#guess what i'm experiencing now

[abyssaldyke]

I hate weed bc sometimes it's coyota torolla and sometimes it's juice that makes you scared and sometimes it's Everyone I Have Ever Admired is Silently Disappointed in My Art and it's really fucking dealer's choice based on what time of year it is and how close we are to Venus. It seriously almost makes me miss getting drunk every day bc that was like Girl from Impanema 3 hr version but every so often the Real Actual Devil leans over and is like "you know you're just like your father, right? You will make all of his mistakes and neither of you will ever grow up. How does that make you feel?" Like it wasn't great but at least it was fucking consistent, you know?

#ya girl #guess what i'm experiencing now #drug ment #i suppose #though i mean if you're here. you kinda know the name of the game already

[l0ganberry]

Now I definitely know I'm going to hell.....

Sorry not sorry

#To be honest #i just wanted to test out on “what if I drew angst over wholesome?” #because I love angst so much but sometimes hate it #i promised myself to not do it on Dogday because..... he's already experienced and went through enough right? #i guess not to my friend that “commissioned” me to do it. #now that I'm drawing Dogday as if it's a normal thing #I guess I shall huh? #i hope he likes it #but I really do hate how I drew and colored Catnap #I need to do a separate one just about my style of Catnap #Since he's actually really cool and creepy #Who else doesn't like a crazy character that is completely delusional to a leader they believe are god?🙃 #And that tortured their dearest friend during the whole process? #Either way.... yes #Anyways #traditional art #artists on tumblr #rambles #dogday #poppy playtime 3 #poppy playtime chapter 3 #poppy playtime fanart #catnap

[imaginaryanon]

"ah fuck i guess [thing] is over/has been cancelled so i gotta quickly post the rest of the art i've done about it then move on 😭😭😭" you guys live like this? genuinely?

#and yeah i AM paraphrasing a post i've seen with mine own two eyes recently #i know what it's like to post for a small/dead/irrelevant fandom but posting about it is. in fact. how you keep it not dead #what kind of influencer brain worms are people experiencing now that instead of creating for Fun and out of Love for the source material #they're doing it to. what. Stay Relevant? for some sort of fucking. Social Media Engagement? please say sike i'm fucking scared #i thought we were making fanworks bc we care about whatever we're creating them about #whether the source material is gonna get 5 more installments/seasons/what have you or not & whether it's Curently Running or not? #sometimes the Official & Canon part of the thing is over. sometimes that's even for the best tbh #but it doesn't mean we have to immediately forget about it?? i simply Do Not Get It is what i'm saying here i guess #personal blah #anyway unrelated but who wants to go get me groceries. it's cold. it's dark. it's RAINING. and i have to go outside. hell on earth etc etc

[forcedhesitation]

stop fucking flirting with me, you rancid little man

#bg3 #thoughts about media #never had this dialogue before. durge exclusive or...?? #either way- I'm lying astarion. please keep talking about murder. it does something for me personally. #also LMAO at him “hiding” his vampirism. baby I can SEE your fangs and bite mark. you aren't hiding shit. #imagining him asking corydalis this and corydalis having to explain that decapitating him would be difficult due to his scaly skin. #with the parasite- his abilities are weakened and thus he can actually be poisoned whereas normally he is immune. #he'd admit he's always been curious what it's like to be poisoned lol. #you know. despite only having fully beat the game once- I have nearly 500 hrs in bg3. #I've half finished many campaigns. and now. when I must begin an adventure with no corydalis to return to... #...well it hurts. it is not the same without him...I will forever treasure him and experiencing the story alongside him. #this new character is a durge. aaaanother tiefling because I enjoy them. he isn't Actually the durge lorewise though. #I had my own story already formulated for him. even before I made him in game. I think I still want to keep him a bhaalspawn though. #if not bhaal- he'll be tied to myrkul. since corydalis has existing beef with myrkul. #he's got body type 1 instead of 2 and goodness it is SO strange to Look Up To the gents. like what do you MEAN they are TALL?! #astarion is like a little mouse. he is not supposed to be tall! wyll has transmasculine short king allure. he is not supposed to be tall! #gale can be a LITTLE tall. I guess. but he's such a sopping wet cat of a man. I can hardly imagine him being THAT tall. #none of them are taller than corydalis! bar halsin and karlach of course.

[henpeckedho]

Boring life update:

Had a stretch of 3 days last week in which I not only didn't want to die but actively wanted to live. 3 days of NO passive SI. I have been out of my SSRIs for a while, it was just my brain finally kicking in a little and offering a small amount of organic serotonin.

I'm back to my normal baseline passive SI this week but those 3 days were a TRIP better than any drug or alcohol I've tried so far. Y'all are going to try and tell me people live like that all the time?! Just walking around just having a will to live? And that's the baseline??

#like what the actual fuck it was incredible #it wasn't like i was magically neurotypical or anything everything else was still there #but now I'm like damn i want that back #guess i need to try and make it through at least a few more months to see if i can have it happen again #however now that I've experienced 3 whole days of it #i can see just how bad my normal baseline is #my doctor's weren't lying it is a miracle I'm still alive #damn I'm not sure how i made it this long either #but then again I've never experienced it before so i didn't know what i was missing #so really had no idea how other people were living

[monty-glasses-roxy]

I talk a lot about Sewerhell for someone that's only developed a small handful of Sewerhell guys

#pop rox talks #I'm. experiencing things right now. this post is lighthearted funnies #but my brain is growing moss for fifth day in a row #these meds are doing some weird shit to me i guess #I'm completely fine btw don't get worried or anything #but the feeling of moss on my brain is very strange and basically the only effect I'm getting so like #take this as you will lmao #i lied i also have this weird desperation #for what? i genuinely do not know #you'd think i would know but that would make too much sense lmao #I'm thinking its understimulation and/or I'm hungry but who fucking knows lmao #anyway I'm bored again

[flickeringflame216]

and if all the people who told you one day it won't hurt all the time and there will be a sunny day and you will be able to notice how beautiful it is were right. what then.

#the number of times over the last week I've nearly burst into tears because I realized I was experiencing joy untempered by sadness! #for the first time in so so long! It's over two years since I've been this at peace! #only by the grace of God am I still here at all #and I don't know I guess I just got used to being miserable but now I'm getting reacquainted with joy. #she's a good and loyal friend and I've missed her dearly. #I think the most peace I've known was on Sunday #It was the two year anniversary of the single worst day of my life #And two years out....I didn't feel like mourning. There's still a sense of loss but what God has given me instead is so much better. #I'm in such a better place mentally and emotionally and even physically with just being safe and being in school and doing well in classes #And I have friends I trust and love and who love me and a balance of work and rest that I never thought I'd have #And in class today we were talking about generalized anxiety disorder which I believe I used to have and...probably don't anymore #Like I used to spend so much time and energy just worrying and then also trying to avoid anxiety attacks and I just...don't anymore #It's been such a slow process and there are of course good and bad days and weeks but overall my brain has healed so much #and realizing that was wild #on healing

[thethingything]

I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.

the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?

I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #emetophobia tw #vent post #<- I guess? I mean it kinda sucks but I'm not that upset about it right now #anyway this is partly from the Cotard's delusion and partly because we also get delusions involving being parasitised #I think they're kind of linked together for us. like there's a similar vibe to them somehow #anyway the Cotard's delusion is like... it flares up every so often and gets really intense #but otherwise it's mostly just there in the background as like ''yeah that's a thing we experience'' but not affecting us that much #it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely #but at the moment it is flaring up so it's like... okay I guess this is what we're doing for the foreseeable future #idk we might just wake up later and be like ''oh never mind'' or it might flare up for a few weeks or whatever #also talking about this is wild because like I've definitely mentioned us having it but I'm still aware that everything says it's super rar #even though we've met multiple other people who have it and we had it for years without knowing it had a name or anything #but I'm still paranoid about getting fakeclaimed because people like to be like ''that's so rare. there's no way you can have that'' #like idk what to tell you buddy my brain is convinced that I'm dead and that my organs are decomposing. I'm not happy about it either #being able to double-bookkeep and know we're experiencing a delusion also makes it weirder #because it's like yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and is technically impossible but my brain has decided that none of that matters #and me being like ''well that can't be true'' feels like being in denial so even though I know it's a delusion #a lot of the time it's easier to just lean into it and go ''okay sure I guess I'm dead. who gives a shit'' #anyway let's see how I end up feeling after talking about this because either I'll post it and be like ''yeah this is fine'' #or I'll get paranoid about being fakeclaimed or people being like ''what the actual fuck'' and end up deleting it

[autistic-shaiapouf]

You know how in mob psycho you can see the percentage counter for how close mob is to absolutely losing it

#i think the weather getting hotter and more summery is dredging up a lot of shit again #on top of the job search being dubious at best #on top of the unresponsive roommates and me talking politics at work (in a good way) and going MAN my home is #not meeting my needs #on top of the room itself being too small the fridge not big enough to accommodate 3 people #half my shit disappearing in the fridge as things get shoved wherever #on top of the current job stressing me past my limits #i dont think i really considered every single factor until i nearly started crying at target while looking at home goods #bc yeah.. yeah i do want home goods but don't have a fucking home large enough to accommodate them #i am feeling rage well out of proportion for what i am experiencing at this very moment but with all factors considered #it seems much more reasonable #it is genuinely so out of proportion I'm getting knocked into dissociative territory; outsourcing my anger #anyways. guess who bought more candles. i came for hand soap. and a drain snake to unclog the bathtub #we've been trying drano to no avail so I'm taking matters into my own hands #everything is starting to burn off and now I'm just. tired. i am doing my best with what I'm being given #shai speaks

[weaselshaped]

Accidentally discovered some deeply embarrassing Tumblr posts I made/reblogged five or more years ago but I also finished freaking out and did some emails toward finding out what steps I can realistically take toward top surgery because as you may have noticed it turns out I cannot actually keep going like this forever. So I guess something useful got done

#I'm very annoyed about the things that have prompted me to this level of self-awareness #Because they mostly consist of like. Getting upset about things on the internet that don't warrant getting upset over #for complicated reasons. And also fucking. Video game. God #I guess if I am going to spend that much money on a game then it's only fair for it to be useful to me in some extra way #But it's also extremely embarrassing! #Tbf also this bit is less the game itself and more 'hey self I notice a trend of you writing about characters whose gender is identical to #yours except they've had this specific thing done. What's that about' which I was finally forced to actually examine by my Gaming Experienc #but it has definitely been a thing before now. So. I don't know. Nothing has been achieved really #I feel both better and worse #self actualization through email

[keeps-ache]

i have a headache and a sweet tea so i'm ready to fight the universe again

#just me hi #i also have a homemade burrito but that doesn't give me half the strength this sugar water is giving me #though i Am nourished now so that's pretty nice #//really tho i am so tired of head hurting. why must it be this way :/ #i assume i've been getting headaches from the bright light (i.e. the Sun or Parking Lot Lights) so this sucks lol #//SO much lettuce in this britto rn !! i am going full rabbit on this shizz #top 5 words my dad would kill me over: britto hvbdjfhj #lettuceeeeeeeeeeeshjbshbdhsbjvebjsvishdsbhvbskvsjn #//oof i Apparently have some sort of ~mineral deficiency~ according to ma and i had to take Pills :// #which is normally fine‚ i take horse pills like a champ and i like to rub it in my brother's face #but these ones were NASTY. GROSS. just absolutely EW. #and also ig they were the ones that make you nauseous so Whatever i guess #was also subjected to the torture known as 'two spoonfuls of black molasses' that i haven't experienced since the michigan summer of '15 #it's NASTYYY #that stuff Lingers !!! what the hewk man !!! #god invented that stuff to punish 10 yr.ols that's the ONly reason it exists trust me #my brother (same brother) Likes it too like. yeah of course Mr. BaconCookie likes the black molasses #and i just found out my OTHER brother likes purple-flavored stuff so now i have to disown him smh #(purple-flavored ??? grape. it's grape. tho yea it doesn't taste like grape so i guess it Is just purple hfhdjhf) #i'm never trusting them again (food-wise) this is just Terrible #//aw shnizzle i dunno if i went over the tag cap fvhsvs #let's see i guess oᵕo

[arcaneyouth]

this shit really makes it hard to want to do anything to distract myself

#vent post #negative #want to play a game to calm myself down? yeah that's not going to help. that's a nice reminder of everything. #want to work on my comic? keenly aware of how much i need to code my own website before webtoon and tumblr fuck themselves over for good #want to watch youtube? keenly aware of how much youtube wants its creators dead too #ok maybe i'll cross stitch. but i'm aware i'm only doing it because its one of the few things available to me anymore #read a book? guess what industry ALSO wants its creators dead! #i can't enjoy any of this because i feel sick #can't even go outside and enjoy myself there's nothing out there for me to even do #that doesnt stave anything off i'm just going to have a breakdown but i'm outside now #the world gets smaller. #i know it will get better. as everything burns a better life will come out of it. #but i don't know how to be ok with experiencing the now while i wait for the better to come #even as i try to look into 'the good industries' so maybe i can survive in this world with an ok job #there's nothing there #i know better than to expect anything perfect but Everything Wants Me Dead #i want the bare minimum of Doesn't Want Me Dead and it doesn't exist #what do i even do. all i can do is keep going while hoping for a miracle.

[sysig]

I remember this game (Patreon)

#Doodles #Terrible news: My hair has gotten long enough that it's trying to center-part all on its own #I need a haircut so bad I don't care how cold it is #Anyway lol onto what this is Actually about #Namely of refixating on Handplates lol - I totally called it ♪ Not that it was hard to guess pfft #When I think about it - I don't think I've ever talked about how I found Vargas through Handplates? :0 #Which is weird to me looking back lol they were both very pivotal moments in my life! One affects the other affects the other on loop #It's a very interesting dance inside my head haha #Being So back on Handplates now really throws that into relief for me #Not to be cheesy Immediately lol but I'm just- so happy that I get to experience these stories ♥ That I get to Keep experiencing them :) #It's only gotten better with time I wonder if it'll ever stop haha - I keep falling more in love with them! #It's really unlike anything else I could compare them to - holistically excellent across the board #If there was just One Thing that I could pin down and say ''This Right Here is the The Thing that I like so much and am so inspired by'' #But there isn't - there isn't just one thing it's everything! #If it wasn't everything I wouldn't be so inspired by Handplates to make Vargas stuff and so inspired by Vargas to appreciate Handplates #And everything in between! Helix and RespectAWoman and just- It's everything! It's holistic excellence! #Even when I first transferred over from Handplates to Vargas it was everything - up to that point anyway haha #I'm just....always having a good time when I'm reading ♥ It's my favourite-favourite #I feel very lucky :) #Handplates #I mean - ostensibly anyway lol

[monotonous-minutia]

so for the last two years I went to see The Nutcracker live at my local performing arts center; but this winter COVID's been coming back with a vengeance in my city so I'm opting out. I'd still like to engage in it though and while I love the one I have saved on spotify I'd also like to watch it. does anyone have suggestions for a recording of a full performance of The Nutcracker that's on youtube or somewhere else online?

thanks in advance!

#personal #3 of my coworkers have gotten covid in the past month #and at least four kids if not more have gotten it since october #which is more than i experienced in my time here from the spring of 2022 till now #i'm like the only person who hasn't gotten significantly sick in the past year #and i'm betting it's because i still wear a mask #i just can't not at this point #it's just frustrating because people out here are like business as usual and i'm STILL social distancing and wearing masks everywhere #and guess what people are starting to get sick again #and not vaccinate because they've become complacent. #it's nice though that the local pharmacies and clinics are pushing the covid vax as much as the flu shot and are offering them together #so anyone who bothers to get the flu shot will likely get the covid one too #but we all know how hard it can be to just get people to take the frickin flu shot #ugh #this summer i'd just started feeling okay taking my mask off at work sometimes for the first time since i started in january 2022 #then fall came along and it's like NOPE #back on for good #anyway #any nutcracker suggestions from the classical music fam?

[brokenyouth]

after having experienced the highs and lows of a wlw situationship i felt like the opposite of the straight girls that say they'd have it way easier if they were into women instead

#don't get me wrong at the end of the day i don't trust anyone and men are worse and scarier to me but damn #when you find out you're into women they sell you the fantasy that women could never make you suffer or that #since it's a gay relationship it could never get as bad as straight relationships #like sure there are differences but #at the end of the day all relationships have the potential of being either great or awful #that was not the first time i suffered from being in love with a woman but #i had only experienced unrequited love before that so it hit me like a truck #the realization that someone could be into me and yet still not want the same things i wanted or love me in the way i wanted to be loved #txt #personal #btw the post is a joke obvi idt I'd have it easier with men i think anyone from any gender has the potential to break my heart lol #i guess after everything i was like what the hell i might as well like a man next since I'm suffering like this #but I wasn't expecting for my ex crush to show up and even less so for my feelings for him to return #so inconvenient for him to show up the day i swore off love #ok sorry I'm done fr now

[unproduciblesmackdown]

thirty tags generally never being enough: LOS-307 also having a perfectly neurodivergent time manifesting as their having a distressing/harmful experience that goes ignored (as does their talking about it, from [forewarning] to [increasingly urgently remarking on it]) b/c no one else shares it, and their efforts to help themself out by requesting a break from a task that's overtaxing them or trying to cool the room to cool themself are thwarted b/c [not continuing to overheat for their own current wellbeing And to avoid its exacerbation and an outright crisis] is dismissed for [i do want to keep playing this game to win it though] and [i would be uncomfortable if cold]. also that when it's way too late it's like oh ok Now um well just cool down it's fine lol. just like irl. iconique autistique

#LOS-307 #i mean this like [the internal experience Can't really exist or be a Problem: not in any way that a) means anyone would take action to #help with that and/or b) means the affected person would be allowed to take action to help themself with that] is more broadly nd #of course nt people have parallel experiences but Do have the sense of being justified in expected their reaction to be Taken Seriously #& this can be tied in to Other [there's a power dynamic] experiences like environments / situations being structured around the norm for #one group while others are having to make all these additional efforts &/or endure a worse time while experiencing this #and the people they could complain to would be like ''well I'm not [experiencing that] & everyone's Been acting fine sooo'' #but cue any sensory factor that is understood to be a ''normal'' & thus ''''universal'''' bother.... #then anyone can immediately drop everything & move heaven & earth about it. like well of course? #fidget cubes as nd sensory/stim aids then interpreted Mainstreamly as a frivolous fad b/c what else could this experience be #gotta ban them from classrooms b/c adhd students stimming or doodling or just being unable to focus Always is like #well that's way deprioritized versus the concept of Normal Kids theoretically being distracted by a Toy #or that yeah say someone's needing to fidget or stim & that Is distracting someone else? #well guess who's always the one who has to stop. that there's not eve an Idea of conflicting needs/experiences when They're the one thrown #or yknow distracted by [w/e condition] or bothered or distressed or impeded from being able to do [xyz] or etc etc #and like i said all the [LOS-307 being chatty & friendly & enthused & reaching out & this isn't interacted w/at all for the longest time & #they have to go ''ok well i'm biting & killing you now?'' before it's recognized] like yeah a day in the life. I'D chat w/you bestie #and even that the fact they don't Already have friends meaning They're not getting key help/backup as they try to bite & kill you.... #unfair tbh. connected devices aren't their friends #oh one Pure Visual Element....they had a vending machine price display go [hello lunella] as she walked by. & didn't notice that either!! #how cute of them & =( hello LOS.... #giving them the ''well another autistic hero'' award. their experiences resonate! they deserve it! #they're melting down; they wanna be more chill; they're minimizing their own experience / telling themself what they Should do.... #screenshot as they display an infinity symbol while saying they're only 8 months old but time is a human construct....