#dean the butt | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saltygilmores · 10 months

Text

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls-Season 2 Episode 15-"Lost And Found" Aka Rory Loses Dean's Shitty Bracelet That She Didn't Even Care She Lost , Aka BraceletGate, Aka QuarterOnAStringGate, Part 3

Now for the contiuation of Gilmore Girls 7-10 MInutes At A Time Because That's All I Can Tolerate of Lorelai Gilmore. Or Until I Reach My Max Number of Screen Shots (30).

Where we last left off, we were witnessing the complete miscarriage of justice wrought by AmyShermanPalladino wherein Dean The Butt Forrester is taking Rory to a town wide book sale and sulking like a little bitch while Jess Mariano is stuck slopping some bitch's gutters (and not sulking like a little bitch about it, I might add), some bitch being Lorelai Gilmore. This scenario has to violate some international treaty against war crimes. R: You sure you don't want to look around? DTBF: I did. R: For five minutes. DTBF: It was 20 minutes. Then I stopped. And you continued for another two hours. R: It has not been that long. DTBF: *shows Rory his watch* R: Oh, sorry. Thank you for mansplaining the concept of time to us, Dean The Butt Forrester. Speaking of time, I think it's time for your weekly ButtScout meeting, better get going.

Judging by the four identical BOOKS BOOKS AND MORE BOOKS fliers affixed to the same door, I'd venture to guess there is a book sale going on. Maybe I'm wrong. Dean:

EVERY GOD DAMN TIME. DEAN "WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME" FORRESTER! AND LORD OF THE RINGS IS LIKE FOUR HOURS LONG. THIS DOES NOT SEEM LIKE AN EVEN EXCHANGE, DEAN THE BUTT. WHY AM I SHOUTING. I JUST HATE DEAN THE BUTT FORRESTER SO MUCH. Well, if it means Dean shuts up for four hours (if he doesn't talk through the entire movie) maybe it would be a welcome relief for Rory. Crossroads with Brtiney Spears came out the week before this episode aired. This movie is 1 hour and 34 minutes long. Rory, follow my instructions very closely: open one of those books, place DTBF's hand in between the pages, and slam down. Enjoy his screams of agony. You're welcome. Rory, struggling to juggle an armload of books that DTBF isn't offering to help her carry, goes into Don't Make Dean Angry/ Don't Drop The Books mode and agrees to go. But the tone of her "Ok" wasn't pleasing to DTB and he snaps back with a WHAT? I thought you liked Lord of the Rings.

No, I think you misheard the girl. What she actually said was "I want to see your genitals crushed with a lawnmower 100 times so you can never reproduce or have sex with Lorelai again" Oh, that was me, sorry.

Love Rory in this moment. Here's your crown, your majesty 👑

.......

Who could have ever predicted the answer to that question, huh. Dean is a sub-humanoid butt astronaut. Jess Mariano would NEVER just sit back and watch as Rory walked around struggling to carry things.

Oh god, it's all down hill from here people. The bracelet has escaped. I repeat, the bracelet has escaped.

DTBF: Where's your bracelet? You're not wearing your bracelet. Where is it? R: I took it off. DTBF: Why? R: Because I got a rash. Well, that's what happens when you wear a bracelet made out of a quarter on a string. Who knows what sorts of bacteria were lurking in the payphone that Dean fished it out of?

Simpsons and Gilmore Girls are such a winning combination. Rory looks terrified at how Dean might potentially react to her losing some cheap ass gumball machine bracelet. How would he react if she actually lost a gift worth more than 25 cents? (irrelevant, he would never gift her anything worth more than that). Joke's on her, it's going to be her Mom who really loses her shit about the cereal box bracelet.

Oh this does not sound good. "You go browse the astronomy section, we'll see Lord of the Rings and then watch Autumn in New York later and mock it all afternoon." Lord Of The Rings, Fellowship of the Rings: 2hr 58 minutes Autumn in New York: 1hr 43 minutes Browsing the Astronomy Section, Possibly To Research What Distant Black Hole Her Boyfriend Emerged From: 5-10 minutes probably. In the Dean the Butt universe, everything benefits him in the end. Me, me, me. Sure he was married, but I'll say this about Rory, still kinda proud of her that she makes him wait over four years until she finally put out. If he was a little nicer maybe Rory would at least give him a handy or even two during the 3 hour movie. (ps, where did they go to watch AINY if Lorelai was at home with Jess? Did poor Rory get stuck spending the afternoon in the Forrester living room, with Clara interrupting and Dean's parents in the next room audibly discussing with one another how their son was an unfortunate accident that should have been left at the local Safe Haven unwanted infant drop off, and now Rory can't even hear the movie?) Rory agrees to this "deal" just to shut Dean up, a deal which benefits her in no way whatsoever.

A double dose of nightmare fuel for ya'll so you can suffer alongside me. When you have to say "I'm not bored" to convince someone you're not bored... Moments ago Kirk was haggling with Gypsy over saving a nickel on a used book for charity and Kirk still comes out looking like a shrewder bargainer than Dean.

You know, it's a good thing they serve nutritious lunches at Chilton (even if Rory only chooses to eat two slices of white bread most of the time) and that there are restaurants nearby who cater to the Gilmores even though they never pay for their food, because otherwise Lorelai's child would be subsisting on a diet of Ragu sauce, salsa, Triscuit, and Coke (with lemon). I guess it's marginally better than what Jess would find when he opened Liz's fridge as a child. Roaches and empty promises. Now you're sad. I'm taking you all down with me on this sinking ship of an episode, damn it. My will to live watching another one of these DALA (Dean And Lorelai Affair/Dean And Lorelai are Assholes/ Dean And Lorelai are having Anal sex with each other) episodes is kind of like the Titan submersible. Quickly imploded after a short descent. Nothing remaining. Mere atoms scattered into vast nothingness. Gone. It's so much worse when you've seen the show multiple times and already know that Lorelai's "goodwill" towards Jess in the next scene goes down as quickly as Lorelai goes down on Dean after he helps her change her water dispenser. We see Lor looking around and listening suspiciously, as Lorelais do when Jesses are in their house. Not hearing any sounds of gutter-slopping, she slips outside.

This whole god damn episode exists because this smol infant just had to pick up that fucking quarter on a string. Why didn't you leave it on the bridge or return it Rory?! Why Jesstopher, why? I hate you right now. Your actions have consequences! People (me) are in pain. Don't you even care? Lorelai: Jess? Jess to Lorelai who treats him like shit: I'm sorry, was I being too loud? Stop being so nice. Ugh. Lorelai offers Jess some cold crappy leftovers. Figuring she probably put arsenic in his take out container, he politely declines, but then a second later he changes his mind, probably figuring death by eggroll sounds more peaceful than continuing to slop this bitch's gutters all afternoon.

Do you ever just want to get inside Jess Mariano's mind? I desperately want to know what he's thinking here after Lorelai says she and Rory ordered every chicken item on the Chinese restaurant menu in one night. I'm just saying, that "ambitious" is loaded.

Lorelai gets out the special plates reserved for special Poisoning occasions.

I'm probably the only person who gets a small chuckle every time Jess is offered meat (see also: a hot dog) knowing Milo Ventimiglia is a lifelong vegetarian, so I like to pretend Jess is a vegetarian as well.

L: "We have Garlic chicken, kung pao chicken, Szechuan chicken, chicken in brown sauce." All those poor chickens gave their lives just to end up feeding Lorelai Gilmore, isn't that a pity. (PETA, pay me for your new slogan). L to J: This chicken has these hot peppers in them, if you eat them, you'll die.

But enough about your fantasies again, Lorelai. Jess politely accepts some food, offers to wash his hands before eating, gently chides Lorelai about how the Gilmores neglect their basic nutrition and home repairs, suggests he found a bumper sticker from the 1950's in her gutter, all in good fun, proceeds to have a perfectly nice if awkward conversation with this bitch who doesn't deserve it. We know Lorelai is going to erase the memory of this impeccably polite behavior from her mind in a few moments after Braceletgate gets underway. Sorry Jess, you can't win. You try to be nice, she tries to poison your food, and failing that screams at you for taking her daughter's quarter on a string given to her by a Butt named Dean. 14 years later she's married into your family and still saying someone should throw a football at your face. Not even worth trying to curry her favor. Just be yourself, hunny.

Just admiring his gigantic watch. #AdmireTheBaby #ThePeppersAreTainted

#AdmireTheBaby Lorelai plays "Geting to know Jess" and we find out some obvious things. School is "still there" and he's not involved in any after school activities and he would like to throw a ball at an athlete's head. Well, of course he has no extra cirriculars. He spends all of his free time being underpaid by his uncle to work in the diner. What extra cirriculars do you think Jess might enjoy? Let me know in the replies.

It's okay, my little socially anxious baby, we still love you. I won't ever make a "Wow this thing knows how to talk" Lorelai-style remark. I can promise you that. I've been on the end of those comments and they hurt. I love seeing Milo eat with his crooked lip. Yes, I feel bad for him, after he said half his mouth is scar tissue from biting his lip so much while trying to eat, and he doesn't even feel it anymore. That being said, I still love him eating food vertically like he's gonna deep throat it. Egg rolls, hot dogs, popsicles and string cheese. The Milo is about to feast. Let's watch.