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ravens-rambling · 5 years

Note

Platonic Moxiety- “I think I might pass out.” In which Virgil proceeds to pass out.

A/N: Here you are!! Sorry it's small ahhh

WC: 1,235

ships: Romantic Analogical, Platonic Moxiety

warnings: Mentions of abusive parents/ caretakers, Sickness, Nervousness, Passing out, idk I think that’s it, Mentions of Anxiety

Tag List: @punsterterry @stormcrawler75 @frostedlover @mycatshuman @mutechild @panicattheeverywhere15 @thewinterbookqueen @analogical-mess @saddestlittlebabe

Virgil hasn’t been feeling good all day. Since the moment he'd woken up this morning he’s felt like shit. Why, his eyes felt like cement has been poured over them. Somehow all his limbs hurt and ached with every movement, even every breath he took. His head felt like he was swimming through water all seconds of the day. His nose was stuffed up and really his entire face hurt.

He had thought about staying home today but…he wasn’t sure how Patton would take it.

Most parents he had they had forced him to go to school even if he was sick, they didn’t give two shits. Well, when he says most he means all honestly. Or if they did let him stay home he had to do chores or they took everything from him and locked his door. Nah… He would rather go to school then face that. He’s learned the hard way it’s never good for him to be left alone with his thoughts like that. He needs his music to distract himself. There’s no way he can lose that again.

So here he was arriving home from school. Wait… Didn’t he just walk into his first class?? Where did the day go? What happened? Oh well… At least he’ll be able to sleep now guess that’s all that matters.

But of course, we can’t have all that we want, can we?

“Kiddo! You’re home! How was school? Have you told that handsome little boy you liked it yet?”

He had to groan internally and on the outside, he rolled his eyes. God how he so regretted telling him he likes Logan… And how he forgot how Patton always loves to talk right after he gets home… He should have gone through the window, dammit him.

For some reason it was blistering hot in the house, even though its winter and he took off his coat at the door, as he sat down on one of the dining chairs, trying not to look too inconspicuous. Maybe if he gets out of here quickly nobody would be the wiser. Swallowing thickly he responded, hoping his voice doesn't sound like how it felt.

“Fine... As always, Pat. And no I haven’t. I don’t think I ever will, can you just drop that already?”

The ever bubbly blue wearing man popped into the room practically bouncing on his toes. And of course he’s wearing the cat onesie around his neck, gosh it’s a good thing nobody has seen him from school yet cause heaven forbid he’ll be so embarrassed. And by the looks of it, he hasn't noticed how scratchy his voice was.

“Why not? Does he not like you back? If not I’ll show that boy a piece of my mind then! How could somebody not love my little emo angel!”

“Pat… I told you not to use that name please. And no, well I mean I don’t know. It’s whatever. I’ll never know cause I won’t ever ask.”

Patton frowned and came to a halt, “But, but kiddo! You have to ask eventually! What if he does like you and he’s shy! You can’t go dodging love forever!” Then he paused, “Buddy…?”

Virgil groaned even more but had to stop midway when he felt a sneeze coming on. Really he’s throat felt like somebody was squeezing it too but thankfully he’s able to hide that pretty well, luckily he’s always had a gravel voice. But if he sneezed he knew his voice would be rough right afterward. He won’t be able to hide it for long. Plus it would look strange if he sneezed right now.

“Yeah… Watch me.”

He just managed to say as he stood up and grabbed his backpack hoping to start heading up the stairs. Before he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning around he was met with a concerned look from his ‘Dad’.

“Kiddo… You know you can come to me for anything right? It’s just… We haven’t had our movie nights in a while, which is fine!” He added hastily, “But I’m worried about you is all. Come down for dinner tonight, please?”

Okay, now he felt bad for not telling him but what could he do? He can’t say, 'oh yeah I’m sick can you take care of me'. Like that’ll go down well. And he hasn’t been coming down for movie nights cause well… He thought they were kinda stupid but he didn’t have the heart to tell Patton that. That and…there was another reason that he didn’t dare say.

But still, he found himself nodding, “Sure, Pat. I will.”

With a small smile from both of them, Pat let go of his shoulder and he hastily made his way upstairs. The moment he dropped his bag and fell on his bed he moaned thickly and sneezed. The moment he sneezed he started coughing badly. His coughs racked through his entire body making his limbs shake and hurt even more.

Once he was able to find his breath again he wiped the leftover tears in his eyes and groaned once again his throat killing him now. Grabbing for a pillow he laid his head on it and passed out like a light the moment his head hit it.

An ever cheery voice woke him up, “Kiddo! It’s dinnertime!”

Groaning, he blinked open he’s ever sore eyes. When he moved to get out of bed he realized that his muscles hurt even more. Everything hurt. And… Is the world spinning? He’s pretty sure the world doesn’t spin this fast right? His nose won’t stop running and he could feel himself burning up. But he’s fine, right? He’s fine enough for dinner then he can sleep the rest of this off…right?

But the moment he opened his door his stomach did a very uncomfortable twist and he had to grip the really cold doorknob to steady himself. Breathing quickly the world very slowly came to and his stomach leveled out. He can do this, nothing to worry about.

As he made his way downstairs he had to grip onto the stairwell very tightly. One hand was wrapped around his stomach for support while the other was chalk white against the wood. The stairs weren’t that close to his body before right? Wait no, the stairs weren’t that far away from him.

Why were there black spots dancing around the living room? That doesn’t seem right…They weren't there before he could recall so where did they come from?

When he stepped into the dining room he glanced around hearing some humming. Then it suddenly stopped and a blur of blue came into his vision suddenly within a blink of his eyes. That's when he felt a burst of cold on his cheek causing him to jerk back in surprise. Which was a mistake. His head swarmed, the black spots intensified across his vision until he couldn’t even see anything anymore, not even Pat's blue shirt. All he could hear was a concerned, worried voice right in front of him. His head felt like somebody bashed a metal bat against it.

As his eyes dropped close he was able to mumble out a very tired and gravelly, “I…think I might pass…out.”

The last thing he felt was that sudden wave of cold engulfs him, but this time his entire body not just his cheek.

Before the world went black.

#sanders sides #virgil #thomas sanders #logan #patton #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fic #my fics #Sanders sides human au #human au #analogical #romantic analogical #well really it's pre analogical but whatever #platonic moxiety #family moxiety #Sanders sides au

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monochromatic--stains · 6 years

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Bold what’s true about you

I am a male.

I am a girl.

I am shorter than 5’4.

I’ve been told I’m beautiful.

I have scars.

I tan easily.

I wish my hair was a different color. (sort of, it’s currently dark blue/purple but i wish it was more even)

I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.

I have a tattoo.

I want a tattoo.

I am self-conscious about my body.

I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.

I have more than 2 piercings.

I have a piercing in a place other than my ears.

I have freckles.

I’ve yelled at someone out of anger.

I’ve told someone I don’t love them and lied.

I’m hiding something.

I’ve sworn at my parents.

I’ve run away from home.

I’ve been kicked out of the house.

I don’t have a healthy relationship with my mother.

I don’t have a healthy relationship with my dad.

I have a sibling less than one year old.

I’ve been poor. (although my parents have always been able to support me… i’m just talking about me on my own)

I want to have kids someday. (idk maybe. i want to want to have kids but if i end up never having kids i don’t think i’d regret it too much)

I’m in school. (part time)

I’ve lost a child.

I’ve missed a meal.

I have a job. (i freelance my art all the time but i don’t have a steady job atm)

I’ve lived in the same place since I was born.

I’ve moved a lot.

I’ve been on the streets.

I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.

I almost always do/did my homework.

I’ve missed a week or more of school.

I failed more than 1 class last year.

I’ve stolen something from my job.

I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation. (except ironically and on purpose lol)

Disney movies still make me cry.

I’ve peed from laughing.

I’ve snorted while laughing.

I’ve cried from laughing so hard.

I’ve glued my hand to something.

I’ve had my pants rip in public.

I was born with a disease/disorder

I’ve broken a bone.

I’ve gotten stitches/staples.

I’ve had my tonsils removed.

I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.

I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.

I had a serious surgery. (if getting a massive blood clot out of my leg counts)

I’ve had chicken pox.

I’ve had measles.

I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.

I’ve been on a plane.

I’ve gotten lost in my city.

I’ve seen a shooting star.

I’ve wished on a shooting star.

I’ve seen a meteor shower.

I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

I’ve kicked an guy where it hurts.

I’ve been to a casino.

I’ve played spin the bottle.

I’ve crashed a car. (RIP my first car that i flipped over in)

I’ve been skiing.

I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.

I’ve sat on a roof top at night.

I’ve sat on a roof top at night with a boy.

I’ve ridden in a taxi.

I’ve eaten sushi.

I’ve been snowboarding.

I’m single.

I’m in a “it’s complicated” relationship.

I’m in a relationship.

I miss someone right now.

I’ve gotten divorced.

I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

I’ve had a crush on a teacher.

I’ve hugged a stranger.

I have kissed a stranger.

I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.

I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.

I’ve snuck out of my house.

I have lied to my parents about where I am.

I am keeping a secret from the world.

I’ve wanted to die.

I’ve hated myself.

I’ve hit myself.

I’ve cried during the past week.

I cried yesterday. (not yesterday but i cried today haha)

I’m hurting inside.

I’ve cheated while playing a game.

I’ve cheated on a test.

I’ve run a red light.

I’ve been suspended from school.

I’ve witnessed a crime.

I’ve been in a fist fight

I’ve been arrested.

I’ve passed out from drinking. (not completely blacked out, just sort of laid there in my own vomit spacing in and out)

I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.

I’ve smoked.

I’ve smoked weed.

I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.

I’ve popped E.

I’ve eaten mushrooms.

I’ve inhaled Nitrous.

I’ve done hard drugs.

I have cough drops when I’m not sick.

I have 3 pills at a time no problem.

I’ve gone to a psychiatrist.

I have traumas.

I have been diagnosed with depression.

I’ve thought of committing suicide.

I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.

I’ve taken an anti-depressant.

I have been anorexic or bulimic.

I’ve slept an entire day without needing to go pee.

I’ve hurt myself on purpose.

I’ve woken up crying.

I have trust issues.

I’m sensitive.

I’m insensitive.

I’ve lied while saying “I’m fine.”

I’ve cried with someone.

I’ve cried because of someone.

I’ve cried to the person I’ve cried about.

I’ve cried out of anger.

I hate funerals.

I’ve seen someone dying.

Someone close to me has committed suicide.

I’ve attempted suicide.

I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

I own over 5 rap CDs.

I hide my feelings from a person every day.

I own an iPod or MP3 Player.

I collect comic books.

#fuck i was planning on going to bed super early but then i hung out with my sisters and watched superbad and had a beer and now i'm here

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d3imoss · 6 years

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LGBT book recommendations

Because it’s Pride Month, and because @jesse11441 asked for it and I couldn’t be bothered typing all this out over text.

(this is going to be a long post so recommendations are under the Read More)

Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda (Becky Albertalli) This is the book that inspired the movie Love, Simon; it’s about a gay boy and his experience with first love, coming out and life in general. [TW- being outed]

Leah on the Offbeat (Becky Albertalli) Leah on the Offbeat is the sequel to Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, so please read that first if you don’t want spoilers! Follows a bisexual main character and her general experience. [TW- covers the topic of racism (challenged), biphobia, anti-fat remarks]

The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet (Becky Chambers) Follows a crew of various different characters from all sorts of alien backgrounds. It’s kinda queer, I guess? Idk, read it and you’ll understand.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post (Emily M Danforth) Set in 1989, it follows the story of a young, closeted lesbian in small-town Montana who is then sent to conversion therapy. [TW- homophobic language/experiences, conversion therapy, drug use/underage drinking type thing, self-harm; it just generally deals with a lot of heavy topics]

Ask the Passengers (AS King) About a girl who’s trying to break free from the labels others place on her (she’s fallen in love with a girl, but isn’t sure if she’s really a lesbian.) She has to deal with pressure from family and friends to come out- whether that is saying she is a lesbian or that she isn’t- and would much rather just be. [TW- homophobia]

We Are Okay (Nina LaCour) An amazing book with lots of character development about a girl moving on from the death of her grandfather. [TW- depression, grief, loss of family members]

Everything Leads to You (Nina LaCour) A girlxgirl love story with elements of film.

Every Day (David Levithan) A wakes up in a different body every day, but they fall in love with one girl and will do anything to stay with her.

Gena/Finn (Hannah Moskowitz and Kat Helgeson) A story told entirely in emails, comments, notes, drawings and other media of two girls falling in love (though that’s not all it’s about.)

Radio Silence (Alice Oseman) Great LGBT representation that isn’t directly about being LGBT- about a boy, a girl, another boy and a podcast (the podcast is not unlike Welcome to Night Vale.)

I Was Born for This (Alice Oseman) About a fangirl and a band, of which the lead singer/frontman of the band is a trans boy (also the fangirl is a Muslim girl.)

Carry On (Rainbow Rowell) Essentially a parody of the ‘chosen one’ trope, in which the main character is gay. Somewhat similar to Harry Potter.

History is All You Left Me (Adam Silvera) A very sad story about a boy recovering from an ex-boyfriend’s death.

They Both Die at the End (Adam Silvera) Another sad story about two boys who will die within the next twenty-four hours, and their attempts to experience as much as they can before they die.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (Benjamin Alire Saenz) Two boys and a friendship of a lifetime.

The Inexplicable Logic of My Life (Benjamin Alire Saenz) A coming of age novel about a boy who was adopted by a gay man and his general experiences with life and the death of family members.

Queens of Geek (Jen Wilde) Set at a convention, this book has bisexual rep, POC rep, anxiety rep and autism rep. Also a great story in general.

Spinning (Tilly Walden) A memoir in graphic novel form about an ex-figure skater and her life (also she’s gay).

If I Was Your Girl (Meredith Russo) A trans girl dealing with life after transition.

Symptoms of Being Human (Jeff Garvin) Follows the story of Riley, who is genderfluid, and their experiences with life.

Seven Ways We Lie (Riley Redgate) This isn’t really about being LGBT, more about a school scandal, but one of the main characters is pansexual and does actually say this directly in the book!

Dreadnought (April Daniels) A trans girl becomes a superhero and has to deal with big-time villains but also peoples’ reactions to her trans identity.

Will Grayson, Will Grayson (John Green and David Levithan) Two boys with the same name meet, and their lives become intertwined in many ways.

More Happy than Not (Adam Silvera) Another sad story about a boy trying to find happiness after his father’s suicide (also, he’s gay.)

Autoboyography (Christina Lauren) Two boys fall in love in a writing class- one is bisexual and from an accepting family, while the other comes from a super-religious, conservative family.

The Upside of Unrequited (Becky Albertalli) Molly has never been in an actual relationship, but she’s had many crushes in her time. (LGBT rep in this book is Molly’s mums, her twin sister and her sister’s girlfriend, who is pansexual.)

We Are the Ants (Shaun David Hutchinson) A boy is abducted by aliens and given the opportunity to prevent the world from ending by pressing a button. Issue is, he’s not 100% sure he actually wants to save the world from destruction.

The Flywheel/Get It Together, Delilah! (Erin Gough) Delilah’s father has gone overseas and she now has to deal with saving the family, keeping her best friend Charlie out of prison and maybe getting a date with Rosa, the beautiful flamenco dancer from across the road.

Amelia Westlake (Erin Gough) Two girls create a secret identity in order to get things to change around their super-religious private high school.

Finding Nevo (Nevo Zisin) An autobiography of Nevo Zisin, a queer, non-binary human. It’s a great book.

Bonus: This webcomic called Heartstopper by Alice Oseman, which is largely a fluffy story about two boys falling in love [TW- eating disorders.]

#lgbt #pride month #lgbt book recs #book recs #books with trigger warnings #trigger warning #ya #ya book recs #lgbt books #lgbt book recommendations #me ranting about books again #book recs with trigger warnings

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buttercream-me-up · 7 years

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Crash // Maynard Brothers

Word Count: 1842

Summary- You get into a car crash, and suddenly your twin starts acting weird.

Warnings; car crash, mention of a coma, & swears? (don’t actually remember, this was written in like a 3 day span and I can’t be bothered to check.)

A/n; I thought I’d try a different writing style, tell me what you think?? Also I’m lowkey really happy with this one, but at the same time, I’m not. Idk. Let me know your thoughts.

Requested; Yes.

req; Is it ok if you do an imagine with jack? It takes place post car accident (with both reader and jack in the car, without jack, either is fine. You can even write the accident if you wanted idc) and he is TERRIFIED of you getting anywhere near a car? It's ok if you can't, I know it's a lot XD

*ITALIC WRITING- FLASHBACK

*NORMAL- PRESENT

“Can you pick up some Nando’s on the way home?” Jack asked, his voice playing through the car’s speakers. “Sure thing Jack.” You said, your eyes not moving off the road. You were thankful cars had Bluetooth, especially for calls. It made everything so easy. “Anything in particular you wan-” You began to say, but were cut off by a huge smashing sound, glass flying and the world spinning rapidly, before you hit your head and everything went black.

You shot up out of your bed, drenched in sweat. You had tears rolling down your cheeks, and you were panting heavily. You mentally cursed yourself for still shaking at the thought of that day. It still haunted you like a fresh wound; as if it were only yesterday. Even if for half of that period you weren’t awake, it was still hard to believe. You expected it to scar you, but you didn’t think it would be quite like this.

Beep. Beep. Beep. “Please, Y/N, please..” You faintly heard, the sound familiar, but indistinguishable. “I need you, please..” You groaned, the bright light nearly blinding you as you peeled open your eyes. The room you found yourself in was unfamiliar, ugly light yellow walls surrounding you and very bright long lights stretched across the ceiling. You weren’t sure where you were, but you knew it wasn’t your room.

The crash. Thankfully, no one got hurt. No one else, anyway. The truck that hit you spun out of control and smashed into the side of your car. You were in a coma for a month. Or so you were told. You struggled to wrap your head around the situation. A whole month. A whole month you were in complete darkness. It felt like mere hours, the distant beeps you now know was the heart monitor, a noise in the background of the dark abyss you found yourself in.

You rubbed your eyes. When you raised it, your arm felt slightly restricted, and you looked down, you realized there were IVs in your arm and hand. “What the..” You whispered, throat sore. “Where am I?” You rasped, as if you hadn’t spoken in weeks. “Y/N?” You looked up at the sound of a voice, your blue eyes meeting the concerned, yet relieved ones of your twin. “Jack?” You whispered, unable to speak fully with your dry, sore throat. Jack looked stunned, but shook his head, jumping up suddenly, running to the door and throwing it open. “Doctor! Nurse! She’s awake!” He called out to the room, and a bunch of people crowded in.

You shook your head. You knew you weren’t the only one who was suffering. For you, it was terrifying; and the worst part was; you didn’t even see it coming. You only felt the impact; mentally, and physically. Jack, on the other hand, was taking it harder than you. You couldn’t imagine what he’d been through in the last month. You on one hand, were trapped in the abyss of nothing, unknowing of time or anything around you. Jack had to spend every day, waiting agonizingly for his other half to wake up, praying she would come back. Praying you would come back. Maybe you would know, but he refused to look at you, let alone talk to you.

“Hello, dear. I’m a doctor. You’re in the hospital. Can you tell me your name, some facts about you and the last thing you remember?” A man told/asked you. “My name is Y/N Maynard, I’m 22 years old, and I have a twin brother named Jack, and older brother named Conor and a younger sister named Anna. Last I remember is driving my car and a loud crashing sound.” You said, slightly confused. The doctor smiled, though it was bittersweet, you didn’t know why. That’s when the news came. “You’ve been in a coma for a month, Y/N.”

Jack was always a very secluded person. He liked his feelings to stay his; to keep things to himself. Always, ever since you were a kid, you were his only exception. You were the one he’d go to for everything, from girl problems to anxiety attacks, you were his rock. Now, you felt like you were missing your other half. Jack had shut himself from not only you, but everyone. All his friends were worried, Conor was worried. You weren’t worried. You were absolutely terrified.

After the news, the doctors left, and you were sitting in silence. The door creaked, and in walked several sets of footsteps. The watery eyes of Conor, Anna, your mum and dad met your own, and a smile illuminated your face. “Hi.” You croaked, and they all ran over, squishing you in a Maynard hug. Except one. “Where’s Jack?” You asked, the pain evident in your groggy voice. “He said he needed time.” Conor whispered, tucking your hair behind your ears and scanning your face, as if unbelieving you were awake. “I’m sorry.” Conor said, he knew how much you wanted your twin, and he wasn’t there.

“Jack. Let me in.” You pleaded, banging on his door. “No.” He said, and you distinctively heard his voice crack. “Jack please..” “Leave me alone, Y/N!” He yelled, clearly annoyed. “No, Jack! Stop whatever this is! I want to know why you’ve shut me out since I got back! You didn’t even visit me in the hospital for god's sake!” You screamed, and the door swung open.

“Why not?” You asked, wanting to know at least a decent reason Jack wasn’t here. Conor looked at your parents, as if asking if he should tell you. They look to each other, unsure. Anna steps up to your bed, and only then did you notice the tears running down her cheeks. “He thinks it’s his fault.” She whispered, choking back a sob. You took in a sharp breath, completely stunned by the news.

“You wanna know why I wasn’t there? One month, Y/N! An entire month without my sister, without you! I watched you for weeks, sitting in absolute silence! I talked to you, and you didn’t reply! The doctors said you could’ve died! By the way things were going, I thought you already were dead! What the hell would I have done then? I need you! You’re the better half of me, and I’m scared, alright? I’m scared of losing you!” Jack screamed, and you fell silent. You quickly realized the tears running down his already stained cheeks, his eyes red and puffy from crying.

“How would it be his fault? That doesn’t make sense..” You stuttered, your heart rate increasing. “Relax, relax, Y/N.” Your mom said, stroking your forehead gently. “You were on the phone with him when you were driving, yeah?” Anna asked, and Conor looked about ready to pull her out of the room. He stepped forward, presumably to do so, but you cut him off. “Yeah..” You answered, and suddenly, it all made sense.

“Jack..” You whispered, tears blurring your own sight. “No! I spent a month talking to your limp body. I prepared myself for the worst. I shut out everyone because all I wanted was you. I wanted my twin. You weren’t there, and it was all my fault!” He sobbed, and you ran over engulfing him in a hug. He tensed, but let his arms swing around your torso and pull you close. “I was so scared, Y/N..” He whimpered, and you realized just how hard this must’ve been for him.

“He thinks he distracted me because he was talking to me on the phone? He thinks I crashed because of that?” You asked, your voice cracking. None of your family answered, but Conor was giving Anna a look, as to say ‘you’ve fucked up.’ She backed away slightly, an apologetic look in her eyes. “Sorry.” She muttered, mainly to Conor. “B-but, I didn’t even crash! The truck ran into me!” You said, trying desperately to make an excuse for Jack not to feel guilty. You failed.

“Jack, I’m right here. I didn’t die. It’s not your fault, you know? The truck hit me, not the other way around.” You said, pulling him back to be face to face with his. “I was calling you, I was still distracting you from the road. It was my fault.” He stuttered, trying to control the seemingly endless stream of tears. “Jack, it’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re both fine. It was not your fault, okay? I promise.” You said, and he broke down, sobbing into your shoulder.

“I want to see him.” You said, looking at your family. They all gave each other looks. Anna gestured for Conor to speak, as besides Jack, you were the closest with him. He ran a hand through his hair; a nervous tick of his. He stepped forward, looking down at you sadly.You could see up close, he had tears blurring his eyes, and you knew the news wouldn’t be good. “Y/N.. He doesn’t want to see you.” Conor said, softly.

“The Uber is here.” You muttered, rubbing his back soothingly. “No!” Jack exclaimed, grabbing you tighter. You frowned, confused. “Jack, why not? We have to go to Conor’s.” You said, looking into his eyes. “W-what… what if we crash?” He stutters, nervously. “Jack, we won’t. What happened to me was a rare occasion. It won’t happen again. I won’t leave you again, okay? This time, you’ll be there for me too, right?” You told him, and he nodded.

“How could he not want to see me! This is ridiculous!” You cried, tears running down your face. Your family smiled sadly. “He’s been here for a month, Y/N. He thought you were going to die.” Anna blurted, being shushed once again by the eldest Maynard child. “Did you all think that?” You asked, vulnerably. Conor frowned. “We didn’t know what to think, Y/N. For all we knew, you could’ve already been dead.” “But I’m not.” You defended, saddened by the thought your twin didn’t want to see you. “We know, and he knows too. He’s just scared you wouldn’t be.” Your dad said, grabbing your hand and squeezing it lightly. “It was a bit of a shock for us all.”

“Now let’s go before we get a complaint from our driver.” You teased, and he wiped his red eyes. “I look like shit.” He said, looking at his reflection in his phone camera. “You always do. Come onnn!” You said, pulling his arm. He looked at you in mock offense, storming off in front of you. He took off into a run, calling back “Last one there is a rotten egg!” You laughed at the childish nature of your twin, but you were glad he was back to normal, and you’d much prefer him like this than have him shut you out at all. “I win, Y/N!” Even if he was an annoying twin, he was your annoying twin, and you wouldn’t change it for the world.

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me-importa-mother-blog · 7 years

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Rambling about recovery

I am truly almost moved to tears to remember the feeling of having someone look u deadass and tell u that you're the reason they're sober. That you're the reason they put down the needle or the bottle. That u gave them hope, inspiration, strength. That's why I loved (and still do) working with other alcoholics and addicts because THATS ME and I'm them. I see myself in every single broken soul that walks through the door of that meeting or detox or inpatient. Sometimes I wonder why fucking me. There's so many other sick and suffering alcoholics out there so desperately in need of a sliver of hope, of being told that they matter, of having a bed to sleep in, some sense of security, companionship, a fucking family. I am one of the lucky ones. I don't know why but god chose me. God hand picked me to carry the message of recovery. And if I have EVER touched or influenced or helped at least ONE person then all of it was worth it. Every second of pain and suffering that I have endured, every bitter experience, every time I've been abandoned or rejected, every time I've been to jail or the hospital. It was ALL worth it. I know what it's like to sit in a dark room staring at the wall feeling absolute emptiness in the hollow bit of your stomach. I know what it feels like to watch the sun come up once more and to think to yourself, FUCK I did it again! I stayed awake another fucking day!!! I know what it's like to have multiple days like those and suddenly u find yourself brushing your teeth in an alley behind a warehouse in god knows what fucking city you're even in, and u haven't slept in days, u can't remember the last time u ate, and the feeling of the toothpaste stinging while coating your tongue reminds u that nothing would be better then a drink of fresh water. I know what it's like to sit in a basement while your using boyfriend is nodded out, and you're trying to hit but it's so cold and you're so dehydrated and frail that u can't find a vein. U keep missing, your veins roll, your heart is pounding, you're shaking. All u fucking want is to hit goddamn it why is it so hard!! U stop and pause. U remember nights in rehab sitting outside chain smoking while reading we agnostics out of the big book w a musician and a hippie that you're particularly fond of. And u hardly have anything in common with either of them but you've never felt so at home. A couple weeks later u sit on the couch in your sober living, just another normal day when u become consumed with negative thoughts that flood your mind. "Is this all there is?" U keep asking yourself. And u decide that u miss the taste of alcohol on your lips. The regret you'll feel the next day, the scrapes on your knees, the aching in your back. U miss the chaos, u crave self destruction and just like that you're off and running again. Starting right where u left off. U come back to your emptiness in that basement and look down at your arm, pale with dots blood everywhere from all the times you've poked yourself trying to shoot up. U look at the needle, coagulated blood fills the rig and u know the shot is worthless at this point. U take a deep breath and once again the thought crosses your mind "is this all there is?" But it's not. There's so much fucking more on the other side. It's so painful to walk through the path to face your addiction and your problems head on but goddamn I promise it's worth it. It was all worth it because I would have missed out on all of this. I never want to forget where I came from and that at any second my misery is refundable and I can go right back to where I was. While I try to live life as normally as I can, my addiction is doing push ups waiting for me to relapse, waiting to strip me of everything and everyone worthwhile that I have fought for with my entire life and heart and soul. Getting sober was the HARDEST GODDAMN THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Staying sober is a piece of cake these days but holy shit, the first six months of sobriety were excruciating. I had vivid dreams of getting loaded almost every night. I spent the first two weeks in psychosis, hallucinating nonsense. I was constipated for 17 days and once I was finally able to take a shit it was a type of pain I will never forget, that I never want to feel again. My skin felt like it was 3 sizes too small. Everywhere I went I was convinced everyone knew that I was a fake. I would cry uncontrollably at the most minuscule things like not being allowed to buy a donut at 711. All I thought about and wanted to do was get high. I wanted to feel that rush again. I wanted to feel the cough in my throats from doing a fat shot, the room spinning, my ears on fire, a sudden urge to just go. Idk where I was going or why but I just had to go. And I was either in for the high of my life or my heart was gonna give out and I was done but either way I couldn't wait to see what happened next. And 30 minutes later utter misery kicks in. I am living a hell on earth. The anxiety is so unbearable that I can't stop smacking my lips, biting my cheeks, bouncing up and down, pacing, impending doom, severe lower back pain. My first 6 months of sobriety all I wanted was to feel that again. And I told myself I wasn't done and one day I was gonna get high again I wasn't sure when but I knew I was going to and I couldn't wait for that day to come. Almost three years later here I am. Haven't touched meth or heroin since and done really plan to. I entertain the thought quite often. My mouth waters sometimes when I get blood drawn because my body is trained to think that when a needle is entering my vein, I'm about to feel high as shit in a few seconds. But then I don't. I'm still sober as fuck. And feeling completely 100% sober is the best feeling next to that rush. Nothing will ever compare to the rush. That is and will always be the absolute most incredible feeling ever. But it's fake. Nobody should ever feel that good. It's not right. And it comes at a very high price. So next to the rush feeling sober and getting to FEEL everything is the best feeling. And the reason is the best is because it's real, authentic, raw, genuine. Even when my bipolar has taken me to the darkest depths I am still feeling. The good, the bad, the silly, the angry all of it. I used to feel absolutely nothing but pure emptiness, the kind a zombie would feel. Like I had no brain, no purpose. My whole family could have gotten brutally murdered in front of me and I would honest to god have just shrugged, said oh well and carried on with doing whatever I had to do to get my next fix. Meth brings out the worst in u. It opens doors to paranormal energies that allow your body to be taken hostage. U are not in control anymore. But today, I am in control. I choose who I want to surround myself with. I make a conscious decision everyday to keep needles away from my arms and shots of vodka out of my mouth. I choose to get out of bed and wash my face and brush my teeth and go to school or work or whatever the case calls for. I choose to live. Every second I'm breathing a sober breath is an act of resistance. I am breathing for everyone who doesn't have this chance. There is a revolution in and through me that cannot be silenced. I was made for great things, I was meant to touch lives. I was made to bring people together and to love and provide a safe place where the broken can gather and be. My gratitude for my life today- every high and low- every bitter experience I've gone through- attempting suicide in sobriety when I got my heart broken- losing countless to this disease. Every. Single. Thing. My gratitude for all of these and so much more expands across galaxies. It's unfathomable, cannot be understood or rationally explained. I love myself for who I am, who I have been and who I have yet to be. Every moment that passes, I'm filled with joy because I could have missed out on all of this. And to anyone struggling, if I can do it so can u. I get to live a life today that I didn't even know I wanted. So when people tell me I have anything to do with them getting/staying sober, it means the world to me because my journey has been hell but I'm here and I'm alive and sober and mostly happy. Bipolar is a daily struggle but I have a sober mind and a full heart to take on anything that comes my way.

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