Just let me help
Kouji was staring at the whiteboard, but he wasn’t listening to the teacher. The notebook he was taking notes in was empty infront of him, except a small knife he had drawn in the corner before the teacher started talking.
Kouichi was staring at Kouji. He was trying to listen to the teacher, but the way Kouji’s eyes seemed fixed on something behind the whiteboard worried him.
Are you okay? he wrote on a small note and put on Kouji’s notebook.
Kouji blinked, looked at the note and looked at the whiteboard again. He grabbed the note and put it in his pocket. Kouichi kept staring at him.
Kouji? he wrote on another note and put on Kouji’s notebook.
Kouji glanced at him, drew a gravestone in the notebook and looked through the whiteboard again. That did not fill Kouichi with confidence. Was Kouji angry at him?
He tried to focus on the teacher again. Wrote some keywords in his notebook, but had no idea what the keywords meant. He’d have to look at Izumi’s notes after class.
Kouji sighed. Kouichi’s focus shifted from the teacher and he stared at Kouji again instead.
He glanced at the clock and looked back to Kouji. Class would end soon, he just had to be patient. He wrote another couple of words in his notebook.
Talk after class? he asked Kouji via another note.
Kouji didn’t even look at it, just grabbed it and put it in his pocket. It was probably for the best, the teacher didn’t allow them to send notes during class. Kouichi glanced at the clock again. 15 minutes left.
-------
”Did I do something?” Kouichi asked when class finally ended and the teacher had left the room.
Kouji blinked. His movements seemed slower than usually and Kouichi clenched his hands. Something was wrong. Kouji turned to looked at Kouichi and tilted his head slightly.
”...what?”
”Did I do something wrong?” Kouichi repeated. ”Are you mad at me?”
Kouji still didn’t seem quite present. He put his elbows on the desk and put his head in his hands. Kouichi moved his chair closer.
”You’re fine”, Kouji muttered through his hands. ”Brain’s an asshole.”
”Oh.”
Kouichi’s shoulders relaxed. He lifted a hand to squeeze Kouji’s shoulder, but reconsidered.
”What’s it doing?”
”Promise you won’t worry.”
Well, that was worrying. Kouichi stared at Kouji. Kouji turned towards Kouichi.
”You’re worrying”, he said.
”Well…” Kouichi gestured at Kouji. ”Hard not to.”
Kouji looked away again.
”...Depression’s getting worse”, he said.
Kouichi could tell it wasn’t what he had been planning to say first, but he didn’t comment on that. He bit his lip and grabbed his pen, just to have something in his hands.
”Anything I can do?”
Kouji took a shaky breath and shook his head. He put his arms on the desk and rested his head against them.
”Doctor says it’s just because I’m a teenager now. Need to get used to it.”
”Your doc is a quack.”
Kouji almost smiled. Kouichi had to take that as a win this time. He sat back in his desk just as the next teacher arrived.
-------
It was the next day. Kouji was smiling and laughing and talking with people. Kouichi watched him. Something about Kouji’s movements felt off, but he couldn’t tell what.
”Is he okay?” Izumi asked and sat down at Kouji’s desk next to Kouichi.
Kouichi jumped in his seat and Izumi laughed. He turned to her, tried not to focus too much on the slight shiver in Kouji’s voice.
”Kouji?”
”He seems… sad?”
Kouichi looked at Kouji again. He was still smiling. According to everything Kouichi knew about how people behaved, Kouji was happy. Kouichi bit his lip and glanced at Izumi.
”...yeah. What made you think so though?”
Izumi tilted her head. Kouichi scratched the back of his.
”I mean, I can tell there’s something off, but I can’t tell what? He acts so happy.”
”Yeah, that’s just it”, Izumi said. ”He’s acting.”
She nudged Kouichi.
”And how are you doing?”
”Worrying a little too much, I think. Had trouble sleeping last night.”
Kouji looked at him, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Kouichi tried to smile back and Kouji returned to whatever conversation he was participating in.
”There’s just something final about how he’s acting”, Izumi said.
Kouichi’s stomach hurt at that. Izumi also looked worried. She put her backpack on the desk as Kouji left the group.
”I’m sitting here today”, she said with a smile. ”You can take my desk.”
Kouji’s smile faltered. Kouichi stared at him, opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say.
”That’s fine”, Kouji said, but his voice was tense. ”It’s not like Kouichi and I are glued together at the hip.”
”Sometimes you are”, Izumi laughed.
”In our defense, we’re twins”, Kouji said, also with a laugh.
Kouichi needed to say something, but he had no words. Kouji headed towards Izumi’s desk.
”Sleepover”, Kouichi said and Kouji stopped.
”...what?”
Kouichi blushed and looked at his hands.
”Do you wanna sleep at my place tonight? I think it’d make mom happy. We can ask the rest of the gang as well?”
He just needed to keep Kouji near. Keep an eye on him. Izumi was right about there being something final about his acting. Kouji stared at him.
”It’s Thursday.”
”Yeah, I know. But it would be fun.”
”Maybe…” Kouji hesitated. He looked away. ”Maybe on Saturday.”
Kouichi let out a sigh.
”Sleepover sounds fun, actually”, Izumi agreed. ”Even if we’ll probably spend most time studying for the test tomorrow.”
”We could make a game out of it”, Kouichi suggested.
Kouji stared at them. Izumi laughed.
”If you answer a question wrong we put a popcorn inside your shirt.”
”Oh, eww”, Kouichi cringed. ”Anything but that!”
Kouji’s shoulders fell and he put his hands in his pockets.
”Fine, sleepover sounds fun. Are you inviting Takuya as well?”
”Unless you don’t want me to?” Kouichi asked.
”I don’t care”, Kouji shrugged.
He absolutely cared, Kouichi could tell that much. He just couldn’t tell in which direction Kouji cared. Izumi leaned back dramatically.
”Takuya’s just going to eat all the popcorns and then we’d have to do strip-study instead.”
She shuddered and Kouichi snorted.
”No Takuya, got it.”
Izumi laughed and stood up from the chair. She gave Kouji a sideway hug and he got tenser again.
”You can have your desk, I need to talk with Rin anyway. See you two at lunch!”
She disappeared to her desk and Kouji sat down at his own. He put his backpack under the desk and a notebook on it. Kouichi stared at him.
”Are you okay?” he asked.
The teacher arrived. Kouji shrugged and smiled at Kouichi.
”Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked.
Yeah, Kouichi thought and tilted his head. Why wouldn’t Kouji be okay? He grabbed his pencil and opened his notebook. Maybe he’d get some answers later.
-------
Kouji was late. Kouichi walked around the bench Izumi was sitting on for the tenth time. His stomach ached more and more for every minute.
”You’re making me worried”, Izumi said. ”Can you please sit down?”
”Should we ask Junpei to come?” Kouichi asked when the thought hit him. ”Junpei is usually pretty good at reaching Kouji.”
He realized it was a stupid suggestion the moment it left his mouth. Izumi shook her head to confirm it.
”He’ll get overwhelmed if we pull that on him today I think.”
She was right, of course. Izumi knew the twins way too well by now and Kouichi sank down next to her with a sigh. He just wanted to be able to help. Or at least relieve his own worry.
”Maybe we could set them up for a date tomorrow after school”, Izumi said with a mischievous smile.
”Kouji won’t talk with me for a week if we pull that.”
Kouichi pulled his hands across his face. He really didn’t need to worry so much, he was sure of it. Kouji would tell him if something was wrong. And Satomi and Kousei were also there to keep an eye on him. Kouichi stood up and walked around the bench again.
Kouji was half an hour late when he finally arrived. Kouichi crossed his arms over his chest and stared at him.
”What took you so long?!”
”Sensei needed to have a talk with me”, Kouji groaned and sank down on the bench next to Izumi. ”I was too aggressive during practice. Why are you standing up?”
”Waiting for you”, Kouichi said and gave Kouji a shove. ”Move over so I can sit too.”
Kouji moved closer to Izumi and Kouichi sat down as well. He could breathe a little easier now that Kouji was there.
”Did you hurt someone?” Izumi asked, disbelief strong in her voice.
Kouji shook his head. Kouichi raised an eyebrow.
”Then what was the problem?”
”I was provoking them”, Kouji admitted and stood up. ”Are we gonna move? I don’t want to spend the whole evening at school.”
”Yeah, yeah, sure”, Kouichi answered.
He and Izumi stood up as well and the three of them left school together, stopping by at Izumi’s apartment on the way so she could get all the things she needed for a sleepover.
-------
Kouji disappeared into the bathroom after dinner, while Kouichi and Izumi sat down in the couch and started writing down questions for the game. Kouichi tried to ignore the gnawing feeling in his stomach. Kouji was fine. Kouji was right there. Kouji was…
After fifteen minutes Kouichi got up from the couch and knocked on the bathroom door.
”Kouji? Are you… How long are you gonna stay in there?”
”You don’t need to worry so much.”
”I’m not worrying.”
He was a terrible liar, but it didn’t matter.
”I’m not going to come in, but can you unlock the door? No one’s gonna bother you, I promise.”
”You’re such a worry-wart”, Kouji said with a laugh.
The laugh was a little too high-pitched to be convincing, but the door unlocked. Kouichi let out a relieved sigh.
”Thank you.”
He left. He could heard the door lock again when he was almost out of hearing distance and he bit his lip. He sat back down in the couch and grabbed his book. Izumi glanced at him, but continued working.
”He’ll be fine tonight”, she said. ”We’re here for him.”
Kouichi nodded and wrote down some new questions. The sound of the door locking still echoed in his ears. He swallowed and tried not to think about it.
-------
”Kouji?” Kouichi asked and knocked on the bathroom door.
It had been another 30 minutes and Kouji still hadn’t come out. Kouichi’s worry was almost exploding into panic and he could hear it in his own voice. The door unlocked, but didn’t open.
”...Can you get me my backpack?” Kouji asked.
His voice trembled and Kouichi’s worry skyrocketed.
”Why? What’s wrong? What do you need?”
”...my backpack.”
”Can I do something?”
He could hear Kouji put his head against the door. Ops.
”Just get my backpack.”
It did not go unnoticed that he didn’t tell Kouichi to stop worrying. Kouichi’s stomach cramped and he took a shaky breath.
”One backpack coming”, he said and he hoped Kouji couldn’t hear the tremble in his voice.
He went back to the living room and grabbed Kouji’s backpack. Izumi looked at him and tilted her head.
”Is he okay?”
Kouichi shook his head and his stomach hurt again. Izumi bit her lip. Kouichi wanted to say something, but instead he left. He stopped by the bedroom to pick up a pyjamas for Kouji and then delivered the backpack and pyjamas to the bathroom.
”Do you need anything else?” he asked when Kouji grabbed the backpack and pyjamas.
Kouji quickly closed the door again and Kouichi was left talking to the wall.
”...this is shortsleeved”, Kouji noted.
”Yeah. I’d… prefer if you used that.”
Kouji once again didn’t tell him to stop worrying. Kouichi swallowed.
”So, did you need anything else?”
”...can you have tea ready in ten minutes?”
Kouichi lit up. Kouji was at least feeling well enough to join them soon.
”Will do! I’ll make your favorite.”
Izumi’s face relaxed a bit when Kouichi returned. Kouichi assumed he must be looking a bit less worried.
”I’m gonna make tea for us”, he said and gave Izumi a hug. ”Can you make the popcorn? I always burn those.”
”Yeah, absolutely”, Izumi said and stood up from the couch. ”I need a break anyway.”
-------
Kouji’s hands shook as he emptied the backpack onto the floor. He exchanged the toilet paper he had wrapped around his left arm for a bandage, grabbed the water bottle he always carried in his backpack as well as his phone and sank down on the floor. He leaned against the bathtub and shook the bottle to make sure it was mixed evenly before drinking half of it.
His hands were still shaking when he dialed Junpei’s number.
”What’s wrong?” Junpei asked when he answered.
It was a valid question. Kouji almost never called when everything was fine.
”It’s a bad day”, Kouji said. ”Can you come over? I’m at Kouichi’s place.”
His voice trembled and he felt like he was about to break again. He heard Junpei stand up on the other end of the line.
”Is that okay?” Junpei asked. ”I won’t be a bother?”
”I don’t care”, Kouji said and sniffled.
”Except you do”, Junpei said because of course he knew Kouji that well.
”I… I need you”, Kouji whispered.
”I’m coming, I’m coming. DAD! Can you drive me to Kimura’s place?!”
Kouji pulled his knees to his chest, pressed the phone closer to his ear.
”Schoolwork’s done!” Junpei yelled. ”The train takes too long! Please, dad!”
Junpei shuffled around, packed stuff, and Kouji listened to it in his own mess. His grip around the bottle tightened.
”Did you take…” Junpei started and Kouji didn’t want to hear the whole sentence.
”Before I called”, Kouji answered. ”I’m not sure it’s helping.”
”It takes a bit of time. Am I staying the night?”
”If… if you want to?”
”If you need me to. I’m bringing my magic tricks though!”
Kouji let out an almost laugh, before he sniffled again. His body felt cold.
”I’ll be there in about 20 minutes. Promise me you’ll try to hang on until then”, Junpei said.
”I’ll try.”
Junpei ended the phonecall. Kouji stared at the mess he had made. He needed to put all the things back in the bag, get up, get to the livingroom and at least try to look like he wasn’t half a second from falling apart. He wasn’t sure he could do that.
He yawned and glanced at the bottle. Maybe the medicine was working. He put the phone in his pocket and stood up. The world spun a little and he put his head in his hand. He really couldn’t stay in the bathroom any longer, even though he wanted to, but at least he was starting to feel like he’d be able to handle the world outside again. Or like he’d fall asleep from it. He wasn’t quite sure which it was.
He threw his stuff into the backpack, put it on his back and put his hand on the door handle. He still held the bottle in his other hand. He took a shaky breath and opened the door.
-------
Kouichi got done with the tea just as Kouji returned from the bathroom. He put it on the table and forced a smile. He tried not to glance at the bandage around Kouji’s arm, tried not to let it worry him too much. Kouji noticed his glance.
”...Junpei’s on his way”, Kouji said instead of telling Kouichi to stop worrying. ”if… that’s okay”, he added and looked at Tomoko, who was sitting in the armchair.
Tomoko looked away from the book she had been reading and smiled at Kouji.
”I was somewhat expecting that. Is he staying the night as well?”
Kouji nodded. His looked like he was close to crying and Kouichi just wanted to go up to him and give him a hug. Instead he held one of the cups for Kouji.
”I made tea?” he said and it did not come out as happy as he had wanted it to.
Kouji took the cup and sank down in the left corner of the couch, curled up against the armrest. Kouichi sat down on the floor and gathered up the notes he had written.
”We’ve gotten some questions down if you feel up for it”, he suggested.
Kouji scrunched up his nose before yawning.
”Please don’t put popcorn in my shirt.”
”We can skip that”, Izumi said with a laugh. ”It was just a suggestion to make it more intense anyway.”
”You look like you’re about to fall asleep”, Kouichi said. ”Are you okay?”
Kouji raised an eyebrow and Kouichi scratched the back of his head.
”I meant apart from the obvious no.”
Kouji sipped on the tea instead of answering. Kouichi let out a sigh and started looking through the questions. He could start by giving Kouji some of the easier ones.
The doorbell rang. Tomoko got up to open it and half a minute later Junpei arrived in the living room.
”I’ll be in the bedroom if you need me”, Tomoko said. ”Enjoy your studysession!”
She left. Junpei sat down next to Kouji and Kouji curled up against him instead of the armrest.
”Has it started working?” Junpei asked and Kouji nodded.
”Tired.”
”I can tell”, Junpei laughed before turning to Kouichi and Izumi. ”Hey, sorry to barge in like this.”
”No no, this is great”, Kouichi said and put the papers in Junpei’s lap. ”You can be the quizmaster.”
Kouji sipped on the tea and Junpei wrapped an arm around him. Kouichi smiled seeing it. Kouji seemed calmer now, and Kouichi felt his shoulders relax.
”We have a test tomorrow”, he continued. ”We were gonna just ask each other a bunch of questions…”
”And if anyone answers wrong they get popcorn down their shirt”, Izumi said with a laugh.
Kouji sniffled. Kouichi’s shoulders tensed up again and he got up on his knees, ready to get over to Kouji and do literally anything. Junpei pulled Kouji closer and whispered something to him, Kouichi didn’t hear what. Kouji shook his head and Junpei smiled.
”Just let us know if you need anything, okay?”
Izumi grabbed a handfull of popcorn and leaned back.
”We’ll do the popcorn thing another time”, she suggested. ”I’m ready for questions now though. Quizmaster Junpei, wow us with your knowledge!”
Junpei laughed and started reading the questions. Kouichi sat down on the floor again, leaned against the couch next to Izumi’s legs and she started playing with his hair while they discussed the questions. Kouji participated occassionally, but his answers got more and more unintelligible as time passed. Junpei took the bottle and cup from him after an hour and put them on the table.
”Izumi-chan, can you get him a blanket or something?”
”Is he asleep? Should we be quieter?”
”n… sleep…” Kouji mumbled.
”I just want him comfy”, Junpei smiled.
Kouji didn’t protest. Kouichi hoped it was because he was safe and comfortable and not because he didn’t care what they did to him. Izumi disappeared into the bedroom and returned almost immediately with a blanket and one of Kouichi’s plushies that he had tried to hide in a dark corner in his closet.
”Do you want to lie down?” she asked and Kouji shook his head. ”I can sit in the armchair instead, it’s fine.”
”m not…” Kouji forced his eyes open. ”Not sick. No need to coddle me.”
”You wouldn’t let us coddle you even if you were sick”, Kouichi said with a laugh.
Junpei moved a little to the right. Kouji slipped down, his head in Junpei’s lap. He closed his eyes and rolled up. Izumi put the kitty-plushie in his arms before putting the blanket over him. She sank down in the armchair, Kouichi leaned against the couch again and they went back to the questions.
-------
It was unusually early when Kouichi blinked away. He had his head on Izumi’s shoulder, curled up against her side. She was lying on her back, relaxed and asleep. Kouichi yawned.
Kouji was also awake. He was staring at the wall behind Kouichi, arm and leg draped over Junpei and his head on Junpei’s chest. Junpei was sound asleep.
”Hey”, Kouichi whispered and hoped he wouldn’t wake the other two. ”Sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you or anything.”
Kouji blinked and focused his gaze on Kouichi. He still looked tired.
”Brain’s been….” Kouji started, but hesitated a little. ”It’s trying to convince me I need to die.”
Kouichi’s stomach hurt at those words and he couldn’t even imagine how much Kouji must have been hurting. Kouji looked away again.
”It gets harder and harder to resist”, he continued, barely audible. ”It’s been three weeks and I was… I was ready to do it. So you wouldn’t need to worry any longer.”
Kouichi opened his mouth to protest, to tell Kouji that he didn’t mind having to worry and he’d much rather have a twin he worried about than be alone again. Kouji glared at him before he was able to say any of that.
”Logically I know”, Kouji said. ”It doesn’t work like that.”
Kouichi’s shoulders fell and he had to look away from Kouji’s intense gaze.
”Depression’s a bitch?”
Kouji let out a sigh.
”Depression’s a bitch”, he admitted.
Junpei moved a little and Kouji had to rearrange how he was draped.
”Why didn’t you let me know it was getting that bad?” Kouichi asked and feared the answer.
”Didn’t want you to worry.”
”But you must have told Junpei.”
Kouji almost smiled.
”Junpei worries… differently than you do. It’s nothing against you.”
Junpei wrapped an arm around Kouji and Kouji closed his eyes. Kouichi watched them.
”So… are you feeling better?”
Kouji sighed. He didn’t open his eyes.
”Not really. It doesn’t work like that.”
Kouichi held on just slightly tighter to Izumi. Kouji looked at him.
”I feel able to handle it again though.”
”I’m glad. I should get Junpei a gift basket sometime.”
Kouichi sighed and his smile faltered.
”I just wish I could help…”
”You’re not obligated to help”, Kouji said.
Kouichi raised an eyebrow. Did Kouji really think that he only wanted to help out of obligation? He decided to save that discussion for a rainy day.
Izumi moved under him and he could tell she was about to wake up. Perhaps Junpei was as well.
”I know, but I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you.”
”But you do.”
Junpei started moving. Kouji sat up on the bed and pulled his hands over his face.
”Just having you gives me something to stay around for��, he whispered. ”And you…”
He looked uncertain. Kouichi sat up as well, stretched his back. Izumi rolled over to her side.
”...probably saved my life yesterday? Or at least a trip to the hospital.”
Kouichi’s stomach hurt. He didn’t move. He felt frozen to the core, like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over him. He took a shaky breath, didn’t want to make a big deal out of it because then maybe Kouji would work harder at hiding it next time. He nodded towards Kouji’s arm.
”Speaking of that, how’s the arm?”
Kouji grimaced.
”Another ugly scar to the collection”, he said. ”It doesn’t hurt.”
Someone’s alarm rang. Both Junpei and Izumi reached for their phones, but Tomoko turned it off in the room next door. Kouji stretched.
”About time to get up anyway”, he said and gave Junpei a soft kick.
Junpei grabbed Kouji and pulled him down again.
”Five more minutes”, he said with a yawn.
Kouji laughed. Kouichi felt his shoulders relax.
”Five more minutes”, Kouji confirmed and closed his eyes.
Kouichi leaned against the wall. Izumi sat up next to him and leaned against his shoulder. She grabbed his hand.
”Is today better?” she asked.
”Better”, Kouichi confirmed. ”Still worried.”
”We’ll probably always be”, she said and yawned. ”Ready for the test?”
Kouichi reached for his backpack.
”Last minute study-session?”
Izumi laughed.
”Last minute study-session”, she confirmed.
Kouichi decided to ignore the worry gnawing in him, for now. He would just continue trying to be there for Kouji.
-------
It was two weeks later. Kouji was staring at the whiteboard, not listening to the teacher. Kouichi was staring at Kouji. They really needed to work out a way for Kouji to tell him how bad it was without feeling like he had to compromise himself for it.
Are you okay? Kouichi wrote on a note and put infront of Kouji.
Takuya snickered behind them and Kouichi gave him the finger. Kouji grabbed the note and put it in his pocket. He threw a quick glance at Kouichi before looking through the whiteboard again. Kouichi tried to listen to the teacher, but Kouji let out a sigh and Kouichi got distracted again.
Sleepover? Kouichi wrote on a new note.
Kouji glanced at it, and snorted. The teacher turned around and Kouji put a hand over his mouth. He pretended to write in the notebook. Kouichi got the note back with the question mark scribbled out. Success. He made a happy little wiggle in the chair.
I’ll ask Junpei to come as well, he sent on another note to Kouji.
Takuya snickered again. Kouji reached over and pulled at Takuya’s hair. The teacher turned around to look at them again.
”They’re sending love notes~ to each other”, Takuya ratted them out.
Kouji grabbed his hair and pulled at it again. Hard. Takuya let out a yelp.
”It’s not love notes, you idiot.”
The teachers sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
”Kimura, Minamoto, I want to talk to you two when the class is over.”
”Yes, teacher”, they answered as one.
The teacher turned back to the whiteboard and Kouichi tried to focus on the lesson. Kouji’s eyes looked through the whiteboard and his grip around the pencil was just a little too tight. Kouichi wanted to move closer to let Kouji know he was there for him.
”Double-date in the park after school?” he whispered.
The teacher was already going to reprimand them, might as well make it worth it. Kouji snorted, almost smiled, but instead his eyes filled with tears. He pulled a hand across them and took a shaky breath.
”Double-date sounds nice”, he whispered.
Kouichi let out a relieved breath. At least it was going better this time than the last. He just needed to let Junpei and Izumi know about the date as well. Takuya was still listening to them more than the teacher.
”100% sounds like you were sending love letters”, he whispered.
Kouichi shook his head and looked towards Izumi instead. She noticed it and smiled towards him. Kouji groaned and put his face in his hands.
”We’re twins”, he hissed out low enough that the teacher wouldn’t hear. ”We have other partners than each other.”
If Kouji was talking to Takuya he at least wasn’t in complete disaster mode, Kouichi mused. He wrote some keywords in his notebook.
”First you send notes and then you talk about a date”, Takuya said. ”Just saying, it seems suspicious from here.”
Kouji turned around in his seat.
”I am going to beat you up so hard your mom won’t recognize you”, he hissed.
The teacher coughed. Kouji’s cheeks got red and he turned his back to Takuya. The teacher gestured at an empty desk at the front of the class and Kouji grabbed his bag and noteblock and moved to it instead. Kouichi shook his head with a smile. Just another regular day.
Except this time he had more knowledge about how to help his brother.
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