#havent really considered the weight of the situation until now

[nalver]

i guess i wanted to go back to C++ anyway so. godot looking real sexy right now

#havent really considered the weight of the situation until now #but hey i love godots language mix #ohh you want one file in ts? another as js? python also? sure ill work with all of those at once #SAD! well theres other things to do #you approach me with any sort of block scripting or visual or whatever im killing myself on the spot #i will NOT put blocks together

[peachyproserpina]

its literally a rant that i need to post somewhere so im not blowing up peoples DMs with this bullshit please scroll past.

I wish I could just exist and have it not be exhausting or exist in a way that I don't have to cope in such an unhealthy way. fuckin tiktok has been nothing but like AuDHD and like slf help shit and its making me realize im older then i ever thought id get to. a whole fuckin 12 years after the fact and my healing is up to me and just UGH. its alot. im also having a whole thing about being stuck working and never able to fully enjoy myself due to the crush weight of being in the US and im gonna try to put myself out there this weekend at the bars / parties im going to have to deal with the constant self rejection and the recjection from others and im not like SUPER ready for that again. I jsut think about the dude who told me I was coming on too strong for asking him out, then as my friend is cursing him out he fucking asked her out infront of me. That sounds so dumb and middle school but i just havent been able to stop thinking about it. He saw me too.

I don't register as a person to so many people here. I hate it. no its obviously a me thing. if i wasnt so fucked up and fat people would like me. I know I have been talking about this and myself all day and im sick of thinking about myself but i cant stop. and legit ive just been crying all day because like im responible for my own healing even though i wasn't responsible for getting hurt in the first place and i just hate it. I also know I need to take steps to really take care of myself and better myself so I can be a good partner and a good parent but shits hard. and the worst part is i know im so exhausting and all i do is complain about my situation like im not the one responsible for gettting myself into it. and all i do is bitch and whine but take not action and i hate it so i cant imagine how yall feel. I just I don't know. It's this constant battle of "I have to change the way I think about myself because this isn't healthy" and "this is litterally who you are" and im so exhausted all the time. ive burnt out my FAWN response and I just don't feel like I've been giving those around the love and attentiveness they deserve from me and I hate that most of all I think. It's so hard to actively listen and i used to be able to be so engaged and attentive and I don't know what happened other then getting exhausted. Everyone deserves so much more from me but I can't give it. And I really just feel like all I do is talk about myself and my issues and i hate it. I also just became socially aware earlier this year and my whole childhood has changed. I was so used to people abusing/beating/yelling at me or directly telling me that they don't like me as I was growing up that all those little like bullying behaviors and like things never clicked in my mind that they were malicious until this year. I know it doesn't matter and it shouldn't impact me as much as it does specially considering this shit was like 20 years ago but I dont know. I grew up believing people liked me and now I'm finding out that people didn't actually like me. It's just jarring and it;s so dumb. Plus its been feeding back into my life now. I am so painfully socially aware of myself that I don't want to leave the house.

I dont want to meet new people because they are just going be mean and cruel to me and I wont know it. And again ignorance is bliss and like i wish i still was unaware. and i know this has just got to be some kind of mental health issue. Its anxeity or something making me feel like this and like I know i shouldn't care what others think of me. But I also want to just like... date and go out and have fun and whatnot. I feel like in order to do that you have to care about what people think of you in some capacity. I don't know. life is hard. this is too hard. I'm not gonna find someone to have a family with and im pretty sure im infertile so i cant have kids anyway. so like whats the point. Might as well waste my life away on the internet and just..... be that old office lady who never had kids or got married. and shes great at work, so kind and nice, and it just makes you sit there and think 'what is wrong with her.' like there has to be something so broken and fucked up with her that she can keep a job for 30 years but no one wants to live with her. thats who I am. I'm not ready to accept that fate because I dont WANT to be that person but I am. I might as well try to fuck around and get some dating in before it's too late for me. this was stupid. I shouldn't post it but im going to. in some fucked up hope that this will fix me. When the only thing that would fix me is losing 200 pounds and getting some normal fuckin hobbies.

#I've gone through a whole box of tissues from my crying today this is great

[cyborg-franky]

hello franky. i hope emergency requests are open because im in a huge need of one right now. if theyre not just ignore.

this has been the shittiest week of my entire life. nothing went right, felt extra su/cidal and anxiety wont leave me alone when im trying to sleep. feeling like the most worthless being ever. my birthday was this week but it got ruined. i lost my appetite and havent eaten for 3 days. i wont be able to celebrate christmas properly because i have alot of college work to do. i feel like im gonna break if anything else happens..

i wish i could get some comfort from kid and killer right now(separate or poly, doesnt matter).. sorry for my english, its not my first language.

thank you in advance<3

I am really sorry this took so long I have been very busy, struggling and sick still. I hope you managed to enjoy the holidays a little at least and I hope things aren't as horrid any more.

I hope these brings you some comfort <3

Killer x Kid x GN Reader [POLY] SFW Word Count: 582

Every time anyone came to the door you simply told them you were sick, something that they might catch and imagine how pissed Kid would be if he caught something. That was usually enough to get people to leave you alone. Kid and Killer knew when you needed a little space, claiming you were sick was always your way of hiding the crushing feelings that had become too much to deal with.

You always lied and said you were sick, too worried about what everyone else was going to say, showing weakness as a pirate was bad right? especially when you held yourself to such standards of being ‘scary’ and ‘intimidating’ like the rest of the crew.

Staring at the ceiling, counting each plank above your head, trying to push all the negative thoughts of your head, the things that bothered you until you couldn’t even manage to pull yourself out the bed, it had maybe been a few days since you’d considered selfcare as basic as a shower.

There was a knock at the door, you sighed and rolled over, back facing the door, you knew it was Killer checking in on you again, you didn’t want to worry him, he was too busy to fuss with the likes of you, least you’d told yourself this.

Another knock at the door, you said and did nothing. There was the sound of voices, muffled behind the wood, you recognised them both, it was Kid and Killer.. You were about to call over your shoulder that you were still feeling sick.

The door splintered in half under the weight of a well-placed kick. You let out a strangled confused sound. Looking over at the now kicked through door, Killer and Kid stepped through, Killer had a bowl of noodles in his hand and a glass of water.

Kid sat on side, the bed shifted sending you a little higher, Killer sitting the other side, balancing it out. You sighed and looked at the floor, you didn’t know how to explain to your partners you were under the weather.

“Eat and drink this” Killer instructed and handed you the glass first, you side eyed it but felt Kid’s intense gaze on you. Downing the water and taking the bowl from Killer, the red-haired man let out a hmp as you’d done as asked.

“You don’t need to tell us what’s wrong, we know your feeling like shit” Killer started, knowing he would have to be the diplomat in this situation.

“We just want you to eat and fucking fuck, shower, want me to hose you down on the deck?” Kid asked with a snort. Killer sending him a hidden look.

“I’ll help you shower” The blond said, his hand running through your locks.

“We ain’t here to baby you, or make you feel bad, just you ain’t shown your face in a few days” Kid muttered, shuffling closer to you slightly.

“What if I want to be left alone?” You asked, eating more of the noodles that had been brought you.

“Come have a shower, get some fresh air with us and if you still feel like shit after we’ll fix your door and just let you have more time” Killer said, his hand rubbing your back softly.

“Just try for us yeah?” Kid mumbled watching you nod your head, a small smile on your lips, the food in your belly was already helping but knowing these two carried about you, it was nice.

TAG LIST:

@slut4animedilfs @acesmarigold @undercoverweeeb @sanjithesimp @flameboyace @rae-vynn

#eustass kid x reader #eustass kid x you #eustass kid x y/n #eustass kid #eustasscaptainkid #massacre soldier killer x reader #massacre soldier killer #killer x reader x kid #pol/y #one piece reader insert #one piece x reader #one piece x you #sfw #gender neutral reader #kid x you #kid x reader #kid x yn #killer x you #killer x reader

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

Recently saw a tiktok that was like "if you ship [toph and zuko] than you have issues or you see something galaxy brained that i havent" and stumbled upon the concept of aroace Zuko and i concocted this idea ages ago so im posting it now: the epic Toph x Zuko Marriage of Convenience 

Okay what you are all thinking of is book 3 Toph and Zuko, which totally dont have romantic chemistry and with the added age difference is prob why no one ever considers this ship. Four years when you're a teenager is a big difference. Four years when you're in your twenties and beyond isnt that big a deal. So they're adults and they've been friends for years at this point.

You also gotta sit back and look at what they are. Toph is the only child to a very rich and very well known Earth Kingdom family. Her family name in general is huge and carries a lot of weight but you also got her own accomplishments: Master Earthbender, the Creator of Metalbending, the Avatar's Earthbending teacher, and shes a war hero. Thats big. And then you got Zuko, who at this point is the Fire Lord. Zuko himself comes from a prominent Fire Nation family, seeing as he's royalty. He's also descended from a Avatar, but i dont think thats all that well known. Zuko is a Master Firebender, the Avatar's Firebending Teacher, and a war hero. On top of being famous both these people have credibility to fall back on.

So what im leaning into here is not exactly a marriage alliance seeing as the Earth Kingdom has its own royalty but its definitely a political move

Anyways Zuko has a lot on his plate, dismantling his dad's empire and all that. When he's nearing 30 the council is all like "you need to find a bride". Zuko writes up his ex-girlfriends and finds out they're either married or he just cant bring himself to trap someone into a marriage with him after knowing how it destroyed his mom. So he's stuck with no one of his own choosing so the council and high up nobles are trying to fix him up and not-so-subtly set him up with their daughters. Half of Team Avatar comes and visits (lets say Toph, Aang, and Sokka) and witness the behind the scenes of all this. They're having tea with Zuko and two people come in at different times and try to casually talk about the marriage thing. Toph can hear things that happen in the hallways too. Zuko is all "noooooooo guys why is this happening to me" and Sokka probably finds it funny but also a little sucky, and Aang probably hates it because "Zuko should marry for love!". And Toph is all "I know right" because she can totally relate. Her parents were looking for matches for her since she was born, and now that shes visiting again they've started back up again. Her and Zuko start swapping match-making stories ("so i come home and this boy and his father are there and my mom is all like 'Toph have you met __'" "I'm in the throne room for a meeting on road construction and this guy derails the whole thing so he can introduce his niece to me"). Later on after Toph has been listening in on the palace for a few days now and shes starting to really feel sorry for Zuko. Sokka just keeps making jokes until Toph snaps at him. Aang is pretty oblivious and probably spends all day at the market looking for souvenirs to bring home for Katara. And one night while Zuko is up late doing paperwork by candle light Toph stops by because her body cant sleep at night sometimes and they get to talking and Toph jokingly throws out "what if we just married each other? Then everyone will get off both our backs!" and they're laughing and after they've calmed down Zuko has a light bulb moment and he's like "wait, that might not be a bad idea". They spend all night working out the details to their hypothetical wedding and a day later decide to actually go through with it. Theres uproar from the council of course because Zuko didnt choose their pick Toph isnt Fire Nation nobility. And then Zuko starts listing all her family's importance and stuff and the council is forced to admit to themselves its not actually a bad idea. Plus marrying Earth Kingdom would make the Fire Lord more relatable to the colonies where theyre having a lot of problems with people of mixed heritage right now. Sokka and Aang hear rumblings of this because palace servants gossip and they're debating wether or not to believe these rumors when they run into Toph and just ask her and shes all like "yeah we're talking about it" and they boys flip out. Aang still maintains that everyone should marry for love but Toph and Zuko won't budge.

Over in the Earth Kingdom Toph's parents are ecstatic because the only better option Toph could marry was Earth Kingdom royalty. They completely endorse it and only argue to not seem like pushovers and when topics revolving money come up (ex. dowery). The Earth King gets in on this because its too good a opportunity to not capitalize on it. The Earth Kingdom is abuzz because a foreign King is marrying one of their own. Everyone is hyped and Team Avatar are the only ones who find the whole situation weird because to them its not a fairytale its their actual friends.

All-in-all they get married in the Fire Nation and the guest list was awful to make but people from all over the world are there. Toph's mother freaks out the whole time because "what if Toph falls down all those steps!" The wedding is mostly all Fire Nation tradition but Toph wears a Earth Kingdom wedding dress because everything is political now. Toph and Zuko have a relatively fun night and Sokka has the time of his life. And their marriage actually really works out for them because they're friends. They make fun of fancy people and rant to each other in the evenings. Toph is still running metal bending schools but either now they have to come to her or she gets stuck with a Fire Nation security team for like 3 months of the year she spends in the Earth Kingdom and she gets flashbacks to her childhood. And Zuko is sometimes all "i miss my wife" and the servants are all "awwww they're so in love" but the truth is he wants to talk sh*t with her and because shes blind he always has to write letters with the interpreter's opinion/gossip in mind. Toph still sneaks out all the time because shes not giving up her independence willy-nilly and is not above pulling the blind card to get out of things, which irritates Zuko sometimes because that means he has to deal with boring meetings by himself. They gaang visits all the time and by the time Republic City rolls around Toph manages to get herself sent as a "ambassador" (her and Sokka have some fun their shared meetings) and then to stay on to help set up the police force, which is a little dicy since shes representing the Fire Nation but also shes teaching only metalbending so its a controversial thing. This also gives Zuko a excuse to visit Republic City more often so he can see everyone since they settled down there.

#hinacu atla #atla #avatar #toph beifong #zuko #zuko x toph #prince zuko #fire lord zuko #avatar the last airbender

[mrskisaki]

Um so my situation has gotten worse and I might be taking a break from tumblr all together but ima try not to.

Ima just explain in a short story version of what's happening (it's a long story)

Might have a few triggers in here idk, you dont have to read. Mainly just a rant for me.

I'm sorry how messy this is, my brain is in shambles rn

I made this blog to get away from my home life and bring me temporary happiness but I havent been able to enjoy it like I used to and I feel bad because lately I havent been active and I know this isnt something you all want to read about.

Okay so bam, when I was 9 years old my mother died (her friend od her on pain medication after she got out of surgery) so it's been My dad, my brother who was 10 and me until my dad got with my step mom when I was 12. We ended up moving in with her and her kids (19,18,17 and 12 all girls). It was nice at first but after a while things got bad for me and my brother bc we were the step siblings so we got treated differently. So fastfoward to 16, my brother ended up running away because of how toxic things were and left me alone ( I dont blame him though) so everything got thrown to me, one of the sisters got married and moved out and another got engaged and moved out, they're the two that are nice but the other two are complete assholes. It got to the point where I was unable to talk to any of my real siblings (my brother is the only one who has both parents as me) and I was forced to move schools my junior year so I couldnt see him and had to start 2 weeks late. Okay so fastfoward I'm 18 now and for the passed few years has been hell (the reason why I barely get any sleep is because I have to do all the chores in the house and there's 7 people that lives here along with 2 dogs so I'm constantly cleaning and I do all the cooking as well) . My step mom has a tendency to talk down and bad on my real family and on my deceased mom. Ngl, my momma was a Og. She was the plug back in the day lmfaooooo but anyways my step mom always brings up things my mom did back in the day and says that ima follow in her foot steps. She says I'm going to be a drug addict, alcoholic, a single parent and swears that I'm pregnant even though I've never done anything before. I have really bad anxiety to the point where I will start shaking bad, throw up and be unable to breathe until I calm myself down. I asked to go get officially diagnosed so I can get medication but she says I'm wanting attention and there's nothing wrong with me (hence why she says I'm pregnant) She constantly picks on my flaws and insecurities (especially my weight bc I actually have meat on my bones and her kids and skinny and also my stuttering and mispronunciation when I get anxious) and compares me to her kids with their achievements and swears that I will amount to nothing. Okay so the oldest is 26 and shes still lives here and has no job, shes a compulsive liar and just lies on me continously for no reason and since I'm not blood, I dont get believed and berated for something I didnt even do (they sometimes get really mad and put their hands on me and pull my hair). I try to talk to my dad about everything that's going on but he works 7pm-7am so when he comes home, he doesn't want to hear it but when he actually let's me speak, he doesn't really care and is on their side. Even though I'm 18, I'm not in control of my life; I'm not allowed to leave to hangout with friends, not allowed to basically do anything; I had to beg to dye my hair and pierce my nose even though I was graduated and it was my own money. I couldnt even invite who I wanted to my own graduation so my brother couldnt come and she made me cry and feel bad about the fact that I wanted him to go. I was even forced to quit college 3 days before classes started. I had a job at McDonald's for a few days but had to quit because I had a really bad anxiety attack and since I no longer have a job, I get shit on for it. Okay okay okay so basically the 26 year old lied again and I finally stepped up and defended myself (I never defend myself bc I dont like confrontation and it makes my anxiety raise quickly and I cant handle people yelling at me) and it made everything worse. They ganged up on me and to put a long story short, I have until the 15th of December to get out. Idk what I'm going to do considering I have nowhere to go, I'm going to try to speak to my dad about it when he gets off in the morning but I doubt anything is going to change. It gets alot deeper but I dont really feel comfortable speaking about it but just know, it's bad.

I'm sorry that you all read this, I hope the rest of your day or night is good :) <3333

I really dont want to take a break but I might not have a choice, I'm sorry.

#honeybakedthatch rambles

[shibarirobot]

Aizawa Fic - CH2 - Entrapment

+18 Only SFW (for now)

Shouta Aizawa x Villain!OC/Reader (?)

CH1

Above is the link to the first chapter that I wrote for this fic. Please read that one first if you havent, but I’ll give a quick summary anyways.

The main character is a villain holding up a bar that seems to have shady activites being facilitated out of it. Their crew is indisposed at the moment. Eraser Head has just shown up. - That’s basically all. Also their quirk has to do with electro magnetic frequencies.

(italics are other characters thoughts)

Enjoy!~

I suck in a breath behind parted lips. I wasn’t expecting this. I know I should be sweating. Someone who won't easily fall prey to my cerebral attacks, but instead I can't help the trace of a smile on my face. A real smile. I might actually get hurt here. Neither of us speak for an extended moment as we assess each other. I’m watching the black hair floating around his head and framing his furrowed brow, when I notice something about myself, the ringing has stopped. The pulse behind my eyes, the one that never stops, has vanished completely. There is a void in my head where the tangle of noise and thoughts had once lived. I’m taken aback and that's all he needs to launch at me. Jumping at me and shooting his capture weapon out to grip my limbs at the same time.

I don’t get the foreboding sense that I usually have, nothing to predict his movements. He’s in my face quicker than I could have imagined, but I’m still quick enough to throw myself backwards immediately. My back hits the wall and it seems as if I’m cornered. A helpless animal caught in a trap. The hardened scarf around his neck didn’t have the chance to grip onto me, yet the material still nicked into the skin at my wrists, drawing warm blood to the surface. I hiss, but am otherwise unfazed. Blood is blood. Nothing I haven’t seen before. My weapon however, skitters to the ground, out of my reach. I look into his eyes, so close and draw my knee up quickly, connecting it with his chin and kicking him away in two quick movements. I don't have much upper body strength, but I have a practiced kick style that works for me when I do have to fight, hence the weighted boots, helps with impact. For the most part I don’t have to use it. My quirk takes care of most of my hero encounters. But this is no encounter, this is a battle with Erasure Head. 

Eraser Head stumbles back slightly, but quickly regains his footing, shifting and lunging at me once more. I push myself off the wall at an angle, hoping to dodge past him to the left, but he’s too fast. His scarf snakes out to the side and wraps up, around my calf. I slam to the ground and grunt, the wind knocked from my lungs. Fuck, I think I heard a crack. I wheeze and roll to my side, pushing myself back onto my feet with one hand. He’s ready for that though. The scarf wrapping around my neck and holding me in the air. I'm completely at his mercy and I can feel my rib throb, I definitely broke one of them. My smirk is back, teasing myself at this precarious situation. My fingers come up and slide across the hard material protruding from my throat, languidly stroking back and forth. “You like choking me?” His glowing eyes widen for half a second, but his face remains hard, barely letting me know he’s affected. “You do, don’t you?” He breathes slowly, air pushed out of this decompressing lungs. “Yeah. You do.” I say it matter of factly. It’s a statement. He likes choking me. “Choke me harder.” As soon as the last syllable rolls off my tongue the scarf squeezes tight, actually blocking my blood flow, but not crushing my windpipe, it’s so hot. I moan. I don’t mean to really, it's just so right. I close my eyes and let the light, airy feeling of oxygen deprivation wash over me, the smirk still plastered on my face, resigning myself to being captured. 

That’s when it happens, all the pain that had fallen from my head comes crashing back to me, the roar of noise that had grown normal immediately etching away the placid contentment that had taken me just moments before. I scream back to life and force myself into his mind, my feet falling back to the ground as my eyes slowly open again, tears leaking down the side. It had been so quiet. He’s leaning against the wall, eyes screwed shut. I wanna fry his brain, screw him up so bad that he’ll never form coherent sentences again, but then I look at him for real. His hair is playing across his painstricken face and I just wanna reach out and rub my hand across the scruff on his jaw. I want to feel him. He’s the only reason the pain has ever stopped. An urge like the one with the necklace, one I can’t ignore because it comes to me so quickly, raptures my body and I slide my hand up his neck and onto the side of his face. His eyes are still closed as he focuses on staying upright against the wall. My thumb trails over his bottom lip and even I’m stunned at how bold this feels. I lean up close to him, my chest inches from his, and whisper near his neck. “For the record, I liked it too.” I push off the wall and run out into the alley, sprinting towards the street, desperate to get into a crowd and disappear. 

A tingle runs down my spine. He’s chasing me. My cheeks tighten as I smile wider. I must be important if he’s abandoning the room full of citizens and a slumped hero to chase after one villain. I've barely even made a name for myself. My reputation must be growing quickly if they’re this persistent. I flick my wrist out, using a street lamp to swing myself around, facing the direction I had just been running from. If I keep running, he’ll capture me. I know I’m fast, but Eraser Head is so much faster. I see a flash of white and spring sideways, his capture weapon tunnels into the asphalt where I had just been standing. My eyes widen, that would have gone straight through me if I hadn’t moved. I whip my head in his direction, or in the general direction of where I assume he would be considering the angle at which the scarf shot at me. “Hey!! That could have killed m-“ I am unprepared to see him right in front of my face, dropping from the roof overlooking the alley, he had been above me the whole time. My words are cut off as a hard fist makes contact with the side of my jaw and I’m thrown into the brick wall next to me with so much force my eyes cross a little. Damn, I must have really pissed this fucker off. A quiet, involuntary groan pushes itself from my lungs, bringing me back to my surroundings and I can feel that damn capture weapon coiling around my body and squeezing me tightly. I’m bound and unable to move, but it’s not painful, like being caught in a hug by someone a little too excited to see you. I wiggle a little, knowing it’s in vain, then let my head fall to the side, resigned. 

He still has me facing the wall, but I can feel his presence behind me. The noise has gone again and I know that means his eyes are glued to me, I feel suddenly vulnerable. I feel his body warmth behind me, the only indication that he’s close to me, he doesn’t even have a smell. My head lulls to the other side and I giggle deep in the back of my throat when I feel long, adept fingers tangle into the hair at the back of my neck. He spins me in his arm and now I’m staring into his glowing eyes. He’s so close, so close and all I want to do is roll my body against his. I’m not sure why, but I’m so drawn to him, so enamored by the cruelty he shows toward me. My hips buck on their own, trying to get closer to him. My body is still wrapped up tight, so I barely move, just enough for him to see my motive and the grating hunger behind my eyes. He still hasn’t said a word and it feels like my lungs are on fire, not wanting to breathe and break the moment, our eyes are locked together and I swear I see something in them. Something changes, like he stopped looking through me and finally sees me for the first time. That… something vanishes as quickly as it came and he’s looking at me like a villain again, a low down scumbag. 

His flat hand comes speeding at me from thin air and there’s a loud, hollow ‘smack’ that hangs in the air as my cheek blooms with pain. Ow. He just hit my face. I wasn’t prepared for that and I release a mewl that sounds utterly ridiculous, so needy and weak. This is not me, I don’t beg anymore, I take. I can’t start begging for this man in a back alleyway, even if I can feel my body warming from my core. He slaps me again, softer time, just to get my attention. “Who do you work for?” His voice is low and threatening. A chill runs down my spine and settles below my stomach, landing in a strange place that prompts me to wet my lips and stare into his eyes even more intensely. 

‘Who do you work for?’ He asks. He doesn’t know. That’s good at least, the pros don’t know. They know nothing about me or my motivation. They must not even know why I’m here. I pocket that information and smirk again. “Wouldn’t you like to know, Eraser?” It’s a question, but rhetorical. He just grunts and hits me again, still not very hard, but forcing me to blink a few times as my eyes refocus. “Hit me again.” He does, hard. I hadn’t expected him to listen to me. A real moan drops from my lips, one you would probably hear in an adult film, it's loud and sensual, ripping from my vocal box. “Fuuuuck. Maybe we should fight more often.” My tongue slips out to lick my lip and I watch his eyes follow the trail of saliva that it leaves on my flesh. His eyes darting to my lips, then back to my eyes, and down again. His hand raises, like he’s going to hit me again, but he stalls. I suck in a breath, tensing in anticipation for the slap, it doesn’t come. It does, however, wait until I have unclenched my jaw, hurling at the swelling flesh faster than the first one did. That one really does something to me because my neck can no longer hold my head up, I feel like a bobble head as the only thing keeping my eye connected to his is the hand fisted into the nape of my neck, gripping the hair there so tightly I’m surprised it hasn’t been ripped out of my head. He asks me again. 

My eyes refocus, taking longer than it did last time to make his facial features clear. I’m about to tell him to fuck off when I see something just past his right shoulder. About damn time. My eyes flicker back to his face with a knowing smirk back on mine and he looks behind him in time to see a bald man with bat wings drop down into the alley with us. He has tattoos scrawled over every inch of exposed skin and a simple wife beater on. “I didn’t get your signal, looks like I was right to drop in.” He says it casually, like he’s just a friend stopping by my apartment for lunch, giving no indication that we're actually in the middle of a back alley brawl. The ringing in my skull is still vacant as Eraser Head evades this winged man’s attacks. He must still be looking at me somehow, but it seems impossible while he’s bouncing around the tight space between two brick walls. I’m behind him. “Stay still!” My getaway yells at Eraser Head, as if telling him to do so would actually make it happen. That's when I see the mirror, one for trucks to see around corners, that's how he’s still looking at me. I can barely move, but I can still reach my pocket and pull a tiny silver marble out. I keep it there to play with when I can feel my anxiety rising. I roll it between my fingers for a moment, loving the way it glints off the sun and reflects the colors around it, then flick it straight towards the mirror. The battle in front of me doesn’t stop as they try to hit each other, both stellar at evasive maneuvers, but it comes to a spectacular halt as the glass shatters and I’m released from Eraser Head’s hold. My splitting headache tears through me again, but it doesn’t throw me off like it did before. I’m ready for it this time. 

Eraser drops to one knee, trying to push himself back up with the one arm on the ground below him. I lessen the frequency that I’m forcing into his brain and his shoulders relax a bit, not enough to let him stand, but enough that I know he’s paying attention to me now. I reach one hand out and push his long hair to the side, it's softer than I expected and there are small, loose curls here and there, mixed in with the overall weft of waves that tumble from his head. It’s beautiful. I lean down, pressing my body against his, my chest flush to his back and his shoulders tense up again, as if I’m hurting him. I run my fingers through the soft hair at the base of his neck again and press my lips to the side of his throat. “I can’t wait to see you again.” I breathe in one more time and drag my nails down the back of his neck, raising goosebumps, but now I actually do smell something. A slight scent of bergamot and… something else, faintly clinging to his neck. I thought he had no scent, but I was wrong and my nostrils flare. This man is hellbent on making me feral isn’t he? I let out a gravelly grunt from the back of my throat and instinctively sink my teeth into the skin playing at my lips, not hard enough to bleed, but leave a mark that will have people questioning what he does in his free time. 

When I pull away, the eyes of the bat man are focused on me, a pink twinge in his cheeks as if he had seen something he wasn’t supposed to. 

Lucky bastard. That bite was so hot. My dick is getting hard. 

I scowl at him and walk towards his side of the alley, hooking my elbow around his neck and the other around his torso, fastening myself to his side. “Fly.” One word is all I say, black wings stretching to the side and propelling us up. 

Fuck. We’re touching. Fuck. My dick. Fuck. 

Reproachful. 

He falters and I look down at the ground below us. Eraser Head is still gripping himself in pain, but one eye is open and glowing, stalling my getaway. We start to drop, losing momentum. I stare down at Eraser Head and scream into him so loud he falls over immediately, barely catching himself on the wall and vomiting profusely. Our elevation is lifted again as we proceed with the getaway. “Faster!” I scream over the pressurized wind in my ears. We fly past at least a dozen buildings before landing on a tall rooftop. I drop to my feet and push off from the bat as soon as I can. What a vile creature. I look out over the city, feeling the flash drive still in my jacket pocket with my fingers. I know his eyes are on me, that stupid fucking bat. I can hear him, feel him. You would think people would be more careful with their thoughts. 

Wow. That ass. I saved that ass. That ass owes me. Just a feel. 

I reach out and grab his wrist just before his clammy hand touches my soft flesh. Never looking away from the sun starting to ride low on the horizon. “You have terrible manners.” I say slow and matter of fact. I can feel the panic in him, I can practically see the bulging of his eyes. “If you want to keep that hand, I suggest you leave right now.” I let go of his wrist, still looking out peacefully. Neither of us move for a moment and I start to think he will leave, but alas. 

Rude bitch. You owe me!

He reaches out, foregoing my ass and grabbing my hip, trying to yank me back towards him, but instead I spin, grabbing his shoulder and tossing him off the side of the building. We both know he has wings, he can fly, he’s unharmed and a cocky grin pulls his lips apart showing off his teeth. He would be handsome if he wasn’t an absolute prick. He starts to launch for me again when a cocky grin of my own appears on my face. His drops and suddenly so does he as I rip his brain in two, I don’t even try to make it easy on him. I crank up the frequency so high I'm sure I’ve passed dog whistle territory. We’re so high up all I can do is watch him plummet, falling so quickly to the concrete below us you would think he’s a magnet. Then I think to myself, and make it happen. I magnetize him and the ground below the surface, he falls faster, hitting the ground like a meteor, creating a crater in the street so deep the ground shakes and pipes burst. People on the street start to look up and I take that as my cue to disappear. 

Thank you for reading! Hopefully you liked it? Enough to leave a note? Reblog? Comment?

lol anyways...

I will be updating this shortly, within the next couple of days. Thanks again!

CH3

#mr aizawa #aizawa x reader #bnha shouta aizawa #aizawa shouta #my hero academia #my hero fanfic #my hero x reader #bnha x reader #bnha oc #this is starting to get into my kinks #dw it will get so much worse #semi insprired by bound by aizawa on ao3 #read that shit

[fipindustries]

list of comics i made so far

i already shared the list of all the novels i tried to write throughout my llife so i see no reason why not to do the same with the comics i tried to work on. no i should clarify, with my lists of novels there was a clear cut distinction between what was a novel and a short story so to parse one from the other was an easy task. it should be known that i wrote hundreds of shorts stories that i havent shared with anyone. now a similar situation occurs with my comics, i have done hundreds upon hundreds of little comics, short jokes, little skits and short lived strips through my life, so in order to give this list some weight and not make it longer than the bible the criteria i used was that it had to be something i did on a regular basis or that tells a self contained story with a beggining middle and end.

now without further ado, lets begin!

spike Vanderville (age 7)

you can tell i was way more into comics than i was into novels from a young age. done with pen and folded paper, it was the story about a young kid called spike, whose design was heavily inspired by bradley from sticking around, who had magical powers which allowed him to manipulate reality. it was a mix of harry potter and a series of illustrates short stories that came in a magazine in argentina. his best friend was a scarecrow with a pumpkin head that he had brought to life, his archnemesis was a fat bully.

curiously enough i was so passionate about this project even though i had no idea what i was doing and no talent that i actually did like three full colored issues of it. my family was really proud of me. sadly those comics are completly lost to time

andrew and the monkey (age 10)

this was the classical story about a boy and his best friend the talking animal. one page comedy strips done in pen and paper. nothing too clever, just a way for me to try lame jokes mostly stolen from spongebob squarepants. not much else to it. i tried to do like a revamp in 2014 but it was short lived, as you can see the jokes didnt get any less lame

FIP industries (age 17)

mostly done in digital. yes as you can see fip is something that has followed me my whole life in quite the variety of mediums. there were as a matter of fact multiple attempts to make this comic a real thing but time and again they would peter off as i saw that my skill was just not up to the task. i think i have talked more than enough about fip industries on this blog, one interesting thing is that if you follow the link you will come across a lot of proto ideas that i had before they cemented and took their definite shape in the novel (and even after the novel i kept retconning and retooling things over and over again, fip industries is an ongoing thing that will probably last my entire lifetime)

Disregarding Reality I (age 20)

the first iteration of disregarding reality, a humorous strip done in pencil and paper, a fairly short lived affair, lasting no more than 3 months. the entire premise of the comic was an MRA activist and a feminist live together, they are friends, they argue a lot. remember 2013 guys? back when this whole politics bullshit truly kicked off online? this was before gamer gate, mind you. but by that point i had seen more than enough of it on tumblr and i was like “someone should do some scathing commentary with wit and penache” and that someone had to be me. mainly inspired by commics like f@nboys and el goonish hive and a thousand billion others that were so popular back in those halcyon days.

i got bored of it pretty quickly and it wouldnt be until three years later than i would finally decide to re-start the project but until then...

Strangers in the forest (age 21)

here comes a rather productive era in my ouvre, ink and paper, based on a short story i wrote, its about an eldritch monster pretending to be human and a ghost girl, killed by her father. they have a dispute because the monster wants to eat the corpse of the girl but the ghost doesnt want to give up her bones because its the one thing that tethers her to the mortal plane. they eventually resolve their dispute. by this point i was actually, unironically trying my best to do comics which i felt looked professional.

Song of a nightmare (age 21)

another one based on a short story i wrote. ink and paper, a private detective wakes up in the middle of the night and sees a mermaid lying in bed next to him. he spends most of the comic trying to figure out how the hell is this possible. still one of my favourite ones and certainly one of my family’s and friends favourites as well. a rather poetic tale, strongly inspired by argentinian fiction and their propensity towards magical realism, i was reading a lot of cortazar back then.

Aika (age 21)

as you can tell i was on a fucking roll that year. ink and paper, this was a story based upon a simple and basic idea that i had in my mind for years and years. i always liked the concept behind the movie “the kid” where bruce willis mysteriously comes across himself as a kid. so of course one day i came up with the idea, what if you recieved a visit from your future self... but she was a woman?

this is probably the most aggresively trans story i ever wrote in my life, it is literally about a guy realizing they are trans and breaking down over it. here is the giant kicker, i did not realize at all what i was doing. i was completly unaware of what was going on here, i was still deep deep in the closet and not even realizing i was there. it really is astounding the honesty and the rawness with which i wrote this comic and it went all over my head. a perfect example of “im such a great ally lol”

oh also there is time travel i guess. my main impetus (beyond whatever my subconcious was forcing me to do) was my desire to make a complete clusterfuck of a story, i was a huge fan of homestuck, i had read fleek and demon, i wanted to do my own take on a hypercomplicated time travel puzzle plot. other things came out on top of it but i didnt noticed them. fucking hilarious

Hello Agatha (age 21)

a comedic strip about a wacky pixie dream girl having wacky adventures with her wacky friends, one of which is a man with a toilet for a head. what a gut buster, what a knee slapper!

there is not much to say about this one, wacky surreal comedy was always my favourite and so time and again i would try my hand at it but it is surprisingly hard to do!

The /co/ ventures! (age 20 - age25)

an ongoing project done in multiple mediums. i think i said more than enough about this in here and here. it was me practiscing comics, practiscing my humor and adding my tiny grain of sand to the 4chan culture. i am proud to say these comics were actually very well liked there and that i would be recognized without a name or signature of any kind, just on the strength of my style.

the vest kind of madness (age 22)

probably one of the projects in which i put the biggest amount of effort to make it look professional. traditional inks and digital colors. a crossover that i cant believe never happened in comics considering how obvious it is. Rac Shade, the changing man and delirium of the endless, the two flagship vertigo characters associated with madness. clearly a match made in heaven.

to this day im flabbergasted i seem to be the only one to think of this.

Disregarding Reality II (age 23)

another work where i have already spilled rivers of bytes explaining my thought process behind it. after having a no good, terrible, very bad day, finding my self aimless and without purpose, deep in denial and depression, i decided to give my self a big project to have something to get me out of bed every day. these three guys came from the depths of my mind to save me.

this time leaning a lot more on silly humor and surrealism than political commentary, still insanely proud of how much i managed to make this last, almost three years, well over 200 pages! and in here i found the inspiration and the creative energy to tackle all sorts of diverse projects of which we are about to see all about.

Mama Bird (age 24)

my masterpiece.

by far the best comic i ever did. a kid with a bird for a mom. hilarious, touching, heartbreaking. it was a concept that i had come up with when i was 21. back then it was supposed to be exclusively a humorous comic strip but then i found a dramatic angle for the story and that was when everything clicked into place. that was when i realized this was a comic i had to do. and i did it. it took me five months but it was well worth it. still insanely proud of this one

Soft boys (age 25)

a weird experimental little story where i decided to sit down and deconstruct one of the most popular superpowers. super elasticity. more akin to me just mashing my toys against each other than me trying to tell a serious story. i am actually really happy with some of the art here and some of the sequences presented. particularly the final one where a brick joke twenty pages in the making finally pays off.

Hexen Snatch (age 25)

a semi spinoff to my novel FIP industries, we focus on a side character that managed to survive after the events of the novel and how they’ll manage to survive further beyond that. insanely soaked by the magical world of pact by widbow i wanted desperatly to share my own take on magic, every page is accompanied by a little text where i expand upon the lore and the way magic is supposed to work on this world. i really like the prose on those snippets and the ideas they work almost more that the comic itself with which i was not happy at all when i was working on it. i didnt like the character design, i didnt like how the art in general was coming out, i didnt like the pacing of the story or how superficially we were getting to expore this world in the comic proper. i had to take a very long hiatus just to accumulate the will to finish the comic and once i did i feel it really petered off without much of a satisfying payoff.

on some level i blame the exhaustion and frustration that i came out of this comic with for the fact that i ended up quitting disregarding reality soon afterwards.

Maxplosive (age 26)

another project that has followed me across multiple mediums. came up with an idea for a videogame back in 2015. saved it on the back pocket for a while, used it as a story within a story on my novel fan.tastic, practisced a couple of animations with the characters and eventually decided that, if my skills at videogame making were not enough, i had at least more than poven myself as a comic artist so maybe that was the definitive medium in which this idea would have to exist.

the original idea was to tell the story in two parts, the first half would introduce the character and the videogame as if the comic was a playthrough of the game. all fun and childlike and innocent. then the second half was meant to explore the life of the main character as an adult, how being “a videogame protagonist” had ruined her body, her mental health and her life. i tried all sorts of weird stuff with the format here, using reciclable assets, static camera angles and generally presenting the whole thing as if it was a videogame.

sadly the project got too big for my breaches, i was fucking exhausted back then, swamped with a bunch of other projects, my job, other responsabilities, unsatisfied with the story and with no idea where to take it. eventually i got tired, decided to skip a day, then the day became a week and then the week became a month and by then i had to face the facts, i was just no longer able to continue the comic. and so i quit not only maxplosive but disregarding reality all together.

i still did the occasional comic here and then but it wouldnt be until the very end of 20-fucking-20 that i was finally inspired to tackle a new project, my newest one, my last one....

Lapsarian (age 27)

an interesting experiment, i decided to do the whole comic in one sit and then post it chapter by chapter on a weekly basis. a surprising result of this was that i managed to do in one month the same amoung of pages that would have taken me 5 months back when i started disregarding reality, is good to see that after al this time i still got it.

took me a while to get the hang of it again and find my own style once more but once i armed up it was smooth sailing for 40 pages all the way to the end. but what is this comic even about?

its... weird, with full disclosure and no shame, it is mostly a fetish story about big lizard creatures commiting vore. the milkman had already shown me that i could do those types of stories and no lighting would come from the heavens to strike me down so i said, why not as a comic? i like to think that beyond the fetish content it is still a decent story in its own right, an interesting feedback that i got from this is that people are suprised how earnest it is, one saying something like “this is the best pitch for a fetish that i was never interested in”

Conclussion:

looking back on this im surprised, turns out i was a lot more prolific and working a lot more regularly than i expected, in here are documented ten years of creative output that never seems to wane. it was fun to do the roundabout trip and see how my style, my technice and generally my work ethic evolved through the years. another nice thing to see is the multiple formats, the multiple tools and mediums i experimented with, i find myself constantly trying new things, new methods, new angles, new interesting ideas for how to make a comic (without even getting into what to make a comic about).

something i always knew about myself was that drawing is a fundamental part of who i am, it is something that just cant be taken away from me and that will always be a part of my life one way or the other, is good to see it so plainly, in black and white, on this list. here goes for what i might be able to do in the future

#art #writing #fip living life

[salsadifragola]

im (relatively) new to your blog and i dont think i’ve heard much about your ocs!!! ik i’ve seen some art here and there but nothing super substantial :o would you introduce them? or if you wanted to go a but more in depth hmmm what are your most/least favorite thing(s) about each of them? c:

that is true, I havent posted abt them themselfs a lot! im still writing(something im not good at thats why its taking too long hsajhskaj) their personalities and adjusting their backstories here and there, i hope to post their full references soon :’) but yeah i can give some snipets!

UNDER THE CUT BECAUSE I RAMBLED TOO MUCH

Salsa(Whiskers): call me self indulgent but yeah i made myself into a transformer and yeah i am writing stories and comics abt them, and is probably my most fleshed out oc. Salsa was always lost throught his life, having a small altmode with not many functionalities he always landed in jobs he wasnt happy with, when the decepticons started spreading their word around cybertron, salsa was interested and considered joining them! but as the conflict started to become more and more violent, he left the planet in the event called the Exodus lead by Dai Atlas and Tyrest. He couldnt handle the weight of the situation and had a breakdown, stole a small ship with all of he had left and launched himself into the vast expanses of space, adrift.

Cathexis: He was made as a MTO Decepticon soldier but his expertise in chemistry got him the attention of his superiors and he rose as a scientist specialized in explosives! Decepticon ideals were programmed in his brain module, but it started conflicting with his own ideals, something that led him to kill his supervisor and steal an important battle ship from the fleet. Cathexis was declared MIA, as the General didnt want to report such big losses to Megatron and covered any evidence left.

Flow: When he emerged in a Hotspot Near Ibex, he decided he wanted to be a famous racer when he watched Blurr for the first time. He believed Fame and Glory awaited for him and he wanted to get to the top as fast as he could. Alas he wasnt as skilled as he thought he was, that led him to cheating his way thought races, making the use of illegal upgrades and substances. But soon his world would fall around him, the races were canceled and he joined the Autobots. After he had a near death experience and the loss of a close friend in the hands of Turmoil he asked to leave the autobots. He was granted a ship and left with all of his posessions inside.

Salutem: She Emerged from a hotspot near Iacon with a wish to take care of others. She joined the Iaconian academy of science and technology and was dedicated to her studies, but among her classmates was a bot who had a rotten sense of empathy, who didnt care if their patients lived or died, as long as they got what interested them. After a bit of investigating salutem discovered that the bot was retrieving organs to sell to alien species and make a fortune. The deal wasnt theirs of course, they were but just a pawn. the one behind was a senator. Salutem tried to bring them to justice, but as the senator was a powerful figure she was blamed instead of the other bot, and suffered empurata. Shortly after she was expelled from the academy as now she was considered a criminal, after wondering for a few weeks she ended up in the Dead End where she met a kind doctor who had a clinic there. The doctor took her in and believed in her desire to take care and heal others. after the clininc was closed down and the doctor vanished, she joined the autobots in hopes of finding him again. A few years later she had her own unit, a team to call her family and a quiet place, as the outpost she was in was far from the current big conflict... or she thought. The Planet was targeted by the decepticons and salutem and her entire team were declared dead.

Geode: He used to work as a contruction bot back in old cybertron and lived peacefully with his conjux. he enjoyed his work and as a hobby he liked to map out the areas he was sent to. Geode heard about these decepticon guys here and there but didnt mind much, until things started heating up. he didnt like it at all. the decepticons were ruining his beloved planet, the things he built, the natural landscapes, his life, it was all starting to become more and more like a hell. He joined the autobots believing he would end with the menace that were the decepticons, and his size and sheer strenght helped him a lot. After suffering an injure that almost took his life, he was asked to step down. Geode agreed reluctantly, working as a cartographer and geologist to find and help strategize the best places for new bases. Now he was away from the war, it was peaceful, but it never left his mind that also meant the bot he cared for the most would now be far away from him at all times.

Snowtread: “The single most passionate and fiery bot I ever knew” are the words Geode uses to descibe him. Snowtread has a love for good cy-gars and making his conjux smile. He worked alongside Geode as a contruction worker, but unlike his lover, he was unhappy with how monotonous his life was. It wasnt really his given function that bothered him, but the lack of excitement it had. When he heard of the rising decepticons he was curious of what they were planning and kept a close eye on the news. When the senate was taken down and decepticon attacks were rising, he enlisted in the autobots with Geode. Finally he found his calling him in life, the excitmentof shooting enemies down, the thrill of battle! it was just what he desired his whole life! But during one of the cartoons against a decepticon base Geode was shot down and almost lost his life. Snowtread has never felt so desperate in his whole life ... Geode recovered, but he had a lasting injury. Geode wanted to keep going but snowtread begged him to step down, he would never forgive himself if anything like that happened to him again, because if it did ... Geode wouldnt make it. He knows how worried his conjux is of how careless he is, but now he isnt just fighting for the sake of fighting, he is fighting so that Geode can live peacefully.

this might not be their final backstories tho! things may change because im not entirely sure abt some things dsghjhaj

OH WOW I THINK I GOT CARRIED AWAY SORRYY

#long post #salsa ramble #geode #snowtread #flow #cathexis #salutem #salsa oc #salsa #tfoc #Whiskers

[karmaistheguyonthe1975]

Yeah? Yeah.

Heyyyyyyy this is my gift for @coniello​, who I got in the @sincerely-us​ gift exchange! Sorry I’m posting this so late in the day. The prompt was Evan and Jared going on a road trip, but they’re in a fight so they kinda have to bond again. It was fun to write! 

This weekend was going to be... less than ideal, to say the very least. It was supposed to be fun, according to both Evan and Jared’s mothers, and according to the two boys themselves up until a few months ago.

A trip to a waterpark, the same one where they had shared their sixth birthday party, that had been planned for a year. But now, due to f**k-ups on both their parts, they had barely spoken a word to each other in over two months. A small fight over what movie to watch had turned into a shouting match that brought up every disagreement they had had for the past five years.

Of course, they could hardly tell that to their mothers. So there they were, stuck next to each other in a car for two and a half hours and facing two nights in a hotel room together. On top of that, they couldn’t ignore each other. They had to act as if they were still best friends. G r e a t.

The air between them was thick, and you could practically cut the tension with a knife. Both boys were desperate for some opportunity to relieve it, but unsure of how to.

‘I’m sorry,’ Evan typed into his notes, drafting a message that was likely never going to be sent. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything that I did, and I shouldn’t have accused you of lying about your camp friends. I’m sorry I’ve been forcing my presence on you throughout high school, I know you really don’t want to hang out with me, which is understandable. So yeah... I’m sorry.’

He copy-pasted it into his messages with Jared, staring at the send button and running through every situation he could think of if he sent it and if he didn’t.

Then something popped up on the screen: a meme. From Jared.

Evan deleted his message, instead sending a simple ‘Was that supposed to go to me?’

‘yes?’ Jared replied. ‘who else would it have gone to’

‘Oh... Aren’t you mad still?’

‘arent u?’

Evan glanced over at him, a confused look on his face. ‘No? I’m the one who messed up.’ He heard Jared snort a little.

‘havent changed at all i see. u arent the only one who messed up’

‘Jared, I accused you of lying about your camp friends purely because I was jealous of them.’

‘just shut up we both did a Big No accept it’

Evan laughed out loud. ‘I’m just... still sorry.’

‘well stop. like now’

Evan looked over and smiled at him. ‘Fine.’

Jared smirked back, but there was no trace of malice in it. ‘loser,’ he replied.

The rest of the three-hour drive was filled with memes, small-talk, and laughing, and, although it was slightly awkward, neither boy had been happier in a while.

“Okay, boys,” Heidi sighed once they were at the doors of the hotel rooms, trying to support the weight of her packed bags. “Make sure you don’t go to bed too late and meet us in the lobby for breakfast at...” She looked around, waiting for someone else to suggest a time.

“Nine?” Mrs. Kleinman offered.

“Yes, nine,” Heidi confirmed. “That sound good?”

“Yeah,” Evan replied. “Thanks, Mom.” Jared just finger-gunned.

“See you in the morning,” Ms. Kleinman said, opening the door of the room that she and Heidi were sharing.

“See ya!” Jared called, swinging into his own room and pulling Evan in by the elbow.

Evan leaned against the door uncomfortably, biting his lip and looking anywhere other than Jared’s eyes. The car was much easier than this. He could easily avoid eye-contact in the car, only having to look ahead, or out the window. “So...” he tried. “How are you?” Mentally, he scolded himself. God, that was such a stupid question. “I mean like how have you been? Because obviously we’ve been talking for a while and I know... s**t sorry, I’m bad at this.”

Jared laughed and threw himself into the crappy hotel room couch. “Evan, chill out,” he said. “Like seriously.”

“Right,” Evan mumbled. “Sorry- I mean, um...”

“I get it,” Jared interrupted, holding out his hand. “Do you like... want to put your s**t down and sit? You’re allowed to do that.”

Evan looked down and realized he was indeed still holding his bags, suddenly becoming aware of the ache in his arms. “Oh, right.” He placed his bags in a neat pile by the beds, a contrast to the haphazardly stacked ones that Jared had merely tossed onto the bed he’d claimed as his own. He still didn’t sit, though, even when Jared gestured questioningly at the couch.

“Made a college decision yet?” Jared asked. “You didn’t know, last we talked.”

Evan nodded. “I’m gonna take a year to save up, then I’m probably going to do some kind of biology, maybe. Staying close to home, though. You were gonna go... somewhere in Montana, right?”

“Montana State,” Jared agreed. “Computer science. I got a s**t-ton of scholarships, too.” Although you wouldn’t guess it upon first, second, or third impressions of him, Jared was freakishly smart, maintaining a 4.0 in high school despite sleeping through class 50% of the time and regularly skipping.

Evan smiled. “That’s- I’m really happy for you, that’s really great.”

“It’s school,” Jared grumbled. “I don’t know why I’m paying to go. I should be paid to go.”

As Jared complained, his face shifted into a childish frown. The expression reminded Evan of when they were in middle school, including some, ahem, certain feelings that tended to pop up when a hormonal and bisexual 8th grader had a smart, funny... kind of cute-

Oh, S**T! Evan thought. Those feelings we’re supposed to have been kicked to curb years ago. But apparently not.

“Ev,” Jared called, snapping his fingers. “Earth to acorn.”

Evan looked at him (well, more like started paying attention to him. He had been staring after all). “Yeah? Sorry, I, um... I zoned out. Sorry.”

“You were staring at me,” Jared informed bluntly. “I mean, who could blame you, I am gorgeous, but-”

“No I wasn’t!” Evan lied.

“You were.”

“No!”

“Fine then, keep your crush repressed,” Jared teased, both projecting onto Evan and being characteristically oblivious.

Evan turned pink. “I...”

Jared cracked up. “You’re such a dork!” he wheezed.

“I am not!” Evan protested. “You’re the dork.”

In response, Jared held up a finger as he dug through his pockets, finally pulling out a crumpled yellow card. “Uno reverse card,” he smirked.

“You-” Evan said. “You just keep that in your pocket?!”

“Yep,” Jared replied, popping the p.

Finally, Evan sat on the couch, although he remained tense. “I like hanging out with you,” he mumbled, having a momentary burst of courage that left him with immense amounts of regret. “Oh my God, that was so weird, I’m sorry! I just meant like, you know-”

“Evan,” Jared said, trying to stop the word vomit.

“Because we fought and we have talked in months I just missed you, you know? And I-”

“Evan!” Jared repeated, louder, which successfully silenced him. “I know what you mean. You don’t have to explain yourself. I missed you too. I shouldn’t have been such an a*shole during high school.”

Evan smiled weakly. “It’s okay.”

Jared smiled back. “Star Wars?” he asked.

“Oh God,” Evan laughed. “We haven’t watched those since we hung out every weekend in 8th grade.”

“You haven’t,” Jared corrected. “I’m not a heathen, I still watch them regularly.”

“Whatever. Let’s do it.”

One movie later, they had assumed a position in which Jared’s head was resting on Evan’s shoulder and their hands were touching in an effort to make the computer stay steady. Jared stretched a little and looked up at Evan, who had a slight glow surrounding his head from the lights shining through his blond hair. Would it be gay to kiss him? Jared asked himself. YES IT WOULD BE GAY, IDIOT!

Holy s**t, he was actually considering this. He had never been known for being open with his feelings, opting instead for sudden outbursts and passive-aggressive remarks. But lately, he had been doing better. He wasn’t as mean, at least, and slightly less scared of feelings. “Evan...?” he said finally, an audible shake in his voice.

“Yeah?” Evan asked, staring at the space between Jared’s eyes, which was the closest he could comfortably get to eye-contact.

Jared’s hands began to shake slightly, never a good sign. “Can I... s**t...”

Evan moved so he was entirely sat up, taking hold of Jared’s forearm to calm him down. “Jared,” he murmured. “Breathe.” Panic attacks, and the preceding moments, were something that Evan had more experience with than he would care to admit. But in situations like this is was undeniably helpful to know how to deal.

Jared frantically searched Evan’s face for a sign of... something. His eyes moved like those of a caged animal, darting back and forth, even though his body was frozen. Finally, possessed by some other force, he pressed his lips up against Evan’s, staying stiffly there for a moment before realizing what he had done and pulling away.

Evan stared blankly at him for a moment, entirely dumbfounded, before leaning down to repeat it. Jared kissed back momentarily, but pulled away and looked down after a minute.

“Sorry,” Evan muttered. “I shouldn’t have... I didn’t mean to... crap, I messed this all up, didn’t I?”

Jared distanced himself from Evan, giving him a few inches of space. After a few moments of silence, he spoke quietly. “Was that okay?”

“Was it okay with you?” Evan responded, his usual stutter gone and replaced by a shaky, quiet tone.

“If it was with you... yeah.”

“It was,” Evan replied hesitantly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jared looked over at him, biting his lip to refrain from a hopeful smile. He placed his hand half of the distance between them, letting Evan decide whether or not to take it.

Evan moved his hand to cover Jared’s. “Yeah?” he asked, repeating Jared’s question.

“Yeah,” Jared echoed.

And there they sat, comfortably silent, the same thought running through both their heads.

Maybe this trip won’t be so bad.

#deh #kleinsen #jared kleinman #evan hansen #dear evan hansen #sincerely us

[archiefm]

         ... claws my way up from hell once more and vomits onto the dash.... hello. its nora. i used to write rory bergstrom, but if u were here before that u might remember me as greta or alma putnam or..... som1 else.... an endless carousel of trash children..... this is finn, who i actually wrote for an early version of this rp abt 5yrs back now...... grits teeth..... so forgive me if im rusty i havent written him in a long time but seein honey boy gave me a lotta finn muse n im keen to get Back On The Horse yeehaww...

DYLAN O’BRIEN / CIS-MALE — don’t look now, but is that finn o’callaghan i see? the 25 year old criminology and forensic studies student is in their graduate year of study year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be judicious, adroit, morose and cynical, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he will make a name for themselves living off-campus. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her )

shakes my tin can a humble pinterest, ma’am....

finn has a bio pasted at the bottom (n written in like.... 2015.... gross) but it’s long  so if u don’t wanna read it here’s the sparknotes summary..... anyway this was written years ago n a lot of it seems really cliche and lame now but..... we accept the trash we think we deserve

grumpy, ugly sweater wearing, tech-savvy grandpa

very dry sense of humour and embraces nihilism. 

if ron swanson and april ludgate had a baby it would be finn

he was raised in derry, just south of dublin.

from a big family. elder sister called sinead. he also has a younger sister (aoife), a younger brother (colm), and a collie named lassie because his father lovs cliches (finn hates cliches but loves his dog). 

his father was a pub landlord and his mother worked at the market sellin fruit n veg when they met but got a job as a medical receptionist when she had kids cos it meant she cld be there with them in the day and work nights.

his parents met when they were p young and fiesty and rushed into marriage cos they were catholic n just wanted to have sex. his family were literally dirt-poor, but they had a lot of love i guess

hmmmmm his relationship w his father wasn’t the best cos i can’t write character who have healthy relationships w their parents throws up a peace sign. yh, had a pretty emotionally distant, alcoholic violent father n so gets a lot of his bad habits i.e. drinking as a coping mechanism and poor anger management from him BUT anyway

as a kid he was never very motivated in class, he always had a nervous itch to be off somewhere doing something else. struggled under government austerity bcso there just wasn’t the resources to support low income families where the kids had learning difficulties n needed support. fuck the tories am i right 

his mum suggested he try sports to help w his restless energy but he was never any good at football so he took up boxing and tap dance instead. he took to tap dancing like a fish to fuckin water. as adhd n found this as a really good way to use his excess energy in a creative way

had a few run ins with the police in his early teens for spray painting and graffiti, but he straightened himself out n now actually considering becoming a detective inspector??? cops are pigs.

he had a youtube channel where he posted videos of him tapdancing and breakdancing as a kid, basically would be a tiktok boy nowadays, n had like... a small fanbase in his early teens. attended several open auditions unsuccessfully, until he was finally cast in billy eliot when he was fifteen.

during billy eliot he began dating an italian dancer called nina. they became dance partners soon after and toured across the republic with various different shows (inc riverdance lol the classic irish stereotype). their relationship was p toxic tbh, they were both very hot tempered people and just used to argue and fight all the time.

he went semi-pro at tap dancing, and nina couldn’t stand being second best so she moved back to italy with her family. ignored his texts, phone calls, etc, eventually he was driven to the point where he used his savings to buy a plane ticket, showed up at her house and she was like wtf?? freaked out and filed a restraining order accusing him of stalking.

he was fined for harassment and then returned home to derry, but after the incident with nina he quit dancing for good and finished his leaving cert before heading to university in the US to get as far away from nina and his past life as poss. and basically since he quit dancing to study forensics (death kink. finn cant get enough of that morgue. just walks around sayin beat u) he’s become a massive grump and jsut doesn’t see the good in people any more.

u’ll find finn in an old man bar drinking whiskey bc he is in fact an old man at heart or sat on his roof smoking a joint, drawing wolves and lions and skeletons and shit, playing call of duty or getting blazed or at the corner of the room in a house party ignoring everyone and scrolling through twitter. is a massive e-boy. always up-to-date on memes and internet slang. has reddit as an app on his phone

not very good at communication. rather than solve his issues by talking, he’d prefer to just solve them through fighting or running away from his problems hence why he has come halfway across the world to get away from an issue which probs cld have been solved w a few apology emails.

takes a lot to phase him, but when his beserk button gets pressed he can become a bit pugnacious like an angry lil rottweiler. in his undergrad he was in a few fist fights but doesn’t really do tht any more as he doesn’t condone violence.

 in the previous version of this rp he was hospitalised like 5 times. pls, give my son a break. stop tryin to kill him. he literaly got a bottle smashed over his head and bled out all over his favourite angora rug that was the only light of his life

works at the campus coffee shop n always whines about how he’s a slave to capitalism. always smells of coffee

lives off campus with an elderly woman named Marianne, and basically gets reduced rent bcos he makes her dinner / keeps her company. they have a great bond

fan of karl marx. v big on socialism

insomniac with chronic nosebleeds

cynical about everything. too much of a fight club character 4 his own good n has his head up tyler durden’s sphincter

always confused or annoyed

statistics

basic information

full name: finnegan seamus o'callaghan nickname(s): finn age: 25 astrological sign: aries hometown: derry, ireland occupation: phd student / former street entertainer fatal flaw: cynicism positives: self-reliant, street smart, relaxed, intelligent, spontaneous, brave, independent, reliable, trustworthy, loyal. negatives: hostile, impulsive, stubborn, brooding, pugnacious, untrusting, cynical, enigmatic, reserved.

physical

colouring: medium hair colour: dark brown, almost black eye colour: brown height: 5’9” weight: 69kg build: tall, athletic voice: subtle irish accent, low, smooth. dominant hand: left scar(s): one on the left side of his ribs from a knife wound that he doesn’t remember getting cos he was drunk distinguishing marks: freckles, tattoo of a wolf howling at a moon allergies: pollen and the full spectrum of human emotion alcohol tolerance: high drunken behaviour: he becomes friendlier, far more conversational than when sober, flirtier, and generally more self-confident.

psychological

dreams/goals: self-fulfilment, travel the globe, experience life in its most alive and technicoloured version, make documentary films, help the vulnerable in society, grow as a human being.

skills: jack-of-all-trades, very fast runner, good at thieving things, talented tap dancer, good in crisis situations, dab-hand at mechanics, musically-intelligent, can throw a mean right hook and very capable of defending himself, can roll a cigarette, memorises quotes and passages of literature with ease, can light a match with his teeth.

likes: the smell of the earth after rain, poetry, cigarettes, shakespeare, whiskey, tattoos, travelling, ac/dc, deep conversations, leather jackets, open spaces, the smell of petrol, early noughties ‘emo phase’ anthems.

dislikes:  the government, parties, rules, donald trump, children, apple products, weddings, people in general, small talk, dependency, loneliness, pop music, public transport, justin timberlake, uncertainty.fears: fear itself, drowning alignment: true neutral mbti: istp – “while their mechanical tendencies can make them appear simple at a glance, istps are actually quite enigmatic. friendly but very private, calm but suddenly spontaneous, extremely curious but unable to stay focused on formal studies, istp personalities can be a challenge to predict, even by their friends and loved ones. istps can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but they tend to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking their interests in bold new directions.” (via 16personalities.com)

full bio (lame as fuck written years ago..... pleathe...)

tw homophobia

born in quigley’s pub on the backstreets of sunny dublin, young finnegan o'callaghan was thrown kicking and screaming into the rowdy suburbs of irish drinking culture. the son of a landlord and a fishwife, he never had much in the way of earnings, but there was never a dull moment in his lively estate, where asbo’s thrived, but community spirit conquered. at school, finn was pegged as lazy and unmotivated, though truly his dyslexia made it hard for the boy to learn in the same environment of his peers and only made him more closed-off in class. struggling with anger management, finn moved from school to school, unable to fit the cookie-cutter mould that school enforced on him, though whilst academic studies were of little interest to the boy, he soon found his true passions lay in recreational activities. immersed into the joys of sport from as young as four, finn was an ardent munster fan and anticipated nothing more than the day he could finally fit into his brother’s old pair of rugby boots.

his calling finally came unexpectedly, not in the form of rugger, but through dance. to learn to express himself in a non-academic way, he began tap dancing, finding therapy in the beat of his soles against the cracked kitchen tiles (much to his mother’s disgrace). it wasn’t a conscious choice, finn just realised one day that dance was something that made him feel. a king of the streets, finn made his fortune on those cobbled pavements – dancing and drawing to earn his keep. by default, finn became a street artist, each penny he earned from his chalk drawings saved in a jam jar towards buying his first pair of tap shoes. though many of his less-than-amiable neighbours called him a nancy and a gaybo, finn refused to quit at his somewhat ‘unconventional’ hobby, for the young scrapper found energy, life, and released anger through the rhythm of tap. soon he branched out into street dance, hip hop, break dancing, lyrical, his days spent smacking his scuffed feet against the broken patio into the night.

when he was thirteen he took up boxing, and as expected, his newfound ‘macho’ pastime conflicted with his dancing. the boxers called him ‘soft’; the dancers called him ‘inelegant’. he felt like two different people; having to choose between interests was like being handed a knife and asked to which half of himself he wished to cut away. he couldn’t afford professional training in dance, with most schools based in england and limited scholarships available. instead, he made the street his studio, racking up a small fanbase on youtube. when he was fifteen he made his debut in billy eliot at the olympia theatre in dublin. enter nina de souza, talented, beautiful and italian; ballet dancer, operatic singer, genius whiz kid, and spoiled brat. she was selfish, conceited, hell bent on getting her own way, and every director’s nightmare. finn fell for her like a house of cards. he’d always had a soft spot for girls who meant trouble. and so their hellish courtship began.

by the time they were seventeen, the two young swans had danced in every playhouse across the republic. they were known in theatres across the country for their tempestuous personalities, their raging arguments with one another, their tendency to drop out of shows altogether without any notice, yet the money kept rolling in and the audiences continued to grow. for three years, their families continued to put up with their hysterical fights followed by passionate reconciliations. he was too possessive, and she was too wild. their carcrash of a relationship finally came to a catastrophic halt when nina broke off the whole affair and returned to italy with her family. for months finn tried to contact her, yet his phone calls, texts, facebook messages were always ignored, until finally he was driven to drastic measures and used his savings to get a plane to her home town. when finn turned up uninvited at nina’s house she freaked out – and rightly so – she contacted her agent, accused him of stalking her, and had a restraining order placed against him. finn was arrested, held in a station overnight, and charged with harassment before he was allowed to return to dublin.

after the incident with nina, finn lost the fight in his eyes. he became far more hostile, far less likely to retaliate with his own fists, and picked fights not for the thrill of feeling his own fists pummel another into a wall, but for the sensation of his own brittle bones cracking. he dropped his tap shoes in a dumpster, stopped talking to his friends, followed his father’s advice and went back to school to complete his leaving certificate. a few short months later, and finn was packing his bags, saying his bittersweet goodbyes, and travelling half-way across the globe to be as far away as possible from his past self, his mess of a life, and most of all nina. it seemed somehow ironic that the boy who had been cautioned by the garda so much during his youth for spray painting, busking without a liscence, and raucous parties would become the grumpy, aloof overseas student studying a degree in criminology; that his once reckless spirit could be crushed so easily. 

of all things that finn could be called, straightforward would never be one of them. ever since his first days in atticus, the boy was pegged as hostile, hot-headed, cynical, rude. he seemed to spend more time in his thoughts than engaging in conversation. like a ticking time-bomb, finn’s anger was of the calm kind, liable to explode without a moment’s noticed. his unpredictable personality make him something of an enigma to those who aren’t amiable with the lad, though hostile as he may appear, he harvests a good heart. loyalty lies at the centre of his affections, and whilst his friends are few in number, he makes a lifelong partner. somewhere within finn, there’s still some fight left, but mostly he has recognised that his hedonistic lifestyle did little to leave him fulfilled – mostly, it just emptied him out – and over his three years at university has resigned himself to a nihilistic predicament.

        if u wanna plot with me pls pls pls im me or like this post!! i am always game for plots i love em so excited to write with you all here r some ideas

study buddies. finn is now a phd student so has to start takin shit seriously. he gon be in the library every day doing that independent study. if he had ppl who were also regular library goers n they get each other coffees to save time.... tht wld be sweet

ppl who love techno dj sets and going super hard on the weekends!!! fuck yea

friends with benefits. exes on bad terms. ppl he tried to date but couldnt because he’s always emotionally hung up on someone else. spicy hook up plots

ppl he met touring?? maybe ppl who were also in the entertainment industry..... anyone got a character who is ex circus hit me up

does anyone else study criminology / forensics / criminal psych / law? phd students sometimes lecture so he cld be an assistant lecturer / tutor if ur character is in a younger year

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

finn goes to the skatepark and all the young boys there think he’s a gradnpa which he is! 

#huntingtonintro #is tht the tag....... idk..... msg me xo

[grotesquegabby]

May I ask what everyone has been up too lately?

let me see~ @clownsgobeepbeep since there are mentions of yours and Mags uwu

Amaranthus has been getting her violin lessons along with piano from her dad. Hes been helping her with her stage fright as well, which will come in handy later in the future as you have noticed heheh.

Tove is getting bigger, he’s hit the ugly duckling stage as Lennie calls it. Kind of shedding or molting old fluff but growing new fluff in the process, his little beak has become covered by fluff as well. and his little bug like legs have grown toes and gotten much thicker and also...fluffier. Tove also basically sees Mune and Ama as babies like itself. But doesnt completely understand why they arent molting as well.

Tilde is settling into her little cottage well. Shes looking for a “job” to blend in more. Perhaps a bartender or maybe if she can talk to Billy, he can help her buy out the zoo. Those animals just dont seem the happiest.

Lennie is happy to just be with his family. uwu he is...content. And has been exercising a bit. Just some light walks and a bit of weight lifting.

Cecilio feels whole again. So glad to have his chest light back. It was basically his heart, but even when it was gone he always had one uwu cause he’s a sweetheart. He’s just been going through the park with his cart and selling balloons, snacks and doing tricks.

Belinda is pregananant.lol. Eating a lot of cake this time around. And craving eyes and tongues. Something she doesn’t actually eat but right now....shes gotta satisfy that craving. Her Honey Bunny is so helpful and caring~ uwu

Calliope is well~, and ever so greatful for Zeta and so in love with Cuckoo. She didn’t see herself in such a situation ever but here she is now. With two little ones and a partner. She couldn’t be happier.

Pierre is....missing in action.

Honey is still upset but shes managing a little better right now. Brie has been trying to distract her and trying to get her to socialize more. 

Billy is busy, hes been making things for the wedding. Gonna go all out with this human tradition. The whole human shabang. His SongBird is very wild so he figured fairy theme and would love to showcase her wings though he will wear fake ones x3 (even though we all know he has some)

Mana and Kala x3 well Kala is still sitting on Manas head when he becomes way too rowdy though for some reason this just gets him even more tail wagging and excited until he finally just gives up and falls asleep. Kala is very protective of the whole family. live in nanny, and Mana is the playful one. It might be a bit obvious but out of the two Kala is older than Mana. Though they are both adults, Kala has more experience as she has been a nanny to many other species before and has also faced more dangers than him. Mana has also been doing some weird...dances lately...hmmmm~

Alex is taking a small break from partying. GASP!!! its a shock to hear I know (- u.u-) but even a cool guy like Alex needs some rest. okay maybe he’s turned the boombox up all the way and is drinking a bunch by himself which can be considered a party for one...but! its a party without anyone else so its as close to a break from it as we’ll ever see from him. but he is doing great. And Fanny is having the best time now that shes back with him.

I feel like I might be missing someone, which I feel bad about cause Ive been so busy that I havent really put much content out lately. I need to fix that I have friday off and then tomorrow as well. but tomorrow is sibling day so Ill post more after the fact. uwu

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

Ghost of you, 15/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 15/?.

Pairings: Human!Nine x Rose; Human!Ten x Jack; Clara Oswald x Olivia Baxter (OC).

Synopsis: "She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before."

A/N: I've started writing this fiction last year after I had a particularly weird dream (as usual) and after I wrote the prologue, I've put it aside to work on other stuff. I've gone back to it not so long ago and decided that it would be the fiction I would post next, after not posting anything for a while. I must have watched I am legend and Game of thrones way too much to come out with something like this but I hope you will like it. I am not a scientist, nor did I have a particular knowledge of sciences. I do my researches on the internet like everyone to make sure everything is as close to the reality as possible. I have a literature degree only. Writing is what I do and it makes me explore next fields, and learn new things.

“'Cause I'd rather feel your pain than nothing at all.” - Three Doors Down.

CHAPTER 15:

Amy woke up slowly. She was wrapped into a cocoon of warmth and well-being. She didn’t remember when was the last time she had felt so well. She stretched her body. She was taking all her time. She didn’t want to lose this precious well-being she hadn’t felt in ages. There was someone lay by her side. She rolled on her side and cuddled into the warm body beside her. She heard a smile and someone wrapped an arm around her. She must be dreaming but that dream was pleasurable. She liked it. She lazily wrapped her arm around that person. She didn’t know what she had expected but certainly not to be so close to a woman. This surprised her beyond words and she reluctantly rolled away from the unknown person she liked cuddling into. She couldn’t let herself go that way. The other woman reacted by trying to soothe her but Amy was too sleepy to be calmed down so easily. She needed to clear her mind first. Moaning, she pushed the hand away and rubbed her eyes. She stretched her body and looked around her. She wasn’t in her office but she wasn’t in her house either. It was a room she didn’t know. Had she done it again? Had she drunk until she had a blackout and been brought home by some stranger? There were pictures on the wall facing the bed. Pictures of a couple. Great, the woman she was with was married. She would have to deal with another cheated husband. She knew well that she didn’t have any control on herself when she was drunk. It was only a way to mute her pain. She was doing this when it was too strong, when it was suffocating her. She focused on the pictures on the wall. She wanted to see what the man she would have to face in the near future – because fate always made sure she faced them – looked like and the last pieces of the puzzle clicked together. It was Maxence Spitz. She remembered how she had ended up here. She had watched Rose work with Maxence for a while and the scientist had taken her into the private parts of the lab. They had had a quick lunch and they had settled down here. After a quick shower, they had lain down in bed and, reassured that she wasn’t alone for once, Amy had fallen asleep rather quickly. How much time had she slept? Had Rose watched her while she was asleep or had she slept too? It felt weird to be here, in this bed, with the wife of the man supposed to be her boss at the moment. But it was the start of a friendship. “How long have I slept?” A certain time according to her croaked voice and the feeling of being rested. She hadn’t felt this way in a very long time. It was before… “I’d say eight solid hours.” “Eight hours?” “You needed that sleep.” “And you?” “A couple hours.” Amy looked up at Rose. She was sat against a pile of pillows, glasses on her head and a book on her lap. She was reading and marking pages by folding their upper corner. Probably a book about her current researches. She looked as exhausted as before though. “You don’t look like someone who’s slept.” “Never said it was a good sleep.” “Do you have nightmares?” “I’m not the only one.” Rose looked away from her book to stare at Amy. Those whiskey eyes were clear on the meaning of those words. Somewhen during the night she had dreamt of this event and she must have screamed and cried and struggled against the sheets. “Sorry.” “Don’t be. I know what it is.” If there was something nice about Rose, it was that she wasn’t asking questions. She was giving her the time to consider the eventuality and if she wasn’t talking, she wouldn’t insist. She would wait until she was ready. “We all have our demons. You know mine already.” “But you don’t know mine.” “You’re not forced to talk to me.” “You’ve been comforting me, that’s the least I can do. You’re also the only one to care about me here.” Her voice was sad when she evoked this lack of friends in her surroundings. Rose was the first one to ever hold a hand out to her in this place and it felt amazing to have someone like her so close to her. Somehow, it felt easier to make friends in such a situation. She hesitantly snuggled closer to her new friend. “In my hometown, I’m known to sleep with married women,” she chuckled. “It only happened once but you know how people are.” “We all do mistakes.” “When my pain was suffocating me, I was going to a pub and drinking until I couldn’t feel it anymore. Once, I was taken home by a woman and I woke up in her bed. Only to be caught by her husband a couple hours later.” Amy fell silent after this admission. She was waiting for the judgement to come. People always judged a woman that was sleeping with someone married or that was having relations with another woman. But Rose didn’t say a thing. Instead, she pointed to a picture on the wall. A younger version of her and Maxence together in a park. Maxence had his arms around Rose and he was smiling brightly. Rose was just as happy on this picture. “This was the day we admitted our feelings to each other. It was one month after I broke up with Liv.” “You mean…” “Olivia Baxter, our doctor. We’ve known each other since forever. I’m totally bi. Not gonna judge you on this one.” “We didn’t…” “No.” Amy was relieved to know this at least. A friend that wasn’t judging her and that hadn’t let her make another mistake. Finally someone open minded. “Not enough alcohol in this building for us to be drunk. And I’m faithful.” “I used to be,” sadly murmured the therapist. She sat up and stared at the wall before her. She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before but Rose was offering her the trust and friendship she needed. It was all new but she knew deep down that she could say anything to this woman. She would listen and never judge. Hopefully. As a way to prove it, Rose took her hand and gently squeezed it. “The virus was already out when it happened. It wasn’t as bad as it is now. We could go out and have fun. And that’s what we did, my husband and son and I. There was a fair in our little town and we’ve spent the day there. It was a long and amazing day. My little boy, my William…” Her voice trailed off and she stopped speaking for a couple minutes. The anxiety was strangling her again. Rose didn’t say anything, she just stroked her hand with her thumb. A way to reassure her, to tell her that she wasn’t alone. After all, she was going through a loss too and she knew what it was. There was nothing to say at the moment. She could only listen. “We let him eat too much sugar and he was sick. I was driving so Bob, my husband, could deal with our son. He was blaming me for buying so much candy floss and so many sweets and I was trying to argue that our son’s happiness was the only thing that mattered. Every kid experiences sickness because of sweets at one point. But this argument signed our end. It distracted us.” She closed her eyes as the memories flew into her mind. She could see herself driving, her husband turned to watch William who was complaining about a belly ache. Two parents arguing and a sick child. She was looking for a place to stop the car so they could get out and breathe some fresh air to make the nausea disappear. And this man came out of nowhere. She brutally steered to avoid him and she lost the control of the car. No matter how hard she was trying to get the control back, the car kept sliding on the road and her husband was yelling at her and it was disturbing her. What had to happen happened. The car left the road and collided with a tree. The shock was so violent and so sudden that the airbags didn’t work. Her head bumped against the steering wheel and she thought it was over for her. “When I woke up, I was in the ICU. They waited until I was transferred to the light cares unit before telling me the truth. They haven’t suffered, they say. The collision killed them both instantly.” This was the last straw. Amy burst into tears and Rose wrapped her arms around her. She hugged her tight and rubbed her back while she cried all the pain that was still hurting her heart.

x

Zachary was worried. He had watched Maxence working and entering all the formula he had written on the wall on his personal space. Zachary had transferred the data to Tegan for him to approve of them. He would have to talk with Rose to be sure this was exact and to use those formula for their researches. But that wasn’t the reason why Zachary was so worried. After he was done, Maxence had cleaned the walls and instead of pacing around his cage, he had lain down and closed his eyes as if he was gonna sleep. At first, Zachary had thought he was doing it out of habit – a habit from when he was human – or because he was simply bored and wanted to look at the ceiling like he was often doing. Allegro was watching a movie in his cell. There was nothing to worry about for him. However, for Maxence, things were getting complicated. His brain seemed to have switched to a standby mode. A sort of sleep that wasn’t really sleep. He was just lying there with his eyes closed. Zachary was keeping an eye on his vital signs. His brain activity had reduced to the minimum, to the very minimum. If Zach didn’t have the other information under his eyes, he would think that the man was dead or about to be. Maybe he was dying. Zachary wasn’t very qualified on this field but he was clever enough to understand that something was wrong. The vital signs weren’t good at all. He entered an alert on their interactive group work. Someone needed to come and do a check up on him. Just to be sure that the fake cure given to him wasn’t having any effect on him anymore. Just a precaution not to lose him all of a sudden. Tegan was busy with the hacker and the maker of this fake cure at the moment and he wouldn’t be able to come before he was done. Rose had gone with Amy a little moment ago and they hadn’t come back yet. Jack and Clara were checking new formulas with Martha. Liv was probably getting some rest somewhere. All the qualified people of this team were busy elsewhere. Zachary hoped they would see the alert before anything happened to Maxence. That could be really bad. Allegro, on the other hand, was perfectly fine. All the effects of the ultraviolet were gone since they had turned off the lights and he hadn’t had any other fit of anger. Another check up was supposed to be done on him. If he was getting three negatives in a row, he would be able to come out of this place. It would be a relief but he wasn’t putting his hopes too high. He was bored in this cage but he was also very safe. Zachary was often chatting with him whenever he was having a small break. “Any good zombie movies to recommend to me?” It was just yesterday. Allegro was in a quite good mood and he wanted to joke. A zombie movie really was the easiest of jokes in the current times. That was why Allegro had asked for this. “What makes you think I’m a fan of zombie movies?” “You’re quite young. Young people love scaring themselves with those sorts of movies.” “Sorry to disappoint you, I’m prefer comedies and anime series. I love a good documentary too.” “Still a kid inside.” “What’s the point of growing up if you can’t be childish at times?” “I like your philosophy but I unfortunately have seen too many horrors to find my innocence again.” Just like Jack, Allegro had been a soldier before. When his contract with the army was over, he hadn’t renewed it. Instead, he had started looking for small jobs that were less stressful and that didn’t require traveling that much. That’s how he had ended up being a security member of this lab. Not a bad job during the good times. “You’re locked in there for a while, why not bringing back all those memories from your childhood? I’m sure the cartoons you used to watch are still available.” “How old do you think I am?” Zachary chuckled. He knew how old Allegro was. He was gonna turn forty soon. On normal times, some of his colleagues would have organised a small surprise party. Just to celebrate this special day. This lab could be such a perfect place sometimes. “Old enough to listen to those songs no one knows on Jazz FM.” “I like this radio. It’s relaxing.” “More a fan of Beethoven, me.” “That is surprising.” “I like rock music. I wish I could have gone to a Maiden concert. I guess it’s a dream that will never come true though.” “You can’t know. They maybe will find a cure that will save this world.” “It will take a while before people start trusting other people again to gather into public places.” “There’s this band I really like. A French band. It’s quite special but it’s really good. Ever heard of Indochine?” “If that’s not about this part of the world, then, I don’t what it is.” “It inspired the name. Listen to it. It’s really nice.” That’s how Zach had ended up on YouTube to listen to that French band while Allegro was taking a nap. Old school, bit weird, but very good. He really liked the music. Some of their songs were bringing energy and good vibes. It certainly was appreciated. “Are you watching one of those cartoons again?” joked Allegro. “Nope.” “That seems entertaining.” “It is. That’s the band you’ve told me about. I don’t understand half the lyrics but their music is nice.” “You can’t understand them. There isn’t any sense to their lyrics most of the time.” “Not sure about it.” “That’s not what’s causing you to be so anxious though.” “No. I’m keeping an eye on Maxence’s vital signs and they haven’t been good for a couple hours. I’ve entered an alert but no one has seen it yet.” “Is this that bad?” “If there wasn’t this information on my screen, I’d thought he’s dead. He hasn’t moved in hours.” “And no one had come? That’s weird.” “They’re all busy. T is on the hacker case. Rose is with the therapist. Jack and Clara and Martha are busy with some new formulas. I have no idea where Liv can be. And there’s nothing…” He was interrupted in his explanation by the striding sound and the red alert on his screens. Maxence sat up straight suddenly, gasping for air. He tapped the wall for someone to help him. Zach was powerless but thankfully, he saw Liv, fully dressed into a hazmat suit, running straight to his cage. She had seen the alert, he thought with relief. Maxence was coughing now. He still couldn’t breathe. He fell down the bed, on his hands and knees. Liv tried to talk to him but he wasn’t listening. All he wanted was air. She placed an oxygen mask on his face. He greedily breathed in that pure air finally reaching his lungs. “Breathe slowly, Maxence. Very slowly.” He wasn’t listening. He was too focused on taking as much air as he could. He was feeling better now that he could breathe again. He looked up at Liv and saw the sadness and fear in her eyes. She pressed her fingers on his ear briefly and pulled them back. The tip of her gloves was covered with a crimson sticky fluid. Blood. He touched his face, his ears, his nose, his mouth and his fingers were covered with the same blood. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. “We’re gonna have to make you go through another scan.” She had seen his latest results and they were bad. Jack had created an alert about it earlier this week. Zachary’s had made an echo to this alert and was telling them that the situation was getting worse. Maxence was fighting the virus and it was slowly killing him. Liv cupped his cheek. “You have to stop fighting. I know you don’t want to, but you have to. It’s important. You’re dying, Maxence.” Dying. The word echoed in his mind. Wasn’t he already dying? Wasn’t he dead since the moment he had been infected? He wanted to get better and he needed to be himself to find that cure. He couldn’t be himself if he stopped fighting. Rose wanted him to fight. So he had to keep fighting. Whatever it caused him. “I’m serious, Max. You might not hold on until we find that cure if you don’t let the virus win.” He shook his head and put the mask back on his face. Liv was amazed to see how aware he was of his surroundings. She knew it was because he was fighting but it was still a shock to see it. “Rose will understand. Nightwalkers don’t die from the virus unless they get involved in fights. You can’t be both. You’ll get back to your real self, but not now.” He pushed the mask away once again. His breathing was much better. He didn’t need it anymore. He gave it back to Liv. She would probably have to destroy it now. She wouldn’t use it on someone healthy. Or she would keep it for him if he was having another fit. “You can let go. It’s okay.” He didn’t want to. He refused to. He didn’t want to abandon his friends, his team. He wanted to help them as much as he could. Even if he had to die for this. He shook his head and Liv took her hand away from his face. “I’ll always be there to save you like you’ve saved me if you keep fighting. I won’t let you die.” He was surprised by the sudden change of speech from the young woman. What was making her change her mind so quickly? There must be a reason for that. “You never gave up when I was in troubles,” she murmured. “So I’m never gonna give up until you’re better.” Next thing he knew, she was hugging him tight. The plastic of the suit creaked. It was rather unpleasant to feel this against his skin but it was the first time he was given a hug in forever. So he hugged her back. It wasn’t the same as hugging Rose but it was okay. He liked it. Finally someone wasn’t afraid of the nightwalker him.

x

Tegan quickly walked to the public workspace where Camden and Donna were working. Camden had asked for him to come because they had found a clue for the patient zero. Even if it was good news, he wasn’t pleased to be interrupted in his rest. He had sorted things out with Colin and made him lock away in an empty area of the lab with guards to be sure he wouldn’t run away. It was also for him to be fed and taken care of if there was any problem. This was a solved case. While he was resting after Liv healed him, there had been this alert from Zachary that was causing him to be anxious. So anxious that he was on the edge of panicking. That was why Liv had insisted on him resting. She would check on Maxence and keep him updated. His head was pounding and his face was painful. Colin had quite a punch and doing nothing to protect himself had been a clever but dangerous move. He was paying for it but that pain was highly satisfying knowing the result. He had remained on the couch of his office for a moment before another mail came. A mail from Camden requiring his presence immediately. He had sighed and made his way there. He couldn’t refuse any clue when it was for a cure that would save Maxence. “I hope that’s not a deadlock. I’m not in the mood for fake hopes.” Speaking was hurting because it was using too many muscles that were bruised and sensitive but he couldn’t avoid this conversation. It was too crucial. Donna opened her eyes wide when she saw his face and Camden raised an interrogative eyebrow. This place was rather interesting in the end. The interactions between the scientists seemed to be highly charged. More than in a usual lockdown situation. There were personal matters interfering. It was fascinating. “What has happened to you?” “Bad moves while training.” “I’ve studied biology. This is not an accident.” “Whatever. This is not what brings me here, right?” “Jack and Clara will tell you I’m a very curious man.” “He is,” confirmed Donna. “And I never give up until I have my answers.” “That’s also true,” sighed the red-haired woman. “Well, look for all the answers you want and give me what I’ve come for.” Tegan sat down on the chair facing Camden and pushed the cardboard boxes that were in front of him. He folded his arms on his chest. He wanted to go back to his couch with an ice pack and an aspirin. But he was as curious as Camden and wanted his answers. “As a scientist, you must know what the Xeroderma Pigmentosum is.” “Yes. An extremely rare disease that makes every patient unable to bear the UV lights.” “And did you know there were researches to find a cure?” “Just like every cancer on Earth, there always has been researches for Xeroderma Pigmentosum. Get straight to the point.” Camden gathered a couple of papers that were scattered in front of him and pushed them toward Tegan. The neurologist took them. He didn’t understand where Camden was going but it was because his pain was distracting him. “We’ve found out that the most important researches were done by someone called Myrtle Appleton. Here, in England.” “However,” continued Donna, “she was sacked from the lab she was working in because she was using unconventional methods. It was a couple days before the virus hit the world officially.” “But she didn’t stop her researches. She has done them clandestinely.” “So, you’re telling me that this Myrtle Appleton was running experiences secretly and that one of these experiences might have gone wrong and provoked this whole mess?” “Yes.” Tegan put the documents down. He hadn’t even read them. His mind was focused on something else, something that didn’t please him at all. He jumped to his feet and left the workspace. He made his way to the empty part of the building where Colin was locked. Their paths kept crossing and Tegan really, really hated it…

To be continued...

Ghost of you © | 2017 - 2018 | Tous droits réservés.

×××

In the next chapter:

Colin was outrageously relaxed for someone who had been sacked and locked away. Tegan was resisting the envy of throwing him out of the lab and letting him see how he would survive out there. It was a chance that it hadn’t done it yet since Colin was gonna be really useful if he accepted to speak. Tegan wouldn’t get inside his prison. It would be playing Colin’s game. He would just do what he had to do by staying outside. One black eye was enough for him. He observed Colin. The scientist was laid on the desk of the room and watching the ceiling. He had a smirk on his face. He didn’t seem bothered at all by the whole situation. He was annoyed to have been caught but he was living it quite well. And this was infuriating Tegan. How could this mad scientist be so happy with himself when he almost killed a man?

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#doctor who #ninth doctor #rose tyler #tenth doctor #jack harkness #doctor x rose #ficandchips #dw fic #ghost of you

[pidgezero-one]

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

[i-amusemyself]

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

[ryuseishi]

Okay I am going to do kind of some considerations/points about IBO. This probably is going to be pretty long and will have a LOT. OF. FEELINGS. I’m pretty sure that later i’ll be like “i wish i could write more” “i forgot that” “i also wanted to mention that” but since now I’m all FEELS just let me do this.

when i started watching this show i didn’t know that i would be so into it. This was my first time watching a show with mechas and my first time watching any gundam series. I didn’t thought I would end up so involved but I did. And get hurted. Like a lot. A show never hurted me like this. Seriously. Ibo hurts.

The characters. About this, I actually thought that would be more development like I was hoping for Hush. But as I readed a fez days ago, its kinda hard to give a more deeply development when you have so many characters. Anyway I was expecting the development BUT...Well we didn’t see it.

I’m having to kind of feelings rn. One is empty. Is that even a feeling? However. I’m feeling empty bc thats what happens when you get so involved with something and it crushes you until the very end. I’m feeling empty bc I’ll miss the boys, I’ll miss Tekkadan, I’ll miss Kudelia and Atra, I’ll. The other but not less important feeling: relief. Yes I am relieved that they wont have to fight anymore. Yes I am relieved that they wont put their lives in such a dangerous like this anymore. Yes I am relieved that they’re all moving forward and are walking toward the light. Yes I am relieved that each one of them founded their place.

I also could see a lot of differents things in this show and could think a lot about the so many subjects they worked here. Some moments, weren’t a few ones, a caught myself thinking about their issues, their reasons and also felt beyond the words so many times spoken. Mostly (that I can remember) are the Kudelia’s words and speeches.

The relationships of all of them, i love it. The brotherhood, the love, the family, Tekkadan. I. Love. It. ill cry if i try to say anything else about their relationships heavens help me

I l o v e the soundtrack of IBO. Seriously. I have some fave ones but i like all of it.

I liked a lot of the characters but I’ll not talk about all of them because if I think more about it I’ll cry. I just want to say that I appreciate them a lot and their singularities. Kudelia, Atra, Eugene, Yamagi (THANKS HEAVENS THEY’RE SAFE), Hush (oh dear boy i really wanted to see more about you *cries in tekkadan language*), Lafter, Akihiro (their together now, at least), Aston...And also for the others member of Tekkadan and the others nice characters like Crank (1st season yeah). BUT, FOR THESE TWO I NEED TO DO A LITTLE SPEECH

Orga

Orga was the first I fell in love with when I started watching the show. I want to say so many things about him but my head just keep “I love you I love you I love you”. He wanted so badly to create a family to all of them, to all those kids that were used and treated like instruments and the ones who weren’t even considerated human at all. The human debris. Remember when he was drunk and said with a relieved and happy face “I finally get to create a family for you”. That is one of most parts I like and makes me happy and cry. Since the very begining Orga wanted to create a place to them. A place where they truly belong and would feel like their lives worth the cost. Even beeing just a “child” he tooked the responsabilty to carry them all and lead them. He was always trying to think in a better way to make the best for his family. Orga also could felt the weight of this resposabilty on his back so many times. I lost the count of how many times I saw he desperated and (in my opinion) blaming himself for putting the others into dangerous situations and when he wasnt able to protect them. Bc thats how Orga is, he CARES ABOUT HIS FAMILY. Also, his relationship with Naze was such a gift to me bc he really considered Naze as a brother. I remember one episode that Merribit tells Orga that Naze wants to talk to him and he just get up suddenly and with such a happy face “Aniki????”. I mean...He’s just a boy he’s so damn precious. Orga gave the first step to give the freedom for everyone of course receiving support of them bc they. are. a. family. I think that at the end, if he was able to see how the members of the family that he created moving forward and living, he would be so relieved and happy. Bc thats how Orga is. Thats our Danchou.

Shino

About Shino OMG HEAVENS PLEASE MAKE ME ABLE TO WRITE THIS WITHOUT CRYING LIKE A KID. Shino was one of the first characters I also fell in love with when I started watching the show. The type of person that he is makes my heart pound like hell. He was truly warm and such a handsome person in every level. In my opinion he’s the kind thats always making jokes, smiling and rise up the mood of people who are around him. I also always saw him as an open-minded person. One of the things that I most liked of him and to me it got pretty clear when we saw the flashbacks of his conversation with Eugene. When he asks to Eugene if he thinks that Yamagi likes him and Eugene is like “duh cant believe u havent realized it before” and Shino wasn’t and never showed himself unconfortable with Yamagi’s feelings. The only thing on his mind is that they were a family, it was never like “hes a boy” THATS NOTHING TO DO WITH. AND THAT’S ONE OF THE MOST REASONS WHY I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. Then, he saying to Yamagi that they will drink together after this last battle got all my feels. Just THE TWO OF THEM. BC SHINO KNOWS ABOUT YAMAGI’S FEELINGS AND HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS (by going out just the two of them). About his death: seeing him desperate and frustrated when he missed the shoot and screaming and crying made my heart fall apart. I cant bear watching that scene bc its SUPER HEARTBREAKING seeing a person thats always so up ending up like that.That wasnt fair. But I want to remember of his smile. All the scenes of his smile that keeps appearing in my mind makes me smile too. Because thats how Shino is, he is a brighty and warm light that fills my heart. PS: I’m really glad that they reiterated Shino’s bisexuality. PS2: Im also glad to know he does not like carrots.

Now, I want to finish this with some words of the last episode the last flag that are fixed in my heart and got my feelings.

These got my feelings....

Thank you IBO.

#gundam ibo #gundam ibo spoilers #gundam iron blooded orphans #gundam tekketsu no orphans #iron blooded orphans #tekketsu no orphans #g_tekketsu #tekkadan #the last flag #i am kinda empty rn i am trying to move forward but now its not possible

[fipindustries]

The ending of Fip in the big city

if you had been following me and paying close attention you will notice that my blog has a specific tag, #fip in the big city. it is a tag i came up with four years ago when i moved to cordoba to live on my own, borne out of the fact that i had never lived in a big city before, so there were all sorts of weird, coold, new experiences to doccument as i discovered the city as well as life as an adult, looking for a job, making new friends, interacting with the job market, getting into relationships, all that good stuff.

well, that tag is coming to an end for very sad reasons. im moving back with my mom. i couldnt find a job and i can no longer live with my ex.

after four years i just havent been able to find a stable job with a reliable salary, only temp gigs and freelance work online, not enough to rent an apartment and living by myself without support from my parents. for a while it seemed like that wouldnt matter that much because i was living with my girlfriend and she owned her apartment so i didnt have to help with the rent, only with the food and she was glad to put forth a bit more than me money wise. but then, about a year ago we broke up.

now in normal circumstances that would have been the end of it but we both decided to stay as friends and she graciously accpted to house me until i could get my feet back on the ground, and things seemed like they were more or less going in that direction as of march of this year.

but then, well, 2020 happened.

we got stuck with each other, me unable to lok for a job as half of the economy in my country was shut down, unable to leave the apartment and unable to interact with anyone else but each other as resentment, little papercuts, disagreements, frustrations and unpleasantness increased little by little through the months.

so my panic attacks came back and worse and more frequently than before.

let me tell you something about my health, i am very neglectful of it generally, i do try to eat healthy and get some minor excersice by way of taking long walks and try to have a good night sleep every day. but as things in this quarentine degenerated more and more so did my own care of myself and so did the fears of something going wrong. i can put up with a lot, i can be bent in the floor from stomach ache, have my skull split in twain due to headache, and coughing half my body weight in phlegm and mentally i’ll be stable because i know what is happening and i know that it will go away as long as i eat healthy, rest and drink enough water. i can put up with a lot as long as i know what im dealing with.

so you know, first time i start coughing and feeling some aches in my chest i get scared but then im like ok best case scenario itw nothing, just a minor flu, worst case scenario im not in a risk group so i just have to endure for two weeks and it will be gone, if things get really bad i’ll just go to a hospital, im not going to die.

and then it just kept going, and my panic attacks came into the mix and they kept getting worse and worse every week.

one of my biggest fears is asphixiation, the idea of trying to breathe and not being able to scares the crap out of me in a way i cant put into words. worrying that i might start feeling like my breath is not enough and caling  the hospital and the ambulance not getting there before i die kept me awake at night. and this was every night. for three months.

finally my ex had enough and said that this situation was no longer sustainable and that she couldnt put up with it any longer. i agreed with her, even without the fear of disease, living in her apartment had become just too toxic an enviroment for both of us. had it not being for the quarentine making it to move from one city to another extremely difficult i would have moved out months ago.

so that is the situation, and considering the way the world is going, considering the economy in my country and considering my own situation as a person with barely any job experience and trained in jobs that just not on high demand i just dont see myself coming back to the city next year or any other for a long time.

so, basically, im moving back with my mom, i have no idea what the future has in store and it whatever it might be it doesnt look like anything good. hopes are dim, spirits are low.

will be in forced quarentine at a hotel for two weeks before im allowed to go to my house so that’ll be fun. see y’all on the other side.

#coronavirus #anxiety #fip in the big city #fip is going back to hometown