#everybody ask me how I deal with my depression | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

skz317cb97 · 1 year

Text

Why Does it Hurt

Lee Felix x Female reader

Word count: 6.7k (it's like 5.7k of ouch)

Synopsis: When your soulmate Felix can feel everything you feel he wonders, why does it always hurt?

A/N: 18+ ONLY! A bunch of you said you wanted this one to hurt so.... here you go! 😅 I'm loving the polls and everything with this and slowly announcing who's what soul link, so fun! Anyway! If you like this one give it a reblog, like, comment, hit up my asks! I always love hearing from you guys! As always warnings and smut below the cut!

Warnings: 18+ONLY MDNI! Cursing/strong language, elements of abuse, violence, imprisonment, death threats, attempted murder(strangulation), mentions of panic attacks, if any of these things can be triggering please skip this one. Oral (m&f receiving), unprotected piv sex (use condoms please), MC's first time, cum shot. I think that's it it's pretty vanilla as far as smut goes. If i missed anything please let me know and I'll add it, I would feel awful if someone read something that upset them. So if you see something I'll add it asap!

Just like most everyone else on the planet, when Felix turned eighteen, he went to a specialist and found out what his soul link was. It was different for everybody. For some it was a mark or a name, others it was a shared talent or eye color maybe. For Felix it was feelings. Mostly emotions, occasionally he would feel physical feelings and it seemed to vary in intensity depending how far he was from you.

Felix had no idea who you were, no one did really. You had been locked up, a prisoner in your grandfather's house since your parents passed. He was not pleased when he had to take in his orphaned granddaughter so his displeasure was taken out on you with verbal and often physical attacks. Felix felt the desperation and overwhelming sadness that encompassed your life and would fall into long bouts of depression. His family and friends worried about him but there was nothing anyone could do. There was no way for anyone to know who you were or how to find you. It went on like that, days, months, years. Felix learned to deal with the pain but it was never ending. Why did it always hurt?

Felix’s twenty-first birthday was coming up; he was excited to hang out and relax. His friend Chan had rented an air b&b in a quiet neighborhood close to the beach and invited their six other best friends. All of them planned to surf, swim and relax for the next five days, bonfires, drinks, and plenty of good food with good friends, Felix was ready. The day the guys pulled up to the air b&b Felix was feeling your emotions more intensely than he ever had.

He tried to just focus on all the fun they were about to have and push that sadness down for now, process it later, right now just... live. When Felix grabbed his bag out of the back hatch his heart started fluttering then racing. It wasn’t his heart though it was yours. God it was intense you had to be close, you must live in one of these houses by the beach. He hoped to meet you while he was there if you did. When Felix turned to walk towards the house he happened to glance over at the neighbors and saw a girl that looked to be around their age peeking out at him and the guys from an attic window. He gave a small smile and waved. When you realized Felix could see you, your eyes went wide and you ducked out of the window. Chan was walking by just then too.

“Did you see that?” Chan raised his eyebrows and shook his head no.

“See what?” Felix pointed over to the house.

“The girl that was in that top window.”

“We just got here Lix, you’re seeing girls already?” Chan laughed and Felix rolled his eyes giving him a mocking half hearted chuckle.

“Har har har. You’re so funny dad.” Chan feigned offense

“I’m not that old!” Felix shrugged laughing and carried his stuff inside. Maybe you were shy, Felix thought. He decided when he saw you outside, he’d try to say hi so that you knew him and the other guys were friendly. Maybe you’d want to come over for a bonfire. He’d say hello and he’d invite you, just as soon as he saw you outside. That night the guys decided to take it easy and just have a gaming night. Felix was watching the match Changbin and Jisung were playing when he felt part of his face start to sting, as if someone had slapped him, hard.

“Ow fuck!” His swearing caught Chan’s attention.

“What’s wrong? You okay?” He felt it again, pins and needles on the other side of his face now.

“Ah fuck my face hurts!” Seungmin laughed not realizing what was going on.

“Imagine how we feel having to look at it all the time.” A few of the guys laughed and focused back on the game while Chan made sure Felix was okay. Felix felt a pain in his leg, his backside and then his back and then it all seemed to stop. Tears welled up in Felix’s eyes and Chan was worried.

“Are you okay Lix what’s wrong? Does it still hurt?” A tear rolled down his cheek.

“It always hurts. Why does it always hurt?! She doesn’t ever feel joy or love, it’s always pain, it’s always suffering. She’s the love of my life and I can’t help her.” Chan had never seen Felix so worked up and they had been friends since elementary school. Felix had never felt it all so strongly. Tears were streaking his face and he was sniffling. The other guys stopped playing the game and huddled around him to comfort him. Felix had a big heart, anyone that knew him knew that. So for the person that he was meant to love for the rest of his life to be in pain and suffering constantly, it chipped away at Felix’s heart. Once everything was calm again Felix wiped his face with his long sleeve and the guys got back to their game.

“I’m gonna get a little air Channie hyung. I’ll just be out back.” Chan nodded. Felix got up and made his way towards the back door. He stood out on the porch breathing in the cool ocean air, looking up at the clear night sky, hundreds and thousands more stars than you could see in the city. He glanced over at the attic window he’d seen you in earlier that day and saw a candle flickering from inside and then noticed your head poked up, peeking out at him. You quickly ducked away and then the candlelight went out. Shortly after, Felix rejoined the others inside.

Earlier in the day while you sat in your prison cell that was the attic, you had heard a little commotion outside, then you heard a couple of men’s voices. You weren’t supposed to go near the windows, you knew that, but you were curious, it was usually pretty quiet there, which is exactly why your grandfather liked it. Against your better judgement you walked over to the window and looked over at the house next door. When you did you saw eight men, probably around your age, maybe a little older, carrying things into the house. There was one in particular that pulled at you like a magnet. He was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen, not that you’d seen many beautiful things in your life. Your heart fluttered then started pounding. Then as if he knew you were there, he stopped and looked right up at you, it surprised you and you froze. The softest, warmest smile spread on his face and he waved at you. You quickly backed away from the window but the damage was done. Your grandfather had his cameras set up all over that house, inside and out. There was no way he would miss the innocent little wave that man next door had given you.

Later that night when your grandfather came home from work you knew you were in for it. You could hear him coming up the stairs. Big boots clunking as he stomped up each one. When he walked in you immediately started to apologize hoping that it might spare you a little pain. It did not, your grandfather didn’t say a thing he back handed you across the face, he slapped you a few more times before you fell down on your flat sleeping mat crying.

“You’re going to learn one of these days what happens if you don’t follow my rules.” He pulled off his belt and started slapping you with it hard, wherever it landed, your legs, your ass, your back. He threw it at you out of breath.

“Next time I’ll hang you with it do you understand?” You cowered and nodded that you did. He picked up his belt and stomped back out. You laid there crying in the candlelight, the only light you were permitted to have. You knew it was best to just fall asleep as quickly as possible. He wouldn’t be bringing you food tonight, not when he beat you, never after you had been punished. You heard someone walk outside next door. You crawled over, the burning welts the belt left still intense and painful. You just peeked over your windowsill this time and you saw him again, the pretty blonde man with freckles and the smile of an angel. He looked over, it was like he could tell when you were looking at him. You quickly crawled back away before he waved or anything that might upset your grandfather again. You curled back up on your mat and blew out your candle. You closed your eyes and hoped to dream of a life where you and the cute, freckled guy next door might meet and fall in love.

The next day the guys all went dashing out of the back door of the house and out onto the beach whooping and hollering. They were ready for a little sand and surfing. Felix again couldn’t help but look up at the neighbor's attic window to see if he could see you again, he paused a moment before he dashed off with his board under his arm to catch up with his friends. You had seen him looking. You were smart enough to stand back from the window this time. You could see him but he couldn’t see you, or so you thought. Felix actually did see you but he didn’t want to frighten you away again. So he ran and caught up with the guys as his heart raced. You watched as the sweet blonde boy caught wave after wave with his friends, wishing you could be out there too. Laying in the sand, splashing the water at friends. Even though you were raised in that house most of your life, if you could even call it raising, the last time you had been at the beach was before your parents had died.

You were only six when you and your parents were in a horrible car crash. Somehow you had survived with bumps and bruises while the wreck killed both of your parents almost instantly. Then you were sent to live with your grandfather, the only family you had left in the world, who locked you in the attic and told everyone else that you had died in the same crash as your parents. He would feed you once a day twice if you were lucky and only let you out once a day to go to the bathroom and shower. There were rules as well and if you didn’t follow them there was hell to pay. No leaving the attic, no making any noise, no going near the windows, only speak when told to and a slew of others. Sometime around your eighteenth birthday every now and then you’d feel a little light inside your heart. Your grandfather did all he could to extinguish it and he did a very good job of it. Eventually you couldn’t feel the light inside anymore but something about the tanned freckled guy next door made that light shine a bit again.

Since you were hidden from the world you had never been told about soulmates or what your soul link was, so you didn’t know that little light in your heart was Felix. You didn’t know that anytime your sadness felt overwhelming he’d think of all the happy wonderful things about life, things that he loved and just hoped you could feel it as he pushed all those good feelings towards you. No matter how much he put into it, his whole heart usually, it only came through as the little light.

The next day the guys all piled into the car and left for a local spot to have lunch. When they got back the old neighbor lady on the other side of their air b&b was out gardening. When she saw the eight handsome men pile out of the car she smiled and stood up to greet them, wiping dirt off her hands on her apron. After introductions and a little small talk the old lady mentioned something about the other surrounding neighbors being nice as well and then Felix remembered the girl in the window, he had seen you a couple of times now and he was curious about you.

“Oh yea! Speaking of neighbors, what’s the name of the girl next door on the other side of us? Around our age? I was gonna invite her over to a bon fire but she seems kind of shy and I haven’t seen her outside...” The old neighbor lady looked at Felix like he was stupid.

“Old Herb’s place? Ain’t no girl living in that house. Only girl it coulda been woulda been his granddaughter y/n, she’d be around you boys age now, but she died in a car wreck with her folks quite a way back.” Felix nodded.

“My mistake.” Felix and the guys excused themselves and went on about their goal for the rest of the day, more surfing. Felix was confused. He was positive he’d seen a young woman in that house, he had waved at you. He didn’t just imagine that. Every time they went to the beach now Felix glanced up at the window. Every time he did his heart started to beat out of his chest. Every day that passed you knew was a day closer to the man with the freckles and his friends leaving and every day you felt like it was a day closer to the end for you.

You don’t know what came over you. You rummaged through some boxes your grandfather stored up in the attic with you, another rule, no touching his things. You had to do it. You went through and managed to find a piece of chalk and a chunk of some old map or something. You didn’t care, you had to do it. Your handwriting was atrocious and your spelling awful but you wrote a short message and then folded and tossed it into the neighbor's yard praying your grandfather didn’t catch it on the cameras. You had to do it, if not now, then you never would and how long would your grandfather really be willing to keep you? It had been fifteen years. The beatings were getting worse and the death threats came more often it was only a matter of time before he really killed you. You had to do it.

Felix and Changbin were playing frisbee in the back yard while some of the other guys played video games. It was the last day there; they would be leaving tomorrow afternoon. Felix had looked up at your attic window countless times, he didn’t know why. You weren’t ever there anymore and he started to wonder if he had just dreamed you up. Changbin put a little too much wrist into his toss and the frisbee sailed over the house to the side yard.

“I got it!” Felix ran around the side of the house and grabbed the plastic disc. He was just about to turn and run back when he noticed what looked like a piece of trash on the ground. When he picked it up he realized it was folded. He opened the tattered piece of paper and saw what looked like a note scribbled by a child. It was hard to read, pryzner atick. He ran back around the house and showed Changbin.

“What does this say?” Changbin looked at it.

“I dunno man it’s just some kid’s scribbles it doesn’t say anything.” Felix shook his head, he’d found it under your window.

“No this says something.” Changbin shrugged and Felix ran off to ask Chan what he thought. Chan was looking over the scrap of paper when everyone heard your grandfather's truck fly up and skid to a stop in the gravel driveway. He’d seen you toss the note. You were absolutely terrified and Felix could feel every bit of it.

“Oh my god!” Felix finally put it together. He was an idiot for not realizing sooner. Chan was waiting as Felix processed.

“What? What’s wrong?!” Felix looked at Chan with tears in his eyes.

“She’s terrified. He’s gonna kill her.” Chan was confused.

“Who?!”

“The girl next door!” Now Chan was even more confused. The old lady had said there was no girl.

“How do you know?!” Felix gripped Chan’s shoulders tightly.

“Because she’s my fucking soulmate!” Felix ran out of the house and Chan and a few of the other guys ran after him trying to stop him. Your grandfather had seen you toss the note and he was going to do exactly what he told you he would if you stepped out of line again. You could hear his heavy boots as he skipped steps on his way up to the attic, the sound of his belt already being removed. You cowered in a corner. You had to do it. Your grandfather kicked the attic door in and you screamed.

“You shut your fucking mouth! You did this! You brought this down on yourself!” He picked you up easily, of course he did, you were malnourished and weak from never getting any sun or exercise. You tried to fight him but it was like a twig hitting an oak, it did nothing. He wrapped his belt around your neck and slid it back into the buckle pulling it tight around your neck, cutting off your air. He held you out in front of him and you grasped at the belt trying to loosen it but couldn’t, your own weight was drawing it tighter around your throat. You could see the vignette of darkness starting to cloud your vision, you knew death was coming. You weren’t scared anymore, you were relieved. Maybe you would finally get some peace.

Felix burst into the neighbor’s house and started looking for stairs as Chan rushed in after him, telling the other’s to stay behind. Felix rushed around a corner and there they were. He started dashing up them, Chan tried to keep up but Felix was too fast. He was right on his heels when Felix finally made it up the stairs to the attic. The door was kicked off the hinges. Felix ran in, Chan right after him and both saw your grandfather strangling you with a belt.

“Hey! Put her the fuck down NOW!” Your grandfather spun around surprised to find two of the young men from next door standing there. He dropped you and you started gasping for air. Your grandfather may have been strong enough to overpower you but up against two fit men, in their twenties, with six more a call away, he knew he couldn’t take them. Instead, he ran between them and fled. Chan called 911 as your grandfather jumped into his truck and sped off again. The other guys had no idea what was going on so none of them attempted to stop him.

“Hey man! Where’s our friends!?” He peeled away kicking up rocks. Felix ran over to you and gently lifted your head and took the belt off from around your neck. You were weak, still gasping for air, struggling to breathe. Felix was terrified he was too late, he checked your pulse on your wrist, avoiding touching your neck, and it was faint. He started talking to you. Trying to keep you awake.

“Hey hey, uhm, I’m Felix, and uhm...” He tried to fight back his tears.

“I’m gonna take care of you alright? You’re gonna be okay... okay?” Felix nodded as he failed to keep his tears from falling. They streaked his freckled cheeks and you wished you were strong enough to wipe them away. You could hear the sirens approaching but you were so tired. You just wanted to rest your eyes.

“Hey hey HEY! STAY AWAKE! DON’T GO TO SLEEP! PLEASE!” You wanted to listen but you just couldn’t. You closed your eyes and everything was dark, quiet, peaceful.

You woke up in a bright white room. It smelled clean, completely different than the musty attic you’d lived in for so long. You squinted and tried to focus your vision, but it was difficult between the pain in your head and the bright lights. You finally managed to open your eyes and the first thing you did was try to scan the room. You tried to move your head but couldn’t and winced in pain sucking air in through your teeth. The sound woke up whoever was in the room with you. A tired, deep, grumbly man’s voice came from your right.

“y/n?” He walked to where you could see him and you realized it was the freckled man from next door.

“Wha-whe-” Your voice barely came out. It was horse and hurt to talk.

“Don’t try to talk yet. Everything is okay now. I’m gonna get a nurse and let them know you’re awake. I’ll be right back.” Felix ran out of the room excited to see your beautiful eyes open again, he’d been so afraid he never would. When Felix walked back in so did a nurse and a doctor. They asked you some yes and no questions and you would point at your answer on a clip board. After they left you motioned to Felix asking what happened, you only remembered your grandfather coming into your room and then everything was black. Felix pulled his chair up by you.

“After I found the note you tossed out the window and your grandpa came home I realized what it said. Prisoner attic.” Felix didn’t say anything about soulmates right then, there would be plenty of time for that later and he didn’t want to confuse you.

“When me and my friend ran into the attic we found him...” Felix hesitated, it was a hard memory for him surely it would be for you too but when he looked at you, you mimed choking and Felix nodded.

“Yea we found him strangling you. He dropped you and ran off but it didn’t take police long to find him. He’s in jail, there’s still a trial but he’ll be there for the rest of his life no doubt in my mind.” You tried to nod forgetting that you had a neck brace on and winced a little. Felix instinctively grabbed your hand and you gently squeezed it. You took your other hand and pointed at him. You mouthed the word name.

“Oh! Yea, sorry. I’m Felix.” It wasn’t a very conventional way to meet your soulmate but that was the first day of forever for the two of you. After a few days the neck brace came off, a couple of weeks and your larynx was healed enough to start talking. You were severally malnourished, hadn’t had direct sunlight in fifteen years, didn’t move anymore than you could around the attic. There was a lot healthwise that needed addressed a number were things you’d probably deal with for the rest of your life. Felix was with you every step of the way. After you started getting better he explained the whole soulmate thing. You’d never even known soulmates were a thing. Then you remembered that little light that would shine in your heart and you knew then that it had always been Felix in your heart.

Once your health issues had all been addressed and stabilized and the doctors deemed you strong enough to leave the hospital you weren’t sure what was next. You were twenty-one, pretty much illiterate, you knew nothing about the world or how to survive in it. You stood on the sidewalk thinking of all the challenges still to come when Felix pulled up in his car. He got out and opened your door. You slid into the passenger seat and then Felix ran around getting back in the driver’s seat. He looked at you and gave you his megawatt smile.

“Let’s go home.” Home. You didn’t know what that was. The place that you had lived for practically your whole life was only a prison. You would never call it home. Home was Felix. Wherever he was that was home. The day you were released from the hospital was the day that you started living with Felix. He was insistent on taking things slowly.

“We have our whole lives, so let’s crawl before we run, okay?” You nodded and were secretly thankful he was so patient and willing to move slowly, you knew absolutely nothing about each other and you knew nothing about being in any kind of relationship let alone a romantic one. Felix helped you with everything. You would have panic attacks from what you went through but also from the thought of how endlessly massive the world was outside of that attic. Felix taught you pressure points and tricks to ground yourself when you felt out of control. He enrolled you into some night courses so you could learn to read and write and helped you with flash cards and studying. From there you started taking math classes, history, and so on. Before long you were taking high school level classes and by the time you were twenty-three you had earned your GED all with Felix by your side cheering you on. He didn’t want you to be dependent on him in the world, he wanted you to feel independent, like you could do it on your own if you had to. You never would, Felix would always be there for you but he felt like it was important for you to be able to do things on your own. Felix was insanely proud of you and couldn’t believe how strong you were.

When you had moved into his place he insisted on you staying in a room of your own. You had never had a room of your own. Some nights it was hard to sleep on the soft bed and you’d curl up with your blanket on the floor. Mornings Felix found you like that broke his heart. He’d let you sleep in those days because it usually meant you hadn’t gotten much rest. You had lived with Felix for almost two years when you got your GED. In that time you guys had taken baby steps in your relationship. The first time you and Felix kissed it was because you kissed him. You could tell that he wanted to kiss you and you really wanted to kiss him so you leaned over on the couch while you watched tv together and pressed your lips against his. He’d been surprised at first but then kissed you back. You both had butterflies.

Felix walked into the apartment the two of you shared together now. He found you in the kitchen washing up some dishes. He walked over and kissed your cheek and you leaned into it, into his warmth.

“Sorry I’m so late.” You shook your head. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was he was home. He was home, your home. You turned and kissed him on the lips nibbling his bottom one, making him laugh.

“What’s gotten into you? Hmm?” You just shook your head and pecked his lips once more.

“Okay, whatever you say. I’m gonna shower, need the bathroom before?” You shook your head no.

“No Lixie, go enjoy your shower.” He cupped your cheek and you closed your eyes. The warmth was like how it felt when the sun warmed your cheeks on a spring day. When you opened your eyes again you found his endless brown eyes memorizing the flecks of colors in yours. He cupped your other cheek, leaned in and kissed you then pulled a breath away.

“I love you y/n.” Your eyes shot open. Neither of you had ever said the L word. You were certain that you felt it, at least you thought you did. When Felix said it though you knew, without a doubt that you loved him too. He saved you, took you in. Felix had done far more for you in two years than your grandfather ever did in fifteen. You could never repay him and he would never expect you to.

“I love you too Felix.” He smiled and bit his lip.

“Okay, shower.” You nodded smiling too and he ran off to take his shower. When Felix got out of the shower he wrapped his towel around himself and went to his room. He was surprised to find you sitting in there on his bed in your robe.

“Oh! Hey, uh... do you need something?” You didn’t say anything, you walked towards him and put your arms around his shoulders.

“Wha-” You kissed his lips cutting him off and he was more than a little surprised when your tongue started prodding asking for entry into his mouth. He turned his head and opened his mouth allowing you to kiss him deeper. You two had only ever made out two times and both times Felix made you stop not wanting to take things too fast. It had been two years and you were madly in love with this man. You didn’t want to wait any longer.

“Felix?” He hummed as you kissed down his jaw and neck.

“I want you...” He hummed again lost in the feeling of your lips on his skin.

“You want me to what?” He asked his brain only working at half capacity. You giggled.

“I want you to touch me.” He pulled back and looked at you before shaking his head.

“We don’t hav-” You cut him off.

“I want you to make love to me Felix, I want it. I know we don’t have to but I want to...” You started getting a little teary eyed.

“Don’t you?” Oh that broke Felix’s heart. He didn’t want you to think he didn’t want you. He’s wanted you since the moment he saw you.

“Of course jagiya of course! I just... I want you to be sure. You’re sure?” You nodded.

“Yes Felix I’m sure. You’re the man that saved me. My soulmate. I love you so much Felix.” He wrapped his arms around you.

“I love you too.” His lips were against yours and things got heated quickly, teeth biting, tongues battling for dominance that no one could win. You pulled the tie of your robe loose and dropped it, you were completely naked underneath. Felix had never seen you without clothes on. The scars left from the beatings your grandfather gave you were still very visible. Tears welled up in Felix’s eyes and you ran your fingers through his hair.

“It’s okay Lixie, it doesn’t hurt anymore.” He laid you back on his bed and started kissing every scar. Your body started tingling and it was throbbing between your legs, making you want to press them together. Felix hovered over your aching core.

“Is this okay?” You nodded biting your lip. You weren’t sure what he was going to do but you trusted Felix. He gently parted your legs and then licked you. You jumped not expecting the warm wet feeling of his tongue against you like that but it felt amazing.

“Oh!” He looked up to make sure you were still okay. You nodded and he continued. He softly flicked his tongue across your clit and it made your body buzz. You were getting a little breathy. You still had episodes with your breathing from time to time and Felix started to worry that maybe you were having one. He stopped and sat up a bit. You groaned at the loss of contact and looked down.

“Why’d you stop?” He just giggled once he realized you were okay and went back to savoring you slow and steady until you felt your impending orgasm crash into you. Your legs trembled as Felix continued to softly run his tongue through your glistening folds.

“F-Felix... oh... oh god.” You panted out. You gently pushed against his head, starting to get sensitive and Felix pulled away, climbing back up your body and kissing your lips. When he pulled away you let out a deep breath and started laughing from all the endorphins your orgasm had released.

“Wow! I didn’t know anything felt like that.” Felix smiled. He’d seen you have a lot of firsts but your first orgasm was a thing of beauty. He was so hard under his towel there was no way you didn’t notice. You ran your hands up and down his sides.

“Tell me how to do that for you.” Felix looked at you surprised.

“Are you sure?” You nodded. You wanted to make him feel what you just felt. It was earth shattering in the best ways. He took one of your hands and ran it down his firm body until you were cupping his hard cock over his towel. He let out a breath, even the slight contact felt amazing. He rolled off of you and laid back on the bed, the towel tented by his painfully hard dick. You sat up and kneeled between his legs like he’d done to you. You pulled at the tucked in part of the towel and let it fall open exposing Felix to you entirely. He was so beautiful, every piece of him, every inch, every freckle, every sparkle in his eye, gorgeous.

“Lick your palm and then wrap your fingers around it.” You did as Felix said and licked your palm, wetting it then grabbed a hold of his cock gently. He hissed a little and you were worried you had hurt him. He bit his lip and tilted his head back and you realized it wasn’t that it hurt it was that it felt good. Once he could lift his head again he told you what to do next.

“Move your hand up and down now...” You moved your hand slowly and he let out a low moan that made you throb between your legs again. You went with your gut, you leaned forward and licked him like he’d licked you.

“Oh god yes, do that again please...” You licked it again and again Felix hummed.

“Mmmyou can put it in your mouth... if you want, if not the licking and your hand is enough, it feels so good jagi.” If putting his dick in your mouth felt even better you were doing it. You wanted to make him feel as good as he made you feel, you wanted to make him cum. You put the tip in and softly sucked on it unsure of what else to do, but it was kind of like a popsicle so you treated it like one. The way Felix’s breath quickened you must have been doing it right. You pulled off and kept moving your hand up and down.

“Like that?” He nodded quickly.

“Yes! Oh fuck yes! Suck just like that and see if you can go down more.” You put his tip back in your mouth and fit more of him inside sucking.

“Yes y/n god that feels so good. Now just go up and down.” He gathered your hair so he could look down and see you as you started bobbing up and down. The more those little sounds came from Felix the more you wanted to push him to the edge. You went faster and took more of his cock, spit dripping down his shaft that you used to stroke what you couldn’t fit. Felix’s stomach sunk in and out with his deep breaths.

“I’m gonna cum y/n, just stroke me, I don’t want to cum in your mouth” You appreciated the warning, you weren’t sure if you were ready for all that just yet. You pulled off of him and stroked him faster.

“Pucker your lips and rub the tip on it jagiya.” You did what he said, stroking him as you rubbed the sensitive tip against your lips. He suddenly grabbed his dick and pulled it away from your face as he started coming. He moaned and panted as you ran your hands up and down his thighs while he stroked his cock and shook through his orgasm. When he was all together again, he took his towel and wiped the cum off his belly and hand and then tossed it in his dirty bin. Felix crawled back into bed over you again laying you back, smiling, glowing post orgasm.

“Baby that was...” You were blushing and smiling.

“It was okay?” He chuckled a little at just how sweet you were. The guys always thought he was so sweet, he had nothing on you.

“It was way more than okay jagi, that was amazing.” Your smile grew and you pulled him down for a kiss. You two made out like that for a bit and then Felix’s hand started to trace down your body.

“I’m gonna put my fingers inside you so that I don’t hurt you okay?” You nodded. Felix alternated between kissing you and sucking on your nipples as he eased his fingers into you and started to stretch you a bit. It felt strange, not painful, just different. You and Felix laid in bed and made out like that for a while. When Felix added teasing your clit to fingering you it suddenly felt really good. The wetter you got the harder Felix got and only once he made you cum again did he crawl between your legs, kneeling. His hands ran up and down your body as you came down from your second orgasm. Once Felix knew you were back with him he smiled and leaned down to kiss you.

“I’m gonna put it in but I won’t hurt you.” You nodded.

“You never have.” Felix kissed you tenderly.

“And I never will jagiya.” He slowly started to push his tip inside you. Once he had he stopped and let you get used to the feeling of something so big inside you. It didn’t hurt, kind of like when he first put his fingers inside you, it was different. After a minute he pushed in a little more. Slowly he pushed in and waited and pushed in and waited until he was fully inside you. You felt so full, it felt so good.

“Felix...” He looked down at you worried you may be in some discomfort. As soon as he saw your blissed out face any anxiety he was feeling about hurting you disappeared. He slowly pulled out and pushed in.

“Yes, yes, more please...” He did it again faster and again. He started a slow rhythm burying himself deep inside you every now and then. You could feel that rubber band in you stretching ready to snap again at any moment. You weren’t sure how long it lasted, you weren’t sure where your body started and Felix’s stopped, hell you weren’t even sure what day it was anymore, you just knew that the third orgasm you had that night was by far the best feeling of your entire existence. Felix started thrusting faster reaching for his climax, he could feel it.

“I’m g-gonna pull out, c-can I cum on you this time?” You moaned as you still shook through your orgasm.

“Yes Lixie, do it, cum on me.” Felix choked out a moan, he pulled out stroking his cock as he came. You could feel warm cum landing on your skin and it surprisingly felt really good. Once he took a second to get his bearings, he quickly grabbed his towel again and wiped his cum off of you. He tossed it in the bin again and this time when he got into bed with you, he pulled you close and pulled the blankets over you both. You turned in his arms and started tracing his freckles. He scrunched his nose, his deep laugh resonating inside you. You nuzzled up against Felix, his slow deep breaths pulling you to sleep. When you were somewhere between sleep and awake you softly spoke against his skin.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

Please do not repost or translate any of my works. My blog and stories are NSFW and 18+ ONLY! Minors, ageless, and blank blogs will be blocked!

@acciocriativity @caroline-ds-world @chansynie @ughbehavior @jquellen27 @jisuperboard @fixation-dump @lachinitaaaaa @rinrinndou @bangchans-angel @laylasbunbunny @owo-manii-uwu @armystay89 @b00dyguts @purplenimsicle @caticorn61 @lauraneuuh @channieandhisgoonsquad @minnysproutgriffinteddy @svintsandghosts @the-sweetest-rose @alice630 @3rachasninja @m0ri-apeuda @eastleighsblog @linoification @mlink64 @smally97 @fun-fanfics @chansducky10 @starfire21 @cessixja @siewoon

#stray kids smut #skz smut #lee felix smut #lee felix yongbok smut #yongbok smut #skz317cb97 #cal 🖤#skz317cb97 soulmate au series #tw: violence #tw: abuse

947 notes · View notes

eloeloanna · 4 months

Text

What did happen between John and Paul in India?

This was made for entertainment purposes only. Don’t sue me Paul (or Yoko (or Sean).

Check my readings! Did McLennon ever happened here What John thought about Paul here What Paul thought about John - part 1 here | part 2 here What happened between John and Paul in Paris here What John thought of Paul's appeareance here What Paul thought of John's appeareance here John's feelings + In my life + Paris' tea here Paul's feelings + Paris' tea here Was Paul jealous of Stuart? here Was John jealous of Tara? here Was Paul jealous of Cynthia? here Relationship - questions related to that topic here What happened between John and Paul in Keywest 1964 here George's pov here MORE here

Some notes:

Please don’t be dumb and harass the people mentioned in this interpretation. If you have the information - you have it, good. Enjoy their love in the fandom ❤️ do your fics, do your art.

I know that this is not everybody, but I feel we are dealing with very delicate matters.

It took me a lot of days doing this because I didn’t want to sound like a fic. I know many people have their theories, even myself! So that’s why I repeated some questions, and did it in different days. Also, I didn’t read the answers, so when something matches, it’s surprising even for me.

That’s all. Now, enjoy!

Answer 1:

What the cards are telling me at the beginning, is that this trip was made to do something about a relationship. It had been very difficult to try to continue, since there was a feeling that someone was very confident, opposed to someone very depressed. The depressed one didn’t know what to do anymore because he needed a sense of stability, security. He felt that this wasn’t enough, and even that the other one was mocking him, for his neediness. I think this person couldn’t see objectively at all what was happening, because, even If was part truth what he thought, the thing is, it wasn’t “that” big.

I think he tried for once to be really honest and just ask what was this all about. “Do you love me?”. I think the answer didn’t come immediately. And wasn’t even satisfying. I think the other part thought that he say it back, but he didn’t properly. So there was this part that thought that was being fooled, and the other one that thought that everything was okay. I think the “depressed” one thought something like “anyway, I knew this would happen”, and tried very hard to don’t have any feelings, and just “enjoyed” the trip. I think then is when he thought “I need to do something”. It was like that moment put him back in order to do new things. This was a decision for his own happiness. “I’m going to fall in love with her”. What are telling me the cards after is how he stuck with his decision, even if it wasn’t the best. The other part is showed at the end. Knowing that he can’t do anything about it.

Answer 2:

I think that at the beginning was a sensation of something not being complete. That some of them wanted more, that the relationship wasn’t balanced. He wanted to do something about it, but he couldn’t do it. “We have to left all bullshit aside, to have the relationship we really want” , to leave the imbalances behind, but I can’t face the truth. Even when the truth is very obvious. It’s difficult to face the truth when there are things that escape our control, and we know that this always is going to be like this. But even with those feelings, he decided anyways to say what he wanted, and thought that everything would be good. So he did it. But it was “good” for a short time. Then everything went to hell. It’s like all this closeness was virtual. Was this proposition reciprocated? Yes. Could be fulfilled? No. The thing is, this person felt tricked, and it was like “I have nothing to do here” “Is he even regretting his attitude?” “Well, I DON’T regret it what happened, but I did so much to receive nothing” “You never loved me” “I’m going to be happy. WITHOUT YOU. I don’t care. I will fight for it”. He didn’t care if he felt confused, or trapped, or whatever would happen. He would do what he needed to do.

Why John felt depressed before going to India?

I forgot to take a picture here…sorry!

I think John felt depressed because he could see clearly the future: he could see himself being happy, with love, with opportunities, but at the same time, his reality was heavy: he felt abandoned, incapable of doing things, and even betrayed. I think it was difficult for him to forget that “betrayal”, and tried to tell (Paul) what he thought. I think the answer was the same as before. “Everything is okay”. I think John eventually thought that this wasn’t enough. The relationship was imbalanced, Paul was being arrogant. It was very difficult to even think what to do, because in a way, he felt happy. I think he couldn’t see that Paul actually loved him.

Is the “betrayal” that John felt about Paul marrying Jane?

I think some of his depression was because of that event.

The cards start telling me about the feeling of not wanting to change anything, and even ignoring the signs: he thought that from the most part Paul wasn’t serious with Jane, but he saw how his attitude changed. He was more considerate and present in her life. I also think John intuitively knew that what Paul wanted. He wanted to construct something. Did John say or did anything about this? No. I think he just let those thoughts cold and tried to “enjoy” their time. “Everything is going to be alright”. Until eventually it wasn’t. He couldn’t stand the feeling of changing. It was like he was standing behind a door, but not wanting to open it. I think when Paul proposed to Jane, it wasn’t a “serious” commitment proposal. But in John’s head was a bigger issue. John was heartbroken. He thought that having somebody else would soft his feelings, but it didn’t.

It’s very weird, because, when I answered this question, for me it wasn’t like this was the “bigger” issue. Was an issue? Yes. But not the main one.

A lot of theories said that what “ruined” Paul and John’s relationship in India was sex. So I asked about that multiple times, because as I said, I didn’t want it to sound like a fan fiction.

Was India the first time they had something sexual?

I think yes.

The cards start telling about how much they wanted this to happen, but they couldn’t because they thought they needed to use their heads. After some time and reflection, they thought that what they had wasn’t enough, they wanted more. But the thing is, it had to pass a lot of time until they realised that wanting something more for the other, wasn’t wrong, after all, they loved each other, right? But the thing is, there was a fear of almost losing yourself in the other person. “What is he going to do with me?” When the opportunity occurred, it changed everything. There was a immediate feeling of guilty, also, it trigger their self-defenses (one was like “are you sure?”, the other was “yes, but we need to be careful”); I think at the beginning there was absolutely feelings of passion and satisfaction, but one of the parts knew it wasn’t real, it was something that was happening in like, a bubble. In the outside world, they would still be old John and Paul. I think that one of the parts couldn’t see clearly, was the love that the other had for him, or maybe, he saw it, but it was too much. Any of the options made the “loving” part heartbroken.

Did they had a sexual encounter before India?

Yes, but I would say it wasn’t that important as India. Why?

What the cards start telling is that there was a proposal to do something, but the other part wasn’t very sure. He thought that somebody could caught them, something bad could happen. But it isn’t like he didn’t like the idea. He liked the idea very much. There was suddenly a moment were they could do something, but it had to be very quickly, very secret. It wasn’t enough. They obviously wanted more, but how they could do that? There was an opportunity when everything they wanted happened, but also, they had to leave it. I think at that part, the cards are talking about India.

Did J and P have more sexual encounters?

Yes. I can’t know about how many times, but I found interesting, that the cards are telling me about a particular time.

What the cards are telling me at the beginning, is the desire that they felt, a desire that had to be controlled, no matter how much love they felt. I think one of them was very eager to have something, even very sure that he wanted it, but the other part told him that he needed to think more about these things, “you need to remember what we are/ we are just bandmates”, so the other part “regretted it”. It had to pass some time until another proposal came. I don’t know If it was the same person, but this time, the answer was something like “I don’t know about it, what is she going to say?”, but after some time agreed. They had their good time, but immediately overthought about the moment. The one of the proposal thought that this would fix everything, but It didn’t. So he felt like a fool, while the other thought that now HE had the power.

The one that did the proposal felt very depressed, because even when he liked what it happened, he also felt love for him. When this happened, the one that did the proposal decided to work on himself. Be happy (without him).

___

Others

What did John expect from Paul in India?

I think what John expected of Paul in India was some prove that this was actually “something”. What I mean is, that at the beginning of this trip, John have actually reflected about their relationship, and was very sure about what he felt. John thought a lot of how to talk to Paul about this. The thing is, the answer that he received wasn’t what he expected at all. He really thought that this trip would mean a new beginning.

What did Paul think that happened between him and John in India?

I think when John told him what he thought, Paul felt he received what he always wanted. But at the same time, it made him very unhappy. I think it has to be because of the (ALLEGED) internal homophobia that he felt, but it was very hard to say something, even when he felt the same. So he almost acted like nothing happened, but really tried to get any chance he could to be with John. Worst was when they did have a very good time, but he couldn’t say anything. He thought that, maybe being this close physically would be enough for John, but it wasn’t . He noticed that John was “weird”, but didn’t confront him about it. Paul felt miserable, because John didn’t seem to be interested anymore.

What did Paul think that would happen between him and John in India?

I forgot to take a picture here…sorry!

I think Paul just expected to renew the relationship, in a way that everything would be good. The current state of the relationship for him was difficult, but he didn’t know how to act. It was like everytime he tried to do something, he couldn’t. And when he tried, it was shit. So yeah, I don’t think Paul even expected what would happen 🥲.

How did Paul feel when John told him that he loved him?

I think at first, Paul thought that this was some kind of a cruel joke from the destiny. Because he liked what he experienced. But didn’t know what to do about it. He surely knew that he would never forget it.

In his mind was the happiness of knowing that he was loved, but also, didn’t act on it, since he knew he had to think about anything else. There was some promises he made, some rules to follow, things that would made his life “happier” and “easier”, but I also think there was fear, lots of fear to start something new, something so delicate and pure. I think he knew that this would be very difficult, and them, even when they could love each other so much, would never “normally” work. It would never be enough. But that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t try to do something, the thing is, it seems that was too late.

_________

I hope you like this one. I really tried to do it more “real”, even when a lot of these interpretations match with theories. I found it fascinating.

Thank you very much for your support ❤️

#mclennon #tarot readings #john and paul #India #now you know what however absurd is about #😭

55 notes · View notes

theindescribable1 · 3 months

Text

Getting Better!

Tw: A vent

. . . But with a happy ending!

((LONG LONG READ...eat some popcorn while you're reading. Idk, uhh enjoy? I cried writing this so it might be sad))

BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDINGGG!

The Bad Stuff:

If you've known me for a while, you'd know that I have been dealing with some rather intense depression and anxiety. I spent a good chunk of my young childhood feeling down and sad all day, I had trouble sleeping, I had issues. I kept all my feelings bottled up for years, it only made me feel angry and I was rude to people I loved. I spent most of my days alone in my room, never wanting to be around my family. I think my depression started getting worse when I was 8 or so? My sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she had cancer. I thought she'd die, I was so scared and in so much sorrow. My parents brushed my aside for a few years while my sister battled cancer. I wasn't really a main priority, I felt like I didn't matter anymore. Everything started to be all about my sister, I felt more alone then ever. My parents spent all day with my sister, treating me almost like I didn't matter for the time being. After my sister successfully beat Cancer, it felt like things were never fair for me. She never got in trouble, I always got the blame for things, she never really had to work or do any chores, but I did. It all just felt like favoritism. It made me feel less loved, less respected, and I just couldn't tell my parents how I was feeling. I felt a hate towards my parents, they didn't find ways to praise me, or give me a simple "good job" I just wanted some slight praise, someone to tell me I'm doing good. It seemed as if my parents never cared for the good I did, but they cared when I got something wrong. They scolded me for doing something wrong, it made me feel as if I had to be perfect, as if I couldn't make a single mistake. I believed that I didn't matter to them, I believed that no one would miss me when I'm gone. That's when the suicidal thoughts came in, I would think to myself; "I am unloved, what's the point of even trying? Carrying on in a world where I just don't matter.." And I would see myself committing acts of suicide, I thought about what would happen. What just made things worse was how hard I found it to make friends, it seemed like no one gave me a chance. Every school I went to, I was always made the subject of fun. I never did anything to deserve it! I did nothing wrong! Why was it always me? Why did everybody just naturally hate me? I was left out if every single friend group, I was never included in projects, I never had a partner to work with, I was always the last one picked to be in a team, everyone always just treated me like dirt. I just wanted to die, for so long I just wanted to leave this unfair and cruel planet. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I was always so stressed, lonely, keeping everything bottled up, telling everyone that I was ok. Keeping everything to myself just gave me headaches, anxiety, stress, anger, and I just couldn't keep my anger to myself. It was becoming more and more difficult. School has always been so difficult for me, bullies, crappy teachers, and I never understood what they were teaching. The entire class was always ahead of me, I never knew how to do anything! I felt so stupid and I had no one to ask for help, I procrastinated every single thing... so many thoughts ran through my head; "I'm so stupid. I'm a loser. No one loves me. I have no friends. Everyone just hates me. Why me why me why me? I just don't want to be here anymore..." All my life up to now, I have always been brushed aside and left with my fake smile. I tried to talk to my parents about what is happening with me, but the first time I tried my mom said; "You don't have depression. You really don't! Just because you feel sad ONCE doesn't mean you're depressed! Look at all that you have! You have nothing to be sad about." It doesn't matter what I have, it matters how I feel! I felt sad and lonely all the time, all day, all night. I was scared to tell my parents again because I just thought they'd brush it aside as me just being "dramatic" and on top off aaaalll of this, my grandpa died and it caused lots of pain.

Things Start Getting Brighter:

I was at a doctor's appointment when I decided that I'd try again... I explained everything to my mom and she started to cry and gave me a big hug. She told me that she'll sign me up for a therapist! That's when I saw hope, a light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I thought to myself; "I'll get better...I'm going to be healed. I'm going to be ok. I'm finally help." After that day, my family started spending time with me, they came into my room more and gave me love. I felt happier, but still not cured- eventually I went in to the first session of counseling! My dad sat next to me for the first couple minutes while the counselor talked to him, I heard him say at one point that he was proud of me, and I couldn't hold back tears. Its because I don't hear those words much...I feel as if no one ever tells me that they are proud of me. . After my dad left, I immediately started to blurt out EVERYTHING. I just went off telling the counselor all the past things, I burst out into tears. I let everything out of the bottle. She could almost immediately diagnose me with some rather intense depression. She gave me advice, things to do, and since then I got a bit better..

So Close To Happiness:

I started to work on loving myself, treating myself to good things! I talked to myself positively! Then I decided I should restore bonds with my family but starting some family game nights and movie nights! Me and my family would play some games together on Wednesday, and movies on Friday! As of right now, I'm in a D & D campaign with my family, uncle, and my uncle's friend! Its going great so far, I'm having fun! I'm getting much closer to my family, I feel loved! I feel appreciated! My family plain as day care about me. I love them, they love me. And I started socializing more, I talked to more people, made a friend group, and I began to hang out with more family outside of my main family of 4. I talked to my cousins more often and got much closer to Carol! I had an online friend who I liked to call Goblin, and we decided to meet in real life. Once they gave me their address, I realized. . .We're neighbors!!!?? We lived in the same neighborhood, so I ran over to their house and they ran out the door, we greeted each other in a fit of laughter. We were online friends for 2 or so years and never knew we were 3 or so minutes away from each other! They are also know as The GGT is that's familiar to you! I was less of an introvert, I had more fun, more friends, many more happy memories! Oh and it got great when I got a lil app called Tumblr. I socialized even more and started getting to doing art! I had a goal, to be popular, to ve somebody of slight importance... well I've just got to say. . Thank you for over 700 followers! I love you all so much and you made my dreams come true! You are all my motivation, my reason to keep on going, my great friends! All of youuuu! I love you all so much! And to this day, I haven't felt really sad, alone, unhappy, I haven't thought about ending my life, in fact...I WANT to live, I want to keep on waking up. I want to continue to see the sun everyday, I want to continue on! I don't want to leave, life is beautiful to me now, I see the good in it all, I know that God has good plans for me, and I will wait for paradise, not skip right to it. I want to live every second of my life, I want to continue to love, laugh, smile, and be will those who love me. I want to accomplish my dreams, to have a good life with many memories.

I love you all, and if you are dealing with some bad things, just remember that there is always someone to talk to, to love you, to understand you.. And I'm one of those! You can talk to me, I'll understand you, and I will always do whatever I can to help you. Live your life, its beautiful...I used to see it has painful, lonely, unfair, dark, and depressing...but truly it isn't. Life is beautiful, and so are all of you.

Stay alive, I love you. I love you all.

#Vent #happy ending #Getting better #i love you all #stay alive #you matter #you are all so beautiful #overcoming trauma #overcoming depression

38 notes · View notes

mins-fins · 9 months

Text

DISPIRITED (S.HB)

SUMMARY . . . for sim y/n, the most ironic thing is telling a speech at the wedding of his first ever love, watching as he gets happily married to someone else, oblivious to all the pain he's caused in the process.

PAIRING . . . sung hanbin x male!reader, mentions of sung hanbin x fem!oc

GENRE . . . angst, simply angst

WARNINGS . . . none! just sad really

WORD COUNT . . 4.4k (so sorry)

NOTES . . . had an epiphany at midnight, so take this angst my friends! #sorrysunghanbin. the past is written in italics just so you know!

"you are a fucking idiot, you know that?"

the blatant and brutally honest statement from jongwoo makes y/n suck his teeth, slamming the door to the fridge as his eyes flick over to the yoon. the words are completely true, and everyone in the room, including y/n, knows that, but he wants to stay firm in his denial.

"are you just gonna insult me the whole time or.. i don't know, give me advice?" y/n sassily replies, and jongwoo scoffs, rolling his eyes.

"y/n, hanbin asked you to be his best man and you said yes!?" he immediately exclaims, and the volume of his voice makes y/n lightly flinch.

"your setting yourself up for heartbreak".

"well that's already been the past few years of my life so it's nothing new".

park hanbin snickers, and then he scoffs with a sudden change of attitude. "this is so funny, but also very depressing".

"y/n" keita starts, eyes shifting around the room. "i love you and all, but your setting yourself up for failure here, your watching the man you love get married! and your gonna give a speech at his wedding!?"

"yep" y/n replies, popping the 'p'.

hanbin props his arms up onto the counter, staring at his long time friend. "you know you don't have to do this if you don't want to, y/n, seriously".

"you guys hanbin is my best friend why wouldn't i wanna be his best man?"

"your gonna hurt yourself.." keita sighs. "how long have you liked hanbin, y/n? for like— ever, i don't want you to just watch and be sad".

"i'll be fine guys!" y/n very clearly lies, he throws his hands into the air like an idiot. "i'll get over it! it's not impossible to hide my feelings! and plus, i'm not about to make hanbin's wedding about me".

hanbin narrows his eyes, clearly not buying it. jongwoo simply scoffs, rolling his eyes, and keita sighs, wanting to say something more but not wanting to get into an argument with y/n.

y/n picks his nails, biting his inner cheek.

"what if she doesn't like me? and then i look like an idiot trying to ask her out?"

the seventeen year old sung hanbin paces back and forth, biting his nails anxiously as he begins rambling about his crush on a certain girl and how he's contemplating on just giving up and not telling her his feelings at all.

"your sung hanbin?" matthew responds in a questioning manner. "why would she reject you? everybody wants to date you!"

"right, you dumbass.." zhang hao mutters, he ignores hanbin's glare and scoff, crossing his arms as he watches him continue to pace back and forth while contemplating what to do about his crush.

as hanbin continues to pace, matthew rolls his eyes and zhang hao turns his head to the door, hearing it open. in walks y/n, holding a box as he closes the door with his foot.

y/n pauses, squinting as he watches hanbin pace back and forth. he puts down the box and dusts off his jeans. "what the hell is hanbin doing? why is he mumbling?"

"hanbin is being an idiot, as always".

"i'm not! i just—" hanbin pauses as he stares at y/n, who just raises an eyebrow. "i don't know.. it's complicated!"

"hanbin likes eunji and he's too afraid to tell her he likes her even though he's literally like, what? the one guy everyone wants to date, he's acting like it's a big deal but eunji's probably gonna say yes anyway and the next thing you know they're married with kids!"

y/n takes in the words zhang hao just said, doing his best to process them and piece them together in his mind.

hanbin has a crush on eunji..

hanbin has a crush on eunji?

y/n's stomach drops, and he sucks in a breath. yeah, he doesn't have a chance, of course hanbin likes eunji. she's pretty, smart, has a good sense of humor.

his crush is stupid, of course it doesn't matter; not that hanbin cares anyway. he's hanbin's best friend, nothing more, nothing less, at least not in hanbin's mind.

what made him think he really ever did have a chance?

y/n snaps out of his own thoughts and simply laughs, a fake one, but no one had to know that. "um.. just ask her out? your sung hanbin, it can't be that hard".

"why does everyone say that!?" hanbin groans, flopping down onto the couch before him. "what does that even mean?"

"it means she won't reject you, stupid" zhang hao states rather bluntly. "you guys both like each other, go for it".

matthew's eyes shift to y/n, and he can tell how it's hurting y/n to listen to this conversation, but he's keeping up a smile because it's his best friend.

a best friend he's in love with but that's out of the question.

how long has y/n liked hanbin? it seems like forever. where did it even begin? he could give you maybe two answers, that one time the two of them slept in the same bed during a sleepover in middle school, or that other time in middle school when they kissed!

trust and believe, y/n tried his best to get over hanbin.

he can never truly do it though.

because hanbin is just.. hanbin. he's so stupid with his pretty smile, and his pretty eyes, and his pretty voice, and how sweet he is, in such a natural way too.

every time he tries to get over him, hanbin comes back and gives him another reason for y/n to fall in love with him. in all honesty, it's like he's stuck in a loop.

and it's fucking stupid.

he hates it.

but he loves hanbin.

y/n's eyes flicker back up to the scene before him and hanbin is still mumbling and pacing back and forth. zhang hao just giggles at his display, and matthew gives him a look of sympathy.

"yeah um.. you guys keep discussing that i'm just gonna go".

y/n didn't really have anything he needed to do, he just really wanted to leave the room, and get away from anything pertaining to hanbin and eunji.

or just anything pertaining to hanbin in general.

"you want me to teach you how to what?"

hanbin paces back and forth, reminding y/n of a memory he'd much like to stay in the past. the younger groans, covering his face with his hands in an embarrassed way. "y/n! i agreed with eunji that we would waltz and i don't know how to waltz!"

"you don't know how to waltz? then why'd you agree to waltzing!?"

"because— because this wedding needs to be the perfect one! i want to make my fiancée happy!"

y/n feels a stab to his heart at the word fiancée, but this is what hanbin wants.

stop being so selfish, y/n! hanbin's getting married, your feelings don't matter here!

y/n punches himself in the head, and looks back up to hanbin, whose still stressing about the fucking waltz. "okay fine, hanbin, i'll teach you how to waltz, again".

"what do you mean, again?"

"remember when we were thirteen and you begged me to teach you the waltz so you could dance it with hao hyung at prom?"

hanbin gasps, smiling brightly. "oh yeah! my mom was so impressed!" he seems so giddy thinking about his past.

y/n wishes he could relate.

he sighs, standing up, and pulling hanbin by his arm. hanbin lets out a small squeak, tripping on his own feet and almost falling on his face. y/n was there to catch him, helping him up onto his feet.

"are you trying to kill me?"

"come on hanbin, be smart!"

hanbin gives his best friend a playful glare, and y/n laughs at his expression.

"okay so for the starting position" y/n begins, taking hanbin's hand. "your gonna put this hand on my shoulder, and this hand on my waist".

y/n tries his best to not melt when hanbin obeys his orders, sliding his non-dominant hand down to y/n's waist, whilst he places the other on his shoulder. he looks up and the two of them hold eye contact for what seems to be forever.

y/n doesn't want to blink, in an almost stupid way, it's like he wants to persevere this moment, to just have this continue..

he doesn't want to be reminded of the actual reality, that hanbin isn't his and that he never actually did tell him what he felt, that hanbin is getting married to someone far prettier, smarter, and much more pleasant than him.

because if he's being honest, all it does is make him want to collapse onto the floor and cry.

"okay so" y/n clears his throat. "when it comes to the waltz, footwork is usually the main focus, so if you can just move your feet correctly and on beat than you'll have no problem".

hanbin's eyes shift around the room. "okay, so, we just have to move at the same time, on beat?"

"you have to make sure you remain consistent with the moves as well".

hanbin looks up, his eyes shining as he stares at y/n. he swears he feels his legs about to give in with the way hanbin is looking at him, but he clears his throat and shakes his head.

y/n steps forward first and hanbin is too slow, so he accidentally steps on his foot. "ow! y/n!" he winces, shutting his eyes.

"were supposed to step at the same time!"

"you didn't give me a cue!"

"what cue you dumbass!?"

hanbin sucks his teeth, a pout coming to his face. y/n shakes his head, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. how could he ever remain mad at hanbin?

"okay, on three, we step at the same time, and we'll go from there".

hanbin thinks, then he nods, giving him that same smile he loves so much.

1.. 2.. 3

y/n and hanbin step at the same time, and hanbin makes a sound of excitement when he finally gets the move right. after a few minutes of accidentally stepping on each other's feet, the two of them begin to get the hang of it.

hanbin is a fast learner, evidently, he won't have any problem waltzing with eunji. y/n was way too into this to even think about reality at this point, this waltz took him back to the good memories he has. memories of teaching hanbin how to waltz when they were in the eighth grade, seeing his look of excitement upon hearing that y/n knew how to waltz.

y/n smiles as they dance together, but the only thing keeping him smiling are the memories he has from before. thinking about everything now, how he's agreed to being hanbin's best man even with the feelings he's hidden from him for who knows how long.

it's depressing to y/n how even with all of the heartbreak he's gonna experience from this, he's still gonna do it. for the sake of hanbin and eunji, for the sake of his best friend.

he doesn't deserve hanbin, he never did deserve hanbin. yes eunji's lucky, but she deserves good things, she's not a bad person.

the jealousy bubbling up inside him is maddening.

when they finally do stop dancing, y/n is no longer smiling, hanbin seems happy, and he has to try his best to put up a fake front. "oh my god! i think i might be getting a little dizzy.."

"it was just spinning, hanbin".

"spinning like, thousands of times".

y/n snickers at the complaint from hanbin, trying his best to ignore how hurt he feels about the way his mind is hurting him, how his own thoughts are seemingly playing against him.

"y/n?" hanbin calls out, the sound of footsteps approaching meet y/n's ears.

"yeah—"

y/n pauses, when he turns around hanbin is right in front of him, so close that y/n could see all of his features so clearly. he takes in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but the moment hanbin smiled, y/n closes his eyes.

"thank you" hanbin says, completely oblivious to the way he's affecting y/n, the way he's always affected y/n. he takes his hands, looking down. "for not just teaching me how to waltz, but for everything, everything you've done for me".

everything i've done for you..

"it's nothing really" y/n responds, his voice probably sounding airy because hanbin is holding his hands. "your my best friend, and i love you".

he loves hanbin.

he loves him.

maybe not in the context he thinks, but he does love him.

really.

"what are you doing out here, y/n?"

sitting on the curb in front of hanbin's house, y/n sighed as he rolls his eyes. hanbin sits beside his best friend, a light cold breeze brushing past them, y/n's hair moving in the wind. "because.."

y/n mutters something under his breath, and hanbin raises an eyebrow, though he sighs. "i heard you plan on not going to the formal".

"who told you?"

"matthew".

y/n bites his inner cheek, turning away from hanbin as his eyes cast down towards the floor. "y/n? did something happen?"

nope! just had the horrible realization that i can never be with you even with how much i love you! because you don't love me back! and you won't ever love me back!

"nope, just don't feel like going".

"why not?"

"you ask too many questions".

y/n snaps much more aggressively then hanbin expected, and he must notice, because his shoulders slump and he sighs. "sorry, it's just.. there's a lot going on at home right now".

"ah" hanbin stretches his legs, they're touching the street, but he doesn't seem to be the slightest bit worried. "sorry".

"it's alright.."

hanbin stared at y/n, admiring his side profile. another cold breeze passes, and hanbin lightly shivers before speaking up once again. "y/n, i'm not going if you don't wanna go".

"please don't start, hanbin".

"i— i can't go without you! your my best friend, you've been my best friend since like.. forever! we've never not done anything together!"

"yeah but.. it's just, yeah, not my thing".

hanbin knows thats a bold faced lie, because y/n mentioned many times even at the beginning of the school year that he was preparing for the formal before the formal was even announced, that he'd designed and begin sewing his own outfit already.

"we can go together".

y/n chokes on his spit.

"what?"

"you know, like what some friends do" hanbin explains, and y/n's face drops, of course. "y/n you've been talking about this forever! i'm not gonna go without you".

"hanbin.."

"come on y/n, please?"

y/n desperately wants to disagree just to be stubborn, but the way hanbin is looking at him, that gaze that he knows y/n can't resist. "i— ugh fine".

hanbin hums in delight, moving closer to wrap his arms around y/n, pressing the two of them together. "aww your so cute y/n! you just can't resist me can you?"

"oh my god let go of me".

y/n hopes his act was bought.

"you're so tense y/n, jesus".

"and you're not helping, matthew".

park hanbin sighs, rubbing y/n's shoulders as a way to calm him down. "stop thinking so hard y/n, it's all gonna be fine" he says, hoping that he can somehow make all of y/n's worries simply wash away.

and while y/n wishes that was the case, it doesn't work. "god i've been rehearsing my speech all week, the words are literally burned into my brain".

"okay you need to stop stressing out".

"i can't not stress out!" y/n snaps at zhang hao, very clearly stressed out. his hands feel clammy, and he begins cracking his knuckles as a sort of coping mechanism. "i'm.. oh god! what if i mess up!"

"y/n" hanbin calls out, his voice soft and low. "your stressing out more than hanbin, and he's the one getting married".

"ugh you don't have to remind me!" he squeals. realizing he sounds.. well— unhinged, y/n takes a deep breath, counting to ten in his head with his eyes closed before opening them again. "okay.. i can do this, it can't be that hard, i'm over him".

y/n believes lying to himself will help cushion whatever pain he knows he's about to feel going through this wedding.

it's like y/n blinks, and in two minutes, everything has already gone by. he believes he disassociated out during all of that, that he was there but not really there, per se.

the one thing he does know, though, is that he somehow avoided hanbin the whole time. y/n has absolutely no idea how he did it, because he is the best man after all, it makes no sense.

y/n is glad he was able to avoid hanbin, though, because he's sure he would've burst into tears if hanbin even so much as looked at him with those pretty pretty eyes of his.

and as he sits at the table, looking at the glass of alcohol in front of him, his stomach seems to be dropping further and further. okay y/n, you can do this, you practiced your speech for a week.

so, with his stomach feeling empty and his throat burning. y/n stands up, picking up the glass in front of him as the words leave his lips; "i would like to raise a toast".

y/n sucks in a breath as everyone else stands up, as everyone else immediately turns to him, giving him all of their attention. "it's really crazy, how hao hyung predicted all of this, though i know matthew remains pissed off that he owed him twenty dollars".

a few small laughs ring through the crowd, but the anxiousness doesn't leave y/n. "i'm y/n, i've pretty much known hanbin since forever, we grew up in the same neighborhood and always did everything together.."

y/n's mind races, and his eyes shift around. "it's really an honor to be here, watching my best friend get married, and to be chosen as his best man as well, is something i've really always dreamt of".

y/n's voice sounds so artificial that he wants to grimace at his own tone, but he keeps up his front, cursing in his mind. "i remember it like it was yesterday.. hanbin was freaking out thinking eunji would reject him, we all knew they were meant to be, and it's so beautiful to see this moment in person".

y/n laughs. artificial, dumbass. "congratulations to both hanbin and eunji, for their relationship, their love, and the amazing things they have achieved. i wish them nothing but prosperity and good fortune in the future".

the burning feeling in his throat increases, and y/n closes his eyes before giving the fakest smile he thinks he's ever given. "cheers everyone! to sung hanbin and jeon eunji!"

and just like that, it's over, and then everyone goes back to talking, laughing, their attention finally off y/n.

to say he's overwhelmed is an understatement, it's a miracle he didn't cry right then and there, not like anyone would recognize the true intention behind his tears anyway.

y/n fixates onto the floor, not wanting to look up as he's afraid of seeing hanbin, seeing him happy, oblivious to all the pain he's caused him these past few years.

"y/n" he snaps up, meeting the sympathetic gaze of keita. "everything okay? your zoning out there" he points out, and y/n nods, the burning sensation in his throat pretty much hurting him at this point.

"i just um.." he pauses, taking yet another deep breath. "there's just a lot of people in this room, it kind of overwhelms me".

your a fucking idiot, y/n. your at a wedding, of course there's a bunch of people here. why do your feelings even matter here? it's your fault for never telling hanbin how you feel..

"i need air.."

y/n smiles at keita, before he stands up and walks out of the venue, quickly making his way outside. whilst having a conversation, hanbin's eyes drift towards him, watching as he walked out.

where are you going y/n?

"you're way too genuine, lover boy".

hanbin gasps, staring at his best friend like he just said the most offensive thing ever. he stares at y/n fondly and shoves his hands into his pockets, a breeze blowing by and moving y/n's hair. "shut up, i'm being nice".

"walking me home, hanbin?" y/n inquires, a small smile graces his features as he chuckles, shaking his head at hanbin. "such a gentlemen you are".

"fuck you, y/n".

"don't say that to your bestest friend ever, hanbin!"

hanbin pouts, and y/n giggles once again, singing a shinee song to himself. "anyway, i really do appreciate you walking me home, you make me feel special, you know?"

"you.. are" hanbin pauses in his sentence, but he smiles as soon as he speaks those words. "don't mean to be cheesy or anything.."

"you do sound cheesy" but y/n's heart does skip a beat, fuck hanbin and his sweet words, he always seems to know what affects y/n the most. "dumbass".

screw him.. really.

"don't call me a dumbass, dumbass".

"what would your mom say if she heard you saying such things to me?"

hanbin gasps, moving y/n's way to nudge him by the shoulder. y/n grunts, giggling as he nudges him back, pushing him with much more force.

"don't push me, y/n!"

"you pushed first! stupid!"

"your stupid! stupid!"

hanbin looks up with a mischievous grin, and then he moves towards y/n again, pushing even harder with his shoulder. y/n stumbles and grabs hanbin's sleeve to make sure he doesn't fall, hanbin squeals and stumbles his way, almost taking the two of them down.

"idiot! are you trying to get us killed?"

"you started it!"

hanbin pouts, lightly pushing y/n again. "why'd i even agree to walk you home? your just here torturing me" he says playfully, pushing y/n forward.

"but you love me".

"yeah, sure y/n".

"you do! you just won't admit it!"

"have you seen y/n?"

hanbin asks for what seems like the nth time that minute, biting his inner cheek. park hanbin's eyes shift around the room, and he shakes his head. "nope, haven't seen him since the toast".

hanbin sighs in an almost defeated manner, but then keita speaks up; "he left".

his eyes widen. "what!?"

keita's face goes blank for a second, and he quickly reiterates. "no! not like left left, he just went out to get some air, he's just outside".

"oh okay" hanbin let's out a sigh of relief. "thank you" he says softly, smiling at his friends before exiting the venue, his head whipping around as he searches for y/n's familiar silhouette.

he doesn't have to search for long, though, since y/n is the only person outside, and simply because hanbin has gotten so used to identifying him in a crowd, he could practically point him out anywhere.

"hey stupid" y/n jumps when hanbin's hand lands on his shoulder. he relaxes for a moment, but only for a moment, because his shoulders remain tense. "i was looking for you everywhere, i thought you were gone".

"oh.. sorry" y/n smiles, but it quickly fades as hanbin sits beside him. "i just needed some fresh air, i can't be cooped up inside for too long".

y/n scratches his hand, hoping he can pretend that everything's okay that hanbin doesn't inquire about what's going on.

but its sung hanbin, of course he notices.

"is something bothering you?" hanbin asks, eyes falling to y/n's hands, which are reddening from how much faster he's scratching them now. "y/n, are you gonna give me answer?"

"i'm fine, hanbin" y/n smiles, but hanbin doesn't buy it, god screw him and his attentiveness. "why are you looking at me like that?"

"your lying".

"i'm not".

"you are".

"i'm not".

hanbin is really testing whatever remaining patience y/n has left, but instead of continuing with this banter, he sighs, reaching out to take y/n's hand, lacing it together with his.

as soon as their hands connect, y/n feels the cold metal of hanbin's wedding ring against his fingers, and the unpleasant reality dawns on him once again.

hanbin will never be his, hanbin will never reciprocate his feelings, or love him back, or see him as more than a best friend, as someone who he feels only platonic feelings for and nothing more.

y/n has spent so much of his time pining, thinking these useless things, creating fantasies in his head like any of them would actually happen in real life.

the truth is, sung hanbin would never love sim y/n back, he'd never see him as more than a friend.

but coming to terms with it so closely, with hanbin right in front of him, those pretty pretty eyes staring at him, makes y/n feel as if his whole world has crumbled right before his eyes.

unconsciously, he squeezes hanbin's hand, much to the surprise of the other.

"hanbin i.." he pauses for a moment, the word seeming to drag on forever. he doesn't know what to say, or what he should say, or what he should do, his mind feels empty in the moment.

"i love you".

the words have such a different meaning than what hanbin might think. y/n is conveying a much different point than presented to hanbin, his viewpoint is much more different than hanbin's, and it's clear by the way he reacts.

"i love you too, i always have".

yeah, you always have, but not like how i always have, you don't love me like how i love you.

y/n looks down to the floor, squeezing hanbin's hand once again.

"yeah, of course".

at that point in time, those words no longer conveyed any meaning to sim y/n anymore.

#sung hanbin x reader #zerobaseone #zb1 #zerobaseone sung hanbin #zb1 sung hanbin #zerobaseone hanbin #zb1 hanbin #zb1 imagines #zb1 drabbles #zb1 scenarios #𑁍 ࣪˖ 𓂃 isa's works!

90 notes · View notes

astrronomemes · 9 months

Text

THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER: STARTERS

a collection of quotes, phrases, and sayings from the 2012 film, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. change & alter as needed.

"I just need to know that people like you exist."

"My name is [name]. You call me [name], or you call me nothing."

"They say if you make one friend on your first day, you're doing okay."

"If my English teacher is the only friend I make today, that would be sort of depressing."

"If my parents ask me about it, I probably won't tell them the truth, because I don't want them to worry that I might get bad again."

"I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

"He's still trying to shag that waitress from Olive Garden."

"This is [name]'s first party ever, so I expect nice, meaningful, heartfelt blow jobs from both of you."

"I'm really sorry. That sounded like a compliment in my head."

"[Name], you have such pretty [color] eyes. The kind of pretty that deserves to make a big deal about itself. You know what I mean?"

"I'm sorry I haven't written for a while, but I've been trying hard not to be a loser."

"She also steals jeans from the mall. I don't know why, because her family is rich, but I'm trying not to be judgmental."

"Don't make yourself small. You can't save anybody."

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

"Look at you in that suit. You're like a sexy English schoolboy."

"I just want to make sure that the first person who kisses you loves you. Okay?"

"I have to congratulate you for being happy, because you deserve it."

"[Name], do you ever think that if people knew how crazy you really were, no one would ever talk to you?"

"You see, [name] is a really nice person under the part of her that hates everyone."

"If you touch my friends again, I'll blind you."

"Oh, my god, my life is officially an after-school special. Son of a bitch!"

"You're the best teacher I've ever had."

"Pretty soon, you'll have a whole new group of friends, and you won't even think about this place anymore."

"I just want you to be happy."

"You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love."

"We can't choose where we come from, but we can choose where we go from there."

"You're not a sad story. You are alive."

#rp meme #roleplay meme #rp starters #roleplay starters #dialogue prompts #rp prompts #roleplay prompts #rp memes #roleplay memes #sentence memes #sentence prompts #sentence starters

88 notes · View notes

v3nusxsky · 11 months

Note

As requested I moved it over here, from the piece with Emilybactually dying. This could be a part two or a stand alone piece. Fully up to you.

Using the idea of Emily going into hiding in season 5-6, and how that would effect her wife in this case. Then with Emily returning either sooner and dealling with the aftermath of a suicide or an attempted one. With JJ likley having to reveal the news to Emily. Hopfully we go down the attempted route (so it can be angst with a happy end) , it could involve Y/n joining Emily in Paris. That could be interesting to play out.

Can't live without you

*Authors note~ a part two for my people who wish to feel the angst and more of me writing while in the car*

Trigger Warnings~ angsty mentions of "death"suicide

Prompt~ see ask^^^^^

The muffled voices and irritating beeping was agitating you. If this was heaven then you'd rather deal with the devil, perhaps it would be less annoying there. You want to find your Emily but the with everything being black it was hard to do so. Yet you felt a pull, preventing you from surrendering to the darkness, dragging you back to the land of the living. That's where your bleary eyes caught sight of white walls and blonde hair, the voice of your best friend, JJ pleading with you to come back now.

You gave her hand a little squeeze to indicate your unsuccessful attempt. "Water?" You managed to croak out gaining the blonde's attention. After she gave you some water so you didn't feel quite so horrid now. "Why" JJ whimpered and you knew exactly what she was referring too. "Jay I can't live without her" you sobbed finally breaking down in the hospital bed as the fact you'd have to live on without your Emily sunk in.

That was four months ago, you hadn't progressed much since then, your depression only dragging you in deeper to its lonely pits of misery. That's why Hotch sent JJ on a case overseas, her work as communications liaison made her the only suitable agent for the case. Paris was her destination but she knew why she was here and truthfully it scared her more than any case could. It was too soon for one, bringing Emily back created an air of danger but also keeping you apart wasn't something that could continue any longer.

They met in a cafe, ironically the cafe that was where the blonde handed over the fake id for her. But now you were the topic of conversation. Emily wanted to know everything about everybody, she missed her family so much. A few peoples stories broke her heart, like morgans and Reid and of course she knew Garcia would have Serigo. But yours? Well she felt worse than when she coded in the ambulance. You'd actually tried to take your life by her grave. The story similar to Romeo and Juliet.

JJ knew there was no keeping Emily in Paris after delivering that news but what she wasn't expecting was for her to be scared. Truth was, she'd changed so much with her near death experience and what if you felt differently about her now. What if the team resented her for almost dying? Could Derek ever forgive her? But little did Emily know JJ was feeling similar. She didn't want to deal with the team hating her for keeping such a secret. It wasn't as if she had a choice and you were so broken by this that she was sure you'd never forgive her now.

The plane ride was silent, both women in thought when Hotch phoned. The plan changed, Doyle made an escape and therefore it was deemed no longer safe for Emily or you. Yes Doyle wanted you too. After all you managed to settle down with Emily where he failed. So the team needed to be smart about this. Another death would be too suspicious so the only sensible option was for you and Emily to flee the country again. But first the team would be told this time so it wouldn't be so bad in the fallout.

Being called to the round table meant one thing. A case. And truly you didn't have the energy for another right now. You wanted to go home to your bed where Emily's jumper lay and wallow. It was the only time you felt close to her since her tragic death. Her clothes, even though they no longer smell like her, but they were all you had left and there was no way you'd even be here after your multiple attempts to end your life without them. Every time one of the team caught you they would hand over one of her shirts or hoodies and hold you while you cried in ver how unfair this is.

"As you all know, Doyle is after y/n. We decided on a protective measure for you however I made a decision four months ago that effected all of you. It was necessary and I take the full responsibility" Hotch stated in his usual way of giving absolutely nothing away. Nothing made since until you heard "hi sweetheart" in a voice that could only be hers. No amount of artificial intelligence could clone her. "Em?" You gasped shell shocked to see your love by the blonde, frozen stiff as if it was a dream you'd awaken from any second now. You'd had them before, ones where you saw her and heard her but couldn't touch her anymore.

When it hit you it hit hard, you ran up to Hotch and started to weakly hit against his chest, "you lied! You fucking lied!" You sobbed out before weakly collapsing against the floor crying uncontrollably. You missed her so much, grieving her death only for it to be fake. That much was proved when the raven head had hugged and apologised to everyone and finally made her way to you, scooping you off the ground and holding you in the way she would when you had a panic attack. "Shh sweetheart I know. I know, I missed you so much Angel. But I really need you to listen to the plan okay?" She murmured to you kissing your head as her body rocked soothingly back and forth.

"No! No you can't leave me! No not again. No!" You volume raising the more that sunk in, "I just got you back" you whimpered causing JJ to come closer in an attempt to comfort you. "Get the fuck away from me!" You almost growled, "I can't stand you right now" you spat at the blonde and Hotch before snuggling into your undead lover. Hotch explained the plan and reasons why and again apologised for having to lie but it was for Emily's safety. This time you would leave with Emily, for your safety and hers. When the team caught Doyle you could return home to your family. But for now you and Emily were shipped off to Paris once more with false identities to heal and grow from this. If it's possible for you two to repair the hurt you both sustained.

Word count~ 1205

#anon answered #v3nusxsky answers #fanfic #anon requested #emily prentiss x you #emily prentiss #emily prentiss x fem!reader #emily prentiss fanfiction #ssa emily prentiss #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x y/n

58 notes · View notes

izzuku · 2 years

Text

sweet aftertaste─ 4 a.m

summary: one night after the off-collab your thoughts hunt you, except for this time there's someone there to break them apart.

characters: ike eveland x gn! reader

c/w: mentions of smoking (reader), bad mental health, dealing with depression, intrusive thoughts, kinda angsty at first, angst to fluff, first kiss, night confession (not proofread cause it's late & I'm tired)

a/n: something I wrote while listening to The Neighborhood cause it's my favorite band and my favorite way to self-destruct

The clock was almost hitting 4 am when you decided to step out on the balcony for some fresh air. You didn't expect to feel like shit when you met Vox, Mysta, Nina, Ike, Mika and Luca in person. Don't get me wrong, they're the best people to hang out with; sweet, caring and funny.

The only problem was your own head, reminding you of all the things you did in the past, reminding you that maybe you didn't deserve this happiness. Your actions, your self image and how everyone saw you from the outside only caused you more anxiety. You were aware of yourself all the time and you couldn't avoid thinking about what others might think of you. You told yourself you'd look for help, you told your audience that you're taking care of your mental health but now everything feels like a bitter lie that you made everyone believe.

With a shaky exhale, you closed your eyes, letting the smoke of the almost finished cigarette in your mouth disappear in the darkness of the night sky. “Maybe I should cancel the stream tomorrow with a vague excuse..” you mutter under your breath, catching the salty tears on the corners of your eyes. Another glance to the far ground from the balcony made you bite a sob back.

“[Name]?” A soft-spoken voice appeared in the silence of the city, catching off guard. It was Ike.

As fast as you could, you got rid of your tears, sniffing and squeezing the used cig before turning around. “Ikey, what're you doing here this late? You should be sleeping by now.” “I could ask the same question you know” he took a look at you, his expression turning into one of concern. “Is everything okay?”

"Bet you look stupid right now" you inner laughed at your comment, depicting once again as a failure. At least, you tried to hide it from everybody else. “I'm perfectly fine, why do you ask?” You could hear him exhale, taking some steps in front of you so he could have a better view. You knew Ike wasn't an openly affectionated man, but feeling his own palm on the flesh of your cheek made you shiver. “You can talk to me...you know that, right?”

Your eyes never left his, so caught up in the moment you didn't even notice the tear falling down your cheek, the same cheek he was holding. His eyes softened, pulling slowly into a hug to comfort you. “I always feel like I don't deserve anything...and I can take it anymore Ike” you mumbled on his chest, gripping the shirt tighter each time you recalled the awful memories. His hand found your head, stroking really slow and the hand that was holding your waist pulled you even closer to his body.

“I'm here...don't worry, love...” his words felt like a dream. You thought to yourself: how can someone like him make me feel so alive yet pull me into a sweet slumber. He always made sure everyone was okay, even you, and you couldn't thank him enough for everything he's done.

“Why are you so fucking perfect for fuck's sake...” you sighed with your head low. “No wonder I fell in love with you” you blurred out without noticing, laughing while cleaning your wet cheeks with the sleeve of the jacket.

“You fell... In love with me?” It stuck out to you the fact that an accidental confession spew out of your mouth, making you launch your head up in hopes to not be met with a disgusted face. For your luck, Ike's eyes were bright open with almost the reflection of the moon on them and cheeks flushed red.

You took the matter slowly, gently grabbing his hands while standing straight in front of him. “I guess..you now know it but yeah...it happened a long time ago. I don't know how it happened,I just know that you made me feel loved when all I could do was destroy myself...” your eyes wandered anywhere but his face, afraid to hear a cruel comment.

“If I had known you felt the same... I'd have confessed earlier” his hand raised your chin, a small smile graced his lips before adding something. “I'm really glad that I made you happy [name], you're really important to me”. With a silent question from him you nodded before letting him taste your lips, softly turning into a candy-coated first kiss.

Maybe your nights won't be as lonely as before.

#gn reader #izzuku #soft headcanons #nijisanji x reader #ike eveland x gn reader #ike eveland x reader #ike eveland #nijisanji en

172 notes · View notes

shinwoonoh · 1 year

Text

it’s ep 4 of the eighth sense and i still don’t believe jaewon is in therapy.

i asked myself why? why, when it’s getting quite obvious that jaewon is in therapy, from the woman accusing him of just being here for the drugs and to jaewon stating his parents forced him to come here 10 years ago. he sits there on a couch for four as a silhouette. the water is clear and glowing behind him. she essentially tells him to spit it out for god’s sake, says he has depression, and jaewon tells her i’m getting sick of myself wearing a mask when I’m dealing with others.

(or a deeply personal piece about my experiences with being asian and the idea of therapy, all prompted by the privilege of getting to experience the eighth sense)

[tw: depression, suicide ideation, ptsd]

i’m first generation chinese canadian and queer. my sister has depression, had thoughts of suicide, all while i myself was being emotionally and verbally abused at work. it’s been 5 years but when i drive by a white toyota 4runner (because that’s the car they drove), i’m still gripped with fear. i can only stare straight ahead hoping to god it’s not them it’s not them it’s not. i want to drive the other way onto oncoming traffic

i told my mom then, that my sister needs help - a doctor, therapy, - call the goddamn pastor from church - anything.

she told me, what use is therapy going to do?

my mom was a registered nurse. when i was a kid, she used to bring me with her on her night shifts and i’d eat tuna croissant sandwiches with the seniors in front of the biggest television box i’ve ever seen in my life. cross legged on the floor because the po po’s and gong gong’s took all the chairs. she told me if old white ladies ask for kleenex and you give them toilet paper, they’ll be mad. it’s different here.

so it’s ep 4 of the eighth sense and i don’t believe therapy exists in the minds of asian people and culture

i took a new job. vowed not to make friends at work. clock in clock out. gave limited info when coworkers asked questions. smiled and giggled. i observed and mimicked behaviour that would let me fit in. i learned how to hug someone when they were upset (tight and long, soothe their backs with open palms) even though i didn’t want to hug anyone, let alone have anyone touch me anywhere that was soft

i was masking.

been masking. for a long time.

i fit in so well, everyone likes me. i’ve been told i’m the favourite by pretty much everyone. hell, i’ve had coworkers fighting over me, told i can do and say no wrong. i’m not trying to brag. i hate being the centre of attention. i steer conversation immediately to the other person so i don’t have to talk about myself too much. just enough to seem normal, to look human - to be liked.

(even as i’m writing this, there are too many words and paragraphs about me, why would anyone read this? y’all are here for the eighth sense but i’m going on like a celebrity writing their autobiography about their tragic childhood and how they were able to rise above - so, okay, i should start sprinkling in some actual t8s content analysis, for god’s sake)

jaewon says i want to free myself from human relationships

what happened to jaewon? we don’t know entirely yet. but everybody loves jaewon. the teacher will give him a good mark because he likes jaewon. everybody in class wants him to be their project partner and everybody’s missed him since he’s been away in the army please hang out with us jaewon let’s go drinking jaewon you better show up jaewon or it would be a shame, jaewon you are so likeable loveable cool lucky don’t worry about jaewon he’s got everything going on for him

then he meets jihyun and i think jaewon has a hard time finding the right mask to put on to deal with the freshman. and he slips a lot. when he starts to talk about his brother, after eunji shows up because of taehyung’s scheming, when jihyun repeatedly corrects him that it’s jaewon that wants to be friends - not him. and finally when he kisses jihyun

he’s having such a hard time and he slips up so bad, that the next safest option is to mask right back up

oh jaewon was drunk he has a habit of kissing and yeah he’ll join them after he helps yoon won wrap things up he’s the new best friend so let’s have a meal together with jihyun and his roommate next time

3 years into my new job, someone returns to the company and we become friends, on a soulmate level. i think i was in love with her - i definitely had a crush on her. but anyways, somehow i see her and i was suddenly all sorts of things because of her. i start to look forward to work. i add my coworkers on facebook and ig. we go to parties with our bosses and a few of us go on a couple of road trips even though the pandemic is blazing in the background

she saw me, even when i didn’t want to be seen. i remember getting a particularly anxiety-inducing email from my previous job. i’m in the staff room sitting quietly, staring at my feet. i try to breathe.

i’m alone for the whole of it but i emerge from the room again. ready to leave for the day and somehow, my friend sees me. asks me what’s wrong?

how did she know? i didn’t cry. i looked in the mirror before i came out. i didn’t even say anything to her. but i tell her, quietly at first and then easily and then finally with so much - so. much. honesty.

she tells me i get it. of course you feel that way. why wouldn’t you feel that way? it’s completely understandable. i know you.

we hug. it’s one of the best hugs i’ve ever received.

she leaves for another job. i try to go on, all open and soft parts exposed. but little by little, i go back into my shell.

why would i want to show the entirety of myself? all the bits of me are all the ways i can embarrass myself, expose myself, show myself to people who will take what i show and twist and move it all in a way that becomes unrecognizable and uncontrollable

so i mask

but it’s goddamn tiring and exhausting. jaewon is exhausted. you see it in his eyes as he stares off out into nowhere when jihyun tells him his name. when they’re sitting in the train, and he’s smiling at jihyun at first and then jihyun’s smile falls open, and we see jaewon’s expression: there’s a downward movement to his lips. it’s so miniscule. maybe i’m imagining it

but that’s the moment i think jihyun sees when he tells aeri he ran into jaewon sunbae yesterday, and he didn’t look okay.

what was i talking about? oh yes, therapy and being asian and how disconnected that is to me. nobody asian goes to therapy. i can hear all the aunties and my popo saying sometimes doctors are wrong and medicine isn’t going to help. my grandma didn’t believe my grandpa had dementia and alzheimer’s even to the last minute of his death and past it. she said he was annoying and stupid when he forgot where he put his ring or when he would leave the stove on until a hole burnt through the pot.

in the farewell, a story about a chinese family that lied to their aging matriarch that she didn’t have terminal lung cancer. all of them flew back to china for a rushed and premature marriage, used as an excuse to go tearily say goodbye to their soon-to-be dead grandma/mom/mother in law, etc. the juxtaposition of them celebrating a happy marriage while crying on stage to her about her for her as she claps with happiness and pride, but also with confusion, is funny. they never tell her. and she miraculously is cured of cancer. it’s like she never had it. they lied to her because they wanted her to be happy. be happy so she wouldn’t die.

so what good will medicine, let alone, therapy do? just be happy. easy, right?

i hope jaewon continues to open up. i hope he finds that soulmate of his, maybe in jihyun, maybe in himself. i know opening up and unmasking is scary. but also masking is so uncomfortable that i want to crawl out of my skin. it’s alienating and lonely.

even writing all of this out, i still don’t think jaewon is in actual therapy. i’ve never seen it personally in asian media. so i think it’s so sad that when i’m being given a beautiful example of a korean person in korea going to therapy or whatever type of appointment relationship agreement this is where jaewon gets asked what’s bothering him and he answers truthfully and almost painlessly. like he’s been doing this for 10 years.

and i don’t believe it. it’s so fucked up that i don’t believe it. i keep thinking when will the rug be pulled out from under me? surely there’s no such thing as an asian person going to therapy. fuck, evelyn travelled through the multiverse and there’s not one of her in therapy

but it’s right there in front of my own eyes: jaewon getting counselled and advised, she has a notebook, an aquarium to look at when you’re nervous, big round metal balls to stare right back at you when you need a distraction and it’s been 10 years. i watched it all with the same eyes that saw my parents fight and punch holes in the wall before going to couple retreats at church and coming back stronger than ever. the last time i saw them fight, i was in high school. even as my sister finally spoke to her doctor and she saw a therapist, then a psychiatrist and now she’s on medication and she’s doing better. i’m not afraid she’s going to hurt herself anymore. my soulmate sees a counsellor and messages me randomly and it’s so eerily weird when she knows i’m struggling even when we’re a mountain apart

it’s all in front of me. but i don't believe it.

#the eighth sense #basically: what's it like to be mentally stable? rofl #don't know her #ANYWAYS god that was really personal and i hope this sits okay with some people #the eighth sense really just pulled this out of me and i'm really surprised i'm okay with sharing all of this #mywriting #ok to reblog

58 notes · View notes

hannahssimblr · 2 months

Text

Chapter Twenty-Eight (Part 3)

After the night draws in, the party thins out until soon there are only four of us left. It’s a Thursday night, after all, and everybody has things to do tomorrow. I warm my legs by the crackling fire as Claire says a tearful goodbye to the group of friends she was closest to before she started hanging out with Kelly and I. She always had an easy time making and keeping her friends, because she’s just like that. Endlessly likeable without ever having to try. When she comes back over to the fire pit and says nothing, just curls up and puts her head on my shoulder. She smells like the smoke from the burning wood, as do I. I know the scent of this night will linger for days in my hair.

The stars are so clear, and the night is so dark that we can see the milky way. I look at Jude as he looks up at the sky, head thrown all the way back, eyes wide and barely blinking. I think of a story he told me once about a night he spent wild camping with Jonas when they were in New Zealand, and how cold they were, but how clear the sky was, and while they shivered in their sleeping bags they saw more stars than he’d ever seen in his life. I wonder if he is thinking now that the sky in New Zealand is exactly like the sky here.

An email notification goes off, and he pulls himself down to earth. I watch him take out his phone and look at it, and catch the moment his expression turns from serenity to urgency, a jolt practically shooting him out of his seat.

“That an email, man?” Shane says sleepily.

Jude clears his throat. “Um. Yeah it’s a work thing.”

“Who’s sending work emails at midnight?”

I feel a lump forming in my throat. I know who. It’s four o’clock in Los Angeles. My vision zeroes in on him. “What does it say?”

“It’s… They just… um. They liked my portfolio is all.”

“Oh!”

Claire looks confused. “That’s good, right? That’s good news? Why do you both look depressed?”

“It is good,” I say, “It’s unreal. What did they say? Any good tips.”

“Not really, I…” He frowns at the screen, “I’ll go over this again tomorrow, I’m too tired right now to deal with it.”

Shane speaks up, “I’m confused, man, is it a job offer or something?”

“Um,” Jude says.

“He asked for portfolio feedback, that’s all,” I explain, “The studio is in America so it’s not like he’s going to work there or anything.”

“So they’re just giving you advice on your art?”

Jude smiles weakly. “It’s nothing, like I said, I’ll deal with it tomorrow, I-”

“I’m so lost,” Says Claire.

“Let’s not talk about it for now,” Jude insists, and his voice is sharper than usual. “I’m tired and it’s not that fun to talk about work and stuff. Can we just, like, chill out by this fire and enjoy this moment?” He puts his phone back into his pocket and changes the subject, and we talk about things that don’t matter while I watch his leg bounce anxiously for over an hour.

When Jude and Claire go inside to bring out some blankets for us, now that the dew has settled over the garden and the cloudless night has made way for a chill, Shane leans towards me. “Whatever ends up happening, you’re going to be fine.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean whatever he decides to do, like, whether he goes to America or not, you’ll survive it.”

“He’s not going to America, where did you get that idea from? He’s just waiting for a job to come up in the UK.”

Shane purses his lips. “Okay well, just saying. If, like.”

The cool air licks up my arms and legs, and I shiver while goosebumps erupt all over my skin. “He doesn’t want to go there.”

“Does he not?”

“No,” I feel a prickle of annoyance. “He’s going to get a job in London.”

“What if they wanted him in the states?”

“Well he wouldn’t want that.”

Shane takes a moment, considering this, and then gently says “But it’s his home.”

“This is his home,” I am his home, right?

“Ireland?”

“Yeah.”

“No it isn’t, he’s a fish out of water here.”

“I think I know better how he feels about-”

“Evie, c’mon,” He says, and he doesn’t look me in the eye because he hates doing that, so he looks very seriously into the flames instead, “That fella is not an Irish man. He doesn’t act like one or talk like one or look like one. He doesn’t feel like one either and that’s an obvious thing. As long as I’ve known him he’s been that way.”

“What way is that?”

“Like he can’t sit still, I mean. Like he’s going to just leap out of his seat and start running away. Why’d you think he went to Berlin, like? You think he would have split up with Michelle and left Jen behind like that if he had any patience for Ireland? He hates it here. He’s a caged bird, like.”

“Well, England-”

“What’s England, though? Ireland with a few bigger cities? Ireland but a coloniser version? What’s that to him?”

“He wants to be with me.”

“I’d say he does,” Shane shrugs, “because obviously he likes you a lot, but…”

“You think he should do the same to me as he did to Michelle? Sacrifice me for an experience?”

“No, I think you should really think about what the best thing to do is, you can-” Jude and Claire come back out of the house with the blankets then. We hear them laughing before we see them and we cut off our conversation.

“What’s with the long faces?” Claire says cheerfully, “I hope you’re not talking about what I think you’re talking about.”

“Australia? Surely not,” says Jude as he slumps into the seat beside me and throws a knitted blanket over my legs, “We’re not allowed to talk about Australia, are we?”

“No, shush,” Claire says, “Don’t even think the word. Anything else, let’s think about anything else but leaving.”

Later, much later, with the stars disappearing and the dawn slowly encroaching, Claire and I lie on blankets on the lawn while the grass shimmers silver with morning dew. Jude and Shane are sleeping by the dwindling embers of the fire, we can hear their slow breathing even though we can hardly see their faces through the dark.

“Claire?” I whisper to her.

“Yes, babe?”

“What was it that made you compromise in the end?”

“What do you mean ‘compromise’?” I feel her eyes on the side of my face.

“All of those things that you wanted,” I say, “Like, your dreams and all, about having a big wedding and babies and a big house by the time you were twenty five. That was always what you talked about. I’m just curious to know, that’s all. What made you put it on hold? Was it something about Shane, or the way you feel about him?”

She pauses in consideration for a minute, “Well, I didn’t really compromise,” she says. “Yeah, like, I wanted those things, and I wanted them immediately. Like I knew I would have a massive white wedding and a big country house and dogs and kids and all that, I suppose I just thought I needed to start doing it all by the time I was twenty two. Now I am twenty two and it’s like, I’ve learned that those things weren’t the real dream, do you know what I’m saying?”

“Not for right now?”

“Yeah, for one day. I’ll have those things one day but,” She shifts thoughtfully, “Shane’s my dream, actually, I just realised after we went through such a hard time this year that I couldn’t give him up. I couldn’t have any of those things unless he was doing them with me and I couldn’t be the one who held him back from his dream just so that I could force him to fit into mine. And anyway, the dream isn’t the dream if he isn’t by my side.”

“So if he goes, you go,” I whisper.

“Yeah, if he goes I go.”

“That’s true love.”

She giggles, “That’s true love for us. If he needs to go to Australia and play Aussie Rules then that’s what we’re going to do. I don’t want any other man for my whole life, so.”

“Hm,” I say. “That’s very romantic.”

“Well we are very romantic.”

“Shane Healy,” I snort, “a real Romeo.”

Claire punches my arm, “You don’t see what I see!”

“I think maybe I see it sometimes,” I admit, “Like he has these moments where he surprises me with the things he says. He’s insightful, you know? He’s been there for me when-” I cut off in surprise at this sudden bout of tears, “Oh, God, I am not crying, hang on,” I fan hands in front of my eyes. “God sake.”

Claire sniffles loudly, “Well if you cry then I’ll cry.”

“Can we just cry?” I plead, “can we just admit that we’re sad?”

“We’re sad,” She agrees, and her arms reach for me so that we can hold each other and sob gently into the other’s shoulder.

“I can’t even explain how much I’ll miss you both,” I say, “What the hell am I going to do without you?”

“You’ll be okay,” she says, “I know you don’t think you will, but you don’t need anybody, anybody except for Evie Kilbride.”

I sniffle pathetically.

“Anyone,” she repeats, “And you’ll find all of the easy answers, and the right directions and joy and peace and love and you’ll be so happy.”

“Alright.”

“And we’ll be back someday, I swear to God, because for all I’ve just said about Shane being the dream, I still want my big country house, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So let’s try and sleep now, right? It’s late and I have a long day tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” I wipe my nose with my sleeve, “So should we say goodbye now, then?”

“No, we won’t,” She brushes my hair away from my forehead, “My parents are coming to get me at six, and we can say goodbye then, okay? Then we won’t have to cry over it. Let’s pretend for now that I’m not really going.”

I nod, “Alright then.”

She flips over to her back and bundles the blankets around her chin, “So goodnight, Evie.”

“Goodnight Claire.”

Beginning // Prev // Next

#lucky girl part 3

10 notes · View notes

pastelaspirations · 2 months

Text

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH, YA FREAKING MAD LAD. I told ya I'd get it done and I d i d. Let's not worry about how long it took me. Everybody, check out @develation's lil guy, Inkwell! :D He a cool but edgy boi, I love him. <3

I wanted to draw Inkwell a long time ago, but only just now got around to it. I'm not as good at drawing him as Dev is of course, but I tried, man. ;_;

I... also... um. I'm s o r r y. They look kinda similar with the hoods and everything, so I... connected it to my own au. I know, I'm hanging my head in despair.

JUST. SO HERE. HAVE UGLY SKETCHY MESSES WHERE I SHOVE MY OWN AU NEXT TO INKWELL EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ASKED.

I feel like the two of them would be friends after an awkward introduction. It's like they both have depression or something, but Inkwell deals with it by being a jaded and cynical person who hates the world and Ink deals with it by choosing to try and still see the good in the world and put on a smile even if it's hard lmao

#utmv #undertale au #ink sans #inkwell #eldritch horror au #perseverance!au #please tell me they'd be friends #Their introduction to each other would be awkward 'cus Inkwell's traumatized and hates everyone and Ink is a socially awkward mess #But they'd eventually be friends #I have to believe they will or otherwise it'll hurt my heart

6 notes · View notes

liverpool-enjoyer · 1 year

Text

footballers as taylor swift songs

requested by my swiftie in Christ @yudgefudge!! thank you luv <3

leo: you're on your own, kid. ive been associating him w this song way before i knew that everyone else was doing the same lmao. it rlly does encompass his entire journey, from humble beginnings n jus being a little kid playing for fun (from sprinkler splashes/to fireplace ashes), to being the best in the world n all the struggles that come with it (i search the party.../just to learn that my dreams arent rare). the man gave his blood sweat n tears like hed be saved by a the "perfect kiss" which here is a metaphor for the wc obviously. n ohmygosh "everything you lose is a step you take"!!!! BRUH???!?!?! every line, from "i didnt chose this town (ie paris)/i dream of getting out/theres just one who could make me stay", to "the jokes werent funny, i took the money/my friends from home dont know what to say" are all SO leo coded.

ney: anti-hero. i ADORE him n theres a lot of people that like him. but theres also a lot of people who like not liking him. hes one of the best in the world, and as great as that is, he has, unjustifiably so, garnered a significant amount of haters (its me, hi, im the problem, its me/at tea time, everybody agrees). hes rlly endured a ton of it throughout the years, but keeps going (pierced through the heart/but never killed). after facing so much backlash, youd probly worry about the people that still support you and how much longer you can hold on to that (one day i'll watch as youre leaving/and life will lose all its meaning). also, hes a rich person. which makes the bridge pretty relatable for him but like in a funny way.

gavi: nothing new. this one is more based off my inner musings than actual like evidence. i have no idea whats going on this lil dudes head. but i know that IF i were in his position, i'd relate to this song a FUCK TON. its basically a song abt being in the spotlight, n being the shiny young thing that has peoples attention. but what happens when thats not true anymore? (Lord, what will become of me/once ive lost my novelty?) what happens in a few years when an even younger prodigy comes around n impresses everyone? (are we only biding time 'til i lose your attention?/and someone else lights up the room?/people love an ingénue). im not gonna write down the whole birdge but its basically abt the inevitably of meeting your replacement. the song basically asks: "will you still want me/when im nothing new?" he seems like a happy dude who probly doesnt think abt this stuff, but if i were a famous promising young soccer player, this stuff would definitely weigh on my mind.

muller: the story of us. Lord forgive my mullendowski heart. i tried to think of a song that would fit jus him n leave shipping out of it but,,, yeah it wasnt happening. in my mind theyre a package deal. anywho the song's about being around someone youre still in love with after youve broken up (now im standing alone in a crowded room/and we're not speaking and im dying to know/is it killing you like its killing me). ik theyre on good terms n all but in my mindbrain i imagine him them being in the same place for the first time since lewy left him bayern and poor thomas jus "nervously pulling at my clothes/and trying to look busy." and my gosh "but you held your pride like you shouldve held me"??? the AUDACITY. i can go off about this whole song tbh. oh n also even tho speak nows a country album this song is kinda,,, rock/punk-ish kinda??? which is to say, its very loud. much like a certain someone. fun fact i almost put seven for him bc of "before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/anytime i wanted" but i figured one line wasnt enough for me to put the whole song.

mbappe: evermore. this is a brooding song. a depression song. so i can definitely see this as a post 2022 world cup final song for him. it actually relates to a sports loss very well. (i used to listen to this song n think a oikawa from haikyuu,,, heh). if theres one thing abt mbappe its that hes dedicated. i can see him "replay(ing) my footsteps on each stepping stone/trying to find the one where i went wrong," yknow, jus thinking abt the final over n over. very "i rewind the tape but all it does is pause/on the very moment all was lost." but at the end of it all, hes young, hes talented, n has more world cups ahead of him. ie: "i had a feeling so peculiar/this pain wouldnt be for/evermore."

klopp: dear reader. this whole song is just advice. its taylor dishing out advice to her fans, most of whom are younger than her. kloppo loves his players, he wants to give them good advice that applies not only on the pitch, but off it as well. (dear reader/bend when you can, snap when you have to/dear reader/you dont have to answer, just cause they asked you) however its no secret that our lovely manager can be pretty hard on himself. so its possible that while he gives advice to those he loves, he feels like hes not worthy of giving it (you wouldnt take my word for it/if you knew who was talking).

again, everything stated is speculation, fueled entirely by my delusional lil mindbrain. as i dont know these ppl.

#im sooooooooo sorry i didnt put as many as i normally do this was TOUGH #like youd think this would be easy for me but a lotta the times i'd find a song that i can only connect a player to a single lyric of #so it was a struggle #also i put my WHOLE ass into this so i WILL do a shameless reblog if i see fit #leo messi #neymar #gavi #thomas muller #robert lewandowski #mullendowski #kylian mbappe #jurgen klopp

53 notes · View notes

go-to-the-mirror · 1 year

Text

Un-Follow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be The Only Thing I Talk About For The Next Day. I've Been Wanting This For Months Fuck. What The Fuck. /ref

@a-mag-a-day

So, uhm, MAG 136 everybody! As you can probably tell I've been looking forward to this episode, not as much as some others, (cough cough) cul-de-sac (cough cough), but a fair amount of excitement going into this. So, without further ado, let's get on with it! Mostly rambling, but I have great words a lot of the time.

For content warnings, mostly what's in the episode and some pretty frank discussions of suicide and depression. If I need to add or tag anything please let me know.

If I get another gambling ad, I'm going to break something :). Sorry, I keep getting this gambling advert and it's just. Nope, no, 0/10. I had hope it would only be on RQG.

ARCHIVIST (Compelling) If you don’t mind me asking, where are you off to? MELANIE Therapy. Wait … ARCHIVIST Oh, God, Melanie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to … MELANIE It’s fine. I would probably have told you eventually anyway. ARCHIVIST Even so, I shouldn’t— MELANIE Just forget it

I'm glad that although Melanie's obviously -- and to be honest, rightfully, yeah Jon didn't mean to make her tell him that she's going to therapy, he still did and that would make me pretty angry -- upset, she's handling it in a good way, they're not getting in a fight, they're being... amicable. Not friends -- a long way from friends.

DAISY You’re not babysitting me, alright? I know that’s what the others think sometimes, but that’s not it. I just don’t like being on my own if I can help it. You know, flashbacks, panic attacks, the usual. Just trying to avoid it if I can. ARCHIVIST I know, Daisy. I do. It’s hard. DAISY Yeah, well. Don’t let me get in your way. ARCHIVIST Of course.

jon's just grappling with the concept of friendship in the corner like, sure, he was a last resort, but he's spending time with another human and they're not obviously wishing he was dead! yay for that i guess!

also uhm i like how yk, maybe i was just watching bad shows before -- probably -- but it isn't... glossed over. they go through things and they deal with said things, mostly in bad and self destructive ways, like yes the characters suffering and then they have to deal with the suffering and it's all portrayed in a -- in my opinion -- pretty true to life way. People get angry when they're traumatized and under stress, people get suicidal, people do stupid things, people don't trust people -- trust the wrong people -- the works.

*holds gently* p o d c a s t

I loved Neil. I might even have been in love with him; it’s hard to say. When there are so many emotions caught up in a single person, when they’re such a significant force in your life, it gets difficult to say what’s really there at the heart of it.

I'm aro, I thought i was in love with people, I probably wasn't. Love is complicated, discerning what type it is.

Even pyrotechnics, while impressive and visually spectacular, just didn’t give me the same sharp joy as making something that could move, that came alive, directed and controlled by my hand.

Ah, right, so here's the sentence that's like "and this is what fear it is." There's a lot of those, scattered around. What comes to mind are the following lines.

Well, that’s what’s really terrifying, isn’t it? Your mind is all you are. There’s no back-up, no reset if it goes. I’m not just talking about madness as it appears, but what it is from inside. The way people talk about it, it’s like you have to think you’re sane, that our mind is everything we perceive, everything we are. Well, that means you can never know when your grasp might be slipping. I’m not convinced that’s it though. Or maybe deep down, somewhere inside, you understand what’s happening to you and I, um… I don’t know which scares me more.

(MAG 65 - Binary)

This shows that it's The Spiral.

One thing that… eats at me, as it were, and does give me that sick tightness of fear deep in my gut. It is rot. I don’t know why it gets to me so; perhaps it’s precisely because I don’t think there is anything beyond the body, and even dead and unaware, seeing a person’s form begin to putrefy and fester – becoming just a home for the crawling, feasting things – is too much for me. Perhaps it’s just an unaccountable phobia. Regardless of the reason, the fact is that to see the corpses decaying, to see their flesh corrupted, it is… the one part of this job that I find uncomfortable. So much so that I would describe reconstruction and preservation as my favourite part of the process. Making sure the cadaver looks as peaceful and lifelike as possible. Make them the person they were, or as close as they can be while cold and senseless. Fighting off the rot. The insects. The disease.

(MAG 36 - Taken Ill)

And this shows it's The Corruption.

I like it, a little introduction, so you know what you're getting into.

“Besides,” he always told me, “I’m a puppeteer at heart.”

✨ Spooky! ✨

A frugal life, lucrative career and prickly personality had left him with lots of money, but no real support; while my life had left me in a position where I cared deeply about his wellbeing and was in desperate need of money. Everything just lined up so neatly.

this was planned wasn't it, "everything just lined up so neatly," yeah no way it's a coincidence.

I must have asked him about it, but at the time it just seemed like such a natural progression.

This reminds me of some of the stuff in MAG 59 - Recluse.

I’m sure they’d have said the same things about me and at the time nothing seemed amiss. I did what I did because it was what I was supposed to do, and it never struck me to question it. I’m not sure I really recognise who I became while living at that house.

With The Web's control and things seeming fine but then you look back and it's like "yep, definitely not."

He was hanging there, wrapped in his strings like a cocoon, twisting gently around and around and around.

THAT'S AN IMAGE. oh!! OH!! oh boy!!!

She told me to take the films, his original cuts.

The way "original cuts" is said sounds a lot like some of the other tones a few statement givers take -- even Jon sometimes, immediately I can think of in the season 5 trailer. I recognise that tone.

She told me to come here. She told me to give them to you. I resisted for some time, but I’m done now. She’s won. And I would very much like to go home.

I love the way this statement ends, a lot of statements have very cool endings, this one's snazzy, the statement giver sounds so defeated.

ARCHIVIST They were … Well, let’s just say it’s not a complete shock there was something unnatural to them. Didn’t know we had copies in the Institute, though, let alone original cuts. Records indicate they ended up in Artefact Storage. DAISY Probably best they stay there. ARCHIVIST Yeah… Yes, of course.

No! Not best they stay there! Daisy and Jon movie night watching spooky films together! I think that would be fun.

DAISY She’s Web. Spider’s sneaky like that. Like that lighter you’re always using – where’d you get that? ARCHIVIST Hm, good point. We should keep our eyes open. Anyway, how’s Basira doing?

Spooky bloody lighter, god damnit, god damn that spooky lighter.

AAAA. No guys, the lighter isn't messing with his memory, he just has adhd.

DAISY Yeah, well, what do you think? You think I’m weak just cos I’m not already chasing the next kill? You think I’m less me? ARCHIVIST I … I don’t feel like I’m exactly in the best place to judge the intersection between free will and humanity. Still trying to figure that out myself.

✨ t h e m e s ✨ [themes]

I, unsurprisingly, like this. I think, that I like. The exploration of it. I think it's snazzy. It's hard to articulate my thoughts, but I am holding this gently, I am holding the many many themes of this very cool podcast gently. I am directing you to tumblr user annabelle--cane because it's got great brain thoughts.

DAISY Jon … When you went in the coffin, was it you choosing to do that? Did you actually think you could save me or was something telling you to do it? ARCHIVIST It was me. I was drawn to it, I’ll admit, but it was my decision. It wasn’t entirely about you, though. DAISY What was it? ARCHIVIST My— My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice. I made a choice to become … something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I don’t know if I made the right decision. I’m stronger now, tougher, I can … If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe stop that happening and the only danger is to me … I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster. DAISY That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST (Laughs) Yeah. I suppose it is.

I've also heard it described as "if there was a truck coming towards me, I wouldn't move out the way." Maybe not actively seeking it, but definitely not... not seeking it.

Yeah, thinking you're an inherently worse person than everyone around you, is a pretty good way to get you know, suicidal.

Almost everyone you care about thinking -- and saying -- that your very existence is a wrong, that they'd rather you have died, that's going to mess you up. And I'm... I mean like, poor Jon or whatever, I love him, he's my blorbo, but like him living his worst life is compelling and written well.

I should say more, but idk, I think I've summed up Some Thoughts.

ARCHIVIST I guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t … wouldn’t be as bad as it was. And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually endure the result. You might have noticed, when I was in there with you, I had regrets.

fuck dude it sure is, i mean at least he's pretty bad at self-sacrifice, like he lived, didn't get stuck in a coffin forever, no bad outcomes apart from... like... the trauma. he didn't even have to have one awkward conversation. until now, but i feel like him and daisy are more on the "joking about melodramatic notes app notes written while having a breakdown" than "one person who wants to get out of the situation and another who is Concerned."

DAISY You need to stop moping. ARCHIVIST I what?

THIS IS A MOMENT WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS ABSOLUTELY WIN. "picture of Edwardian offence" ahsdfsewadfssewa

I mean like yeah it's a little insensitive or whatever, but to be fair, sometimes it's just better to get out of your head, distract yourself, don't listen to sad music while you're down because otherwise you're just going to get more sad. Shout out to crying over a TMA meta while listening to Mitski and reading all my saved TMA metas. Not the exact situation, but let it be known i don't cry over fiction that much. This podcast has made me cry like... how many times at this point?

I'd share other, more specific details, but I'm not sure how much is oversharing, especially with these topics.

DAISY “Boo hoo, I’m so alone and a monster!” ARCHIVIST I am alone. Martin is—

*points* GAY

well, bi. yk.

DAISY Get over yourself. You’re always talking about choices. We all made ours. Now I’m making a choice to get some drinks in. Coming? ARCHIVIST I don’t … Yeah, ok.

ANOTHER PART WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS STAY WINNING! "pause while he grapples with the concept of friendship." Like I'm using official because i noticed an error in MAG 119, but the unofficials are funny.

DAISY Melanie’s out, but I’ll go get Basira. ARCHIVIST Is she … Would she want to join us? DAISY If she doesn’t, I’ll rip her throat out. ARCHIVIST Uhhh… DAISY It’s a joke, John. ARCHIVIST (Dubious) Oh, aha. Yes. I’ll get my coat.

HIS STUPID LITTLE LAUGH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

he's just like me fr oh my goddd he's a dumbass he's i want to squish him like one of those toys whose eyes pop out i want to shake him out like a cat aaaaaa

Anyway, Jon fan[redacted]ing over, uhhh more thoughts on the whole bloody... thing he's got going on.

First of all, I mean... passive suicidality sucks. And I think that's what's going on, like he jumped into that coffin, with the knowledge that he might not live, but maybe he will, and does it matter either way. He lives, gets Daisy out, he's useful, he's good. He dies or gets stuck there... well, it's just another monster gone. And of course that's not what he thinks when he's down there, but... I can't back this up with studies, but anecdotally... yeah uh, I mean, sometimes you go "oh shit, maybe doing this nonspecific thing was a bad idea, actually, and you don't want to die."

That... sudden realization of what he's done, what he's condemned himself to, the continuing... you know, he's not exactly okay in season 5, or even later on in season 4 -- what with the dark sun -- and that rings true with me. I can actually back this up with a study, according to this website, (it's reliable, it's Harvard, just search up "attempters' longterm survival" on google, it should be the first result.) 90% of people who attempt suicide don't go on to die by suicide, however 40% of those who have died from suicide (in the US) have previously attempted suicide, and 5 to 11 percent of people hospitalized for a suicide attempt go on to die via suicide, but those who haven't are only 1 in 10,000. Besides, not he's gotten help, he's just realized he made a mistake in one situation, he's talked about it to a friend, sure, but he's still mostly alone, he still mostly thinks he's a monster.

Like... that's not a great situation to be in. Someone give him some actual friends (or a boyfriend) and take all the Panado (acetaminophen) out of his reach.

#tma #the magnus archives #mag 136 #jonathan sims #tma meta #the magnus archives meta #daisy tonner #a mag a day #cw suicide #tw suicide #landscaping your mind chapter one

41 notes · View notes

myfanwymusings · 10 months

Text

TAYLOR SWIFT - MIDNIGHTS (COMPLETE COLLECTION)

These lyrics come from Taylor Swift’s 2022 album, Midnights. It is her tenth studio album, and the fifth that she has owned fully. Lyrics may be modified to better fit roleplay situation, please feel free to adjust to your needs. Additionally, two solo tracks that were released in this era. This meme includes all standard tracks, Three A.M. tracks, The Late Night Edition vault track, the Til' Dawn Remixes, and any lyric changes in remixes. "Snow on the Beach (Feat. More Lana Del Rey)" was excluded due to no new lyrics.

LAVENDER HAZE

Meet me at midnight

You don't ever say too much

You don't really read into my melancholia

I find it dizzying

They're bringing up my history

All that shit is new to me

I feel that lavender haze creeping up on me

I'm damned if i do give a damn what people say

No deal

I just wanna stay in that lavender haze

All they keep asking me is if I'm gonna be your bride

The only kind of girl they see is a "one night" or a bride

You weren't even listening

Talk your talk

I just want this love spiral

Get it off my chest

Get it off my desk

MAROON

We lost track of time again

You were my closest friend

How'd we end up on the floor anyway?

Your roommates cheap-ass screw-top rose, that's how.

I see you every day now

I chose you

You were the one i was dancing with in New York

It was maroon

How the hell did we lose sight of us again?

How the hell did we lose sight?

Ain't that the way shit always ends?

I feel you no matter what

I lost you

I wake with your memory

I wake with your memory over me

That's a real fucking legacy

ANTI-HERO

I have this thing where i get older but just never wiser

Midnights have become my afternoons

My depression works the graveyard shift

I should not be left to my own devices

I wake up screaming from dreaming

wake up screaming from dreaming one day, I'll watch as your leaving

I wake up screaming from dreaming one day. I'll watch as you're leaving cause you got tired of my scheming

You got tired of my scheming

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero

Sometimes, I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

Did you hear my covert narcissism might disguise as altruism?

Did you hear my covert narcissism might disguise as altruism, like some kind of congressman?

Life would lose all it's meaning for the last time

I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money she thinks I've left them in the will

She's laughing up at us from hell

SNOW ON THE BEACH (FEAT. LANA DEL REY)

One night, a few moons ago, I saw flecks of what could've been lights but it might just have been you passing by unbeknownst to me

Life is emotionally abusive

Time can't stop me quite like you did

My flight was awful

Thanks for asking

My flight was awful, thanks for asking

I'm unglued, thanks to you

It's like snow on the beach - weird, but fucking beautiful

You wanting me tonight feels impossible

It's coming down

It's all around

This scene feels like what I once saw on a screen

I searched "aurora borealis green"

I've never seen someone lit from within

Your smile feels like I've won a contest

To hide that would be so dishonest

It's fine to fake it til you make it

I can't speak, afraid to jinx it

I don't dare to even wish it

Can this be the real thing, can it?

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, KID

Summer went away, still, the yearning stays

It's okay, we're the best of friends

I hear it in your voice, you're smoking with your boys

I didn't choose this town, I dream of getting out

There's just one who could make me stay here for all my days

I waited ages to see you there

I search the party of better bodies, just to learn that you never cared

You're on your own, kid

You always have been

You're on your own, kid. You always have been

I see the great escape

I picked the petals, he loves me not

I'll run away

I called a taxi to take me there

I search the party of better bodies, just to learn that my dreams aren't rare

I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this

I hosted parties and starved my body like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss

The jokes weren't funny,

I took the money

My friends from home don't know what to say

I saw something they can't take away

Everything you lose is a step you take

So, make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it

You've got no reason to be afraid

You're on your own, kid. Yeah, you can face this

MIDNIGHT RAIN

He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride, I was making my own name

He stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight rain

My town was a wasteland, full of cages and full of fences but for some it was paradise

For some, it was paradise

My boy was a montage in slow-motion, of love potions and jumping off things into the ocean

I broke his heart cause he was nice

He was sunshine, I was midnight rain

He was sunshine

I was midnight rain

He wanted comfortable

I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride

I was making my own name, chasing the fame

It was the life I gave away

I guess sometimes we all get just what we wanted

He never thinks of me, except for when I'm on TV

He never thinks of me

I guess sometimes we all get some kind of haunted

I never think of him

I never think of him except on Midnights like this

QUESTION ...?

I remember

We had one thing going on and I swear that it was something

I don't remember who I was before you painted all my nights a colour I have searched for since

It's one thing after another

I have to say, by the way, that I just may like some explanations

Can I ask you a question?

Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room?

Then what did you do?

Did you leave her house in the middle of the night?

Did you wish you'd put up more of a fight?

When she said it was too much, did you wish you could still touch her?

It's just a question?

Did you realize out of time?

You're not sure and I don't know

I just may like to have a conversation

Does it feel like everything is just like second best after that meteor strike?

What's that, that I heard? That your still with her?

That's nice, I'm sure that's what suitable and right

BEJEWELED

Baby love, I think I've been a little too kind

I think I've been a little too kind

I didn't notice you walking all over my peace of mind in the shoes I gave you as a present

Putting someone first only works when you're in their top five

By the way, I'm going out tonight

You best believe I'm still bejeweled

When I walk in the room, I can still make the whole place shimmer

Do you have a man?

I don't remember

Familiarity breeds contempt

Don't put mе in the basement, whеn I want the penthouse of your heart

I polish up real nice

Baby boy, I think I've been too good of a girl

I did all the extra credit, then got graded on a curve

I think it's time to teach some lessons

I made you my world, but have you heard that I can reclaim the land

I miss you but I miss sparkling

I miss you

I miss sparkling

Sadness became my whole sky

Some guy said my aura's moonstone, just 'cause he was high

You can try to change my mind but you might have to wait in line

What's a girl gonna do?

A diamond's gotta shine

VIGILANTE SHIT

Draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man

You did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them

Sometimes I wonder which one will be your last lie

They say that looks can kill and I might try

I don't dress for women

I don't dress for men

Lately, I've been dressing for revenge

I don't start shit but I can tell you how it ends

Don't get sad, get even

On the weekends, I don't dress for friends

She needed cold, hard proof, so I gave her some

She had the envelope, where you think she got it from?

Now she gets the house, gets the kids, gets the pride

Picture me thick as thieves with your ex-wife

She looks so pretty driving in your Benz

Lately, she's been dressing for revenge

She don't start shit, but she can tell you how it ends

So on the weekends, she don't dress for friends

Ladies always rise above

Ladies know that people want someone sweet and kind and fun

The lady simply had enough

While he was doing lines, and crossing all of mine, someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI

Someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI

I don't dress for villains or for innocents

I'm on my vigilante shit again

LABYRINTH

It only hurts this much right now

Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out

I'll be getting over you my whole life

You know how scared I am of elevators, never trust it if it rises fast

It can't last

Uh-oh, I'm falling in love

Oh no, I'm falling in love again

Oh, I'm falling in love

I thought the plane was going down, how'd you turn it right around?

It only feels this raw right now

I'm lost in the labyrinth of my mind

You would break your back to make me break a smile

You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back.

Just like that

KARMA

You're talking shit for the hell of it

Addicted to betrayal, but you're relevant

You're terrified to look down cause if you dare, you'll see the glare of everyone you burned just to get there

It's coming back around

I keep my side of the street clean, you wouldn't know what I mean

Karma is my boyfriend

Karma is a god

Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend

Karma's a relaxing thought, aren't you envious that for you it's not?

Karma is a cat purring in my lap, cause it loves me

Me and karma vibe like that

My pennies made your crown

Don't you know that cash ain't the only price?

It's coming back around

Ask me what I've learned from all those years

Ask me what I've earned from all those tears

Ask me why so many fade but I'm still here

Karma is the thunder rattling the ground

Karma's on your scent like a bounty hunter

Karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town

Karma is queen

Karma takes all my friends to the summit

Karma is the guy on the screen coming straight home to me

SWEET NOTHING

I spy with my little tired eye, as tiny as a firefly, a pebble that we picked up last July down deep inside your pocket

We almost forgot it

Do they ever miss Wicklow sometimes?

They say the end is coming

Everyone's up to something

I come home running to your sweet nothings

All that you've ever wanted from me was sweet nothing

On the way home, I wrote a poem

What a mind!

This happens all the time

Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors and smooth talking hucksters are glad handing each other

All the voices all implore that I should be doing more

I'm just too soft for all of it

MASTERMIND

Once upon a time, the planets and the fates and all the stars aligned so that you and I would end up in the same room at the same time

The touch of your hand lit the fuse for a chain reaction of counter moves to assess the equation of you

Checkmate, I couldn't lose

What if I told you none of it was accidental?

The first time that you saw me, I knew that nothing was gonna stop me

I laid the groundwork

Just like clockwork, the domino's cascaded in a line

What if I told you I'm a mastermind?

Now you're mine

It was all by design

I'm a mastermind

All the wisest women had to do it this way

All the wisest women had to do it this way cause we were born to be the pawn in every lovers game

We were born to be the pawn in every lovers game

If you fail to plan then you plan to fail

I'm the wind in our free-flowing sails and the liquor in our cocktails

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I've been scheming like a criminal ever since to make them love me and make it seem effortless

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid

I've been scheming like a criminal ever since

This is the first time that I feel the need to confess

I swear that I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian cause I care

I told you none of it was accidental

The first time that you saw me I knew i wanted your body

You knew the entire time!?

You knew that I'm a mastermind

I'm a mastermind and now you're mine

THE GREAT WAR

My knuckles were bruised like violets from sucker punching walls,

I cursed you as I sleep-talked

I was spineless in my tomb of silence

I tore the banners down, and took the battle underground

Maybe it was the egos swinging

Maybe it was her

The flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur

All that bloodshed in crimson clover

The sweet dream was over

My hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War

We'll always remember

I vow not to cry anymore if we survived the Great War

You drew up some good faith treaties

I drew curtains closed and drank my poison all alone

You said I have to trust more freely

Diesel is desire, you were playing with fire

Maybe it's the past that's talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did

I justified it

The bombs were closer

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

I'll always remember the burning embers

I vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the Great War

It turned into something bigger

Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed

But you looked up at me with honor and truth

I called off the troops

That was the night I nearly lost you

I really thought I'd lost you

We can plant a memory garden

Say a solemn prayer

I'll place a poppy in my hair

There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair

We will never go back

BIGGER THAN THE WHOLE SKY

No words appear before me in the aftermath

Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness

It's all over now, all out to sea

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

I'm never gonna meet what could've been, would've been, what should've been you

Did some force take you because I didn't pray?

Every single thing to come has turned into ashes

It's all over, it's not meant to be

I'll say words I don't believe

PARIS

Your ex-friend's sister met someone at a club and he kissed her. Turns out, it was that guy you hooked up with ages ago. Some wannabe Z-lister. And all the outfits were terrible. 2003 unbearable. Did you see the photos?

Your ex-friend's sister, met someone at a club and he kissed her.

It was that guy you hooked up with ages ago

All the outfits were terrible

Did you see the photos?

No, I didn't, but thanks, though

I'm so in love that I might stop breathing

No, I didn't see the news

We were somewhere else

I was taken by the view

We were in Paris

The privacy sign's on the door

Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours

Sit quiet by my side in the shade.

I wanna brainwash you into loving me forever

I wanna transport you to somewhere the culture's clever

I want to confess my truth in swooping, sloping, cursive letters

HIGH INFIDELITY

You said I was freeloading

I didn't know you were keeping count

Put on your records and regret me

I bent the truth too far tonight and I was dancing around it

Put on your headphones and burn my city

Your picket fence is sharp as knives

Do you really wanna know where I was April 29th?

Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?

Storm coming, good husband

I dragged my feet right down the aisle

I'd pay if you'd just know me

It seemed like the right thing at the time

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love

Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

It's never enough

GLITCH

We were supposed to be just friends

You don't live in my part of town, but maybe I'll see you out some weekend depending on what kind of mood and situationship I'm in and what's in my system

You don't live in my part of town

Maybe I'll see you out some weekend depending on what kind of mood and situationship

What's in my system?

I think there's been a glitch.

I'm not even sorry

It must be counterfeit

I was supposed to sweat you out

In search of glorious happenings of happenstance on someone else's playground

It's been two-thousand one-hundred ninety days of our love blackout

Our love is blacking out

The system's breaking down

I'll go back to wanting dudes who give nothing

I thought we had no chance

That's romance.

Let's dance

WOULD'VE COULD'VE SHOULD'VE

If you would've blinked, then I would've looked away at the first glance

If you tasted poison, you could've spit me out at the first chance

And if I was some paint, did it splatter on a promising grown man?

If I was a child, did it matter, if you got to wash your hands?

All I used to do was pray: would've, could've, should've

If you'd never looked my way, I would've stayed on my knees

I damn sure never would've danced with the devil a5 nineteen

The God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven

Now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts

Memories feel like weapons

Now that I know, I wish you'd left me wondering

If you never touched me, I would've gone along with the righteous

If I never blushed, then they could've never whispered about this

If you never saved me from boredom I could've gone on as I was

Lord, you made me feel important until you tried to erase us

You're a crisis of my faith

If I'd only played it safe

I would've stayed on my knees and I damn sure never would've danced with the devil at nineteen

God rest my soul

I miss who I used to be

The tomb won't close

I regret you all the time

I can't let this go

I fight with you in my sleep

The wound won't close

I keep on waiting for a sign

I regret you all the time

If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?

Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts

Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first

DEAR READER

If it feels like a trap, you're already in one

Get out your map. Pick somewhere and just run

Burn all the files

Desert all your past lives. If you don't recognize yourself that means you did it right

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

You should find another

Bend when you can, snap when you have to

You don't have to answer just cause they asked you

The greatest of luxuries is your secrets

When you aim at the devil make sure you don't miss

I wander through these nights

I prefer hiding in plain sight

These are desperate prayers of a cursed man, spilling out to you for free

Darling, darling, please

You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking

I'm walking to a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there

I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care

No one sees when you lose when you're playing solitaire

You should find another guiding light, but I shine so bright

HITS DIFFERENT

I washed my hands of us at the club

You made a mess of me

I pictured you with other girls in love, then threw up on the street

They say that if it's right, you know

Each bar plays our song and nothing has ever felt so wrong

Oh my, love is a lie

It hits different

It hits different this time

Moving on was always easy for me to do

It hits different 'cause it's you

I used to switch out these Kens and just ghost

Just rip the Band-Aid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw

Freedom felt like summer then on the coast but now the sun burns my heart and the sand hurts my feelings

I never don't cry at the bar

My sadness is contagious

I slurred your name 'til someone puts me in a car

I stopped receiving invitations

I found the artifacts

I cried over a hat

Curse the space that I needed

I'll trace the evidence to make it make some sense

Why's the wound is still bleeding?

You were the one that I loved

You don't need another metaphor, it's simple enough

This is why they shouldn't kill off the main guy

In the good in the world, you once believed in me

I felt you and I held you for a while

I could still melt your world

I heard your key turn in the door down the hallway

Is that your key in the door?

Is it okay?

Is it you?

Have they come to take me away?

KARMA (FEAT. ICE SPICE)

Karma is that girl

Karma is your chеck about to bounce

Karma is a fire in your house

She's about to pop up unannounced

She is never leaving you alone

Now your switching up your behavior

It's okay, baby, you ain't gotta worry

Karma never gets lazy

Keep your head up

I won't let up

Karma is a beauty winning that pageant

YOU'RE LOSING ME

I don't understand

I know you don't

We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't

I remember looking at this room, and loving it cause of the light

I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?

I'm getting tired even for a phoenix that's always rising from the ashes and mending all my gashes

You might just have dealt the final blow

Stop, you're losing me

I can't find a pulse

My heart won't start anymore for you

You're losing me

Every morning, I glared at you with storms in my eyes

How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying?

I sent you signals

My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

The air is thick with loss and indecision

I know my pain is such an imposition

You know what they all say

You don't know what you got until it's gone

How long could we be a sad song?

We were too far gone to bring back to life

I gave you all my best me's and my endless empathy

All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier fighting in only your army

Don't you ignore me

I'm the best thing at this party

I wouldn't marry me either

I'm a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her

I'm fading

Do something, babe, say something

Lose something, babe, risk something

"Choose something, babe,

I got nothing to believe, unless you're choosing me

My heart won't start anymore

ANTI-HERO (FEAT. BLEACHERS)

Sometimes, I feel like everybody is an art bro lately

I just judge them on the hill

Maybe I'm the problem, it's me

____, you'll be fine

#taylor swift lyrics.#inbox memes.#roleplay starters.#rp memes.#rp starters.#roleplay memes.#rph #myfanwy sources.

32 notes · View notes