hes not a killeeeerrr hes an s-mart employeeeeeee
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thrillerrrrrrrrrrrrrr
alt bg cus i couldnt decide which one i liked better
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12/27/22
christmas was strange. hans got me a dragon plaque and some beautiful yarn. i cried a little because its been a really long time since anyone has paid enough attention to me to get me a present that actually feels meaningful to who i am. i gave him a white sweater and taught him how to dye it with dyers polypore. my grandma sent me more sweets than ill ever eat so ive been handing them off to people slowly. hans and i made latkes and brats and then went to dinner at cals where i felt very anxious. i didnt hear from anyone really except for fen and family. i got a new rug yesterday for really cheap that is patterned as calendula and what i think is larkspur, amaranth and something unidentifiable so far. im feeling mad and hurt and anxious. miranda hasnt spoken to me since el left, and she was acting sort of rudely to me and hans, then we washed some laundry at the house at the same time as her and a bunch of our laundry went missing which means theres a fair chance she stole things from us. all after her big apology about how horrible she felt for abandoning me as a friend and how it was just really important for her to be only talking to r because she needs so much support. i feel tired in every direction from that. depression is creeping in. why do i keep letting people in? why do people mistreat others? ive worked so hard on my trust issues but i keep winding up in the presences of people who seem to intentionally disrespect and disregard me as a real person. even fen these days is really far from me and chooses to prioritize all of their time for everyone else. they were going to come for a visit, which turned shorter because they scheduled a doctors appointment at the same time, which turned even shorter because they decided they were just going to have aine drive them both down. i called it off because i kept saying over and over that i didnt want to hang out with aine i wanted to hang out with fen alone and they werent listening to that. o wont talk to me, shady is out of town but disconnected from me when they are here, el is gone, michael doesnt talk to me because it makes shirely upset, amy is gone or not present when shes here, i hardly ever see or talk to max anymore because hes too busy, nick is always stoned and when i do see him its only for a few minutes before he decides to leave. bg is the only person that hangs out with me these days other than hans. i feel whatever rough precursor to lonely, i feel bitter and reclusive and angry. i am so tired of this pitiable pattern. of course, i can tell myself im complaining about nothing and it doesnt matter, and of course, it doesnt, but these are the only friends consistently in my life- or, as close to consistent as possible. its hard for me to feel like i want to see anyone at all. on top of all that i used a prosthetic with hans last night for the first time. it honestly made me feel more dysphoric than not using anything. he really liked it but i couldnt stop thinking as i was watching that neon blue member swing around that ill never be a real man, ill never have this for real, why would anyone choose to be intimate with me and this over someone with something real. i felt like crying but i didnt. i think its good im having therapy today.
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I need to share, cause they are so pretty & rob me of any space I had not rly left.
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ODGAU Bluestreak being cute. That’s all my brain will give me.
here u go
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radical destruction angel zogu
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Lio Fotia: Manspreading champ 💪
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