#i dont keep true to myself

[ragingextrovert]

i want my guts to turn inside out

i am so done

i hate myself forever and ever

how do i live with hating myself because that's where i am right now and i can never get back/better. i'm just gonna close that door on myself forever now.... because i dont deserve it and i never deserved it.

anything that i was telling myself to feel good was a lie.

i seriously dont even want to be Here^TM

but i feel like i''m forced to be...

drunk as all hell. awkward, trying desperately to cling to a life that i dont even want anymore.

He is gone forever and my lack of presence in his life weighs on me. LIke,,,,,,, but doing that same thing to other people???......... not the best. but like.... He did it :'} and plenty of others too.....

view from halfway down.

#:'| #sorry *eye roll forreal because oops. made yet ANOTHER mistake* #i dont keep true to myself #and i honestly dont even want to #with the way that things have turned out for me thusfar #because of what i could have done #because i am a coward #grieving forever possibly #i love being fucking sad #well i got what i asked for #egggeeegegegegegggegegegege weeeeewooooo ffffffffuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnn #wwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee #fuck it #i have autism and every kind of disability #i am completely disabled #being a drama queen gives you that all for 1 deal. #spectacular #jeez #i want to go to the next world so badly #lolol #next world engraved in the dirt #i am beyond finished with this crap #if i get to a good place one day....... idk how i done done it tbfh #i have no confidence in myself after the kind of friend IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII have beennnnn #cuckooooooooooo #take it all #i dont care #i am an empty shell of a human now #zombified #i dont want to be around others because i am contageous

[wolfxe]

idk what it is about the way dungeon meshi portrays relationships but it feels so unique to me

i like all of the ships and also want none of them to be canon. it's fun to imagine literally all of them, but it's just as fun to examine the platonic relationships and what they mean

it's so refreshing to see marcille & laios' friendship but i totally get why people ship them. marcille & falin's devotion to each other is amazing to explore in any context. chilchuck & laios, laios & kabru, senshi & chilchuck, even toshiro & falin. literally every character dynamic no matter the romance/lack of it is so interesting to me

it really felt like a breath of fresh air getting into something where the relationships between characters felt both real and substantial the way they are, but also capable of being expanded upon and played with without feeling like they're betraying the main themes/ideas. man i love dungeon meshi

#og #dungeon meshi #i need to make character tags for the meshi crew cause apparently this is gearing up to be a big one #im not really into anime usually #but i had heard a lot of good things about dungeon meshi from people i follow on here that i respect so i gave it a try #watched the anime and immediately started reading the manga #im hooked man this shit is so good #the THEMES man #THE THEMES #it's literally helping me work through some of my own issues i have with myself #especially through laios #god. laios #hes so me and somehow thats helping me examine a lot of stuff about myself and my worldview and repair it a little #im eating better cause i keep remembering senshi when i think about skipping a meal #save me dungeon meshi. save me #im realizing this post makes me seem kind of like i need to be into a ship to like a fandom or something #which isnt true #most fandoms im in dont actually have any ships that interest me #which is why this feels so important. cause its portrayed things so well that i can actually like the ships #its really nice being able to genuinely enjoy most of the stuff made by fans #cause if we're being honest here the majority of fandom content are of ships #which isnt a bad thing but it does mean that if you just like the overall story or individual characters or platonic relationships #then its a little harder to engage with the community #but now i can! very fun

[freakinator]

its been 7 hours in the poll so far and i saw the who ppl want to win coming but i wasnt expecting the who they think will win ngl, like i was expecting it to be a little more even but nope lol

#mine.txt #lifesteal spoilers #< jic #wanted to keep my opinion to myself until the poll ended to prevent influence or whatever but realized that was stupid so here it is #personally i want zam to win but i think theyll come to a stalemate #i want zam to win causeas cute as it would be to give zam a redemption arc and esp by minute of all ppl i just dont like that idea very muc #i want his redemption arc if he ever decides to have one to be long and gruelling and full of setbacks and last for seasons #i want him to keep failing and building himself back up and all over again through the influence of multiple ppl and experiences #i dont want it to start and end all cause of one guy #and with ppl as stubborn as those two it would not surprise me if they reached a stalemate #esp since they seem to have completely incongruent mindsets regarding the nature of lifesteal #identical yet opposites those two #zam may think hes more determined than minute but i dont think thats true i think theyre a lil more even #like not to bring up kings but they both went looking for nether fortresses for hours in the first session #they both kept farming and grinding even when the odds are stacked against them #even when they lose hope they keep going anyway for that tiny sliver of a chance that Something happens #like theres a reason minute looked up to him in s3 and i think its cause he saw a lil bit of himself in zam #or at least what he could be if he set his mind to it #but honestly i dont really care who wins or loses that much #all i ask is that the season ends in an interesting way regardless of if its in peace or chaos #characterwise; plotwise; possibly even metawise #just give me something to chew on and ill be happy

[marsixm]

ocd rly sucks sometimes bc i swear my paranoia just shoots me in the foot with my personal life so bad

#its like this weird combo of anxiety and favorite personing #that makes me fixate on if one specific person whos opinion i care about #like hates me or not #i currently am struggling to shake a specific paranoid delusion that cropped up last night #even tho its....... SOOOOOO unlikely #but even still #its the kind of thing if id just like #get out of my own head. would probably be fine #like #so fucking often #i just wish i could act normal enough around people to not care #its like i feel like i hide my true self from the people i want to be real with the most #and im like man if i was just acting like. normal/chill we'd be best buddies and everything would be fine #but instead i have to be fucking insane #its just hard and weird and complicated bc im so used to keeping things secret and to myself and not being able to explain things #i dont even know how to fucking talk to people sometimes #i just want to make real ass friends man #why is this so hard

[lecliss]

Sakura gets a second point for being the first to complete the tree climbing at being better at chakra control, but at the same time it just feels like she was made good at it so no extra training segment time would have to be put into her getting good at it and it can be all about Sauce and Nart. Idk that feels too pessimistic but also could totally be true.

#she takes on a very 'obsever' role. like kashi is the teacher watching over them. but sock is the watching and commenting from the same #perspective of nart and sauce and also the viewer unlike kashi. cuz he provides a lot of exposition and whatnot in his inner monolgues #and its like. of course the girl is just the observer who watches alongside us as the two main boys grow and develop #AND I DONT WANNA FUCKIN BE PESSIMISTIC ABOUT THIS BUT GOD ITS IMPOSSIBLE!!!! #but her whole character so far is 'i hate the class clown. im book smart. i diet and im in love' #and the way i see it is. 12yo girl TRYING to fit into the femininity she sees in the world around her so she forces herself to be like this #but she has inner sock who speaks what she really feels showing that she puts on quite a front and isnt really much like that at all #and you expect her to grow into wanting her to truly define herself. and she does with getting stronger and training under tsunade and #learning medical ninjutsu so she really finds a spot for herself. she does!!! but then she KEEPS hanging onto the love nonsense #and admittedly there are moments that push a very obvious trope of thinking she likes sauce cuz hes cool but finding out that the real 'gem' #is nart so i definitely understand where n@rus@kus are coming from #but then she just STICKS with sauce until its the worst ship possible and its an utter mess of 'ill never give up on him' #EVEB DESPITE HIM TRYING TO KILL HER!!! THEN THAT FUCKING WORKS OUT!?!?!? #AND TOO THIS DAY SAUCE STILL NEVER COMES OFF LIKE HE ACTUALLY LOVES HER #IM SORRY BUT ITS TRUE. SARD WE ARE GETTING YOU BETTER PARENTS. ON GOD!!!!! #so she just hangs on to this one little thing that she SHOULD have gotten development for to move on from BUT IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS #so its like half her development never fucking happens and thats why it #s such a fuckinf mess!!!!! #i fucking hate this show. i need to go back to watching mike's dino game vod. what am i doing here????? #i did this to myself btw. i didnt need to start yelling about that but thats just how it is with nart #start thinking about something good and then it reminds you of something related thats bad and now its like. yeah this shit sucks #remember when kishi said he regretted not making hina the heroine???? we could have lived in a better timeline. #but if i say that i will get assassinated #anyway. #sock count #personal

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something #but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized. #and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this- #-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace- #-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller #which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this #and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely #oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it- #-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart #so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it. #fun./sar #i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to #because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get- #-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of #its probably the resilience though #im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically #this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it #just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear #it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over. #i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts #this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement. #its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every- #-time achievement #what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past. #even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again #if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa

[kollector-of-stims]

I CANT-

Just reorganized all my plushies and got into a SQUISHMALLOW PHASE and got together my ENTIRE COLLECTION AND CHANGED MY SLEEP AREA AND TOOK PICS-

THEN FOUND OUT THE COMPANY IS BAD IN WAYS I KNOW ARE BAD BUT DONT HAVE THE SPOONS TO LEARN ABOUT CAUSE I AVOID IRL ISSUES-

I guess me being into other plushies like Aurora and such is a better thing than I thought, but fr I JUST bought 2 new squishmallows EARLIER just to look on here for more wholesome stuff about them and then...

Well, guess cheaper alternatives and knock offs were the better option after all! My two knockoff bats make me happy knowing I didnt support jazwares! As for the official ones? Nah, not getting those irl anymore. So look at my collection now cause no more official ones from irl stores will join this group anymore~

Aurora is still my fave plushie brand 😁

#i admit im not knowledgeable on anything politics or war related cause i avoid irl issues to keep myself sane #so i have no research nor true knowledge so i technically have no room to argue any side #its pathetic i know but i dont wanna be depressed #i like to think that since i got these before knowing that i saved them from jazwares #but gosh bad companies are going to be unavoidable sometimes cause we live in a dystopia i hate to say #i wont judge anyone for not seeing this post #i hate people getting hurt but the real world is too much for my weak self #and i admire those that look into problems and have the energy to look deeper #just babbling #jazwares #forgive me but i was so ignorant and perform escapism #but HEY TBH IF THIS MAKES KNOCKOFFS AND SECONHANDS ACCEPTABLE THEN WIN WIN #isreal palastine #a topic im extremely ignorant about #tw israel #tw palestine #tw politics #tw war #boycott squishmallows #tw vent #this is all so overwhelming but im glad i learned #ask to tag #in case i need a specific tag #not stim

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃 #so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters #which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent #allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing #my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing #bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing #and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and #dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely #destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea #lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to #have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im #just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives #i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control #unrelated #i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods #mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio #i meant rip lol

[orcelito]

So I've had no time to write today bc work etc etc but I've been thinking about it like All day and

I have chapter 17 all plotted out, and tbh could potentially write it in a matter of days, brain willing. It's finally back to Not action, which as fun as action is to write its also fucking Hard. So it'll be nice not having to agonize over the sound of a fucking chain (Twice) etc etc. Add in the fact that it's gonna be angsty as hell (angst is always the Easiest for me to write) & I rly think I could knock this one out quickly.

And the Great news is that. Examining the timeline and what I have planned...

Wolfwood is definitely arriving in chapter 18. And not at the end like I'd suspected. No, he's probably gonna be there towards the Start.

I've gotten through the two most difficult arcs to write for early ITNL, so the ball is really rolling now. We are Finally getting places...

#speculation nation #itnl shit #the sandsteamer and the legato & monev things were Important #and i wanted to capture them in ways that was exciting to read #and displayed the sorts of things vash is doing to Make Things Better (with varying levels of success) #plus the experience of his friendship with the girls growing... these arcs have been ESSENTIAL for the progression of their relationships #so yes early manga stuff isnt really applicable for the vw but this isnt ONLY a vw fic #it's an examination of ALL of vash's important relationships. like with the girls. and with his brother. #thats why i got the platonic tags too. They Matter. #so i dont regret how much time and effort ive spent on all this stuff #... that being said tho. im REALLY looking forward to when he finally comes in. #i wont really know what to do with myself i dont think. #itnl has been such an exploration of grief and longing. and then itll actually get to the NEW romance??? #big if true. and it's Gonna be true soon... #so yea idk. im excited. im a little nervous too. just gonna try my best to make sure it keeps being good. #readers r so very nice. and i wanna give y'all what ur Really looking forward to... #soon. Soon.

[urostakako]

im a little sad today

#i wish i was a little more functional. that i could understand integrals. that i could finish my projects on time and not get distracted or #bored or upset five minutes in. that i could write everything i want to write without getting exhausted. that i could draw everything #i wanted to without feeling dread and like. idk. maintain something? that i could keep a routine without getting tired of it immediately #that there was enough time in the day to do everything i have and want to do and also sleep and eat and drink and keep clean on time #and be like. healthy. i wish applying for school and aid didnt actively fill me with dread. i wish it didnt feel like so much effort to make #a future for myself. i wish i could be like the others i know who seem to have such a clear and light weight mind unimpeded by roadblocks #i wish i could see my family more often. i wish they would respond when i ask after them. i wish i wasnt filled with panic everytime they #dont because i know that things arent the way they were but i cant seem to let that go even though its been years. i hate that the panic #doesnt go away. i wish i was fine living without them. i wish i was fine on my own. i wish i wasnt so detached to others and that i wasnt so #attached to the ones i love. i wish things were easier and so many things feel out of sight and i KNOW thats not true. i KNOW there is #something there waiting for me and i will be taken care of. i know everything will be fine and nothing is hopeless #but still it feels that way and i hate complaining about my feelings but its not wrong to feel and i know this. #somehow the repetitiveness of my feeling makes me just as tired as if someone else was talking to me about their problems all the time #which is so stupid. idk. #delete later #hanancouldyounot

[anotherpapercut]

being a leftist in 2023 is so wild. today I received 1 socialist zine and 1 anarchist zine

#this couldve gotten me killed in the 40s................... #lmao people will be like you cant be both an anarchist and a socialist the two possess disparate ideas on the role of the state #and thats true but what you CAN be is someone who enjoys the writings of famous anarchists socialists anc communists #and thus has a really difficult time deciding what the fuck they actually think about the role of the state #leading to a minor crisis of faith every time u switch tracks for a bit........ #please dont come at me about how dumb these tags are ok i know #anyway i think im gonna sub to dissent bc im subbed to jacobin which is socialist and i think dissent leans anarchist #then also just keep getting random ass zines bc i hate myself

[wickershells]

txt

#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me #i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am #truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside #or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just #me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here #i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious #i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont #want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they #i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish #i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here #i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see #and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all #be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself #theres an abyss where my personhood should be #i have to leave i have to get out of here

[cinnamon-notes]

i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)

#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact #with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes #but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost #become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad. #i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their #hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed #and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month??? #after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they #lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never #had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant #really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you #just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs #capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem. #and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them. #sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont #care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem #and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did #try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry” #and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found #yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!! #and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i #crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :) #cinnamon diary

[todayisafridaynight]

lit cannot stress how much fuckability masato lost after becoming aoki like emo death is real and its so so tragic

#snap chats #sorry but this has been my truth for months its time i speak on it #its true tho i dont think this is a shocking revelation to anyone #s'just like saying grass grows and birds fly #i will not support his prep phase its not happening hes such a dweeb now #rgg knew this fact with him showing off his tit despite that being like. The Worst Place Ever to inject yourself #we already discussed how he wasnt physically able to fuck and that was a nerf it was to humble him and keep him controlled and thats awful #frame one got me lookin at the screen like 👁👁 and then he open his mouth and my eyes get bigger and i sit in dead silence #was crackin jokes and chattin with myself every other second and then 🧍‍♂️ Go On Beautiful Keep Talking Idc What You Sayin #im a man until he starts talking about 'his girl' and then suddenly im feeling some kinda way #tho that might just be cringe cause why does bro talk like how i used to in high school 😭😭😭😭 #thats the funniest part about masato/aoki to me like. there's so much bullshit bout them that reminds me of high school #but thats the thing that was High School like im grown an shit this bro never grew up apparently AND HE STARTS THE GAME AT 23 #wait back to the subject line of this post i be acting like aoki dont got me unwise a total of like. four time either #sorry everyone there was something in the water today and now im ill #its cause i cant draw this weekend so i have to be disgusting some other way #gonna make it everyone else's problem but worse #anyway i have to end this post because the more i t hink about the high school comparison the more i start to cringe

[homophyte]

it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?

#myposts #this is long and honestly probably Nothing #i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it #and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here #but i do think theres something to the idea that like #as ive seen said #yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized' #i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to #but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me. #but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse #before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it #ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago #and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think #which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged #so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community #for our safety. #now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe! #cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel #again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think #basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility #coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky #--discourses in the current moment #last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*

[widevibratobitch]

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#another day another therapy session for a girl who has everything i could only ever dream of 🤡 #like i admit her family fucking sucks ngl #but idk if it's her being tone-deaf about this or if im just hypersensitive af on this topic but #'there's also this pressure to always be pretty and all' 'why tho like did your dad/mom ever comment on your looks?' #'well no haha not to be all braggy but there was never anything to comment on (negatively) yknow' #spoken to my face like oh right yeah well fuck me ig haha. once again reminded how different lives we live lol #and on top of this its this constant showing me that im being a bad friend to her which ig is true what with all my non responding to texts #but like. its like there is no real understanding towards me in turn. its like only she has problems and crippling mental issues #i dont call YOU out on your bullshit. i keep quiet and let you do and say whatever it is you need to make yourself feel better #even if it is actively capital H Hurting me and i come back home and end up sobbing in the pillow #and hating myself even more lol so cant you do the same and just take a deep breath and try to understand that i NEED a break sometimes #ANYWAY. #really feeling like scratching my face off my skull again