#i dont think my hyperfixation is gonna fade any time soon <3

[naughtynutboy]

i have drawn SO MUCH MORE since i started this blog that it is literally unreal

im a little nerd who loves to do math only when it’s completely unnecessary, so i quickly counted up all the drawings in my 2019 art folder to put it into perspective:

i have completed 25 drawings total all year so far (excluding wips)

11 of the 25 were drawn in this month alone (july)

this means that i have drawn 14 other drawings in 6 months, averaging about 2 drawings per month before this

it also means that i have nearly doubled the amount of art i made all year in one month alone

that is INSANE for me. i struggle constantly with motivation and the urge to draw something strikes me once in a blue moon, but this blog and sanders sides in general has seriously helped inspire me and help me to draw more

and i know numbers and stuff isn’t important and it shouldn’t be what you base your worth as an artist off of, but i think seeing people reacting to my art the same way i react to other people’s art was a big factor in my motivation this month and it just makes drawing all the more rewarding. i love making people happy and making people laugh and seeing that my art is doing that, even if i’m not particularly proud of it, just makes me want to keep doing it!!

i dont really know the point of this post, but i guess it’s just to say thank you to everyone who has been liking/reblogging/keysmashing in the tags of my stuff, it’s really really nice to see and has gotten me back into drawing after a HUGE dry spell <3

#ddksjsjj this is super cheesy of me #not to b sentimental on main #except this isnt main but shhh #anyway ya im just feeling soft and happy rn and i love u all #ive been a little crackhead this month drawing so much #and i hope to draw even more in the coming months #i dont think my hyperfixation is gonna fade any time soon <3 #not ts

[enbies-and-felonies]

u dont hafta answer cuz this is kinda personal but what was the lowest pt/one of the lowest pts in your life and how did things get better from there/did things get better from there?

OOooo, this is a good one!! I have had two main low parts in my life (buckle in <3) (trigger warning for some really dark stuff and mental health)

1. when I was around 12-13. okay, so when I was around 12 I found out I would be moving again. (military brat and all that; I move around every 3 years). The thing was, I had just started forming close friendships with people and finally felt,, well, at home. (I shouldn’t have, I know, but I was young and didn’t realize that forming emotional attachment to places and people just causes pain)

This news came right after 2 big things. My brother (now estranged) got married, we traveled to their wedding, my parents and younger sister went home, and me and my older sister stayed for a bit with my grandparents for the summer. and the second is: one of our dogs died.

These might not seem like much, but both were really big and actually kinda devastating. 

My dad then had to move while we stayed behind to sell our house. With him went the LARGE majority of our belongings. We ended up sleeping on mattresses and living out of suitcases for around six? six months or so. We lived like that with the constant knowledge that as soon as our house sold we would leave. Any time we saw our friends could be our last goodbyes. 

THEN our house sold, we lived for a few weeks alternating between a friends house and a home for pregnant women (bc my mom was a House Parent there), our dogs ran away and then we left.

after moving (which involved a few weeks of car trips to grandparents and across country and more) I shut myself off. I figured that if I was just going to move again I might as well not make any friends because all that brings is pain. I’m not going to set myself up for that kind of hurt.

I fell into a depressive state and numbed myself as best I could, making myself apathetic about this new place while also spiraling into into an (obsession? hyperfixation??) excessive focus on fanfiction and the internet while ignoring any irl contact with people. Keep in mind, this is completely secret from my parents bc they are really overprotective and don’t even know I have access to wifi.

I end up just spiraling more, trying to escape by writing about my feelings in a small notebook (a really bad and depressing parody of Let it Go was included). I write about self-harming (I also do self-harm a few small times). I make the mistake of not focusing on my schoolwork, get caught, ask them not to read my notebooks (one was my DepressingTM one, and the other one was full of fanfic ideas) (both were very private) (my parents read through them), they take my phone, find out that I have wattpad and pinterest, take my phone away completely.

this makes it WORSE but also makes it so I am forced to talk to people.

I don’t really know, I guess it mostly faded after that, but I was really suicidal for a while and I can honestly say that becoming friends (VERY against my will and misconstrued sense of self-preservation) with @my-nickname-atrocy is what saved my life.

I think it was caused by a lack of support system/overprotective and ultimately misguided parents, but I also know that I’m also just a really fucked-up person. 

it got better, but,,, yeah

~~

2. Last school semester. 

it’s kinda soon for me to talk about it in depth, but basically I got super overwhelmed and stressed out because I’m doing college AND highscool classes, WITH an undiagnosed mental disorder (probably adhd), my parents aren’t supportive in the ways I need, and yeah.

It got- pretty bad. I think I developed an ED?? I didn’t get to the point where I was actively suicidal, but I was (kinda still am) very self-destructive and I have a really hard time believing the future will be okay. 

It cleared up a lot during break, because I no longer had school to procrastinate, but I’m worried about this next semester because I don’t want to spiral again and I’m gonna move again soon (probably within a year?) and just- yeah.

~~

I still deal with a lot of self-hate and self-destructive stuff, and yeah, but even if I can’t do it myself always, hear me when I say you need to let yourself feel things, you need to let yourself love people. Don’t suppress to the point where you can’t cry, don’t bottle things up bc you WILL crack.

ily <3

#long post #tw long post #tw self-hate #tw self-harm #tw self harm #tw suicide mention #tw suicide idealization #tw death mention #tw death #tw school #tw college #tw parents #tw moving #tw ed