#i remind myself of how bad i flare up when i dont properly eat

[lepidopterium]

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#ed ment in tags #triggering tags ahead -> #***************************that should do it #i keep telling myself im too smart for an ED as if ppl with EDs wouldn't be sick if they knew better #i tell myself that dieting is evil and that this is a product of capitalism #that food is a gift that i need to be grateful for and that i can get joy out of food if i try #i remind myself of how bad i flare up when i dont properly eat #and that the body is a time capsule. it changes and reflects what im going through. its normal #that not eating isnt being mindful. that i need to eat to exercise and be physically strong #and to maintain my mental clarity and emotional well being #and that im being vain by fretting over my appearance so much #that an ed isnt self control. its a loss of control to destructive thoughts and anxiety #and yet im still struggling. im still one step away from throwing the money i dont have into makeup to make myself look perfect #i want to be perfect. healthy and unblemished and sophisticated and kind and intelligent #and that way I'll be loved for real. i wont have to ask or beg bc I'll always feel loved without doing a thing myself #but i know thats all a lie. i know im already loved even if those who love me dont show it enough (for me) #i know i can live a life outside of extremes and that this anxiety doesnt own me #which is why i think im too smart for an ed. but thats not how it works #i went out everyday of the week doing physically strenuous things till i could barely walk and i felt like god #i don't know if im eating enough. i think somedays i do other days i dont #im trying to familiarize myself with what groceries we have so i can start making food for myself #if i can make enough food while my mom is asleep ill be set for the day. but how do i maintain that. ugh #its so many things messing with my ability to eat #but it mostly feels manageable. except when i look at the mirror or the scale. ive never weighed this much before #suddenly theres more of me than i know how to handle

[decrepithag]

Someone, about me being really ill last year: So are you like...okay now? You’re at school more now so are you like, fine?? Like you found out what was wrong and its got treated and now you’re good?

Me: Oh, no I’m actually in the process of being tested for crohn’s disease :)

Them: Oh crohn’s isn’t even that bad. You just can’t eat seeds or drink wine or sometimes eat red meat.

Me, no longer being able to eat red meat, nuts, peaches, broccoli (aka my favourite food), cauliflower, raw carrots, onion, anything with a lot of fibre, too much gluten at once, tomatoes, anything slightly spicy, corn, potato skins, garlic, pop/soda/anything carbonated or anything oily/fried without having extreme abdominal pain for many hours after I eat and now having anxiety surrounding eating because I don’t know what will trigger me and cause my to have a horrible flare up and shit blood so I barely eat which is causing me to lose a lot of weight, not having enough spoons to properly deal with this person: haha yeah it sucks :’)

#this happens all the timeeee #not so friendly reminder that crohns isnt just not being able to eat seeds or drink wine and ibs isnt just 'haha poop your pants disorder' #i went months only eating plain white rice and drinking meal replacement drinks because they were the only things i was certain wouldnt hurt #ive lost so much weight from a combination of my body not absorbing nutrients properly and me being too scared to eat so i just end up not #doing it or just eating a slice of toast #im horribly nauseous all the time and i go through bottles of peptobismol like a high schooler goes through a pack of gum (which is FAST) #ive had so many doctors doubt me over the past year that ive started to doubt myself and then when a flare happens and doctors dont believe #me then the only option i can think of is a very bad 'final decision' if you know what i mean #i missed my entire first year of college due to being extremely sick and now im missing my second because of covid #there are people in my program that hate me because i 'got' to miss a lot fo school and still managed to pass all of my classes and they #went to almost every single one and still failed them #it took me over a year and a half to convince my doctor to believe that it was crohns and not just stress #which means it took over a year and a half to finally get sent for some testing #it also took my parents a year for them to believe how bad it was #i can no longer eat in public or anywhere thats not my dorm because im scared of a food triggering me and then me being stuck in horrible #pain somewhere for hours and being super nauseous and not having enough peptobismol or my heating pad to try to ease the awfulness #i feel so sick all the time man. why dont people understand that crohn is a real condition and it sucks #and i really miss broccoli :( #crohns disease #undiagnosed crohns #crohns #crohn's problems #ibd #ibd problems #chronic illness #chronically ill #tw ableism #tw weight loss #tw medical trauma #spoonie