#i do not have synesthesia relating to either sound or taste in fact so this was odd | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lux-i-fer · 4 years

Note

Kind of the same principle as that wing and power ask but if the characters of Lucifer had synesthesia what do you think it would look like for each character?

Okay so the reason this ask took so long is that I don’t know a lot about synesthesia!! I know the basics but I didn’t realize there were so many kinds and how intricate the process was! I have to admit some of these aren’t as creative as the wing ask and I stuck mainly with pre-established forms of synesthesia (but not always!) just due to the sheer complexity of the condition.

Lucifer:

Chromesthesia- Also known as sound-to-color synesthesia. I felt like this was an obvious choice for Lucifer. He’s obviously very musically inclined, but I’ve always felt there’s more to it than simple enjoyment. Music is an art form and I can see Lucifer taking that to the next level. He plays a wide range of music and I see him using it to achieve a similar creative mindset that he had when he created the stars. I think he would see a C natural as a golden tone and a D flat as a discordant gray mess. Music is an emotional outlet for Lucifer and if he also visualized music as colors I could see how it would be an even greater catharsis for him.

Chloe:

Personalities -> Colors- Also known as the “aura” type. While you may have thought I would have chose this for Ella I think it actually suits Chloe better. Think about it: Chloe’s work deals a lot with determining people’s morality and understanding their personalities. We know that Chloe is good at what she does and that she seems to understand her suspects well. She’s also made some offhand comments like “I can see that you’re good” (not an exact quote btw) or something like that in the past. It would make sense that Chloe has the ability to see “auras.” Chloe herself has said she always trusts her gut. If her gut tells her that Lucifer is a soft, calming purple it’s no wander she trusted him by 1x04. It would also explain why she was so weary of Malcolm--whom I can see emitting a rotten, reddish brown aura.

Dan:

Grapheme-Color Synesthesia- Also known as seeing numbers/letters as colors. I chose this for Dan because of its technical yet uniquely creative tone. Dan himself is, on the surface, a pretty bland straightforward character. He is an every-man. He’s literally just a normal guy. However, the more we learn about him the more we realize just how odd he truly is. Not only has he shown an inclination to the supernatural (Azrael’s blade) he also seems to attract the supernatural as well (Mom, Lucifer, Amenadiel, possibly Chloe). I feel as though Grapheme-Color Synesthesia functions similarly. It takes something very mundane on the surface and turns them into something whimsical. He’s known to be organized, I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he sees the letter ‘v’ in a strong, verdant green or that the number 6 always seems to be orange.

Ella:

Mirror-Touch Synesthesia- Also known as emotion-to-touch synesthesia. This one is fairly straight forward. When someone with this condition observes another person, say, touch a hot pan they also feel the burning sensation. This also happens if another person touches their nose. A mirror-touch synesthesist would also feel like they are touching their own nose. It’s like some twisted version of phantom limb syndrome. I chose this for Ella because I thought it related strongly with her pre-existing emphatic nature. The way she made that memorial for the roadkill squirrel in season 3 because she related to it, really suggests that Ella feels deeply about pretty much everything.

Linda:

Vision -> Touch- Linda is a medical professional and on a day to day basis she deals with a lot of people. I thought this was a good fit for her because I could see it help her categorize her patients. For example, Lucifer comes across similar to the texture of ruffled feathers--soft but deceivingly powerful. Being able to categorize patients by how they ‘feel.’ Some may feel like those filly edges on a spiral bound notebook sheet and others might appear like a block of marble. Either way, I can see this tactile representation of a person really helping Linda get through to her patients..

Maze:

Emotion -> Taste- I don’t think anyone would be surprised to hear me say that Maze as a lot of emotions. Throughout the show we see Maze disarm several of her opponents using her tongue or her lips. I like to this is because she can taste their emotions, almost like how a snake smells with their tongue. I imagine conflict or tension must taste the sweetest, like honey or syrup, considering how much Maze loves combat and discord. This, in turn, would explain her aversion to emotions like love or romantic affection. If conflict tastes the best, would love not be a bitter pill?

Trixie:

Ordinal Linguistic Personification- Also known as the personification of letters, numbers, or words. Trixie is a bright and creative child. It’s already established that she has a grand imagination and is willing to lean into the more fantastical side of life. I think her linguistic personification would just be an extension of said imagination. She could make up elaborate stories about what the mysterious letter Q and the timid S get up to in their spare time. She could spin tales of the maniacal 11 and his quest to get out of the shadow of that goody-two-shoes 10. Just think of what stories she could weave. I think she’d enjoy the activity.

Amenadiel:

Spatial Sequence Synesthesia- Also known as when letters, numbers, months, and dates all occupy points in space. I think being able to visualize time in such a way to where it becomes a physical object for you to manipulate would be very beneficial for Amenadiel and his ability to slow time. I wonder if this is ultimately what keeps him on top of things while he freezes time, because if you’re not careful you could freeze/unfreeze time in a way that fundamentally alters the timeline. I think visualizing increments of time would help keep everything running smoothly.

#ask #anon #lucifer on netflix

6 notes · View notes

johannesviii · 4 years

Text

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2007

18 to 19 years old. Things were slowly starting to get better and better.

15 honorable mentions, but this is still only a top 10. What an incredible, amazing year for music. My favorite hit song for the entire decade is in there! I think everyone already knows what that is because I am, in fact, extremely predictable.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

Second to third year of my History studies. Met a great guy. So great, in fact, that I married him in 2019 because we’re still living together 13 years later. Got my first summer job but spent my first pay on driving lessons, because, again, I needed to get out of my parents’ appartment and knowing how to drive would be good to find a job. I had a much better access to internet. I still had great grades. Things were getting much better.

I stopped making my personal lists of favorite songs that year, and I had an mp3 player, which really opened a world of possibilities even if you could only put something like 40 songs on it, at best.

I was still reading Rock Mag a lot. As you can see, the biggest controversy at the time was what was emo and what wasn’t.

We were alright.

As far as non-elligible songs go, well there’s I Still Remember by Bloc Party (and the fact I can’t put it on the list is a heartbreak and a half) and basically everything from Year Zero by Nine Inch Nails. Nightwish, Epica and Within Temptation all had pretty good albums too.

Here’s a metric ton of honorable mentions first!

Snow (Red Hot Chili Peppers) - Perfectly pleasant song.

D.A.N.C.E (Justice) - Never understood why this was so popular. Still good.

Love is Gone (David Guetta) - Heyyyy another repetitive dance track, perfect.

Miracle (Cascada), Smack That (Akon), Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol), SexyBack (Justin Timberlake) and Say It Right (Nelly Furtado & Timbaland) - Still elligible songs for that year. Still great songs. Still not making the list.

Butterfly (Superbus) - I didn’t like this band, but I liked that song.

Thanks for the Memories (Fall Out Boy) - Same here basically.

Who Knew (Pink) - Not her best, but not her worst by a mile either.

Walk It Out (Unk) - Stayed in my head for days, I swear. I have no idea what the general opinion about it is nowadays. Maybe that’s a humiliating pick and I genuinely have no idea.

Crank That (Soulja Boy) - I do, however, know that the fact this very nearly made the list IS hilarious.

Alive (Mondotek) - Laugh all you want about the tektonik phenomenon, this is still a banger and a half.

Sound of Freedom (Bob Sinclar & Cutee B) - Not as good as Rock This Party. That’s the only thing I can say against it.

Umbrella (Rihanna) - This is an edit because holy shit I forgot Umbrella. It very nearly made the list too. Sorry.

And now, possibly one of the best top tens yet.

10 - This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race (Fall Out Boy)

US: #32 / FR: #71

Almost everyone got the lyrics wrong. The title is way too long. I really don’t like this band of pretentious idiots; if you’re gonna be pretentious at least write about something more grand and epic than your own navel, and go all out (more on that later). Nobody ever really cared about their supposed feud with Panic! At The Disco. And, to make matters even worse, the singer looked exactly like the terrible ex I had punched in the face the previous year.

This is still a damn good song and it’s on the list instead of any of the honorable mentions.

RIP me.

9 - How To Save A Life (The Fray)

US: #24 / FR: Not on the list

You already know I loved The Fray. This song could have apparently also made the previous list but it’s on this one instead. It was overplayed. I still loved it.

8 - U + Ur Hand (Pink)

US: #29 / FR: Not on the list

In 2002, I bought Pink’s Missundaztood album and as you might remember this was the second album I ever bought in my life, right before the gigantic trainwreck that highschool was.

The fact that about five years (that felt like twelve) later, Pink was on the other side of that trainwreck, back in my earphones, just as energetic and fun as she was before, was nothing short of heartwarming.

7 - Je Suis Un Homme (Zazie)

US: Not on the list / FR: #43

I’m not gonna beat around the bush. This song is terrifying.

Here’s a translation. Yeah, it’s about humanity destroying the Earth and itself in various ways, and it’s preachy, but holy shit, how can something be so bleak, so scary and still so catchy. It’s a mystery.

6 - Double Je (Christophe Willem)

US: Not on the list / FR: #2

When I first heard this song, I genuinely thought that was also Zazie and I was like oh wow, she’s learned to have fun again after that bleak, bleak song.

But no. She only wrote it, and it’s sung by this guy. It’s relatable as hell (”When I grow up it’s gonna be easy, I’ll finally know what I am”, “Who’s fault is it? / I’m something and its opposite / Double me”). The fact that a guy had this kind of voice and that a ton of people loved it (enough for him to win a big talent show and make this the second biggest song of the year!) also did wonders for my dysphoria, by the way.

5 - Ta Meuf (Faf Larage)

US: Not on the list / FR: #19

This is a song applying the most obnoxious rap and hip hop clichés about gangsters (and guys in general) to a woman, and she ends up terrorising all the guys and they’re realising these clichés might, in fact, be really toxic.

It’s a great song about gender roles usually seen in this kind of music and instead of being preachy, it’s hilarious, and well-written (I mean, it’s Faf Larage, it’s a given, but still). Check it out.

4 - Relax Take It Easy (Mika)

US: Not on the list / FR: #12

All hail the new king of pop. He was here to stay and what a breath of fresh air he was. This was very much his year in Europe as soon as the album Life In Cartoon Motion dropped.

My significant other absolutely loved this album and we listened to it wayyyy, way too much, and even with all the radio overplay AND the overplay when we were together, I still can’t get enough of this album.

3 - Love Today (Mika)

US: Not on the list / FR: #39

Here he is again!

If this was any other year this would top the list very easily. What were the US even thinking back then to not let this guy chart. Why isn’t Mika a huge star over there too. What is your problem guys. Do you have something against fun or what.

Anyway, here’s possibly the best comment on the music video:

I mean. You’re not wrong.

2 - What I’ve Done (Linkin Park)

US: #38 / FR: Not on the list

Aaaaaaand they’re back. And they’re once again topping my list. Lord have mercy on me. I loved them so much.

This was the first step into their modern sound, less raw, more U2. A couple of years later, when Lacuna Coil released Shallow Life, I used to joke that Lacuna Coil was trying to sound more and more like Linkin Park, that Linkin Park was trying to sound more and more like U2, and that U2 was trying to sound more and more like boring garbage and. I mean. I wasn’t wrong there.

My absolute favorite part of the song is at 2:24, when the music calms down a bit and the lyrics go “I start again / And whatever pain may come / Today this ends / I’m forgiving what I’ve done” and then the guitar explodes again. So powerful. Love it.

And now you’re probably thinking “so... Linkin Park was back, and with such a top quality song and it’s NOT your #1? After you put a Linkin Park song or a Linkin Park remix at #1 for three years in a row in 2002, 2003 AND 2004? What’s going on, Jo? Are you okay?”

Oh I’m more than okay. Friends and enemies, here comes the absolute best hit song of the entire decade and possibly of my entire life so far.

You probably already know what it is.

1 - Welcome to the Black Parade (My Chemical Romance)

US: #59 / FR: Not on the list (shame on you French charts)

I know I keep complaining about stuff I love not charting, or charting but not high enough to make any year-end list, but... How was this even allowed to chart. Why and how did it end up on the US year-end list when so many more radio-friendly hits I loved couldn’t even scratch the hot 100.

I’m not complaining at all. I’m just baffled.

Play the first note on a piano and I’m already a wreck. Heck, I’m pretty sure everyone from my generation is. It was basically our very own Bohemian Rhapsody. It still is. Where do I even start.

Oh. I know. Look at this page from a 2006 Rock Mag, it’s gold.

Yep, they highlighted The Open Door by Evanescence and praised it, and were like “this is very risky and ambitious and we’re not sure you’re gonna like this” for The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. Hilarious in hindsight.

A few months later, the same magazine was desesperately using double pages to interview them because everyone adored the album.

So in case you’ve never listened to it (I’m... not even sure why I’m doing this since I’m pretty sure even people who don’t like this type of music have tried to out of sheer curiosity), it’s a concept album about a guy (...possibly. I mean there’s a lot of trans and/or nonbinary hints in the lyrics and did you really NEED to make all of this more relatable? What the hell guys) dying of cancer, remembering all the good and the bad things that happened in his life, and since his fondest memory is seeing a marching band once as a child, death arrives in the form of a marching band. He then settles some scores with his friends and family, says his goodbyes, and... and doesn’t die in the end. He ends up surviving the whole ordeal, and the last song, Famous Last Words, is one the most incredible things I’ve ever heard. It’s so propulsive, uplifting and motivating. “I am not afraid to keep on living / I am not afraid to walk this world alone”. Holy. Shit. Sadly, it’s not elligible.

Welcome to the Black Parade is basically the centerpiece of the album, as you already know or might have guessed, but here’s the thing. It also works out of context because there’s already an entire narrative arc within this one song. It’s larger than life. It’s about death and the meaning of existence. It basically contains all the stages of grief, and the conclusion it reaches is that this guy will be remembered and therefore, he will transcend death. It’s full of rage and passion and triumph. There’s key changes. There’s tempo changes. There’s everything. It’s a rock opera in a single song. I put it on my mp3 player immediately after listening to the album, and it’s still on my mp3 player today. I never, ever removed it. I listened to it countless times and every single time, it feels like rewatching one of my favorite movies.

Best hit song of 2007 by a mile. Best hit song of the decade, hands down, and now that the 2010s are over, I’m pretty confident in saying nothing has topped it so far. I’d say “fight me” if I thought this was a controversial opinion, but it’s not even that controversial.

And that feels damn right.

Next up: Is... is this a list with actual filler? Are you telling us there was ONE mediocre year for music in the 2000s? Sounds fake but okay

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #flashing lights #eye contact tw

10 notes · View notes

illuminating-the-darkness · 5 years

Text

Psychic Powers:

The human mind is capable of incredible feats and in some cases these fears transcend the normality and hint at the evolutionary potential of humanity to grow into psychic beings, psychic powers are commonly experienced though often shrugged off rather than fine tuned as it can be hard to relate how the power was awoken or worked and harder still to prove that any psychic power had taken place despite that it is quite common for people to sense each others moods, get a sense of anothers thoughts or correctly predict an outcome or event much of this is all too often attributed to lucky guesses or coincidence and so this post will serve to explore the types of reported psychic powers, their cause and the means of developing them.

Apportation:

Apportation (also known as teleportation) is the ability to send physical objects from one point in space time to another while I find this ability to be largely improbable I can only suggest that this is achieved by the generation and manipulation of vortex wormholes to bend time-space around an object to move it from one point in space time to another with the apperance that it suddenly disappeared and reappeared, this is possible in nature and observed in space and in quantum mechanics and I suppose it is possible to generate enough energy to create and control such a rift in space-time however I personally feel this ability is currently beyond the capabilities of human beings and would require a significant evolution in our psychic capabilities to utilise.

Astral Projection:

As previously covered Astral Projection is the art form of bringing ones conscious energy into the astral realm via a variety of techniques this can also be applied to the effect of out of body experiences which enable the practisioner to walk around the physical world as an ethereal invisible force, this is often triggered accidentally via dreaming, near death experiences and also can be an effect of hallucinations. Most out of body experiences begin with the sudden realisation that the experiencer is floating above their own unconscious body, an out of body experience is triggered in a similar way to astral projection meditation however instead the practisioner visualises their astral self rising or stepping out of their physical body until the sensation is achieved, another reportedly successful method involves visualising your own heart beat until an out of body experience occurs.

Auric Sight:

As previously discussed this is the ability to view and discern information from the auric light generated by objects, people and other living creatures which can be achieved by consciously focusing on trying to see the aura until it is easily seen.

Automatic Writting/Drawing:

This is a process of the subconscious mind often linked to trance states and spiritual posession of an individual who then proceeds to write or draw something without consciously meaning to of their own volition. The process can be achieved via the invocation of spirits, through drug induced states or via hypnosis where a person in either state can be given paper and a pen and observed to create strange writting or images.

Biokinesis:

Biokinesis is a process of making the Morphogenetic field conscious in order to enact changes to the bodies internal and external chemical balances, morphology and genetic mutations this is because the body regulates these processes through the mind and they can therefore be made conscious through actively focusing on them and attempting to manipulate them which in turn can be dangerous but can also lead to self healing and evolutionary changes in morphology, it is interesting to note that hallucinogenic substances can be of use in making this process conscious as for example Sir Francis Crick discovered that DNA is double helix shaped after an LSD hallucination caused his mind to unlock a visual representation of the genetic encoding suggesting that he had begun to access the ability to make his brain regulate his DNA but had not fully understood the potential in terms of psychic power.

Chronokinesis:

Chronokinesis is the effect of experiencing a manipulation or distortion of the natural flow of time it can also be related to the experience of lost time wherein a person is unable to recount their own experiences between one moment and the next across a substantial change in the time of day. We often experience the slowing of our personal perception of time when we are very bored, waiting, anxious, stressed or during experiences of adrenaline or more rarely via synchronistic effects experienced between soul mates likewise we often experience a speeding up of our own perception of time when we are enjoying ourselves. Theoretically the effects of chronokinesis could be enhanced to the point of controling the flow of time itself or the perception of time that others experience, the only way to develop this sense is by improving our awareness of time and through focus on the specific triggers that cause distortion in the percieved ordinary flow of time in order to grasp a greater control over these powers it is often of some benefit in this endeavour to be able to disassociate at will.

Clairaudience:

Clairaudience is the ability to acquire information psychically via audio sensations such as being able to hear sounds or voices which give a sensation or clear message to the experiencer these types of powers are often overwhelning and intrusive and considered to be undesirable effects commonly ascribed to mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. Clairaudience is a common effect of psychoactive substances and can be harnessed by attempting communication with any audiotory hallucinations that are experienced however we must make the distinction that this only a useful psychic power if it generates accurate results and does not cause the experiencer too much stress as we do not wish to strengthen the delusions of the mentally ill who may be hearing harmful voices or maddening nonsense.

Claircognizance:

Claircognizance is the psychic ability to gain information from just knowing, from sensing the truth of a matter through intuition often this is an effect of DMT release in the pineal gland which gives this sensation, claircognizance can therefore be developed by actively working to increase the potency of the pineal gland/third eye by attempting to utilise and strengthen our own intuition until this sensation is more common to us however we must be aware that we are capable of deluding ourselves into believing we are always right, we must put into practice the knowledge we achieve through claircognizance to test its validity.

Clairgustance:

Clairgustance is the ability to taste without physical contact this is often related to the sense of smell as tastes can pass through the nasal passage into the mouth however in instances where smell is not the cause of the sensation this is often due to the minds ability to simulate specific tastes based on previous experiences and can be easily developed by focusing on specific foods and objects with the conscious intention of percieving their taste this power can also however relate to the sudden sensation of a taste when entering a room, meeting a person or via other triggered stimulation and may be related to synesthesia.

Clairolfactance:

Clairolfactance is the ability to pick up information from smells, it is an ability greately improved in many animals such as dogs and like Clairgustance may be related to synesthesia. Clairolfactance can be improved by attempting to recognise how different smells give off certain information and is linked to our ability to improve our memory via our sense of smell however true Clairolfactance is a gift of being able to retrieve specific information about a person, object or event from the sense of smell in a way that transcends our usual sensory input which is to say that for example it is the difference between knowing someone hasnt bathed recently and knowing someone hasnt bathed for specifically five days or in more extreme terms for example that a persons mother collected pinecones from the smell of lavender in their hair as opposed to knowing a person uses lavnder scented shampoo due to the smell of lavender in their hair.

Clairsentience:

Clairsentience is an advanced for of empathic sensation it is the ability to sense the emotional or mental state of a person and to easily put ourselves into another persons shoes without distorting the facts and to thus gain hidden insights into them personally, we can improve Clairsentience by consciously trying to be more aware of the feelings of others and what sense or vibe individuals give off, certain psychoactive substances can greately improve empathy such as hallucinogenics and MDMA, certain star signs of the water element (most notably Pisces) are naturally gifted with the uncanny ability to accurately utilise their empathy to near psychic levels.

Clairvoyance:

Clairvoyance is the psychic ability to percieve information from an extra sensory perception that is to say a Clairvoyant person could enter a room and immediately know hidden facts about the room, its contents, events that happened there and or get a sense of people and animals and their interactions within the room. Clairvoyance is a rare psychic gift related to powerful intuition and likely relates to seeing through the pineal gland/third eye, Clairvoyants are sometimes enlisted by police to help in investigations where all other options have been exhausted sometimes with positive outcomes. Clairvoyance can be developed by focusing intuition and paying more attention to our intuition until it becomes powerful enough to sense hidden factors automatically.

Dowsing:

Dowsing is the ability to sense water sometimes via the use of dowsing rods, dowsing is possible since there is an electromagnetic charge to water which can be percieved physically by the effect of static electricity in attracting or repelling water thus our own bodily biomagnetic energy field/morphic field can be utilised to sense, attract and/or repel water. To enhance our ability to dowse we can begin by trying to get a sense of how our bodily sensations change subtly in the presence of water and can improve this by attempting to dowse with dowsing rods, by experimenting without our own ability to generate static electricity to direct the flow of water and by attempting to determine which of a set of identical vessels contains water while blindfolded meerly by touching the lid.

Electrokinesis:

Electrokinesis is the ability to control and direct the flow of electrical energy with psychic power, people who have this ability inately often attract electricity such as people who are struck by lightning an abnormal amount of times. The ability to control the magnetic attraction and repulsion of our own bioelectromagnetic field enables us to experience telepathic magnetism and to control energy by attracting and repeling it until it takes the route desired. The ability to utilise our bodily bioelectromagnetic field enables us to give off static or electrical shocks and can be used to cause spontanious fire or harm and even death if weaponised. It is likely that this ability is tied to conscious attempts to control the morphic field via brain power and irregular cardial rhythms which could be used to generate stronger more focused bioelectromagnetic discharges, for a maltitude of obvious reasons involving the posibility or harm to oneself or others the greatest of respect and care must be taken when attempting to generate Electrokinesis.

Intuition:

Intuition is the psychic power of being able to interpret the truth of an event, matter, situation or other such stimulation via a sensation that tells us the outcome, intuition can often be misleading or rather misinterpreted and it is only through focusing on our own intuitive abilities and trying to consciously develop them that they are honed into being useful psychic skills, intuition can often be improved by playing psychic guessing games such as trying to correctly determine which playing card another person is holding via the sensation that the card gives us, although we can also actively work on our intuition by being constantly mindful of it and becoming more skilled in discerning its meaning through the emotional and mental senses it gives us in our daily lives. Often intuition is percieved as a sense, gut feeling or as a clear calm voice in our mind which offers guidance.

Levitation:

Levitation is the psychic ability to cause oneself or other objects to defy gravity and float in mid-air although this might at first seem absurd it becomes plausible when it is realised that a big part of the gravity locking us to the physical ground below is electromagnetic thus if we are able to change the polarity of our own bioelectromagnetic field or the electromagnetic field of objects we may be able to generate the effect of magnetic repulsion causing the effected energy field to move away from the physical ground below and float in mid-air to do so would likely be effected by a conscious understanding of our own morphic field and the rhythms of our cardial energy centre and would be easiest to achieve in places where the Earths gravity is at its weakest such as along the equator.

Memory Altering:

Memory Altering is the ability to utilise hypnotic suggestion or astral projection to attack, change, distort or wipe the memory of another living being this could also be enacted by a controlled focus of the morphic fields bioelectromagnetism to attacking specific areas of the brain, naturally this ability is very dangerous and could result in brain damage or death, these types of mental domination can also be utilised towards the goal of mind control which can seek to utilise ones own psychic will or energetic field to direct and control the thoughts or actions of another living being.

Mind Reading:

Mind Reading is the ability to sense the thoughts of another person, mind reading can be an inate ability and can be related to audio or visual hallucinations. Mind reading can be improved by Auric Sight focused around the head and by improving both empathic and intuitive psychic abilities, mind reading is also easier between people who know each other well and have a close psychic bond.

Precognition:

Precognition is the ability to percieve future events usually through visions of the event taking place before it happens, precognition is a powerful form of intuition that likely relies on visual hallucinations produced by DMT release from the pineal gland/third eye therefore we can improve our precognitive abilities by working on our intuition and abilities relating to the pineal gland such as astral projection and dream working. Since the pineal gland takes in light and is stimulated by darkness we can also help to produce visions by improving the DMT production of our pineal gland via sun gazing and meditation or otherwise artificially through DMT containing hallucinogenic substances, the most powerful of which in relation to visions is Ayahuasca. Precognition may also be improved by attempting to focus astral travel attempts into the future by astral projecting with a focus on future events in mind.

Psionic Healing:

Psionic Healing is the ability to utilise our own Morphogenetic and Morphic fields and to control the direction of light energy encoded information around the nervous system by our own conscious thought to result in miraculous regeneration of health and vitality it can also refer to utilising these techniques towards helping others to heal their wounds by directing our own positive energies around their body, I often utilise the visualisation of golden light to direct my body to heal specific areas that I visualise the light eminating from, positivity in thought and intention seems to play a key role in this process and likely relates to the way that liquids in the body respond to light based information.

Psionic Surgery:

Psionic Surgery is the supposed ability of a psychic individual to be able to create wounds on living tissue which can be used for harm but can also be used to perform medical surgical procedures without tools, while I suppose it might be possible to utilise energy to divide living tissue I am somewhat skeptical about the applications of this for accurate surgical or medicinal benefit however I can see how this process may relate to the utilisation of energy in the hands towards a healing effect such as is practiced by masters of Reiki.

Psychic Possession:

Psychic Possession is a form of psionic mind control which utilises astral projection to parasitically fix ones own will onto another living being by attempting to hijack their physical body by entering it through astral projection and dominating their will, this is likely to be much more effective when utilised against unconscious persons.

Psychometry:

Psychometry is the ability to gain clear information about a person or object through the sensation of touch, which is to say a person capable of psychometry can touch an item and gain distinct true imprints of how that item was used, its history or about persons connected to that item they may also get similar sensations from touching living beings, psychometry is a form of intuition triggered by touch and can be improved by focusing our intuition around the sensation of touch until it becomes a clear and accurately working power.

Pyrokinesis:

Pyrokinesis is the ability to control or cause fire with the mind, pyrokinesis likely relates to electrokinesis which can utilise the bodies own bioelectromagnetism to cause or control/attract and repel fire. Fire can be caused by electrical discharge or via the heating of particles in the air via our morphic field, since fire contains electromagnetic particles it is not unreasonable to suggest that it could be controlled via an extra-sensory means. It is also possible that cases of sudden human combustion and immolation are related to pyrokinetic abilities that were out of control or suddenly triggered accidentally.

Remote Viewing:

Remote Viewing is a technique that involves astral projection or out of body experiences to travel to and view an area, situation or person remotely. Remote Viewing is used to eavesdrop psychically on conversations and events and was famously utilised by the CIA to some effect in their Stargate projects. Remote Viewing can be improved and practiced by utilising astral projection and out of body experiences to try and view the contents of sealed containers since once the container is opened the remote viewer will know if they have made a successful attempt.

Retrocognition:

Retrocognition is the ability to percieve past events with accurate clarity it may be related to the visual powers of the DMT producing pineal gland/third eye or otherwise may be related to spiritual memory recovered from past life experiences, it is likely that attempting astral travel into the past by astral projection with past events in mind is the most effective method of attempting to improve retrocognition.

Telekinesis:

Telekinesis is the ability to move physical objects by mental will. Telekinesis is most often reported to occur in young women entering puberty and is often out of control and associated with poltergeist activity or demonic possession. Telekinesis is likely achieved by extending the bioelectromagnetic morphic field to interact with the electromagnetic field of objects and utilising an exchange of energy to initiate momentum and thus telekinesis is actually a focused use of electrokinesis towards the movement of physical objects from a distance.

Telepathy:

Telepathy is the ability to communicate in thoughts with another person and is related to mind reading it can therefore be improved by auric sight utilised around the head area and by the direction of thought and intentions towards the intended recipient, telepathy is stronger and more easily achieved between individuals who know eachother well and where strong psychic physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bonds have been formed between individuals and is very common among biological twins to varying extents. Telepathy can also be used to project images into the minds of others and could be used to generate hallucinatory illusions. In the modern age BCI (brain-computer interfaces) have already made artificial telepathy possible through technology.

Telepresence:

Telepresence is the ability to be paradoxically in two places at one time. Excluding possibilities involving time travel and metaphysical situations where the same energy inhabits different bodies, telepresence might be achievable via out of body experiences if the practisioner is able to maintain enough focus to remain in control of their own physical body and simultaneously generate enough will to physically or visually manifest their astral body in another physical location splitting their mentality across both forms.

Thoughtography:

Thoughtography is the ability to project images from the minds eye/pineal gland onto photographic paper or film. Since photographic paper and film can be imprinted with images from light projection this power is almost certainly utilised by the outward expulsion of light focused through the visual pineal gland into a specific image or pattern imprinted onto the film or paper and can likely be improved by astral projection techniques and techniques which improve our control over the third eye/pineal gland.

4 notes · View notes

jinjojess · 7 years

Note

Can you say what you think of each Exile Election character and the impression they left on you?

Sure, that sounds like fun.

Cut for length.

Ichijou Kaname

Kaname’s alright. I don’t love him but I don’t hate him either. His design is kinda dumb with the white hair, but I also kind of like that it’s just a touch of flair in an otherwise sort of normal uniform attire. The headphones are cool too and I really like that they actually have a story purpose and aren’t just decoration.

Personality-wise, so far Kaname’s very white-bread VN protag material, though the being able to see lies as a result of his synesthesia is kind of interesting. I hate how he talks most of the time because it’s so stereotypically anime douche-style, but I do like that he doesn’t spend all of his internal monologue thinking about how he needs to protect Ichika or anything. Plus if he’s filled with murderous revenge rage, that’s always a plus for me.

He’s flawed, is what I’m saying, which is really nice.

Houshi Ichika

I just cannot even with this design. What the fuck. Like I mentioned in my LP, she ticks so many boxes on the trope-o-meter that she just about breaks it: childhood friend/probable love interest; stupid pun name; love of sweet food (strawberries in this case, also relating back to dumb pun name); dog collar; chain; dog collar; thigh belt; ribbon; DOG COLLAR; school uniform no school would ever assign; etc.

However, despite her constant “I’ll do whatever you say, Kaname” thing, she actually seems semi-reasonable? I did like the part where she physically held Kaname’s face in place so he couldn’t see Misa get eaten because it could either mean that she’s a good friend concerned about his emotional state, or she knows that something else is going on here and wants to keep his attention focused elsewhere.

Fingers crossed for crazy mastermind-type but not of the yandere variety.

Ichijou Misa

Misa’s okay. She’s a stereotypical anime kid sister. Served her role in the story so far just fine I guess. May or may not be Noori. Makes me appreciate how dynamic Komaru is in comparison.

My only thing with her is that the game’s website claims she’s 13, but she doesn’t act 13, she acts like she’s 6. This is a common problem a lot of fiction has when people are not used to being around actual kids and pre-teens–this is what made later seasons of Buffy after Dawn was introduced so obnoxious.

Official site also calls her a moodmaker which in VN lingo is never a good sign.

Noori

Totally Not Misa You Guys. Man I really hope they subvert that…

What’s kind of interesting about Noori is that the game is treating her amnesia as the serious condition it would be in real life. Like there are drawbacks and side effects to it like not knowing how to speak or process what’s going on around her. Makes the situation less tropey and moe and more realistic and sad, so I appreciate that.

Since Alice already lampshaded the Imouto Route thing, I’m hoping we get to avoid that as well and instead Noori will be like…the personification of Kaname’s pathological desire to protect his sister and infantilize her rather than recognize that she was an individual.

(My hopes are not super high about that though.)

Himeno Miori

Textbook shy girl with glasses trope so far. It is a little interesting how her brother and Michimune sort of try to override her opinions all the time and we get to see her fighting back for once in the first(?) election in the flashback. She seems poised to get a character arc revolving around breaking free of her trio and being her own person.

Since Miori is only two years older than Misa and yet is recognized as acting more as a real person and not as a toddler, maybe the game could be setting up a clever parallel between how Michimune and Yuuri try to babify Miori and how Kaname never wanted to admit that his sister was growing up?

Hush, let me construct a more layered and nuanced story for myself to enjoy okay?

Himeno Yuuri

Shouta character extraordinaire. Yuuri hasn’t really done much so far so I don’t have much of an opinion on him yet. I do think it’s weird that Kaname recognizes him as a boy in the dark square just after a massacre but then gets confused in the relatively calm setting of the observatory under actual lighting.

Again, only one year older than Misa, yet acts completely different. Does ascending to chuuni suddenly make people rapidly mature mentally in this universe?

Also, is he wearing garters under his knees to hold up his socks? Watch yourself, boy. You’re edging in on Ichika’s dumb design territory.

Isurugi Michimune

I don’t know why, but I just really like Michimune’s design. Perhaps it’s the relative simplicity of it, or the fact that I just happen to like navy and orange as a color combo, who knows.

I don’t have much of an issue with Michimune so far–I like that he’s kind of hot headed but trying not to be. Like he’s easily goaded into starting to go for Alice just by Izuki calling him a pansy, despite that he knows deep down it’s a bad idea.

Basically he’s also clearly flawed and I like that. He’s a character dealing with an internal struggle–trying to temper is own natural inclinations for the sake of his friends. According to the website he’s best friends with Yuuri and wants to protect both him and his big sister Miori, which is a kind of interesting parallel with Kaname that I hope goes somewhere interesting.

Ayara Izuki

I love this guy. I just…look at him. Fucking look at him. Look at his blue hair. Look at his neon pink hoodie. Look at his skull spider tattoo. Look at his highlighter yellow t-shirt. Look at his 90s hi-tops and his edgelord piercings. Look at his black neck bandanna. Look at how he wears a pair of handcuffs as a bracelet. LOOK AT HOW HIS HOODIE HAS THE SAME DESIGN AS HIS TATTOO.

This character’s design is a fucking train wreck, but in an entirely different way than Ichika. Like the game both kind of does and doesn’t seem to be taking the character designs seriously (Alice does make a quip about Ichika’s chain) but like…oh my god. This is just so fucking wonderful. It’s like a kaleidoscope that’s been sharpened into a butter knife.

Anyway, Izuki is your standard combative bad boy archetype. He’s 20 and jobless, according to the website. Nothing TOO interesting so far but I just love his stupid design so damn much that I want him to hang around for awhile (and ideally subvert the obvious assumption that he killed someone in the past, but hey).

Ninchouji Issei

So if Ichika is here to bait in thirsty otaku dudes, Issei is a little something for the ladies. His design is basically “Togami, but a chef” and his personality is…well, basically it’s kind of just “Togami, but a chef and without the really obvious disdain for everyone”. What I mean by that is that he’s the character who seems almost intrigued by the premise of this game and has a bit of a haughty, I-know-more-than-you-fools vibe going on.

That might be because he’s 25 and a chef and he’s stuck in this theme park with a bunch of kids, but who knows.

Isumi Hakushuu

I am still not over the fact that his first name sounds so close to the Japanese word for “applause” or the fact that his design is best described as “preppy Amami” (I can picture Amami going undercover as Hakushuu and Avril Lavigne singing “Complicated” as a result). He’s 20, he’s in college, he’s apparently the twins’ neighbor in their, I assume, gated community with high HOA fees.

So far he seems like he’ll be the calm, smart character, possibly betray everyone later on in the story. Or like maybe he’ll seem like he’s really in the game to win but then later he and Kaname become bros or something.

Personally I’m about as meh about him as I was about Amami.

Tadenomiya Aasha

One half of this VN’s twin set (the older one iirc?). Seems like Aasha is more interested in Western Gothic fashion, and she wears a black rose-shaped patch over her left eye, perhaps as a fashion statement or perhaps because she and Kaasha share an eye or something I dunno.

God this design. Half blue/half green hair, the handle to her parasol being shaped like a gun, the headgear…like what is that? Is she some kind of maid queen?

Anyway, the twins so far are both overly formal, seems haughty and antagonistic, and obsessed with Hakushuu for some reason I assume will never be adequately explained.

Also of note is that both twins are the same age as Misa, and the website says that they’re very advanced for their age. No, game, they’re not really. They act like typical chuunibyou mofos. They are being pretentious and embarrassing and act like they know everything, and I have encountered many 13-year-olds who are just like that.

Tadenomiya Kaasha

Other half of this game’s VN twin set (I think the younger one). This one comes in Japanese flavor, with the hakama and sword handle to her hikasa and white…what kind of flower is that? Anyway, a white flower over her right eye because in my mind the twins share an eye between them that gives them the ability to see other people’s abilities and that’s how they find out about Kaname’s lie-seeing thing and sorry. Trying to keep myself entertained.

Anyway, Kaasha so far has pretty much the same personality as Aasha. I really hope they both team up to mess people up rather than fight each other for Hakushuu’s attention, but if I’m being honest I already know that’s where we’re headed.

*sigh*

Yurizono Shihori

We’re still troping it up but we’ve now hit the trope I personally like–resting bitch face. Shihori don’t give a fuck about what’s going on here. She doesn’t have time to wear a bra, to emote, or give one single shit about the situation. She’s also strangely absent in the flashback but I don’t know what that means yet. Possibly that she will be a fake-out mastermind candidate later on in the game?

Design-wise I’m not sure how I feel about the boots or the fishnets, but other than that it’s fine. Pretty simple and more to my taste than the complicated stuff. Love the Kingdom Hearts-inspired design on her shirt too. Also her last name is literally just “lily garden” I mean come on. This hole was made for me.

Shihori is apparently 21 and a college student, hence her apathy about life probably. Also according to the website she has poor eyesight and carries around glasses but doesn’t wear them. See, that’s the kind of small personal detail that makes a character likable. That’s like a DR character trait.

Alice

Alice is my actual fave so far. She’s not TOO close to Monokuma, but there’s just enough resonance to make her fun. Alice is the only one who seems to be lampshading these dumb design choices or stock personality traits too, which I appreciate immensely.

As for her design, I like it. There’s that one weird ¾ sprite that looks kind of odd, but other than that she’s really cute and otherworldly. Like she’s clearly robotic but also clearly a rabbit which fits with the Wonderland theme, and she’s got the cute voice that’s really expressive (and a nice change of pace from the human characters, who for the most part are all pretty monotone so far…especially Kaname).

So yeah. There’s my thoughts so far on the Exile Election cast. I suppose I can update as I continue to play.

#Exile Election #Jess plays Exile Election #追放選挙 #long post #ask #dendyfalls

16 notes · View notes

aforeverunfinishedproject · 7 years

Text

Am I a Woman with Undiagnosed Aspergers/High Functioning Autism?

This is going to be a long post. I’m writing it for myself and myself alone, to help me try to get a grasp of what I’ve been reading. Obviously that’s not to say you’re not welcome to follow along, but be warned… I’m not writing this with a mind for other people to be able to easily follow along.

I’ve been wondering more and more lately about whether I might be undiagnosed autistic. It just feels like the diagnoses I have don’t fit quite right, and the more I learn about women with autism, and about how likely they are to go undiagnosed (or diagnosed with other mental disorders), the more I think I fit the mold.

The following is an article I read online (https://everydayaspie.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/females-with-aspergers-syndrome-checklist-by-samantha-craft/) one of several, that makes me feel like a poster child for this. I copied and pasted the symptomology list so I could work through it for myself:

Suggested Use: Check off all areas that strongly apply to the person. If each area has 75%-80% of the statements checked, or more, then you may want to consider that the female may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

When determining an AS diagnosis (or Autism Spectrum diagnosis) reviewing an individual’s childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and present day is advisable. This particularly applies to communication challenges; many females with AS teach themselves the communication rules to the point of extreme. A primary identifier might be they are still teaching themselves social and communication rules; in other words they are still rehearsing. (Section A consideration/prolific artist in place of writer and/or both.)

Section A: Deep Thinkers

•A deep thinker I don’t really know what is meant by “deep thinker”… I do think and philosophize a lot but I’m not sure that counts •A prolific writer drawn to poetry I write a lot. It’s mostly gobbledygook, like pieces of stories or lists of the names of people I know. It’s relaxing and allows me to organize my thoughts or check-out of reality for awhile •*Highly intelligent the explanation of intelligence this author gives seems to fit. I don’t think I have a particularly high IQ though •Sees things at multiple levels, including her own thinking processes YES. OH MY GODS. People always act like I’m such a freak because I can identify my own thought processes and see where my thinking is irrational but can’t change my behaviours/anxieties that are affected by the irrational thought processes. •Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything, continually Pretty much constantly •Serious and matter-of-fact in nature Maybe not so much… I don’t know •Doesn’t take things for granted I don’t feel like I do, but I’ve been accused of taking John for granted when we were together, so I don’t know. I know I don’t take Dar and my Dad’s help for granted and am constantly mentally preparing myself for when they stop helping me and I do my best not to take/ask for their help as much as humanly possible •Doesn’t simplify •Everything is complex I feel like this shouldn’t be a symptom. Everything IS complex. Nothing is simple. Nuance is everywhere. •Often gets lost in own thoughts and “checks out” (blank stare) This is a nearly all-day, every day thing for me. I thought it was called maladaptive daydreaming. Maybe it is.

Section B: Innocent

•Naïve I think that finally, at the tender age of almost 38, I’m finally starting to be a little less naïve… but yes. I trust way too easily •Honest Too honest. I really do need to learn when to omit •Experiences trouble with lying I do. I either stutter (not only when lying, mind you), or can’t speak at all and the discomfort in my face gives me away every time •Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty This is why I’m so naïve and trusting… I just find it difficult to believe that someone would purposely be manipulating, disloyal, or a liar until after the fact •Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation if this world were truly a good place, then everyone should have trouble with these concepts •Easily fooled and conned if ashamed to admit it, but yes. Very easily. However, I think less so than when I was younger •Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed every single day •Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet WHY DO YOU THINK I REFER TO THE HUMANS AS “THE HUMANS”?!? I relate SO HARD to this point •Feelings of isolation YES. I isolate myself because it’s overwhelming not to, but I don’t like feeling isolated and lonely. It’s very confusing •Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn’t think to tell anyone yes, but not just as a child to be honest.

Section C: Escape and Friendship

•Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action yes •Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects I don’t know how to define fixations, obsessions, and over-interest. I don’t think this one applies •Escapes routinely through imagination, fantasy, and daydreaming YES •Escapes through mental processing what does this mean? •Escapes through the rhythm of words yes, and sometimes I almost feel hypnotized by it •Philosophizes, continually pretty much •Had imaginary friends in youth I mean, not that I believed were real, but I did make up friends to tell people about because I wanted people to believe I had friends •Imitates people on television or in movies sometimes. Like, I’ll repeat things people say on TV in the same way they say them, and sometimes not realize that I’m doing it until someone asks me what I’m talking about because they weren’t listening to the tv/radio etc. so my words seem weirdly random •Treated friends as “pawns” in youth, e.g., friends were “students” “consumers” “members” again, I don’t know what this means •Makes friends with older or younger females more so than friends her age (often in young adulthood) I’ve never made friends with females easily, but most of my best female friendships were always with older women, like bosses and coworkers •Imitates friends or peers in style, dress, attitude, interests, and manner (sometimes speech) the ones whose style I admire, for sure. I’m more likely to imitate characters I admire, more than the really real humans, though •Obsessively collects and organizes objects no. •Mastered imitation probably, although I’m not sure I would use the word “mastered” •Escapes by playing the same music over and over I used to but I find that my annoyance with repetitive sounds has drifted into music now and I can’t stand listening to the same songs on repeat •Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real) yes, both real and imagined. Especially imagined •Numbers bring ease (could be numbers associated with patterns, calculations, lists, time and/or personification) I find words and language bring more comfort than numbers, although things like Sudoku are great for helping me to relax and ease my mind •Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging um, I don’t know. I have, but I find this behaviour has subsided in recent years •Escapes into other rooms at parties YES. Or I go sit in the car for awhile. At work, I escaoe to the bathroom to just sit and calm myself periodically •Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts true story •Everything has a purpose I don’t know what is meant by this. Every THING has a purpose, yes, but not everything that HAPPENS TO YOU happens for a reason. At least, I’ve come to believe this recently after reading about it.

Section D: Comorbid Attributes

•OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) I don’t think so •Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste) (might have synesthesia) Yes. I get overwhelmed with sensory overload, and also have an obsession with texture. I need to touch everything, especially soft/bristly/smooth/cold. Texture also affects the foods I can and cannot stand to eat. •Generalized Anxiety I am diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so yeah •Sense of pending danger or doom almost always •Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive) This happens, although not overly frequently. I spend more time depressed than overjoyed lately, but do have a bad habit if being both inconsiderate as well as over-sensitive •Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination (may have Ehlers •Danlos Syndrome and/or Hypotonia and/or POTS syndrome) I don’t know. I mean, I have poor muscle tone but I’ve also been pretty sedentary over the last few years. I am double-jointed, though •Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten I have very disordered eating habits that were concerning to my psychologist, but she said they weren’t quite disordered in such a way as to qualify as an actual “eating dosorder”. Food plays a very important role in my ability to emotionally cope with life. •Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issues yes, but I think this is a result of my anxiety disorder? •Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges chronic fatigue should almost be my middle name *yyaaaawwwnnn* •Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with a mental illness diagnosed with GAD, BPD, Dissociative Disirder, Major Recurrent Depression, and at least one shrink has suggested Schizo effective disorder (but I was drunk when she interviewed me so she can suck my anus with her stupid guess). I am of the belief that most of this is grasping at straws and none of it feels exactly right. •Experiences multiple physical symptoms, perhaps labeled “hypochondriac” I have lots of physical symptoms, but I’m afraid of going to the doctor so I can’t be labeled hypochondriac •Questions place in the world No lie… Every. Single. Day. I just feel like I have no use or value and I’m not sure what I’m even doing here and I’m so confused •Often drops small objects um… no, not really •Wonders who she is and what is expected of her yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. I have major MAJOR issue with my identity. I also have major problems understanding what people want of me unless they’re super specific. •Searches for right and wrong yes •Since puberty has had bouts of depression (may have PMDD) I’m depressed a lot, yes. •Flicks/rubs fingernails, picks scalp/skin, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, paces in circles, and/or clears throat often YESSSSS. I pick my scalp, rub my hands so much I make them sore by rubbing skin off, I constantly break my fingernails because I’m always pushing them down and pulling them up and picking at them. I also frequently dig my fingernails into my palms, hands, and arms. Other stuff too, probably Section E: Social Interaction

•Friends have ended friendship suddenly (without female with AS understanding why) and/or difficult time making friends I don’t understand how to make or keep friends. I don’t currently have any friends left that aren’t related to me. At least a few aquaintances, though. •Tendency to overshare yes, and it’s so embarrassing when I realize I’ve overshared, but somehow this doesn’t stop me from doing it again and again •Spills intimate details to strangers yep •Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class I didn’t participate in class really at all during high school. In college (when I was 26) I maybe over-participated •Little impulse control with speaking when younger when younger? I’m almost 38 and still struggle with this •Monopolizes conversation at times sometimes, but not that often. Definitely when I’m given an opportunity to talk about myself, which embarrasses me to admit right now •Brings subject back to self I used to all the time but I’ve become more mindful of this and tend to choose silence over talking about me •Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling (is not narcissistic) I’ve been called a narcissist, but I’ve read extensively and taken multiple tests online to determine if I am one, and I’m definitely not •Shares in order to reach out yep •Often sounds eager and over-zealous or apathetic and disinterested yes lol and I think it confuses people •Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside yes •Feels as if she is attempting to communicate “correctly” YESSSSS. •Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest or feasible new friendship I used to. I’m afraid of new relationships now, because they always end painfully because I’m such a weirdo •Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, body stance, and posture in conversation yes, but I’m getting better by copying how others do it •Conversation are often exhausting Yes. I avoid them like the plague •Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually I don’t know, honestly. Myself, sure, but not others so much I don’t think •Feels as if missing a conversation “gene” or thought-filter yes •Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people yes, especially reading •Visualizes and practices how she will act around others This is necessary for survival •Practices/rehearses in mind what she will say to another before entering the room again, this is necessary to avoid stuttering, or freezing, or blurting stupid shit •Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others yes, oh yes. So much yes. •Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situation yep. It’s necessary or I start over sharing or acting weird or repeating other people or whatever •Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, inappropriate, or different from others lol yes. So many times I see my family cringe in embarrassment when I make an apparently inappropriate joke in mixed company/public •As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk I barely spoke as a child. My mom would periodically check to see if I was sleeping/dead because I was so quiet •Finds norms of conversation confusing very confusing. Sometimes annoying •Finds unwritten and unspoken rules difficult to grasp, remember, and apply Yes. This is one of the reasons I thrive more in monotonous, repetitive general labour work with specifically laid-out instructions, meal times, and limited autonomy Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone

•Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house but at the same time will often harbor guilt for “hibernating” and not doing “what everyone else is doing” YES •One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat (this can even be a familiar family member) I mean, I never thought of it in terms of “threat”, but yes. When someone visits I tend to run to my bedroom and avoid the visit unless they specifically ask for me •Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, doesn’t relieve the anxiety Knowing anything logically doesn’t change how I feel about it, no matter how irrational I know it is •Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar to the point where I make myself sick, yes •Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up yep. It makes me feel so nausiated •All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about yes. So much panic in my first waking minutes/hours •She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments, often days before a scheduled event yep •OCD tendencies when it comes to concepts of time, being on time, tracking time, recording time, and managing time (could be carried over to money, as well) I am a badass at budgeting, and even made a killer Excel workbook for that purpose. And time, too… I’m obsessed with being early. Running late makes me sick to my stomach •Questions next steps and movements, continually I try not to think about next steps, actually, because I never know what to do and it makes me too anxious •Sometimes feels as if she is on stage being watched and/or a sense of always having to act out the “right” steps, even when she is home alone AHHH YES!!!!!!! Not on stage, but like someone is always watching and judging, either through cameras or through some magical way of viewing through my own eyes. Sometimes I avoid looking at myself in the mirror because I don’t want the watcher to see me naked, and it definitely affects how I behave in a multitude of ways •Telling self the “right” words and/or positive self-talk (CBT) doesn’t typically alleviate anxiety. CBT may cause increased feelings of inadequacy. yep. I liked my CBT group therapy, but it left me feeling stupid because most of the techniques don’t work and make me feel worse kinda •Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind hells yes •Requires a large amount of down time or alone time YES. I put this in my dating profile, even, because I’m sick and tired of people not understanding that I need a LOT of alone time to recharge and just be •Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest depends on the activity, but yes •Uncomfortable in public locker rooms, bathrooms, and/or dressing rooms yes very much. I have taught myself to pee in public washrooms, though, which I hail as a great accomplishment •Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, and/or crowded theater yes, I panic easily in these situations, especially if I don’t have an “anchor person” like my sister with me. Section G: Sensitive

•Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep oh my gods yes. Sometimes I can hear the fibres in my pillow when my hear beats and I have to just sleep without a pillow because it makes me crazy. And I have to unplug things like the clock radio because I can hear the electricity and it annoys the ever-loving shit out of me. Smells and textures, too, for sure. All of this. Yes yes yes. •Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort yep •Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature yes. Sometimes my dreams are so anxiety filled that I wake up feeling emotionally exhausted •Highly intuitive to others’ feelings yes. I assume it’s a survival mechanism? •Highly empathetic, sometimes to the point of confusion because sometimes I can’t really differentiate my own feelings from those of others •Takes criticism to heart yeah, I try to accept “constructive criticism”, but it always hurts my feelings. •Longs to be seen, heard, and understood it’s really a never-ending battle between not wanting to be noticed because I’m terrified of how people perceive me, and desperately wanting to be noticed but only if it’s in a positive light. I really do long for understanding. I have for as long as I can remember, and have yet to find it. •Questions if she is a “normal” person yes, although by this point I’ve more or less accepted that I am not, in fact, normal. Now I just want to be accepted in my abnormality. •Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions Yes. I pay attention to how other people think and feel, and try to be as non-offputting as possible based on the things people seem to like and dislike •At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words yes. Not always, as I do feel I have reasonable critical thinking skills, but I have no problem changing my opinion based on a fresh perspective being offered by someone else, especially if that someone is in a position to know better on that subject that I do •Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily, if not hourly of course… I always found it weird that other people aren’t keenly aware of their own limitations •Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work Yes. I cry. Not in front of people, if I can help it, but I cry •Views many things as an extension of self what does this mean? Do you mean, like, my arts and crafts? Because that is totally an extension of me. But also things like my car and my aviation goggles also feel like that, too •Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment Yes. I pretend I don’t, and sometimes I succeed. Really I’ve gotten to a point where I only care about being judged in certain areas, but not so much in others. Also, I care more about what my own people think of me than about what strangers think… or at least the things I care about my own people thinking are different from the things I care about strangers thinking… sort of •Dislikes words and events that hurt animals and people HOW CAN ANYONE ENJOY THESE THINGS!?!? I hate those “funny” video compilations of “epic fails”. I hate the circus and the rodeo. All these things are horrific to me and I can’t watch. •Collects or rescues animals (often in childhood) As a kid I did this a lot. If I looked down from my bedroom window and saw ripples in the pool from a drowning fly, I would run down the two flights of stairs to rescue it. Tbh I would still do this, which is weird because if a spider or earwig enters my private space, I feel guilty in killing it but I still kill it. •Huge compassion for suffering (sometimes for inanimate objects/personification) Yep. To this day I feel physical pain for my stuffed animals if they “get hurt”, and don’t even get me started on how much I’ll freak out if I find out you’ve thrown one of them away •Sensitive to substances (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, medication, hormones, etc.) I don’t know. I don’t really think so. Some things make my face get red and blotchy, and other things make my face and scalp itchy, but not enough to stop eating/drinking them or whatever. •Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action no. I am way too afraid of rejection to offer advice or to make plans •Questions life purpose and how to be a “better” person always. I read and read about social justice and other such subjects because I want to be better. I feel like I’m useless and valueless and I want to be useful and have value so very very much •Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts Yeah, but I mean, not so much anymore. I’ve started to give up on the idea of eventually finding understanding. Section H: Sense of Self

•Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in Yes. Sometimes I go out dressed like Tank Girl, because I want to be unique and badass and different (and I love Tank Girl), and other times I go out dressed as toned-down as I can because I want to blend in to the back ground. •Imitates others without realizing it I’m not sure. I know I definitely tend to talk like other people. Like, I take on other people’s accents and English skills very quickly, often to the detriment of my relationship with the person because they think I’m mocking them •Suppresses true wishes (often in young adulthood) I’ve done this so much that I’m not sure I even have any true wishes anymore. I honestly don’t know what I want out of my life other than to avoid stress. •Exhibits codependent behaviors (often in young adulthood) Oh yes, very much. I’ve wondered if I fit the mould for a codependent personality disorder, before. I know this is a big part of what drove my ex away from me •Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule Yes •Rejects social norms and/or questions social norms YES •Feelings of extreme isolation You have no idea, my friend. I feel so alone amongst all these humans •Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work Yeah, I really have to consciously try to feel good about myself, and often still can’t get there. Taking time to make myself look “pretty” does help, but is often not enough. •Switches preferences based on environment and other people yep •Switches behavior based on environment and other people yep •Didn’t care about her hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to her YES!! And even then, it took a fair amount of bullying before I started making a real effort in this regard. I didn’t even brush my teeth regularly until high school •“Freaks out” but doesn’t know why until later Do I? I’m not sure about this one. What constitutes “freaking out”? I’ve had random freak outs, like panic attacks I guess, but I don’t think I’ve ever been able to identify why they happened. •Young sounding voice yeah maybe. I do get mistaken for younger than I am fairly frequently •Trouble recognizing what she looks like and/or has occurrences of slight prosopagnosia (difficulty recognizing or remembering faces) No? I don’t know. I don’t think so. •Feels significantly younger on the inside than on the outside (perpetually twelve) YES. Like, I’ve been told by one shrink that I seemed to have a bit of a “Peter Pan Complex”, and while I’ve since learned that’s not really a thing in psychology, I still agree that it should be because he was right Section I: Confusion

•Had a hard time learning that others are not always honest This has been a painful lesson, to be sure •Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable (self’s and others’) Yes •Confuses appointment times, numbers, and/or dates Yeah, I have to keep multiple calendars and set reminders immediately or I get confused •Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest Yes, and it’s always confounding •Spoke frankly and literally in youth I don’t know, I’m not sure •Jokes go over the head Yeah that does happen, though not as often as it once did. That’s probably because I’ve become more reclusive and therefore am not present around people who are telling jokes so much any more •Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray Yes, like I’m so harmless I don’t understand why people would treat me poorly when they do. I also don’t get it or like it when they treat others in these ways •Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme Yes. Very much. •Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike I’m not sure what is meant by this. Like, do you mean I’m troubled by witnessing hate and dislike? Yes, I am. Do you mean I have trouble feeling hate and dislike? I mean, kinda? I don’t know. Those kinds of emotions confuse me •Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt her Yeah, this goes back to my confusion of the previous point… When I know I should probably hate someone, I do, but I also feel bad for the person for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that maybe I’ve wrongfully determined that they were bad to me •Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity Yep •Difficulty recognizing how extreme emotions (outrage, deep love) will affect her and challenges transferring what has been learned about emotions from one situation to the next Yes. I’ve become afraid of letting myself have these emotions anymore •Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white It depends on the subject matter. When it comes to how I feel about myself, it’s very black or white. With everything else I feel a deep complexity •The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood (all or nothing mentality) Yes. •A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world Yep, but I can usually recover •A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss LOL Almost ALWAYS Section J: Words, Numbers, and Patterns

•Likes to know word origins and/or origin of historical facts/root cause and foundation OMG LOL! YES!!! But knowing the etymology of words helps me in guessing and understanding the meanings of new words I haven’t heard before. Historical stuff, too… it gives life context. •Confused when there is more than one meaning (or spelling) to a word No, this isn’t me at all. I love words, and learning that there are alternate spellings to a word only intrigues me •High interest in songs and song lyrics No, not really •Notices patterns frequently Yes •Remembers things in visual pictures Is this not normal? •Remembers exact details about someone’s life Depends on the person, but yes •Has a remarkable memory for certain details For some things, yes. For others, not so much •Writes or creates to relieve anxiety YES •Has certain “feelings” or emotions towards words and/or numbers Yes, words. •Words and/or numbers bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship Yes (Optional) Executive Functioning & Motor Skills. This area isn’t always as evident as other areas.

•Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship YES AND IT’S SO CONFUSING. •Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome I literally didn’t learn to drive until I was 30, yep •New places offer their own set of challenges YES •Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic Yes •The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety Yes •Mundane tasks are avoided Yes •Cleaning self and home may seem insurmountable Yes •Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task Yes but I rarely actually ask them •Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, and/or have dyslexia and/or dysgraphia No. •A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming Yes •Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class YES •Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are; not being able to locate something or thinking about locating something can cause feelings of intense anxiety (object permanence challenges) (even with something as simple as opening an envelope) I don’t know. I guess?

#personal #autistic women

1 note · View note