#i should probably tell my therapist about this

[theweirdwideweb]

Hello! I would love to hear about your recent adventures in psychedelics, if you don't mind sharing

Took a medium strength dose of mushrooms and when it didn't produce a bigger effect I took stimulants, an entire package of gummies, and some THC drinks. I had a babysitter who had agreed upon a safety plan with me beforehand and I was sneaking around behind their back taking extra drugs without telling them. It's probably the worst thing I've done since I gave up my sobriety at Christmas, not only healthwise but lying to people I love. I'm going sober again and have a plan. 1) If I can't stay sober I can't do EMDR. 2) I need a month sobriety before I start EMDR again. 3) My sister hosts a daily 7am AA meeting which I will be attending for the forseeable future. If none of that should work my therapist has referred me to an outpatient program that specializes in addiction, women, and trauma. Today's literally day 1 for me. Happy Hump Day! Have a great May Day everyone!

[twoheadedfather]

#tw sui ideation #tw suicidal ideation #i should probably tell my therapist about this #remember ing things. need to UP my medication immediately #undescribed #childhood trauma #trauma #suicide #sui thoughts #sui ideation #personality disorders #cluster b #mdd #major depressive disorder #major depression #mental illness #mentally ill #cptsd #complex ptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder

[the-converse-high-top]

this is going to sound really fucked up but i just need to say it i think.

I never realized that people could actually care. I always thought that the depictions of friendship in movies and TV shows were over-the-top portrayals, and weren't things that actually happened. This was then exacerbated by the fact that my entire life I always wanted people to just Know How I Was Feeling like they do on TV and I found out that that's Not How It Works. I always thought I was naive for caring so much about my friends and for doing nice things for them out of the blue, and I always resented myself for resenting my parents for not doing more for me as a child.

So when I got to uni, and my friends started caring about me and asking if I was ok when I looked sad and doing nice things for me, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me in a long time. When I was staying with a friend, and she said that she left the window open in the room I was going to be staying in because I liked it to be cold when i sleep, I bluescreened. I didn't know how to respond. It is quite literally one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. No one had ever paid that much attention to the things I liked. Every year on my birthday it was either a gamble if I would get something I actually wanted from my parents (spoiler alert: I was often disappointed) or I would just have to straight up tell them what I wanted. I got accustomed to the latter, and now I don't mind, but receiving two gifts from friends about languages this year made me realize that I could have it so much better.

And don't even get me started on online friends. I sort of thought that everyone was lying about them? Or that it was something unattainable, and reserved only for God's Chosen Favorites or something. But no, there are little people in my phone who care about me. They legitimately care about me as much as I care about them. I've been nervous to ask them about their well-being because I'm still nervous about being naive and getting a wake-up call that no one cares again, but after being told that they were worried about me when I overslept, I think i should know that I'm in the clear. And that's not even including all the times they tell me to go to bed when it's late, and when they ping me about things I may enjoy or things I was involved in.

All this is to say I guess that I'm touched that people remember my existence. It makes me feel good to be wanted. I will be eternally grateful to both my irl and online friends who made me realize that just because my parents or my friends from home didn't care enough to remember what I like or to go out of their way to do nice things for me, it doesn't mean that no one will. I need to step up and do more for you guys. I trained myself to push down my desire to help and check in with people because I thought I was betting on something that I'd never get in return, but now I know I can.

Thank you all, and I love you 💚

#uf this is a long one sorry 😅 #i put it under a cut so it wont clog up your dash #btw if you are an online friend and you do something nice for me #what you arent seeing is me squealing and crying and bluescreening before giving your message a heart emoji and possibly the 🥹 emoji #the 🥹 emoji to me is a dear friend #🥹 to me in the context of accepting nice things means that im basically already crying #i am so incredibly appreciative of you all #i will not stop saying it #and i need to say it more to my irls faces #if you know me irl and you see this expect me to tell you very soon that i fucking love you #and if youre an online friend and you have vagueposted about something happening to you since ive met you #you may or may not get a message about it (depending on how chicken i am) because i fucking care about your well-being goddamnit #idk idk idk i just #it still amazes me that this isnt fake #that you actually care #i keep thinking that ill say something wrong or whatever and ill lose it all #but in the back of my mind i know that isnt true #i should probably be telling all this to a therapist but therapy is expensive and posting online is free #there was something else i wanted to say but i forgor so ill edit and add it when i rember #ok to rb #long post #personal

[milfsloverblog]

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m madly in love with Jane Murdstone, both Gwen’s version and the book version, and I’m not sure what that says about me but- 😀

#should I tell my therapist about this #probably #she’ll add this to the mommy issues page in my file #gwendoline christie #jane murdstone #personal rambling

[blatantlyhidden]

.

#tw trauma #venting #i know it's been over two years now and i should probably stop thinking/talking about this #but i can't get over how my ex behaved towards me despite knowing my past and trauma #how he kept pushing my boundaries and making me feel bad for even setting them despite very well KNOWING my reasons #like this dude KNEW about my past and STILL behaved this way #how he wanted me to “get help for my issues” but only as a disguise to get what HE wants #telling me that if i didn't get a therapist within the next year he'd break up #i forced myself to do things i never wanted and now deeply regret #i set a boundary and could watch it being ignored weeks later #when i broke up with him he wished terrible things for me and told me to fuck myself #and even after that he kept on trykng to contact me on every possiblr social media months after #last time he contacted me was in july this year.....we broke up OVER 2 YEARS AGO #i'm glad i left but i have so much unresolved shit that i just cannot let it go #like that shit sits deep #this is so much oversharing i'm so sorry #will probably regret posting this and delete but i had to get it out #can't keep annoying my friends with this #again sorry

[oscill4te]

damn the family event i was supposed to go to today was canceled and it is bittersweet. Like I really didn't wanna go bc i am still not over everything, and seeing them always sets me back really bad. but damn, this family is so dysfunctional. everyone single family member just bailed or ghosted for different reasons. its kinda sad. I always feel as if I am the person who broke the family facade too. I bailed the last 2 years on this event too. so it is double ouch.

#gonna go uh. process things I guess. #like ;-; i was kinda hoping to see my sisters and aunt. moms okay. i mostly just didnt want to see my dad... #i scare my dad. he is scared of me. he turns all red and avoidant. i dont know why. #okay i do know why but its so complicated. he read through my diary when i was at work once #i fucking hate him for being such a control freak but i am just like him i guess #and lets just say; what he read probably has changed his view of me forever #i should be allowed to uncover repressed memories in privacy without family members reading it... #and i am allowed to have whatever pain i have about those things that happened... #i hate him for reading through my things #i am allowed to stumble and make mistakes and it was confirmed by my sister that it did happen so... #i am allowed to have feelings about it even if it is over reacting in others eyes and express it privately in my diary #i dont remember what i said in the note bc he took it. he wildly misinterpreted it too #he thinks i think he is a predator. no!!!! i dont think that!!!! im just hurt by weird things he has done #this stupid entry i wrote ruined our relationship but he shouldn't have read it #that note was only for me and potentially my therapist #and he never even talked to me about it. thats the worst thing. he sent my mom to talk to me about it #and he misinterpreted it so badly. bc theh both speak different languages and #the things my mom was telling me.. i was like.. i did not say those things... wtf #horrible game of telephone #txt

[theygender]

This has been on my mind for weeks and I talked to my therapist about it today and told my girlfriend about it too so now it's time for me to update the gay people in my phone: I may have schizotypal personality disorder

#this is like the equivalent of telling the bees to me #rambling #like ive been thinking about ever since i learned that autism shares a lot of similarities with schizophrenia and looked into that #and then learned about negative/cognitive symptoms and realized i related a lot to them #and then i learned more about schizotypal personality disorder and it was fuckin scary how much i related to it #what with the magical thinking and the severe social anxiety that doesnt go away when i get to know someone #and the ideas of reference and the eccentricity and the communication difficulties and the strange thought patterns #and then i specifically learned about avolition as a negative symptom which describes the exact thing thats ruining my life rn #and. i was scared to talk to my therapist about it bc i was worried it could be used against me somehow #but it was good to talk it out with her and get some additional perspective on whats going on in my brain #and if it means i could maybe possibly work on fixing the avolition and the social anxiety (my two biggest issues for years) #then it would be 100% worth it tbh. and its also kind of helpful to have some sort of framework to understand whats happening in my brain #funnily enough when i told my girlfriend (who was previously mis?diagnosed with schizophrenia and considering autism) #about it she related a lot too. so i guess we'll see how that goes #its. crazy how much of an overlap there is between schizospec orders and autism #i feel like i might should write up a post going into detail about different schizospec disorders to raise awareness #bc like. it is so much more than just hallucinations and delusions #in fact its not even required to have both of those for any schizospec disorder. some only require one and others dont require either #there is so much to the schizophrenic spectrum that i was unaware of and I'm sure that's probably true of other people too

[mxliv-oftheendless]

How do I be civil and polite to someone despite never wanting to initiate any sort of conversation ever again with them…

#i know some of y’all will tell me ‘fuck em you don’t owe em shit’ #and I appreciate that I really do #but also I’m really trying to be a version of myself I approve of and this is the best I can come up with at the moment 😭 #i am struggling #dumb I know #my therapist is probably so sick of hearing about this person and this whole situation lollll #i should send her a thank you card for putting up with me #random thoughts are random

[advisorsage]

I think I've fucked up

#i ranted to my girlfriend and i know she probably is just busy but my brain is screaming that i made her upset even though.. #my rant was about my own situation and how i feel about it and then i apologized for complaining at her and said that i wasn't supposed to #and I'm worried she thinks she's not supposed to complain to me when i just meant that i don't like telling people about my shit #and i know she said i could tell her and that she wants to support me but she and my boyfriend are my first relationships #and i don't want to fuck up and i think i have and i haven't told my boyfriend about my diagnosis yet #and I'm scared I'll complain at him too when i tell him and i don't care that he's told me i can and should complain to him #i don't want to saddle them with my complaints #and i called out of work because of how I'm feeling from my diagnosis and that's what i ranted to my girlfriend about #and i'm terrified she doesn't want to date me anymore because my reaction to being diagnosed with one more thing is so fucking pathetic #and i just need to cry and scream and throw up and i can't do any of those things and i feel like everyone except her is telling me #it's no big deal when it is a big deal and i don't think i got it through to my therapist and I'm just freaked out and i don't want to cling #and and and I'm just. i hate existing right now #i feel like i shouldn't do what i want to at home because i called out from work and i know that's stupid but i don't feel like i deserve #nice things right now despite needing them and I'm just so tired but not sleepy and i feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and #i can't even do anything about it! #fuck #i fucked myself over basically #anyway #drink water you heathens

[paintwatermug]

Werid but... Comforting dream?

last night I had a dream that there was a monster who killed anyone he heard or saw move and he went to the school I was in and we all froze, and i was trembling and fell because I was mid step, and he didnt kill me and he just looked at me, and said 'why would i kill you?' and I cried and beged for him to kill me, and he just said "your unwell, I wouldn't do that.' And I screamed and cried, and he said, "You'll feel safe, eventually. " and left.

#90% sure my therapist is a dream demon who did this #or im being reverse haunted #mildly concerned by the possibility my brain thought thats what I needed #I probably should tell my therapist about that #werid dream

[skyllion-uwu]

My mom was telling a story about a senior dog getting adopted and dying after a month and I teared up but still couldn't cry and she told me to not cry but then I said I needed a cry and she said "Oh okay maybe that's a good thing in that case". Then my dad made fun of me by being like "It's not a Pixar movie" Dude I haven't even cried at the Up opening that means something is fucked! Shut up and let me cry!

Also my mom and Veronica were talking and my mom said something about how she'd always love both of us no matter. Is that a sign I should talk to her about what happened

#micas trauma shit #im not mentioning on vacation for sure but i dont wanna hurt her #she hates lying. i basically lied by hiding the social media accounts since i was 12 #and its very similar to her own trauma. but at the same time i want to let it out so it stops eating me up #like i was pretty good today but the random manifesting and noticing im more closed off is horrible #and i would like to cry and for her to hug me and assure me its okay and shes not mad at me for not telling #i should probably talk to my therapist about how to best approach but i also wanna yell it out as soon as i get home you know #ugh i shouldve been given future vision powers so i know how to best handle this #tw animal death #sky vents like amogus #gonna add both tags i think

[prismatoxic]

bpd is super cool and fun bc if i am attached to someone and they like someone else more than me, i either:

resent the person i have never met (bc they're better than me)

resent the person i am attached to (bc they don't like me more)

OR

resent myself (for not being good enough)

and it usually happens bc the other person has a fucking romantic interest in the person they "like more". fam i do not even want that with you why am i acting like it's a competition

it also happens with best friends though. like. why does my little pea brain think i need to be the ~best friend~ of everyone i latch onto like a parasitic worm. that's too many people i can't be a best friend every time

and on one memorable occasion, i felt it about a FUCKING CAT, which is all new levels of pathetic (me and the cat became friends though)

#yes the cat was spunky and yes i felt very bad about it #i have been this way my entire life and only recently was i given the language to identify it #like i can point at so many relationships and say “yeah i was fucked up about it bc they had someone they were closer to” #the bpd urge to be everyone's most important person #it gets worse the more i care about someone and is the most violently upsetting with FPs #i do not know if i have one of those rn but some past/current? ones are inspiring The Feeling #and this is not anyone's fault. this is not something that can be Fixed in any healthy way #it is something for me to figure out myself #so if you think this is about you: please don't feel bad #please do not contort yourself to fit this impossible shape that will please me #we are friends and i care about you regardless of my nature and i do not blame you #i was burned very hard ~a year ago by an FP and it has left lasting psychological scars i am still grappling with. that is not your fault #it isn't even MY fault #which is the hardest part to accept i think #i am seeing my therapist tomorrow and i will probably bring this up. we're very new to each other but this is like My Biggest Struggle #so i should make a point of telling him lmao #anyway. thanks for reading the tags. i think i might take a nap #bpd posting #tox.txt

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

I will be like “he’s just like me fr” about the most fucked up little guy and when asked how I’m like “idk actually. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about this”

#emma posts #my therapist is always so vague about this stuff though #I’ll go in like ‘woah! i just learned this thing is a symptom and have a word for it now!’ #and he’s like ‘I thought you knew’ when he didn’t tell me or ‘I didn’t think you knowing the word was that important’ #I very much want to know the words actually #just going like ‘we should work on that’ isn’t really much of an explanation #in general he’s a good therapist though #can’t talk about global warming without it getting weird tho #but I’ve seen the guy since I was 13 so the idea of switching is weird #this post is about being funny with myself though! so no more of that rambling #character tries to kill themself or is bullied. me: damn. just like me #they’ll be having these big problems and I’m like ‘he’s so real for this’ #sure. we are supposed to find the lead characters… ya know. but maybe the just like me isn’t the best response #I know when a character has been through worse. don’t get me wrong. but I still find it relatable in what should probably be a concerning #way to relate to them #no more tag rambling though!

[scarletcomet]

I'm 2 weeks clean but I want to cut so badly

#i dont even care about fucking up 2 weeks #i dont want to be 2 weeks clean #im fucking sick of this #i just don't want to lie to my therapist or doctor but i don't want them to tell my parents #im honestly kinda very pissed about rebecca telling our parents when we self-harm (happened to someone else today) #we're adults. i did not sign a release of information so it should be illegal for her to tell my parents #but noooo #im not 16. i was never able to be honest about sh when i was a teenager and it feels like that again #which is ridiculous because im 21 #it's my body. i should be allowed to do what i want with it #smoking or vaping is probably wayyy worse for you than superficial cuts but that's fine

[arcaneyouth]

i think i have managed to trick everyone, including myself, into thinking im functional. because i can keep my art schedule really well. but everything else? a fucking disaster. but i sure can make a comic so im normal actually

#first my therapist tells me having a job probably should not be as hard as i think it is #now my parents telling me i dont do enough around the house (they are correct) #i keep finding myself with tasks to do and yelling and screaming about it and theyre the simplest fucking tasks actually #have i really been this dysfunctional the whole time???? #have i just convinced myself 1) im normal just cause im on meds 2) i also should not have to do anything ever??? #man. i fucking knew my ego would come for me some day. #well. guess its time to rearrange my schedule in my brain so i actually clean things up and help with the house #i cleaned up some trash today and filled up my pillbox. does that count for anything #it wasnt that hard i just didnt. know what else i could even do #maybe i can take over trash duty or something #i also have to consider the job thing some more but hhhnngng. baby steps there. baby steps. #i still have yet to even properly job search.

[asdpawprint]

I came across an old video recently, of me when I was a little kid. It felt so weird. Factually, I know that kid is me, and I am them, but hearing that high pitched voice full of stutters and giggles felt foreign. That tiny, shy but happy, not yet traumatized kid, just excited for a chance to infodump about their favorite Pokemon cards, is so different than the person I've become.

Yet, the more I think about it, the more I recognize that kid in tiny moments: moments of safety, of joy, of the protective walls in my mind so far lowered that they might as well not be there. I'm so much more fragile in those moments, so defenseless, so sensitive without the tension usually blocking out the worst stressors. And I'm so gentle, so giggly, so bouncy, so much like that little kid who had yet to experience the cruelty of this world.

In those tiny moments of childlike joy, before the panic sets in from the absence of protection, I am that little kid, and they are me, and we both are so very different than the version of me that blocks it all out to avoid feeling the agony on hypersensitive nerves, the version of me that shuts down to get everything done on autopilot, the version of me that cannot risk trust, the version of me that bears the burden of responsibility, and even the version of me that occasionally experiences confidence and bits of independence.

I'd rather be that innocent kid. The one whose worst defined fear is the dark. The one who has no trauma. Who hasn't experienced loss. Who spares not a single thought for jobs because it's so far in the future that it doesn't yet exist as even the slightest consideration.

I'd rather be that kid. That kid never felt that happiness is limited. That kid never had to sacrifice their wellbeing for the sake of productivity. That kid never had to consciously balance fun activities with rest to preserve tomorrow's energy. That kid was safe and loved and protected and felt it.

#dont mind me just having a crisis about the concept of having to grow up against my will #until the last few months adulthood has been completely miserable #and in a month or two it will again #growing up is awful and i wish i could go back to being that kid #but for now I'm good #actually autistic #autism #i use words #mental health #infodump #stories i should probably tell my therapist