dear--charlie

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I haven’t written in years and years. I’m 23 now, and I’m with a woman who has cheated on me with more than 3 people. I am weak to say the least. I love so hard and so fully yet healthily by not needing and always support and enforce one having their own life as well as me having my own and being my own person. We are a beautiful bonus, not a necessity. Somehow in this relationship, I’ve been so fried psychologically that I’m now here in love with someone who doesn’t do that stuff anymore, but hating myself. Im so deeply sad and now guilty for what I’ve let myself get to by reacting to the years of mental torture. Im sorry for anyone who feels lonely. Im thinking of you

L

#dear charlie #L

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

03/01/24

Today would have been her birthday but she’s not here anymore, just want to tell her to have a happy birthday and I miss you so much. You are always present in my heart heart love you!

-MS

#dear charlie #MS

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Hey, it’s been a while. Life has been…not great. And now I feel like I’ve been thrown for another loop. Despite my best efforts, I’m in love with my ex.

I just want to be friends. I know that I can’t give them what they want. They’re poly, I’m not. I want marriage and kids, they don’t. I’m in love with them and at best, they care about me platonically. I’m not mad at them. I get it. I just wish these feelings could go away so I could be normal about it.

Maybe I should just give them some space, let the friendship fade. Maybe that would be better for both of us. But I can’t seem to stay away. I guess this makes us not so different, Charlie. We’re both in love with someone we can’t have.

All the Best,

A. R.

#dear charlie #A. R.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I feel like I may have fucked up a lot of things, and for some reason I cant stop. Lost my bf, childhood best friend, and now my new best friend. I really miss him tbh, but it’ll be fine. I think the only way I can fix things and bring some form of balance to my life is to just ghost everyone. I think a lot of things would’ve been better for everyone had I just left every single person I know alone. There has to be something wrong with me, even when I try to be better somehow I find a way to ruin any connection I have to people. The only way out is stop connecting. There’s no point anyways, I dont want to talk to anyone I dont want to tell people things anymore I want to just be alone forever. I need a break from life, sometimes existing is too much like sometimes I feel a little too alive or a little too emotional. Probably cause I feel everything intensely, even when I feel nothing I feel like in absolute. Its horrible how quickly things can turn. My mind is not somewhere I want to be, and its sad how much my brain hates me. I dont have anyone around anymore, and its all my own fault. Maybe I should just move on from everything and everyone. I think there’s something about being alone that I love though, maybe that’s why I do things that push people away. So that no one needs me around, im not reliable for a reason. This letter is all over the place im sorry. I just want a break from everything like just one little break. I’ll deal with it at some point but I just cant anymore I dont want to. As bad as life was this time last year I would go back to it all at least I always knew what to expect. Now its just non stop change and im not ready for it. As bad as he was at least I had someone. The best thing to do is just detach for a little while. I dont know how long, but I know I need to just leave everything. Its just scary to be by myself , no one has ever been crueller to me than I have.i keep trying to cry but I just cant. I dont know what’s wrong with me like how did this all happen when did I change and how did I not see it happen. The thing is does it really matter? Like does anything even actually matter? No one actually cares so what does anything matter?  

Lately ive been feeling nothing and I cant cry anymore. I just feel nothing but not numb but numb in a way idk how to explain it. Maybe I just need time to myself, away from people. The thing is I dont like myself. I dont want to be alone but I cant stand being around people. I want to be left alone but I hate myself. No winning I suppose. Its weird how much I wanted to end my life before and now I just live with the self hate lol. My eating disorder is back like completely. Funny thing is now that I look like I did before, my mom said that I finally look like myself again. That made me laugh. Thing is lately thoughts of bulimia have been in my mind. Like if I eat something then I think I could just throw it up and it’ll be like it never happened. Isn’t having a sick mind the best? 

love, 

s<3

Ps. Thank you for always listening.. I know in some other reality we’re friends, and im telling you this over ice cream. unfortunately, in this one you are somewhere I dont know, and I am too. love u.

#s<3 #dear charlie

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It’s been a handful of years since I’ve written you. So much has changed, so many pieces of my being are gone, or developed into something entirely unrecognizable. My 16 year old self would be in awe of my 25 year old self.

I’m not where I want to be, by any means, but to be brutally honest I didn’t plan on being alive after 18. So being 25 kind of feels like a fever dream sometimes. I struggle a lot still with things, but have learned how to cope and deal with things as they come.

I no longer think about ending my life because honestly, I’ve had so many people around me do so, and felt so much grief and questioning and regret from their deaths… I couldn’t do that to the people who love me. And I know there’s a lot of them.

I went through my deepest heartbreak last year, and am still dealing with sorting through the emotions left over from what once was a relationship formed in the cosmos. I still have to remind myself daily that he isn’t what is meant for me, because holy hell, if anything ever felt right in this life it was him. But 6 months have passed now since he left and there’s no coming back from what we went through.

I know I am surrounded by love even if it isn’t romantically, and for that I am grateful. Thank you for being here for the highs and the lows, thank you for being a reminder that it’s okay not to always be okay.

I’m grateful for this life now and that’s not something I could always say. Every ounce of pain is worth feeling if it means something. Every ounce of pain is worth feeling if it means there’s a tomorrow.

Much love to you, and everyone reading this-

Mar

#dear charlie #Mar

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

always so much to say but no where/one to go to except here

love,

s<3

#dear charlie #s<3

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Hi friend, Its been a while.

I hope you're doing well, its been a while since i wrote to you. Whatcha say? Its been since 2014? Damn it really has been a while. i guess if im being completely honest....its because i got off of tumblr and forgot about this page until i logged back into it to get my writing from highschool. Wow its been since highschool hasnt it? Well for a while there i did  get alot better. i found a groupf of friends i absolutely loved and some of them have even lasted to my mid 20s. But right now i feel like im losing myslef again. and i hate to be the person to only send in a letter to you when i am not feeling myself and when i am getting bad agian. But i am actually reading the perks of being a wallflower which reminded me about tumblr and then when i saw this page i couldnt help myself but to send in a letter. Being an adult is hard friend. harder then i thought at 16-19 when i thought i was becoming an adult by the age of 20 bc it didnt have the teen in it. truthfully i dont know what im doing in life as an adult. I am a kindergarten special ed teacher aid and its been fantastic learning how the other side of it works...But it also been HARD. Its such a hard career and i never picture myself as a specail ed teacher rather then a gen ed teacher but here i am.I been winging it daily because even when i ask for training no one helps.im stress as all fucks becasue i knew teachers didnt make alot BUT I AM MAKING SO LITTLE AT THIS JOB, i was part time at my preschool i was working at before this and was making more each check, my therapist asked me if i regretted leaving and honestly i dont know.but its been stuck in my head since. I do have this amazing boyfriend who supports me in every decsion and loves me to death and i love him we known each other for 10 years just about and we started dating 5 months ago. but sometimes i think my ex bf before this relationship really fucked me up with relationships. I love him and i know he loves me but i question alot like if he actually does love me. which sucks because i wish my brain could realize he does. im exhausted physically and mentally I have a support system and theyve been helping me...but its not enough to feel like i was before i dated him. my ex. and its not enough to help with the constant panic attacks i have again..I been doing so well too.....I got a psych doctor so i can possibly get on medication something i thought i never needed. im just lost at this point and dont know what to do but this is long enough so friend thank you for listening to my rant. i think i might start writing to you again, youve helped me at the worst of times in highschool and i thank you for that and thank you for being there for ppl so they can get things off there chest. btw im going to my dads 3rd wedding next month and thats wild.

Love your friend,

erindinosaur16

#dear charlie #erindinosaur16

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I feel so lonely. I know that I'm only 25 (and soon I'll be 26, and that doesn't feel right), but I also feel like I'm running out of time. More and more of the people my age that I know have gotten married or will be married later this year. And I've been invited to the wedding of a friend that I am honestly happy for and looking forward to seeing, but I noticed that my mood was brought down on the day that I got the invitation. And I didn't think it was related until I was watching a romantic show later in the evening and was brought to tears.

And, to be honest, watching or reading romance stories have always been something I've enjoyed but over the years I've been getting more and more jealous of these fictional characters. And I'm starting to think that maybe I don't enjoy romance stories anymore.

The way that the protagonists pine, and how they are being pined after. The way they see each other's flaws and have the desire to cherish them. The way they want to take care of each other, how they want to see the other happy, how they want so desperately their feelings to be reciprocated all the while they already are... I think these things haven't been making me swoon or feel giddy for the past couple years. They just make me sad. Because I lack them.

I've never even had a partner. I think the only time I had feelings reciprocated was in the 1st grade, and I didn't even know it. We were six, and we called each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," but insisted it was because "he's my friend that is a boy!" and vice versa. We were only six, but he got me a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day. And our mothers took us to Chuck E. Cheese and he gave me all the tickets he won. And it makes me happy that I had someone that liked me that much. But it makes me sad that that's the last romantic gesture I've had. 

And for a very long time, I hadn't even had my first kiss. And I was getting impatient. I always dreamed about what my first kiss would be like. How it would feel like a crescendo. How delicate or rough it would be. Would it be behind the school? Would it be at my doorstep after a date? Would it be at the top of a ferris wheel? Would it be in the rain? But my first kiss was also during my first sexual encounter at 23. And we had only gone on a couple of dates. And afterwards, he ghosted me. I tried to convince myself it was fine; I don't think losing my virginity was this life-changing event (in many ways, I still feel like a virgin), and it wasn't like I was in love with the guy. But I felt played. 

And every single time after the first grade, every single person I've liked has rejected me. And almost all the guys that have shown interest in me have turned around and been cruel once it was clear I didn't reciprocate. Without exaggeration, most of them became red-pilled incels. And it seems that's the main brand of dude that I still attract.

As for women, I haven't been pursued, and I attempted to pursue two. Both were unsuccessful. One even snapped at me. Both were bi, like me, so it wasn't like I was barking up the wrong tree. Both have even been flirty with me. It really seemed like I was getting moves put on me. But both were way more conventionally attractive than me. 

And maybe that's the crux of it. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, to be cared for. Maybe I'm only pretty enough to fuck for one night, to be someone's friend, to harass on the street, to be thought as obtainable by the detestable, to get a swipe to the right on a dating app but no messages.

I just want someone to think I'm worthwhile enough to give all their Chuck E. Cheese tickets to again.

Love,

Maria

#dear charlie #Maria

[dear--charlie]

Sevgili Charlie,

Şimdi bitirirsem dönmem gerekmez, onca yükü taşımam da gerekmez. Bu düşünce beni çok rahatlatıyor ve umursamaz yapıyor, gerçekten ne için yaşadığımı bilmiyorum artık. Yüzüne bakıyorum, en sevdiğim fotoğraflarına, ve artık gülümseyemiyorum, içim hala sevgi dolu olmasına rağmen mutlu hissetmiyorum ona baktığımda. Çok sinirliyim. Çok gördüğü her şey için çok sinirliyim. Sana yazmak istediğimden değil, başka kimse olmadığından buradayım. Üç gündür uyuyamıyorum.

Daima sevgi yazmayacağım, sonsuz sevgi ölümde bile hissettirmiyor artık kendini.

Yemin ederim çabalıyorum.

#dear charlie #sevgili charlie

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I changed, or things changed. I am surprised at how dramatically things have gone the other way. I'm in a totally different place now. I'm not sure if I'm happy. Things feel a little uncomfortable and I am a little sad about the big changes. I feel empty. Gutted, robbed of what I truly wanted. But there are times where I am thankful that things turned out this way. I hope I don't burn too many damn bridges. I did today, and I feel regret, but it HAD to be done. I have to stand up for myself or I will be left out with the dogs. I am NOT going to be treated this way. 

My work life is a mess I guess right now. Home life is getting better. Im just thankful I have a minute even to spend on myself. I'm going to keep going forward. I have no other choice.

Rose

#dear charlie #Rose

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

i wish you would just want to talk to me or call me just show me u even want me around all i feel like i do is bother u i know im the one who fucked everything up it was an accident and if i knew this was how it would turn out i wouldn’t have done it but that’s not something i can change

i guess the only thing i can do now is just let it go completely it’s not like we were ever real friends anyways but it actually hurts a lot and i’m not sure why but ur the only person i want to talk to

i just miss having u around i used to decline ur calls but i’d pick up if u called me right now

love

s </3

#dear charlie #s </3

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I am too ashamed to put my name on this letter, but I think I really need to let this out in my system. Charlie when will i stop begging for people to have time for me, this is so fucking annoying why am i self-pitying is there even a word like this. It’s 9pm AND I RLLY HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THIS EVERY TIME I HATE BEGGING FOR PEOPLE’S LOVE AND ATTENTION I just wanted to stop doing this, when will i ever learn. Charlie how do i get things better how do i stop myself from being like this :(

#dear charlie

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

i think there’s no way back for me anymore. this is -finally- my limit.

Hi, Charlie. It’s been a while. Sorry that i can’t say i miss you bc if i’m here it’s because i’m alone (can’t say “alone again” i accepted my loneliness for good).

I won’t waste your time or waste my worn out words telling you everything since the beginning. Let’s talk about the present and a possible future.

He came back Charlie. He's in the same country as me again. Sooner than I thought. Why is he here? I don't know. For how long? no idea. But l can't sleep. Or doing anything else. My mind is full of him.

So he came back after all this time and I'm terrified that he won't look for me(Or even talk to me). I’m terrified that the reality of the facts crashes me.

I’m so scared. I'm really scared that the truth is that he has really moved on and doesn't think about me anymore.

I try to think that he doesn't owe me anything. Not a conversation, not a visit. And I wanted to think that I shouldn't want to see him. Or be with him again. He ruined me. And he is not the solution to all my problems. But he's still the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about happiness (as if it were possible for me to be happy).

And I miss him. Not the idea of ​​him being in a possible future with me. But I miss his existence in my life. Can this be boiled down to just love?

Anyway, all I wanted to get off my chest is that I've been spending days, nights, early mornings, showers, breakfasts (every part of my shitty days) thinking and imagining a scenario and a possibility of him coming after me. Wanting him to fight for me and not give up on me.

My deepest wish is that he hasn't forgotten me. That there is still a part of him that wants me back. How can I ultimately accept that the only person I desire and believe to be my true love doesn't feel anything for me?

Life has never been easy or fair for me, it's true, so before you ask yourself, Charlie, why I don't just call him and talk? because the idea of ​​being explicitly rejected scares me more than anything else. I have felt implicitly rejected by this situation of him being close to me and not looking for me and that has been enough pain.

And in the midst of all this, to finish this text that I don't even know if you'll finish reading: I had decided to end my life very soon, but this news took me by surprise and messed with my head even more. I've been trying to put an end to it for many years now and I thought the time had finally come. But look how crazy I've reached: I'm placing hope in my life on a person who doesn't even give a damn about me. While this is stupid and foolish on my part, it is a lot of responsibility placed on someone else's shoulders, right?

I’m lost.

That’s it.

thanks for still being here, Charlie,

xx gg

#dear charlie #gg

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

i relapsed again october of 2022, when he hit me the first time.

i thought both things were just a one time thing.

they weren't.

so, now i live 2 double lives - one where i'm hiding that i'm using from him, and one where i'm hiding that he hits me from everyone.

i just want to get better. i want him to be better.

i am exhausted.

#dear charlie

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

i haven’t wrote to you in a while but i feel like i have no one around me to talk to anymore. i’ve been struggling with this for a while now but basically i’ve been with my partner for 3 years. and in those 3 years, i have never said no to what his parents ask of me. any favor they ask, i’ve always said yes. if they need groceries, i’d pick it up. if they needed me to watch their kid or pick them up or take them to school, i’ve always said yes. if they needed help cleaning, i’ve never said no. mind you i have a daughter of my own. who’s 2. her dad works a lot so i’ve always been the main caretaker of her. in those years i’ve never mentioned my mental health or how i’ve been doing, etc. no one has bothered to ask. i moved away with them and further away from my own family. lately, i just started mentioning how i’ve been depressed and overwhelmed and i stopped doing things for them because i felt like no one was checking up on me. i started taking antidepressants again and i’ve been in bed a lot lately. i forgot that i had agreed to watch their kids and all of a sudden, i’m a selfish person and i don’t think about other peoples feelings or do things for others. i feel utterly betrayed and i feel like no one cares about my wellbeing. i also apparently ruined the holidays because i had to go to the hospital because i was vomiting and bleeding when i’d go to the bathroom. so my partner took me to the hospital and it turned out to be the stomach flu. but apparently i took my partners victory in smoking ribs bc he did so much research on it. oh and guess who came to lecture me on it?? my partners father did. he said he wanted to talk but the talk turned into a lecture of him attacking me and calling me selfish and that all i care about is myself. i haven’t been over to their place in a couple of days. but no one comes to ask how i’m doing. they only come to lecture me and attack me.

#dear charlie

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Hi again

I think it's been months or a year since my last letter. it's jan 1 right now, around 1:10 am. i was planning to write in my new planner but i decided to write here instead.

life is good right now. stable yet good. im still with the same guy i met three years ago and we're still in love. we're having an out of the country trip next arch and im so excited, it's my first out of the country trip.

i love my new work, like it's not what im really interested in the first place but it really helped me learn new things. i can see myself in this company for a few years.

my main problem right now is my mother hahaha

i don't think she's planning to let me go. she's been so strict to me lately. like i cant go out freely and she keeps on insisting i have to be at home all week. im so mad at her because she's never like this with my older sister or my younger brother. she's been neglecting me my whole childhood and now she have this rules for me. im almost 26 years old what the fuck hahaha

my partner and i are planning to move out soon. i don't think she's ready yet for that. i don't think she's not yet ready for me to move on permanently. like she's scared that i won't go back. like im not trying to remove myself from her life completely. she's been very rude and stubborn she's making me want to never see her again. 

i'll try to have a better relationship with her and make her understand. right now im just so mad

anyway that's it i hope i'll have a better update next time

thank you for the time, charlie. happy new year. 

galaxies

#dear charlie #galaxies

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I haven’t written in a such a long time. I was so fucking unwell when I used to write to you. I now have a wonderful loving relationship with a girl who treats me like a princess.

What I’m saying is, it does get better. You won’t always feel like you did. I didn’t know if I’d get to eighteen let alone twenty-two, but here we are!

Love always,

Emilee xx

#dear charlie #emilee