#i dont want to educate myself anymore i think maybe sometimes a little ignorance is good | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

incarnateirony · 5 years

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Omg

People need to stop using what they think are intellectual arguments to try to shade at shit while COMPLETELY MISUSING IT.

Example: There was a cross in the reunion episode!

Okay, great, let’s look at all the other uses of crosses. Oh look, episodes about faith, faith, faith, faith, faith, and faith. Right after not believing in anything, not backshadowing him with the cross, reuniting, and then having the cross, only to later confirm he now has faith.

Thing someone thinks is occam’s razor: It could mean anything any time and at any moment could mean something totally different without any regard to the base themes being employed literally every time. It could just mean resurrection like jesus!

What’s actually occam’s razor: The cross is tied to faith theme episodes. Like, I don’t know. The episode Faith.

Y’all stop. It’s like arguing from an angle of belligerently intentional ignorance.

And losing your patience with people who have no idea what they’re talking about downtalking at people who know what they’re talking about, after fucking up and making their own bed to begin with while they stomp around like a child and get other angry bitter people stomping with them to make a fuss -- getting annoyed, at any point, is in no way the sign of being the More Logical Person. Sometimes you’re so illogical you piss everybody around you that knows what’s up, off. See: Kelios.

If your only victory point is staying calm while you piss off people that know better, you’re not smarter. You’re just annoying. You know how there’s that “annoying stupid Republican” idea floating around out there where they just can’t say anything without being annoying or infuriating? It started somewhere. And it’s not because Someone Lost To Them. It’s because ain’t nobody got the time for their Headass.

PS: It’s not “stuck up” to cite your actual career, education, or whatever else after already being driven up a wall by a bunch of bitter fansplaining from people who can’t grasp concepts like the above. If someone’s talking on an elementary school level to a person who works in an industry, the person will first gently tell them how it works, and when the child starts kicking and huffing and throwing insults, will call a parent, but if no parent’s available, they get “you’ll understand when you grow up” and that’s essentially what’s happening here.

Being intentionally fucking numbskulled about things because someone wants to be bitter and act like they understand a business, when they literally do not understand the business, and have shown they do not know the business, and continue to insist to yell down at people that know about the business, eventually makes people who know the business go “You do know I’ve done this for a living and you’re totally on crack, right?”

If all of the people with Actual Experience are saying a thing, maybe you should stop trying to Fansplain or Hobbysplain shit to them and actually consider adjusting your perspective instead of acting entitled all the time.

Imagine trying to be a trainee in a workplace with this attitude.

Machinist: Okay, these are the lathe codes. Just use these, and avoid this one.

Trainee: What’ll happen if I enter this instead.

Machinist: Don’t, that jams up the machine for some reason.

Trainee: That doesn’t make any sense! You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Machinist: Look, kid. Just don’t. If anything goes wrong, hit this emergency stop button.

Trainee: I’ve read online that some of those buttons break the machine

Machinist: I... look. Hit emergency stop if anything goes wrong.

Trainee: Don’t tell me what to do.

Machinist: I been working here 30 years kid.

Trainee: That doesn’t matter, you’re just pulling the experience card, I’m skilled too.

Machinist: .....

[ 2 hours later Trainee punches in code he’s told not to and bores at a bad angle and burns out a multi-hundred-thousand-dollar machine because he didn’t use emergency stop, loses his job ]

Ask me how I know a story like this, while we’re at it.

Frankly, no. Alone, a degree doesn’t count for a whole lot. There’s an assload of educated idiots that manage a passing grade and then never see the profession in the real world. But when the people who have been out there, in the real world, dealing in an area, are telling you what they know, maybe you should give it some consideration. But when that degree is, say, a double degree lit professor, or that degree is someone in marketing that’s also run all levels of the actual industry for years on end, maybe they might know a little something about something that your basic lit course or bitterness aren’t taking into account.

Apologies to you, random blogger #89234 with an interest in a thing, but if the accumulated hobby information you’ve collected is outright in conflict (see machinist example) of How Things Actually Work, you cease being a supreme authority, and if you start acting like a little prick about it to people who actually know the ropes, well -- we can’t fire you from the internet (as appealing as that sounds at times), but we can deadass tell you “you have no idea what you’re talking about.” HOW DO U KNOW “BECAUSE I’VE DONE THIS FOR A LIVING.” HUrRruUrURRRr thAT donT meaN anyTHING

Yes, yes it does. It means I’ve been there, I’ve watched things be set up, be destroyed, transition, be debated over, been in the heart of it. It means I’ve watched friends lose their gigs and get sidelined and others take off so hard we barely maintain contact anymore. It means I’ve had to listen to marketing groups piss and moan over working titles because it’s not X enough for Y demographic (you want to know a pain in the ass? marketing test group runs for pagan mythology LGBT friendly content in a southern religious conservative region --and you know what, I can release that, because it’s mine and a discontinued project now; unlike, say, if one of us happened to land at a CW/SPN marketing test group somewhere and happened to have to sign an NDA about what they were polling about).

It means I watch when a TPTB family member posts in a private facebook group and it means I talk to the sound dev crews about how they make certain things -- not some one off room-mating or the occasional DM or whatever, because we can all talk actual shop and not fanbuzz; in fact, I’ve BEEN a roommate people tried to get stuff out of and they probably walked away thinking they were super in-the-know while there’s a thousand things I didn’t/couldn’t say but they’d never know; and it means I know which of my fandoms have shared PAs you guys never knew by name; it means they can actually break out about the kind of lenses and audio devices they used to perform a certain shot and the abstract methods they attained it and I can actually come back with a suggestion that doesn’t embarrass both of us to sit out there in the air; it means I know how to appeal to a shifting demographic and discuss the problems in limited circulation.

It means that I know how the gears of a machine work and don’t just sit from the outside going “well maybe it’s-” no, it’s this, this, and that. No, you don’t get to pontificate what you think Actually Is In It when I literally know What Is In It. That isn’t how reality works. Well you can, but the reality of it is that no, your opinion or Hot Take(TM) aren’t equal. I don’t care if you’ve gone to teaparties with them, I really don’t.

The quickest way to get someone from a creative team to disengage from actual content conversation and instead feeding you fluff is when you obviously have no idea of the machinations involved and are coming as a fan or hobbyist. You don’t think people can tell the difference. You think you sound like you’re exceptional. But when you open your mouth it takes about two seconds for us to know.

I can turn a regional studio owner’s ear in the middle of a freaking dollar general by saying a few things; or a major music producer; why? Because we’ve been there. And we’ve been there long enough when y’all try to come up talking like you know shit.

Reality: You don’t. I don’t care how many clickbait articles someone has written. I literally have 0% care for how much public facing PR you’re fed. Or anything you think is non-public facing that they were willing to give You, the general You, a fandomite or hobbyist or yes, reporter. Hell, the latter list of LOL tends to think X rando directing assistant or whatever will have All The Secrets at a business level. Thing is, when I was any kind of PA or adjacent, I sure as hell didn’t delude myself into knowing everything going on above my head, just what I needed to know. Do it long enough and yes, you learn the business mechanics themselves but no one person beyond the upper executives is gonna know everything. Each knows what their job specification is.

Frankly, again I say, if you want to really know what’s going on, you check out what marketing is polling, because that’s what Big Business is putting in discussion, and really, that’s that. Then again, if you get into the groups, enjoy that NDA, and not being able to tell anybody about anything about it, and just waving your arms emphatically about an idea that people try to lol about.

Am I talking SPN? Am I talking something else I worked on or attended or know about? In the end, does that really matter?

Not all topics come down specifically to experience and expertise within a subject, but some do, and if you’re out here acting like a twidiot over it, eventually, the people who work in it go, “look y’all bless your heart but we actually do this, so sit down?”

Nobody’s saying you CAN’T meta or lit crit without a degree or experience, but if you’re out there being a shady fuck towards people who literally know what they’re doing, with minimal to no actual substance to your shade, just convenience to those who want to believe you, then yes. The people who actually know what they’re doing > the people that don’t and are just ass speaking or throwing “what ifs” or “it could bes” on hunches regardless of the follower counts attached.

A lot of people do good meta or spec without a degree or experience, because they just have a good reading and, I don’t know, understand what shit like Occam’s Razor actually means. It’s not mandatory. But if you’re about to start swinging on someone, son, just because you’re piloted by bitterness and aren’t even thinking to 1+1 this charade, you should probably check your narcissism points if you’re butting off at-random against people who do have experience and a fairly synchronized understanding.

Or at least more than piss-poor long-disjointed sub-par disembodied and fractal arguments that sum to nothing, their captain wank planet forces combined.

There’s a pillar or two of meta and Destiel meta fandom I avoid like the plague because I can read it’s pure fluff and completely uncorroborated with an actual basic application of Occam’s Razor. That doesn’t mean I spend my time shading them or dragging their crap out or picking fights with them or just being a bitch about it on my blog.

A few people could learn from that.

#mildew #long post for ts

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cute-aggression-9 · 5 years

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I hate the fucking world, to many god damn fuckers it in. to many thoughts about societies all wrapped up together in this place called AMERICA. everyone has their own god damn opinions on every damn thing and you may be saying "well what makes you so different?". because I have something only me and V have, SELF AWARENESS, Call it exortenstiolism or whatever the fuck u want. we know what are to this world and what everyone else is. we learn more than what caused the civil war and how to simplify quadratics in school. we have been watching you people. we know what you think and how you act, all talk and no actions. people who are said to be brave or couragous are usually just STUPID then they say later that they did it on purpose cause they are brave when they did on fucking accident. GOD everything is so corrupt and so filled with opinions little and points of view and peoples' own little agendas and shedules. this isnt a world anymore, its H.O.E. and [no]one knows it. self awareness is a wonderful thing. I know I will die soon, so will you and everyone else. maybe will we be lucky and a comet will smash us back to day 1. people say it is immoral to follow others, they say be a leader. well here is a fuckin news flash for you stupid shits, everyone is a follower! everyone who says they arent a follower and then dresses diff. or acts diff. ... They got that from something they saw on TV or in film or in life. no originality, how many JO MAMMA jokes are there and how many do u think are original and not copied. KEINE. Its a fucking filthy place we live in. all these standards and laws and Great Expectations (webb) are making people into robots even though they might "think" they arent and try to deny it. no matter how hard they try to NOT copy someone I still AM! except for this fucking piece of paper right here, and B.T.W spelling is stupid unless I say. I say spell it how it sounds, it's the fuckin easiest way. hey try this sometime, when someone tells you something, ask "why?" eventually they will be stumped and cant answer anymore. thats because they only know what they need to know in society and school, not real life science. they will end up saying words to this "because! Just shut up!" people that only know stupid facts that arent important should be shot, what fucking use are they. NATURAL SELECTION. KILL all retards, people w/ brain fuck ups, drug adics, people cant figure out to use a fucking lighter. GEEEAWD! people spend millions of dollars on saving the lives of retards, and why. I don't buy that shit like "oh hes my son though!" so the fuck what, he aint normal, kill him, put him out his misery. he is only a waste of time and money, then people say "But he is worth the time, he is human too" no he isnt, if he was then he would swalow a bullet cause he would realize what a fucking waste and burden he was. -- 4/10/98 as I said before, self awareness is a wonderful thing. I know what all you fuckers are thinking and what to do to piss you off and make you feel bad. I always try to be different, but I always end up copying someone else. I try to be a mixture of different things and styles but when I step out of myself I end up looking like others or others THINK I am copying. One big fucking problem Is people telling me what to fuckin do, think, say, act, and everything else. Ill do what you say IF I feel like it. But people (I.E. parents, cops, God, teachers) telling me what to [arrow points to do, think, say, act, and everything else] just makes me not want to fucking do it! thats why my fucking name is REB!!! no one is worthy of shit unless I say they are, I feel like GOD and I wish I was, having everyone being OFFICIALLY lower than me. I already know that I am higher than almost anymore in the fucking welt in terms of universal Intelligence and where we stand in the universe compared to the rest of the UNIV. and if you think I dont know what Im talking about then you can just "ßUCK DICH" and saugen mein Hund! Isnt america supposed to be the land of the free? how come, If im free, I cant deprive a stupid fucking dumbshit from his possessions If he leaves then sitting in the front seat of his fucking van out in plain sight and in the middle fucking nowhere on a Fri fucking day night. NATURAL SELECTION. fucker should be shot. same thing with all those rich snotty toadies at my school. fuckers think they are higher than me and everyone else with all their $ just because they were born into it? Ich denk NEIN. BTW, "sorry" is just a word. it doesnt mean SHIT to me. everyone should be put to a test. an ULTIMATE DOOM test, see who can survive in an environtment using only smarts and military skills. put them in a doom world. no authority, no refuge, no BS copout excuses. If you cant figure out the area of a triangle or what "cation" means, you die! if you cant take down a demon w/ a chainsaw or kill a hell prince w/ a shotgun, you die! fucking snotty rich fuckheads [Censored by J.C.Sheriff Office] who rely on others or on sympathy or $ to get them through life should be put to this challenge. plus it would get rid of all the fat, retarded, crippled, stupid, dumb, ignorant, worthless people of this world. no one is worthy of this planet only me and who ever I choose. there is just no respect for anything higher than your fucking boss or parent. everyone should be shot out into space and only the people I saw should be left behind. 4/12/98 ever wonder why we go to school? besides getting a so called education. its not to obvious to most of you stupid fucks but for these who think a little more and deeper you should realize it. its societies way of turning all the young people into good little robots and factory workers thats why we sit in desks in rows and go by bell schedules, to get prepared for the real world cause "thats what its like". well god damit no it isnt! one thing that seperates us from other animals is the fact that we can carry on actual thoughts. so why don't we? people go on day by day. rutine shit. why cant we learn in school how we want to. why cant we sit on desks and on shelves and put our feet up and relax while we learn? cause thats not what the "real world is like" well hey fuckheads, there is no such thing as an actual "real world". its just another word like justice, sorry, pity, religion, faith, luck and so on. we are humans. if we dont like something we have the fucking ability to change! but we dont, atleast U dont. I would. U just whine/bitch thoughtout life but never do a goddamn thing to change anything. "man can eat, drink, fuck, and hunt and anything else he does is madness" - Based on Lem's quote. boy oh fuckin boy is that true. when I go NBK, and people say things like, "oh it was so tragic," or "oh he is crazy!" or "It was bloody!" I think, so the fuck what, you think thats a bad thing? just because your mommy and daddy told you blood and violence is bad, you think its a fucking law of nature? wrong, only science and math are true, everything, and I mean everyfuckingthing else is man made. my doctor wants to put me on medication to stop thinking about so many things and to stop getting angry. well, I think that anyone doesnt like me is just bullshitting themselves. try it sometime if you think you are worthy, which you probly will you little shits, drop all your beliefs and views and ideas that have been burned into your head and try to think about why your here. but I bet most of you fuckers cant even think that deep, so that is why you must die. how dare you think that I and you are part of the same species when we are sooooooo different. you arent human you are a Robot. you dont take advantage of your capabilites given to you at birth. you just drop them and hop onto the boat and headdown the stream of life with all the other fuckers of your type. well god damit I wont be a part of it! I have thought to much, realized to much, found out to much, and I am to self aware to just stop what I am thinking and go back to society because what I do and think isnt "right" or "morally accepted" NO, NO, NO GOD FUCKING DAMIT NO!I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts. but before I leave this worthless place, I will kill who ever I deam unfit for anything at all. especially life. and i fyou pissed me off in the past, you will die if I see you. because you might be able to piss off others and have it eventually all blow over, but not me. I dont forget people who wronged me. like [Censored by J.C. Sheriff Office] he will never get a chance to read this because he will be dead by me before this is discovered -- 4/21/98 The human race sucks. human nature is smuthered out by society, jobs, and work and school. instincts are deleted by laws. I see people say things that contradict themselves, or people that dont take any advantage to the gift of human life. they waste their minds on memorizing the stats of every college basketball player or how many words should be an a report when they should be using their brain on more important things. the human race isnt worth fighting for anymore. WWII was the last war worth fighting and was the last time human life and human brains did any good any made us proud. now, with the government having scandals and conspiracies all over the fucking place and lying to everyone all the time and with worthless pointless mindless discraceful TV shows on (scratched out) and with everyone ub-fucking-sessed with hollywood and beauty and fame and glamour and politics and anything famous, people just arent worth saving. Society may not realize what is happening but I have; you go to school, to get used to studying and learning how youre "supposed to" so that drains or filters out a little bit of human nature. but thats after your parents taught you whats right and wrong even though you may think differently, you still must to have more of your human nature blown out of your ass. society trys to make everyone act the same by burying all human nature and instincts. Thats what school, laws, jobs, and parents do If they realize it or not and them, the few who stick to their natural instincts are casted out as psychos or lunatics or strangers or just plain different. crazy, strange, weird, wild, these words are not bad or degrading.. if humans were let to live how we would naturaly it would be chaos and anarchy and the human race wouldnt probably last that long, but hey guess what, thats how its supposed to be!!!!! society and goverments are only created to have order and calmness, which is exactly the opposite of pure human nature. take away all your laws and morals and just see what you can do. if the goverment was one entity it would be thinking "hey, lets make some order here and calm these crazy fucks down so we can be constructive and fight other goverments in our own little so called self created "civilizied world" and get rid of all those damn insticts everyone has" well shit I'm to tired wright anymor tonight, so until next time, fuck you all -- 5/6/98 It has been confirmed, after getting my yearboook and watching people like [censored] and [censored] the human race isn't worth fighting for, only worth killing. give the Earth back to the animals, they deserve it infinitely more than we do. nothing means anything more, most quotes are worthless, especially the rearranged ones like "dont fight your enemies, make your enemies fight" you know, quotes that use the same phrase just rearranged, Dumbfuck shit [illegible] wear. its funny, people say "you shouldn't be so different." to me, and 1st I say fuck you dont tell me what I should and shouldn't be and 2ND mother fuckers different is good, I dont want to be like you or anyone which is almost impossible this day w/ all the little shits trying to be "original-copycats", I expect shits like you to criticize anyone who isnt one of your social words; "normal" or "civilized" - see tempest and Caliban. allyou degrading worthless shits. all caught up and brainwashed into the 90's society. "what? you AREN'T going to college, are you are crazy!" holy SHIT that is one fucking BIG Quote that just proves my point. step back and look at yourself fuckers, I dare you, maybe I'll get lucky and you'll step back to far like Nick in Elm3. w/ the same concequence. -- 5/9/98 wooh, different pen. HA! alright you pathetic fools listen up; I have figured it out. the human race strives for exellence in life and community always wanting to bring more =good= into the comm. and nulify =bad= things. anyone who thinks differently than the majority or the leaders is deamed "unusual" or weird or crazy. people want to be a part of something; a family, a service, a club, a union, a community, whatever. thats what humans want. who cares waht you as an individual thinks, you must do what you are told, whether it is jump of a bridge or drive on the right side of the road. protesters in the past protested because the human race that was dominant (Ghandi and the Brits or the king and the americans) wasnt working out = they had fault = they failed = their ideas didnt work. humans dont change that much, they only get better technology to do their work quicker/easier. people always say we shouldnt be racist. why not? Blacks ARE different, like it or not they are. they started on the bottom so why not keep em there. it took the centuries to convince us that they are equal but they still use their color as an excuse or they just discriminate us because we are white. Fuck you, we should ship yer black asses back to Afri-fucking-ca were you came from. we brought you here and we will take you back. America=White. Gays....well all gays, ALL gays, should be killed. mit keine fragen. lesbians are fun to watch if they are hot but still, its not human. its a fucking disease. you dont see bulls or roosters trying to fuck do you? no, I didn't think so. women you will always be under men. its been seen throughout nature, males are almost always doing the dangerous shit while the women stay back. its your animal instincts, deal with it or commit suicide, just do it quick. thats all for now. -- 5/20/98 If you recall your history the Nazis came up with a "final solution" to the Jewish problem... kill them all. well incase you havent figured it out yet, I say, "K I L L M A N K I N D" no one should survive. we all live in lies. people are saying they want to live in a perfect society, well utopia doesnt exist. It is human to have flaws. you know what, Fuck it. why should I have to explain myself to you survivors when half of the shit I say you shitheads wont understand and if you can then woopie fucking do. that just means you have something to say as my reason for killing. and the majority of the audience wont even understand my motives either! they'll say "ah, hes crazy, hes insane, oh well, I wonder if the bulls won." you see! it's fucking worthless! all you fuckers should die! DIE! what the fuck is the point if onlu some people see what I am saying, there will always be ones who dont, ones that are to dumb or naive or ignorrant or just plain retarded. If I cant pound it into every single persons head then it is pointless. fuck mercy fuck justic fuck morals fuck civilized fuck rules fuck laws... DIE manmade words...people think they apply to everything when they dont/cant. theres no such thing as True Good or True Evil, its all relative to the observer. its just all nature, chemistry, and math. deal with it. but since dealing with it seems impossible for mankind, since we have to slap warning labels on nature, then... you die. burn, melt, evaporate, decay, just go the fuck away!!!! YAAAAAH!!!! - 6/12/98- KEIN MITLEID "when in doubt, confuse the hell out the enemy" - Fly 9/2/98 wait mercy doesnt exist.... heres something to chew on....: today I saw a program on the discovery channel about satelites and radar and aircraft and stuff, and at the end of the show the narrator said some things that made me think "damn, we are so advanced, we kick ass, america is awesome, we have so many things in our military, we would kick anyones ass." for a minute I actually had some pride in our nation.... then I realized, "hey, this only the Good things that I am seeing here. only the Pros, not the cons. maybe thats what people see, only the Pros, and thats why they are under control. but me, I see all... you can only blind me for so long. but alas, I have realized that Yes, the human race is still indeed doomed. It just needs a few kick starts, like me, and hell, maybe even [censored]. If can whipe a few cities off the map, and even the fuckhead Holding the map, then great. hmm, just thinking if I want ALL humans dead or maybe just the quote-unquote "civilized, developed, and known-of" places on Earth. maybe leave little tribes of natives in the rain forest er something. hmm, I'll think about that. eh. done for tonight -REB- 6/13/98 As part of the human race, and having the great pleasure of being blessed with a brain, I can think. Humans can do whatever they want. There are no laws of nature that prevent humans from making choices. maybe from actually DOING some of those choices, but not from making the choice. If a man choosses to speed while driving home one day, then it is his fault for whatever happens. If he crashes into a school bus full of kidies and they all burn to death, its his fault. Its only a tragedy if you think it is, and then its only a tragedy in your own mind. so you shouldn't expect others to think that way also. it could also be a miracle for another person. maybe the bus stopped the car from plowing into a little old lady walking on the sidewalk. one could think it was a "miracle" that she wasnt hit. you see, anything and everything that happens in our world is just that, a HAPPENING. anything else is relative to the observer, but yet we try to have a "universal law" or "code" of what is good and bad and that just isnt fucking correct. we shouldn't be allowed to do that. we arent GODS. just because we are at the top of the food chain with our technology doesnt mean we can be "judges" of nature. sure we can think what we can think what we want, but you can "think" and "believe" you can judge people and nature all you want, but you are still wrong! why should your morals apply to everyone else. "morale" is just another word. and thats it. I think we are all a waste of natural resources and should be killed off, and since humans have the ability to choose... and I'm human... I think I will choose to kill and damage as much as nature allows me to so take that. fuck you, and eat napalm + lead! HA! only Nature can stop me. I know I could get shot by a cop after only killing a single person, but hey guess the fuck WHAT! I chose to kill that one person so get over it! Its MY fault! not my parents, not my brothers, not my friends, not my favorite bands, not computer games, not the media. IT is MINE! go shut the fuck up! -REB- 7/29/98 someones bound to say "what were they thinking?" when we go NBK or when we were planning it, so this what I am thinking. "I have a goal to destroy as much as possible so I must not be sidetracked by my feelings of sympathy, mercy, or any of that, so I will force myself to believe that everyone is just another monster from Doom like FH or FS or demons, so It's either me or them. I have to turn off my feelings." keep this is mind, I want to burn the world, I want to kill everyone except about 5 people, who I will name later, so If you are reading this you are lucky you escaped my rampage because I wanted to kill you. It will be very tricky getting all of our supplies, explosives, weaponry, ammo, and then hiding it all and then actually planting it all so we can achieve our goal. but if we get busted any time, we start killing then and there, just like Wilks from the AlIENS books, I aint going out without a fight. Once I finally start my killing, keep this in mind, there are probably about 100 people max in the school alone who I dont want to die, the rest, MUST FUCKING DIE! If I didnt like you or if you pissed me off and lived through my attacks, consider yourself one lucky god damn NIGGER. Pity that a lot of the dead will be a waste in someways, like dead hot chicks who were still bitches, they could have been good fucks. oh well, too fucking bad. life isnt fair... not by a long fuckin shot when Im at the wheel, too. God I want to torch and level everything in this whole fucking area but Bombs of that size are hard to make, and plus I would need a fuckin fully loaded A-10 to get every store on wadsworth and all the buildings downtown. heh, Imagine THAT ya fuckers, picture half of denver on fire just from me and Vodka. napalm on sides of skyscrapers and car garages blowing up from exploded gas tanks.... oh man that would be beautiful. -- 10/23/98 you know what, I feel like telling about lies. I lie a lot. almost constant. and to everybody, just to keep my own ass out of the water. and by the way (side note) I dont think I am doing this for attention, as some people may think. lets see, what are some big lies I have told; "yeah I stopped smoking," "for doing it not for getting caught," "no I'm havent been making more bombs," "no I wouldn't do that," and of course, countless of other ones, and yeah I know that I hate liers and I am one myself, oh fucking well. Its ok If I am a hypocrite, but no one else. because I am higher then you people, no matter what you say if you disagree I would shoot you And I am one racist mother fucker too, fuck the niggers and spics and chinks, unless they are cool, but sometimes they are so fucking retarded they deserve to be ripped on. some people go through life begging to be shot. and white fucks are just the same. if I could nuke the world I would, because so far I hate you all. there are probly around 10 people I wouldnt want to die, but hey, who ever said life is fair should be shot like the others too. - 11/1/98 heh heh heh. I sure had fun this weekend. lets see, what really happened. before going to the Rock n Bowl we stopped by King Soopers and one and [censored] picked up some big ass stoges. we then went to the Rock n Bowl and I had a few cigarettes and one of brand new cigars. we then went back to [censored] house where her mom had previousely bought us all a fuck load of liquor. personally I had asked for Tequilla and Irish cream, Vodka got his vodka, and there was beer, whiskey, schnopps, puckers, scotch and of course, orange juice! so we had some fun there playing cards and making drinks. we eventually made it to bed at about 5AM. got up at 10, went to safeway got some donouts and then I took Vodka home. the bottle of Tequilla is almost full and is in car, right by my spare tire and right by the bottle of irish cream. heh heh. I'll have to find a spot for those. and by the way, this nazi report is boosting my love of killing even more. like the early Nazi government, my brain is like a sponge, sucking up everything that sounds cool and leaving out all that is worthless, thats how Nazism was formed and thats how I will be too! 11/8/98 Fuck you Brady! all I want is a couple of guns, and thanks to your fucking bill I will probably not get any! come on, I'll have a clean record and I only want for personal protection. Its not like I'm some person who would go on a shooting spree.... fuckers. Ill probably end up nuking everything and fucking robbing some gun collectors house. Fuck, thatll be be hard. oh well, just as long as I kill a lot of fucking people. Everyone is always making fun of me because of how I look, how fucking weak I am and shit, well I will get you all back: ultimate fucking revenge here. you people could have shown more respect, treated me better, asked for my knowledge or guidence more, treated me more like senior, and maybe I wouldn't have been as ready to tear your fucking heads off. then again, I have always hated how I looked, I make fun of people who look like me, sometimes without even thinking sometimes just because I want to rip on myself. Thats where a lot of my hate grows from, the fact that I have practically no selfesteem, especially concerning girls and looks and such. therefore people make fun of me... constantly... therefore I get no respect and therefore I get fucking PISSED. as of this date I have enough explosives to kill about 100 people, and then if I get a couple bayonetts, swords, axes, whatever I'll be able to kill at least 10 more. and that just isnt enough! GUNS! I need guns! Give me some fucking firearms! 11/12/98 HATE! I'm full of hate and I Love it. I HATE PEOPLE and they better fucking fear me if they know whats good for em. yes I hate and I guess I want others to know it, yes I'm racist and I don't mind. Niggs and spics bring it on themselves, and another thing, I am very racist towards white trash p.o.s.s like [censored] and [censored] they deserve the hatred, otherwise I probly wouldnt hate them. Its a tragedy, the human nature of people will lead to their downfall. Peoples human nature will get them killed. whether by me or Vodka, Its happened before, and not just in school shootings like those pussy dumbasses over in Minnesota who squeeled. throughtout history, Its our fucking nature! I know how people are and why and I cant stand it! I love the nazis too... by the way, I fucking cant get enough of the swastika, the SS, and the iron cross. Hitler and his head boys fucked up a few times and it cost them the war, but I love their beliefs and who they were, what they did, and what they wanted. I know that form of gov couldn't have lasted long once the human equation was brought in, but damnit it sure looked good. every form of gov leads to downfalls, everything will always fuck up or yeah something. its all DOOMed god damnit. this is beginning to make me get in a corner. I'm showing too much of myself, my views and thoughts, people might start to wonder, smart ones will get nosey and something might happen to fuck me over, I might need to put on one helluva mask here to fool you all some more. fuck fuck fuck it'll be very fucking hard to hold out until April. If people would give me more compliments all of this might still be avoidable... but probably not. Whatever I do people make fun of me, and sometimes directly to my face. I'll get revenge soon enough. fuckers shouldn't have ripped on me so much huh! HA! then again its human nature to do what you did... so I guess I am also attacking the human race. I cant take it, Its not right... true... correct... perfect. I fucking hate the human equation. Nazism would be fucking great if it werent for individualism and our natural instinct to ask questions. you know what maybe I just need to get laid. maybe that'll just change some shit around. thats another thing, I am a fucking dog. I have fantasies of just taking someone and fucking them hard and strong. someone like [censored] were I just pick her up, take her to my room, tear off her shirt and pants and just eat her out and fuck her hard. I love flesh... weisses fleisch! dein weisses fleisch emegt mich soo... Ich bin dech nur ein gigilo! I want to grab a few different girls in my gym class, take them into a room, pull their pants off and fuck them hard. I love flesh... the smooth legs, the large breasts, the innocent flawless body, the eyes, the hair; jet black, blond, white, brown. ahhh I just want to fuck! call it teenage hormones or call it a crazy fuckin racist rapist... BJ ist mir egal. I just want to be surrounded by the flesh of a woman, someone like [censored] who I wanted to just fuck like hell, she made me practically drool, when she wore those shorts to work.. instant hard on. I couldnt stop staring. and others like [censored] in my gym class, [censored] or whatever in my gym class, and others who I just want to overpower and engulf myself in them. mmmm I can taste the sweet flesh now... the salty sweat, the animalistic movement... Iccchhh... lieeebe...... fleisccchhhh. who can I trick into my room first? I can sweep someone off their feet, tell them what they want to hear, be all nice and sweet, and then "fuck em like an animal, feel them from the inside" as Reznor said. oh... thats something else... that one NIN video I saw, broken or closer or something, the where the guy is kidnapped and tortured like hell... actual hell. I want to do that too. I want to tear a throat out with my own teeth like a pop can. I want to gut someone with my hand, to tear a head off and rip out the heart and lungs from the neck, to stab someone in the gut, shove it up to the heart, and yank the fucking blade out of their rib cage! I want to grab some weak little freshman and just tear them apart like a fucking wolf. show them who is god. strangle them, squish their head, bite their temples into the skull, rip off their jaw. rip off their colar bones, break their arms in half and twist them around, the lovely sounds of bones cracking and flesh ripping, ahh... so much to do and so little chances. -- 11/17/98 "weisses fleisch" - perfect - song - for - me Well folks, today was a very important day in the history of R. Today along with Vodka and someone else who I wont name, we went downtown and purchased the following; a double barrel 12ga. shotgun, a pump action 12ga. shotgun, a 9mm carbine, 250 9mm rounds, 15 12ga slugs, 40 shotgun shells, 2 switch blade knives, and total of 4 - 10 round clips for the carbine. we....... have.... GUNS! we fucking got em you sons of bitches! HA! HAHAHA! neener! Booga Booga. heh. its all over now. this capped it off, the point of no return. I have my carbine, shotgun, ammo and knife all in my trunk tonight and theyll there till tomorrow... after school you know its really a shame. I had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were there dad. we would done some major bonding. would have been great. oh well. but, alas, I fucked up and told [censored] about my "flask". that really disappoints me. [censored] I know you thought it was good for me... in the long run and all that shit, smart of you to give me a such big raise and then rat me out, you figure it was supposed to cancel each other? god damn flask, that just fucked me over big time. now you all will be on my ass even more than before about being on track. I'll get around it though, If have to cheat and lie to everyone then thats fine. THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want to do with my life! you know whats weird, I dont feel like a punching through a door because of the flask deal, probly cause I am fucking armed now. I feel more confident, stronger, and more Godlike. I have confidence in my ability to dese(cei)ve people. hopefully Ill make it to April, but that might not happen. Ug, Its been a busy weekend, I need to sleep, I'll continue tomorrow. 11/22/98 yesterday we fired our first actual firearms ever. 3 rounds from the carbine. taught that ground a thing or 2. I even had the 2 clips in my pocket while talking to vodkas dad about senior ditch day. God it felt great firing off that bad boy, and hopefully I'll be able to get more than just 4 clips for it. I dubbed my shotgun "Arlene" after Arlene Sanders from the DOOM books. She always did love the shotgun. Vodka's DB is looking very fucking awesome, all cut down to the proper lengths. this is a bitch trying to keep up on homework while working on my guns, bombs, and lying. by the way, I bought that flask in the mall and I had a friend fill it up w/ scotch whiskey, only had about 3 swigs in the 3 weeks I had it. plus monday I gave my T and IC to Vodka, just in case. I never really did like alcohol, just wasn't my thing, but It felt good to just have around. that argument on the 22nd was a real bitch, but I think I should have won a fucking oscar. I even quoted a few movies, remember "what the hell am I gonna do now man?! what am I gonna do!?" thats good ole Hudson from aliens. Sounded good too. and hey goddamnit I would have been a fucking great marine, It would have given me a reason to do good. and I would never drink and drive, either. It will be weird when we actually go on the rampage. hopefully we will have plenty of clips and bombs. Im gonna still try and get my calico 9mm. just think, 100 rounds without reloading.... hell yeah! We actually may have a chance to get some machine pistols thanks to the Brady bill. If we can save up about 200$ real quick and find someone who is 21+ we can go to the next gun show and find a private dealer and buy ourselves some bad-ass AB-10 machine pistols. Clips for those things can get really fucking big too. 12/3/98 Woohoo, I'll never have to take a final again! feels good to be free. I just love Hobbes and Nietzche. Well tomorrow I'll be ordering 9 more 10 round clips for my carbine. I'm gonna be so fucking loaded in about a month. the big things we need to figure now is the time bombs for the commons and how we will get them in and leave then there to go off, without any fucking Jews finding them. I wonder if anyone will write a book on me. sure is a ton of symbolism, double meanings, themes, appearance vs reality shit going on here. oh well, it better be fuckin good if it is writtin. 12/17/98 heh, get this. KMFDM's new album is entitled "Adios" and it's release date is in April. how fuckin appropriate, a subliminal final "Adios" tribute to Reb and Vodka. thanks KMFDM... I ripped the hell outa the system 12/20/98 jesus christ that was fucking close. fucking shitheads at the gun shop almost dropped the whole project. oh well, thank god I can BS so fucking well. I went and picked up those babies today, so now I got 13 of those niggers. WOOHAH. the stereo is very nice, but having no insurance payments to worry about so I could concentrate of BOMBS would have been better. oh well, I think I'll have enough. now I just need to get Vodka another gun. 12/29/98 Months have passed. Its the first Friday night in the final month. much shit has happened. Vodka has a Tec 9, we test fired all of our babies, we have 6 time clocks ready, 39 crickets, 24 pipe bombs, and the napalm is under construction. Right now I'm trying to get fucked and trying to finish off these time bombs. NBK came quick. why the fuck cant I get any? I mean, I'm nice and considerate and all that shit, but nooooo. I think I try to hard. but I kinda need to considering NBK is closing in. The amount of dramatic irony and foreshadowing is fucking amazing. Everything I see and I hear I incorporate into NBK somehow. Either bombs, clocks, guns, napalm, killing people, any and everything finds some tie to it. feels like a Goddamn movie sometimes. I wanna try to put some mines and trip bombs around this town too maybe. Get a few extra flags on the scoreboard. I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. And no don't fucking say, "well thats your fault" because it isnt, you people had my phone #, and I asked and all, but no. no no no dont let the weird looking Eric KID come along, ohh fucking nooo. 4/3/99

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thisisallaboutusbabe · 4 years

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Growthapart

Introduction

Most of the authors are correct with what they are trying to point out in thier masterpiece. Do you still remember The Road Not Taken by Frost from your 7th grade? I hope you do, because i took that road, been taking that beautiful road.

I am writing this not because im stucked in Enhanced Community Quarantine due to Corona virus pandemic, but because someday i want to read what i amariting and will be writing from today and the days forward. Idont know where is this going and how im gonna put into words everything what's on my mind. Though education graduate, i am not good at narrating and remembering things just so you know everything im gonna right here from letters a-z means speacial to me, and to my boyfriend. Yes you read it right. I hope youre not a sexist and will continue reading after digesting what you have just read.

The beginning.

It was June 2019 when I was hired. Been so excited since this is my first job. Though there are no clsses yet, The institution wants us to be present all the days of June just to make acquaitance and sort of trainings as well. In the first few weeks, it was only me,Teacher E,Teacher I, Teacher J and Teacher J. But as the days goes by, the faculty members gets bigger. There was only 4 male teachers in the group and one was added on the third or fourth week of June. Im not sure. I've told you that in my opening statements. (I thought you just need some validation.lol) and after letting him sit near in the group, i knew what is his name, J. J,as a psychology graduate, has been very keen and i knew that day he doesnt like me. i tried to be one of his friends but the universe was making me not to like him anymore....as a friend.( just making evrything clear.) There was this moment that i asked him about something i totally have forgotten. Good thing is he answered my open-ended question which was answerable by yes or no but he disnt take a pause but he keeps on walking. Atleast he answered. That day i realized that i shouldn't let myself be treatd that way by someone i just met. That incident broke my heart a little. The feeling of being ignored cannot be easily taken away. But hey, its just a one person, I still have the other teachers i mentioned a while ago. You shouldn't let someone treat you like your nobody. If you tried and you think its not really gonna work, leave them. Don't be afraid to lose people in your life.

Teacher's day 2019

It was an adventure with me,J Teacher E, which companied by her boyfriend, P and his bestfriend,ATe five of us. Do not wonder why I didnt mention Irish. That bitch ditch us. She was drunk and spend money for alcohols. Well shes not the only one who was drunk thatroning, Also Jbut he made it anyway. And that is what makes no-to-indianan E real mad, as she is really hot headed.

We made it to Enchanted Kingdom!!! We really enjoyed each other. We ate in a cheap restaurant, we laughed, we told stories, we had the chance to know each other. Remember A? Esbestfriend. Oh good. The bery first day i met him, i know I had a crush on him. not because of his body figure but because of his height,look and porma.

After K and i broke up for less than 3 weeks, i started talking to someone and his name is A. Well, he is nice. We added oirselves on facebook so ofcourse we talked about anything. After weeks or a month of talking , i followed him on instagram but never followede me back. I waited for a notification, but there was none. I knew from that moment its going no where, so we stopped.

After days or a month, (I AM NOT SURE AGAIN THOUGH I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE DETAILS I JUST COULDNT REMEMBER WHEN EXACTLY) Jervin and I became friends. We told about anything about ourselves gradually and clearly finding out what we truly are. There were so many times we stayed and slept at home but i will never forget the moemnt i was laying on his lap and holding his hand and biting it sometimes. I also couldnt forget how shiny and smooth his hair was as i run my fingers through his hair. It was memomorable. It was the beginning of everything.

First bottle

It was November 3, 2019 when i finally visit bim on his house and guess what, he was alone that time. Despite of the paper works waiting for us, which was the reason why i went there, we managed to buy oe bottle of red horse. After just one bottle, We both dizzy, and so we decided to sleep....together since i couldnt sleep alone in a house i just visited. Guess what drunk people do in a house without anyone who can see if things get hotter? To cut the story short, we kissed and sucked each other's nipple. Though we don't want what just happened, we still slept together. The day after that, we were not talking. It feels like it was the day one with someone you know could be the one. The emotions getting enormous and so my heart couldnt bear it. And the rain falls from the tio of my eyes. So i talked to him, we are both not in a calm emotional state. And so we cried.

Jervin, nust like me is a player too,but he is an expert. In the beginning of out friendship, he told stories about asking for load from someone hea flirting. And that day that i was crying at home texting him, my heart breaks a little and the rain became a storm. Wanna know why?because he was telling that this was gonna be his last message and he ran out of load. The level of sadness i felt that day wasnt measurable. And i feel like the feeling of betrayal brought by my kalandia in the past cane back. But after praying, I got welll. You know when you know your worth, Its awesome. You are awesome. But pfcourse at some point , things happen because soehow you let it happen.

The confusion

You know you can be together but there was soemthing that holding you back. Weve been getting to know each other since that day. We checked each other. We glanced at each other even during classes. We walked each other's home. We visited eache other's home. We did the late night talks while walking or by sitting in a dark area in Lakfront so people couldnt notice us that easily. We talked about everything and its just feel right. Christmas is cumming and we were both lloking for answers. When people say wait for perfect place and perfect timing, believe them.

The day!

It was in December 22,2019 when we finally said pur relationship is official. We were both happy. Everything is just fine. A usual landian moments of a new couple is what we did. Since its only 3 days before Christmas, i have to go back to Batangas. And so saud goodbye to each other for the meantime with a promise of coming back on 2020.

But as a malanding boyfriend who wants to see his boyfriend, I bought a Yem cake for him which was my utang from my cousin. The plan of surprisinf him at night of December 28,2020 was successful. i saw his eyes swollen as soon as he see me. He let me stay in his house for the meantime and after 30minutes or an hour weeent to oir house and made love.

Reasons why him

1. A pysch graduate- He knows wht i feel. He knows like everything im feeling. He is always there for me.

2. Giod looking- he is one of campus hearttrob. May students admire him. I admire him too. I love him more when gis smiling wearing a stripe shirt.

3. Genius- He is a person who can teach you things he knows. Like hacks on how to manually dry a cloth using a bath towel is what i couldnt forget. (You try it,you figure it out yourself how to dru clothes with a towell)

4. Attitude- When he says he dont like soemthing or someone, dont force him to like it. I have that attitude too. But the fact that loves me now is pricelss.

5. Clingy- never did i taighy that i would love someone who is clingy because never did i thought that i would be that clingy to him. He likes hugs,kisses on his body and canton. You read it wrong, read it again.

Idont where to put this but im gonna write it here. He told me he never like surprises, but as i surprise him with beverages like Delight,his favorite, it made hime smile. The favt that he loves when im surprisinf him what makes me stay and appreciated.

Memorable moments

There are thousands of memorable moments we enjoyed. And here are the following:

1. I run my fingers through his hair.

2. Thousands of times we hangout.

3. Walking and enjoying each other company at night.

4. Street food scenarios.

5. We foughtover buying a lots of Julie's bread.

6. We knocked doors even during classes to deliver foods.

7. He gave me a perfume. I make the box of it a pen holder.

8. Date at Mcdonalds.

9. I fetched him hahen he hangout with Ram and other girl.Iwaited an hour outside Mcdonalds

10. The clinic kisses.

11. The new building kisses.

12. The cumming with no hands.lol

13. The cumming from sofa to refrigirator.

14. We bought his Iphone and stripe shirts at Divisoria

15. The holding hands🥰

As of today, June 20,2020, were still together. There were moements of breaking up with him,but we are both fighting against the world. I always bear in my mind whathe is and what he truly deserves. And that is what holding me to oir relationship. Wee havent seen each other for almost four months but its okay. We dont wanna add up to health risk. Though there were times we experienced LDR problems, we are trying to reach and hear eachothers side before madness. Though i admit i easily get irritated because he is usually mad these days, i undrstand because we are in a LDR . Im not gonna be bias so im gonna tell this. One of the things that makes him mad is that i sleep early without notice and and i couldnt update him that much since theres a lot to do when your stuck in your hoise with your family.(please consider im the youngest in the family.)

Lat night, i slept early. Today, 3:43am , im still awake drinking coffeee. And he didnt notify me if he was eeping ir what. His last message was he was goint to take a bath but it was four hours ago. Maybe my bebe boy is taking a revenge. Goodnight!

- [ ]

June 20,2020

Hes becoming dry. Im hvjng thoughts he is no longer interested. Lets see if my emotion will change as it changes minute after minute.

June 22 2020

Nothing new. We barely celebrated monthsary as we go out when we hve time. And besides he dont wanna celebrate it. Its hard. Im wondering if hereally dint like to commomerate.

June 24,2020

We had chat. But he didnt chat me at night from 830 until now 1:25 am. I have sent kind words and i dont know whats gotten into him. I just hope and pray hes alriggt. Its OK for me for i know he has his own story he dont wanna tell and its cool. Di you want to know what on my mind right now? Let me tell you. So last month i guess He unfriended a lot of friends on facebook but eventually changed his accoint. So the converaations we had storires on hiw we started are on the first facebook accnt he used to have. And hes acting weird from what i notice and im thinking if im really the only one. I know and his friend how inlove he was with Paul,his past kalandian and a new character. Never did i tell that i can see his likes in Pauls accnt with his new account. Actually, he have two and since i got his password ofcourse he would like Paul's post with the pther facebook account. I also stalked Paul on Instagram and saw his likes again. Now that he used his NEW account i have no longer access to the first old one. I tried to log it in pero fcbk said wrong password. My ate and nanay have been friennds with J on Facebook and so i could use their accnt to heck if the old accnt has been deactivated. So before thinking wrecklessly im gonna find proof. And if he likes somebody else, who am i to stop his heart from loving someone who is surely better than me?

My hunches are wrong. I opened his facebook accnt and he hs been struggling the way people would see us together specially his realtives. Idontknow what todo. Universe truly gives shit and its hard.

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beautifulhaus · 7 years

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Journal - 2017/06

I made a journal post with drawings and thoughts that happened last week.

Check it out if you want :)

I was staying up late and the sun started to come up...ha but it was so beautiful so I tried to capture it. This drawing happened and I thought this could be a cool layout for a short film. No plans to make it but maybe I will take it out again one day.

Ideas and Ego

I started to watch a lot of interviews of all different kinds of artists and I found there is an interesting pattern when great artists talk about their ideas.

'It's like this spooky universe picks the day and gives it to me.'

'My ideas are beyond me, they are not for or from me'

'Just sit down and either something great happens or not'

'We reinvented the wheel by accident'

Ideas as relevant universal gifts that have nothing to do with you as a ego but are just using your body as a door to the world. Have faith in some kid knocking on that door and be kind and not judgmental to that kid. You should listen carefully what she has to say and maybe you might even want to help her with her concern. But also note that you might not get visited for a long time. You might want to put out a nice new welcome matte tho or decorate a little ha.

I like that thought because it takes away the judgment you put over yourself. There are no bad no good ideas, they just are and it's your job to help them come to live and that is it. Help them as best as you can and once you did that, don't judge them. Let them be and wait for the next kid. And if that idea is to write a song about cheeseburgers even though you have never written a song and have no clue about it at all, do it because it is not about you, it is about that song trying to make it .

haha dang so dramatic

Louise Wilson

I discovered her through a Kanye Interview and just want to collect some things I kept from her. She was probably the most influential fashion professor of our decade – unfortunately passed away in 2014

She said something like 'Sometimes when I talk about the work of my students I would ask them 'Would you show that to Tom Ford?' and they would say 'Oh no, I would have to do that and that better'...

Well then why don't you do it?? 'BE YOUR OWN TOM FORD'

I love that mindset so much and I tried it. I watched some Disney making of videos and then pretended I would work for them and did some sketches...haha. That really opened my eyes on becoming better at something. It is not about the craft itself. It is not about practicing for 231786 years in the sense of exhausting hard work. It is all about you mindset. It is about how you prepare mentally before you put that pencil down and what you allow your body to perform! If you do that you also get a feeling of ultimate self confidence because you get into a state where it's not even questioned that you couldn't do something. And if something does not come out the way you wanted you just do it again.

And again. Again.

'Our students would go to Paris Fashion Week and see how many shows they could get into. They pretended to be the make-up artist. That was actually a class project!'

Just wow I have nothing to say to that. I start tearing up reading this what is wrong with me haha

About students starting her course

'And if Professor Wilson sees herself fighting a crusade, it's not against what students don't know, but what they do. "Their previous education has rendered them incapable. When they come here, it's like rehabilitating them. Because they've been in education since they were five. That's longer than if you'd been in prison for murder. And when you left prison, you'd been given a social worker to rehabilitate you.'

I feel like that is what is happening with me now. The school system is so so so deep embedded in me because I was all about doing great and reaching expectations. I got out when I was 18 and it took me 5 years to just get an idea of how I have to set my mind in order to survive in the ways my mind and body is supposed to perform.

Great Lady, just by reading and watching her interviews I felt really connected and got a good idea of her approach on life.

Sources

Kanye Interview https://youtu.be/4Rn0hDB6Z8k?t=25m24s

Louise Wilson https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/07/central-saint-martins-louise-wilson https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2014/may/19/louise-wilson-seven-insightful-fashion-quotes#img-1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Li1ty85B_vs

I noticed I keep telling myself the same things haha

People always talk about their passion and how it makes them do amazing things but what is that? Tell me about it because I dont knooow haha.

I do know that feeling of really wanting to do something and getting all these ideas for it but it would never stay for a long time and most importantly on the same thing to do... ha

Is it something we have to look for? Is it something that comes in the act of doing something? Is it something we choose? Is passion a choice? Idk I have always been all over the place with the things I enjoy and have an initial love for but it would eventually dim down and come back and down. Haven't I found the right thing yet or do I have to choose a path and commit to it even in times I don't have any love for it anymore? (Usually the next day ha) Here is something that comforts me in that regard tho.

To have faith in the unexpectedness of life.

We can predict, plan, prepare as much as we want but what is clear is that we don't have a clue of what's going to happen next and using that as a tangible fact that we can rely on brings me back to the present and to what can or has to be done now. So I end up not overthinking and just make random stuff. Like this post :>

I also had to think about my dad who used to spend the whole day in front of his monitor doing paintings in paint... Haha That's all he would do and eventually he printed the ones he liked the most and hang them in the house. What's that feeling? He enjoyed looking at images so he tried all day to make the ones that strike him the most by himself? He did what he wanted to see just for the enjoyment of looking at them? Because he didn't show his work, never talked about it. He just made them.

Fashion has always been something that I found interesting and having my own collection is a Kid that has been sitting in my brain for the longest time. While I thought about some concepts I found out about this fashion brand Comme de garcon and I felt connected to their vision in a weird way. I then got the idea to make concepts for them and send it to them. ‘Here take that and now hire me’ kinda like that haha

I feel very weird about showing it all so maybe I will after after they have ignored it for a few weeks. (Also in case I ever finish it)

Everyone can do something great, everyone has a gift. It's about finding the right mindset, the right vibe that let's your body flow and make all the amazing things it is able to make. What will keep you away from that state are 'wrong intentions'. Doing it for the money, doing it for the fame won't be a healthy engine for the long run.

Is that true tho?

Btw this is the way I tell myself things so even though it might be total bullshit, I just pretend it's true (for now).

Have faith in the unexpected. Have faith in something amazing happening at any given moment.

(All these ideas and thoughts are not my work, I kinda feel this 'body as a vessel' thing. All I am doing is pretty much watching and experiencing on what journey it is on.) I never did anything for my thoughts to come out, they just do. What that mindset leaves you with is a ultimate sense of validity in your existence and everything that is connected to it. (sadness, laughter, embarrassment, uninspiredness, excitement, 'failures' or things that just didn't go as expected/hoped.

Have faith in the unexpected. Don't force it, don't stress it.

I am feeling a very strange feeling of peace right now and I am absolutely cracking myself up inside because all I can think of now is this video where Beyonce is in awe because of everything but I totally feel it too right now aaahaha. Also why am I sounding all spiritual now what is happening?? wth. And do I think I am Beyonce or what? Am I just high on coffee or something???

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O63dea1U33g

Rereading this is the funniest thing, what was going on haha. (random older stuff)

Don't feel whatever was happening yesterday anymore ahaha but what's new.

Life is so extremely short. Everything that seems like the most important and eternal thing is only a blink of an eye, really. Soon we and everything that is our world won't mean anything anymore. There is no excuse to 'waste' time on things that don't feel important to you. Do the things you want gurrrlll

You already can do anything you want. You just have to have faith in your abilities and get rid of this sense of bad and good. Whatever you do just is, and that's it and that's good. (in the sense that good is all there is) The only thing that stands between 'everything I can do' and 'me at this given point of time' is me doing it.

So have that same sense of 'I can do everything' in all aspects of life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0

It's not about you, it's about the art getting it's chance to exist so get over yourself and let all the babies out. And you don't judge your children, you just let them be, maybe guide them.

(Rereading this makes me cringe hard ahahahaah I still mean it but at the same time I am thinking like 'Who are you and why does everything sound so spiritual motivated and dramatic ahaha. I wrote that stuff just days ago but it feels like I found an old journal of me as a kind trying to figure things out hahaha oh man anyway...)

I looked at what I wrote and I basically repeat myself again so nevermind haha.

But today I found out about Rupaul and how amazing he is so I watched a lot of interviews again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSchZdbdWYU

‘ We are an extension of the power that created the entire universe ‘

Again this sounds very spiritual which I am kinda uncomfortable with but it is so true at the same time. I don’t believe in free will. We can not want what we want. We just want things and we just think certain things and get certain ideas and these things are a result or part of the chainreaction of happenings after the bigbang if you will or the creation of the universe. So we are an extension of the power that created the universe. Maybe all this spiritual talk of this week really is just standing really really high on solid facts.

“In fact it was good for me to go back home because I got to recharge my battery and understand what it is I wanted to do in the first place”

Totally what happened to me in the last two weeks??? I was sick and got the chance to just recover and think which braught me to this crazy long post.

Also found out he has a podcast with over 100 Episodes so I know what I can listen to when I draw around now.

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/rupaul-whats-the-tee-with-michelle-visage

So weird... I came across this songwriter called James Fauntleroy and he talks about how he wanted to become a comicbook artist, then he got sick which braught him to songwriting and now he is into animation.... That is literally me because I have been recording so many song sketches the past few days and really found a love for it and the drawing thing is given. I used to write songs and always wanted to make music but back then my mindset was all in this ‘this is bad, I am such a beginner, I dont know anything about this’ - mode which I am kinda over with now (not totally but we will get there) and now it’s just fun doing it.

https://youtu.be/EGY0rROcvRQ?t=11m5s

Ok so I was Beyonce, Rupaul and now this guy haha. I don’t know... so weird I really got a sense of ‘a bigger power’ this week though, which I have always heard people talk about but I never really understood or felt it the way I did this week.

Sunday is almost over now and I am thinking about this journal thing. I don’t like that it is packed with so much text, I am also not sure if it’s a good thing that I spend so much time into going back and recalling each day. Even though these texts are only days old it feels like they were written from this super old version of myself because I wrote them in a state of mind which was very specific to that moment I wrote them in. You know when you get sentimental and have all these thoughts you normally don’t have but the next day you wake up and feel totally different and just forget about it. Now I have that stuff written down and reading it 2 or 3 days later is like....This guy needs to chill. Also having to actually lock the things down that go through my mind like I am doing right now is weird because some things just don’t really matter like this stuff right here but since I am writing them down I have pay extra attention to what is going on in my brain haha maybe I should just cut in down extremely for the next time? Maybe only drawings? I don’t know, let’s see if I make another one next Sunday.

Have a good one :)))

#journal #Illustration #animation #june

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eleganttravelerlady-blog · 7 years

Text

The struggle of independence

It has been a while since I’ve taken some time out to put some words to my thoughts. I have been plenty busy and my life has pretty much flown by - fast enough.

What got me back was actually pretty simple. Last night before bedtime I was lying in my bed with headphones on, listening to music. I sometimes do that to distract my thoughts from the busy mess in my head and then re-find focus in the lyrics of the songs. Listening to music has always been an escape for me, both in the hard struggling times but also just when I needed to space out and feel nothing and everything.

Last night a new song sneaked onto my playlist - James Arthur’s “I am”. The song made an impact - it has such a strong message and his voice and expression in the song tells a story of its own. The song made my thoughts go crazy.. I interpreted and analysed - tried to see parallels and comparisons. It made me feel like I had to write again. Not that it has ever been an expertise of mine, not at all a talent. I’d more say that it is a way to express myself when the topic is too heavy for anyone to listen. This way, you can all choose whether or not you want to keep reading, or just go back to what you were doing before. I won’t be offended ;-) I have always liked playing with words, both in my native tongue, which is Danish should any of you wonder, but also English which is oddly enough where I feel the most comfortable. I get to “attack” som topics that take up a lot of space in my mind and you can all either agree or disagree. It is the freedom of speech - a tiny way of feeling like someone is actually listening.

As the headline shows I want to get around the subject “Independence”, at least how it is affecting me and how I feel about it. You might not care, and it is perfectly fine.

To lay down some basics. I am turning 24 next month, I have already seen and experienced a lot in my short life and for that I count myself lucky. I have been through a crazy development on a personal level. As long I can remember and up until maybe 4 years ago I was extremely shy and introverted. I had lived my life in a kind of shadow. I was the “little sister” which both means I was living in the shadow of my sister, which is just natural (I think!) as you look up to your older sibling and wanna be like them because you can see the pride in your parents, but also spoiled (yes I admit it).

I was, and still am, Daddy’s girl. He would do anything for both me and my sister, and so would my mom of course. I was scared of trying new things, I loved what I knew and felt comfortable with. I never did anything out of the ordinary - just lived my life in the arena playing handball (best memories I have). I tried my best to do what I thought people wanted me to and I was certain I was gonna live my whole life in my home town and going through all “the right” stages of growing up. I wish someone would have told me sooner that there isn’t really a “right” or “wrong” way - not if you ask me.. If there should be a right way it is as simple as this “live your life the way you want to - do what makes you happy”.

As mentioned I have undergone a big development on a personal level. After struggling through the last bit of school I stood graduated and “ready for life” but with no clue at all as to what should happen. But personally I felt like I had had enough. Enough of myself and everyone around me. Tired of feeling like I had to do the right thing all the time. Study, work and study some more. Get a job, a husband, a house and a kid and settle. That the is best pattern to follow. I needed to get away - I needed to find out that I could take care of myself - alone - in the world. That I could be extrovert, meet new people and just get my on my own.

I have travelled far. European capitals but also Istanbul, Costa Rica, Mexico and best of all Australia. I dropped out of physio school as I refused to do something I didn’t want to. Which was a big jaw dropper in the family. Every trip, every decision taught me a new thing, opened my eyes in a new way and just made me grow so much as a person. I learned that I could easily get by on my own and I started feeling a bit proud of myself (very rare!) Doing something for me, and ignoring all the “nay-sayers” have been the best thing I have ever done. Because I have met a lot of people saying “Mia that is not wise - shouldn’t you think about it - do the right thing - study? - get a job?” My sister did it all. Graduated school beautifully - got an education - got a job - a husband, a house and a kid. Even in our home town. The perfect example. My parents can see their first born daughter and granddaughter everyday if they wanted to - whereas I chose to travel as far away as possible and live my own life. When I got back I moved to a bigger city just 40 minutes away got a trainee position in a big international company and I love it. I am happy for where I am in my life right now. Turning 24, single - living by myself and working my ass off to show that I am the best at what I am doing. I should be engaged and ready to get married now, should I follow my sister’s example. I am not. Not even close. And I dont’ want to. I will follow my own example.

I am not done travelling - I am definitely not done seeing the world. I am 100% in touch with myself and who I am when I am out seeing the world - I am HAPPY. Why would I give that feeling up already?

I will tell you all, it has taken me a hell of time getting here. And by “here” I mean in my mind. I have struggled so hard with the fact that I didn’t do what my sister did, why I didn’t have a boyfriend by now or a wedding coming up. Why could I easily live in Australia and get by on my own - when my sister was living in our home town, close to our parents and seeing them several times a week. Of course I missed my parents, they have helped me so much throughout my life and I wouldn’t be without them! But still I don’t feel like I should or could rely on them too much. What I need now is knowing they will always be there (which I know) - that if I live in another country, that the door always will be open when I come home. That they understand that I am not loving them any less just because I don’t need them every second of the day. I am aware that it is hard for them. I relied on them a lot as a kid and teenager + I am the last child - so suddenly being so independent as I am and not needing them all the time must be hard. I am not like my sister - not in anyway - we are so different. And now I think that it is a good thing. I am finally at piece with that fact, and my god can I tell you how amazing that is! The fact that I am so different, from my entire family in fact, is at times difficult - I can feel alienated or alone - but not in a bad way anymore. I am content with who I am. And you can’t change people and the way things are. So it is better to just accept it - and this is really said in the most positive way there is. I love my family - wouldn’t be without them - but I love my life as it is right now, I am happy with the way things are, and I am FINALLY happy with who I am! It only took me 24 years… ;-)

To any boy or girl out there doubting if you are ever good enough. You are. Trust me! Life will throw challenges at you, it will make it a living hell from time to time. But you will always rise if you just keep believing that it will be better. Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t belong - that you are not right - or tell you what to do with your life - you are you for a reason, be happy with who you are and show people what a wonderful person you are! Live the life you dream of - and don’t be afraid to dream big!

“oh I am… forevermore I’ll be” - James Arthur

#iam #james arthur #beyou #accept #life #inspiration

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