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@jilychallenge | Partner: @flowersgrowback | January 2023: Firsts, Promises and New Beginnings

Prompt: First date - “I want you so bad it hurts” / “Promise you’ll see me again?”

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All and all can only fall (with a crashing but meaningless blow)

Lily Evans is not a religious person. Her faith in a God long ago discarded, scattered to the winds.

James Potter makes her want to have faith. He has helped her rediscover goodness in the world, in people, with random acts of kindness and delicate kneading away of pain and tension held on her shoulders.

If she is Atlas, holding the weight of a world which does not want her, in any capacity, then he is Hercules, offering to help carry a burden, trying to aid her. He could be her God.

Such big thoughts and world weary views often cross her mind, and she wants to scoff at them for the grandiose themes they suggest at. But Lily is a child of war, an angry woman, and she burns with the injustice dealt to her.

If there is a God, he has made a mockery of her. Dealt her twos and threes at a table of high flushes. If there is a God, his sleight of hand was to put her on this earth, at this moment in time, with a man whose heart is too good for hers to blacken. And yet, and yet, she desires it so much.

They are close now. There was a time when he was younger, that these current moments would seem far-fetched and impossible. But he has matured, and she has grown to appreciate, respect and hold him in high regard. He has grown very dear to her. And herein lies her current problem. She adores this man, this boy, this person who seeks her out first in a room, who waits for her at every door, who is currently laying his head in her lap, focusing on every word she says.

He is perceptive, and she does not realise how much he focuses on what she does not say as well.

‘Am I too late for you?’ She thinks, carding his hair. ‘I give myself to you willingly, without caveats,’ are the thoughts that tumble through his mind. But Lily does not know this yet, and if she guesses at these thoughts, they serve only to solidify a tentative plan which ruptures this evening.

Because she has heard about the proposition this afternoon and it confuses her, but although she questions it privately, she does not ask him. Lily reasons that if it’s true, he would be better off. For her, it would be preferable to keep him safe. Even if it means lying to herself, and clamping down on any emotion other than a frail happiness.

Suddenly a name rings out in the common room. Short and sharp in the melody of laughter and gossip, and their trance is broken. Her hand stills in his hair. He huffs a quick breath onto her wrist, and feeling her tense, rises to a seated position.

‘Lily, can I tell you about something that happened earlier?’

‘Please’ she asks softly.

And though she had already heard the rumours, with the confirmation comes a great stillness. Her features and mind blank, her breathing stopping. And out of the stillness arises clarity - in a heartbeat she knows what she must do. How to save him and protect him from a life he does not deserve. He is too good, too pure for this world. And if there was a God, he would not have tried to drown him in these troubling waters. So she tries, she takes the blows to her armour, she smiles.

‘That’s great James. Did you say yes?’

He looks confused. Unthinkably so. It’s a short moment before he schools his expression to something more neutral. A boundary line being drawn for protection.

‘Do you think I should?’

Oh, but he must know, she thinks, tracing the tension lines on his face with her eyes. He must know how I ache for him. How every laugh is a wound reopening, gushing out love and admiration. A bruise on her heart from feelings unspoken. Sometimes Lily feels alone, beached on an island of her own making. Other times she thinks she catches an uninterrupted stare, an accidental touch which seemed intentional, a pulse of longing running through his speech. But she loves him too much to let him stake his position in a world where such decisions are death penalties.

‘I think’, she starts delicately, shrugs, ‘you should go’.

This is a test, she knows. But she knows that he does not know she is winning, not failing. She will keep him safe, and she can see that the road only narrows with her and he deserves space to roam.

Had she foreseen all those months ago that this would be where their paths ended up, she might have entered into the tentative friendship more cautiously, but the air has been growing thicker of late, and in the moment, past all the hurt and pain, she thinks she can see that this is how she saves him. His brows clear, lines smoothed out and a hardness sets his features.

Her shrug cost her a fortune, he tossed her like a penny.

…………….…….…….……..……..…………..……..…….…….……..…….…………

As she lies alone in her bed that night. She sheds her tears and curses God, all Gods again for their cruelty. After all, Hercules tricked Atlas into carrying the weight of the world again, and if she is bear this burden of hate, then she must bear it alone.

………..……..…….…….……..…….……..…….…….…….……..………….……..…

He haunts her dreams, though he is absent in reality. His friends throw glances her way, which she could spend hours deciphering if she chose to. She chooses not, however, and buries herself more in her work, her duties and responsibilities. She wishes, just for once, to be a normal teenager, with trivialities she has watched and read in popular media. The thought is fleeting – and unhelpful, she reprimands herself – but it sticks to her like shame, and makes her shadows grow longer.

She reminds herself of the holes she has teared in her past relationships due to her privilege. Her privilege and curse of being different. She’s being very dramatic and morbid and the self awareness of it all is almost enough to make her laugh. She does feel a bit like a prima-donna in this moment though, as she overhears another student in the library gossiping about James Potter and his upcoming date.

The words follow her around, and she pieces together a timeline of events from the days leading up to it and eventually the day of the date. And then the words suddenly stop.

The silence buzzes in her ears. She tries not to seem eager for an update on happenings, as that would favour only those not involved, but she is eager. She longs to know what has happened and she does not trust herself to stay away. So she places herself in self-imposed exile. She goes from her dorm, to classes, to the library, to the kitchens and repeats the cycle for nearly a week, until one day she opens the door to the kitchens and finds James sat at her table, opposite the chair she has made her own.

She falters, she does not know how to navigate these new waters. She does not even know at which depth she is swimming.

He looks away from her stood at the door and down to the plate in front of him, takes a knife to the cake and cuts it in half. Then nudges the plate towards her empty seat, an open invitation to join him.

………….…………..……..…….…….……..…….……..………….……..…….……..

Slowly they become close again, and slowly Lily unlearns to keep her biggest fears guarded and hidden from him. They talk about the world and the war outside, about her nightmares, about their dreams. Winter passes and spring arrives and one particular evening, they end up in the kitchens after their rounds have finished.

James is teasing her about something and she is trying to rile him up about something else. They are smiles and easy touches and warm voices. Most of their secrets are shared now. James knows she has tried to shield him with distance, Lily knows James will fight to remain close.

“Tell me about your worst first date?” Lily asks of him, knees up against her chest as she sits at their table, picking at the doughnuts they share on a plate in front of them.

“Demanding, aren’t you” James replies, pinching a doughnut from her fingers and taking a bite.

“It’s self serving, I’m looking to distract you from eating all my doughnuts.” She laughs, grabbing at his hand and taking back the sweet.

He grins appreciatively. “If I needed any proof that my mischievous ways have rubbed off on you, I think I’ve finally got it.”

“You didn’t need any proof you daft sod, my charmwork literally helped you last week with that ridiculous scheme you were all planning.”

He laughs, open and free, before sobering with thought.

“Do you remember that date I went on, last term?”

Lily quietens. Of all their shared secrets, this is still one she bears alone. She acknowledges and gestures for him to continue.

“That was my worst. My head was all over the place, and I did some things that I shouldn’t have.” He glances up at her, seeking permission or absolvement, something she can’t quite read.

“I told her I had feelings for someone else, and she was so upset. Rightfully so, I guess. But it wasn’t one of my finer moments. I’d barely been attentive all day and then there was a moment...” He pauses, lingers on the memory for a beat.

“A moment?” Lily prompts, gently.

“Yeah,” James shakes himself out of his reverie. “And then, well after, that’s when I told her and – it wasn’t fair. Or right. I tried to apologise but, she didn’t want to hear it.”

At this, Lily realises three things simultaneously. The first being that the splinters and cracks she had found in their friendship – relationship – were self inflicted. And varnished, or painted, they would remain until she properly addressed the areas.

‘James,’ she breathes, quick and rapid. Her anxiety in the moment making her words tumble over each other. ‘I’m so sorry, I should have told you not to go -’

‘But you didn’t Lily, that’s the thing. I wanted you to tell me not to, but you didn’t say that. I thought that meant you didn’t care.’

The second thing she realises is that his misery is her misery. His eyes are downcast, the tension he holds in his shoulders over this is painfully obvious. This, she can see, this weight he carries, she has been the one to give it to him.

‘God, James, I’m sorry. I thought it would be best for you to do it, to try and be happy elsewhere. It was selfish of me, I’m sorry.’

And lastly she realises that she knew, all those months ago that she loved him, but her fear was the catalyst for the hurt caused. She still fears for their safety, but a world without James at her side, is not a world she wants to life in. She cannot fully give him the love he deserves until she trusts that their love will withstand this.

‘I wanted so badly to protect you by keeping you away from me -’

‘But you know, don’t you, that it wouldn’t matter,’ he interrupts quickly. ‘Even by being your friend, by being Sirius’ and Remus’ friend, even Peter’s, I will never be what they want me to be. I’m okay with that, with all that brings.’ He paused, the question forming in his mouth before he pushes it out. ‘Are you?’

She brings his hand to her lips, kisses gently before releasing it to cup his face with her hands.

‘Yes. I trust you. I love you.’

Lily Evans does not believe in a God. But if there was one, she prays to him that this moment will never end, and if it must, it repeats itself in time immemorial. Their kiss is heavenly, and she will enter the gates of Eden with James Potter’s love keeping her safe.

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