#domestice violence

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Previous Husband AU, Pt 7

((Content warning for abuse/domestic violence))

When the sun rises, Kara valiantly ventures out in search of pastries, giving Lena time to shower and dress without an audience. She must have needed it, because Lena is still in the bathroom when Kara returns, arms laden with krullers and claws.

A flash of white on the coffee table catches her eye as she deposits her spoils in the kitchen. It's Lena's journal from the night before, she discovers when she goes to investigate, still lying open to the page full of scribbled notes.

Kara knows it isn't meant for her. But her eye can't help but skip over the page, when she goes to close it. Itemized points of the red flags Lena had mentioned the night before sear themselves into her vision, mostly various arguments instigated and escalated by either side-- and then she sees it.

Insisted on sex.

Underlined, and followed by a series of tick marks tallying the number of instances Lena could apparently recall.

Kara snaps the book shut, then straightens with a hand over her mouth as her stomach churns. Guilt claws at her, wrapping around her stomach like a python until she can hardly breathe.

She should have fought harder. She shouldn't have taken the snubs personally. She should have given Lena the benefit of the doubt, over and over again. Because she's earned it-- hasn't she? They may not have known each other as long as some, but there's no denying that their connection ran deeper than just casual acquaintances.

Kara should have stayed with Lena. If she had, maybe--

"Hey," Lena calls, stepping out of the bathroom. Wringing the water from her hair with one of Kara's towels, she looks at her host in concern. "Everything okay?"

Turning towards Lena, Kara moves towards her and wraps her arms around her friend without a word. Lena's arms reflexively wrap around her in return, squeezing her firmly.

"What brought this on?"

Kara just shrugs. "Just needed a hug. I've missed them."

She feels Lena smile against her. "Well, in that case..."

Lena's grip turns vise-like, nearly suffocating her. Kara melts into it, unable to help the giggle that bubbles up in her chest. Lena's own giggle joins in a moment later.

"Careful," Lena warns. "A girl could get used to this."

Kara smirks into Lena's shoulder. "You better," she mumbles.

They stay there for a long moment, neither of them interested in stepping away. The guilt comes back, clicking in Kara's throat, strangling the whisper that eventually issues its way out.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I let you go..."

"Don't." The word comes sharp and sure. "I wasn't treating you like a friend should. You had every right to put yourself first--"

Kara withdraws, wiping her eyes as surreptitiously as she can, which is not much when she's unwilling to move more than a step from her friend.

"I ghosted you. You deserved to know what I was feeling, and why I bailed. I'm sorry I just shut down instead of trying to talk to you about it."

Lena gazes at her thoughtfully. After a moment, she nods.

"Okay," she says firmly, using her non-toweled hand to grip Kara's fingers. "You need me to be here for you, and I will be, as much as I can. And in return I need you to communicate with me-- the good and the bad. Because you're right, I'm not a mind reader, and I can't guess at what you're feeling if you don't talk to me."

Lena holds Kara's gaze intently, then smiles. "The rest we'll figure out together, okay?"

On the cusp of tears again, Kara responds by surging towards Lena, wrapping her up in another big hug. Lena returns it just as fiercely as before, and this time her head rests against the side of Kara's.

"I'm glad you're here," Kara murmurs. "I'm only sorry it took this long for it to happen."

Lena nods. "Me too." Then, "but that's it for apologies, okay? I'm tired of crying."

Kara laughs, pulling back with a grin.

"Agreed." She tilts her head towards the kitchen. "Bear claw?"

"Oh, god, yes."

#supercorp #prev husband au #the morning after #abuse #domestice violence

[meimeiherokitten]

Well, folks, I've done it. This is the fic thats going to get me burned at the stake.

Although, tbh, it does bother me that Ed Teach does some terrible, awful things and seems to not only completely escape responsibility, he seems to be able to bounce all the way to the other side and stay there, with no relapses or even adjustment.

No, I don't think it would be as bad as I wrote it. But I don't believe he'd be entirely free of that other personality. And I don't think Stede would be able to get by without seeing some of it.

AAAAAAAND this was also a way for me to work out some demons of my own. I know what goes thru your head in times like these. Unfortunately, just about everything in here is based on a real incident.

So here it is. Be kind. Dont flame the snot out of me. Writing this was punishment enough...

#ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #our flag means death #ofmd s2 #ofmd ed teach #ofmd ed x stede #ofmd stede #domestice violence #trigger fest #ptsd #i blame tumblr #unfavorable depiction of beloved character #oh crap im going to get burned at the stake for this #please spare my life

[vague-humanoid]

#domestice violence #murder tw #gendered violence

[fatummortem]

Sorry for the silence, I've been dealing with loads of dramatics & my roomie hasn't been around so a lot more chores of late. I'm on discord but i'm quiet, feel free to nudge me if ya wanna chat. More info below cut. Trigger warnings apply.

So roomie finally called the cops on her shithead boyfriend. Granted it was for him stealing her car (for the fourth time) not for demestic. The cops rattled on about not being able to do the theft because of the relationship. I have no idea if it was bs just to get her to file for domestics abuse or what not. Anyway, they got pictures, slapped in a few warrents one of which is a felony. and she's now trying to get them dropped. for the sheer fact of 'he hasn't hit me again so far' .....

She didn't like that i told her he's behaving so the charges are dropped...

Anyway, now that he has a felony warrent she wants me to move out. basically because she knows i'll call the cops on him in a heartbeat. So both of them recently has vacated the apartmet (well her stuff is here but not her) & are off doing whatever it is those two do while i take care of her cats.... which i'm not sure is a good thing. But i haven't been about because now i'm trying to find a place... again... while she also finds a place. assumably outside of the area without the warrent (not that i think that would be helpful). The only positive thing she said was 'well he has a job!' granted i've seen this idiot have three jobs before this and he hasn't gone to any of them. So I don't buy it.

anyway that's why i'm quiet.

#ooc #domestice violence tw

[sofipitch]

Discounting episode 5 completely, is it bad to still enjoy Jacob as Louis and Sam as Lestat, like I still enjoy their fanart, I still enjoy their characters, and enjoy their 1-4 characterization. I’m asking this completely honestly. I don’t want to see Jacob and Sam’s versions go away…but I feel like they are tainted now.

I 100% get what you mean. I can understand feeling this version of the characters are inexplicably tied to what happened on the screen and just feeling like giving up on the series. A lot of us in the VC fandom gravitate towards it bc we have mental health issues and or bad things like what we saw on screen have happened to us. So if the episode was so triggering it ruined it for you, I can't blame you. I haven't read many of the middle VC books for the same reason.

However at the same time these version kf the characters mean a LOT to a lot of fans. A POC Louis and Claudia, loustat in an explicitly queer relationship. To a lot of us this ia representation we have been missing, when Louis says that he felt seen for the first time in his life having to so with love, heah that's how these characters felt to me too. So I won't judge anyone who wants to try and continue watching so long as you don't try to die on the hill of defending bad writing decisions and even worse degenerate to insulting others about it. Bc I have seen a LOT of insults thrown around in the name of defending this show.

Personally, if I am still massively disappointed or worse after eps 6 and 7, I will just say "Such a shame IWTV was cancelled after episode 4, it was so good, too bad it never got to continue", and call it over. I also have a multi chapter fix it fic stewing in my brain already starting with the end of ep 4, and just continuing the series how I would do it.

This is a choice you have to make for yourself and there are good reasons for every side, just be respectful of other ppl's choices bc they are likely deeply personal

#this doesn't apply to yall making fun of ppl who were triggered by the episode #if you want to laugh at domestice violence get the fuck out of my face #vc #asks

[inquisitivetree]

Important article from earlier this year about Andrew Tate’s dangerous influence on TikTok

#andrew tate #greta thunberg #misogyny #tiktok #radicalization #tw rape #tw human trafficking #tw domestice violence

[jollygtotheg]

Burning.

From the chilli pepper flakes after a bottle was thrown at me, which I then I threw against the wall, which he then picked it up and threw it right back at me, this time exploding everywhere. All over the couch, all over the floor, all over me. He threatened me to clean it up (thankfully he helped too). I'm laying in bed now, burning all over my chest and neck after spending about an hour vacuuming all the pepper flakes in the living room.

Somewhere on my right thigh hurts, maybe from something else he threw at me. Somewhere on my right arm also hurts. The bruises will be visible in the next few days.

Things he threw at me today during our fight:

1) The bottle of chilli pepper flakes

2) A gallon of water

3) A heavy pot lid

4) (He attempted to throw a tumbler mug also but then decided not to)

5) And a treadmill (the tiny kinds that can be wheeled around easily)

If we don't end this marriage soon, someone is going to either die from

1) Suicide, or

2) Homicide.

How did the fight start, you ask? Because we were driving to the store and he told me to stay on my right lane when I didn't need to be there yet... and then when I refused to go there, he started yelling at me and saying I'm stupid.

He is homicidal. He was like that with his ex too. Has told me he hated her so much, that he wanted to kill her.

He's also threatened to burn down our house. Many times before. The only reason why I'm still here is because we just bought said house together. I don't know what to do, but I've been unhappy for a while now, ever since we got married 2 years ago.

#domestic violence #DV #domestice violence awareness

[thedvwalkingwounded]

Sunday DV Bible Study: Introduction Session

Sunday Bible Study on How God Views DV. Please Like, Follow, and Share my Blog!

View On WordPress

#abuse #Bible study #divorce #domestic violence #domestice abuse #God #harm

[peachymilkandcream]

Movie!William Afton x Wife!Reader Scrapped Part 2

(A/N: Someone asked in the comments of the last one for a Part 2 and here we are! Part 2 of Scrapped babyyyy! In which Vanessa is reunitted with her mother. I also may or may not have been watching Markiplier's FNAF playthroughs while writing this but hey. Hope you enjoy and please read the warnings!)

WARNINGS: Implied and mentions of noncon, dubcon, violence, domestice violence, age difference, power dynamic, murder, yandere behaviour, yandere themes, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, descriptions of gore

=============================================

William had been recovering well, his deep wounds had become little more than dark red dents in his skin as he healed. Husband and wife had been silent since that night, aside from simple requests and small talk they hadn't talked about what they saw, what they knew. She knew about the murders, she knew what he was, each of the children, stuffed into the suits of the place where they had brought their own children so many times. And yet she said nothing.

"So are we going to pretend nothing happened?" He asked all of a sudden while she changed his bandages.

"What do you mean?"

"The murders. You know. What got me into that suit, surely you figured it out by now, you're not that stupid."

She pauses for a moment, just long enough to convey her true feelings. "Yes I know."

Annoyed she doesn't continue he presses further. "And? You can't just say nothing."

"What is there to say William? You killed children, you almost died. What more can I say? You think I'd leave you now? Report you to the police?"

"That's how most normal people would react."

His wife sighs, trying to find the words. "Look. You're my husband. I have no life outside of our marriage. No education, nowhere to go, I don't know where Micheal or Vanessa are because you told me they left without a trace so how could I get rid of you? You're my support, my rock."

William lets a half smile come to his face, this was the woman of his dreams. Sticking by him through thick and thin. He almost regrets not telling her years ago about what he did, maybe then he could have someone to help clean up his messes. "You're really are special, you know that?"

She blushes and he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, settling his hand on her chin and pulling her closer and in for a kiss. All his schemes and plans had led up to this, and he wouldn't trade it for anything.

===========================================

Every once and a while Vanessa liked to visit the old place, despite everything her father had done she had some fond memories as a child here. It was the one place where her mother was happy, all the other memories she had of her were crying or blindly agreeing with whatever her dad said. The times she'd venture to the back office just to witness her father forcing her mother down. Vanessa shivered, sure this place had a few good moments, but most were overcast by the dark shadow of her father's madness.

But memories wasn't why she was there that night, she was searching for William. Ever since that night she couldn't get him out of her head, he was most likely dead from his wounds, but the thought didn't comfort her. She had never actually seen him die, and knowing him, it was like he had nine lives. Worry brought her out tonight, she had to see the body to feel safe in her own home again, content that he really was never going to come for her again.

It didn't help that she couldn't find it now, from what Mike had told her the children had dragged him away in that damn suit, but to where was anyone's guess. The place had always been too big, and now she was scouring it just for a peace of mind.

Lights other than her own flashlight in the main dining room caught her attention. She hoped Mike hadn't brought Abby back to visit, she could kill him for that if William was somehow still alive. But her flashlight slid from her hand when she saw the woman she thought she'd never see again.

"...Mom?"

Her mother looked up, surprised to hear the voice, but tearing up when she saw her sweet daughter. "Vanessa? Is that you my dear? Oh my what are you doing here?"

She holds out her arms for a hug, which Vanessa rushes into. How long had it been since she'd talked to her? Every time she had phoned William answered and demanded that she never call back. The one time the call went through all her mother did was defend William with every breath she had even as Vanessa told her about the crimes he had committed.

"I missed you mom-" Vanessa gives her one final squeeze before letting go. "I should ask what you're doing here."

"Well these things were your father's pride and joy, it hurts me to see them rot like this. Plus I feel like I have more of an understanding of them now."

Vanessa perked up. "Now? Why now?"

Her mother met her gaze. "I know about it Vanessa, what William did, I know about it all."

She sighs with relief, finally her mother believed all the rumours, now with dad gone she could be free of him, free to live her life. "I'm glad you don't have to live with the lies anymore Mom, he kept so much from you."

"I'm sure he had his reasons, your father is a headstrong man."

Frustration flowed through Vanessa, she always did this, her mother never had a backbone on anything except when it came to Dad. People regularly walked all over her and she just accepted whatever anyone said except if it was against that man. "Mom he kept me and Micheal from you."

"But honey you never called, how could he keep me from you."

Tears spring into her eyes. "I called Mom...I called...so many times, he answers and then doesn't tell you I've phoned-"

"Now why would your father do that?"

"Because he's a psychopath Mom, I've been telling you this for years. He hurt you, he neglected us, he murdered children! How can you defend him?!"

"Don't raise your tone at me young lady."

Vanessa sighs and tries to calm her nerves. "Why didn't you leave him Mom?"

She crosses her arms. "And go where Vanessa? You and Micheal left and without an education or a means to support myself where could I go? Your father has given me everything I could ask for. And on top of that I love him to death."

"He hurt you Mom-"

"And I needed a bit of discipline when I was young and reckless, I've changed for the better."

Vanessa sighs. "Whatever, I won't argue." She shifts feet awkwardly. "How have you been holding up though? With him gone."

What she didn't expect was her mother to seem confused. "What are you talking about? Your father hasn't gone anywhere."

Her eyebrows furrow, and dread fills her as she hears footsteps. The same dread that filled her dreams, praying that she wouldn't see her father come through those doors like he did now. "There are you are my love. And who's this? You found dear Vanessa, coming to find me and fix me up, don't worry sweetheart, your mother already did that."

Vanessa stares at her mother with wide eyes. "You helped him!? Why!? Why didn't you just let this bastard rot!?"

"He's your father Vanessa, be respectful, and besides, I couldn't just leave him here to die could I?"

"Yes! You could have avenged those poor children!"

William smirked. "As you can see your mother hasn't forgotten her loyalties like you have. She fixed me up good as new, she was worried about me unlike you. I knew you'd come back, I knew you wouldn't have let that wound kill you so easily. Now you prey on your mother, filling her head with doubts and ideas to fit your selfish narrative. No more. You will never speak to her again or else I'll finish what I started."

"I can't do that Dad, I can't let you continue hurting her."

William sighed. "That's such a shame. We could have been a family again but you insist on breaking your mother's heart." He runs a hand through his wife's hair. "Sweetheart? Go wait in the car while I take care of this with our daughter."

She simply nods, leaving the two alone and not questioning the murderous look in his eye.

"Now Vanessa, shall we finish this?"

============================================

A long time had passed, and finally William joined her in the car.

"Is everything okay honey?" She asked.

"Yes dear, Vanessa and I had a good heart to heart, she won't be bothering us again."

She accepted it, as always, although deep down she questioned why a heart to heart covered him in so much blood.

#william afton x reader #william afton x oc #steve raglan x reader #steve raglan x oc #fnaf #five nights at freddys #five nights at freddys movie

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Okay, now you gotta let us know what ideas you’re thinking about expanding on.

The main one is Lex figuring out how to break Supergirl. By abducting Lena and putting her in a Lexosuit, and controlling it to attack NC and fight Supergirl when Kara shows up. Kara doesn't know Lena is in the suit, only that Lex is not in it and is controlling it. She assumes its a drone. Proceeds to beat the shit out of it and ultimately smashing it down into the concrete. At which point Lex releases the faceplate to reveal Lena inside. Kara is horrified and and tearfully cradles Lena's body in her arms. There, under the smirk of Lex and the eyes of the Superfriends who have finally arrived (too late), Kara falls apart.

And this would be after Kara and Lena get together and have settled into soft domestice Supercorp vibes. So a shocking and unexpected bout of violence that ends with Lena dead at Kara's unknowing hands.

#supercorp #angst #lex breaks supergirl au #character death #not sure if the cd is permanent tho #kara might try to change time #but i also might leave it there #bc angst is a thing and i like playing in the sandbox

[vague-humanoid]

The family of Gabby Petito says her murder might have been prevented if police intervened when they had a chance, The Daily Beast reports.

The family reportedly plans to file a lawsuit against Utah's Moab City Police Department department’s chief, assistant chief, and two officers for their “negligent failure” to arrest Petito’s boyfriend, Brian Laundrie, for domestic violence.

“Roughly two weeks later, Brian brutally murdered Gabby, leaving her body in the woods of Grand Teton National Forest,” a notice of claim delivered the department states.

#domestice violence #murder tw

[cflawsblog]

Domestic Assault Lawyer Toronto

A domestic assault lawyer is a legal professional who specializes in representing individuals who have been accused of domestic assualt or domestice violence offenses. Visit https://cflaw.ca/practice-area/toronto-domestic-assault-lawyer and meet the leading domestic assault lawyer in Toronto.

#Domestic Assault Lawyer Toronto

[iomontecillo]

Esther’s story told by Denmark’s Nation Museum in the 1800’s Can be understood by recognizing the repeated pattern played out since since the time of Ibn Fadladn in the 900’s. Ibn Fadladn was made a diplomat in 920, and the Danish King Harald “Bluetooth” was Christensen in 965. Ibn Fadladn’s accounts coincide with the period of christianization of Europe, which involved organized rape: initiated by 1) religious conversion, 2) isolation and then 3) secularization. The methods of “conversion” in the Ottoman Empire was later called “retrenchment”, which was the act of “firing to demote to domesticize”. Hurem, for example, who became the singular wife of Suleiman, replacing Polyandry (multiple spouses) was a priest’s daughter and repeatedly chased, which is a method described specifically in “the seduction industry” of modern times, the 1800’s and even in psychiatric history in the 1500’s. This methods of “religious conversion” followed by illegal hostage-taking is repeatedly described as the stabdard “recruitment” procedure in military processes in any given culture. That was the case for the Romans, it was the case for the Ottomans and many women taken/invited for various purposes during the White slavetrade. The White slavetrade (Agnete Birger Madsen, 2008) from 1870-1925 was replaced by actransition period of nazi published propaganda involving erotisized violence against women performed as a ritual, which historically mimics the description of Ibn Fadladn’s viking, thereby bearing witness to a longstanding practice of kidnapping though sheer deception with the full intention of carrying put an entire prolonged procession of abuse finalized in what is called Snuff; which would be a real murder recorded. That would be a clear violation of not only Human rights, but also of the most basic property laws. Once “consent” starts being mentioned the period of time having lapsed already excludes that as “an argument”. The arguments of “mentally incapable” also Fall outside of eligibility as Well as “criminally insane” once a matter is directly addressed. “Delusional” would require logical argumentation or evidence, and abuse Can be proven. https://www.instagram.com/p/CjhsqqgsKH8/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[goldenpixelcoop-en]

GPC STREAMS (#1)

The beginning is the end is the beginning 24/06 - 08/07/2022 Every evening at GPC Online Screen 09:00 - 09:47 PM in your timezone http://streaming.goldenpixelcoop.com With works by Irene de Andrés, Millonaliu (Klodiana Millona & Yuan Chun Liu) and Endi Tupja, Olena Newkryta Curated by Enar de Dios Rodríguez

During a guided tour at the Monte Titano, it was explained to me that if humans were to understand geology from another temporal perspective, we (humans) could experience a mountain as a wave, always in movement. A similar revelation might occur while observing a place in ruins, a site that suggests endless instability between what has been, what is and what will be. The ruin is a proof of material flux, like memory itself—not what remains but what is remaining (in present continuous). And, in the present moment, which is characterized by planned obsolescence and collapse, ruination is indeed the new normal.

The beginning is the end is the beginning is a collection of audiovisual works that interact with the ruin in contrasting locations (a Soviet residential building in Oleksandriwka, the now demolished National Theater in Tirana, and Glory’s nightclub in Ibiza). Conceived from different personal perspectives, these interactions enable the collapse of linear time: past, present or future become uncertain, perhaps occurring simultaneously. Far from romantic melancholy, they manifest reality, with its processes of gentrification, tourist massification and dispossession of the commons. In these works, as in the world itself, rubble and debris is just a part of a continuum that never ceases to start, or end.

GPC STREAMS is a series of online screenings that take as a starting point one artwork by a member of The Golden Pixel Cooperative, which is combined with artworks by international artists. The aim of these programs is to give visibility to current thematic interests of the cooperative through wider angles and artistic approaches.

PROGRAM 21:00 - 21:25 Ruins in Reverse by Olena Newkryta 21:26 - 21:33 Earthmovers by Millonaliu (Klodiana Millona & Yuan Chun Liu) and Endi Tupja 21:34 - 21:47 GLORY'S. Donde nada ocurre by Irene de Andrés

Olena Newkryta: Ruins in Reverse / AT, UA / 2020 / 24:55 min.

Shot in the steppe-like landscape of southern Ukraine, the short film follows the transformation process of a vacant Soviet residential building. Built according to a standardized Soviet master plan, its layout is slowly being dismantled by individuals, who create new architectures from the extracted modules. Thus, the traces of private biographies and vestiges of past ideologies inscribed into the physical remnants continue to circulate in the community and find their ways into new constructions. Ruins in Reverse addresses this process of appropriation and utilization as a form of material engagement with the past as well as an act of self-empowerment in the present. 

Millonaliu (Klodiana Millona & Yuan Chun Liu) and Endi Tupja: Earthmovers / AL / 2020 / 06:34 min.

Earthmovers is a film essay reflecting on progress, urban development and the dispossession of commons through the lens of extractive violence. Taking the event of the brutal demolition of the National Theater of Tirana and using the bulldozer as a primary object of inquiry, this film essay further reflects how under the grand narrative of (the western constructed notion of) modernity, colonial definitions and practices are still implemented and domesticized in the exploitation of commons.

Irene de Andrés: GLORY'S. Donde nada ocurre / ES / 2016 / min.

The project Donde nada ocurre (Where Nothing Happens) compiles the history of abandoned or temporarily disused nightclubs in Ibiza, Irene de Andrés’ birthplace. One of the five video works from this series has Glory’s as its protagonist: one of Ibiza’s first nightclubs. Its architecture reflected Ibiza’s countless other leisure temples, many of which did not survive the growth of the island’s rampant, money-soaked mass tourist business. In a poetical gesture of resurrection, de Andrés records how techno beats resound amongst the ruins, making the surroundings dance to Nano Vergel’s DJ set.

[theabusediary]

Survivor Confessions (2)

I struggle to say no even when I absolutely need to.

Submit confessions here.

#abuse #quote #survivors #emotional abuse #rape #survivor #depression #rape culture #love #victim #domestice violence

[ablackwomansurvivingrape]

by C. Imani Williams

Last week, WNBA stars Brittney Griner and Glory Johnson were married. The celebrity couple had been in the news two weeks prior when they were both arrested on assault charges following a physical altercation between the two at their Arizona home. As various professional sports associations crack down on domestic violence, it was confirmed on Friday, May 15, 2015 that both women will be suspended for record number of seven games during the upcoming WNBA season.

I don’t know Griner or Johnson personally, but I’m not sure marrying so closely after a domestic violence incident was a good idea. Statistics show that they are likely to have another incident again. And not only that, but many of us are applauding the marriage of two young black celebrity athletes without fully addressing the rarely talked about issue of same-sex intimate partner violence.

Domestic violence in Black, same-gender loving relationships is more common than one may think, though there have not been nearly enough studies done to investigate the causes and effects behind abuse in same-sex relationships. What we do know is that domestic violence affects people of all backgrounds, genders, and sexualities—including Black lesbian, bisexual, and trans women. According to the Michigan Coalition to End Domestic & Sexual Violence, the top reason women in same-sex relationships stay in abusive situations is they fear being “outed”.

Domestic violence is never an easy conversation to talk about within our families and communities. In the case of same-sex domestic violence, the shame is two-fold: (1) a woman may want not to admit the abuse she’s experiencing; and (2) she may be afraid of the homophobic views others carry.

Whether or not you know or love a woman who identifies as LGBTQ, the fact is: We are your sisters. Sadly, many of us feel those in our lives wouldn’t give two f*cks if they knew we were being abused by another woman. This homophobia and lack of empathy excuses perpetrators’ actions and places blame on us for “choosing” to bring abuse on ourselves by being homosexual in the first place.

Intimate partner violence affects women in same-sex relationships slightly more than heterosexual women. However, this may not be widely known, as the topic is rarely discussed within the overall Black community, outside of organizations that serve LGBTQ individuals. This lack of information means women do not receive the support they need most.

Take, for example, the Black Church. Traditionally, the Black Church has provided sanctuary to women and children in need. It has not, however, been at the forefront of protecting women and children from abuse. While the Black Church is slowly coming around to discussing other important issues that affect our community—like the HIV/AIDS pandemic—in most cases, addressing domestic violence remains taboo. When I was in my abusive and short-lived second marriage, my mother practically begged me to not ask for prayer over my “specific” situation during testimony. At the time, I was married to a man, so I can only imagine what she would have said had I been with a woman.

Another reason same-sex intimate partner abuse is severely under-reported, is because many bi-attracted and lesbian women do not disclose their sexual orientation. Health care providers should be, but are not always, aware of the fact that they are treating a patient who identifies as LGBTQ. The lack of practitioners who are trained in cultural responsiveness and inclusivity, and the fact that women may be unwilling to disclose certain information to receive proper services puts Black women at an even higher risk for being victimized by violent partners.

Then there are our own internalized beliefs and biases about relationship violence and gender.

“Shit, ain't no way I'd let a chick slap me!” My friend Janine was becoming visibly upset as she told me about a friend of hers, who was experiencing abuse within her relationship. It was 1993, and I had not yet come out as bi-curious or lesbian.

Our conversation was my first about same-gender domestic violence. Janine's candid language around “two chicks scrapping” was not wasted on me. “We are equals as women, it doesn't make any sense to let another woman beat you down!”

After my coming out in 1999, a friend shared that her partner of nine years put a gun in her mouth while threatening to kill her if she ever left. I had hopes that she would seek counseling and leave her partner. She elected to stay and we fell out of touch. I can only pray she found the strength to leave.

I, too, have been in a same-sex partnership that was both verbally and emotionally abusive. Finally one of us was smart enough to end it, and stay away. At the time, individual counseling should have been my main priority, but it wasn’t. Since then, I have found therapists and clinicians whose skill and empathy were a good match for my growth and healing. With their help, I was able to do the work needed to help me learn and move past the experience.

Later, I would put my master’s degree in counseling to use by helping Black LGBTQ youth and women in various capacities. I organized events for Black same-gender loving people—including Black queer film nights focused on domestic violence within lesbian relationships and community-wide discussions.

In 2003, I served as co-founder of African-Americans and Allies Against Domestic Violence (AAADV), a now defunct Detroit based community initiative to end domestic violence. I worked alongside women warriors from all backgrounds—straight, same-gender loving, Black, white, Latina—to change the number of women being abused. We used marketing strategies to ensure queer Black women received the information they needed about intimate partner violence within same-sex relationships. This required us to step outside of hetero-normative ideas about domestic violence, to ensure queer women understood:

Women can be abusive

Size or appearance does not matter

Smaller/feminine women can also be violent

Abuse can and often does involve, emotional, sexual, and financial exploitation

Children can be used as pawns

Some abusers threaten to “out” partners to family, friends, and co-workers as means of control

With these uncomfortable and difficult conversations, we can begin to transform misunderstandings and misconceptions about same-sex partner violence. Our united front as Black women, regardless of sexual orientation, is required to dismantle abuse. We must demand that same-gender intimate partner violence be included in sexual education curriculum, as LGBTQ youth are here and not going away.

It’s time for the Black community to step up its game when it comes to acknowledging and providing services to same-gender loving sisters. Our lives depend on it.

#Brittney Griner #Glory Johnson #same-sex intimate partner violence #domestice violence #Black LGBTQ community