#gin my beloved | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sickficideas · 6 months

Text

never fallen from quite this high || akutagawa & chuuya sickfic

ao3! 2.7k - please refer to the tags and notes in the link for content + warnings! there's quite a bit in this one!

"Akutagawa, do you have a moment?"

Hirotsu doesn't often call him. Even when the Black Lizard have an issue of any kind, Hirotsu can typically resolve it himself. He's a very capable leader, and his many years in the mafia allow Ryuunosuke to put a lot of trust in him.

So he's already on edge about this phone call. Hirotsu would never call him for no reason. He would never call him if it weren't important.

"I do," Ryuunosuke answers. He's in Chuuya's office, high up in the Port Mafia headquarters building, waiting for him to return with some documents. He feels the muscles in his shoulders tense up painfully. He's already sore and in pain after several days of work. "What is it?"

"Gin was badly injured today," Hirotsu starts. He's calm, but his voice is stern.

Ryuunosuke feels dizzy.

Again, this is something Hirotsu would never tell him unless it were serious. Gin is often injured in her line of work, he's aware of that. They're in the same boat, in that regard. But as long as she gets prompt and proper treatment, Ryuunosuke knows he doesn't have to worry. Gin looks after herself, and Hirotsu, Tachihara and Higuchi do as well.

He never has to worry about her. He hates this feeling. He feels as small and pathetic as he did living in the slums.

"A few of our subordinates were responsible for covering for her. Tachihara and I were on opposite ends of the building," Hirotsu explains, and Ryuunosuke leans against the wall. "Her backup is missing, and she was unconscious when I found her. I don't know what happened, but our targets were dangerous and gifted."

"What - what kind of injury, Hirotsu?" he asks, hating just how shaky his voice sounds. It's coming through as anger, he's aware of that, but he would never admit he's terrified. He needs to calm himself down, but he doesn't know how. He didn’t think their targets were going to pose any kind of real threat. He would have gone with them if he was concerned.

"I'm not quite sure. There was a substantial injury to her chest and one on her head. She lost a lot of blood, Akutagawa," Hirotsu tells him. Hirotsu must know that he isn't taking this lightly. He knows it's truly serious. "I'll let you know if I'm given any updates. She’s currently in surgery."

"Thank you," Ryuunosuke murmurs, and soon enough, the line goes dead.

Ryuunosuke realizes can't breathe.

He knows he's having a panic attack, but he's never quite figured out how to stop them, or how to deal with them at all. He doesn't know what to do. This isn't the kind of thing he can just sit back and calm himself down about. Hirotsu didn't say it outright, but the circumstances tell him that this could be life or death. His sister might die. There's nothing to be calm about.

"I told you not to go outside by yourself," Ryuunosuke had chided, several years ago. Gin wouldn’t look him in the eye. She left their shelter in the middle of the night without any of them to back her up, and Ryuunosuke couldn’t understand why. Some of their friends had died doing reckless things like that.

"I can handle myself too," she said quietly, staring at her hands. She's not combative or defensive with her words, she's never been that way. "I want to help us in the same way you do, Ryuu."

She said all of that with a gash in her forearm so deep that bright red blood was still dripping from her arm, pooling in her palm. They had ways to prevent each other from getting hurt like that, and it meant to not go anywhere alone.

He presses a hand to his eyes as his breath shakes.

She's all by herself.

"Akutagawa, I need you to look over this for me. I'm not really…"

Chuuya's voice trails off as he wanders into the office and closes the door behind him, and Ryuunosuke wants nothing more than to leave the room and pretend he was never seen, pretend he was never there, but he knows Chuuya wouldn't rest until he caught him.

"The hell's goin' on with you?" he asks unceremoniously, stopping only a few feet before him.

"Nothing," Ryuunosuke breathes out. barely, trying to somehow gain some composure, but through his mind flashes images of the friends he and Gin grew up with, murdered in cold blood in front of them. He needs to get out, but he can’t move.

He can't lose Gin too. He can't.

He hears the gunshots, the blood, the organ matter spraying from their bullet wounds. He hears the flesh being torn off one of their faces by a rabid dog. He feels the ice-like skin of a friend who died in his sleep from the cold of an unbearable winter, once he wishes he never survived through. All things he'd long forgotten, pushed out of his mind. All things he told himself would never happen to anyone he cared about ever again, and here he is.

The sounds only get louder, muffling everything else. He hears Gin’s sobs after they had found the youngest girl from their group completely mutilated, and Ryuunosuke still sees her. He smells the rotten flesh of the friends they had to wait to bury because of the cold. He hears the incomprehensible muttering of a boy they rescued from being trafficked. Ryuunosuke feels the hands all over him, he hears his own thoughts from back then - whatever they do to me is the price I have to pay to get food for everyone. He hears Gin’s shaky voice asking where he’s been. He thinks he might pass out. The memories on their own are incredibly overwhelming for him, but all at once like this is far too much for him to handle.

He feels himself start to list sideways, but something stops. He doesn't feel anything against him, he doesn't hit anything, but there's a hand on his shoulder gently urging him to sit down, with the help of his gravity ability.

Chuuya's eyes are a piercing shade of blue. Once they're sitting on the floor, it's all Ryuunosuke can look at. Chuuya’s close as he takes his hand back. Ryuunosuke and Gin used to watch the sea in the early mornings, when things were quiet, when they could let their guard down for a few moments - that glittering blue, it's just like that.

"You've gotta tell me what's goin' on. I can't help if I don't know. Don't pass out on me like that," Chuuya tells him with a scoff, but his concern is obvious. Ryuunosuke doesn't want to tell him. He doesn't want to repeat it. He's terrified that saying it out loud will give the universe more reason to make it true, and the panic starts to set in again. If he had any tears left to shed, he's sure his eyes would be flooded with them by now.

What is he supposed to do without his sister?

"Hey. Hey, you're okay," Chuuya tells him, his voice suddenly much softer than before. Ryuunosuke is having trouble breathing, now. He’s quite familiar with the feeling. He tries his best to consciously take normal breaths, but it isn’t working. Someone is screaming in his ear.

Chuuya scoots himself closer to him, the concern and confusion in his eyes only growing. Ryuunosuke brings his knees into his chest and Chuuya lays a hand on one, lowering his head a bit to force some eye contact from Ryuunosuke, but he won’t budge. His stomach churns and twists without much warning and he feels every muscle in his abdomen tense up. He’s so overwhelmed.

"You look like you're about to puke," Chuuya says just before Ryuunosuke brings a hand up to his mouth. He definitely is. Ryuunosuke can barely manage a nod, but Chuuya has already gone with his assumption and stands to fetch the trash bin by his desk, and much to Ryuunosuke’s horror, it’s an effort made too late, because he leans over to the left and chokes up stomach bile without a chance to hold it back, even for a few seconds.

His nausea always sneaks up on him like this, only ever giving him a few seconds to react. All he could manage was that first splatter. He hasn’t eaten a thing today, so he doesn’t have anything left to bring up, even though his stomach is still trying to twist everything out of itself.

It brings him back to reality, for better or for worse. He’s more focused on the fact that he’s just thrown up on the carpet of Chuuya’s office than the horrible memories that were taunting him just moments ago. His face feels hot and his hands are clammy. He wants nothing more than to go curl up and hide somewhere, but there isn’t even room to pretend right here.

He tries to breathe through it. In through his nose and out through his mouth, but all he can manage is a few sputtering coughs and some sharp breaths in. He brings his arms back up to his chest, subconsciously trying to make himself smaller.

“I’m sorry, I - ”

"Don't worry about it. I've seen people puke before. I don't care," Chuuya says, kneeling in front of him, now. Chuuya isn’t the type to lie about things like that, so Ryuunosuke feels a little better about it, but he still feels miserable. His head is swimming in every direction and his stomach hurts, the muscles are pressing up against his stomach and trying to force more out, and he dry heaves into his hand. He wants to lay down. “You’ve gotta breathe, you’re gonna pass out if you keep doing that. Listen to me, alright?”

Chuuya’s hand lands on Akutagawa’s shoulder, and his face is much closer than he expected it to be once he tilts his head up. Chuuya sucks in a breath and holds it for a few seconds, and Ryuunosuke realizes that he’s trying to get him to mirror that. He’s not sure if he can, or if he wants to, but Chuuya isn’t giving him other options.

He struggles the first few times. He’s worried he’s going to throw up again for a few moments there, when his breath shakes and he coughs, but the nausea slowly subsides, the closer he gets to a normal breathing pattern.

“Please don’t leave,” Ryuunosuke had begged her with the little energy he had. It was one of the coldest nights of the year, and Ryuunosuke was so sick he couldn’t move. Gin wanted to go look for food with two of the others in their group, but Ryuunosuke couldn’t bear the thought, in his fevered brain.

“I’m not going anywhere, Ryuu. Don’t worry, okay?”

He’s slowly losing control of his breaths again, and Chuuya reaches forward to squeeze his hand.

“Where are you right now?” Chuuya asks him sternly. Ryuunosuke’s met with those beautiful blue eyes of his again, and he’s pulled out of his memory with Gin.

“Your…your office,” Ryuunosuke manages. He almost forgot, he only remembers because of the vomit on the floor.

“Yeah, that’s right. And what’s today again? I can’t remember,” Chuuya says casually, but Ryuunosuke can still pick apart hints of tension in his voice. He hides it well.

“It’s…December twenty-seventh,” Ryuunosuke mumbles after taking in a deep breath. He shivers when met with the idea that he’ll have to leave the building soon. He really hates the cold.

“Right, right. You got any plans for the New Year?” Chuuya asks him gently. Ryuunosuke shakes his head, he can’t think that far ahead right now. “I’ve got this party I do with my subordinates every year at my place. Lots of drinking, though, I know that’s not really your thing.”

“Not particularly,” Ryuunosuke murmurs. His stomach twists at the thought of alcohol. His voice feels weak and heavy. Chuuya’s grip loosens on his hand and he reaches up to his forehead to lay the back side against it. He frowns, and slides his hand down to his cheek, checking with his palm this time. Ryuunosuke shrinks backward, but Chuuya doesn't care.

"You're warm. Feels like a fever," Chuuya sighs as he pulls his hand back. "How long you been sick for?"

He's always sick, he wants to say, but that's a notion that wouldn't help anyone in this situation. Ryuunosuke doesn't know when he stopped being sick the last time and this time started - he never feels well. But he won't tell Chuuya that. He just shrugs. He’s just glad he can finally breathe again.

"I'm hopin' you just worked yourself up and that's all it is," Chuuya says. "Can you tell me what happened? Did someone hurt you, Akutagawa?"

"My sister’s injured,” Ryuunosuke mumbles, lowering his chin. Chuuya sucks in a breath through his teeth. He must know that Ryuunosuke wouldn’t react like this if it wasn’t serious. He opens his mouth, almost looking like he wants to know what happened, but he stops.

“Do you want to go see her?” Chuuya asks.

“She’s being operated on,” Ryuunosuke says quietly. He needs to trust that they’ll take good care of her.

Chuuya nods. He pauses for a moment, but stands up and offers Ryuunosuke a hand. “You should lay down for a while, then. I have a couch in the other room.”

Ryuunosuke’s first inclination is to refuse that offer. He doesn’t have any right to accept help from Chuuya, not after he’s gone out of his way to help him, not after Ryuunosuke vomited on his floors. He’s embarrassed, but the idea of walking anywhere right now makes him want to pass out.

So Ryuunosuke extends a shaky hand out to Chuuya, and he lifts him from the floor completely effortlessly. Chuuya takes that opportunity to lead him to the adjacent room, not once letting go of his hand.

Ryuunosuke feels his brain spin inside his skull once they walk through the doorway, and he nearly faints as soon as they make it to the couch, but Chuuya doesn’t let it happen. He uses his ability to gently lay him down on the couch, kneeling down with him once his body relaxes. His fingers slide from their grip on Ryuunosuke’s and he lays his hand on Ryuunosuke’s cheek once again with a disapproving sigh, confirming it must in fact be a fever.

Ryuunosuke lays his hand over Chuuya’s, wishing he would keep it there. Chuuya’s hands are usually warm, but right now, they’re just what his fevered skin needs for some relief. A weak, pained groan escapes his throat. He’s lost all of his energy.

“I’ll call Hirotsu and ask him to let me know when she can be seen. Rest 'til then, ‘kay?” Chuuya says gently. "She'll be okay. She's survived this far,"

Ryuunosuke lets his eyes fall shut. He trusts Chuuya. Chuuya wouldn’t lie to him.

…

Two days later, Gin is stable enough to have visitors, and Ryuunosuke’s fever finally breaks.

Ryuunosuke doesn’t remember much past falling asleep on Chuuya’s couch. Chuuya told him he had to bring him to the infirmary at some point because he had become unresponsive, but Ryuunosuke remembers his presence the whole time.

He still has a bit of a temperature, and Chuuya told him to keep the cooling patch on his forehead for a while, but he peels it off before he goes to see Gin. He doesn’t want her to worry about him.

He parts the curtains where the nurses lead him, and the shattered pieces of his heart start to dig and twist into nearby organs. He’s never seen her like this before. She’s surrounded by equipment, lines, and tubing - oxygen, a fluid line, things Ryuunosuke has gotten very familiar with over the years - and things to keep her vitals well monitored. Ryuunosuke hates seeing these things on his sister.

When his eyes finally get the courage to look at her face, the warmth in her smile is enough to release all of the tension in his body.

"Hi," she says quietly, almost like a squeak. He can tell she hasn’t used her voice in a while.

Ryuunosuke can only let himself cry in front of her.

41 notes · View notes