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cxhleel108 · 2 months

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LITG S8 Thots for this week: What a great day!

• Girl this compatibility test kinda made no sense like I’m just answering questions that so obviously correlate to Oakley or Shawn what is the point???😭

• And what guy would that be exactly?…

• Oakley being most compatible with me AHA! y’all are never tearing us apart idgaf😛

• She’s so me like why I’m kinda in love with her.

• Outfit time un!

• Ok um…roaring twenties!

• This is so Emel coded. Aw I kinda miss her a lil.

• That poem chile…Max you gotta go😭😭😭

• Claudia toying with Liam and Max lame asses ughh that’s my muva DOWN.

• Team Shawn and Kyle actually cuz Liam and Max fucking suck omg. Also yes Kyle romancers you’ve converted me a little bit, he’s cute.

• Pushing Liam in the pool wasn’t enough tbh like he needs to drown I’m sorry.

• “I can’t stop thinking about last night” You mean when I kicked you out and slept alone Shawn? Ok.

• Bro this same shit happened last season what the fuck did I need to put on a dress for just to go speak to niggas??? Fusebox will do anything for a bag😭

• Anyways, outfit time deux!

• Werk!

• Great! Now I have to deal with Liam for the rest of the season🙂

• Being forced to bring a boy back is actually so dumb. What is he gonna be there for other than to watch me ride Oakley’s dick constantly?

• As she should! Let’s not act like Theo wouldn’t JUMP at the chance to taste this coochie if I let him, please.

• Me just having the option to leave Shawn behind back at the Villa god I feel so bad. I still did it tho😛

• AHHHHH EXACTLY BOO EXACTLYYYYYY!!!

• PFFFFFFTTTTT BE FOR REAL BRUH🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

• BAD BITCH PARTY OF ONE! BAD BITCH PARTY OF ONE YOUR TABLE IS READY!

• I’m sorry but-

• So glad I get to let Shawn know right away that I’m a girl on a mission and he’s just gonna have to be okay with that.

• Bitch don’t make my girl already have to slide yo ass after being back for three minutes.

• The daybeds chat ughhkdkdksns just give him back to me already like y’all keep playing with me!

• Ok first off, I looooove Hazel already she’s so cutesy and fun and girlypop. Second off, I really don’t give a fuck what happened while I was gone cuz at the end of the day…Sienna is NOT badder than me…like at all.

• Outfit time trois!

• Cheetah print so I can show this ho just how fast I can reclaim my man oh exactly!

• Bea sis I love you but you can’t be mad at Liam for being an ignorant fool when you brought said ignorant fool in here like…

• Ooo wait this different scenario options for different LIs gave me Choices tease for a second…why they can’t do this more often???

• This shit had me giggling and kicking my feet god I love this man.

• Hazel and Hari are lowkey goals I love this.

• LMAOOOOOOO LAME ASS🫵🏽🤣

• Uhhhh Luna don’t be mad just cuz I got the attention of four niggas in here and you only got the attention of one. We may have made up but TRUST I got enough smoke for you and Sienna!

• Everybody just watched Oakley and I share this romantic ass, dramatic ass, chick flick ass kiss but they still gon act like there’s a chance I want somebody else I hate it here.

• Course it was Liam that started the big blow up.

• How dare y’all assume I’d rat my bestie Claudia out omg?

• Them bringing my name up in that argument between Theo and Claudia just for it to not even mean anything…like I said earlier anything for a fucking bag.

• You’re telling me Jin and Luna were actually able to end their pointless arguement in a time frame of under two minutes this time? Wow shit really is changing around here.

• AHHHHH YOU MAD🫵🏽😝

• Oh brother can we just tell Oakley that we’d never cheat on him and get to fucking already jesus why do we have to wait for that AGAIN???

#so glad bae is back #i need amy schumer gone immediately tho #liam too he literally has no purpose #litg #love island the game #litg tempting fate #litg s8 #litg season 8

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tom-whore-dleston · 1 year

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JUST HERE TO INDULGE YOUR ASKBOX

also, rank your top three crushes and provide evidence, and go 3rd -> 2nd -> 1st because dramatic flair?

OHMYGAWFDD THE CAPYBARA AND THE CAT 😭😭😭 that’s you and me heheheh 🙈🙈

I’m not sure if you meant fictional or celeb crushes so I’ll do both since I’m extra af 🤣

Fictional

3. Shang-Chi Xu - a hot himbo with daddy issues that will kick some ass at 5pm but still meet you for dinner at 6pm? Yes please 😩😩 he’s also hella freaky in bed (canon)

2. Layla El Faouly - This is my personal hot take but she is probably one of the few female MCU characters that the writers and creators put a lot of love and care into creating/developing and it really shows bc everyone loved her. I really hope they continue this in future projects bc I’m sick of my faves having these amazing developments just for them to get thrown in the trash by lazy writing.

1. Joaquin Torres - I’ve been on a huge Joaquin/Danny kick bc he’s the sunshine I need in my life 🥹 and he lowkey looks like my partner 😝

Celebrities

3. Simu Liu - Now for those of you that have been following for a while, I know it’s surprising he’s not number one. Yes, I did meet him. Yes, he is loml of my life. But he is in love with another and when you love something, set it free and if it comes back then it’s meant to be. We’d probably have great sexual chemistry as two April Aries, but I don’t know if we’d be compatible 😗

2. Harry Styles - I’ve loved him since I was 12 and it’s basically like every time I think I’m falling out of love with him, I find a reason to fall back and harder 😂😂 I tend to have a thing for Aquarius men so it’s no coincidence I’m down bad for Harry lol

1. Danny Ramirez - As I mentioned with Joaquin, he is the sunshine in my life and reminds me of my partner 🥰

#whatcha thinkin darling?#buckets and trees #this was fun to talk about lol #I’m such a hoe I will find any excuse to gawk over my faves I can’t help it xD

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seokjinsonlyone · 2 years

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OK i’m adding on to your discussion post queen! Im OT7 and I am DEF a hoe when regarding BTS so i had to think a LOT about this. I feel like I would have a love SQUARE with Hobi, Jimin & Jungkook!

1. Seokjin & I would have too much of sibling type of banter and even though he’s fine and I’d hit ;) in real time it wouldn’t go past platonic relations (which i’m fine with)

2. Yoongi (MY BABY) in all honestly he’s my best friend’s bias soo maybe thats why I can’t see it any other way than platonic lmfaooo but in all seriousness I think we’d be great friends

3. Namjoon 😫 this ones hard to admit but I’D CRUSH SO HARD ON HIM but ion think he’s see me anymore than platonic like he’d friendzone my ass so hard

4. Taehyung and I would have a yoongi and seokjin dynamic mixed! Like again i’m OT7 and if any of em were down its a wrap 😚 but i feel me and tae would be the best of friends

NOW MY DELUSIONS START HERE: Hobi and I would have tension LIKE DEADASS WE PROBABLY THE MOST COMPATIBLE (based on zodiac & MBTI yes i looked don’t judge 😜). Like we’d make a great couple but JIMIN AND I WOULD BE FLIRTY AF LIKE HIM AND I WOULD DEF HAVE MORE NON PLATONIC VIBE GOIN ON! And when it comes to me and Jk I feel like our personalities definitely match and we would compliment each other a lot!!! Like we’d definitely fall for each other (in my delusions he falls first 👏🏽) . But yeah this my response in all honestly i just started ranting out loud so idk if i even responded correctly but babes i need you to do your own list like how i did with each member and if the vibes would be platonic or romantic 🙏🏽 anyways imm done LMFAOO

i LOVED this like YES girl dive head first into the crazy love knowing i’m not alone bc i DEFINITELY be checking our MBTI compatibility nd things of that nature watching content for research thinking daydreaming writing like wheeewww so if u want me to get more into it SAY LESSSSS

also let’s go into this knowing that any member could get it any day i always say beggars can’t be choosers and i’m literally on my knees saying pick me 🧎‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙋‍♀️ for these men so that’s that

namjoon: LOWKEY YOU GAVE ME ANXIETY BC I AINT EVEN THINK ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF GETTING FRIENDZONED BY HIM LIKE HES SO SWEET AND KIND AND OBLIVIOUS YOU’LL LITERALLY BE IN LOVE WITH HIM AND THEN HE’LL TELL SOMEONE YOU LIKE HIS SISTER LIKE THAT IS HUMILIATING but! in my experience i get along quite well with ENFPs so i have hope like i FOR SURE would be romantic with him but now i’m second guessing if he would like me back 💀

seokjin: 😭😭😭😭😭 i’m literally in love with him but we would be platonic bc we the same person like we both can’t be chaotic unserious emotionally stunted homebodies like it just wouldn’t work in all actuality

yoongi: idk WHY it’s different with yoongi bc it’s almost the same position as seokjin but it’s like the slightly different approach to life he has makes me think there would be romantic vibes with him like that whole “i believe in the power of negative emotions” thing he got going on kinda sexy idk if either of us would ever GO for it but we’d be on the same page at one point at least

hobi: <33333 romantic 100% genuinely feel like i would end up with him like i’m black and he rocking wit us so i’m rocking wit him he i could bring him to the cookout nd wouldn’t have to tell him a thing he’d just fit in so well and then like he’s just got this hint of sadness in him you can see nd i’m not even an emotional person but i would take such good care of him and he’d do the same like we would have such a deep connection

jimin: now this is almost the same situation as hobi and according to MBTI he’s like my most ideal match and i see it sooo much like he’s evil and a little mean but also so sweet and kind and he’s been wrecking me so bad lately but i think the problem is we both dom leaning 💀 like someone got to give up control nd idk who would so maybe platonic but like there’d be mad tension there

tae: platonic 😔✊ but only bc he seem needy and i don’t know if i could take care of him like he deserve we’d be great friends tho bc he’s weird nd i’m weird and we could listen to music together yes

jk: he is so hot there’s no way i wouldn’t have a crush on him and tbh i’m mad cool so i think there’s a possibility that he Could get one on me but i know it wouldn’t be on his mind 😭 heavy on the friends tho like my brother in adhd we’d act up whenever we got together group chat would be craaaazy

i took so long to answer this bc my brain was just going and going and i didn’t even say all i wanted to say bc i need more time to think but this my answer for now it is so long i’m sorry but you asked for it 😭💀

#ask of interest #i put a readmore so i don’t clog no one dash like crazy 😭#THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS #IMMA SPEND LIKE THE NEXT 3 DAYS IN DEEP THOUGHT OVER IT #ask

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septic-skele · 3 years

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Rating the BHC boys based on our compatibility

I’ve seen a few posts like this going around and thought it looked fun, so I’ll give it a go! Feel free to try this yourself if you want!

Sans: 9/10

We’d definitely be comfortable with each other. I’m not high maintenance company, I’d be happy to have a night in with some fast food. And I enjoy cool air and the night sky, even if I don’t look at it often enough. He could probably teach me some things about astronomy.

Papyrus: 7/10

He’ll find a lifelong spaghetti fan in me and his optimism does wonders for my mood. If he doesn’t mind that I’m a lot like Sans, we’d get along. That being said, he might end up hurting my feelings if he believed/implied that “laziness” is the reason for my lifestyle.

Blue: 6/10

He’s upfront but not overbearing, which is sweet, but he’s got competitiveness and high energy, while I definitely don’t. I wouldn’t be able to keep up and I’d lose the bets by default. He might wear me down quickly and I don’t want to hold him back. But hey, he would probably love my dog!

Stretch: 9/10

I love his sense of humor and style. He makes me laugh. I have a feeling that he would enjoy lowkey flustering me, which I’d enjoy too even if I didn’t admit it. Nutmeg and pumpkin spice are also a win. We share similar tastes and we’d probably have a lot of great inside jokes.

Red: 4/10

He can be brusque and I might be what he would consider oversensitive. I’m also not a big gamer, so we don’t have much in common. I love baked goods, but I don’t know if we could get close enough in the first place that he’d let me in to try his cupcakes.

Boss: 5/10

I can make some mean spaghetti so I have that going for me. I’d love the chance to sample his! I’m a big Disney fan and while I may not shop there often, I do enjoy Hot Topic. Still, his sarcasm might get old, and cats usually don’t like me as much as dogs do.

Nox: 8/10

He’s a classy guy with a voice that melts me into goo. We’re both good with money and enjoy being left alone so we’d probably be happy each doing our own thing until we were both available. If he can accept that I don’t drink wine and avoid seeing the clutter in my room, we’ll get along just fine.

Rus: 7.5/10

For some of the same reasons as Sans, we have a lot in common, but he’s a smidge lower because our social anxieties combined would make me worry about him (and probably vice versa) and his money troubles might stress me out. But we could spoil each other’s sweet tooth!

Ash: 3/10

I’m sad to say I don’t think we would mesh that well. I’m not an outdoorsy person and I’m also not a very good conversation instigator so there would be a lot of silence and awkwardness between us. I think he’s cute, but we don’t have many common interests.

Poplar: 8/10

He’s a fellow foodie, he has a really nice accent, and can understand the disabled experience. That means a lot to me! I’m a good listener so I’ll let him infodump about his special interests if he lets me infodump about mine! He seems like he would be a really nice confidant.

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dear--charlie · 3 years

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Dear Charlie,

It hurts. The more I think about it, the more I try to figure it out, the more that it hurts.

I’m not the kind of person that he wants. I don’t know if I’m the kind of person that anybody wants, not really. So, maybe I don’t know what it’s like to be loved in return, but it’s enough to know how it feels to really love someone. There are a lot of moments where I wonder if I’m the kind of person that’s meant for love, I wonder that about life sometimes too. It’s not about me deserving it or not, it’s about compatibility. I know what I want and I don’t want to compromise it for someone else. I want to live where I want to and live how I want to, I don’t need another person to sway that. Who knows, though? Maybe this is just my attempt at trying not to care that Jack doesn’t want me too, that my own best friend can’t love me.

And the thing is, I’m not mad at him. I don’t hold it against him. I couldn’t do either of those things if I tried. I just understand, and wish it was different. I really thought I was over him, and I don’t know what to do about any of this. I’m not really sure what it’s going to be like when I hang out with him next. He was supposed to come over tonight to watch more of our show, but ended up not being able to make it. I’m kind of glad, I feel like I’d act really weird around him right now. Everyone’s supposed to go to the beach at some point this week too, and I think I’m probably gonna stay home. One, because it’s probably going to be Tuesday and I have a much needed therapy appointment in the middle of the day. And two, because I can’t stand the thought of getting into a car for more than an hour or withstanding a day where people can actually see me.

In case I didn’t mention it, the agoraphobia is getting worse. My therapist says it’s a problem now. I haven’t left the house in probably two months, and that was just to go grocery shopping. The trip to Trader Joe’s was overwhelming enough to make me decide not to go again. Not to mention, getting in the car makes me feel like I’m gonna throw up. Ever since the accident we got into in February, my car anxiety has gotten worse. Needless to say, I’m still not gonna get my license any time soon — maybe ever, if I can find a way to live like that. We have to go to a restaurant tonight for my sister’s birthday and I really, really don’t wanna go. I’m gonna try and see if I can stay home. I know that’s not the healthy option, but sue me. I’ve been having a rough time.

That’s not the point right now. Jack has a few days off of work this week, so he’ll be over eventually and I’ll have to figure out how to act like my latest crisis involves me probably still being in love with him. I’ve been trying to ask for his advice without actually telling him the situation. So far, he just thinks that I’m second guessing my feelings for Lani and I’m trying to deal with an incident from a few years ago. I was vague when I explained it, I mostly focused on the girlfriend part of it all.

The thing is, I’ve been really tempted to just tell him the truth. There have been more than a few times in the past two days that I’ve almost texted him out of nowhere and been like: hey, I might probably kind of definitely sorta totally still love you. It’s been getting harder to reign in impulses like that, and I don’t want the consequences that’ll follow if I end up acting on them. I don’t want things to get awkward, I don’t want him to get distant, I don’t want things to change.

I said once, in an old letter, that things would be easier if I knew I didn’t have a chance with him, that way I could move on. I’m gonna come out right now and say that I was dead fucking wrong. It’s so much harder to know that I don’t have a chance with him. My mind will wander to what if’s and hopeful daydreams, and I have to remind myself that it’s literally never gonna happen. He’s interested in his coworker and she’s interested in him. If he’s happy, what else can I ask for? If he’s happy, I can suffer in silence for as long as it takes to get over him. I shouldn’t be selfish by feeling jealous or mopey.

Maybe I should tell him. Is that really stupid? On the one hand, I don’t want him to get suspicious about how weird I am and figure it out. On the other hand, I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable around me if he knows. Mom asked if I told him how I felt and I told her that I did years ago, but not this time. I told Bella about my predicament and she said pretty much the same things as Nikki.

I wish that he’d be mean to me. I wish he’d make me cry or break my heart or do something that could make me get over him. The little slivers of hope that I get from the “nothing’s off the table” comment is enough to keep me going apparently, and I still wish he’d told me that hell would freeze over before he’d feel the same way. What if he did feel that way about me and never said anything? What if he thought I’d gotten over him and didn’t wanna start me back up again? What if there was a chance and I missed it?

I talked to my mom about the whole situation for like two hours and I think it just really set in that this might never go away. She said that, based on how I’ve been talking about Lani, it doesn’t seem like the relationship will go anywhere. She also said that I shouldn’t ruin my friendship with Jack even if he somehow felt the same. She talked a lot about meeting new people and I made it really clear that doing that is one of the last things I want.

I came to a kind of realization, and it really hurts. I don’t want love if it doesn’t make me feel the way he makes me feel, and I'll probably never find a connection like that again. Even Mom said it, that I'll never be able to find a person that makes me feel the same. She said I might find someone who makes me feel different, but still good, and I don’t want that. I don’t fucking want different. I know how loving someone feels, I don't want that to change.

It'd just be easier to be alone. I don’t wanna meet new people and feel uncomfortable for months or years before really getting to know them, before they really get to know me. I don’t wanna put that work in if they won't make me feel the way he does, if it isn’t worth it, because what would the point be?

If these feelings could just go away, I'd be content with keeping the friend group I have and never meeting new people. I would be content with never having a partner too. The only reason I want one now is because it's him. The moment I got into a relationship with someone else, I didn't really want to be in it anymore. I don’t think there will be anybody who will live up to him, and I don't know how to accept that.

And I’m trying to keep myself from doing something really impulsive and stupid like telling him about all this bullshit, because I just want to know. I wanna know once and for all if there’s a chance or if there isn't, but I can't ask. What if he just said him having feelings for me was a possibility because he wanted to be nice? What if there was never a chance and he just couldn't bring himself to be mean? Would I even feel better if I knew it wasn't a possibility? Would it make me feel worse? Who knows, because I clearly don't.

I don’t think I want anyone else. I know I could change my mind, but I truly don't want to do the work it'd take to get to know someone new if it wasn't a sure thing we'd have a connection like that. Mom compared it to all my trial and error with medications, and that just further solidified how much I don’t wanna do that. It took seven fucking years to get my meds right and I was so close to giving up that, if the latest one didn’t work, I was just gonna say fuck it and let the bipolar do to me whatever it wanted because I was so sick of trying only for things to fall flat.

I think I’d just rather be alone, and that I’m only thinking about relationships right now because I love him too much to not daydream about it. The other thing is, even if (a huge enormous big large giant galactic if) he felt the same for me, would we even act on it? Could we even risk destroying our friendship if things went badly? I don’t know if I could, unless I was sure things would be okay and I’m not sure, I can literally never guarantee that.

I brought it up with my sister, Hannah. I asked if I told her I was probably breaking up with Lani and she immediately guessed that it was because of Jack. I guess I’m more obvious than I thought. She said she’s been thinking about it because he’s been over so much lately, but I didn’t even realize my feelings for him again until this week. So, hopefully, I’m actually subtle. I guess we’ll see when I next hang out with him. I debated the idea of just lowkey ignoring him for a while, but I don’t want him to think I’m pissed off or annoyed with him. Plus, I love hanging out with him. I hope I’m not awkward.

It’s just a lose-lose-lose situation all around. There’s no chance? Lose. There used to be and now there isn't? Lose. There is a chance and we destroy our friendship? Lose. There's literally no good outcome for this, except the completely outlandish and unrealistic one, and that will absolutely never happen. Because, in what world would things ever go perfectly? In what world would someone start dating the person they’re with forever at twenty-fucking-one and have things never end poorly between them? Maybe it works for some, but I’ve never been that lucky.

The only thing I can do is sit with this and pray it will pass. It took me three years last time, if I can pretend I got over it at all, and I don’t know how I can cope with another three if I’m gonna feel this shitty the whole time. I really thought I was over him, and I don’t know what to do about any of this.

Love Always, Just Nick 06 | 20 | 21

#dear charlie #Just Nick

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millllennia · 3 years

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I HAVE FINISHED ACOSF

thank you guys for dealing with my spam live blogging these last few days. the one friend of mine that reads didn’t get her copy until today so i had no one to scream at

overall, I’m giving this book a 4/5 stars. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I do have some issues with it (and SJM, as per usual) but I am happy that I read it and I’m thrilled to see that she is improving on some things. slowly. not quick enough.

detailed review below the cut

starting with the things I didn’t like about it because there aren’t very many:

i have my usual qualms with SJM. those haven’t changed. but there wasn’t a “killing calm” and the boob talk was limited to the first half (mostly) of the book which I appreciated. there was still no gays. every single one of the priestesses that got described was described at pale. her diversity isn’t any better and she needs to be aware and listen to her fans.

I wish we’d gotten more of cassian’s perspective in the first little bit (like first hundred pages). it felt like that dragged a bit, which might have been a style choice because that’s where Nesta was at mentally, but I didn’t love it.

There wasn’t enough Mor. making a character come out and then promptly sending her off to a foreign land is lazy and pandering. also one of Nesta and Mor’s only interactions being Nesta getting weirdly jealous for no reason was gross and uncalled for and no. if Nesta believed that she didn’t deserve cassian, she should be happy that he has another woman in his arms and punish herself with the image. that’s how that motivation base works. you don’t just get jealous weirdly one time and then never have it come up again.

I fundamentally do not believe that SJM is going to kill any member of the court permanently, so the whole storyline about Feyre and Rhys and Nxy and everything fell flat. Rhys is SJM’s favourite and Feyre is her self insert and I just don’t think that she’s going to kill them. Not that I want them to die because I don’t (even though I don’t like Feyre, I think she does bring something to the story) but I just wish that I felt the stakes and that SJM would kill some people.

NOW FOR THE THINGS I DID LIKE BECAUSE I AM SURPRISED THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE

sjm needs to stay in new adult fantasy. her smut is SO MUCH BETTER when she doesn’t need to come up with creative ways to say dick. also she can have actual smut dialogue so it isn’t just hanging dialogue tags without the filthy talk attached that sound awkward and animalistic and it’s just all. so. much. better. I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS DEVELOPMENT YOU HAVE NO IDEA

also the smut was good. just generally good. I didn’t feel like there was too much of it. consent was a thing without it being like ‘loOk fOlKs tHiS iS cOnSeNt’ which was better. have I read better fanfic smut? absolutely. but also this is a published book and there are different rules and I overall really liked it.

the lack of feyre was wonderful (stans don’t come for me). she is a fine character but I don’t think she’s interesting and I don’t like her relationship with Rhys and I think they are kinda boring together (despite the fact that Rhys is fascinating. that’s how boring Feyre is. she sucks the life out of rhys) so I was happy that we had some space from her. also Nesta needed that space and Im happy she was given that.

im very very happy that it was in third person and not first. that’s purely personal preference but I don’t enjoy first person. maybe that’s part of why I don’t like feyre? idk

it didn’t feel like fake girl power. as much as i love the tog series, there were a lot of moments that felt like pandering. nothing in here felt like pandering and i really really liked that. the whole blood rite thing was well set up and well executed and it wasn’t just “hey girls are as good as boys!”

nesta is super interesting. cassian is super interesting. i love a reverse slow burn. their relationship isn’t perfect but it’s good and I genuinely like it. I could have done without the mating bond but it actually had a purpose. it wasn’t just ‘ah they like each other so they are now mates’. like there was plot around it. which we love. that is definitely an improvement.

the little moments we get of azriels inner thoughts (like the thing about his scarred hands while holding the baby) made me HURT A LOT but it was really good and i’m hoping we get another book about him and elain? because the subtext is there. im annoyed that the subtext is there but it’s there. I don’t love the three brothers getting paired up with the three sisters because heteronormativity and i hate predictable relationships. but they do seem like they’d be relatively compatible. maybe. and i’d like to see a relationship that goes against the mating bond

Emerie is a baby sunshine sweetheart that needs to be protected at all costs and I did not miss her queer subtext and maybe that’ll happen??? i just really hope it isn’t her x Gwyn because that would break up the sisterhood. maybe her x Mor? also GIRL GET YOUR WINGS FIXED YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD ONTO THE SCARS

speaking of GWYN IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I CANNOT SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS ABOUT HER

eris is everything????? he’s definitely one of the coolest antiheros i’ve read in a long long time. I really wanna know what the real story is with Mor. I hope we get more of him.

I was very happy that this book didn’t end with another surprise army. she did it twice. twice was too much. she’d better not do that again. but this one was good and I was surprised (which rarely happens with her books) so that was nice.

i’m glad nesta didn’t win the blood rite. it was so much better to have her stand in the pass. like yes that was such a good plot choice.

I feel like her actual writing itself has improved. this feels like a stronger book and a stronger story and I am weirdly proud of SJM which I lowkey hate myself for saying but it’s true.

so there we have it, folks. 4/5. not bad.

#acosf review #acosf spoilers #a court of silver flames #millllennia review #stans stay away

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originalcontent · 4 years

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wolf 359 for 6 characters! eiffel, minkowski, lovelace, kepler, jacobi, and hera!

My my my. Wolf 359. It has been a while.

Push off a cliff: Kepler. I know he had a redemption at the end or whatever but also fuck that guy, you know?

Kiss: Hera. I’m not particularly attracted to any of these characters, but I would definitely kiss a computer terminal or a space station or something. (fyi I don’t do humanized Hera’s, not really into that.)

Marry: Minkowski. She is the only one of these characters who could actually handle a long term relationship. I’m not a very organized person, so we might clash a bit insofar as lifestyles, but I think we’d be able to find an equilibrium. I think a relationship with her would be nice but also very lowkey, where we do our own things and then that evening have dinner together and the most dramatic it would get would be when I’d listen to her bitch about her coworkers and provide a sympathetic shoulder. Also she would literally never volunteer information about me to anyone else unprompted, which is nice.

Set on Fire: Jacobi. Look I love Jacobi, but it’s not like this would be the first time he was set on fire, he knows the drill, he’d be fine. (And even if he wasn’t, if we’re being entirely honest he’s technically a Bad Person who Probably Deserves It.)

Wrap a Blanket around: Eiffel. Again out of all the characters I think he’s the one who has had the most literal problems with cold. Also he’s been through so much.

Be Roommates with: Lovelace! She has a sense of humor that would probably be fairly compatible mine. She’s definitely the kind of roommate who would drag me along with her every time she did something fun, which might be a bit annoying but also I would always be ultimately grateful for it. Also any time something broke down in the house she would fix it herself but also teach me how at the same time, which would be useful and also save on utilities.

Send me six characters.

#ask game #thank you!#that was fun #wolf 359 #hahaha like i said it's been a while #yeah. no this one was actually pretty easy. i was really not conflicted about most of these.#sorry jacobi :p but also that option was MADE for him #fyi my favorite character is hilbert which should tell you just about all you need to know insofar as my taste in characters #thank you for not sending him tho because i would want to do literally none of these things with him #kepler is.....nghh i feel the last minute turnaround didn't work for me #maybe if he hadn't been so purposefully cruel on so many other occasions #but i could never like him #greatshell-rider

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remuswriting · 4 years

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Sugarawa x Remus self-ship ‘hcs’

List of questions can be found here

I am sad and needed something to help cheer me up, so I did this.

You’re totally welcome to ship us if you’d like.

1. Where was your first date?

All of my first dates I’ve gone on were out to eat and were so boring because the energy was so awkward. I planned all those dates, so he probably took control over this one. We probably go on a picnic date in a park that I really like.

2. Who normally plans the dates?

Him 100%. We were definitely friends before we started dating and he knew I’d get overwhelmed and just make napping a date

3. What type of dates would you two mostly go on? Do you guys have a “date spot” ?

We like to do pretty interactive dates, so ones where you’re not sitting in a restaurant. Maybe going to bookstores and picking each other out a book. Or maybe movie night but we go to a movie rental shop to get the movie, popcorn, and candy. Our ‘date spot’ isn’t really definitive, but we probably end up going to the park the most.

4. What kind of date do you think the both of you would enjoy together the most? Why?

Interactive dates like I said above. I know all dates are quality time with someone else, but ours kind of intensify it. Our dates require us to be more alone together, even in a bookstore we end up back together in the end and then maybe go read at our park. Just spending time together outside of the house and also being alone at the same time.

5. How do you think your friends would feel about them being your bf/gf/partner?

I actually asked my best friend this question because she also watches Haikyuu and she said she’d be shocked. She’d be extremely happy for me, but shocked that I managed to actually talk to him. My other friends would be okay with him; he and I are pretty similar, so they’d think it was a good match.

6. How do you think their friends would feel about you?

I think Daichi and Asahi would like me because we were already friends before. I’m not sure who all he stays close friends with after high school, but I doubt any of the Karasuno boys would hate me. Noya and Tanaka may be very wary of me because they obviously love and care about Sugawara. Kageyama and Tsukishima would literally not care, because it’s not their relationship.

7. Who would most likely help the other study when they’re struggling in a class?

He would definitely have to help me. Struggling in a class doesn’t really mean I’m bad in it but that I just can’t concentrate. I am shit about math and science, but I could make pretty good grades if I was able to just focus on studying. Suga would definitely help me focus though, because studying with other people always helps me.

8. How would you know them? ( ex: same homeroom, same route to school, etc.)

I’ve put so much thought into this. It would be freshman composition 1, which means we’re freshmen in university. I’m sitting alone, way too early to class because it’s the first day, and Sugawara decides he will sit next to me, even though there are tons of empty chairs. He decides to ask me what I’m doing on my computer because ‘you’re typing a lot’ and I tell him I’m writing. Every day he asks me to tell him a new thing about what I’m writing, and we end up pairing up for a group project and become friends.

9. What do you think your first impression of them would be?

Definitely ‘holy shit he is so pretty, why is this really beautiful guy so pretty’ and then he talks to me and I’m really trying to hold in my gay panic because ‘even his voice is pretty, I have never seen a man as pretty as this one.

10. What do you think their first impression of you would be?

Probably thinks I’m shy (I’m kind of am but not really) and thinks it’s cute how flustered I get when he starts talking to me.

11. Who’s more awkward in the relationship?

Me. I’ve been in a lot of relationships, but they were all disasters, so I’d be pretty awkward because I’m not exactly sure on what to do.

12. Who initiates verbal affection more?

Me. I’m not very touchy, even in relationships, and my love language is heavy on words of affirmation.

13. Who initiates physical affection more?

Suga. I think he’s more into PDA to show his love. We’d probably come up with a compromise, because I’ll do PDA but physical touch cause me a lot of anxiety at times.

14. Who gets more embarrassed by verbal affection?

I think we’d both get embarrassed when receiving it, but he’d also get embarrassed when saying it while I wouldn’t. Even though verbal affection is my love language, but I still get embarrassed when receiving it (attention can make me embarrassed in general); I’m super confident at giving it.

15. Who gets more embarrassed by physical affection?

Me. I’ve already said it can give me anxiety and that’s the main reason why I’d get embarrassed.

16. How well do you think your music tastes would mix? Would they like the music you listen to? Would you like the music they listen to?

I have absolutely no clue. Sugawara doesn’t seem like the kind of person who listens to sad music on repeat. He’s into more of Disney and anime openings/endings. I wouldn’t have any problems listen to what he listens to, I just hate country music.

17. Who is the one more likely to keep the other in check? ( ex: keeping up with studies, making sure the other isn’t skipping class, etc.)

He definitely always having to keep me in check. I struggle with depression, which has made me skip 3 weeks of class before. His way of keeping me in check would be to schedule breakfast/lunch dates on campus, so I feel like I have to go to class to tell him about my classes.

18. How similar are your personalities?

We’re pretty similar. He’s more affectionate than I am with people. I come off as pretty aggressive and cold, but I do care about those around me. So, we’re both fairly caring and like to help others, but we’re both extremely chaotic. I’m pretty sure I’m more chaotic than he is. He likes to ensue chaos amongst people while I’m the person who sits in the middle of campus at 2am and campus police have to ask if I’m okay.

19. How compatible are your mbti’s?

I’m an INTP and he’s an INFJ. I looked up the compatibility and it says it’s pretty strong. I’ll just believe the internet.

20. How compatible are your zodiac signs?

I think zodiac signs are really stupid, so I don’t really care about this one. I’m a Taurus and he’s a Gemini. I have like 3 friends who are Gemini and we get along just fine. I think personality type is more important than zodiac sign.

21. Who would be the tattoo artist and who would be the florist?

Neither. Sugawara is a barista at the only coffee shop that serves gluten free lemon cake near campus. I’m the creative writing major, who is working on his huge project, that comes in every day he works. I also definitely messed up my order the first time I saw him.

22. How big is the height difference?

He’s 5’8” and I’m 5’1” so seven inches.

23. How would you describe your first kiss?

I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret; all first kisses suck. Never base if you’re going to date someone because of a first kiss, because it is always awkward and lowkey sucks. Our first kiss would be awkward, we definitely knocked noses and he had to grab my face to kiss me. The kiss itself wasn’t bad, the entire experience was awkward though.

24. Would you confess first, or would they? How would it have gone?

Sugawara confessed first because I literally don’t know how to. He was at my apartment studying while I was writing and I asked if I could read out some dialogue for him because I didn’t know if it was any good. He then just said “I really, really like you” and I was like “Cool, I like you too, now can I read out this dialogue?

25. Do you think they’d be good at your love language?

I have multiple love languages, I tied in all three of these; Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Acts of Service. They end up tying into some of my mental illness, so they all really make sense for me.

I truly know that he would be good at my love language(s). Spending quality time together is already a common thing for us and we tell each other we love each other all the time. He praises me when I do good on things and just makes sure I know he loves me. Acts of Service isn’t a love language that I am always in need of. It’s mainly for when I become depressed to where I can’t really function like I typically do, and he helps me where he can. When I need that type of love language, I don’t really want any words of affirmation because it causes me to feel guilty. But him coming over (or home) and cleaning up the place before laying next to me and telling me about his day is something that would mean the world to me.

26. What do you think their love language is, and do you think you’d be good at it?

I firmly believe this man’s love language is physical touch. I would do my best at it. I may not do it all the time, but there would be times I would just know to do it because he needed it and that’s all that matters to me. Over time I think I’d get better at it, but it could take years for me to get to a point where I was ‘good’ at it.

27. Why do you think they fell for you?

I don’t 100% know. I know we’d be good friends, but something probably happened to make him realize he liked/loved me. It was probably something of he was sad and texted me he couldn’t come over, but I ended up at his doorstep with his favorite food and his favorite chick flic saying that we were going to have the best night ever.

28. Why do you think you’d fall for them?

I fall extremely fast in relationships, it’s really sad to be honest. He would make me laugh and happy. Suga would definitely be supportive when I come out to him and told me he’d never see me differently no matter if I was trans or not. Him being so accepting would probably make me fall in love with him.

29. Are there any songs that remind you of your self-ship?

Please Notice (Christian Leave), Into You (Ariana Grande), Lethal Combination (The Wombats), Enchanted (Taylor Swift), Dazed & Confused (Ruel), Sucker (Jonas Brothers), Come Back…Be Here (Taylor Swift)

30. Are there any cliché tropes that apply to your self-ship?

Friends to lovers is the only one I know of. I don’t know a lot about cliché tropes.

31. Who would prefer cooking? Cleaning? Baking? None of the above?

Sugawara would prefer cooking while I prefer baking. Cleaning would just be something we do together because we both have certain ways we clean things and have to work together on.

32. Who takes really aesthetic, elegant photos of the other?

We take turns in a way, but mainly me. I hate getting my photo taken, so I’m taking majority of the photos. He takes really elegant photos of me when I’m not paying attention though.

33. Who takes very unexpected, unflattering photos of the other?

Both. We’ve made it into a competition of who can get the worst one. I’m winning with the high quality people where I’m sitting on his seat, my eyes/forehead in the photo, while he looks atrocious because of the angle.

34. How would your (future?) careers work together? Would your schedules clash, or sync well?

I truly hate this question, because I don’t know what career I’m going to have. I’d love to work in a publishing house, so we’ll go with that one. Sugawara is an elementary school teacher, as you may already know because of time skip. Our schedules alignment would change pretty regularly depending on the project I have, but I’m always home to tell him to go to sleep and he can finish grading papers in the morning. He refuses my help on grading because he says I’d be too intense on third graders.

35. Who would suck at games?

I’m assuming this means videogames and I straight up just don’t play any video games. I’m pretty good at board games (besides Monopoly because I’ve never played it) and would destroy him at Clue.

36. Who would let the other win at games?

Neither. We’re both pretty competitive. He gets pissed because I keep winning at board games when I barely even pay attention to the game though.

37. Who is messier?

Me. I’m the kind of person that has a clean room before I wake up and suddenly it’s destroyed because I got ready.

38. Who would propose? Would either of you want marriage in the future?

Sugawara would 100% want to get married, but I’m pretty hesitant because of my past relationships and just view on marriage as a whole. I’d most likely marry him, but that would be a huge talk. He’d also be the one to propose and it was a huge proposal where we literally go to Disney World to do it. I later tell him that he could’ve asked me while we were watching Bones and I would’ve said yes.

39. Where would your dream vacation be with your self-ship? What would you guys do?

Disney World and Universal Studios. I want to live out my dream of getting the photographers of me kissing my boyfriend at Disney World and buying Hogwarts stuff at Universal. He’s 100% a Slytherin and I’m a Hufflepuff with Slytherin tendencies, aka best pairing.

40. What are traits you have that would annoy/upset them?

I’m severely pessimistic and lazy. Being lazy would annoy him, but I imagine that my pessimism would eventually piss him off.

41. What are traits they have that would annoy/upset you?

I don’t really know. He seems to be the kind of person that just does everything constantly, and it would annoy me. He doesn’t know how to take a break and relax, which I do way too much of but that’s because I do a lot of stuff at once and then I relax for however long I can. Suga doesn’t know how to do that though. It would just be annoying; it wouldn’t upset me.

42. How often would you guys probably fight? What would they normally be about? Would they be big or small?

I don’t think we’d fight that much, but that’s because I ever get upset enough to actually fight. Sometimes I yell and tell people to actually listen, but that’s the extent of my typical anger. Our fights would probably revolve around unhealthy habits. Probably tells me to stop being pessimistic and I try to explain it’s not that simple, and soon enough there’s a fight. He definitely starts them because I think he’s so much more open about everything he feels compared to me. We never insult each other or anything though, even if it’s a nasty fight. The worst it has come down to was “I don’t want to see your face right now, I’m leaving” and I end up sleeping at a friend’s house. The next day we calmly talk through it and the fight is done.

43. Who would probably get sick more often? Who would baby the other when sick? Who acts like they’re dying when they get a stuffy nose?

He definitely gets actually sick more than I do because my immune system is really good. I tend to not feel good when I’m depressed, I have actually ran a fever because of it, but I’m not actually sick. I don’t baby him at all. My mother is a nurse and the most I was babied was when I was really young and had a severe case of the flu, besides that she sets out medications and tells us to drink water and sleep. I would buy him soup (I have caught soup on fire before) and really cover him with blankets to make sure his fever goes down. I act like I’m dying when I get a stuffy nose though and he just asks my mom want to get and buys it for me.

44. Who has the worst patience? Does the other balance this out?

I have the worst patience out of everyone I know, except my mother (where I got having no patience from). Sugawara has a lot more patience than I do because of being in volleyball and has to constantly tell me that we will get to the counter eventually when I complain that the line is way too slow and my version of Hell is waiting in a line.

45. Which one suggests trips to stores at 3am?

Me. No one is there that late, so it’s the perfect time to go.

46. Who is a morning person? Who is a night person?

He’s a morning person and I’m a night person.

47. Out of the two of you, who would be the one to kill / get rid of the spider?

Me. Spiders don’t bother at all.

48. Who reminds the other of things? ( ex: appointments, tests, etc.)

Sugawara has to remind me of everything. I am overly forgetful and he tells me the night before as well as text me before the appointment. He thought in the beginning of the relationship that getting calls the day before my appointment would truly remind me, but they don’t. I forget what floor my doctor’s office is on and I’ve been going there for years, so remembering appointments is just extremely hard for me.

49. What is the pace of the relationship? ( ex: started dating after a few weeks, takes months/years, act couple like right off the bat, need time, etc?)

I’m not sure if I fully understand this, but he and I were friends for probably months before we started dating. I may have liked him longer, but I’m used to guys not liking me back. He probably liked me for a month and then awkwardly confessed. We immediately started acting a couple once we started dating though.

50. Who said the first “ I love you”? Was it immediately reciprocated, or did the other person wait?

He said it first. It slipped out when he was lying next to me on one of my bad days and was like “I just love you so much.” He didn’t even freeze, at all, and I was pretty quiet because I wasn’t in the mood for talking to begin with. I said it later when he brought me food, and he almost broke a plate in shock.

#sugawara koshi x reader #remy rambles (?)#not sure what to tag this #self-ship #self-shipping #sugawara x remus

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amongwclves-archive · 7 years

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Harry Potter

send me a fandom and i’ll tell you…

the first character i ever fell in love with: it was probably luna lovegood or draco malfoy. like i really don’t remember who i liked as a kid, but i remember falling in love with both of them when i went back and rewatched the first five movies when i frst got into the series hardcore at age twelve. and reading the books only made me love them more.

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: oh geez, i don’t think there are any really?? like all the characters are just so well written and developed. i guess maybe harry but i don’t think there was ever really a time that i super liked him?? i’ve kind of just always been meh about his angsty teenage ass.

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: okay, in regards to fanon ships--- i shipped ginny/draco hardcore when i was a preteen. and now i’m like “why were you so stupid NO”. canon ships--- i’d have to say snape/lilly. i used to be like all of you, i thought it was cutest thing ever. then i realized that no. it stopped being cute like 20 years ago.

my ultimate favorite character™: PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL IS MY QUEEN. but in all honesty i’m draco malfoy trash and we all know it. but also luna lovegood and ginny weasley are my queens and that’s all i’ve got to say to that. i’ve also got a lot of love for narcissa malfoy and bellatrix black; i would love a series about them in their hogwarts days i’m just saying.

prettiest character: we all know i’ve got a major lady boner for tom felton so i have to say draco. but i also have to say hermoine because god damn she grew up into a beautiful young lady.

my most hated character: okay if anyone doesn’t answer this with umbridge or quirrell, i can’t be friends with that person. quirrell just pissed me off to no ends, and i mean, i can see how umbridge was a terrific villain-- but she wasn’t the type of terrific villain you can love. she was such a good villain that EVERYONE hated her. ‘nuff said.

my OTP: OH MAN OKAY HERE WE GO. first off, let’s talk about narcissa & lucius malfoy. i know we don’t really get a whole lot on them, but i love the concept behind them and the relationship i can picture for them. despite both being very cold people, you can tell they love each other so much and it’s beautiful. also, remus/tonks are the loves of my life?? like don’t even get me started i will write a fucking novella. and finally, i just wish ginny/luna would’ve been a thing because that would’ve been adorable as fuck okay.

my NOTP: i repeat, i’m not really into severus/lily. just ask tellie, i went on a tangent about it to her the other night. it was cute in their hogwarts days, but by the seventh book when he’s still in fucking love with her, it’s just like ‘no pls stop’. i also dislike drarry with a passion. all my friends ship it and it’s like “WHAT DO YOU EVEN SEE ABOUT THEM THAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY’RE COMPATIBLE I DON’T GET IT”. i mean i’m not going to tell them not to ship it i just. i don’t understand it myself. there’s gotta me some chemistry (that isn’t completely OOC like the fics my friends have tried to show me) and i just don’t see any between those two.

favorite episode: see below to watch me rant about the movies/books.

saddest death: okay so fun story. i was reading the first book when deathly hallows (the book) came out, and my friend spoiled fred weasley’s death for me. and despite that, I JUST TOOK IT SO HARD?? like i love the twins, and especially reading hc’s about george trying to go on with his life without his other half. it kills me. BUT ALSO TONKS AND REMUS, OH MY GOD. like that one just fucks me up hardcore, especially given they had just had a baby and everything.

favorite season: GOBLET OF FIRE OR DEATHLY HALLOWS. speaking on both the books and movies, those are definitely my favorites. i love goblet of fire ; i love getting to see the other schools, and the whole ‘voldemort coming back’ scene, and just a lot of the smaller stuff that happens in that one. and i mean deathly hallows, holy shit. it was such an epic finish for the series and it was beautiful. and they did such a good job on the movies in my opinion?? like honestly there isn’t a single book/movie in the series i dislike. BUT I’M ALSO SUPER OBSESSED WITH FANTASTIC BEASTS RIGHT NOW IF THAT COUNTS FOR ANYTHING.

least favorite season: i repeat, there isn’t a single book/movie in the series i dislike, so this one is really hard. in the end, for books at least, i have to say order of the phoenix; it took me months to get through that one for some reason? i thought it was because i wasn’t reading anything else at the time and i was just tired of the harry potter world, but when i reread the series i had no issues with it, so? idk. movies wise--- maybe half-blood prince? idk it’s probably the movie i pay the least attention in. or philosopher’s stone. but i love them all so I REALLY DON’T KNOW.

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: oh geez, i don’t think there is one?? i mean i guess harry would be the closest we’d get to a correct answer for this one. again, i don’t hate him, i’m just kind of meh about him and all his angsty teenage chosen one bullshit.

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: lol draco malfoy duh. he sucks but i love him.

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: ginny weasley deserved a better plot than being harry’s love interest bye. i know she’s way better in the books which is probably where my love for her derives from, but idk, i’m never going to be content with how that feels like her most major plot point, especially in the movies. SHE DESERVED BETTER THAN HIS TEENAGE ANGST BULLSHIT FACE BYE. also neville longbottom deserves some more love i’m just saying. AND SIRIUS BLACk. SIRIUS DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE FATE HE GOT.

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: i honestly don’t think i have one?? idk guys apparently i don’t ship weird shit. or i just don’t feel guilty/see why i should feel guilty or something.

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship’: bill/fleur, neville/hannah and molly/arthur. i can definitely see the cute factor in them but it’s not like i go on emotional rampages about them, y’know?

( @loathedlineage sent THIS meme )

#loathedlineage #ᵗʰᵉʸ ᶠᶦʳᵉᵈ ᵃʷᵃʸ | ask box replies #ᶦˢ ⁿᵒ ᵃⁿ ᵉᵐᵒᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᶦ ᶠᵉᵉˡ ᶦᵗ | out of character

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moidse · 5 years

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Okay so, I feel bad like I’m withholding information... I have a lot of insecurities about non-monogamy/poly and I’ve never explained this to you. I just keep noticing a reoccurring anxiety is what if I just can’t do non-monogamy and the negative thoughts and anxieties never fade away? How long am I willing to feel uncomfortable about this? What is my own limit for trying to see if this will work?

[[I have a history of not stating my own boundaries, wants, and needs, in a relationship out of fear of the other person realizing we aren’t compatible and leaving me. I would rather endure a relationship I only kinda am into then be single. I hate the idea of being single. Which is also why i never break up with the other person.

I feel like I date people to prove something to myself... although with the person im with now I think it’s the least like that, I genuinely believe they are a mostly healthy influence, aside from the heavy drinking, in my life. (wait, i kind of am with them to prove i’m not just a fukboi, and also in the beginning i was really trying because i don’t o*** for them and i felt bitter at the idea of this not working out and i dropped my fuk buddy 4 this... but i have ended up catching feelings for them..) Like, it’s been so long I can admit I only was with o**** because I was insecure that with the fact that I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 18. I felt very ashamed that I had only 1 relationship and it was toxic and that was the only person I had had sex with and been in a romantic relationship with. I felt like that in itself was evidence that I am not worthy of love and am hard to love and will be alone forever. That’s definitely a big part as to why I rushed into dating O***. I desperately wanted to be able to say I’ve had a recent relationship. I felt so ashamed to say yeah my last relationship was 5 years ago. I felt like that was evidence that I am not easy to date, i have always carried that knowledge as though it were proof that I’m broken and you probably shouldn’t even try dating me... when it doesn’t necessarily mean that. I live in a smaller city for 1. And I do believe I needed to work on myself to a degree but I’m not broken and unlovable and at a point of no return. Also that person really messed up my self-esteem so I wasn’t ready to date again for a while and that is okay and normal after your first break up. I just have always felt like I should be experiencing more in my love life at the age that I am--- and tbh says who? the colonizer heteronormative agenda? Cuz we all know queer ppl come out at different times and our timelines aren’t the same for what is considered normal... ]]

tbh I have had a history of jealousy and just issues with non-monogamy/poly since I started dating. So, my first relationship that was really bad and emotionally abusive,,, they later admitted to me that they were trying to be extra mean to me near the end to get me to break up with them and part of that extra mean routine was them asking if we could be poly and have the relationship be open... they later admitted to me and said they honestly only suggested that because they thought it would push me to end it... but i didn’t.... there was nothing they could do or say to get me to break up with them... i was already enduring emotional abuse.. I just was naive and set on the idea that we were gonna be together forever no matter what.... anyways, that first relationship started my first issues with being poly.. i was desperately convinced for so many years that I would end up back with this abusive person... we used to talk about trying it again... we were lowkey on and off for years... whenever they’d come back to dayton I would sleep with them and desperately wish and hope they’d take me back/even wanted me back... while they were poly and the main issue and excuse as to why we couldn’t be together was that I had issues with them being poly and so if i could just change and be more open minded then we could be together forever which is what my naive brain wanted more than anything.... during those years we were off and on i would creep on their social media and see all the different ppl they dated over the like 4-5 years i was still chasing them hoping we’d be back together... i would compare myself to the other people they were dating and just feel like they were my enemy... they were the reason why this person wasn’t in love with me and back with me... (which obviously now i can see none of this was true, but i was mentally and emotionally stuck on this person from ages like 18 until like now....I still very much so carry a lot of these mentalities) but I just had a very unhealthy POV of the other ppl they were with.. I directed my frustrations towards them when really that person just didn’t love me and i don’t believe they ever did love me... anyways... Ugh I also remember when I would hang with them whenever they’d talk about who ever their partner was at the time it would make me feel so insecure and ruin my fantasy that they were interested in me still or wanted me back... omg typing all of this out.. i can’t believe i did this for years... this is so sad.... I also remember further hating myself when comparing myself to the fact that they had dated countless ppl after me, they basically left me cuz they were into some trans dude, and seeing them on social media go through partner after partner i would constantly compare myself to them and think, how come they’ve had so many partners since we broke up and i’ve literally had none... this was something that ate away at me for years, this was evidence that i suck, im the problem, im not lovable... and it’s def why i was eager to jump into a relationship last year because it was the first time there had been mutual interest in dating since i was 18 and i was 23 and felt so ashamed that i hadn’t even come close to dating anyone since my first relationship....

Then that person I dated was poly too and I wasn’t very honest with them and acted like I was cool with it and then once they said they were going on a date with someone it was clear i was having anxiety panics about it and wasn’t okay with it... I did not do a good job at communicating why I wasn’t okay with it though. That whole relationship had poor communication...

It’s like I understand on paper how non-monogamy makes sense. I understand that people can be in love with multiple people at the same time. But it’s like my emotions, anxieties, and insecurities don’t understand...

I also just am worried like what if I’m just not good at non-monogamy? it’s not like I just naturally one day was like.. ya know what monogamy is stupid and I prefer non-monogamy! ... It was more like, I feel broken and hard to love and like I’m not good enough for anyone... and every single person i have a crush on is non-monogamous ... so .. i guess i’m non-monogam-ish ...cuz i don’t want to be alone... i guess it’s just like I feel so hard to love i wanna prove to myself I can be in a healthy relationship... which I believe I can and I deserve one... I just do not know if non-monogamy is what a healthy relationship for me looks like. I don’t want to be non-monogamist because I don’t want to be alone... that’s just sad....

[[I just have no interest in dating anyone else rn and I think it’s hard for me to understand that you do. I think that’s a big thing. But like, if i was in your shoes and someone i was friends with, like if my one hot friend said they have a crush on me i would be like hell yea let’s see if this can work... it’s like i know if i were in your shoes I would do the same... ]]

it just sucks, my brain will not stop suggesting that you dating someone else means i’m not good enough.

Anytime I even think about the fact you are dating someone else it gives me a lot of anxiety and i quickly try to think about something else and it’s just like... ugh that’s not a good feeling. I get so triggered and feel like i’m lesser than.

I know these thoughts and feelings are just based off my past experiences... but I just have this fear of like what if I’m just not non-monogamous... l’ve never dated someone that was monogamous and I hate the idea that I’m just choosing this to please the other person because that is what i am doing right now at least...

[[I feel like when I move to a bigger city being non-monogamous would make more since to me maybe... idk .. i haven’t had many relationships... i’ve never been dating someone and wanted to be with someone else... i feel like i can be very comfortable with just 1 person and i don’t need more... but i understand the idea of something falling into your lap and wanting to explore it... ]]

I think I could be non-monogamous, we just need to talk about so much more and I always feel anxious thinking about you dating someone else because I have not shared with you my past consistent issues with non-monogamy and i’m not sure how you’ll react...

From my last email you acknowledged you assumed I was fine with non-monogamy and you should’ve opened up a conversation-- and i agree i wish that would’ve happened-- and i guess this is me trying to open up this conversation because this stresses me out most days and I need this conversation to be open.. I just feel so insecure and my anxiety is awful and i feel like everyone knows im insecure about this and it’s fucking with me

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aizenat · 5 years

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Yesterday was my friend’s wedding and it was actually really beautiful and sweet and fun. Despite all my bitching the entire time about what an inconvenience it was, there is something really nice about being chose to have been a part of it.

Sappy shit aside, so the dude I was walking with is my ex/friend from hs. We dated for like a week, and it was funny because we sat at the same table. My mama and his mama were at the table too, and I didn’t know she got invited. And this other kid I hung out a few times that my friends are friends with was there.

Anyway, my ex is, like, funny as hell. He’s a good time. There’s a reason I liked him and men/boys have NEVER impressed me. And we hadn’t seen each other in like ten years, so we easily fell into old habits. Old habits being me ragging on him (first and foremost him missing the rehearsal lol), and him just being goofy about it.

Anyway, the other kid kept making remarks like “awww, you two are so precious” and giving this look like we should hook up. Which, I though the kid knew I was gay, but I guess not? And I’m like looking at him like “chill” and he keeps going on about how we’d be a cute couple. The worst part is my ex’s mama was smiling watching us, and so I’m like “yo, don’t even put that in her head!” Smh. And my ex knows I’m gay so he was asking about it, and I did say that, honestly, if I wasn’t, I would absolutely be into to getting with him. BUT I’M GAY.

But it lowkey fucked with me because that’s the sort of thing that drives me crazy. My ex is actually really dope, and considering how there was still that ease and spark between us, he and I would probably be married by now if I didn’t break it off. Because it felt WRONG. Because even though he’s perfect in every other way, he’s a guy. And that was the problem. And that’s so weird to me. How he’s literally my dream guy if I could be with guys.

Anyway, he was cool about it, But, like, I think being at a wedding seeing everyone celebrate this straight love made those typical lesbian insecurities pop up. What was even weirder was me and my ex had a heart to heart because I thought he was dating some girl all this time. And it turns out he wasn’t, she’s legit his friend (I assumed he would call her his friend when really they’re “friends”), and is only into white guys or some weird shit lol. But he was talking about how he hasn’t really dated seriously because he still lives at home with his dad, and he felt like he wasn’t “worthy” of being worth a woman’s time.

And that shit fucked with me because that’s how I’ve been living all this time too. Like, I claim to be so comfortable in my sexuality, but one meeting with my ex has me just in my FEELINGS. And even then, I don’t date. I don’t put myself out there. I don’t make an effort. And I have a million and one excuses not to: I live at home, I wouldn’t be able to bring a woman home (because I don’t even think about if she could bring ME home), I don’t have a car, I don’t have a lot of money to treat a girl, etc, etc. Like, I get all in my head about not being “good enough” that I write myself off before I can start. I always do that in general with shit, but it’s crazy how I’m doing it with dating.

And there’s a part of me that also feels like it’s further proof how compatible me and my ex are that we have both been doing the SAME THING in terms of our dating lives (or lack thereof). And that insecurity comes back.I’m going to journal about this later to work through it, but I’m just all up in my feelings lol. That impostor syndrome shit settling in real thick.

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