#disability! hooray!

[toasty-owl-arts]

posting winter gfs when its 35 degrees out <3

#my art #FinchDoodles #doki doki literature club fanart #doki doki literature club #ddlc #monika ddlc #sayori ddlc #sayonika #happy end of pride month ur faves are disabled <3 is it overt here? no but its still there #also pushing my she/it monika headcanon here #none gender left beef #trying out some new stuff with how i color here too #hooray!!

[majorpatheticcas]

I swear I'm gonna post more now that I have a month of freedom (It was oddly comforting while doodling this)

Needed some comfort and mi husbone noticed ╰⁠(⁠⸝⁠⸝⁠⸝⁠´⁠꒳⁠`⁠⸝⁠⸝⁠⸝⁠)⁠╯

#I am still mentally disabled hooray #after long months of stressing school #I missed him and you guys so much #I promise you guys I'll try my best to post here ISHJSHS #simping #insert self x sans #undertale #classic sans #sans undertale #me x my dear husbone 👉👈 #sans #i am still thanking htsan for inspiring me to never give up on this skeleton! #sans au #random #majorpatheticcas #out.

[daz4i]

i love and agree with every mental illness or neurodivergency or physical disability hc anyone has abt any character btw. ESPECIALLY if they're projecting. unironically more ppl should do it

#i think projecting is fine and fun but you gotta do it knowingly and proudly okay? #otherwise you might enter silly arguments and not understand why the other person's not getting it #we should all ask ourselves ''am i projecting rn?'' and if the answer is yes we should go ''yippee! hooray! this is fun'' #ESPECIALLY abt disabilities of any sort. sometimes throwing the ''just like me fr'' ball at a character makes things a little easier #this post was brought to you by: that one guy who keeps posting abt bpd dazai. you're never gonna guess why it does that

[starleska]

oh my God this is such a silly thing to notice, but i think Augustus St. Cloud wears lipgloss? 🙈💖Augustus' lips are always coloured a darker, more pinkish-purple colour than the rest of his skin...except in Maybe No Go when he's in the shower!! i can totally believe this...he's a very well-groomed man, and canonically has lupus - one of the side effects of which is a dry mouth, and which a hydrating lipgloss would help with. between this and the comorbid symptoms from fibromyalgia, i always thought he wore makeup alongside the wigs and glasses to look presentable 👀 like, the goggles in the shower could well be a joke, but i've said before that i think they're for the photophobia/dry eyes that are common in folks with fibro. i figure Augustus is bald, and has sensitive eyes and dry/delicate skin...

#i don't think the V Bros team would forget the lip colouring honestly they're too detail-oriented #hooray for disability rep from the worst fictional character #augustus st. cloud #the venture brothers #venture bros #augustus saint cloud #starleskatalks

[defiant-firefly]

I know it's strike days now so there's a huge focus on boosting Palestinian voices, but I just wanted to share that we finally got my mum in to be checked for cancer today and the doctors said there's nothing to worry about! She's in the clear! Mum's gonna be okay! The relief is HUGE you've no idea!!!

#firefly life #just wanted to share this with literally everyone because this is such a huge relief #she was CONVINCED it was bad to point she was talking about chemotherapies and shit #and how she couldn't do that stuff for various reasons and was worrying about what would happen to me if it was bad #because I'm disabled and she takes care of me #and this was all such a fucking mess #I figured out the econsult system and how it actually works with it's misleading messages #(like the 'we are at capacity! please try again at 8am tomorrow morning!' when it's 8:15am.) #(it's just the message they use for everything. they ony actually allow so many people to go through the econsult at a time) #(they're not out of appointments or anything that's just the only message they use for EVERYTHING in case you were wondering) #and now mum's apparently clear!! #do we know what the lump actually is? no. but we know it's not cancer!!! winning!!! #the RELIEF man!!! HUGE!!! #just HAD to share it here too cause it's so important #my mum's okay!!! hooray!!! yippee!!! wahoo!!! :D #one crisis averted today!!!

[crownofstardustandbone]

Hey y’all, I’m a tired, disabled, queer grad student who could really use some help making ends meet! If you’d like a moodboard for any ship, check out my previous work HERE to see what I do. Donations will be taken through my kofi, and if you can’t help that way (I don’t want you to if you’re in a tight spot too!!!) please help me out with a reblog.

#fandom #moodboards #signal boost #ship ship hooray #proship #actually disabled #help a queer out #ship moodboard #writing #fic writing #fic moodboard #please boost

[maidenvault]

I’m really starting to hope everything fucked up with my brain recently is long Covid (even though I’ve never had a symptomatic case) because otherwise I’m just losing my gd mind and my memory has declined extremely noticeably just in the past six months or so.

#I’ve always been really absent minded but stuff that’s not like me is happening #and besides that I have episodes where even watching a movie feels like too much thinking and I just want to stare at a wall #and forget about writing #maybe this is just getting old 🙃 hooray #anyway fuck people who say to me ‘I can’t understand you with your mask on’ #I’m already disabled sorry I don’t want more covid

[brood-me-daddy]

I had a one on one with my lead at work today and the topic of managing NDs/disabled people came up. He was like I've been trying to be more accommodating and I'm halfway through that article you sent (I sent it months ago) but nobody sees that I'm trying and you have to share more info about your needs (I've already shared more than I should have).

Me: I'm sorry, but no. Putting that on the person with the disability isn't fair. You have to make the effort to learn more and put in the work because there are plenty of resources out there now. If you're saying you've been trying and I'm telling you I haven't noticed and have seen absolutely no changes than you have to try harder. Like, if you saw a person in a wheelchair would you make them build their own ramp to a door?

Him: well no but at the same time that person would ask for help.

Me: so you're saying if you saw this person in their wheelchair you wouldn't automatically think oh I bet that person needs a ramp to get to the door?

Him: well... No.

Me: well that's a problem. Do better.

#One on ones are HRs solution for someone telling their boss to fuck off #I'm someone #hooray for meltdowns at work #Can't get accommodations without a doctor's note #I didn't know compassion was an accommodation #self diagnosed autistic #ADHD #disability #work rant #neurodivergent

[vaguely-problematic]

respect for marriage act

For advocates of the Respect for Marriage Act and the White House, Tuesday was a big day. But the bill's potential impact is limited.

"No, I am not celebrating," Jim Obergefell, of the Obergefell case that won the right to same-sex marriage, said on CNN.

This bill does not guarantee the right to marry. It makes it so that other states have to recognize same-sex [and interracial] marriages across state lines and that same-sex [and interracial] couples are entitled to the same federal benefits of any other married couple, like Social Security survivor benefits.

"I will say I'm happy that at least something has been done, something that we will have to fall back on should the Supreme Court overturn Obergefell in the future, but[.]"

----

But.

it's really fucking heartbreaking to see how quickly suddenly our rights can be taken away because (for one reason) of a lack of safeguards (as when roe vs. wade was overturned). so, safeguards are good and i'm glad we managed to sign this bill into law.

but the bill really does rub your face into the fact that the reason we don't have safegeuards is because there are people in this country who are still fighting against the bare fucking minimum of human rights for marginalized communities- and they (and the next generation of them) will spend their lives doing so in determined campaigns, doing as much damage as they possibly can, with no compunction

and even the politicians who fight >for< those rights can barely ever agree enough to put the bare minimum of those rights into law, and only then with popular support and grassroots campaigns urging them for years and years to do so- and then only if it is convenient and expedient for them personally

all of which is to say

that despite many (state) laws written against same-sex marriage and interracial marriage etc, which were mostly overturned decades later,

they have not enshrined the right to marry in any federal law

and it doesn't even seem possible that they will do so in the next ten years if ever 🤷‍♂️

#hooray for the bare minimum #your marriage can't be nullified by crossing state lines #what if the state you live in was the state you were married in and it changes its laws?? we shouldn't have to worry about this shit #if the supreme court overturns your right to get married then great news! you get to fight that damn fight all over again. state by state #marriage equality #yet another article/ act on marriage equality where they didn't even mention disabled people #living in the u.s.a. #u.s. politics #this dystopian nightmare of a country #u.s. supreme court #respect for marriage act #obergefell v. hodges #loving v. virginia #know your history #here's a primer on the recent evolution f public opinion and politicians on same-sex and interracial marriage in the u.s. #basically we have a long fucking way to go. #“successful baby step i guess” #“grain of salt” #“they haven't even passed the equal rights act ffs. 'women are equally as human as men' nope that's still too fucking radical 🙄”

[astrxealis]

good morning! <3

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #everytime i look at my theme or pfp. ahgghhhhhh happy happy ... raha beloved #KDHSJDJ we arrived at school early hooray! <3 hmmhmh and. xiv thoughts for today .......... #uhm. sound team is SO fucking good for xiv. heard its really genuinely accessible? all that yeah? really good #i cant rmbr what other ppl say but from experience i can DEFINITELY attest to that. considering i use glasses for obvious reasons and my #attention span and shit is kind of bad and i might have adhd but idk at all. xiv's sound effects seriously help me #like. i can do ultimates and savage and even if all that ywah for me is Not That Good. i can do hard content prwtty easily #ignoring that mechs can be hard ofc KFJDKD ... and optimization ... yeah!! i can concentrate even w/o rhat good focus. if that makes sense #and i love rhat this game. in general. is really accessible for disabled people! with the ui and sound effects both. really love that. and #its also more soloable now so for people who yeah thats good too! idk. they canr ofc cater to aeceryone perfectly (tho nothing is perfect) #like say w raiders :') but they do a pretty damn good job overall. man. amazing #handicapped people can literally complete ultimates! if you know who im specifically talking abt yeahh hehe. its a skill issue fr if you #cant do ultimates LMAO ppl who play w one hand can literally clear and minors like me who have shit focus and eyesight ^^ #idk :O soken yeah yeah and all yeah djhfkend I FORGOT THE DETAILS but this has alrdy been said b4! so yeah! just my thoughts for thhis morn #hehehe. tbh i dont rlly have problems w the sound effects except for a bit when it comes to dnc/brd when the gauge/s fill up to max :O ? #it might be diff now tho. but yeah the sounds really serve as amazing cues. they definitelt work well for me personally

[idkwhatimdoingbutimgonnacontinue]

Woo got food stamps. Just gotta verify my rent with either the lease or my landlords signature.

#hooray food #itll be a bit before i get the actual card but it'll make me worry less about running out of money #im still hoping to get disability but itll be april before my hearing and god knows how many months it'll take for them to actually mail the #decision

[kittencomicslol]

Gyutaro rant because IM LITERALLY IN LOVE WITH GYUTARO SHABANA OH MY GOD

LOOK AT HIM

LOOK HOW FUCKING PERFECT HE IS OH MY GOD IM GOING INSANE JES SO PERFECT WTF

HES SO FUCKING UGHHHH I WANNA HPLD HIM CLOSE AND KISS EVERY ONE O HIS PRETTY BORTH MARKS AND TELL HIM HOW PRETTY AND PERFECT HE IS AND I JUST WANNA UGHHH

I HAVE SO MANY DETAILED LITTLE HEADCANNONS ABOIT HOW HE WOULD PREFER/LIKE TO SNUGGLE AND OR SHPW AFFECTION IM ALWAYYYS THINKING OF HIM ❤️❤️❤️ LIKE WOULD U GUYS WANT TO SEE THEM??? ID LIKE TO SHARE THEM

I WANNA RUN MY HAND ALONG HIS WEIRD SPINE BIT NOT IN A WEIRD WAY ITS JUST COOL AND IT MAKES ME GO

AND THE WAY HIS RIBS

UGH

ME WHEN THE CHARACTERS RIBS ARE VISIBLE UGHHH ITS JUUUUHGHHGGG

I HAVE HIS LITTLE SPOTS MEMORIZED(at least from the front angle, thr back isn’t rlly memorized)

BIT I SWEAR LIKE I GET STREASWD OR UPSET AND I THINK ABOUT HIM LOKE

OH MY GOD CAN WE APPRECIATE THE KNY ACADEMY VER OF HIM??? LIKE I KNOW I CONSTANTLY TALK ABOIT HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE MOTERCYCLE RIDERS BIT HE IS AN ACCEPTION AND NOW SEEING THEM MAKES ME THINK OF HIM WAAA ❤️❤️❤️

AS SOMEONE WHO DOESNT REALLY GET TO LIKE. EXPERIENCE REGULAR SCHOOL BC OF MY DISABILITY AND BC I DONT RLLY GET ALOT OF PJSYICAL ATTENTIPN IRL THE FICKING ENDLESS SEA OF IDEAS I CAN MAKE IP W MODERN GYU SWOOPS ME OFF MY FEET!!

I SO APPRECIATE THE RARITY(or honestly it’s getting more common >_<) OF WHEN HE SHOWS UP IN OR IS PRESENT IN MY DREAMS BC GAHHHH!!!! MY WIFE!!

HES MT FAV I LOVE HIM MY FAV FAV FAV MY LOVEE

Haters will say it’s not true but I just know if he was real he would love me(this is a joke if he was real I know this man would not like me) BUT I CAN DREAM I CAN DREAM I CAN DREAM

This is so me and him coded tbh

I love him I love him I LOVE HIM 🗣️🗣️🗣️ RAHHH NORMALIZE BEING IN LOVE WITH AND BEING HAPPY ABOIT AND BEING HYPERFIXATIED FICTIONAL CHARACTERS BC GUHHH IS SO NICE GOOD FEELING YES THUMBS UP HOORAY!!!

#demon slayer #gyutaro #demonslayer #gyutaro demon slayer #kimestu no yaiba #kny #gyutaro shabana #gyutaro brainrot #I love gyutaro oh my god #Hyperfixation #i love gyutaro i love him sooo #he’s my wife #adhd hyperfixation #positive rant #hyperfixation rant #comfort character #rambling so crazy rn

[shapeshiftersvt]

Big Update Post

Hiya, shapeshifters!

We have some announcements to make this evening.

Here’s the short of it:

The Shapeshifters website will be temporarily down this Sunday evening, March 3, 2024 at Midnight EST.

When it comes back up, you’ll find a shiny new website that is organized the same way with a couple of exceptions.

The Off-the-Rack Sale and Holographic listings will be temporarily delisted.

The Goth listings will be renamed. You will find Rainbow Constellations, Monster Mouths, and a couple of new options listed under Cosmic Horror.

The Skin Tone listings will have brand new additional color skin tone options!

The Island Time listings will also have a new option available.

The Binding 101 FAQ will be rolled into its own section in the FAQ.

There will be a brand new Events Page!

The blog will be temporarily disabled.

If you’re curious about the long of it, keep reading.

For everyone else, we appreciate your patience during this transition! Like so many other transitions, we’re delighted about where it’s going. 

Website Downtime

Shapeshifters is finally moving to Shopify! We’ve done a lot of work over the past few months building a more organized, streamlined website that will be easier to access for you and update for us. On Sunday night, we’ll shut down the current website to pause orders so that we can migrate everything cleanly.

Off-the-Rack and Holographic Listings

The Off-the-Rack listings will be delisted to give us a chance to reorganize the remaining stock so we don’t accidentally double-sell anything. 

The Holographic listings will be delisted while we assess our fabric options. Long-time customers might notice that we’ve removed Liquid Metal and Oil Slick from the Holo listings; we’re sourcing replacements and new options throughout spring. Once we know our options, we’ll either re-launch the Holo listings, or move the currently available fabric Prism to another home so it won’t be all alone anymore.

If you’ve been eyeing either Prism or an Off-the-Rack, buy it before Sunday if you can!

Expanded Skin Tone Range

We’re very excited to announce three new skin tone options will be available after the website migration: Pine, Chestnut, and Laurel! Pine is a pale shade, while Chestnut and Laurel are both on the darker end of the spectrum.

And, the new and improved Skin Tone listings will be the perfect place to see the results of our latest photoshoot! We’re excited for y’all to get to see these photos around the site and on the listings. We sought out models of color with darker skintones both to fill a gap in the modeled photos in our listings, and to show off our darker skin tones. All of our models were amazing, our photographer was great, and the photos are fantastic! We really leaned into the cozy Vermont vibes for this one.

Events Page

We’re going to events again! Hooray!

And we’re not just going to conventions and conferences and Pride festivals. We’re also talking queer markets, fashion shows, and binder sewing workshops!

That’s right, some lucky folks in the New England area will have the opportunity to take an in-person class with Eli, our head tailor and the developer of our DIY Binder Sewing Kits. They will walk you, step-by-step, through sewing your own custom-sized binder and help you troubleshoot along the way. These workshops are designed for sewists of any level and do not require you to own a sewing machine.

If you’d like to host a sewing workshop or would like to have us at any other event, educational, celebratory, fashionable or otherwise, please contact us!

Thanks once again  for bearing with us during this transition and we can’t wait for you all to see the new site!

#chest binders #shapeshifters #events #pride #skin tone chest binders #sewing workshops #how to sew binders

[chronicallyuniconic]

Barriers I face for appointments

Great, you spent years fighting for your appointments, now you got them. Except the hospital you have to go to is 20 miles away, a 1hr 45 minute train and bus journey, a 25 minute car ride.

Twenty miles really isn't that far. 1hr 45 minutes travel time isn't that bad for the journey. A 25 minute drive is pretty easygoing. For someone who isn't ill that is.

I'm not allowed to drive for a start, it is illegal because of seizures, I had to return my license and until I'm seizure free for at least 12 months, maybe then I can have it back.

Someone like me, cannot manage 1hr 45 minutes on a train and a bus. Sitting up for 30 minutes, is too much for me. Like my body, is physically not capable of sitting up like that. You're generally not allowed to lie down on the floor of a moving bus or train.

Walking between the stops, to catch my next leg of the journey, is not possible. It will take me 3 times longer than an abled person. I will have to stop, every few steps. I will be in pain & out of breath, exhausted. My legs will end up turning into jelly, will bend like rubber and completely collapse underneath me.

You know that big step up there always is, between the train platform, the gap and the train? Yeah I can't do that anymore. It's too high. You think they roll out the ramp for little me? Ha!

So say I walked all that way, I caught the bus somehow, I walked again and I managed to somehow get on the train. I get off at my destination and I have to walk again, for '16 minutes.' times that by 2 or 3 and we're looking at 30 to 50 minutes.

I'm at the hospital. I'm in tears. I'm on the verge of passing out. My body is d o n e. [I could collapse in a heap and they will just say I'm dehydrated]

I go through the appointment as arranged. (Hooray?) I spent all this time waiting and finally it's happened. I hope it reveals answers this time. I hope it provides some insight into my physical and mental states. I feel hope.

But now I have to get home..

[you bet your a$$ I'm getting a taxi/lift and will be lay strapped across the backseats like a creepy little car goblin, another costly expense (£65 return journey compared to £12 public transport), a kind of disability tax, for being f***ing ILL]

#chronic life #chronic pain #chronic illness #chronically ill #chronic fatigue #spoonie problems #chronic disability #disability #cripple punk #mini rant #disabled life #Disabled barriers #barriers #actually disabled #physically disabled #i'm so tired #fibromyalgia #myalgic encephalomyelitis #multiple sclerosis #Seizures

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #08 & #07

08. MOLDOVA Pasha Parfeni - "Soarele și luna" 18th place

Decade rank: 28/116 [above Trenuletul, below Gjon's Tears]

"With friend and foe, we march to the battle plain

Some to seek success, others to seek fame

We play with honour, for the love of this game

So that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name." -- Benjamin "Coach" Wade

No surprises here, I would hope. Pasha may have aged 11 years since his last appearance but he is still the same weird, irreverent stoner king he has always been. Perhaps even moreso than before, now that he's openly become the Eurovision equivalent to Coach in both style and substance.😍

Pasha delivered not more, not less, but exactly what I thought and hoped he would.

First of all, the song is just really fucking good. It sounds (very complimentary) like something you would hear in a Vidbir final. Maybe a follow-up to Kadnay's Beat of the Universe, remember that one? (Melovin's BIGGEST crime is robbing us of Kadnay, Lelya AND the minotaur girl because zomg uwu quirky theatre kid) (lmao the way I totally would have been okay with Dreamer and put it high on my 2024 list, cuz he ate that) (um, hypothetically ofc). Vidbir sound-alike is huge praise for a country that normally takes the role of a Schrödinger's qualifier and it was nice to for once know exactly what we were getting here.

REEEEEYNE N FYAAAAAAAA GAEDE MEHEEHEEEEEE

And here we get to the delivery of the song and, I mean, it's Moldova. How else are they going to tackle a song about pagan wedding ceremonies?

Moldova don't care about your stupid "wokeness". (good grief the (unselfaware) ableists freaking out about the little person. ALLOW PEOPLE MAKE A LIVING THE WAY THEY WISH TO, GOOD GRIEF. Dwarfism is not a cognitive disability, they have full agency to work in the entertainment industry. Stop behaving like they need you to emancipate against "the oppressive straight white cismale".)

Moldova don't care about trifles such as appearing "competent" to your insipid juries.

MOLDOVA IS REAL, always aiming fully maximize their entertainment factor for the lowest possible cost, and thank fuck they do.

Only this country could stage their performer as karate-chopping at a little person and make it light entertainment.

Only this country could take a quirky, Ukraine-coded electrofolk fusion and stage it like a weird grotesquerie,

Only this country could bring irreverence with such unerring earnesty.

"Soarele si luna" was a yet another solid showcase of what Moldova excell at, raw intuitive entertainment with no strings attached. Of course, we're in 2023 and being fun doesn't matter in the overal rankings. The least I can do in those cases is give a high spot to those who've been paid dirt the most.~

---------------------------------

07. LITHUANIA Monika Linkyte - "Stay" 11th place

Decade ranking: 25/116 [Above Stefania (Last Dance), below Sam Ryder]

HOORAY FOR YET ANOTHER YEAR OF LITHUANIA AT THE TOP OF MY BALTIC SISTER RANKING~

(enjoy it for the moment lithuanian readers, because a certain song about narcotics is threatening to take that crown away in 2024...x)

We have finally reached a point where the placements on my ranking more or less match the scoreboard, praise hallelujah. Of the robbed outsiders only Joker Out remain, and they're here to stay. :dramatic cymbal:

Speaking of both Outsiders and Stay, Lithuania were also kind of an outsider at first. After Monika beat Ruta Mur in PiN, I didn't think they would come close to a top 10 - clearly So Low was The Choice, Right? I honestly I don't know if I can feel that way any more. "Stay" aged really well. Ruta is an icon, but she did not have the Monika's secret weapon. She did not have -

ČIŪTOOO TŪŪŪTOOO

ČIŪTOOO TŪŪŪTOOO

ČIŪTOOO TŪŪŪTOOO

And what is "Stay" if not čūitooooo tūūūtoooo. Like legit, those two words, that's ALL it took. Those two words, that mantra, repeated over and over and over again, is what endeared her to me and juries (this is Lithuania. LITHUANIA. and juries liked them.).

Adding more čiūto tūto such a simple, elegant tweak, but one that Monika masterfully delivered. The hook is as strong as steel, but it is her charisma and her harmonies with the gospel choir which bent it into pure wholesomeness.

"Stay" is not the strongest composition, but it was an effective one. What it did exceptionally well was deliver the home comforts. The song is blanket, a fleece, a cuddle. It's the musical equivalent to eating a hearty meal by a lit fireplace, leaning against the warm body of your beau or belle. It is the spirit of Nature Is Healing in music form. It is a mental health balm covered by a mantle čiūto tūto. Lithuania earned their spot on the left side of the scoreboard and that's about as positive a surprise we're gonna get with these darksided results.

THE RANKING

#Eurovision #ESC #Eurovision Song Contest #ESC 2023 #Eurovision 2023 #Liverpool 2023 #Borisbubbles #Moldova #Pasha Parfeni #Soarele si luna #Lithuania #Monika Linkyte #Stay

[chen-chen-chen-again-chen]

Hi, hello, hola, it's me! This is not a WIP Wednesday post (well, the WIP is always me), but it's something.

First off, thank you thank you thank you to all the beautiful people who messaged me, or commented, or tagged me in things, or even just thought kind warm thoughts at me while I've been away and not writing. Brain not working good enough to sort through the things and tag properly but you know the drill - I love you all.

Here are things I did while I wasn't writing AKA while I have Big Sad Brain:

I visited London, and had a great time - eating delicious food, flat-sitting, visiting old haunts, picking up new ones, spending time with friends, and watching too much Shakespeare. The salted beef bagels in Brick Lane are still unparalleled, there were daffodils everywhere, and I brought home too much tea but not enough biscuits.

I buzzed my hair short again, and as EarlobeGreyTea said, "it really moved your energy from bisexual to lesbian," and then followed up with, "I'm glad that I, a man, could explain your sexuality to you"

I read a lot. I read The Locked Tomb series (I'm obsessed) and fell down a danmei pit (I have consumed SVSSS and MDZS but not yet TGCF) and I have spicy hot takes on why I did not enjoy The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo or The Starless Sea. I re-read all of Ann Leckie's books. I read The Future is Disabled in a Socialist bookshop in London, and I cried so fucking hard that the gentleman in the shop asked me if I was okay. I read The Song of Achilles and Circe and wandered down the labyrinth of getting really, really into Greek myth.

Speaking of: I bought an ROG Ally (horrible name, hate it, but the console itself is fine, it's like a more versatile Steam Deck) and I played Hades. So much Hades. So. Much. Hades. And every time I met Patroclus in Elysium, I bawled, "He's so SAD! He's such a SAD MAN! I need to make him UN-SAD!"

I finally finished the godforsaken Totoro cross-stitch pictured above. As soon as I framed it, I held it up to my spouse and said, "Could a depressed person make THIS?" and he said, "Yes" and then "Good job," because he's a lamb.

When I had energy, I cooked. I learned how to make carrot ginger dressing and shogayaki, and how to velvet pork. I made some of my standbys, like applesauce pancakes and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and felt very Smug and Very Adult for putting frozen cookie dough into my freezer so Future Me could have cookies. I introduced my family to Uncle Roger and I've never heard my mother (1) get so angry and (2) laugh so hard. When I couldn't cook, I ate food that someone else made, and it was enough to celebrate: I ate a meal! I ate food! I fed a me! Hooray!

I spent time with my beautiful friends. I spent time with my beautiful family. They are so good and they have been with me through so many tough things and depressive episodes, through bullshit and drama and tears, like that time I screaming-yelled at someone over the phone (they deserved it) during an engagement party at the cabin and then I had to walk out and pretend to be Normal and got drunk on a lot of Old Fashioneds.

I grew things. Flowers and vegetables and herbs and I accidentally made a great home for some very invasive weeds. The squirrels left only one sunflower alone (they ate the rest), but even now in mid-October, there are still bright coral-red flares of peppery nasturtium, and feathery pale pink zinnias from my caretaker at work (who is an angel), and gigantic, blue-tipped borage. My best friend moved in down the street from me, so she's only a five-minute walk away, and now I can pick flowers and stick them in a vase and walk them over to her, and I love it. I grew too many tomatoes (they got..... scary. My favourite were the heirloom tomatoes, as big as my fist, that remind me of my Lolo) and forgot about the cucumbers (they got lewd) and let myself get coaxed into growing three different kinds of mint: chocolate, grapefruit, and berries & cream (because I'm a little lad who loves berries and cream).

I bullied my spouse into watching Practical Magic with me the other evening and every time That Fucking Cop came on screen, he said, "That Fucking Cop! This movie would be good but there's too much of That Fucking Cop in it" and I felt so v i n d i c a t e d

I tried to write. I tried to write. I tried to write. I tried to write, and then let go of trying to write and just let myself do all the other things that make up living, try to amend the soil so that something good can grow there again. I tried to talk myself out of unhappiness but it's funny how that doesn't work, how only hard-fought kindness has helped me trudge out of the swamp, again and again and again.

I had one of those moments recently that felt like it could have been in one of my stories. At Thanksgiving dinner, I was sitting next to my little half-sister-in-law (a mouthful, I know). She is seven and she lost her dad two years ago and she said, "I wish my dad was here." And I said, "I know, honey. I think we all do." And she said, "I miss his piano playing," because her dad used to play piano the other way someone else might doodle on a napkin - absentmindedly, brilliantly, while wearing a faded green apron and with a dishtowel thrown over his shoulder, in between checking if the roast was up to temp and pouring someone a glass of wine. Always red wine, from the Piedmont region, which is where my spouse's Nonna is from. I asked my little half-sister-in-law, "Do you think you'll learn how to play piano?" and she said, "I don't know," and I said, "It's okay not to know." And then she asked, "Do you have a Gothita?" and we went back to talking about Pokemon, which we had been talking about for a conservative 90% of the dinner.

I wrote this. I wrote this and it felt good to feel my fingers moving, it felt good to have words spilling from me, it felt good to have faith in words again, that the words could be something good, could do something good, that the worlds could just be and it could be good, and that I could just be, and that could be good. Just being could be good. Even if I never wrote another word ever again, just being would be good. As I said to one of my friends many years ago during some deep dark down shitty times, "It's hard work, being human. Thank you for doing the work."

Take care. I love you all. ❤️❤️❤️

#long post #ramblings #trying to get back on my bullshit