#i feel like theres a better way of wording this but I do not have it

[kindaasrikal]

So, Kai and Morro. Their similarities are the same amount to their differences.

Before in my Nya and Morro one i said how Kai (and Lloyd) are two of the most different to Morro. I still think that, but i also think they have their similarities.

The biggest similarity between Kai and Morro is how like minded they are when it comes to goals. They both gain one and fulfil it to the end, similarly to Nya. They would do anything to make sure their goal is achieved because not only would it benefit them but it would also benefit others. Impress others. Protect others.

This is driven by their passion as ninja and their need to become better. Their passion is what fuels them to keep going, to stay motivated in what they believe in or wish to achieve. Kai is shown as one of the most passionate people on the show, and Morro is shown to be just as passionate as him, and both their passion ends up not only fuelling them to achieve their goals, but also in their own anger and temper.

Their anger and outbursts tend to be fuelled by the passion backing them up in their opinions and beliefs, and they desperately need to get their points across and do that through their temper as its the easiest method (not the most effective tho). Both Kai and Morro are two individuals who at first had large egos, finding themselves and only the the ones most close to them as important (barely for Morro, the only person he cared for was Wu, who didn’t need any sort of protection or help). However, its shown for both of them that their egos were fragile things, quickly crumbling to bits as their prides took over. Their pride is what makes them so similar, their need to succeed and achieve better for whatever reason, whether its to be as strong as possible or whether to finally be important, a place.

But then things tend to differ.

Both Morro and Kai were orphans, dirt poor and unable to gain knowledge like how others their age do. Neither have a home, and neither had parents there to support them until later in life. But Kai had one thing that Morro didn’t, one person that created Kai’s whole purpose and need as a ninja. Someone to protect, some who was under his responsibility, someone like Nya.

Because Kai had Nya, he understood the need to protect and raise others up from the ground, he understood struggles of others and understood that he had to help others. Because of Nya, Kai gained his biggest qualities that developed with the ninja. His sympathy, his empathy, and his heart. He wanted to have the power of protecting, so the people he cared for didn’t need to worry anymore (so they wouldn’t leave him anymore).

Morro didn’t have that, he didn’t have somebody he needed to protect and have responsibility over. He only had himself, and it essentially turned his thought process into (undertale reference) “Kill or be killed” kinda situation. He had never relied on anyone, never needed anyone, and never had anyone need him.

Kai had a purpose, and it was to protect. Morro didn’t have a purpose, so he had a goal to motivate him.

People don’t tend to realise that the most smallest of situations, or words, or actions, can leave so much of an effect on a person. Especially a child.

Their situations were so similar, yet so insignificantly different that no one tends to notice how to drastically changed them as people.

I feel like theres more to add to this, and that i haven’t said my point correctly, but i have school in the morning and i need to sleet so enoughs enough. ALSO: im not comparing their situations as two orphans in a “who had it worse?” Kinda way, both their situations happen irl and shouldn’t be compared in such a way when they each have their own struggles. It was only to analyse how it affected them and the such, please take care of any child you see people they have it rough now a days 😭

#lego ninjago #morro ninjago #lego emo #ninjago morro #morro wu #ninjago #kai ninjago #ninjago kai #kai smith #ninjago nya #nya ninjago #nya smith #kai headcanons #morro headcanons

[pinazee]

Weekend warriors is one of my fave episodes for a multitude of reasons

The way Shawn flirts with Sally Reynolds at the briefing was fantastic. Shes such a memorable one off character and she doesn’t really do much. I credit that to Clair Coffee and her dazzling smile.

One of the best moments of Shawn showing just how amazing his memory is, and the little montage was wonderfully set up. But Gus really shouldn’t be surprised by now. Out of everyone (except maybe his dad) he should be the least amazed by his gifts.

It has my favorite most stupidest joke i still laugh at to this day actually ive been promoted. Its Captain Crunch now.

I have a deep appreciation of this show for never shying away from the fact that Gus is black. It seems like a lot of 00’s shows simply avoided the topic altogether (if they even had a black main). Starting from the pilot when gus placed his hands on the dash when the cop pulled them over. It goes to show how important it is to collaborate with your actors, particularly if your writing room demographics don’t correlate with your acting talent.

The fuck are you talking about henry. It took him 4 months after he was born to smile at you and thats when you acknowledge him??? I mean, i think they both know thats crap, but still lol

Solid Juliet moment. I love that they showed she was scared, but was brave enough to continue. Too many shows try to do feminism by making their female characters not feel fear for some reason? Or like, they’re kind of crazy and seek it out. Idk. Its nice that shes allowed to be afraid and vulnerable. It makes her feel like a real person.

THIS!

That end scene is the saddest fucking thing ive ever seen, and might be the most heartbreaking little shawn moment in the series. Im going to word for word this because i need ppl to share in my awwws

Shawn: Gus, when we grow up, think ill ever be as cool as you?

Gus: You’re better at kickball

Shawn: Not what I asked

Gus: We talking about your dad again?

Shawn: mm-hmm

Gus: Come on dude, the guy respects you

Shawn: Not like he does you

Gus: I’m not his son. I mean, he might like me okay, but he loves you

Shawn: Did he say that?

Gus: No.

Shawn: Well then how can you be sure?

Gus: You mean he’s never said it?

Shawn: Come on Gus, we’re guys.

SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE but i’m going to do that in my henry analysis ep. Theres just too much to say.

#im really trying not to let these get too long #but i love this ep so it was a special occasion #im just waiting for the perfect opportunity to talk about henry #but im definitely keeping tabs on all the fucked up shit hes doing or teaching him haha #psych #psych rewatch #shawn spencer #james roday rodriguez #james roday #burton guster #dulé hill #dule hill #shawn and gus #juliet o'hara #maggie lawson

[nuclear-smash]

Damn das crazy @topsytop347 can't believe how good the AI generation of Clip Studio Paint timelapses was back in 2022, even showcasing characters drawn in each separate layer!

Anyways, don't baselessly accuse random small artists' work of being AI generated, not only do you look silly as hell but you also give a platform for people who hate artists to further bully folks for having specific styles (that were all fed into bots! Literally not their fucking fault their style was stolen!) or for just simply having imperfections in their works.

That was a genuinely insulting comment, really don't have much to say lol. Lmao even.

Here's the original post in question in case anyone's wondering what's the 'AI-looking' art we're talking about is: https://www.tumblr.com/nuclear-smash/693038436893999105/tragic-tale-of-michael-afton

#that comment genuinely brought on some unspeakable rage in me :skull_emoji: #seriously tho as an artist and even animator im fearing every waking hour that eventually what i do as a passion will become obsolete #we're already losing opportunities to fucking bots and comments like that are just.. very discouraging to say the least #anyways lesson to be learnt here; dont assume something is instantly AI just based on a feeling if you dont know the artist at all #sometimes we make mistakes in our real HUMAN made art #hell some of us have inconsistent art styles cuz whoa! humans arent consistent who would've thought #theres way better ways to clock if something's ai generative content or not #hope my words and english make sense tho #yuba talks

[snickerdoodlles]

there's a lot of things people blame for why fandoms feel like ghost towns these days, but no one's really talked about the way discord's contributing to it

#its like #people are trying to force fit discord's chatrooms into forum boards #except discord is just. really really *really* poorly setup for that #and theres no way to archive or share it so everything said in it is easily lost despite personal export or community pins or search option #and like #vaguely hearing about the way some people are unsatisfied with them/feeling unfufilled in the response to them #a lot of people would be better off posting those things to places like tumblr #where there isnt a time limit on when people see or respond to them #part of what's scary/frustrating on tumblr rn is some fandoms arent good about reblogging to posts or tag rambling #like with bad buddy a large part of the fun was the enthusiastic and in depth tag rambles and the way responses built on each other #vs something like kinnporsche which feels much more like-oriented #like? its not like theres any one way to fandom #and there's nothing actually wrong with likes or quiet reblogs #but vaguely hearing about the way some people were/are really upset with some servers im just kinda like #idk #feels a bit like people trying to force a square thru a circle or that they're looking in the wrong spaces for what they want #.......this is not a complaint for my space ajkds i think i've carved out a pretty happy space for myself! #im just checking the reblog graphs of some old vs new stuff and thinking about a convo other cookie and i were having over the weekend #i have a lot of friends around and i love everyone who's happy to ramble with me #but i do feel a slight case of DM burnout rn where mostly people reach out to me via DMs instead of reblogs #which is a very different dynamic #its like. hmmm words #i love DMs but the pressure of responding to a lot of individual messages #vs something like reblogs which is more open forum for everyone and feels more communal #if that makes sense? #the difference between visiting one person at home vs casually hanging out with a group at a cafe #and the lovely thing about tumblr specifically is that i can set down a reblog chain for several days if i need #before returning to it later when i have more time/energy #its got Longevity that discord lacks u know #........okay enough tag musings from me ajkfhjdgfhj BYE

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished #and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing #or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol #inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!! #which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont #wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol #but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball #and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose #its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh #or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die #im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it #ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier #but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic #environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species #like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene #transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling. #i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt #teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff #what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready #my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol #unrelated

[voidcoretxt]

but there are lots of fish left in the sea, there are lots of fish in business suits that talk and walk on human feet & visit doctors & have weak knees ...Oh Please Let Me Join Your Cult..!!! Ill Paint My Face In Yr Colours!!!!!!! (u had a real nice face, i had an early death.)

#needed to. write these lyrics out #ultimately i think i was meant 2 be some1s dead love interest they nvr get over #no matter how many better more interesting people they meet #idk. being loved like that sounds nice. likeee have dead wife flashbacks about me lol. love me love me love me #but yeah anyway. i love these last few lines of the song #before the whole the ocean washed open/over your grave part (id have included it but i think it only works like. as music. not Just words) #its really nice. like there are lotsss of fish left in the sea but also. OH PLEASE LET ME JOIN YOUR CULT LET ME LET MWE LET ME #i like it. it Gets It. #i dont believw that im capable of like. understanding art tbh im kinda too stupid. even for car seat headrest! #and the interpretations of this song that ive read online are different than mine so like. lol. ure abt to read something so utterly stupid #but its like. the desperation. you will never love me but ill do anything to change that. please. Please. #i will worship you i will forsake any and all individuality i previously had please just let me be with you. please. Please. #ya know? #i cant say ive never felt that way before. cant say im not currently feeling like this still (im working on it tho. working working working #its a nice song. i like it. #anyway. gentlemen its been a wonderful evening but sadly ive got an ask to answer so i must leave. farewell godspeed etc #we will see eachother again once i find a song i like that was made in 2007 #voidcore.txt #goddd theres so many typos in this. tumblr please let me edit tags on mobile

[iron-sides]

been thinking lately about what kind of parent i think bruce is. and i think the thing is. i dont necessarily interpret him as deliberately going out of his way to hurt his kids, right? i think its just a matter of priorities and that they arent that high on his list. gotham will always come first, then the mission, then his morals, then the kids' wellbeing. and i think part of that is that-- because of robin-- he never really sees or treats them like kids.

they are his partners, and that makes them soldiers to him first, people second. he is their field commander before he is their father and thats why its okay to him to lie to them and to hit dick and to fuck them up psychologically. because it is for the good of the mission. because they arent his kids theyre his men. he'll take care of them but in the way a captain takes care of his soldiers. he doesnt want them to be injured not because he hates to see them hurt but because it takes them off the field. he sees gotham as a warzone and in batmans eyes (because bruce wayne hasn't been more than a vehicle for batman since that fateful night) nothing can take priority.

i think thats in large part why he struggles so much as they grow up. if they're growing into adults that means at one point they weren't adults. which means they were children. which means he should never have allowed them on the field. i do find it fascinating that the only child who he was present for their growing out of robin was dick. jason was with the league, and when tim gave up the mantle he was presumed dead. steph never got along as well with him as robin because she was no child and therefore did not take orders like one: she had already reached the point where things begin to go wrong.

i dunno this is all conjecture but i do find this to be his problem. it's not that he doesn't care because he does! he does! but because alfred was never truly a father to him he doesnt know how to be a father, only an army general.

#my thots #bruce wayne neg #idk how to tag this so im not going to #anti-batman #idk i think a lot of his actions and choices make more sense if he sees gotham as a warzone himself as the general and the kids as his #soldiers #and i use the word men deliberately and gender-neutrally btw! #its a whole other post but i think theres a lot to be said for his characterization wrt batgirl and this 'army' thing #i definitely think duke cass and babs dodged a massive bullet tho by not being robin formally #i mean duke was robin in the sense of like we are robin but. you know #bc i think this is very amplified by how closely batman and robin work together #and this is SO interrelated to my opinion that cass or helena would both be better at being batman. bc they dont do this shit #i also think this is tied to his trend of being far more violent when he doesnt have a robin? #like i think that since to him its a warzone. he feels justified in using whatever means necessary to 'ensure he gets home' #nevermind his armor superior weapons and superior skill #i do think it's impossible to read batman as anything other than a metaphor for police violence. well i mean you could but i don't #there's def a conversation to be had regarding hood v batman and similarity to cops but i think batman resembles one far more than hood #even if hood does kill people he doesn't do it the way cops do #but batmans violence without an emotional support child to hold him back.... well. #anyway that's a whole other post lol

[taikk0]

JUST SAYING ONCE I LEARN TO PRONOUNCE MY T'S PROPERLY ITS OVER FOR YOU BUTTNUGGETS

#IVE ALWAYS PRONOUNCED T'S WITH MY TONGUE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX IT ITS BEEN THAT WAY FOR SO LONG #BUT ONE DAY. I WILL PRONOUNCE MY T'S SO GOOD YOULL THINK IM A WHITE PERSON #WHAT SUCKS TOO IS THAT IM BILINGUAL WHILE ENGLISH IS MY FIRST LANGUAGE I SPEAK TAGALOG MOST OF THE TIME BECAUSE OF MY ENVIRONMENT SO I- #-HAVE NO PROPER WAY OF PRACTICING IT BC FILIPINOS PRONOUNCE T'S DIFFERENTLY BC OF THE LANGUAGE AND UNLESS IM IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING- #-SETTING THERES NO WAY IM GONNA BE ABLE TO PRACTICE CONSISTENTLY 💔💔 #even worse i slur over my words all the time. i have a stutter. i have VERY frequent voice cracks and when i try to suppress them i sound- #-ver odd. PLUS ADHD #idk if adhd might be one of the causes or of it gets added to the pile but dude i actually need help 💀💀 #but another problem is i dont think anyone would see the point in it #i communicate just fine its just that i have so much trouble communicating verbally (vocally?) in a way that isnt unnatural and in a way- #-that properly articulates what i want to say and how i say it. often i have so much trouble showing varied emotion to prove a point when- #-im referring or talking about something that isnt reactionary #LIKE DUDE WHY IS TALKING SO HARD 💔ALL PEOPLE CAN TALK WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH ALL PF THIS THIS SUCKS #which might be why i prefer writing what i want to say bc unlike talking the way i speak has nothing to do with it. i get given time to- #-think. and with an adhd brain writing what you want to say is so much better because typing it out involves the conscious decision to- #-type it all out and it acts as a filter #BLEFGGGH SORRY I KEEP BLABBERING ON THIS WSS SUPPPSED TO BE A SILLY LITTLE POST IDK WHY I WENT HAM IN THE TAGS #anyways umm yeah i dont like talking. i like communicating and maybe socializing tho. but not talking. does that make sense??? #there r also times where i straightup cant speak at all. i want to speak and i want to say things but my brain feels too busy or ig blank- #-but not empty and i cant form words or sentences and all i have are thoughts and feelings #anyways i think asl is neat and i want to learn it not just for my benefit but also for accessibility #also filipino sign language if im up for it #man there is something wrong w my brain 💀 #mikyomix rambles #yeah this one was a true ramble but only in the tags

[oatbugs]

the way my heart sank . lol

#tried to get on a call to study w my gf bc weve both been avoiding stuff we Have to do and its been making us anxious #but esp her bc shes been in this cycle for a while and shes struggling w it a lot . and i love her and i want the best for her #and all my friends r like u should push each other to do better even if its uncomfortable somewhat and i agree #so we were like. yh lets do stuff / get on our work tmrw even tho its anxiety-inducing etc...and then we got on a call #and this is the most like. bored/displeased ive ever heard her sound like she seemed extremely disinterested and even mildly irritated #and it honestly shocked me ??? so i ended the call bc i need to do work and it was making me sad #and im trying to listen to words more than tone but it was so extreme and such a sudden change that it literally wasnt good for me . im so #confused rn . like ik facing tasks youve been avoiding for months causes anxiety ik theres like a mental block around it that makes u not #want to deal w it or become irritated at ppl who suggest that you should #but omg?? it was so weird and like. when i said she was making me sad so i wanted to end the call she was like. ok 😐 #which is a fair response ig but shes never responded to me that way b4...like what is this what is happening... #i want smn who encourages me to move forward and who appreciated that i want them to do the same #instead of staying stagnant and anxious for months. i talked abt this before on here and everyone collectively was like Be More Patient and #work through it w her etc etc (my friends said the exact opposite tho) and i have been Trying To but its making me feel actively . bad. #like. im Afraid. #to bring it up . and then when i finally did say yh lets do smth lets get thru this tgth she just shut down on me somehow #idk what else i can do #i will talk to her abt it later i just need to work rn. i had to get this out of my system first. #shes so sweet and wonderful and supportive usually. but when it comes to thsi topic. im rly shocked idk #i knew she felt bad abt it but i thought she agreed to move through it w me and i didnt expect her to direct it at me #like whatever i said shed give me the coldest ok 😐. like. again nothing inherently wrong w that but when contrasted w #the way she talks to me usually there IS smth wrong it . its jarring and uncomfortable and made me rly upset bc it felt like she was mad at #me for trying to help . idk #UGH whatever ill talk 2 her later i have to do this lecture itll help distract me

[tragically-jane-doe]

** pretty much no type of media playing i.e TV shows,movies,tiktok,music im also including white noises like fans and such

#poll #i personally would rather die then be in silence i just cant do it #i always have at least tiktok or music going and then added yt vid or sum thing #even with a headache i cant stand silence it makes my skin crawl #im on tumblr so i also am neuro divergent #i feel like theres a better way to word the question but Idk #neurodivergent #neurotypical

[alirienn]

do elaborate on ness & kurona…..

the '''red''' sidekick (ik ness is purple, but it like, inches towards red, it's a reddish purple)

both play supporting roles and don't try to score for themselves

no eyebrows lol this one's a joke

very devoted to their respective partner (kaiser / isagi) at the expense of making their own goals (and a lot of charas' ego revolves around that n stuff)

starting to be a bit delusional here but i do think its possible their egos awaken at the same time, maybe not Bc of each other but it certainly could mirror (or they do see a reflection of themself in the other since their current role is to be support, they realise u need individualism to be an egoist or something like that

and then u get an interesting contrast where even tho they have similar roles, for a lack of better words, ness is unhinged and kurona is just trying to help

i think ness would hate seeing kurona is like him, even tho he's the same (bc they're the same)

i can also see ness taking his anger out on the person most important to isagi in this arc, the other half of his planet hotline, bc i believe in him getting worse (positive) (not the word im looking for but kaiser is... fair?? to an extent, like he'll acknowledge that his opponent is skilled, but ness? he won't agree no matter how hard u squeeze his headー tl;dr i can see him doing underhanded... things)

i consider any ship with my fav

i like their height difference, even tho we dunno what their heights are we can use my Isagi Yoichi Height Ruler™️ aka kurona's shorter than isagi, so ofc he's gonna be shorter than ness

i like the idea of ness bullying him, bc i like seeing my fav get bullied and also ness is like that, but at the same time i dont think kurona would take that sitting down so i also want to see him bite back, i want them to figuratively bite each other and fist fight

tl;dr i think they (can) mirror each other, if only they'd talk to each other 😔

this got so long i dont even know what i wrote , there might be other stuff i forgor about , it is what it is but i just think they could have an interesting dynamic mostly and i like any ship out of these four like i mentioned in my tags

also warning there's SO many tags on this one oh my god

#i dont know how to words as usual #theres just....theres just stuff you can do here and i can see it #id be the clown of this story if im way off and kurona never actually gets anything hahahahaha(negative #jk about being way off. who knows whats going to happen #im srs about kurona never getting any spotlight im like. legitimately worried about that but thats another thing #his role.... from a meta perspective.......... anyways #also #i would say kurona is selfless vs ness is selfish (as in his devotion to kaiser is to make Himself feel better #self inflicted dependency? i still dunno how to word this) but u could argue that kurona is only following isagi to be able to play HOWEVER #for the sake of playing i'll follow you) during the match it became real and it wasnt just about being able to play anymore #oops tangent that's a differnet pair( #ness/kurona mirror as a result of kaiser/isagi is entirely possible #i want to make it clear i dont ship them bc theyre 'leftovers' from kaiser/isagi. thinking about it like that makes me sad. #or mildly annoyed but not to a serious extent #its one of those things where if they were shipped bc they happened to be alone bc kaiser/isagi already exists then. i dont want that #anyway #i actually started writing a short fic about them where ness is just terrible #idk if i can get very far bc i usually have the most motivation writing for my otp #mailbox

[johnbleepingzoidberg]

having one of those stay-up-ridiculously-late-to-make-sure-we're-not-dying type of nights

#my mug i drank like 2 sips out of smelled like mildew #so i think there mightve been mold growing inside of it 😬 #nothing appeared wrong on the outside but I'm wondering if it has holes in it that cant really be seen and water got trapped inside of it #anyway theres really no logical way for me to have consumed a harmful amount of mold #like. at all. #i took 2 sips before realizing something was off. my tea tasted fine. it was the mug that smelled bad #and yet here we are at 4 am #one panic attack later #'if i survive 3 hours without anything happening then im fine' type logic #ocd 😀 #i guess i can blame my ocd for this idk #whatever who cares #im doing better just sleepy now #// unsanitary #is that how you tag triggers #idk #just felt like i needed to add that #because personally reading this kind of thing is enough to make me freak out/extremely uncomfortable #off topic (but not really) but damn i wish i properly knew what having ocd and anxiety meant when i was 10. #i wish little kid me had the words for how she was feeling #i wish i was diagnosed with ocd much earlier in life #but i couldnt have known any better #mine

[arolesbianism]

Why must I only be capable of coming up with cool art ideas long past midnight

#rat rambles #Ive been thinking abt hypothetical olivia jackie very very loose roleswap au and its just more doomed toxic yuri #itd just be jackie rapidly spiraling and doing stupid shit behind olivias backas olivia becomes more and more emotionally distant #jackie has this fun habit called self sabotaging in such a way that savotages everyone around her as well but way worse #and olivia has this fun habit called not noticing growing jackie problems until its too late #so all in all we get a less terrible gravitas (key word less Im not going to give olivia That much credit) and a far more unstable jackie #and that's saying a lot lol #jackie on her way to become the worlds worst lebian incel unethical scientiwait no thats already canon jackie post cancelled #you see this is why canon jackie is doomed to be worse than any bullshit I could pull off in a swap au because canon jackie has power #but it still is interesting thinking abt how gravitas would differ if primarily ran by olivia instead of jackie #mainly the big thing is that I dont think olivia would do a great job at noticing any decline in employee health being more distant from it #not deliberately so like jackie like olivia would still Try to build a good work environment I just dont know if shed do that good a job #I also feel like shed be equally hard to talk down from a potentially problematic project as jackie if she believed in it enough #olivia is proud of the work that she does and while she has better morals than jackie they still arent exactly ironclad #she and jackie both being self righteous is smth they have in common it just happens that olivia is usually in the right #but that's with the two of them theres plenty of other situations where olivia could easily be on the other end of the argument #which is why director olivia facinates me as a concept because it begs the question of how well could she manage to maintain her morals #she obviously Wants to maintain good morals but when in a position of power where her word always goes through would that falter at all? #maybe without even realizing its happening #youve made hard decisions before. what makes this different from the rest? maybe at some point it wont even feel difficult anymore #and maybe this in turn makes it harder for her to see the blood jackie tries to hide #because if she let herself notice that itd be impossible to ignore the blood on her own hands #meanwhile jackie is just being like maybe shell text me back if I keep breaking her trust itll work this time trust me #and then she proceeds to explode her brain or smth and gets printing podded and explodes again because shes somehow manage it #I just would want all three aus to be olivia having serious identity crisies while jackie reenacts ashfur amvs in the background

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

[nexus-nebulae]

damn i actually had a pretty good streak there of not having bad insomnia days. that's pretty impressive for me like i haven't really had one since early January

#usually i get them like. maybe once a week #i think it's partially my new meds? #got some meds for anxiety and oh my GOD i finally have something that WORKS instead of fucking lexapro AGAIN #literally all my doctors would go LEXAPRO!! even though it's never fuckin worked for me #BUT I'm on remeron now and it's WORKING #and i made sure to make my Scheduled Pill Time as something i could almost never miss (my mom getting home from work) #bc it's around the same time every day within a half hour range and since i have an outside reminder it helps me actually form a habit #i cannot form habits without outside help it's just. nearly impossible for me #and the meds do make me kind of tired but not enough that I'm fucking constantly sleeping like when i was on seroquel #i can actually fucking THINK through this tired it doesn't just completely take me out 100% of the time #I'm just Slightly Sleepy instead of a zombie #and it helps remind me that I'm tired bc usually i don't notice any physical feelings #(is there a word for that??????? i tried googling but it constantly gave me alexythemia which is not feeling EMOTION) #(when this is like. i can't feel tired or hungry or pain sometimes. or at least i lose the ability to be aware that I'm feeling it) #but anyway the new meds make me just tired enough to remember i need sleep #and i mean. i am sleeping slightly early but 8:30 isn't that bad i don't think #at least i have time to. you know. do stuff between the hours of 5-8 (the only hours my mom is home + stores is open) #and tbh staying up alone all night isn't. the best. for my mental health #i don't handle being alone well. and Pulse is being a dick about system barriers :P (/lh we know why it's needed rn) #we have. a deep deep fear of isolation. like not just being alone but Not Being Able To Call For Help At All #at least with phone/computer we have One outlet for help with emergency services so that helps slightly #we worry a lot about. what would happen. if we had a medical emergency. and nobody knew bc i couldn't contact anyone #mostly. the fear of Something Bad happening and not being found until hours or days later #i like being awake during the day tho bc theres Way More Options for help #and like the fear of Not Being Found doesn't go away like. ever #but at least when people are awake and around its lessened a lot #the fear increases exponentially with each possible second added to the wait time #so knowing that it's just One hour until mom is home and can check on me is a lot better than Nobody's Awake For 5 More Hours #(and my mom is deaf too so i can't just like. scream for help to wake her up) #(not that i can physically scream at all anyway my voice just cannot handle that anymore)

[hollisofficial]

every time i try to do smth on R studio i feel like my project is like the coding equivalent to a house cobbled together out of cardboard, ductape, gum, and hope.

#I DONT KNOW HOW TO CODE BROTHERS I AM IN THE FIRE . #LIKE . I FEEL LIKE MY STUFF IS GIGANTIC. AND MY PROFESSOR WRITES LIKE TWO LINES AND BOOM. BEAUTIFUL. #i literally just need like the means/medians of things and ik so little abt it thag the only way im figuring how to do it is by making like #a billion new datasets so i can do summary() on each one of em. #THERES GOTTA BE A BETTER WAY. WTF. #my coding knowledge is. giorgia sends me a code. i look at it for a really long time. i realize that if i replace certain words with other w #ords i can make the graphs different. the and. #m. #ik i should go to beautiful youtube academy and learn myself up but also like. i have other stuff i coulf be doing. like making a fursuit.