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taeyongfmd · 1 year

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below the cut is an ash update / overview / plot call for the first quarter, including the base awards event. feel free to like, reply, or message me if you’d like to plot based on this and we can get something going.

mentions of alcohol and poor mental health and ash being ash (derogatory)

overview & schedules

ash continues to live in his studio

he’s at a really busy point of writing/producing/recording for his album with finishing songs and getting no sleep

thinks he’s almost done with the album but he ends up not being happy / feeling finished with it + i think some time this quarter, it gets locked in as his english-language debut and the album process gets delayed

his workaholic tendencies are kicking into overdrive again. though he’s been selective with his solo schedules since returning from hiatus so that he’s not dedicating a ton of energy to stuff he finds pointless (photoshoots, variety, brand deals, etc.), polaris schedules + all of his work in the studio is still tiring, especially considering how unhappy he is with polaris schedules these days

most solo schedules for the next few months will be festivals, so that could be a plot point if anyone was planning a festival stage claim for their muse and maybe ash could perform there as well if it works

is more actively unhappy with polaris’s direction than he’s ever been in his career. that’s not to say he hasn’t disliked it or felt dissonance with it before (i mean he literally debuted feeling that way), but putting so much energy into resenting dynamite and then getting butter to show for it... it certainly encourages him to throw himself into his own music even more

pretty unhappy / low mentally and emotionally. just tired and unmotivated to talk to anyone or leave his house. anyone he’s close to might recognize these signs. they’re free to bring it up. or not. bringing it up probably won’t end well anyway

his next album is going to be his english-market debut so dimensions has been pushing his name out there with lollapalooza, new year’s rockin’ eve, etc. they might throw him into some english-language magazines and maybe some collabs this year after his album comes out too (plus plans of touring post-album release)

there was a point ash would have been happy about this but right now he just feels like it’s an uphill battle against dynamite and butter because he wants to be known for his music in his home country, not those songs

is praying dynamite doesn’t win the grammy and is happy when it doesn’t ngl !

is also feeling irritated because he stopped taking brand deals solo because it made him feel like a sellout and now that’s like half of what polaris does lmao

so overall, he’s just... irritated, unhappy, buried in his solo work

base awards

ash would rather not be there tbh? agrees with the people who say it’s just the companies sucking themselves off lmao. will probably express this with only a little prompting.

he is invested in his solo stage since a lot of his vision for the mito world is in it, but mostly in his self-obsessed ‘you wouldn’t understand’ artist way, not so much in an endearing, fun, let’s talk about it way unfortunately 😭

is nominated for a few different awards. will say he doesn’t care. will probably still get annoyed if he doesn’t win.

not the most fun person to interact with, but he can probably keep it civil (and most likely low energy) with anyone he doesn’t already dislike lmao

he doesn’t want to go to the afterparty tbh, even to get wasted, but i’ll probably say he goes unless i don’t end up having any threads there. he won’t stay for a long time unless he has a reason to since he’s got to leave for la without sleep right after

idk i feel like in every single plot call i’m like ash is irritable he can fight someone but like... yeah... he can. fully possible he’s an asshole even to people he usually gets along with.

but also possible he strikes up an unlikely friendly moment with someone he doesn’t know too well if we want to pretend he has redeemable qualities! especially if they can give each other a space to vent

also possible he shows up to the afterparty smelling like he really committed to pregaming and gaslights gatekeeps girlbosses anyone who tries to point it out (ash vc: snitch)

can someone make ash cry. idk where. idk when. he needs to feel something

or someone rope him into some kind of drinking game. sounds fun (to me).

plots

anything revolving around music production and ash’s time in the studio is a strong potential point. he’s hesitant to share too much of what he’s working on album-wise right now, but he’d be happy to listen to other people’s work and/or discuss anything around that. he has some internal conflict about self-indulgence vs authenticity, love of music vs force of habit, etc that could be a topic of discussion

like i mentioned already, very willing for him to ruin some friendships / otherwise positive connections this quarter

alternatively, someone kinda doing a little ‘intervention’ or at least expressing some concern about him. either to remind him people still care or to knock some sense of reality into him to get his shit together depending on the tone.

or just a moment where he actually leaves the studio and has some down time spent with someone else (something pretty low energy, just chilling) and he gets closer to them or if they’re already close he gets to enjoy human connection for once

speaking of human connection, ash feeling the touch of another human again for once would make some of the songs on his album easier to write lmao. would need discussion but i’d like to explore ash being willing to open himself up to intimacy again, whether it’s a slow or fast process. honestly this probably works best with someone he’s not super close to (yet?)

it’d be nice for ash to have a redeeming / positive plot in all of his mess of a newly blossoming friendship he hasn’t fucked up yet as well? again discussion would be needed to find how / why their friendship works, but that little light in the darkness would be good :)

#famedcall #* | ooc.

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selfimprovementtips3 · 2 years

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Switch Your Life - Open the Power of Do it yourself Improvement

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self improvement tips

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pocket-luv101 · 4 years

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In a Wish || Intro

Fandom: Servamp Ships: KuroMahi, LawLicht, Jekuni, Tetsono

Summary: Mahiru is the fairy guardian of Neverland’s four Lost Boys. He is determined to grant their wish to find love but everyone is afraid of them. He decides to send the four to Earth to meet their soulmates.

(Intro) || KuroMahi || LawLicht || Jekuni || Tetsono

Mahiru believed that everyone deserved magic and kindness in their life. That was the reason he offered to be a fairy guardian to the Lost Boys of Neverland. Due to their reputation, the other fairies were scared to work with them. Thinking simply, Mahiru had to offer his help to them. Each creature in Neverland had a role to keep. The Wolf protected the forest from danger while the Tin Man maintained the trees. The Mad Hatter and the Black Duckling performed plays to keep the villagers happy.

It was Mahiru’s task to help them accomplish their goals. He could never imagine how difficult they would be though. The group wasn’t violent or mad like the rumours. They were very unmotivated. He knew they were good people so he didn’t want to give up. Mahiru flew over Ash’s forest to search for his Lost Boys. “Where are you four hiding?”

He noticed smoke in the night sky and he followed the trail to a dwindling firepit. Mahiru landed on the ground and returned to his full size. The tea set resting the ground nearby told him that the Mad Hatter was the one who made the fire. There were still cinders in the firepit so he knew the fire had been put out recently. He glanced around the area and said, “I know you’re here, Hyde. Kuro and the others must be with you as well. Come out now.”

“No, we’re not. That can be anyone’s teacup!” The voice made him turn towards the bushed. Mahiru lifted his hands and the tree roots rose to push the four men out of the bushes. He grabbed Kuro’s arm before he could run away from him. “The foxes and bats are arguing again so you need to speak to them. Hyde, how is your progress on your next play? I also set up another date for you JeJe.”

“Mahiru, we appreciate that you want to help us with our jobs but can you stop trying to find a partner for each of us? No one in Neverland is crazy enough to be in a relationship with us.” JeJe argued.

“I’m your fairy guardian and it’s my duty to grant your wish. When I asked you for your wish, you said ‘love’. I haven’t been able to find your soulmates yet but I won’t give up. You shouldn’t give up either.” Determination filled his brown eyes and he took Kuro’s hands into his.

The day Mahiru introduced himself as their fairy guardian, they didn’t believe him because most were afraid of them. They sarcastically joked that they wanted Mahiru to help them find love but he believed them. Kuro was surprised by his conviction despite the impossible task he had. Most would’ve given up but Mahiru’s kindness wouldn’t allow him to do so.

“Everyone in Neverland is afraid of us so they won’t give us a chance.” Hyde argued. “Why won’t you just give up and let us work on our own? We were doing just fine without you.”

“They wouldn’t have assigned you a fairy guardian if that was the case. The Great Tree can sense that you’re unhappy and sent me to help you.” Mahiru snapped back. He bit his lip to stop himself from yelling more. While he was frustrated, he didn’t want to fight with them. “Why won’t you try and have faith in yourself? I’m trying to help you but there’s only so much I can do on my own.”

“Hyde, stop provoking your mother.” Kuro said to stop their fight with a light joke. He understood that Mahiru simply wanted to help them and he respected his efforts. He had never met someone as kind as Mahiru and he was surprised by him. Turning to Mahiru, he said: “I have to agree with my brother though. Can we change our wish for love to something else? You already tried to set us up with everyone in Neverland.”

“That’s it! You’ve given me an idea, Kuro.” Mahiru said with a wide grin. He clapped a few times and fairy dust started to rain over them. His magic surrounded them and their feet were lifted off the ground. He took both of Kuro’s hands into his and pulled him higher in the sky. “Let’s try to find your soulmates on Earth. I’m not going to let you come home until you’ve talked with someone on your own!”

“Ducks?” Licht was surprised to find the tiny creatures walking through the city. He stopped and watched the ducks form a parade as they walked across the street to enter a park. Worried that the vulnerable animals could be hit by a car, he walked beside the ducks. Other animals joined the parade such as squirrels and birds. “Where are you going, Mr. Duck?”

He entered the park and he found that there were more animals than usual. He thought their behaviour was strange since it was rare that they would gather in front of people. Licht wondered if they were following a command that others couldn’t hear. He was focused on the animals at his feet so he didn’t see the table in front of him until he tripped over it. Licht fell forward and he blindly reached for something to catch himself.

A warm and strong hand grabbed his wrist and stopped him from crashing into the food. For a moment, he felt as if he was floating. He looked up from the table and his blue eyes met red ones. Laughter sparkled in the man’s eyes as he brought Licht’s hands to his lips. “Welcome to my tea party, Angel Cakes. For a moment, I thought only animals would dine with me. They’re great company but my fairy guardian said I had to talk to a real person.”

“Who are you?” Licht pulled away from him and looked at him with suspicion. Silently the man pointed above his head to the leaves he painted to make a banner. “The Mad Hatter?”

“Misono, there’s a crazy person with an axe in the garden! We need to evacuate you quickly.” His servant told him in a panicked voice and rushed him to his feet. Misono understood his confusion since it was nearly impossible for a person to pass the gate to enter his garden. As a child, people would often target him for his family’s money. He was an adult now and he could only make an irritated sigh at the situation. “Hurry into the house, Misono.”

“I’m in the middle of my research, DoDo. Is it really necessary to go into the manor since the guards will capture him pretty quickly? I’ll go inside for ten minutes and then come out to talk to the police. That happens every time.” He gathered his textbooks into his arms but he accidentally dropped one. Misono knelt down to pick it up and then a worn pair of shoes entered his view.

He looked up and his heart dropped when he saw a blond man standing over him. Misono assumed that the intruder was in another part of the garden. He quickly backed away from the man and his guards surrounded them in a circle. The man didn’t seem to notice the others as he put down his axe and picked up the textbook. He held it out to Misono and his tin arm creaked as he moved.

“I was walking by your home and I noticed that one of the trees in your garden is dying. If you don’t cut it down, the tree will affect the other plants in the garden. I’m a woodsman so I chop the tree down for you.” He offered but Misono barely heard his words.

“You’re a man made of tin. How is that possible?”

Mikuni sat on a bench and he scrolled through the missed calls on his phone. He was tempted to call the number back but he thought better of it. A part of him considered throwing his phone into the pond a few feet in front of him. He tilted his head back and watched the clouds pass over him. His mind wandered to his boyfriend and he groaned.

A sound caught his attention and he turned towards the noise. There was a trail of black feathers that led to the pond. A tall man was feeding lettuce to a group of ducks. Mikuni couldn’t help but stare at the man since he wore several paper bags on his head.

One of the ducks bit the man’s hand and he recoiled in pain. He fell into the pond with a large splash and he floundered for a few minutes. Mikuni thought the man couldn’t swim so he ran to save him. He stepped into the pond and he found that the water was shallow. He was easily able to stand in the water yet the man was struggling to swim.

“Stop panicking and just stand up.” He grabbed the man’s arm and dragged him to the shore. Mikuni took off his vest and shook water from the fabric. He watched the man in the corner of his eyes and he didn’t know what to think of him. Between his clothes and silence, he could only call him strange. “You know, people usually say ‘thank you’ when someone saves them.”

“Thank you.” After a brief pause, the man took the paper bags off his head.

“Oh my god,” Mikuni cupped his face and yelled. “You’re perfect for my revenge!”

Mahiru’s wings faded as he travelled through the two worlds and landed on Earth. He sent his four Lost Boys to Earth with the hope that they’ll be able to have a normal conversation. On Earth, they didn’t have to worry about others judging them and the trip would be a good opportunity to build their confidence. He pulled out a hand mirror and blew fairy dust on it. “Let’s see how my boys are doing.”

He felt something warm press against the back of his neck and the strange sensation made him turn around. A large, black wolf stood over him and nudged him with its nose. Yet, Mahiru wasn’t afraid as he lifted his hand to scratch the wolf’s chin. It started to purr and Mahiru asked: “What are you doing here, Kuro? I told you to find someone to talk to.”

“I have enough friends and I don’t want to go through the trouble of making another one. Too much work.” Kuro shifted into his human for. Mahiru continued to tickle his fingers against his chin and his tail wagged in response. He pouted at him and added: “You’re going to have to give me a lot more than pets to make me talk with strangers. Too troublesome.”

“Cup ramen?” Mahiru offered in a sweet voice but Kuro shook his head. “You must be the most difficult magical creature I’ve been assigned, Kuro. Won’t you work with me for once?”

“That’s why I’m here. Do you want to make a deal? I’ll help you play matchmaker for my brothers if you let me change my wish.” Kuro offered and held out his hand to him. “I’ve known them longer than you so I can help you a lot.”

“If you help me, I’ll give you a second wish. I still want you to be happy and in love.” Mahiru shook his hand. Kuro wondered if he should tell him that he was already in love with his fairy guardian.

#servamp #kuromahi #lawlicht #tetsono #jekuni #fanfiction #servamp kuro #mahiru shirota #servamp hyde #licht jekylland todoroki #servamp jeje #mikuni alicein #tetsu sendagaya #misono alicein

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thejosh1980 · 3 years

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(Seems like) Years since yesterday...

Today, 1 year ago, is a special day...

One year ago today was the last time I bought myself a new guitar... I always wanted a Guild, and as I had been touring a lot with The Cashbags I figured I could now afford it. It's blonde, with P90s and as close as I could get to one of my idols, Dave G from The Paladins.

I bought it second hand via “Ebay Kleinanzeigen”, right before a show with The Cashbags. The guy came to the venue, before sound check and I tried it out. I was in love... I bought it there and then...

I played it that night at The Cashbags show too. This was the only show I played my own guitar during all my years touring with the band. Usually I would use the band gear, as it best suited the look the band wanted (and it was easy for me, I didn't have to carry my guitar and amp to and from shows)...

It's also the only show I have so far played with this guitar...

Why?

Well that's cause of that damn pandemic.

You see, that show in Langenselbold was to become the last one The Cashbags would play with me...

I knew I was leaving the band at the end of the tour, which was at the end of April, but COVID had a different plan. It's kinda hard to explain how it felt driving to the show, a good 6 hours, with 1 or 2 date cancellations happening along the way... However, by the the next morning hotel breakfast, the rest of the tour was cancelled.

We lost 6 solid weeks of shows...

But how naive I was. I thought we'd be back at it pretty soon; dates rescheduled, last minute shows would be booked... you know the deal. But in the end, I didn't share the stage with the band again, I didn't get to say goodbye to half the band members before leaving Germany either.

Alex and I had only been married 10 days when restrictions started to begin in Germany. The full lockdown was a week or two later, wasn't it? I don't know, it's all a bit of a blur.

I was lucky, at the time, I had my studio which was all mine, so I could get out of the apartment, walk the dog and play guitar, loud... The new guitar got some action, behind closed doors of course.

You know the story, we started selling up, packing up and, eventually, moved down under...

It feels surreal to think how, at the time, we had no idea how this was going to affect us. It's quite clear the pandemic has brought out the best (and worst) in people.

I think for me, during my time in Dresden's restrictions, everything felt, well, OK. It didn't feel too bad, but I had a lot to focus on. The “goodbyes” to everyone was the hardest thing. I don't remember being under the weather, depressed or sick. I may have been, but whatever negative thoughts and feelings there were, they weren't strong during that time.

I was lucky to be one of the earlier guests on the Blue Note live stream in March, which encouraged me to do my own live streams in April and May. As unprepared as I was to learn so many new songs, it was a good focus, until it got too much.

In July we had “The Josh Fest” which was too much for my emotions. Dresden, I feel the love. I'm so thankful (and lucky) so many friends could come out for one last party. Reuniting old bands, new bands and old friends on stage, it'll go down as one of the best shows in my life. One that ended with me in tears...

When we had the first cancelled flight and rescheduled flights in mid July, I don't remember feeling too bad about it all either. I didn't like it, but our delay was only a week or two. And we had a roof over our head and Alex's family there to support us.

But once the 3rd or 4th rescheduled flight happened it started to get scary and worrying. I remember some really bad days in Meine. I had lost all hope of getting home. We were in limbo, and had little control over the situation. Our health insurances had expired, we were no longer registered in Germany and were worried constantly if the next flight would let us on. So many last minute cancellations, wears one down. I spent quite a bit of my time frustrated, depressed and helpless during those 2 months.

Once we took control, used some savings and bought ourselves new flights, we made it to Adelaide. I definitely felt better by taking action. However, another set of challenges arise, quarantine isn't fun. We were lucky with our hotel, room and food, but it's still tough... Very tough... And I sympathize with everyone who's had to go through it, especially those who are doing it under hardship.

In late September we made it mum's. We finally made it... I'd been waiting for this moment for a year (longer than originally planned of course). I made the decision to move in September/October 2019. I had achieved a lot in Europe, so many amazing adventures (good and challening) that I'll have enough memories to last a life time (if I can remember them!).

I wanted to come back and take care of my family.

When we arrived at mum's, it hit me... I was back! I didn't feel the excitement I thought I would. I felt bad for Mum. Like, shouldn't I have been crying? Shouldn't I have been screaming! “I'm baaaaaaack!!!” In the end I think it was just relief... We'd arrived almost 3 months later than expected. We needed to settle in.

I think settling in took a while. Is it still happening? Even the smell of the fresh salt air knocks you out! Lots of new things to get used to. Integration had begun. Usually I returned home for a holiday, now it was a return for good. This is a full time permanent position.

I did enjoy October through to January. Alex wasn't working, we had time to do stuff, relax... Enjoy the local scene. I don't surf every day, but definitely as often as conditions allow. I did some work, which I previously blogged about. Alex started working in December, and she loves her job... Things were pretty good...

I was, I still am, trying to get over saying goodbye to my puppy, my friends and wondering why I had little motivation to pick up the guitar...

In mid January Mijo, my little kitten, came into my life. Thanks to my wonderful wife, she knew full well I wouldn't decide to get a pet on my own, and on the responsibility to bring some fur into our lives. Damn I'm lucky.

In fact, Alex's intuition is amazing... She always seems to know know when to ask questions, when to listen, when to take action and when to bring coffee. Bless her cotton socks...

However come February I'd hit the wall. I don't know what it is, what it was.... But it's been a little while coming, and hasn't gone away. It did leave me in bed for 3 days, and don't ask me the reason, cause I can't tell you.

I've had a lot of motivation issues... I just don't feel like getting up... I have to, because I gotta drive mum to work and pick her up. Once back home, usually I drink coffee and force myself to do something, anything... I've used the excuse of “training Mijo” that I visit friends with him, but really my heart hasn't been in it. I just know I'd feel guilty if I didn't do anything...

I've had a lot of paperwork to fill out since getting home. Bank accounts and all that kind of stuff... Alex's visa (which is still on going for another 18 months or so). Also local government bureaucratic stuff I have to deal with. Taxes! I'm planning to start studying in April, but to enroll the process comes with a lot of documentation, questions and answers...

So... Lately...

I have distanced myself from everyone lately. Except for a few moments, I haven't picked up the guitar in almost 12 months. I barely do anything. Writing this blog today, has taken a lot of energy and focus to start. If it wasn't for the “anniversary” today, I wouldn't have even begun to type.

To help you understand the hole I was (and still am) in... I have been blessed with a roof over my head, food every day, a loving wife, a beautiful kitten, a loving mum (and family and friends), the beach, the sounds of birds waking me up and (mostly) great weather... But I'm still unhappy...

How could that be? Why is that?

I know I wrote a few times before, that writing has helped me process my feelings. So I figured I'd better try it. Practice what I preach!... But don't ask me how I feel, I just don't know... and it can change in a heart beat.

I got out of bed today, and I did some office work... First time in over a week... Stuff I've been putting off... I'll need to make a few calls this afternoon too... But in between I think I'll rest... Relax...

Usually, I push myself too much... I have pushed myself to the edge (again)... I've been feeling desperate, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless and, well, just plain shit... I know I gotta get out of it, but these days I'm trying a new approach: pull back, relax, rethink, rest and figure out the right balance... So far I am somewhere in the middle....

At least I think I feel better than when I was constantly powering through and not acknowledging my feelings.

I'm my worst critic, and I feel guilty if I don't “do” every day... I gotta “do” this or that... But sometimes you gotta take care of yourself... That is also a “do”... isn't it? Self care. Self love. Listening to your body.

So it's been one of the roughest years in a long time for us... hasn't it??

Damn...

Please don't do what I do and ignore the stress and pressure... What I mean is, there's been so many new things for all of us, so many new challenges, we forget how far we've come. We forget we are still here.

We have achieved so much, even if it's the fact we got out of bed today!!!

We need to be kind to each other, but more importantly to ourselves. I wouldn't treat my pet, my friends or my family as badly as I do myself, so why am I doing that?? It's gotta stop.

I gotta listen to myself when I don't feel up to it, and forgive myself for putting myself first... Rest... Reflection... Relaxing... Recuperation... Maybe then I can begin the next chore... Like filling out this damn paperwork just to get into college...

https://youtu.be/-rkq9ffBpWY - The Paladins - Years Since Yesterday

Thanks for reading,

Josh

#depression #ptsd #musicians #pandemic #anxiety #struggling #self love

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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Don’t you just love the smell of Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch? I actually did used to like it.

When a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? I back away somewhat quickly, but try not to make a big show of it because I know it’s advised to be calm, but I see a bee and I freak.

Are you self conscious about wearing a bathing suit? Absolutely, so I don’t wear one.

Do you make reminders for important things you need to remember? Yeah, I make great use of the calendar, notes, and reminder apps on my phone.

If you had to play one sport for a living, what would it be? Gah, that would not work for me. I’m not athletic at all and I have zero interest in sports.

Was the last person you texted single? No, he’s with my mom.

Do you get jealous easily? No. I haven’t felt jealous in a long time. What are you currently waiting for? Nothing at the moment.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future? I dwell in the past too much and I’m always stressing and worrying about present stuff.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? No.

Who were the last people you saw besides family? Other patients at my doctor’s office, the receptionist, the nurses, and my doctor.

Which of your friends lives closest to you? No friends.

How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper? I like it.

Do you ever work out? No. I should be lifting a light weight at least everyday. My upper body strength is so bad now.

Do you go to the tanning bed on a regular basis? I’ve never been to a tanning salon and have no interest in doing so.

Does your bedroom need cleaning? I need to organize some stuff and put some things away.

Vanilla or chocolate? Vanilla.

Pretty Woman or Sixteen Candles? Sixteen Candles.

Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex? My dad and brother.

Are you comfortable with your height? I wish I was a little taller.

Anything on your walls? Yeah, a few giraffe paintings, a a couple beach ones, a couple calendars, a bulletin board, a marker board, and a huge Swedish flag.

What do you bite more, your tongue, lip, or cheek? I’m constantly biting and picking at my lips. :/

What was the last non-alcoholic beverage you had? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.

Do you have a box where you keep all your important things? I have boxes and drawers with stuff like that.

How many times have you dyed your hair? Numerous times since I was 13.

Are any of your friends taller than you? Everyone is taller than me except for small children.

Ever liked someone whose name started with a B? I don’t think so.

Have you ever been on a motorcycle? I’ve ridden on the back of one with my dad when I was a kid.

Do you have feelings for anyone? Not the romantic kind.

Name something great that happened today: It’s only 530AM, nothing much has happened.

How did you feel when you woke up today? I haven’t gone to bed yet, but I’m willing to bet I’ll wake up feeling like a zombie like I always do.

Do you use Twitter? I do.

What did you have for dinner yesterday? Wingstop.

What kind of position are you in at the moment? I’m sitting on my bed.

Furthest away from home you have ever been? When I went to Atlanta, Georgia.

What colour pants/skirt/etc are you currently wearing? I’m wearing blue Adidas leggings.

When was the last time you drank water? Like an hour ago.

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? No.

Do you answer the phones at your job? I don’t have a job.

What’s your ring tone? One of the ones that come with the phone.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? I was doing surveys.

Do you want to fix anything with anyone? Not at this time.

Do you have trust issues? No really. I have a hard time with expressing myself and opening up to others, but it’s not so much a matter of trust.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Are you going to have a good night? My night has been okay.

Have you ever given up on someone and then went back to them? Yes.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? Well no, cause I don’t even go to bed until like 7 or 8AM.

What shows do you watch? I watch a lot of different shows.

What’s wrong with you right now? Just blah as usual.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Absolutely.

What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? He’s my dad.

Are you looking forward to anything? No.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? My first ex told me I did.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yes.

Does anyone disgust you? Myself.

Did you enjoy your weekend? It’s just starting.

Have you argued with anyone today? No.

Your enemy is at your doorstep begging for forgiveness, what would you do? I don’t have any enemies, thankfully.

Has someone had their arms around you in the past 7 days? To give me a hug, yeah.

Dare you to detail why you kissed the last person you kissed? We just wanted to? I never understand this question.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? One of my biggest fears is my loved ones passing away. Which is obviously inevitable, but still.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I don’t remember. My mind wanders off and thinks about random things.

When’s the last time you had a headache? A few days ago.

Is anyone else in the room with you? Nope.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? My mom.

Does anyone call you babe? No.

Is there anything you are craving right now? Not at this moment.

What was the first thing you thought of this morning? I haven’t gone to bed yet, but I always check the time when I first get up.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? I am appreciative of the good things, but there’s so much I’d like to change and I’m unhappy with.

What were you doing at 7:00 AM? It’s 5:56AM, so I’m sure I’ll still be awake in like an hour. Sigh.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Like 4ish.

Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes.

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? Uhh, countless times. How do you even count that? Not to mention, he was always making me laugh.

How do you feel about your hair right now? I hate it. It needs to be dyed so bad, it could use a trim, and a style would be nice. I don’t do anything with it besides throw it up in a messy bun.

When you were in elementary school, did you change best friends a lot? Yeah. When I was a kid “best friend” was a term thrown around quite loosely.

Last thing you touched not computer-related? My phone.

Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? No.

Does the song you’re currently listening to remind you of anyone specific? I’m not listening to music.

Who was the last person to give you a ride somewhere? My mom.

When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? A few weeks ago in the car.

Have you ever been scolded by a mall cop? No.

How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? A lot.

What’s your favorite thing to think about as you’re falling asleep? I don’t get much say in that.

Is there anything that you want to do, but won’t because you’re too afraid? There’s a lot of things.

Who gets up the earliest in your household? The latest? My dad gets up the earliest. He’s off on the weekends and he still gets up at like 5AM for some reason. The latest is definitely me.

Have you ever had a pet walk across your keyboard while you were typing? No, my doggos have always been too big to do that.

You’re going to your favorite foreign country; what landmarks do you go see? I just want to see everything and really experience Sweden.

What is the longest amount of time that you have spent away from your home? A few months during hospital stays.

Did the last movie you watched have any emotional effect on you? No.

What motivates you to go to school? I’m done with school, thankfully. I’ve been so unmotivated and without energy the past few years and I’m glad I finished school before that happened and I sunk into the hole I’ve been stuck in.

Are you more hyper and uptight, or laid back and relaxed? I’m never hyper and I definitely haven’t felt relaxed in a long time. I think to some people I’d appear laid back, but oh boy if they only knew. And honestly what appears be laid is me just feeling... flat.

When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? I don’t know.

How did you pick out your last outfit? I just grabbed whatever.

When buying shoes, what do you look for in the product? For me it’s just about how they look. Comfort isn’t a factor for me as someone who has no feeling in their legs and feet.

What happened to cause the last mess you made? I let some stuff build up.

Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? I would be right now.

When was the last children’s birthday party you attended? A few years ago for one of my cousins.

Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I think I am.

If you’re sick, do you go to school or do you stay home (usually)? I’m not in school anymore, but I mean for me it depended on how sick I felt. Of course now in the days of COVID you’re advised to stay home if you feel sick at all. Most schools, at least where I am, are all on Zoom now anyway, though.

Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? I don’t feel it ever did anything for me.

What is one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? If I’m sick I usually don’t have much of an appetite, if one at all depending on how sick I am. I don’t eat much, but I’ll try to eat a little at least of something.

Think of the last survey you filled out; did you enjoy it? Sure.

Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? I did when I was a kid. I didn’t know you shouldn’t do that at the time.

Is it hard to imagine you were ever as small as a 1-2 year old? Yeah, that is weird to think about.

What set the tone for your mood today? It’s 6:22AM and right now I just feel tired.

Have you ever set out to ruin someone else’s day? No, that’s definitely not something I’d want to do.

The name of the last board game that you played? I don’t remember.

What was the last thing that you told yourself? That I would try to go to sleep a little earlier. ha.

Do you remember your D.A.R.E. officer’s name? I actually do.

Someone throws hot coffee on you; how do you react? Uh, wtf? Firstly, I’d react to the HOT coffee that I had thrown at me. That would be excruciatingly painful. I’ve accidentally spilled really hot coffee on myself before so I would know. So yeah, I’d feel the pain and shock from that and then I’d just be like wtf??? I’d be so confused and upset and most of all, furious.

Is there a high school or college that you would rather be attending? I graduated college, I’m doneee.

Have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? A duplex.

Has anyone ever commented on your weight? Yes, I get comments a lot about how I’m too thin.

Where do you stand when it comes to sexual intercourse? Well, I’m a virgin, so.

Name a show from the 90’s that you miss? I still watch a lot of them to be honest.

Have you ever thought about joining the military? No. I couldn’t anyway even if I wanted to because of my physical disability.

When you were little, did you ever stare at disabled or “different” people? I was and am a disabled person and I’ve had to deal with people staring all my life because I’m in a wheelchair and hear kids ask their parents, “what’s wrong with her?”

Could the contents of your bedroom get you in any trouble? No.

Do weather patterns sometimes have an effect on your health? The heat definitely does. Ugh, I hate the summer. I do not do well with the heat.

If it snows a lot where you live, do you experience cabin fever? It doesn’t snow here. :(

How good are you at getting along with other people? I don’t have a problem with getting along with others.

Have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? Oh yes.

Has anyone ever suggested that you might need “help”? Yes. And I agree.

How do you respond to cheesy pick-up lines? No one has used a cheesy pickup line on me.

How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? I’m gonna answer this with takeout because ever since the pandemic hit last year I haven’t gone out to eat anywhere, but I get takeout all the time. Anyway, last night I got Wingstop and my brother realized when he got home they gave him the wrong order, so he had to drive back and it’s like a 15 minute drive there and back on the highway, so it’s not a quick, easy trip. He gets back and I realize they forgot my extra side of the lemon pepper sauce that I like to get, which wasn’t as big of a deal of course, but still annoying. I didn’t say anything about a small thing like that, but I was just annoyed with the whole situation and that I didn’t have that extra side of sauce to dip my wings in. It adds to what makes it good, ya know? I like my ranch and my extra sauce. I would have been even more upset if they forgot the ranch because their ranch is the best.

Are you ever jealous of happy couples? I feel a little envious sometimes cause I’d like to experience that.

Describe a thought that is sticking with you today? My mind is a jumbled mess.

Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? No one in particular. I’m more occupied with thoughts of things I’m dealing with, things I’m feeling, and things that are going on.

In a car: air conditioning, or roll the windows down? AC, for sure. Especially during the summer when it’s hot and miserable because rolling the windows down doesn’t do shit.

When was the last time you did anything to your playlist? I added songs to it like a month ago.

Is there a new song or band you’ve discovered? Not recently. I haven’t been listening to music recently.

What teacher gives you the most homework? --

Are you punctual? Yes. I hate being late.

Have you ever howled at the full moon? Uh, no.

Do you give any consideration to what’s said in your horoscope? I don’t even read it. I don’t believe in astrology.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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cirocchio · 3 years

Text

AU details 01. royalty etc.

( still pointing at tsun as the instigator for this post )

‘royalty AU’ is too vague for me though so this is going to be a more all-encompassing general description of possible ideas for ‘AUs that all can take place in a political/ court setting’. No fancy introductory story-like excerpt.

Some things to note:

Firstly; because I like to keep Ciri’s Roma heritage I’m more inclined to make her a bastard child that may or may not be legitimised by her father. Usually not. Her uncle, as always, dotes on her. He’s also the more popular of the duo, the heir of the throne, etc. Another idea is that she accompanies Remo/Silvan to court as a child, as Remo would want to lobby for more rights for Rroma/ commoners in general. She can be as high or low-ranking as is deemed suitable for the plot.

Secondly: Ciri will never be a happy ruler. The responsibility of such a position weighs her down and restrains her and has never been something she wants to live with; Ciri both fears and hates power so her having that will make her incredibly uncomfortable. She doesn’t have the talent for scheming and intrigues nor does she command enough respect for her advisers to listen to her: she’d be a puppet at best, a scapegoat or victim of an assassination plot at worst. Ideally ( and even realistically ); she never gets stuck in the position of ruler/heir to the throne in the first place, but if she somehow did, she would work on a way to abdicate or even get banished without too much commotion or sending the country in chaos.

Ciri’s reputation ( aka the one thing I can talk about with almost utmost certainty ): Regardless of her position (low-ranking noble or royal blood), she’d be a bit of an oddball at court. She’s sensible and pragmatic and has plenty of interest in languages, culture, and music, promising traits. Yet when it comes to other matters she is bored, unmotivated, and dreamily stares out of the window during important lessons and meetings. She has no tact and will tell nobles, teachers, and missionaries alike when she does not like them, something they say or do, or disagrees with them without any regard for whether it’s appropriate or not. Being a bad liar Ciri quickly gives up on trying to play with and figure out the different masks people put on and stubbornly stays true to herself, demonstrating her distaste for the two-faced behaviour at court. She spends more time reading books and playing with her birds in the gardens than she does attending festivities, banquets, or councils ( and if she does attend either of those it’s to listen to or talk with the bards and poets and whatnot ). She has proven herself a terrible fighter and tactician at an early age, and actively avoids war generals or soldiers – making her dislike for them obvious. On the other hand, she is known to slip in the kitchens ( is surprisingly resourceful when it comes to this, even though she later confesses her mischief ) at night and speak informally to the servants.

While teachers find her temperament easy to manage, her select interests are frustrating. When she’s not motivated she will not put effort in her tasks, unless perhaps Remo convinces her to, but he’s known to be lenient with her. She openly talks about her fantasy of meeting magickal bards who will steal her away for marriage ( or just adventure ). Rumours circulate that she talks to her birds and kisses them in the hopes of turning them into fairies. In many ways she is a child, yet sometimes she seems wise beyond her years.

She’s passionate about introducing literacy for the common folk, and purposely lets her maids listen in on her classes or gives them ‘homework’ to practice writing, but other than that does not have an active interest in the welfare of the commoners and is thoroughly unhappy with the responsibility to care and decide things for them. She also has romantic views on what it’s like to belong to the common folk and often says she wishes to be one of them, unaware of how limiting, inconvenient, and difficult poverty can be.

The general consensus is that she’s better avoided as her lowborn mother’s traits show in her boorish behaviour and clumsy movements, proving that she has no place at court; wouldn’t want that to rub off on you. Some people enjoy her company and soothing voice, though. Mostly lower-ranking nobles of little consequence, girls a few years younger than her, and the servants she befriends of course. She’s also, obviously, seen as bad wife material. This might make her sound like a rebellious child but Ciri is not the type to throw a tantrum over things, purposely upset others, start fights or otherwise and would endure gossip and humiliation with a meek smile and, or if she reacts her words would lack subtlety and ‘intellect’, aka it makes her come off as an idiot and wouldn’t be too insulting to the person who insulted her first. She minds her own business and so long as others mind theirs she’s happy, as is also the came in most of her other verses. In other words, it all really comes down to her presence at court being very misplaced. Remo thinks it’s endearing and ‘gives the people something to talk about’, so he doesn’t scold her – protects her where he can. Silvan tries his best to ignore her existence altogether, though that’s a bit more dependent on the plot that’s decided on.

Possible situations, place at court:

Remo & Silvan are of royal blood, Remo being the crown prince. Ciri is Silvan’s bastard child, raised at court but not acknowledged by Silvan. Remo takes her under his wings and raises her as an important member at court, using her as a pawn ( to make Silvan seem more sympathetic/ involved/ as a spy under the guise of her talent as a (travelling) court musician/ to strengthen political bonds by arranging a marriage ). Little is Ciri aware that her position is a direct threat to her younger half-sisters; her being older, does she not have as much right on the throne as them? Whether her half-sisters see it the same way is up for discussion.

Similar as above but Remo dies at some point, leaving her back in Silvan’s awkward care. Silvan, convinced and aware of his own limitations as a ruler, would appoint her as his successor so he may abdicate quickly. Ciri resents him for this, ignorant as he is that she’s every bit as unsuitable and unwilling to lead a nation as him. Cue her trying to weasel her way out of it, or early assassination plots, or manipulative leeches trying to make a puppet of her; this would be a scenario where it’s advisable to look for a different successor.

In the event that Silvan/Remo are nobles or even just wealthy merchants who bought their way to court, and have come there to voice their grief about their village/ the Rroma etc. and thus lobby for better conditions, Ciri would mostly be left alone and treated with little interest by others, although she is still in danger of being an assissination victim, as it’s not in everyone’s best interest that Remo convinces the king/court of his right.

Another for if Remo passes away (whether by accident or assassination), better if he’s no heir but just nobility trying to improve the conditions of Rromani; here are actually some options for Ciri to want to actively partake in politics, if only to honour his memory & ‘fulfil his wish’, or even to uncover who murdered him. She’d still suck as before though and would need to rely on others to actually achieve what she wants: it’d be an incredibly dangerous undertaking for her.

Of course she can also be the servant or maid or musician appearing at court and take it from there, but then it’d be your muse’s royal au, not Ciri’s.

Anyway there’s a lot that can happen, catch me coming up with 25 more ideas depending on your muse.

Other things to consider ( on my side of the plotting ): - the position of roma in the society this would take place – are they accepted, outcasts, does it take place in a fictive court where they are a well-represented; is her heritage openly known or kept secret? on the other hand, could the roma try to use her existence as a means to get more rights and visibility in this land? - whether her gender is an issue or not. I’m a fan of not, of using a fictional setting where female monarchs are as common as male (meaning female soldiers and diplomats etc are also equally common), but either way works. - the stability of the country: is it peaceful? on the brink of the war? is there civil unrest or not? how important is it to have a stable ruler? How divided is the court, how many enemies are there? - Ciri’s popularity among the common folk largely depends on what they value/need. Because of her mousy appearance she’s not impressive as a strong leader who guides and unites the people, but her gentle demeanour can be useful if the people value benevolence and mercy - she will always suck and want to get out just know this. would also need help in getting out. - will never care much for a difference in ranks and loathes the titles and formalities that ought to be used.

#( au info. )#( verse: 01. )

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raisingnativeangels · 4 years

Text

05.16.2020, 1:34am

Tonight I find myself unable to sleep, even though a very lovely sleep meditation is playing as I type this. Perhaps it’s the dog taking up the majority of the bed, or the uncertainty of the pandemic, or the old mistakes and regrets running through my head. Perhaps, if I get it down in 1’s and 0’s, sleep will come, and I can rest.

I want to make a change. I am largely unhappy with my work life, and completely unmotivated, I find myself resentful and angry about my job, when so many people are in desperate need, and I know I should be grateful. I’m frustrated that I have a willful and unobliging 2 year old, who seems to thrive on upsetting her Father. She is exceedingly unkind to him, while she showers me with love. I seem to be the center of so many people’s orbit, and again, though this is the stuff people tend to dream of, I am exhausted and depleted, and I just want everyone to get along.

Nothing fills me with more joy than playing with the girls. But, the monotony of wiping behinds, and endless demands for juice and snacks is grating. I want to sit in a room by myself, with no thought to anyone else for a disproportionate amount of time. I tire of laundry and dishes, and resent that we don’t have someone we can hire to do these tasks. But again, how selfish is that?

I long for profound relationships with other women, but abhor the conflict that inevitably seems to follow. I wish for a best friend, but have a terrible way of picking relationships that shatter and leave me devastated. And then I replay all my follies, and tend to gloss over theirs. Or I wonder if perhaps they were really at fault, and I am correctly wronged. Though AA teaches me that self righteous anger does not serve me and will likely cause me to drink.

I’ve been having drinking dreams, where I go to a party or event, drink like it’s nothing and then think “Oh that doesn’t count” and go about my business of being “sober.” It’s distressing, because I wake up and wonder if it really happened. I haven’t had using dreams this intense in quite some time. Usually, when using dreams enter my subconscious, I’m not drinking, I’m doing blow, and I wake up knowing that didn’t happen. These seem almost like they could.

I’ve been missing my Mother something fierce lately - largely brought on by Mother’s Day, I know, but it’s a dull ache that I can’t seem to shake right now. Like she would know just what to do in a pandemic. She would know how to council me on what to do with my job, career, life, calling… how to figure that out. I want another child, but the thought terrifies me. I want to leave LA, but I don’t know where to go. I want my Father to be different, but he isn’t. I want to lose weight, but I don't want to do the work. I don’t know how to navigate being a Mom to two tiny humans who depend on me for everything, and to be a wife and a woman and an employee and a friend and not let everyone down.

I’ve found my relationship with God in the midst of this, which is quiet and reassuring, but I would really love a sign or some answers. I seem to continue to find the questions… but it’s like in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy when they ask what the answer to life, the universe and everything is, and the answer is 42. They were asking the wrong question. I get that. I so get that. I don't even know the questions to ask to find the answers to what it is I’m seeking, because I can’t quite put my finger on what it is I truly want.

I seem to suffer from compare and despair, from the arrival fallacy. I can’t seem to enjoy the moment I’m in. Meditation is supposed to help with that, but who has the time? I have projects I want to start, but when? I have images I owe people, but how to find the time? And then so much time passes, it’s just embarrassing.

I so desperately want the life I’ve been sold in TV and movies, but does such a thing actually exist? Is that best friend I long for even real? Are there people who are completely happy and fulfilled in every aspect of their lives, or is that just a fairy tale I’ve bought hook, line and sinker? Are there ever really answers or just more questions. How do I get out of my own damn head?

I pray every waking moment that I’m not completely fucking my kids up. I don’t know how to do this. My therapist told me time and again that the very fact that I’m concerned about this is a good sign; that I have the wherewithal to care about their emotional well-being, and that’s half the battle. But, does the abject terror ever subside? How do I support my husband, and help him to foster a deeper more loving relationship with a tempestuous two year old? Is that even my job?

My boss constantly sends me classes and books I should read on parenting, but do I want to parent like her? Do I want to buy in to snake oil cures that may do more harm than good? Do I want to take the supplements and eat things I dislike in order to fit into a size 4 jeans? Do I even want to wear jeans anymore?

How do I learn to let things go? This is something I have never been able to do. It’s a skill I so deeply wish I had. Instead of sitting up at 2am, writing stream of consciousness trying to get it all out.

I want to be good. I want to be remembered as a kind and loving person, with a little bit of mischief thrown in for good measure. I want to stop giving a shit what other people think, and regretting the past and wishing that things were different. I want to stop obsessing over things that happened 20 years ago.

I’m yawning. My husband is snoring. The girls are sleeping and innocent and pure. The dog is my shadow, and loves me unconditionally, even though he drives me crazy. And the world is sick and dying and I don’t know what any of the answers or questions are.

I pray that we get through this and that more will be revealed. I hope He lets me in on his plan for me, or at least shows me a lighted path to guide the way.

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transcending-chaos · 6 years

Note

I really enjoy your art and find your headcanons for the creatures both interesting and somehow fitting despite there not being a lot of information about them. But I am curious, do you have any headcanons for each tribe in general?

(I got this question a while ago; using it now because my hands hurt too much to draw right now. Thank you for your patience.)

UnderWorlders

Those that live in areas like UnderWorld City, the Lava Pond, or places where the air is largely filled with sulfur gas have less of a sense of smell and taste than most other UWs. Scent isn’t as viable in those regions because it’s largely masked by the gases that spout from the ground. However, because this means that those Creatures have stunted olfactory senses, this is why they typically spice the heck out of their food (and you can sort of smell it in the air once you get used to the sulfur). They can’t taste most things without it, especially sweet-things, so most of their cooking is often really strong -be it simple dishes, to feasts, to really hard alcohol. This lack of taste is especially true in the Creatures that breathe fire, as they have fewer nerves in their mouth and tongues as a whole due to the extreme temperatures their bodies have been made to withstand.

Related to that last point, it’s why their hygiene seems a little lacking in comparison to the other Tribes. While they can certainly feel grime, they don’t smell it as much, and besides, water is a very rare resource for them so they’re not going to waste it with superfluous bathing.

UnderWorlders are strangely possessive of their Humans. Though most don’t outwardly show it (because that broadcasts something that could be used against them), those that have ‘wards’ or connections to Players will absolutely destroy something in order to protect them. If given the opportunity, most UnderWorlders would leap at the chance to have someone study under them (kind of like how Grook did with Kaz), as training is usually a social behavior shared not only among students and teachers, but friendly sparing between family members is somewhat of a culturally sacred thing. However, most are aware that they’d likely kill a Player if this was attempted.

Von Bloot was never a respected leader; his army was made of conscripts and people forced into a situation where they had no other choice. That being said, most are also dissatisfied that Chaor took so long to do something about him, as well as the fact that he wasn’t the one who finally got Von Bloot in the end. There’s a bit of a power-vacuum in the southern UW after he’s gone.

Some UnderWorlders would swear that they can feel Fire in a few Players. This is part of the reason Chaor has not outright wiped Tom from existence (the other part being that his human is too attached to him).

Danians

Danians are surprisingly adept at playing music and making instruments. Because of their connection to each other, it’s easy for them to harmonize sounds together and create layered symphonies that are perfectly in time with one another. They specialize in percussion, be it stamping of the feet, steel drums, or humming to make a beat. Also, younger Danians have a tendency to chitter or hum without realizing it. It’s pretty common to find their designated part of the Hive thrumming with sound, even in the dead of night. It’s a calming noise for the soldiers who can’t sleep, as it sounds entirely of contentment, and those with insomnia have a small medical barracks next to it so that they can be lulled asleep.

While uncommon, some Danians crave physical affection. Most have a pretty steely demeanor, but those with softer sides are usually the ones you can find befriending Players. Their culture isn’t too big on affection as a whole, so when encountering Humans (who as a species are aggressively social), it was like striking gold. These Danians tend to favor younger Players, as they are commonly predisposed to protect those they know cannot help themselves.

Most Battle-Masters have a (mostly) one-way connection to the Hive. They can send out orders, but it’s hard for them to receive messages unless it’s from the Queen or her personal entourage. This is because they often have to make choices that will end up costing lives, and they don’t have the sense of solidarity most other Danian classes do. While many Mandiblors will provide solace to one another because they feel the loss and rift that fallen left behind, Battle-Masters typically don’t. After all, who wants to mourn when you’re the reason that they’re gone? Instead, you need to focus on the next fight and prevent such a thing from happening again.

Needless to say, that last point is a huge contention between Muges in the Hive and the generals. One focusses mainly on how things are connected, while the other is fundamentally incapable of understanding it.

They detest spiders. All of them. “Nothing holy would create something with that many eyes.”

Mipedians

Typically seen as the most wealthy of the Tribes, Mipedians are totally unmotivated by most commodities, but are very willing to trade for food. As they live in a literal desert, it’s hard for them to grow much of anything, even in the oasis areas. Cactuses are farmed in some places, but for the most part they rely solely on imports. The biggest provider is the OverWorld, and strangely enough, no matter how bad things get between the Tribes, this agreement is never threatened (Maxxor has never considered starving them, nor would he dare entertain the idea; he refuses to punish an entire nation because their leaders aren’t being reasonable) which is a contrast to how how the arrangements between the Mipedians and the other two Tribes.

Wearing chimes is a very common practice among most ordinary citizens. Not only does the metal heat up nicely in the sun, but it’s a way for parents to hear where their kids are. Most families will have their chimes tuned to a certain chord. Markets and bazaars are not only an amazing experience for the eyes, as seeing glittering scales, silks, and fantastic wares, but also for the ears due to the pleasant clinking of jewelry.

Mipedians have community sunbathing sessions. Towns have them at different times and days from one another, but it’s usually the highlight of the week. Typically, it’s just after the highest point of sun in the sky until dusk (though officials and soldiers leave only after about an hour or two). After that there are campfires in the night and shared potluck styled banquets. It’s great for community morale, as well as a grounding measure for those working in their political structure to see their subjects as people and interact with them as such instead of just ‘subjects.’ If one’s in the desert at night and there’s no breeze, you might hear jovial laughter and smell food on the wind.

This is also a way of helping guide lost travelers home. It has saved many poor wanderers of all Tribes, and is the one time outsiders won’t be taken into custody immediately.

OverWorlders

They’re the only Tribe with multiple classes and schools of Muge: Naturalists, Hunes, Archivists, and war-Muges. Naturalists are typically those who rely on elemental abilities, study the connections of the natural world, and believe that everything has innate tethers to the Cothica (something that’s rejected by the other schools). Hunes are primarily scholars or political figures, often trying to find out the nature of Mugic itself, demystify it, as well as create their own sphere of influence in the public. Archivists are like Najarin, where they take a primarily historically and anthropological view of Mugic, the world, and how things have changed. War-Muges are just those who learn to cast in order to use it in battle.

They’re the only Tribe that has territory that has other sovereign nations within it. The Gherix, Zeorn, and a whole host of others all occupy pieces of land within the vast realm, and many have diplomats stationed in Kiru. Also, if the Frozen weren’t ever intended to be a Tribe, I think they were just a society of OW Creatures that lived up higher than Glacier Plains (however it seems like they were meant to be their own thing, but this is kind of what I default to when making AUs where there are other Tribes occupying the 6th and 7th spots).

The monarchy in the OverWorld isn’t a typical monarchy. When in times of war, the council will elect a monarch as a tie-breaking vote that can veto or agree to motions set before them by other groups. Maxxor didn’t get the position because of his father, and in fact, he’s a better politician and negotiator that his dad. His father was a better general and warrior though, and this is something older council members will use to needle him when unhappy with him.

OverWorlders have a strange superstition when it comes to twins. Many see it as a single entity that was split in half because the whole was “too bright a light to burn on its own” meaning that it likely would have only led a brief life that, while prosperous and happy, would unravel rapidly and severely. Most consider twins a blessing because of this, as it’s seen as a way of sparing the family from having to bury a child earlier than expected.

Most villages have ‘moon pendulums’, or a set of stones on chains that trace the orbit of the three moons over a huge pit of sand or gravel. It’s essentially a lunar calendar that helps them keep track of the holidays. Some have special stones of different colors or that glow in the dark, just as a way of making sure no one bumps into it at night.

#i apologize for typos i'll fix them later #chaos speaks

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gloieee · 4 years

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To glo et al.

It seems appropriate in many ways to start off this playlist with Dr. WHOEVER, an introspective and unexpectedly slow-paced track by Amine that has stayed with me since a dear friend sent it to me towards the end of 2018. I remember the moment so clearly. It was a typical cold Boston winter evening, when the sun had set well before 4 pm. I was living in my stifling apartment in Longwood mere minutes from my work and feeling empty after putting my all into a process for a year +, and yet still under so much uncertainty about the future. Mentally and physically, I felt so heavy, and since I finally had time, got a work-subsidized gym membership. That particular day, I had mustered up all my energy to change into my gym clothes after work to head to the dingy Bodyscapes, which really just felt like an extension of the Longwood hospitals. (It didn’t help that it was literally nestled in one of the research buildings.) Walking the few minutes back home, my body hot and the night air cold, I listened to this song and got shivers at how much it felt like an anthem for the confused mid-twenty-year-olds going through shit. Sad on your motherfucking birthday, cause you know you’re getting older and not happier. It hit even harder because my birthday always comes with the new year, and that only exacerbates the reflecting and processing I do.

This song seems still more relevant this year, now. Indeed, it’s been crazy, for everyone, and it’s been laden with moments when you question, “what the fuck is my life.” I’ve been trying to be my own Dr. WHOEVER for the first time. It’s ironic that it’s my first, given that I’m trying to become a doctor for other people, perhaps even exactly the person you go to to tell all your problems. I’ve always been almost too good at telling a friend what I’m going through, contrary to the trope of the emotionally reticent young person, putting up a front of happiness. I’ve been having some illuminating conversations recently, mainly with the same friend who sent me this song years ago (who I have been so grateful towards, even more so these past few weeks), and been evaluating this funk that I’ve been in since Spring 2019 from a step back.

Up until last year, a source of my agony was being understood by others. I knew what I wanted, even though I also knew that from the outside, that didn’t always seem to make me “happy” nor appeared to be the easiest route to take. Hence, I would find myself constantly explaining/ defending what I was going through because I wanted others to “get it.” I’ve always deeply wanted to be understood by others, ever since I was an adolescent. I’ve always felt “different” in some way from other people around me, and I never liked that feeling. Hence, I am/ have always been so touched when someone “gets me”. It’s no coincidence that I have what I have etched onto my left forearm for eternity. So, when ~da funk~ started in 2019, I did what I always do and talked to people about it. I have amazing friends (thanks to my thick “General eyebrows,” which indicates “people luck” in Korea), and everyone has been so validating throughout this perplexing situation where I feel so unmotivated and unlike myself.

I realized recently that my situation right now may be pointedly opposite of what I’ve felt before—everyone else thinks I’m doing fine (many friends have said that it seemed like I was having the time of my life in LA—and I did from a certain lens), but I’m entirely unhappy with where I am. What I need right now doesn’t seem to be validation from anyone else, but from myself. I need to understand and accept where I am, and tell myself it’s okay. I’ve always been about facing the brute reality, bucking up, and making it through. This revelation has called for an entire change of pace—I am not used to being kind to myself, unless I’m going through something that I objectively consider difficult (i.e. debilitating chronic pain in college), superhumanly impossible, or at least deeply meaningful. I hold myself to such a standard that I never hold to my own friends or others. So as Amine says, I’m trying to let my feelings settle in and take my own advice.

My mother told me that no one can fully understand who I am, because there is no way for anyone to know everything that has happened in my life and what significance it holds for me. I’m the only one that can perhaps truly understand where I’m coming from, because I’m the only one who knows my life in its entirety. She told me that as she gets older, she realizes more and more that at the end of the day, our own self is all that anyone has. It’s a balance, but I am trying very hard to take care of myself, to be kind. I have felt, for the first time ever perhaps, that it doesn’t really help to talk to people about what I am struggling with right now. I like updating them once I have a breakthrough, or asking for specific advice after I wade through and organize my own thoughts, all the leaves and flowers strewn about the waters, but active problem solving with people (read: in real time freak outs) feel burdensome to everyone and lead me to also feel worse about myself. I don’t feel very good after talking about myself to other people right now.

I do feel bad because I also don’t really have the capacity to be there for others, and I don’t feel like I have a legitimate reason to be in that state. Even when I was going through objectively difficult things, I was able to (I thought) be present for my friends. This isn’t a good excuse, but for those who are reading, I apologize for not being present. The following songs are a letter of sorts to myself, all the different parts and voices of glo, a progression of me into my own mind. As I’ve mentioned before, I have sought to be a sort of muse to someone rather than my own whatever. I feel like I am seeking to be my own muse at this time. I could not explain to you what this really means, but I am listening to these songs with a different perspective than usual. Perhaps this means I am just blithely self-centered, but I’m not imagining other people to be singing about me anymore, but feel like this is me singing about me?

I am hopeful though. I think this could be something.

9. 20. 2020

_______________________________________________________________________

Is what I wrote nearly a month ago, a few weeks into these realizations, my purported ~self- care journey~ that I can’t say without a laugh (although it’s truly extremely important). And I was right. This WAS-IS SOMETHING. I feel more grounded and stable than I’ve felt since the dreaded March 2019. Grounded in a different sense, because I have let go of the notion that my feet need to touch the ground for me to feel stable.

My superficial mood is still what it is, but I don’t feel it racking me to my core anymore. I feel like I know who I am, for the first time since March 2019. I still can’t put it into words, but I know that I I know.

Open Wide- Spencer .

I hope you like the way I like to keep you in my head Same thoughts keep haunting me, while I am sleeping in my bed You've got me open wide Just come inside

2much – Spencer

Who let you make the rules? Summer's gone Win or lose, you still bruise Bring it on I put my little truth in this song Up too late, you're heavy on my mind now Lying to myself, I need to lie down Tearing down the walls, I need to cry now

Spencer’s music is like a beautiful, dreamy snapshot into vulnerability and honesty. An appropriate second intro for my journey with and within myself. God knows the same thoughts have been haunting me for a while, especially in the evenings laden with insomnia (which is ever so often these days), when my mind is not strong enough to fight off the negative thoughts and the burden of a day where I haven’t done nearly enough as I “should have.” But perhaps these repeating haunting thoughts actually show that I might as well invite myself into my own world, rather than forcing myself out. I’m already here anyway; might as well get comfortable. I’m too in my head a lot of the time, and this phrase is often used negatively. We need to be out in reality, in the real world; you just need to turn off your mind and get shit done. I’ve always believed in this firmly, which has led me to dislike myself a lot of the time. I like myself better when I’m action-oriented; I like others who are action-oriented, perhaps having been burnt hurt by people who are all thought and no action. But, at the same time, I need to recognize that I have never been that paralyzed to inaction so that I have lost something dear to me as a consequence. Of course, that could happen to me, as it can to anyone, but maybe I just need to cut myself some slack. Instead of forcing myself out of my mind, and feeling agonized when I find myself there inevitably, I would like to open wide and kindly invite myself in.

And what better way than with some good old honesty. … Summer’s gone, win or lose, you still bruise. BRING IT ON. This line carries courage that I’ve felt I had lost for a while. I’ve been so afraid of, it boils down to, regret. A certain type of regret.

Fun Girl - Summer Walker

I remember what you told me Said I wasn't made right Said I wasn't cut right That's why I'm so lonely, mm Can't turn a ho into a housewife Is it cause I love who I want and fuck who I choose to Don't take no shit and won't be used But I guess that makes me undesirable Life's unfair

I love Summer Walker with her ever raw, melancholy, crooning vocals. This mixtape-like track reminds me of an average post-grad apartment set up: soft beige carpets, and a girl singing into a mic surrounded by blankets on a second-hand plushy sofa. I listen to this song and think, what a dick this kid is for treating Summer this way when she’s baller. These queries are so relatable and I get so worked up until I realize—no one has ever said these things to me or made me feel this way really. It’s really just me saying it and doing it to myself. Funny to what extent you’re your worst critic.

On a separate note, her life’s unfair outro just pulls at my heart. Each time she says it it’s as if I can accept that fact a little bit better.

I Was Sad Last Night I’m OK now - Tobi Lou

I was sad last night, I'm okay now My bad lil' bih went missin' on me All my confidence sure went missin' on me Ain't seen you in a while, are you checkin' on me? I was hungry as fuck, I just ate now But the state that I'm in got me anxious again

Sometimes I ignore you too - Tobi Lou

All these things I don't need (A lot) Giving me anxiety (Stop) (I need you to escape I'm like light years away I’m here, you’re there It’s no fair You think you make all the rules My insides are royal blue Sometimes I ignore you too) Took a step back but, didn't go backwards I wanted things but they didn't happen

Tobi has been my soul food for the past few months. I was sad last night I’m OK now has been the mantra I’ve been trying to chant into existence. It’s all right you sad right now, but tomorrow, it’s gonna be better. It’s okay you were sad last night, but right now you’re ok. I play this song in the morning after I do my meditation. The cycle of trying to fulfill my basic needs/duties of the day, but the anxiety just popping up for no f- reason has really been my days lately. But I’m trying not to dwell on it too much. I constantly am reminding myself that I “took a step back but, didn’t go backwards.” I’m trying to live by it.

Tobi is a prolific artist and just so accurately captures the spirit of your twenties, these particular turbulent and unsure times, in so many other songs too. He just owns his vulnerability in a funky way; he’s sad but boppy; insecure but also knows he’s still hot shit, and honestly just goals. He just matter-of-factly states what he’s going through, and shows me that all these emotions can coexist at the same time and that’s fine and beautiful. I can be sad sometimes, but be okay; I can feel doubt while also thinking my insides are royal blue; I can miss someone but also ignore them; I can feel like things aren’t fair but move on; I can take a step back but move forward.

Dr. WHOEVER - Amine

I sit here and tell you my problems That's how this work, right? I'm s'posed to be open and honest But I got time, right Let your feelings settle in

I want war (but I need peace) - Kali Uchis

My mind and my soul is the weapon And every failure was a lesson See, I just wanna grow into my greatness I wish I had the time that you takin' I want war, but I need peace And they kept on callin' me crazy But maybe, that's how God made me

On the note of accepting myself, maybe this is how God made me. I’ve tried digging into why it was I was in such a funk when things were objectively fine, other than the obvious of what happened in Spring 2019. But I haven’t really* been able to get down to it, and I’ve felt a bit crazy and frustrated. And yet, I have been pressuring myself to get out of it for so long. The overarching theme has been that I’ve felt that I have no time, as Amine seems to question in Dr. WHOEVER. I feel so old, so behind in life, but can’t muster up the motivation to do even the basics for a while. Hence the loop-de-loop of doom. I’m maybe realizing that personality-wise I approach things like a war—something to conquer, to overcome, to achieve—when what I really need is peace—kindness, a steadier state. And instead of seeking that from external things—career, marriage by a certain age (which seem to be the standard these days)—I need to find that in myself.

I do think I’ve reached a point where I can’t justify why, but I can put words to why the slump has lasted this long. It’s because I felt like I just wasn’t making progress in any core pillars of my life. Even the good things were arbitrary and by chance, and it just made me feel like I wasn’t earning anything or moving forward. An interesting and random event has made me realize though, that every failure has been* a lesson, even though it’s taking much longer & more effort for me to feel it and realize it in my life. My mind and my soul has been a weapon that I’ve used against myself for a while, and I’m realizing I still can* use it for myself. I’m trying to grow into my greatness, and I think I am getting there, slowly but surely. Maybe I do have the time that you takin.

Instead of ruminating on why and what went wrong on multiple fronts, I am trying to cut my losses and accept, much like JID does. Sometimes you try for shit and shit just doesn’t work out. I need to just use how God made me to deal with whatever it is I’m going through, and be satisfied, even feel a sense of appreciation, instead of focusing on what I’m not:

Workin Out - JID

(Mama call, "Where the fuck you at?") -the story of living in Korea with my parents at age 26. I gave everything and got nothing back 'Cause I been working hella hard, shit ain't really working out I been praying to the Lord, shit ain't really working out I been looking to the stars, keep my head up in the clouds Shit ain't really working out, shit ain't really working out Quiet Don't explain What is there to gain Searching for a purpose, I see what you on Difference in how you be using your gifts In the midst of the shit that you dealing with

And a brief interjection to actually embrace the vulnerability that I so admire in Tobi and these artists. Despite these realizations that you need to stop lingering too much and move on, you still want a hot tub dream machine and want things you can’t have, and want to croon about it for a bit. “Honesty is better when it’s practiced”: this line hits me most saliently these days. It’s one of those lines that hits you and you’re like wow, what an interesting way to phrase a truth. We always talk about honesty and the value of it, and harbor our honest thoughts it in ourselves. Yet we rarely fully voice it, to ourselves nor to our families, friends, partners and it leads to a lot of strife. Honesty not about what we want or want to reach, but where we’re at right now. A failure to do this has been a central part of how things went further south last year. I’ve been taking this to heart, and trying to practice this form of honesty these days.

Hot tub DREAM machine - tobi Lou

Ayy, I need a hot tub time machine Then I can go back and fix everything Same old you, but a different me Maybe we can be human beings Still struggling with a whole lot of things I'm still down here spiraling But you know there's something about you That makes me happy, but makes me so sad too Makes me so damn sad I don't wanna fall asleep, I don't wanna say good night I don't wanna get too weak, I don't wanna slip your mind 'Cause lately you so UFO You don't come around no more You visit me in my dreams Like why on Earth you do that for?

Cheap Vactions – Tobi Lou

I'm just waitin' on you, on you I got a window seat with your name on it I got the red eye cheap, we could fade on it I-I-I do not think I'm ok Sometimes I think I can fly You know I hate being lonely Don't keep me waiting too long

Stolen Moments - Cautious Clay

Honesty is better when it’s practiced Don’t stress your confidence in subtleties Cus no better half can satisfy A wasted alibi

Ultimately, despite the meandering journey I’ve been on, the dips of frustration and self-questioning, I feel it like a faint hint in the backdrop that has gotten more salient over the months: I’m proud of myself. I remember listening to PROUD OF U by EARTHGANG (feat. Young Thug) while doing some dumbbell rows at the gym and feeling a pang in my chest and perhaps, a tiny tear in my eye. Something about Young Thug’s cracking voice as he says he’s proud of you that got to me. These past few months, I’ve truly realized how hard on myself I normally am and it feels like a big step for me to be proud of myself, not for an external achievement that everyone validates or something that I think is impossible, but for working on myself in a silent way, even if parts of it may appear incomprehensible or silly to both myself and others.

And my lighthearted spirit anthem. I’m addicted to “taking care of myself” in all ways these past few months, and a funsie way it has manifested is exactly and literally the following: an obsession with skincare. No matter the topsy turvy tribulations of the day, I wrap up the evening slapping on some new toners, serums, and creams, maybe peeling off a sheet mask pack, and feeling myself to this song. There’s something that feels affirming about taking care of my skin even if “the world gonna end,” and I see no one. It’s a symbolic, tangible, but also random act that keeps it all in good fun. The interweaving of cursing out the doom of 2020, the anger directed towards multiple sources yet no one at all, the sadness, the confidence, the indignation, the sass, the resolve, the twinkly dancing alone in my room, the laughter, all in no particular order, it all me right now.

I really do feel like if I continue down this road, circling back to Dr. Whoever, I’ll be on track in my life. This may actually save a life:

SKIN CARE TUTORIAL 2020 - Tobi Lou

I'm irrational, I'm too passionate I don't give a fuck, I just popped a zip Mirror on the wall, who the baddest bitch? Oh yeah right that's me How could I forget? Vengeance on these hoes, 2020 shit Real sad shit God damn bitch, I'm beautiful Have you ever seen a - like me? Let me answer that for you, no you haven't I'm takin' care of my skin, ayy I'm drinkin' water and shit, yeah I moisturize like a bitch, ooh Fuck 2020 by the way, yeah (Bitch, this might fuck around and save a life)

Updated mid-Oct & mid-Nov 2020

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clara-diamondsong · 7 years

Text

Clara’s Highschool AU Form

I really like the idea of this AU and because I’ve had a lot of fun writing for the medieval one, I’d love to join this one as well! @ssohighschoolau

Basics:

Full Name: Clara Renard Diamondsong

Nickname: Fox (only her close friends know and use this however)

Age: 18

Gender: Female

Place of Birth: Eastern Epona

Birthday: 5th of February

Currently Living In: Silverglade (her parents still live in Eastern Epona)

Occupation: None

Sexual Orientation: Bi

Social Status: Well known and liked but ultimately tends to hang out by herself

Relationship Status: Taken for all intents and purposes

Pet(s): A very light grey Friesian sport mare named Sophie and her family has additional horses in their stable back home

School Related

Druid Circle: Star

Classes:

Science

Math

History

Gym

English riding

Horsemanship

English

Health

Sports/Clubs:

Track and Field

English riding team

Writing club

Would like to learn and join mounted archery at some point

Appearance

Height: 5′3″

Weight: 135

Skin Color: Fair

Hair Style: Long and wavy

Hair Color: Light blonde with pink tips

Eye Color: Grey-Blue

Distinguishing Features: Long eyelashes, a medium sized nose that has a bump from being broken, a scar on the right side of her neck, a widows peak, dimples

Preferred Clothing: Usually either wears very comfy clothes (black leggings and an oversized tee shirt with sneakers) or extremely polished and put together (nice skirts and dresses with heels and sweaters) there is no in-between

Accessories: A heart ring on her left ring finger, a large blue topaz ring on her right ring finger, a two tone watch, small gold hoop earrings, a silver horseshoe necklace, and almost always has a bright nail polish on

Health

General Health: Fair health, nothing to huge to note

Posture: Fair, tends to be a little hollow backed because she likes to keep her shoulders back

Any physical illnesses?: None

Any mental illnesses?: Struggles with clinical depression

Take drugs?: No

Smoke?: Has a light smoking habit she recently started and knows she needs to quit

Conversation

Way of Speaking: Very literal, tries not to use fillers but usually fails, likes to ramble

Common Conversation Starter: “Hey babe” (unless your character is uncomfortable with this, then usually just “hey”)

Swears?: A lot

Made-Up Words?: None

Made-Up Language?: None

Likes/Dislikes

Likes: adventure, breaking the rules, the freedom of writing (and riding), waking up early, coffee, finding new books, making friends, shopping, the beach

Dislikes: bigotry, being shut in, animal cruelty, having to get a new jPhone every 2 years because they keep coming out with new ones, cole slaw, general injustices

Hobbies: likes to write, runs and rides to clear her head

Habits: twists her hair, picks at her cuticles

Strengths/Weaknesses

Strengths: Hardened exterior so nothing really gets to her, resilient, quick thinking, intelligent

Weakness: Cynical, tends to get herself into trouble with all the rule breaking, unmotivated

Skills/Abilities

She is very intelligent and could have the ability to be in the top percentages of her class (but doesn’t put in the effort to do so). A gifted rider and a fast runner, likes to write and has an active imagination.

Secrets

She has horrible self esteem even though she presents completely the opposite to everyone. Usually at odds with her family at some way or another. Often wonders if people would notice if she left.

Fears

Ending up alone and unhappy. People saying things that actually get to her.

Dreams/Goals

She’s actually very unmotivated. Recognizes being a top level equestrian is unrealistic even though it was once a dream of her’s. Ultimately wants to end up in a happy marriage as a better mother than her’s was.

Favorites

Food: Pizza

Color: Pink

Animal: Tie between horses and cats

Number: 9

Holiday: Thanksgiving

Season: The holiday time between Thanksgiving and Christmas

Time of Day: Sunrise

Thing to Watch: She’s down for anything except scary things

Movie: Jurassic Park

Show: The X-Files

Type of Art: Impressionist paintings

Genre of Music: loves pretty much all music but is especially fond of Hip-Hop, Pop, and classical; also has an affinity for musical theatre / show tunes

Genre of Shows: Anything that’s well written

Genre of Movies: Thrillers or stupid comedies

Personality

Quiet but not really shy, just kind of does her own thing, but if you can get her talking will go on and on. Very rebellious and adventurous, a bit of a troublemaker and likes to break the rules. Friendly and cynical.

Relationships

Family: Wealthy older parents that still live in Eastern Epona as well as an older brother, Sam, who is studying at university. She is not close with her parents and very rarely sees her brother.

Love interest: Josh

Friends/Allies: She would classify pretty much everyone as at least an acquaintance

Enemies: None currently [open to a few though]

#high school au #sso high school au #au

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acollectionofdifferentthings · 3 years

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Nothing personal, just business.

If I was going to put myself in the shoes of a mental illness I know I would be doing everything in my power to make sure that I feel helpless, unmotivated, full of doubt in myself and unhappy with what I want to do, feeling alone and broken. I know I would be trying my best to make sure that I did not have motivation to work on myself, to pick myself out of bed each morning and to see people who I would usually love to see. I know I would try to convince myself that this is just my life now, that I am destined for this constant pit of despair and there is really no way out for me so either I just accept this as the new normal or I stop suffering all together. I know I would be playing games with myself, teasing myself with glimpses of a better life but ultimately crushing me down even further than I was before just for that personal bit of satisfaction I would get from seeing the hope stream out of my eyes each time. I know I would want to keep myself on my toes at all times, forever overthinking the smallest of things, anxious about what comes next, stressed about every day and on edge thinking that nobody else wants me here. I am just doing my job though, as a mental illness I am just here to make sure I tick off my own checklist and make sure my person is feeling this terrible about themselves because I am in control and I get to make the rules for this person because they are powerless to stop me, it is nothing personal, just business. In putting myself in the shoes of how a mental illness would think though I came to realise that the thoughts that I was constantly feeling in my own head were exactly as I just described and it dawned on me that I had told myself over and over that this is me doing this to myself, these thoughts are my own but really they were not at all. They had come from an illness inside of my mind, they had been developed and had come to control how I thought and I was not in control at all anymore. Understanding the job that mental illness had inside of me meant that I could work through reassuring myself that these thoughts were not truly my own, I was not in a healthy headspace to be listening to myself and I should be pushing back against these thoughts or self-doubt, self-hate and just never being able to see purpose in anything that I was doing no matter how good it was. These thoughts were being fed to me and the only way I could improve was to do the opposite of what they were telling me to do, I needed to keep moving forward, keep going, keep learning, learn to swallow the doubt and see people who I enjoyed seeing, do things I knew I liked doing and make sure that I was looking after myself in the best possible way that I could as I could not let this corruption, this illness win. Too many people give up on themselves because they truly think that they are just unworthy to ever be repaired, to ever get better and they think that they this is their own voice dictating what they do but they don’t see that they are being driven towards this destruction and they actually have no say in the matter. Do not give up on yourself so early, realise that this illness is not you and it is not how your life will be forever; work to find that bit of courage to push back and get a bit of leverage by doing the things that you think are impossible. Start slowly and work your way up through doing small things and ask for help whenever you possibly can, your life is so precious and never think otherwise because then you are ticking off the final box that your mental illness has to tick off before its job is complete. Until that last box is ticked off there is always going to be hope for you, support and other people are here and they want to see you get through everything that is going on. You may not see it but so much of the world is behind you and wants to see you happier again, we just find it hard to say it all of the time but don’t lose hope.

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adayinshayslife-blog · 5 years

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Being honest...

What do ya know?

Today became one of those days that made me realized how extremely unhappy I am about myself - not my life as a big picture, not my family, not my friends, but ME. I guess I am not being specific enough, so here goes: I am unhappy with my body image and the “funk” that I have been experiencing for quite some time.

I try so hard every day not to compare myself to other people, yet many times, I have failed. I think to myself: “Those girls are so much more beautiful, so skinny, and so elegant... They are everything that I can never be”. The comparison makes me feel even more depressed than I already am. My self-esteem drops to the negative every time, and I felt resentment towards those girls, strangers that I never thought I’d care for.

I used to be so motivated, so eager to go to the gym and work out. I was able to keep myself productive and active for 4 months. I saw and felt the results. I felt extremely incredible. I was gorgeous and from a size 8, I went down to size 4. From a medium, I went down to a small. Every piece of clothing I owned fit me so perfectly and I have never felt so different - in a good way of course. I managed my diet by cooking all the foods myself. I went to the gym, did cardio and lifted weights for an hour to an hour and a half, 5 days a week. All I was doing then was going to work and not having to be worried about school, and let me tell ya, it felt so relaxing. I had no homework to be worried about, no quizzes or exams to study for, and no deadlines to be obsessing over. I was free.

I honestly thought that I could keep this going for probably the rest of my life since I wanted so badly to be skinnier and healthier. Being fit and healthy then made me feel extremely happy, energetic, and content all at the same time. But of course, I would never forgive myself if I don’t try and finish school. That being said, I finally went back to school after a short break, just to ease my mind, and my family’s. Just work and gym was fun and stress-free, but I got bored way too often. During that entire break from school, I could not wait to go back.

But then, I let loose.

I went back to school. I also got promoted at work and worked even more hours than before. Every single day, I would go to work, then come home and study or do homework, or vice versa. Holy smokes! Now that I am back into the “grind,” I find myself being overly tired every single day. I never felt the need to be active anymore because I thought I have been doing that all day at work. I stopped going to the gym and stopped trying to be healthy, at least, for my own sake. I can’t tell you how much I regretted those days.

What’s more, my mom has the most amazing cooking skills! I eat twice as much as I usually do when it is her cooking. I over eat, over sleep, or I’d get no sleep at all, and that all adds to the list. I get extremely angry at myself for having no willpower or the strength to keep going and not giving up on myself. I don’t go to the gym anymore. I don’t cook my own meals anymore. I don’t do things for myself anymore... And so, I don’t feel like myself anymore.

Today, I have admitted it to myself that I am the problem. I don’t push myself hard enough and I don’t put efforts in building the person I am supposed to be. I have always known that I am the reason that the things I want to do never happened: I am lazy, unmotivated, too stressed about school and work, and too selfless for others, and never selfish enough for myself. Today, I have admitted it all, that I am the roots of all my worries and disappointments. I am worried that I will never be able to get to where I deserve to be, physically and mentally. I am worried that I won’t have enough time for school and work if I choose to lose an hour out of my day to go work out. I am worried that if I am not skinnier, no one would love and accept me, because even I don’t accept myself. I am disappointed in myself for not going to the gym anymore. I am disappointed at the fact that I know I am lazy and unproductive but would not do anything to change it. I am disappointed at myself for not watching what I eat or when I eat. I always let myself go, especially the moment I start feeling hungry, and that is now escalated to being hungry almost every hour. That is soooooooo not healthy, AT ALL! I can’t catch my breath going up the stairs. I become restless after having already rested, like what the heck man? I get angry more often now (again, actually). I don’t think straight most of the time. I despise people who worked hard to be able to look the way they do and then wishing that I can look just like them without having to sweat. How hypocritical of me to think and act the way I do?

I went back to the gym today with a different mindset. I cannot keep having this internal conflict with myself and not do anything to change or solve it. I will not overthink, I will just do it. I will push myself harder than I have ever been before, and I will do whatever makes me happy. I will not exercise all 7 days a week, since my muscles need to relax and rest too. I used to not stretch at all before or after I worked out, so I will do so whenever I do, or even on my rest days. I will watch what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat. I will consume less and I will burn more fat, more calories. That does not mean I won’t eat at all, but I will make sure to eat a fulfilling portion every time. I will do this for me and myself only. My main motivation is to become healthy, to look healthy, to feel healthy, to be stronger, and to set my mind on a straight path once again, and for good.

I am so unhappy right now, but that will change soon... I’ll make sure.

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hitachihanoi · 5 years

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7 Means Kurt Vonnegut Poisoned Readers’ Minds together with Humanity

In a obituary with regard to writer Kurt Vonnegut posted in the Are usually Times , Elaine Woo calls Vonnegut “ an American first, often in comparison with Mark Twain for a perspective that mixed social critique, wildly dark humor as well as a call to be able to basic human decency. ” She estimates Jay McInerney, who considered Vonnegut “ a satirist with a heart and soul, a moralist with a whoopee cushion. ” For Woo, Vonnegut “ was a open public writer— one that directly resolved some of the most vexing issues involving his day. ”

Vonnegut is quotes in the obituary as acquiring once explained his motives as a article writer were community and that he urged all writers to be real estate agents of adjust. Vonnegut sought his classic tomes to “ catch individuals before they may become generals in addition to Senators along with Presidents, ” to “ poison their brains with mankind. Encourage them to create a better planet. ” Just about all artists, which include writers, audio the burglar alarm when society is being in danger, according to Vonnegut. They are the canaries in the coal mine, appreciated as burglar alarm systems.

It’ s something to have such lofty objectives as a writer; it’ s quite a different to produce change in people’ s i9000 mind and also behavior along with words. However Vonnegut manages to do it with ?quilibre. This dissertation will discover the ways in which Kurt Vonnegut was able to “ poison readers’ intellects with human race, ” how he behaved as an adviser of alter and how other writers are capable of doing the same.

paper writing service #1: Through caring with regards to humanity.

Kurt Vonnegut cared. Having been a humanist. More than just being a entertainer, he looked out for us— that is to say, humankind. Perhaps no genre allows a article writer to envision a healthier long term more than research fiction. Vonnegut often weaved science fictional elements directly into his classic tomes, including time travel along with futuristic technology, and in many ways, he employed this bendable genre to maintain humanity within the rails.

Within the novel God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater Vonnegut’ s happening againcoming back character, some sort of science tale fantasy writer called Kilgore Trout (clearly Vonnegut’ s change ego), lock-ups a conference for technology fiction freelance writers. Trout tells the other science fiction writers:

“ I like you son’s of bitches… you’ lso are the only types with balls enough to totally care about the near future, who really notice just what machines because of us, exactly what wars because of us, precisely what cities do to us, what big, basic ideas do to us, precisely what tremendous misunderstandings, mistakes, mishaps and changement do to you. ”

#2: By mixing dark wit and desire (gray humor).

Within the essay “ For the Young boys: Masculinity, Gray Comedy, as well as the Vietnam Battle in Slaughterhouse-Five ” writer Peter Kunze rejects typically the notion this Vonnegut was a black humorist, which he / she defines as a writer who else handles customarily serious matters such as war, sexuality as well as death by granting them irreverent treatment for you to depict often the irrationality of contemporary life or maybe the absurdity involving existence. Quite, Kunze contends that Vonnegut’ s tale fantasy is “ ‘ greyish comedy, ’ a blend of absurdist black hilarity with safeguarded sense associated with hope. ” For Kunze, Vonnegut’ s fiction exhibits “ a optimism which aims to uplift, even really encourage, the audience. ”

In “ Vonnegut’ s Sense of Humor, ” Kunze in addition to coauthor Robert Tally compose, “ The actual humor is actually rooted on this sense from the absurd, describing a world— the ‘ end worldwide, ’ within fact— in which nearly everyone behaves badly and little to no an answer to humanity. ” They increase: “ Vonnegut instructs the reader through grubby jokes, along with the reader knowingly chuckles not because it is funny… but as an opportunity of making perception of the rigmarole and apparent hopelessness confronting us. ” To sum it up, Kunze and Tally write, “ His humor— sometimes premature, sometimes gloomy, always urgent— remains essential to his extremely optimistic vision of the world magnificent hopes for just a better potential. ”

The Emotive Craft associated with Fiction: How you can Write the Account Beneath the Surface

In Slaughterhouse-Five , Vonnegut brings our attention to typically the absurdity involving war simply by showing viewers how wars destroy young men and dehumanize, rather than masculinize. In this way, Vonnegut “ infects” readers and also require the unhappy vocation associated with helping to income wars or perhaps carrying these on.

Based on Kunze, Slaughterhouse-Five revises “ a dangerous myth that war makes boys into men— that is definitely, assuming that they survive. By making use of black hilarity, Vonnegut surely could underscore all these issues along with disturb his / her audience in to paying attention and in many cases into a brand-new consciousness. ” Vonnegut uses Slaughterhouse-Five to protect the youth via participating in typically the insanity regarding war, coming from self-destruction— as well as “ to help relieve them within their birthright because leaders on the planet by imbuing them with empathy, rationality and also a sense regarding obligation for the community it does not override often the integrity in their individuality. ”

#3: By using a mock-serious tone.

In Cat’ h Cradle , Vonnegut’ nasiums favorite story he had composed, the author’ s greyish humor carries a mock-serious strengthen, as a far more heavy-handed, self-righteous treatment of these serious subjects may have put the reader off. In one landscape, the hapless narrator John interviews any scientist. They will discuss simple research— “ pure research” — and its particular aim to grow knowledge devoid of any attention paid out to sensible applications. They discuss technological projects for any military. Inside a mock-serious sculpt, the man of science says this marines ended up sick of dirt. Why couldn’ t a person invent devices or a tablet that would clear soldiers in the burden of off-road? This is silly, of course , and we grin grow older read. Typically the mocking develop allows Vonnegut to slip truths past the readers’ defenses. In such cases, the idea is the fact military as well as the applied scientists who also invent gadgets for them goes to fantastic lengths to ensure their victories.

Cat’ s Holder revolves around 1 scientist’ s attempt to make a capsule, named “ Snow Nine, ” that can deep freeze water and perform away together with mud for good. “ And also the United States Marine corps would climb from the swamp and mar on. ” The reader peanut while reading about the creator of Ice-cubes Nine, a new visionary researcher named Felix Hoenikker, who else eats by yourself in the cafeteria every day. “ It was any rule that no one would sit with him, for you to interrupt his / her chain connected with thought. ”

In addition to deploying a mock-serious tone, Vonnegut is often self-deprecating. In Slaughterhouse-Five , Vonnegut is the term for his “ famous” Dresden book since “ lousy. ” By his narrator, he religion to be a “ trafficker inside climaxes along with thrills as well as characterizations as well as wonderful debate and suspense and confrontations. ” Vonnegut may have made fun involving himself within the novel for the reason that book experienced numerous meets and begins. He had attempted many ways to publish a story regarding his period as a hostage of conflict, including right reporting, without success. The narrator of the novel says, “ I would detest to tell you that this unhealthy little book cost myself in funds and stress and time period. ”

Evoking Emotion within Fiction: 6 Pragmatic Methods to Make Visitors Give a Damn

#4: By enabling your creative imagination run untamed.

When you read a novel like Cat’ s Holder , mainly from a writer’ s view, you are reminded that you can do anything in tale fantasy. You can be crazy or unusual, absurdly critical or seriously absurd— let your imagination patrol. Writing is any craft, you will discover principles, but whether there are policies is arguable. Vonnegut’ s i9000 artistic alternatives inspire authors to experiment with design, tone, storyline, character or perhaps structure— almost anything. No component of craft is off-limits.

Nearly every admirer involving Vonnegut’ s i9000 work good remarks the author’ s creativeness. American author John Irving said he was our “ most stubbornly imaginative writer. ” In an obituary printed in The Guard , Alex Clark estimated writer Gore Vidal, who said, “Vonnegut was inventive; our era of internet writers didn’ to go in for thoughts very much. Literary realism is the general style. Those of us who came out of the war in the 1940s got sort of the state American the entire, and it had been often a bit on the dreary side. Kurt was never ever dull. ”

Vonnegut must have been a true unique, an designer, an artist. In “ Vonnegut’ s Melancholy, ” Kathryn Hume publishes articles, “ Possibility accidents, unforeseeable consequences of minor steps, frequent reversals and crazy, unmotivated ups and downs of bundle of money are always part of a Vonnegut novel. ” Alex Clark (2007) publishes articles that “ Slaughterhouse-Five … rejects a conventional narrative, showing its assaults in deliberately jumbled and also fragmentary fashion. ” Vonnegut also merged fantasy along with realism in the work. “ Most of the works of fiction have a spacey quality this defamiliarizes often the historical adjustments and finds all the steps in Vonnegut-land. ”

#5: By employing utopias in addition to dystopias

Many of Vonnegut’ s plots contain utopian or dystopian features. Within “ Vonnegut’ s Despair, ” Hume writes, “ Vonnegut’ s i9000 novels display utopian leanings: he gifts serious public problems and wants to find replies. ”

Calamit? is most evident in Galá pagos and Cat’ nasiums Cradle . In Cat’ s Cradle , Ice 9 is a doomsday device. The particular futuristic engineering doesn’ t only frost nova mud, that freezes the particular rivers and also streams, the seas and oceans, all of the world’ nasiums water. Hume writes, “ The three Hoenikker children in Cat’ s Holds drift with out friends or perhaps real function, so they try and control their particular lives by buying love and jobs using their slivers associated with Ice Being unfaithful. ” In Galá pagos , the narrator humorously contends that individual brains are too big for their own good, a fatal defect within the evolution from the human race. Our own supreme contemplating power, when responsible for wonderful works of art and also missions to the moon, buy us into trouble. “ Our planet was innocent, apart from those great big brains. ”

Hume is currently writing that Vonnegut’ s utopian or dystopian elements are usually “ Vonnegut’ s endeavors to solve interpersonal problems create society considerably better and more merely than it truly is. … Provided that his utopias do not floral into excellent societies, these kinds of plot features add their very own bit towards the pessimistic mother nature of their vision. ”

#6: By producing with design.

The idea doesn’ to matter the way funny you will be on the site or the way noble your personal intentions can be before you placed pen for you to paper. If a reader can’ t comprehend your writing, the fight is missing. One are not able to poison the reader’ s mind having humanity if your reader tosses your book across the space in disgust.

Vonnegut’ t prose is definitely clean along with unpretentious, expecting a baby with “ true content, ” within the Hemmingway feeling. A commonsense thinker, Vonnegut was a self-described straight-talker who have wrote collegially, the way persons from his hometown associated with Indianapolis gave a talk: “ Just where common presentation sounds like the band observed cutting galvanized tin, ” Vonnegut mentioned in his essay “ The way to Write together with Style, ” which often appeared inside the book, How to Use the Power of often the Printed Phrase .

Within this essay, Vonnegut urges often the writer to help respect the reader. “ If you scribble your notions any which way, your readers will surely think that you care nothing with regards to them. They may mark anyone down being an egomaniac or maybe a chowderhead— or even, worse, they will stop reading you. ” This way connected with approaching any kind of piece of writing will be generous. The reader may be doing any number of other activities, however they have decided to spend time with you actually and your ideas. Vonnegut knew that the viewer made a determination to read his or her book, and he never got that for granted.

In the very same vein, Vonnegut urges authors not to squander the reader’ s moment. One way to do this is to create about things care about. He / she wrote in relation to race, social justice plus the role connected with institutions, between many things. He cared severely about these topics; readers sensed this along with were riveted. Another way to prevent wasting any readers’ time period is to take away anything unneeded in one’ s function. Vonnegut highly regarded the reader insurance firms the guts to help delete what exactly wasn’ t working in his writing. Great writing is generally less of what you put in and more with what you abandon. Vonnegut acquired no addition to his / her beautiful phrases, and he lost boring as well as unintelligible sentences before human being had the chance to pass over these people.

Vonnegut furthermore urges authors to agree to simplicity. Determination a aware decision to post with very simple language, citing the “ two wonderful masters regarding language, William Shakespeare and David Joyce, who wrote content which were virtually childlike while their subject matter were many profound. ” For example , inside the famous William shakespeare line “ to be not really to be, ” Vonnegut notices that “ the best word is three characters long. ” Vonnegut credited the simpleness of his or her writing for you to his coaching as a correspondent, a career through which it’ t important to be brief.

#7: By causing your own heart and soul grow.

Vonnegut delivered a notice to learners, instructing these phones write a poem as very best as they might and not notify anyone of what they had created. After they authored their poems, he told the students for you to tear the paper in to many items and throw it aside in different waste cans. In Typically the Huffington Post article “ Kurt Vonnegut Once Provided This Amazing Letter To A Senior high school, ” Rebecca Klein rates from the notice Vonnegut wrote to the pupils. “ You will see that you been gloriously recognized for your composition. You have knowledgeable becoming, figured out a lot more with regards to what’ s i9000 inside a person, and you have manufactured your spirit grow. ”

The idea is the fact that such self-examination may engender compassion and also empathy with regard to other individuals, who aren’ t in which different from anyone. If you produce enough poetry, do adequate art— within whatever form that may be— you might merely stumble upon by far the most precious treasure of all: forgiveness— that uncommon capacity to eliminate people for their ignorance, absurdity, self-interest or maybe wickedness. Since after all, we’ re just about all just trying our best in this particular crazy slope of pinto beans.

Kurt Vonnegut began Galá pagos with a estimate from Susan Frank: “ In spite of anything, I nonetheless believe everyone is really good planned, ” yet perhaps Vonnegut put it greatest in God Bless You, Mr.. Rosewater :

“ Our god damn the idea, you’ comienza got to end up being kind. ”

The post appeared first on Hitachi Hà Nội.

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booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years

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[long read] I know I need some change in my life but I don't know how to achieve it (or where to start) via /r/selfimprovement

[long read] I know I need some change in my life but I don't know how to achieve it (or where to start)

Hey /r/selfimprovement. I've been running the same paradox through my mind time and time again and am finally at the point where I feel like I may need some outside advice. I'm a 27M (Indian, 5'5, born and raised in the US) who is unhappy with a couple huge aspects of his life, but can't realize what it's going to take to bring him to where he wants to be (much of this having to do with factors he feels are out of his control).

Firstly, I am unhappy with my love life. It seems like all of my friends are in long-standing relationships, married, or at the very least able to find dates frequently. Since I am out of college and single, I've pretty much resigned myself to having to use dating sites/apps like Tinder and OkCupid in order to find dates. I've tried messing around with different types of pictures (no selfies, out doing interesting things, can clearly see my face, etc...all the "do's you basically read about as far as choosing dating site photos goes) and including witty blurbs/detailed bios in my various profiles. I even send detailed messages to women, usually picking up on something in her bio or photos (not just a "hey sexy" or some other fuckboy shit). Now, I realize that I am not entitled to get any interest or responses from anybody...but boy is it exhausting/disheartening to be ignored and passed over just about every single time I try to break out of my comfort zone and actually message someone with something well thought-out. This in turn has put me in a vicious cycle of deleting and reactivating all of my profiles because I eventually get so fed up with all the rejection and need to distance myself from it for a while, only to return when I feel like I'm in a better standing (I never actually am, and so the cycle continues). Because of all this, I am not meeting very many women and it's causing me to become far too attached to anyone who actually does give me the time of day. In the past these feelings have manifested in me acting out in clingy/jealous ways and have ruined friendships. I look back at these times and tell myself that I would never act out in that way again, but the needy/jealous feelings that went along with it still exist inside my mind and I hate it. I don't think this "oneitis" would be an issue if I had a lot of female interest, but I don't.

Secondly, I feel like my job is very unsatisfying. I graduated college back in 2013 with a BS in electrical engineering and started working for a defense contracting firm shortly afterwards (which is where I still am to this very day) doing software development related tasks. At first I was doing some pretty interesting things at my job but as the years went on, most of that meaningful work has dried up. As of late, I spend a lot of time waiting for work to do without anything else to keep myself occupied (I'm too paranoid of managers walking near my desk and assuming I'm "slacking off" if I use my phone/am on some website unrelated to my job), which often leaves me in a bit of a braindead state by the time I go home for the day. This in turn leads me to be far too tired and unmotivated to learn new things in my free time after work that could help me land a different job (I hardly have the time on most nights anyways because I like to go to the gym).

Finally (and this ties into my second point), I don't feel passionate enough about things to wanna pursue learning about them/practicing them for very long. The initial interest comes on strong, but once I get to a point where the level of difficulty increases, I tend to bail out and go do something entertaining like watch Netflix or play video games instead (or on the worst nights, aimlessly scroll through social media sites to see what other people are doing). This never ends up giving me a sense of satisfaction, but I can't seem to break the habit and just trust that I will become better at something if I keep at it.

Anyways, all of these issues have been compounding on me for a long time and leaving me feeling very depressed, lonely, and unfulfilled. It seems like the longer I wait without having a path laid out for me, the further I'm gonna sink into this hole. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a magical answer that will fix all my problems, but I could definitely use all the advice I can get so I can pull myself out of this rut.

Thanks for reading, and I apologize if it seems like I'm just rambling at parts (I'm not the most eloquent person when it comes to organizing my thoughts lol).

Submitted April 24, 2018 at 01:42AM by losing_streak_ via reddit https://ift.tt/2HqVrZZ

#IFTTT #reddit

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vignetttes · 6 years

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this darkness will turn to light...

these few days found me broken in the right way... after what I noticed was a streak of self inflicted unhappiness... God break me in this way throughout the week....

During Chinese New Year and the days leading up to it had me thinking what was wrong with myself... after all the cleaning out of my room (not even done with it).... old diaries and written notes here and there, in blogs, in short reflective comments... It was like I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t even enough to be great. To be reallyy loved. To be liked by people. To be cool enough. To be the the one receiving the top poly prize and scholarships thereafter. Etc. Because in between those prizes of course I failed, I lax-ed, I wasn’t fast enough, I was unmotivated and uninspired and everybody was overtaking me and I couldn’t face that fact. I thought I was pretty good, yknow. Got that distinction in the adaptive reuse studio, failed the BTD portion, but in the end God was gracious and gave me the scholarship I wasn’t too excited about... but I got it anyway. Masters was a struggle. It was where I seriously doubted my abilities in this industry. Everyone was going ahead of me but I wasn’t that all serious and the environment wasn’t the best to help me out with it.. I had moments of wisdom.. God pulled me up when I was crashing because I cried for help... Serving in the Hillsong team stretched my limits (in the bus coord) but also see grace and unity in the Hosting team... and I miss Joie and sharing life (:

That was those moments. The fact is I’m hardly any of those. (loved, liked, cool, smart and smashing life) Being the first two requires a trait that I don’t have. Well in the values of the world you can be famous good looking and skillful in your art and some kind of love and liking will come to you. I know that kind of love and liking I have towards a certain actor or even a fictional character. Even as a very young person I grow to like superficial things like that. What I also realized is that I also like people for who they are. People who are open and honest that they are broken and see the world larger than themselves. These people usually make art. Songwriters. Book writers. Speakers. Orators. In fact these kind of people breaks my heart in the right way. And I’m pretty sure they are shining and oozing out that real human-God connection and they are honest about it with the world. The hardcore workers in the Kingdom are another breed. They just go on and on like their energy is unlimited doing Kingdom work, and miracles of healing and salvation keeps coming. These are another breed of world changers. This group are the ones that never break that chain of open heaven supply. It’s like they’re on a highway going full speed and focused. Of course sometimes they fall out or breakdown- but those that come back as version 2.0 are the ones that went back crawling to the Father like a child.... and of course those who seeks to be broken for the lost everyday are unlikely to breakdown because of their self.... like I said, the self-inflicted pain. You know Jules you can accept the help and salvation here and now.

No more hurting for yourself, and start hurting for others... And it spreads on when the others get healed, they start hurting for another ...

Recently I was walking down to clementi station... and insanely, most of the time, I’d be just pissed walking to the station. It’s crazy. Like pissed with the weather, the smell, the tons of people blocking my way of changing direction because they’re unsure of where they’re going. It’s crazy I can’t believe I let these things get to me. The world is bigger than your convenience man. I had a sort of revelation. Not sure because it was a Saturday or what, but I realized that it’s a good place. It’s not perfect, people like to complain etc, but it is a good place for me at this point of time. There is pretty much Peace. No one is screaming or fighting or getting mugged or even afraid of getting mugged. Families are walking together. Isn’t it an amazing thing to see? God help me see more of these. Help me see the light. And be broken for the lost. And the courage to reach out. Spirit help me fight these internal battles that doesn’t make sense at all ! Help me fight my opinion that is not aligned with Yours!

At work, I was starting to be afraid... the Team is just motivated and amazing.. and me, I’m afraid of how I don’t have that inspiration and creativity and motivation as big as the team members! Strictly speaking, I’m just a nobody... Grace had me going all these while..... how can this slow in maths, lazy poke get through the archi degree and land a decent job ya ? I must recognize this over and over and over again... otherwise its 2 steps forwards 2 steps back and I get nowhere... God pour out Your open heaven in my life.... Help me dwell with you longer.... where you can positively influence my life that i go forward... if not 10 steps 1 step will do....

Its just exhausting. To be honest, to keep fighting for yourself. I can’t do that. The world says you must fight for yourself. That you have the power in You. God says I will fight the battle for you. Its not yours. And it has been won. What you are fighting are principalities of the world. You just need to run straight into Me. And I will give you rest, those who are tired and weary and heavy laden, for I am gentle and humble at heart and you will find rest for your souls.... That’s Grace right there. Grace means we run straight to the Father and we leave whatever undesirable of holiness behind. We don’t walk back. Get my feet off the wrong side. I will be on the light side.

To be honest again, being pretty much alone, makes me wonder what is wrong with me? I’m not very very lonely, but I could use some close people... but I’ll be honest that there is very little closeness in the relationships I have.. People who used to be close move on in life, in geography, and non-christians- in their own believe and world views and lifestyle that I can’t step in.. I could really use some closer christian buds...those who are living it out. The Kingdom citizenship at their workplaces.. not just merely doing work and church separately... like honestly, myself pretty much all the time. How do I bring the right spirit in the workplace? I’m really a nobody. The junior person. The one who receive orders and carry it out as told. God give me your wisdom and spirit tomorrow, Monday! Help me be nice, and helpful, and break my heart for those who are lost..... Open doors and opportunities to people I can invite to church... or open doors that they can ask me about life and I can share ... I don’t know what to share but God what’s my story to share? How can I be honest with people and relationships? The truth is that I’m not as cool as I portray myself to be? I don’t have many friends here - because I close myself up and shut them down pretty much? Help me this week... Give me the words to stay... Remind me when I am stressed or sad and frustrated or afraid of being seen alone, remind me that You are near, and give me the courage to talk to people... Help me stop giving out the vibes that I’m too cool to talk to... I’m nothing much.... without You.

I’ve been selfish all these time and I need to change that because being selfish doesn’t help me or life better or nicer... Need You more in my life...

#musings

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