#i dont know how to change things in my life enough for me to feel happy or content | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sabh0 · 1 day

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Is skk abusive? Other than the name calling and banter that I just don't take seriously, I've seen people say that Dazai is abusive since he planned for Chuuya to be tortured in stormbringer and didn't help because it would be boring, despite having the ability to do so. There's also the whole manipulating the sheep thing.

I've also seen people say that Chuuya is abusive because of how violent he is, how he punched Dazai to wake him up in Dead Apple and called him inhuman(? Ngl, I don't remember that part) and because Chuuya shot him more times than necessary in Meursault.

Personally, I struggle to see them as abusive r toxic, if only because of how much they trust and understand each other, and how they rile each other up for fun without letting it actually impact their relationship, but I may just be biased? What do you think?

Ok im just gonna say - dont take this post ad some 100% real wisdom or anything. It's just my personal opinion and it's definitely biased as well because of how much these two mean to me but yeah

I wouldn't call them abusive in relationship terms because all that banter and most of their fights are just, as u said it, unserious.

They're both fucked up a bit tho, so yeah there's definitely some toxic behaviours anyway.

Dazai manipulating Chuuya to join the sheep always made me real sad, but if you think about it more - Dazai knew The Sheep aren't any better for Chuuya. Plus if not like this, Mori would get Chuuya to join PM anyway in one way or another, since it was a plan from the beginning.

Dazai planned the whole 'helping Verlaine' thing to buy time so the PM forces could get ready to protect Mori and Chuuya later. That's mafia they're in - lives are not equal. Also Dazai wouldn't put Chuuya in danger he knew the other wouldn't be able to deal with. Either way, his whole yapping about wanting to see Chuuya being tortured is yet again that stupidly weird banter of theirs. After all, he's trying to find him and literally stop him from doing something he would regret. (Sab is trying to make some points but that still doesn't make whatever Dazai did something good. Just sayin. I just don't feel it's a black or white situation.)

I said it some time ago but lord, Chuuya is not abusive. Look, he knows when it's alright to fight Dazai and when he should stop himself not to hurt him. Even if they fight, he never does it seriously. Basement scene? He could've very well just punched Dazai without warning there. But instead he literally invited him to fight - and Dazai very much agreed to that sht with a smile on his lips. They're just very much not okay in the head on both sides. Later when Chuuya actually got angry, he himself threw his knife to the ground, which only shows he doesn't really have any intent of hurting Dazai seriously (In the manga. In the anime they changed it for whatever reason and he did strike him with the knife. But anime skk is just. Anime skk.).

That Dead Apple argument is so funny bc??? Chuuya was literally UNDER CORRUPTION AT THE TIME??? Corruption literally makes him lose control. He could kill a person with one touch. Instead??? Corruption Chuuya in dead apple somehow managed to hold himself back just enough not to actually hurt Dazai. Also, Dazai f knew he's gonna punch him anyway. I mean, bro kinda deserved it atp tbh /j

Cant really tell much about the shooting thing in Meursault - i stil have no f idea if these were even real, considering the fact Dazai is moving normally and there's no wounds/holes/blood visible on him or his clothes. These were probably just a play like the whole headshot thing?? (Tho dazai's scream and expression after that arm shot say otherwise),, really don't know, call it a better impression on Fyodor or Chuuya actually paying Dazai back for the other times

Ok so ,looks at all that sht i just wrote and tried to still excuse it somehow, I wouldn't call them abusive anyway just bc I've seen actual abusive relationships in real life and that's just uhh different in a way i cant really put my finger on,, there's some toxicity simply from the fact they're emotionally constipated and won't talk things thru like they should but,,, welp. Tbh i see most of their usual fighting as something unserious that both of em r okay with. Usually when they actually get into an argument about something it's because one actually got hurt by the other's words (for example that scene with Chuuya punching Dazai after he made jokes about Colonel's death). And they apologize without really apologizing, too (Dazai going to find Shibusawa and trying to take revenge on Colonel's death and later Chuuya going to rescue Dazai and saying to 'wait for him').

Unpopular opinion but i honestly feel that in the future they could very well form a normal, healthy relationship. They just really need to talk. Bickering and calling each other names for fun isn't imo really a form of abuse, when both sides know it's not meaning to hurt the other fr (if it was, then me and most of my friends would be fr abusing each other unfortunately) (and I don't feel abused even if we call each other names and say we hate each other, while watching cat reels together at the same time) (consider this some sibling-like stuff)

If nothing of whatever i just said makes sense, don't eat me please, it's just really hard for me to explain what i really think without being able to just talk for 5h straight while considering every ppint of view

#skk match each other's freak #and other ppl dont and that's why we keep having this conversation #sorry but you can't build a relationship with so much trust on abuse #LIKE AUGHH IDK IT'S NOT BLACK AND WHITE #there's so much to everything in their relationship it's really hard to answer 'yes or no' to this question #they're toxic but in a way that can easily be fixed #but i wouldn't say they're really abusive aughh idk #anyway i just googled 'is skk abusive' or smth to read some more opinions on the topic in case i missed smth #and immediately got a post sayjng #'yes skk is abusive. only dazai ship that is healthy is the one with odasaku'#and then i closed the page and thought to myself that maybe me being a bit biased isn't that bad #augh #sab q&a

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jinstronaut · 2 months

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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd

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philosophicallie · 8 days

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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me

#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way #in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom #was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc #but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me #but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars #idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like #there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything #bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio #like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer #im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events #never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just #only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just #idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants #like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown #i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4 #the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours #idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until #i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12 #whatever. whatever #im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/

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zero-a · 1 year

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people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"

#mine.txt #just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts #like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health #but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh #all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less #i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions #as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom #not to mention the human quality of escalating things #so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness''#but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say #'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!'#sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it 💀#im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes #and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second #well idc most of the time that is #sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough)#with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me #but with the dpd its like #oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me #cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment #this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them #possibly even block the op

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joni-witchell · 3 months

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I am feeling the tendrils of despair poking and prodding at the edges of my psyche.

I'm overstimulated at work.

Under caffeinated

It's genuinely hard to give a fuck about anything when I can SEE WITH MY OWN EYES (all three) that it's all bullshit.

It's like ... For whom is this ? Any of this?

I'm passionless.

I'm scolded for my compassion and empathy.

I don't know if I've grown up correctly.

It feels like my whole life has passed me and by the time I catch up, by the time I reach out, by the time my hands take hold of something tangible and loving and real...it or I will be dead.

#😑#i dont know how to change things in my life enough for me to feel happy or content #its not enough to be alive #i want to live #im genuinely disgusted by everything that makes me me #im deeply disingenuous in all my earthly offerings #oh welllllllll #maybe ill feel better after i eat something

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rustbeltbabey · 17 days

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boo hoo sad pity party posting hours LMAO but I rlly truly don't think I will ever be in another relationship again. I don't feel that I will every b desirable or deserving enough, and I don't feel like I will ever even b seen as a guy n idk. I just don't know.

#mayave its imposter syndrome maybe its internalized transphobia but i dont think any gay man would ever date me bc i dont thibk any of them #would thibk of me as a man. idk. maybe this will change once i start like. PHYICALLY transitioning but i rlly feel like theres no hope 4 me #i feel like i will always be thought of as a woman for the rest of my life i feel like i will never pass as anything but a woman i feel like #i dont have any positive qualities i don't like a single thing abt myself i dont thibk im capable of loving someone im so distant w everyone #im so scared of phyically and emotional intimacy i feel like a burden i dont even know how to act like a man and i KNOW that thst isnt a #fucking thing i KNOW theres no right way of being a man i know that logically but still the fact that i grew up isolated from men and #that i rarely interact w them even to this day i have no male friends no male role models nothing im so scared im gonna like.#break social rules n shit which is RIDICULOUS bc once again there's no right way to b a guy or to preform masculinity and also im so early #in my transition no one even knows im a guy anways. but also im worri3d bc of thst no one will ever seen me as one unless i start conforming #to traditional masculinity and i dont know now to emulate it bc ivenonly ever seen it from afar i dont actually know what guys talk about #howbthey act around eachother what is socially acceptable or not i dont have a clue bc i dont ever interact w men and its like. fucking #stupid of me to even want to know bc it shouldn't matter to me BUT IT DOES and it makes me so anxious that i do not know how to emulate it #even if i wanted to i wouldnt know how bc i grew up in a fucking cult and i know so little men and i have terrible social skills n i #probably have autism which just. everything is compounded upon eachother n i feel like im going crazy i dont think ill ever be enough.#I hope i'm in a better mental place when i start t but even that im so fucking bad at doing things bc i have executive dysfunction that like #i havent even started tbe process or called thr clinic im just likem fucking spiraling. I hope my mindset becomes healthier once I start.#anwyss lol. do u guys like me? bc i feel like im unbearable n im trying not to be let me know if u do or not so i can try to cahnge ^.^#🪽

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camptw1nk · 4 months

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#not 2 be like. negative but i just kinda got hit hard by the way my relationship w my best friend has changed #dont get me wrong i understand that her girlfriend will be super important to her esp bc she lives across the world and is only physically #here for another 2 or so weeks #but my best friend just got back from a trip to another city to see an artist she loves and as she came in i got up to go see her and ask hl #how it was but she was in her room w her gf before i could and thats fine i get it and like she hasnt done anything wrong i can not #emphasize that enough like i hold no bitter feelings to her she is excited to talk to her gf understandably #it just hit me that like. oh yeah. i have no one else that i go to about literally anything but she does #and its less ab her so much as its. its just hitting me that i dont really have? friends?#i have one or two people but like. i only have One Person thats my go to fave person always tell them everything #and i just. I've realized that its not reciprocated the way it used to be #and that i think is just like a part of growing up #i dont have a partner i dont have someone my life is intrinsically linked to #like a best friend is great but its not. relationships are placed to a higher level you know like its jusy more important #and i just. ive nevr Had a partner really. unless u count a like 2 month thing when i was 12 which i dont count #not to be depresso but i am just not the kind of person that people want or desire #and thats been the case long before i came out as trans but its extra complicated now since i dont. Fully pass #idk not 2 sound sad i just wanna be loved #and i think theres only so many times i can hear the most important person in my life come home and talk excitedly ab things thru the walls #and then never actually get told anything myself. not just ab things shes excited for but just in general #we were meant to go to a house viewing together a few days ago and it was only half an hour before it was happening when no one else was #home that i messaged them to check in and they were like oh yeah we're not going we have this and this going on #which like. fine whatever but i dont drive and getting anywhere fast is hard so it just. was stressful #but it just seems like i am constantly out of the loop. everyone i live with is in a relationship w each other and i am just here #in every aspect of my life i am Just There and im tired of it #not to sound desperate or needy but i just would like to. be noticed? or feel prioritized? or even wanted #idk this is. i just needed to rant i think im emotional bc my hormones r a bit wack #im due for my testosterone shot in a few days but i dont have the money or time to go to the doctors lately so its being pushed back #a few weeks and its just. i think its messing w me a bit #i mean i feel this way literally all the time but just the like. the being upset and emotional and posting ab it i think is bc of that #idk i needed to get it out idk it this will stay up or not

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navramanan · 8 months

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So tired of continuesly feeling this way I keep trying and failing time and time and time again

#i dont want to feel a profound sadness anytime anyone (especially someone i know) expresses being grateful about their group of friends #i dont want to feel this way every time i find out about them being at a social gathering or whatever together #i feel so awful so so awfully patheticly lonely i feel so stupid and i feel so horrible when admitting it #and i fall into deep worry about my situation never changing bc everyone i know has a network of friends from childhood or school #and pretty much no one from my childhood or school stayed in my life i feel so scared of my future how will i live a life this way #anytime i come across a post talking about long time friends i cannot stomach reading it #it's all so debilitating and i dont know how much longer i can keep on ranting like this #i moved countries i hoped things would change i approached people i talked i asked to hang out three years later i'm left with two #(used to be three but she seems to not care about me at all) seperate friends i'm so grateful for both #but it doesnt work out. it doesnt work this way. i cannot socialize with them since theyre not muslim n we have very different life styles #so i tried finding muslim friends i got associated with the muslim students association went to gatherings joined the book club #i met very lovely girls but nothing more came out of it #i remember the first time i took part in something it was two years ago i talked with a group #it was a group who already were friends and one girl who also had just met them #a year later i find out theyve all become friends and hang out. vallahi i dont know what it is i'm doing wrong i'm so tired and so desperate #it kills me. it's so scary to not have a social network not have friends to lean on to call when youre in need it's so isolating #i've lived my teen years this way i'm continuing to live my 20s this way and cant stop but think it has to do with me #anyways enough of that now bye #nesi rants

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widowmaker · 1 year

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i used to hate the summer. i hated the excessive heat and the disgusting humidity. it made me feel even more sour with my birthday being in July. Winter is my favorite season. I love the cold, the ice, the dry and crisp air. Planned a good portion of my life to live anywhere up north where the summer seasons are minimal. But after meeting Sloane everything changed. Sloane is the complete opposite; loves summer. Loves the sweltering heat and humidity that leaves you sticky. I couldn't understand why. She showed me why he loves the summer. The blooming flowers and fruiting trees. The buzzing of bumblebees gathering nectar and the distinct call of a red-tailed hawk. The feeling of a warm sunny day, but the occasional cool breeze that wafts by while you lay in the grass. I began to love summer now too. I find myself craving it. Craving the blasting sun and the sticky feeling of humidity after trail walks and I never realized until now how much I have changed. It’s not just the seasons, but other things I’ve disliked or barely cared about my whole life previously. I don’t think we realize how omnipotent love is. Not just to be loved, but specifically to love. I can’t stop thinking about the saying “to be loved, is to be changed” and the changes that often happen are frivolous by most standards and so, they are forgotten or ignored. But I think all of those frivolous little changes I’ve went through, whether it occurred from the love of Sloane, family, the friends that have stayed, the friends that have left, and even the animals and plants I’ve come to care for...I think once you become cognizant of all that’s been altered inside you, it shakes you to your core in a way that feels like you’ve been drowning in a sempiternal ocean before finally finding the strength to break the surface for air.

#not trying to be like super poetic or anything j #just having a sitdown with my brain rn and realizing how different i feel #about myself and life #how even though i hate so many aspects of my life enough that i dont want to live #when i just realize what i was like before and how i am now #these frivolous little changes have made life so #much more exciting loving #i have so so so many bad days and i know they wont go away #but reminding myself of things like these make me feel curious to see what comes next #what other change will happen that sparks my neurons #anyway ya sorry for all this ignroe if u like i need to say sOEMTHING

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years

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...

#god. do u ever just look out at a landscape and think: there are layers and layers of history buried under that strip of sidewalk #creatures lived and died and lived and died and changed morphologically like a meandering river. into the sea back onto land #diverging and convering evolution. building changes through ever branching phylogeny. its crazy. literally unfathomable #it's so painfully clear rn that my astrobiolological interests are entangled in understanding how life works. i want to know the tiny #details. i want to look at traits across different branches within a phylum and understand where differences creep in and what we can learn #about the past from the present. i want. i want. i want a project where it doesnt feel like im bleeding myself dry. i want to produce data #that doesnt feel like its a symptom of a disease. i want to cultivate knowledge out of love. not in an effort to drown myself. not out of #some frantic Compulsion. i want to look up at the stars and not feel the weight of all the time i have to keep moving when im never going #fast enough. exhausting. but here i am again. spiralling. bc i spent all day drawing not reading even tho i was learning thru audio all day #slacker. an excuse. irrational. im self aware! and yet that doesn't seem to make things easier. never relaxed. always guilty.#sigh... my dad txted me that he missed me today. theyre up on that lake brimming with fossils and dead fish and broken glass. i wish i was #there too. watching fireflies and crawling around for algae and lichens. anyway i digress... i should find a phd project i say for the #thousandth time. maybe ill have the motivation now. maybe ive recovered enough i say like i didnt spontaneous burst into hysterical tears #Friday morning for no descenable reason. maybe. maybe. youll never kno if u dont try #unrelated

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crvstybowlofcereal · 1 year

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Tell me about your tattoos if you have them and or what tattoos you want

i have two tattoos, and i plan to get more!

i got the first one two days after my 18th birthday, i had been planning it forever. it's a memorial piece for my first dog Rocky. I got it on the outside of my thigh, very high up so most of it is covered when i wear shorts.

i covered up the bit with his face because i dont like to share it very much, im terrified of the idea of someone finding a picture of it and getting the exact same tattoo because that's my dog and he meant the world to me. i know its a bit of an irrational fear, and i dont worry about it with my other designs, but i try not to share it online fully, but heres a different picture of him!

the flowers underneath are red roses, lilies, and forget me nots, for their specific meanings

the next tattoo i got just a couple months ago for a 7 year friend-iversary

its based on several layers of inside jokes

my long-term tattoo goal is to fill out my leg like a sleeve made of individual tattoos. i also intend to design all of my own tattoos.

some other ones i have in mind for my next ones are - a ghost (i always draw sheet ghosts the same way) - the mystery machine from scooby doo - the irken invader symbol from invader zim - a swarm of bats (probably on my inner thigh) - moon phases - lavender (and amethyst?)

more context for things in the tags

#we had to put rocky down in 2019 because he had a heart condition and he had torn both his ACLs #and both of those things together meant neither could be surgically dealt with #(his heart was not stable enough for him to go under for surgery #and he would have to exercise and lose weight for his heart to even have a chance of being more stable)#(this was all after his battle with cancer)#the red roses on the skull side are for mourning #the lilies in the middle are for a strong calming energy #and the forget me nots are self explanatory #i met my best friend in middle school and we always ended up sitting next to the trash cans so that became and inside joke #plus her favorite animal is a racoon and mine is a opossum #the tea part is kind of an inside joke i dont even know how to begin explaining #but also he's just spilling the tea #and shes the only person i do that with #ghosts and bats because halloween is life #scooby doo and invader zim are both shows that have been a big part of my life since childhood #moon phases because first theyre witchy #second because i like to celebrate the phases of life and how things and people change over time #third its a reminder to live by the seasons #and lavender because it is my favorite flower and i feel like it represents me #and amethyst is my favorite crystal as well as being my birthstone so i feel like it also represents me #i would probably get lavender and amethyst to fill out space between tattoos #tattoos #this ended up longer than i thought it would #the first one is a mirror pic btw #it is backwards kdjbhsg #tattoo

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timeisacephalopod · 1 year

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I saw a post the other day that kinda pushed back on the way all coming of age movies are about sexuality and all high school stories basically center around who wants to fuck who and how that's like. Not really all coming of age and high school stories should offer since you know. Youth isn't about who you have a crush on and probably coming of age stories in particular should be far more diverse in subject matter than they are.

Honestly as someone who, when I was 'coming of age' age, hated coming of age stories and still do for the exact reason listed above (see the weird scene in It where we all sexualize a 13 year old girl because boys have crushes and surely there's no other way to portray this than feeling a child up with a camera to demonstrate boys have ~feelings~ Bev gets no equivalent scene because she's the object of affection rather than the subject feeling desire) I also wish there was diversity in those stories. And coming of age stories about adults- we don't stop going through huge life moments that change everything forever, but back to kids. When I was a kid I could have desperately used a coming of age story where the character has a sick and dying parent who does die by the end of the story and what happens after that. Granted I did just fine without it, but even without being asexual it's always irked me that coming of age stories don't seem to appreciate that kids have way larger problems and way better stories to tell then first crushes and first kisses for shit sake give kids who went through what I did as a kid some kind of story about what happens when your parent gets cancer and how complicated that is and stop assuming the biggest thing that happens around puberty is discovering sexuality that, if you were queer, you probably already noticed what you felt wasn't in a coming of age story anyway.