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skyeblue379 · 3 years

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So let’s talk about the newest episode of WandVision there is of course a spoiler warning from this point on

First let’s talk about theories disproved

So the town is made up of the citizens of westview( as far as we know ) the fact the several citizens actors such as the milkman, mailman , and “norm” were shields of agents in previous movies is a conciedence

It’s looking like Anges is a regular citizen not Agatha Harkness, who in the comics was one of the original witches of Salem, a mentor of scarlet witch who was eventually killed by her when she went crazy and almost destroyed the multiverse, but as she was not one the citizens who was identified there is still a chance but we’ll have to wait and see

Okay so let’s talk about what still up in the air theory wise and what we do know thus far

Let’s talk about Mephisto

i still believe that this is how Marvel is choosing to introduce him since he plays an important part in wandas story arch in the comics ( for those who don’t know Wanda creates the twins using a bit of his power/soul and he arranges for them to be stolen by his minion Master pandemonium who uses them as Arms to try and regain Mephisto’s stolen power ( yes you read that right the 80s were wild)

I still believe that he is the one orchestrating everything behind the scenes but I have a new theory on who he is or at least one I have seen but I’m sure is out there cause let’s be honest I’m not that creative lol

I think during the aftermath of the snap Mephisto took advantage of the chaos to take the identity of Hayward the new leader of SWORD

Think about he could’ve seen that there was a chance to take power in the upcoming new agency and knowing marvel they might pull an ego, he might’ve had a had in hand in Maria’s death to make sure that he got control of SWORD and to have Monica have a personal investment in this fight

If we go with this theory that explains why he seems to have vendetta to make out Wanda as the villain and dangerous and why we didn’t see the “ footage “ of Wanda stealing visions body my guess is he is trying to alienate wanda from everyone else so she’ll have no where to turn

The reason I think this isn’t entirely wanda is because while in the comics Wanda is one of the most powerful mutants in the entire multi-verse thus far in the mcu she hasn’t shown that level of power and while I would LOVE if they gave Wanda the power and recognition she deserves I don’t think that’s going to happen given The writers treatment Of the marvel women so far and if given the chance they will make the all powerful villain who manipulating the poor defenseless female who couldn’t help but fall for his evil schemes * cue southern lady hand to forehead swoon*(oh I’m going to piss off some fanboys with that one lol) but really think about it Hollywood as a whole doesn’t like bestowing the mantle of most powerful on women or POC especially in action movies which , whether or not you want to admit it , as a genre is engineered to please cisgender straight white men but that’s a whole other debate and I’m already going off enough tangents as is

I don’t think that it was wanda who left the boundary or if it was I don’t think it was entirely of her own volition I think it was a tactic to further villify Wanda in the eyes of SWORD and cementing the distrust of her by them so Hayward can weaponize SWORD against Wanda and Vision

Expanding on that based on what We’ve seen so far from the eps and the previews it’s going to end up being a battle between SWORD/ Mesphisto who is manipulating everything and everyone to make it seem like it’s Wanda controling the town against Wanda and Vision, with the help of Darcy, agent Jimmy Woo, and Monica after they begin to realize what’s happening

Moving on to Wandas role

So I agree with Visions assement that while Wanda Wasn’t initially consciously aware of what was going on she “ woke up “ at some point is now actively manipulating her surroundings and while she doesn’t want to directly hurt anyone as evident by her protecting Monica while sending her flying through walls and the barrier which could’ve killed her but should’ve at least broken a several bones but she came out with out a scratch

We can see that she knows what she’s doing is wrong but the looks of guilt when confronted with what she is doing she is trying to make sure the citizens are living as normal as possible as seen when she mentions making sure they mow their lawns and make it to their dentist appts and she thinks by controling them she’s making it easier on them but she knows it’s wrong like for example when billy and tommy ask her to bring sparky back to life the look on her face when she tells them there are certain things you can’t mess with and Vision walking up right as she says that I’m guessing within the next couple of episodes she admit to herself that what is happening is wrong

The Twins

So far in the series we see that Billy and Tommy at least posses some of their mother’s power as seen as they can age up seemingly by will power

In the comics billy becomes Wiccan , who takes after his mother’s powers and tommy is speed who inherited his uncles super speed but we have yet to see if these powers will transfer into the show

Side note if they try and change wiccans or speeds sexualities which in the comics wiccan was canonically gay and in a long term relationship hulking, who he eventually married , and Speed who was bisexual and in a relationship with prodigy I will riot

I’m guessing that mephisto is going to take the twins leading to Wanda joining dr strange in his show traveling the multi-verse in trying to find them or some version of them since we can only assume that’s how they are introducing the introducing mutants to the mcu

Speaking of introducing mutants to the MCU

So at the very end of the episode they get a surprise visitor- quicksilver (which several ppl saw coming ) we see that the X-mans Quicksilver arrive at the door

While I am glad that they are reintroducing Quicksilver as his early death was my biggest problem with age of ultron, we will have to wait and see how this pans out in regards to the series as a whole

When we hear the knock we are being lead to assume same as vision that it is another diversion by Wanda which we’ve seen her do several times at this point she seems as confused as he is so I don’t think he’s appeared by her powers proven by the fact when he introduces himself as her brother she’s visibly thrown and understandably confused before hugging him

My guess is that Mephisto( who in the comics also has the power to manipulate reality tho not on the scale that scarlet witch does which is why he needs her) brought him in to distract Wanda and Vision from discovering the truth

Now we can only assume that because of his appearance that other X-men and ppl from that universe will make an appearance in the mcu but to what extent we can’t be sure yet it will largely depend on what actors agree to resign on to their contracts to continue playing their characters so we can assume that Wolverine will not be making an appearance as Hugh jackman has previously stated that he will not be reprising the role but with everyone else’s we will have to wait and see

Let me know what you guys think what you agree or disagree with, further theories etc

EDIT: I apologize it’s been almost a decade since I’ve read the series of comics feature the storyline that WandaVision were based off it was pointed to me by @Hapllucigenia123 that there were a few inaccuracies in my post

the guy with the baby arms was master pandemonium who while he was working under the direction of Mephisto is not him

the twins were made purely out of fractions of Mephistos soul in the comics and he arranged them for them to be kidnapped in order to regain the power he had lost

This doesn’t change my theories much since I don’t believe they are going to have master pandemonium appear in the series because he was a middle man and the writers are going to probably have a bigger villain name to help draw in more views.( also don’t think theyre going to have anyone use the twins as arms cause I don’t see it being taken seriously in this day and age but imagine the memes if they did lol but I will go back and fix the information when I can thank you again @hapllucigenia123 who can also be found in the comments if the tags don’t work

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maedaeme · 2 years

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medical stuff under the cut, mild blood mention

so 1 doctor’s appt and unexpected ER visit later, guess who apparently has a blood clot in my thigh lmao.

i’m ok, and it’s apparently not in the dangerous spot they thought it was, which is good. i have no idea what an impromptu ultrasound and bed stay is going to cost, which is bad.

on the plus side, that same dr. wants to see me in a week to discuss adhd instead of making me wait another fuckin year on the neuro waiting list so ✌️ absolutely exhausting gd day but if the healthcare system does not entirely screw me over at least it was productive

#pointless post #im SO tired #i cried on the phone to a random help desk lady!!! i don't do that!!!!!!!

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unwelcomebraininvaders · 3 years

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Background info

Unwelcome invaders of my brain

i decided to share this story for anyone who is interested for two reasons:

1. I believe in the power of prayer and/or intentional thoughts to heal. I could use all the prayers/intentions you can send my way starting Oct. 12.

2. It seems therapeutic at this point to write about this.

So here we go:

The first symptoms:

Back at the end of 2020 I had what I presumed was an upper respiratory infection and plugged right ear. Someone I work with had the same symptoms so I thought nothing of it. After this went on for a month or so I made an appointment with the ENT. They treated me with steroids and my symptoms did not go away. I went back and they tested my hearing. The Dr. ordered an MRI without telling me what he was suspicious of. I assumed some blockage in my ear.

The first MRI:

I go for this MRI. The next day I get an email the the results are posted in MyChart. I look at the results and they talk about two different kinds of tumors. I call my ENT and tell the front desk--"hey I'm kind of freaking out--my MRI report is posted to MyChart and it's talking about me having two different kinds of brain tumors--I don't have an appointment to see the ENT for another week. Can you get me in sooner?" The receptionist--"hmm...let me look....No sorry can't see you for a week" In my mind " @$!&*" Okay...it's up to me to look this up on Dr. Google and see what I'm dealing with. I google--Ok well at least they appear to both be benign--that's a relief. Can I just tell you the panic of not even knowing if they were cancerous or benign and having no Dr. appt for a whole week!

The ENT Visit a week later

Him: "It turns out you have an Acoustic Neuroma which is a benign brain tumor...blah blah blah "

Me in my mind: "No shit -- you are now proceeding to tell me everything I just spent the last week researching online" "Do you actually think I didn't look at the MRI report the day it was posted to MyChart"

Now what

So I spend the next several weeks researching whether to have radiation to try to kill the tumor or surgery to remove the tumor. I talk with two doctors who do radiation and three doctors who do surgery. The two who do radiation think I'm a good candidate for radiation. Two of the surgeons think I should do surgery. The third surgeon thinks I can go either way. Great! A tie!! So helpful....not! People in my personal life advocate for radiation since it's less invasive--so that becomes the tie breaker.

Radiation

I take the week off work and have radiation. It's every day for 5 days. I feel tired during that week and the following week...but then it's pretty much back to normal. Other than the hearing loss...I feel like my normal self again! Yay! This was too easy. (yes it was too easy)

3 months later

Wow I have an earache on my radiated side and feel like maybe I have a sinus infection. Go to the PA at the ENT's office....she gives me a CT scan and prescribes an antibiotic for my "infection" and steroid for my "swelling" A few days later...the pain is now stabbing in my ear and radiating down to my jaw and the right side of my neck. Hmmm...that doesn't seem normal. ENT's office is closed...talk to the ENT on call...he looks at my CT scan..."you don't have an infection" (great! so I've been taking antibiotics for nothing) Just continue taking the steroid. Fine....so now I'm also on 3000mg per day of over the counter pain meds just to keep myself somewhat out of pain. 3 weeks later I talk to the Radation oncology PA. She puts my on a different steroid. Take that for a week....no change. Finally after a month of lots of pain meds and steroids...the pain magically goes away to replaced by....facial paralysis.

Facial paralysis

Alright this kind of sucks. My right eye won't blink and the right side of my mouth doesn't do what it should. But at least the pain is gone!! So make appointments with my care team to discuss paralysis...they do another MRI. "ooh look at the the center of the tumor died like it was supposed to" uhh that's great I guess but there are some quality of life issues with a partially paralyzed face. "well we have never had a patient with your kind of tumor have facial paralysis after radiation" "we'd like you to have Avastin infusions". I think to myself--well you guys seem pretty smart...let's try it.

Avastin Infusion

It took 6 nurses to find a blood vessel to get my bloodwork done and start the IV. SIX!! Do blood vessels hide if you're scared They must. The next day oh my the pain on the side of my face again! After two weeks of respite from the pain I was oh so sad for it to be back again. I call the care team...their response "hmm...that's odd this infusion shouldn't cause pain". Umm well it did.

Exploring my next steps

Once a tumor has been radiated it is more challenging to remove. So I call up one of the top surgeons of these kinds of tumors and ask for him to let me know what my next step should be. His patient care coordinator says he actually wants to speak with me...so we have a phone call. I'm expecting him to say..."if after x number of months you aren't getting better then you should consider surgery". What he says instead is "you should get this tumor removed as soon as possible" OK then. I said, can it wait a month -- He said, sooner is better.

Timing is not the best

I guess the only way timing for something like this could be better is if you have surgery when there is no hurry. But with this timeline my challenges are:

1. I have an office remodel starting 5 days before I leave to fly down for surgery.

2. I am in the midst of hiring a new doctor. When do I onboard her

This unwanted tenant will be evicted Oct. 12

This is top priority

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artsyxbitchh · 4 years

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oh my fuCKING GOD i’m in SOoO much fucking pain... i’m crying & lying in a ball like i just want it to stop :’(

i just really, really, REALLY fuckin’ wish i had an appt already w the Endometriosis specialist /:

Or at least know when I’d even be able to get an appointment.... i feel so helpless..

i really cannot stop crying... it hurts so bad & i know the pain won’t go away until i eventually, at some point, see the specialist. i hope it’s at least this month...

i just need a doctor who can help the pain like my obgyn is trying but she only knows the basics & wont do another surgery & won’t do real pain management (she is giving me 500mg naproxen & upped my dose of gabapentin to 300mgs 3x a day— but it really only makes me dizzy, it doesnt actually help w the pain & she knows that so idk like I just don’t know) also what I mean by “real pain management” is like either sending me to a pain management clinic, or giving me medication that ACTUALLY works, bc she knows what she’s giving me doesn’t.

she’s seen me needing to hold myself up with the back of a chair and/or the wall, bc if i am standing for more than 30-60 seconds & i don’t have anything to hold onto, i’ll 7/10 times fall from the muscle spasms/pain.

believe me, i know that sounds extreme but that’s really how bad this pain is for me & some other endo warriors.

So idk why my obgyn won’t do surgeries or give me medication that’ll actually take away the pain, idk maybe bc she just doesn’t know what to do I guess? idk but this is one thing i don’t understand, like she’s prescribed me soo many medications & mixing the max dose of two of ‘em could be lethal or put you in a coma... and then she doesn’t want to prescribe me Percocet on a weekly basis, until i can see the specialist? Like a week then we meet then she decides whether or not to give me another week (we’d meet so she could make sure I wouldn’t be abusing them & stuff like that) like idk.. that just doesn’t really make sense to me.

i think she’s only keeping me as a patient though until i can see the specialist bc she’s the only dr I have that knows even just the basics about Endo and she knows that so she can’t just drop me while I have no one else yet. Idk I just wish she’d help me w the pain if she isn’t going to do anything else, just until I can see the specialist like idk,

I’m still crying idk what the fuck to do anymore, you guys.. like I’m just in pain all of the time, idk.. i guess fingers crossed i get to make an appt w the specialist sooner rather than later.

#long rant #Endometriosis #FUCK ENDO #endo warrior

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noteventalented · 2 years

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This post is going to be for my ladies. The married ones that are in single relationships. Yup. Read that again. I met my sons dad in middle school & officially dated him 1st yr. of college when i was 18. For some back story, I’ve had history of bad relationships with men since i was a little girl. This was our first date/picture in October 2010. We were eating after going to the State Fair, i remember thinking i wanted to be with this man forever.. i didn’t know him. The lies started to crumble quick. 2/3 months in, the nightmare that took over 10 years to end had started. I was 1 girlfriend out to 4. Sure, i think i was the favorite one which made me feel “special” then i became obsessed with making him fall in love with me. The most draining part. The part where you loose yourself. He started to be very mean to me- mentally, verbally, physically and we broke up many times where i would then be with other guys that i was also dating for many years so in my head.. it was fair right; we both got hoes. Well, i fell “in love” and wanted him for myself so badly. I fought so many girls to be with him, i went to court for him, i got my car damaged for him, i picked him over my entire family. Y’all i stayed in Dallas while my family went to Cabo & DR! WHAT. i wanted to make sure he would NOT cheat on me 😂, he broke my finger fighting me once, i developed panic attacks, depression, anxiety and he changed me. I was once upon a time so bubbly, funny, loving, outspoken, charming person & he made sure to ruin every part of me, belittle me.. call me names and tell me everyday what a piece of shit i was. 2014, i move into my own house where he managed to play with my head to live with me and boom- biggest regret of my life. At first, i think i was happy? I felt like i could physically see him daily and he wouldn’t cheat right? HA! we went through waves where we were really good then really bad yet trying to have a baby. After a year of trying, i got pregnant in 2016. The day i will forever be grateful for, i am so lucky that my son saved me. He didn’t care about me, my baby.. he would leave me for hours at home & not pick up his phone and be with endless woman.. i actually went thru his phone at 8 months pregnant where i would see all the evidence i needed. I remember feeling lost af. I’m a new mom, the dad has never even rubbed my belly or went to any appt with me. I don’t think that man ever made me feel special on any occasion. He hated me.. he hated the husband life, he hated being faithful & answering to me but guess what he loved? Food, having his clothes washed, cussing me out, getting gifts, having sex with me. I thought, maybe he’s a bad partner but he’ll be a wonderful dad.. cause you know we talked about this. We wanted a baby, we wanted to get married, to buy a house. HA! I feel so bad for 24 year old new mom Karina, i wish i could hug her and tell her she is so strong! This man yelled at me & talked shit to me as I’m laying in a hospital bed less than 30 mins after pushing HIS son. He called me names and yelled at the nurses.. he didn’t help me walk; he actually said “i know you just had a baby but ima need you to hurry up” i cleaned the entire house ONE day post partum because he had the time of his life while i was stuck at the hospital for 3 days.. he never held his son, or spent time with him, bonded. NOTHING. i believe my child didn’t even know that man lived with us until he was 3 😂 i laugh now but man did i CRY.. i remember the last time i ever cried for him. I cried and screamed, promised God i will NEVER shed another tear. I was DONE. baby was 5 mths. i don’t care how scared i was of him, i need to get out. He would tell me constantly “i can’t do this shit” this shit meant “being a parent” so i had to step up and be both. I breastfed full time for 3 years, i worked, i was a MOM. Life is short, please walk away. I promise it will be the best feeling ever. Thank you God for holding my hand, blessing me and guiding me. Don’t be scared ladies, the perfect man is out where as soon as you drop the asshole 🥰😘😉 ❤️

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infertilitysucksblog · 3 years

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Weight Loss for Fertility

So there it was. I was over the BMI limit for RMANJ by nearly 10 points. Which is... A LOT. Doing the calculations, that meant I needed to lose 65lbs before we could ANY fertility treatments. That initial appointment was on 2/13/20. We walked out of that office completely destroyed. We had both taken the day off of work so we stopped to get lunch and I remember saying, “okay, enough is enough.” I started immediately just cutting back on everything.

My dr recommended me to a nutritionist. So I went to see her and she recommended I start by cutting down drastically on carbs and sugars. No duh. I could’ve told her this was my downfall. So she suggested 30g of carbs per meal and 15g of carbs per snack. I tracked as best I could but didn’t get too crazy.

The weight started falling off slowly at first. I got discouraged. Easily. And then it fell off a little more quickly. I started noticing a trend after a few months. The week I ovulated, I was up something stupid like 4-5lbs. But then the following week, I’d be down like...7. So after a couple months I stopped beating myself up if i was up the week of ovulation. That helped a lot.

I keep saying infertility is a rollercoaster and this weight loss journey has been nothing short of that.

Through this time, my nurse had me come in a few times for a BMI check. It was kind of infuriating because a different nurse would do my height and weight each time. Some with my shoes on, some with my shoes off.

Now, I don’t know if you know how BMI works but if you change my damn height, the damn goal weight changes too. So sure enough, that’s what happened. I couldn’t keep track of anything and was so annoyed.

Just before Thanksgiving 2020, I was nearing that 65lb goal. I alerted my nurse. I was on the cusp and I knew it. But she encouraged me to come into the office for a BMI check. Sure enough, a different nurse made me take my shoes off. Thus making me shorter. I missed the BMI clearance by .3 of a BMI point that day. I was disgusted. and livid. and pissed. and depressed. and and and all the feelings.

I decided to give it another month and check before my next period. So on 12/15 I went but this time my nurse guaranteed that she would be the one checking me. And sure enough, I came in at 43.6 BMI, crushing the 45 BMI goal.

Now, let me be the first to say that I know I’m nowhere close to being done losing weight. I know I have way more to go. But getting here was huge for me.

Of equal importance, Andrew was doing Weight Watchers during this time. It was so great doing this together and having that support. It was actually nice that we were each doing our own diets but working toward the same goal. I couldn’t shame him for something that I knew was XX points or whatever and he couldn’t do the same about carbs. It worked.

He lost about 55lbs in that same timeframe. And guess what? Sperm started showing up. Not a ton, but enough for IVF they said. Which was great news because we had started having conversations about donor sperm and/or MicroTESE (sperm extraction surgery on his testicles which is NOT covered by our insurance, etc.). There’s no way to know if it was the meds he was on or the weight loss, or some combo of the two, but things were finally clicking.

I know there are a lot of people who refuse to lose weight for infertility reasons. Saying we shouldn’t be shamed into it, etc. I don’t necessarily disagree. But I’d be kidding myself if I tried to say I was at my healthiest, pre weight loss. We both knew we wanted to lose weight if we are lucky enough to become parents. So we tried to look at this as a win/win in that way.

Also, just let it be known that, in my opinion, BMI is the dumbest shit ever. It doesn’t account for muscle vs. fat. I’m not saying I’m the most muscular person ever but I am certainly not the fattest. To the point that on the day of our initial appt, our nurse saw my weight written down and said - this isn’t what you weigh - no way! I said, I wish it wasn’t but it is. and she asked if she could reweigh me.

Anyway, it’s time to do away with BMI. it’s an ancient method that, quite frankly, I hate.

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nettheworldonfire · 4 years

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On Tuesday, I had a good Tele-health appointment with Dr. Rose. While it wasn’t at 9 am, as scheduled, go firgure, it was a quick and nice “catch-up” where I felt everything I needed to know was addressed. Except of course, my prognosis if the drugs aren’t working, a morbid question that Owen and I would like a numerical answer to (which just isn’t going to happen). Never hurts to ask.

Dr. Rose doesn’t want me to get a CT scan until the state lifts the lock down. He said “this summer” most likely. I don’t need another PET scan or gallium scan (CT is less radiation, so that’s good). He also said that if the Lanreotide alone isn’t working, he wouldn’t want me to start any immunosuppressive drugs or the clinical trial of chemo embolization at Penn before there is a Covid-19 vaccine. Dr. Rose believes that there is a greater chance the Coronavirus would kill me than this cancer. So I guess that’s good, too. Not that I have to wait, but that he feels I CAN wait. He even said he wouldn’t be seeing patients in the same room until a vaccine exists.

I believe the regular embolization is still on the table if things are worse (or not better) once I’m scanned next. I guess I’ll find out more when we speak in the end of May.

He was happy to hear that I am not experiencing side effects from the medication. I mentioned to him that I’m bruising really badly, and often, which is definitely more than normal, so he added another blood test to my bloodwork (which happened in my house this morning). He asked some social emotions am questions and who was shopping for us, etc. to make sure we’re doing okay - a nice gesture - but I think if he saw the total insanity that goes on in my house most days, he may wonder about side effects after all.

This morning a super tall dude with long braids named Ace showed up at my house at 8:15 to take my blood. He was a friendly guy who didn’t say much, except he accused my cat of stealing something out of his tool box of medical supplies. She didn’t, but she was sniffing around in his business. I closed three cats into rooms, but didn’t get a chance to secure Penny and she had to shame me in front of the only person outside of my immediate family who has been in my house this month. Cats.

* Dark side: Waiting for scans and more information.

* Bright side: At least I can get the Lanreotide treatment.

* Next steps:

5/4/20 - Lanreotide injection #3

5/26/20 at 8:30 am - Dr. Rose telehealth appt

* Persistence GIF -

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mulattafury · 7 years

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30 Days of Keto Feels:

god, i’m AWAKE for the first time in years!!

when i read that keto diet helps with “mental clarity,” i just thought it was due to people attributing every positive post-keto development in their life to the diet. i’m aware that some people are pretty “culty” about the keto lifestyle, but if that kind of devotion helps keep them on a healthy path maybe it’s okay. can’t be mad if it dont hurt anyone

AND YET. I still sleep a lot, a lot more than I think is normal (like 10hrs a night if uninterrupted) but when I’m awake I feel driven and purposeful. i get a lot more done in a day than i ever have. the dragging fatigue that feels like sandbags tied to my limbs and to my neck is lighter every day. i feel NEW.

i don’t know if it’s because of the diet, or because of my personal change in outlook. i think the diet might be partly to blame -- keeping careful attention to make sure nutritional needs are met could surely reduce fatigue, and keeping my insulin from spiking/dropping by consuming carbs and sugar could surely help with focus.

i also take adderall to help with focus -- perhaps my more efficient metabolism is causing it to have a stronger effect?

who knows, i feel amazing.

weight loss has stalled, i’ve actually gained some back. i went on a camping trip last week with my family. stayed strictly in my carb/calorie limits for the whole trip, though I did have a little bit of alcohol. i did a lot of hiking and swimming and didn’t drink enough water -- i suspect i may have become dehydrated and started retaining water weight.

i can visually see that my body size is smaller, i can feel and see that my face is slimmer. clothes i bought very recently are fitting quite loose. still, it was very demoralizing to step on the scale, expecting a lower weight after a week of physical activity and a significant calorie deficit (i eat like, 1000-1300 kcal per day, and <20g net carbs) to see that I’d GAINED 5lbs.

but, i keep telling myself that alcohol + dehydration probably fucked me up and I should lose it quickly. (i do count the carbs/calories in alcohol, but i can get a little lazy tracking liquor bc neat whisky has no carbs. i don’t drink much, though, bc keto has murdered my already small tolerance)

i’m going to start lifting and hopefully that will lead to faster body re-composition. i still have a scale weight in mind but what’s more important to me is size. i miss the way my clothes used to fit, i miss being able to buy clothes at places other than plus-size stores.

the smoking has gotten bad. i always smoke a lot when i drink, or when i’m camping/outdoors. my parents both smoke and it’s hard to resist when i’m around them, addiction is hard. but now that i’m home i’m gonna quit again, haven’t bought cigarettes and don’t have any in the house. steadfast.

i try to pretend that i don’t miss tasty foods but i do. it’s just, not as much as i thought i would, or i guess not in the ways i thought i would. my family will apologize for eating carby foods, or my mom will ask if i’ll be okay if she cooks potatoes with dinner or something. it doesn’t bother me usually.

but sometimes, i’ll see a box of poptarts sitting on the counter or something. and think, it would be so easy to just grab one and eat it. i want it. i would have thought nothing of it a month ago. it would be nice to bite into it, the filling would taste so sweet. honestly, a bite or two probably wouldn’t kick me out of ketosis.

but then what? a bite of poptart will just make me want the whole poptart, and then what do i get out of that? is the pleasure worth the disappointment? will the sugar make me sick?

i like the keto diet because it is easy but i also like it because it is absolute. there’s no cheating and making up for it tomorrow. it functions by chemistry, by triggering a metabolic state that will be completely reset if i say “fuck it” and eat a cookie or whatever. it really makes you consider how much you want that cookie, what you really get from it, what else you have in your life that will make you feel as good as eating sugary comfort food.

and that sounds really like a shitty, disordered way of eating/thinking about food, and maybe it is if you don’t eat enough. but as someone who had an unhealthy relationship with food it’s actually very empowering to break this addiction to it, and to mostly feel indifference.

there is so much delicious food i can still eat! i’m lucky that i have the ability to stock up on meats when they’re on sale, and the time/ability to cook for myself. i keep a freezer full of protein and a fridge/pantry full of staples like butter, truvia, and coconut flour, and spend very little per week on groceries.

i havent taken my NDRI since january, because it was turning me into a full-on asshole. i have a dr appt tomorrow and was gonna see about going on another antidepressant, but... fuck it? i’d rather keep that cash in my pocket and spend it on bacon

other cool stuff:

- teeth/gums: healthier, whiter, no plaque build-up like ever - skin: clearer, more even. got a lot of sun this week so it’s misbehaving a little but generally pretty pleased with it. - hemorrhoids (haha gross): gone. that’s all. - body image: through the fuckin’ roof. i don’t look that different but i just like looking at my body more now that i don’t feel like it’s a prison. - cooking skills: awesome. i’m too embarrassing to take to restaurants anymore.

this is a lot. i dont know. it’s hard to talk about it in real life, because when people talk about lifestyle changes like this it’s hard not to feel like they’re telling you that you should do it too or you’re stupid and wrong. but the truth is i’m just happy for ME right now. i mean, i’ll say if you’re considering trying this it’s worth it, but obviously only if it works for you.

but, it’s working for me, and i think it’s working very well.

#keto #ketogenic diet #diet cw///

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therobbinsnest · 7 years

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#WhatIDidOnWednesday

It is WINNING WEDNESDAY people..

Hump day! Im pretty sure i didn't do much today but @crossedbeams tagged me in #whatididwednesday so here it goes...

Honestly these last few days have felt like- everyday i have a list of things to do, and i feel like everyday .. someone is homesick, someone needs to go to the dr, someone needs to come home early from school, someone needs xyz for a project, the cats sick, the washer is leaking.. honestly it feels like the universe is against me.. and I'm fighting a losing battle... soooo here is what i did today...

i got up at 5:30-- why is this a win? cuz my 5 year old is a stuffy snotty mess and even thou she slept all night she was snott-ing and snorting the night away on a bed on the floor next to my bed. so i didn't sleep from 2-4.. but got up at 5:30 anyway. made coffee and ... this is key--- had 1/2 a cup before anyone else got up. --- WINNING

packed 2 lunches, wrote 3 notes for kids for various things, found $20 to give my son, made 2 breakfasts, did the younger 2 girls’ hair, cleaned the kitchen up after the storm of children had come thru, had a smoothie (bonus! thats healthy) when i really wanted a cookie, and got 4 kids to 3 different school on time. -- WINNING

worked out and hit 10,000 steps before 9am- WINNING

collected all the laundry and successfully have been on top of switching shit from washer to dryer all day... which will leave 6 loads of laundry to be folded later... thats a 1/2 WIN... cuz i may not fold it tonight. -- thats a full on WIN people .. 6 loads folded.

showered and made to to my working moms networking meeting which i was gonna skip cuz i could have used the time to well.. work.. but these women are a HOOT and we only meet once a month and they make me laugh so its important to hang out with them.. we all own our own businesses so they can relate to shit i am going thru... and plus there was coffee.... and i got some paid work out of it.. so WINNING there too

stopped at a local italian deli/food store cuz i decided I'm not cooking tonight.. picked up stuff that i can heat up and pretend i made (they will know i didn't make it cuz well.. i can’t really cook ...haaaa) but it frees up my time to do something else.. WINNING

made 2 phone calls that i had been putting off.. one for a dr appt that i really don't wanna have and another to client who owes me money. -- WINNING X 2

picked up one of my kids early from school cuz i was being NICE and she felt like crap so got to spend some time w/ just her.. -- WINNING. Also managed to 2 other kids home earlier than normal and we got to play outside with the neighborhood kids and I got to hang w/ the moms and talk -- WIN for being social and getting fresh air.

managed to get some work done for 2 different organizations i volunteer for that put some huge strides in for some events we are working on... in doing this i not only and helping these groups but managing to make some pretty great business contacts.. -- WINNING

got to connect w/ my friend who just lost her son to mental illness.. and made plans to go to the funeral on Sunday .. which is gonna SUCK on so many levels but will bring peace and closure to his family and to me so that is also a WIN

So looking back.. i did nothing monumental.. AT ALL -- some days i look around and and im like.. wow i did nothing today but kept everyone alive :-O but today i got to cross some things off my list.. so i guess that counts for something!

#we women #we: a manifesto for women everywhere #WhatIDidOnWednesday #winning wednesday

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brunchbitch · 7 years

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3/10/17

My car will cost $1,000 for repairs so that’s awesome.

Went to the chiropractor and my spine is still super fucked up. Basically the L5 vertebra is pretty significantly out of alignment with the rest of the spine which is why I’ve been having so much lower back pain. My neck is also fucked up - it’s crooked bc of the scoliosis so she can’t do much there, but looking at a neck from the side, it should curve backward pretty significantly but mine is pretty much straight up and down with a little bit of a curve in the wrong direction. She said she can work on those things as well as my right jaw and some issues in my shoulder left over from the brachial plexopathy. So the good thing is that I don’t need surgery or a brace (I was really worried about that) but the bad news is that they’re fairly significant problems and will take quite a bit of chiropractic work (as if I don’t have enough appts, now I have to go three times a week). I had my first session today and it was mostly fine except she cracked my neck so hard on both sides and I was like holy shit! I was not expecting that. It kinda hurt a little but felt better afterwards.

Then I saw Brandon. It was another good session! I shared a few more journal entries and he made some comments here and there - he reiterated that this treatment is a choice I need to make and no one else can make it for me. He said he wasn’t 100% sure I would come back to working with him and I was like yeah me neither lol.

I talked more about Aslan and how frustrated I am that it’s so complicated for me - I still love the concept and feel that it applies to so much of my life - like that being vulnerable in relationships is not safe but good - and I don’t want to stop using the concept even though I was hurt by feeling like it wasn’t special to our relationship anymore. It was part of why I was so hesitant to tell him - bc I didn’t want it to become something taboo bc I connect to it so well (I guess I could’ve just said all that lol but I was ashamed and idiotic). He mentioned “but my son being named after it was very hurtful for you” and I like rolled my eyes @myself and was like “BUT IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HURTFUL like I was so stupid! I know you care about me and you would never want me to feel like Aslan wasn’t special to the relationship anymore.” And he was like “can both be true though? Can you honor both sides - that the intention wasn’t supposed to be hurtful and that your interpretation wasn’t my intention, AND, that you were still hurt by it?” And I was like …yes. But I’m still annoyed at myself.

He talked again about how important it is for me to be able to be vulnerable in relationships and he said that Dr. Bohus talked about how there are two competing themes in relationships for me - that of “specialness” and my “darkness”. I asked him “what do you mean darkness? Shame or the trauma?” And he said “everything dark in you.” So I want to be special to people but I also am so ashamed of my darkness so I’m not honest and vulnerable, but that then makes the relationship LESS special. He said the most special relationship would be one where I bring my whole self to it and am completely honest. He said this therapeutic relationship is only going to work if I am able to be honest - about how I’m feeling towards him, how I’m feeling about us, how I’m feeling about the therapy. He repeated how important it is for me to tolerate emotions in relationships bc I gave him a birthday card and he was reading it out loud. I was just staring at my journal and he said something like “that was really thoughtful of you, thank you” and I was just like “…anyways! Moving on.” And he laughed and was like “it’s interesting that you do things that are sweet and thoughtful but you then get uncomfortable and don’t want to be acknowledged for it so that you can ignore the emotion/vulnerability. It’s interesting bc there’s a clear conflict - you do things to nurture a relationship, like this card, while also undermining the closeness of the relationship in other ways - like by acting in ways that result in a 3-month vacation from the relationship! It’s a true conflict for you.” Like damn.

#b #personal #update #bpd #dbt therapy #bpd recovery #aslan

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sumergosuigeneris · 5 years

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January 2, 2019, Part II

I had a therapy session today. It was weird. To start with, I didn’t know I had a session. He called looking for me, and I told him I thought he said it was closed today, plus I didn’t get a reminder. He met with me after his last appt.

It was a weird session.

First, he wants to record the session. I felt so threatened. I was going to go ahead with it, but it made me so upset I said no. I explained he’s the only person I feel safe with. God, it’s making me upset even now.

I was telling him the pertinent stuff from the last 2 weeks, and he interrupted me to talk about how we have to manage time. But he look like 4 or 5 minutes to do the talking. He tried to give me a time limit. I got a bit angry, and then had to say that a)it’s my time, b)I’ve been conscientious of how to use it since the beginning (based on the IOP fiasco), c) I mostly only talk to tell him things I think are pertinent to my treatment, just in case he wants to give me a specfic skill, which he never does, and d)we’re on the same page, so we don’t need to have this conversation again.

Some other stuff. I explained that I was concerned about my progress, or my effort. I didn’t want to say anything about him since I’d already fucked up the appt. He then asked me about my previous therapy experiences, and sort of in relation to him. Like, he had a vague recollection I’ve done it before. I didn’t want to be mean, and in all this time I hadn’t bee able to exactly describe even to myself the problem. I talked about his approach being esoteric/theory, and others being more practical. As I left, I realized the concept I was trying to explain to myself is ‘personalization.’ He’s got a protocol and everyone must fit into it. Everyone else, it felt like they personalized the skills we worked on based on my situation.

We went over that fucking mindfulness shit. I told him I hadn’t done it all over the last 2 weeks. I had to tell him why I didn’t like the link he gave me. He then spent a lot of time explaining his thoughts and basically pussyfooting around telling me to do it. As in, we’re not going to move forward until I listen to his fucking mindfulness crap link for 7 days in a row. I am fucking stuck with his shitty rendering of mindfulness. And he acted at some point like me not doing my homework is common. I had to point out to him that this was the only assignment I hadn’t completed, and frankly it was because I didn’t know I had to do it for a whole week before we could move on.

A couple of times he tried to recap what he thought I was saying or what my MO on something was. He was always wrong. I don’t know if it’s everyone, or just me, that he has trouble ‘getting.’ I’ve been aggravated about it to a certain extent, and tonight was no different.He spends so much fucking time on that sort of shit, without just allowing/encouraging me to tell a whole story, or explain what he doesn’t get. But then I started wondering how many other therapists didn’t really ‘get’ what I was trying to get across, and just faked it? Certainly, my IT at the IOP, after the fact, appeared to me to not get me at all. With that in mind, it occurred to me that my viewpoint was wrong. I should be appreciative that he’s trying.

After I left his room, I thought I should work on being able to trust the recording situation person, so I went back and asked what the what. He said only his supervisor will hear it, only once, and the recording will be deleted after a week. I don’t know.

I just still can’t figure him out. Tonight, my theory du jour is that he’s just veeeerrrry much a student therapist, compared to most of my past therapists, even if he has done a couple years in the field with his LCPC or whatever counseling title he had before he started his psy.d. But then again, the chick I had when my IT was on vacation had just gotten her psyd and she really worked for me. At this point, I’d go back to her in a heartbeat. So maybe he sucks. Maybe he’s just not the one for me.

And I guess I misrepresent myself as not using any skills or techniques or trying to do things on my own outside of therapy, so I had to make a point of saying so today. Like, you want to hurry the talking but then don’t understand why you don’t know the whole story? Oy.

But either way, I think this new fad that therapy works without, or even better because it’s without, knowing an individual’s story is extremely flawed. And that’s being nice.

I don’t know. Maybe I should get another therapist maybe not. We’ll see if and when I get a new fucking job.

I’m reading the second book in the series. Yay the library has the sequel. But technically, I checked to make sure they had it before buying the first one. So I wouldn’t have to buy them all, I could justify buying one. I’m really not a fan of reading electronic books, but it is a cheaper way to do things.

And on my mobdro, guess what reappeared? The linke to bbc america. Which I couldn’t find when I want to watch something specific a few days ago. I’m like 3 1/2 seasons behind on Dr. Who. So annoying.

I should get shit done. But I think I’ll go to bed. After reading a few more chapters.

#me

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abracaduckzoox · 6 years

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Retail Update #3

All is well in retail land! Have had some frustrating times of course, but overall still enjoying the job.

Latest nonsense:

-Our new checkstands have two belts, the second of which has a small square catch all that is easily opened. Things get stuck in it all the time. Weirdest things I’ve found while cleaning are packets of ham, but my coworker once found a big box of garbage bags in there. How????!!

-I’ve been bagging a lot with the new checkstands, and one day I was bagging a lady’s grapes, and noticed some had mold on them. Let her know so she could get a new one if she wanted but she said no, she was going to feed them to the possum in her yard regardless. Um.

-Freddy’s is, unsurprisingly, very cheap when it comes to supplies us parcels need. We’ve been using the same vacuum in all the lobbies since I started working here, and who knows how long before. Today, after being broken to where it could not stand up on its own, it exploded, and we FINALLY got a new one that actually picks up dirt.

-I had a lady try to explain to me how to bag groceries. I’ve been bagging for months.

-I’ve made my availability so that I only work on the weekends being that I’m full time in school and I couldn’t keep going with working 35 hours a week (thank you my old manager). But during winter break, my new manager decided to schedule me during the week. This wouldn’t have been a problem, but she scheduled me on a Wednesday that I had a drs appt. I let her know that I could work earlier or later in the day, or literally any other time that week, and she said she would fix it, but, of course, she didn’t.

-the Salvation Army people. Are. So. Annoying. Besides the issues I have with the organizations beliefs towards the lgbt community, the constant bell ringing??? Makes me want to Die

-The other night some very pretty girls in like prom-like dresses came in. They were doing some sort of scavenger hunt where they had to do things that were out of their comfort zone I guess? One girl sang silent night in front of the entrance, and another girl came in and asked to dance with me. My gay heart almost imploded

-Christmas rush is just as crazy as I thought. For future reference, if you want to avoid the terror that is the rush, come on any day that is not December 23. For some reason that day is the worst.

-on New Year’s Eve a coworker bought us some happy New Years hats that a few of us wore together. I’ve never felt more solidarity.

-I found a cart on its back in the middle of the parking lot with three pickles laying naked beside it.

-last week one of the closing parcels didn’t do a great job bringing in the carts before closing, so when our store manager arrived at opening the next morning he got angry and counted all the carts left out, 41. Now it’s a joke: make sure you leave less than 41 carts out tonight.

-there is now a Donald trump piñata in the CCK office. No one talks about it and I have no idea why it’s there but I approve.

-today I had my 60 day new hire appraisal. The check in you’re supposed to have after you start to let you know how you’re doing, if there’s anything you need to work on, answer any questions etc. I’ve been here over six months.

#song sings retail #thats all i can remember for now #god while i hate parts of this job theres a lot of people and funny things that make me love it

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a-k-amy · 7 years

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Mental patient to college student in 2 weeks flat

Mental patient to college student in two weeks flat. Enough to make my head spin. Landed back in the hospital in December. The depression was bad. Had to move six hours from home a few months before and didn't bounce back. Went off all my meds. Was rapid cycling between hypomania and major depression. Was hallucinating visions, hearing so many voices. Sleeping 18 hours a day. Crying spells. No friends, recently ended engagement. Couldn't work or start school. Couldn't do anything right I just started to think about ending it. Then I relapsed on top of that. So what was supposed to be a 3-5 day stay in the hospital stretched out for two weeks. I got kicked out during this time and was essentially homeless. At the last minute before release my family decided to take me back for the 2 weeks before school started provided I stayed sober, on medication and on a schedule. So now I'm posting this from my dorm and South Plains College working on my graphic design degree just like I always dreamed. Things have been going great. Except lately. I guess it started with a missed Dr appt and a lapse in my sleeping pills and anti psychotics. I started hearjng voices again. Seeing things. I hallucinate all the time. My alternate personas started randomly seizing control. So I dissociate a lot and more than once I've woken up in strange places not knowing where I am having to walk back to the dorms by GPS. I'm not sleeping. Been up two days right now. Slept a few hours yesterday but was up another 48 hours before that. Not really eating. Don't remember the last meal I ate. Breakfast like two or three days ago I think. Relapsed again. PTSD is acting up. The panic attacks have made me skip out on class early or just not go. The nightmares disturb what little sleep I get. The flashbacks have started again. And, what my therapist found most disturbing, I actually cut again the other night after going years without it. Had a panic attack and a meltdown. Soo.. This started out as a positive "yay I'm living the dream in college" post but then reality sunk in. I'm not doing too hot right now. It'll get better. It always does. I don't care how bad things get. If it's under my free will, I'm not going back to the hospital while school is in session. On the bright side, my grades are good

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resmarted · 7 years

Photo

i think i have what these ppl have like if it’s not angiolymphoid or general lymphoid it is mandibular hyperplasia (or hypo i think when it’s the chin) like it makes your face look fat n droopy as fuck and your skin bad and bags under your eyes literally everything i have and i guess cuz fluid isn’t moving properly thru the chin or something? idk i have another dr appt tomorrow and am gonna slam this down in front of them and scream don’t touch me unless it’s to fix this first bc it’s taking over my life!!! but i def think the root of it has to do with scars beneath the surface getting infected so listen up cutters stop cutting bc you’re only making yourself fat and infected but also this applies to anyone with a belly button like we all have surgical incisions from birth and if u put something like lemon oil in your belly button you can literally feel it cleaning out your insides it’s cray and all the medical sites are like well u need surgery but it doesn’t always last and that’s i think bc it’s rooted deeper in the body and scar tissue etc anyway i’m going to drop dead waiting for this to clear out my entire neck and back of my head is burning up like a mofo from stuff breaking down underneath the skin and it’s insane i want someone to take a needle and pop me like a balloon already i hope it ends soon!!!!!!

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robustcornhusk · 7 years

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hysterectomy recovery

probably just going to do the first week, since so far it’s seems mild? and i guess i’ll throw in the followup appt i’m supposed to have eventually.

having said that, i can still write excessively about it

descriptions of bodies, pain, fluids, etc below

day 0:

we got home around 7:00pm, i want to say. the first thing i noticed on getting home was how much more mobility and energy i had this time rather than last time? like, last time it hurt to get up off the couch, i had to roll out of bed rather than sit up in order to spare my abs, i could only shuffle down the hall. this time, none of that. my abs were a little sore, but really, just a little.

cohuman went out right away to fill the scripts that had been included in my discharge stuff, because damnit, they’d sent off my prescriptions to the wrong pharmacy.

(no one at the hospital asked where i wanted them to go? so they sent it to a nearby, but kinda not-good pharmacy, rather than the nice delivery pharmacy i prefer. the not-so-great pharmacy is not so great because they close kinda early, it’s really rundown, there’s usually a long line to drop off and pick up scripts, they don’t call when they fill your script, and a couple of times when i’ve walked home from there people have assaulted me in the street.)

cohuman managed to come back with the Prescription Ibuprofen (???) and the stool softener (colace?), but they weren’t able to fill the oxycodone script or the Prescription Tylenol (???) script. (dr. rowen wanted me to have plain-oxycodone rather than the kind with tylenol mixed it, so that i could try to stick to tylenol and ibuprofen and only add oxycodone as needed)

one of my other housemates was home and served as Responsible Adult Supervision while my other other housemate ran out and got me some gatorade to drink. as soon as housemate came home, it was 7:30 I think? so I took the colace, 600mg of ibuprofen, and at 8, (it having been 4 hours since i was painkillered in the hospital) i took 2 tabs of my old hydrocodone. I also totally downed the whole bottle of gatorade and a bottle of soylent since by calories for the past 24 hours had been “two graham crackers” and “a mini can of gingerale”. (i kept asking for more water please, more ginger ale please, i’m so thirsty, my mouth is made of sand, please give me more to drink)

someone asked if i had weighed myself before and after; it turned out that i gained 6lb, which sorta makes sense: i went from being hella dehydrated to having been pumped full of iv fluid and gatorade and soylent and hadn’t been able to urinate.

i was attempting to talk to people via laptop, but i kept falling asleep, so after a bit cohuman + housemates were like “we’re not letting you drop another laptop, go to bed”, despite it being only 8:30. but getting in bed woke me up again, so i did try to talk to a friend, except i kept falling asleep during that, too. whatever.

laying down, it seems, moved something around, and so i got stuck in a 15-minute cycle of lay down, sleep for a few minutes, “hey, i have to pee”, go to bathroom, sit there for a bit doing exactly that (but so slowly), lay down in bed, ... this went on for like two hours.

cohuman tried to transfer my scripts from (bad pharmacy) to (nice pharmacy); unfortunately, it wasn’t possible to transfer the oxycodone script due to it being hella controlled.

right before cohuman and i went to sleep, for real, at 11:30, i took more pain meds (2 hydrocodone) and some otc stuff to help me sleep. i woke up like … 6 times anyway, to pee, but it was fine. it went from being “oh my god, i have to sit here and strain to get it out” to “this is a lot slower than usual”.

day 1:

i woke up and sat in bed for a bit being all it’s sore and i don’t like it it and then cohuman was like “take your drugs?” which helped a lot. having said that, this is more like my level of pain at least a week after top+lipo, i think.

i got a robocall from the hospital being like “do you have all your information? we’re going to give you a robo-survey except it’s actually not going to be used to inform us what we can do better next time, but instead we’ll have nurses call you if you answer bad things like ‘i was confused by what was going on at the hospital’” but they didn’t say the “except it’s not actually” so when it said “Oh, you were confused by discharge instructions? we’ll have a nurse call you” i had to figure out how to say NOOOOOO because i really don’t want more phone calls thanks.

even after drinking another 40oz of fluid, my mouth was still really dry?

one of the things they handed us on the way out of the hospital were more pairs of the mesh underwear and a bunch of maternity pads. i had been annoyed at the time because it seemed that they didn’t have any adhesive and just kinda ... floated around, fell in the toilet, etc. i discovered this morning, while getting dressed, that they /did/ have adhesive and just the nurse last night hadn’t bothered to take the adhesive-peel off.

dr. rowen also called to make sure i was doing okay: told me the surgery went well on their end, asked if i was having difficulty with urination, said i should schedule a follow-up appointment in 4-6 weeks.

housemate’s datefriend is working from our place and being my Responsible Adult Supervision today (and probably tomorrow). with the aid of my Responsible Adult Supervision, i managed to walk over to the pharmacy and not get harassed on my way there or back and successfully retrieved my Actually Prescribed Painkillers. the line was long enough that i did have to sit on the floor, though, while waiting, because i was sorta dizzy.

took 1 additional oxycodone at noon; took another 600mg of ibuprofen at 2. experiencing a little bit of running-cramp like pain in my right side, and a little bit of pain in my shoulders. at 4 i took two oxycodone; at 8 i took another 2.

it seems the pain has been ramping up a little bit over the course of the day; sorta crampy and my shoulders hurt and it’s probably the gas that they put in me that’s doing this.

i felt good enough to make lunch (Responsible Adult Supervision came with me, which was actually a mistake, because it meant I missed a package by three minutes) and to make dinner (tomato soup + waffled grilled cheese sandos; also a mistake, because we were eating right after i took pain meds and i accidentally dropped my phone in the soup).

also there are goofy pictures of me in a cat kigurumi with a cone of shame.

around when cohuman and i were going to sleep, 11-12ish, i was actually in a fair bit of pain and it sucked: in my shoulder, around my ribcage, right side of my stomach, The Place Where My Cervix Used To Live. So at 11:45ish, I think, i took two oxycodone and the advil and the tylenol, then cohuman and i watched anime together until it kicked in enough to sleep

day 2:

felt better when i woke up; cohuman told me to take some gas-x because apparently that’s a Good Thing for post-laparoscopy gas pain; i took ibuprofen + 2 oxycodone right when i woke up, at 9.

picocat decided to sit on me this morning which never ever ever happens so i allowed him to press his little toothpick legs into my tender and sore abdomen for 15 minutes. i love this cat.

housemate’s datefriend is battling a sinus infection with codeine, and i’m recovering from surgery with oxycodone, and what i mean is there was No Responsible Adult driving the car today. the metaphorical car, i mean, i just sat on the couch all day.

i made weenie noises at my weenie cat all day, because he was super cute most of it and sat next to me on the electric blanket that a friend brought me last night .

at 1pm it hurt, so i took 2 painmeds; i was sorta sleepy and dizzy all afternoon but the pain went away until around 5. i took 1 then; i also pretty quickly felt kinda sick? i laid down on the couch and sorta slept with picocat (he never does this) for an hour until it felt better.

cohuman came home near to 9; i took an advil right before we ate dinner. i didn’t have much of an appetite, though.

most of the pain i experienced today was in my shoulders, i think?

day 3:

i took one pain object right when i woke up, at ~9:30, though this might not have been necessary. (also colace and gas-x) and i took advil at 2. the pain seems to have mostly stopped! hooray!

rainy, though, so i didn’t actually do anything today. my housemates and i alike were trapped inside for a nice day of anime (yuri on ice!), curry (tofu katsu, i cooked), and zaireeka.

my throat/the back of my mouth was still hurting, and in one specific spot only, so i took a lot in the mirror. it wasn’t from the surgery; it was a blister from me burning the shit out of my mouth with the soup i ate on day 1. i have no idea when it will stop hurting, but hopefully soon.

i am still bleeding from The Place Where My Cervix Used To Be, but less. it hasn’t really ever been much. the hospital-provided maternity pads remain not very good. the hospital provided mesh underwear also remains not very good. if it were more than hardly any blood, i would care.

(while going to bed, a little bit of pain again, but it stopped like 30 minutes after i tookm more advil)

day 4:

advil at 10 and at 4, probably again at 11 for sleep. it’s not strictly necessary but also why not? pain today was /minimal/. the advil at 10 was pre-emptive “what if it hurts when i get up?”; at 3:30 i noticed a bit of mild, mild cramping, which is why i took the 4pm dose.

like, the day of surgery when i woke up was peak pain i think, which was on par with “the worst menstrual cramps i had ever had, but not more than that, and also they gave me the good drugs”; today was “hey btw your uterus used to be here, do you miss it? no? okay we’ll see ourselves out”.

the worst part has been the shoulder pain! (holy wow that was awful at first.) and that’s mostly gone. today i got a couple of occasional twinges.

24 hours out from my last dose of *codone, the gastro-intestinal effects began to become undone. i regret eating curry for dinner. i think my doctor said to call if this hadn’t happened by the end of day 2, but also i was pretty sure it would happen within a day of going off the pain meds, so whatever.

i had expected to be swollen for a few days after surgery, but i wore my normal clothes on day one (to get meds) and today (and my pants nearly fell off...) so maybe not so much, at least not outside of my midsection.

i was pretty sleepy all day but i think that’s just because it was rainy and i was warm and stuck inside. felt a little nauseated at one point but it might’ve just been the heat (electric blanket, sweatpants, normal blanket...). the like, mental fuzzyness/sleepiness without the actual wanting to sleep part seems to be gone now.

day 5:

ibuprofen morning and evening. i didn’t have very much pain during the day, but had a little bit when i went to bed.

this is probably TOTALLY UNRELATED to how last night i was like “you know my doctor specifically said that non *iv sex is totally fine, right”

also i pulled a muscle in my shoulder and it probably has nothing to do with how i spent 5 days on the couch with a lapdesk and the world’s worst posture.

day 6:

so over this halfassed bleeding. so over these hospital provided pads. i should like... go to walgreens or somewhere and get some not terribad ones, but also i can’t bring myself to buy 50 (or 30, or 20) or something that i need 5 of.

day 14:

i am still bleeding.

pads are the worst and the wings keep wingdingin’ around and they rotate 90 degrees in my clothes and fold over and turn upside down and fuck it i hate these so on day 8 i just started bleeding on my clothes. fortunately, blood washes right out of my hella-synthetic underwear (thinking back to the long times i would spend scrubbing underwear as a teenager... cotton underwear feels like a conspiracy.).

did i mention the blood also comes out in big, thumb-sized clumps. because it does exactly that. like tbf i have kinda small hands so my thumb-sized objects are like not so big, but nonetheless, it was a little alarming the first like... 10 times.

it’s almost convenient, like a period egg. except they keep coming and coming and coming. the rest of the time it’s just a little bit of blood.

i’ve noticed that after orgasm, it seems there’s less bleeding for~12 hours.

i’ve not been taking any painkillers, including ibuprofen, for obviously-surgery-related pain, though i occasionally get a momentary twinge where my cervix used to be. i’m getting cramps when i walk or bike too fast (like running cramps, in my side, not intestinal or uterine). my doctor okay’d me for biking after a week, as long as i promised to not go too fast.

another side-effect i didn’t notice immediately: sitting up for long periods hurts. i have horrible sitting-up-straight muscles to begin with because i slouch constantly, but like “sitting up in a movie seat to watch rogue one” left me in deep pain at the end on day 10.

so i guess i was taking ibuprofen for surgery-related pain, but it was a few steps removed. that’s been mitigated for now, by doing any sort of writing work laying down with my tablet and a piece of paper masking-taped to a lapdesk. it works.

day 21

still bleeding! (though fortunately, no more clumps.) still occasionally getting awful but brief pains where my cervix used to be!

so done.

day 29/followup

the bleeding stopped sometime over the weekend.

mostly not in any pain. when i walk like a mile or two i feel kinda squiggly on the inside, like a running cramp, minus the pain.

had the four week followup! the cohuman came with me, for both moral(e) support and also being the Insurance Dealing Human. doctor seemed apologetic that i had bleeding until the weekend, then i got to have my one and only speculum-aided exam (since all the stuff they did while i was under turned out negative. good. the not-bad outcome.).

the exam took all of two minutes: scoot up, a little further, all the way to the edge, don’t fall out of the stirrups, oh you fell out of the stirrups, that’s my hand, that’s the speculum (hey cool it has a flashlight attached!), you’re going to feel some pressure (YEP), going to swab with a qtip and it might feel weird (YEP), okay, we’re done.

(”hey so i don’t have a cervix, and i’ve seen pictures of what it looks like when there’s a cervix, but what does it look like now?” “like a wall of flesh”)

(i got a speculum! i really wanna see what my wall of rococo flesh looks like)

there is some silliness with insurance because they took the ovaries and that means it couldn’t be done as a plain ‘ol hysto. gotta get that sorted, with letters.

#hysterectomy

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