#encouraging me (variety) bc i couldn't deal with it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mental-health-advice · 4 years

Note

Abuse #1: My ex (A*)and I remained close after we broke up 4yrs ago bc he was going on a religious mission. When he got back 2 yrs ago, he remained best friends with my new boyfriend and I. A* started dating someone (S*) and a week in she told him he couldn't contact me anymore. My boyfriend and I were sad that we lost a close friend but I respected her boundaries. A* got married to S* 4 months after meeting her, and 5 days after the wedding I got a mean text from A* saying he used me sexually.

Abuse #2: I had a feeling it wasn't him that sent that bc the text didn't make sense on multiple levels. Then a few months ago I got messages from A*s mom (my bf and I had remained close with her) saying that S* has been abusing A* mentally, emotionally, throwing things at him, and manipulating him and his family by saying she will cut them off from him or K*ll herself if they say anything to her or try to help them.

Abuse #3: Recently, A*s mom told me they are both starting to go to therapy, A* is going bc he has been punching walls. This is VERY out of character for him. I don't know if I should reach out to him or not but my boyfriend and I love this guy and don't want him to think that he lost his best friends, since we understand now he was being abused when he cut us off. He also cut off his cousins and other friends I've heard. My bf and I want to reach out but are confused

Hey lovely,

This definitely is a difficult situation. I think it’s really great that you and your boyfriend have been such good friends to A* and that you recognise this is out of character for him and that his behaviour is likely due to abuse and/or manipulation from S*.

I think I personally would get in touch with A*, just to let him know that you’re there for him. It is then up to him to decide what/if he wants to do with that. That way you’re not making that decision for him and you’re not pushing your help onto him. That’s just what I’d personally do though! It’s also more than okay to reach out to him, let him know that you’re there for him, and start helping him out.

The relationship A* is in doesn’t seem healthy from what you’ve told me, and I would indeed say this classifies as abusive. Do you know if A* is aware of this? It can be really tough to get to such conclusions when you’re in the middle of it. If you feel like he should end the relationship, then the same applies there. That’s a big conclusion to get to and it can be really hard to do so when you’re in the middle of it all! So try to encourage him but let him make his own decisions.

It might be good to see if you can read up a little on abusive relationships and how the person being abused, might feel. Educating yourself about issues that friends are dealing with is always good! A* might for example feel like he did something wrong to cause the abusive behaviour, or he might feel like getting out of the relationship isn’t a viable option (for a variety of reasons). There’s a whole lot of options as to how he might be feeling. That’s why, after educating yourself about it all, it’s also really good to ask him. How does he feel? What is tough for him? Everyone is unique and experiences things differently.

I think A* will really appreciate having you and your boyfriend as friends! It’s clear from your asks that you care a great deal about him and that’s wonderful. I hope this helped at least a little bit! Let us know if there’s anything else we can be of help with.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

#abuse #mental health #advice #advice blog #abusive relationship #emotional abuse #mental abuse #physical abuse #suicide #suicide threats #suicidal ideation #manipulation #isolation #boyfriend #relationship #ex #A*#mhapauline #anonymous

1 note · View note