#failed surgery

[maroonbreeze]

Will it be a good dream or a nightmare?

I have health issue. A case that only happens to 1 in 100,000 people. I hava Achalasia, a rare disorder that affects the esophagus. I have trouble swallowing, usually feels like the food is stuck when i'm eating or drinking water. Sometimes I will have terrible cases of food got stuck, choking, unable to get the food down down my damn esophagus and vomit it out. Sometimes, with deep, deep multiple breathing, it goes down.

So you can say that I have fear eating outside. In case, the food stucks and chokes me. It happened once when i was alone eating lunch. I got choked by chicken porridge. By porridge, soft food. It lasted for a quite long time. I was crying internally, suffering, and breathing deep enough multiple times. It took long time. Multiple times. It went down. After a long long time. I feared eating alone since that day. I do but that day traumatised me.

I had this for 2 years now. It started with acid reflux, regurgitation and reflux at late night when i'm sleeping. Then this achalasia came. I realised that i am a food lover, that i love to eat afterwards. Too late already is it? I took it for granted. My weight dropped. I went from M to S sometimes even XS. The comments that i got from outsiders, body shaming me for being skinny. Especially those who are being insecure about their large size. I got it a lot from them. They know i am sick and still they let their mouth run. My dream when i'm sleeping consists of me eating non-stop without trouble. Yes, without trouble. Without pain. But dream is just a dream right? They haunts you and show you colorful images but it is not possible. They don't know this. No. They don't have the capacity to understand this. Believe me, i tried making them to understand. That i did not want this. I hate this. I want to change this, but I can't. I can't.

The comments that I got

1. Please take my fat and all my extra skin. You need that. If you reduce it, i will give it to you again.

2. Wind would knock you off.

3. Your shirts looks big on you. (I KNOW)

4. You would look better if you put on some weight.

5. What is your hip size?

6. You should eat a lot.

7. You do not need hot air balloon. Even cold air balloon will lift you up. (this was totally degrading)

8. I will look like your mom if people sees us together outside.

9. What is your kg/weight?

10. I just want to fill up this officce space and let you eat a lot.

11. You only eat that?

12. You done eating?

13. What are you eating?

They don't know the pain i am going through. I have no problem eating, putting food in my mouth. The swallowing part is the problem. My esophagus is the problem.

And you might be wondering, whether did i get consultation from doctors yet. I did. I went to them after getting terrible acute gastritis, twice. Just because my food got stuck and i vomited that time. Man, i tell you acute gastritis is not a joke. I would not wish it for anyone. Pills did not work. Only injections did. That too for 3 days. I couldn't eat. Felt like putting rocks inside stomach. Felt thirsty but kept on vomiting it out. I'm on the verge of dehydration. I prayed after a long time to let the pain go away. For me to eat. For me to live.

Did lots of procedure afterwards. Endoscopy, barium swallow, x-rays, ct scan and manometry. Dousing nasty liquids, getting exposed to rays, getting my throat to bleed. I did it all. And doctor suggested to do a surgery called poem. They gave lots of hope. Telling me that it would cure me. I was happy. I was excited. To let my weight increase. To be healthy. To eat good food. I didn't feel scared to go under sedation. Kind of happy and relieved actually. People even asked me whether am i feeling nervous. I said no. Because i would be healthy right?

Hmm. The procedure. The surgery failed. The doctors attempted twice and my skin couldn't be lifted up. I went through a failed surgery. The 1st surgery in my life, and i wasn't lucky. It failed. I had to kept fasting for another day, a total of 48 hours so that they could do me another procedure. To check whether they had caused any holes in my esophagus while attempting the surgery. I did not eat for almost 3 days. I drank water. I was scared that my gastric would flared up. I cried while calling my mom. I rarely cry in public, but to hear that my hope got snuffed out, broked me. Tears kept falling. It flows now as well.

I was okay after that. Thinking whatever happens, happens. I could handle it. I have been eating blended food for 3 days now. Tomorow is the last days for such diet. Then i could go back to normal food. Damn, the gas trapped in my stomach was real discomfort and pain. And i'm writing this because i have a lot in my mind right now. It will go after this. A little. I read that this problem with esophagus could cause cancer. It is high risk for cancer to develop. Hahaha. What a life. I don't want to die painfully. I want to live, healthily if possible. And sometimes other thoughts, that it's okay if i die. We are humans afterall. Not everyone gets lucky. Not everyone have a healthy life. Not everyone had failed surgery. I did. I am not lucky. I am not healthy. I had a failed surgery. I want to be healthy. I want to eat without pain.

Will it be a good dream or a nightmare?

(Not edited)

#diary #tumblr diary #diary entry #ramble #achalasia #surgery #cancer #bodyshamers #thin #eating issues #failed surgery #acute gastritis #barium swallow #x ray #hospitalised #i want to be healthy

[tectco]

Guys omg I’m back l with more fanart :33

#welcome to hell #w2h fanart #w2h film #w2h jonathan #w2h #w2h sock #sock sowachowski #jonathan combs #napoleon maxwell sowachowski #my bestie tried to help me with how Sock looked #I failed so if Sock looks weird ignore it lmao #first actual finished drawing ever since I got surgery let’s goo!!! #tecoart

[grumpyghostdoodles]

The Almighty Sheriff!

Save a horse, ride a cowboy~

#respecfully sir: AWOOGA arf arf bark AWOOGA #If this gets 30 notes I'll take his shirt off for yall lol #with his top surgery scars Of course #Ive seen that's a super popular HC for him and I think thats great! Good for him! #Farm boi #no fr working in a farm makes you develop muscles that you didnt even know you had #having flashbacks from highschool when they made us work in the garden for two hours under the scorching afternoon sun #I went to a highschool that was all Ooo we are green thumbs and we shall teach the young ones how to plant and harvest their own food #and my god that shit was so physically demanding mate #i didnt had my diagnosis on how horribly mangled my body was So I had to work in the farm thing like all the others and try not to pass out #even the jocks that were fit and always running and playing football during all the recesses were dead quiet after working outside #and all that those classes did for me was to create a hatred for working in any type of gardening activity so they failed spectaculary lol #SO ANYWAYS my point is Starlo can defo deadlift bags of 70kg\150lbs with one arm without breaking a sweat #undertale yellow #uty #Starlo #Starlo uty #north star uty #myart

[nano30cm]

they're gym buddies :)

#reprise reprise #td lightning #td lindsay #td tyler #total drama fanart #hey. fuck you. [makes lightning the most beautiful boy in canada] #he and his dad had a lot of heart to hearts and learned about toxic masculinity and high expectations and now hes doing a lot better #still completely full of himself but hes earned it #i like to think lightning and lindsay met thru modelling #and now they meet up sometimes at the same flashy expensive gym to hang out and motivate each other #(its mostly lindsay cheering him on unnecessarily and lightning talking endlessly about muscle groups n calorie loads while she spaces out) #tyler has top surgery scars but hes always been kinda lithe so the incisions were small #if i were a better artist i'd draw in his extremely tacky goatee sorry tyler fans ive failed you #ALSO IM SO SORRY I WANTED TO GIVE HIM A GOLD STREAK TO MATCH LINDSAY #BUT INSTEAD I MADE HIM LOOK LIKE EGORAPTOR IM SORRY TYLER FANS IVE FAILED YOU #i like to imagine these three have so much positive energy and its an endless positive feedback loop between the three of them #tyler always wanting to get good at new sports and lightning encouraging him and getting excited about new maneuvers #and lindsay getting excited to try something new and tyler being super supportive even if she bombs and it goes on and on forever #every time i scroll up from these tags i get flashbanged by egoraptor again

[ms-revived-frogs]

The process of a caterpillar undergoing completely natural physical changes to become a butterfly is very different from a human injecting themselves with cross sex hormones and undergoing major surgeries to appear as the opposite sex.

One is natural and one is forced.

But thank you for proving how dumb your people's logic is.

#asks #tra logic #do tell me more on how trans people make cocoons and just spring out post-OP #why even need the surgery anymore? just wait until your body does the changes for you! #or wait ... almost like humans and caterpillars / butterflies are different species ? 😱 #TRAs fail to shock me with their ~superior thinking~

[mitamicah]

It's tattoo day!!

Drew a little vintage!transmasc Käärijä for the occassion :3 (the flag he is holding is the tattoo I am planning to get btw x'D)

#transmasc käärijä!!! #I need to find time to draw him more :'D #or maybe I should keep him as this silly guy I only draw for when gender things are happening in my life x'D hahahh #jk #it is hard to see but I tried to add top surgery scars non the first one :3 #also look at me trying and probably failing at perspective x'D #transmasc #transmasc!käärijä #käärijä #jere pöyhönen #vintage käärijä #mine #my own art

[moxyphinx]

ANNA VOLOVODOV + full body

#elizabeth mitchell #the expanse #theexpanseedit #tvedit #anna volovodov #do you ever think about how liz mitchell is 5'9 #or 5'8.5" #or whatever #we love toll #(feeling sorry for myself after failed dental surgery #so here have a draft set)

[unstill]

am i devastated about...pretty much everything that happened in this episode? absolutely. am i mad about any of it? not at all. this conflict...separation...was needed. for both of them. they need time apart. ultimately being a boyfriend and being a caretaker AREN'T the same thing. it isn't impossible but it's difficult to manage for an inter abled couple and yeah sure it'd be nice and dandy if they held hands through it but sometimes it doesn't go that way, especially if both parts need to grow as individuals and need to HEAL from each of their traumatic pasts. did my heart drop to my feet when day said let's break up? you bet! was it unreasonable? no. was mhok's lie about the job unreasonable? no. was it the best way they could have dealt with their insecurities and fears? well no. but that's just the way things happen sometimes. and a lot of you who watch this show need to take a step back and see beyond the romance part of this story really just try to reflect on it, on previous episodes, on the story we've been seeing unfold.

anyways. the mom's dialogue? the meaning it held? wonderfully done. another fantastic episode and i'm impressed that my love for this series and these characters and the story they're telling is still growing

#last twilight #also. seen some ppl be like oh what was the point of the failed surgery? well go back and rewatch the first part #the point was there you just missed it

[cheddertm]

I love you, [shoots my transgender beam at Ninjago]

#ninjago #kai #nya #jay walker #cole brookstone #lloyd garmadon #I have made them all trans headcanons bc I’m trans and I said so #besides maybe Zane who already doesn’t understand gender and is like ‘yeah idk they call me him/he so I just go with that’ #hes an ALLY 🙄 #sensei wu is also an ally and also keeps his head out of the gender talks #wu: look i love you all no matter what but just tell me what to call you and I’ll be on my way #Jay definitely tried to make his own machine to give himself top surgery #(failed) (his parents were screaming) (ah shit blood)

[shleemies]

19 months post op pics!

He/it

#it takes a billion fail selfies for a handful of good ones #top surgery #my face #selfie #me #gross lad #i love my chest #crane center #ashley deleon #tagging my surgeon for anypne looking for result pics

[dykethang]

i feel such profound guilt about. being bipolar. i wish i could demonstrate to people that i'm not always like this, that this is abnormal with a capital A even for me, that i'm not just up and down all the time. that i can be a normal human who's not an emotional drain to tolerate. but there's no way to do that unless i'm well. and i'm just. not well.

#.txt #also found out today i may need more surgery 👍 #and had a triggering medical procedure done to confirm that 👍 #they're gonna try putting a drain in my abdomen first but if that fails then it's surgery again #i want to be normal. i want to not be in a mixed episode. i want life to be nice to me #i want to not feel so deeply horrifically guilty for existing (part of the episode. that's fun) #but how do i even do that. i spent all of last night slamming my skull into the wall. #that's not normal and it's not normal for me. even for a mixed episode. i slept 2 hours

[inniave]

pharmacies should automatically give you (or at the very least offer) naloxone any time you get an opioid prescription

#and that naloxone should be free #i already keep naloxone in the house but neither the pharmacy or the doctor mentioned it???? which is wild to me #all this shit about controlled substances and “don't get addicted!” but NOTHING about naloxone?????? #blows my mind #ur just expecting people to rawdog opioids possibly for the first time in their life post surgery & u offer no harm reduction whatsoever 😳 #i don't think this is an individual failing idk how common this knowledge is this is definitely systemic #they didn't teach it to us even working in healthcare on surgery recovery wards????? #i remember sitting in class listening about opioids and when it got to the end of the lecture the prof still hadn't said #anything about naloxone i asked them about it and they said “what?” and i was like 😟 uhhhhhh #yk #the life saving overdose reversing medication 😭 #and everyone in the class just looked at me n prof was like “why do u know that” and i was like “why wouldn't u teach about it” #WILD #we didnt even have any not locked in med stations and the nurses on these rehab wards sucked #so i always kept at least a one in my scrub pockets #anyway naloxone is really fucking important!!!!!! u can usually find some for free in ur county #i used to have a whole thing abkht where to get free naloxone and needles and stuff i need to find that #harm reduction #naloxone #opioids

[tracingpapier]

little doodle i did on my downtime ^_^

universe where i just delete the love triangle in the first 50 issues. bye bozo

#Sonic the Hedgehog #Archie Sonic #Sally Acorn #Princess Sally Acorn #this is lighthearted i'm sorry geoffery fans LOL. he's fine in later issues #mostly an excuse to write some fun dialogue #i kinda wanna finish this but idk if i wanna do that with my markers or digitally... lmk what u guys think #sonally #I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED TO TAG THIS SHIP FOR ONCE #papier's art #edit: i forgot to give sonic top surgery scars i am a clown a buffoon. i have failed you

[your-local-granny]

when ur so T4T even ur cat is trans…

(happy 2/9!!!)

#lets play a fun game of which scars r burn scars which scars r bombing scars and which scars are from top surgery <3333 #also... if ur wondering why klavier is so short theyre j lying down or smthn idk. #yees thir boxers r color coordinated theyre cringe fail like that<33 #also i forget if mikeko is a boy or a girl and it doesn't matter #apollo justice #klavier gavin #apollo justice ace attorney #klapollo #klapollogies #ace attorney #mikeko #portal art 💕🌸🌤

[the-acid-pear]

I fucking love this movie because look at it look at IGNORE THE CENTIPEDE BTW DONT WORRY ABOUT IT but look at the color and the framing and the fucking Fog like i cannot stress enough just how cinematic the first movie is man. Kind of but not entirely lost in the sequels, where the settings were simply Ugly.

#luly talks #also do look at Heiter's gay little pose this scene is so fun #like its hard to believe but the human centipede 1 is way more artsy than you'd imagine #and i love it bc it never feels pretentious like its just. a pretty fucking movie #there's a lot of simple character building for Heiter too #everything he does his whole house how he behaves #the way he looks and carries that pic of his dogs the naked swimming him fixing the window as a chekhov's gun #maybe not that since the bullet came backwards for the girl but yknow #even the surgery scene is so telling of how much he CARES about this like he's doing surgery on THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE ALL ON HIS OWN #you see him sweat you see him focusing with so much care and precision #i already analyzed in depth too my feelings on a man who previously separated bodies fighting so hard to unite them #i dont give this movie enough credit because im unfortunately obsessed w the third one which is. schlocky as fuck. but like #it's genuinely such a beautiful movie. it's campy too but there's so much soul to it. it's mental. #much better than msot the modern ones i've seen that try to be deep and fail GOD im about to rip my shirt off #I LOVE THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[uncanny-tranny]

i know this isnt usually what ppl send u but i look up to u and i love the way u see transness, im sure u can help. basically i got top surgery 4 months ago and im extremely unhappy with my results. not the surgeons fault, he warned me getting keyhole might require revisions, and im getting them in november, but i cant help feeling like ive failed my transition. i still have so much chest dysphoria. how to cope until november? it's unbearable, its all i think about; that i still have, u know...

Continued ask:

First of all, I feel the need to emphasize that this isn't your fault. You haven't failed at anything. It is okay not to be satisfied with your results right now, especially with a surgery that needs revisions. You are entirely allowed to seek those revisions, and while it's nice that other people think the results look fine, that doesn't outweigh that your opinion about your chest and how it looks is most important. You are not selfish or unreasonable to acknowledge this. I just really, really feel the need to say this because I worry that so many trans people are afraid to admit when they aren't totally satisfied with surgery because it takes a lot of effort and they want to show the "appropriately amount of happiness." This idea, however, isn't right and isn't fair. You are allowed to feel however you feel about your results; other people's opinions aren't a factor in that.

I will also state that I haven't had surgery yet, but I definitely would encourage you to build trust in yourself to express this. It's great that you have admitted how you think about the results. That's a big deal! I think, though, that it can be important to build trust in yourself to be able to be happy and satisfied. There may come a point where, after revisions, you are happy, and that's something I also noticed in your ask. I just think it can be helpful to internalize that hopefulness because it empowers you to know that this isn't permanent.

I also hope that you have a support network that is affirming and will listen. It's nice to be told that others think your chest is fine, and I'm sure they are completely genuine and mean it, but I think it's missing the point. It isn't about having a "cis chest" or a "good-looking chest," it's about having a chest that makes you happy. If you're able, I'd definitely make that clear if you haven't (no judgments if you haven't)

This is a tumultuous time, I'm sure. You deserve to be able to express the full range of your emotions however works best for you. But not for one second do I wish you feel that you have failed. There is nothing you failed at. Transition will always be a unique experience, for the better and worse. I just wish you peace along your journey. You are the most important part of your transition. Your body, your voice, your spirit all matter so immensely, no matter where you are in this part of transition. If there is nothing tangible I can do to help you with this, then I simply want to remind you of just how utterly you matter. I'm glad you were able to open up about this. It's so incredibly vulnerable and scary to admit, even though there is nothing bad about what you feel.

#ask #anon #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #described images #image description in alt #i'm genuinely sorry if this isn't helpful - it can be such a tough position to be in #but i think it might be helpful to be able to reclaim your ability to seek out surgery and revision and whatnot #and what i mean by that is being able to know that you can seek out revision without 'failing transness' #you have failed at nothing because there was nothing *to* fail #and i get why you feel that way... i've felt it too about my own transition. but i think... #...perhaps it comes from this idea that because trans people often have to fight tooth and nail... #...that we should be happy with whatever scraps we get... #...but that's not right or fair! you're a PERSON you deserve to LIVE. you deserve more than the bare minimum... #...you deserve peace and comfort and happiness and everything beautiful in this world because *you live in it*! #and i genuinely from the bottom of my heart hope that all that is coming your way. i hope that revisions bring you comfort and i hope... #...that the time between now and then is calm and peaceful #and i hope you are able to voice exactly what revisions you need to your team and i hope they *hear* you #because that's what you deserve: to be heard. to be seen and to be seen properly #anon i really admire your courage and your perseverance (genuine)