#but still i should rlly work on this lol

[aroaceofthesea]

Oof i definitely dont know how to react when someone comes out to me making it a big deal💀💀

#today a friend came out to me as trans #we met this summer and shes from galicia but weve been meeting online with a couple more friends since then #and like her and another girl it was so confusing bc they clearly liked each other but the other girl was a lesbian #and it was like naaah they are just good friends and i was convinced that was it i didnt talk about it with the other girl even tho #we are super close bc i thought it would be rude and also what was the point i dont rlly care who likes who anyways #and today she came out to me and they were like btww were dating and i was like #ª #good for you :) #but idk it was kinda awkward and i didnt know what to say lol #and like it was only me bc im the only other lgbt person in the group and im also pretty close to both of them #and she couldnt say it bc her father was home and she isnt out to him so her gf had to say it #and the gf didnt rlly know how to say it and also like at first i was being so fucking obnoxious #bc like i had absolutely no idea what they were going to tell me and they were both trying to subtly drop hints but it didnt work bc im me #so they had to say it and yeah it was rlly awkward #luckily we had only 15 minutes before the rest of the group joined for our weekly videocall so it wasnt awkward for that long #but still i should rlly work on this lol #rant #mine #life #friends

[silenthillbunni]

🧸🧃⛈️

#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset #bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard #nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc #nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time #in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders.... #it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me #(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them) #the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply #also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T #i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!! #my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol #i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot #why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days #many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk #but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie #yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it #hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours #then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do

[holyluvr]

Getting a good hit of indica that’s a little stronger than vapes I had last time after I ran out of my indica is Hallelujah Praise The LORD and that kid with ADHD

#… #I need indica or antipsychotics both to function. an upper and a downer of some sorts. stimulate then depress. over and over again. daily. #TBH one of the dreams/goals that I still haven’t let myself let go of despite knowing the stats and likelihoods of the outcomes…. #well anyway one of those dreams is to somehow fix this. to meet a doctor who has a treatment plan or life change idea that works on the drug #dependency / the ‘maybe’ acquired brain injury issues. #the ‘is this idiopathic narcolepsy or is this ABI from drs or would you consider this probable narcolepsy from ABI from drs or?’ issues. #the ‘it’s harder to put together a clear understanding of your health overall’ comments followed by silence bc they don’t need to say it lol #it’s hard because no one has known what my health ‘should’ be like. know one has any labs without me on psychotropic medication combos. #they have partial proof from brain scans for the conclusion that my brain was just .fried to deal with me/make me easy and good. didn’t work #and they don’t even need proof to know that medication combos in their own profession shouldn’t be used together or are only used together #in extreme cases with no options left that they immediately fucking jumped into and were lucky I didn’t DIE so many times but fuck yeah #now my brain hurts and I’m not how I was beforehand but don’t rlly know why or how to express it #and I feel alone there and then I have bitch ass doctors telling me to Just Stop The Meds For A Fee Weeks :-)! …..Dr u have no idea huh do u #a few weeks? give me 3 days before I’m having a psychotic episode that’s severe enough to warrant police arrest or 911 called for me. #that’s thousands of dollars in a legal psychiatric hold. and that’s if someone catches the signs on time before I potentially harm myself or #like yeah no I’m sorry doc but i can’t just Simply Stop or Substitute anti-anxiety drugs when I’ve had them holding me together b4 puberty. #anyway I’m still. hoping I’ll find some info somewhere or stories and people like me who figured something out or anything idk #because my medical testing is interfered by medications that I cannot stop taking (mainly benzodiazepines) without losing my mind now. bad.

[ayyponine]

two months into volunteering at the museum and a guy who works there permanently goes “you know theyre looking fr people in communications right” wwyd

#me: i... already have a job??? and him: sure i know but sometimes you run into smth better :) #me: i mean... im happy w my job rn but who knows haha maybe in a few years time #me internally: are you just floating the idea like haha wouldnt u like to stay here or are you saying i COULD if i pried fr that a little??? #im working retail in our busiest time of the year (holidays then sales) and am still a lil shook frm the end of summer #when trauma & physical chronic issues had me super low on energy and my boss said i had to step up or would have to be let go #like im STILL worried i need to be productive as possible or lose my income do not TEMPT me cedric bestie #do NOT suggest to me i could get a museum job thats less taxing on my body closer to my address AND better pay without being SOLID on that. #(i rlly do prefer my retail job though lol. it's a very serious museum i dont think im qualified to communicate officially on their behalf) #(but it's cute they think highly of me and might vouch fr me should i ever go job searching again possibly yes. in the local cultural scene)

[roseband]

ew he's in nyc for some boring luxury brand's launch

#personal #they're livestreaming it tho..................i could also work from phone/minilaptop and go to meatpacking lol #but i wont that's...... too much #i never get like... the minimalistic luxury brands tho... if im gonna buy any high end designer #it's either karl lagerfeld shoes (yes i know what he is.... they're all samples cuz im a 6 shoe lol and i got em for $15) #OOOOOooOOoor me being tempted to get moschino or and other stories when it's in nordstrum rack or c21 #there is soooo much moschino on sale at c21 rn like two season's ago's line... but it's still too much for me to justify buying lol #like i am the biggest clutterbitch aesthetic forever and always #im not sure what i'm wearing for eric's two concerts but i have my the rose concert outfit planned already #like i'm wearing this rlly cute corsetted crop top with a rose pattern fabric with off the shoulder long sleeves #(which i'm soooo sad bc i got it at goodwill and like it was $5 but i looked up the brand and it's rlly expensive :<<<< #which means i can't just buy another thing from the brand but it fits super well lol) #and then either black flared slacks or vintage tripp cargo pants #and my usual platforms for concerts cuz theyre the only comfy enough shoes that give me height #and im borrowing a hat from my mom that looks like leo's in alive and making a rose corsage choker similar to the freepeople one #FOR ERIC i'm thinking one night this plaid green blazer i have with a black turtleneck and a tulle skirt but it might not be cool out #i could try to convince my mom to loan me her long leather jacket like eric's in the mv LOL #it doesn't even fit her anymore so she should just give it to me *grabby hands*

[dullahandyke]

-_-

#11 days to the leaving and only now am i drawing up what all i need to study #chronologically it makes sense to leave latin n music to the last bcos i have like a whole week after history to study for just them #and before that all of my exams are basically in the same week with allowance for the weekend #so i should focus on eng n maths particularly #n then bio and irish and history #but like. my history latin n music teachers r the only ones assigning work. for the exams i have the most time for. lol #like i can ignore the history n music teachers for the most part but like my classes w my latin teacher r one on one i CANNOT brush that of #so im here studying me fucking virgil ig instead of figuring out what im doing w the comparative #sigh. ok priorities ill make up that list of shit i gotta do for each subject #gotta suss out which movie im watching for eng and what poems n stories im studying for irish n what modules im doing for history! lol! #can u tell ive not been paying attention for like. 4 months. #remember kids: cramming is a cool and fun thing to do <- is in a pit #when the leaving cert ends i am going into my room never to be seen again for like a week. #and im getting me mam to buy me something for it. maybe a binder if i come out to her by then #oh well thats future talk. for now. figure out what to study. as ive already said twice #im playinh kh bgm to indulge in the hyperfocus while still getting study done n its kinda working #but mostly i just wanna play kh again... #i havent wrapped up the hades cup n i wanna restart com bcos i think i might know how it works better now #watched a one card deck challenge for recom and its the remake so some shits different but like. i get it now maybe #if nothing else gba com looks rlly rlly cute. the pixel art <£

[chaotictomtom]

whisper screams let me fucking sleeeeeep i beg of youuuuu

#2nd day of 2 months stage will i survive this #ik ill learn cool things but also only a very lil part of this work place does what my internship expect me to do #so im absolutely scared i won't have any project for my exam #+ i think every single day makes me confirm im not made for an office job like this #but also have no idea how to make use of my certification of web dev if i. can't work in that type of setting nfksbflsn #even for my cyber café idea. ig yea i can. still be a web dev on my own but idk if that would rlly work? #like a cyber café that also fixes computer why can make sense! could do another traineeship in that! would love to! #was initially planning on being more in that field!!!! but. web dev? idk 🧍idk if ppl are ready for my big brain move 😫 #(aka me being so lost and trying to scrap anything that i like enough + that could work with my body+lil brain #so that i can have a career/job i can wake up to everyday and like. not die bc of poverty.) #anyway ✌️ should go get prepared lol help #tomtom_is_rambling #tomtom_is_venting

[fardf150]

i do feel that my purpose in life is to love and care for other people. but i know i couldnt handle the stress of being a doctor and i dont want children of my own. and taking care of the house without a job of your own while your housemate(s) work is simply unfeasible today. what to do..

#uugh. ive been thinking for like a year now that i dont want to go to college but. i dunno #i might? want to be a child therapist? #bc kids scare me and i couldnt care for one medically or full time. #but i do feel very passionate about children's mental health being taken seriously and having someone there to talk thinfs through with #but again idk if id be able to handle hearing all that i would need to hear even if i was trying to help #ugh ugh #i keep. wondering if i should be a teacher. but i also want to be able to afford to eat lol #+ idk what id even teach or what age #idkkkk i feel like i wont rlly know until one of my siblings or friends has kids.. #i think i just want to get paid to be someone's friend. but like by the government not my friend #i was built to love not work!!!! the curse... #wish we still lived in a world where it was feasible to have someone stay home and take care of the house.. i feel like id like to do that #bc i like cleaning and doing things for other people #uuuuuuuuuugh. world please change by the time im 18 so i can afford to be payed in simple love and gratitude #fred.txt

[munamania]

is it really really stupid to give her the gift. i know she’s not worth it and im making myself feel like shit over and over and i need to stop and it doesnt matter how sad or angry i am about it she’s not just gonna dump him and even if she did i wouldn’t like. want to be the second choice (not that i inherently would be. weirdo dream scenario) and it’s just not gonna affect her much to not see me anymore and i have to be okay with that. and im truthfully not rn but i have to be cause that’s the reality. anyway lost my point there

#like. i just cant imagine class being over monday and just being like. ok bye forever ig. or not rlly saying anything #idk guys im sorry i know ive gone on and on and on nonstop for months #it just sucks #even if i think back to monday like. it's classic baby steps of leading me on and i fortunately for once didnt nip at the bit right away #but just the little ways she looked at me and smiled or joked around. kinda flirty. just for her to yk #post the bereal today and hes in it and its like 'wait let me get a shirt on' so just blatantly fucking yk. didnt even have to do my sleuth #work. and like. i know maybe ive overreacted to a lot of it and over thought it and she really didn't intentionally do a lot of it #and wasn't ever confused or anything and i just told myself that to justify being sooooo bonkers over it. idk #so it's like. with all that in mind. no i should not give it to her i should just walk out of class and not talk to her again #but the wounded part of me the 17 yr old in me is desperately asking why it's so easy for someone to get over me #but she was never into me! or at least not enough yk. she has a boyfriend. and that yk. shouldve been enough #but i got so lost in all these little signs and feelings of tension and #i guess. lol look at me abt to say this. doesnt help to dwell (lol!) but who knows if it was mutual some of those times when it just Felt #tense. yk. or if she just has problems and really liked the ego boost #cause boy did i make it fucking easy to enjoy my attention! and i never ever ever shouldve done all that bc she wasnt mutually engaging #at least not till like. october. and only briefly. and i just. ugh #anyway :( whatever. i know the answer is no. i know it's no i know i shouldnt #but as i was saying. the wounded part of me wishes i could make her feel even a fraction of the hurt or even just fucking regret #but not pity. but regret for being an asshole. if i could just say something as my final word or something and still be dignified #but i just dk how that would happen. so. yeah #hopefully this is one of my runner up last posts about her #film girl saga

[brokebackmacden]

love when my thinking is absolutely irrational. all my life i hav felt like there's a constant pattern of when i am doing badly n don't know how to express it so i bottle it up, there are nests of bugs following me. happened last year when my dad died i got a lady bug nest in my room, now our a/c is broken n we have no idea when it'll be fixed and i am so fucking miserable not even just cuz of the a/c but it sure doesn't help to be sitting at a constant temp of like 80 degrees At Least making it worse n now there are bees trying to make a home on the roof of our porch. it may not b rational but it sure is a pattern i notice every time

#idk if i should tag this as something. idk. #unreality #do the girls still trigger tag their vent posts idk #i resent it but i don't want. to set anyone else off either yknow what i mean #lol #i'm rlly mad abt the a/c #these guys came in n it worked better for like a week then just completely broke #n i feel bad for our Cats. i don't want them to get heatstroke or smth i'm so worried every day i can't sleep . i hav work at 9 tomorrow #n can't fall asleep. i'm working in a deli just watch me lose a finger cuz i'm half asleep oi #but our property manager can't get ppl in to fix it cuz the actual landlord ppl don't give him the money for it #n this stupid ac system is so outdated they hav to call in rlly expensive inspectors. not even to fix it. but just to LOOK at the thing #there's multiple ppl who are going thru the same thing too #it is fucked. esp in this heat like r u kidding. give up ur fucking funds u own so much real estate i Know u hav the funds u greedy assholes #sorry that on the sunny off-season this has just become a vent blog LOL #it is Too Fucking HOT!!!!!

[steeleyespan]

permhaps if my son became an alcoholic and got into debt nd a really really bad mental state last time he moved out, i wouldn't put additional and frankly unnecessary stress onto him about it and would maybe handlr the subject with care.... Like she knows how my mind works what did she think it would jump to by implying that i was gonna move out and then end up wi no money helooooooooooo . Maws literally work in mysterious ways i will never understand

#i mean its like yeah the benefits system is fucking broken but you can still?? get benefits??? #nd again we're like fortunate enough that even if they were like. delayed 1. i have some savings and 2. my parents could lend me some money #so rude as well cos i was like bex has looked into it and i should be able to get benefits fine even if am only part time or whatever #and she was like WELL i work with people on benefits. which literally isnt tru btw she manages people who work w people on benefits lol #and again when i came back she was like well bex seems to know a lot abt it so thats another reassurance for u #like hellooooooo . girl u were just discrediting all of bexs research -_- #i somewhat appreciate it i want to stress like...if i was living w my dad he would just let me be disorganised and do nothing to sort it #but shes alwyas like this. is rlly mean n gets me upset and then is likw * shocked pikachu face * lewis got upset :o #alcohol mention -/ #Ok enough am going to smoke a joint it. will. heal. me.

[holyluvr]

I think I’ve verbatim said before “it’s ok I can’t see anyway” during sex which isn’t sexy but I guess, as previously mentioned, my lack of sexual appeal is so bad that it loops around into a fetish of some sort

#… #like me watching tv and barely paying attention to my bf and I’m like wow he’s rlly not gonna say something huh? he fr is into this. well ok #<- my ex bf is a twink with major issues lol #dude stalked me for so long I still gotta watch out for that twig. idgi I could throw him across the room why is he acting like? I should be #nervous. no dude more than anything I’m worried that you’ll say something shitty and I’ll punch you #he fr came into my old job once while I was working and was just standing in the isles smirking at me and I was like 😑 #boss pls go ask that faggot over there what he needs because he’s standing near a lot of objects we could both use as weapons

[goethitee]

hate hate hate when people aks your advice & then ignore it

#i should say beg actually. she begs for my advice on dog stuff #& then ignores me #‘why is he doing this’ ‘how do i deal with this’ ‘ hes sick what do i do’ ‘what should i do about this’ #& then when i give her the answers in the gentlest way i can so she doesnt feel bad (even tho she should) she doesnt listen to me anyways #todays wasnt that bad but i rlly didnt want to answer cuz i didnt want to feel like… too involved ig idk #she asked me what to name her new puppy. obviously im not just gonna tell her what to name her fricken dog thats over stepping #but she cant leave well enough alone. so i said wjat we do (which has also been reinforced for me because freds dog trainers say the same #figure out what kind of vibe you want for your pet. the name helps shape who theyll be so u gatta figure out what u want first #i also said how there doesnt need to be a name rn she can think on it #but does she listen to me? no. ‘hm idk what vibe i want. i want a name now so i can call him’ #why ask. why. #also the fact that she got this dog also rlly ticks me off lol. #because the other one is under a year yet & if anybody reads these… then u know she still hast gotten a vet. since october #now im gonna have to fake being happy even tho this is an awful idea #itd be one thing if she didnt beg for my opinion & then completely ignore it. while pretending like she’s actually listening to what im say #maybe you should have found a fucking vet for the first one & actually work w it before getting another one #& ofc it is a puppy. which are terrible. ik her bf is gonna be so fed up with the two dogs #i dont want to hear it anymore i dont want her to ask me things ive tried & im done #i hope everything works out the way they want but i rlly rlly doubt that

[gemharvest]

I wish there was a site that looked like pre-Eclipse DeviantART.

#ramblings #thinking about how much i miss when sites looked like that and throws up from the fact we'll never get it back #I WAS BARELY THERE FOR IT TOO GOD FUCKING DAMN #sheezy.art ALMOST does it. they get so close. but its not the same #they do the thing i cant stand the most in modern site layouts which is rounding the corners of images/ icons and like #basically almost anything. rounded corners in moderation idc about but goddamn im kinda rlly tired of it #also like. sheezy.art has very limited free sign-ups LOL #forever and always i will think the eclipse layout update was a downgrade solely to follow the modern site layout trends #(and probably to appease investors more than anything lol) but like. at least images dont have rounded edges LOL #rounded icons i could do without but whatever it feels like the rounding of corners is done a lot more tastefully still #i should be working on owed instead of typing this but whatever. the real truth is im procrastinating eating dinner LAWL

[seokshinedk]

Soo messed up that my final semester will be yet another frenzied balancing act of juggling several things that are due within the same time frame..

#text #I’m spread pretty thin between my school placement class working as a speech para #& studying for the praxis exam and applying to medical clinical fellowships #🥴🥴🥴 #just started my school internship so it’s overwhelming at the moment #but gotta realize that this will pass & I will get used to the kids and the flow of things #but even then I know my heart is set on the medical settings #but there’s very few openings for medical placements #there’s two in my area I’m trying to apply to & one that is still up in the air #but no one’s gotten back to me yet & im getting anxious #emailed my previous supervisors for LORs so hopefully they respond soon #there’s…so much to do & im feeling pretty burnt out ngl lol #I feel like I’m already behind on things & when I do have the time my energy is just so low #but……this is the last semester so I…just gotta push through #& I rlly should be grateful that my school placement is one of the easier/more straightforward ones #& my supervisor is nice & competent. I just need to get it together. #one last time….

[softgrungeprophet]

elaborate dressup game

#nadia plays cbp2077 #it continues to be best described as Okay. also buggy. #normally i draw tama in her Theme Color (white gold red) but i wasn't liking any of the red outfits i can put together #so i changed her hair to teal a while ago for that yellow and blue outfit and it works well with the other colors of clothes i have too so #keeping it that way for the time being #also i rlly think this game should have been third person or at least mixed third and first person or something #instead of only letting you do third person for driving and THAT'S IT #you cannot see her Multiple Face Piercings in the menu screens at all but she has a bunch of them. but. no third person cut scenes lol. #why would you have such in depth character customization when the only time you can see your character's face is in a mirror #which you have to manually interact with and can only either change your appearance or awkwardly make stupid faces in #there is a third person camera mod but it controls like ass and i don't think it affects cutscenes #the ''more immersive'' argument is bullshit btw and ''too hard'' is also bullshit lol #especially with like a million kinds of guns with unique loading animations surely you could have cut back on that #(maybe stuck to a smaller set of iconic weapons) #and used some of the resources and budget for third person instead... esp since V already has some facial animation... #and have first person still be an option for the people who insist that it's the Only way for a game to be immersive #(i want to see my goddamn character's face) #can you tell what my favorite shoe style in the game is...