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kodared · 1 year

Note

more howdy x reader angst pls

this time, no fluff >:)

(or if u want u can do the fluffs, but ur angst is yummy and like bad endings = emotions)

Wooo!! Another lovely Request! Had lots of fun writing this one, and may have projected a little bit, i also lowkey spaced out and... ended up writing some comfort LMAO

Hope you Enjoy regardless!

Howdy Pillar X GN!Reader

☆ UnRequited Love ll Hanahaki ☆

Content Warning!! Mentions of Sickness and Emetaphobia!

Angst / Comfort

Word Count: 2169

———————-

You stared at the sky as a pleasant early Spring breeze made you bundle up more in your hoodie, Howdy was currently inside the Shop tidying up after an eventful day of customers and restocking.

You had moved into the Town a few years back and made yourself quite comfortable as Howdys co-worker in his shop, with him needing frequent help you being his official helper was a no-brainer.

Howdy was delighted to have company in his store, and you even found yourself often visiting him when you weren’t on shift,

As the chill picked up, you started making your way back into the shop, but not before picking a small dandelion and fidgeting with it as you entered the store,

You entered the Shop, the slight heat from the heater warming your skin almost instantly providing you with relief, and the bells chiming on the door made you smile as you walked further into the store.

“Hey howdy!”

Howdy looked up from stocking a lower shelf of Cans, he spoke with a smile as he took off his hat to smooth down his hair as he stood to greet you,

“‘Ello Y/N! You're free to clock out whenever!”

You smiled warmly at Howdy before walking behind the counter and removing your apron to hang it on one of the various hooks before responding,

“I may hang around for a bit if that's alright..! I got nothin’ to do at home anyways,”

You shrugged as you took a seat behind the counter, already looking over the list Howdy had made for items he needed to restock the following week.

“I always appreciate your company Y/N, Stay as long as ya’ want!”

Howdy gave you a warm smile as you looked up from the list, he had moved on from restocking cans to organizing the produce. You made note of the various bruised apples scattered on the floor,

“...Did Wally come by?”

You said as you attempted to stifle a laugh,

Howdy groaned as he bent down to pick up a few of the bruised apples,

“I love em’ but he always leaves an drops em’ in a hurry,”

Howdy shook his head,

“It's as if he doesn't realize their free anyways,”

You and Howdy settled into a comforting banter as the night went on, as the sun set you began to gather your things and begin the walk home,

“I'll see ya’ tomorrow Howd’s!”

You turned to wave at the tall man before leaving the store, Howdy giving you a wave as he hung up his apron and hat for the night.

The walk home was peaceful, small fireflies danced across the skyline as the breeze made the grass sway peacefully. Your shoes crunched quietly against the gravel as you approached your house providing a comforting white noise in the peaceful night.

You lived not too far from the Town, you regretfully made your home in the woods, and you wished most days you lived closer so it was easier to get to Howdys.

But you supposed it wasn't all bad, you had a lovely creek by your house you often swam in during the hot summers, and the neighbors often visited you during the summer for that exact reason.

…Even if they needed a good two or three days to dry out afterward..

You chuckled at the fond memory as you fumbled with your keys to unlock the door and enter your home. Various paintings hung on your walls that Wally had gifted you when you first moved in.

As you entered your kitchen, you looked at the cooking equipment gifted to you by Howdy with a smile. Moving to make a bowl of soup as you grabbed the can from the cabinet.

The night was peaceful, so you opened a few windows. Allowing the cool breeze in as you warmed your soup in the microwave, leaning against the counter as you looked at a framed picture of you and the neighborhood.

…Your eyes lingered on Howdy for a minute or two longer than intended, the beeping of the microwave snapping you out of it quickly.

With flushed cheeks you quickly ate your soup, trying to push away all thoughts of Howdy for the night as your stomach filled with butterflies.

You knew one thing for certain, and that's Howdy had no romantic feelings for you. You spent many years with the man, and he told you many secrets he told no one.

One of which was his fear of romantic relationships, he knew how it could shatter a relationship in two if it went bad.

So after he told you this, you made no more advances toward him. Not that you had done many to begin with, just small gifts such as flowers.

You stared off into space as you pulled out the crumpled dandelion from earlier, you stopped giving him flowers long ago, yet you still picked them for him.

A small cough bubbled in your throat as you quickly set down the flower, placing it gently onto the counter as you set down your soup to go to the bathroom.

—------------------

The next morning you woke to a wide array of flowers in your bathroom, you sighed and began walking into your kitchen. The abandoned soup still sat on the counter, you put the bowl in the sink and began the walk to work.

You had no time to worry about the sudden feeling of sickness that grasped at your throat, you had to help Howdy with his work. The scratchiness that tugged at your throat certainly was proving to be irritating however.

You arrived to work an hour late, Howdy stood worried behind the counter as he looked at you,

“Y/N..! I was beginnin’ to send Barnaby after ya! You okay..?”

Howdy walked from behind the counter towards you, one of his hands moving to put his hand on your head, suddenly you felt sick to your stomach and hotter than before.

“Your burnin’ up Y/N! Why didn't ya’ call in sick!”

You quickly stepped back from Howdy, fanning your face to provide momentary relief at the heat that spread across your cheeks.

“M’ Fine Howd’s! Jus’ need a..-”

Before you could finish speaking you hacked into a coughing fit. Your shoulders shook as you gripped onto your arms firmly, desperately trying to catch your breath as you felt something… Soft..? Rise in your throat.

Howdy moved towards you, his face full of concern as he reached for you to lead you to the bathroom. Before he could get his hands on you, you ran to the bathroom.

You sat over the sink for a few minutes before the large Flower emerged from your throat into the sink. You stood in shock at the flower.

Gently you picked it up, the small white flowers attached to a long, slender stem. Containing multiple small flowers on one stem.

Howdy began knocking on the door, quietly speaking through the shut door,

“...Y/N..? Ya’ Alright? I can go call Frank if ya’ need!”

As you looked at the flower in bewilderment, you absentmindedly nodded, before realizing Howdy couldn't see you through the shut door.

“Uh... Yea, could you get.. Frank... I don't feel well,”

You panted as you were finally able to catch your breath after all of the coughing, as you heard Howdys footsteps leaving to go call Frank, you couldn't help but feel dread as your throat got scratchy again.

It only took a few minutes for Frank to arrive, frantic knocking coming from the door as you heard his familiar voice.

“Y/N? I gathered the proper medical supplies, let me in,”

You carefully walked away from the sink and opened the door, letting Frank step in as he took in the sight of your face.

You were pale, paler than he had ever seen, and your mouth had lines of spit leftover from your frantic coughing fit. It was easy to see you were not feeling well.

However, what caught him off guard was the sight of flowers in the sink where he expected you to have been coughing up bile. His eyes widened in shock.

“..Y/N.. Have you been coughing flowers?”

You took a minute to respond before reaching into your throat, pulling out a stray leftover flower bud from the back of your mouth.

“....Ya think?”

Frank would usually roll his eyes at your sarcasm, but he seemed genuinely scared as his face held panic. He quickly ushered you to sit down on the closed toilet, your legs beginning to shake from standing for so long.

“How long have you been coughing flowers?”

He said seriously as he looked into the sink, putting on a glove from the first aid kit he carried in and examining one of the many flowers.

They were Babys Breath.

You sighed and leaned back, your stomach doing flips as you become more and more nauseous.

“I dunno, probably a day. It started yesterday,”

You heaved as you struggled to breathe, your head positively spinning from the lack of oxygen reaching your brain as your chest grew heavy.

Frank looked at you with his panicked face, his once tidy hair now fraying in different directions as he approached you.

“I need you to answer honestly. Is there anyone you have had feelings for? And don't be an idiot. When I say feelings I mean Love, this is Urgent.”

Your head lolled off to the side as you thought, your eyes became droopy as you struggled to stay awake. You gave a simple nod as you quickly grew more and more tired, You felt Frank grab ahold of your face, making you look at him.

“Who!? This is Urgent, Do not Lie.”

Your head spun as you struggled to stay conscious, before muttering the name of someone who you knew was just outside the door.

“Howdy.”

—---------------------

You lay in Howdys bed, unconscious. You had been like this for many days, it was only a matter of time before you stopped breathing entirely.

The day it happened Frank was the first to alert everyone, demanding for Howdy to put you in his bed for the time being, not taking the chance of leaving you to rest in your own home seeing as it was so far away.

Wally, Eddie, and Barnaby were the first to visit, gently holding onto your hand as they consoled you, not like you could hear them anyways.

Then came Poppy, Sally, and Julie. They spent hours pleading with you to wake up, but to no avail, at the most your breath only stuttered and stopped more.

Howdy was the last to visit you one-on-one to everyones shock. After Frank had explained the situation and the condition you had, he felt too guilty to even look at you after he laid you to rest.

He reserved himself to sleeping in his living room on the couch that barely fit him, it was what he deserved after all. He was the one that did this so you, if only ‘he wasn't such a coward’ he thought as he looked at you sleeping.

You struggled to breathe as he sat near you, he didn't have the heart to tell you just how much he really did love you.

He noticed every time you picked a flower, and every day he ached for you to give it to him, but you never did most days. He knew he was scared of relationships, but he wanted so badly to try with you to have a successful one.

And now he would never get the chance.

He stayed by your side for the rest of the day, gently holding onto your hand as he watched you, sometimes he would gently lay his head on your chest so he could have the momentary relief you were still breathing.

Only for it to be shattered every time you struggled to get a successful breath.

Eventually, at the end of the day, he had to tend to the shop. He missed your company on late nights like these, giving your hand one final squeeze, and placing the most gentle kiss on your forehead, he left the room.

You rolled on your side a few hours after he left, breaking into a coughing fit as you watched a large flower come out of your mouth. Not paying any mind to the ringing in your ears as you sat up.

You felt warm as you continued to cough, Howdy had heard and quickly ran into his room. Practically smothering you in a hug as he muttered incoherently.

One word you did understand, however,

“I love you.”

With one final cough you felt your lungs freed from the tight grasps of stems and flowers, Howdy gently rubbing your back as you continued to cough while he cried tears of joy.

He was so happy to have you back.

That Summer many Amaranthus bloomed in the Garden you and Howdy shared.

--------

WOOO BY THE MIRACLE THAT IS ME I FINISHED THIS THE NIGHT AFTER PROM, ＼ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ／ GOES CRAZY GOES STUPID,

okay enough silly LMAO, I will be working on the next Chapter of WHN this Week! Ill try to have it out probably by Thursday!

☆ Luv and appreciate u guys <3 Send more Requests my way! My AskBox is currently Empty!

#howdy pillar x reader #howdy pillar #welcome home #asks #welcome home x reader #frank frankly #hurt/comfort #hanahaki #hanahaki reader #unrequited feelings #their both dumb an in love #had fun with this one!!

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7ban-sama · 5 months

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Man 2023 was such a crazy year for AmaTsuka... I'm going to make a vague attempt at tabbing through Cataclysmic events in chronological order

February really kicked off the beginning of the year. First ominously seeing this header Tsukasa and feeling like, no... no... What's this? [brain shriveling up] call girl... phone sex... [REACQUIRES LIQUID] wait, Eros and Anteros?? [camera lens focusing] heart... necklace?

Matching? heart? necklace? hearts weighed on a scale? [crying]

[the event itself starts happening] [we see Amane's design in full and have to process he's some sort of corseted whore] Excuse me-!! Excuse me, sensei-!!!!! What does it mean! Help me!!

We get further information about how these demon brothers are extracting love from people and turning it into jewelry. (Ominously we receive no explanation on what their particular pieces of heart jewelry mean... LIKELY different in nature from the other hearts around them, but in what way? Not like we'll ever find out I guess.)

Like some sick doujin set-up, they're doing a competition where the loser must do what the other says at the end of this.

Deplorable... Reprehensible images. The vibes of this game they are playing with one another... The voting feels rigged anyways, because Amane's more capable of presenting himself appealingly, working everyone over.

This sucks I don't want to see what happens next I want to go home. [it persists.] I'm watching Nene-chan be TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, WHY IS THAT HAPPENING. [it persists] fgwait why is Tsukasa eating chocolates where did he get those. [it persists] FEEEEEEED ? CHOCOLATE? OMINOUS ALLUDING TO WHAT WILL HAPPEN LATER? WHY!!!! but why am I in some sort of doujin. It's happening that way and I can't stop it...

As always, the twins get along better than you could ever predict. "For now" feed him chocolates. Ok

⬆ while trying to learn to cope from this, we are randomly blasted with this ⬇

End of February, this is revealed to us to be the inner sleeve of V19... DEVASTATION REIGNS, THIS IS THE SCARIEST IMAGE EVER... A Hanako with severe cock presence. Tsukasa's fair maiden quality ever emphasized by being surrounded by luxurious sakura petals, a special variety even... Fancy and cultivated. Tsukasa-chan...

Of course this is really stimulating when thinking about canon, this is our biggest look into the atmosphere of the deepest sanctum of Hanako's boundary. Perhaps Tsukasa was here suspended, sleeping beauty style... [horny]

Early March, getting this shikishi. It's more of a personal journey here, but getting an AU where the twins are simply... normal boys, alive, together, visibly, is a lot. Bandage boy Amane even...? Aesthetically, that one-?? Uough... Such a radiant Nene-chan here too... Thank you sensei. I'm grateful this time, not mad at you.

Advertising for V19, naturally we get to see scenes within it. I appreciate getting to see scenes again in color, at different angles etc. This image amuses me, it's like there are pheromones in the air. hot haze of red and purple... paralytic agents. Amane is dissociating and half-hard, as we like him to be.

Extra shikishi because of a G-Fantasy anniversary!

Of all AUs to return, never would've guessed this particular one would, from a set of icons/headers from 2022... That idol Tsukasa was already intriguing, but it's cool to see him in full. There's, a mysterious quality to his outfit, seeing it all, it's almost like the 'hakama' part is connected to his top, so. Are you just in a dress, Tsukasa..? I can't help but think you are...

This Amane meanwhile makes me laugh, WOOO he's here to stan, adorning purple in honor of Tsukasa's color. Tsukasa here has the big mic, he's our main singer. It's like a world where the twins figured out a hobby to pursue together, they can be obsessed with each other in this way, and blow off steam dancing whoreishly. Well congrats. Also I loev you yashiro. you look like. a cake topper. come to our dressing room after the show ok.

it's whimsical for asecond. but then sensei is out for blood. because

this happens. like dropping a big anvil on hundreds of mice. (the innocent fujoshi.)

this image convinces me sensei is evil and wants to hurt the girlies reading this manga. they're not holding back. i saw a deluge of tweets saying things like, Why does this look like a BL / the main characters? these are the main characters? / I can't read the chapter, the illustration won't let me / Why is it AmaTsuka

Everyone felt like they had a group hallucination. Why is it AmaTsuka... (It's always been AmaTsuka) (but still) Why is it this degree of it. Don't understand the deflowering vibes from this. Princess and knight. the torn butterfly wings and the flowers. the like evocative feminine orchids and the obscene wet feeling fruits. Tsukasa's sleeves being flower petals as well, he is the delicate feminine flower here. Hands pulling you close. "Searching for a reason to stand by your side." Why did you say that? Why did you do that? I feel like crying as I type this.

This is basically the most devastating event for the entire year and it happened so early, we spend the rest of the year still looking back and feeling faint. It's hard to be this valid, you all really cannot fathom, what it really means to be 'canon'... It's a pain I carry. Searching for a reasonnnnnnnnnn.....

Late March / beginning of April, and we are about to embark on our 6-month kitty cat crucible. AmaTsuka is going to become a genuine INTERSPECIES narrative, something I would've guessed blasphemous actually. But I suppose not... in this world, Tsukasa can be a child laborer/animal handler at a circus, and Amane can be his precious black kitten. With a little bell.

Amane runs off with Tsukasa, saving his life... They escape together, and are together still, 50 years later. How romantic. We're at the start, and it's already painful and glorious. Senseiiii!!

You know who is holding that cat tail. We have fun here, we take turns being the kitty. Tsukasa has a matching collar now, after all. :3

INTERLUDE for the April update, where we get Ch 101. ALIVE BOYS. CLOCK BOYS!! FIRST YEAR MIDDLE SCHOOL BOYS. OMEN!!!!!!

Serenading, beautiful Tsukasa... singing Over the Rainbow... This loving glance.

It's amazing to get a glimpse into their past, before the rope-burn and injury times. The prelude... Set in such a grim space as this area accessing the clock's inner workings. Captivatingly isolated, enclosed, kinda scary and dank... And we're brushing up against Amane's problem, how he won't say what he wants, won't make a decision. You need to make a decision, Amane...

Back. To the ryokan. Something something, there's a difficult to convey joke in Tsukasa's space, referencing sabi-neko (tortie cats (female cats?)) and also making a pun on 'service'. I get it I get it, Tsukasa is Amane's slave, you don't have to keep telling me...

Everyone gets along surprisingly well.

(This was an amazing year for TsuNene too, of course....)

I say all that but we do get revealed, during this cafe event, that. I guess Hanako is predatory and out here definitely seeming like he wants the guests to eat food to make them tastier and then get eaten. And Nene is also has insatiable lust to consume a human, which is like, upsetting, when you consider Tsukasa is a secret harbored human here. I guess Hanako has no issues with conspiring with his hot co-workers about how delectable humans are, while his 'twin brother' (not really?) (fetish RP?) is locked up in the closet or something. And I guess he does that all day and humps Tsukasa later like mmm my precious little dartyy secret boy.

Bonus thing, there was this insidious meta happening as I watched fujoshi repeatedly visiting the cafes and trying to eat as much scattered sushi and Tsukasa's Milk as possible. while the narrative is about entrapping people and fattening them up for slaughter. IG it felt kind of ghoulish that they couldn't resist the bait of the location and presentation of the meals.

August. Who are they lol? Some more fetish outfits... Amane and his collars, and Tsukasa looking like some little hentai mask girlie. The vibe is like, Amane is a cool super villain, and Tsukasa is there to go kyaaaa ❤

There's some stupid mokke promotional image that informs us these boys have ? horsie tails? so they are like, unicorns? We're having fun with animalish boys lately, I suppose... Thank you sensei (???) I can think about these unicorn boys and a fair maiden now.

Later in August, V20's inner sleeve images. Simply satisfying to see, thank you... back against back...

AND DELIGHTFULLY we get Amane-kun and Tsukasa-kun sillytimes too. AMANE BEING JEALOUS!! SHITTY!!! If you spend too much time working on a school festival, your older brother is going to feel abandoned and lonelyyy...

Starting September a little diabolically. Kitty in lap... This serene expression on Tsukasa... The fujoshi were troubled once more, that it could Be Like This.

Petting you, scritching your chin, going to pick the cattail fluffs out of your fur... Intimate moments like these must happen all the time. Sighhh...

Advertising V20 later in September. These images are so-- the genders. Amane looks like he is going to beat Tsukasa with that wrench. Scary guy. Tsukasa, a natural vixen, as usual. The framing of him before the big clock... Artful.

Bonus lil sad guy in late September... A look into the Amane that misses Tsukasa when he went missing. XU !!! I like to think he was truly helpless without Tsukasa there, pining for him.

Fsr between everything, TsuNene is getting buck wild and ramping up, until you get Tsukasa kissing Nene... She gets smallified in the manga and I'm suddenly like wtf canon moments of oniiloli for TsunNene. And Monster Nursery comes back so it really hammers in. IT'S JUST A VERY INTERESTING YEAR PSYCHOLOGICALLY. And VERY fun if you're me, shipping all 3 of them. Woooooo (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Anyways November has our last couple major beats...

Tsukasa asserting that Amane won't come if he called, never has, alludes to so much. Why were you calling? For what, how long, what convinced you Amane would never? The idea of a Tsukasa that would plead to be saved or helped in any manner is dizzying. Beyond that — does Tsukasa not believe he has implicit value, not something Amane covets...?

(Meanwhile, I have to love that he confides this to Nene, and encourages her to get them out of this situation. Tsukasa had to make his way out of his own entrapment[?] in the past, and he believes Nene can too. They're similar, aren't they? Hehe.)

The pacing of the fall, Tsukasa catching Nene, then the ambiguous line, as if he mouthed Amane's name to himself...

And he shows up, like your hero, I guess.

'何？' ⬅ ??? ??? ?? Atrocious. Could that truly be your response? With that expression? Moody, hands in pockets, acting cool... You do all that and then you throw Tsukasa's handcuffed arms over your neck. Saving your two captive princesses... It's absurd out here. The fujoshi are dying for a reason.... You get sick of inhaling the toxic fumes of twincest miasma.

I suppose to make me less angry at them, AidaIro present a final birthday offering.

Naughtyyy shrimpt stealing boy... I can't believe it. Amane! You would steal the shrimps your mom is slaving away at, and hand them to your brother. He's going for more! Tsukasa is innocent and he of course must appreciatively eat your pilfered shrimp... But goodness.

Iet's simple, it's cute, it's a lovely illustration with lovely colors, it depicts another moment from canon we haven't seen (right before photos?) Silly and cute and says a lot about their relationship still! I feel like Tsukasa is often passive like a sweet kitten while Amane is a naughty boy. Wah!

A truly devastating glorious year, I feel so valid, I feel like I'm stuck on my throne, which is also a torture device, I'm strapped to it, there's a horrendous machine stuffing grapes in my mouth, I'm being laughed at, I'm crying. That's what it is like to ship AmaTsuka right now I suppose. HanaNeneTsuka thrums in the background all the while, ominous and foreboding. We get closer and closer to the end goal of all 3....

I'm looking forward to 2024. よろしくお願いします.

#☀️#❤️💜#this is my Yugi twins wrapped post

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trigunwritings · 1 year

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Hello hell-o!!, so i wanna request can i get Gn! Reader with base on a song hire the song

Gn! Reader who is an angel who fall from the heaven , disguise her self as a human, Bit by bit they try and try to help people , but somewhat felling bit sad and you know.. Kinda hate himself , eventually they meet humanoid typhoon it self, and so bit by bit spent time with him, The reader wanted to show her true self ( like wings and Halo things ect) and yet they did but reader said " I'm look bad aren't i? " But Ofc you know Vash Like shut the reader up and tell that they are Not bad ect ect

SO YE IT'S MIGHT BE SAD A LIL BUT IN THE END READER HAPPY WOOO!!!

One step placed in front of the one before it, the motion even and repeating. It’s almost a mantra of physical movement, over and over again with no seeming end in sight—both metaphorical as much as physical. Onward. That’s all you can think. Onward and onward.

How long? The hot days and cold nights have begun to blur together.

How far? You’ve lost count of the steps since last meeting the eyes of another living thing.

The feeling of sand beneath your feet has gone numb, faded into the background of pure existence just like everything else; the sharp wind, the cold darkness, the air burning beneath a merciless sun. Things like hunger, sleep, thirst—they are nothing, but you are not without a physical sense that feels lacking and empty.

But it’s for the best, you tell yourself.

A lie, you tell yourself.

It’s never a good idea to stay in one place too long. If you do, people begin to get curious; from there, curiosity turns into suspicion, then to realization, and then accusation. It’s the same cycle every. single. time. Once one person knows the origin of their town’s newfound ‘miracles’ then its only a matter of hours to get out before they inevitably try to corner you with desperate pleas and agonizing voices of hope.

Please heal my son, he’s been sick for so long-

-bless our crops so that they will finally grow, or else we’ll starve-

-you can’t leave without helping us!

Help us.

You have to.

Each voice is a stone you drag along behind you, tied inexplicably to your memories no matter how hard you want to forget them. Sometimes they are just desperate and think they must convince you to part with some of your strength in order to heal their sick, their tired, their hungry. Other times—most other times—they think you are selfish and evil. To be capable of helping people and not doing so, they say, is that not a form of evil itself?

And that is why you roam. Why you can’t afford to stay without bringing even more harm and fear to the very people you want to help. Why you are afraid to let anyone see you. Know you.

Beg you.

Curse you.

It’s for the best, you tell yourself.

Your existence spans so many years that its hard to pull specific moments apart from the relative gray that haunts you. Moments of fleeting joy interspersed with empty desert, sand beneath your feet and wind howling in your ears.

But is shattered by the companionship of one singular man, and his name is Vash.

At first you’re wary of him, hoping to leave his presence and escape to your self-enforced isolation every moment that you can. And yet somehow he sticks to you without fail, as if he has the same levels of unending stamina and inhuman lack of basic needs—but he is so… bright? Joyful? Having grown so used to the cold, dark auras of people in need, Vash’s soul is like staring directly into the sun.

You think that he will wander off on his own path eventually, but he doesn’t—nor does he ask any questions when most would.

The random feathers strewn about camp in the morning after bedding down for the night (it felt nice to sleep again).

Your constant supply of food somehow procured from deep within the old bag on your shoulders (when did it taste so good?).

He did not even question when, in the quiet moments beneath the dark night sky, you held up your cupped hands so that he could sip from the water that miraculously came into existence from nothing at all. And as you sipped in kind, it tasted so cool and refreshing against your dry throat.

When had it been so quenching?

“Vash.”

The sound of his name stopped the man mid-step. He turns, eyes glancing back towards you curiously but saying nothing in reply.

He has to know. Why won’t he say something about it? Why isn’t he calling you selfish?

“I’m not human,” you say, the words like needles against your tongue.

He’s quiet for a moment before a soft smile pulls at his lips.

“I know.”

“This is not what I really look like.”

“I know.”

You stare at him for an unknown amount of time before your gaze moves down towards the sand shifting around your feet. How many grains of sand was there on this planet? How many people had succumbed to its deadly embrace? Starvation when you could have created food, illness when you could have healed them. How many people have died in which you could have saved?

A hand suddenly comes down upon your shoulder, jolting you from your thoughts so viscerally that when you look back up to see Vash standing in front of you, there must be tears in your eyes from how much they burn.

“Having the power to help one person doesn’t obligate you to help everyone.”

Hypocrite, but an honest one.

He brings his hands up to cup either side of your face. Is that empathy in his eyes? An understanding? Whatever emotion lies within them, it is interlaced with a pain you are all too familiar with. The pain of regret and guilt.

But his touch is soft and warm. New and unfamiliar. In that very moment, you suddenly realize that there’s not a singular moment within the gray sea of existence that you remember someone touching you like this. It’s nice.

And that’s when your wings shimmer into material existence. Feathers swirl in the air around you both, as numerous and white as forgotten bones strewn across the desert. With but a simple motion they expand outward, so wide that they cast a dark shadow across Vash’s entire body from the suns behind you. Two, four… six? Maybe more, countable and uncountable in ways a human’s eyes can’t always perceive.

The golden ring of light above your head sits like a crown, though it feels many times heavier. Neither a physical or material shape, it hums and wavers in and out of existence as the sunlight scatters through the air. You can even feel the marks start taking shape on your skin—words of a language so old that it spoke the universe into existence.

And Vash doesn’t look away from you.

He watches, smile never fading, holding your face in his palms even when he must feel the weight of a thousand mountains on his shoulders in your presence. Even as the air is hard to breathe, even when your very whispers are like thunder, he looks at you with such fondness.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs. “So beautiful.”

And for the first time since the dawn of time itself, you truly believed him.

#trigun #trigun x reader #fic #sfw fic #angel!reader #vash the stampede #vash x reader #vash x you #writing #sfw writing #vash fic #Bibically Accurate(ish) Angel Reader™️#don’t know why its important to mention but I was imagining the Trimax version of Vash for this #it just feels Right #but interpret it however y’all like!#longpost #long post

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superdoctorastronaut · 2 months

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So my girlfriend and I are sick as dogs (wooo first time getting covid) and I have discovered my new favourite small way to feel better when everything hurts. And that is by talking to myself like I would to an ambitious five-year-old doing new tasks. Bend over to put on my socks in a way that doesn't increase the pain? Good job me! You're doing such a good job of not going too fast and taking care of yourself! Brush my teeth? Wow! I love that you're doing things that make you feel good even when you don't want too! Take more gross cough medicine? I'm so proud of you, and after this we can get a little treat!

The real best part of this is that my girlfriend thinks it's adorable when I talk to myself like this and it makes her smile. 10/10 can recommend being incredibly kind and gentle to yourself is a good tactic.

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engagedtobefree · 2 months

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I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own.

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun.

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever.

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship.

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right.

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it.

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha.

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason.

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

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makemeanangelpure · 2 months

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March 22, 2024- again.. I’m chicken shit to weigh because I know there’s no progress.

I have to start somewhere.

I threw up this morning because I ate again after throwing up last night, so drunk, I just ate with the full intention of purging after because I knew my partner was passed out. I’m hungry now obviously because I threw up again, and I’ve had 4 saltines, a green monster and bread and butter pickle juice. I want to eat to make the feeling go away, but I’d feel like a fatass for eating. I made them macaroni and grilled chicken from the freezer because they’re hungover today and that’s what they wanted so I scooped a ton into their bowl, and just now put the rest in a tuba-ware. I smelt it like 4 times, made myself think I didn’t want it but typing about it, thinking about it I want to go over there so bad and just eat it cold. They kept putting their hands under my shirt to warm their hands and eventually I had to say “ please don’t touch my stomach right now.” Which lets them know where my brain’s at even though I already assured them I was fine today. I know if I eat that, I’ll want to throw up again and won’t be able to, so it’ll be better to be hungry and sleep in a few hours rather than eat it, because they can eat it. Because they are off the next two days and I shouldn’t have any because it’s theirs now, I made it for them.. and I ate all the croissants this morning and purged like a moron. I feel so guilty.. I love been drawing since I cooked, trying to organize an old playlist and distract my brain, finish my monster, I tried to go over and kiss them while I was cooking and be affectionate.. but I’ve been very introverted today since they’ve been home.. they said they missed me and I got slightly annoyed because I’ve literally been over here for an hour just doing my thing- one night we haven’t watched something on tv together and suddenly you need attention when you said if I need time, I need time.. I don’t know and I put away my stuff like I was gonna go sit with them and stop drawing and now she’s asleep. Which they need to be to rest from the hangover.. god dammit I still want to eat it. Kill me I hate the way the saliva builds in my mouth.. I hate being a binger.. it’s being weak. It’s being fucking weak.. and tomorrow we’re supposed to go to this cafe with board games and I already don’t really want to go because I want to wear clothes but I don’t look the way i want in them and over half my closet doesn’t fit.. I can’t wear bras or panties or skirts or shorts or certain shirts without being reminded of how fat I got. They want to invite friends and I said no so fast because 5 years later and I’m still not seeing my friends because I’m trying to lose a crazy amount of weight first. And I keep thinking I should just eat today to give myself something to go off of.. start tomorrow.. I’ll have coffee.. I WONT order anything to eat at the cafe.. I can’t I don’t have money.. I’ll appreciate a coffee.. that’s what I get.. FUCK AM I EATING IT..

I ate it.. I hate it.. half way I wanted to be done but I’d put Cajun and pepper all over it and they eat it if I do that . So I also ate all of the lemon bread they got me and left one so they can have it.. and of course I’m full and feel sick and gross and horrible and god bad shivers.. so nervous the whole time they’re gonna wake up on the couch and they just did for a second while I’m eating bread..

I’ll get something tomorrow that keeps me under 42 for the day.. and for dinner I’ll have 2 cucumber slices and plain tea. Fuck.. it’s so hard to pick something a cappuccino or a latte are both gonna be about 100-150 as well as a cold brew.. I could just have a cup black and bring my own zero sugar sweetener and have pumpkin flavour like that.. might do that.. then I could have milk in my tea or something or maybe there’s creamer singles I can grab in there hell I don’t know.. anyway fasts started wooo

Staying under 50 cal I’m sitting for 44 hours should be easy especially with these first two days being 42’s.. and I can do it.. I’d rather drink slightly more bitter coffee and keep under my limit than have foam and OR OR OR I could do my fix it fast out of order and do a 442 tomorrow

ALRIGHT and I work 4 days coming up,, so in accordance hereS how it’ll be ( moons for work days )

Sat: 442

Sun: 742

🌙Mon: 42

🌙Tues: 42

🌙Wed:42

Thurs: 742

Fri: 742

🌙Sat: 42

Sun: 742:

Mon: 42

Tues: 42

Wed: 42

Okay after next Sunday I don’t know yet if I work on mon or Tuesday but either way it doesn’t matter cause work days would be 42 and ITS PERFECT TO END THE fix it fast because will be burning so much fat on 4 days at 42 cal.. ughhahahahajaajaj

Okay okay.. this will be good.. tomorrow rises a skinny bitch and soon my body will show for it.. especially after this.. I don’t know.. guess it makes sense to try and aim for losing 7 pounds soo assuming I’m 113, goal is 106 on April 4. 113 is probably where I’m at since after purging I’m weight 115 ish.. and a day or two of fasting would put me at a more accurate 113.. alright 106 in 12 days. And 12 is soul’s number… it’s PERFECT. I’m doing closing shifts so that’s perfect too. I work right through dinner, and I can come come and make it a ritual to have green tea or the peppermint one.. I’ll write down my stretches and mini workouts to do.. maybe on my off days I’ll wake up steadily earlier and earlier.. and go on morning walks for 42 minutes.. ah I’m excited! This will be good. I can do this.

Oh my god I estimated and by his birthday June first by keeping all this up and togther I’ll be 93.. 1 pound below my old low weight.. after all this time.. and for his birthday! PROGRESS progress and by my birthday I’ll be 87 a pound under my old UGW before it dropped to 84 and 84 I’ll hit a week before July ends!.. I’ll be getting so skinny through spring.. and spend the beginning of summer, going from 89-84 pounds.. good god.. I have to do it. I don’t care. I don’t care. I’m ready to be toned and strong again. I’ll put in the work on my own to strengthen my core, and being consistent with work will help with that too. I’m going to be able to pay for things and make it everyday without b/p because I’m above that. I’m an Angel, I’m going to make my partner the best death weapon.. 3 months and a half we’ll have victory. I have to be strong, pure and sound, if we’re going to be the best we can be. By example it’ll inspire soul to work harder too. Match wavelengths. My hair will be back longer again too.. by end July it should be back down to my collarbone.. which means my hair should be long enough for pigtails again! I’ve missed them so much!

#ed vent

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the-s1lly-corner · 5 months

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WOOO!

its official! we've hit 1k followers sometime last night while i was sleeping! as we already have planned. i already plan on writing a oneshot (or two, its hard to say as theres already a vote for the fandom going on and creepypasta is reaaaal close to TADC! if it ties i will do both) so keep a look out for any polls that will be floating around! its going to be a blog wide "lets build a fic together" sort of thing! one of the polls is already up!

naturally its going to take a while since tumblr only have 2 time limit options for polls and i dont want to use a different site as i feel this is more convenient for everyone </3 as soon as this poll is done there will be a second poll determining the character and there will be a third event where i will let you guys send in prompts and there will be another vote! then the fic itself will be written!

now onto another thing! when i started this blog i didnt think we'd ever get this far.. and honestly i didnt think i would have written this much as this blog was mostly started in order to give me something to do during the day. around this time of year last year! (i... forgot to do something for the first anniversary of this blog but hush hush i was sick)

i just woke up so my wording is all over the place but i do want to thank everyone for being so invested in my writing; new and old followers! i didnt think my silly little writings would mean to much to other people, or that my ideas were worthwhile at all so im really touched that you guys think they are you know? and i want to thank older followers who have stuck around during my different interests! while this blog has for the most part been creepypasta (and as of late TADC), i have had phases in other fandoms (though short lived to match with my real time hyperfixiation in it). this blog was never intended to be a solo fandom account, but?? i forgot how i was going to word this but im happy that people still stuck through after finding me through say. overwatch or spiderverse but kept around for my other stuff. rolls around

remember to drink water, go get a snack and get plenty of rest; have a great day/night/evening/afternoon!

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refrxctive · 7 months

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hc + 💔 for a headcanon about a sad experience

thematic headcanons || always accepting!

wooo okay so i'm gonna put this under a read more for mentions/descriptions of dysphoria

When Harlow reached their mid teen to young adult years, their vocal dysphoria got bad. Really bad. It was to the point that Harlow, known for being ever-talkative and quick to ramble... just stopped talking. Almost entirely. They went from their long, stumbling rants to one-word replies and nods.

Their family freaked the hell out, to say the least. It was mostly sad for everyone else - Harlow wasn't sad so much as uncomfortable to the point where they felt physically sick from it.

This one was a sad situation with a happy ending. Harlow's family already knew they were non-binary, so when they put two and two together they were quick to act. After starting HRT, Harlow was back to their talkative self like nothing had happened!

That didn't stop their other dysphoria from contributing to other sad scenarios. The reason they drifted away from their very first girlfriend was partially dysphoria-related. It's still a problem for them in any romantic relationships they have now. They're holding out hope that they'll fix it one day, when it's safe and they have time.

#almost forgot to introduce myself. [ about ]#colecassiidy #dysphoria warning #dysphoria tw #thank you for asking tek i had to THINK about this one #i could get into the last one more but that one is a lot heavier i would need so many warnings probably lmao

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sharkpupsblog · 2 years

Text

❤️ holding out for a hero 🎠 PART 2. The games (1/2)

A Sabine x GN! Reader fanfic

Wooo!!! Second part out today!!! :D pls enjoy this silly little part!! More will be coming soon but I’m not sure if I will release the next part tomorrow . Maybe Saturday? I’m not too sure :( anyways!!! Enjoy!!! :D ❤️❤️🐎🐎

By Friday, the arena was completely set up and ready for the game your father chose. You spent your whole morning worrying. You ate with worry, you got ready with worry, you walked down the halls of your castle with worry, and now you sat next to your father with worry. The man looked to you, and he put a hand on your shoulder “everything will be alright my dear I doubt he’ll win” he smiled and gestured for you to do the same you obeyed. Your uncle sat next to you, and he laughed “I competed in the kingdom games before! I had so much fun…until king Fripp banished me.” Your uncle was an adventurer and a rebel he defied rules, so the great King Fripp exiled him from the kingdom after he had gone too far but your father and General Elizabeth allowed him to return five years ago. To kill time and to calm your nerves you asked your uncle to tell you about the games he did but when he got to the battling part of the games your father told him to quit it. The man let out a great big huff “oh come on” he made an annoyed gesture “they’re old enough to hear my stories Avalon and they’re about to witness them too so why hush me?” the king narrowed his eyes “do not test me Evergray enough is enough it’s time to move on from the past” your uncle was about to protest but the king continued “do not make me remind you of why the past isn’t so great brother.” With that your uncle huffed and angrily sat in his chair no longer speaking and because you had no distraction you were nervous again you messed with your clothes feeling your palms get sweaty. When the arena was full of people your father stood up, he thanked everyone for coming to the game, he talked about the history of the games and what game would take place today. While your father spoke you looked around for your knight where was she? You had not seen her at all today which was odd you wondered if Sabine was alright. You then noticed you had not seen your father’s advisor and his general either. When you were about to stand so you could go look for them King Sands walked into the balcony. He nodded to you in greeting you returned the greeting then he took his seat next to your father’s throne. Sands whose first name you did not know was king of the house of Garnok. The home had an ally treaty with yours and that is why he was here along with his best general, knight, advisor, and squire. Following Sands was Katja his and your father’s advisor she sat next to Sands you did not speak to the woman she always looked angry, so you never spoke to her, but she did greet you like Sands and you returned it of course. You heard her playing the violin many times from the library she played beautifully but you were too scared of her to tell her. After Katja walked in Jay came into the balcony she looked nervous? she sat next to your uncle she greeted both of you and you both greeted her back. You spoke to Jay a few times she was alright, but she seemed to only tolerate you because you were the King’s kid. She was great in combat she used to be a knight, but your father made her general. You thought Jay was amazing and you would love to be friends with her, but you didn’t think she would want the same. Then finally Sabine and Chiyo walked in you waved at them, but Sabine did not wave back as she usually does, she just walked to your chair standing behind it and Chiyo stood next to her. Chiyo did wave back at you though and whispered out a ‘hello!’ you responded to the hello with a smile. You looked back to your father when he raised his voice and said, “let the games begin!” he was done talking. the games were about to start, and you remembered why you were here, and you got nervous. You felt sick when the lord of the Northern Druid’s home waved and winked at you. You decided to be nice, and you smiled awkwardly waving back at him. When he got on his horse you looked to Sabine “did you see that?” you whispered “gross…” Sabine stared straight ahead not looking down at you as you spoke. Okay…maybe she was not in the mood to talk today? Chiyo on the other hand was she laughed softly.

#ssoblr #sso #star stable online #ssofanfic #sabinessoxreader #sabinessofanfic #sharkpupsblogwrites!‼️🗣#lookingforssomoots💔

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rawliverandcigarettes · 2 years

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The Last Halfway There (probably)

So. Here we are.

This is probably one of the last posts on Halfway Home’s writing process before I actually release the beast.

I have spent the last month working on two things simultaneously: finishing up Halfway Home and locking most of the text, and reaching 100k words in The Empire of Preys.

Halfway Home

I’m going to begin this piece on Halfway Home, as I am passing through the tipping point: the text I have on my computer right now is probably 99,5% of what will be posted on the internet for all of you to read. It’s a wild feeling, one that makes me double-guess basically every single choice I made, because of course!!!

Rereading the whole thing (AGAIN, I am honestly getting a little sick of it) has brought back a lot of feelings. The story has accompanied me during very different times in my life: some happy, some very... precarious, let’s say. The interesting thing about it all is that it truly, absolutely feels like the story of my earlier twenties; the story feels young to me, in its themes and what it is concerned about, in a way that I still relate to but no longer fully align with. Which is fine! I always knew Halfway Home would probably be a great testimony to how my mind was structuring itself during the heart of my youth, and I still think it’s a worthwhile tale of self-definition, and a good reference point to the sort of human being I was, back then (and what it feels like to be broke and young and super vulnerable –which tends to get hazy once you get more financial security and the “please go ahead and project whatever bullshit you feel like onto me (I can’t really fight back anyway)” sign around your neck gets a little faded by time, and I did not want to forget).

I do not think it is a perfect story by any means, but it has reached a point where it’s as good as it could be. I do see, as the author, the staples holding together many, many, MANY versions of the same event mushed together in one final take, but I think any more adjustment would make the story reek of being overworked at this point –even beyond my own perception, which is obviously quite biased. I still made some final adjustments to certain scenes (I knoooow I’m stopping now it’s over I’ll never rework scenes again I *promise*), and I’m glad I did, as these were scenes that were technically functional but did not ring as true as other, similar scenes in the story, and verged slightly towards caricature. Given I feel like I did a fairly good job with the most difficult scenes and I don’t think they read as exploitative –I mean you tell me, but I feel fairly confident in their necessity after my almost-final reread (which wooo! I have tortured myself over the legitimacy of these scenes SO MUCH, like I had actual nightmares about them being torn apart by close friends for being trauma-porn garbage; so I feel very relieved to believe I can actually stand by them without shame, and think they are doing exactly what I wanted them to do and are both necessary and truthful)– it would have been sad to leave in just the one out of sheer laziness.

But beyond all of these feelings and accepting the story’s flaws for being what it is, aka years upon years of work and rework of my very first novel-length story written in English whose first draft I completed in December of 2 0 1 7 h o w, I still love this story and the characters so much. Even if I think some chapters are weaker than others, there are some I am so enamored with and I’m so glad to have written them. It feels good to reread your work and some of the sentences, succession of events or feelings expressed, and go fuck yes me.

Even beyond all that, I’m honestly very proud of myself for having stuck to the grind for so long; for having refused to settle for the first versions and pushed myself to get as far as I could without professional help. Honestly, it’s been hard sometimes. Working for so very long on the same project can feel quite isolating; not to mention that it demands sacrifices, especially in regards to your time. There’s a lot of things I have simply not done –either games to play, other projects to work on, or even hmmm taking care of my health or my sleeping habits– just because I was busying myself so much with the space frogs. And a lot of this work will be completely and utterly invisible in the end! But it’s totally fine. I know what went into this story, the buckwild amount of progress I have made on all aspects of my craft, and I love all these characters deeply and tenderly, which is it’s own reward.

I am like 97% done with the story (I actually am near that, I have an Excel sheet calculating my overall progress and everything –you are a game designer or you are not, what can I say); there is still some feedback I have to implement, thanks to my delightful beta-readers. Speaking of said beta-readers, I am sincerely humbled and deeply appreciative of the quality of feedback I received on my latest versions. It really helped me identify the points of contention I still have with the English language and push myself further where I was still a little slack –all the while helping me identify what was really important for me and my writing style, and what was stylistic fluff that didn’t contribute much (though I was deeply sorry to report I am going to insist and double-down on my bullshit on some aspects that got flagged, and live with the consequences :/).

But beyond that, I have some plot points to tie with The Empire of Preys, and some last-minute decisions to take on things I have left to the side (like some characters’ military ranks as this is so my favorite thing to figure out, the exact timeline of some backstory events, etc...), which really shouldn’t take more than a couple of days.

Then it’s all locked, and (mostly) ready for release! I just have some key art to touch up, and then… Then the release will actually happen.

I do not know how I will handle that reality, to be honest.

I will still have some stuff to handle, on-top of said reality: the release schedule, every announcement post, and I plan to work on a physical copy to justify the last almost-decade of work and have something nice on my shelf! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves on this front (because I will absolutely talk about this again in the future)...

The Empire of Preys

Thankfully for me, I will also not be completely stranded with nothing to work on after November, because: The Empire of Preys is well underway (The Empire of Preys being the sequel-prequel to Halfway Home, and the second tome in the series).

And honestly? It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever written.

Now, I fully realize there is such a thing as the honeymoon effect with a new(-ish) project, and it’s generally expected to inflate the actual quality of the work in relation the feelings of elation associated with it. But I am over 100k words in by this point, and I am still so bewildered with just how well everything is clicking together.

The thing is: it’s not coming from nowhere. Most of the time spent working on Halfway Home was time indirectly spent working on TEoP, as TEoP functions as the backstory and the crux of the plot, the mystery hanging in the background. But still! This is a *complicated* story, much, much more complicated than Halfway Home ever was (at least on the surface). And the pieces just fit together so well? Character arcs unfold with much more delicacy and complexity than I dared hoping for; the plot seems to make sense? Maybe? And there is a lot of energy on the page. It’s fun! We’re having fun!

I am not saying this is a perfect first draft by any means: I’m already identifying points that need to be smoothed up, question marks I left for myself to solve in the future, and I will have a shit ton of work making sure each narrative voice is distinct from the other while still being stylistically interesting (right now I am a little too forward and dry for my taste). But! I think I managed to recontextualize characters from Halfway Home without contradicting who they are presented as (I am *so curious* to have the reactions to some character heelturns, especially to those who are the most heavily judged by readers in Halfway Home overall, and end up being some of the most emotionally complex characters in The Empire of Preys –one of them in particular even surprised me).

When I mentioned earlier that Halfway Home feels like the work of my early twenties, The Empire of Preys feels (for understandable reasons) very relevant to who I am right now, and what I’m interested in –or tormented by, alternatively. While I will regularly whine that Halfway Home is political in an intimate way –and I believe that it is– The Empire of Preys is political.

What I mean by that is: it’s proposing ideas, defending ideas, and putting them to the test. The point of view characters are educated and savvy enough to develop philosophical perspectives on social organization, economical disparity, internal and external competition over power. This story is, very explicitly, about modern empires; more specifically about the cost of maintaining them.

To express just how awfully political it all is (beyond the plot on the financial crisis –which I am so dang happy about, I think it makes sense and says interesting things!!!): there is an entire chapter about a debate between candidates campaigning to win an election. It’s that kind of story.

There are a couple of challenges that come with this format: beyond the difficulty in making it thrilling and interesting for a reader that isn’t me, I need to make sense! When my characters begin to spew huge monologues on the nature of monetary value, or legacy, or the line between cooperation and assimilation, they need to be internally consistent –at least enough to convince the characters that are spewing them. So I need to think very hard about the characters’ philosophy; I need to actually devise what the electoral program of candidate X would involve in a concrete way, and I need to invent problems that can never truly be solved, or with complicated and imperfect solutions –all the while making them specific to how these alien societies would work.

In a related vein, one of my biggest hurdles right now comes with writing PoV characters with very drastically different political views to mine. The main cast of this story shares very different opinions, all of them more or less developed depending on their level of education and active interest in whatever is going on within the galaxy at that moment in time –and some can be difficult to map on the classic left/right spectrum, as the problems of these societies are not always equivalent to ours. I have also developed a philosophy as I wrote this project: I don’t want to write characters I believe to be wrong and/or actively dangerous with condescension. I don’t want the story to mock them, or have the world twist around them to make them sound wrong, ridiculous, or stupid. I want to take them at face value, and see where their ideas lead with as little judgment as I can manage. And it’s hard.

The character that is giving me the most trouble by far (it’s a little spoiler but an acceptable one I think) is dalatrass Linron. I expected to have fun writing her because she is so despicable in so many ways, and a completely dysfunctional mess on a personal level too; but the truth is, I might have made her too mean and dumb in my outline, which felt prescriptive and authorial in a bad way when I tried putting these ideas to the page. So now, I’m trying to compensate this first instinct within the text itself –making her narrative voice the most difficult to get right, by a long mile.

I think this story is challenging in the sense that it’s challenging me: how I think about the world, my biases on that fictional universe, but also the real one. I am not trying to be objective, as I do not believe in the concept of objectivity in fiction, but I am trying to be perceptive. While I am not going to shy away from my own beliefs and how I decide to identify the scourge of that fictional world, I don’t want this story to feel like a morality tale. It’s a complicated balance, and an extremely ambitious story on that front (and to be honest, on every front).

But I think I am doing fairly well for a first draft, and especially the first draft of this particular story (even if there still are way too many salarian characters, and I don’t know who to cut without breaking my story).

I am not writing linearly, so the chapters I have completed do not follow each other, and I have huge blocks of text of unfinished chapters hanging around –but to simplify, I have ten chapters completed at this point, and around five more who are fairly advanced. It’s going really well! I have scary chapters coming up (one of them is a heist, I have zero idea how to write that –and there is a romantic subplot that equally terrifies me), but while I don’t know if I’ll be able to accomplish my goal of having the first draft completed by the end of 2022, I think I’ll still be at least three quarters down if life doesn’t decide otherwise.

Conclusion

So yay! Here’s where I’m at, during the last moments of summer of 2022.

Expect way more posts from this blog until the end of the year (especially on thursdays); and then some more as Halfway Home gets released one chapter at a time. I still need to confirm everything will be ready by then, so I will reveal the exact release date later in October –giving myself as many exit plans as I can in case I have a last minute panic moment and realize I said something blatantly wrong that I actually totally disagree with and will keep me up at night for the rest of my life if I don’t fix it before release (GOD I HOPE NOT).

Until then, I salute you and wish you the best of days.

#halfway home #the empire of preys #fanfiction #writing #writing update #halfway there #salarians #mass effect

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