#cause like. yes its some trans fems. but its mostly NOT?

[ftmtftm]

something i wanted to ask, genuinely, is if you think the labels transmisogyny/misandry and the way theyre used can really be helpful

i personally think they can be but with how so many ppl try to frame it as "exclusive" forms of oppression just doesnt help at all. yes, transmisogyny does mainly happen to trans women/fems, but a lot of ppl refuse to believe it could also happen to trans men/mascs. and i believe it can go the same way with transmisandry as ive seen multiple ppl describe wut it is and see how it could be applied to trans women/fems. and that doesnt even acknowledge intersex ppl, whether theyre trans or not. i feel like labeling it in specific ways to say "this is an intersection of oppression" without going "this is an exclusive experience" is beneficial to all sides, but ppl try to gatekeep with labels like "tma" and "tme" and so on. its like saying a gay guy cant call themself a dyke bc "youre not a lesbian and therefore u cant reclaim that slur" even if theyve been called a dyke before. it really just feels like the labels of transmisogyny and transmisandry is used as a way to fuel the fires of oppression olympics by saying that "if ur a trans man u experience less oppression than a trans woman." and it seems to be mainly fueled by the idea of "woman (oppressed) + trans (oppressed) = really oppressed" whereas "man (not oppressed) + trans (oppressed) = not as oppressed" when its nothing like that.

its also incredibly hard to find Any information about transmisandry. i always see "trans men just have it/pass easier" and even other transphobic statements of how going on T makes trans men more aggressive and assertive. i feel like tumblr has been the only place ive seen any genuine discussion about transmisandry and even then its not great or very informative.

i believe that both transmisandry and transmisogyny should be acknowledged as real forms of oppression rather than being used as a way to oppress ppl further.

i dont wish to cause an argument as these r just my thoughts and i genuinely want to hear yours on it too

So the TL;DR my opinion sort of boils down to "Yes, I think they can be incredibly useful terms when used with intention and clarity of purpose" but there's a lot of nuance to that opinion. Basically though - I mostly agree with you on a conceptual level anon. I just wanted to write an essay.

(and also I don't fully address some things in this ask because frankly I'm burnt out and don't want to talk about them at the moment and I made this blog to talk about my special interests anyway. Sue me ‪¯\_(ツ)_/¯‬)

Something I've been noticing in my reading of Intersectional/trans-inclusive Feminist literature, combined with my engagement with trans activism, over the last few years is: We're all very, very afraid of talking about sexism right now and it absolutely makes sense why.

It makes sense because the conversation has been ground to dirt by TERFs constantly yelling about "sex-based oppression" as a means to be transmisogynist and degrade the womanhood of trans women. However the response to this has been deeply flawed in my opinion.

Instead of actually addressing sexism as it's own distinct form of oppression under an Intersectional lense, we've simply made a hard left into only discussing gender informed oppression and only legitimizing gender informed oppression in the form of misogyny. It's a very uninformed response in my opinion actually - but that also makes sense because it's currently very hard to be informed on general feminist theory and politics at the moment because Radical Feminism is a fucking plague.

In reality though, sexism and misogyny are two different forms of oppression that often overlap because gender and sex are different classes of identity that often overlap.

This degradation of language - both from TERFs conflating sex and gender and from Intersectionals/progressives separating the two so hard they don't even acknowledge sex - is what I think is part of the cause of this problem that is leaving trans men / trans mascs with a massive hole in our ability to discuss our experiences. And not just trans men either!!! It's also nonbinary and intersex people as well who are harmed by this void.

So that begs the question: How do we actually talk about sexism in an Intersectional Feminist, trans inclusive, capacity that combats Radical Feminist rhetoric on sexism?

And the answer? Is carefully, consciously, and in a manner that is aware of several different experiences within the nebulous concept of female identity.

I will actually be using the word "female" as a term a decent amount throughout this post. For the sake of this discussion I am defining "female" as anyone anyone who presently identifies as female due to their assigned sex as well as anyone who is socially treated/viewed as female due to their gender, legal, and/or medical statuses. In this post "female" is an umbrella term that includes cis women, trans men, trans women, nonbinary people, and intersex people who feel that definition applies to them in relation to their sex.

Because the fact of the matter is that Patriarchy and our society at large hate women and they hate people who are assigned female and they hate people who are female and those are distinct categories of people with a lot of overlap and a lot of differences.

Female identity is like venn diagram of sex informed experiences that cis women, trans women, trans men, nonbinary people, and intersex people all have a place in for various different reasons. It's a diverse category of experiences and this should be a touchstone for solidarity, not division in my opinion. The experiences and needs of one group don't inherently negate the experiences and needs of another similar group, even if they conflict, you know?

It's a concept I've actually adopted from disability activists, who often talk about the ways in which disability activism often has to address conflicting needs because sometimes some disabled people's needs are in direct conflict with each other!! Conflicting needs are not something unique to disability activism though.

Most groups and classes people have conflicting needs within themselves and I think there's a lot to be learned in gendered activism from disability activists in this regard. I think often in activist discussions a lot of people stop when situations stop impacting them directly instead of trying to find commonality and empathy with similar experiences. It's easy to have knee jerk reactions, it's harder to pause and contemplate.

So, let's actually contemplate transmisogyny and transandrophobia/transmisandry as terms for a moment.

Transmisogyny was coined as a term by Julia Serano in 2007 in her book The Whipping Girl and I do think it's incredibly useful for describing the ways in which transphobia (the broader oppression of trans individuals) intersects with misogyny (the broader oppression of women) in specific ways wrapped up into a specific term.

I've engaged in a lot of criticism of The Whipping Girl because, well, I think for just about every excellent idea Serano posits about the trans feminine experience she undercuts it with White Feminist rhetoric and simple "cis men and women are opposites therefore trans men and women are opposites" type rhetoric that harms her arguments more than helps them. HOWEVER! Serano herself even articulates that misogyny and transphobia may intersect in ways that impact nonbinary and trans masculine individuals differently from trans feminine individuals, and that additional language may be required to fill that gap in The Whipping Girl!!

So now there's a bit of a linguistically philosophical discussion to be had here on the function of language and what language we can actually use to fill the hole trans men experience with our language - which is also where we dive back into talking about concepts like conflicting needs and sexism.

When creating terminology (or jargon), one must take into account several things like clarity and context, which is why personally - I do not like the term "transmisandry" at all. I use it as a tag because I know some people prefer it as a term and I'd like my posts to reach that audience as well. Generally speaking though - I think any inclusion of "misandry" as a term will always be a nonstarter in most discussions on gender. It's much too loaded of a word because of it's association with the misogynistic actions of MRAs among several other semantic reasons.

An argument could, I think, be made for a term like "transsexism" which would describe the intersection of transphobia (the broader oppression of trans individuals) and sexism (the broader oppression of female individuals) but I think that is still too broad if we want to talk about trans masculine experiences specifically. (Though I do still think it may have contextual use as a term quite frankly - that's just beyond the scope of this post).

So? Then we come to transandrophobia and a conversation on misogynistic, sexist responses to masculinity in people society forcibly identified as "female women" under patriarchy.

I want to state that off the bat that I take a lot of issue with the way people dismiss trans men's experiences as just "general transphobia" or "default transphobia" because... Why are you automatically treating a man's experiences as the universal default? Especially when there are things based on the intersection of his manhood and marginalization that he experiences that women of the same marginalization don't?

I have this issue with most other conversations about the intersection of marginalized identity and manhood honestly. It actually really reeks of unconscious misogynist bias to me. But I digress, that's not the subject of this post.

I think a lot about Brandon Teena and the motivations for his murder. I think a lot about Lou Sullivan's diary entries about his loneliness and isolation with regard to being around trans women and lesbians - as well as his history fighting for his right to medical transition. I think about P. Carl's musings about the ways in which his entire community abandoned him once he came out as a trans man as opposed to a lesbian woman. I think about Irreversible Damage by Abigal Shrier and the way she manipulated - if I'm remembering correctly - YouTuber, Chase Ross into misleading interviews that skewed his words and stories to attempt to "prove" her points about how "our girls" are being manipulated into transgenderism via social contagion spread through platforms like YouTube.

I think about the ways in which trans mascs - particularly those on HRT - actively avoid medical care because of the deeply gendered nature of gynecological care and also because we are treated like medical freaks and abominations when we do try to seek that care. I think about the ways our bodies are inherently, deeply impacted by the overturning of Roe V. Wade and how our decisions to not carry children via abortion or hysterectomy - or our desire to carry children - are met with the phenomenon of medical misogyny like any other woman or female individual but in a way that also explicitly intersects with our transness.

I think about the ways in which Patriarchal society sees my "female" body in direct opposition to my identity as a "man" and how that is something that needs to be "corrected" back into "female womanhood" via rape and assault. I think about my own corrective assault a lot. I think about how the 2015 National Trans Survey actually found higher self reported instances with sexual assault in trans men than in trans women. I think about how I personally see that as a touchstone of solidarity with my lesbian siblings and especially with my other butch siblings who also have their expressions of masculinity treated as deviancy that deserves corrective action.

I apologize for diverting into less of an academic musing into prose and also for diverging from the subject of this ask directly into a much larger essay - but I am simply so tired of trying to say that I and other trans masculine people are people worthy of having our own language for our own experiences instead of just being dismissed as a privileged class - quite literally on the basis of our own oppression.

Especially when people use the words of someone like Julia Serano to say we don't deserve that language when she herself posited that maybe we should have it. Especially when Kimberlé Crenshaw - the woman who created the theory of Intersectionality that Serano is attempting to engage with in The Whipping Girl - has stated that one of the goals of Intersectionality is to create language for and give voice to marginalized identities that otherwise are not given language and voice.

So - What do you call it when trans masculine people are explicitly targeted on the basis of their trans masculinity? What do you call that intersection of sexism, misogyny, and transphobia that misgenders and attacks trans masculinity explicitly? Because that isn't "general transphobia" - that is transphobia motivated by a Patriarchal desire for control over the broader "female identity" that society is seeing as "too masculine".

It's trans-andro-phobia. Transphobia targeted at a particular group of trans individuals on the basis of their masculinity in a way that intersects with a sexist, misogynist, Patriarchal desire to control perceived/forced female identity and the subsequent interpersonal and social ramifications that come alongside that systemic abuse.

Focus, intention, and clarity of purpose.

---

I do want to add that there is absolutely something to be said about the fact that these conversations are all extremely White at the moment.

Radical Feminism is a deeply White (and White Supremacist) movement. Conversations on Trans Feminist theory in general are still deeply White as well. Julia Serano is very much a White Trans Feminist, and as such most responses to her work by other White trans people tend to be, well, very White.

I myself am even contributing to the prevalence of Whiteness in the conversation because even though I am Ashkenazi I am also still White. I might be informed by and am actively using concepts formed by Black Women and Ethnic Minority Women as the basis of my own theories, but that doesn't erase the context of my own race in this conversation either.

I really do not want that to be lost upon people, especially other White people. A racialized context matters in this conversation because Race and Gender really cannot be fully separated from each other in conversations about power and systemic oppression.

Bonus TL;DR - Read The Will to Change and Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks. Read Audre Lorde. Read Kimberlé Crenshaw. Read Leslie Feinberg and Judith Butler. Read María Lugones. Learn the concepts they are presenting and then also learn how to apply those concepts in a consciousness and self aware manner.

#this isn't perfectly everything i wanted to articulate but i'm tired of this sitting in my drafts #especially when i'm getting really burnt out on offering this kind of essay for free with my main responses to them being sui bait anons #or parasocial bullshit #transmisandry #anti transmasculinity #transandrophobia #transmisogyny #intersectional feminism #feminism #anon #long post / #asks

[namor-shuri]

Our poll results are in! 🗳✨

*cracks knuckles* Let’s dive in and talk about it (: [Grab a snack and something to drink because this is about to be long. Yes, a bitch made graphs lmao Sue me] Alrighty, let’s do this:

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I can't remember where bpwf was first released and the order of its premiere in each country but it's interesting to see that the majority of fandom [who participated at least] are from North America. Also Asia being the third highest group was fascinating because at least when it comes to Twitter, I’ve noticed a lot of the Namor/Shuri fan art has come from Thai and Korean artists. They are seriously carrying this fandom and I'm here for all of it.

ALSO: Random, but where are my Antarctica Nashuri fans?? 😭 I’m also curious to know how Africa has received the Black Panther franchise all together over the years. Do they resonate with it? Do they find it offensive/ overly dramatized? I’m curious. If you are a fan who lives in Africa, can you comment on your experience with this? I'd be happy to know.

To be honest, I’ve always assumed that the Marvel fandom [along with superhero spaces as a whole like DC and what not] were male dominated but this poll gave me some hope. I am curious what parts of fandom men frequent more vs women. For example, do Comic Cons ring in more women, more men, half and half? With fan art, do majority of artists identify as women, men, other? It’s interesting to think about. I also love seeing women/fem identifying individuals show up in these spaces because countless times we are made to feel like an inposter and harassed for our interests in comics, games, movies, shows, music, the list goes on. Questioned down with trivia, fact checking and all sorts of BS ultimately trying to prove that “you aren't a real fan". Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you have to prove your knowledge of anything to be interested in something you like. ESPECIALLY if it is coming from a man child guy.

ALSO: Hi all trans, non-conforming and alternative gender expressing baddies! Know you are welcome here and pls enjoy your stay at my humble blog abode. 👋🏾💜

It’s amazing to see how diverse this fandom is! I didn’t expect that we would have such high numbers of black/brown fans/shippers. As a black mcu fan myself, it’s exciting to see us show up in fandom. Fandom has unfortunately been heavily white/Eurocentric for a very long time, which has slowly changed but we still have a long ways to go in it’s inclusivity. With the increase of bipoc characters and the actors who play them, I look forward to this continual progression.

ALSO: It’s been heartwarming to witness Mexican, Indigenous, Lantix fans feel seen with bpwf and Tenoch, Mabel and Alex's performances! I remember how enamored the black community was with Chadwick and the first BP. We were hyped to have this treasure of a movie, which I assume is similar to how the Asian community felt with Shang-Chi and so on. It's been said countless times before but representation truly makes the world of a difference and the power of the bipoc dollar should never be taken lightly. We cause real change when we support something.

There will always be a spectrum of ages in any fandom but I figured the majority of people were probably within this age range. It may be due to the timeline of when the mcu was born and how it has progressed alongside millennials? This also explains why I keep seeing fans make posts about their age gaps with Tenoch and wanting to be his questionably young gf 😩 [get in line]

ALSO: Shoutout to the 55+ folks in the fandom! I have a sneaking suspicion yall are some of the coolest people 🤘🏾

Okay *inhales exhales* I know I'm going to get flak for this but let's hop into it lol I saw the scale sway back and forth for a minute but it mostly stayed between White Wolf [Bucky Barnes] and Iron Heart [Riri Williams]. I myself personally love both answers! My annoyance is not with shuriri, but with its fandom. They have been some of the biggest instigators/bullies since bpwf has dropped. I've seen all kinds of mental gymnastics from saying the nashuri fandom would rather see shuri with a killer than support gay love [like what??] to Letitia is clearly lesbian because of her attire [pls be fr] and everything in between. It’s so unwarranted and I never see Nashuri fans doing the same thing back. Enjoy what you like, and leave the rest behind. It's such an easy 1+1=2 concept and yet, it goes over people's head still. It’s honestly disappointing when a fandom turns you off to a ship/character, especially when the ship is lowkey dope. Something that reminds me of this was the stucky fandom when the Captain America movies came out. Y’all.......when I tell you this fandom had me STRESSED 🥴. I saw racism/ deliberate exclusion of Sam, hate towards Sharon Carter just because she was a woman, you name it. They annoyed me so bad that I began to dislike Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers as characters [trust me, it made no sense lol] I couldn’t stand seeing either one of their names pop up. It took some of the Avenger movies [and honestly the sambucky fandom + Sebastian Stan/ Anthony Mackie's friendship] coming out years later for me to even be remotely cool with the idea of Bucky Barnes again. Anyways *drinks water* I'm getting stressed all over again just thinking about it lmao Long story short, don’t be an asshole. Enjoy YOUR flavor of ice cream and try not to shit on others and their differing flavor of choice in the process. Trust me, it's easier than you think.

ALSO: If you are a shuriri fan that hasn't been hateful/ problematic, this isn't about you boo [yall are good in my books! 😘]

Crying that the #1 answer was “Bitch me!” because honestly mood. Jokes aside, I can’t really imagine Namor with another partner. It's probably largely due to the fact that Shuri was the main character we see him interact + bring his guard down with [outside of Namora?] This is also coming from someone who has not read the Namor comics and am very new to him as a character. If you have any knowledge you want to share in the comments, pls do ✨

ALSO: I threw in the Sue Storm comment to be annoying *teehee* but it was interesting to see how many people actually agreed with this statement. Maybe I'm just a horse with blinders about this fandom but I’m not really pressed? I’ve seen people argue that Ryan's current iteration of the Namor character wouldn't be in this type of relationship [along with people saying Tenoch wouldn’t go for it either] but I guess we'll just have to wait and see what unfolds *tries not to stress while we wait for future iterations of Namor and the fate of his character's arc/ Talokan*

The question on everyone’s mind! Although the delusional side of me was bummed that yall weren't more chaotic and went full "yes!", my logical side agrees with the final poll 🥲. Again, I'm not pressed about mcu and what they put out, whether it favors this ship or not. At the end of the day, I’m still going to vibe like I’ve been doing. If nothing else, I just hope we get to see these two characters and their rich dynamic again because Marvel can't ignore how the world reacted to Shuri and Namor. And hey, sometimes Marvel listens! Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie were on a mission after fans brought up a potential team up and after that, those two found every excuse to bring up a potential movie in interviews for YEARS until finally *boom* 🇺🇸🦅 The Falcon and the Winter Soldier Show 🦅🇺🇸 was born. Miracles do happen everyday rofl [I know these two examples have nothing to do with one another but let me have this lol]

ALSO: I only trust these characters in Ryan's hands so I'm hoping he's the first in line to direct whatever this future dynamic ends up being.

It was cool seeing what other protagonists this fandom is drawn to outside of Shuri/Black Panther. I’m curious to know what other ships y’all also enjoy [feel free to drop them in the comments if you care to share]. I feel like a lot of the top picks in this poll I also resonated with, like Iron man for example. I don’t know what it is but there is just something about a genius character with a mix of charisma/ big softy + sarcastic energy that will do it for me every 👏🏾single👏🏾 time 👏🏾

ALSO: Not everyone sleeping on Thor and Hulk?! 😭 I feel bad that I left out Ant-man [especially with Quantumania just coming out] but you can only do 10 options on Tumblr polls and it was between him and Captain Marvel so….a choice was made…..

This one cracks me up [and yes I had too much fun making these summaries which I find highly accurate] Also, I have no beef with any of these characters btw 😅 I truly believe that a hero is only as interesting as their counterpart. If your villain isn't captivating, it takes away from the hero + their storytelling potential and vice versa. The poll was split between Killmonger and Namor at one point [which if these two ever met/ were on screen together like ??? They have free reign to completely destroy my life. I welcome all calamity that ensues.] I'm not going to survive Namor and Kang in the same film this coming Avengers: Kang Dynasty movie.

ALSO: I didn't choose him but Thanos has been one of the most impactful/ compelling villains we’ve seen in the mcu thus far. I mean, he’s literally responsible for like 3 major films in the mcu + Josh Brolin is just amazing at what he does in general. This is brave to say but it was lowkey bittersweet to see his character's arc come to an end [obviously it was a huge relief but yeah]. Don't come for me.

This one was just for fun since I recently made that tenitia rant post but it was cool seeing some of you come back with your own film ideas of what Letitia and Tenoch could act in together. I'm so down bad for them that I'm game for absolutely anything. Romcom? Let's do it. A Podcast of them reviewing their favorite foods from their cultures? I'll eat with yall. Music video? Where's the link? I don't care what it is. Someone brought this up but I really wish we got more game interviews with them like them reading thirst tweets, answering the web's most searched questions, a joint hot ones interview, something! They would have killed those! Bring them back!🗣️ Bring them back! 🗣️ Bring them back! 🗣️

ALSO: Letitia has already voiced a character [Nooshy in "Sing 2"] so now I need Tenoch to do the same. I would love to hear his voice in something. It would realistically be in Spanish since I know the majority of his projects have been thus far but idgaf, I’m still showing up *turns on closed captions* [shout out to everyone who also started to learn spanish after this beautiful man came into our lives]

And last but not least, your blog feedback <3 Thanks again for giving your input on this. My blog is slowly starting to grow and I'm having a lot of new people interact with my page so I wanted to do a quick temperature check of what people are feeling. At the end of the day, I'm aways going to stick to what feels authentic to me and what I want to post because if you're not liking what you're doing, what are you doing it all for? But I will definitely keep this feedback in mind. For the people who are new or just coming across my blog, here are some examples of what I'm referencing in this poll: fan edits [1, 2, 3] rants [1, 2, 3] song recs [1, 2, 3] Tenitia [1, 2, 3].

ALSO: I thought I was doing the most with the amount of Tenoch posts I was blogging already but maybe not. Don’t worry, I'll find more ways to post our baby girl (:

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WOW, YOU'RE STILL HERE!? Nice 🥰 Seriously, thanks again to everyone who participated in this completely unserious poll. I've never done one of these before but now that I know what to do and not do, I may make another one in the future. We'll see. Continue to stay tuned for future Namor/Shuri + Tenoch/Letitia shenanigans 💫

#not this post accidentally posting earlier today and me being confused af ☠️ I hope no one read it rofl #this is way too long but here we are #nashuri #tenoch huerta #letitia wright #namor #shuri #bpwf #seaprincess #wakanda forever #black panther #namor x shuri #it would be cool to see how the fandom changes years from now and how different these answers may be #shout out to my fellow black/brown shippers 😘 #hopefully I’ll feel differently about the shuriri fandom bc the ship is honestly cute af #it’s everyone bypassing Thor/Hulk for me 🤣 #tenitia is my safe space #in Ryan we trust #marvel #namor movie #black panther 3 #poll results #back to our regularly scheduled programming

[bestnoncannonship]

I'm drowning in the gender sandbox guys.

I am agender. At least....I think I am. It's the closest to what I'm feeling. In that I really do not have an attachment to any gender and cannot conceive how people identify with a gender. Like....they just FEEL a gender? All the time? No matter what they look like and what they're wearing they FEEL a gender?? Whaaaa??? Sounds hella fake but okay.

And now I'm gonna talk about that and my experience for a while, in a series of ways that's probably gonna get the gender and sexuality neo-puritans to come yell at me for not being ritually pure enough in the way I talk but.....I'm talking from my own brain, baby. This is the toolkit I'm packing right now and the world I live in and I just need to spit it out. Maybe see if it resonates with people who know more than me. I don't know. Help.

I didn't question being a woman for the longest time. I grew up in a rural area culturally dominated by "Christians" (Not Catholics. I was Catholic. That comes with a whole different set of religious traumas pre-installed. I mean the ScAaRy protestent and nondenom Christians.) You didn't question anything. Not an adults orders. Not authority. Certainly not straightness. Gender was biological. I'd never heard of a trans person. There were rumors of Gays™. For most of my life it was just "Gender is the meat suit you got stuck with, right? I got stuck with this meat suit so it's my gender, I guess." And when I finally left the middle-o-nowhere for Le Citè and I met some (mostly bianary) trans people I was like "OH! OKAY!! Having strong feelings about being in the wrong meat suit can make a gender!" And the non bianaries that I met were still playing on that bianary scale. The "bit of boths" and the "different genders for different days" varieties. They has strange attachments to genders. And the whole retoric of "Questioning your gender and feeling things about you gender is the indicator that you might be trans!!" Just furthered my feeling that I must just be female by default cause like.....I didn't question anything. I didn't think about gender. I had a COMPLETE lack of feelings about gender whatsoever and that was normal, right?? Just meat suit gender. I certainly didn't have a strong feeling about wanting to be the opposite: *gag* a man?? A straight white man? Nope! I have no desire to be a bianary man and frankly I find 99 percent of men and male culture traumatic. So I must just be meat-suit gender.

And yes, I wanted to scrape my breasts and hips and thighs off with a cheese grater. But I wrote that off as a symptom of having started putting a finger down my throat after meals when I was 6 and having a family that forced hour upon hour exercise with their thighs and tummies wrapped in saran wrap and sang "I don't love her! She's too fat for me!" to a literal toddler and put that same toddler in oversized clothes to hide the healthy baby squish that toddlers HAVE. OF COURSE I wanted to die when my breasts grew in and my hips and thighs filled out. They were evil fat deposits. And they meant nothing but unwanted attention from yucky men. (Lesbianism to be discovered some 15 years later. My comphets we're almost as bad as my compgenders.) It had nothing to do with gender. Gender is just the meat suit ....and I already hated the meat suit by the time I had breast buds, they just enhanced a disgust that I thought was normal by then. Everyone kind of hates their meat suit, right?? Yes I wanted to look like men sometimes.....but they were skinny heroin chic men. I also wanted to look like kate moss. I wanted to look like a sideways door but my family is Italian and we have hips and thighs. It's just the meat suit I was assigned. Just have to learn to deal with it and dress it in the way that it looks most socially acceptable and get on with life. And my meat suit had a very gendered look, even in the deepest throws of my illness. "All woman." "The curves of a real woman." So that was just the hand I was dealt. Like having a hard to match foundation undertone. You don't gotta like it, it's just reality. Yes, I wanted to wear nothing but waistcoats and gay vampire clothes but they weren't cut for my body type so *shrug*.

Did I start to have way too much fun cosplaying and embodying male characters? Yes. But that was just identifying with characters. I'd always identified with characters. Did I still distinctly identify with the character's gender, even when I femmed the costume to avoid the hellish pain of binding? Yes. Did it make me feel weird when people referred to my Thor as a woman, even though it was technically a femme? Yes. But that was just feminism. Heroes don't need to be called girl heroes. No gender issues here!! Besides it's not weird in fandom circles to stongly identify with people across gender lines. The fact that I found the gendernope option if there was one available in the fandom and *attached* was surely just coincidental. Right??

Did I absolutely loose my mcfreaking mind when the gyno started talking about having to take my uterus away because the amount of blood it was loosing was doing irreparable harm to my body? Yes. My gender is my meat suit. When you take it away....what am I???? A *gag* man??? Nothing at all?? Am I still even human?? If I am not *gag* male and you take away the female part of the meat suit am I an aphid? A plant? A chair? But I was comforted by a chorus of voices saying "No!! You're a WOMAN. Infertility doesn't make you not a woman! You still have a woman's body!! Because you're a woman!!! Just look at you in your skirts and with your long hair!! You're a woman!!!" So.....still a woman, I guess. Because I still LOOKED like one. Gender = the PRESENTATION of the meat suit. That made sense. The structure of my meat suit made me limited to woman-presentation. So I was woman.

Then, it was the stupidest thing, I was talking to the other half of my life on the 4/5 train on the way to a friend's house about HER issues with gender presentation and the amount of attention to detail it takes to be socially acceptable as female and she said "You just know you're a girl. Like if they just picked you up and put you in a robot body you'd be a girl?" And I was like "......no? I'd be a robot?????" "But you'd still feel like a girl???" "No.....I'd feel like a ROBOT." "BUT you'd still like hear she/her and identify with those???" "No. I'd probably identify more with It/it's because that's what I'd be. A ROBOT!" And she's like "But what if your brain got transplanted into a boy body???" "Then I'd be a boy." "But what would you feel like?" "A BOY?" "Okay but what if you had a very neutral body with like no genitals? What would you feel like then??" "I mean....then it would depend on how I'm dressed. I'd feel like what I was dressed like." And we went around like this till she surmised that my entire relationship to gender was basically "You are what you look like." Which is apparently NOT how people relate to their own gender. They "feel" it somehow?? (I genuinely thought "FEELING" like a gender was what made trans people.) I feel nothing. I identify with a lot of things and ZERO of them are a gender. I thought that was normal. I thought that was the default. Apparently it's not. And then if you ask me what I want to be.....I can't answer. I really don't want to be a gender. I guess I want to be able to put different genders on at my will, like outfits, for societal convenience. But I don't "identify" with any of them. Hell, I have sweaters I identify with more than any particular gender. But there aren't really systems in place for describing and portraying that.

Gender.exe was not installed.

I did a lot of research. Agender felt closest. I actually felt closest to a Good Omens meme about Aziraphale describing his gender as "No, thank you!" That's what I feel like. But all the agender folks were vibing that moment. So I joined 'em. I am aware that puts me under the trans umbrella, but I don't really identify with that word. I don't feel like there's any transition. Any changing. Can't change what was never there. Also I feel like it's for people who....CAN present as their gender. I would be seen as an invader in those spaces. Its not bad enough to justify being in those spaces. I can live with being gendered. I just don't have one.

In the society we live in one cannot present as "not a gender". Someone with MY body definitely cannot present as "not a gender". The clothes that they make in size "giant human with planet tits" are agressively gendered. And even in a binder.....they're still REALLY there. (Yes, a reduction is desirable but I don't have reduction money.....and you can't reduce the fact that I'm the bowl shaped robust extreme female hipbone they use in Forensic Anthropology textbooks.) It is what it is. My body will always be perceived the way it's perceived. And frankly a lot of what we perceive as genderless is just "skinny body in masc style with short hair and makeup". That's not really want I want. I don't want to cut off my hair. It's my one really good feature and I've worked hard to grow out these Valkyrie worthy lengths. Mens clothes are so limiting. And there are no gender: no thank you clothes. (One well meaning friend kept trying to send me "genderless" clothes......but it was all rail thin afabs in mens clothes with short hair and heavy makeup. That's not looking genderless. That's just being skinny.) Gender no thank you presentation is very tied to short hair and thin bodies. So I've accepted that I don't get to play in the gender sandbox outside of the privacy of my own mind. It's a societal flaw. But whatever.

But pronouns are starting to really bother me. Everyone is so into them and identifying with them. And like.....I don't get it. I don't get the joy. I don't think I've found the one. Like.....I'm used to she. I will always be read as she. I will always be Miss and Ma'am in stores and restraunts. So I just kind of roll with it. I don't hate it. I don't like it. It's just a thing that I have to have to exist in society. Like a social security number. I actually think I identify with my social security number more. There's no point in making myself uncomfortable with something that's just going to be a part of my life. And I don't want to be the kind of person who expects people to address me by a pronoun they can't see and aren't used to. It's too much to ask of the average citizen of a gendered society to go through that much gender theory for just me. So "she" is an inevitable part of my life. And He....well ......I don't hate it. I dont like it. It's just there. I certainly don't get called it. And I'm not capable of presenting it well enough for this to be relevant. Now they......fuck I HATE they. I hate that it's the acceptable pronoun for anyone not bianary male or female. It just rubs me the wrong way. When people refer to me as they, I feel like they're referring to me and the host of mental illnesses I carry around and you don't have permission to address those troops thank you very much. They causes a genuine squick. But it's kinda the only widely acceptable option. I kinda like "it". I VIBE with it. It feels good. Unfortunately the people in my life have a certain reluctance about calling me it as they believe that happy vibe around a traditionally dehumanizing pronoun may be a trauma symptom. They might be right so I'm tabling "it" till I find a good therapist. Also...I cannot ask strangers to call me it. I don't have the confidence it takes to explain why and I frankly don't want to be faced with the criticism and questions I would face because I am unable to make my body be perceived as Nonbinary. I don't have the confidence or conviction to face that every day forever. Ditto neopronouns. I also haven't found one that I vibe with at all yet.

And queer labels get harder when you pull away from gender entirely. Like ... I am a Lesbian. I am solely attracted to women. But now I'm getting a lot of "You can't be a lesbian if you don't have a gender!!!" And like ...can I??? I like being a lesbian. It feels right. It conveys what I want it to convey. I like the exclusion of men entirely, after being taught to structure my life around men. I have a kinship with womanhood. It's where I was raised. It's how people see me. I just don't identify with it. It's not how I see myself. I guess that can kind of exclude me from the label? All of our terms are defined by being attracted to "your own gender" or "the opposite gender" or "both your own gender and other genders" and like ... I don't have a gender. And the opposite of nothing is....?? Fuck if I know? So what term am I allowed to use? I love queer for exactly this reason. But it just doesn't have the same clarity that lesbian does.

So I'm just kind of in a hole rn. Grappling with the fact that I really don't have a gender in a gendered world, and dealing with the fact that so much of our understanding and acceptance of gender is about presentation, a door closed to my body. I don't have the confidence or the spoons or the knowledge or the experience to fight this fight. The path of least resistance is sticking my head back into the sand and going with straightforward womanhood....but now it feels like I'm lying. I feel like an intruder in woman's spaces. And I can't go in men's spaces, they see me as....well...a woman. Lesser.

Someone out there who's better at the genders please help.

#agender #gender crisis #gender identity #gender problems #pronouns #nonbinary #enby #nb #non bianry #agender lesbian #nonbinary lesbian

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Pan? Polysexual sounds better now

Back to guys, gay girls, nonbinaries, pan, bi, gender-fluid, and queer people.

I might have to take a recap on matches who are trans for right now,

I still have a lot to learn about what my true identity is for right now.

Because I really can't stick to just one label...

Aye, that's just me. And dating apps are starting to feel like a job, there's too many people matching with me and trying to remember names is getting a lot to handle when you're on 3 different apps and about 20 conversations going at the same time. And still 99 people waiting on you to swipe right on them, on each one. And plus I'm not as picky about looks as I was before, so I'm mostly reading just bios, analyzing photos to see what could be their interests in, and making sure I'm not being too passive on red flags when people talk to you.

I will admit, I still swipe right on them if they're trans and I'm attracted to them. I just know me, I'd rather date someone who was fully transitioned or somebody who is still on the nonbinary, before part. Only because I know me.

I had to watch someone I had already grown into getting to know and getting attached to, and then when I finally got comfortable with them for over a yr, they changed that drastically during those 3months we were separate and I had no idea about it.....I'm not sure if I could watch it happen before my eyes. Cause then I would have to miss the way they were before, because of my attraction to their naturally mixed feminine/masculine looking features and actions. So, ideally I wouldn't have changed anything about them.

I don't wanna grow attached to a voice or a face or a body that will no longer be there tomorrow. I know that person before is still in there, but it's different when you're romantically attracted to them, been intimate with them vs when you're just a friend. My experience shocked and scared my paranoia and fear of change. I remember crying when my dad started growing white and grey hairs in his beard. Cause I never want my dad to change, cause I've grown up with him being this strong man that always was there for me, held me, made me feel safe, calmed me down when I had my moments, and tucked me in when I wanted to feel comfortable. He showed me that he always loved me, always cared about me, and that he was never gonna leave me. As if he's never gonna die during my time on this earth. Seeing his greyishly, white hairs, I thought death and that my daddy will soon no longer be the fun, happy, strong dad that I've always been with as his princess. And that's kind of what vibe this particular person was to me, even though they weren't as smart, strong, or always there for me....cause most of the time my nights alone cause they couldn't or didn't know I needed them to be there fo r me like that to feel loved or just to feel wanted. Cause I couldn't speak up.

But now, that they has turned into a he. I feel like its brutally denying me to chance to not only say goodbye to them as they, but I would have to get reacquainted to HE, with a totally different name, maybe different personality, maybe different sexuality, and I won't know if I like the new evolved version of this person. The fear of the unknown is high for me. Especially when there's a 40% rate of fems that decided to change their sexual orientation after taking testosterone. I 'm possessive about my partners and I would hate to know that after seeing this person physically change and go through so much emotional/mental changes that one day they decide "Hey, I think I like men now, I wanna give this a shot. Could we make this work?"

I would tell Him, to go right ahead and go on a date with that coworker or guy on Tinder/Grinder. But I'm not gonna be here when you come home. Because to me that's some bullshit. And I've known this person well enough to know, that they don't mind using other people to meet their sexual needs that I can't possibly give them due to my actual gender and my body as such. I wouldn't want to share my partner, nor watch them get fucked by another man...because I'm not a man, im a woman...theres a huuuuuugggeeee difference.

And if it ever came to that point 3 yrs later and He became someone I didn't know anymore, because of the hormones changing how they feel as a man, dysphoria gone....I get it, you've hated yourself for years and now you're happy in the dream body you always asked for. But, I would be scared to lose you, to whoever else you decide to open up to in your selections. Cause you're that type to leave to please you and not make it work. I don't want somebody who changes their mind all the time about who they wanna be, who else do they wanna smash, and who else they can flirt with. That's cheater mentality.

And I'm sorry trans community that I'm basing my recent experience with someone as the example for the rest of you. Because I know there are some ftm's who've already changed and stayed with their partners. I just don't know if I could trust this process, knowing the effects, the research on whether or not they become completely detached to women or become bisexual... I can't.

And I'm thankful for the ftm's that have been posting youtube videos and tiktoks for viewers like me who are curious about the possible cons, and physical or emotional changes they've overcome. I was shocked the first time I ever watched a bandaged ftm, who finally unrevealed their scars from top surgery. I've always been preparing myself for this. Because I knew one day, that this cute, fluffy, soft skinned, white latino looking, but really just mixed mocha, nonbinary person was gonna be...changed over a year or so. I thought I could prepare for it, so that when it does happen it doesn't hurt as much to watch to them in pain if the bleeding from the scars are irritating them or if one day they're super cranky and obnoxious for what seems to be no reason. Or if one day they end up feeling they dont need anybody like Zanthos, with the 4 avenger rings lol.

But I'm too damn fucking sensitive. I was born this way. I've always prepared myself with the worst and the best information, that way when it does happen, the tidal wave of emotions from the reaction, doesn't end up torching my soul or blowing me out the water. Cause I am gay. I adore women, men, and when I met this person I loved them as an in-betweener as nonbinary. They are so brutally harsh, twisted, manipulative, jealous, and possesive. But I've always liked that they had these emotions inside of them that they hold back because they don't wanna seem so soft, always hiding this feminine quality about them because ideally, they're pretty looking, gorgeous eyes that can turn black cold like obsidian, and those fucking cheeks and cat nose. I've only seen the slight hips, but I didn't mind it. And they've always hid their body away even when we would try to have sex. I knew the dysphoria was there, cause again I prepared myself to be patient and kind.

So, I'm glad they're turning a new leaf to make themselves feel more confident about being recognized in society as a full, grown ass man. I'm pretty sure HE, is gonna get cocky af, cause that's just the way he was when they were they.

I know it's selfish of me to say, but I'm afraid of what will happen down the line years later. But that's just me being afraid. If He ends up not liking me anymore, I know it won't be the end of the world and I walked away at the right time when I did. Because this person is currently separated from me, and I'm still insecure about that part too. Not knowing how they are during this transition for what may become years or not...I hope HE is doing okay and not piercing everyone with their new, world domination, ego.

I just don't wanna imagine them get fucked by a guy....sorry that's just me. And will their buttery ass kisses, still be as sweet anymore?

Will I be ok with HE having chest hair?

Will I love the sound of their new voice or will I just hate it, while still missing the old, brodie, sexy, slightly feminine voice?

Especially when they used to go all soft and cuddly on me over the phone, it was soooo cuteeee. I miss our phone and text conversations.

Will they grow into another relationship with somebody else because they started to become unattached and unattracted to my body, my tits, my hips, my vagina even....just because they completely changed their identity?

And I still a woman? I've only thought about wearing a binder a couple of times, and yes, I do watch ftm and trans porn because I did like the fantasy of being intimate with someone who had a bigger clit size or just having a big clit of my own that felt like a dick.

I'm willing to admit that. Because let's be honest, boys get away with so much more shit as a male, compared to us females.

I wish I could grow a dick overnight and nobody not know I'm still a chick! Lol, but I still don't like the all over hair body growth and I still want my vagina back. Like a rental suit with an actual dick and no tits. Those are the onllyyyyyyyyy things I've thought about, but would never admit out loud. Only because I still like my body and my gender identity as is. I feel like the blue girl from X-Men could get away with it, cause she can be anybody she wants to and go back to being herself at the end of the day. And still camouflage behind walls. Lucky chick. Especially if she could teleport, oh he'll yeah.

It's gonna take me awhile to get over this, so please be patient with me. As I'm trying not to cry as I watch my ftm porn get fucked by a guy. Cause I used to be heavy into it, now I feel wrong for watching it and then I'm reminded "40% chance, you're watching it" 😞🤮😫

[apricops]

humiliation, praise kink stuff, fem guys (not to be confused with femboys, but you can answer for both if you want)

(obvious content warning for talking a lot about sex, in specific detail)

(also, doin’t rebloig)

Humiliation (being on the receiving end):

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know

For me at least, humiliation and praise kink are partially two sides of the same coin, especially if it’s a “punishment”/”reward” type of thing. And for whatever reason it’s hot to me when the sex act itself is sort of a... means to an end? Part of a cause-and-effect chain? The appeal of the e.g. “you’ve been bad and therefore I’m going to punish you (in the butt)” is that the sex itself becomes sort of un-intimacy-ified. Which, in turn, makes enjoying it a sort of taboo -- someone’s doing something to you that, in their eyes, is a sort of banal cruelty, but to you it’s an erotic pleasure.

On the other hand, just plain ol’ humiliation is also good. It’s a sort of emotional BDSM, being vulnerable enough with your partner to let them cause intense, potentially uncomfortable feelings, especially if the target of humiliation hits a little close to home. In a sense, it’s almost a way to explore the insecurities and worries that can be present in any relationship but to turn them from a fear into something that can be enjoyed, e.g. “I know it’s natural that I’d still recognize other people as being attractive, even if I’m in a committed relationship, and there’s no way in hell I’d cheat, but it’s weird to see another person and have my brain go ‘they’re hot.’“ --> “ooh I’m a horny little piggy, you’ll have to humiliate me for it (in the butt).”

Praise kink stuff:

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know

I’m kind of splitting the difference here, because it feels a lot of different ways in a lot of different scenarios. If we’re talking about submissive stuff, the whole “good boy” thing can feel uncomfortably infantilizing, but in a more “vanilla” sense (by which I mean sex as just sex and not as plumbing deep psychosexual depths), showering each other with compliments while smooching and heavy petting is 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 10/10 A+

Fem guys:

Okay I got a lot to talk about before I answer this. Partially it’s awkward to answer because I’m a bi guy in a committed relationship with a woman, and that makes it feel a little weird to sing the praises of guys.

This is also when it gets really awkward because I’m part of that group of... “Used to be a Too Online teenager who had burgeoning sexual realizations when 4chan was in its heyday but not yet known among the normies, and when the tidal wave of hentai was first starting to wash all over sketchy US websites.” So in short, my first experiences with my own bi-ness involved me as a teenager consuming stuff about futanari and gender transformation and, uh, tr*ps.

And then I thankfully grew up, stayed the fuck off of 4chan, bounced around a few places and settled on Tumblr a few years later. Then on Tumblr I remember seeing discourse about “masc-4-masc” and the seeming epidemic of beefcake gays who daren’t deign to have sex with the mincing, effeminate kind of gays, and I was never into macho guys to begin with, and for a while I felt like I was less “bi” and more “straight, mostly, but willing to be tricked,” like I imagined if I was walking around with a hypothetical effeminate boyfriend and encountered a bunch of homophobes, one of them would be like “oi gay boy what’re you fags doing around here” and another one would nudge the first man and be like “nah dude, look, one of them is feminine enough to make this kind of straight” and then they’d apologize for the misunderstanding and disperse.

Caveat: yes, I realize now how all that was wrongheaded, regressive, and feeding into/fed from harmful stereotypes about gender, and could easily be taken as some real bad implications about trans women. I’m being honest about the dumb shit I thought when I was in my late teens and early twenties, please don’t turn this into Receipts. To be honest, I still feel a little awkward about the attraction because it feels a little like it comes from a sort of automatic implication that more feminine = more sexier and more masculine = less sexier.

having said that,

No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know

One time I was talking with my gf about all this kinda stuff and out of nowhere she looked at me and said “you seem like you’re really into twinks who top.” The whole time I felt like I was struggling to find what I want to say and work through all these complicated feelings and she just casually turned to me and pierced straight through my soul with raw truth.

#doin't rebloig

[bristlepaws]

(1/4) ok apologies but like i think you’re a nice person and i want to help if i at all can so I’m just gonna rapid fire some thoughts about the gender stuff in case any of it is any help. feel free to ignore if not and you don’t gotta post any of it. if tldr You’re Valid

tldr for my own responses: Thank You, ur asks made me emotional in like a good way so i am absolutely posting them--

“[ask continued] 1) cutting your own hair is pretty easy when your cutting it short! 2) youre not trespassing on Sacred Trans Ground, normalising the process of figuring yourself out is beneficial to all of us! 3) i dont want to stereotype or force anything on you, but if it makes you any more comfortable when i first found your blog i repeatedly had to check your bio cause i got nb vibes. so if you WANT that 'external perspective' validation there's that. all your musings seem very aligned with nbs along the nonbinary women to genderfluid kind of spectrum? i know there’s a term for genderfluid folks who mostly feel like women but still sometimes don’t, though i can’t remember it. i also know there are women who fully identify as women, but for whom being butch or a tomcat is intrinsically linked to their gender experience too. so if its the expression and perception itself thats on your mind there’s maybe something to look into there.”

i have successfully enlisted my best friend to buzz off most of my hair for me, so i am definitely going to pursue the Short Haircut thing as soon as they and i get together in person >:3 

IT IS good to hear about the normalization thing, especially since you are not the first person to tell me so -- it’s definitely helping me feel more comfortable in kind of. publicly exploring it lmfao and opening myself up to feedback. 

hearing that you got nonbinary vibes from my blog in general is like, Making Me Feel Things. it’s genuinely, weirdly, such a relief to hear? i often come under the impression that i give off really feminine vibes so im glad that Isn’t Really the case. cuz i definitely. would vastly prefer Not Fem vibes from myself. WHICH I GUESS SAYS SOMETHING LOL........ 

i will definitely look into the genderfluid-mostly-sometimes-woman term :eyes emoji: and i’ve never heard of the term tomcat before, i’ll look into that too! i’ve been doing some research on like, butch culture in general and find it appealing (but again am unsure if it’s in an “im attracted to butches” way or an “i vibe with this” way lmao). so i’ll put out feelers into some more specific areas to see if i can like... vibe with anything & get more of a concrete idea of what i align with? i guess? yes. 

thank you for sending these!! i really appreciate it, you’re very sweet

#ask #long post #gender #milkywayhitchhiking #ramblings

[werevulvi]

These pics are just to show my dented ribs, cause like... suffer with me? Also cause I feel strangely alright with what my chest looks like in these pics. But anyhow. On left pic I'm pointing at the centre where it goes in and then pops out again on both sides of the sternum/breastbone. And yes, that's my bone bending like that, not just fat or muscles. Likely from having pushed my breasts towards the centre in binders and sports bras. On the right pic I'm pointing at the big dent on the lower left side of my ribcage, which is right where the sports bra elastic goes. My lowest ribs then curve out much farther than they do on the other side. Putting pressure on either of those dented areas hurts a bit.

(The bump above my nipple on the right pic is literally just my pec muscle, so no need to worry about that one.) And yes I'm sucking in my stomach here only so that you can see my ribs better, I don’t normally do for photos. I've sure gotten hairy again since I stopped shaving my body, and I like the soft fluff! It’s dark brown, almost black, irl. Which is quite a contrast to my ivory skin. And yes my happy trail does connect with my chest hair, which almost connects with my beard but not quite. Those little tufts just above the scars on my chest are my actual nipple hairs, or used to be before the nips were relocated during top surgery. They're weirdly misplaced little hairs now, but that's why they're there. And yeah, 5 years post-op but the scars never became white. But let's get onto the topic. I've come across a new doubt about my wish to have breast reconstruction, which I'm already looking into and not brushing under any carpets. I do want to make as sure as I possibly can that I make the right decision about my chest this time, so I'm tackling every doubt I get about it. And that new doubts keep popping up from time to time, worries me too. Even though I sorted through all the previous ones. So what's it this time? Since I've started going flat in public a couple weeks ago or something (I think the last time I went out with boobs on was June 6th or around that date) I've noticed I seem to be less likely to be assumed to be a trans woman, and instead seen as just a gnc man. And strangely that actually feels better, mentally. It's still very far from ideal, but I feel it's the slightly better of the two evils.

What would be ideal? In a perfect (and highly unrealistic) world: I'd love it if people would just know I'm a female who's taken testosterone and/or see I'm a masculinised woman even if they can't figure out, or know, how. And without me having to change my body at all. But that is not how reality works and I know that people won't perceive me that way just because I want for them to.

So, without changing my body again I'm basically stuck having to choose between being perceived as either a "cis" man or a trans woman, depending on my presentation and style. (Cause apparently we are assuming "gender identity" and not just bio sex, these days.) Of course I don't have 100% control over which one of those I'll be read as, but I've come to notice that people do seem to be much more likely to "trans me" when I'm wearing my breast forms cause that is adding a female (not just feminine) trait to my otherwise male appearance... and they seem to be much more likely to think I'm simply a man (albeit gnc) when I go flat but still keep a feminine style. However, some still read me as a gnc man with boobs and some still read me as a trans woman without them.

Exactly why I seem to prefer being read as a whole ass man rather than as a trans woman, is complicated and not entirely nice, but basically this: Both trans women and "cis" men are bio male, and it's the assumption that I'm bio male that rubs me backwards, at the core of it.

However, being assumed to be a trans woman adds another layer to it. It makes me feel like people shove the gender ideology down my throat that is hard to wiggle myself out of, and it makes me feel like I'm perceived as a "fake" woman and a "fake" lesbian. A fraud, to be brutally honest. Whereas when I'm assumed to be simply a gnc man, the gender ideology is not being shoved down my throat, people don't comment on my assumed genitals, etc. But above all I'm more likely to be treated with respect, which feels hugely relieving.

But mostly what truly whacks my mind about being assumed to be MtF is that it makes me feel like I'm an imposter of an imposter. Double wrong. While when seen as a man, I merely feel like I'm simply an imposter. Plain wrong. And that, is exactly why I feel like "gnc man" is a better wrongful assumption than "trans woman" is. Cause two wrongs really don't make a right.

But regardlessly, I am not and will never be an actual man. I am an imposter, a male impersonator of modern times. But at the same time I believe I'm more authentic like this than I would be if I tried to force myself into acquiring a stereotypical "womanly" appearance. That would be a charade just as much, if not more. That was a long ramble about how I'm perceived again, but it's highly relevant to my doubt about getting breast reconstruction, just hear me out. Cause that, what I'm read as based on what's going on on my chest, was was made the doubt creep out from its shadows, just a few days ago. It has gotten me suddenly worrying I might not like it how I'd be perceived if I have permanent boobs on my chest that I wouldn't be able to hide. Cause no more binding, ever. I've fucked my ribs over enough for a lifetime. And of course, how fucking moot and dumb it would be to bind after breast reconstruction! The thing, however, is that if I actually prefer to be seen as a gnc man over being seen as a trans woman, and boobs being the tipping point between those two perceptions... that creates a thorn in my side, a doubt, a conflict even, about if breast reconstruction really is the right choice for me then.

Ever since I left my boobs at home those weeks ago, people have left me alone about my gender/sex. Out of all the 5 or 6 strangers that have come up and talked to me since then, zero have confronted me about my gender, sex or even my style. It is a relief to just be left alone about my body like that.

I'm also feeling slightly (possibly even increasingly) okay with my chest as it is. I do still regret my top surgery and I still miss having boobs, and it's definitely possible that I'm just disassociating from my chest being flat now, but... Yesterday I was even walking around in my neighbourhood wearing literally just a skirt, fem slippers, my lesbian necklace, red lipstick, and an open, flimsy tunic/cardigan. The wind grabbing it quite a lot means most of my chest showed, including nipples, and my neighbours could see it as I walked back and forth to the laundry house to clean my dirty clothes.

Is it weird? Well, I highly doubt I'd be reported for indecent exposure cause I'm at least 99% sure everyone in my neighbourhood thinks I'm male. Cause they certainly looked shocked at me when I first started going fem in my early detransition a year ago. I've only lived in this area since mid-transition, so no one here knows my history with that. Basically I can't imagine my neighbours think I'm somehow bio female, without slipping into the territory of wishful thinking. But it has gotten me thinking: when I don't shave anywhere, and don't wear boobs, knowing I can only pass as male that way... am I not technically "presenting male" then, despite being female and also so feminine in my style? I mean, up until the point I introduce myself as "Laura" that is. Also, last night I took a shower, and for the first time in... I dunno how many years, if ever... I actually enjoyed soaping and touching my chest in gentle, massaging and caressing ways. For but a glimpse of a moment, I could connect to it for probably the first time since top surgery, or ever, in a non-sexual way. It is indeed a breakthrough. It is also a hint of its possible true potential. That I could maybe at some point come to peace with it. Why do I feel so bad for regretting my transition? Cause even though I achieved a 100% passability, here I am, still dysphoric and miserable, missing the womanhood I traded away. Oh, what a fool I was. This irrevokable fate that seems like an impossible dream for the dysphoric, and I'm just pissing on it. I'm sorry, but I cannot appreciate having been transformed into a highly believable illusion of something I can never actually become and no longer want to be. I never thought it could hurt. I never knew it could hurt like this. Was I sold a lie? But back to my chest. I know getting new tits won't make me any more or less female, and it wouldn't make me pass as female either. What I'd want them for is personal comfort in the private, in both non-sexual and in sexual contexts, and vaguely also cause it would help me relate better and more positively to other women. I'm jealous of every pair of boobs I ever see, clothed or uncovered, and that hurts. But what makes me now hesitate, perhaps for real, is this new, gnawing inkling of a feeling that what if I'd miss having a flat chest? Sometimes I like the look of it, in the sense that it kinda goes with my otherwise male appearance and who doesn't/wouldn't like the feeling of a soothing breeze on their bare chest during a hot summer day? Cause it sure does feel good. Oh god, I wish I could just have the cake and eat it at the same time!

It's been 5 years since I had my top surgery, but did I ever truly try to make amends with it, before my detransition? No, I didn't. What I did was trying to force myself to like the result of it, and that's not a successful approach. Just like I didn't exactly manage to like being a woman when I during my teens tried to force myself to become fine with my female body after I had figured out I was likely a trans guy at age 15, and up until the point I said "fuck it" and began my social (and eventually medical) transition at age 19. During those 4 years my dysphoria only worsened, and I think my rabid attempt to force myself to like being female was part of why it only got worse. Forcing self-love is not the way to achieve it. It won't work. Just like you can't beat depression out of yourself, or any other issue, you can't beat dysphoria out of yourself either. That kind of force is actually more likely to make it worse instead, I believe. Cause it'll just strengthen your belief that it won't work. However, to gently and with compassion for yourself and your struggle try out different things, over a longer time and with lots of patience, to slowly accept and come to terms with it can lead to the dysphoria disappearing. To not punish yourself for still being dysphoric or for not "succeeding", but rather reward yourself for even just trying and for every little thing that may improve on the way. At least that's how I managed to accept and embrace being female in my late 20's despite having failed so miserably at it during my teens, because this time I didn't force it. I killed that dysphoria with kindness, quite literally.

Likewise, I think there is a chance I could come to accept and embrace my flat chest if I just stopped forcing myself to, and tried it with gentle self-care and curiosity, without pressure to achieve anything. If only I just want to and can be prepared to give myself that kind of care and patience, one more fucking time. Cause I've only got one body and I'm so fucking painfully aware of it now. I can't fuck it up again. Detransitioning requires so much more soul-searching and scrambling around in my brain for answers, self-care and patience, etc, than transitioning ever did. Well... that's why I ended up detransitioning, I think. Cause I didn't do a good job at truly looking into myself the first time around. Would I still have wanted to go on T if I had known everything I know now, though? Oh absolutely, but that's not the topic of today.

But whether I'll in the long run wanna live as a male-presenting woman incognito or later on down the road change my body in some way, I can't know for sure at this point. Perhaps I'm just not mentally ready yet to take that kind of leap. Or perhaps I don't ever want to present fully female again and may end up loving this look and contradiction as I grow more secure within myself and more confident. But either which way, I will have to follow this new doubt carefully and see where it takes me. Keep going flat for a while and see how it goes, and see if how I'm perceived really changes based on that and if that really feels better in the long run to be perceived as a man. To take advantage of this very hot summer to be shirtless also in public to test my comfort level with that, and if I'd miss that. To explore my flatness gently and with careful patience to see if it really is so bad. To ask my brain: what is this lingering doubt trying to tell me? I'll start with giving it this summer, then more time if needed. I'll still go to the surgery consultation that could happen anytime now. It's not like I'd have to get the surgery by just going to that consultation, cause I'll need to go through my trauma therapy first, and even if it's expected I'd go through with surgery after consultation, I can always cancel at any point. Also, being informed of what a surgeon can do for me and my specific chest, as well as getting my questions about the surgery answered, would surely be helpful in my decision-making as well. I mean, that's what surgery consultations are for. Because I still lean towards wanting it more than I lean towards maybe not wanting it, I think cautiously proceeding with my thumb close to the cancel button is not a bad idea.

#my pics #top surgery #detransition #regret #dysphoria #gender critical #surgery doubts #5 years post op #my dented ribs #venting #desisting

[aibrechts]

Would you do a Tyki/Allen reclist??

YES, i certainly WILL HAHA

if you know me then you know i love my tykillens 100% consensual and thats. That’s a bit tough, cause not many in the fandom seem to agree with me lol.  it’s a bit of a wasteland in ao3 not gonna lie but the tag there has recently been blessed, and I’ll dig out some old gold too

Honestly it’s uh. It’s probably gonna be easiest to organise this by authors and then I’ll like. Pick a couple of my favourites from each of them, and link a few randoms i like at the end. 

 Moonswing: I love the way this author writes them - the dialogue especially is quick, witty and so so fun, and the ideas they come up with are

Loves Company is the first poker pair fic i read that gave me hope for this ship. it’s so light and funny and good and went a long way to inspiring me to continue writing for the pair.Some Minor Issues looks like it’s only just been started and I honestly cant wait for more. Modern AU where Tyki is the son of a mob boss, the best trans Allen i’ve ever read (in a world of fem!allen i have finally found an oasis of casual and accurate representation). definitely excited to see where it goes, if it goes, idk if it’s gonna be continued or what but !!!!Reapers is another new one, and the title kinda says it all lol. Allen and Lavi are reapers working for the Earl, and Allen is designated Tyki’s personal servant ahahaha

hiat:Not gonna lie i haven’t actually read a LOT from this author, but what I have read has been exceptional

A Small Reprieve is wonderful, especially considering it’s the author’s first smut like. Damn. It’s sweet and a little bit sad, but this is Tykillen so what did u expect lmaoFondant and Fakery is so cute and sweet like omfg ahahaha it’s all the lighthearted Tykillen fluff i ever neededWorlds Apart is probably my favourite from them, but im not sure if it’s ongoing or if they’ve abandoned it? Another mob AU and i really really hope they continue it because !!!!! im in love with this fic ahahaha and want to see more

ArbitrarySpaces:oohhh boyyyy //rubs hands together

While You Sleep is somehow the only soulmates au (that i know of) and i love it?? its amazing and cute, where each Allen and Tyki sees through the other’s eyes in their dreams.Mr. Poker Face is super funny and lighthearted - i love the flow of dialogue, it’s so quick and witty and them I honestly yelled a lil when I saw it’d been updated with a second chapter.How to Build a Life Together depicts snapshots of Tyki and Allen, uh. Building a life together i guess lol. Each chapter is a different point in their relationship, starting from the point where Tyki gives Allen a rock (and not in the traditional sense. That comes later lmao).

rustandstardust:they’ve got some damn good shit i tell ya

it’s all a game is so ???? good ??? casino au where allen’s a tease and tyki’s a sucker, everything feels so lavish and indulgent and i love it!connection I haven’t… actually…. read. But! it’s on my agenda tonight tbh and I have high expectations lollove me like you mean it is also really good, like. I don’t know what else to say lmfao it’s just… good. 

CandyCrackpot:I am shocked and appalled by the fact I almost missed them because they’re like. Like. If there’s a holy trinity in this fandom then they’re god. just. Just straight up they’re a fucking god okay.

Gamble got me on the bottom!tyki hype train and i have yet to follow through - mostly because i’m intimidated by the quality of writing and characterisation that went into this 100% rly fukkin good would recommend.//squints// and uh that’s all for them??? but they have a HEAP of other fics for this fandom ((if ur looking for some soft papa mana and baby allen fluff then Smile is def the place to go))

Hurryup:every time i think about them my chest gets tight and my hands start shaking like ???? is this love ?????????????? fam help i think im dying honest to god

shutdown is… its, uh. I honestly can’t put it into words. It’s the best Tykillen fic I’ve ever read. It’s beautiful, subtle, quiet, so bitter and sweet, but somehow not bittersweet and i honestly. i dont know how to explain how that’s possible but it is and it’s perfect and i will scream from the top of mount fucking ararat about how good it is til the day i drop dead okay like. if you read only one fic from this list, let it be this one.idk why i thought they’d written more tykillen than that, probably because it was so fucking good and the characterisation was flawless, but for the life of me i can’t find any others for this ship by them so…??? but lots of link/allen if ur into that. i haven’t read them personally but if shutdown is any indication they’re gonna be lit like a talking bush.

—Assorted—

Chinchirinoda’s fic Worship gave me a hand kink. No kidding, it’s short and sweet and quiet and sad and lovely and one of my OG favourite Tykillen fics

I haven’t actually read Allen’s worst Struggle by slaying_dragons, or Night of Truce (new author on the block what up) but I have the tabs open and im prob gonna get to those tonight too lol

Let’s Do Something Wrong by kittybandit is a super cute collection of super short super sweet prompt-drabbles. Like condensed milk. Or a shot of straight cordial. Or cocaine. The yoga one is def my favourite, but they’re all amazing

autumntea is the kind of cruel where they’ll write 700-ish words and every single letter is perfect and amazing and makes u want MORE but then like. there isn’t. there isn’t more thERES NEVER MORE AND I WISH THERE WAS BC IT’S ALL SO GOOD. all of it. Every tykillen fic they wrote is a dicktease and i want MORE, DAMMIT

If you want crack (and for some reason Kingdom Hearts characters working in a casino ????), Sin City Dreamers by The_Button_Harlequin is lit the most well-written shitpost i’ve ever had the experience of reading, like. I lit couldn’t stop laughing while reading it it’s… No, i can’t explain it, you have to read it yourself to understand lmfao definitely worth it, I promise. i promise.

And, uh. I dont mean to toot my own horn (i totally do bruh look at my ego okay) but if you’d like a chef’s special then i recommend make it out alive for smut, and Pilate saith unto them, behold the man for ‘fluff’ (so far as fluff goes in my vocabulary) and Mutually Beneficial for Tyki’s big dumb crush.

—

There you have it !!! that’s. That’s pretty much the entire consensual Tykillen tag right there. And it’s all good like idk how yall do it but ur fukkin masterminds okay im honestly in shock, still in shock actually after reading Hurryup’s fic last night like. fuck i wanna cry just thinking about it lmfao it’s so perfect and beautiful and sad like jesus fam let me breathe. 

I know you’re going to find something in here you love and if you don’t then im. i don’t know what to tell u man lol this is the best of the best so i hope u enjoy yourself

#poker pair fic rec #anon #dgm #d gray man #allen #tyki #allen walker #tyki mikk #poker pair #tykillen #fic rec #i got so carried away im not even sorry #I LOVE THEM OKAY #I LVOE THEM A LOT #THE PAIRING AND THE FICS #JUST #ALL OF IT #I LOVE IT

[honexjams]

tag list for this blog (which is like five years old and i like sorting so this is gonna be a doozy)

nice stuff: •cute- cute animals •bugs- cute bugs n reptiles n such •positivity- ya general positivity and just really happy nice stuff •faith in humanity restoration •attractive peeps •infodumping- peoples talk about their wild experiences in the form of a list or good ole InfoDumping about a cool topic

content: •art (see also honexocs, my art blog) •music •queer- lighthearted queer stuff n humor lgbt- queer history and discourse •trans (see also my blog transpositivemedia, not that active but some positive nice trans stuff) •phan- dan and/or phil.. some shippy some not but beware that tag runs years old you will see a side of me few others have witnessed •gg- game grumps •autism- discourse •awtistic- chill autism tfws and all •food- (see also my stim blog pretty-stim, its full of food makin vids) •ww/bp/sm/su/b99/ow- wonder woman, black panther, spiderman, steven universe, brooklyn99, overwatch, etc like i dont watch/play any of that stuff but hey theyre on here i have tags for them •fem- feminism/woman positivity (not trans woman exclusive) •r- race related (some positive some negative •history

Quality: •queue- p good post •fav- so good i astral projected •talkin.555- just me talkin ft the occasional shitpost 1/10 •its the me- again some o l d stuff be cautious •long- ow my thumbs hurt long posts •loud •discourse

misc: •honestly digging this aesthetic- nice aesthetic posts •vithre- long story basically when i was little i came up with an alien world full of like plant/animal and human hybrids and the tag is just stuff i found similar to that •cryptids •mermaids •witches and vampires •food

references: •reference- art inspiration •art ref- art references specifically •writing ref •sick life strats- those lil ‘how to feel better’ posts and such •home plans- like interior design cause im a dad

triggers (Throw Me An Ask if you want something tagged): •gore/blood/cuts/artistic gore •nsfw/artistic nudity •drugs •abuse/suicide/sad/depression •fatalistic- ye olde ‘i wanna die’ humor •mi- mental illness (theres some non heavy tfws and stuff in there too i think its mostly a chill tag) •(slurs) f word/r word/etc •pedophilia •nazism/antisemitism/racism/transphobia/homophobia/ableism

#taglistcraziness #also sorry if this ends up in some main tags oof