AOK, white woman
The ancestors' genes really went hard on me.
Though I believe I fully present as a tall Filipina, I do have a white Dad. The most notable genes I got from Larry were depression, height, and some leg hair. The rest is from Florence.
I was too brown to fit in with my Dad's Iowan extended family; too white for my Mom's family. On my Dad's side, I always felt like my mom, brother, and I were these out of place, exotic signs of a brave new “post-racial” world that everyone patted themselves on the back for over lunches of mayonnaise-based "salads" and sour cream casseroles.
In nomenclature I was always deemed white by people who knew my parents, thanks to that good ol' one drop rule. To be fair, I was much lighter skinned as a child, but only because I was ordered to hide in the shade when outside. Even now, when I spend a day in the sun I hear the full cacophony of aunties and uncles in my head: "We didn't leave Cagayan for you to look like you spent the whole day working in the rice fields!" I was generously gifted colorism, but gate kept from owning Filipino culture. Lucky me.
Once, at the beginning of a bright, shiny new Trump presidency and the resulting cultural emboldening of public bigotry, I once met one of those aunties for brunch when she visited Chicago. I recounted the tale of being shouted at by a man in his car to go back where I came from on my way to the restaurant. Without a beat she assured me, "Well that's okay though, you're white!"
By school age I had fully internalized this message that I must claim whiteness. I felt isolated and weird as the lone non-white girl in my Kindergarten class, and so badly wanted to be just like everyone else. When it came time for my very first school birthday party, my Mom asked me what kind of treats I wanted to bring in for my celebration. I reportedly said:
"Mommy, I want a white Barbie cake because I'm a white girl."
People told me I should be white, so I tried to be. I lived in white spaces for so long, all I wanted for most of my childhood was to be seen as one of them.
I went to the Philippines for the first time when I was sixteen. The motherland had these ideal island weather conditions, which meant that suddenly my hair (which I had been dutifully wearing straight like the card-carrying emo girl I was), suddenly had beautiful, beachy, vibrant curls. After that trip I threw out my Chi flat-iron and never straightened my hair again. That was the first way that I ever gave myself intentional permission to reconnect with my ancestral roots. (Get it?)
My Mom had waited to bring us to her home country until my brother and I were old enough to have our wits about us, since traveling with my six-foot tall white father as a mixed American family was dangerous. The difference between the way I was treated when I had proximity to my Dad's whiteness by strangers in America versus the Philippines was staggering. People in Manila and the countryside alike didn't like that my mom had "betrayed" her people by being with my Dad, so it was safer to leave him at home when we went to the market or ran errands. For the first time in my life, my brownness kept me safer.
At the same time, whiteness made me a commodity. On that trip, family, friends, and strangers would fully walk up to me, stroke my cheek, and say things like, "Oh my god, wow, you're a SINGER? Maganda, you're so tall and so light! The next Charice or Charlotte Church! You should be on television!" I was gifted bottles of face lightening cleansers and serums to take back to the states with me so I could keep my "white" skin beautiful.
This Summer at our family reunion photo shoot, the photographer was arranging the adult cousin generation for a group photo and asked us to sort ourselves by height. This of course erupted in overlapping cries of, "Send Anna to the back because she's SO tall!" The chaos peaked as my petite dietician of a cousin who was sitting in the row in front of me enthusiastically turned to everyone announcing, "Yeah, she's soooooo tall because Anna's WHITE!"
Without thinking, I shoved my arm next to hers: "OH YEAH? PLEASE, POINT AT THE PART THAT IS WHITE. SEE YOUR PUREBLOOD FILIPINO ARM NEXT TO MINE? HMMM, IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE MY 'WHITE' ARM IS SIGNIFICANTLY DARKER THAN YOURS, HOW STRANGE!"
In that moment, I felt the collective rage from all the years I was told I was "such a big girl," by my Filipino family. Giant. Fat. Huge. Tall. White.
It's not even like my cousins have more of a claim to Filipino-ness than I do. In fact, I, only a half Filipina, planned said reunion. I, a mere half-breed, am the only one of the cousins organizing in my city and creating Fil-Am spaces for Filipino music and community. Practically none of our cousin's generation even speaks Tagalog, as we were raised in the peak age of first-generation assimilation. Our families thought they were doing right by us by keeping us from the mother tongue. They didn't want us made fun of for our accents; didn't want us academically behind since the prominent thinking at the time was that introducing young children to multiple languages was detrimental to their development. They wanted us to be American, full stop. Though I now see that our parents were just doing what they thought was best, I used to be really angry that I was kept from Tagalog. Everyone always responded that my lack of language made sense, since I was "only half."
Somehow, my flat, wide nose is the smallest one of all sixteen grandchildren. My delicate disposition made me the only one of the cousins who has a recessive blood disorder called Thalassemia (similar to sickle cell anemia and common in southeastern and south Asian populations). I am half Filipina, but I have whole insecurities about the flatness of my face. I am only half, but have this Filipina medical problem that will leave me systemically tired and immunocompromised for my whole life.
For our cousin's Christmas Secret Santa exchange a couple years ago, I was given a 23-and-me DNA test. The results were predictable:
25% Germanic
25% British Isles
49% Filipino, indigenous to the Ilocos Norte & Cagayan regions
1% Spanish
The thing that shook me to my core was the way my 23-and-me reports outlining my risks for certain diseases and genetic conditions compared me to other "average caucasian women" of my age. Over and over again across the page, the data read:
Anna: WHITE WOMAN
Anna: WHITE WOMAN
Anna: WHITE WOMAN
Me. My brown ass. A woman who gets clocked for Mexican or Latina or Filipina by strangers everywhere she goes; a woman who gets so dark in the Summer she wears five separate shades of foundation depending on how sun-kissed she is; a woman who is yelled at from cars to go back where she came from -- which, if you were wondering, is Liberty, Missouri.
I'm not sure when exactly I decided to give myself permission to stop introducing myself with an asterisk: half white, half Filipina. Those words always felt demeaning to me - after all, I couldn’t divide myself into a brown half and a white half.
What I do know, is that I am utterly exhausted from this lifetime of being told who I am.
I look in the mirror and see a whole person. She rides the line between identities in a world that subscribes to binaries and therefore belongs to nothing. Not gay, not straight, but a secret third thing. Not so disabled that you see it at first glance, but not well enough to keep up with able bodied people. Not brown enough for the brown people, not white enough for the white people.
I look in the mirror at her lidded eyes and cascading jet black hair.
She is not "half" anything.
And she is abso-fucking-lutely not a white woman.
-AOK, August 2023
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REVISED - THE - SPEECH - OF - ANDI MACK -
DISNEY - LEGAL - PERMISSION - 4 - GBC TV -
2 - REMAKE - ORIGINAL - 2023 - TV - MOVIE -
ZACH - ‘ZOMBIES’ - LEAD - ‘PROM - PACT’ -
DISNEY CHANNEL - HD - 30 MARCH 2023 -
DISNEY + - NEXT - DAY - 31 MARCH - THE -
PASSING - ANNIVERSARY - OF - SELENA -
BRUCE LEE - (AGE 32) - HIS - ONLY SON -
AND - FIRSTBORN - BRANDON BRUCE LEE -
SURVIVED - BY - HIS - MOM - AND - SISTER -
THANKS - DISNEY - 4 - THIS - 31 MAR 2023 -
PROPOSAL - 2 - REMAKE - THIS - FILM -
DISNEY - AND - GBC - PRESENTS - TV -
SHOW - NEW - TITLE - ‘PROM - PROMISE’ -
U C - SOMETHING - ANDI’s - NOT - SAYING -
GRAHAM LANSING - AND - ANDI - KISSED -
INTIMATELY - WHERE - HIS - FATHER - IS -
HIS - 3 OLDER - BROTHERS - 1 - AT LEAST -
SAW - THAT - AND - SAID - GRAHAM - HAS -
3 GIRLS - HE’s - THE - YOUNGEST AS OUR -
BIBLE - SAYS - OUR - GOD - SAYS - THE -
YOUNGEST - THE - MOST - BEAUTIFUL -
PHILIPPINE - ISLANDS - 8 SONS - AND -
7 DAUGHTERS - 8TH - BALL - BILLIARD -
7 DAYS - EACH - WEEK - 1 - HISPANIC -
MALE - PASSED - BY - IN - BICYCLE -
WANTED - 2 - STEAL - MY BACKPACK -
PRETENDED - HUGE - DOG - AND YES -
SHOWED - LONGEST - TONGUE - HE’s -
PROMISING - WHILE - I’M - ASLEEP -
STEALING - MY - LUGGAGE - 1 - AT -
A - TIME - MY - NATURALIZATION -
CERTIFICATE - 4 - STOLEN THAT -
IS - OVER - $300 - THEY - REFUSED -
THE - PHOTO - BECAUSE - TIME XO -
FRAME - EXPIRED - THEY - CAUSED -
EXPIRATION - U C - MY - PHILIPPINE -
MOM - PAID - $100 - 4 - FAKE - WORK -
VISA - EACH - 5 OF - US - $500 - 4 - A -
WORK - VISA - ‘MONEY - 2 - EAT’ - MONEY -
2 - AVOID - HOMELESSNESS - SO AS - TX -
SAW - FAKE - WORK - VISA - REVOKE - THEN -
MY - NATURALIZATION - THEN - WORK - VISA -
AGAIN - NO - JURY - DUTY - DEPORT - AFTER -
SEEING - EVERYONE - FRONT - NAKED - NOT -
PIA WURTZBACH - WHO BECAME - PHILIPPINES -
HUGE - BREASTED - 5′8 FT - WHO - WON - MISS -
UNIVERSE - IT’s - A - BREAST - COMPETITION - 4 -
JUDGES - ARE LESBIANS - GAY MALES - AS -
BORN - IN - AUSTRALIA - HUGE - BREASTS -
5′10 FT - BECAME - MISS UNIVERSE - 2018 -
BUT - BORN - IN - PHILIPPINES - 5 GOLD - MEDALS -
GOOGLE - SEARCH - SAID - NEVER - HAPPENED 4 -
I - WAS - BORN - THERE - JOHNNY CARSON - IN TV -
INTERVIEWED - AMERICAN - BORN - FILIPINA - AS -
SHE - IS - GOING - 2 - COLLEGE - AT - AGE 16 - SO -
DID - I - AT - USC - BORN - IN - PHILIPPINES - NO -
INTERVIEW - FR - JOHNNY CARSON - ATTACKED -
BY - A - PROFESSOR - ME - BECAUSE - I’M YES A -
VIETNAMESE - HE - WANTED - 2 - MURDER - ME -
1ST - WEEK - OF - USC - WITH - A - KNIFE - BUT -
DIDN’T - SUCCEED - THE - USA - AND - THEIR -
NEED - 2 - HAVE - FOREIGNERS - 2 - DEAL FL -
WITH - CRIMINALS - HE - SHOWED - LONGEST -
TONGUE - AS - BIKER - 2 - THREATEN - 2 STEAL -
ONE - BY - ONE - MY - NATURALIZATION - BUT -
MIAMI - POLICE - DIDN’T - KNOW - HOW - 2 YES -
DEPORT - ME - THEY - WANTED - ME - 2 - PAY -
OVER - $600 - MORE - ANOTHER - HARDER -
APPLICATION - OVER - $900 - FOR - A - $50 -
5 YEAR - NATURALIZATION - I - ALMOST - DIED -
DRIVING - 2 - AND - FRO - AS - AGE 23 - VERY -
EXPERIENCED WITH - LOS ANGLES - FREEWAY -
AS - IN - HEAD - OFF - ARM - OFF - FOOT - OFF -
VERY - DANGEROUS - AS - I - ANSWERED - MY -
10 QUESTIONS - OTHER - AREA - NEAR - ME A -
HISPANIC - WAS - YELLING - AND - YELLING - I -
CHECKED - AND - THERE - A - CHINESE MALE -
WEARING - GRAY - SUIT - NECK - TIE - HE WAS -
YELLING - AT - I - BECAME - ‘NINJA - TURTLES’ -
JUMPED - UP - AND - GAVE - FLYING - KICK -
LIKE - BRUCE LEE: THE MOVIE - AND KILLED -
THAT - MALE - AFTER - TALKING - 2 - CHINESE -
DUDE - GOT - WHITE - BED - SHEET - AND - ME -
PRINTED - D.O.A - DEAD - ON - ARRIVAL THERE -
2 - SHOW - CHINESE - MALE - WHAT - IT MEANS -
BUT - TALKED - 2 - HIM - MY - PAW PAW - IS -
CHINATOWN’s - SAN FRANCISCO - RENT -
CONTROL - DANGEROUS - MOUNTANEOUS -
ROADS - NORTHERN - CALIFORNIA - VERY -
VERY - COLD - WON - IN - A - RAFFLE - HE -
TRAINED - ME - ASKED - 2 - BRING - MY - YES -
PARIS - FRANCE - FRIENDS - AS - BOYS - AND -
HE - TRAINED - ALL - OF - US - HOW - 2 - DO -
CHINESE - MARTIAL - ARTS - WHO CREATED -
IT - WHY - DO - U - WANT - 2 B - AMERICAN U -
HAVE - JURY DUTY - I - TOLD - HIM - MY - PHILIPPINE -
MOM - RIPPED - MY - CLOTHES - AND - THEN - MY XO -
UNDERWEAR - I’M - GETTING - THIS - FR - DOCTOR -
WHO - NEVER - GAVE ME - HIS - WHITE - LAB - YES -
COAT - I - WENT - BACK - WITH - TORN - CLOTHES -
THIS - HAPPENED - TWICE - BUT - GOD - SAID - IN -
HIS - BIBLE - ‘MUCH - IS - GIVEN - MUCH - IS - YES -
REQUIRED’ - CHINA - IS - LACKING - WATER - SO -
DON’T - LIVE - THERE - HONG KONG - IS - TAX -
FREE - AND - DISNEYLAND - CONSIDER THEM -
BEEN - 2 - MAINLAND - AND - HONG KONG - SO -
LOVED - IT - 2 - BUT - ONLY - SUMMERS - WHY -
DO - U - WANT - 2 B - WITH - LOOSERS - WHOSE -
MACHINES - DON’T - WORK - PRIDE - IN - MADE -
IN - CHINA - TYPEWRITER - CREATOR - AND USA -
MADE - AIRPLANES - WRIGHT - BROTHERS - DO -
THE - BIBLE - ‘BE - LEADERS - NOT - FOLLOWERS -
OF - NATIONS’ - LET - ME - SHOW - U - HOW - 2 GO -
FR - HERE - JAMES BOND - Q - SAID EVERYWHERE -
U - GO - ALWAYS - FIND - YOUR - EXIT - LET - ME XO -
FIND - YOUR - EXIT - OPEN - PARTITION - FOUND - A -
DOOR - SO - CHINESE - R SIDE - TOLD - HIM - MAYBE -
HIS - FAMILY - MORE - HIS - THAN - MINE - MOM - MY -
REAL - MOM - DIED - LONG - AGO - WHEN - I - WAS A -
BABY - TOKYO - JAPANESE - MY - SECRET - MY DAD -
A - WIDOW - BERLIN - GERMAN - PARIS - FRANCE SO -
I - WAS - BORN - IN - PHILIPPINES - BECAUSE - NO -
AIR CONDITIONING - IN - MANILA - INTERNATIONAL -
AIRPORT - WHEN - I - WENT - SAW - FRENCH MALE -
L SIDE - PINAY - R SIDE - TOLD - HER - WHAT - YES -
HAPPENED - AND - SHOWED - HIM - HOW - 2 - YES -
ESCAPE - AND - HE - DID - OBEYED - ME - I - PUT -
$20 - $5 - QUARTERS - ON - HIM - BIBLE - TOLD -
HIM - ‘MONEY - ANSWERS - EVERYTHING’ - NO -
AMERICAN - WILL - EVER - DO - 4 U - WHAT - YES -
COMES - WITH - EUROPEAN - SMALL COUNTRIES -
WHERE - I - HANG - OUT - ALL - THE - TIME - I LUV -
PUBLIC - TRANSPORTATIONS - ALWAYS - IN - YES -
PARIS - FRANCE - ROME - ITALY - DENMARK AND -
COPENHAGEN - MANY - EUROPEAN - COUNTRIES -
WHO - U R - ALWAYS - WITH - WHO - U - BECOME -
CHOOSE - A - SMALLER - COUNTRY - 2 - BE - YES -
A - PART - OF - I - AFTER - THE - BEDSHEET - DOA -
I - WENT - UP - AND - 2 - THE - SIDE - THEN WENT -
DOWN - AND - FINISHED - 1 MORE - QUESTION -
AND - THROUGH - ME - THE - HOLY GHOST -
SAID - THE - ANSWER - THE - FIRST - 10 XO -
AMENDMENTS - WHAT - ARE - THEY - YES -
CALLED - AND - HE - SAID - THROUGH ME -
‘THE - BILL - OF - RIGHTS’ - GOT - ALL - 10 -
QUESTIONS - RIGHT - THE - FIRST - PRESIDENT -
OF THE UNITED STATES GEORGE WASHINGTON -
FORGOT - WHAT - USA - FLAG - LOOKED - LIKE -
LIFE - AT - HOME - WAS - HARD - ALWAYS - A -
KNIFE - ON - MY - FACE - 4 - THEY - WERE XO -
DOING - ILLEGAL - INCEST - ALL - 4 - AS - YES -
CHRISTIANS - CHURCH - GOERS - AND - THE -
2 - GIRLS - LESBIANS - SINCE - PHILIPPINES -
BOTH - SLEPT - IN - 1 TWIN - BED - MANY -
YEARS - REAL - GAY - THE - 2 - BUT - NOT -
LEGAL - INCEST - SO - HE - KARATE - KICKED -
MY - BEDROOM - DOOR - SO - ME - NAKED - 2 -
INCEST - WEIRDOS - CANOGA PARK - CA - YES -
30 YEARS - LATER -
REVISED - SPEECH - INTRODUCING - AGE 7 -
LINDSAY LOHAN - REMAKE - ‘PARENT TRAP’ -
1956 - COLE PORTER - SONG - ALSO WROTE -
SONGS - 4 - KATHRYN GRAYSON - BASED ON -
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE - PLAY - ‘THE -
TAMING - OF - THE - SHREW’ - HE TOO -
WROTE - THEIR - SONGS - LOVE COLE -
MUSICAL - ‘KISS ME KATE’ - HOWARD KEEL -
ANDI MACK - GOT 94 - ON PE - SO BECAME -
SALUTATORIAN - NO 2 - NEW - 2023 MOVIE -
HER - SPEECH - 2 - ROTTEN CLASSMATES -
DISNEY - AND - GBC TV - PRESENTS -
‘PROM - PROMISE’
‘1965 - BRINGS US - THE BEATLES’ SONG -
‘IN - MY LIFE’ - ‘THERE - ARE - PLACES - I -
REMEMBER - THOUGH - I’LL - NEVER LOOSE -
AFFECTION - 4 - PEOPLE’ - I’VE - COME - TO -
KNOW - BENJAMIN - THE - SONG - I’M TRULY -
THINKING - OF - 2 - DESCRIBE - US - AS -
FRIENDS - THE - FILM - THE - REMAKE -
OF - ‘THE - PARENT TRAP’ - ‘EVERY - TIME -
WE - SAY - GOODBYE’ - WHAT THE LYRICS -
SAID - ‘I DIE - A - LITTLE’ - GRAHAM - WHO I -
MET THIS - SENIOR YEAR - ‘WHY - WE MET’ -
LET - ME - ANSWER - THIS - QUESTION AND -
QUITE - IMPORTANT - 2 U - MY REPLY - ONE -
REASON - THAT - THE - SMILE - U - GAVE ME -
WAS - 4 ME - ALONE - ALL - I - WANTED FRM -
YOU - 1987 - BRINGS - JODY WATLEY’s - ALBUM -
‘DON’T - YOU - WANT - ME’ - LOOKING - YES AT -
GRAHAM - WELL - ‘I - WANT - ME’ - I - WANT - A -
FUTURE - MY - DREAM - 2 GO - 2 - THE - BEST -
COLLEGE - I GOT - IT - GRAHAM - JODY’s - OTHER -
SONG - ‘I’M - LOOKING - 4 A - NEW - LOVE’ - IT’s UP -
2 - US - 2 - MAKE - THIS - HAPPEN - A - NEW - LOVE -
4 - ME - 2 - MEET - THE - ‘NEW - ME’ - 2 - FORGE - A -
NEW - LIFE - ‘2 LOVE - AND - 2 HOLD - FR - THIS -
MOMENT - FORWARD’ - BECAUSE - NO MATTER -
WHAT - NO - MATTER - WHO - LEAVES - US - WE -
GOT - OURSELVES - ALL - WE - NEED - 2 - TRULY -
BOUNCE - BACK - AS - WALT DISNEY - SAID -
‘MOVING - FORWARD’ - AND - THAT WE WILL -
AS - NEW - GRADUATES - AND - WHAT - GRAHAM -
ALWAYS SAYS - ‘GO - BULLDOGS’ - 2 - THE CLASS -
OF - 2023′ - FR - ANDI MACK - SALUTATORIAN -
LEAD OF - ‘PROM - PACT’ - A BETTER SPEECH -
AS - KOREANS - SAY - ‘FIGHTING’ - THAT ANDI -
DID - SOMETHING - ABOUT - THAT - KISS - 4 - 2 -
ME - I - FELT - IT - MEANT - SOMETHING - IT - 2 -
ME - WAS - WORTH - FIGHTING - 4 - AND - HOW -
2 - SAY - ‘ADIEU’ - HOW - 2 - SAY - WHAT MEANS -
HELLO - AND - GOODBYE - IN - 1 WORD - THAT’s -
‘ALOHA’ - IN - HAWAII - USA’s - 50TH - STATE -
‘ADIEU’ - PARIS - FRANCE - ‘ALOHA’ - HAWAII -
HOW - 2 - SAY - ‘BYE’ - WITHOUT - HURTING -
MUCH - AS - WE SAY - BYE - 2 - YESTERDAY -
AND - HELLO - 2 A - BETTER - FUTURE - YES -
FELLOW - CLASSMATES - FRIENDS OTHERS -
GIVE - 2 - US - HOW - 2 - START - ALONE FOR -
WHAT - WE FACE - MANY - TIMES - ALONE -
IT - IS - ‘PROM - PROMISE’ - 2 - ADDRESS -
DECISIONS - AND - PLACES - 2 - GO YES -
ALONE - AS - MINORS - UNDER - AGE 18 -
ABOVE - IS - NEWLY - REVISED - SPEECH -
I - HAVEN’T - FORGOTTEN - ZACH - OF -
‘ZOMBIES’ - THOUGHT - REVISED YES -
SPEECH - SAID - IT - ALL - 2 - WHOM IT -
MAY - CONCERN - ENJOY - KOREA - KR
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