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wordstome · 6 months

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I am having a goddamn nightmare of a time writing the university au (mostly because I have a shit ton of work to do…for my university…lol) so have some headcanons about the most toxic couple you’ve ever met. mdni under the cut

They’re like the definition of a situationship. They’re dating in every aspect except by name

At first she does try to sleep with other guys like she did before König but that doesn’t last long, because nobody else is as good as him. She will never admit this outside of the bedroom

Meanwhile he literally calls her his girlfriend behind her back

She’s emotionally unavailable toxic, he’s obsessive and possessive toxic

König enjoys the pursuit and just thinks it’s normal for women to be difficult like this. I would say “poor König” but he has a bad habit of picking her up and carrying her places against her will so he’s not that poor

She likes to tell herself she has no attachment to him, but she loves the ego boost he gives her by acting like a lovestruck puppy and following her everywhere. She’s also secretly into him being controlling

She does have her moments of genuinely caring about him, though. She brought him lunch once and he looked at her like she hung the moon the whole day. Her excuse was that she just happened to get/make an extra portion, but she did, in fact, get him a portion on purpose

She basically lives with him after a certain point. Her roommates barely see her anymore since she only comes and goes from her old place to get things. He constantly threatens to change the locks on her, but they both know it’s an empty threat. He much prefers to punish her in sexy ways

She'll just be minding her own business talking to a classmate or perhaps flirting with someone when König will come up behind her and put his arms around her. If she was just talking to someone she'll pat his face before attempting to shoo him off. If she was flirting with someone, she wrenches him off her and storms off in a huff (whoever she was talking to has definitely fled from König's evil eye by that point)

They don't really fight, they just have spats because König is endlessly amused by her anger and she is unable to stay mad at him for long. The one time they had a real fight was nasty, and they didn't talk for days afterwards

She's usually quite a chill, go with the flow person (because if she allowed herself too much stress or anxiety at once it would destroy her), but König brings out the spitfire in her

In equal measure, König is a bit of the shy and quiet giant type, but she brings out the brat tamer in him. They alternate balancing each other out

It's kind of easy to look at them and go "why are they still doing this to themselves" but when they get along (i.e. he's behaving himself and she's not pretending not to know him) they're as functional as any other couple

This definitely goes without saying: the nastiest most bed-breaking sex. They fuck like they’re trying to murder each other

I know it's a pet peeve of many people when they say the reader is ooooo so small and delicate next to the cod men, and I tend to agree. However, unless you are also nearly seven feet tall and built like an olympic swimmer, I'm just gonna say you're smaller than König

That being said, he LOVES using his size against her. Picking her up, bending her over things, bending her in half (mating press, his beloved)

If he wants her to stay, she'll stay. He'll have one hand on her throat pinning her down, the other keeping her open to slam into her

This brat will look him dead in the eye and ask "is that all you've got?", which obviously makes him lose his mind in the best way

She definitely has more experience than he does, which actually works out in his favor: him getting better at fucking really just means he's getting better at fucking her

They're so goddamn nasty they've definitely fucked in semi-public places because she teased him to the point of madness and he popped a boner so hard it was painful

Oh, the dirty talk. König is such a gentleman outside of the bedroom, but the degradation that comes out of him while he's fucking her is toe-curling. A lot of "nobody else can fuck you like this" and "all you're good for is taking me in your tight little hole"

He growls??? I don't know if y'all have heard his voicelines in German but he snarls at her when he's trying to teach her a lesson and it turns her into putty

This post is dedicated to @kneelingshadowsalome, who is waiting for this fic so patiently and is my shining beacon of motivation at this point lol

#könig #cod mw2 #call of duty #konig #könig cod #konig cod #könig mw2 #konig x reader #König x reader #konig x you #König x you #cod #mw2 #König call of duty #könig fanfiction #university au #fic: now playing

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golbrocklovely · 1 year

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I sincerely hope colby finds a girl that isn’t toxic (like the other ones you mentioned because let’s be honest those are the vibes they give off) seeing all these games that are being played just proves to everyone that colby hasn’t found “the one” yet. I believe if he did find that girl all this would stop (let’s hope so but I think it would) but knowing colby and the hopeless romantic he is it’s probably not gonna stop anytime soon until that girl finally comes into his life.

also you mentioning colby hates being alone, that man needs therapy bad instead of using these girls for attention 😭 lord help this man please. let’s hope he realizes how toxic it is and gets the help he needs. attachment and abandonment issues are hard to deal with trust me I know, but if it’s that bad to the point he can’t be alone he needs to talk to a professional. it’s always nice to have people to talk to about your issues with but these women are not going to “fix” you. it’s not anyone job in your friend group to do that. I just hope he gets better with whatever is going on in his head.

i would love for colby to find someone that isn't toxic that either he can be with romantically or just have as a friend. i think there are some girl he's friends with that aren't like that, but it's just these main two that play games equally as much as he does.

maybe he needs a woman to put him in his place lol

and as for him needing therapy…. yeah. you and i aren't the only ones who think that.

interestingly enough, i never mentioned this on here, but one day i was scrolling thru snc's facebook page and saw a video that was posted that was old snapchats made into one video. and this was back when they had the life project, so circa 2016. colby in his snapchat was talking about something called "danger zones", basically places where your mind tends to wander into negative thoughts/overthinking. and this man, outright, listed pretty much any time of day he was alone. literally he said when he would first get up in the morning, when he was showering, tanning at the pool, eating…. like these were all places he tended to overthink at/during. and bc of that, he (in his own words) must avoid these places, or avoid overthinking in these places at all costs. he gave the example that in the morning, bc he tended to get overwhelmed while he was getting ready for the day, he would just…. speed rush getting ready so he didn't have time to think. he said he needed to constantly preoccupy his mind.

and he wasn't saying this as like "dear lord i'm overthinking too much", this was him saying "guys, you too should also avoid danger zones." which…. babe, if you can't be alone with your thoughts for two seconds, please seek therapy. i mean that with all the sincerity in the world.

like i get the idea in theory, but again - if you can't be alone at any point during the day without it being an issue, something's wrong.

and while i don't think he's like that anymore, that type of constant overthinking doesn't just go away. i love colby, truly; but i think there is a lot more darkness in him than he admits to. maybe that's just me trying to relate to him, or see something in him that i see in myself. for all i know he's extremely healthy mentally and i'm just reading into something that isn't there. but from the things he himself has admitted to - attachment issues, commitment issues, overthinking, not being able to trust ppl, pushing ppl away, emotional unavailability, not being able to get out bed for weeks on end (back in 2019), being on the verge of vomiting due to anxiety, ect - personally to me that reads as someone that needs therapy. and…. someone that probably has some form of depression and definitely some form of anxiety.

now, i'm not diagnosing him. i know nothing. but as someone who has depression and anxiety, it's hard not to see myself in some of the shit he does. and even if, for argument's sake, nothing was wrong with him mentally, there's nothing wrong with seeking therapy regardless. everyone needs therapy.

#ask #personal #colby brock #part of me doesn't want to tag his name but at the same time.... baby boy needs therapy #and maybe he'll see this and get some

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donnerpartyofone · 5 years

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i just got a whole bunch of new followers on letterboxd, and checking out who they all are really reminded me of why i don’t follow too many people on letterboxd. bad amateur writing is hard to enjoy even ironically, but there’s something about bad film writing that’s really harmful. i have hate-read so many of this one guy’s reviews that i feel embarrassed about it now. he describes himself as an “arthouse manager”, which i assume means he runs a theater, but it bothers me because nobody says “let’s go out to the arthouse tonight” without the word “theater” in there, it’s just unnatural and pretentious. so that’s red flag #1 right in his description, which is followed by red flag #2 about how he hates modern media, as if being a luddite or nostalgia freak automatically means you’re a sensitive genius. it’s probably worth mentioning a sub-red flag, which is that he also says he’s 27 years old, which has to mean that he either wants to be congratulated for being precocious somehow, or he thinks he’s going to get laid off this movie website where you can’t even post pictures of yourself, or both, i mean who fucking cares how old you are anyway, for what reason? then the first review is of DAYS OF BEING WILD, in which he describes Wong Kar-Wai as “seeking to understand what draws women to shitty, emotionally unavailable men”; i mean imagine being so full of shit that you project your own sullen incel-y “UGH WHY DO GIRLS ONLY LIKE BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH” garbage onto whatever revered works of art show up on your tv screen? this guy goes on to reveal himself in almost a strip tease fashion across many of his reviews, breaking up his pompous analyses with macho mindbenders like “i have often said that being horny is the point of life” and biographical information like about his manipulative alcoholic father. i’m not trying to say that everybody with a delinquent or dysfunctional parent is destined to have idiotic and serial killerish attitudes about intimacy, because that would condemn pretty much all of us. but, i am sadly familiar with solipsistic assholes who brandish their alleged intellectual superiority in one fist while beating the dust out of their childhood traumas with the other, and just seeing his smug letterboxd reviews tells me everything i need to know about him. hopefully he just followed me in a spammy way to get attention and will never interact, or maybe i’ll say something he finds politically disagreeable and he’ll go away.

honestly finding anybody worth following on letterboxd is kind of hard. it can be nice to read stuff by people who are just having fun and shooting straight about what they’re watching, but the site is filled with wannabe J Hobermans and Lester Bangses who are just out to prove that they own a thesaurus. they’re practically all dudes, you can smell the old spice and maker’s mark wafting out of your laptop fan when you read some of this chest-pounding nonsense. not all of them have such toxic things to say as the aforementioned douchebag, but there’s a real preponderance of users who seem to think they’re reinventing the language. the sad thing is when they really like MY writing. there’s this guy i follow who i think used to write fairly clearly, but now everything he posts looks like a burroughs cut-up with really avant garde ideas about punctuation and adjectives, and unfortunately, i think it’s on purpose. i’d unfollow him, but i feel like i can’t, because he is as nice as literally anyone has ever been about my writing. he goes so far as to give me a hard time about why i’m not a professional film critic, he’s like a ~fan~...and then i gotta ask myself, how much is my writing like HIS writing? this is where the difficulties of letterboxd start to feel worth while, in a masochistic kind of way. like, how often do i write in the same wanky bombastic fashion as these shitty little internet valedictorians who i hate so much? probably a lot! i don’t like feeling that way but i have to admit that i’m grateful for the opportunity to check myself, and possibly improve.

however good or bad i am, letterboxd is still a better place to write than tumblr. i mean tumblr is less than optimal for long form writing anyway, but it’s also a question of who the majority population is here. the other day i got a comment on a pretty old post i wrote about ANNIHILATION, a movie i found kind of smarmy and shallow. the commenter said that my points about the movie were good, BUT they would all be negated by the content of the novels on which the movie is based, and they wanted to know why i deliberately omitted this material from my analysis, as if this were a conspiracy to be unraveled. they actually asked me what the point of my post was, like what was my goal in writing only what i wrote and leaving all kinds of things out. basically. this person COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE IDEA OF A MOVIE REVIEW. i answered them, because they had tried hard to be polite, that my movie review blog is just for movie reviews, in which i talk about what i think about movies i watch. i’m not pursuing everything related to certain intellectual properties, nor am i invested in the logic and content of Extended Universes of whatever individual movies i’m watching. i’m not mad at this person, who was asking an honest question, but i was completely dumbfounded by the question itself. i mean imagine being SO INVESTED in fandom as like a type of lifestyle that you don’t know what a movie review is anymore? like every piece of media is regarded as some sort of municipality, that belongs to a state, and is governed by certain people, and its characters are like Real People who are available for friendship, dating and more. no piece of media is just entertainment, or even an artistic statement anymore. for this person, watching a movie is something like studying civic infrastructure, except with more DIY alterations and more fetishizing of gay men. i keep trying to imagine reading three paragraphs about some middling hollywood movie that amounts to something like “i did not enjoy watching this film,” and just having no personal frame of reference AT ALL for what it means when somebody writes that down. like just not knowing what a movie review is at all, and asking the author to explain the meaning of the bizarre behavior of saying you thought some movie sucked.

why DOES anybody write about movies though? if i don’t find it normal or desirable to watch everything with an exclusive filter for who do you want to fuck and who do you want to see fucking each other, then what else am i getting at? surely i don’t see myself as a potential roger ebert or leonard maltin, especially considering the extremely limited number of celebrity film critics in the history of mankind. i’m also not Pro- the idea of sorting all movies according to some rigid standards of technical quality and deservingness, like anybody needs me to grade them after they’ve performed the nearly impossible-seeming task of even making one single movie to begin with. sometimes i stupidly start complaining about stupid responses to my writing that i get once in a while from the internet, and my shrink asks me, “what are you up to when you post this writing?” she always says i’m “up to something” when i seem to be following but willfully ignoring my subconscious drives, which i think is pretty funny. but i don’t think i’m pursuing feelings of superiority, over movies or other writers. i think i’m just trying to figure out what movies are trying to say about human existence--and they all are trying to say something, are motivated by some angst, even the really insulting ones that only offer up wish fulfillment pablum. i’m constantly trying and failing to figure out my own existence, and i must sense that attempting to decipher movies is one way of getting closer to decoding my own experiences.

and on that note, now i have to complain about the fact that Lyft’s driver rating system includes “fun conversation” as one of the four factors in giving someone five stars. i rarely want a stranger to try to force me to talk to them, especially at 4am when i’m headed to the airport under a miserable pile of luggage. even so, i recently got into a car in such a state, with a guy who was clearly going for that five star rating, babbling loudly and convulsively at me all the way to my terminal. it would be one thing if he were just trying to be nice, but he was giving me shit about everything from my pickup location to what i had done in his fair city for a week and a half. i did not immediately volunteer how many movies i had seen at the festival i attended, because i probably intuited that when he did make me tell him, he would inform me that he doesn’t need to watch movies, because “I WATCH *LIFE*, MAN!!!” the irony was that this guy clearly didn’t watch life at all; he didn’t even have the ability to discern that i didn’t want to talk, or that i didn’t want him to insult my favorite leisure activity, and that probably NOBODY wants to listen to him talk about his shitty generic blues rock band for half an hour before 5am. so that’s the one thing i can say for even the most obnoxious reviewer on letterboxd--that probably they are TRYING to hone the art of observation, a dying skill. probably they are TRYING to train themselves to be an active audience that engages thoughtfully with the movie instead of just hucking rotten tomatoes at the screen OR passively allowing it to wash over them. even if i often hate the results, at least some of these guys seem be making an effort.

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diaryofasupergroupie · 4 years

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Abuse exists in music *TRIGGER WARNING*

I ask everyone to please be respectful, this is the most personal thing I have ever written. This was an awful time of my life and I was a totally different person when I was with him. This kind of thing isn’t okay and I am hesitantly giving this a trigger warning of emotional and psychological abuse. There are definitely people who have had it worse but it was still a bad time for me. This kind of thing happens far more than it should and I hope people can realise that from my own experience. I’m open to answering questions about this but please be respectful! Sending you all my love xoxo - K

I talk about abuse a lot and how girls are vulnerable but I never go into detail as to why I’m so passionate about preventing terrible things from happening to the girls or guys. When you are a groupie the musician is in an immediate position of power. No matter how much of a feminist or empowered woman you are this is the dynamic. When people say abuse I think we think about rapes, beatings and girls being taken advantage of. It can be and all those things are abuse but the control, manipulation and toxic relationships are all abuse too. C never once hit me but he totally hallowed me out inside until I was barely there.

You can read all about how I met C and how we talked and got to know each other over months. There was a slow burn that was so gentle and slow it led me into thinking it was just meant to be. Also keep in mind that this was my first relationship in the scene and all other experiences I had were flings. None of that makes it okay though. While I was on tour in Europe with K and his band C and I had been talking everyday without fail. He asked me to call him and would text me lovely things and tell me he’s been thinking about where we were headed and how it made him feel. These were sweet sweet words and he had sent me flowers to the venue K was at. On the phone C told me that he isn’t usually like this and doesn’t usually want to associate himself with groupies. He thought they had no self-respect and didn’t like what they did and how they clung onto the fame he had. When a man talks about groupies or just women like that he should paint the walls red. He should set off alarms and the warning signs should be obvious. But then he told me that I was different. If I heard that now I would hang up the phone. C would tell me that he knew me so well and that he knew I was far too free spirited to tie down like that – that was exactly what he intended on doing. He told me we could be in an open relationship which tricked me into thinking I had this great freedom and he completely was on the same page as I was. I felt like he understood me entirely.

When I was in the studio with A and D and they had told me how they never wanted me to go and how I was such an angel. I was supposed to go stay with my friend A and his wife for a few weeks. I was going to go to several gigs and spend some time with A who I loved dearly. I had spent some studio time with them and I had told C just what A meant to me. A the man who was like a best friend, big brother and who I trusted and had pulled me out of some of the darkest times. But C told me he didn’t want me flying out to stay with A because it was unfair how I went to see A but wouldn’t go to see him. He made me feel so guilty that in the end I cancelled my plans and left A disappointed. A has never been good at staying mad at me and would never intentionally hurt my feelings but I knew he was having thoughts that maybe C wasn’t good for me then. But I never saw any of that. I think it’s important to note that when you are so in love with someone and they are all you can think about you don’t notice the red flags. It’s fine for people to say that I should have noticed what was happening. But real life doesn’t work that way.

C flew from America to come stay in my city for three weeks. I remember just before he arrived that I didn’t want to feel trapped. Although I was all about C I felt that maybe that was exactly what was happening even then. I had talked on and off to V ever since I just entered the scene but this was the only time that stopped. C was getting a long flight to spend some time with me and I caught myself feeling ungrateful. I wanted to feel more grateful and felt so guilty for how I was feeling. C would tell me how much he hated flying but he was doing this for me and it made me feel so special. The day he landed it happened to be my mother’s birthday and despite the fact she to this day her care for me has been patchy I had to spend the day with her. C called me and we argued extensively about it. Don’t get me wrong, fights are a normal part of a healthy relationship. But when he makes you feel guilty for spending time with your family it isn’t a good sign. Some people will think that I am in the wrong here, he flew all that way and I didn’t even play the doting girlfriend. But as A told me over and over again, a good boyfriend would understand. Regardless I apologised for being mean and that I was just as impatient to see him.

When we saw one another everything was okay and we hugged and kissed. C was so smooth and good at tricking me into doing what he wanted. He held me close and kissed me before he leaned down to my ear and whispered, I wish you didn’t start all these arguments and we could just be happy. He would always blame me for the arguments and then tell me it was lucky he was there to handle me. I knew I was a handful and to this day I still am. But never let anyone try to tell you being who you are is a fault. He would work hard to make me feel special and take me shopping. He would give me his credit card and tell me to spend whatever I wanted to make him look good when we went to dinner. I would spend £400 at a time and that was part of his talent for making me forgive whatever he said to me. He brought me a ring and then pulled me behind racks of clothes where he kissed my neck. “K,” C said in between kisses. “I love you.” I asked him what he loved most about me. “I love the way you make me feel.” He said breathlessly.

We went to dinner and I remember being in total awe of him. I could never look away from him and I would just sit and stare. I felt like we were a real couple as we sat across from one another and everyone around us believed we were just in love. We weren’t faking or on tour, we were real people now. I realised just how in love I was with him. C told me he doesn’t normally feel like this and that he never wanted to leave my side. I was completely trapped in his words and I just wanted to touch him forever. I had grown up with emotionally unavailable male family members and as a rule that’s my type. But for some reason I wanted to hear how I made him feel in love.

I can’t deny the sex was good and when he took me back to the apartment he was staying at he truly made me feel special. But I don’t want to go into any kind of detail really because then I would have to remember. He was on the rougher side and completely all for him and full of himself which coincidentally is my type in that department too. I will tell you that he likes to have sex to his own music and I think that sums him up perfectly. You have to be a certain kind of person to enjoy that and if I’m honest his music isn’t the best and at times it became a mood killer.

For a taste of just how controlling he was we went to a party thrown by one of my favourites while he was there. I was quite ill and felt awful but I forced myself to go and it was my chance to show everyone in the scene that C and I were in a real relationship. I remember stepping into the party and the newer girls just watching me. C had been so open about his feelings about groupies and it was like a smack in the face to all of them. He went to socialise and I ran off with my friend V and a band I had known for years. They were the band I toured with when I met C and A who you may fondly remember as the man who took me to watch a movie before he drew a bow on me and we had a good night. They offered me some edibles to make me feel better and in truth it did. But when C walked in and saw just what I had been doing.

He quite literally cleared the table of everything and gripped my arm. He looked at me as though I was nothing before he started shouting at me. I tried to tell him it was because I felt ill but that made it worse and I thought he would hit me. For reference he would drink and smoke but I never could. “K, this is disgusting. I’m disgusted with you.” C spat and I knew everything was starting to go sour. I’m half glad A wasn’t there because if he was I’m scared about what he would do. A wasn’t there but O was. O has always been so lovely to me. I met him years ago on my birthday when he inserted a birthday candle in his urethra. O was always high on something, had a tolerance like I had never seen and also was completely obsessed with rock stars of the past and their stories. He would save them up to act out whenever he could. He would fondly call me Princess or Darling and have such fun with all the girls. When C was shouting at me for a moment I didn’t think it would ever stop. When any arguments happen there is always a moment when people think they need to get involved because it was going too far. I remember being so scared of him. C got in my face and that was when O stepped in. O pulled C off of me and then pushed him backwards and C fell down onto the ground. I thought there was going to be some huge fight. “Leave her alone!” O snapped at him. “You are scaring her and if you don’t stop being a dick I’ll take her back to my hotel room.” The secret meaning for C was there. The only way he would stop would be to make him jealous enough to rethink how unreasonable he was. In that moment O seemed to really care about me and that was what I needed right then. C went to leave but before he did he shook his head at me like a was a naughty child which really is what he wanted his girlfriend to be. You’re a bitch, C told me angrily, call me when you’ve stopped behaving like a whore unless you’re too busy letting O fuck you. I felt so disgusting all over some edibles.

I talked myself into looking past the entire evening and apologised to him again. Everyone who had met him from my civilian life said he wasn’t good for me but I of course ignored them all. Before he left we were invited to another party and V clung to me the entire time to make sure I was okay. She had made me a flower bracelet and took me to braid the childlike A’s hair. She told me she was in deep love with him but she loves everyone and everything so it wasn’t some great confession really.

At the party there was a certain young groupie there that I had loathed for years. Her name was L and for the past year I had watched her flirt and get all my favourite men into trouble. She was underage and she was the only one I saw still being able to get men involved in this. Most kept far away from underage girls but she always seemed to find a way. She was all over C and floated around him with her hands over his chest in her short skirt and neon pink lipstick. She was seventeen barely, I just wanted her to go and get on with her A-Levels.

While she was keeping C occupied and I was glaring at them it gave me a chance to spent time with O. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders in a protective manner and told me tonight I was his Princess. He then went on to pour prosecco directly into my mouth from the bottle. When I went to the toilet I found him in the bathroom doing lines on the counter. V’s new obsession A stumbled into the bathroom and handed O some pills. He offered me one but I shook my head so he swung them all into his mouth and swallowed them dry. I don’t understand even now how he physically does it. O told me when C goes home he’ll give me all the drugs I want before he proceeded to make me a crown out of a tablecloth. While L was all over C and he never said a word to her O was much more on my side. When the attention wasn’t on him while the band hosting played their new album he opened up the 15th floor window and threw up. He couldn’t stand not being the person everyone was looking at.

It carried on like this until C left again, I knew I should have felt sad to see him gone but I felt elated. It was like I could breathe again. I was amerced in the whole string of parties then and each time I saw O he would tell me to break up with C because he’s ruining me and killing my spirit in the worst way. I tripped out at a party and then knew I had to end it or he really would kill me. Everyone could see the change and that wasn’t how I wanted to disappear out of the scene. I’ve always left on my own terms. When I tried to break up with C he told me I wasn’t allowed to and that he would ‘never let some groupie break up with him’.

The girls were furious and I never spoke to him much after that. O had been the only person who made me feel anything through it all and when C really messed me up he sent me a care package and I went to stay with him for around a month on and off. When it came time for C to tour over here again word got out pretty quickly that he had took L the groupie from earlier with him despite her being underage at the time. I thought my groupie career was entirely over then but all of the old girls that had been around years stayed far away from that tour. Sure there were groupies there but the ones whose names are the top of the list didn’t go which was nice. I made my return at a party thrown by O. I toured with them a little after that and we had quite the fling but I healed and moved on from it all. C on the other had didn’t, he dropped L right after that tour and spent almost two years stewing over it all before he wrote two songs about me on his new album all about how he used me for sex and I was the one to destroy his life and make him suffer. The original cut had my name in there but after numerous phone calls and all my contacts in the industry my name thankfully got cut. Six minutes of him telling everyone I am a bitch and sucking his own dick. But I am thankful in a way to him for letting me know musicians aren’t perfect and they can be bad people. If he hadn’t caused arguments then I would never have gotten atrocious drunk and had my dad in the scene come to my aid and kick start a father and daughter like relationship which by far is the most meaningful in all of the years I’ve been doing this. He’s bitter but he didn’t take everything from me like he wanted – don’t let anyone do that.

#diary of a super groupie #diary #groupie #groupie scene #groupie relationships #band aid #toxic relationship #abuse #emotional abuse #manipulation #music scene #journal #bands #musicians #party story

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blackwoolncrown · 6 years

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I always suggest to people with fetishes that they spend time trying to suss out just why they have certain fetishes. It’s really eye opening and can help you identify and move past certain things, or at least come to terms with them so you don’t feel compelled to accept or perpetuate the toxic/shame-centered version of it.

For me it started with my general dissatisfaction with the content I’d find when searching- it’s just an endless landscape of horrible language and dubious consent looking for any kind of porn when you’re not into rape nor are you ashamed of your sexuality (so you’re not interested in narratives that project your shame onto the object of desire aka “filthy slut sucks dick”).

I’ve always liked sleep-sex but once I realized that, looking it up only provided endless narratives of ‘look what we did to this sleeping/passed out girl’ and that’s putting it so so nicely. I felt a disconnect between what I enjoyed and what was being sold to me as what my fetish ‘was’ that was by then familiar but suddenly a lot clearer. I knew, for instance, that my fantasy wasn’t being fucking raped while I was ~incapable~ of doing anything. My fantasy was based in romance and liberation from performance- sleepy bedtime cuddling that led to sex where I was not expected to perform sexiness and, absolved from this duty, sex could become less an intense form of interaction and more a passive sensory bonding.

Then, similarly I examined the differences between what I tended to find when I looked up technophilia and what I liked. The contrast there was found in the robot’s agency (or lack thereof). Most of what I’d find was all about broken intensely objectified robots, robots who were glorified real dolls (I don’t mind a sex bot narrative but literally making a sentient AI then making it an actual object/slave with no conscious motives beyond being used is...uh...), and fucking machines. But I like robots because they’re human. Robots who grapple with existentiality, robots who comfort, robots who are curious, intelligent, emotional. Teasing apart the invisible line between instinct/programming and free will.

Most recently, I think like a couple years ago, I sort of capped the discrepancy I felt between monsters and why (and how) I liked them and a lot of the narratives I saw. Less so on tumblr bc of its demo (this applies heavily to robots, too, as most robot content on here is the very fluffy stuff written by people coping with trauma), most monster content is like...female monsters who are vulgar sex beasts or cum-hungry women with cat ears...or male monsters who are Literal Fucking Rapists But Its Okay Bc Monsters. I love mythic beast type characters but hate looking through the tags (so I don’t) because there’s very little in between this aside from the ‘here is a monster person with 0 personality created by a teenager’. Meanwhile my fantasy regarding monsters (and I’ve gotten a similar narrative from other non cis-male acquaintances) is that the bigger and scarier a monster is, the better IF AND ONLY IF that power is juxtaposed by self control and empathy because those things are very hot to me and they are exaggerated in a creature that clearly has the ability to do otherwise. Any lack of harm thus comes not from any weakness on the monster’s part- it’s not that they can’t- it’s that they won’t. It’s literally a little sad the extent to which my and other people’s fantasies about monsters is literally ‘masculine power, but make it non-violent’. I want a big protective non possessive monster. I want a beast capable of incredible violence that consistently makes the choice not to do harm. I also know this extends a lot to women who like the ‘grizzled rugged swol’ male character types but have divorced themselves from narratives of ‘woman pines for man incapable of emotion but good at punching and romances his emotional unavailability’. We’re just like ‘wow imagine a big strong tough guy, right...but what if he had self control and empathy? Hot.’

I like monsters with a brain and a heart. I’m so tired of monster content that’s just ‘Let’s Excuse Male Violence’ and like I don’t care that people make it bc a lot of it is them acting out and coping with trauma but most of it is just shit guys are coming up with bc the idea of a huge monster with a dick named ‘GUT WRECKER’ who looks like it’s incapable of feeling any emotion other than SEXANGER is somehow hot to them.

#so anyway yeah figure out your fetishes #it's an adventure

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