#i dont have as much nostalgia for panic as a lot of people do so its pretty easy for me to step away in that regard

[omegalomania]

hi!! just saw your post abt brendon and all the shit p!atd has covered up and i honestly feel so sick :// i have a question tho bc as much as i hate them now and wanna distance from them, i genuinely love some of their music but also i cant listen to it w/o being sick but i wanna enjoy the music solely yknow? dyou know how i could do that lol bc im gonna be sad if i can never listen to their songs the same way again

i cant say im an expert on any of this and it's hard because im of two minds. on one hand, yes, i love the idea of death of the author and reclaiming a work from a shitty person. on the other hand...i dont like the idea of continuing to validate that shitty persons work and maintain that persons relevance in the public eye, especially if it means that they get to coast off of that relevance and dodge consequences for their shit actions!

what muddies the issues so much with panic is that despite how much the marketing has pushed this idea...panic really isn't and never has been solely the brendon urie show. the band was started between two childhood friends (ryan ross and spencer smith). the band managed to exist because the original bassist, brent wilson, happened to know brendon urie and thought he could sing. the band got a record deal because ryan ross bothered pete wentz on livejournal enough times. panic at the disco got a career because pete wentz decided to take a chance on these kids from vegas and create an entire label to sign them. a fever you can't sweat out exists because of ryan ross and spencer smith as much as it does because of brendon urie. pretty odd exists because of jon walker and ryan ross and spencer smith as much as it does because of brendon urie. vices & virtues exists because of spencer smith and pete wentz and dallon weekes as much as it does because of brendon urie. too weird to live, too rare to die exists because of spencer smith and dallon weekes as much as it does because of brendon urie. death of a bachelor exists because of lolo as much as it does because of brendon urie. pray for the wicked exists because of brendon's 43 writers (yes, really, i counted, it has that many credited lmao) as much as it does because of the guy himself. all these records exist because of the producers and engineers that worked on them just as much as they do because of brendon urie, if not more so.

i don't want to downplay how many other hands have been involved in the machine of panic. brendon is not and never has been its sole engineer, no matter how much he's billed as the central creative mind. and i don't want to erase or dismiss how many other people contributed to that art because the one guy who owns the title now happens to be a garbage person, particularly since brendon didn't start the band to begin with! for however shit he was treated in the band, dallon has stated that he's still proud of a lot of the instrumentation and lyricism he put on too weird, and i want to still recognize a lot of that record as something i can admire.

for my part, i've still got a few panic albums on my ipod. i didn't...actually buy them because i was a broke college student when i got my hands on them lol so i didn't actually ever give the guy my money. and it's hard to listen to them now for the most part. i don't stream panic stuff, i don't give it views. if i listen to the older stuff, i do it on my own time and as isolated from statistics as possible. i don't support brendon voluntarily in any way and the only times i discuss him is to dunk on him mercilessly because he deserves it lol

i wish i had a better answer for you that could give you peace of mind, anon. the sad fact is that it's not a simple issue because the simplest part of the issue - that brendon urie is a sack of shit - is frustrated by the fact that he took ownership of a band that was never really his to begin with, and performs songs that he never actually wrote drawing from situations he never personally lived.

#askin hours #anon #...ask to tag i guess? #i dont have as much nostalgia for panic as a lot of people do so its pretty easy for me to step away in that regard #but i know for a lot of people its kind of gutting and im not unysmpathetic to that

[knockcare]

So I decided to rewatch Ranboos lore

MY SAD LITTLE ANGSTY OREO BOY NOW HES DEAD JUST LIKE REGULAR LORE 💔💔💔

(btw, sorry I can make lots of mistakes and misstypes) I decided to speak my thoughts in here cus I think people here more open and interested in talking and reading stuff. I have problems expressing my feelings about thing I love... But Im trying. Also wana be in here more.  So yeah!

I love his lore sm, I just found lots of stuff relateble, I think its so cool to see something in characters and reflect on that and. And also just interesting, and in a way very uniqie to what we seen before.

About his lore, hes been kinda first to do such... solo lore? I been there for long time but DAAMN its two years so its hard to remember stuff... But yes. Rewatching this got me back to when it all been so new. 

Also, early c!Ranboo phylosophy is just “you care so much about pixels🙄😫😭” (talking about lmenburg and “sides”)

The panic room! I seen it as well, very bad coping mechanism, and it kinda is, not just my interpretation? I still so clearly remember the moment c!ranboo was leaving the room and saying something “that was not good” saying about how he used to cope with things. And then he found something to comfort himself with (grass blocks!), instead of spiraling in the room, and then sometimes that room, that music, its still called for him, not letting just go so easily. It was so cool and important to see to me.. I think it was very good story about changing ways of coping, leaving unhealthy ones. I wonder what ranboo actually put something like this in it, or is it just how I see it. Anyways, it was very inspiring and cool.

BACK TO ANGST LOVER MOOD 

Also! The way how hes been talking to himself like from both sides? If you remember how he talked when been stressed, or you remember some animatics based on that, its actually cool. The way it shows his conflicting nature, the feeling of being lost, it was a cool way to show all there struggles and feelings. He stoped doing it cus he didnt wanted to missrepresent real stuff, and tried to make it clear, wich is good, just a bit sad we lost some traits of characters. Eh Im not bothered by thath!

OH AND MY GOD I remember how EVERY TIME JOINING STREAM WE WERE SO SCARED like literally it been so WOOOOO is it gonna be angst and pain and tears or no. I REMEMBER I ASKED TO HOLD MY HAND IN CHAT AND THERE WAS LIKE 10 OR SO PEOPLE RESPONDING.

Yeah I have some thoughts but also just wana scream about the amount of nostalgia Im getting from this rewatch session.

also THIS in his book. the context mind be SLIGHTLY different  probably not, but still holy-

I MISS HIS CHARACTER IM SO SAD. We been getting our blorbo content so often and one day its just stopped. Im very happy that ranboo having fun living his life and its natural that things not how they been back then, I just miss that silly little angsty character. 

I dont speculate on how many people put themselfs in character. But I just find it interesting how ranboo changed  himself, and how he just killed that silly oc of his and like then showed up this silly new ghostboo guy. I often myself reflect stuff about me in my characters, and its just cool to think theres someone doing the same and its the character you like a lot. Again, not speculating on seriouse stuuf or something, just fun thought. 

Well huh thats it, I think, maybe gonna chare my thoughts later again, since I still have tonns of lore vods to watch. So yeah!!! I just wana be in this place more.

#dsmp lore #I dont know how to tag this kind of stuff #ranboo #c!ranboo #lmanburg #c!tommy #exile arc

[hikari-writes]

『Haikyuu!!』

Fluff Oneshot

Winter Wonderland Collab

❝ A Very Special Christmas Eve ❞

Pairing: Iwaizumi Hajime

Warning: None, just some fluff, and mention of one death, and iwa being the husband material he is

Genre: F L O O F

Words: 2.6k

Notes:

- F!Reader

A/N: heres my piece for the winter wonderland collab!! Hope yall enjoy this one!!

Winter Wonderland Masterlist

Your legs swing from side to side as you snuggle closer to the pillow in your arms. The black screened TV stares back at your bored eyes lifelessly, as if expecting you to turn it on. You heave another heavy sigh when you receive a text notification from Hajime. You open the message and a wry smile naturally comes to your lip when you see your husband’s messages.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N…. I dont think i can make it to movie night tonight,,, I still have so many work to do at the office”

You correct your position on the couch before facing your phone again and replying to Hajime’s messages. 

“It’s okay hub :) dont work too hard now <3”

You close your phone and go back to staring around your empty living room. How many times has this been already, you thought to yourself. 

Ever since Hajime got promoted at his workplace, he has been busier than ever. Of course you're happy for him and you appreciate him doing so much to provide for you both but you can't help but to feel lonely sometimes.

Before his promotion, it's already been a tradition for the two of you to have a movie night together so you can relax and spend some quality time as a married couple.

Even still, he does a lot of things to make it up to you, like making you breakfast early in the morning before you wake up, kissing your forehead and cheeks whenever he gets home after work and a lot more. Just to show his affection and love for you even though he's constantly busy and swamped with works.

You check your phone again to see a new message from Hajime. He tells you that you can go to sleep first, since he'll probably be back at a later time. As you type out your reply for him, you can't help but notice the date shown on top of your phone screen.

It's nearing Christmas. Precisely one week from today. You think back on the memories you shared with Hajime from your previous years of spending Christmas Eve with him. 

Those moments are your favourite memories with Hajime of them all. It feels so nice to enjoy a meaningful holiday together with someone you love. Your smile fades as you remember back on how busy Hajime has been.

“Maybe we can't celebrate Christmas Eve together this year….”

You can't help but to feel a little bit disappointed at that realization, but you tried to stay positive...for Hajime's sake. You don't want to burden him by asking him to leave his work early just because you wanted to spend some more time with him. 

“What?? You don't think Iwa-ch--- I mean, Hajime-kun can be home for Christmas Eve because he'd be busy with his work??”

You silently sip your bubble tea as you stare at Oikawa's shocked face through the screen of your computer. After fiddling with the straw a bit, you nod your head at his question. 

“Y/N-chan, that's ridiculous! No matter how busy he may be, he can't possibly miss spending an important holiday like that with you.”

“I don't know, Oikawa….He's been busy these past few days. And I honestly won't be surprised if he's going to be busy again until Christmas Eve.”

You let out a heavy sigh and Oikawa gives a look of sympathy at you. 

You slump back into your chair and take another sip of your drink until there's nothing left in the cup, filling the empty silence between you two. There is a faint sound of people talking in a foreign language from Oikawa's side of the screen.

“I'm not trying to be ungrateful or anything since I know he's working hard for the both of us but….”

You bring your knees from under the table and hug it closer to your face, covering your entire face. 

“I just...I don't know if I can handle being alone for Christmas Eve without Hajime.”

You mumble those words through your hidden face, not really caring if Oikawa heard that or not but from the way his soft voice calls out your name, you assume he did. 

You hide your pained face in your knees for a lot longer, not noticing the clicking sound coming from behind you. Not until you hear Oikawa calling out your husband's name in a panic do you finally lift your head from the safe spot of your knees.

You stare at Hajime who's still in his suit. He came back rather early today. 

Hajime furrows his eyebrows at Oikawa when seeing how you were just hiding your face in your knees a few moments ago. 

“Hey, Shittykawa. You weren't trying to make Y/N cry were you?”

The sharp tone of his voice sends a chill down Oikawa's spine and he quickly laughs it off with a smile.

“Hajime-kun, that's mean!! I would never do that to my best friend's wife!”

Hajime puts a hand around your shoulder and lowers his face a bit to match the level of your computer screen before continuing to bicker again with Oikawa. 

The scene seems nostalgic to you, bringing your memories again to the times you were in high school. You can't help but to smile softly at them, enjoying their bickering a bit more before deciding that it's getting late and you and Hajime best return to bed by now.

After you close your computer, you turn to Hajime and he immediately plants a kiss on top of your forehead as he always does whenever he comes back. 

“You're home early today.”

You comment while wrapping your arms around his neck, resting your head on his chest and taking in the soft beating of his heartbeats.

“Yeah, I finished my work early today.”

He heaves a weary sigh as he replies to you, and you plant another kiss on the bridge of his nose before grinning. 

“Well, I'm glad I could snuggle with you tonight while we're sleeping then.”

You both share a kiss before going off to do your night routine. 

After you're done with your night routines, you climb onto your bed and snuggle into your soft pillow before pulling out your phone to kill some time while waiting for Hajime to finish his shower. 

When you feel a big hand being placed on top of your shoulder, you close your phone and turn back to face Hajime with a soft smile. 

“So what were you talking with Oikawa about?”

Hajime starts as the both of you get under the duvet. 

“Just catching up and asking him how he's been. He seems to be pretty happy there. Oh, and, it seems that he's still having a hard time trying to not call you Iwa-chan.”

You giggle a bit when remembering back how Oikawa kept referring to Hajime as Iwa-chan like he used to in high school while the both of you were in a video call just now. Now that you're also an “Iwaizumi”, he can't really use the nickname “Iwa-chan” for Hajime anymore. 

Hajime hums a bit before nodding.

“Can't say I'm surprised there.”

He pulls you into a hug and you close the distance between you two by snuggling into his chest. You could smell the fresh scent of the body soap he used. It was calming and very like him. 

“Something’s bothering you, isn’t it?”

The sudden question almost makes you flinch in his arms. You can’t afford to let him know now but you can’t bring yourself to cover it up and lie to him either. Especially because of how sharp and attentive he can be towards you. 

“Yeah… a bit. I was just wondering about that coworker I told you about before.”

Hajime looks down at you and seems thoughtful for a moment.

“You’re still worried about how she would cope with her husband’s death?”

You nod in his chest and tighten your arms around his sturdy build.

Technically, it’s not a lie. You were extremely concerned and worried about your coworker who recently just lost her husband. You can’t help but think, if you were in her place, how would you handle it.

“Losing someone as important as your partner is certainly something that’s hard to cope with. But, knowing that now they’re in a better place up there, watching over you and wanting you to go through life, full of smiles...I think that just makes you feel a lot better. You might not be able to be together now, but one day, you will reunite and you’ll have an eternal span of time to be together.”

You look up at Hajime who’s stroking your hair softly. You didn’t expect him to say all that. Those words just made your heart clench more and you pull on his shirt to lower his face and give him a kiss on his lips. 

“Hajime you’re more destructive than I originally thought....”

You bury your face in his chest again, hiding your steaming face and leaving your husband confused.

Days passed and it’s finally Christmas Eve. Many people are in the shopping district, buying the necessities for their home decor and ingredients for cooking. As always, you had bought everything beforehand so as to avoid the gathering crowd.

It’s nearing evening and you can see many young couples around, sitting together and gazing at the decorations in the shopping district. You can’t help but to look at them with nostalgia. It reminded you so much of your younger days with Hajime.

You shake the thought from your head and continue walking away. You chose to take a detour after you’re done with work today, just so you could take a look at the busy shopping district. Since it’s Christmas Eve today, you thought that you’ll start decorating your house when you get back home.

“Hajime’s probably gonna be busy today and tomorrow too so I can take my time a bit,” you mumble to yourself and continue making your way through the district.

Moments after you said that, you received a text message from Hajime that weighs upon your heart like a heavy rock.

”Babe, I’m so sorry I can’t make it home before 12…. Seems like we’ll miss spending time together for this year’s Christmas Eve. Im so sorry again, i know how much you’ve been looking forward to Christmas Eve every year but the work just keep on piling up. And for Christmas tomorrow too...I’m so sorry.”

You thought that maybe if he can’t make it for Christmas Eve, you would have had time to spend on Christmas the next day. You have to accept the fact that this year, there’s just no other way other than to spend it alone and being wrapped up in your blanket. You honestly much prefer Hajime’s strong arms to wrap you up, though.

Christmas Eve is considered to be one of the most popular days to celebrate as a couple and you truly enjoyed spending it with Hajime every year. That’s why you value the celebration so much and you honestly don’t want to celebrate it with anyone else other than him.

Although your main concern right now is more towards the fact that he’s been working too much lately. You’re definitely worried about his health more than anything right now.

“It’s really okay bb! Im grown up now and i know we cant celebrate Christmas eve together every year :) Im just worried that youve been working too much and havent had much rest lately :(( make sure to take care of yourself u hear me ??!”

You see him replying with a promise that he will, and that somehow put you at ease. You tell him you'll reach home soon and send a last 'I love you' message before turning off your phone and picking up your pace.

“I’m home….”

You open the lock and step inside the empty and dark house. 

But something feels wrong.

At the center of the living room, you can make out several colourful light bulbs hanging from a Christmas tree.

“Huh….that’s weird. I didn’t remember putting anything there….”

In fact, you haven't even started decorating yet. It makes you wonder if you have decorated the living room while you were asleep.

“But I'm pretty sure it was empty around here before I left for work….”

You look around your house once more and sure enough, it's filled to the brim with Christmas decoration. Your heart flutters at the sight, completely disregarding the odd fact that the house has already been decorated even though you don't remember doing so.

All of a sudden, you feel a pair of strong arms around your waist, pulling you closer before all the lights in the house are turned on. 

“Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

The soft voice of Hajime coming from behind startled you a bit, but that doesn't stop the tears that're welling up in your eyes.

“Hajime?! But-- I thought that--”

When you feel his grip around you loosens, you turn around to face him, not really realizing the tears that are threatening to fall down your eyes.

“Surprise?”

He says with a shrug and a grin before embracing you once again. You bury your face in his chest and before you know it, you're already starting to let the tears and a few hiccups out.

Hearing you crying, Hajime quickly releases you with his eyes wide, inspecting your face while you try to hide it in your hands.

“Y/N, what's wrong?”

You can hear his panicked voice calling for you and your hiccups slowly turn into a soft laughter.

“S-sorry...it's just, I really wasn't expecting this and…..All this time I've just felt so lonely thinking that you won't be able to spend Christmas with me but… but this surprise really caught me off guard and my tears just started...”

You try to explain through your tear stained face with a smile. Hearing that explanation, Hajime releases a relieved sigh and cups your cheek in his hands before moving it closer to plant a soft kiss on your lips. 

“Sorry I made you feel that way, honey.”

You shake your head and give him another kiss on the lips. You both stare at each other for a moment before letting out a soft giggle. 

As he leads you to the dining room, he explains to you how he's been busy working overnight the days before so that he can get an early leave for Christmas Eve. He wants to make a surprise Christmas celebration with you so he took it upon himself to decorate and cook all the food before you came back home from work. 

“Hajime, I really appreciate you doing this for me….”

You stroke his face and bring it closer but all of a sudden you flick your fingers to his forehead, thankfully not too hard so your fingers aren't too damaged from the hit. 

“But what did I tell you about working too hard, hmmm?? You better be getting enough rest after this or else!”

Your husband just looks at you with a deadpan expression before heaving a small sigh. 

“It's okay, I don't have to go to work tomorrow so I plan to rest anyway.”

He sneaks in another kiss, completely catching you off guard and almost making you forgive him right away if not thanks to your strong wife's willpower.

“Oh but...tomorrow's Christmas so….”

You look at him again and a smile automatically graces your lips in a matter of seconds. 

“We get to spend the whole day together on Christmas then.”

You hum those words out, and skip your way into the dining room with a smiling Hajime following closely behind you. 

“Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.”

That night, the Iwaizumi household is filled with laughter as they dine and chat together, spending their time and valuing each other's company as a happy married couple.

The End

Gen. Taglist: @vventiis @laylahoran @whootwhoot @mirakeul @kiyorei @instantmiya-main @ourvisty @tamaguchi @cadenceh2o @hidehaskak @yamagucji @ynainnit @tsukisemi @that-chick212 @bakuhoetoedoroki @alysken [Join my taglist here!]

Winter Wonderland Taglist: @aii-channn @peteunderoos @jungtoast @nekoclysm @our-tall-slytherin-queen @isabella5 @slippinglasses @yhyucklee @rowley-with-ackerman @lilacnoodles [Get into the winter wonderland taglist on this post!]

#iwaizumi hajime x reader #haikyuu iwaizumi #iwaizumi x you #haikyuu oneshot #[❄]-winter wonderland!

[mggpleasedontlookhere]

winter reminiscence pt. 3

Summary: Y/N and Timothee go about the day, causing mischief and reconnecting, but where will they end up now?

word count: 1,967                                                                                     reading time aprox: 7 mins

“Yes?” I spoke with reluctance, biting the insides of my cheeks as I felt the warmth radiating off of the gentle grasp he had of my dainty hands. “Do you need anything?” I added with underlying intent, a part of me hoping he’d recognize that deep longing for him I’ve suppressed, so I wouldn’t have to recognize it myself. 

“I just-” He paused, clearing his throat and dropping his hand from mine, the sudden chill of the air biting at my fingers from the loss of his touch. “I was wondering if you’d like to sit?” He gestured, pointing to the empty chair in front of him. 

“Thank you, but I won’t be long” I returned with a polite smile. His eyes seemed to get duller as he understood my avoidance and gave me a courteous nod. Thus, sending me into a frenzy of guilt and confusion, my stomach churning at the thought of the possibility of this event occurring again. 

But, did I want our paths to meet again? 

“But..um” I interjected, raising my eyes to his hopeful ones. “I could stay a little bit” I reasoned, a soft smile guiding the corners of my lips, which seemed to have matched Timothee’s own. 

“Yeah, that’d be cool” He replied, hiding the enthusiasm in his tone as he stood up to pull out the chair in which I would be seated at. I gracefully sat down, and by that I mean ‘almost missing the chair completely’ in which Timothee had come to my saving grace by catching the small of my back. I uttered another coy ‘thank you’ and began going through my social media. 

Anticipating that Timothee would start a conversation with me, I was thoroughly disappointed when he dug his nose into his textbook. A few minutes had passed and my knee naturally began to bounce in impatience, while I scrolled madly through tumblr. 

Are we going to speak? Should I just get up and leave? Would he even notice if I left? 

To test my hypothesis, my fingers crawled to a sugar packet that laid conveniently at the edge of the table, then, with a nudge and a secretive glance at Timmy, the packet was whisked onto the floor. With haste, I withdraw my hand back quietly, examining the room around me before cautiously picking up the sugar packet, noticing the brief inquisitive looks I would receive from Timmy.

Wow, so he would notice me

I nodded to myself, taking pride in the silly experiment I conducted. A victory smile spread across my face, reveling in a feeling of claiming his attention, Though, the feeling was cut short and replaced with a much rather painful and literal knock to the head, while picking myself up, courtesy of these oak tables. 

“Ow, shit!” I cursed under my breath, holding my scalp in discomfort while my brain cells felt like they were threatening to jump out of my skull any moment.

“Are you okay?” Timothee said in a panic, jumping out of his seat and kneeling beside me to hold onto my arm. His eyebrows were contorted in anguish and his lips pouted like the way they always do whenever he was stressed. Squeezing my eyes in humiliation, my hands were glued to the side of my head, reassuring him that I was alright. 

Timmy then began climbing back to his seat, until a loud thud could be heard with an audible ‘Fuck! Shit!’ that had rang out from in front of me. I opened my eyes to investigate, and there was Timmy clutching his left shoulder in absolute agony. 

In that moment, we both stared at each other in disbelief and began laughing our absolute lungs out. My chest burned as we got ourselves into a fit, intensifying when one or the other clutched their bruised areas and winced, creating an amusing sound. 

We both had paused at tightening breaths, transitioning into a fit of coughs and half giggles, while we came off of our shared highs. We bore our eyes into each other with incredulous looks, feeling the passion and love that used to filter our eyes when in each other’s company. We both had caught our breaths, lingering at each other for a while before reserving ourselves back into our seats. 

Timothee inquired about the atmosphere around us, as people began shooting us glares and looks of disapproval. “Uhhh, as much as I enjoy losing a few IQ points from tables, I don’t think everyone’s, um, an enthusiast of us” He pointed out, gesturing to the audience we were gathering. 

“I’m waiting on a book right now, do you wanna wait with me?” I asked, my voice decreasing in volume as the words strung out from my lips. 

“Of course” He replied, wearing that same lingering stare we held earlier, with a hint of shock and enthusiasm at my proposition. 

With that, we maneuvered through the aisles of chairs and the sea of subjective eyes, dispensing apologetic smiles and nods to the people we had disturbed. 

Walking across to the bookstore, he held the door open for me and we both went inside, basking in the heat coming off of the radiator next to the front entrance. 

“Oh, hello dear!” The old women exclaimed. “Back so soon? Oh! And you’ve brought your boyfriend with you” She added, sending a youthful and compassionate look to both of us. 

My heart leaped into my throat, while my eyebrows furrowed in dread, unable to correct the women. To make matters even worse, she began talking about how Timothee somehow resembled Laurie from the book I sought to read and how he was a ‘fine young gentleman’ that I held on my arm. 

Timothee’s muffled snickering was audible behind me, while he relished in his mistaken glory. “You hear that Y/N? ‘a fine young gentleman’” He teased, straightening up his posture to impersonate a prim and posh figure. 

“Yes, and that’s why you hit your shoulder on the underside of the table, right?” Referring to the events that took place previously, which made him swallow his words right away, although the glint of mischief he wore remained. 

“I think your sorely mistaken miss, I was compensating for when YOU hit yourself over the head. I didn’t want you to- ya know, to bear the embarrassment alone” He cockily explained, holding his head high and peering at me from the tip of his nose. 

We set ourselves in a fit of amusement again, filling the air with harmonious laughter and pure energy, resembling the moments we had when our relationship was also harmonious and pure. 

It was those first introductions that I missed the most; the first hello, the first hug, the first touch. All fueled by a kindled and mutual sense of hesitation and puppy love that reminded our hearts of vulnerability. The first time when touch became electricity that flooded every molecule, when the first kiss was awkward and unfavorable, yet made you forget to breath, and the time where laying next to him felt like a home you never knew you had. 

“Anyways, if you don’t mind me asking, is my book ready?” I asked, breaking away from Timmy and facing the woman, in order to eradicate or at least dwindle the onset of nostalgia that threatens to wash over me. She hurriedly searched through the drawers behind her, shuffling through what seems to be a void of paper bags and forgotten trinkets.

“Here you go love. Come back anytime you please” The lady said as a last farewell, turning around and going about her business, staring out the glass window solemnly as the autumn leaves fell victim to the winter air. 

“Little women, huh?” Timothee inquired, gesturing to the book that rested between my palms. 

“Yes, is that a problem?” 

“Well, I find it ironic actually. A little women reading ‘Little Women’” He explained, alluding to my height, which unfortunately was always a target that Timothee would tease upon. 

“Oh, so now you think you’re funny?” I remarked, now migrating towards the entrance of the building, walking backwards as I faced Timothee. 

“Well, actually, I know I’m funny” Timmy exaggerated, following me to the outdoors, grinning with an impish smile on his face. The air seemed to be frigid and unforgiving as Timmy’s curls flew spirals around his head while the wind blew, and my hands found refuge in the creases of my elbows. “Why? You don’t think I’m funny?” He suggested, closing in on me as I drew closer to a lampost on the side of the street. 

Still facing him, “Well...I think a lot of things of you, actually” I slyly replied, squinting my eyes at him to study his reaction as my evocative words slowly registered in his mind. 

The distance between us begun to decrease, the bleak air no longer affecting my arms and legs as Timmy drew closer, keeping steady eye contact with me. He wore a dark and unreadable expression, tilting his head to the side to analyze me. “And...what things are those?” He interrogated, with an obscene tone. 

A feeling of young love and excitement surged through me like a new kind of energy filling the emptiness within my heart.

But, what was I really doing?

I would’ve let the comforting warmth infiltrate the void that filled me, but it was too soon, the feeling was only temporary. Timothee was right here, right in front of me with his boyish charm and irresistible smile that complimented the pools of green and blue, that painted his eyes. 

But, that was my mistake last time. All those times of hurt, was not because of Timothee, but because I let myself drown in the evergreen of his irises, I succumbed to his warmth and let him suffocate me with his lips, that could’ve been on another’s. I kept digging my own grave and it wasn’t anyone’s doing, but mine. 

“I was thinking that...I should, go” I explained dimly, the welcome in my voice no longer present as realization hit me like a tidal wave. 

“Why?” He voiced with concern, his expression also turning a complete 180, surprised by my unsatisfying response. 

“Because-I dont- it’s- What are we doing Timothee?” I confessed, admitting defeat as I struggled to find the right words. “I mean, what are we really doing? We’re going to talk again, then text and flirt. Why? Because it feels good” I explained. 

“But, Y/N-” He tried to interject. 

“Timmy, you and I know, whatever this is, will be temporary. We’ve been through this multiple times, on and off. Aren’t you sick of it? Aren’t you sick of starting over?”

“Y/N, it’s not like th-” 

“But it’s always like that Timmy. Don’t you see it, whenever things get hard, you walk away, and you expect me to wait for you. I don’t want to do that anymore Timmy” 

“Y/N- just let me explain” He stuttered, combing his fingers through his ruffled head. “I know, I did you wrong many times, and I understand that I’ve hurt you- and I’m sorry- If you want to leave, I’d understand it, but I want you to know that I’ve never felt the way I felt with you, with anyone else. I know, you don’t trust my words, but-” He paused, reaching for my hand and placing it on his chest. “You need to know, I put it on my heart and soul, that I’ve never felt love, the way I feel it with you” 

Complete submission emitted from his eyes, flooding my chest will all sorts of emotions that was almost impossible to resist. I could’ve sworn tears began to seep up and brim as his eyes became glassy, casting a film atop the green I used to love. 

“Timmy-” I began, taking his hand in mine and giving it a tight squeeze, watching his innocent smile form on his cheeks, but soon took a change as I dropped his hand to his side and took a step back. “I can’t Timmy, I can’t anymore. You just- you need to understand that being with you is mentally draining- and apologize if that comes off a bit mean, but it’s true” 

“Y/N, I know what I did-” 

“Timmy, we can’t just stand here and spend all winter reminiscing on what happened before, or else we’ll miss out the beautiful things during spring” 

“Why can’t we head out till spring? Why can’t we give it another chance and let it bloom into a beautiful thing, like you said?” 

“Because Timmy, I’m tired of being replanted, then ripped from the ground, and thrown out whenever you think things aren’t pretty anymore. I think it’s best if we spend this time apart” 

“Y/N, I think-” 

“I loved you so much Timothee, and you might not love me as much as I wish you did, but we need to be our own people. We keep manifesting toxicity and finding comfort in them, and it’s not doing either of us good.”

“I love you too, Y/N” 

“I just- we can’t keep getting stuck on our reminiscence of each other, we both need to move onto better things at the moment. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths again, and we’ll introduce our children to each other-” 

“But, we were supposed to have those children together”

“I hope life treats you well, and I hope you treat life well also. You’re tremendously smart, and I know you have a lot to give. Just know that I support you in whatever you do. Just keep moving forward, Chalamet” 

With that, I reached up and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek, turning around to walk away. My heart swam in a pool melancholy, but my soul swelled with a new form of freedom. 

Silence perturbed the air, as I felt his sorrowful eyes digging at the back of my head as I walked away

But now, I was the one that needed to look forward. 

for the both of us

-

part 1

AN: That was it guys, I hope you enjoyed the little narrative and I apologize profusely for the lateness, I’ve been bombarded with college application supplements. Anyways, have a good day, see you on the next one :)

#Timothee #Timothee Chalamet #timmy #lil timmy #timmy chalamet #timothee chalamet imagine #timothee chalamet imagines #timothee chalamet x reader #timothee imagine #lil timmy tim #timothee x reader #timothee chamalet #timmy imagines #cmbyn #little women #winter #nyc

[lesbiangemma]

Hi Im going to rant about nostalgia for a bit because im experiencing Emotions and I dont have anyone to talk to about it. 

I think the memory that started this was this camp I went to when I was 12. It was in the middle of a quiet forest with about 50 kids from school. We had little cabins and a big area in the middle with a campfire. This was when I was first discovering that I was a lesbian and I felt so alone and scared and confused. We did an activity where we stood in a big circle, the camp leader would say something and if we related to it, we step in the circle. Everyone would hold up their hands and do the sign for “I love you” in sign language to show their love and support. 

Anyways, this went on for a little bit, and then the leader said “step in the circle if you are part of the LGBTQ community” and I was like, oh shit thats me. I was so scared I didnt want people to know, I felt like they would be against me and I was so alone. A couple kids stepped in and after a moment of hesitation I followed. I looked around and everyone in the circle raised their hands in support, showing they loved me for who I am. I immediately broke down in tears, I really wasnt alone. I felt loved

That night we walked to the campfire around 10;00 pm, and people sang songs around the fire. I stared up at the stars, there were so many, I heard the fire, the singing, the crickets, the breeze. The girl I liked at the time came and sat next to me, we watched the stars together before returning to our cabins. 

The next night we got on the bus and headed home around 7:00 om, and two hours in the girl I liked put her head on my shoulder and we both fell asleep the whole ride home.

Another thing I remember was the Halloween events we would have in elementary school. We would be there until around 10:00 pm which was so exciting because I was never allowed to stay up that late. Me and my friends dressed up, and we all hung out on the swings together. I did the cake walk and won a delicious angel food cake with strawberry frosting, and fell asleep on the car ride home. 

I miss when almost every friday nearly in 9th grade I believe, my best friend at the time would come over and we would play super paper mario together, he had to play most of it cuz I sucked at it. We ate cheese dip and drank arizona tea. We have drifted away because he got popular and I somehow got less popular than I already was. I miss it a lot and I really hope he doesnt read this. 

I miss two years ago, my brother and I began to become friends as I got out of my depression and we talked for the first time in at least a year. The first time we really talked was when we went camping and two moths got into the tent and I started having a panic attack. My parents didnt understand my phobia and he immediately came to my defense, he looked out for me the rest of the trip and he still does. 

I remember being at my grandmas old apartment, we would sleep there every saturday and binge TV shows with her for hours, and then I would stay up half the night playing tomodachi life and octopath traveler. I went to see my brother in the other room, and he told me that he wants me to play kid icarus, he really liked it and thought I would too. He got it for my birthday and we started playing it together. He had to beat most of it for me.

We went to this hotel with my parents, and when we werent doing much we would sit in the room and play kid icarus together. We started developing inside jokes, we started getting along well, I always laughed so much around him, I felt like for the first time we were really becoming friends. I miss sitting in his room and watching him play outer wilds for hours. He let me play at first, but i couldnt stop crashing like a dumbass so of course, he had to beat it for me. I remember crying my eyes out at the ending. 

I miss playing minecraft with him, he was pit and i was tressa and we mostly messed around. I miss playing stardew valley with him too, all he did was fish but it worked. I miss playing raft with him and some of his friends occasionally, i miss playing octopath traveler with him. for once i had to beat the game because he sucked at it, sorry dude. 

I dont know, Im listening to minecraft music and just really miss this. Maybe its because everything is so shitty right now that I wish I could go back to these happier, simpler times. But even if things are fucked up or not, I wish I could experience those again. I think I miss a lot of people that used to be in my life, it almost hurts to look back at, but at the same time I’m glad I experienced these things. 

I think I’m scared for life to go on. 

#if anyone read this thank you #it all sounds so stupid but i appreciate it #sorry for any typos im on desktop and never learned how to type #mimi’s memos

[caps-clever-girl]

thoughts on endgame.

fair warning, i am not going to be kind. i enjoyed watching this movie, for the most part. it was funny; it had many good jokes and good, pure and well done interactions between multiple characters. but i didnt like it, and here are the reasons why.

unfortunately, this isnt a ‘nitpicky’ post. my main problems are with a lot of the bigger points points of the film, and had quite a few. this is a LONG post.

• “marvels first gay character!!!!!!!!!!!!” shut up. you joined the ‘fad’ late for brownie points and it was a cameo character who got about 3 lines. there are plenty of canon queer and gay characters who could have been introduced, either as cameos or in earlier films. dont even get me started on the fact that tony has more canon bi material than most others and marvel could have taken the time or even the slightest bit of effort to make this. while i enjoyed the jokes about steve being Incredibly Hot and his ass being Gods Gift To America (which honestly??? correct!) that could have been expanded on. several characters made comments about how nice steve’s ass is, and could have been used as actual material for a queer character, instead of sticking a random chharacter in there. i get the whole ‘gay people could be anyone! its normal!’ thing by giving the ‘role’ to a regular person, but you would also prove that by making any one of your 30+ main cast actually queer instead of making gay jokes and hints that could be retconned and explained away by humour.

• slapping someone out of a panic attack, and treating the panic attack like a joke. yeah, i get it, they didnt have a lot of time. still, come on. did iron man 3 teach you nothing? apparently not since tonys ptsd was pretty much never brought up again.

• speaking of thor. now, i am not an expert, but when a person gains weight, they do not keep their abs. certainly not after five entire years - not even asgardians. i also found it odd that thor became the way he did. i understand gaining weight and comfort eating after all the trauma thor went through losing his home and brother and people, i really do, but 1.) do it properly, at least, and 2.) thor is the leader of his people. does he want the task? not particularly. he hasnt wanted to be king since the first thor movie, but hes been forced into the role. even depressed i dont think thor would shy away from it, not completely. hes always wanted to do right by his people and i think that hed stuck to it, especially after The Snap backing him into a corner, if that makes sense. to clarify, i dont have a problem with chubby/fat thor. (IF done right instead of with weird, shitty cgi, that is.) i have a problem with the fact that thor, even though he doesnt want to be king, would abandon the last remanents displaced people to build a new home all on their own and become a hermit gamer boy. ESPECIALLY with valkyrie around. she’s been through a derpressive, alcohol fuelled time in her life and thor pulled her out of it. (mostly anyway, asgardians are party animals and im p sure she still gets trolleyed on the reg) i have bo doubt that after years of wallowing she would do her damned best to try and kick his ass out of it, even if it were just because his people need a leader, instead of letting him drop everything on her and just let him stew while new asgard gets on with it. i also didnt like the fact that all of thors emotional moments were treated as jokes and made to be funny when hes genuinely Fucked Up about eveything thats happening and made his image into a whiny crybaby.

• professor hulk. more of a personal one, this, simply because i just didnt like it. fair enough if y’all disagree on this one, im not going to fight it. i just never saw him wanting to combine himself with the hulk. ever. when he apleared on the screen i was completely blindsided, and his explanation, and the way he interacted with the kids????? i just want to know where all of this confidence suddenly came from. i use the term ‘suddenly’ loosely, since its been five years, but bruce has never been the guy to care about strength or looks or fame. hes always been shy and nerdy. not afraid to stand his ground or make his opinion known. hes bot a catchphrase, posing and flexing ‘hell yeah lets take a selfie’ guy. i get that thats maybe the result of the hulk and bruces combined personality but it just felt WEIRD to me, like, there wasnt a time in the film where i felt comfortable with the character. this was the final avengers film, with all of the original six avengers in it. but it didnt feel like that, it didnt feel like bruce or the hulk was in the film, even though there was a lot of funny and good moments with orofessor hulk, it felt like a stranger with some familiar characteristics. it ruined any feelings of nostalgia for me. i like bruce, and i like the hulk. i like the way their differences add to the story and the way they interact with eachother, and the slow change in their relationship. sorry if its petty but i prefer them seperate, theres just so much more to them for me.

• clint and natasha’s journey for the soul stone. both times, in infinity war and endgame, a male character and a female character went to get the soul stone. both times the male came back and the female died, and we lost possibly two most developed and main-line female characters in the entire mcu. now i understand the reasoning for both, and out of the characters that went there, i agree with the choice. thanos and gamora; it was thanos who was aware of the sacrifice and who chose to make it. gamora didnt get a choice and was unaware until it was too late. thanos was never going to die there. he knew there would be a sacrifice and chose to take gamora, because she would be the most likely sacrifice to actualky sucsesfully yield the soul stone because she was the most loved by him. i get it, but we lost gamora and i dont like it. clint and natasha; looking at it completely objectively, clint has a family, a wife and three children, that he wants to get back. natasha does not have any children, nor any (blood) family. if i had to choose, based on facts like that, id choose her too. but i still hate it, because there goes the only female member of the avengers. also, nebula (and i think maybe rocket?) KNEW that a sacrifice would be made and either accidentaly or deliverately left out the terms of aquiring the soul stone. it would have been easy to tell, if not easy to solve. but nothinb was said, and two best friends had to make a fucking awful and horrible choice when they might not have had to.

• on the ‘feminism’ tangent; the random congragation of women in the end scene??????? i dont????? okay so i am marking myself as a hypocrite here because i did love this scene!!! it made my lil gay heart go boom to see so many good and strong women all in one place - ESPECIALLY rescue - and it also made me realise how many women there actually are across the mcu??? which was really nice?? but it just felt... so forced? the way they ALL suddenly apleared and stood together even though they were all mixed in around the battlefield. it was a wonderful thought and i did enjoy it, but it seemed too Off and Odd to seem as much more than a bid for Feminism Brownie Points.

• captain marvel. i dont know about you, but i was actually looking forward to her being in the film. for a character so hyped to be the saviour of the avengers and the end of thanos, she was barely in the film. ‘i have other planets to save, the earth isnt the only one affected by thanos’ yeah but earth is the only plannet actively attacked by him. its where the people who are rallying to fight him and reverse what he did are. dont you want to stick around and help them? surely it would be a hell of a lot easier with your help, and faster too. yes, she blasted theough the ship at the end, but she did fuck all to help defeat thanos himself, and the help she did give with the ship came at the end. i genuinely think they kept her out of the movie because she was too powerful, and would have made fighting thanos etc too easy to get all the suffering and noble sacrifices in. if she had been a side character i dont think id be as mad, but she got a whole MOVIE in which she is clearly the start of the entire avengers initiative; she is their HISTORY!!!! she is so powerful!!!! and yet she has 5 mins of screen time!! it pisses me off that she was So Strongly implied to be the character the avengers NEEDED, the one that without whom it would be IMPOSSIBLE to defeat thanos; the woman that really tipped the scales in there favour, and yet she did fuck all. (and lets not even get started on the carol/rhodey and carol+tony bromance we COMPLETELY missed out on.)

• (speaking of bonding what the fuck happened to tony and nebula????? after they were rescued it was like they never met)

• the whole entire concept of time what the fuck!!! ‘dont change anything’ okay well for the most part you did okay, and the PLAN and CONCEPT was actually really easy to grasp, at least to me, which is hard when working with paradoxes and wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey stuff. but that went out the water when past!thanos and his army were brought into the future and disintergrated. does this mean they’re dead in the past - since they would have just. Left and not come back and therefore ceased to exist from that point???? or did tonys Snap simply send them back to their point in time, with no memory of what had occured? idk because it aint explained.

• speaking of; loki. again - his past changed; he managed to escape, with the tessarect. this is not explained nor expanded upon. assuming the events of thor 2 came about - which were impossible if he escaped - then his timeline would carry on as normal, and would PERHAPS explain the tessarects wacky timeline. (i dont know for certain, because i cant work it out anyway). but loki disspearing means he wouldnt have gone to trial on asgard, nor would he wouldnt have been in thor 2 - also by extention meaning that frigga is still alive. technically if he went back to get odin off the throne anyway, everything else after thor 2 involving loki/asgard would still come to pass. either way, we dont know. it was a nice way for endgame to give fans what we wanted; the posibility of loki coming back. but it doesnt make a lick of sense, and we have no idea if hes still alive/escaped or not, and why. personally i have no fucking idea and im pretty sure it was a cop out so they could give us what we wanted. which brings to my other point:

• giving the audience what we wanted. we got loki interaction. we got loki ‘escaping’ and ‘surviving’ (????) we FINALLY got rescue, who many fans have been asking for since i think iron man 2, and even more so since The Badass That Was Pepper Potts in im3. we got morgan stark and tony and pepper married, we got jokes about steves ass, and more jokes about male characters admiring how hot other male characters are. and, most importantly, we got tony having the nice relaxing life he wanted out in his cabin in the woods with his wife and kids (even if it was a horrific way of getting there). i dont quite know how to explain it, but to me it seemed like they were shoving as many ‘fan-requests’ into the film as possible - so that when they killed off 2 of the original 6, and removed another by ageing him out of use, they could lessen the backlash and justify the changes by going ‘but you got so mych that you wanted beforehand!!’. a tactic they drenhed us with because one of those 2 was a fan favourite that people were BEGGING not to be killed off because they felt that he hadnt recieved anywhere near the peace or happiness he deserved so far - and now never will. which brings me to:

• tony’s death.

there are two parts to this.

one, i was incredibly pissed off because strange’s Big Plan, the ONLY reason he saved tony in infinity war, was so tony could use the gauntlet and kill himself anyway later. anyone in that film could have used that gauntlet - and many wouldnt have suffered fatal injuries; captain marvel, steve, t’challa, peter quill to name a few possibilities - basically, anyone who is in anyway enhanced would have had a better chance of surviving and would have therefore been the better choice; aka, half the mcu. i think it was a proximity thing; tony was closest. he had the oppertunity and the others didnt. but tony didnt know about the option of using it until strange looked at him and gave him ‘the signal.’ the signal to sacrifice himself. and of course, this is tony stark. when is he ever going to refuse that.

but reason two, and this is the one that stings the most; tony started the mcu.

in my opinion, he is the character who has put the most in during the whole ten years. he, of ALL the characters, deserves his happy ending of marrying the love of his life and having a kid, without constantly fearing that hes foing to have them ripped away from him, that hes going to have to fight to the death to keep them safe.

one of my friends, when i complained about tony dying, said; “it was his time. plus, he had a legacy! with pepper and morgan, and the iron man name. how can you be upset?”

i can be upset because tony got the happiness he wanted after losing exactly 50% of what he held dearest. i can be upset because hawkeye got his family back, but tony only got five years with his wife and less with his kid, instead of getting the oppertunity to grow old with his wife and watch his kid go to collage like clint will. i can be upset because the character that has gone through the most trauma, both physically and mentally, who spent the last ten years trying to better the world and everything in it and protect it, who got the most shit for every decision he made and who ended EVERY SINGLE FILM with a broken limb or his face littered with bruises and cuts while every other film centric character ended the film usually scrape free, didnt get his happy fucking ending. sure, he has a legacy. but i dont give a shit, because that legacy - of iron man, of morgan and pepper and stark industries - would have been there whether tony was alive to see it flourish or not. but he wont be.

this goes beyond being a ‘tony stan’ or tony being my favourite character. out of every single character, from start to finish, anthony edward stark fucking deserved a happy ending and by god he deserved it the most. i will argue that until my end of days.

i watched tony stark on screen for ten years, and i watched him get progressively more scarred and fucked up. his parents. the ten rings. losing yinsen. obie. vanko and hammer. the palladium poisoning. new york; the nuke and the wormhole. the ptsd, the panic attacks. the iron legion and retirement attempt. killian and extremis and the end of that returement attempt. wanda’s vision. jarvis being destroyed. the accords and subsequent civil war. finding out about the winter soldier and his hand in his parents death. finding out that steve knew. siberia. struggling to balence iron man and the accords. losing peter. being stranded on titan, in space for weeks.

tony in that wheelchair, shaking and rail thin and unable to stand for more than a few moments will haunt me forever.

i watched him suffer for ten years - longer, even, in-universe - clawing for his quiet, happy ending while fighting for the happy ending he thought the rest of the world deserved, and instead of getting rewarded he just got beaten down and beaten down. after ten fucking hears of watching the backbone of the entire franchise get nothing but shit piled on him until he struggled to breathe for it, excuse me for thinking he woukd finally get the chance to crawl out from under it and be happy. no strungs attatched, no awful, sacrificial price to be payed, just for a man who had given so. fucking. much. to finally get something for once, and be allowed to keep it.

well i was wrong. and i feel so incredibly fucking stupid for even hoping otherwise.

and thats what i didnt like about avengers endgame.

#thanos might have snapped first but now its my turn #endgame spoilers #marvel #avengers #thor #bruce banner #tony stark #squeak.txt #rant #avengers 4 #captain marvel #iron man

[tumblunni]

Social anxiety C C C COMBO BREAKERRRRR

I had a real good day yo!!

I was in a really stupid emotional state at 4am this morning cos of a dumb nightmare about my abusive mum that i havent seen in 15 years. But at least because of it it prompted me to try and find the address of my childhood home again, and i successfully did and i had a huge nostalgia wave just looking at google street view. I dont know if i'll ever be brave enoughto actually visit there and walk down the same road again with my new and taller legs, but just knowing that its not impossible makes me feel a lot better.

But then srsly i was in real big panic attack shakes and i couldbt get back to sleep and i had a pounding headache and my eyes hurt and then when i finally passed out i kept waking up like half an hour later and having to go thru all the hell of getting asleep again. And then when i woke up at 5pm having wasted the whole day i realized my electricity was out and i needed to walk the 1.5km to the shop where i can pay the bills and AAAAGH giant headache and on the verge of tears and its the middle of a heatwave and my hair dye is all faded bad and so many damn excuses. And 'oh well itll take like 20 minutes to get ready and then what if i walk too slow and the shop is closed'. All the stupid reasons i use to excuse my social anxiety!

BUT IM REALLY PROUD THAT I STILL DID IT

I'm not just giving myself the 1.5 on my kilometres count, im definately getting two points for 'survived anxious social situation with style and grace'!

Cos seriousky cos of the heatwave i wouldnt be able to wear heavy baggy coat yo cover myself up, so i went out in a short sleeved shirt with my binder and i was really inpressed with how good i looked in the mirror. Yknow even tho my face was like sleep deprived mega anxious death hell! XD but yeahi managed to accomplish the Basic Things Of Daily Life despite being in my worst anxious state for ages, and i did it in sweltering weather and while unconfident in my ability to pass. I actually ended up having a swing in my step on the way back and enjoyed a completely un anxious walk for once! I just saw myself in the mirror in the supermarket bathroom and was like 'holy shit i look perfectly fine, what was i worried about?' And then i didnt completely fall apart due to the now new worry that if i was actually successfully passing then maybe i'd get kicked out for using the bathroom of my birth sex. It was a slow shopping day so nobody else came in there, it was fine. And i mean i'd still feel equally as anxious using the other bathroom, there arent any unisex toilets for nonbinary folk :(

But yeah i handled it really well!! Its such a small anxiety to other people tho and i still feel ashamed that i cant completely shed my peoplephobia all at once. But this was a really big step up that metaphorical staircase!

Oh and while i was there i actually felt confident enough to Actually Do Some Damn Shopping! I didnt just limit it to a basic run and gun, get in there, get the one thing and leave thing. I very often do that!! Sometimes it takes me two trips to the shops to get everything cos i got so anxious i just ran home after the first thing XD But today i actually wandered around the whole supermarket and checked if there was anything on sale or anything i forgot to put on my shopping list. Again, very basic thing that normal people do every day, but for me i usually get irrationally panicked so this was a disproportionately big accomplishment!

I BOUGHT A SHOES

I havent bought a new pair of shoes since like.. 4 years? 5 maybe? I cant recall if it was before i moved here or just after. I have a stupid habit of only owning one thing and only replacing it when its broken, because like.. Leftover instincts from being poorer. And its stupid cos im perfectly able to splurge on electronics or pokemon merchandise or whatever when i have spare money, yet when it comes to actual life necessities im like 'nah what a waste'. I guess its cos avoiding paying for them was a common experience during those homeless times, whereas splurging on self birthday gifts was not a thing i could ever do at all. Possibly this is the same reason i get easily suckered in by scratchcards and lootboxes, its easy to not notice how much i'm wasting when its not something i have a long experience with. Plus they kinda cheat by making each singular pull be cheap and then encouraging you to keep gambling fifty more times. But its only 2 bucks each time~fuckin hell im dumb to fall for that shit.

ANYWAY thats why ive been using the same shitty pair of trainers for like five years. Theyre really durable but theyre not exactly comfy or very good looking. Theyre like this neon green and yellow and black tron lines abomination that i DO KINDA LOVE but ive gotta admit that it doesnt fit with many outfits. I literally dont own a single other yellow anything.

So yeah i bought three pairs of shoes on sale for 15 pound in total HOLY SHIT thats a good dealio! I got some plimsolls/daps/im not actually sure what they call them in other countries sorry. Its like the fabric shoe but it has a good grip runner's sole to it? Always used to wear them in gym class at school, i liked them beter than trainers cos the sole wasnt as thick and inflexible. I mean im already clumsy without like 3cm more height on me! And then i got some sort of loafer thing thats similar but more The Comfort. And then i also got some super soft indoor slippers! So now i actyalky have shoes for differebt occasions!! Jogging walking and laying around being a couch potato! Not just wearing these big chunky trainers for all of that! I mean lol it used to be even worse, once my Only Shoes were actualky these huge mountain climbing boots XD i got them free from the homeless shelter and kept them for years after i left, even tho they were too tight and always cut up the back of my ankles. Ah, memories of past trauma! Why am i stirring up so many of these today!!

So anyway yeah thats my Very Boring Normal Day that for once i managed to handle like a normal human being. I'm proud!

Oh and i also got a glitter cowboy hat and i dont know why they were selling a glitter cowboy hat but it was the only sort of sun hat they had so i went with it. It kinda helps with dysphoria somehow?? Like i know people will criticize that part of my fashion first before they notice how ugly the rest of me is XD and its hard to be sad when you're thinking 'beep boop gender cowboy'

[realmzenith]

elaina ! :)

lays down, mai ily. anyways?? someone pls save elaina she Needs help

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?fairly long?? but not super long it’d make her anxious. maybe twenty minutes. it’d be a different story if it was a life or death thing tho obv

How easy is it for your character to laugh?difficult. from one to ten w one being v easily she’s like a 7. but for full uninhibited laughter it’s a solid 9. she mostly smiles and when she does laugh it’s at the dumbest things

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)she’ll lurk on instagram or think which are honestly both bad ideas for her bc instagram makes her depressed bc her social life sux and thinking makes her depressed bc she’s pessimistic and tends to overthink EVERYTHINg. however sometimes she’ll be smart abt it and read a book or look at plant pics or space which will more often than not successfully allow her to relax and get some shut eye

How easy is it to earn their trust?HM not too difficult prbly a 3 if ur nice to her and ur not a complete idiot- ok well. just if ur nice to her bc she literally falls in love w josie an idiot in her storyline

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?moderately difficult she has a hard time accepting that the ppl she trusts are capable of wronging her and usually assumes it was smth she did. she’s kind of an idiot like that so yk :) she’s prbly a 6 on that one? if we’re also accounting for the ppl she moderately trusts. however if we’re only talking abt the ppl she genuinely completely trusts it’s like an 8. she’s not COMPLETELy stupid but still p stupid abt relationships

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?rules should be followed. she accepts them as a given and that they will be followed as a given. it’ll srsly throw off her game if someone starts blatantly disobeying the law in front of her even if it is just a nominal thing

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?she’s not a v emotional person? she does feel deeply but hmm i suppose she is fairly nostalgic. certain melodies played on the guitar would prbly be one of the bigger triggers. her mom used to play and she and her dad would sing like dorks but they?? kind of dont do it anymore and she misses it but she isn’t sure how to ask to do it again. it’s the same w disney movies. they don’t watch them as a fam as much as they used to anymore but they still do on occasion! as for enjoying it she doesn’t rlly like nostalgia?? but she lets herself fall into it frequently

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?she was constantly told to talk to the other kids. she’s never been v social or good w ppl as she prefers her small group of ppl she knows and is comfortable w plus she’s an only child so she’s always been forced to socialize esp in casual settings

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?not super frequently. she does say damn bc that’s just the classic xstj swear word, her first she remembers v distinctly. it was “bitch” and completely her older cousin’s fault

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?she lowkey feels like her entire life is a lie? she’s a smart gal and gets good grades easily. she’s close to the top of her class and is considered one of the smart kids. but she herself is convinced she’s painfully mediocre and despite her other talents and unique personality traits she’s like :) im sorry for lying to u all i actually have zero interesting qualities and am a drag but ofc she never voices that bc lbr insecurity? ugly and she doesn’t want to lose the few friends she does have bc she dumped her fears on everyone else. she is, as i said, a Mess

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?she almost always pretends she understands but if she doesn’t feel like there’ll be negative consequences to asking for clarification and she’s feeling confident she’ll bluntly ask the other person to clear things up for her esp in a business type setting such as school projects, etc. it’s situational but socially speaking? she’ll pretend until she Dies

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?ask nico to get it or just struggle for ages to try to get it herself

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?she likes green and black but thinks she looks p drab in most things. in all actuality she prbly does look sharpest in black but yellow makes her look super cute, brings out a softer side of her. dark green is also flattering on her

What animal do they fear most?hm prbly eels esp electric eels. they freak her out for no particular reason. otherwise, she likes most animals and doesn’t mind most bugs

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?she does usually think before she speaks. on the extreme she’ll turn over a phrase abt ten times in her mind before even considering speaking it aloud but that’s rare and only in high stress situations. despite the fact that she does think before she speaks she’s very blunt abt most things. lay it out like it is and all. embellishing sentences or softening her statements is smth she rarely does as she finds it inefficient 

What makes their stomach turn?reckless behavior she HATES when ppl do stupid risky crap in front of her she finds it very unnecessary and anxiety inducing

Are they easily embarrassed?oh yes absolutely

What embarrasses them?everything. anything. her existence. ppl flirting w her. her parents. being teased. being incompetent. being singled out for anything. lots of things :)

What is their favorite number?she likes the number 60. no reason in particular it’s just a nice number. cue her friend, nico in the back yelling SIXTY???? MORE LIKE SEXY

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?oh oof dont talk to her about love it throws her for an existential crisis. hm but if srsly asked this she’d prbly say smth like “familial love is smth we’re rarely allowed to choose. platonic is more logical and circumstantial, and romantic is a combination of the two in the sense that it’s ur heart’s choice to begin and ur mind’s to continue.”

Why do they get up in the morning? society dictates that in order for an individual to contribute meaningfully to the world, you must get up by 7 am and do whatever lot’s been handed to you. thus she, as a good functioning member of society, gets up in the mornings and drives to school day in and day out as fate has dictated her duty to be

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? erratic. she’ll act strangely and become more distant. if it continues for long enough she’ll eventually snap at whoever’s nearest and asking what’s up w her

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? it makes her sad tbh sldkfjlkj she’s like welp.. this is the lot i’ve been given if i don’t accept it that’s my problem. then she keeps her head up and carries on

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? she prefers not to talk abt sex. she’d be v confused if someone brought up the topic of sex casually tho she isn’t SUPER squeamish abt discussing it it’s just?? unprofessional so why would u? ofc w her s/o she would be more than willing to discuss it in order to smooth out questions or misunderstandings before yk. actually. doing the sex

What are their thoughts on marriage? marriage to her is one of the pillars of society, and while she respects people who don’t want to get married, for herself she views it a checkbox on her list of things she needs to do before she dies. it’s?? like she sort of has a timeline and marriage is on the list of things that need to happen sometime in her twenties. she believes marriage should be a mutually beneficial union based on love and respect and believes that along w family units it’s a wonderful invention. however, despite all of this she kind of doubts she’ll ever get married bc she’s like who would date me lbr here :) and while simultaneously seeking after marriage she’s resigned herself to becoming an eventual crazy old cat lady

What is their preferred mode of transportation? she prefers bullet trains. efficient, usually comfortable, she doesn’t have to drive- what more could you want? she’s also fond of walking if a place is close by. helps her chill

What causes them to feel dread? the feeling that a relationship is falling apart and the divide between herself and the other person is growing. the little things like not waiting for the other person after class or “forgetting” to mention another thing about their day- the small things that point to a relationship breaking down. if there’s one thing she hates more than unnecessary conflict and having to just end things then and there it’s watching things slowly fall apart. that is extremely dread inducing in her opinion

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? if u asked her? she’d say she prefers the truth. in reality? she prefers the lie. she internalizes things and oftentimes “unpleasant truths” can weigh her down for ages. frequently enough to note, she’ll allow herself to continue in ignorance rather than accept the reality of the truth which she’ll sort of know she’s doing but just push to the back of her mind in order to avoid the panic that comes with actually confronting the problem. ignorance is bliss and all. nevertheless, in the long run and in hindsight, she prefers the truth as ripping off the bandaid proves easier than pulling out misplaced stitches one by one

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? she doesn’t come close. she has very lofty ideals to which she holds both herself and others around her. she wants to be someone who’s looked up to as strong. she values efficiency, honesty, reliability and genuinely good motives as well as charisma, passion and confidence. she’s doing alright with the first few but the last three are debatable. she’s passionate about v select things and her confidence levels looks like a heartrate monitor

Who do they most regret meeting? herself. she regrets gaining sentience

Who are they the most glad to have met? josie ;) but nico and ale are close seconds

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? nope what’s a Conversation? what’s a Joke? she doesnt know them :)

Could they be considered lazy? that’s a no. she works extremely hard and nearly always carries through. it’s partially her nature and partially a way for her to “make up” for her perceived lack of talents

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? extremely difficult but w time she eventually can esp when given the right type of support

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? that’s. a hard one. she IS technically supportive but that’s only when she recognizes how much the thing means to the other person and she’s honestly rlly bad at reading these kinds of situations, so it’s rare that she actually does. she’ll kinda be like wtf but if she doesn’t recognize the other person is genuinely excited and invested in the thing she’ll do her best to give her own brand of awkward support 

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?she’ll pursue a romantic interest if enough proof that it’s plausible is given but it’s rare that she gets enough “proof” for this to happen. generally speaking, she kind of pushes her desire for romance down. she’ll worry abt it later or at least until josie shows up eyes emoji

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? not rlly? she’ll just go thru things multiple times she’s not the most innovative person when it comes to things like this. route memorization is her go to 

What memory do they revisit the most often?;) depends on where in the storyline we’re talking but post story defo the time when she and josie went hiking w some of their other friends and when they reached the summit of the mountain the clouds were beneath the peak n completely coating the sky. it looked like a carpet of clouds, like another world and they shared a bit of a Moment. the little things are what elaina rlly cherishes

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?difficult she’s a bit of a critical person. she’s also not the most tactful when it comes to emotional intelligence related situations so ppl will likely find out she does see those flaws in them if they stick around long enough

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?not SO much but she does take things to heart. she’s sort of?? accepted her perceived mediocrity and general dullness but she’s in no way ceasing to attempt to change other things abt herself. so she’ll seemingly take criticisms in stride but they’ll stick w her when she’s Overthinking

How do they feel about children? kids are? good? she likes kids. as for having them, she’s considered it some and she thinks she might like to. at the same time, she also thinks she’d make a terrible parent- too harsh, bad w comfort, easily stressed. in all reality, she’d be better than most ppl as one esp after gaining a bit of confidence

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? rn the goal is graduating and she wants that fairly badly but she doesn’t particularly doubt her ability to achieve it. after that, it’s getting a good job which she also doesn’t overtly doubt as a certainty so yes she does want it but it’s not?? SUPEr concerning except when she begins to doubt her abilities and if she’ll ever feel like her life is fulfilling 

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so? she’s lesbian. she’d say it means she’s attracted to women 

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?baby. she’s gonna find loveB) What inspired you to create them?love, simon! i wanted to write a cute lesbian high school romance so thus josie and elaina were bornC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?nope!D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?nope again! she used to be full korean but now she’s half korean and half scandinavian! i think she used to be taller too she’s 5′5″ nowE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?there are some aspects of each other that would get on the other’s nerves. like i dont think she’d appreciate the wonky outbursts i sometimes have and i’d get annoyed by her lack of social tact/annoyance at the world even tho i lowkey share those traits but otherwise i think we’d get along p well! i think i’d find her cute and i think she’d like my perceived confidence. we share a similar rationality as wellF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?empathy she’s a big mood tbh and also i want her to be happy G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?her lack of emotional intelligence. while i like blunt and logic oriented ppl it’d get slightly frustrating after a while to be around someone who’s a lil oblivious to social/emotional cues even if that’s a moodH) What trait do you admire most?her humble diligence. i have to complain twice as much as her to get half the things she gets done doneI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?i think she’d ALSO do great in a sci fi universe. ha maybe i need to give these kids a sci fi au verseJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly no!

#defenestrata #SFsldkjflskfj GOSH she sounds so depressing in this #i swear she's actually not this depressing #usually #i mean she's just got low self esteem ?? #anyways i lov mai thanks for comign to my ted talk #elaina #triad #my ocs

[dearsadgoat]

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

#text post #dear sad goat

[youwerenevermiine]

My favourite kinds of books to read are the ones that do more than just tell you a story. They do more than just set the scene or paint the picture. The writing I love the most places you into that story, that room, that rain soaked kiss. You can smell the air, hear the sounds, and feel your heart race as the character’s does. It’s something F. Scott Fitzgerald did so well, to describe a scene so gorgeously interwoven with rich emotional revelations, that you yourself have escaped from your own life for a moment.

I’m highly biased, but I think that the way music can transport you back to a long forgotten memory is the closest sensation we have to traveling in time. To this day, when I hear "Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks, I instantly recall the feeling of being twelve years old, sitting in a little wood paneled room in my family home in Pennsylvania.

I’m clutching a guitar and learning to play the chords and sing the words at the same time, rehearsing for a gig at a coffee house. When I hear “I Write Sins Not Tragedies’” by Panic! At The Disco, I’m transported back to being sixteen and driving down the streets of Hendersonville, Tennessee, with my best friend Abigail, euphorically screaming the lyrics.

When I hear “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, “Breathe (2AM)” by Anna Nalick, or “The Story” by Brandi Carlile, I immediately flashback to being seventeen and on tour for months on end.

When I’d get a day at home in between long stretches on the road sharing a van with my band and crew, I would spend my rare nights off painting alone with candles lit in my room - just being alone with those songs (Those are all from the Grey’s Anatomy soundtrack. My commitment to that show truly knows no bounds).

I’m convinced that “You Learn” by Alanis Morissette, “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae and “Why” by Annie Lennox have actually healed my heart after bad breakups or let downs.

I love writing songs because I love preserving memories, like putting a picture frame around a feeling you once had. I like to use nostalgia as inspiration when I’m writing songs for the same reason I like to take photographs. I like to be able to remember the extremely good and extremely bad times.

I want to remember the colour of the sweater, the temperature of the air, the creak of the floorboards, the time on the clock when your heart was stolen or shattered or healed or claimed forever.

The fun challenge of writing a pop song is squeezing those evocative details into the catchiest melodic cadence you can possibly think of. I thrive on the challenge of sprinkling personal mementos and shreds of reality into a genre of music that is universally known for being, well, universal.

You’d think that as pop writers, we’re supposed to be writing songs that everyone can sing along to, so you’d assume they would have to be pretty lyrically generic... AND YET the ones I think cut through the most are actually the most detailed, and I don’t mean in a Shakespearean sonnet type of way, although I love Shakespeare as much as the next girl. Obviously. (See “Love Story,” 2009).

In modern pop, songs/bops/chunes including extremely personal details like “Kiki, do you love me” and “Baby pull me closer in the backseat of your rover” have been breaking through on the most global cultural level. This year on tour, I got to hear stadium crowds passionately sing along to a young woman from Cuba singing about “Havana”.

I think these days, people are reaching out for connection and comfort in the music they listen to. We like being confided in and hearing someone say, ‘this is what I went through” as proof to us that we can get through our own struggles.

We actually do NOT want our pop music to be generic. I think a lot of music lovers want some biographical glimpse into the world of our narrator, a hole in the emotional walls people put up around themselves to survive.

This glimpse into the artist’s story invites us to connect it to our own, and in the best case scenario, allows us the ability to assign that song to our memories.

It’s this alliance between a song and our memories of the times it helped us heal, or made us cry, dance, or escape that truly stands the test of time. Just like a great book.

#2019 Elle UK #taylor #text