#emotionally and physically i'm ok i guess. i just can't make myself work again so. yeah. also have no one to speak so again. yeah | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

diviinaee · 11 months

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HHAHAHAHAHAHA OK SO THAT QUINN AUDIO WAS SEVERE HEALING FOR ME

obvi spoilers for Facing Your Cruel Vampire Ex

DAMN THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING BRO

first off i imagine at the beginning darlin is on a lil patio/balcony of the department, looking over the horizon, thinking about how they could ever hurt quinn in the way he hurt them

SAM COMING IN WITH THE FUCKING COMFORT WE ALL NEED I FUCKING LOVE HIM

the way he asked if they truly want to do this.

(ignore philosophy div for opening her mouth):

Is it truly you who wants revenge, or is it the angry, young, broken part of you, just wanting closure?

AND THAT I SAY BOTH BITCH. Who says closure can't be beating the shit out of an abuser? 😻🫶🏽‼️

ALSO DAVID SLAYED THESE PAST FEW VIDS. LIKE YUH BRIBE THE GOVERNMENT ‼️‼️

thank FUCK that mf is magically bound AND has his core muted bc istg if he would've tranced them i think i wouldve needed a lobotomy to process that /hj

ight so.

his nickname for them still IRKS me

again. DID ERIK CONTACT MY EX FOR THIS DIALOUGE CAUSE OUUCH.

"I'd hate to think my favorite thrall was hurting, at least in a way they didn't ask for." - THE GASLIGHTING AND VICTIM BLAMING IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS

idgaf if it's pathetic to fight someone who can't fight back bc its pathetic to hurt others to make yourself seem stronger 🫡

OH OKAY.

"Even after years and miles apart, short-temper, volatile nature, a fury inside that you desperately throw to any direction to keep it from pointing inward again. I guess now that you can't use my fangs to punish yourself and your new toy won't use his, you've had to find other ways to work through your pain. Apparently by putting it on others. How articulate of you."

CAN I TALK MY SHIT AGAIN?

QUINN IS OUTWARDLY VICTIM-BLAMING THIS POOR WOLF LITERALLY EVERY MINUTE THAT HIS MOUTH OPENS.

What he is saying is that Darlin' is the true mastermind here. He thinks that claiming that they consented to everything suddenly makes him the victim in their want for vengeance. He even plainly states it in this quote:

"I never did a single thing to you, that you didn't ask for first. [...] I'm not absolving myself of anything Precious. Believe me, I am intimately aware of everything I've ever done to other people. I have more than my fair share of sins. I delight in them. But when comes to you, everything I ever did was at YOUR request."

He is ultimately saying, "Hey I'm not the bad guy because YOU wanted it." He physically harms them during sex and spins it off as an act of self-harm on THEIR part and is using it to emotionally hurt and shame them. NOT TO MENTION, he is deliberately excusing the emotional hurt he also caused during their relationship by making it seem like they consented to that as well. SO. I need all of you to see remember the FIRST EVER SOLO SAM VIDEO.

They are a lone wolf who is hunting Quinn because of the pain that he caused SOMEONE ELSE. HE attacked their friend and they want revenge for that friend. While yes, at some point that revenge became for them as well, Quinn misses the fact that this whole journey of being hunted by Darlin' was because he hurt OTHER people. But that doesn't excuse his reasoning for his behavior in his role in their relationship.

ANYONE. (with a sane mind at least) WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT.

Sure. Let's say that Darlin' WAS a troubled person who asked for pain throughout the relationship. People have kinks. Whatever. BUT, at some point, (if Quinn was sane) he would have asked why Darlin' asks for some much pain. THEN he would have found out that Darlin' felt as though they deserved it, and then he would've told them that they didn't. BECAUSE THAT'S HEALTHY COMMUNICATION. INSTEAD, Quinn sees this broken soul who is "consenting" to pain so that he was an excuse to unleash that pain. It truly is giving, "Hey I warned you so now you can't complain."

wow that was alot for me to just do that section of the video.

ANYWAY.

SLAY QUINN GOT MAD. STAY MAD YOU ASSHOLE.

THIS. QUINN SCREAMING AT THEM TO COME BACK.

HE KNOWS. He knows his effect on them is slipping. He knows they're healing. He is actively trying to make them believe that they are nothing but their time with him. HE KNOWS ALL OF IT. Trust me. I've seen an abuser's reaction to the victim's healing. IT IS LITERALLY THIS. They get so mad that their effect is no longer working. That they can't have someone under them anymore. IT MAKES THEM FEEL WEAK. Quinn truly overestimated himself BECAUSE of the fact that he counted on Darlin's mind. He relied on the idea that they would forever be haunted by him.

OK THATS ENOUGH OF PHILOSOPHY AND PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT DIV NOW MOVING ONTO CHEERLEADER DIV

WOOOOOOO SAM GOT HIS PUNCHES IN LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO

HE PUNCH FOR FRED. FOR BRIGHT EYES. FOR HIMM

also are we gonna ignore thats the first time that bright eyes was mentioned in a LOOOOONG TIME. CAUSE IM NOT. IM GONNA GO BATSHIT CRAZY OVER IT.

we love beating up abusive people. it should be normalized.

thank god for vampiric laws. WE GON WATCH THAT MF DIIEEEEE

LET IT DIE LET IT DIE LET IT SHRIVEL UP AND DIEEEEEE.

anyway anyone catch the fact that the "trip" David is planning is probably HBS.

THANK GOD JUNE IS HERE NOW BC I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS CANON ANGST.

also if anyone ends up asking me if i'm okay i'm gonna laugh cause I wrote some of this on a hospital bed LMFAOOOHDVBHDF

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redacted darlin #redacted quinn #redacted shaw pack #redacted sam #redacted david

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feralbeeast · 1 year

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I don't know what else to do so I'm gonna rant on here since so one really sees my posts anyways.

I'm never going to be enough, for anyone or anything. I'm always going to be a burden whether it be emotionally, mentally, or financially. I dont believe my loved ones when they say im not a burden because i know it isnt true, ive relied on things and people to make me "ok" my entire life. I burnt myself out before I even made it to adulthood and I don't know how to cope, prescription meds made me so fucking sick and vile I don't want and can't afford to go back to that again. The only coping mechanisms I have are isolation and weed, and neither of those are healthy but I guess it's better than self harming or just giving in. And sometimes those don't even work because of how exhausted I am in every. single. way. I'm too tired to keep living like this. I can't be responsible for myself how am i supposed to be responsible for others on top of struggling with myself. Im trying my god damned best and it will never be good enough for the people around me. That's not their fault but Jesus fuxking Christ I need something to change. No matter what happens I'm going to be fuxked, a wreck. And I can't do anything to stop that I just have to accept it and try my best to work with it. I will always hate myself and I've given up on me a very long time ago, but for those I love I will suffer until I physically can't anymore so they dont have to suffer as much. I wish people could see how much I do, how much I try, how much i care and understand.. and if the people I love do read this please don't blame yourself, this is all my fault and my burden to bare. I wish this world was kinder but this is the reality we live in and it's not changing anytime soon, in fact it's getting worse. Especially for people like me who is mentally ill, trans nonbinary, pansexual, and neurodivergent. This society was not meant for me and it never will be I have accepted that a long time ago. Maybe it's better off If I'm just gone. Everything this world has put me through should've killed me a long time ago, im jealous of the dead. I just want everything to stop so I can breathe. And I feel so fucking selfish for even thinking about killing myself but it's always there it's always the backup for me and it always will be, I've tried so fucking hard to be okay for the sake of my partner my cat and my family but im so fucking tired. Sometimes I think about how better off everyone would be if I stayed the "perfect quiet little girl" I was before I stood up for myself and left the overly abusive household I was in. I graduated high school out of spite of my family because they all thought I couldn't do it or I was gonna turn into a druggie like my parents were when they were my age. I'm so fucking jealous that my dad got to escape this world when he did and I wish he took me with him. I'm just, done. I've been living for other people my entire life not one minute of my life was spent just for me and I don't even know how to feel about that, I feel selfish for even wanting to live for me and I feel like an idiot for thinking I even possibly could. I'm going insane and there's nothing anyone can do except watch me burn. I have mourned me almost my whole life, the me you see now is not who I am. I lost myself the day I had to grow up and raise myself before I was even in school.

I wish I had somewhat a normal childhood, I wish I could've enjoyed the time I had. I will never get that time back or those people.

#vent #im sorry #trigger warning

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ilivelikeimtrying · 4 years

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SHIPS/Confirmed Couples

(Please remember these are my own opinions, I speak for no one in this matter other then myself)

So when it comes to ships for me, I guess I have to put the ones that have good chemistry together, the ones who just seem all gushy and sweet, or who would be nice together. It's how I role, but sometimes you're gonna find a ship that just... doesn't make sense, or doesn't work for you, even the confirmed couples are a little iffy sometimes. It's just when you know they don't fit, mentally or spiritually, even emotionally sometimes, and then they do with someone else.

And I'm not saying those have to be romantic either, it can be simply platonic, bromantic if you will, but sometimes things just don't make sense.

Confirmed Couples (for examples):

Allurance: Voltron: Legendary Defenders

I'm a Klance shipper myself, but even I was hoping for Lance to find love somewhere, and if it wasn't gonna be Keith, then why not Allura.

However, I think a lot of us can agree that they did them dirty.

It was to fast paste, Allura was shoved into it and half the time Lance was very unsure or not happy with himself.

He cared about her a lot, but I don't think she saw him in the same light.

She cared about him of course, but when he finally asked her out she said no, only going out with him in the end when her friends convinced her she needed a break.

Allura and Lance were some of my favorite characters in Voltron, but I feel like they deserved a better chance together then this.

The Joker and Harley Quinn: DC universe

C'mon guys, do I really need to say it?

Some people wished they had a relationship like Harley and Mr. J

But when you take a good look (you don't even need a good one), you realize that you don't need eyes to see how toxic the whole thing is.

One as the abuser and the other, the abused.

Mentally, physically, verbally, emotionally abused by The Joker, Harley still did everything she thought would make him happy.

When Harley finally leaves him, it's like a new fresh breath of air, but even that didn't come easy.

Homer and Marge: The Simpsons

Peter and Lois: Family Guy

Pearl and Rose Quartz/Pink Daimond: Steven Universe

Etc.

And the list continues.

The same goes for ships.

I know that it's great that people can see love (or "love") anywhere, even where it plainly isn't.

It's nice, cute even!

But sometimes, some people, just take things to far. They take two people (characters), whom have many toxic traits towards each other, and think they look nice together, so they must be destined right? Or believe they're fitted for each other because...

I don't know why, and honestly, most of the time I'm just too scared to ask.

Other times people don't agree with it, weither it's a Confirmed Relationships or a Ship, and that's ok, we can share opinions or have friendly arguments, but sometimes your gonna find those ride or die fans who will try and take a step forward only to find themselves at the beginning again. Fans that see Love where (I'm sorry) it really shouldn't be. Do I agree with it? No. Is that purely my opinion? Yes. Is everyone allowed to ship?... I mean I guess yeah🤷🏽‍♂️. It gets scary, creepy and sometimes even downright disgusting, dangerous or threatening.

SHIPS/CONFIRMED COUPLES: we are allowed to think/ ship for ourselves

Often then not little rants like mine are seen as an attack on shippers who ship such relationships or even these relationships and ships themselves.

The fact is they're just not. It's just me sharing an opinion.

Because we all have our own ship or confirmed relationships we like/favour. Even me! Mine personally, for instance, are:

Taako and Kravitz: The Adventure Zone (art by Genikrispies)

Lup and Barry Bluejeans: The Adventure Zone

Magnus B. and Julia: The Adventure Zone

Keith and Lance: Voltron: Legendary Defenders

Hunk and Shay: Voltron: Legendary Defenders

Aziraphale and Crowley: Good Omens

Honey Lemon and Gogo: Big Her 6 and Big Hero 6: The Series

Tadashi and Wasabi: Big Hero 6

Fred and Food/Comics/Superheroing: Big Her 6 and Big Hero 6: The Series

Etc.

And these are just a few!

Some are confirmed and some are just purely who I see would fit together cutely/happily.

Others might disagree with this, and that's ok, I might disagree with yours too, but why start a war over it?

Ships or confirmed couples don't often make sense or seem right, sometimes it's just outright wrong, and it's really the characters who suffer, or the fandom.

But there is/isn't much we can/can't do about it I guess.

As long as we all keep an open mind (open enough to see when you shouldn't care and when there are many red flags) then I think, maybe, we'll be alright.

Thanks for coming to my rant/Ted Talk.

(Sorry if I offended anyone, but please remember: 'Personal Opinion' not 'Personal Attack')

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pinkpaganofficial-blog · 6 years

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Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.

#anorexia recovery #bulimia recovery #self love #feels #rant #feelings #depression #anorexia #my past #struggle #victory #pinky

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pokefanbri · 3 years

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Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

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lostgirl2885 · 4 years

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How do you heal from all the things you've had to deal with? I continue to ask myself this question. I've delt with a lot in the last 6 yrs. I fell from sobriety and then got clean again. 3 yrs ago I fell off that wagon again. I continue to use in order to not feel. I've come to a conclusion that feelings are only good for one thing in life to be ignored. Regardless of what you say or how you express them no one is going to see the damage of someone's feeling until its to late. In order to say I'm fine I use. I disconnect i make it work for me. My mental condition is very fragile my emotions are just as fragile however im just supposed to be ok with everything and then to add to it im asked to get clean. How am I supposed to be ok when I can't even handle feeling any type of joy without being discussedted at myself for feeling that. I just wanted to be loved like every other person out there wants. Why is that so hard to ask for? Why do I have to give up everything i believe in? Why can't I be sober and be happy? Why do I have to wait again? Why is it that someone can have what they want and not care to notice that the other person is miserable? Why do i have to put my happiness on hold because their happiness seems to be more important and the only one that matters? Im tired of using! Im tired of being in a relationship that I feel more alone in then being alone. It honestly seems like this is the best my life's going to be and if thats the case I don't want to be in this life anymore. I never thought while growing up that I want my life to be miserable and lonely. Yet here I am. Can't even talk to a person about any of this stuff cuz it always get turned back on me like its my fault I had a feeling for a second well fuck guess I should just stay high so those damn feeling don't arise and cause any issues. I'm tired and im not sleepy tired im over all emotionally and mentally and physically tired. I just want to be someones priority and not just a convince. I know they love me they tell me all the time and do things like pay a bill when im stuck between a rock and and hard spot and i appreciate that really i do. However did they stop and think well shit good chance if I would have took her up on the offer she suggested or moved her back over here with me sooner she wouldn't be in that mindset or in her hardship that she's in. Idk communication only happens when its someone's friend telling the other person what the problem is all along. I want to be talked to, to be reassured, to be thought of and not only as oh i better message her so she doesn't get angry. Just as break time is ending cant even call to say fuck I just wanted to hear your voice. I lost the person I used to be cuz people and their actions have turned me against myself made to feel inadequate and insecure and never enough. So how bout that meth pipe take another hit and push any feeling away. That's how I get through one more day. How else am I supposed to deal? How else do you expect me to heal? Cuz im fucking lost!!!

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epajournal · 7 years

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