#fres’ bullshit

[fresthered]

#i think you guys would like this one #made in 10 minutes on ibispaint on my phone line a month ago. enjoy #shitpost #homestar runner #sonic #i love that image of strong bad btw. literally the incarnation of ‘stong buh’ #fres speaks #fres’ bullshit

[thesightstoshowyou]

Wasteland Education

Cooper Howard (The Ghoul) x F Reader (NSFW)

Summary: You ask a question and the Ghoul is more than happy to give you a demonstration.

Warnings: Rope play, boot play, knife play, threats, it’s all a bit dubious

Thank you to @slasher-smasher for this brilliant prompt.

Gif by @fukutomichi

“Now this one right here is called a bowline knot. If ya’ do it right,” deft fingers loop and tighten the rope, “It ain’t gonna budge.”

“Tight—it hurts, it’s too—

“Don’t interrupt a man when he’s talkin’, sugar. Pay attention, now. There’s gonna be a test.” The Ghoul stands, end of the rope in hand. Boots swish through sand as he stalks over to the rusted Chryslus. He anchors the rope to the hitch and tests its hold before returning to your struggling, supine form.

Your arms, now stretched over your head and secured to the car by your wrists, are lashed together with several feet of rope that dig into your flesh and rub it raw. Your left leg is bent at the knee, calf tethered to thigh. More rope twines around the limb, different knots punctuating each loop.

“Please, my leg is falling asleep—

“Keep it up and I’ll put one in your mouth,” he chides, crouching at your side. As you grunt and attempt to roll your ankle to work feeling back into your leg, your gaze lifts to the scarred face of the Ghoul. He watches you squirm, smug satisfaction in his expression. Behind him, the sunset blazes orange on the horizon. Wisps of cloud like pale pink fingers reach across the sky.

The heat of the day departs with the setting sun. A rapidly cooling breeze billows over dunes and blows loose grains of sand across your exposed skin. Goosebumps raise in quick succession along intricately tied limbs. You wear nothing but a tattered t-shirt and underwear, something you’d been told was “essential to the learnin’ process.”

The snide remark about your bullshit meter going haywire had landed you in your current predicament.

Eyes darkened by the brim of a hat slide over to your free leg. You suppress the urge to draw it up toward your chest and spare it the same numbing fate as its twin.

“I-I think I got it, we don’t have to do anymore,” you try, your shoulders beginning to ache with how they’re pulled taut over your head.

“You asked the question, baby. I’m just makin’ sure you get all the information you need.”

You curse your curiosity. Late afternoon had seen the Ghoul quietly organizing supplies, you lounging nearby and chomping on jerky. The meticulous way he’d looped his lasso had prompted your idiotic question: ‘Can you teach me how to tie knots like that?’ His response—the crooked smirk that pulled at the corner of his mouth—should have sent you running for the hills.

A gnarled hand grips your ankle. Calloused fingers trace the curve of your calf and slot behind your knee. Pressure forces your knee to your chest as the opposite hand reaches for another length of rope. The vulnerable position—thighs spread open, the Ghoul kneeling between them—brings heat to your cheeks and makes you swallow to lend moisture to your dry throat.

If he’s affected by your pose, he doesn’t show it. Instead, his focus is on the twine he circles around your knee. “Here, we’ll employ a slip knot. Easy to undo in a hurry.” The zip of the line reaches your ears as it’s pulled tight—too tight—just above your knee. Your hamstring protests the strain when your leg is hiked up. The Ghoul stands and strides over to the car hitch once more.

Unhurried footsteps muffled by sand herald his reappearance. The shredded duster brushes your skin as he steps over your newly strung up leg to stand between your splayed thighs.

“Hm, now look at that. Just needs a bow,” he purrs and you can’t help the nervous shifting of your shivering body. Pins and needles prick your limbs, your nerves screaming their demand for freedom. You’d beg if it wouldn’t make your situation worse.

The Ghoul lifts the toe of his boot and slides his heel forward to press the sole to your clothed cunt. You suck in a sharp inhale through your teeth and twitch, the muscles in your jaw popping to contain your indigence. However, all it takes is a swirl of his ankle to pull a pitiful little whimper from your throat. He keeps adding pressure until you’re bucking your hips and straining against your bonds, lips parted and panting, sweat chilling on your brow.

“As much as I’m enjoying the sight a’ ya’ humpin’ my boot like a cat in heat,” he announces, pulling his foot away and reaching for his knife, “All this racket yer makin’ s’gonna attract somethin’ I ain’t keen on dealin’ with.”

The blade gleams in the fading light when it slides free of its sheath. An anxious cry sticks in your throat as the Ghoul kneels near your left leg.

“Time for that final exam I promised. I’m gonna point to a knot and yer gonna tell me what it is. Every mistake’ll earn ya’—“ he raises the knife and twists it to and fro for emphasis, “—a correction.” Your chest heaves, pulse galloping, cold sweat sticking your hair to the back of your neck.

“It’ll be in yer best interest not to fuck up. There’s no shortage of critters out here who’ll come runnin’ at the scent of blood.”

#cooper howard #cooper howard x reader #cooper howard x you #the ghoul #the ghoul fallout #the ghoul x reader #the ghoul x you #thesightstoshowyou #fallout #fallout 2024 #fallout show

[laundrybiscuits]

(soulmates AU: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3)

“You never told me your folks were soulmates," he says out of the blue. He'd meant to wait until it came up naturally or something, but they're just standing in awkward silence outside what the kids insist on calling the M&M house, waiting for the stupid dragon game to wrap up on the Munson side. He doesn't even know he's going to say it until it's already out there, sitting between them. 

Nancy says "Fuck," very quietly. Steve can't remember if she used to swear so much. He thinks not, but also, she was sixteen the last time he really felt like he knew her.

Steve’s tenth grade geometry teacher once told them: think about railroad tracks. That’s what parallel means, that there are two lines that never get closer together or farther away. No matter how long the railroad tracks get, there’s always exactly the same amount of space between them.

Now Steve thinks maybe that’s bullshit, that you can’t keep going separate from someone else and stay the same distance apart. If you’re not together, if you don’t cling as hard as you can, then the distance between you is going to grow faster and faster until you can’t even see the other person. 

He thinks maybe he doesn’t know Nancy at all anymore. 

Nancy smooths down her skirt in a nervous gesture he doesn’t recognize. “You’ve met my parents, Steve. Did you really think that’s what I want?”

It’s the kind of question where he knows the right answer from the way she’s saying it, but he doesn’t know why. Yeah, he’s met Ted and Karen. He always thought they seemed happy enough. They’ve got three kids, so they have to be happy, right? 

But he’s starting to think that Nancy—the new Nancy, how she is now—might not want to be happy. Or at least that it might not be the most important thing to her, compared to everything else she always talked about. Now that he’s thinking about it for real, he can’t really see her stepping into her mom’s shoes, never really doing anything but chasing after kids and power-walking around the mall. 

Shit, is he the Ted Wheeler in this scenario? Not that there’s anything wrong with Ted, but—wow, okay, he’s starting to understand Nancy’s reaction. 

He hasn’t said anything for a little while, and Nancy sighs. “Steve, I’m sorry, I can’t…”

“It’s fine, Nance,” he says. He even thinks he means it, this time. 

———

“Do you think she’s going to get a cover-up, like Eddie?”

Robin squints at him. “I think she’s the only one who can answer that.”

“Sure, okay, but I can’t ask her because I’ve decided I’m not gonna bring this shit up around her anymore. It’s called tact, Robin.”

“Fuck off, I’m a million times more tactful than you could ever be.” She chucks a roll of NEW RELEASE stickers at him, which he dodges with a little spin, just to show off.

“Are you kidding me? Who was it that got out of a parking ticket last week just by talking to the cop?”

“Uh, who was it that expertly finessed us both jobs at Family Video just by talking to Keith?”

“You gotta stop bringing that up,” Steve groans. “That was like a whole year ago. Get some new material, Buckley.”

“Get us a new job, Harrington! One that pays more than this shit!”

“Nah, I’m gonna be a trophy husband to some rich old lady. That’s my new plan, now that I’m totally unattached.” It comes out pretty steady, he thinks.

She sidles up to him, awkward in the way she gets sometimes, and bumps their shoulders together. “Hey, you know you could totally find someone else, right? It doesn’t have to be…” She trails off, gesturing helplessly.

He tips his head back and stares at the ceiling. The fluorescent lights leave blurry ghosts on his eyelids when he blinks. 

Robin Buckley is the best friend he’ll ever have and does sometimes actually know what tact is, so she just tips her head against his shoulder and stares at the ceiling with him in silence until the next customer comes in. 

———

“You can never, ever tell Steve this.” Nancy’s voice is just barely audible from the front step, and Steve freezes. He snatches his hand back from where he’d been reaching for the doorbell.

“Cross my heart, et cetera, Wheeler.” Eddie sounds lazy, like he doesn’t even care.

“It’s crazy, but I used to feel really—happy. About the soulmark. I mean, it’s every girl’s dream, right? The cutest guy in school with her name on his wrist.”

“Can’t say I relate.” 

Nancy lets out a strangled laugh and Steve silently shuffles as close as he dares, shutting his eyes like that’ll help him hear better or something.

“I know, Eddie, that’s why I’m…I don’t know what changed. I don’t know why that stopped being enough for me. I second-guess myself all the freaking time now, and I hate that! I remember the way it felt when it turned out Steve was actually really sweet, and sometimes I just want to—to crawl back inside that feeling, except it’s not real. I know it’s not real.”

“You sure about that? Doth the lady not protest too much?”

“I’m sure.”

She hadn’t even hesitated. Steve’s nails are cutting into his palms. He feels dizzy with how quick she’d answered; how calm she’d sounded. 

It hits him, then, that it’s actually over, like for real. Maybe he really is an idiot, because it’s been years, and he thought he’d already known that. Turns out there’d been a stupid little corner of hope in him after all.

He tunes back in to hear Eddie say, “Okay, okay, you don’t gotta convince me, Wheeler. If you end up deciding to, y’know, take the plunge…yeah, I can hook you up. But no rush, okay?”

Steve turns around and walks down the drive, all the way around the corner to where he’s parked. Dustin’s stretched all the way across the seats, head poking out of the driver’s side window, squinting in the afternoon sun.

“Is Eddie coming to the arcade with us?” Dustin yells.

“He’s busy, leave him alone,” says Steve.

#not!soulmates AU #the unmarketable ridiculousness continues #I know the Doylist reason Eddie offers so much unsolicited advice in canon is his role as clunky plot mouthpiece #but I choose to interpret it as the extremely gay hobby of overflowing with advice on acquaintances’ personal lives #despite the highly dubious state of one's own #anyway. if/when this goes up on AO3 I'm gonna need to re-edit for Nancy's voice bc I do NOT have it rn

[lance420xd]

The first night to remember…

Tobias Erin Rodgers. The famous serial killer known for committing mass arson and the murder of his father. He has not been found since he mysteriously vanished with no trace…

“S-Shu-Shit!” Toby cursed out, his Tourette’s getting the best of him. He carried his hatchet through the woods trying not to make sound as he thought the police were hot on his trail. Sometimes the hatchet would bounce off a root when he would occasionally drag it and cut his calf. He didn’t mind. He couldn’t even feel it. As he trudged through the woods looking for shelter he stepped on something odd. When he stepped on it, it clinked. Of course, he thought it was some sort of beer can or another piece of trash which wasn’t rare in his area. People throw trash in the street all the time. Sometimes even glass bottles, something reminiscent of his childhood. The first time he went on a walk with his sister. Toby was about 3 or 4 from his recollection and he wore the cutest little sandals. While he was walking, he fell in the ditch and cut his foot on a broken whiskey bottle. Lyra carried him back home and bandaged his wound. Oh, how he missed her… He refocused himself and kept walking. However, it was that same clinking noise. He looked down and realized he was walking on scrap metal. “S-Scrap m-muh…metal?” He whispered to himself, kicking some leaves off of it. It was an advertisement for a… pizzeria? Out here? There’s no way a pizzeria is back there! Right? Toby knows everything around here. He kept walking. He walked until he arrived in a parking lot. Looking up, he sees… The pizzeria. It had a bear on it and it said something like, “Freddy Fazbears Pizza.”

“F-Freddy… F-fuh… Fazbear?”

Toby stuttered and hunched over as a tic.

He goes up to the door and breaks the cracked glass. It didn’t matter if he got hurt; like I said, he couldn’t feel it. He has a rare condition called CIPA. Anyway, he walks into the building. It had a nostalgic smell, It’s like his father’s alcohol that spilled on the 3 week old pizza which was about to start growing mold. As he walks further in, it was filled with old arcade games and left behind tables, cups and silverware, and… A stage. He peeks behind the curtain and freezes.

“W-What… Wh-What are you?”

He pulls the curtain back, revealing 3 animatronics of a bear, bunny, and chicken. “Huh… Y-You must be-be Fr-Fre-Freddy, hm?” Toby asked as if the bear was a person as he chuckled softly, like he didn’t just set his neighborhood on fire, killing his father with the hatchet he carried. He turned his attention towards another, smaller curtain that says “Pirates Cove!” on it.

He moved the curtain back on Pirates cove and sees a fox animatronic, designed to look like a pirate.

“T-The ‘P-Puh… Pirate’s C-Cove’ really makes sen-sense now, heh…”

He chuckled again and went to explore more. Toby found his way to the back of the building, where the security guard should be. Yet, there was no security guard. No wonder he could just… break in. He turns on the computers and cameras. As he did, a VHS player starts, explaining the security guard job.

“D-Dammit. I’m-I’m not starting a job…”

Toby cussed out as he dropped his hatchet, watching the video anyways. It was only about 11 PM, so the, what the VHS called “night guard’s”, shift started in about an hour. He watched the video, bored out of his mind. He decided he’ll do it, out of pure boredom. Toby went to the locker, put the uniform on, and sat in front of the cameras. “D-Damn th-this limited power… B-Bullshit.” He snarled under his mask. He checked the first camera. The stage. “W-What?! Where’s the rabbit?!” He yelled and checked around, seeing it in the hallway. He peeked out the door, watched it walk closer as he hid inside, closing the door and checking the light. It stood there. Staring. “F-Fuck off… Y-You c-crackwhore r-ra…rabbit.” This bullshit of checking the cameras, closing and opening the doors, checking the animatronics kept on until 5 AM… Then, he checked the camera showing the Pirate Cove. The fox was about to start going down the hallway. Toby thought that fox will start walking like the others until he checked again. He looked at the hallway camera and the fox was running. It ran… He slammed the door closed and he could hear banging and scratching. Toby never got scared of… anything other than his dad. But this… this was different. The little alarm clock hit 6 AM and made this little bell noise. It was like, celebration music. He grabbed his axe, opened the door, and ran out. He held his axe like he is going to swing at anything coming in front of him. As he ran outside, he realized it was day out… He can’t go out with cops looking for him…

(Part 2??)

Suggested by @coquetteraccoon

#fnaf #five nights at freddy's #creepypasta #ticci toby #toby rogers #fanfic #multifandom fanfiction #multi fandom blog #tobias erin rogers #tobias rogers #freddy fazbear #fnaf chica #chica the chicken #fnaf bonnie #fnaf foxy #foxy the pirate #fandom

[azar-rosethorn]

5 Robots 2 Humans - A Dysfunctional Family (A Post-SB FNAF Peaceful Au)

Season 1 Episode 1 - The Dawn of a New Era

Summary: A "Pilot" to set the stage. The Pizzaplex and the Animatronics get rebuilt, Gregory gets adopted, and Vanny is disposed of or is she.

Rated T for swearing and typical FNAF violence

AO3 Fic

Episodes 2, 3, 4

Vanny and that melted demonic rabbit were gone. The virus was gone. The Pizzaplex was free. The animatronics were free. Gregory was free.

So, what now?

First of all, this calls for some very well deserved screaming.

"FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKK!" Gregory screamed at the top of his lungs. He couldn't care less about Freddy scolding him for his language in the background. That child has been hunted, bruised, burned, and has seen stuff you could not even dream of. Gregory will scream whatever he wants, as long as he wants, because he is tired of this bullshit.

"Gregory!" Freddy reprimanded, "Watch your language, young man! I-" Freddy cut himself off when Gregory gave him a look of 'Really? That's what you're worried about?' And Freddy got the point, given what the kid has been through.

"Uh, you know what? I'll give you a pass for today." He patted Gregory's head. "You deserve it, Superstar, after…" The bear slowly turned to look around the lobby of the Pizzaplex. Just seven hours ago, it was a wonderland of lights, music, and joy. Where did it all go so, so wrong? How did this safe haven for children become such a rotten hell?

"NOOOOOO!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!!!"

Okay, I wasn't actually expecting an answer for that, Freddy thought.

Vanny burst into the lobby, looking burned up in some places. She was holding a large knife in one hand and some sort of remote control in the other. Instinctively, Freddy jumped in front of Gregory to guard him and readied himself for a fight. Gregory mimicked the animatronic's combat stance to defend himself.

"I WILL FUCKING GUT YOU YOU PIECE OF-"

Thonk!

Vanny's threats were cut off as she was knocked out from behind. As the woman fell to the ground, Vanessa came into sight, holding her heavy flashlight like she just swung it. The security guard sat on Vanny's legs and pinned her hands behind her back to keep her from getting away.

"Freddy, use your emergency comms and get the police over here!" Vanessa ordered. Freddy obliged. "Gregory, who is this woman?"

"I…." Gregory was shocked. Vanny and Vanessa were two different people? "I thought she was you! Y-you guys m-messed with th-the robots and you were g-gonna…" Gregory couldn't take it anymore. He crouched into a little ball on the floor and broke down sobbing. Freddy knelt down beside the little boy and reached out an arm to pat him on the back.

"Shhh… shh… let it all out, Gregory. It's okay, I'm here, Superstar. You're safe, now." Gregory cried even more, leaning into the bear's touch and practically falling onto his shoulder. Freddy and Vanessa exchanged a sympathetic glance.

After about 3 minutes, Gregory pulled himself together and stood up. "I'm okay now, Fre-"

"FREDDY MERCURY FAZBEAR!!"

Everyone cocked their heads to the sudden call. In the same entry way that Vanny came in, three broken and busted up animatronics limped through. Well, two did. Monty was being carried on Roxy's shoulders due to his lack of legs.

"YOU HAVE TEN GODDAMN SECONDS TO EXPLAIN WHY I WOKE UP IN A BURNING BUILDING BLIND AND TORN UP!!!" Roxy screamed.

"What the- ARE THOSE MY HANDS!?!?" Monty added, looking to the claws that Gregory put on Freddy. "AND ROXY'S EYES?!?!"

Chica also yelled something incoherent, but it was probably something to do with the fact that Freddy had her voice box.

"YOU TOOK MY EYES??" Roxy shrieked, "WHY I OTTA-" Chica and Monty had to physically restrain Roxy from turning Freddy to scrap metal.

"Okay everybody settle down!" Vanessa interrupted. "Now, Freddy, Gregory, what the hell happened??"

~~~

"So, ma'am, you're telling me that this woman," The cop pointed to the backseat of the police car where Vanny was glaring at the Pizzaplex, handcuffed. "Kidnapped all those missing people, brought them down underneath this place, and killed them. Is that right?"

Vanessa nodded. "That's correct, officer."

The cop turned to Gregory. "And you were gonna be her next victim?"

Gregory nodded. "Vanny broke into the animatronics' systems and made them go after me. Well, except for Freddy. He helped me! But, with the others…" Gregory pointed to the Pizzaplex entryway, where the Glamrocks were sharing hugs and apologies. "I was able to defend myself."

The cop stared at the animatronics wide-eyed, and leaned over to Vanessa. "He did that?"

The security guard nodded. "Check the cameras if you don't believe him."

"Might just have to do that. Do either of you need medical attention?" Vanessa shook her head. "Good. Now, we just need to ask that you two come downtown so we could ask you just a few more questions." They both agreed and stepped into a separate cop car from Vanny.

~~~

Freddy gave Gregory a wave as he saw the child enter the car. Gregory waved back and sent a message to Freddy through his Fazwatch.

"Don't worry, Freddy. I'll be back by tonight. No matter what."

Freddy chuckled. Mostly because he knew it was true. That kid was quite the stealthy one, and if he wanted to be somewhere, he'd get there.

"So uh… are we gonna get repaired anytime soon?" Roxy asked, "Because I really would like to start seeing again."

"Roxy, I'm over here," said Freddy, "You're talking to a street lamp. And, yeah, I haven't heard anything from the company or the STAFF bots yet, so… Come on, I'll take you guys down to Parts and Service and give the workers a head start."

"I still don't know why Vee decided to get the cops instead of just letting us deal with that Vanny gal," Monty commented as they headed inside, "I woulda shown her for makin' us hurt a kid and gettin' my legs chopped off." He muttered something else under his breath that nobody could quite make out.

"Monty, if we had killed Vanny, we wouldn't have anyone to place the blame on, and the company would most likely scrap us," argued Freddy. Monty growled and mumbled in response.

"That kid, Gregory…" said Roxy, "Do you know who he is? Where's his family?"

Freddy shook his head. "His guest profile was unrecognizable, and when my systems tapped into the internet, he was a complete ghost. That kid's just as much a mystery to me as he is to you. He's a good kid, though. I hope he gets back to his family safely."

~~~

"Okay, we have your statements, you two are free to go." Vanessa and Gregory exited the police station and they called a taxi back to the Pizzaplex. The ride was awkwardly silent until Vanessa decided to break it.

"Gregory, where are your parents?"

The boy took a breath, avoiding eye contact before answering.

"I don't have any. I've lived at an orphanage my whole life."

"I see. So, how exactly did you get into the Pizzaplex?"

Gregory turned to her and gave her a small smile. "If I tell you, I won't be able to do it again."

Vanessa laughed at the little gremlin. He must've worn the orphanage workers out. Gregory joined in on the laughing.

"Hey, Ms. Vanessa?" Gregory asked when the laughing died down.

"Hmm?"

"Do you think… maybe Freddy could adopt me?"

Vanessa didn't know what to say. Gregory had found a home in Freddy. Hell, that bear had probably given him more love than any other adult he'd ever met combined. But, Freddy was an animatronic. He was property of Fazbear Entertainment and the Mega Pizzaplex. He wasn't a human being with legal documents and legal rights to adopt a child.

But… who was she to deny such an extraordinary child of a home and a parent?

"I'm afraid not, Gregory," she answered, "You can only be adopted by a human, it's impossible for Freddy to adopt you."

Gregory's head turned to the ground. "Oh," was all he said, staring at his shoes. "Well, I guess I'll just have to keep sneaking back in, huh?" he joked.

After a quick moment of thinking it over, the conclusion of which being Eh, fuck it, what could go wrong? Vanessa put her hand on Gregory's shoulder and gave him a wide smile.

"I said it was impossible for him." She said, giving Gregory a wink.

It took Gregory a minute to realize what she meant, and when he did, the boy waved his hands gently. "Oh, no! I didn't mean that, Vanessa! You don't have to! Especially after all the trouble I caused last night."

"Gregory, you were a child that had to be in fight or flight mode the whole night against a possessed serial killer and her robot army! I hold no grudges whatsoever. Plus, I could give you an entry pass to the Pizzaplex in the daytime and you could come to work with me at night, so you'll probably see Freddy more than me. I'll just give you your basic necessities and unless you'd like me to do some, Freddy could do all of the parenting stuff."

Gregory's eyes and smile widened as he nodded vigorously and kicked his legs. "Really?! You'd do that, Vanessa?!?!"

Vanessa nodded. "Also, Gregory, call me Vee."

~~~

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the one, the only, Freddy Fazbear!!"

It's been 3 months since the Vanny Virus, and things couldn't be better. Vanessa had full legal custody of Gregory, the animatronics and the Pizzaplex had been repaired, and there wasn't a frown in sight as the music played and everyone, human and animatronic alike, were rocking out and having fun at Freddy Fazbear's Mega Pizzaplex!

Well… almost everyone…

You know how I said there wasn't a frown in sight? Well, there definitely was one out of sight. A big one. An angry one

A vengeful one.

#5 robots 2 humans sb au #fnaf gregory #fnaf security breach #fnaf au #fnaf fandom #fnaf sb #fnaf vanessa #fnaf vanny #glamrock animatronics #glamrock chica #glamrock freddy #montgomery gator #roxanne wolf #security breach au #security breach vanny #security breach #fnaf sb au #five night's at freddy's #fnaf fanfic #fnaf movie #fnaf #fnaf glamrock freddy #fnaf glamrock chica #fnaf roxy #fnaf monty #fnaf chica #fanfic #oneshot #sundrop #moondrop

[spotsupstuff]

Do you know any other LMK artists that don't ship sh@dowp3ach and views the two as either brothers or former friends (like how the show canonically portrays them)?

At this point, it's kind of getting annoying that the vast majority ships them, the other day my friends and I got harassed by a die hard shipper lecturing us on how we shouldn't ship them with female characters (or female oc's) because of some lie they're trying to put about them being canonically gay and in love.

oh damn it has gotten to That kinda point?? das impressively horrid ! welcome to the sufferers club, i am offerin u bread in sympathy-based solidarity ✊😔

uhhh.... the ONLY artists i can recall as of now is @/aceiinspacee and afaik from my insider knowledge @/journeytomonkiekid's Mac isn't actually supposed to be romantically affiliated with SWK (but yanno, Vix's comic ain't bout them but it's Something to consume without havin to worry bout the shdwpch presence) @/fre-dream might be worth a mention ? they don't really draw stuff with the monkeys, rather focusing on their OCs but i'm like solid 95% sure they don't necessarily pair up the two anymore i recommend checkin out @/forgettin-my-legos just cuz they don't ship the thing n even tho they aint really active rn i have a soft spot for 'em n they make me smile when they pop up in my notifs

other peeps i'd recommend would be @/sun-wukongs-peaches (not an artist n he ain't in the LMK fandom anymore exactly cuz of the shdwpch bullshit, but he Used to be so if u scroll down enough u might find some leads to shdwpch-free stuff) n then ofc @/sketching-shark (main blog, but they offer some really fun insights, they post drawings from time to time [i'd more credit them to jt/tw itself over LMK tho] n just like s-wks-peaches they reblog strictly non-romantic stuff so if u r willin to dig u might find smth) and @/ar-blackshaw is also not on the hog ship train

#Spot says stuff #i havent been active in the fandom especially when it comes to tag browsin for like a month or two so my info aint the freshest #not to mention that i might legit have half the fandom blocked for one irritating reason or the other #but yea there is basically nobody who goes the platonic route with em especially when u remove me -laughs sadly-

[autistic-fandom-trash]

jongerrymichaelmartimsasha, a ship with so many characters that it probably only exists in my brain: incorrect quotes edition!

Martin, standing at the top of the staircase: What are you guys doing at the bottom of the stairs? Tim: I accidentally fell down. Gerry: MICHAEL PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS BECAUSE I REFUSE TO PAY ITS PART OF OUR RENT! Sasha: Tim bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't reach the bottom of the stairs faster than he did falling down it, so I slid down the banister to get my money. Jon: I don't know how I got here. One moment, I was sleeping in my bed, three floors up, and then suddenly I was waking up here, just in time to get crushed by Sasha. ----- Tim: *Posts an extremely low-quality image to the gourpchat* Gerry: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have $0.15. Tim: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you. Jon: Actually, I did the math, Gerry would have $225, not $0.15. Gerry: Fam, I'm right here... Martin: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :) Tim: Can you buy me an apply juice while you're there? Martin: Sorry, I only have a dollar. Tim: :( Jon: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Gerry would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent. Martin: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice. Jon: You could buy anything you want with &22,500. Sasha: Yeah and he wants soda and apply juice. Jon: Apply juice to what? Michael: Directly to the forehead. Gerry: Great chat everyone. ----- Sasha: What did you get Jon for his birthday? Tim: I got him a cat. Sasha: Really? Me too! Michael: I also got him a cat. Martin: Looks like we had the same idea. Tim: Gerry, please tell me you didn't also get him a cat. Gerry:...I got him a cat. *Later* Jon, crying, surround by cats: This is the best birthday ever! ----- Tim: We have a problem. Jon: Let me guess, you caused it? Gerry: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this bullshit yet. Martin: And it's another Tuesday, your point? Sasha: Would killing you solve this problem? Michael: If you mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem. ----- Tim: Every time I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke. Jon: Okay, but what is updog? Michael: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish. Sasha: No, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released. Gerry: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden. Martin: Surely, that’s Uppsala, whereas updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter. Tim: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs. Sasha: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current. Michael: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway. Jon: What's a henway? Tim: Oh, about five pounds. ----- Martin: Croissants: dropped. Sasha: Road: works ahead. Tim: BBQ sauce: on my titties. Michael: Shavacado: fre. Gerry: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead. Jon:...I don't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

#incorrect quotes #tma #jongerrymichaelmartimsasha #im so mad thats not an established tag

[ecto-stone]

Okay. I just have to Write This down real Quick Becaused this a Dream i have 5 sec a go and i need to write it down before it fade. So the Sky Was Blood Red just like in the Lies DannyMay pieces Danny: I Don’t Understand ???: (look like Dan) Of Course You Don’t Understand. Unlike You iactually have a train of thought. Did You Really Think i Was Your Future version. “Laught” ???: Who would brought that That is Your ghost getting over Whelmed by My Ghost Half  EVIL ness. “ Laugh even more”  Then it is reveal that ??? have Cyro Sleep pot that contain Danny/ Vlad human and ghost part seperately along with Danny (much older looking) Family. Danny look the same as he was but both Vlad and Vlad ghost look older.  A flash back sequence show that he use Vlad lifeless human body to trick Danny into believing the bullshit Ghost human seperation gone wrong backstory. ??? Walt around with the lifeless Vlad body mockingly before putting said body back into the cyropod, Activating a disposal protocall and kill off everyone ghost and human in the pod. Jack got stab by it but some how wake up. “Danny? Grr You will never get away with this Fre “ only to be imediately repeatedly stabb again before he manage to finish that sentence.... With That Finish ??? now return back to the Past ?

#.. with what my brain trying to imply.. this is FFOS AU Utimate enemies #and that Mean this Danny believe in the Yeti / Observant Vlad is meant to be the pure Evil spirit propaganda #mixed with the bias that he is differ from other ghost caused his human half giving him more of a humanity #but FFOS vlad whole existence contradict all that ideal #Hachi text #and FFOS main protag plot is Freakshow wanting to harness the power of ghost which latter reviving his love Lydia whom got killed in the S1 #final by vlad due to an accident #but then morphed into a power hungry monster seeing that he experimented with the 3 Major Supernatural hunter family grilmore #The fenton- the Gothica- and one other that GIW have processsion over #and attemp to turn orphaned and blob ghost (dani) into halfa #resulted in Vlad Gone Mad and break his Power seal that the observant put on him to halt his power growth when he just a newly form #distroyed the portal with feakshow and lydia in it #giving Freak show what they want but at the cost of fusing permanetly with his lover whom voice he heard howling constantly in pain in #his head now #which kick started the S4 time skip where vlad have to go and train into how to controled his power bust

[greekromann]

i dont think theres necessarily. anything *wrong* with fre//emance theres enough time travel/stasis bullshit that at the end of the day i dont really care, but it *is* weird that eli seems to want to set up his daughter with his coworker who he has no reason to believe is anything *other* than twice her age

#censoring bc ive learned my lesson abt leaving in words that will show up in tags #i dont like the ship much tbh bc theres like. one too many things that make it feel weird but also if ppl like it like. whatever #personally i think gordon being her 28 year old uncle is much. MUCH funnier

[torireactstohdgstories]

Wellness Check by Darkfalli - Chapter 2 : In Bad Health

Click here to see the story

"Wait…how the shit did I just sleep? How the stars did I get into my bed?" x) Well, you were thinking so much you didn't notice the giant plant injecting you with sleeping drugs. So that should be a sign that you might need help paying attention to your surroundings?

Ooh, ouch, yeah, that's why you don't just jump out of bed...

Oh, hey, nevermind, Cyathea caught her!

"I was going to learn that affini networking stuff, and I was going to snoop on her eating habits, and send the affini her favorite foods." Oh yeah, mhm, such a bold revenge XD I love it, it sounds like she's not even listening to herself.

"overpowered alien nanny" x) This is so funny

I know I mentionned it already but I love the way Darkfalli uses the narration for characterization. So far, each pov in each story has had something different about it and it's really great.

"I buried my face in my hands and muffled a scream. Digitalis found my smut server." Oh no XD Oh, that is embarrassing. I mean, I'm not particularly private about my kinks but there are things I would never want anyone to just find like that so yeah, very relatable XD

So the vet is here and... "Also, uh, non-human genitals… why did my mind jump to tentacles?" Omg, that's the first thing crossing your mind??? XD

I love the way every response from the vet makes Aster want to just one-up or out-weird him XD

"Also, really fucking awkward of a conversation to have with a xeno who fucking broke into my home at the request of another xeno fern bitch." I mean, when you put it that way, then yeah, true.

x) So now, that's the second time Aster has been knocked out by an Affini, I think I'd be a bit annoyed about it by now if I were her.

Wow, yeah, Aster is rude XD But to be fair, she's angry. A lot, now that I think about it.

I actually feel a little bad for Cyathea. She really has incredible patience. If I were her, I would be so upset that someone I'm trying to help is being so mean.

"I had a lot of applications in sandboxed VMs simply because they couldn't run natively on my OS and also because it was more secure." We're getting into vocabulary I'm not entirely familiar with x) I love the internet but I can barely understand how it works.

Oh gosh, Cyathea's last name is Brownii and I don't know if that's a botanicaly term but it sounds like brownie and that's so freaking cute!!!

"You have a number of psychological issues, including your agoraphobia, autism, anxiety, depression, asocial tendencies, insomnia, and attention issues." And a partridge in a pear tree~

I just keep laughing, this character's narration is just so funny x)

Aw, here comes the trauma. :( Aster is spiralling into bad thoughts and trying to repress it. Poor girl.

"An awful wretched cry of pain slipped out and kept slipping out." Oh gosh, I've known that :( Oh Aster...

The description of being too depressed and tired and emotional to move is on point, maybe just a bit too close to home

I like that Cyathea is really giving Aster choices every step of the way, especially since she needs to feel in control. Using the blue or red flower, giving her the option to stop or keep going. It's nice. I feel like she's trying to do that more than other affini in other stories.

Okay, Cyathea is literally a saint for being able to deal with Aster and stay calm. It reminds me of having to explain to a spoiled kid why they have to take showers and eat their veggies. With more insults. Considering what we learned about how Aster's parents dealt with her autism, it'd make sense she has even more problems understanding what is healthy and what isn't. I don't know if I'm making any sense. Basically, trauma.

~

Alright, so far, I really like the way we're learning about Aster, what she is like and why. There was a lot of relatable stuff in here, I feel a bit emotional myself ^^'

Maybe it's me projecting but Cyathea feels very maternal. Makes sense, of course, but the way she deals with Aster's bullshit with the patience of freaking Buddha really reminds me of having to deal with a kid's tantrums. I really like that though. Of course, it's exactly what Aster needs, that's what that story is for x)

Pretty excited about what's to come! This is really good!

#wellness check #darkfalli #human domestication guide #story blogging #hdg

[fresthered]

hey guys. i think you should join that one homestar runner roblox game. do it for the experiences that lead to ideas like this. come on

(featuring @cara-carabowditbowdit and @terrificathlete as coach z and the blue laser commander, respectively. context is that gunhaver passed out because he nearly drowned and the blue laser commander and coach z are trying to hide the body. it was a lot funnier in game, i promise)

#fres’ art #only posting this here because it took longer than planned to draw. and also i like the lineart so #hopefully i made gunhaver look soggy enough. i tried my best #immediately after this sequence coach z convinced gunhaver that he was god and that the locker room was heaven. btw #homestar runner #h*r #cheat commandos #coach z #blue laser commander #gunhaver #tw drowning #let me know if this needs any additional content warnings 'cause i feel like it's silly enough to not be taken seriously but like #better safe than sorry yk #fres’ bullshit

[kevinwillpkgd]

remember.

remembrance day. as usual I worked thru the ceremonies and looked up late.

Complaints day. get off my lawn dept. (All diff ff around here, and recent occurrences)

no tofu (again) or radish, sprouts, + sauce.

the staff ate my order(?) (3 shimp)

one item per order ruined, (again. over cooked rolls, triple onions, etc)

pre-paid phone-ins get 20 minute wait, (a couple places)

wrong items at coffee-shop (chain, 3 places), overcharged.

***

next thing ya know they'll accuse me of being anti-social. Or a bigot.

Bite me. Getting things right is a rarity, not normal. I don't use any of 'em (FF places) much anymore. (manic power-tripping (sons) and low IQ passionates a BIG problem. Vengeance, all that.

midnight parking lot shootings too. Harder for me to say, tho i can see back-of-the-truck sales.

I'm getting deaf, he has an accent, she chirps too high to be heard. Bleah. I'm outta here; this doesn't work for me, no how. not even the web.

***

on the other hand, maybe the rumors are correct; I am a dirty, drug dealing, child molesting, porn-making, cartoonist, musician and writer.

a retired one. With an attitude.

NOT. I don't smoke but do gift the stuff. If you can read, there are freebies.

oh, i hit Jolly jack with complaints yesterday too. from sequential art at collected curios. 10 in orders, a 30 shipping charge. WHAT!

two things I hope he noticed. VERY difficult to find print, took twenty minutes to score and insane shipping costs.

it's strike three for christmas already.

"I'm fine, this is fine, everything is fine" t-shirts (Big fam here. I bulk buy at hoildays, tho they usally get books not Ts) and Jolly jack for me. ( Love his works, want phone books.)

other things? 2 grand for an electric snow blower? holy fre-holy crapola! we have plow-build banks here to remove.

this is insane bullshit.

the last green plant died, (holly hocks) time to level the garden.

tomorrow? p3 let them eat garbage ( AI products : phone text2vid productions.

kiss social-media goodbye.

#canada #writing #complaints #rememeranceday

[randomawe]

My friend’s sister has a brutal stalker that has been attacking her relentlessly. He just struck again yesterday and attacked her at work, landing her in the hospital. The Belizean police will not do anything as she is a Mopan Maya woman and indigenous people are constantly on the receiving end of a lot of bullshit. We are trying to seek ways to hire a lawyer so that she can potentially seek asylum here in the US and get some type of protection. Please help if you can!

#gofundme #indigenous #mopan maya #mayan woman #Belize #donate #send help #POC #West Indian #caribbean

[absolutewriting-rubbish]

I can't find my cat so instead I cried for a solid 15 minutes, took a break, and started crying again

#i dont know where she is but if she doesn't come back thats it thats my thirteenth reason #shes my fuckin world and i need her #genuinely have not cried in months and this is what does it for me #definitely cathartic but motherfucker #fre bullshit #and its not like i havent seen her in like a few hours its been a day+ im not overreacting

[slashingdisneypasta]

Poly!Frason x Reader || Headcanons

Topic: Just SFW headcanons for them- I may add a second part with all the angst stuff I can think of but not yet! ^^ This could be considered romantic or platonic, you choose. ^^

Warnings: This is mostly comedy XD A little mention of the men trynna eat your pet kitty cat tho. This whole thing is set in a time post FVSJ but Freddy has got his body back somehow.

First of all- You went and decided you wanted the wolf AND the hunter and I applaud you for it.

Second of all, I have no patience hahah. So we are skipping over 'how' in the world this happened- Just know it took a while to get them to cope with each others' existences but you've figured it out for the most part. I mean neither of them can help themselves every now and then, yeeting the other across the camp or bullshitting from the mouth but!- its an improvement XD

Boy these two know nothing about boundaries. You must be a saint. Jason will lose (what's left of) his mind, if you so much as spend a weekend back at your place in the city. Don't bother reupping your rent babe cuz a couple hours outta the camp is his limit. And Freddy disregards personal space and your comfort levels on a regular. They are his comfort levels, now. Be warned.

Jason has a new sense (A 7th, if you will. Cuz we all know his sixth is sniffing out horny behaviour) and these are the 'Y/N's leaving the safety of the cabin tingles'. He'll come a running when he feels them and catch you just with the flat of one foot not even yet touching the grassy ground but definitely looking guilty as can be, like... 'Oh... Oops?'.

Freddy loves it and will go out of his way to make it happen. Getting snacks you like and leaving them out just out of reach from you (As you're on the porch) so you have to inch out of bounds in order to retrieve them ("Mmmm, look at this delicious, freshly campfire cooked bowl of mac and cheese. Its too bad I don't actually want it myself! Such a shame it's going to go to waste... Oh? You want it this Y/N? No problem! I'll just leave it right... here, for ya!" // "I hate you.") or bursting in all panicked and saying quickly, that there's a bear! And we need to go now! Just for there to be no bear, of course, except for Jason, and Freddy's standing there with a video camera he stole from some campers.

"Jason! I didn't mean to- Really!- no- But- Really, it was Fre- Oof." *You cross your arms pouting as Jason plops you back down inside the cabin.*

He does not care for your excuses Y/N, just for the love of god and the sake of his anxiety- STAY INSIDE.

Now, if any of the campers were to find you, supposedly safe in the cabin... well, Jason is missing that sense. Its an unfortunate loophole. LUCKILY, though, Freddy is rarely far away. He knows in his mortal form he doesn't hold up much against groups of teenagers and so is in much the same situation as you, being vulnerable (Therefore its a better strategy for him to stick with you- tag team). But you two have some contingency plans for times like these when you're in danger, so don't you worry.

Like Booby Traps! You have a few of them in and around the cabin (Like the classics- foot nooses that end up with the poor soul hanging upside down *cough* where freddy finishes them off *cough*, bear traps *cough* Jason occasionally gets stuck in these but he just goes on walking around with it like its nothing. You have to ask him to stop so you can take it off gently for him *cough*, etc. I know nothing about booby traps sorry). And if those don't work, you pretend to be a hostage (A non-consenting one) to lead the soon-to-be victim into a false sense of security just long enough for Freddy to sneak in and get them from behind.

You get to introduce them to modern things! Cuz like, remember, both these men are old, okay? They are in their 70's. They still think apple is just a food.

You show them music when you can get your hands on a campers phone until it loses charge, movies on a little portable DVD player, and books (Yes, I think Jason can read. He was 11 when he died. He probably just needs practise now and to get back into the rhythm- then he'll improve fast ^^ I like to think he likes reading and writing! And is a stickler for grammar. Like, Freddy uses abbreviations and Jason gets so annoyed.). Also different sexualities and gender identifications! ("Like, for example, since Freddy likes women and men, then he may be bisexual or pansexual, depending on how important biological identity is to him. Or aromantic, too! That means you don't feel romantic attraction. And Jason- since you don't want anything to do with sex- you might be Asexual! Only if you want to identify though, you can go without a label too if you want- " // Calm down Y/N neither of them really care. Jason is just Jason and Freddy is just slutty)

OODIES FOR ALL.

You also discuss games... and of course Dead By Daylight comes up... And... "Oh, its super cool! It has a whole buncha really cool original killers, but also quite a few well-known Horror Villains and Slashers! Like Bubba and Michael! And... and... " *Slowly you realise Jason isn't in it... and get awkward... and quiet. Slamming your mouth shut*

Freddy: "Am I in it??"

You: Ow- oh, uh- in, in a manner of speaking...

You give them both a 'Which Divergent Faction Do You Belong In?' quiz and Freddy thinks he's a Dauntless but he's a Candor XD Jason is Dauntless. Also, of course, Hogwarts Houses.

I can imagine them starting a collection of Pop Funkos if they could- its too cute and I'm gonna die with this headcanon.

I feel like... no matter how 'sweet' we tend as a fandom to characterise Jason... if you got a pet... both he and Freddy would be vying to eat the thing. Come on! You're in the middle of a forest living off junk food left behind by campers, and leaves- and its not camping season. Hand over the cat, its eat time, nom nom.

I feel that this goes without saying, but Jason is the mature one.

You and Freddy make up games to pass the time.

When you're sad and don't care to be cheered up, Jason's got it. He'll sit for hours with you in his lap, your head on his chest until you feel better or you fall asleep.

You wash up in the lake and Jason plays bodyguard for you ^^

#Poly!Frason x Reader #Jason Voorhees x Reader #slasher x you #Jason Voorhees x Reader x Freddy Krueger #Freddy Krueger x Reader x Jason Voorhees #Frason

[bomberqueen17]

Cliffs Notes: Witcher Two

for all of you lovely, brave folk who’ve said “oh i’ll read whatever you write” and who dove gamely into my sudden descent into Homoerotic Witcher 2 nonsense, and quite understandably reacted with “ok i’m on board with the homoeroticism but. who the fuck are these people”

I love you, you are so brave, you are the best. I am going to take care of you.

HERE is the answer. But, if you need more detail, don’t worry. I’m here. Crucially, do not misunderstand me: canon “fell” down the stairs and i am the “grieving” widow with an inheritance here, who has just answered the door to you in one of those translucent robes with the marabou feathers, and that’s the frame from which I’m telling you this story; I’m really just here to suck out the juicy homoerotic bits. There’s a lot of dumb bullshit in canon.

(Full disclosure: I am sorry but I don’t enjoy the voice acting or animation of this game and so have interacted directly with it as little as possible. I clearly enjoy aspects of its story but the game itself not so much. If you love it, great! but this post isn’t for you anyway, so go enjoy whatever it is you enjoy and I’m not judging you, in fact you’re ultimately the reason I’m here at all. Unironically, ❤️.)

The rest of you, clicky the cut, I promise it won’t hurt much, and then you’ll Know. Well enough, anyway. Uh in case you didn’t catch on, this is all spoilers for Witcher 2.

W2 is from Geralt’s POV, and as the player you can have him ally with one of two choices, to give you two entirely separate paths through the game, with different outcomes. 

In the prologue, you meet Vernon Roche, who is the head of Temeria’s Special Forces, the Blue Stripes, an elite military unit who execute the orders of King Foltest. Foltest is… an interesting fellow, whose policies include some… fairly… uh, nonhuman-unfriendly ones. You also meet Iorveth, commander of a band of nonhuman guerrillas, the Scoia’tael [Squirrels], who are waging asymmetric warfare against… well, among others, Foltest, who has done (or, more accurately, ordered Roche and others to do) some uhhh well let’s not sugarcoat this: genocides. (War crimes have been committed on both sides, to be somewhat fair; the Scoia’tael do some ill shit, and a lot of people die horribly, on both sides, for often no more than the crime of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.)  So, that’s your premise for this ship, incidentally-- Sworn Enemies, Mutually War Criminals. (It’s alleged that the Blue Stripes were created *expressly* to oppose the Scoia’tael, for some extra juice here.)

Anyway, in a flashback in the prologue, Iorveth allies himself with a Mysterious Personage, who at the end of the prologue, assassinates Foltest. (Mysterious Personage has also, just previously, assassinated the king of Aedirn, Demavend, leaving Demavend’s somewhat-ineffectual son Stennis in charge and not doing a super great job at fending off the invasions of the opportunistic Kaedwen, to the north, whose king, Henselt, is, get this, also at risk of getting murdered by the same Mysterious Figure and indeed that’s a feature of your video game choices.)

Going forward, Geralt gets to pick whether to side with Roche or with Iorveth. If you side with Roche, you make a lowkey enemy of Iorveth, and a particular set of... sort of bad things happens. If you side with Iorveth, Roche is pissy with you but actually helps you out here and later when he shows up in W3 he’s slightly huffy with you but also remains a decent bro there, so it doesn’t actually matter, SO I’m going to just assume Iorveth’s path for all these next bits.

So, Iorveth’s Path: VERGEN is a city on the Pontar River at the border between Aedirn and Temeria and Kaedwen, and this wildly popular woman named Saskia the Dragonslayer has raised a peasant army to supplant the ineffectual Aedirnian regular army at repelling an invasion by the neighboring kingdom (Kaedwen) and wants, eventually, in return for her fighting, to establish a Free State there, and Iorveth is allied with her, and Geralt can choose to help her if he does Iorveth’s path, which is what I’m basing these stories on.

The super awesome twist with Saskia is that she is actually a polymorphed dragon herself, the daughter of Borch Three Jackdaws from the dragon hunt of book and Netflix, and it was Iorveth’s idea for her to style herself the Dragonslayer and take credit for her own other form’s disappearance. This is rad as FUCK and I do not know why you would pick Roche’s path when it means you don’t get to help her. 

(There is some complication where Philippa Eilhart fucking mind-controls Saskia after a poisoning plot, which is like, half the game, but only relevant here in the end because I, too, have availed myself of Phil in my post-canon plots and that’ll surely matter now that I’ve worked Saskia in.)

Anyway what you need to know really is this: Vernon Roche is this square-jawed slightly constipated motherfucker whose king got killed out from under him and is left in W3 a patriot without a country:

[image description: screenshot from Witcher 3, of Vernon Roche, who is a thin white man in a black folded fabric cap, leaning against a wood-paneled wall and glowering just to the left of the camera. And yeah his sword hilt has glitched through his arm because we love CDPR and their physics.]

And Iorveth is an overgrown theatre kid with a penchant for violence and drama in equal measures, far far too beautiful and arrogant for this world. [WEARING a GARLAND of BADGES he has LOOTED from the CORPSES of his SLAIN ENEMIES.]

[image description: a promotional image from the Gwent game, of Iorveth napping in a tree, arms folded behind his head. He is an elf, one pointed ear visible, and is wearing a red headscarf covering the scarred right side of his face where an eye is missing, and is armored in leather and mail with a long-skirted green-quilted gambeson, a decorative blue sash around his waist, and a leather strap across his chest bedecked with enameled badges bearing the heraldic devices of several human kingdoms. He has a complicated bow and a quiver of arrows dangling from his belt, and looks peaceful. A red squirrel is climbing on the bole of the tree near his head.]

And Saskia is A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON who looks like this in her human form how could you NOT. [I don’t like her dragon form, it’s… like… trying too hard to be unfuckable, and like, don’t challenge me like that I’m no amateur she is absolutely going to fuck in that form, but also, I’m mentally redesigning her to be less uhh early-2010s video game crusty.]

[Image description: Gwent card art of Saskia, a blonde woman with a gold-and-red cord headband, standing dashingly on a rock in a heroic pose with flames behind her. She is wearing heavy silver-colored armor with large shoulder spauldrons and a red-and-gold brocade-looking bodice, and brandishing a large sword and a shield. She looks very stern but also looks about 22 and Video Game Hot, though not excessively so.]

Iorveth was supposed to be in W3 but got cut. Alas; he would have been fascinating. Roche is in W3 but is minor, and can either survive it or not based on your decisions. 

(The Mysterious Personage who kills Demavend and Foltest is the Viper witcher Letho of Gulet, who you’ll probably encounter in various other places on your fandom journey, and he’s been paid by Nilfgaard to kill all these kings in exchange for a vague promise of getting to re-establish the School of the Viper, so do with that information what you will.)

Most importantly, in all of this:

if you help Roche, there’s a scene where he defeats Iorveth, but does not kill him, claiming that he hears foes approaching and there isn’t time (after having let Iorveth make an incredibly long melodramatic speech, as he lies there attracively posed with his back arched, bleeding, saying more or less that if he must die at least it’s a worthy opponent: Roche lets him go on for this whole time and then is like welp peace out and bails); if you help Iorveth, there is a scene in which he defeats Roche, and takes his special forces badge as a trophy, but refuses to kill him because he is the “last of a dying breed” and it wouldn’t be sportsmanlike. Yes! Yes! It is THAT HOMOEROTIC in the ACTUAL TEXT, so I am not making this up. They are sworn enemies obsessed with one another and by fanfiction law they must fuck so I am called upon by the ancestors’ spirits to make this happen.

I was going to include an appendix of sources but genuinely, you can just poke around on the Internet if there’s a specific thing here that hooks you. I linked in the story to @laurelnose​‘s github repository of the [WIP-- partial] game transcript, which is less painful than trying to scrub through playthrough vids on YouTube. (Though if you watch only one, here is both possible outcomes of Roche and Iorveth’s Homoerotic Fight Scene. Which gives you a taste of like. How hard you have to work to make this all hot. Listen I don’t like the animation style.) If you’re interested you should totally look more up; there’s a lot of great background character and setting stuff that wildly enriches your fandom experience. But if you’re not, don’t feel bad if this is all you know, because this is literally all I know and I’m pretty confident I’ve got the gist enough for fic, baby, and that’s what’s important. Now I’m gonna rub my gay little hands all over it and polish off the weird eugenics shit and avoid the actual hate crime and go to town.

#witcher 2 #the witcher #cliffs notes #supplemental materials #i promise i worked hard researching this