
This is what my experience was. We got to the surgeon’s office. I had my friend/care partner come in with me. We looked at before and after pictures in the waiting room. There was champagne, but I couldn’t drink it. It’s very strange if you get your surgery at a plastic surgeon’s office!
Very shortly, the first nurse led me into the consultation room. She weighed me (and made a weird comment about me losing weight). I did a bunch of paperwork. The nurse asked me which song I wanted played as I went under. I said something by Reba McEntire. She took my temperature and BP. My BP was 150/90 or something terrible – I told her I had white coat syndrome, and she told me it was relatively normal to have a high BP the day of surgery. I had to take off all my clothes in the bathroom after that, then put on surgical underwear and socks.
After that, she gave me a Valium and some other drugs. She took pictures of my chest from several angles. We waited for a long time. My friend caught some Pokemon. I freaked out. The Valium kicked in. I met with the surgeon. We talked for a long time about what my goals were (which we had already discussed over the phone). Mine were as follows: I didn’t want my nipples to be too close together, and I wanted my chest to look normal for someone of my size. I brought a “wish pic,” but I didn’t give it to anyone and I don’t know if they used it. She drew on my body with a medical marker. She took a lot of measurements and we tried to eyeball where my nipples would go. She rubbed nitro ointment on my hand. Then she left.
We waited more. The anesthesiologist came in and asked a ton of questions and had me do paperwork. She smelled like cigarettes. We waited even more. Then, very quickly, I was ushered into the surgery room. I was swarmed by nurses and the anesthesiologist. I couldn’t tell what Reba song was playing. They put compression pumps on my legs and strapped me to the table. Then I fell asleep and woke up with a new chest. I apparently told everyone Cass was my smartest friend, but only to tell him that he was one of my five smartest friends so he wouldn’t get a big head.
My Procedure
I had a buttonhole done, which is similar to a double incision but it retains a pedicle of nipple tissue, which purportedly increases the chance you will retain nipple sensation. So far, I have some feeling in one of my nipples, which is very rare for top surgery. So I guess that is a good sign.
Early Recovery
You will need more help than you think. I had a pretty fast and smooth recovery. Even with that, I really relied on my care partner to help me dress my drains, rebind, etc. I was also really depressed and lonely after surgery, and he being there was really helpful.
Find some activity you can do that feels productive. We played SO MUCH Pokemon Go and Ingress while I recovered. This was fun for both of us!
The pain may be less than you think. You’re coming off of anesthesia when you are recovering, and your pain might feel less intense as a result. Often you don’t need to take as many pain meds as you are given. For me, the most terrible sensation is…
ITCHING
THE ITCHING (FOR ME) IS TERRIBLE. The nurse told me that opiates make the itching worse (!) and it’s also just part of the wound healing process.
When ready, try to walk and move around. It will help you feel better! But don’t overdo it. I walked a little the first and second day, then a whole lot after that.
Make time to sleep and don’t expect to get work done. It’s really hard for me to envision not working, but for once, I was able to get exactly no work done for a few days. For the first two days, I also slept >12 hours at nighttime and with naps.
I may come back to this and add or remove as I keep recovering!
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wolfwhiteflowers · 6 years
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how to block a fandom.. ugh sigh  vvv
trying to not be so involved in the fandom or so. idk how. (winter hiatus is gonna be hell) 
everyone’s keep bashing on the show and saying mean stuff. be careful what u wish for.  
it’s gonna be fine. it’s just a show, u can do whatever with it, quit it, not take it seriously, or just #anti-
~~~~~~
i guess when a show is old and changing..or there’s a big fandom on online, there’s more fandom wank than I’m used to think there was before(the 1% theory). I’m more on the unpopular opinion-side (I always do). More bitter people and I feel like they’re missing out on some cool stuff that is still there, but they’re too bitter and impatient to see it. Fandom...internet places...people are generally negative? (people don’t like grey angsty arcs) Anyways, i just wanna focus on the positive stuff when i go online or to think. I understand some just wanna chat and rant, and some have other different reasons why they go online etc.
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ok so i think u just limit to a lot of fandom things. some rules..? this is hard to do. just don’t go on it so much.
-***most of the time, people/fan don’t need the fandom. Fandom is just on the side. I feel like being part of the fandom is like being part of a group or family and just helping people out. It’s like you’re just making up extra time to help/squee/argue people. Idk ..I can not be part of the fandom. //Fandom seems to care about being right, shipping, fave’s attention. Not much on analyzing on story. People suck. -Give a F*ck budget, money, time, energy.
-****try to avoid places where u see people’s opinions(comments/posts) all the time or just view it in short time. (also avoid negative rude people ect. -only read on positive people’s) It’s hard because fan forum sites, there’s great convo/analyzing/meta discussion in there that u sometimes don’t see in it like tumblr. But, lately i see people hate-watching commenting. (like “ofc, showrunner does this.” “i hope rating goes down so my fave actor can have a better job opportunity, or show it in showrunner’s face my ship is better than the notp and the spotlight.” ..really a lot of fans say the same things in any fandom. is it even true? )
-kinda..avoid stans...shipper stans. they only care about a ship. ok that’s kinda harsh..but yeah they’re most likely to be bitter because the show focus on other characters/ships too. Also, skim past the dramatic/jealous-like posts. 
-..idk why, but people like to compare all the time. criticize and judge quickly. like ok....why not both (fave ships)? Why compare faves? Good thing the show is just focusing on everyone..ok. Oh, and the whole this character is “weak” ok ..so say it to a disabled veteran or an abused wife. sigh. I don’t want to see a show with perfect strong superheroes. BORING! This show is not a boring video game. idk..some people don’t think ...critically or long-term.. like come on..this show, most shows are about characters and them being strong emotionally and physically in their challenges. Also, another thing, idk why fans focus on what the writers are saying but not thinking on the other characters too. Like if the show focus on a character apologizing to another character. That character who apologized= fandom hates him/her. But this other character who is a dick but the show doesn’t address it and doesn’t redeem him/her = fandom doesn’t care or notice it. Another is that fandom don’t like complex character...female characters blah blah. Idk what’s my point here. fandom popularity? so just know that sometimes fandom is just so immature, annoying and rude. So, try to avoid it.
-not a lot of people are overall-fans, so...there’s more wank for me to see it. same with being a multi-shipper, i see more wank too. Like me shipping c@ryl and r!chonne. boy, i see hate on all of them on per character. (because people who don’t like c@ryl are not r!chonners...but they may also ship r!chonne. idk why it’s c ship vs. r ship. it’s just ABD/C shippers.)
-oh, thing about generalizing. People love to generalize. sigh. I should try not to be so sensitive in the fandom or I’m so caught up in fandom wank. i should not take it seriously when people generalize...anyways people generalize things and that always create drama/fandom wank. omg. ugh. Sometimes, these people are ones that just plain assholes. So, block them. Sometimes, it’s just they said it wrong and/or thought it wrong. So, idk. Try to say “IMO,...” “Some shippers...”
-idk if it’s accurate...but my theory or what i heard..is that the show is the showrunner’s/writer’s show. It’s not mine and it’s not the fans’ show. Everyone’s have different likes and wants. Writers can’t please everyone. I heard that it’s good that the showrunner’s stick to what s/he wants because it’s their story and it’s not giving fanservice to please different types of people all the time.If they keep pleasing other people, it makes the show inconsistent and frustrating. Criticisms is ok but I think showrunners know and see it and they decide what to do with it. 
- ratings. ok so that’s hard to handle. it’s just part of being a tv fan. it’s all show business kind of thing. just be realistic. show’s gonna end someday. hopefully there will be a good conclusion and how the writers want it to go for the show. nothing’s goes fair and perfect on shows. (like there’s actors leaving or canceling) I don’t believe in those theories on changing writer’s minds on character/ships and stuff.
-putting words into actor’s/writer’s mouth. i hate that. These fans are obviously biased and ..like entitled-fans. (kinda like bad irl shippers too) This annoys so much. No one knows what the actors/writers are really thinking. That’s their personal life and they have their own personal opinions. so, saying this actor wants to leave because the show sucks, character is not focused as much, or they hate their co-stars. It’s soooo dumb and so rude. u don’t know them. what if the actor wants to leave because of sick family or just want to change careers or whatever. I just would rather have the facts and actor’s statement to say what really is going on. I don’t wanna theorize on biased-rumors. I also..just not into actor’s life. Like I’m not into idolizing actors/other performers etc., because I just don’t know them fully and ..it always end up disappointing..(like omg she smokes? omg she’s a drunk driver? omg she got married to that guy eew why?). So, idolize ..a little. My point is..idk just skim past the entitled fans...
-i like this advice from someone, ... go to #showedits Maybe even go to #showspoilers.( Well to look at overall of the show and gifsets. but there’s still wank, so idk.)
-i feel like idk what to think about the show because i feel like I’m worried about the fans’s feelings/thoughts and wonder what’s their reactions will be this time after an ep aired. I’m so caught up on fandom that idk what i myself like on the show or think what’s right. ....So I take a moment to myself and think on what I like and don’t like in an episode. Write out your feels! ...don’t need to have the fandom anyway.
-always ask, do i still trust the writers? Does my fave characters still in-character and I understand where the story or season’s story is going? Do I still like it?// Just know what kind of show it is. it’s just a show on that day to watch. maybe not get so invested next time. Or, to quit the show, find a spot in the show and say that’s my finale ep of the show for me. ..and there’s fanfictions. just make one up in ur head, an ending, and then move on. These are all fictional stories, you can do whatever with it.
-if ya wanna rant negative. imo, i like to just write it out and tag it #anti- and put it under ‘keep reading’. idk, deal with it, on what the show is, realistically. grieve it. it’s ok to quit a show. /////sometimes, when im confused of the plot and get mad at the writers, sometimes it’s best to wait it out...sometimes the writers already know about the “problem/drama of the plot” and they make sense later on.
-focus on what u like about the show. Do fan art! look at fan art, read fanfiction, and fan videos! Write it out on what u like and speculate. get it out of ur chest.
-during hiatus, there’s more fandom wank. sometimes, just wait a day, the wank is not there anymore. so, do fan art, or just go look into another show and stuff. take a break.
-having unpopular opinions. oh well. what the majority say isn’t always right. idk just shrug and be proud of ur thoughts or crack ship. if it’s like unpopular opinion on the show’s writing, then keep in mind, and maybe the show isn’t for you and that’s ok. *it’s all what the writers want to do. The majority doesn’t know and change the story atm. This part seems to be the hardest..cos u can see majority’s opinions all the time and everywhere. Usually negative sigh. So my tumblr dashboard ..is all mostly one fandom-fans. eh. so i see a lot.  Just keep scrolling and know ..that person from that fandom, probably complain about something. 
-most importantly, I tell myself, “do i still like the show? Do I still wanna watch and see how it goes?” Then if yes, then so it is. It’s all about me..if I still like the show. My time, money, care.
-tired of negative talk of anything. sigh. idk. (why do they repeat the same thing and say it 25,375 times? nothing’s changed. it doesnt help me or u. just deal w/ur crap feels now and get it over with.) (some say it’s bad writing when it’s just something they don’t like. something minor. complain easily. basically..it’s just that it’s the writers’s show or they forget it’s a season-long arc.) i guess go elsewhere . fanart.
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janzz · 5 years
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day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post
really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)
so fail but lol
here’s my post for today
i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!
not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)
but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!
(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL)  (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)
(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets.  i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful.  however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong.  i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods.  the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)
anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc).  i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me.  like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.
its really weird how money changes your life.  its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark.  it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life.  anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces  your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.
before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit).  i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further.  whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well
now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends.  dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal.  im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference.  if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.  
it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price.  i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong.  whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics).  i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff.  my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model.  when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius
another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag.  I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob.  Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies.  another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck.  before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month.  ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6.  when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special
but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k.  there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.
THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik).  anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.
so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.
the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not.  im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.
income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time.  me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels.  we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4.  we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together.  additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k.  i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump.  and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.
im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful.  anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to.  i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.  
when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase.  i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert.  he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking.  i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next.  but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash.  i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.
despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality.  it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad).  i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.  
he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive.  what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs.  me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome.  what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.
when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much.  what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup).  i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.  
then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy.  these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner.  at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)
all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k.  tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company.  i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k.  and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years.  i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less).  that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.
i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status.  something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me.  i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.
30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend.  its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis.  his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices.  privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it.  as i make more money i also care more and more to give back.  if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts.  i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.
dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me.  im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to.  them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me.  the second is them fronting the bill for my university education.  the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.
im fucking lucky.
we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.  
...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way. 
(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)
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wealthyonline · 5 years
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MyEcon Review – Should You Join?  I Don’t Think So...
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Do you need to be able to fix your credit as well as pay less income taxes?
For me personally, not really...
But if I wanted to I could go to Google and learn to do it for free.
This post might really ruffle some feathers, but in this honest myEcon review, I'm going to dive deep into just what this company really is, what exactly you get if you join, and if it's really worth it to spend your hard earned money on this business.
To begin with (as you may already know from the title), I would recommend that you simply do not sign up for this company.  And if you do, you really only need to be in it for a month, and after that, you’ll have all the info you need to fix your credit.
Now if you want to find out exactly why then read on.
myEcon PROS
The training
Before we delve into the ridiculous and upsetting details about this company, let's talk about what is actually good about it: the training.
Nevertheless, I do think it is suspicious that the only proof this company is the training for their opportunity.  Shouldn't a benefit of the company be it's actual product or service?  Or perhaps it's sales system?
Anyways the training in myEcon is fairly decent.  Needless to say, you would probably expect it to be if you were paying exclusively to be able to make money online.
I've spoken to a lot of people regarding the training and I've looked at it myself.  The overall consensus and also my personal opinion are that it is very helpful and informative.
Even so, the thing I have to note is this: lots of people are not paying for online marketing training.  They are paying to figure out how to repair their credit rating.  This really is the biggest marketing pitch of the company.  So you should be on red alert that the only benefit about myEcon is their recruiting training.
Additionally, I have tons of online business training that I share free of charge.  Not just basic make posts on Facebook stuff, but actual strategies to acquire a lot more leads and sales in your business.  So yes, myEcon's training is great, but still, why pay every month for that when you can get the same level of training for free?
myE- CONS
This is some of the things that are terribly wrong with myEcon:
travel booking, nutrition products, and credit monitoring is NOT included in your membership
travel discounts are a joke
cashback mall is a joke
roadside assistance is horrible
the cash-flow manager is redundant
the comp plan is not made clear from the beginning
the compensation plan does not pay you that well
The negatives of myEcon are so apparent to me that it's amazing that people are even signing up.  It is amazing to me that folks continue joining MLM companies at all, however this one, especially, is very clear it really is silly.
Here's what the back-office looks like for myEcon:
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Upsells
First of all, the upsells.
Possibly it's just me, but I would think that if I were paying nearly $40 a month to repair my credit, I would receive credit monitoring included in the program...
...but it's not.
You have to pay more for credit monitoring, travel reservations, and their nutrition supplements.  Also I think it is unusual that a credit repair business does not include credit monitoring in their membership package while also retailing coffee and dietary supplements.
Travel Deals?  Where?  Oh, There
To begin with, the travel discounts.  Before I even proceed any further, I'll simply show you what happens once you click on 'discount travel' in the myEcon backoffice:
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Did you see that?  Their supposed travel discounts is simply a link to priceline.com.  Are you kidding me?  Who would spend almost $40 bucks month after month for travel discounts from Priceline when you are able just go to priceline.com without cost?
You just saved almost $40 this month.  How do you feel?
Let's continue.
Cashback Mall...I've Seen This Someplace Before...
Another "benefit" of your myEcon subscription is that you get cashback on some your purchases at different places.
Here's what occurs once you visit myEcon's cashback mall:
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Pardon the grainy image.  Allow me to clarify what this is.
MyEcon's Cash back Mall is essentially ebates.  Check it out:
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But...
...ebates is free, so in what way is this an added benefit of a myEcon membership?  The same as with priceline, why would you pay money for something that is 100% free and is easy to find?
Roadside Assistance...Always Be Sure You Break Down VERY Close To Home
Coincidentally, myEcon gives you roadside assistance, similiar to how Motor Club of America does.  Interestingly enough, because lots of people in MCA jumped ship aboard myEcon.
What is really disappointing though, is the fact that this roadside assistance that you receive with myEcon only will tow you up to fifteen miles.
That's correct.  fifteen miles.
If you might be looking to make use of this invaluable perk when you pay to become a member of myEcon, do your self a favor and make sure you break down close to home, otherwise you will not need this myEcon benefit!
Cash flow Manager...Ever Heard Of Google Play?
Yet another "benefit" of your subscription is that you will gain access to their cash flow manager.
I agree, all people should manage their cash flow whether they have a business or not.  It is great to know where your hard earned money is coming from as well as going to.
But...
...this feature of the myEcon membership can already be found absolutely free elsewhere.  If you just head over to Google Play and type in "money manager" or maybe "budget app" you can find the same and even better quality apps to track your income and expenses totally free.
Here's what I found:
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I would not recommend typing in "cashflow manager" because then myEcon's app shows up and, like every other free “feature” here, I am pretty sure you will have to pay them for that too!
Earn A Lot Of Money With MyEcon...If You Recruit A Lot
Before we dive into myEcon's comp plan, one thing to be aware of is that this company isn't really up front with their comp plan.  Whenever one of their members sends you to their business presentation, you do not even see how much you will earn.
I think that is very dissuasive when I'm looking for a way to earn money online.
The one thing about myEcon that I stated was decent is their marketing training, so ostensibly their focus is not on delivering an useful product or service.  As we've seen, they have basically bundled low-value products that are available totally free on line into a home business opportunity.
Having said that, even after going through their training you'll discover if you are not able to continue recruiting people you won't make much money.
To break it down, if you only enroll one person, you'll earn around five - ten bucks per month.
If you sponsor two people, about $20 monthly.
If you sign up 3, you might get $35 from that 3rd person and you will have the ability to make money from the people that they sponsor.
You better hope you get to three.  Understand once you do, even with the residual monthly payments from those under you, you have to sponsor massively to earn anything close to a decent income
I've found significantly better pay plans that pay you full commission instantly and do not rely on sponsoring.
But Don't You Want To Learn How To Give Yourself A Raise & Spend Less On Taxes?
Let's talk about some of the pitches people give you to get you to sign up for myEcon.
"...But you'll be able to give yourself a raise and pay a lot less taxes..."
The thing about this is that you can learn that info absolutely free online.  In fact, much of the information that myEcon teaches you is basic stuff that I assumed everyone knew.
For example, do you want to earn more money every single paycheck you get?
Sure, right?
MyEcon will teach you to that if you claim 2, three, etc. on your W-4, then you'll make more money on your checks.
Cha-ching!...Right?
Well, that's cool and I'm in favor of financial literacy.  But that is basic freely available info you can get on the internet.  So why would you pay myEcon to learn this so-called "income shifting"?
Just use Google!
"But myEcon gives you tax advantages.  You can write so many things off when you have a business..."
Cha-ching!
Not really.
You can do that with ANY business, not only myEcon.  Therefore this isn't even a unique myEcon perk that would justify my continued monthly payment.
"But you learn to repair your credit rating!  That's extremely valuable!  Everyone needs that"
Perhaps.
Yet, you are able to fix your credit score by going to Google too.  MyEcon isn't teaching anything new in this department.
In fact, they actually charge you more if you would like credit monitoring.  Isn't being aware what your credit history at any moment a key part of building up your credit rating?
Moreover, a lot of credit unions already offer you credit monitoring and fraud checks, therefore this is another supposed "benefit" that really does not provide you with any value whatsoever.
MY CONCLUSION
Just save your self the money you’d be paying monthly.
Despite if you're seeing dollar signs with this company, you will find much better companies with way better compensation plans that pay YOU DIRECTLY wihtout don't charge you month to month fees.
If you are trying to raise your credit score, go to Google, learn how to reduce costs, learn dropshipping, keep track of your payment due dates.
If you want travel discounts, just go to priceline
If you want cash back, pay ebates a visit
If you would like roadside assistance, reduce costs with AAA
If you want to manage your cash flow right from your phone, go to Google Play Store
If you want to buy coffee and weight loss supplements...
You should know where to get those without paying almost $40 monthly!
There are plenty of different ways to earn money online.  You can dropship, affiliate market, freelance, blog, etc. etc.  For me personally, mlm businesses are just ways to take money out of your pocket every month.
If you have been looking to generate regular profits online, this is the place to start.
Let's connect: learn free tips on marketing and making money online by joining our Facebook group here.
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