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kareofbears · 3 years

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A really long post about my relationship with persona 5

On the crisp day of november 29, 2019, i bought persona 5 on sale for six dollars. It was the last one on the shelf and i had to fight a random guy for it, even though i had only ever heard of persona from a game theory video. Played it, finished it in four months, thought it was great, but i promised myself i wouldnt play royal because “alex, you just spent 150 hours on this, are you really going to do it again?” so i was like nah, i wont play it. Thats just a waste of 85 dollars CAD, especially when you compare that to the six dollars i spent initially

And then a quirky little pandemic hit the same month that persona 5 royal dropped.

So yeah, i bought royal pretty quickly once i realized that university was going to be completely online. Finished it in 250 hours in 28 days; less than a quarter of what it took me for vanilla.

But the pandemic was not finished in 28 days.

Basically, just like a whole lot of people during 2020 and 2021, i was really fucking depressed and just Not Good At All.

Theres two reasons why i stuck with p5 for so long—one was obviously the timing of it all. Being stuck at home and playing a game that is pretty much a second life because of how in depth the world building and characters are was exactly what i needed at the time. It was the best escape i could have ever asked for. Second, its just a really really good game for me. As someone who literally majors in Cognitive Science with a minor in Political Science, yeah, this game could not have been more perfect for me. Its a game that reradicalized me, that retaught me what its like to see anger as a good thing, and especially fucking everything that happened in 2020, it was literally perfect dude. I mean, ryuji, the angriest boy in the world, became my favorite fictional character, period.

Weirdly enough, the game being so flawed probably also helped me stick around in the fandom for so long. Being angry about something was almost as fun as loving something completely. Ranting about something was as fun as making loving posts about my favorite character. Pointing out flaws in the narrative gives me the same rush as praising the music to high heaven. Hating the fandom was as great as finding someone and befriending them on discord. Everything about p5 sucked me in and kept me in, whether or not it intended it.

Persona 5 is the type of game that is so jam packed with things to talk about that theres no way youll play it and come out of it unscatched. There really is something akin to a ‘post-persona depression’, something that makes you want to keep living in this intricate world with its characters and never-ending playthrough length and its villains and billions of themes that dont make a whole lot of sense. It was easy, so fucking easy to poke fun at it, and i absolutely did. Still do. Will keep doing.

I jumped into fandom head on during that time (that time being 2020). Ive been in many many many fandoms before p5, but i jumped into this one with a fervor in a way that i never had before. I made video edits, learned to gif, lived on pinterest/tumblr/twitter/instagram/pixiv intensely, combing through each and every thing i can find related to persona 5. For months, probably over a year, persona 5 was my saving grace. My lifeline. The call a friend option when you’re in a game show. Id be nothing without it.

I gave my whole life to it. Every video edit took at least 6-12 hours if not more. Gifs took me a week to learn how to do and im still really bad at it (like. Really bad at it. My laptop keeps crashing cause it can barely handle photoshop lmfao). Dozens of spotify playlists, watched every youtube video i could about it, had made youtube videos about it. I talked everyone’s hear off about it—rip my beta, who knows literally every intricacy about the symbolism of running and a broken leg but not knowing jack shit about yaldabaoth (shes never played/watched p5). I made so many posts, fought so many people, befriended so many people.

And writing. Fucking hell did i write. In 2020 alone i posted over 100k—posted. Thats not counting the dozens of half written scribbles i have between google docs and Daiso notebooks (one of them being 23k—rip that Hades AU. rip that NSFW one too). I wrote blinding lights for over three months by hand, escapril in one month, one shots consistently. I had more growth as a writer in the span of a year than i had in my whole life and i thrived at it (even though i wasnt, and still not, very good, i still improved rapidly. Even i can admit that).

For awhile, this was good. Great. I was keeping afloat, mentally, and thats all i needed.

But then my spring semester of 2021 hit. it was by far the worst semester id ever had in my entire life.

My gpa dropped a lot, and for one the classes i was in i was doing so so horribly that i was at a cool 30% for most of the semester, and another i was at a nice 24% for most of the semester, and as someone who is asian and has asian parents with asian mentalities, it was a huge blow to me. Top that off, my best friend and beta had left for six months to go abroad and i started doing not great things. honestly, that was an All Time Low For My Mental Health.

I had taken a break from all social media, and had heavily leaned on persona 5 even more than i was. Anytime I wasn't strapped to my textbooks I was staring at my office wall, or longingly looking outside where i wish i was (at this point, canada had almost no access to vaccines), or thinking about p5. Over and over again, even when there was nothing to think about, I thought about p5. I was at a point where i had well and truly milked everything that the p5 fandom had to offer. I felt that i had seen everything, read everything, had formed every opinion i could, and was just grasping at air. It was so wack—i would literally get fucking sick of thinking about it because everything i was thinking of, i had already thought about hundreds of times before.

I wanted to stay in p5, i was desperate to stay in p5, because i would much rather think about something obsessively and religiously to the point where i was nauseous than think about...life. It was a combination of hating my real life and hating my “alternate reality” that is persona 5.

Strikers came out the same day i had failed all my midterms, but i didnt know it at the time. Actually, that was a really good two weeks—i didnt know i failed my midterms since marks werent out yet, and i got two weeks of NEW persona content. Woohoo! Score for Alex four months ago. She was so happy for a while.

Fast forward a bit. April of 2021? Absolute hell. I had completely stopped participating in p5 at this point to make room for classes, which basically took away the only thing that even remotely made me happy. Not great, besties.

But hey, some good news: i passed all of my classes! I literally cried for half an hour in public and called my mom immediately. She cried too.

May was good, actually. I got my first vaccine, so I could see my friends again. I worked more, got more financially stable after taking so much time off for school. Restrictions were a little more loose, so i went out more. My beta was coming home soon. Got some sunlight. It got better, but you know, depression sticks like glue and refuses to let go. But it got better. I dabbled a little into p5 again, but it was half hearted. I still loved the game, but i didnt know what coming back to the fandom would do for me. It felt like a chore to do, and i was mad at myself, almost. Why am i not enjoying p5 anymore? I love p5.

But p5...wasnt just p5 to me anymore. Its a symbol. It was...everything, i guess. Its a game with so much baggage to me personally. It went from a game that gave me the will to live and turned into something i needed to let go in order to live. I realized, really, really sadly and really, really painfully, that i didnt need p5 anymore. And that hurt. I always knew it would hurt when id eventually leave p5 behind.

So i processed this in the only way i knew how—writing. I said that i would write something that represents everything i was feeling, every ounce of depression and anguish and loneliness and self hatred, and id put it in one, neat little story that also works as a goodbye to my favorite game. I gave myself a time frame: one month. July 3rd. Ryuji’s birthday.

And i did it. Its the longest fic id ever written, my magnum opus, my starry night. The rawest piece of me, in one big google doc. I had given this everything i had, because it is everything i had.

I felt like fucking hamilton bro. I had never written so fast, and felt so free doing it. I wrote things i had always been too scared to write—a yusuke and futaba scene (yusuke in general i was terrified of writing cause i felt i could never get him right), haru being cool, ann being a little more selfish, ryuji hating himself so so so much. Emotional kissing scenes, more argument scenes, more battle sequences, a poetic ferris wheel love scene, a mystery box type of narrative, an unreliable narrative. Jokes that i thought were funny but i was worried other people might not think it was funny. Cool scene transitions, so many em dashes, so many semi colons. Ten million metaphors.

This was it. This was going to be my goodbye to these characters who had kept my company during the worst stage of my life (thus far). It didnt matter what sort of reception i got for this fic—whether it got a thousand comments or one. A million kudos or none. It literally doesn't matter. Because this wasnt for anyone but me, processing my own problems, and the characters i wrote about. It was my swan song. It was my tribute to these kids, but they felt more than that. It was saying goodbye to, and this may sound really sad, but it was like saying goodbye to real friends that had saved my life.

And im not saying i dont love p5 anymore, no fucking way. It will always be my favorite game, because of everything it means to me. Ill probably be buried and have p5v/r in my coffin with me as i'm lowered in. but theres nothing more for me here. I cant give anyone anything anymore, whether if its for the hypothetical you or myself. I feel like the end of the lorax, where the forest is all gone and its just me, looking at an empty field of stumps and dead grass.

Hell, this doesnt even mean that im completely done with p5. I mean, when it comes to the pc and the switch or whatever else atlus is planning on doing, im sure there’ll be a mini fandom boom which will be cool. But i want to get to the point where p6 news will drop eventually and ill think “wow! Fantastic!” instead of being relieved at finding another thing to cling to. I want to enjoy it like a normie for once.

I'm actually enjoying lots of different content now, which i had been too scared to do before in fear of “losing my love of persona” (wow, that sounds crazy looking back on it, but i was super serious about this). Im in the middle of playing assassins creed odyssey and im going to play Nier automata next. Im almost done watching violet evergarden (ive cried at least five times in ten episodes, its so good). I finished rewatching JJK with my beta whos finally home. I discovered lots of new artists and new songs, and i'm going to a lake trip with my best friends next week, and a trip with my family in two weeks. Im going on hangouts with my coworkers, which had been impossible to do in the past because i was so scared of the idea of being with new people. And i took a break from school for the summer, because thats the healthy thing to do.

I'm doing a lot better, i promise.

I dont know what this post is supposed to be. Telling you my mental health? No, not really. Maybe its because i wanted to give you guys a heads up that im peeling away from p5? Eh, i guess, but not that either. This isnt a cry for help, or written so that someone out there would pity me or worse, made so that this would make you want to read my fic. God fucking forbid you think i made this so i could get a handful more kudos on ao3 asoiajdasasidjao

I think this post is more of...a diary entry for my future self, and anyone who bothers reading it can go ahead and read it if theyd like. Maybe you felt the same as me at some point, and take solace in the fact that someone out there feels the same about a random jrpg?

If you actually read this, that probably means that youre probably one of the people who made being in this wasteland of a fandom really fun and worth it. So thank you, friend. We’re probably friends by now, right? At least a buddy. Maybe a coworker? Basically, thank you, whoever ‘you’ is. Thank you for reading, thank you for being there (even if you never interacted! I still thank you!), thank you for....existing in the same space as me.

I hope you find comfort in your life, and are healthy. I hope you get some sun. i hope you’re doing well.

#mine #we did it lads! we did it.#long post #p5

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surveysonfleek · 3 years

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1595.

1. Do you like zombie movies? no i dont. ive never liked anything zombie related. 2. What’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? shit and blood on the toilet seat, multiple times. my last workplace was horrible and it was an employees only bathroom. i just cant believe some women out there. 3. What’s the most wasteful thing you regularly do? this hahaha. tiktok even. 4. What’s the most difficult apology you’ve ever had to give? im...not sure? im the type of person that will only apologise if i truly mean it so i cant say any of them have been particularly difficult 5. What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen? out of the 12 years ive been dating, i havent asked for dating advice much

6. Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to? no and probably not unless i turned rich and didnt have a job 7. What was your worst Halloween costume? a devil haha, it made it worse coz my two friends were bald ghosts. it was a bad idea lol but we were kids 8. Who has/had the worst reputation in your graduating class? this was so long ago i wouldnt even remember their names 9. When was the first time you can remember feeling mature? when i got my period bahaha. lame reason but i felt like a ~woman~ 10. Have you ever had a disappointing Christmas, or any disappointing holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas? nah, i like christmases. its a reason to eat and get presents 11. Do you have any character bandaids in your house right now, or just plain ones? plain 12. Have you ever had to give a pet away? no, but my sister gave away her rabbit to a family friend 13. What’s the junkiest junk food you’ve ever eaten? ive had a personal charcuterie as a snack before lmao, that cant be healthy 14. Did you play pretend a lot as a child? Were there any recurring plots or themes? yeah, id just play ‘house’ a lot. pretending to cook and clean 15. How do you feel about runny egg yolks? hate them, theyre disgusting! i need the yolk fully cooked to be able to eat it 16. Has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong? nothing comes to mind 17. If for some reason you had to give up one of your hobbies, which would you choose? tiktok lol 18. Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family? yes but not for too long 19. How much do you know about first aid? nothing... i know how to tend a minor cut only 20. Which of your relatives do you know the least about? hmm my oldest cousins on my dad’s side. i met them like once when i was a kid 21. Have you ever meditated? If so, did it do anything for you? no 22. Have you ever given advice to someone who was much older than you? yes haha 23. Have you ever used a view-master? are they those red things with the disc things? if so, yes 24. Do you ever listen to talk radio or podcasts? If you do, what are some of your favorite shows? yes. i listen to stupid ones, not true crime like everyone else lmao. i love big mood, wild til 9, no chaser, fool coverage and canceled. 25. When was the last time you got ice cream from a truck? LMAO. 3 weeks ago hahaha. 26. Are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now? not that i know of 27. Do you know any sex workers? If so, how do they feel about their job? i dont know anyone personally 28. What’s the biggest art project you’ve ever attempted? How did it go? ive gotten into painting atm. im experimenting on small canvases atm so its been pretty easy 29. What kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live? ducks, swans, lizards, birds. theres been a lot of snakes spotted which is a bit scary 30. Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire? tbh... no lol. 31. Are there any items in your house that you use for something other than its intended purpose? nah, nothing interesting. for example, ive used old candle jars to propagate plant cuttings lol 32. What do you hope the afterlife is like? im not sure. i hope i love wherever it may be 33. What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen from a child? idk, i cap it at when the kids hit their parents. 34. Have you ever planned an act of revenge? haha no 35. Do you and your parents share any of the same hobbies? nah, diff generations lmao 36. Do you think it’s more exciting or scary to get older? both! i hate the idea of actually fully adulting :( 37. How was the reception of the last wedding you attended? it was cool! it was an old friend that we hadnt spoken to in years so we were surprised we were invited. 38. Do you have any physical photo albums? yes 39. Would you feel comfortable working at a sex shop? no, i dont know anything about the shit they would sell 40. Who was the worst friend you ever had? lmao ive had theeeee most toxic friends before toxic was a thing! its true what they say, the older u get, the less friends u have and im happy with my crew now 41. What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made? idk tbh 42. Have you ever campaigned for a political candidate, or otherwise played an active role in an election? no lol 43. What’s the coolest hand-me-down you’ve ever gotten? What about the best one you’ve ever given? haha nothing cool. i gave my old kindle to my sister. 44. Do your parents and grandparents get along with each other? yeah, from what i saw i guess

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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firestarterrr · 4 years

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do all the questions cuz im both nosy and a shit

😂😂😂 You are a shit, that took forever, but it gave me something to do so cheers 😂👍

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I dooo, we're not like best mates, but we don't argue much..

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My son Brodi, I tell him at least 20 times a day 😂😬🤷🏻‍♀️ he probably gets fed up with me tbh 😂

03: Do you regret anything? Absolutely not, wouldnt be where I am now if things happened differently..

04: Are you insecure? Yes 🙃

05: What is your relationship status? I'm in a relationship 😬☺️

06: How do you want to die? I've always said I want to be eaten by sharks cause it'd be pretty sick 😂🦈 and the shark would get a tasty snack 😬

07: What did you last eat? A ham and cheese salad pitta with lots of onion and mayo, I'm obsessed with them, reyt good 🐷

08: Played any sports? Not since primary school when I played netball 😂😂😂 I'm not a sporty person 🤷🏻‍♀️

09: Do you bite your nails? Alllll the bloody time 😩

10: When was your last physical fight? I've never been in an actual fight.. Play fight all the time though.. And loose all the time too 🙃

11: Do you like someone? Meh, my boyfriends alright I guess 😏😏

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Probably not quite 48 hours but I was awake for what felt like forever when I went to Leeds fest

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Don't think so.. I let go of shit easy, so if you piss me off I'll l be mad for a while and then get over it and be fine.

14: Do you miss someone? Yup, Jamie's at work and babs asleep 😔 and my gran and grandpa 💙

15: Have any pets? A hedgehog called meeko, he's a grumpy little shit 🦔

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Pretty wank to be fair 😬🙃

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? I have..

18: Are you scared of spiders? Nah I like them, unless one crawls on me without me knowing, I'll probably just jump, can't stand it when people kill them 😒

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? To see my grand parents, aye definitely

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Fucking hate that word 😩😩

21: What are your plans for this weekend? I'm starting a new job and I'm not looking forward to it cause I've got to be there for 7 and I like my sleep 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? I've always wanted 2 but after having Brodi, I wouldn't say no to more, it's the best thing ever.. I just know I won't be allowed any more than 2😂

23: Do you have piercings? Two in each lobe, tragus, top of ear, septum, belly, tongue and nipples but I had to take them out for breastfeeding 😬

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Probably art.. I used to absolutely hate school so I never liked any lessons, I didn't have many friends and we were never in the same class, so I'd just sit on my own and just count down the minutes till hometime 🙃

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? Yeah loads of people, but you just drift apart from friends sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️

26: What are you craving right now? 🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I think so.. I felt awful but it just wasn't working 😔

28: Have you ever been cheated on? Yup

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yeah

30: What’s irritating you right now? Where do I start?!?

31: Does somebody love you? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they do 🙄

32: What is your favourite color? I can't pick favourites 😩 I like yellow, orange, red, black and blue though 😬

33: Do you have trust issues? Does anyone not have trust issues?

34: Who/what was your last dream about? Ahh, I have no idea, I always have the weirdest dreams though

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Jamie 😂

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? Yessss, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing..

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Easier to forgive and move on there's no point holding grudges on people, waste of time 🤷🏻‍♀️

38: Is this year the best year of your life? I wouldn't say the best with everything that's going on, but it's not the worst..

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? Probably about 16..

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Nope

51: Favourite food? I love most food 😂 Chinese, crisps, donuts, vegetables, cheese, garlic, pasta, mash potato.. 😬🐷

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yessss

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Kissed Jamie and told him I love him

54: Is cheating ever okay? Nope, but I can understand it in certain situations..

55: Are you mean? I don't think so 🥺

56: How many people have you fist fought? None

57: Do you believe in true love? I dooo

58: Favourite weather? Chilly and breezy but warm sun 😬

59: Do you like the snow? I loveeee the snow ⛄⛄⛄⛄⛄

60: Do you wanna get married? Yesss, I can't wait for it, Jamie's hasn't got the hint yet 🙄😂

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Nope, I hate it so much 😂 bab on the other hand..

62: What makes you happy? My family/friends, food, hugs, hearing Brodi laugh, aniamls, music, reassurance, being in bed..

63: Would you change your name? Nah, when I was younger I hated my name but now I love it

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? No, I'll just wait until he's finished work..

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Say I'm sorry but I don't feel the same

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? Jamie.. Sometimes I feel bad cause I can be reyt weird 😂 but so can he so its all good

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Erm.. My boss 😒

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jamie not long ago

69: Do you believe in soul mates? I doo

70: Is there anyone you would die for? Of course, Brodi, Jamie, mum, dad and sister and a few friends 😂

I wonder if anyone actually reads all this.. 🤔

#aboutme #ask

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crystalninjaphoenix · 5 years

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One Short Day

A JSE Fanfic

Yay, I wrote something that isn’t connected to pain for once in my life! Or at least, the most you get are hints and maybe a moment. I was planning on working on something else, but...I don’t know, I just felt like I needed something softer, and I’m sure there are people who need that too. So behold, an attempt at mostly-fluff! I just wanted to write the boys having fun out on the town, simple enough ^-^

It was rare that there was a full day they could all be together. A day where Schneep wasn’t working, Chase wasn’t recording, Marvin didn’t have a show, and Jackie didn’t have to bolt off at the last minute to do heroic vigilantism. A day where they could just do whatever they wanted, all of them, together.

They met up at Jackie’s apartment building. Naturally, JJ arrived first, then Schneep and Chase at about the same time. Just when they were starting to get worried, Marvin showed up, sprinting up to the group and skidding to a halt beside them.

“Late again, I see?” Jackie said when Marvin finally caught his breath. “Maybe we should just tell you we’re meeting thirty minutes earlier than we actually are.”

“Gimme a break.” Marvin rolled his eyes. “My phone was out of battery so I couldn’t check the time, then I got distracted.”

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “With what?”

“Um...” Marvin looked away, embarrassed. “I may have started playing Plague Inc...for an hour...or more.”

“Dude. Set a timer next time or something,” Chase said. “Ask JJ if you can borrow one of his watches if you have to, I dunno, anything.”

“Enough of this, we are wasting minutes,” Schneep said, checking his own watch. “Jackie decided what to do, what is it?”

Jackie immediately brightened. “Okay, so, we all know JJ hasn’t seen much of the town.” Everyone nodded. “So I thought we could give him the grand tour! Get lunch, go to the park, and I think the fair is open tonight so we can finish with that. That good with everyone?”

“So we’re just gonna walk all over town?” Chase asked. ��Only two of us can drive, and none of us have a car right now.”

“Toughen up, Chase, walking’s good for you!” Marvin teased. “Right? Schneep, you’re a doctor, tell him I’m right.”

“He’s right,” Schneep said.

“See?!”

JJ snapped his fingers for attention. I thought we were wasting time? I certainly can’t lead the way, so I’ll ask one of you to.

“Right!” Jackie started off. “C’mon guys, lunch is waiting for us!”

They ended up at a local restaurant near the center of town called Kassie’s. It was a quaint little place, and since it was a warm day they decided to sit at a table outside. The chipper waitress gave them a plate of free fries, then took their order, and headed back inside.

“Is it just me, or is it kind of hot today?” Chase asked, fanning himself with some of the napkins.

“No, it’s not just you. God, I’m dying,” Jackie agreed.

“Jackie, you are not only wearing long sleeves, you are wearing two layers of them,” Schneep pointed out with a smile.

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Mr. Sweater-all-the-time!” Jackie rolled his eyes. “What about Jays? He’s got that vest/dress shirt on.”

JJ looked aghast. You four can run around and show your arms all you like, but I’ll have you know it isn’t proper for a gentleman!

“Are you implying we aren’t gentlemen?” Marvin asked, right before tossing a fry into the air and catching it in his mouth.

JJ raised an eyebrow. Indeed.

“I don’t care, it’s hot. I’m taking this off.” With a few flailing arms, Jackie pulled his hoodie over his head and tugged it off, revealing a Marvel-themed T-shirt underneath. “Ah. That’s better.” He looked around to see the others staring at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“Holy shit, Jackie!” Chase yelled. “Your arm!”

“Wh—oh fuck I forgot I was wearing short sleeves today.” Jackie looked down at his left arm. “Yeah, okay, I got scars, you can look all you want.”

“So that’s why I’ve never seen you in T-shirts,” Marvin realized. “Jackie, what the fuck happened?”

Jackie frowned, then coughed awkwardly. “Y’know...I’d rather not talk about it right now. Maybe later. Besides, Schneep already knows the story. ‘S how we met.”

“Honestly, you three are making mountains out of mole hills,” Schneep said. “Is fine now. You should see his torso, now those are scars.”

That only made the other three look more worried. Jackie sighed. “Look, guys, we’re having a fun day. We’re gonna have fun, and not gonna get all concerned, though I do appreciate it. And you—” he glared at Schneep “—need to stop saying that, ‘cause it makes it sound like I lost some epic battle instead of just having top surgery.”

Chase and Marvin relaxed in unison. “I’m still convinced you have, I dunno, fucking bullet scars or something,” Marvin muttered as Chase pulled the remains of the fries towards him.

“Oh yeah, but Schneep’s talking about the surgery. He’s done this before, and it’s no longer funny!” Jackie looked pointedly at Schneep when saying that last part, who just responded with a massive grin.

JJ was the only one who still looked concerned, but now that was paired with confusion. He looked around at the others. What is top surgery?

You could almost hear the hiss as the others all inhaled sharply in unison. They’d all forgotten for a moment that JJ didn’t know. Schneep cleared his throat. “Jackie, would you like to explain?”

“Right yeah. God, where do I start with this?” There was a slight pause in the conversation as the waitress returned with their food. The moment she was out of earshot, Jackie started up again. “Alright, so...” he leaned forward, hands clasped together, eyes wide and nervous. “You know how I call myself Jackieboy Man, right?”

JJ nodded. A moniker I never understood, but yes.

“Well, I didn’t always call myself that. Neither did anyone else. Because, well, they all thought that...I was a, uh, girl. Even I did. For the longest time I just sort of...accepted it. I only started to figure it out in high school. I got my first job, and one of the customers called me ‘that nice lady,’ and hearing it...just sort of surprised me. Like someone gave the wrong answer to a really easy test question. So...I started thinking, and eventually I realized that I wasn’t...actually a girl. That was when I renamed myself.”

JJ didn’t look any less confused. Why would they not understand that? Wouldn’t they be able to...see that you are not?

Jackie winced. “Well, no...you see, I...fuck.” Jackie put his head in his hands, took a deep breath, then looked up again. “I was born...in the wrong body. Top surgery is...it’s to get rid of the parts I didn’t want. Are you...are you getting this now?”

After a moment, JJ’s eyes widened. He nodded hesitantly.

“Okay. Good. Great.” Jackie sighed. “I don’t know if this word existed in the twenties, but nowadays we have ‘transgender’ as...a thing. When someone is something other than what their body is born as. I’m still a he. Or, just, anything but she, really. Literally call me anything but a girl. And please, don’t ask about what my name was before. Or what’s...down there. Those questions make me...really uncomfortable.”

My good man! JJ signed. Why would I do such a rude thing? And to my dear friend, nonetheless.

Jackie’s shoulders slumped. He leaned back in his chair and exhaled in relief. He’d been dreading this conversation, but better to rip the bandaid off now. “Thanks, man. I...appreciate your understanding.”

JJ smiled. No trouble at all, Jackie! I may not fully grasp the concept, but that’s no reason to disrespect your wishes.

“If you want, I can answer questions. Just...later. And as long as you get I don’t represent everyone who’s trans.”

JJ nodded and gave a thumbs-up. There was silence for a moment, before Chase broke it by saying “Hey, guys, I made a Jenga tower out of fries.”

Schneep rolled his eyes, and immediately knocked over Chase’s tower.

“Aw you bitch!” Chase gasped. “You didn’t even play the game right!”

“Fuck your games. Actually eat the food like it’s supposed to be.”

“You’re just jealous cause you got a salad instead.”

“Maybe I am! Did you think of that?!”

“Dude, I just said I did!”

The rest of lunch was covered in the blanket of familiar banter. Jackie smiled to himself. God, he was so glad nothing changed.

About two hours later, the boys had made their way to the southern part of the city. That was where the park was. It had an official name, but everyone just called it “the park” because there was only one of them and it was shorter. The park itself was pretty big, with trees, paths, flowerbeds, and two playgrounds at either end.

Since it was the middle of the afternoon, there were quite a few families with young children hanging around, parents watching their kids climb all over the jungle gyms and pushing them on the swings. While Marvin and Jackie walked ahead, pulling JJ with them and talking his ears off, Chase and Schneep hung back a bit. Chase was staring at the families on the playground.

“Chase? Are you okay?” Schneep asked gently.

“Yeah...yeah, I’m fine. It’s not a down day.” Schneep gave him a Look. “No, really! It’s just...y’know, seeing all the kids kinda bums me out. You know?”

“Of course I do, Chase,” Schneep said. He was probably the only one of the boys who did. “If you are feeling upset, you can go home.”

“No! God, no, that’s not what I meant at all. This has been good so far. I don’t want it to end.” Chase frowned. “Now I’m just...man. I’m starting to lose it.”

“Chase.” Schneep grabbed his hand. “If you are not enjoying yourself, we can always go do something more quiet. We would hate to push you to do something you are not up to.”

Chase considered it for a moment, then shook his head. “Nah, it’s not too bad. It helps that you guys are here, I think. But I’ll let you know...if it gets too much.”

Schneep gave him a long look, before finally judging that everything was alright. “Okay. You have to do that, or I am going to break into your home at night and yell at you for lying.”

“Okay, okay, I get the idea,” Chase laughed. He looked down at their clasped hands. “You’re not worried people are gonna think we’re a couple, then?”

“What? Oh. Is there no such thing as regular hand-holding in this country?! Besides, it should not fucking matter. Also you are not my type anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re not mine, either. You’re a guy.” Chase and Schneep both had a good laugh at that.

Marvin looked over his shoulder at the two of them. “Are you two gonna walk fast or what?”

“Or what,” Chase said with a smirk.

“Oh, you’re hilarious. A fucking comedic genius. Hey guys!” he said that last part to Jackie and JJ. “We’re gonna slow down so these two assholes can join us.”

“Marvin, how dare you,” Schneep said, mock-offended. “At least be more creative in your insulting us.”

“No.” The two mini-groups merged together to form the main group once again. “So what’re you two talking about?”

“Chase is worried that hand-holding makes a couple,” Schneep tattled.

“Bullshit,” Marvin stated. Jackie went “yeah!” in the background. JJ frowned at the use of language, but nodded. “What makes a couple is the kissing. And romantic interest in each other, which leads to the former.”

“You say, having not been on a date in at least five months,” Jackie muttered.

“Shut your stupid face, you...lovely person.” Marvin pulled his wand out of his pocket and twirled it, like he did when he was nervous. “We’ve all been kinda busy lately.”

“Yeah...that’s true,” Jackie sighed. “But maybe if you went out more, you could find someone you could go out with. Just once, if a commitment isn’t your thing right now.”

Marvin frowned. “Why in the wide world of wingmen would I go on a date once deliberately?”

“A night of fun?” Schneep suggested.

“With a complete stranger that I have no interest in? No. I need to have some intrigue in whoever they end up being.”

“None of you are gonna get anywhere with him,” Chase said. “He doesn’t get one-night stands.”

“Damn right I don’t! There’s no point!”

And it just seems improper, JJ signed. If you aren’t going to court someone, don’t approach them at all.

“Marvin! You have an ally!” Jackie gasped.

“Good. Finally, someone who agrees with me.” Marvin held up his hand and, after a moment of figuring out, JJ high-fived it. “Yeah! There we go, you got it!”

Jackie checked the time on his phone. “Alright, it’s starting to get a bit late. If we want to get enough time at the fair, we’re gonna have to book it to the eastern side.”

They didn’t actually run the whole way there, despite Jackie wanting to. By the time they got to the fair the sun was starting to set. They bought tickets and headed inside, where the Ferris wheel and the roller coaster towered over the smaller rides and the carnival games. It was a weekday, but it was one of the first days the fair was open, so the fairgrounds were crowded but not packed.

Chase gasped. “Games. We can do the games first.”

You do realized they’re all rigged, right? JJ asked.

“Who cares? They’re fun! Games now.”

Soon, the others started to suspect that the reason Chase was so eager to play games was because he knew he would win every time. The dude was scarily good. A combination of sheer luck, skill, and fuck-it-let’s-take-a-chance-ness led to many more victories than the others, something Marvin and Schneep immediately called him out for.

“You are cheating, I am sure of it!” Schneep huffed, folding his arms.

“Nah, just have a knack for it. And, in this case, practice.” Chase tossed one of the wooden balls back and forth while he waited for the carnival worker to hand him his prize. “Ya gotta aim for a bit above the spot where the third jug sits on top of the other two, then throw hard. It’s a bit of an arc.”

“No, you’re a cheater,” Marvin asserted, muttering darkly.

“Aw, c’mon! Here, will this make you less salty?” Chase accepted his stuffed prize from the worker, then handed it right over to Marvin. “I got it for you! You like cats.”

Marvin glared down at the plushie. “You’re lucky it has a cute face,” he said.

“See?!” Chase smiled. He was actually having a good time. It was a good change of pace from the park.

Eventually, everyone had a prize except for JJ. They were running out of games to play, but then Jackie spotted one of those ‘find the ball under the shuffling cups.’ “Hey guys, you up for that one?”

JJ brightened. I’m actually quite skilled at those!

“Well, then, let’s go!” Jackie pulled him over, the others in tow.

The carnival worker was calling out the rules of the game. “You get one, you win one of these lovely roses, you get two in a row, you win one of these tiny fellows here, and you get three in a row, you win one of these adorable penguins! Step right up, step right up!”

“Hey!” Jackie waved to get the worker’s attention. “We want to play!”

“Well then, young sirs, the rules are simple. Keep your eye on the ball, see right here, right here, it’s under the middle cup. Now watch as I take the cup this way, then that, then this and oh look at that! It’s goin’ fast, it’s goin’ fast don’t lose it don’t lose it! Now, which one is the ball under?”

Jackie was fairly sure he knew where it was, but he turned to JJ anyway. “So, which one?” he asked.

JJ bit his lip, then reached forward to point at one of the cups...only for the worker to slap his hand away. “I’m sorry sir, please don’t touch the cups. To prevent tamperin’, see? Just tell me.”

JJ looked a bit stunned at the worker’s aggressive tone. But he signed It’s under the left one.

“Excuse me?”

“He says it’s under the left one,” Marvin jumped in.

“...ah, I see.” The worker lifted up the cup to reveal the ball. “Seems you were right. Do you want to try again?”

The boys glanced uneasily between each other. The worker’s tone had dropped from the polite-carnival talk to one that was a bit...short. She was also talking much slower than she was before, drawing out the vowel sounds. “He can hear you perfectly fine,” Chase said. “He just can’t talk.”

“Mmm...I see...” The worker pursed her lips. “Do you want to try again?”

They all nodded. The worker was silent this time as she shuffled the cups, faster than before. When she stopped, she looked at Jackie. “Which one is the ball under?”

Jackie had a vague idea where, but he wasn’t sure. “JJ, do you know?”

The left one again, JJ signed, less enthusiastically.

“The left,” Jackie translated.

The worker frowned as she revealed the ball under the left cup. “You boys aren’t cheating, are you? Those weird gestures seem like symbols.”

Marvin laughed bitterly. “Yeah, they’re symbols alright. They stand for words. Do you not know how sign language fucking works? He’s telling us the answers ‘cause he’s the best one at it. Now let’s do this one more time.”

The worker shuffled the cups impossibly fast. Once more, she asked Jackie where the ball was. This time, he had no idea, and just looked at JJ. JJ, in turn, stiffened a bit, eyes hardening. It’s under the right one, though I wouldn’t put it past her to sneak it up her sleeve.

“Right,” all the boys said in unison.

The worker reluctantly lifted up the rightmost cup to show the ball sitting underneath. “Congratulations,” she said dully. “You win one of the big prizes. What color do you want?”

Turquoise, JJ signed. “Turquoise,” Jackie translated.

They walked away from the booth in silence. After a few moments of walking, Marvin said, “I could totally put a curse on her.”

“No,” Jackie said firmly.

“Just one little spell. She can lose her voice for a week.”

JJ shook his head, then tucked his prize under his arm so he could use his hands to sign. Revenge is never the best answer.

“It’s what she deserves!” Marvin snarled. “She was making that difficult on purpose. I saw her, she was going much slower with the customers before us. JJ, I’m so absolutely sorry on her behalf, cause god knows she’s not gonna fucking apologize.”

It’s okay, JJ insisted. Believe it or not, I’ve faced worse, especially in my day. They were much less friendly back then.

“I am sure you are not using that word in the correct meaning,” Schneep mumbled.

Marvin shoved his hand into the pocket containing his wand. “One hex. Come on. Just one. I won’t even make her ears fall off or anything.”

Everyone refused to let Marvin curse the carnival worker, and he reluctantly relented. At this point, they’d finished with the games, and all that was left were the rides. They took turns, one or two of them sitting out to watch the accumulated prizes while the others spun and flew and then stumbled off the rides. After trying most of the rides out, they took a snack break for ice cream and cotton candy.

“I think the Ferris wheel is the only one left,” Jackie said. “Unless we want to catch that sideshow thing. There’s supposed to be magicians—”

“Fake,” Marvin interrupted.

“—clowns, animals, and they advertised a knife-thrower—”

Schneep nearly choked on his ice cream. “No.”

“Okay, got it. No show then.” Jackie nodded. “But I’m not too sure about the Ferris wheel. I know at least one of us is afraid of heights.”

“Yeah, uh, me.” Chase bit his lip. “But I think I’ll be fine if I don’t look over the edge. Unless someone else doesn’t want to go on it, then I’ll stay off with them.”

“I’m good,” Jackie said. “Schneep? Marv? Either of you scared of heights?” Both of them shook their heads. “Alright. JJ?”

JJ signed, A bit, but after all these dizzy rides, I’ll take something calm like the Ferris wheel, if you please.

“Alright. Guess we’re going on the wheel, then!”

Night had truly fallen by this point. The Ferris wheel wasn’t exceptionally tall, but it still rose above everything else in the fair, providing a fantastic view of the colored lights below. Instead of having the traditional two-person seats, this wheel had booths that could fit up to eight people, so all the boys fit into one just fine. The wheel turned, and the booth turned with it. Chase squirmed, resolutely not looking over the side. Jackie and Marvin did the exact opposite, practically leaning out of the booth to look down below.

JJ tapped Schneep, signing something real quick. Schneep nodded, then yelled “Can you two stop that?! You are going to fall out of the fucking side, and you are making Jamie nervous.”

“Oh, sorry.” Jackie sat back down.

“Aww,” Marvin groaned, but pulled back into his seat. “I hope you know I do this for you, JJ.”

JJ smiled. Thank you, it’s appreciated. And I’m sure your body feels the same way, having narrowly avoided a fall to great injury.

“Nah, I would’ve been fine.”

The wheel stopped. Their booth was right at the top. “Oh, fuck,” Chase muttered, covering his eyes with his hands.

“You know, you didn’t have to come,” Jackie said quietly. “We would’ve been alright letting you stay down on the ground.”

Chase peeked between his hands. “I know. But...it’s really nice up here. Quiet. And with just you guys. As long as I ignore the distance from the ground, I’m good. You’re my friends, you know, and you make everything better.”

“Oh, Chase,” Marvin gasped. “That’s...really sweet!”

“What? Didn’t think we where friends?”

“It’s...always nice to be reminded.” Marvin smiled softly.

Well then consider this your reminder, Marvin! JJ wiggled his mustache happily. I consider you all my friends, maybe even family. You are all wonderful people and I love having you in my life!

“Nooo, stop.” It was hard to see in the dark, only lit up by the lightbulbs on the Ferris wheel, but it was possible that Marvin was actually blushing.

“You know what? I love you guys.” Jackie grinned. “Not afraid to admit it! Best friends I’ve ever had.”

Schneep cleared his throat. “Yes, I feel the same. You are all great people, and I am fortunate to have met you. I...love you as well.”

“Aaaahck!” Marvin appeared to be trying to fold into himself. “Too much love! Fatality!”

Chase chuckled. “Marvin! Accept our love!”

We love you, Marvin! JJ signed eagerly. Now you have to say it back!

Marvin made a strange sort of groaning exhale before inhaling deeply, calming down. “Yeah...I—I love you guys too. God, I love you guys so much. You should all know that.”

“There we go!” Jackie said, triumphant. “Marvin, you are, truly, the emotionally constipated one. And I thought Schneep was the worst.”

“Excuse me?!” Schneep gasped. “I assure you I am very love-sharing. I just do not use words too much because they are complicated.”

“Understandable,” Chase shrugged. “I can barely speak half the time, and I was born in English.”

I thought you were born in Ireland, JJ signed, amused.

“Oh, you know what I mean!”

The Ferris wheel started lowering, stopping and starting as it let passengers off. The boys stepped out of the booth and onto land once again.

JJ yawned. I must say that I’m rather tired after all this. I think it’s time we go home.

“Yeah, I’m starting to feel it,” Jackie agreed.

“You all are weak!” Marvin countered. “I’m good for another couple hours.”

“Watch you crash immediately upon entering your room,” Chase laughed.

“Oh, shut up.”

“I think JJ is right,” Jackie said. “It’s time to go home.”

Schneep nodded. “Yes, I could stay up longer, but I have morning shift tomorrow so I should not push my luck. I will see you all later?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Course, dude!”

“Definitely.”

Count on it!

With that, they left the fair. Eventually they split up, each heading their own separate ways until they eventually got to wherever they were staying that night. Some went to sleep immediately, some stayed up a bit later, but eventually they all went to bed.

And when they decided to do it, none of them had trouble for once.

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye fanfiction #jacksepticegos #septic egos #jackieboy man #marvin the magnificent #chase brody #dr schneeplestein #jameson jackson #brigid writes fanfiction

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anuknowha · 5 years

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Till Death Do We Part// Chapter 8, Selena’s Window

Yolanda sat there in her cell, marking yet another day on the wall. It's been over 24 years, over 8,760 days from when she was first convicted for her heinous crime. It felt like time would constantly move slow, the clock in her room would tick slowly, second by second passing. The ticks would be loud at some points, and at others, they would die down. Those sounds of the clock would ring through her ears and almost drive her mad. It was too constant, it was as if it were something she couldn’t get away from. Time itself was a constant reminder for her, it made her remember her mistakes. It made her remember when she killed Selena.

Currently, at her place on the floor, she was staring at the bunk bed in front of her that was always dormant. They refused to partner her up with anyone, she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve the company, she was meant to be alone. It pissed her off, she hated it but she knew this was the placed she earned in this world.

A curse left her breath as she was called out of her cell for lunch. She had forgotten what time it was. She looked outside her cell and there was a guard, standing ready with a key to unlock her from her prison so that she could be taken to me the mess hall.

“Come on Saldivar, its lunch time.” the guard beckoned as she grabbed her wrist roughly and led her to the cafeteria.

This was the only time that she was able to see other people, but she wasn’t allowed to communicate with them. She would watch them from a distance, as they would look in her direction and spit in it. And speaking of spit, she has been spit on multiple times by other inmates who even knew she had went to far. It didn’t matter what they did, or how long they were in for, they all hated her, despised her, all except a couple. The few who were supported were marked as “crazy”, they would sit as close to her as they possibly could; winking and smiling at her every time they passed her cell, or even just to get food.

They thought it was brave to the star out, they were always jealous of her fame and fortune.

“What does she have that I don’t have? A pretty face? I had one hell of a face before I was stuck in here, I could’ve been a star.” “She didn’t deserve to be so successful. I’ve seen girls prettier than her and she still got to the top of the charts.” “She ain’t make it look that hard, I bet anyone of us could’ve done this. We could’ve done this.” “Hell yeah we could’ve. Waste of time to think that she was going to actually see the end of her career. Thank goodness we had Yolanda here to stop her.” These were some of the things that had been said about her. They wanted to show their support. In their eyes, she was the most successful person there, she actually achieved something that most couldn’t or even feared to do. And with that they cheered her on, and worshiped her like a god.

It wasn’t always the same set of women, after all she’s been here for 24 years and not everyone was still there. Her first group was out on parole after her 9th year there. Second group was gone about a year or two ago. This third group seemed like they were here to stay, well at least one of them was. She was one of the girls from the last group, and older woman, placed back here because she decided to murder her boyfriend. The first time, she was in here for bank robbery. This woman just didn’t know when to quit, but Yolanda wasn’t surprised. She actually grew quite fond of her. And when her security walked away she would move to their table, admiring her admirers and listening to them talk about her success. She would laugh with them, and enjoy listening to their stories of how they ended up here and what they plan to do when they get out, no matter how violent their decisions were. But when her guard came back she rushed back to her lonesome table, wondering how long it would take before she could talk to her “friends” once again. It was the only thing she enjoyed, and it was the only thing to make her feel powerful.

After she finished her sandwich for today, her guard took her back to the cell that she hated. It was her home, and although it was now only 2 o clock, she was tired. She climbed into the bottom bunk and curled up, grabbing the pillow tightly and sighing into it. To be honest, she regretted everything, being part of the fan club and even meeting Selena in the first place. She wish she never knew about her, and maybe, just maybe she still would’ve been out living her life today.

She continued to think about the thing that landed her in this prison of life, one that she would more than likely spend the rest of her life in. She didn’t expect to be out for parole, even when the time comes, she was expecting everyone to never forgive her. If she got out, everyone would despise her, she won’t be able to get a job, and she’ll be struggling to maintain herself. After all, she was going to be over 60; almost old enough to get her social security and yet she wouldn’t have worked in over 30 years. She was going to be broke, she was never going to regain her life. And with that, she tried to clear her mind.

At dinner, she felt strange, she felt as if something was different, as if someone was watching her. She was slightly paranoid the whole time, watching everyone in the dining hall as they walked past her to their tables. It seemed like no one was paying her mind, and not even her biggest fans were looking in her direction today.

“I think her being in here as made her a little crazy.” one teased as she lifted her index finger to her head and rotated it in a circular motion.

“She’s been in here so long, what do you expect?” another one said.

“Maybe she’s just tired. Sometimes, when I don’t get enough sleep, I start acting a little crazy. You know, a little insane. Sleep is important for us.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know.”

“Should one of us go to check on her?”

“Nah, she’ll be fine by tomorrow.” the oldest woman at the table said as she turned in her direction and made a heart with her hands.

Yolanda just sent here a smile and a nod as she sat down the rest of her food, unable to finish due to the mental discomfort and the feeling of unease that tugged at her stomach. Needless to say, she was ready to head back to her cell.

Later that night, after the guards went home, she was slowly entering a relaxed state. She got comfortable as she laid down and turned towards the wall. She closed her eyes and drifted off into a sleep slumber.

At a quarter to midnight, she woke up, feeling like someone was staring directly at her. She looked outside the cell, and there was no one, the lights outside her small room were all off. The small light in her room was still shining pretty bright.

“H-hello?” she muttered out, only to receive no answer.

“Hello?” she mumbled out once more.

“I see you’ve aged quite a bit, must be the stress. You know, back when I was a singer, there was a lot of stress coming from being famous. But, I guess, being infamous can still put the same amount of weight on you. I wouldn’t know.” a voice came from inside the room.

“Who’s there?!” Yolanda jumped, sitting up in her bed, she looked around only to see nothing.

“You don’t remember me? That kind of makes me sad.”

“Who are you!? Show yourself!”

Selena looked down at her from the top bunk. She gave her a smile of both anger and disgust. “Hola bitch.” she stated.

Yolanda let out a scream, one that no one could hear. She continued to scream, before hopping off the bed and running as quick as she could to the other side of the room. He back pressed against the wall.

“You can’t be here!! You’re dead! I killed you!!”

“That you did, perra. But guess what? Since I was an innocent soul, I ended up exactly where you thought I would. In heaven, somewhere you’d never make it to. You know?” she giggled.

“This can’t be real!”

“You’re right it can’t be. It shouldn’t be, but it is, and here I am, in the flesh. My whole body, live and well with not a single bullet wound.”

“B-but how??” Yolanda swallowed hard.

Selena rolled her eyes.

“I just told you how, I’m in heaven.”

“No, I mean how did you get here?! Back to earth!?”

“That, is something I don’t know, but what I do know, is that I am back and I am well.” Selena said hopping down from the top bunk and basically floating to the floor.

Yolanda was still shivering in fear, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing and it was hard to even comprehend.

“You seemed surprised to see me.”

“Yeah!! Because you’re dead! I killed you!”

“You did. And how many years ago was it again? About 24? It's been a long time, and I bet you don’t even care.” Selena hummed as she took steps closer.

“I-I-”

Selena gets face to face with her murderer and looks her in the eyes.

“You’re not so strong without a weapon, without a gun to protect you huh? I mean look at you, you’re cowering in fear, afraid of what I might do to you. And honestly you should be.”

Yolanda grabbed the closest thing to her and threw it at Selena. It went through her, just like it would a ghost. She swallowed hard, her saliva almost getting caught into her throat.

“Trying to hurt me again? I don’t think you’ll find that as successful as you think. Too bad too, this would be a great time to prove how powerful you are.” Selena paused.

“I despise you for what you did. You killed me in cold blood in jealousy, for what? What did I ever do to you? I gave you a job, a home, and somewhere to be yourself, and how do you repay me? You murder me, right when I was hitting my peak of success, my peak of happiness. And not once did you dare to apologize. Not once did you regret anything that you did. Not once did you bring yourself to ever think about the consequences that you would bring about by taking me out. I lost my friends and family because of you, and they lost me. And it's all your fault.”

“L-look Selena, I didn’t mean to- I was just trying to-”

“Quiet!! I don’t want to hear it. You killed me! You took my life away from me!! I was happy and you just snatched it from me because you were being selfish!!” Selena said, tears forming in her eyes.

She tried not to cry but she couldn’t help it. Ghostly tears fell down her cheeks as she balled her fists in anger.

“I wanted to have kids! I wanted to start a family! I wanted to continue making my mom and dad proud, you don’t understand. I don’t expect you to understand. I really don’t” Selena shook her head and relaxed her hands.

“I’m sorry Selena!! I’m so so so sorry!! Please! Forgive me!! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to end your life like that! I was just being jealous, I just was angry that I might be forgotten or left behind by you by the time that everyone knew me.”

“I wasn’t going to forget you. I’m better than that; I’m better than you, and I always have been.”

“Selena!! I’m sorry!! Please!! Please forgive me!! I didn’t mean it!! I really didn’t mean it!!”

“Yolanda, I can’t. You did it, and you have to own up to it and you know this. I was trying to be there for you, just like I was everyone else. I wanted to make sure you were happy, that you were satisfied with your job. I wanted to see you succeed in life, just like I did, and you didn’t have to be famous to do that. You just needed to be happy, you needed to be content with what I was giving you and I was giving you everything. You had a lot of my attention, my time, and my love. You were in charge of my fans. You were to help me while I helped you. You were to be my best friend when I’m on the road but you didn’t appreciate it. It was never enough for you and I should’ve saw it in your eyes, I should’ve seen the anger and rage that ran through you for who knows how long? But you know, I tried to look past it, I was better than that. You know this, everyone knew this and that’s why they’re all pissed at you. They knew I didn’t deserve this. But what should I expect? Trust no one I guess.”

“Se-” Was the only last syllable she could mutter out before Selena cut her off.

“Vete a la mierda.” Selena said as she turned her back to Yolanda and walked away, disappearing into thin air.

Yolanda clenched her teeth, trying not to cry. She felt regret stab her in her stomach and she felt angry at her past. She fell to her knees, scraping them on the dirty cell floor. She screamed loud, her hands gripping tightly at her hair and yanking roughly, pulling strands out. She continued to screech, which echoed through the area that she was sitting in. She could feel herself slipping, wishing that she could take it all back.

The lights flickered. Before it stayed on for the rest of the night, this time, it was just a lot dimmer.

Chris was sitting in his room, his guitar in his hand as he strummed a few strings. He hummed a melody to himself, it was one that belonged to one of his ex wife’s songs. He let a long sigh escape his lips.

It was getting late, and he had been up all day trying to think of something to write, but nothing came to mind. And the longer he sat there with his instrument in his hand, the longer time slipped away from him and before he knew it, it was 1am.

“I wish Selena was here. It's been so long…”

He felt his heart ache. He felt empty inside once more, and that’s probably why he divorced his last wife. No one could replace Selena, no matter how hard he tried. He hung his head in dread.

“Bebe?” Selena’s voice came in a whisper from the other side of the room.

“Selena?” he lifted his head up to be faced with Selena standing in front of him, an enormous smile on her face.

“Selena!” he jumped up from the bed and embraced her in the best way possible in a warm loving hug.

“I missed you so much Chris.” she said, her smile fading only some.

“I missed you more Selena.” he said as he pulled away from her some, only to pull her into a deep, passionate and loving kiss.

Their hearts were beating a thousand miles a minute as they held each other in an embrace. They felt so warm and comforted.

“Wait, how could you be here!? I thought you were dead!?”

“I am dead, sadly… but… I found a way to travel here, and I knew I needed to pay you a visit.”

“Mi amor, its so late... “

Selena laughed and pushed him gently. She took a look at the clock.. “Its only 1 in the morning.”

“Pretty late to be visiting someone don’t you think?” he laughed.

“Fine!” she said pushing him harder so he falls back onto his bed in a fit of laughter.

Selena crawls on top of him and pulls him into another kiss, more passionate than the one before. Their kiss lasted for minutes before she pulled away.

“I’m sorry Selena.” he tried to fight back tears.

“About what love?” she said, questioning his worrying expression.

“I found someone else… but we got divorced! But we do have two kids… I’m so sorry.”

Selena got silent and felt something that she would assume, if she wasn’t dead, would be heartbreak. She shook her head trying to shake the feeling and gave a soft sigh.

“I didn’t expect you to stay single forever, and it wasn’t your fault I died. I just hope you were happy as long as you were with her.”

“I was, but I was never as happy with her as I was with you.” Chris mumbled.

Selena kissed him once more, wiping his tears away.

“Chris, I just want you to be happy, I don’t care how it happens. I don’t want you to just be caught up on me. I’m gone, and I can’t come back in any other way but this one. And it's not permanent. I don’t even know how long I can be like this until i have to return back to heaven but I wanted you to know how much I love you, and missed you.”

“Please don’t leave again.” he almost whimpered as he gripped her wrist.

“I have to, I’ve been on earth for a few hours now and I don’t want to miss out on talking to my family. Don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Selena… I love you.” he said, tears continuing to stream down his slightly swollen cheeks.

“I love you too Chris. Say “hi” to the kids fo me.”” she said as she started to fade, her voice zoning out along with her.

Chris sat there, in his room in disbelief, but he soon began to smile. He wiped his tears away and laughed some as he realized that this was the happiest he had ever been in a while.

Soon enough, Selena was in her brother’s house, who was fast asleep. She planted a kiss on his forehead and rubbed his shoulder before leaving out. She then went to go visit her sister who was preparing for bed, and gave her a pat on the shoulder and a hug from behind. Her sister turned around and saw nothing and continued to prepare herself for sleep. Selena knew she would return a better time, when everyone was active and awake so that was she could spend quality time with them.

Lastly, she went to go visit her parents who were sitting in the living room watching tv. She appeared right in front of it.

“Hola mama, papa.” Selena said grinning.

Both her parents sat up and looked at her, wiping their eyes to make sure they weren’t dreaming.

“Selena!?” they shouted in unison as they both got up and ran over to hug her.

“You can’t be real!!” her mom screamed in disbelief.

“I am mama, I’m in heaven, but I managed to come here so that I can see everyone.”

“You mean you already visited Chris and your siblings?” her father wondered.

“Yes, Chris was awake writing music but my brother and sister were sleeping.”

“We just can’t believe you’re here mija! We’re so happy to see you!”

“Me too mom, I’m so glad to be able to see you again. Both of you, here alive and well. It's been so long since I’ve been able to have the embrace of my loved once and I wish it could stay that way.”

“I wish it could too.” her mother was tearing up,

“No, please don’t cry mom…. I know this isn’t forever but I’ll be back I promise and I know you’ll both join me in heaven. I’ll just keep coming back until you do, as much as I can,as often as I can. I promise.” Selena said as she started fading away.

“What’s happening?!” her father screamed in a slight panic.

“It's time for me to go I guess. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here that long. I’ll be back. I love you both, I always will… make sure you tell Marcella and Abraham that I visited them last night, and that I’ll return soon.”

“Bye Selena! We love you!” they said together as her father hugged her mother trying his best to comfort her.

Selena waved and blew them a kiss as she became nothing. Completely gone from earth’s surface.

“Selena! Selena wake up!!” the brunette shook her new friend’s lifeless body in worry.

“Selena!” She shook her harder, as she watched Selena finally started breathing again.

She gasped and opened her eyes. She sat up, almost as if she was startled and looked her friend in the face, giving her a big tight hug. She took a second to gain her breath, her chest heaving and her heart racing.

“I’m fine Lisa. Its okay, I’m perfectly fine.”

“Thank goodness…” Lisa sighed as she clinged to her friend’s clothing.

“How long was I gone…?”

“About 5 hours. I thought I had lost you. I wasn’t expecting you to be out of it for so long. What even happened…?”

“I-I’m not sure…” she said pulling away and scratching the back of her head. “I was able to visit my killer, and I was able to get in contact with friends and family. I was so happy to see Chris… and mama and papa.”

“How…?!” Lisa’s eyes widened in wonder and speculation.

“It must have something to do with concentration and thought…”

“I didn’t know we were capable of traveling to earth.”

“Me neither, not until today anyway. But, I don’t think I can do it again. It took a lot of energy and it was super stressful.”

Lisa grew worried and hugged Selena once more, the warm embrace comforting her as they sat there together.

“I want to know more, but I rather not have you talk about it. I don’t want you hurting or worrying.”

A knock at the door suddenly came and they looked at each other in wonder.

“Who is it?” Selena shouted.

“Um… its Mac Miller.” the voice behind the door said.

“Who?” Lisa asked.

“Mac Miller, the rapper.”

“We don’t know any Mac Miller.” Selena responded.

“That’s fine… but I just wanted some help… please? I was just wondering where we were and how’d I get here? Lemme in maybe?”

“Fine come in.” Selena sighed as Mac opened the door and walked in.

“Me too” a second voice came from what seemed like out of nowhere.

A dark skinned man with dreads and an accent walked in. He took a look around, slightly confused about his surroundings.

“I don’t know where I’m at either... “ he drifted off. “Oh, and I’m Bob Marley!”

Lisa and Selena sighed to themselves as their new focus was now on the two men in front of them.

Taglist: @lennonwhipped @rogers-flowered-blazer @caviarandqueen @caminc91 @sweet-mother-love @peacelennon

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hisoillu-prompts · 6 years

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Really long: Dragon AU

(sorry about paragraphs that seem rambly, this was me throwing ideas together. A fic that I was going to write but never got to it but it NEEDS to be made)

In which Hisoka is a dragon that terrorizes the kingdom of the Zoldycks, stealing livestock from farms, burning down towns, and killing all of their strongest warriors, including the ones sent to kill him. A truly fearsome beast indeed.

They try to arrange for like a meeting with him but he doesnt show up the first time. Of course, the Zoldycks get pissed and Kikyo would throw a fit because how dare that vile creature, but they would call him again and again and just out of one part boredom and one part annoyance, hisoka would show up. Of course, despite how irritated they are, the two heads(most Silva since Kikyo is still internally fuming) would try to negotiate. But although interested in the gold they offered, Hisoka declines everything(as he does what he does for entertainment).

They ask him what he wants. He seems to think for a bit before asking for the whole household to gather in front of him. After looking, he picks killuia(that white haired kid of yours) since he thought he'll be the strongest/have the most potential(so they can fight lol). He doesnt really notice Illumi because he was kinda in a corner and is basically a shadow(as always), but Kikyo offers up illumi instead(he's my oldest[son]) because of course Hisoka cant take the heir- and Hisoka is would just be like 'eh sure he should be pretty strong too' and decides to let killuia 'ripen'.

-a kinda transgression by having it sort of from the servants point of view? like 'the eldest prince, Illumi, was very...strange, even in his particularly weird family. (Mention how he was like robot, empty dark home eyes, almost no emotion, follows orders, has a terrible empty aura kinda feeling, and is creepily good at fighting and killing) i have no idea im sorry

But when he actually gets Illumi the next day or something he's kinda like 'oh u arent scared' and Illumis like 'nah. Now what do u wanna do with me like srsly'

Illumi really longs for his house at first and is sort of at a loss at what to do without any orders, so he kinda just sits around and misses his bed and waits for Hisoka to get back or something. He’s glad that he was taken in place of killuia, as long as his family(and heir) were safe.

-He eventually adjust, realizing that the silence in the cave really wasnt that new or different than in the castle

-Hisoka terrorizes a new town instead to make up his part of the bargain(although he goes back in his human form to see whats up sometimes) and its like most of the time he would just walk around in his human form as it was more convenient to fight people and yet not get him kicked out/ have to deal with the bother of people shouting at him for being a dragon and waving pitchforks and stuff, but he was kinda going for a chillaxing time when he decided to dragon form wreck Illumis kingdom. He had heard that it was a very strong kingdom of assassins, fairly famous, and he had decided to blow off some steam fighting, and he wasn't disappointed. Much.But anyway Illumi's kingdom was a little out of the way for him, he had to take longer time to reach there, the mountainous kingdom. Dragons all had one cave, unless they wanted to move their treasures to another one/ had another cave just for other treasures. His cave took almost 7/9 hours to fly to from the Zoldyck kingdom, and dragons flew pretty fast.

The Zoldyck family of assassins are basically a miniature kingdom, small with a town underneath their mountain that they protect. The town is relatively normal, with most everyone looking up to the deadly family looking after them. But there are some that try to train to become assassins with the zoldycks as inspiration(maybe they sponsor an assassin guild for the smaller kills they dont bother wasting time with).

-A random asshole villager dude saw illumi in town once with a disguise(as a female) and fell in ‘love’ and trains to be an assassin to rescue her(him) from the dragon. Inwardly he also wants to get into the zoldyck family as well, thinking he can if he impresses them with his rescue of illu and then marrying 'her'. Access to all that wealth and power made one considered untouchable. Illu is disgusted when he hears about this and claims that such a weakling wouldnt last a second in the presence of him nor his family.

-Anyway They both go to town together sometimes. In disguises of course, or if Illumi needs groceries

-eventually they just fall into an easy pattern and be friends and include a scene where Hisokas like 'alright Illu get ready another knight is here to rescue you(because they think you're a girl cough cough) and Illumis kinda just reading a book and letting out the occasional 'frightened(more like monotone) scream from his 'prison'(a giant birdcage cuz Hisoka is flashy as fuck) and the knight is kinda like 'ok that didnt sound like a very convincing scream/her voice isnt that great but i heard her beauty was astounding' -anyway so like Hisoka fuckin rekts him of course and one time a knight actually goes "RELEASE PRINCESS ILLUMI' and Hisoka smirks and Illumi twitches and after the knight is turned into crisps Hisoka turns to Illumi with a shit eating grin like "so i guess youre a princess. You never told me.."And Illumis just like fuck you

(very optional/not really fitting angst)

angst in how Kikyo gave up Illumi(the eldest. The strongest of the children. The one whos been with her the longest.) for Killuia, proving that she cared about him more. 'Or maybe it was because he was older, and this was just one of his responsibilities. But he couldn't help the foreign feeling of something shallowly sinking in his chest' Illumi still is kinda obsessed with Kil, but its more because he was suppose to be the heir and also Mil was kinda a bad child and Illumi actually was lonely so kil played with him a lot but their relationship slowly twisted into a sort of love hate for Illumi. Because even though he didnt care too much about the crown, he did care for his family. Although he wouldnt admit it; and his training refused to show a slip in his mask, Illumi did feel strangely empty when his family rained affection on Kil and only turned to him with orders on their lips. But no it couldnt be jealousy, no WAY would he be jealous of his younger bro! Hahaha! (Just keep telling yourself that, Ill)

(optional random angst end)

-Hisoka considers Illumi part of his 'treasure'/hoard and as all dragons are, he is fiercely protective of his hoard. Not that any thief could make it past Illumi, much less hurt him too much.

-when people describe illumi as 'beautiful and skilled' everyone always assumes that 1. Illu is a woman, and 2, 'skilled' meant as in embroidery or the such. Not in fighting/killing/assassinating. Not that he cant do embroidery because fuck yeah he can and frick yeah does it look good.So everyone is surprised when they see him decked out in armor with a blade pointed at their throat

-illumi like dies or almost dies and is turned into a dragon? Very rare, something about dragons being magical beings - anything can happen blah blah hisoka’s magic dragon magic infused into his body and now he’s filled with dragon magic that his strong will and body and mind turned into his own magic (i dont know where this idea came from, or really how else to explain it- just that past me had a good idea in mind that I now can’t remember)

-sleek, completely black dragon with blue gleam in scales if light hit them just right and sharp, wicked spines/spikes. All sharp angles and sharp lines, like any move can cut someone into ribbons. Deadly. He made hisoka, who was by no means a cuddly looking dragon, look almost soft-but despite misleading appearances, hisoka was definitely the more dangerous. What he lacked in looks he made up for in sheer brute strength and cunning.maybe stronger fire range too.

- illumi breathes blue flames, much much hotter. But small range. And could not stay in dragon form for long since originally human and originally not his dragon magic(it was like oxygen, reusable, but still limited). Both of them had hard scales

If you looked carefully, you could tell. Hisoka was taller, bigger, you could see muscles rippling through every limb. Illumi lurked more in the shadows, looking slightly bored. .

#hisoillu #hisoka #illumi #illumi zoldyck #hisoillu prompt #hisoillu prompts #hxh #hunter x hunter #hunter x hunter prompts #hxh writing prompts #dragon!au #dragon!hisoka #knight!illumi #this was my fav of all of my ideas #hopefully someone makes it #one day

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tumblunni · 6 years

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AWW C’MON FFXIV

one of the biggest barriers to me getting back into it is just how SLOW the beginning is when you don’t have any friends to help you out like it legit took me a whole week of constant grinding just to reach level 15! FIFTEEN! IUts really fuckin slow even by usual mmo standards! and like.. all that slow is supplimented by huge amounts of quests and story and being required to do that main story in order to access goddamn ANYTHING, such as (for example) the additional hairstyle customization options you get at level 15 which I KINDA GRINDED SIX DAYS FOR, ONLY TO FIND OUT I NEEDED TO FINISH 8 MAIN STORYLINE QUESTS FIRST.

Like normally i would be HAPPY for an MMO that has loads of well made story scenes and ties progression more to quests than to grinding. But its just.. so unappealing to me?? Its That One Style Of Storytelling That Turns Me Off Immediately. I fuckin hate pretentious fairytale stylings. like not even when its told in the nostalgic writing style of a kids’s story or has a fairytale art aesthetic, those are some of my FAVOURITE THINGS. Nah when its the nostalgic writing style of fuckin specifically shakespeare and the only aesthetic is fuckin tolkein AGAIN. Like its really fuckin noticeable that the entire FF series has a bazillion original species in every other game but as soon as they made an mmo its Now Only Elves And Dwarves And Giants. And like.. the one anime addition of catgirls, and also making orcs/demons fuckin boring bishounen people with ‘all men are dragony and all women are 12 year old lolis with hair decorations’ as a fuckin species trait.o r I guess maybe the roegadyn are both orcs and giants combined and the au’ra got all of the leftover terrible traits..? And that’s 80 times more obnoxious when everyone talks like YE OLDE FUCKIN LITERATURE CLASSE AYE MY BOY YONDER DAWN DOTH BREAK OVER BIGASS FUCKOFF MOUNTAIN, HERE TAKE A STICK AND KILL 5 SLIMES like they literally fuckin sub ‘nightsoil’ for ‘shit’. this is an actual thing that someone thought would sound clever and fantasy-ish, instead of like an internet parody... And as far as I know the japanese version doesn’t even do this?? And neither did japanese FF12?? I FEEL SO LIED TO! Like these two worlds are still the most simultaneously cliche and overdeveloped ever, but i would at least enjoy my experience marginally more if the wall of text didnt stretch out every word to its maximum syllable potential..

BUT YKNOW DESPITE THAT DESPITE THAT BEING MY PROBLEM I AM NOW SAD AT FFXIV MAKING EXACTLY THE FIX FOR ME

They added a REALLY interesting and Dear God Relief feature where you can literally buy your way to the start of the latest expansion, story-wise. Which is a really great idea tbh, it kinda sucks to see ‘level requirement 80 must have beaten main story’ on this entire separate thing that you just bought. Kid me was dumb and didnt read all the conditions on old FFXI stuff... And I mean, anyone who complains about this being pay to win is being a dumbass, since all it does is promote you to the base level required for that storyline. Like the maximum here is level 60 with the equivelant job quests finished, so like.. there’s at least One Thing that makes you less than horribly underprepared compared to everyone else, but you’re still just a newbie wearing big boy pants. You can never pay to win for any level anywhere near the cap, it’s just pay to skip the more boring beginner sections. And probably get your ass kicked after cos all u hav is base equipment and none of the optional sidequets content or learned experience from the actual story...

BUT STILL I’M MAD BECAUSE there’s no way to do this without skipping the story!! your 60 levels of beginner quests are flagged as complete and you can never even see what you missed unless you watch someone else’s lets play i guess

and I know I just said that the story is really cumbersome and slow and badly written and cliche and i have no investment in anything but like that’s only 99% true, I actually WAS interested in the job training plotlines! a smaller self-contained sidequest with a cast of mentor npcs and story directly tied to your combat strength, rather than having to mop up loads of way underlevelled quests arbitrarily just to unlock the ability to actually exceed that level. gahhh Also i have a soft spot for the thieves guild- umm i mean the ‘seamstresses’ (or what was the actual joke about it? i think that was the discworld version XD) Mostly because they don’t talk like overly fancy pricks but also dont have too much of an over the top fakey oliver twist poor person voice. have I mentioned how its double annoying playing this game as a brit and hearing EVERYONE as some american guy doing the most stereotypical accent? Its a japanese game, why did you even do this!! srsly, this and ff12 have so many of the same dub fail. Oh, but also i like the thieves guild cos their plot is actually somewhat interesting, with the secrecy and stuff, instead of just I Am Mentor Man I Am Good At Job But Probably Tsundere Or Something For Six Hours. Also nice that there’s a full cast of this piratey crew and you get to interact with bossman’s admin guys sometimes, and get a general sense that he’s the comedic bumbler that’s only kept alive by their competance. (I call it.. the Plumeria Principle..)

Oh and lol also even if i could skip the story bits I hated, i probably wouldnt cos this thing is so fuckin Lore that i’d be completely lost... T_T But aaaa its tempting!! Cos I picked a bad starting town that had a plot and mentor npc that I didnt really care for, and now i really wanna switch to (weirdly enough) the one for gridania the land of the most boring elves and none of the job classes I want to use. She was just a really cool character! I can’t remember the pirate town equivelant tho, I just think that was my fave town aesthetic and fave jobs and stuff but the npcs were boring. I want elf mom!!! But seriously after fuckin SO MUCH WORK getting to level 20 before i decided i wanted to restart AAAA and then i wasted a bunch of my money on appearance change coupons to try and sate the restart temptation but then i realised No It Was Elf Mom I Miss so now i have a bunch of that cash shop content on that character and its impossible to transfer or somethin?? i couldnt even figure out how to send money between your own characters, which sucks cos some really nice guy gave me 30000 gold for no reason when i first started up the game and i legit DID NOT KNOW HOW TO USE CHAT YET so i was like running after him all WAAAAIT LET ME FIND THE KEYBOARD TO SAY THANKS xD But then i was just using that character to check out some of the other intro towns, it wasnt my main so i never used the money :(

so yeah anyway now I’m stuck here grumpy and debating whether i should buy this aaaaa and i cant even remember the name of the clearly-a-thief-but-dont-call-it-that class so i can pick the right thing to buy... And also i dont know if this only skips job training quests and not main story quests? or if there’s any way to recap main story quests at least? so it might not be as bad as I think. And maybe i could just pick whatever class I hate most to get all the exp in, and then i can have the level requirement to use my damn expansion but still go back and restart another job questline. and it’d probably be easier lol with all the boosts of having some other job high levelled! wonder if there’s a job with a terrible plotline that jus coincidentally lines up as a great thief supporter...?

#blunni thoughts

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happys-crazy-queen22 · 7 years

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Stay- Kozik

Song- Stay By Florida Georgia Line

I'd sell my soul just to see your face And I'd break my bones just to heal your pain And in these times I need a saving grace 'Cause time is running out and I'm starting to lose my faith But if I told you I loved you would it make you wanna stay I'm sorry for the way I make you feel day after day And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you everyday Would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home to stay Would it make you, make you wanna stay

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry, again". "I wish I can take it all away and never have slept with her". "Please talk to me, just answer your text and tell me your alright". "I miss you so much". "I love you" You listened to Kozik's message over and over again. You left Kozik after you found him in bed with a croweater on New Years Eve. He was at a party and he said things just happened.

Flash Back "Hey Tiggy you seen my Old Man"? "Nah, I cant say I have". '"I've been alittle busy". He laughed as he kissed the red headed croweater. "I will let you get back to that". You walked off and headed to Koziks dorm. Hearing a slight moaning. You jerked open his door. There he was with a croweater riding him. "Shit". He said as he threw the croweater off. Standing there speechless, you covered your mouth with your hand, tears free falling. "Y/N please say something". "I'm sorry". "I didnt mean it". Kozik rambled. "I gotta go". You said as you ran off. End Of Flash Back.

Wiping the tears from your eyes, you shook the thought from your mind. You didnt know why he did it, you were a good Old Lady, you were always there when he need you or if the club was in trouble. You just felt it was your fault that he cheated.

My hearts on my sleeve but it's turning black And without your touch I'm not gonna last It feels like my walls are cavin' in And I'll do anything to have you here again But if I told you I loved you would it make you wanna stay I'm sorry for the way I make you feel day after day And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you everyday Would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home to stay Would it make you, make you wanna stay

Not wanting to be in your memories you decided to clean. You always cleaned when stressed. You put on your favorite song and danced around. As you were dusting the mantle, your turned around to get more polish and there standing in your leaving room was Kozik. Turning the music off. "What are you doing here". You asked as you got a stran of hair out of your eyes. "Your not answering me and I got worried". "I need time to think". "I dont know what I'm suppose to do". You nevously bit your lip. "I dont know either, I want this to work but I know that things will never be like they use to". "Why did you do it and dont blame the booze". "I really dont know'. "She was there and it just happened". "I will do anything to make it up". He grabbed your hand. You pulled back. There's really nothing you can do". "You cheated and I dont forgive that". "You hurt me all in three seconds". "We've been together for what six years and it takes you three freaking seconds to ruin it all'. You sniffled, fight the tears. "I'm really, truly sorry". "I didnt want to hurt you". "You did". "Did I do something to make you do it, or have not done something"? "No, I just wasn't thinking". 'I was so stupid". "I love you Y/N". "I always will and if we dont work this out I just want you to know, that if you ever need anything I will be there". "Same for you". "We might be over as lovers, but as friends I will be here". You smiled. "I better go". Kozik walked out the door, leaving you in tears.

The days are cold the nights are long And I can't stand to be alone Please know this is not your fault And all I want is to tell you I love you And make you wanna stay I'm sorry for the way I make you feel day after day And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you everyday Would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home to stay

It was a awful thunder storm that night and you were petrified. You called the one person who new what to do. "Hello". "Ko-zik, I'm sc-a-r-ed". Your voice was trembling. "I'm on my way,Y/N". Not ten mintues later, you heard a harley pull up in your drive way. "Hey I'm here, its okay". "Your safe". Kozik wrapped his arms around you. "Get your mind on things that make you happy". "Think about the time we went to the fair and I scared the shit out of Trager". "You found a mime and told him to follow Tig, he turn a corner and he would stand real still like a doll". "He nearly pissed himself". You both said, laughing. "See your going to be okay, just think happy thoughts". He kissed your head. "Remember when Juice got super wasted by some so called vitamins that Tig gave him". "Tig and the guys dressed him as a baby and stapled a sign to his chest". "Dropping him off at the police station and Hale was so furious". Kozik laughed his head off. "I cant believe they did that to poor Juice". "He was a cute baby tho". You smiled. "Kozik". "Yeah, Babe". "I want you to stay, I dont want you to go back to the club house". "Okay, I'll stay until the storms over". "No I mean". You cleared your throat. "Stay forever, I cant live with out you". Tonight was just a test and I failed". "I want you and only you". "I'm so happy to hear that". "I was a mess without you". I couldnt sleep or eat, I couldnt concentrate during club meetings". "I promise you on my life that I will never hurt you again or look at another woman again". "I hope you dont cause Tig has offered many times to take you out and I'm not talking about a date". You laughed, taking your finger to slice your throat. "Funny, you wouldnt do that to me". "You love me, the ass that I am". "True I do love you, dont make me regret it". You pulled him in for a kiss. "I never will". Kissing you deeply.

Would it make you, make you wanna stay (I'm sorry for my ways) Would it make you, make you wanna stay (Will it ever be enough) Would it make you, make you wanna stay

#herman kozik #herman kozik imagine #sons of anarchy #happys-crazy-queen22

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peafarmmer · 7 years

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tagged by @untouchabyeolman for all three tags LOL thANKS DUDE

Rules: -Go to this website: www.random.org/lists -Pick 15 characters from any fandom or whatever you’re into -Tag five or more people -Have fun!

im not in any other fandom so i just put most of them twice LMAO im so dumb dont mind me holy shit

Mom/Dad: chen

Sibling: sehun

Grandma/Grandpa: kai

Haunts You: chanyeol //true//

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: suho

Your Ex: kyungsoo

Your Best Friend: xiumin

Proposed To You: sehun

Your Boss: kyungsoo

Random Person You Meet At A Bar: kai

Your Rival: lay

Gave You Your First Kiss: chen

Drunk And Singing Karaoke With: baekhyun

Played 7 Minutes In Heaven With: chanyeol

Gave You Your Favorite Dessert: baekhyun

tagging: @chanyeolve @chaichanyeol @dulcetyeoll @chanyoel @92-pcy @dyo-alone @ravyeolie @baekshitbyun

1. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds? exo saranghajaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAaaasssaaa 2. When was the last time you smiled? Why did you smile? 2 seconds ago when i reblogged some good sehun 3. What bad habits do you want to break this year? its april…come again next year.. 4. What is honor (in your opinion) and is it consider to be important to you? kjsdflsjkdlf 5. Describe yourself without using your name, or any attributes given to you by society and really think. Who are you? Way deep down. a Mistake 6. What are you looking forward to? leaving school 7. Your first kpop band? exo!!! i might have had like a pre-exo got7 phase but it died young 8. Embarrassing Moment? every second of my life (cred: nicka) 9. Do you consider yourself as an open minded person? If so, why? i actually really hope so 10. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? my dog!!!!!!!! 11. If you had to teach someone one thing, what would you teach? how to correctly identify chanyeols hand in a photo of nine hands stacked on top of each other

tagging: @chanyeolve @iluvpcy @yiffxing @92-pcy @smhsehun @daeksoo @laycult @miyuki @brbcrawlingtokorea

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? group chat have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? no :( list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with. 1. EXO!!!!!!! but idk that id identify with any of them do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better? i like my birth name better than diana but i dont like how its translated in english... and im pretty sure my mom rolled a die for my english name do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do? i wouldnt want to... literally all i do is walk to discussion and not pay attention are you religious/spiritual? nah do you care about your ethnicity? care about sounds very proactive i feel pretty passive about it like i feel…like things are just the way they are im cool with being taiwanese what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? asdfdgfgdh? are you an artist? no do you have a creed? no…. but i mean i try to be a good person :( describe your ideal day. an ideal day is when theres nothing due at the end of the week dog person or cat person? DOG indoors or outdoors? indoors are you a musician? i played piano and flute but piano was like out of obligation and flute was just for band and i was really shitty at both five most influential books over your lifetime. NAHHH if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? nope would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”? 8/10 what’s your patronus? idk shrek which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? muggle would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? hogwarts do you love easily? dogs yes list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. tumblr wasting time tumblr wasting time hiking from my apartment to the FUCKING CAMPUS how often would you want to see your family every year? i see my parents most school holidays i think thats good :^) have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone? no i hope that doesnt happen ever LMAO unless its liek one way where i read the other persons mind could you live as a hermit? im? right now? its happening live how would you describe your gender/sexuality? female do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”? yeah im just like really mild and sad on a scale from 1 to 10 (easy to hard), how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? 1 (credit: nicka) three songs that you connect with right now. 화창한 봄날에 - jerry k., kuan only one - freestyle, xoxo someone i know - san e pick one of your favorite quotes. “i would be a good spouse” - oh sehun

tagging: @shypcy @soo-heaven @the-baekery @whatcanisaydude @babyeol @ilovminseok @chanyeolve @baekshitbyun

#my formatting is giving me cancer #I TAGGED SOME NEW PEOPLE :^)#HI #tagged

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voidwizerd-archive · 7 years

Text

BONDING EXPERIENCES?? ==>

[[ logs with @carnivalsorphans, our muses keep bonding in very confusing ways, what the fuck are these two ]]

voidwizerd okay first off please dont bring this up w Kankri bc th last thing i can handle rn is anythin resemblin a moral talk im too pissed

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd do you ever like get a super specific urge to just beat a body senseless does this happen to you

carnivalsorphans often enough that the thought some people don't kinda baffles

voidwizerd i cant get at who i wanna get at theyre all universes away n maybe DEAD which sure would be fuckin convenient fr them huh i just

carnivalsorphans hahaha yeah fuckin relatable

voidwizerd wanna find some shitty person n whale on em until theyre only sorta recognizable

carnivalsorphans hmmm

voidwizerd teeth aint that necessary anyhow ugh

carnivalsorphans hahahaha do you actually want me ta find ya someone shitty ta fuck up or we just talkin hypotheticals and feelings?

voidwizerd i honestly dont even know i just wanted to confirm someone else experiences this too

voidwizerd i figured if anyone does itd be you

carnivalsorphans aight, just feelings yeah, you bet sib a lot. and it's hard. just kinda.... keepin that real tight inside it winds ya up a bit warps you and makes ya feel all weird til ya can do somethin ta make it stop i used ta bleed myself and then paint with it, but wicked said that's bad, so i'm tryinna figure somethin else out

carnivalsorphans i felt that way bout anyone i actually give a fuck about, where any time they talk on their old shit it just makes me tense up and start this fuckin rumble

carnivalsorphans usually stop it afore it gets loud though kankri says he don't feel that way at all, but i bet there's somethin that'd wind him up that bad somethin for everyone that just makes em wanna beat someone bloody

voidwizerd yeah it just its like wrappin your insides up tighter n tighter n tighter n it feels like itll rip n spill everythin out

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd so fuck, if its gonna tear eventually why not choose myself how that happens???

carnivalsorphans yeah and i'd think at least no one was gettin hurt but me and i like pain anyhow

carnivalsorphans and it spills out nice and slow and i get somethin pretty at the end of it but ... ya gotta pick ya poison, sometimes

voidwizerd i guess i did that last one kinda fr different reasons n a bit more extreme but ha ha ........i fuckin hate copin

carnivalsorphans yeah, it's hard i got a lot ta cope with

carnivalsorphans used ta think i was better than addiction, but i ... dunno. feel like an addict sometimes. wicked says i might be one, even. instead of the bottom of a bottle, i just got my claws

voidwizerd just bout anythin can be addicted to i used to run until my body gave out only way my mind would go quiet i miss th quiet

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd but Kankri would worry

carnivalsorphans fuck havin connections ta people hahaha

voidwizerd right its terrible but also i wouldnt know what happy is like either

carnivalsorphans .... yeah

voidwizerd th loneliness was killin me ha like literally lmaooooo

carnivalsorphans yeah i can feel that

voidwizerd well no okay technically i was doin that my own damn self

carnivalsorphans you wouldn't think, surrounded by church who loves me

carnivalsorphans but ya know. lonely at the top

voidwizerd fuckin pussy i was broke in less than two sweeps. whoop whoop yeah yeah i bet lonely is terrible, fuck that shit

carnivalsorphans used ta be worse but used ta be, i didn't care .... way way fuckin back when saw people bein all close to eachother and it seemed like a waste a fuckin time and energy and like they was a bit away from stabbin eachother in the back

carnivalsorphans .... fuckin ignorance was bliss

voidwizerd ha wouldnt it be so much easier just to not

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd not need that not fuckin CLING to affection like a goddamn lifeline bc its either that n bein treated like garbage or bein treated like nothin at all

carnivalsorphans yeah, fuck that

voidwizerd hurt or isolation take your pick trick question they both hurt and they both make you feel isolated

carnivalsorphans yeah hahahahaha

carnivalsorphans rather have real hurt though. makes shit hard ta focus on .... sometimes, at least

voidwizerd mmn

carnivalsorphans > Try not to think of Artemi. > Try /really hard/

voidwizerd do i like pain fr kinky reasons or do i like it bc i just want someone to beat me to shit

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd these are th questions

carnivalsorphans just assume it's a little a both

carnivalsorphans nothin's ever so black and white sometimes a lil more of one, sometimes a lil more of another

voidwizerd fuckin

carnivalsorphans and sometimes it fades away so much ya almost forget it's there

voidwizerd hate that shit

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd wish it could be simple shouldnt knowin yourself be simple but nah

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha

voidwizerd other ppl know me better than me

carnivalsorphans depends on how fuckin much you want to know

voidwizerd aint that just th fuckin way

carnivalsorphans i've tried real hard not ta let anyone know me fuckin hate bein /known/ bein... able ta pin down predict

voidwizerd sure is a thing its scary

voidwizerd scarier than anythin

carnivalsorphans .... yeah and not just cuz i'm scared for my church not just cuz i'm scared a how people will take it just... 's

voidwizerd if i didnt trust Kankri so much id prolly just. go outta my fuckin mind of terror. ha

carnivalsorphans yeah every time me and wicked have a real talk, i get a bit.... tense. all tensed up for him ta fuckin recoil or use shit against me or probably ain't the best way ta feel with ya rail, but

voidwizerd no i i get that fuck dude i literally couldnt tell you how often Jane n Dirk did that to me but my stupid ass kept confidin in em anyway

carnivalsorphans hahaha i never risked it sometimes i'd tell shit to people i was

voidwizerd only reason i didnt confide w Jake at all was cause he never paid attention to anythin that wasnt bout him

carnivalsorphans hurtin. i ain't ever had enough trust in fuckers to do that sorta shit too often

voidwizerd shit dude if ur only confidantes are th ppl ur torturin you just might need to get out more

carnivalsorphans hahahahaha yeah

carnivalsorphans i kinda went a bit nuts after i fell got better though

voidwizerd good on you shoulder pat for success

carnivalsorphans there's a lotta things i miss bout that time. probably more than i should. one more addiction ta add onto the pile

voidwizerd ha careful dude dont wanna be breakin records here

carnivalsorphans hahahaha i've lived a long time, i set all the records

voidwizerd my point is to get better rather than worse knucklehead though ha tbh this is one of those lights i doubt thats really a possible thing

carnivalsorphans hahaha how bout we just try for not gettin worse tolight? wanna come over? for the sake a not bein alone

voidwizerd i .....yeah thanks

carnivalsorphans fuck knows i ain't gonna be good for bein alone tonight neither. .... but i don't really wanna worry wicked over me bein all whatever i am right now

voidwizerd "whatever" is a good word fr feelins tonight "whatever" with a side of "sad n violent"

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd apparently not a regular or good thing to feel .. is it bad fr me to be so relieved you get this way too

carnivalsorphans naw 's normal ta feel relieved that ya ain't alone in ya experiences

carnivalsorphans fuck, that's sorta why i hang around sugary and vel and wicked

voidwizerd oh huh i guess i like. well i didnt even know i was angry until well

carnivalsorphans until you was burnin

voidwizerd yeah

carnivalsorphans i think vel sorta gets like that

voidwizerd i guess i been mad a long time but

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd long as i ignored it things never happened

carnivalsorphans people tend ta forget angry is somethin they is allowed ta be

voidwizerd until that naggin suspicion got confirmed, that i was treated no better than shit on someones heel, n i just welp there goes th neighborhood

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd anger is its big

carnivalsorphans anger is born out of sorrow a lot sorrow at fuckin... lack at bein wronged

voidwizerd .....yeah

carnivalsorphans at missed opportunities and bein taken advantage of

voidwizerd at at knowin i did nothin to get hurt n did *everythin* to win approval thats just

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd seventeen goddamn years of waste right there

carnivalsorphans yeah sweeps of lack of what ya deserved

voidwizerd i didnt deserve that

carnivalsorphans yeah

voidwizerd *they* deserved my goddamn fists i wish id fought back

carnivalsorphans it's aight to be angry bout that shit. people always say it's aight to mourn, but sometimes mournin involves gettin fuckin pissed

voidwizerd i wish id listened to my instincts

carnivalsorphans you did what ya knew ta do and that's... somethin

carnivalsorphans may not always feel good

voidwizerd i loved em too much was th problem id let anythin slide cause they was my whole world

carnivalsorphans ain't nothin wrong with lovin maybe a bit wrong with bein blinded by it, but there ain't nothin to be done about that except learn from it

voidwizerd yeah took

carnivalsorphans and fuckin... bein tempered hurts, but it does make ya stronger

voidwizerd fuckin 21 years but i learned

carnivalsorphans .... cmere?

voidwizerd yeah

voidwizerd yeah ill be there

carnivalsorphans > Probably help to send coords. > And then time to snug a friend

voidwizerd > Friend will cry and rant a lot but appreciate much. > Mostly cry.

carnivalsorphans > Pet the friend. Kiss their head and wipe away tears sometimes and comfort and offer inappropriate jokes when tears seem to be letting up.

voidwizerd > Jokes get a smile and then even more crying because what the fuck is an appropriate response to people caring about them.

carnivalsorphans > More kisses because how do you deal with people crying Normally anyway?

voidwizerd > Kisses back a little because that seems to help and not kissing back was starting to feel Weird.

carnivalsorphans > Prr? Wipe away tears, focus more on wiz than your own shit.

voidwizerd > Pr... Still feeling terrible, and thinking about bad gunk, but at least not alone. And good to be with someone who kinda gets it. "We're sorta fucked up huh."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah. But we make it work."

voidwizerd "Fuck dude we sure do. By the skin of our fuckin teeth but we're doin it."

carnivalsorphans "I think we're doin better than some people."

voidwizerd "That's optimistic." > Weak laugh.

carnivalsorphans "Naw, we ain't still stuck in our old shit. I think that's better off. Some people never get that far."

voidwizerd "...That's true." > Snuggle up more after decaptchaing more blankets. Feeling more vulnerable to Ringleader's chilliness.

carnivalsorphans > Oh, good. A layer between you and the warmth. ... Give the bundled wiz a squish. "There's somethin to be said for bein proud of how far we've come, at least. Even if we ain't where we wanna be yet." > .... Where does he want to be though?

voidwizerd "Where we even tryin to get to, though?" > Squish is good. Quiet purr.

carnivalsorphans > A snort. "Ya know, I was thinkin the exact same thing." > Loud purring.

voidwizerd "Don't that just figure. Tolight we're real fulla questions that don't got proper answers, huh."

carnivalsorphans "I dunno that we gotta know where we're goin ta be glad we're not where we were."

voidwizerd > Now you snort. "That's some deep shit."

carnivalsorphans "That's me. Deep as fuck. ya know my real secret now.

voidwizerd "I'm honored!" > Quiet laugh. Moody staring at nothing for a while. "Think I'm done cryin now. Got that hollow sense settlin in nice an blegh.”

carnivalsorphans “Yeah, fuck that. I only appreciate that shit when i’m needin to think after bein pissed. And even then, it ain’t the same as true calm.”

voidwizerd "Mmh. Better than feelin I'm about to like... break into a million billion pieces. Like takin a sledgehammer to a window. Ha." > Blink slow. Slower. You're not moving so much.

carnivalsorphans > Squish. You ain't their rail, it's not your responsibility to make sure they're all... In tact. .... But still, you're a bit concerned. A tiny bit. "Anythin I can be doin ta help?"

voidwizerd "'unno. Feelin's gone for now." > Whoops, that there is a yawn. You rub your face, trying to stay awake. "What about you?"

carnivalsorphans "Feel.... Warm." Soft purring. "Probably about time ta pass out."

voidwizerd "Mmh." Sprawl out a bit. "Thanks for bein my comrade in shittiness."

carnivalsorphans "Misery demands company and all that. Plus i like hangin around you."

voidwizerd "Gay."

carnivalsorphans "Yeah." Forehead kiss.

voidwizerd > Mumble a barely comprehensible "suuuuper gay" before nodding off. > RL's a good friend.

carnivalsorphans > Pet Wiz a little longer before going to sleep yourself.

#logs #carnivalsorphans #[[ okay they talk about a lotta junk so here goes ]]#violence //#addiction //#alcoholism //#alcohol //#self harm //#abuse //#torture //#ask to tag //

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adambstingus · 6 years

Text

Every Halloween, I Have A Story I Like To Tell

I liked Ben, I really did. I mean, he was a nice guy. We had some fun times together in college, messing around the dorm, going to parties, all the dumb shit that college guys do. He was cool and all, but he was a little pretentious. Well, I guess the word he used was artistic. He thought he was real smart, spent a lot of time trying to prove it to everyone. He had his own blog developed to film critiques not the big ones, though. Just little indie productions because nothing else was worth his time. When he got like that, he could be pretty insufferable.

Perhaps the most annoying thing that he did was performance art.

Now, I dont wanna be the guy who says that all performance art is dumb. But yeah, no, all performance art is dumb. Oh, look, youre on display painting a picture of Jesus from your own urine, how original and edgy! Maybe Im a little jaded, but it always seemed so contrived to me. Unfortunately, Ben really loved it. He thought there was something beautiful in art that was physically living and he devoted an embarrassing amount of time to it.

Anyway, I hung out with Ben a few times after college, but we mostly just met up to do some heavy drinking and maybe hit a strip club or two. He considered THAT performance art as well, which was just fine with me, it gave me an excuse to waste some ones. Since we didnt hang out very often, I had a bad feeling when he contacted me about a month before last Halloween.

He called me up at about seven in the morning on a Saturday, which is too early to even consider waking up, in my opinion. I answered in a daze and he started running his mouth like crazy, as though afraid that, if he didnt get it all out at once, he never would.

Mike, hey, Mikey, listen, buddy, I need your help, okay? Okay, okay, Ive got this idea for a performance and, well, its going to be , you know? So good! Its going down on Halloween. Can you come help? Look, Ill even pay you, man. Fifty dollars. So how bout it?

Now, Ive never cared much about Halloween one way or the other, and Im a pretty easy guy. Fifty dollars to probably just sit there and run a fog machine or some bullshit? For the right price, I could even pretend that I wanted to be there. Besides, what else are friends for?

A few days later, he gave me the details. To be honest, I was a little shocked when he sent the email. I know that performance art is intended to be edgy and can sometimes get a little dangerous, but this seemed downright negligent.

Mike:

Thanks for agreeing to do this for me! Ive talked to a few other people, but they werent really comfortable with it, for reasons youll probably be able to figure out. Of course, I understand if you want to back out, but I think you are probably the most reliable person I know. Its really not that big of a deal, Im sure youll agree.

As Im sure youve noticed, vampires have become very prominent in the media as of late. I say vampires because they are beginning to deviate so wildly from the traditional myths that they resemble forest fairies more than anything else. Altruistic? Sparkly? Whiny? Give me a break. We need more Dracula! We need more Carmilla! We need more death, destruction, and blood!

My performance will center on the theme of rebirthing the vampire. For the vampire to be reborn, he must first be buried. To turn peoples attentions back to the myths of old, I will be doing just that: I will be burying the vampire.

I have a group of viewers signed up already to participate in the performance, so you dont need to worry about that. Im going to plant a series of vampire-themed clues around town for them to follow. The clues should be pretty simple, and it will probably take no more than an hour to an hour-and-a-half for them to find me.

Here comes the somewhat controversial part. Essentially, for this performance to have any semblance of meaning, I need to be buried alive. Dont worry, its perfectly safe: I have a buddy from back home who is building me a coffin with a hole in the top. Ill be fixing it with a pipe that will stick an inch or two above the ground. That way, I wont run out of air. Ill also have a few necessities in the coffin in case something happens: food, water, and a flashlight.

Once they arrive at my grave which will be completely vampirized they will be provided with an array of shovels and will bring me back to life, a reincarnation of the true mythological history of vampires.

Here is where you come in. I need you to bury me. In addition, I need you to be my safety net: if they cant find me, if something goes wrong, if I become sick, I need you to be the one to get me out or call the police, if necessary. Ill also need you to decorate my grave, make it really creepy dont worry, Ill send you some blueprints.

I know this is a little stressful and it may take some time for you to decide, but, rest assured, this is a completely safe project. Theres no danger of suffocation and the coffin is sturdy, so its very unlikely that it will collapse. I really just need you there for support and the actual hard work of burying me.

What do you say? Id even be willing to up your pay to a hundred dollars, if thats what you need.

Let me know!

RIP,

Ben

I stared at my screen for a few minutes, completely dumbfounded.

Once I cut through all the bullshit about art and vampires and rebirth, what it came down to was death.

This guy actually wanted me to almost kill him.

I mean, sure, it probably WAS safe. But my mind went over the plan slowly. What if I couldnt get him out in time? One shovel and a pit of dirt wouldnt be a fast job. Furthermore, what if something happened to me?

Before making a decision, I sent him another email asking if he was really sure he was up for this. Of course he knew, he said. And then he said something that would always stick with me.

Art must be a little dangerous, my friend, for it to be real.

A month later, I found myself standing at the foot of a grave. It was six feet deep and perfectly rectangular. Sitting at the bottom was a tapered coffin covered with black lacquer, a white skull painted on the top. In the eye of the skull was a hole just big enough for the PVC pipe. Stenciled underneath was a line from Dracula: Denn die Todten reiten schnell.

I stood there like an idiot, waiting for Ben to show up.

In the end, Id decided to go along with his stupid gig. Ben was a stubborn bastard, and if I didnt help him, someone else would. At least, thats the justification I gave myself. But the real reason was that, deep inside my heart, his words were still echoing.

Id ended up doing a little more work than I had intended. For one, I had to place his stupid clues around the city. It wasnt hard work, but it took some time to get them all in the proper places. Luckily for Ben, they were pretty obvious clues. There was no need to worry that his participants would be unable to find him.

Ben had set up the grave and the coffin a few days prior to Halloween. It was out in the woods just on the outskirts of town, no chance of it being disturbed. Id tried to talk him out of burying it the whole six feet down.

If something happens and I need to get you out fast, what will I do? Cant you put it closer to the surface?

Ben had just shaken his head in exasperation. You just dont get it, do you? It has to be done right. Remember what I told you.

So I shrugged and let him mess around with whatever dumbassery would get him off.

I was just beginning to wonder if I should have brought more beer this promised to be a long night when Ben showed up.

I had to restrain my laughter when I saw his getup. A cheap Dracula costume from Wal-mart had never looked so pathetic, especially when topped off with those cheap plastic fangs. Hed greased his hair back and painted on a widows peak.

I couldnt resist. Wow, seriously, dude?

He gave me a stern look. Its a comment on the commercialization of vampires and horror as we know it today. He fished around in his pocket and pulled out a walkie talkie. Here, take one. The range isnt very far, but my cell phone wont work that far underground. Youll have to stay nearby. Let me know if youre going out of range.

I shrugged and took it. Okay, but you brought your cell just in case, right?

Nah, what good will it do if it doesnt work?

This guys batshit insane, I thought. But he handed me the hundred dollars and, suddenly, it didnt seem to matter anymore.

I helped him into the coffin and shut the lid. He seemed pretty calm if it were me, I knew Id be having a panic attack. I fit the PVC pipe into the hole. It slid in perfectly snug. I climbed out of the coffin and grabbed my shovel, taking one last look at the shiny black peeking out from the dirt.

With a resigned shrug, I started to shovel in the dirt. Okay, well, he asked for this, I thought.

It took almost a full hour to get all the dirt piled in. The PVC pipe was just barely visible over the grave. I piled the earth around it to hide it as well as I could. Then, I set up the rest of the grave: a hideously gothic headstone made of Styrofoam, and cheap Wal-mart flowers. Once it was finally finished, I sat back against a tree and waited.

There was an awful lot of waiting to be done.

Three hours later, his participants still hadnt come.

Hed buzzed in on the walkie talkie a few times, asking if theyd shown up. I continually answered in the negative, wondering how long hed be willing to keep up this charade. He must be getting worried, I thought, staring at my watch. It was already 10 pm and not a soul to be seen.

Hey, Mike? Something must have happened, I dont think theyre coming. Can you get me out of here? Bens voice crackled and faded in and out of the static fuzz. I took another swig of my beer and heaved a sigh.

Of course they werent coming. They were frantically searching for the last clue. My hand crept into my pocket as I felt it folded there, the creases poking at the soft flesh of my palm.

Mike? Are you there? Did you go out of range?

I turned the walkie talkie off. I didnt need it anymore, anyway. Carefully, I picked up a handful of disturbed earth from the top of the makeshift grave. I poured it down the pipe and listened.

I heard the muffled exclamation, the series of expletives. I thought I could hear a thumping sound he must be hitting the top of the coffin. I smiled a little to myself as I poured some more dirt in through the pipe.

Bens struggles got louder and I felt a certain heat rising up in me. Oh, I knew it could be good, but I didnt know it could be good. This was incredible. This was perfect. This was .

Eventually, I grew bored of shoving the earth down into the coffin. I could hear Bens screaming and sobbing reverberating up the pipe. I yanked a handkerchief out of my back pocket and stuffed it inside. I made sure to plug it up good and tight.

It would only be a matter of time, now. Assuming he could regulate his breathing, he could possibly have a few hours. But I knew he was panicking. And that would simply serve to shorten his time.

The pounding grew weaker as I finished my beer. Once I was certain there was no saving him, I went to finish my work.

Ben was right everything really did go off without a hitch. I dont know what I was so worried about.

Id gone to find his lost sheep, the wayward participants who were scrambling in frustration for the last clue. I scolded them for making us wait so long, acted the part of the reluctant friend indulging his lunatic companion. I took them out to the grave. It was now past midnight.

They sat hushed as I gave the stupid speech that Ben had prepared for me. Everything seemed normal Id made sure to stow the rag before anyone could see it.

Friends, foes, and everyone in between. Tonight we gather to resurrect the ancient horror that has plagued mankind for centuries. Its tale, once a gruesome epic of blood and seduction, has become nothing more than commercialized fodder as society has aged. Now, the time has come for the phoenix to burn and rise again. So, too, shall the blood-soaked visage of the vampire! My voice resonated throughout the woods, and the morons in attendance clapped as they all reached for their shovels.

We dug him up in about half an hour. It was much faster work with his host of suckers. It was good that we reached the coffin quickly, because I could barely contain my excitement.

Two of the men opened the coffin and screamed. The women leaned in over the grave to peek as well, full of expectancy. There was something dreadful about the scene, to be sure.

Bens face had gone gray, sprayed over with a few specs of dirt. His hands were bloody, his fingernails pried off. Deep scratches decorated the top of the lid. The men who had opened his tomb dragged him out in a panic, unsure if this was part of the performance or not. A few moments of silent listening at his chest produced no heartbeat. The proclamation was definitive: he was dead.

They screamed. They called the police. They alternatively looked at his body and shielded themselves from its horror, enraptured yet struggling.

They ignored me.

But that was fine. It was fine because they were admiring my work, the work of the artist. Finally, I had been given this opportunity to prove my worth. Finally, I had found my sacrificial lamb. And it had been a rousing success. The heat raging in my body affirmed that much. I didnt even care if I was caught, so long as I could have this moment to hold for the rest of my life.

Ben was right. I should have known a man of principle never lies. And I owe him a debt of gratitude, for realizing the artist within me.

Art must be a little dangerous for it to be real.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/every-halloween-i-have-a-story-i-like-to-tell/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/172357360662

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samanthasroberts · 6 years