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meltwonu · 4 years

Text

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 | [CHAPTER 4]

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; masturbation, usage of toys, dirty talkin’, a bit of a filler chapter after last weeks hehe🍒 as always, thank you again for your continued support for cherry bomb 🥺💕 I'm actually not sure if next week’s chapter will go up on time due to my work schedule for next week but I'll be sure to keep y’all updated! if anything it’ll probably go up on saturday instead of friday... 😭😭 But anyway, have a good weekend yall! 💕💕💕 stay hydrated!!

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - ?

The weekend ends quicker than Seungcheol even notices and while he wakes up Monday morning already thinking about you and your show later in the evening; his face falters when he reads the message on your cam homepage.

‘Sorry everyone :( I think I caught a cold so I won’t be doing a show tonight… I promise I’ll make it up to you on Friday! In the meantime, I’ve uploaded some new pics in our members only room~ I hope it’ll tide you all over ‘til then! xx Cherry 🍒 ’

His first reaction is to immediately panic; reaching for his phone and texting you to get as much rest and sleep as possible. He makes a mental note to check in with you again later, finding that he’s already running late to get to work when he gets out of bed.

“Hey! Seungcheol-hyung!”

The said male turns around, placing the set of roller skates on the ground. “Yeah, what’s up?”

Jeongguk sits next to him on the wooden bench, legs stretched out as he passes Seungcheol an energy drink. “Nothin’, just wanted to say thanks for coming over on Saturday! We should try to do that again, except maybe we can go out for drinks or something? We can give it the good ‘ol college try, maybe bring home a girl, if you know what I mean~” Jeongguk wiggles his eyebrows at Seungcheol who rolls his eyes.

“Uh, I’m down for the drinking part but I think I’ll have to pass on the hookups.”

“Really? Why? Are you dating someone and you haven’t told me?”

Seungcheol thanks the gods that the roller rink is dimmed; neon lights and disco balls the only things keeping the entire place dimly lit when he blushes a deep crimson, face hot as he avoids the younger male’s gaze. “Nah, it’s just, I--I don’t think that’s really for me. I’m more of a, uh, relationship type of guy, y’know?” Also, I’m devoting my time and energy to someone already who isn’t really my girlfriend.

“Mm, makes sense!”

Jeongguk keeps Seungcheol company even on his break, the two chatting about various topics before he lets Seungcheol know his break is almost over.

“Hey, wait! Before you go…” Seungcheol is nervous for some reason, fingers gripping the suede of the rollerskate’s boot as he avoids eye contact again. “Um, this is gonna sound really weird but… Who’s ‘j__min’? I feel like I’ve seen that username before and it’s, uh, I’m just curious how you know them? Sorry if that’s weird, I just--I’ve been seeing them around pretty often.”

“Oh, that’s Jimin-hyung. He’s a friend of mine that games with me sometimes! I’ve never really met the dude in person before, but he seems nice.” Jeongguk nods, staring off into space. “He seems really busy all the time too. And he’s super active on social media, that’s probably where you’ve seen him.”

Seungcheol nods; the guy didn’t seem like any sort of immediate threat so he logs the information mentally for now. He’d just have to do some internet sleuthing himself when he got home.

“Oh, cool, okay! Thanks ‘Guk!”

Seungcheol groans after the seventh pair of skates he’s cleaned, standing up to stretch and reach for his phone in his pocket. He checks the notifications, noting that you hadn’t texted back or read his messages yet.

A frown paints his features knowing that you were sick, but he makes another mental note to finally buy you that sybian now that his most recent paycheck had come in with it’s overtime bonuses. There were only a few more days until Namjoon came back which meant his extra pays would be over, a sad sigh escaping his lips at the thought.

The day gruels on; Mondays were always the slowest days for the roller rink which meant Seungcheol spent most of the time cleaning skates and bumming snacks from the concession stand usually. He tries to not pry deeper into Jeongguk’s friends but the curiosity eats him alive so he makes an effort to stay away from the younger male for the rest of the day, this time.

Instead, he spends the day hiding in the employee break room any time he gets; only leaving when Yoongi decides to hide in there himself.

Your head feels like it’s going to spin off of your shoulders once you sit up in bed. The sun sits low in the horizon from what you can see through your bedroom window; noting that it must’ve been the late afternoon already.

You’d woken up with chills, head fuzzy when you’d sat up earlier in the morning. Knowing that you were at least somewhat sick, you quickly wrote up a little memo on your homepage letting your viewers know that there wouldn’t be a show later in the evening. Afterwards, you had quickly downed medicine before curling up under your sheets and going back to sleep. You’d vaguely been aware of your phone ringing on the nightstand next to your bed, but you prioritized sleeping instead, knowing that you had to get better before the weekend came.

You groan once you ease yourself off of your bed, dragging your feet as you make your way to the bathroom in hopes of a warm bath to make yourself feel better.

It’s almost 5PM which means it’s almost time for Seungcheol to finally go home. He checks his phone one more time before he pockets the device, putting away the last few pairs of rollerskates before he starts making his way towards the backroom.

“Hey! ‘Cheol-hyung, can you come over here!?” Jeongguk yells over the music, arms waving him down frantically before he clocks out.

Seungcheol walks over, noting an unknown male standing with him. “Yes? Did you need help?”

“This guy, sorry I forgot your name?” The male laughs, eyes forming crescents when he smiles brightly at Jeongguk. “It’s Seokmin.”

“Right, right. Seokmin is asking if we’re hiring?” Jeongguk ends with a head tilt, unsure of the answer himself.

Seungcheol bites the inside of his cheek. Technically yes, they were understaffed even with Namjoon around. But Namjoon was also technically the one in charge of overseeing hiring positions. And while they technically should’ve hired more staff, that also meant Seungcheol’s overtime bonuses would be cut anytime they actually had the appropriate amount of staff.

“Uhhhh… I--I don’t think so? I’m not the one in charge. Our manager that decides staff and hiring positions is out of town indefinitely so…” Seungcheol trails off, hoping Seokmin gets the hint.

“Ahh… Should I come back another time then?” Seungcheol nods, frowning slightly. “Sorry ‘bout that man. But hey, why don’t you leave your contact info so we can call you? So you don’t have to keep coming back.”

Seokmin nods, beaming at the older male.

“Sure, that’d be great! Thanks!”

Seungcheol only feels slightly bad when he gets home that night, praying karma doesn’t kick his ass later for lying.

On days when you cancel your show are the days Seungcheol realizes he needs more hobbies than watching your cam shows and gaming all night.

Not that it’s a bad thing, he thinks, just that he could supplement his life with more.

He places an order for a few cookbooks alongside the order for the sybian, soft chuckles spilling from his lips when he realizes what an odd array of things he’s ordered.

Seungcheol manages to fill his night with meaningless tasks; finally cleaning his PC and settling in to watch a movie while he polishes off an entire pizza. He checks his phone a few more times, noting no new messages and he wonders if you’re really okay. A lightbulb goes off in his head, power walking back to his PC as he opens a new browser.

He bites his lip, typing in ‘j__min’ in the search bar to see what comes up. By nature, the username is unfortunately a lot more common than he anticipates and he ends up rifling through a lot of dead ends before he comes upon the profile on the same camming website you used and an instagram that seemed to be updated fairly regularly.

“Let’s see…”

Your body feels hot all over. Pin pricks on your fingertips as a bead of sweat trickles down your temple.

Now, you didn’t feel sick, you just felt incredibly insatiable. Again.

You weren’t sure if it was because your body had adjusted to a certain schedule, but you can’t help the way you toss and turn in bed; thighs rubbing together in hopes of alleviating the growing wetness between them.

Checking the clock, you note it’s already 10PM, close to when you’d normally be doing your show. You sigh, pushing your sweaty hair out of your face as you reach for your phone on the nightstand. You immediately notice a few text messages from Seungcheol; frowning when you notice the text messages were from the morning.

cheollie ✨: hey, baby :( saw your note, i hope you’re okay.

cheollie ✨: make sure to drink a lot of water and take medicine!

cheollie ✨: don’t push yourself too hard either okay?

The messages end there and you pout, unsure what to even say now that it had been hours since he’d texted.

babygirl 🍒 : cheollie… i only saw ur msgs now 🥺

babygirl 🍒 : im sorryyyyy i was sleeping so long but i feel better now!!

Seungcheol closes all his browser tabs before he realizes it, a smile on his face when he sees you’ve responded.

‘That’s okay, I’m just glad you’re okay and feeling better. Promise me you drank tons of water?’

He feels giddy, palms sweaty as he grips his phone.

babygirl: mmhmm! i did… i don’t even feel sick anymore 🥺 but…

babygirl: dunno… i’m feeling needy again… i think my body is used to my usual schedule...

Seungcheol’s body thrums with newfound energy and arousal at your leading comments. He’s unsure of what to say next, fearing he was going to say too much. But his phone pings again, eyes quickly flitting over your messages.

babygirl 🍒 : if ur busy its okay but

babygirl 🍒 : do u think we could cam? just u and me?

babygirl 🍒 : only if ur free tho!!

His fingers are tingling when he sends his reply, making it short and sweet before he places his phone down and makes sure his PC is running smoothly.

‘Of course, you know I’m always here when you need me. :)’

It takes a few minutes for you and Seungcheol to set up your respective spaces and in the meantime, you grab your laptop, propping it open on the bed next to you as you lay in front of it. You had debated on using your better camera which you used for camming, but you didn’t want it to be set up like a cam show.

Instead, you wanted a more intimate and casual video call with Seungcheol, so you made sure your webcam worked fine as you placed it on the sheets.

‘Video Call Incoming…’

You can’t help the blush that coats your skin nor the lust that fills your body as soon as you accept his call; his somewhat blurry figure coming into view.

“Hey, sweetheart!” Seungcheol beams at you through the grainy camera and you already feel yourself clenching around emptiness, words caught in your throat at how handsome he was and how truly enticing his voice was. “H-hi!” Rubbing your thighs together, you peer at the camera shyly. “I--wow, the pictures really… You’re so much more handsome on v-video.” You giggle slightly, leaning in closer to your laptop to get a better view of the silvery-blue haired male.

Seungcheol’s deep laugh filters through the speakers and your toes curl against the sheets.

“You should see me in person, maybe I’ll look even better then.”

You don’t deny that one bit; your own hands already itching to touch yourself. “Oh? Is that an invitation~?”

Seungcheol’s eyes pierce the camera, licking his own lips as you watch him snake a hand down into his sweats.

“If you want it to be, sweetheart. But tell me about you, how are you feeling? Have you eaten already?”

Gulping, you watch as his hand seems to work slowly and out of view. “I--um, I feel b-better just… Dunno, guess my body’s just used to, um, y’know… A-and I haven’t really had much of an appetite...” You trail off, head still fuzzy from the cold medicines and now, Seungcheol.

In a roundabout way, it almost feels like you’re watching him do a show for you as you watch him slowly get off.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, baby. But you know you should try to eat, okay? I don’t want you to get even sicker.” You nod, fingertips already at the edge of your sleep shorts.

“I--c-can I touch myself too?” Seungcheol laughs lightly, nodding as he tilts his head back. “Of course, you don’t need to ask me for permission, baby.”

You grin at him, sitting up as you reposition the laptop. Your hand slides underneath a pillow, grabbing the small bullet vibrator you kept there. “Do you always keep a toy handy?” His voice is airy, teasing in the way he asks.

“Mmhmm~ You never know when you’ll need it~” You sing-song, shimmying your sleep shorts and panties off before you spread your legs in front of the camera.

The air gets knocked out of Seungcheol the second you spread your legs for him and him alone and he can’t help but imagine all the things he wanted to do with you. He watches as you tease yourself, fingertips only grazing across the areas he knew you wanted to be touched the most.

“I can’t wait for us to finally fuckin’ meet.” He grits out.

A moan floats through the speakers of Seungcheol’s gaming PC, your saccharine voice music to his ears. “M-me too, wanna know what you’d do to me~” You giggle afterwards, pressing the vibrator to your clit as you spread your legs wider for him to see. Seungcheol’s hand around his cock tightens as he watches, an appreciative smirk on his face.

“Oh sweetheart, what wouldn’t I do to you.” You can’t help but slide your fingers through your wet folds listening to Seungcheol’s voice, whimpering when you finally slide a finger in. “Yeah? What would be the first thing? Tell me, ‘Cheollie~”

Even through the webcam quality, you can see the way Seungcheol’s eyes glaze over in complete pleasure. He licks his lips once, leaning in close so that you can hear him clearly.

“I know you probably think I’d get straight to the filthy shit, huh? Pin you to your bed and fuck you until you forget your own name or tie you up to the bedposts and make you beg for me to fuck you. But I wouldn’t. Because I wanna worship your fuckin’ body. I’d take it nice and slow with you, give you as many orgasms as you want.”

“F-fuck, Seungcheol, I–”

“You could use me for your pleasure, y’know? You deserve it. You’re such a good girl. I’d give you anything you fuckin’ want if you’d let me.”

Your choked moans have Seungcheol working his cock faster; nothing on his mind except for you and his impending orgasm. “Oh g-god, Seungcheol, I--fuck, yes, I want that~ I want you to--to make me cum as many times as I w-want!” You mewl, easily working in another finger as you pump the digits inside your pussy.

He smirks when he sees your grip on the vibrator loosening, knowing that you were already too lost in the pleasure to keep the toy on. “And I’d let you. Maybe I’d make you cum on my tongue first. Or would you want my fingers?”

“B-both! Puh--please…” You whine, legs threatening to clamp shut. You curl and scissor your fingers, thrusting them knuckle deep inside yourself as you chase the pleasure that overtakes your senses. “Please, ‘Cheol, tell me more~”

You watch through the camera as Seungcheol pushes his sweats down enough to get his cock into view; mouth watering as you watch it curve up to his lower abdomen.

“I know how much you love being doted on and being taken care of… So after I make you cum all fuckin’ night, you know I’d take care of you. Make sure you’re comfortable and cuddle with you when you’re tired.” His hips cant up into his closed palm, a soft groan on his lips. “And then when we wake up, I’ll eat you out. Nice and slow so you know it’d be worth it.”

Seungcheol smirks, smearing the precum all over his shaft. “But I also know you like it rough and you like being punished like a bad girl. You like the idea of being tied up and teased and being fucked nice and hard too. I could take it nice and slow, build up the pleasure for you. Or I can take it nice and slow and tease you, I’d make you sit on my cock ‘n make you wait for it ‘til you’re begging me. Or maybe you would want an audience? Let them see you fall apart on my cock when you’re desperate to cum.”

You press the vibrator against your clit again, Seungcheol’s name falling out of your mouth in a blubbering mess. “Oh--I--!!”

Your legs clamp shut, fingers halting their movements as you cum hard around your fingers. Seungcheol watches as your legs shake, his own hand running up and down his cock in quick motions as he chases his high too. You vaguely hear him groaning your name; the ringing in your ears overbearing as your orgasm continues to wash over you.

The sound of your quick and shallow breaths mix with Seungcheol’s over the speakers as the two of you catch your breath. You slip your fingers from inside of you, wincing when you turn off the toy and toss it to the side.

“Fuck, baby, I--”

“Y-yeah…” You quietly lick your fingers clean, knowing that Seungcheol’s watching. “I… that was the first time I… did that with s-someone…” You giggle tiredly, wiping the rest of your sticky fingers on your shirt.

“Really? Never?” Seungcheol’s surprised expression makes you giggle; his eyes round and mouth wide open as he leans closer to his webcam.

“Mmhmm! Just, y’know, it’s--it’s hard to get close to people sometimes…”

You had mentioned it off-handedly once while the two of you had been texting, that most of the dates you’d been on hated the fact that you cammed. There was always a possessive aura that was present and while Seungcheol would sometimes get a little jealous himself, he also knew it was your livelihood and how you supported yourself.

“Ah, yeah, I can understand.”

The two of you sit in a content silence, Seungcheol reaching for a few tissues to clean off the drying cum on his abdomen.

“Hey, ‘Cheol?”

“Yeah?” He peers up at the camera through his lashes, blinking rapidly as he watches you lay back down in front of your laptop.

“About what you said… earlier…” You pause, shyness overtaking once again. “I--Would you want to meet up? Like, for real? I mean--not--not like tomorrow or something but... Y’know, we can start planning?”

Any words that come after that turn into radio static in Seungcheol’s head and he can feel his pupils shaking, nervousness already bubbling up inside of him at the prospect of actually finally maybe getting to meet you.

“Seungcheol? ‘Cheollie? You okay?”

Fuck.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah! I’m cool, I’m good, sorry, that--that caught me off guard.”

He watches as you talk animatedly, mind already going a mile a minute as he thinks over everything that needed to be done before then.

“I’m really excited to meet you, ‘Cheollie!”

#cherrybomb!cheol #seungcheol smut #scoups smut #seventeen smut #svt smut #svt scenarios #svt imagines #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #scoups imagines #seungcheol imagines #scoups scenarios #seungcheol scenarios #scoups #seungcheol

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panharmonium · 4 years

Text

beyond the white mountains

Since I’m on an Ealdor kick right now (not that I’m ever not, I mean, but working on that edit the other day and thinking about Merlin running away with Freya just started me feeling things with renewed intensity), here is some talk about my favorite location, for my own satisfaction.

(My deep and abiding interest in Merlin’s home is a pretty niche passion and probably not something that is particularly interesting to others, which means I haven’t ever really typed up any serious musings about it before, but at this point, I think anybody who hangs around my blog knows that my brain is at least 50% unfettered love for Merlin’s pre-Camelot life, so I’m just gonna go ahead and indulge myself here.)

Something that has always been a pet peeve of mine is the fact the map we’re all familiar with as supplemental material is wrong.

I know it comes from the BBC. It is STILL WRONG.

I’m sure most everyone is already aware of this fact, just by virtue of looking at some of the other locations and thinking, “uhhh that really doesn’t make sense” (for instance, in the show, the Isle of the Blessed is canonically stated to be in Odin’s kingdom, whereas on this map it’s in Camelot) - but my particular area of interest, due to past writing escapades, is Ealdor and Cenred’s kingdom, so just to set the record straight on those locations specifically - this is what our supplemental map tries to tell us:

And this just isn’t right. Canonically, Ealdor is NOT to the east of Camelot. Cenred’s kingdom is NOT on Camelot’s eastern border. And the White Mountains are NOT all the way over there!!!

Here are the Real Facts™, courtesy of the show:

1. Ealdor is NORTH of Camelot.

“So where are you headed?” (Tristan, asking where Merlin and Arthur are going, as they’re on their way to Ealdor.) “North, over the border.”

“We're heading north to a safe haven. To Ealdor.”

2. The White Mountains lie BETWEEN Ealdor and Camelot, not way out in West Nowheresville.

“I know a place. Ealdor. It's beyond the White Mountains.”

“Ealdor lies at the far side of that valley....Agravaine couldn’t have tracked us through the mountains.”

You can even see the mountain range in the show. Ealdor is visibly situated in the valleys created by the foothills of The White Mountains. Merlin has to hike THROUGH the White Mountains to get from Ealdor to Camelot:

And then this is the view on the way from Camelot to Ealdor:

And this is literally what Merlin sees every time he looks out his back door. (This shot is from Hunith’s POV, when she’s standing on the village green watching the fab four head back to Camelot.)

The map can say what it wants, but the White Mountains are NOT all the way over in the western reaches of Camelot, and Ealdor is not out to the east. The mountains are NORTH of Camelot, forming a border between Uther and Cenred’s kingdoms, and Merlin’s home is nestled in their foothills. When Merlin is out haymaking every June in the meadow pictured above, he’s doing it in the shadow of those very mountains.

[This fits, too, with Hunith’s comment to Uther that “winters are harsh in Ealdor.” The climate in various mountainous regions can differ tremendously, obviously, but if Ealdor is on the windward side of the range, it would receive a lot more precipitation (more snow!) than Camelot on the leeward side. And then there’s mountain/gap winds to consider, altitude, etc - all things that could contribute to Ealdor experiencing slightly different winters than Camelot.]

It matters, too, when we think about the scene Merlin has with Freya in 2.09, when they’re talking about their respective homes - when Freya tells him her home was "surrounded by the tallest mountains” - when she talks about the winter storms, and the wind, and the summer wildflowers; when she says it was like heaven - that resonates with Merlin. Freya doesn’t necessarily realize it, because Merlin has been more reticent than her about describing his home, but a lot of what she’s describing is familiar to him. It speaks to him. It paints a picture of something he misses, in a complicated way; it’s something he sees as beautiful. “It sounds perfect,” he says to her. And he means it.

There are a number of reasons why Merlin decides to run off with Freya in 2.09, and this is hardly the most important one. But it does matter, and I personally think taking Merlin’s tangled, frequently-suppressed homesickness into account when we try to understand who he is and why he does the things that he does is relevant, always, even if that particular side of him usually goes undiscussed.

We know some other things about the geography surrounding Ealdor, too, though those features aren’t so egregiously mislabeled on the map.

We know that there is a forest somewhere along the border that extends into Cenred’s kingdom (it’s labeled on the map, it’s just not big enough):

“We're going to Cenred's Kingdom, aren't we?” “What makes you say that?” “Er, because we're in the Forest of Ascetir and we're not stopping?”

(honestly, lol @ Arthur asking Merlin “what makes you say that”.....Merlin’s like “uhhhh i was born here??? i know where tf we are”)

We also know that there’s a “Ridge of Ascetir,” per Uther (I assume it’s associated with the White Mountains, but we can’t know that for sure):

“Ealdor lies beyond the Ridge of Ascetir. For an army of Camelot to enter it would be an act of war.”

^ The above two elements bring up a point that I haven’t actually ever seen discussed anywhere else, and I assume it’s just because I wasn’t involved in fandom back when the show was actually airing - but, for clarity’s sake: there is NO canon indication of what Cenred’s kingdom is actually called. I’ve seen the term “Essetir” used in some places on AO3, but that’s not something that actually comes from the canon, and I assume it’s just a fanon misspelling that emerged out of people mishearing the word “Ascetir” (or “Aesctir,” as 1.10′s subtitles put it) when characters were talking about the forest or the ridge. The only places that canonically bear that name are the Forest of Ascetir and the Ridge of Ascetir, both of which are partially located in Camelot - there is no indication that Merlin’s home country is actually called Ascetir, and in fact the kingdom is only ever referred to as “Cenred’s kingdom” (or Lot’s kingdom, after Cenred is dead).

In terms of the rest of the area’s geographical features: we already know about the mountains (discussed above), and some sort of cave system (”I thought you said you grew up in these tunnels”) which exits (in one place, at least) out onto the side of a mountain, beyond which are plains (in Arthur’s words, when he suggests moving further into Lot’s kingdom) and then in the other direction there’s the Forest of Ascetir. We know that there is a river associated with Ealdor (Morgana says “they’ve crossed the river” re: the bandits in 1.10), and we also know that Ealdor itself is bounded on one side by a steep stone ridge (the same one that Agravaine’s men line up on to surround the place):

And this ridge actually fits very well with what we see of the village itself. Ealdor has to be located in an area where stone is easily accessible, otherwise its buildings would not look the way they do. (BBC Merlin is, of course, a fantasy show, not taking place in a particular historical period, but just drawing from real history, most peasant homes in medieval England were not of stone construction, unless the village itself was located in an area where stone was plentiful and easy to access. Moving stone for construction purposes was incredibly labor-intensive and, generally, prohibitively expensive. But Ealdor is obviously located in an area where stone is readily available, and you can see indications of that in the image above.

Ultimately, is any of the above information relevant to anyone who isn’t me?

No, not really. And are there a lot of ways in which this show is often super inconsistent when it comes to geography? Yes, absolutely. (The Lake of Avalon, for instance, is ALL OVER THE PLACE.) But, surprisingly, geographical info on Ealdor/Cenred’s kingdom is actually pretty consistent throughout the canon, and the map is the odd man out - so since canon tops supplementary material for me, and since the map is so clearly wrong about other things, this is how I conceive of Ealdor whenever I think/write about it.

#hey pan just how much time did you spend parsing ealdor before you started writing last year?#.........A Lot #i am who i am folks #and who i am is someone who spends absurd amounts of time on very very niche things #the once and future slowburn #meta #beyond the white mountain

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shmegmilton · 3 years

Note

Can you explain how Aaron and Alexander stopped being friends and started fighting?

They were never really ‘friends.’ I assume you got that idea from the play, but I have no idea why the play tried to push that narrative. Civil? Sure, but that was necessary. New York was less than 50,000 people at the time, and they were both accomplished lawyers & statesmen who had to work and interact with each other on a daily basis. Politics is politics, look at how people are acting right now during our election.

As for your question, it’s a long line of policy & personal disagreements, mostly. They were on opposite sides of the aisle on pretty much everything. Lots of small things, but a lot of big, BIG things.

Burr was (ironically) kind of a pacifist; he kept mostly to himself, didn’t really speak much publicly & didn’t necessarily go out of his way to confront people unless he’s been pushed long enough (everyone ‘snaps’ at some point, y’know?)

But that’s why the ‘Burr is an evil mastermind’ myth is so pervasive today. Burr just… didn’t bother defending himself, or correcting anything, because he (mistakingly) had faith in the inherent goodness of people that someday people would see him for his true character. So for that reason, we don’t really have a good timeline from Burr’s perspective as to how he felt about Hamilton—but BOY howdy did Hamilton never shut up about Burr.

----

Trespass & Confiscation Acts (1782ish)

During the Revolution, the British confiscated the property of patriots that fled the city. New York did the same thing, & for a while it was this game of: ‘Oh, you’re gonna take my stuff? **draws a line in the dirt** Well, everything behind this line is mine now.” It was all very bad, and after the way Tories & Loyalists faced a lot of honestly very fucked up discrimination & forfeiture of their rights. Hamilton (like most Federalists) was pro-British, so he represented a lot of these people in court. I’m sure it wasn’t purely out of the goodness of his heart--most of his clients were loaded--but the sentiment is there. On the other hand, there are multiple records of Burr buying up property around this time, most likely confiscated Tory property, which he would usually flip or give away to people that he knew, so he was taking full advantage of this. Burr also, most likely, went head-to-head with Hamilton on a few of these cases, because Burr tended to work with the ‘common folk.’

French Revolution (1789ish to 1799ish) & Proclamation of Neutrality (1793)

Burr (like most Democratic-Republicans) was pro-French, so much so that he took in French refugees fleeing the Revolution into his home. He was very sympathetic to the cause.Hamilton was not. He basically saw it the same way that right-wing Conservatives see the Black Lives Matter movement is the best way I can explain it. He also hated it for the amount of immigrants that were now fleeing to the U.S.

Burr Gets Chosen For NY Senate (1791)

Key word: chosen. As in, he didn’t actually run. That wasn’t how politics worked back then. The Hamilton musical just fucking lied outright about that, let’s be clear. He also never switched parties. Ever. Back then you were nominated by the people who were already in government--usually by one of the powerful families like the Clintons or the Livingstons, or yada yada. So Burr didn’t actually do anything. He didn’t even really want the position either, if I recall. But back then if you were ‘called to serve,’ you were obligated to do it. Hamilton was furious either way because it meant that Burr was replacing his father-in-law, Phillip Schuyler, meaning that he wouldn’t have that extra ear in government that he wanted. Burr also had a lot of views that were considered ‘extreme’ at the time, like getting extra rights for women, immigrants & black people, but I have no idea what Hamilton thought of those individual policies other than he just didn’t like women, immigrants or black people.

1792 & 1796 Presidential Election

Burr wasn’t really that serious about either of these elections, I don’t think (in ’92 he wasn’t that well-known & barely got any support, but it’s worth noting the fact he was nominated to run at all was really impressive. He’s tied with William Jennings Bryan as being one of the youngest people to ever receive an electoral vote, at 36 years old.) In ’96 he faired a little better—he got 30 votes, which is nearly half of what you need to get the ticket nomination, also very impressive.Hamilton was super staunchly opposed to both of these runs, though, and did his typical Hamilton thing of openly campaigning about how the people shouldn’t vote for Burr, yada yada.

Jay Treaty (1794)

I highly suggest looking up supplemental information on this because it’s a bit complicated, but it was basically a treaty between us and Great Britain to reaffirm that we were going to continue to not mess with France, as well as a couple of other weird hang-ups. It was not popular, at all, especially with the Demo-Republicans. There is a specific instance (that is actually kind of insane) where Hamilton gave a public speech in defense of it, and the Democratic-Republicans in the crowd started pelting him & the other Federalists with rocks. Hamilton got SO mad that immediately challenged a man to a duel, and threatened to fight each of the Democratic-Republicans one-by-one.

Reynolds Affair (1797)

Burr had a personal relationship with Maria Reynolds; he was her divorce attorney in 1793/1794, helped her out financially, & successfully petitioned (+paid for) her daughter Susan to attend a boarding school. I believe they also stayed in his him with him during the divorce proceedings, but don’t quote me on that. He never said anything publicly that I could find, but Burr probably had a personal investment in the Reynolds Pamphlet, since it painted Maria in a really damaging light.

Alien & Sedition Acts (1798)

These were some of the most worst laws ever passed in the history of the country. Like, these were AWFUL. It not only limited immigration, but it limited the freedom of the press and freedom of speech (ESPECIALLY immigrants, my god.)

Burr was right on the front lines helping defend people in court, he actively opposed it & is probably the thing that propelled him into Jefferson’s orbit as a potential Vice President.

John Barker Church Duel (1797)

John Barker Church had accused Burr of taking bribes (which was unfounded & untrue) and they ended up dueling. JBC was the husband of Angelica Schuyler, Hamilton’s sister-in-law.

Neither was injured (though, JBC apparently put a hole in Burr’s coat), but it supposed infuriated Hamilton & his associates so much that they would send out fake letters “from Burr” challenging people to duels.

The Manhattan Company (1799)

Burr was getting sick of the difficulty he was having getting loans from the Federalist-run banks and decided to do something about it. There had been several seasonal epidemics of yellow fever—caused by mosquitos but, at the time, it was thought to be caused by improperly treated water, miasma (‘bad air’) or (if you asked Hamilton) stinky evil immigrant refuges who were fleeing France and Haiti. Burr saw this and spearheaded a campaign to get a proper water treatment plant, even getting Hamilton to help him. Through some really weird loophole that I don’t quite understand, Burr was somehow allowed to use the ‘surplus capital’ for banking, which essentially turned it into a bank. The actual water treatment portion of the company was plagued with problems due to improper management and things like that. We’ll never know his exact thought process on this (people normally assume it was malicious trickery because people are biased to hate Burr anyway) & I highly doubt that Burr knew the extent of the issues (he was on the Board of Directors, but so were a dozen others--INCLUDING John Barker Church) so I don’t entirely think it’s his fault, but the fact of the matter is that it most likely exacerbated the existing problems & indirectly led to more people getting sick/dying until they finally fixed the problems.I would say that it’s completely justifiable for Hamilton to be mad at Burr, but, as we established, Hamilton hated both poor people & immigrants (two groups most likely affected by this) so he wasn’t actually mad at him for the reason a… y’know, a normal person would be mad at him. He was mad at him because Burr destroyed the monopoly that Federalists had on banks, making it easier for Democratic-Republicans & others to get loans. He was literally mad at him for making the economy fair.

1800 Election & 1804 NY Governor Election

These two are self-explanatory, I think, and I’ve already been writing way too long, lol. My hand hurts.

#Aaron Burr #Alexander Hamilton #Hamilton #AmRev #History #American Revolution #Long Post #Anecdotes #THIS TOOK SO LOOOOONG

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escapewriter · 3 years

Text

Hey There Delilah

pairing : seungkwan x reader

synopsis : if only you got his address right, maybe he wouldn’t have been that salty.

genre : fluff, humor, slight angst

word count : 3.3k

warnings : none

posted : 01/16/21

a/n : IM SO SORRY THAT I HAVENT UPDATED THIS FOR A MONTH. BUT I GOT INSPO BECAUSE HIS BIRTHDAY WAS COMING UP SO HAPPY SEUNGKWAN DAY!!!!

TAGLIST : @vibecheckvernon @beomiebear5 @lightoflife @skylions-den @noniesgirl

won’t let me tag : @pandora1834

send me an ask/dm if you would like to be on the taglist

pieces of love masterlist // playlist // main masterlist

“Do you have to leave so soon?” Seunkwan pouted as he held your hand and rolled your luggage in the other. “I mean, you have time to stay a little longer.” He looked down at your intertwined fingers, slightly swinging it.

“You’re telling me this now? If you told me earlier, I could have gone later but I already got my ticket and we’re literally standing in the middle of the airport.” His mouth fell open as you giggled, releasing his hand to cup his face in your palms. “Don’t worry, Kwan, I’ll be back before you know it. And remember our deal, okay? Only letters.”

He sighed but repeated your words in a defeated tone, “Only letters.”

“Man, fuck these letters.” Seungkwan groaned in annoyance as he crumpled the 5th piece of paper into a ball and threw it into the trash bin. Jun looked up from his phone where he was seated on the couch, a concerned, yet amused, look in his eyes.

“What’s wrong? Can’t spell their name right?” Laughing at his own joke, he didn’t notice his friend swiftly turn in his chair to glare at him, shutting him up with a cough. He cleared his throat and nervously sat up straight, “Seriously, what’s wrong? Don’t know how to spell something or what?”

“No that's not the problem, and even if it was, I wouldn’t be asking you how to spell something.” Seungkwan turned back to his desk, resting his head on the wooden table. “I haven’t gotten a letter in a month. Do you think something’s wrong?” Jun hummed again, listening as he scrolled mindlessly on his phone.

“I don’t think you did anything wrong, they’re probably just busy. I mean, New York is a busy place and they gotta pay attention to some things, I guess.” Seungkwan turned around again, looking at the coffee table Jun had his feet propped up on.

“I don’t think I did anything wrong. I’m saying, maybe something is wrong.”

Jun looked up, eyes staring at Seungkwan’s furrowed eyebrows, “Wouldn’t their family tell you though? I honestly don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Just write the letter and ask them what’s wrong and if they don’t reply, then... there's your answer.”

“Aren’t you such great help.”

Seungkwan slammed the pen on the desk, finally finished writing the letter to you. He doesn’t really know why you stopped sending letters; it was usually a one to two week delay. Nevermind that, Seungkwan is sure that after you get this letter, you will definitely reply to him.

“Jun, can you read this for me? See if it sounds good?” He turned to the male who was eating on the small table, holding out the letter for him to take. Reaching over, Jun retrieved the letter from Seungkwan’s grasp, scanning the neat handwriting before reading:

Hey there,

How are you? Are the people treating you nice there?I sure hope they are because you’re too kind for this world. What’s it like living there so far? I’m sorry for all these questions, I’m just curious because ya know, it's New York City!

So… it’s been a while since I’ve gotten a letter from you, but maybe you’ve been busy. I mean, this internship, it’s a big deal so I wouldn’t want you to worry about sending letters all the time. Plus it probably keeps you occupied so don’t worry about anything, I’m just glad you’re happy doing what you love.

Anyway, uh, I heard back from Vernon. He said that he can show you around since he’s in town visiting with his mom. I don’t know if you’ll get this in time, but maybe he’ll contact you about it!

I really miss you. I know it was such terrible timing for me to have confessed. Just two weeks before you had to leave. Ah I wish I could’ve done it sooner. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. Don’t overwork yourself and stay safe, okay?

Remember, time square could never shine as bright as you. I know it’s cheesy but I’ll always say it because that was my best pick up line ever. Okay, now get back to work! I’ll see you soon! I’m counting down the days!

From, Seungkwan

Jun put down his arm that was holding the letter and looked at Seungkwan who was munching away the food on his plate, “‘Time square could never shine as bright as you?’ MAN, and I thought Mingyu was the cheesy one in our group.”

Glaring at the elder, he snatched the letter from his hand, muttering something under his breath. “It’s from a song. An inside joke you wouldn’t understand.”

Jun took a sip of his soda, sighing as he set the can on a coaster, “Well, whatever it is, cross your fingers in hopes that they mail you back,” He stood up, wiping his hands on his jeans, “I’ll take my leave, gotta go cleanse my apartment.”

Seungkwan nodded, looking at the letter in his hands. Of all the things, it had to be letters.

“Seungkwan, get up.” He mumbled in his sleep, trying to shoo away the intruder that was waking him up. “Seungkwan, have you gotten mail from them yet?” He groaned again, not aware of his surroundings as he rolled over, arm hitting a hard surface beside him. “Man, you really are a pain. Anyway, I have a letter for you.” Seungkwan shot up, squinting at Jun who towered over him in his bed.

“You have a what for me? I’ve been waiting for almost three weeks for one, did one finally come in?” Jun’s eyes widened, not realizing sooner that he didn’t receive a letter from you.

“Oh, uh, you see, um, I was just… kidding.” Seungkwan narrowed his eyes before making a frown and crashing back head first into his pillows. “Seungkwan, come on man. The letter probably got lost in the mail or something. You never know.”

Sitting up, he stared at what’s ahead of him; a bookshelf. The shelf had various books, photo albums, picture frames, etc. Mainly, it had a picture of the two of you hanging out the day he finally confessed — just two weeks before you had to leave. He doesn’t remember that night, though he wished he did after staring at the photo for so long now.

“Seungkwan! What are you looking at?” Jun leaned over, trying to take a glance at what his friend was eyeing, though it appears it is something that won’t make him feel any better. “Okay, enough is enough. You helped me during my break up, so I’m gonna help you through this letter drought, okay? Okay. Now, up you go!” Jun lifted the man from his bed, dragging him to the middle of his bedroom before plopping him down on the rug. “You're not gonna help me out Seungkwan? Come on, please.”

“What if they met someone,” Jun thought for a moment, hoping what Seungkwan said didn’t turn out to be true. He had to stay positive and make sure his friend does too.

“Hey, don’t think like that, okay? Now get up and wash up, we’re going to get food.” Seungkwan sighed, finally deciding to listen to his friend.

“Jun, I know you meant to go out to get food, but I didn’t think that I would pay for it AND we eat it at my place.”

“It’s the thought that counts, and thank you for paying. The food? Muah.”

Seungkwan rolled his eyes and put a piece of meat into his mouth, staring at the desk that was against the wall. He eyed the papers, pens, and pencils; a wave of sadness crashing over him. He couldn’t help but think that you actually had moved on. All the doubts he had in the beginning when you left resurfaced as he thought that maybe you just used him for those last two weeks you had spent with him. But why would you do something like that? It didn’t make any sense, but maybe Seungkwan doesn’t really know you.

“Hey, Seungkwan what’s the date today?”

“Not sure, why?”

Jun hummed, noticing that Seungkwan hasn’t been keeping track of the days recently, so he decided to keep this valuable information to himself, “No reason, just wasn’t sure.”

Seungkwan sat at his desk, thinking about how he should start the next letter to write. He used to write every week to you, but now he hasn’t written to you for over a month. He swirled the pen in his hand, attempting to gather words to form a sentence in his head. Finally, that imaginary lightbulb lit up, his eyes sparkling with ideas.

Hey there,

How’s New York City treating you? Have you taken care of yourself? Eating all your supplements?

Scratching his head, he scribbled on the paper and decided to use this as a rough draft and to rewrite it later.

How’s New York City treating you? Have you taken care of yourself? Eating all your supplements?

I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope you’re safe over there. It’s getting more and more difficult for me to go so long without seeing you and hearing your voice. I miss you.

He thought maybe it was too cheesy, or maybe he was so in love he couldn’t control it. Nope it was too cheesy.

I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope you’re safe over there. It’s getting more and more difficult for me to go so long without seeing you and hearing your voice. I miss you.

Taking a small sip of his coffee, Seungkwan closed his eyes, thinking about the situation he was in. He used to be so good at saying all the right words in his letters but now he couldn’t even find anything to say. He doesn’t even know if you're reading them or not. That hurt his pride a bit because of how much time and dedication he spent to write and think these out to send to you, only to not get a letter in almost two months. That’s the crazy thing about love; one would do anything for the person they love.

Snapping his eyes open, he checked the time only to find that it was no use because the clock was broken. The ticking of it irritated him and it always felt like it was getting slower and slower.

Focusing on the paper in front of him, he decided that if you weren’t going to send any letter, then he wasn’t going to either. It sounded like a great idea, but it was also bad at the same time. He didn’t know why, but he chose to ignore the bad part.

Jun could sense that Seungkwan was feeling a bit better than usual, but that's what freaked him out the most. Seungkwan hasn’t been this active ever since he got his first letter from you, so he guesses that his friend received a letter. Jun wanted to ask, but the fear of the thought not being true made him hesitate and not ask at all. He didn’t want to see his friend in despair again. After all, you are coming home in a few hours.

Seungkwan hasn’t felt like he has right now since a few months ago. It could be the weather, the feeling of the air, the food, anything. He just knows that today is a good day.

“Jun, what are we gonna do today? I’m feeling great so we should go out.” Jun pursed his lips as Seungkwan looked at his friend, waiting for an answer. Jun looked up in thought, but his mind just wandered back to his bed or the couch because he was feeling a lazy day.

“I don’t know, I’m not really in the mood to… go out.”

“Why? Are you feeling okay?” Seungkwan raised his hand to touch Jun’s forehead, only for Jun to smack it away.

“I feel fine, I’m just a bit lazy is all.” Jun thought to himself, thinking about how you’d for sure want to see Seungkwan and to talk to him about everything. Well, that's what he thinks and hopes. “Can we stay here for a bit and then head out?”

Plopping down next to him, Seungkwan turned on the TV, clicking through the channels before keeping it on one show. “Let me know when you want to leave.”

Seungkwan soon fell asleep on the couch, laying on his right side. Jun looked at him and then to the clock. He set a reminder on his phone before you left on when you would come back and what time.

It was currently 3:10pm and on his phone, it says you arrived at 1 o’clock in the afternoon. The airport is quite away and you probably are feeling tired after the plane ride, but Jun can’t help to look back every time he hears a car go by, hoping that it’s you to see Seungkwan.

He sighed, glancing at his sleeping friend before getting up and placing a blanket over him. He’s had it rough for the past couple of months, the thoughts of his brain eating him alive. Oh how he knew the feeling all too well.

Hearing a car door shut, Jun peeked outside, seeing you approach the house. Quickly and quietly, he opened the front door and closed it, meeting you halfway.

When you saw him, you immediately smiled, “Jun!” He raised his hand up to his lips, shushing you.

He began to whisper, “Where the hell have you been?” You eyed him weirdly, but shrugging as it was only Jun in front of you. “Do you know how much pain Seungkwan was in? He’s been waiting so long for you to reply.”

You were confused, “What do you mean? I was the one waiting for him to reply back to me. I came here to see what was wrong.” Jun sighed before signaling you to Seungkwan’s home.

“You go in. He’s asleep on the couch and will probably wake up hungry.” He gave you a soft pat on the head, “Glad to have you back, now I’m gonna go. Also, he’ll probably get mad, so don’t mention me.” You giggled before giving him a small hug.

“Thanks Jun.”

Seungkwan groaned, sitting up as he looked around the room, trying to spot Jun. Finding him nowhere, he sighed thinking about how he never went out. Turning to put his feet down, he lifted his arms to stretch, a yawn escaping past his lips. Mid yawn, he sees you at the doorway from the kitchen with a tray. He blinked a few times, not sure if you were really there or if it was just Jun. He rubbed his eyes as you came closer and set the tray onto the coffee table.

“About time you woke up, I’ve been here for an hour.” Seungkwan said nothing, his mind still thinking that this was all just a hallucination. He glazed over at the clock on the desk and saw that it was almost 4:30pm.

He heard you clear your throat, his mind now processing that you were indeed actually there with him in the same room. You began to walk around the small table, “I made your favorite soup,” Sitting down next to him, you looked into his wide eyes, “Why are you so surprised? I should be the surprised one here.”

Blinking a few times, he finally said your name. Lifting up his hand, he caressed your cheek lovingly as you smiled bitterly. But then he remembered how you never responded to him, and how you had the audacity to come into his home as if nothing was wrong.

He narrowed his eyes, taking his hand away from your face before standing up abruptly, “Why didn’t you mail me back?” Your eyebrows shot up and so did your legs, but wanting to one up him, you stood on the couch.

“I could ask you the same thing, Seungkwan! I haven’t received a single letter from you.” A shocked look flashed over his features as he looked up at you.

“What do you mean ‘haven’t received’ a single letter? I sent a few asking you why you didn’t respond. But what did I get? N. O. T. H. I. N. G.” You glared at him, not believing the words you were hearing. You sent so many letters with no information as to why he didn’t respond back to you.

“Really Seungkwan? You want to play victim?”

“Victim? I am the victim!” You scoffed, getting off the couch and walked around the table to put some distance between the two of you. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You’re accusing me of not responding when I did.” You rubbed your temples, pacing in front of him as you took small glances at his messy desk filled with crumpled papers. You walked over, picking up a ball and unfolded it, reading what he wrote before tossing it aside.

“I told you I wrote. And I did stop, I admit, but that was only because you never responded. I did write to you.” You looked at him, trying to think about what went wrong before an idea popped in your head.

“Seungkwan, what was the last letter you got from me?” He looked around his desk, scanning the messy area before pointing to the only neat pile. You picked up the letters, reading each date and word on the envelopes. However, you immediately knew what the mistake was.

You sighed and closed your eyes, biting your lower lip in frustration. Turning to Seungkwan who was sitting on the couch and eating the food you prepared, you debated if you wanted to hurt your pride by telling him what you did wrong.

He looked at where you were standing with the letters in your hands, as clear sadness in his eyes. You thought about the pain you may have caused him because of one stupid mistake. If only you got the address right.

“Okay Seungkwan, I know what happened, but hear me out.” His eyes narrowed, but he motioned you to continue, “So, when we write letters to each other, we put our address on it, right?” Nodding his head, he took a sip of the warm soup, “Well, the people I was working with moved me to a different department which relocated me to a different city which was far from my apartment.”

You watched his eyes, seeing the expression that tells you he knew nothing about it, “Yeah, you knew nothing because in the letter that I wrote to you, I put the wrong address. I put a 5 instead of a 6.” You looked down, too ashamed to face him and his hard eyes. Seungkwan was surprised, he didn’t know how to process the information, so all he did was laugh.

“I can’t believe how stupid you are.” You let out a soft laugh, hiding your face in the letters. “But I have a question still,” He tried to look at your face, but couldn’t see anything except your nodding, “If we wrote our address, why didn’t you just look at my old letters?”

Placing the letters on the table, you let out a loud groan, softly stomping over to the couch and sitting right next to him. Leaning against his shoulder, you sighed, “Like you said, I can’t believe how stupid I am.”

Seungkwan laughed, moving his arm to wrap around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him. You wrapped your arms around his torso, catching his familiar scent that you missed so much.

“Seungkwan?” He hummed, loving the feeling of having you in his arms again, “I’m sorry I got your address wrong.” He smiled, rubbing your back as a soothing gesture.

“I know. But just remember I’m never letting you live this down.”

#caratwritersclub #newskynet #seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen reactions #seventeen oneshot #seungkwan #boo seungkwan #happy seungkwan day #pieces of love #escapewriter oneshot

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thejakeformerlyknownasprince · 4 years

Text

After the Bombs Fall [Animorphs ficlet]

[Note: I seem to have lost the ask where someone requested my post-war headcanon for Alloran, but anyway here it is.]

Less than a month after the end of the war, Alloran applies for transfer off of Earth and back to the homeworld. When the first request gets cancelled due to a minor typo in a sub-section of a supplemental form, he curses himself and immediately applies again.

The second application lingers in the metaphorical z-space between agents for longer, nearly two Earth months, before it gets cancelled as well. The systems are overtaxed due to the sudden influx of Earth tourism, the form letter tells him this time, and they’re very sorry for their inability to accommodate his request.

The third time he applies, the form remains “under review” on the submission portal for half a year, even though the review process normally takes less than a day. So he applies a fourth time, a terrible suspicion taking hold by now. The Electorate automatically cancels both applications, and has the gall to send him a snippy comm message asking that he refrain from filing redundant claims from now on.

The fifth application gets reviewed and cancelled; the sixth one doesn’t even get that courtesy. It just stays there, “submitted” but not yet “under review,” unwanted and ignored.

Just like its author.

Alloran considers, then. For nearly a day he paces, watching the andalite computer and the primitive human device alike, and weighs the merits of stealing Visser Three’s Blade ship out of the impound lot. It wouldn’t be hard; the security system is coded to biometrics. No one but he or Tom Berenson could fly that ship now, and Tom Berenson is dead.

After another day, Alloran instead morphs human and walks to the nearest CVS.

He has to swallow an entire jumbo bag of marshmallows and three jars of tomato sauce for comfort before he can swallow his pride as well. But the comfort food does its trick, and at the end he pulls out the human cell phone still registered under one of Esplin 9466′s aliases and enters the fifth speed-dial option.

“Hey, you.” Eva answers immediately. “How’s it going?”

They don’t know each other, not really. And yet in every one of their three conversations, Eva has greeted him like an old friend. Her voice brings a reaction to Alloran’s human morph: tightness in his throat, the heat of tears behind his eyes.

“I apologize for troubling you,” Alloran says stiffly. “Please, if you are busy, disregard this request.”

Eva snorts a laugh. At least, Alloran thinks that that’s what the sound is. “I’m not busy, and I owe you a favor anyway. Shoot.”

Alloran glances around the room, but there are no weapons, so he decides to disregard that last. “I am truly sorry if it slipped my mind,” he says, “but what favor do you owe?”

“My kid is not in jail on some foreign planet right now, and I hear that’s all your fault. What’s the favor?”

“The War Council would not have imprisoned the Animorphs. That is, perhaps Aximili and Prince Jake may have been imprisoned, but doubtless the full Electorate court would have proven merciful—”

“Alloran. What’s the favor.”

He’s stalling, and she knows it. “It’s a bit of a complicated political matter, and I’m afraid I am not well equipped to explain it to a human, but enforcement of our travel policies is more subject to individual agents’ personal judgment than we ideally would have it be, and...”

“Hijo de puta. They’re not letting you go home, are they?”

Alloran fills his human lungs with more air than they technically need for speech. “It’s a complicated matter.” Nevertheless, his voice comes out small.

“You still camping at the Sharing Community Center?”

“Yes.” His voice is even smaller now.

“I’ll be there in half an hour, querido.” She hangs up.

While he waits, he goes outside to run, to graze, to stare up at the stars.

He didn’t lie; it is complicated. The Andalite Electorate is struggling to recover from a decades-long war, one that threatened the existence of their very soul as a people. Seerow’s mistakes — and Alloran’s own decision to publicize the failings of his prince — have ensured that the whole debacle was a massive embarrassment even before the defeat on the hork-bajir homeworld.

And then...

He’s heard the word, whispered and hissed and screamed and shouted.

Abomination.

His face is the public face of the Yeerk Empire. His voice is its voice. The morph he was just using — a bald, middle-aged human male — was constructed from the DNA of a dozen human-controllers. Everything he owns, from the black limousine parked at the curb to the press pass of a woman called Aria, was taken from the hands of murdered slaves.

Of course his people don’t want him back. Of course not. The quantum virus was one thing, but then he had the gall go to and get himself captured by the yeerks. And he’d added insult to injury when he’d challenged a captain on Aximili’s behalf.

He can see it. That’s what stings. He can stare up at the glittering point of his home star even as he runs across a field of dull foreign grass, and at this rate it’ll never be anything but a fixed point of light in an unfamiliar sky ever again.

Eva shows up then, before he can feel too sorry for himself.

She brings a human substance known as pinot noir.

**********

“And then...” Eva points a wavering finger at him. Her words have gotten blurrier over time. “And then, we just sneak it in, and bam!” She slaps the tabletop.

Alloran leans in across to her. “Bam,” he agrees.

“You needed a ride home?”

At the new voice, Alloran stands up sharply. Too sharply. He gets his two flimsy little legs tangled in the chair and almost pitches over.

Marco catches him. “You all right?” he asks.

“I,” Alloran intones, “am intoxicated. Tox. I. Cate. Ed. Wonderful word. Intock. Sick. Kate. Dd-d-d-d-d.”

“Yeeeaah, I was getting those vibes from the—” Marco leans around him in an impressive display of human balance. “Bottle of wine apiece you two’ve apparently emptied.”

Eva draws herself up. “I did not call and request a ride home, I called and requested a ride to the Netherlands!”

“You’re right, you did.” Marco rolls his eyes. “Which is why I made the decision to show up and bring you home instead.”

“No, no, the Netherlands.” Eva steps up next to Alloran. They both regard Marco carefully. “Not to worry, we’ve thought it through. You call your friend with the private plane, Bradley or Bradford or whomever his name is. We fly out to the Hague tonight.”

“Where is this going,” Marco mutters.

“Holland,” Alloran informs him. “It is-sssss in...”

“Yeah, I’ve been.”

“Anyway.” Eva gestures sharply, bringing attention back to her. “We shall have a perfectly ordinary canister of table salt with us, and we shall request to visit with Visser Three—”

“Oh Jesus. Mom.”

“The guards will not suspect a thing, for it is just an ordinary condiment. All we must then do is create a diversion, and...” Eva flings out both hands as if miming an explosion.

“Splat,” Alloran says. “Pllll-lat. Hissssss.”

“And this will accomplish what, exactly?” Marco asks.

“Making Alloran feel better,” Eva whispers to him. However, she seems to be whispering a great deal louder than she realizes. Humans are ill-equipped for private communication, with their sad reliance on verbal speech. “None of the andalites want him back.”

“Yeah. Cool.” Marco laughs. “Ten out of ten therapists recommend war crimes for a friend in need! And as a guy who’s been to at least ten therapists, I’d know.”

Alloran is not certain, but he believes that Marco might be employing the human verbal quirk known as “sarcasm.”

“No one will suspect a thing.” Eva pats him on the shoulder.

Marco sighs. “Security will just think it’s cocaine.”

“Cocaine?” Alloran asks. “Coke-cane? Co-c-c-c-c-c-c-aine?”

“Something you’re never going to try.” Marco levels a hard stare at him. “Given how well you handle your red wine.”

“Cooo-caaayyy-nnnee. Co-cane.”

“How did you get wrapped up in this dumbass heist, anyway?” Marco looks from one of them to the other.

“Alloran needed me,” Eva says.

“I have no friends,” Alloran announces. “And Arbron does not own a cell phone. Ell. Elffffff-own.”

Marco closes his main eyes for several seconds, massaging the bridge of his nose. An impressive feat of daring, for a creature with no stalk eyes who relies upon bipedalism. “Should’ve known you’d be a morose drunk,” he says.

“So, you’ll take us to the airfield, then?” Eva asks.

Lifting his head up, Marco opens his eyes. “In the words of my wise and estimable mother: if you want it that bad, you can have it when you’re sober.”

Eva opens her mouth halfway, squinting in what Alloran would guess is the effort of remembering when she would have said that. After a second, her expression clears. “I was right to say it, that floozy would have broken your heart in the morning, and this situation is entirely different!”

“That floozy’s name was Jake Gyllenhaal,” Marco mutters, “and I totally would’ve gone for it when I was sober, but I never got his number.”

Eva says something in Spanish, presumably about the loose morals of Jake Gyllenhaal. Marco’s expression would suggest that he only pretends not to understand her.

“Anyway. The point stands. I’m driving you home.” Marco jerks his chin at Eva. “And you,” he says, looking at Alloran, “are gonna morph and sober up before we go anywhere. I’m not having you nothlited on my conscience.”

“But,” Alloran says, “the salt—”

“We’ll revisit the salt in the morning,” Marco says firmly. “Demorph. Please.”

Alloran considers pointing out that he is a war-prince, he does not take orders from alien children, he has his pride... And then considers whether any of those statements is actually true.

He demorphs.

Instantly, he feels both better and worse. On the upside he’s more clear-headed now, but on the downside he’s more clear-headed.

“I’ll call you.” Marco gives him a long look while shepherding Eva out the door.

**********

Marco does not call, but he does send several written missives to Alloran’s cell phone. The Animorphs still have an illegal andalite communication device, it would appear, and Marco has put in requests to channels both official and not about the possibility of transport from Earth to the homeworld.

—Ax is on it, Marco’s latest text reads. —He’s calling an old friend. Might take some smuggling, but we’ve got an idea.

—Thank you, Alloran types carefully on the tiny keyboard. —Your assistance is greatly appreciated, and undeserved.

He’s debating whether to hit send when there’s a knock on the door.

Alloran’s in an abandoned building the Sharing used to use for housing human-controllers. There is very little chance that this is an incidental knock, or someone who wandered by accidentally.

The thought occurs to him that it’d be smarter to morph human and blend in before he answers. But the fear of facing the unknown in a half-blind, tailless morph wins out. He opens the door as is.

It proves to be the right decision. The andalite on the other side didn’t bother to morph either.

Estrid stares at him in silence for several seconds. Her expression is unreadable, all eyes ahead and carefully blank. Alloran doesn’t know what she’s looking for, but he lets her look.

«Estrid,» he says at last, when it’s clear she isn’t going to speak first. He gestures with his tail blade, the downward sweep of greeting for an honored warrior.

«Father,» she says.

Her own sharp tail-turn puts the flat of her blade toward him. A greeting between equals. An insult. Both not formal enough for an aristh to acknowledge a war-prince, and too formal for greeting a family member.

But then, Alloran went for Estrid, didn’t he. Not Aristh Estrid-Corill-Darrath, not Estri-kala or my child.

They haven’t seen each other in over two years. They haven’t spoken in almost twenty.

Arguably, given how young she was when he was taken, they’ve never really spoken at all. Certainly Alloran knows little of the person his daughter has become as a young adult. As a groundbreaking aristh. As a brilliant researcher.

As a war criminal.

Humans have a saying, about apples that don’t fall far.

«How is Jahar?» Alloran says. It’s what he really wants to know, and he doesn’t know how to approach any of the other minefields that lie between them. «And Ajaht, how is he?»

Judging by Estrid’s expression, she takes this to be a standard small-talk opening instead of the deeply earnest inquiry it is. «Mother is well enough. I suppose you’ll have to apologize to her in person.» She doesn’t mention her brother.

Alloran feels his tail blade drop nearly to the floor without his permission. «Yes. Of course. Estrid...»

«I’m on a diplomatic mission to Earth,» she says briskly. «Prince Aximili and I have concluded discussions with several local leaders about access to morphing technology and tourism restrictions going forward. Therefore, I will be able to exit the planet and return home after being subject to nothing more rigorous than human security scans.» The dismissive little flick of her tail at this last is, all things considered, somewhat warranted. Humans have yet to devise a single effective way to detect morphers.

«Return home,» Alloran repeats.

Might take some smuggling, Marco said. It’s sinking in: Estrid is here to bring him home.

Home. To the wife he disgraced. The brother he got killed. The children who won’t even acknowledge him, a feverish pair of overachievers desperate to leave his legacy behind. Ajaht’s tail-fighting is so legendary that, even using human channels, Alloran has been able to find scraps of news. Estrid’s skill is not praised so publicly... but the yeerks got ahold of Arbat’s files, after their disastrous mission to Earth. Alloran knows more about her, he thinks, than he ever wanted to.

«We’re leaving now,» Estrid says. «My window for authorized exit ends in two-point-eight-six Earth hours, so we need to move.»

She must have been here for days if not weeks, to negotiate the way she’s describing. And yet she came to find him at the last possible second. Likely to minimize the time they’re forced to spend together.

Alloran doesn’t have the time or the energy to care. «What would you prefer me to morph?»

«Something small and Earth-based.» She barely finishes speaking before she starts to morph herself.

Alloran pauses in surprise, because Estrid morphs with shocking skill, melding from andalite to human in a mere forty-seven seconds, all without ever once losing her footing. She even wears a normative amount of clothing when she’s finished, a sundress and sneakers and a coat overtop.

She sighs, looking him over. «We don’t have all day, here.»

«You were wasted in Arbat’s lab,» Alloran says.

«You don’t have to tell me that,» Estrid snaps. «Tell me, dear father, what else was a girl and a second-born and the child of a disgraced bloodline meant to do?»

Alloran has no answer. Silently he morphs.

His options are limited — Visser Three overwhelmingly preferred large to small morphs, and Alloran hasn’t bothered acquiring much else — so he opts for snake, Lachesis muta according to a human-controller from the area. It’s still larger than most Earth reptiles, but by coiling in close he becomes small enough to drop into the oversized pocket of Estrid’s jacket.

Estrid doesn’t speak to him, and he doesn’t ask her to, the entire way back to her fighter. She’s under no obligation, and he won’t force the issue.

********

«We’re landing soon,» Estrid tells him, three Earth weeks and eighty-two light years later. She’s maintained that icy formality throughout the entire journey so far, responding to Alloran’s questions — about her research, about her brother, about her morphing — with flat non-answers.

Alloran steps to the viewport to look out over the rolling grasslands of home like a child on his first in-atmosphere flight. Is it home, really? It’s been thirty-nine years since he left home to quell the small skirmish on the hork-bajir homeworld, forty-seven since his first offworld assignment serving under Prince Seerow. He has seen a dozen planets, been a hundred species, since that time. This body belonged to Visser Three for nearly as long as it did to Alloran himself, decades of nonexistence until he all but forgot his own name.

«What will you do next?» Alloran asks Estrid, still desperate for conversation.

She flicks a dismissive hand at the air. «I have my work.»

«Even without Arbat?»

«I didn’t say it was easy.»

«And the quantum virus?»

She turns all four eyes on him. A small part of him wants to scold her for bad form, but a far larger part of him recognizes he’d be overstepping. «The quantum virus never happened,» she says sharply. «And if it did, I was never informed of its existence. This journey was my first visit to Earth, Arbat died in a lab accident, we were never involved in weapons development, and if you even think about saying differently the War Council will back my story, because all of the documentation —»

«Estrid.» He cuts her off as gently as he can. «I would never...»

He sees it, in the stiffening of her stalk eyes. Hears it in the catch of her breath. She doesn’t want a father. Or if she does, she doesn’t want him.

«I would never dishonor the memory of my brother by raising questions about his death,» Alloran says instead.

Estrid relaxes, and turns back to the controls.

He is weary of war, weary of being alone. The person he’d been when he first met Esplin 9466 would have been shouting by now, demanding to know what right Estrid has to consider herself any better than him. He only deployed a quantum virus, had no hand in its evil creation. Either she is a hypocrite... or she is just like the War Council officials who consider it a far worse crime to be enslaved by yeerks than to have murdered ten million hork-bajir.

It’s been a long war, and Alloran has missed her every moment of it. Let her be angry; she’s here.

There is one more delicate question Alloran needs to ask, however, before they disembark on their family’s land. «Jahar,» he says. «I assume... She has found someone else. To help raise you, and...» Dark Sun, but this is hard. «She deserves to be loved, of course.»

Eva’s mate remarried, after all. Together they’d cried about that, somewhere between the third and fourth glasses of wine.

«Who would date her?» Estrid asks. «Who would be seen speaking to her? No. There’s no one. There hasn’t been. There was me, and Ajaht, and that’s it.»

Alloran feels sadness and relief and disappointment and shame at his relief, all at once in a rush too complex to understand. «I see,» he says at last.

«So go to her.» Estrid yanks hard to unseal the fighter’s outer door; they’ve landed without his noticing. «Go to her and—» Another hard yank. «Kriffing thing!»

Alloran puts his hand next to hers, pleasantly surprised when she doesn’t pull away. As one they move, and the door comes open at last.

She came to meet them. Alloran doesn’t know why he wasn’t expecting that, and yet...

Jahar is older, lined around the eyes and stooped in her shoulders and dull-edged around her hooves. She’s radiant. Transcendent.

Alloran is frozen. Aware of all the knocks he’s taken, all the shine he’s lost. Aware that they’ve been apart for longer than they ever were together.

He blames that last for the way his knees lock. For the voice that freezes inside his mind, unable to form words. For the crack in his breath and the painful squeeze of his hearts as she becomes the one to step forward. As she raises a hand to his cheek, in the first gentle touch he’s felt in over twenty years.

[Note: I know that Aloth’s line in #38 about Estrid being Arbat’s niece — which would make her Alloran’s daughter — is probably not meant to be literal in context. But the straightforward interpretation is boring, so I went with the fun one.]

#animorphs #animorphs fic #long post #ficlet #alloran #alloran is my trash baby #animorphs spoilers #victim blaming #estrangement #alloran semitur corass #Estrid Corill Darrath #alloran is estrid's dad #actual dumpster fire alloran semitur hardass #star wars swear words #cold mountain... in space!

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fatal-error-blog · 4 years

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Do you have any updates regarding the graphic novel? I remember the last time you talked about it was when you finished the Beginning reformat, but are you able to share any other news about it yet?

I do have some information I can share! Basically I have a checklist of what needs to be done before the first volume can be sent to be printed: - Cover (in progress)

- Supplemental info (not started)

- The Beginning reformatted (complete!)

- Included chapters (complete!)

- Included known side comics (complete!)

- Bonus side comic (in progress)

- All pages resized for printing (in progress)

So I’ve got a lot done! Probably the main hang up is me deciding what the cover should look like XD At this point the entire comic is gonna be split up into a couple of graphic novels to keep costs down for everyone so I’m trying to think big picture here of how all the covers would look together, haha. So in the meantime I’m getting all the other things done.

Also something that I’ve been keeping in mind - When the first volume of the graphic novel is ready to print I’m gonna do like, a preorder thing with some extra goodies as a thank you to those who would like to purchase it, but I’m very much keeping in mind the state of the world right now with my timing on this XD Especially when it comes to shipping, and especially with those who would be having their book shipped internationally. I don’t want people’s books to just be stuck in transit for weeks or even months, so I’m thinking that opening preorders in a couple of months might be better. So keep an eye out for announcements about that a little later in the summer ;)

#xed has something to say #graphic novel #update #Volume 1

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hawkinsschoolcounselor · 4 years

Text

Season 4: What do we know?

What with it being summer break during a pandemic, I am quite bored. I’ve decided to take a look at what we know about the upcoming season. It turns out, we don’t really KNOW a lot. What do we know then?

1) There appear to be nine episodes, and the first one is (currently) titled The Hellfire Club. This is all based on the Stranger Writers Twitter account. Nine episodes would be welcome, as last season felt a bit rushed to me. As for the Hellfire Club, that’s where we can really only speculate...which I will happily do here because, again, I’m bored and starved of content. The Hellfire Club was first a reference to organizations in 18th century Britain or Ireland. They seemed to be hedonistic in nature, and some possibly existed as a mockery of religion. They basically congregated to have a safe place to escape social taboo. From the information I was able to find, they seemed relatively benign. There’s no evidence they were Satanic or anything malicious, though rumors were abound of evil magic and other goings on. From my readings, I get the sense they were basically like stereotypical frat houses of today: excessive indulgences in food, drink, and sex, along with weird rituals and pledges of loyalty and secrecy. I struggled to connect this to anything that could occur in Stranger Things. Hellfire Clubs as the rumors of the time saw them may fit into the supernatural aspects of the narrative, but it would be a very obscure reference. It could be a secret organization investigating things that would otherwise be frowned upon (the occult and/or supernatural). It could be a club or organization that others see as bad, like perhaps a school clique of outcasts, but it’d be quite something for an 80s kid to know the reference. To them, they’d probably more likely associate it with a comic book. The Hellfire Club was also the name given to a villainous group first shown in Uncanny X-Men #129. It is ostensibly an international elite social club, but is more or less a front for an group of powerful people, including several powerful mutants, to use their wealth and power to secretly influence world events. They were introduced during the Dark Phoenix storyline, as members of that organization tried to bend the Phoenix to their will in order to make use of her power. So, perhaps the Hellfire Club (likely named by one of our comic-loving boys) is made up of antagonists looking to capitalize on Brenner’s work. Brenner himself could very well be behind it all. The main issue I see here is that this would require not only revealing this to the viewers in the first episode, but also to the kids in order to allow the name. 2) Hopper is...somewhere This is old news by now, but we know Hopper hasn’t been reduced to goo like everyone else exposed to the Russian experiment. Where he is remains a mystery, though they seem to want us to think Russia and that he is the American mentioned by the guards. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that he could have slipped through the gate (intentionally or not) and ended up in Russia. It would make me wonder why the show played its hand so early though. They may have just said “screw it” when so many people noticed there were no remains like with everyone else who got blasted. It may also be a misdirection. I’m not a huge fan of those, as I think having to be blatantly deceptive is cheap writing, but I’m also not a writer. What we do know is that part of the plot will have to involve finding and rescuing Hopper, wherever he is.

3) Murray knows something that would be of interest to Joyce

In an easter egg after Season 3, we were treated to Murray’s answering machine message. Writers know that a number of fans will call a phone number (or go to a website) provided on a show or movie and often set up supplemental material to go with it. Along with scolding his mom for calling him when she isn’t supposed to, he also includes a message for Joyce. This shows that he was anticipating her call, suggesting that they had remained in contact. Murray is intentionally vague about a discovery he made, but refers to it as an “update” and “not good or bad, but something.” What we can get out of this is that Murray has been working on something of interest to Joyce, possibly at her request. What could interest Joyce that an investigative reporter would want to work on? The obvious answer is Hopper’s whereabouts, but that would imply that she thinks he’s alive. Perhaps she wanted to be sure that her family is safe from government agencies, Russians, and the supernatural. The part that stands out to me is that it’s “not good or bad.” You’d think Murray would have some idea of what he discovered. This could just be a way for them be all “hey, Murray’s gonna be involved next season” without giving anything away. 4) The party will be split, at least at first I mean, this is basically a given, but, since it’s something we know, it should be included here. The Byers and Jane have left Hawkins for parts unknown. Jane presumably is going with them, but keep in mind her aunt is still out there. However, if Jane were to be going to live with her aunt then her goodbye wouldn’t be quite so impactful. Becky Ives is shown to live relatively close to Hawkins given the ease with which Jane gets there. Mike’s conversation with Jane where he invites her and Will over for the holidays suggests he expects them to be living together. We may not have seen the last of Jane’s biological family (or Kali for that matter), but she’s almost certainly going to live with the Byers, at least initially. With the emphasis the series has put on not splitting the party, we can expect them all to reunite somehow. However, the initial action would have to occur separately unless the entire season occurs during the course of a visit. This was all I could think of in terms of known information. Everything else would simply be speculation. I’m not opposed to that, but that would be for another post at another time. Please feel free to fill in any gaps I’ve left or correct any mistakes I’ve made (politely I would ask).

#stranger things #stranger things 4

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atissi · 4 years

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What advice would you give someone who wants to play Pathologic but is also terrified of screwing up really badly because I've played just enough of it to feel like there's no way I can succeed without looking stuff up but I don't want to do that! Just basic tips and/or reassurances if you have any?

Updated: Feb. 27 2021 (since I've finished and am replaying P2)

See, the thing about Pathologic is that it’s not possible to “succeed” like you do in other video games. There’s no happy ending for everyone. In the same sense, you can’t really fail. The game accommodates a wide variety of deaths and mistakes—even in Pathologic Classic HD, you can get a character's ending if you hoard enough medicine by the end of the 12 days, no matter how many people get sick or die. In Pathologic 2, everyone can die, but you’ll still be able to get an ending. Even some of the "bad" endings are fun in their own right. Sometimes, the game will reward you with more content because you failed in the first place.

All that being said, I totally relate to your fears. I’ll start by talking about Pathologic 2 first, since I’m more familiar with it. Then there will be some tips on playing Pathologic Classic HD.

Pathologic 2 is incredibly punishing, both emotionally and mechanically. I’ve seen people adapt to this through 3 different playstyles. I’ll rank them in terms of “least close to the intended gaming experience” to “most close”.

1. Just cheat.

“wrt cheating, as a notorious cheater, id recommend trying to do the game as legitimately as possible regardless! if there are some aspects that you absolutely do not vibe with, even with reduced difficulty (for me that's hunger mechanics), i would say that you can load in items to mitigate this aspect. and, tying in with the second point, if you complete a run this way you can always go back and try it legitimately since you've (sort of) gotten an understanding of the mechanic.” - Onion

If you have really bad anxiety, or just dont have the time available to do the other playstyles, cheating is a way to engage with Pathologic 2′s excellent story. Fiddling with the difficulty controls is allowed. Spawning in endless food for yourself is possible. I can even get you in touch with someone who uses cheat codes in the game regularly to get game assets. If changing the game is what it takes for you to get through it, I think it’s better than nothing. But I’d personally at least encourage you to try an Imago playthrough first. Decide if it’s too difficult for you after that. And again: Pathologic 2 is constantly trying to trip you up. It’s meant to be difficult. Sometimes you’ll fail and the game won’t tell you if you could have prevented it. Just keep going. But like Onion said, cheating works as a supplement.

2. Replay, replay, and replay, until you get it right.

“You can always replay. You have more time than they do. Also save states are your friend.” - Alex

“reload as much as possible, do NOT look things up. your first playthru WILL be bad, and thats good!!! experience it fully yourself first. [and] “reload as much as possible” meaning like: [it] isnt a crime, you can do it as many times as possible. but dont get stressed about doing everything perfectly. its an experience!!!” - Zee

There’s no penalty for using your save states. If you get stuck in a death loop, go back as far as you need to in order to get things right. Hopefully this means starting a day over and using your time more effectively. Personally, I got to Day 7 before realizing I had to restart from Day 1, because I was doing that badly. Trust me, if you’ve gotten one miracle cure and 10 bottles of water by then, you’ll be doing better than I was. My friend Bee had trouble too, and took 92 hours to finish their first playthrough. A replay playstyle takes a LOT of time. But Pathologic 2 is so rich in content that replaying isn’t even as annoying as it could be. And this is also the best way to complete as many quests and save as many people as you want. Whenever you’re scared, just remember: you can always go back on your choices! (Other than the theatre’s death penalties. But nothing can help you with those.)

3. Just go through it.

Again. You’re not supposed to succeed in Pathologic. In the words of the lead translator Kevin Snow, “…I know [Pathologic 2’s] script and this is different from other games: there’s so much story locked behind failure and death. You’ll die, and you can’t save everyone. That doesn’t gate you from story; it gives you more. Resist, survive, but continue.” It’s only when you’re suffering that you experience the story so viscerally. That’s when the choices mean something. Sacrificing your own health or the health of others–saving tinctures for yourself, breaking into houses, killing people, choosing not to help people because you just don’t have time–these are impactful because you’re experiencing the mechanical repercussions of your actions. You are not a removed arbiter of the Town’s suffering. Everyone in Pathologic is having the worst 12 days of their life, and you’re dying right alongside them. Spoilers for Day 4, but I don’t think visiting the Rod and seeing the Tragedians would have affected me so deeply if I wasn’t actively starving for the entire sequence. It served as a reminder that I wasn’t the only one in pain; it was heart-breaking and heart-warming. Which I think is Pathologic at its core.

Try to see your failures in the game as another form of success. You’re experiencing the game as it’s meant to be played. And when you feel bad about all the people you’ve failed, remember that this is all a play. The game knows it’s artificial. You can replay the game after you finish–and feel free to use cheats or lowered difficulties on a replay–in order to get everything right. Your mistakes aren’t permanent! But on a first playthrough, try to tough through the hardships. You’ll have a more fulfilling time.

Other tips

You can use these 3 playstyles in combination if you need to. I let myself die when I feel like I deserved the punishment, or reload when I feel like I don’t. Bee managed to finish Day 11 by lowering the game difficulty in the final stretch. Just approximate the intended gaming experience as much as you can.

As for gameplay guides, I don’t think anyone I’ve met recommends it (at least for Pathologic 2). The game does interesting things with when and where it reveals information to you, often in ways that are deliberately inconveniencing. You want to experience that on your own. I also think Pathologic 2 is relatively good at telegraphing mechanics or quests. compared to Patho Classic. That said, I do have tips that I wish I knew before playing:

Sprint everywhere. I know the town is beautiful. But you’re on a hell of a time crunch. If you finish your quests early you can forage or trade for more resources, or just bottom out your exhaustion bar. Sprinting does not make your exhaustion go up faster, and water is plentiful in the first few days. Just do it! Save your own time!

Save a lot. Even if you’re not gonna die on your way in and out of the Broken Heart, this game is chock-full of choices, down to the resource management. If you waste a swig of twyrine, you’ll want a good save point to reload at. You can load any save point in your timeline, so save as often as you want. Keep track of where clocks are on the map--the game tags these in the building descriptions. (For that matter, keep track of where beds are. I didn’t realize I could sleep at Vlad Sr.’s place, which made me waste SO much time travelling between the Shelter and the Lair.)

Learn the trading economy. Everyone holds items at different values. Even the kids value certain nuts over others. There are also some interesting conversion rates between items, like peanuts to soap to pemmican. Make the most of the items you’re bartering. And for that matter, try to build up a cache of items valuable to little girls, in case you find one with a schmowder. The kid’s caches are valuable for trading too: twyrine can show you the locations.

This is also a good spoiler-free guide to Pathologic 2′s mechanics.

For Pathologic Classic HD, I haven’t personally played it, but I’m under the impression that it’s easier than Pathologic 2 because there are less character perma-deaths and no death penalties. The advice about reloading still applies. Here’s what Ally says:

“id recommend using a spoiler free guide (Bachelor, Haruspex, and Changeling guides) but other than that read the diary and letters carefully and try to keep track of npcs that could be affiliated with quests. also! some quests have different options for endings so there could be multiple ways to complete them. stock up on food on the earlier days, and after the inquisitor arrives because the prices drop. try to stealth kill with melee weapons when you can, and also reserve your bullets. …also make sure to trade with the children a lot! hold onto objects like the hooks and flowers [to get schmowders. Like I said before, to win the game you only need enough cures to heal the Bound.] …another tip is to keep a pen and paper around to take notes. like when i got the tincture recipes instead of keeping them in my inventory i just wrote them down.”

And that’s it! If you need specific advice or clarification, feel free to DM me! I love talking about this game. I can also get you in touch with anyone mentioned in this post (except Kevin Snow LMAO). Pathologic has an amazing story and I want everyone to experience it!!!

#inbox #beepbeep.txt #pathologic

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harrystyleslovebot · 4 years

Photo

hello friends! i hope you’re staying happy and healthy and AT HOME.

i’m here to ask for a little bit of help and a signal boost! as an online teacher, the platforms i’ve been working with have recently been busy. i’m trying my best to build up my clientele while everyone is at home, and part of doing so with these companies is referring new teachers. if you’re looking for a way to make some extra income while at home, please give this a shot if you qualify! to be transparent here: i do get a monetary compensation when someone joins as a teacher using my code and teaches their first class. this would help me out greatly during a time like this, and in return you get a pretty cool side job where you can make money from home (social distancing, yeah!).

i currently teach with three online companies: SayABC, VIPKid and Palfish. i’m gonna give you a little brief on each one in case you’re curious, and my dms are open for any questions you might have!

* all of these companies are chinese companies. their class times run in beijing timezone, usually from 3pm to 9pm beijing time during the week and 10am to 8pm beijing time on weekends.

below the cut you will find details! even if you aren’t interested in teaching, a reblog would help me out tremendously!

SayABC:

requirements: native english level, comp with audio/visual compatibility, bachelor’s degree or above, min 1 year teaching experience (preferred not not required), certified in tefl (preferred but not required), MUST be able to plug into a moden (ethernet connection)

pay: base pay of $13 USD per 40 minute class. incentive pay of $4 USD per class based on attendance and productivity. an additional $8 USD for any converted trial student as well.

students per class: 4

curriculum provided: yes

typical age group: 5-8

class time: 40 minutes

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*please note this list and the information is by no means comprehensive. i included links to either the official website or websites with reliable information that go into detail regarding pay, class times, etc. these companies are great if you need some extra income while you’re at home. i will say that teaching online can at times be unreliable, however, if you’re at home anyways and worried about money, it’s 100% worth a shot. i’ve had mostly great experiences with all 3 companies. you can google / youtube reviews and the pros and cons as well as additional advice for applications and mock classes. thank you so much and stay happy and healthy!

#signal boost

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dyadsaber · 4 years

Text

A New Reylo Shipper Reads the TFA Novelization Part 4: In Which I Refuse to Believe that the Han and Leia I’ve Known Since I was Eight are That Awful at Parenting or Relationships, and I Have Feelings About a Scene With Rey in a Chair

Full disclosure: I am an old fan. I saw Star Wars for the first time in 1989 because my mom took me to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in theaters, I thought Indy was the Best Thing Ever, and mom decided I was old enough for Star Wars, too. I was 8. I saw Phantom Menace in theaters the month before I graduated from high school. So I’ve had ideas about what Han and Leia are like as people for the vast majority of my life.

I have spent a lot of time and mental energy trying to wrap my brain around the way that Han and Leia and Luke act and make choices in the sequel trilogy so that I can enjoy the things that I actually LIKE about the sequels. (And I like a lot, or I wouldn’t have a Reylo blog or be writing about this novelization.) Some of it, I can come up with explanations for. They are sad explanations, but I can get my brain to buy them instead of screaming THIS PERSON WOULD NOT DO THAT. But the way that this novelization was going to have Han and Leia talk about Ben’s fall to the Dark Side in the scene where they meet up again is NOT ONE OF THEM.

OH YE GODS THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY. (I’m going to swear a lot below…)

When Han and Leia see each other again, we find out how long it’s been since they’ve seen each other…

Husband and wife stood regarding each other for the first time in years.

YEARS? Really? My first question when I read this was, how many years? Apparently, various supplemental timelines reveal it has supposedly only been seven years since Ben turned to the Dark Side and Luke’s temple was destroyed, which means Ben was, what, twenty three when shit went down? I have issues with this as well. All of the other clues we’re given point to him being younger. This is a glaring example of “no one cared about these characters as much as the fans did and so people weren’t careful with the timeline.”

Getting back to the issue of Han and Leia not seeing each other for… an unspecified at this point number of years, I get that what happened was traumatic. I get that it probably took a toll on their relationship, but having Han just say “screw it” and fuck off with Chewie, and Leia just… keep on keeping on has always smacked of lazy writing to me. It feels like Abrams didn’t want to have to DEAL with the messy questions about how Han and Leia would be with each other if they had STAYED TOGETHER and dealt, sometimes well, sometimes poorly, with the loss of their son. So he was just like, “NOPE THEY SPLIT UP ISN’T IT SAD?” And it IS SAD, but the Han who CAME BACK even when there was no reward in it for him, whose last words before being FROZEN IN CARBONITE were “I LOVE YOU,” and the Leia who WALKED INTO JABBA’S PALACE TO GET HIM BACK would not be like this. I can see them trying to work through their grief together, and then Han just needing to get away for a while, or them agreeing to focus their efforts on finding their son and turn him back in the areas where they each most likely to have an effect, BUT NO. They just… split, and we don’t even get a lot of backstory about exactly how that went so we can understand the emotional arc for these characters. DUMB. I CALL BULLSHIT.

And speaking of HORSESHIT CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS…. Here’s some extra stuff Han says that wasn’t on screen.

“He’s gone, Leia. He was always drawn to the dark side. There was nothing we could’ve done to stop it, no matter how hard we tried.”

This is longer than what he says on screen. His line here in the film is “We lost our son. Forever.” And the longer version pisses me off SO MUCH. How would HAN know he was always drawn to the Dark Side, unless Luke and Leia were TELLING HIM that’s what was happening? (Possible, but this doesn’t read like Han reminding Leia of things she told him already, and I don’t like what that theory says about Luke and Leia making Han afraid of his own kid.)

I know on-screen Han says something about “even Luke couldn’t help him,” the stuff about THERE IS NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE just makes me FURIOUS. Is this supposed to be COMFORTING to Leia? Like, “Well, we did our best and it’s not our fault he turned because that was always gonna happen”? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. Han is not that much of a fatalist. He tries to tell himself that Ben is gone for good NOW, which is understandable, but “there’s NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE IT WAS ALWAYS HOPELESS?” No. Get out of my house if you’re talking that level of shit about Han.

And then there’s THIS CRAP ABOUT LEIA, AND I’M GONNA BLOW A GASKET LOOKING AT ALL OF THIS AGAIN.

So, when Leia says “it was Snoke” in the film, Han doesn’t react much, and to me, that scene on screen reads like Leia is reminding Han of something they both already know, but in the novel, she apparently… just… never mentioned Snoke to Han, and she KNEW ABOUT HIM ALL ALONG?

“Snoke?” She nodded. “He knew our child would be strong with the Force. That he was born with equal potential for good or evil.” “You knew this from the beginning? Why didn’t you tell me?” She sighed. “Many reasons. I was hoping that I was wrong, that it wasn’t true. I hoped I could sway him, turn him away from the dark side, without having to involve you.” A small smile appeared. “You had—you have—wonderful qualities, Han, but patience and understanding were never among them. I was afraid that your reactions would only drive him farther to the dark side. I thought I could shield him from Snoke’s influence and you from what was happening.” Her voice dropped. “It’s clear now that I was wrong. Whether your involvement would have made a difference, we’ll never know.”

So you are telling me that LEIA FUCKING ORGANA had a CHILD with a man (and married him? Are the new canon ones even married? Does it even matter? IT DOES TO ME.) and then hid a REALLY IMPORTANT FACT ABOUT THEIR SON from that man because she thought… Han was too impatient? And she thought he wouldn’t be able to handle it and would make it worse? And so she just… hid it from both of them and tried to deal with it on her own? The more I think about this, the angrier it makes me.

One of the things I love about Star Wars is how much we get to see characters leaning on each other, both physically and metaphorically, and being part of a team that supports each other. It’s one of the reasons I hate the way that the sequels separate people and have characters that have spent their whole arcs looking for connection ending up on screen alone at the end. (I know Rey’s not staying on Tattooine, but the fact that the last time we see her, she’s by herself was a choice that makes me mad.) ANYWAY… The idea of Leia deciding she has to struggle with this BY HERSELF (and maybe with Luke? Who even knows?) and ON PURPOSE cutting Han out of the loop entirely is just… stunningly out of character. It’s another one of those writing decisions that makes for good angst and terrible characterization if you know ANYTHING about Leia, in my opinion.

And I refuse to believe that this next line is anything other than a need for this information to be gotten across to the audience in an extra clear way. This is Han’s response to all of the above, I think.

He had trouble believing what he was hearing. “So Snoke was watching our son.”

So this confirms it. THIS is DEFINITELY the first time Leia even MENTIONS Snoke manipulating their kid to Han. The implication here is that after Ben turned, Leia let Han roam around the galaxy for seven years, BY HIMSELF, NOT KNOWING THAT THEIR KID HAD BEEN FUCKED WITH BY AN EVIL DESSICATED PICKLE? SHE LET HIM KEEP THINKING THAT BEN’S TURN WAS JUST BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING INNATELY WRONG WITH BEN AND NOTHING MORE? DUMB. Canon not accepted.

I need to go watch this scene in TFA, with all of its flaws, to cleanse my brain of this stupidity.

Oh… one last thing that is not nearly so rage inducing, but gets to one of the things that annoys me about the prequels. (This is a little later when Han is leaving.)

He put his hands on her shoulders, and thirty years fell away in an instant. “Leia, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a long time.” Fighting to hold back tears, she put a finger to his lips. “Tell me when you get back.”

On the one hand this is kind of sweet, but on the other LET HAN SAY I LOVE YOU, ABRAMS YOU TEASE. Let Leia say “I know.” You LOVE cheap callbacks to the original trilogy, and this wouldn’t have even been a cheap callback because it would have made sense for the moment and the characters. I would have bought it. I would have paid a high price for it. I’m tired of characters not telling each other things (FINN IN THE LAST MOVIE OMG). I know it’s a way to up the tension, but it just reads as lazy writing here to me, especially now that I know that this is the last time we get to see them speak to each other, and there’s really no REASON she shouldn’t let him say it.

And now… some feelings about Rey in a chair.

First, let’s get this out of the way… What Kylo Ren does here is NOT GOOD. Like, “this made me remember all the reasons I was so resistant to shipping them” levels of not good. But then I remembered that I’ve been fangirling over REALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE since Jason Isaacs stepped on screen in The Patriot in theaters (Go look it up. I’m really old, ok?), and I ship pairings that hurt each other WAY more permanently than Rey and Ben do, and I got over my misgivings. (Half of one of my OTPs canonically killed the other half in a fit of anger, and she STAYED DEAD. I still ship them because this was a stupid writing decision.)

What I think is so eerily fascinating about this whole scene, both on the page and on screen, is how… weirdly direct and honest Kylo is the whole time. And it’s not just honesty (but I’m going to scream about that a lot), it’s… how careful (for him) he is with her.

So I knew this was going to be a ride of a scene when the very first time he talks from Rey’s PoV, we get…

“In Kylo Ren’s voice there was unexpected gentleness.”

Was it also understanding and tall? (That will never stop being funny to me… sorry.)

And THEN, when she asks about her friends, he’s like (paraphrasing here) “Well I COULD tell you they all died…”

“But I would prefer to be honest with you from the beginning. You will be relieved to hear that as far as their current status and well-being is concerned—I have no idea.”

This matters a lot to me. And it solidified my belief that he THOUGHT he was telling her the truth about her parents in TLJ when he said they were “nothing” and that they abandoned her. He MUST have been acting on an incorrect assumption that he arrogantly assumed was true because, that this is the important bit, he never knowingly lies to her... I really wish that honesty line had made it into the film.

And the fact that he thinks RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING that this is going to be the beginning of an ongoing relationship where he would even CARE about establishing trust… just makes me laugh at the presumption on his part, but also makes me want to be like, “Ok, so you’re kind of right but also hilariously wrong because this is NOT GOING TO GO HOW YOU THINK.” Mostly I just enjoy simmering in the dramatic irony of it all.

And then he takes his mask off because Rey called him a creature in a mask, and that probably hurt his feelings or something.

“In itself the narrow face that looked back at her was not remarkable. It was almost sensitive.”

And this is where I became even more convinced that… maybe casting hadn’t happened for all the parts yet? But ADF had descriptions of types they were looking for? Because if there’s one thing that Adam’s face is pretty much ALL THE TIME, it’s sensitive (and holy crud expressive). No almost.

Also, if Adam had been cast, this bit:

“If not for the intensity of his gaze, Ren could have passed for someone she might have met on the dust streets of Niima Outpost.”

Would have read more like: “If not for the intensity of his gaze, his ridiculously good looking hair that probably took a whole team of stylist droids to maintain, and the fact that he was tall as a tauntaun, he might have passed for someone on the street.” But I digress.

So this next line of his is from a really awful moment that should not have made me smile. But… he’s not even angry, here. He’s just exasperated, and that fight on the Death Star they have in TRoS made this extra amusing. (Not that anyone who’s read this far is going to be on my case about this, but I know how problematic that line is! I know how problematic this whole scene is! Not an uncritical consumer of media here, just having fun reading with a shippy lens!)

When she maintained her silence, he almost sighed. “I can take whatever I want.”

The old " Well, I guess we're doing this the hard way" sigh. I can SEE IT.

And then, one of those unique to the novel lines that I somehow didn’t know about before reading the book that just STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS when I got to it.

“I would have preferred to avoid this. Despite what you may believe, it gives me no pleasure. I will go as easily as possible—but I will take what I need.”

HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS. I mean on the one hand, have a “not as much of a jerk as you could have been” gold star, but on the other hand, for KYLO “I HAVE A TEMPER AND GET WHAT I WANT REN” to have the intention to tread carefully with her and to CARE enough about what she thinks about him that he SAYS IT? WOW.

Thank you for coming to my talk, “Kylo Ren ALWAYS Cares What Rey Thinks of Him: A Thesis Presentation by Me”

So he tries to get into her brain again, and we get this: (I can’t tell whose PoV this supposed to be from. It’s Rey all around this point, but it doesn’t make sense that it would be her here, and ADF can’t hold a consistent point of view in this novel to save his life, so… it makes more sense to me that it’s Kylo’s PoV.)

“And hesitated. What was that? Something there. Something unexpected.”

Loneliness would not be unexpected. He wouldn’t be surprised by that. It makes sense that the original intent was this is Kylo sensing her ability to use the Force, but if there was ANY pre-planning of the bond at all, this would have been a moment where he’d be able to sense it. (I now want to be directed to any and all articles of behind the scenes discussion of the bond and who first decided it was going to be A Thing. Was that just Rian Johnson?) No matter what happened from a Doylist perspective here, what happened from the Watsonian perspective is that Kylo went fishing in his other half’s mind and stepped right into their one-in-a-million connection in the Force and was like, “WHAT IS THIS???”

So we’re going to skip over the part of Rey crying because that does terrible things to my soul that I don’t have words for. (I may ship Reylo now, but I loved Rey on her own from the second she stepped on screen in theaters.)

This moment, though… this is so telling.

“Rey—you’ve seen the map. It’s in there. And I am going to take it. Don’t be afraid.”

Geez this is so him. Frustratingly so. I see why they cut it for the flow of the scene and to make him scarier but WOW. “I’m going to do what I want, but YOU DON’T NEED TO BE AFRAID. Here let me comb through all of your insecurities and worst memories AGAINST YOUR WILL while you’re strapped to a table, ok? WHY ARE YOU SCARED?”

Honestly, the fact that he even thinks for a second that “don’t be afraid” is going to be AT ALL HELPFUL OR EFFECTIVE in this situation just goes to show how… weirdly out touch with normal people he is. (“Ben Solo Learns How to Be a Person and Not Something Out of Nightmare” is a fic trope I will read and write forever.)

Then there’s that “SOMETHING” again…

‘Ah, he thought to himself. Something there, of interest. Not the image of the map. That would take another moment. But definitely something worth investigating.”

WHAT IS THIS? It would be easy to say, “He’s just sensing her Force capabilities, or the bond,” again, but we’ve already seen him have that reaction. This reads like he’s specifically sensing another MEMORY, but we don’t ever get what it WAS before she pushes back. (Probably reading too much into this, but OF COURSE I AM. I’ve written seventeen pages of reaction to this nonsense so far, and I show no signs of stopping.) Anyone want to put forward wildly speculative theories as to what it was? I’ll start: He’s very specifically sensing her memory of Ben falling to the Dark from TRoKR, and it’s drawing his attention because it’s a memory of HIM.

And now for Round 1 of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.” Rey pushes back and finds herself in Kylo’s mind.

A look of amazement replaced the fear on Rey’s face as she discovered herself inside his mind. Stunned at the realization, she found herself inexorably drawn to—to… “You,” she heard herself saying clearly, “you’re afraid.”

DRAWN TO WHAT, ADF? To his vulnerabilities? To the place in his mind that correlates to the place in hers that he went poking at? I mean, that makes sense, an it would be instance #1 of Rey replicating what Kylo did because… he’s the example of Force use she’s GOT at this point, and it makes sense that she would be unconsciously doing what he did. (So really… he accidentally taught her a lot… just saying.)

And finally, just kind of love this description of caught-flat-footed Kylo Ren:

“In the corridor, a stunned Ren found that he was breathing hard. That in itself was unsettling. He did not know what had just transpired in the holding cell and, not knowing, was left uncertain how to proceed.”

She… raised my breathing rate? I’m???? Having??? A??? Feeling????? Or wait have I been having a feeling this WHOLE TIME AND SHE JUST POKED IT???? WHAT IS GOING ON??? What do I DOOOOOO????? Oh good a stormtrooper needs to talk to me. Time to NOT THINK ABOUT ANY OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

Rey clearly had the one brain cell the dyad shares between them for this scene, and for a long time after.

That was WAY longer than I meant it to be, but… thanks for reading! I’d love to know what people think. I feel like I walked into a party late and want to talk about ALL THE THINGS people were screaming at five years ago.

#reylo #dyadsaber text posts #tfa novelization #the force awakens novelization

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onisionhurtspeople · 5 years

Note

I'm a newcomer and I have to ask: what is the story behind Sarah, Billie, Haylee, Lane, ect? I've seen it I just don't understand

I’m going to give just a brief summary for each, and then try to include links for supplemental reading. (I say that, but let’s be real, I’m probably gonna end up typing a fucking short story.) At this point I’m dedicated to banging out this fucking novel, so prepare yourself for what may end up being the longest tl;dr I’ve ever written.

The Girls Who Peeled The Onion Skin

Sorry if that was creepy, I just wanted it to sound like “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” or “The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest”.

It all started with Billie.

In 2015, Lainey came out as bisexual, and Greg convinced her to explore her sexuality by getting a girlfriend. The girlfriend that they chose was Billie, an 18-year-old influencer who had a large Instagram following. Greg flew Billie down for Lainey under the guise that she would have a chance to explore herself and her sexual orientation, but when Billie got there, his ulterior motives became clear, and Greg began moving in on this 18-year-old girl who was supposed to be his wife’s girlfriend. This did not go unnoticed by Lainey, who was pregnant with their second child at the time and was quick to express her discomfort with the situation - but Greg didn’t listen to her, and one day when Lainey was out with a friend, he gave Billie a massage in the nude, after which they cuddled while watching a movie. Lainey was hurt and felt cheated on and betrayed, and moved out to stay with a friend that day while they discussed getting a divorce.

At the time, the plan was for Lainey and Greg to divorce, for Greg to sign away his parental rights over Troy (and the baby that Lainey was currently pregnant with), for him to set her up in her own place with child support payments, and for him to move Billie down from her own state to live with him as his new girlfriend. The only reason this did not end up going through was because Billie didn’t feel comfortable about the way everything had gone down, and didn’t think what Greg was planning to do was right. She didn’t want to be the reason why a family with young children and a pregnant wife split up, and decided to go back to her own state. The next day, Greg and Lainey talked and agreed to give their marriage another chance.

The next year, for whatever reason, they suddenly decided that it would be a fantastic fucking idea to bring Billie back into their home; and having browbeaten Lainey into this choice, he then declared that he, Lainey, and Billie were now in a polyamorous triad. (One important thing to note here (for the sake of explaining another aspect of this story later on) is that during this time that Billie was living with them again, Greg and Lainey also had another house guest - a 15-year-old girl named Sarah who Lainey had met and befriended online, and over whom Lainey had legal guardianship of at the time. More on this later.) Lainey accepted this passively, though she was still uncomfortable with it; and she asked that Greg and Billie not do anything sexual together unless she was there to participate too. At one point, Lainey and Sarah even went so far as to sit Billie down privately and ask her not to sleep with Greg if he made advances on her.

To no one’s surprise, just a few weeks later - again, while Lainey was out with a friend - Greg took Billie aside and manipulated her into sleeping with him. Billie protested that she thought Lainey would be hurt by this and didn’t think it was okay, but Greg reassured her that it was all okay, because he had already told Lainey that there would be no more jealousy in the relationship, that Greg would do what he wanted with Billie when he wanted to do it, and that she would have to either just get over it or find herself divorced. A quote from one of Greg’s YouTube videos at the time:

“Regardless, it is important to note that Billie did tell me that she thought Lainey might be upset if she and I slept together, but every time she indicated she was worried, I would remind her of the conversation I had with Lainey where I repeatedly told her there would be no more boundaries, we would all have balanced relationships, and that there would be no jealousy.”

Lainey was hurt and enraged, but she had no power or control over the situation: if she tried to stop Greg from doing what he wanted, then he’d simply divorce her - he’d already begun sewing the seeds of discord among his viewers that Lainey was a Negative Nancy who was insecure and dramatic, and always causing unnecessary strife in the relationship. Who wouldn’t understand his struggle, the long-suffering man of an insecure wife who he just couldn’t make happy, no matter how hard he tried? Who could have blamed him, really?

But then, Greg and Lainey fucked up big time.

After yet another break-up with Billie, during which Greg blamed the entire thing on her (by arguing that he and Lainey had broken up with her because she had smoked weed without their permission, though they later retconned this to say that it was because she smoked weed at all) and released a ton of private information about her personal life that he had no business repeating, Billie decided that she had had enough. She was sick of being blamed and harassed by Greg’s hundreds of thousands of rabid followers - and so she released a series of text messages between them that revealed an alarmingly abusive side to him that, up until then, he had been extremely good at hiding.

The current downward spiral that you’re witnessing Greg spinning around aimlessly in was all triggered by Billie’s choice to release these text messages. For the people who have just jumped on the anti-O train within the past two years: the thing you have to understand is that before this happened back in late 2016 - although most of YouTube knew by this point that the entity named Onision was a complete asshole - very few people who were not familiar with his personal life (or who couldn’t see through him, or discern the subtly abusive patterns in his relationships and personal conduct) knew how abusive he was in private. Most people were still under the impression that he was just a very douchey online personality, and the people who did know about what a piece of shit he was were too scared to come forward about it, because this all happened during a time when he still had a considerably large and dedicated fan base. His videos were still getting 100,000+ views per video, his tweets had hundreds of likes per post, and he was making nearly $5000 per month on Patreon - and Billie’s choice to come forward with these text messages as proof completely change all of that. They got a ton of harassment for it at first (to the point where Ayallah - Billie’s best friend, and the ex-girlfriend of Social Repose - caught so much flack for her involvement that she ended up having a complete mental break-down where she had to beg Greg to leave her and Billie alone). I’m sure a lot of people disagree with me, but personally, I consider Billie to essentially be the Petyr Baelish of the anti-O community - she was the first fallen domino that triggered the chain reaction that has ultimately resulted in the final fall of Onision.

Now, moving on to Haylee (who you may see occasionally be referred to as “Luxymoo”).

After Greg and Lainey broke up with Billie, Greg was still pushing hard for Lainey to try having a girlfriend to ~explore her bisexuality~ (although by this point, it was more than clear what his ulterior motives for doing this were). I’ll let Haylee tell this story in her own words, since she did us all a favor by writing out this account for us, and I wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to let somebody tell their own story.

I tweeted a picture of myself to Lainey wearing their merch. They retweeted it and then followed me immediately after. I was in shock, excited, I think i even screamed. Then, out of no where, Lainey messaged me. I was so stoked. I thought, “This can’t be real.” We talked for awhile on twitter, they asked if I was interested in girls and I told them I felt like I was heteroflexible. That I liked certain girls, that I had a type. Lainey said they didn’t know if they were my type or not. I said that they were. Soon after that, Lainey said it would be easier for us to text. I gave them my number, and they started texting me the next day. We were flirty with each other. We got to know each other on a more personal level and I ended up liking them.. a lot. Greg messaged me telling me that if I was not serious about Lainey, to not lead them on. I told Greg that I wasn’t that kind of person, and that I really liked Lainey. At the time, I still thought this is what I wanted. Lainey and I continued to talk for a few more days when greg messaged me again, pitching the three way relationship. I told myself that I would not be Billie. I would not be with Greg AND Lainey. That if this were to continue, I would only be interested in Lainey. However, when Greg pitched the idea to me, I had already started liking Lainey a lot more than I expected. I told him I wanted to try. After that I started doing research on what it meant to be in a three way relationship. I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t for me. Which killed me, because all I wanted to do was be with Lainey. I wanted to try for them, but at the end of the day, I had to consider my personal feelings on the matter. I knew I couldn’t be what they wanted, because I wanted Lainey. I told Lainey as soon as I came to that conclusion. I wanted to be honest. I didn’t want to drag it out. Lainey didn’t respond to me.. but Greg did. He said that if he were in my position, he would do whatever it takes to be with Lainey. He said that I didn’t really care about Lainey, that all i was looking for was friendship. He said that he thought my mind was broken. He said he thought I may be sexually dormant. He then would say that he thinks i’m a good person and that i’m the safer alternative. He called me a good distraction. He wanted me to still come up. But that was a fleeting thought. He said friendship would be hard, and that I was doing everything I could to avoid a relationship with Lainey. Then he pitched the idea of me being with Lainey exclusively, while he’s with Lainey exclusively. Like we wouldn’t be doing sexual things together. I still declined because 1. he had spent so much time invalidating MY feelings on the matter, attacking my personality, pressuring me, etc. and 2. I also knew that that wasn’t what they wanted, and I told him that we would still hit that road block of me wanting exclusiveness. He had said in a previous conversation that it was like him and Lainey were on an island and I had a boat, but I wouldn’t throw them a life line because I wasn’t the right boat. Said that they didn’t know what they were going to do about Billie, because Lainey was talking about bringing her back I guess at that time? He told me to stop responding, because I was just making it worse.All while I’m feeling like a shitty person, like I really did hurt them. I felt so terrible about myself over the whole situation. Not shortly after, Greg posts a video with Billie. I was immediately enraged. I felt so used. Lainey then texted me, but only to say hey. We didn’t talk about the situation. They would stop texting me randomly and then text me again randomly. Now I’m blocked, and all of this has come to light. I didn’t know people knew it was me. I didn’t know there was a tumblr with people talking about me. I thought only a select few people knew. But I was wrong, and now it’s all out in the open.

You’ve probably seen me mentioning Haylee’s name again today, and that is because this morning - along with Ayallah (Billie’s best friend) and Lane (whose story I will explain to you next) - Haylee came forward to expose more of the disgusting things that Greg said and did to her during their association. This was the screenshot that she released today:

Now, to explain this last part about Lane and Sarah. This is a bit complicated and interwoven, so I’m going to explain about both of them at the same time. I already wrote a super long post explaining Sarah’s origin story the other day, so I’m just going to copypaste the relevant parts of that, explain how Lane is part of it, and then tie all of this together with the relevance of how this info about Sarah involves Lane, Billie, Ayallah, and Haylee.

Lainey met Sarah online about four years ago, when Lainey was 20 and Sarah was 14. People started speaking up out of concern right away after perusing some of the public conversations between the two on Twitter and realizing how much of it was sexual in nature, such as Lainey joking about how Sarah’s grooming was coming along nicely. The two of them seemed to be flirting (or, at the very least, having conversations that were not normal for a 20-year-old woman to be having with a 14-year-old girl), and given Greg’s past history with having a clear sexual preference for teenage girls, people were rightfully concerned about what could be going on between them.

The drama surrounding this relationship exploded when Sarah, now 15, began popping up in videos with Greg, Lainey, Billie, and Ayallah. The Avaroes began catching a lot of flack for this online - I remember the time very well; in between the period of Greg’s tumultuous and highly dramatic public relationship with Shiloh in 2011, and the period in late 2015 when an online journalist wrote an article about Greg rating the bodies of underage girls (which predated all of their drama with Billie), I don’t think I can recall any other incident in that time that they caught more criticism for. Lainey specified repeatedly in YouNow livestreams that she had parental guardianship over Sarah at the time - not Greg, not Sarah’s mother or father, but Lainey herself. Click here if you want to watch that stream.

Sometime in 2016, a couple of really creepy things happened in very quick succession that eventually led to the very dramatic events that transpired earlier today. At this point, Greg and Lainey had a whole host of people living in their home: aside from themselves and their young son (Lainey was heavily pregnant with their daughter at the time), they were also playing host to Billie (their polyamorous girlfriend), Ayallah (Billie’s best friend), and Sarah (Lainey’s 15-year-old best friend, whom she also had legal guardianship over at the time). Just for the curious, here’s a picture of the four of them together, minus Lainey (who would’ve been cooking/cleaning/taking care of their kid at the time). From left to right is Sarah, Billie, Greg, and Ayallah.

The first big thing that happened was that, towards the end of this year - after being mistreated by Greg and Lainey for so long - Billie (with the support of her friend Ayallah) decided to come forward about Greg, and released their text messages to the public. As I explained earlier, this had a cascading effect where he suddenly lost enormous swaths of fans, and his popularity has never recovered to this day.

The second big thing that happened was that one of Lainey’s most dedicated superfans, a 16-year-old girl named Lane, saw what Greg had done and was currently doing to Billie, and decided to come out in her support. Greg, Lainey, and Sarah were extremely angry about this, and felt that she’d “betrayed” them; and so Greg fucked up once again by making a series of tweets talking about how Lane was “stalking” and “harassing” Lainey and Sarah, in a transparent attempt to sicc his fans on her. Lane, hurt that Greg was going to such lengths to sabotage her (and after being wrongly told that Lainey and Sarah were on a YouNow livestream talking shit about her), Lane decided to come forward with some of the information she knew about what had transpired in the Avaroe household, and dropped the bombshell that everyone had suspected but didn’t have any way to prove: that Sarah had told Lane that she was in love with Lainey, that Greg had told her repeatedly that he thought she and Lainey should date, and that Sarah had expressed repeated interest in becoming a member of the triad (as in, she wanted to be included during the times when Greg, Lainey, and Billie were having sexual trysts together). Sarah did admit that she remembered Greg telling her that he thought she should date Lainey, but Greg threw her under the bus and denied it all, claiming that he had told Sarah repeatedly that there would never be any romantic or sexual interest between herself and Sarah.

A couple of months ago, right before Sarah turned 18, she had been sitting in their living on a yoga ball when Greg walked past her and made a sexual comment that creeped her out: “Dat booty doe.” I’m not sure why it creeped her out so much considering how much interest she expressed in becoming a member of the triad, but she was disturbed enough to go to Lainey about it, and told her how uncomfortable it made her feel.

Instead of defending her 17-year-old best friend from her sexual predator of a husband Lainey instead tattled on her, and told Greg what Sarah had said: and just a few days later she was given a plane ticket and sent back home, never to return to the Avaroes’ house again.. until last week.

Now 18 years old and fully legal, there was a lot of speculation about the nature of Sarah and Lainey’s relationship, especially now that Greg is seemingly incapable of finding a new trinity member now that he’s been outed so thoroughly as an abusive predator with hebephilic tendencies. None of it was confirmed until earlier today when Ayallah and Lane confirmed without a doubt everything that the anti-O community has suspected all along about the nature Greg and Lainey’s relationship with Sarah: which is that, to one extent or another, they have been grooming this 14-year-old to one day be primed to enter a sexual relationship with two grown adults who at one point acted as her legal guardians, and who hold an enormous amount of psychological and financial power over her. While they were rescuing her from an abusive home life where she was being sexually abused and neglected by drug-abusing parents, feeding and housing her and clothing her and pretending to care, they were also taking advantage of her feelings of gratitude and friendship and inability to correctly interpret those as a confused teenage abuse victim with a mental illness (borderline personality disorder), leaving her in a position to be highly susceptible to emotional manipulation on their part, and primed to one day be ripe to benefit themselves and their own perverted sexual needs.

Here’s what Ayallah said about it:

I hope all of this answers some of your questions about who Sarah, Billie, Ayallah, Lane, and Haylee are. There are a lot of other peripheral characters in Greg and Lainey’s life too (like Madison and Maya), but these are the main ones right now. Feel free to message me if you feel like you need more clarification, I’d be happy to explain.

#onision #lainybot #sarah #ayallah #billie #lane #luxymoo #haylee

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panharmonium · 4 years

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you can be my ride or die: a staggeringly long essay about a deceptively short appearance

(aka, pan’s personal depository of notes about prince william of ealdor.)

now that my fic is long since done and posted, i can finally transfer this monster piece of meta out of my google docs and onto my blog, where it can serve as an unasked-for, absurdly detailed, beginning-to-end analysis of my obscure fave.

(whose line ‘yeah, and i’m prince william, of ealdor’ is still the funniest damn shit i’ve ever heard and also the most shocking burn arthur has ever received; i hope he thinks of it sometimes and remembers that humility is a virtue)

(the BRISTLING DISRESPECT! the ZERO FUCKS GIVEN! i love him! please can someone else talk to arthur like this! he needs it!)

disclaimer before we begin: i wrote this over a year ago, as a character check for myself during the very early stages of working on my fic. i kept messily adding bits to it over the course of a couple weeks as i explored what i knew about this character and who i understood him to be, but at the time, i didn’t intend on posting it; it was just prep work for my own story-making. it’s still essentially just a record of my train of thought as i pieced this character together - i’ve cleaned it up a bit now and added some recent links to make it more coherent, but it was never meant to be a posted essay, just a collection of notes for myself.

be forewarned, it is more comprehensive than the things i’ve written about this character since, and it goes on for years. if you are not interested in many, many pages of super heavy in-depth musings about a character who appeared in one episode, now is the time to scroll on by. i promise i won’t mind in the slightest; i wrote this for my own purposes and don’t really expect people to read it - i’m posting it just to have it archived with the rest of my merlin stuff.

if you are interested in that sort of thing, however - hit the jump, and off we go!

i really love the episode where we meet will, though i’ve started to love it for new reasons since the first time i watched it.

the first time i watched season 1, 'the moment of truth’ was my favorite S1 episode overall, because it was the first time the Fab Four went off on an adventure together, and that was very exciting; and i also loved it because all the character stuff in that episode was so good; and i also loved it because look, all of us are suckers for that classic seven samurai plot, you know - i loved it in TCW, i loved it in the mandalorian, i loved it in merlin. not gonna get bored of ‘simple farmers defend their homes with pitchforks’ anytime soon. it is overall just a solid, self-contained plot with clear emotional arcs, and it sticks its landing well. it’s a simple, strong story.

nowadays, though, i also love it because of will.

i. will whomst?

prince william of ealdor, that’s who!

will straddles a kind of weird place in canon, because he feels like a minor character to the audience but is very much not a minor character for merlin, who has known will much longer than the brief hour we get to spend with him and who has spent his entire life with will as his sole friend.

but, because will only appears once - let’s start with a round-up. what do we actually know about him?

he’s a peasant farmer from ealdor, like merlin

his father was killed fighting for king cenred (as a foot soldier - these people are not wealthy enough or high-status enough to afford or be accepted into the knighthood)

his mother is either dead or absent

he’s painfully class conscious and doesn’t trust the nobility

he’s a “troublemaker” (the interpretation of which is...well, it’s left to the viewer’s discretion. fandom seems to jump to ‘fun mischief and pranks,’ though i personally don’t get that vibe from this episode. “troublemaker” in will’s case seems to mean more “doesn’t know how to keep his head down/can’t go along to get along to save his life.” it means when he sees something that he thinks is Wrong, he absolutely will not shut up about it even when all his neighbors are sick of him and want him to just let it go. it means he can’t stop rocking the boat even when rocking the boat makes everybody want to strangle him.)

he supplements his agricultural pursuits with carpentry. you can see in his house big piles of hewn timber along one wall, as well as a grindstone and a shaving horse, and when he comes out of his house on two separate occasions he’s holding woodworking tools (mallet, chisel, etc)

he knows about merlin’s magic - for how long this has been the case, we’re not told. it doesn’t feel like a new thing to me, but ultimately that’s guesswork.

he appears to have just one friend

that one friend is merlin

will loves merlin enough to die lying for him

merlin left will behind.

ii. it wasn’t what i wanted

so let’s talk about that.

merlin is asked “why did you leave?” twice in this episode, first by arthur and then by will. he gives completely contradictory answers to the two of them, and it’s worth remembering, before examining both responses, that one answer is inherently more honest than the other, because merlin is only able to tell the whole truth to one of these people.

so when merlin talks to arthur, it goes like this:

“why did you leave?”

“things just...changed.”

“how?”

*silence*

“come on, stop pretending to be interesting and tell me.”

“i just didn’t fit in anymore. i wanted to find somewhere I did.”

arthur has to drag this answer out of merlin, and it’s not because merlin doesn’t feel like sharing (i mean, come on, we know merlin; merlin wants to be in everybody’s business and he feeds off human connection like a starving man; he’d be thrilled that arthur was interested in his life) - the problem isn’t that he’s shy; it’s that he’s not exactly telling the truth and he’s trying to figure out how to do it in the least deceptive way possible.

i just didn’t fit in anymore. i wanted to find somewhere i did.

that’s nice.

it’s also a lie.

it’s not a total lie, of course - there’s an element of it that becomes true, after merlin gets to camelot and realizes that working for arthur is “not totally horrible all the time” - that he sort of likes the excitement, and the newness, and being somewhere where nobody knows him and nobody will judge him - but that’s the reason he stays in camelot, not the reason he leaves ealdor.

by contrast, when will asks the question, merlin gives a completely different answer:

“why did you leave?”

“it wasn’t what I wanted. mother was worried. when she found out you knew - she was so angry.”

it wasn’t what I wanted.

can we digest that for a moment?

merlin didn’t want to leave home.

not that he isn’t enjoying himself in camelot now, of course - which he conveniently doesn’t mention in this conversation, because will is upset with him and merlin feels guilty that he’s been off enjoying his new life while will has been struggling at home alone - but at the point of departure, merlin didn’t want to go.

his answer to arthur about finding a place where he belonged is certain-point-of-view bunk. he didn’t just up and decide that he wanted to run off and find a place where he fit in better. he didn’t leave because he wanted to escape a place he didn’t belong. he didn’t set off in search of adventure and a new life. it’s true that he didn’t feel like he fit in in ealdor, but that’s not what sent him packing. he left because his mother found out that will knew about his magic, and she panicked and sent him away.

iii. why did you leave

most fannish things i’ve encountered tend to interpret merlin’s departure in a much more generous light than i do, with merlin explaining to will that he’s leaving and will being unhappy about it but eventually understanding and kind of like...giving his blessing before merlin goes. this is fine, of course, but it did surprise me, when i started dipping my toes into fandom, because i never interpreted events in this episode like that, and i don’t think it’s even a plausible read, not from the conversations we’re actually given. the antipathy that accompanies merlin’s return doesn’t make sense under those circumstances, and moreover, from the way things actually unfold in this episode, we’re told, in order, the following three things:

1) the fact that will asks “why did you leave” tells us that he and merlin did not discuss it prior to the point of departure. there’s no other reason for will to ask this question. everything about will’s tone and body language in this scene indicates that he’s been stewing over this for a long time, that he doesn’t understand, that this is something profoundly difficult for him to address. and while it might be nicer to think that merlin sat down and discussed things with will before leaving for camelot, that’s not the inference we’re being asked to make here.

2) there is absolutely no way they wouldn’t have discussed it, if will had known that merlin was going to leave. like - if your only friend in the world told you they were moving to another country tomorrow, there’s no way “why?” wouldn’t be the first question you asked. there’s no way you wouldn’t have that discussion, at the most basic level, before separating. it just wouldn’t happen.

3) so, given that information, the unfortunate, inescapable conclusion is this: will didn’t know merlin was going to leave. merlin left without telling him.

everyone is free to continue to headcanon this in their own ways, of course. but this is what we’re actually being told.

iv. we don’t want your kind round here

the fact that merlin vanishes without so much as a word to his best friend goes a long way towards explaining why merlin is so uncomfortable when he first sees will in the street.

when they first encounter each other, merlin looks so apprehensive and wary, and the writers are playing it like ‘uh-oh, someone saw him use magic and now he’s nervous about it!!!’ but two seconds later, you realize that this can’t possibly be what’s causing merlin’s concern, because it’s made immediately clear that will already knows about merlin’s magic and isn’t going to say anything about it.

merlin isn’t afraid of being outed, in this scene. but he might, however, be afraid of the reception he’s going to get, given what we just discussed.

merlin just up and disappeared from home, and not so much as a letter since - we know will’s had a secondhand update, probably from hunith (“how’ve you been?! i hear you’re skivvying for some prince”) but he very clearly hasn’t had any direct contact with merlin since before merlin left.

merlin knows this was a big fuck-up. he feels guilty.

(and to be clear - i think there is a lot to be said about just how merlin’s departure unfolded, and what stopped him from getting in touch. it’s a complicated enough topic for its own piece, and it’s not quite within the scope of this essay, but suffice it to say for now that i don’t believe it stemmed from deliberate thoughtlessness or callousness on merlin’s part; it’s...deeper and more complicated than that. honestly, i think merlin looks back on this as like...the first major mistake he ever made in his life, his...original sin, sort of. and i don’t think he’s ever forgiven himself for it, either, but again, that’s a story for another day.) the point here is that merlin didn’t necessarily want to cause harm, but he knew that’s what he was doing regardless - he knew that leaving without a word was the wrong thing to do. and in this moment he feels rightfully guilty about all of it, and he’s afraid that his friend won’t welcome him home.

merlin’s moment of uncertainty is real, when will pretends to greet him with hostility. merlin is afraid that will is angry with him for leaving him behind.

(and let’s not kid ourselves, will definitely is)

it’s a festering thing that keeps boiling to the surface as we progress through the episode. it shows in the way will finally asks why did you leave, avoiding merlin’s eyes, the question laden with vulnerability. it’s in the exchange “are you going to abandon them?”/“what, like you did?” there’s real pain there, and confusion, lots of hurt feelings.

but.

despite all of that, will doesn’t freeze merlin out, when merlin comes riding back into town. merlin is rightfully afraid that will might not want to see him, afraid that “we don’t want your kind round here” might be less of a joke than it ought to be. and while all of the troubles that merlin is worried about are absolutely real and poised to cause friction later, the truth is that at that exact moment, when merlin comes walking up the road - none of it matters. will has been nursing a collection of hurt feelings for months now, yeah, but in the immediate moment, when it comes down to it - he puts them aside.

they both do. nerves, guilty thoughts, bruised feelings - they temporarily abandon all of that in favor of a momentary joy. you can see how excited they are when they reunite. how they start smiling at the same time. how they laugh their way into that hug. they’re so happy to see each other.

people get pretty worked up about ***That Time Arthur Finally Hugged Merlin!!!***, but i don’t know. i think it matters to remember that merlin had people who knew how to hold him long before arthur was even a flicker of a shadow in merlin’s mind.

v. why are you being like this

so they reunite!

and then they fight. D:

but what really matters is how they fight, because even when they’re having an argument, they never let things escalate quite to the level of interpersonal nastiness, certainly never to the level of cruelty for cruelty’s sake - just a few hard truths and a pile of hurt feelings:

“i trust arthur with my life.”

“is that so? so he knows your secret, then?”

...

“face it, merlin, you’re living a lie, just like you were here. you’re arthur’s servant, nothing more. otherwise you’d tell him the truth.”

the delivery in this scene is essential for understanding how these two interact with each other. it’s so telling. merlin and will are having an argument, and will is angry about everything we’ve already discussed, and on top of that, some prince is trying to round up a bunch of will’s neighbors for a fight that’s going to get a lot of people killed, and will sounds so sharp when he’s talking, up to and including the challenging “is that so?”

but then when he sees that he’s touched a nerve there and merlin knows he’s right, his voice drops those edges and goes gentler, regretful, like - he and merlin aren’t all hunky-dory right now, but he’s not out to rub merlin’s face in it, either. he’s not trying to “get back” at merlin for leaving him. he’s not like...happy that merlin’s situation is shitty.

vi. if i broke it (would you quit?)

we mostly only see these two in a tense season. they’re arguing with each other for almost the entire episode, and yet even in this at-odds state, there are little things that remind us of what they’re usually like - that they don’t want to be arguing, that this isn’t a natural at-rest state for them, that this isn’t what they’re used to. they butt heads, but they keep swinging around back to each other, and trying again, and trying again, and trying again. they never write each other off. they keep trying to make it work.

examples: merlin asking “why are you being like this?,” the implication being that will isn’t usually like this, that this isn’t how they usually act around each other. the two of them together in the background of arthur’s pitiful training session, coming right off the tail-end of another argument and busying themselves with their own work, but still reflexively hanging in each other’s orbit. merlin, even in the middle of a strained conversation, helping clean up the mess that the bandits made of will’s house, without asking or being asked, like it’s just the automatic, reflexive, natural thing to do. merlin using will’s proper name when discussing him with other people, but always the diminutive when they’re talking to each other. merlin following will every time will walks away; will doing the same when merlin’s the one who’s leaving. that moment up in the hedgerow, with will’s embittered “you know why,” which sets them to arguing again, except instead of it pushing them apart, it pulls them closer together - will climbs right up into the hedge where merlin is standing so they can sit next to each other and talk.

like. he’s angry! but the instinct isn’t to storm away, it’s to get closer.

i love that so much. i love how they’re starting to have another argument and merlin stands there and says “why are you being like this,” to which will, already upset, responds “you know why,” BUT -

but

will stalks up into that hedge and plops himself down right next to merlin, and merlin, without a moment’s hesitation, sits down beside him.

i love that. they’re angry with each other, but their first instinct is still to close the distance.

i wonder, sometimes, how much of that is a function of them only having each other. when you’re on the outs with someone, usually you can lean on your other friends, but what can they do? it’s different when the person you usually seek out for comfort is the same person who’s pissing you off. you don’t have anyone else to run to, so you can’t ever really storm off. you have to learn how to hash things out. you have to learn how to make it work. you have to learn not to give up on each other.

vii. she was so angry

the implied backstory for how merlin actually ended up in camelot is so painfully fascinating and, quite frankly, wrenching to think about, given how this episode eventually ends.

when will asks merlin why he left, merlin tells him, “it wasn’t what i wanted. my mother was worried. when she found out you knew - she was so angry.” this is telling us that merlin’s departure for camelot was directly preceded by his mother discovering that will knew about merlin’s magic. that is what ultimately prompted her to send merlin off to camelot. of course there would have been other contributing factors - it’s evident that merlin’s situation in ealdor has always been precarious - but her immediate reason for sending him away was the fact that she found out that will knew about merlin’s magic, and she was angry and afraid to learn that merlin had been lying to her about something that put him at risk.

“i wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“i know you wouldn’t.”

but merlin’s mother didn’t believe that, or she wouldn’t listen to him when he tried to tell her, and she shipped him off to camelot anyway, despite the fact that camelot is arguably more dangerous for merlin than ealdor ever was.

the web of how this played out is such a tangled mess. is it my fault, thinks will, before the episode even starts, desperately trying to figure out why merlin would abandon him like that. it’s my fault, thinks merlin, at the end, knowing that if he had used his magic sooner, or come back alone, events would have unfolded differently. it’s my fault, thinks hunith, realizing that the particular fear upon which she based merlin’s entire departure was utterly unfounded.

merlin doesn’t blame her for it, even though he has reason enough to be angry about it, by the end of this episode. he understands that she was just trying to protect him. but the truth of the matter is that she did make a mistake. she was afraid for him, and she saw danger everywhere, and so she made a misjudgment.

it’s the miniest of mini-arcs, but it’s there. at the end of this episode, right after will drops the Big Damn Lie, merlin looks desperately around for the only other person in the room who understands, and the camera rests on hunith’s face for one lingering moment, as she realizes what’s happening. when she’s exiting the house, there’s a shot where she pauses for a minute on her way out the door, staring back at her son's dying friend, who just offered himself up as a willing sacrifice to keep merlin’s secret safe.

she and merlin are the only people in the room who understand the real import of that moment, the real meaning of that gesture. they’re the only ones who know what’s happening, what it really means for will to say “i did it.”

hunith knows she misjudged that kid big-time.

viii. you can be my ride or die

so. will.

why am i even interested in him? what is it about this character that makes me want to write about him?

number one: i love him because he’s the only person we ever meet who cares exclusively about merlin.

everyone else merlin has met up until this point is either a) as beholden to camelot and arthur as merlin is himself, or b) aware of merlin’s “destiny,” which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but does change the way people talk to him and treat him.

it’s not that merlin doesn’t have people who care about him, but those relationships are not the same as the one he has with will. merlin is obviously #1 in his mom’s life, of course - but, importantly, even hunith’s immediate reaction to merlin’s uncertainty at the end of 1.10 is to tell him that he has to go back to camelot, that arthur needs him, that he’s “the other side of a coin.” this despite the fact that hunith has known arthur for all of five minutes and that merlin, in the moment where she talks to him, is in a lot of pain, and maybe it isn’t the most appropriate moment say, ‘hey, you absolutely must devote yourself to that guy i literally just watched lecture you about the evils of magic while attending your (supposedly magical) dead best friend’s funeral.’

and when it comes to merlin’s camelot network, well - he’s #1 in gaius’s life, too, but gaius also is deeply concerned with the greater good, with the future emergence of albion, with what merlin is meant to become and do. morgana and arthur - well, they don’t know merlin, first of all (really know him, all of him, the important bits) - they definitely like him well enough, and care about him in their way, but ultimately they’re royalty or pseudo-royalty and they have priorities that go beyond merlin, who, at the end of the day, is still a servant. gwen comes the closest to being on merlin’s level, but she doesn’t know him-know him either, and as time goes on she gets more involved with the Crown, with arthur, and with the responsibilities all of that brings. even merlin’s later friends all go on to have other missions - they absolutely all love him, but they all become knights, and they are as concerned about the well-being of the realm and the king as merlin is. even merlin HIMSELF puts arthur’s life ahead of his own - he defines his worth by how well he can protect his prince.

but will is the only person we ever meet who just cares about merlin - merlin the regular person, not the servant he pretends to be, or the legend he’s supposed to become. not the fake, non-magical merlin facade (which is what almost everyone else needs merlin to be before they can condescend to be his friend) and not some destiny-laden figure out of prophecy, either. will doesn’t know anything about destiny or prophecies. he’s never needed to know about any of that stuff to care. he’s always liked merlin. just merlin. just as he is.

that matters. all merlin ever does in this show is deny himself or be denied of the things every regular human being needs to thrive - love, acceptance, truth, safety. he constantly puts or is forced to put other priorities ahead of his own interests, to a point where now, by season five, he’s spent years defending a regime that oppresses him, protecting kings who would execute him.

will, in a display of true-to-character contrariness, upsets that entire narrative, because he does not care one whit about any of the things for which merlin is supposed to sacrifice his life. will gives less than zero (count them: negative zero) fucks about arthur pendragon, and he doesn’t care about camelot, and he wouldn’t know what “albion” meant if he heard the word. and it is refreshing - a blessed, beautiful, heartbreaking relief - to see one person in the world who only cares about merlin, for whom arthur pendragon, in comparison with merlin, isn’t the slightest bit important. arthur isn’t even on the map. he’s a non-entity. he doesn’t exist.

it’s a complete inversion of the way things are supposed to go, in this story. you know how it goes - arthur is the once and future king, and merlin’s job is to usher in his reign. "maybe that is its purpose,” gaius says, about merlin’s magic being meant to protect arthur, about merlin being born this way for that particular reason. it’s merlin’s job to save arthur’s life. it’s merlin’s job to teach arthur to be a better person, at his own expense. it’s all for arthur. i give my life for arthur’s. his life is worth a hundred of mine. what is the life of a servant compared with that of a prince?

will delivers the biggest fuck-you to that entire framework, because he doesn’t assess merlin’s worth based on what merlin can do for some random prince on the other side of the border. merlin’s magic wasn’t purposed for anything, as far as will is concerned. it doesn’t need to justify itself. it just is. it’s just who merlin is.

and who merlin is has always been just fine.

ix. am i the only one wondering who the hell this is

for will, it’s people like arthur who need to justify themselves. arthur with all of his power, arthur riding into little villages with his sword drawn, arthur and his bossing around and his “now, merlin!” conversation-interrupting. will makes no allowances for wealth and couldn’t be less interested in royalty - his frame of reference isn’t you’re the once and future king and merlin exists to prop you up; it’s who the hell are you? what gives you the right to be here? what did you do to earn what you have?

will, like gwaine after him, is acutely aware of the injustice of the reigning social system, and he’s not afraid to throw it in arthur’s face. he knows that people like himself and merlin and all of their neighbors are unjustly disadvantaged from birth until death, and he knows they’re disadvantaged solely because the people at the top of the social chain are greedy lords who sow no seed but reap all the grain, who do no work but enjoy the greatest rewards, who steal from the people with impunity and call it divine entitlement. will knows that he and merlin and all of their neighbors are considered no better than plow-beasts or war-fodder, and he knows that there is absolutely nothing they can do to stop the nobility from either taxing them into starvation or sending them off to die in a ditch - which makes him impossibly angry, and, unlike everybody else in his village, he’s not shy about saying so.

will is, at this point, literally the first non-villain to look at arthur and not immediately see some messianic pinnacle of human greatness - which is refreshing, to be honest, and fair enough besides! he’s evaluating arthur from merlin’s side of things, after all, which nobody - including merlin - ever does, and while i love arthur as much as anybody - for the people’s hero that he could be, and for what he is, sometimes, if not frequently enough - the truth is that he’s not good for all of his people, not yet, and he’s not good for merlin, not the way things stand right now.

will knows that. he looks at arthur and sees a guy with a lot of power, who also happens to rule over the the least magic-friendly place in the five kingdoms, to whom merlin needs to lie in order to avoid the executioner’s block, and he sees merlin deluding himself into thinking that this supremely unequal, extremely unsafe situation counts as friendship.

now, is will’s assessment of the situation a snap judgment based on personal encounters with an unjust social system and very limited knowledge of arthur as a person? yes, definitely. are there nuances to merlin and arthur’s relationship that he’s missing? absolutely.

is he wrong?

not really. and merlin knows it.

x. friends don’t lord it over one another!

i think about that line every damn episode.

over and over again, it comes back to me. i hear it every time arthur gets On His Shit and invokes power he pretends not to have, every time i see more evidence of how this supposed “friendship” between him and merlin is inherently imbalanced. it’s my favorite thing will says in all of 1.10, because it is so true and yet, most of the time, so unacknowledged as a dynamic.

we’re meant to love arthur and merlin together, and we do - i do; i do; when i see those moments that approach true mutual respect and care between them i am as swept up by the potential beauty of this friendship as anyone - but i still think about this line all the time. it’s not right, the power dynamic between the two of them. it’s not just about servants vs. royalty, though of course that’s a structural part of how it plays out. it’s about the fact that, in a real friendship, one person can’t just whip out “you ever say anything like that again, and i swear you’ll join her in exile forever” to shut down a conversation and cow you into silence. one person can’t just throw you in jail to spend a night “cooling off,” and they definitely can’t arrest you whenever someone levels a random accusation at you. in a real friendship, it’s not one person who has all the power.

but when it comes to arthur and merlin, that’s exactly what happens. arthur gets to decide when he and merlin are and aren’t friends. arthur gets to call merlin in or send him away. arthur gets to make all the decisions about when to listen, when to ignore, when to trust, when to believe. merlin can nudge, encourage, suggest, even defy, but ultimately, when you get right down to it, arthur is the king, and merlin is his servant, a dynamic which is compounded by the deadly particulars of merlin’s situation. the relationship isn’t unequal solely because of a difference in social class, it’s unequal because arthur literally has the power of life and death over merlin. arthur could (and would, as far as merlin knows) have merlin executed any day of the week, if he found out who merlin really was.

that’s why when merlin tries to tell will that arthur is his friend, will snaps, “friends don’t lord it over one another!” it’s not that you can’t care about someone who has more power than you, and it’s not that you can’t have some kind of relationship with them, but it is not real friendship if you think your “friend” will kill you when they find out who you really are. it is not a real friendship if you have to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to preserve the relationship. real friends don’t leverage impossible amounts of power to shut you up when you say something they don’t want to hear. real friends don’t say things like “you’ll be a friend for life if you do [x thing]” to convince you to lie to their dad while they go out with a girl and thus get you clapped in the stocks three times in a row, and then turn around and show their appreciation by letting people raid and ransack your house multiple times, throwing you in jail at least twice, accusing (and once nearly executing!) your loyal long-serving mentor more than once - among innumerable other issues. real friends aren’t “you’re my friend when i need you to be, but not when it’s inconvenient.” they don’t have the kind of power to turn things on and off whenever they want.

i love that will is the only person who ever acknowledges this, across five seasons of this show. i love that he spits it out immediately, without hesitation, the minute merlin tries to makes things sound better than they are. i love that he says it unapologetically, to merlin’s face, because he says it for merlin’s sake, after all - the point of saying ‘friends don’t lord it over one another’ is to say ‘that guy doesn’t appreciate you the way you appreciate him/this isn’t reciprocal and he’s taking advantage of you/this isn’t the friendship you want it to be and i don’t like seeing you settle for this.’ will is that friend who watches you interact with someone and then later gets in your business like ‘EXCUSE ME! I DO NOT LIKE HOW HE TALKS TO YOU! I DON’T LIKE HOW HE TREATS YOU!'

will knows that merlin deserves better than arthur pendragon, even when merlin himself won’t concede that point. merlin won’t advocate for himself, so will tries to do it for him. merlin can try to convince himself that arthur is a real friend all he wants, but will knows what’s up. he knows. he knows where this is going, if merlin’s relationship with arthur is allowed to continue on exactly as-is. will knows, from the very beginning, that this is a recipe for disaster.

[addendum 2020: speaking from a post season-5 perspective...will understood where merlin and arthur were headed long before even we the audience did.]

xi. friends don’t lord it over one another [reprise]

you know what real friends do do for each other, though?

a) listen - even when they don’t like what the other person is saying

b) care - even when they’re angry

that’s it. that’s what matters.

we don’t need more than an hour of watching will and merlin onscreen together to see that this is how they interact with each other. they’re arguing for most of this episode, and they’re both right, in different ways, but by the time they’ve had it out with one another, they both understand where their own arguments were wrong, too. they listen to each other despite the fact that they’re angry, and despite the fact that they both have very strong feelings about their respective positions. they care enough about each other to look past their personal injuries and accept where the other person is coming from.

merlin starts off this episode absolutely dead-set against using his magic to help ealdor, if there’s any chance arthur could find out about it. but later, before he and will have even officially reconciled onscreen, we can already see that he’s been listening to what will’s been saying, that he’s come around to will’s way of thinking, because he tells his mother “if it comes down to a choice between revealing who i truly am and saving lives - that’s no choice at all,” hearkening back to will’s “are you telling me you’d rather keep your magic a secret for arthur’s sake than use it to protect your friends and family?” and: “if arthur doesn’t accept me for who i am...well...then he’s not the friend i hoped he was” (you’re arthur’s servant, nothing more. otherwise you’d tell him the truth.)

merlin has been listening the whole time, even if he didn’t like what will was saying.

and the same goes for will, too. he’s (understandably!) bitter about merlin’s situation, about the way merlin left, about the new life merlin built for himself while will was suffering in a confused limbo of abandonment at home - and will also obviously thinks the Farmers’ Resistance is a total disaster, a noble-spun farce that’s going to get good people killed - but even though he doesn’t trust the camelot contingent and couldn’t give fewer shits about prince arthur pendragon specifically, he trusts merlin. he listens to merlin, even though they’ve been fighting. he comes back because merlin keeps telling him it’s the right thing to do.

they both listen, even when it seems like they’re just arguing with each other. and they both acknowledge where the other person was right, even when it means making themselves vulnerable. will comes back to help his neighbors fight a battle against hopeless odds. merlin exposes his magic to save people’s lives.

they teach each other how to do the right thing. they make each other brave.

xii. you just saved my life

let’s talk about being brave, then.

this kid jumps in front of a crossbow for a guy he doesn’t even like.

can we be clear about that? will doesn’t even LIKE arthur. he doesn’t particularly care about him. he doesn’t accept him as the noble savior of all mankind. he isn’t interested in defending the nobility, and he certainly hasn’t jumped on the camelot bandwagon. just because he’s seen that arthur wasn’t planning on sending them all to their deaths without risking his own neck doesn’t mean will is suddenly going to start flying the pendragon crest from atop his house.

but he isn’t going to step back and let a coward shoot another man in the back, either.

arthur’s still a prince, yeah. arthur’s still sitting at the tip-top of an unjust social system, benefitting from all kinds of privileges he didn’t earn. arthur’s still a crappy friend to merlin. heck, two seconds before that crossbow gets fired, arthur’s gone full-on inquisition-mode, interrogating merlin about sorcery, which, given that arthur can just go ahead and have merlin executed with a snap of his fingers, isn’t a great way to earn will’s respect or trust.

but you know what? when it comes down to it, will’s automatic, reflexive reaction upon seeing someone in immediate danger is to Get In The Way.

it doesn’t matter that will doesn’t like arthur. it doesn’t even matter that he actively dislikes arthur. will doesn’t even think about it, he just moves. instinctively. automatically. he isn’t going to let anyone standing right in front of him get murdered with their back turned, no matter how much he can’t stand them.

let’s all take a second to remember and acknowledge something in arthur’s stead, since i’m not sure arthur will do it himself - arthur pendragon would have been dead right there if it weren’t for a dirt-poor peasant farmer from cenred’s kingdom who never had anything nice to say to a prince but still stepped between a pendragon and a crossbow in the name of doing the right thing. without will, the story would have ended in season 1, episode 10. albion itself owes its future existence to a young man with no surname who will never be acknowledged or recognized for anything he did, not for teaching the future king a lesson in humility, not for saving the prince’s life, and certainly not for the greatest and most noble move he ever made, because that gesture’s success is predicated upon its remaining a secret.

this kid saves the entire World That Will Be. the show would have ended before it ever really began, if not for our man prince william of ealdor.

merlin knows that, and merlin never forgets it. but i’m not so sure about everyone else.

xiii. yeah, don’t know what i was thinking

let’s talk about defiance.

this kid is dying, and he’s still full of piss and vinegar. when arthur says, wide-eyed, “you’re a sorcerer,” will responds, “yeah. what are you going to do, kill me?”

what a power move. what a thing to say.

that’s not a question. that is a no-fucks-given, shame-and-blame challenge.

what are you going to do, kill me?

merlin uses those exact same words during his confrontation with morgana in 3.02. when he’s trapped - when he’s cornered and betrayed and angry - he reaches for the kind of defiance he once saw exercised on his own behalf, for a shameless bravery that burned itself into his brain. for the kind of strength he wants to channel himself.

when it comes to holding your ground in front of the pendragon dynasty, merlin learned from the best.

xiv. and i’m prince william, of ealdor

let’s talk about names.

william: from wil (will or determination) and helm (protection, a helm)

hence the common translation of resolute protector.

which, given the events of 1.10, seems very fitting.

xv. i did it

let’s talk about lies.

because resolute protector rings even more powerfully true when it comes to merlin than it does for arthur.

at the time of this writing, i have four more episodes to watch before i’m done with season 5. at this point, at the end of the show, merlin’s magic is still a secret. merlin’s gotten involved in a lot of dangerous situations, risking his life in other ways, but the one danger he’s never had to really confront is the executioner’s block, because none of the pendragons know his secret.

and the reason none of the pendragons know his secret is thanks to our boy prince william of ealdor, who turns his own untimely death into a last-second rescue operation by telling the Biggest Damn Lie of his life and then doubling down on it when merlin tries to tell him no.

will is the one who secures merlin’s next five years of relative safety. not from all of life’s dangers, of course; no one can do that - but when it comes to merlin’s greatest fear, the worst outcome, the prospect of being dragged out of his home in chains and murdered in front of an ogling crowd for just existing - will buys merlin’s escape from that fate with his life. merlin remains hidden and unexposed to this very day because will died protecting his secret, because will lied to the prince of magic-hunting and invited upon himself all of the risk and scorn and danger and condemnation that a false confession like that entailed.

i honestly don’t know how to express clearly enough the enormity of that moment. the momentousness of that gesture. i called it a bold and tremendous lie in some other post somewhere, and i don’t know how else to capture what it was. the thought of what it would mean, to be merlin, and to see someone throw themselves on the block for your sake, for your safety and your future and your freedom, when the rest of the world and every message you’ve ever absorbed says you don’t deserve to be safe, you don’t deserve to be free, you don’t deserve to exist.

it is impossible to overstate how much that matters. merlin carries that with him for the rest of his life.

xvi: i can’t fight you anymore (it’s you i’m fighting for)

let’s talk about love, okay?

this ep is called the moment of truth, right?

so here are some truths about will. in the time that we spend with him, we come to understand that he is the following:

a poor peasant kid with nothing to his name

a kid whose father is dead

a kid whose mother is either dead or absent

a kid who “people are used to ignoring”

a kid who’s been making his own way through this backbreaking subsistence-farmer’s life with no grown-ups to hold him or help him or listen to him when he comes home at night

a kid who isn’t trusted to protect merlin’s secret, even by merlin’s own mother, whom will has known for his entire life

a kid whose only friend in the world fucked off to the country next door without a hint of warning or any indication that it was something that should matter to either one of them, making will think he misread the only meaningful relationship he’s ever had, because if merlin can just vanish to nowhere and not even bother to send a note, then either merlin wasn’t actually his friend to begin with or merlin was his friend at one time but doesn’t want to be anymore, both of which options are soul-crushing

a closed-off, heavily-armored, hurting kid who’s been unspeakably lonely for the past few months but also angry and ashamed at himself for feeling that way, because how stupid did he have to be, to think that he mattered to someone, that someone would ever want him or love him or need him or miss him, to think that this time would be different, that this time somebody wouldn’t leave him -

and even in this state - even in the midst of all this -

at the moment of truth, he still puts himself on the chopping block. he still says, “you’ll have to go through me.”

he comes through for merlin. of course he does. the irony is bitter and beautiful - hunith sent merlin away precisely because she didn’t trust that merlin would be safe with will knowing about his magic, but in the end it’s will who gives up everything to keep merlin’s secret concealed.

not just to keep it concealed, even - to reverse merlin being outed. merlin had already been exposed. the deed was done! the magic was seen! it was all over - and then, miraculously, it wasn’t. what will did was the only way merlin could ever have slipped safely back under the cover of secrecy.

will didn’t have to do that. he didn’t have to lie about performing magic, and he didn’t have to save arthur, either. it would have been better for will to let arthur die, in fact, and it would have been better for him to let merlin get caught, too, because ‘maybe then merlin would have to stay here with me’ - but will is so much better than petty revenge. he’s so much better than anybody ever gives him credit for, merlin excepted.

the fight will has with merlin doesn’t matter to him, in the end. it was a complicated situation for both of them; will knows this. if he weren’t dying now, he and merlin would have talked it out and made up - will knows that, too. things could have gone a little smoother between them, maybe, and will still thinks going back to camelot is less than what merlin deserves, but it’s what merlin wants, and the mark of truly loving someone is when you want the best for them, even if it means you don’t get what you want for yourself. so ultimately, when it comes down to it, the truth for will is this: he wants merlin to have a good life. he wants merlin to be safe. he wants merlin to be happy. he wants merlin to be with him, too, but if he can’t have that, it’s no reason to withhold any of the other gifts he can bestow. if one of those gifts is freedom, if one of those gifts is safety - it’s no choice at all.

merlin is will’s one good thing. merlin deserves everything will can give him, as far as will is concerned.

xvii. the only place worth being

this place has been boring without you.

what a thing to tell someone.

what a powerful thing to say to someone whose entire life up to this point has been a litany of ‘there’s something wrong with you,’ ‘you don’t belong here,’ ‘you’re cursed/broken/wrong/unnatural.’ what a dauntlessly loving thing to tell someone whose entire life has been the message ‘people like you deserve to die,’ over and over and over again.

what a singularly beautiful thing it is, for someone like merlin to hear ‘you are what makes this place worth living in.’

xviii: the only one worth seeing

likewise it’s good to see you again.

because it’s not just “it’s good to see you again;” it’s an acknowledgement that merlin is the last person will is ever going to see.

and will is like, okay.

he’d rather be alive, yeah, but if he had choose - it’s good that it’s you.

xix: the only bed worth sleeping in (is the one right next to you)

the most devastating moment in this sequence, for me, is at the very end, when will confesses fear.

it doesn’t happen until everything else has been taken care of. arthur’s been fooled, merlin’s been safely shuffled back under the cover of secrecy, everybody’s been taken in by the ruse and sent away, none the wiser - all the necessary and important business has been dealt with.

only at the very, very end does will’s own predicament rear its ugly head. only after everything else is done does he even allow himself to feel it. he’s spent the rest of this sequence making jokes and roasting arthur and keeping it all together, but at the last second, when he falters, he comes undone for the only person he trusts, the only person who understands him, the only person in the world who gives a damn about him. his defenses come down, in that last moment, for merlin - and it could ONLY be for merlin - when will says, “merlin, i’m scared.”

we don’t need anything else, to understand their relationship. we’ve seen enough of will by now to recognize that he keeps the world at arm’s length, that even his walls have walls, that this is just not the sort of thing he would ever admit to. confessions of pain? acknowledging vulnerability? never. he’s not that kind of character. we know he has a big heart - look at what he’s doing - but we also know he’s had a hard life. he’s wrapped himself in layers upon layers of protection - snark and anger and deflection and sarcasm and still making jokes at the prince’s expense after being shot in the chest - nobody is allowed to see him open and undefended, never.

except merlin.

will is dying. he is so young. he has been so alone, for so much of his life, and he’s so young, and he’s dying. he clutches for this lifeline like it’s the only thing he has, because it is the only thing he has - merlin is his only friend. merlin is the person will loves best in the whole world.

merlin, i’m scared.

that is so unbelievably vulnerable. that is so utterly naked. that is totally defenseless, exposed, belly-up and barethroated under someone else’s burning gaze.

that is absolute trust. will would never have said that in front of anyone else. he would never have allowed anyone else to see him like that.

his confession is, like pretty much everything else he ever does, for merlin alone.

xx. your heart is on my sleeve

merlin, will keeps repeating. merlin.

how much do you have to love someone, to make their name your last words? how much do you have to care about someone, for that to be the only thing you can think to say, again and again, in your last terrified moments on this earth?

that’s a rhetorical question.

i know how much.

xxi: i missed you too

i think, sometimes, about will, when i watch the later seasons of merlin, and about how he would feel if he could see what merlin’s life has turned into.

i sometimes wonder how he would feel, if he could see how merlin allows himself to be passed over, disbelieved, disrespected. if he could see how merlin has started to define his worth in terms of how well he is able to protect Some Dude who doesn’t even know who merlin is, who keeps people like merlin trapped in the shadows of subjugation, hidden citizens in their own kingdom. if will could see how merlin has laid his entire life down for other people’s enrichment, if he could see how little hope merlin now holds for his own happiness, if he could see the way merlin in S5 has given up on his own liberation -

i don’t have to guess what will would say about it. i know how he would feel. if will could see merlin in season 5, his raging little heart would break.

i wish he were here to tell merlin exactly what he thought about it. merlin does all this self-sacrificing for the sake of his “destiny”; whereas will would think that any destiny making merlin this miserable was a steaming pile of trash. will would tell kilgharrah to get lost, and to take his questionable advice with him. will would tell arthur to fuck off - he’s done it already, in slightly less explicit terms.

does that mean i truly think merlin is supposed to abandon his mission and ditch camelot and run off to live his own life? no. merlin cares too much about making the world a better place to be truly happy with that kind of existence; he wants to change things for the common good; he wants to help the people he cares about. but merlin, as he tries to fulfill his mission, is desperately missing will’s kind of support in his life. merlin needs someone who is only here for him. he needs someone who is going to get up in his face and remind him, “you matter.” he needs someone to tell him, “you deserve better than this.” he needs someone who isn’t afraid to tell destiny to fuck off, when telling destiny to fuck off is in merlin’s best interests.

merlin needs someone who is on his side.

not camelot’s side. not albion’s side. not arthur’s side.

HIS side. merlin’s side.

xxii: he still is

the thing about will, then, for me, is this: i can’t minimize him.

i can’t do it. i can’t diminish that part of merlin’s life.

i don’t think it’s possible to overestimate his importance, frankly. merlin, when we meet him, has only ever had two people in his life. that is such an...unfathomable experience, for many of us. just two people. just two people to know you. just two people to love you. just two people, for your whole life.

will wasn’t just some friend. will was half of merlin’s world.

fannish pursuits that i have seen...the things where will appears are already so limited, and of course that’s completely understandable - it’s not like he’s a main character, or even a side character, by any means; i totally get that. but - so much of what i see is him serving solely as a set-up for merlin/arthur, or otherwise being shoved out of the way as soon as arthur shows up on the scene, or showing up only to be a receptacle for discussion about arthur and merlin’s developing relationship - even will and merlin’s own ship tag is 90% merlin/arthur fics.

and there’s nothing wrong with this, ultimately; everybody should continue to write exactly what they want and enjoy exactly what they want; that’s the fun of fandom. i mention these things here only because for me, personally, the whole point of will’s character is that merlin’s life is bigger than just arthur. the most important relationship merlin had for most of his life had zip-zero-nothing to do with arthur pendragon, and it still has zip-zero-nothing to do with arthur pendragon, after will is dead.

you remember will’s funeral at the end of 1.10? arthur has an entire conversation (a horrible one, fyi) with merlin, and merlin doesn’t look at him once. he answers arthur’s questions because he has to, but his eyes never once leave the pyre in front of him - not while he’s listening, not while he’s talking, not once. not ever. arthur comes, arthur chastises, and arthur goes, all without being granted so much as a glance, because this isn’t about him. this is none of his business.

the whole point of will is that it is possible for someone to love merlin and not give a tinker’s cuss about arthur pendragon. the whole point of will is that having someone love merlin without caring about arthur pendragon is, in fact, a good thing. merlin needs somebody like that in his life. he struggles when he doesn’t have someone like this around to advocate for him. just look at where he is in season 5 - look at what his life has become, when it’s been years since he had an in-the-know friend.

merlin suffers when he loses this kind of support. it’s easy to say that will is never mentioned again after 1.10, but there are real reasons why merlin wouldn’t be willing to explicitly mention him, and the lack of explicit references doesn’t mean we can’t still see him, if we pay attention. we see the immediate impact of his death in merlin’s attitude shift in 1.11. we see him in 2.02, when merlin names his fake tournament knight sir william and spends the rest of the episode roasting arthur to within an inch of his life. we see him in the season 3 opener, when morgana levels her sword at merlin and the first thing that pops out of merlin’s mouth is “what are you going to do, kill me?” we see him in gwaine’s intro episode, when merlin immediately cleaves to this class-conscious ‘people get sick of me too quickly’ stranger whose father was killed fighting one of the king’s wars. and his absence is felt, more generally (as is lancelot’s) in how quickly merlin’s life starts to spiral out of control once the only two honest friends he ever had are gone. their loss doesn’t have to be explicitly referenced for us to understand that merlin, without that kind of support system, is faltering. we see it happening with our own eyes.

[edit, post-viewing-of-S5-finale: and we see where it eventually leads, too.]

so, once again, as i said - i can’t minimize this character. i can’t overstate the positive impact of merlin having somebody who was here for him and only him, who affirmed merlin’s value independently of arthur pendragon’s fate, who knew and loved merlin without caring about a “destiny” that ultimately, in the end, turned out to be a cruel joke made at merlin’s expense.

if will had lived, i’m not sure we would have ended up in quite so dark a place. we might have landed in some other tight spot, sure, but i can tell you one thing for certain - will would not have sat quietly by and allowed merlin to throw his life away, not for camelot, not for arthur, and certainly not for a parade of empty promises.

xxiii: where you are, there i’ll be

the bottom line is this.

merlin spent the first two decades of his life with one friend.

one.

loved by one friend.

one.

merlin had his mother, who was there for him from the beginning, whose love was unconditional, who was an “of course.”

and he had will, who chose merlin, who kept choosing merlin even after merlin told him the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Secret. will’s presence in merlin’s life is the only reason merlin grows up believing himself to be deserving of love from people who aren’t his own mother. his presence in merlin’s life is the only reason merlin knows how to have and be a friend. his presence in merlin’s life is the only reason merlin is who he is - a merlin who’d spent his entire life without a single friend would not have been the same confident, optimistic, gregarious person who later walked into camelot and told arthur pendragon, “i’d never have a friend who could be such an ass.”

will mattered. we don’t talk about him much, because he only appeared in one episode, but it wasn’t “one episode” for merlin; it was closer to twenty years of companionship, of elbows in ribcages and smirks exchanged across the room and someone to natter on at, a person to sit next to and walk beside, in every season and all sorts of weather.

will chose merlin, and he kept right on choosing him, until he breathed his very last breath. that is enough for me to love him, to feel grateful that he existed. i don’t care how rough he is around the edges. i don’t care that he hates arthur pendragon’s guts, that he has a big mouth, that he speaks out of turn, that he has no tact, that he can’t suffer fools, that he has a chip on his shoulder the size of a minor planetoid and wings it at people’s heads when the mood is on him.

he loved merlin. actual, magical merlin; merlin as he truly is, merlin in all his gifted, unnatural, beautiful imperfection.

that is a desperately rare thing. that is worth celebrating.

#the once and future slowburn #no kings no masters #meta #<3

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will242424 · 4 years

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Baseball Analytics Savant Is “Wired to Look at the Numbers”

Nicholas Fichtner is an Endicott senior whose goal is to work in an MLB front office. Fichtner grew up as a huge sports fan who was instantly fascinated with the numerical and statistical aspects of games. He developed an interest in analytics as he’s reached young adulthood.

Given that sports analytics is a relatively new field, there are very few ways to formally study it as a major. That hasn’t stopped Fichtner, however, who has embraced blazing a unique path for himself on the way to fulfilling his dreams. In this vein, he has designed several independent studies for himself to supplement the Endicott curriculum with skills he has identified as important.

Fichtner stands out as a free-thinker, and he is proud of it. He knows what is best for him and doesn’t care that his approach is uncommon. Fichtner has strong opinions on everything from a pitcher’s arm slot on a curveball to coding in advanced programming languages. His blend of old-school scouting knowledge coupled with a hunger for new-school sabermetrics is a strong foundation for a promising future.

Fichtner owns his own blog, Launch Angle, and is very active on Twitter, commenting on all things baseball. He has recently blogged about historical Hall-of Fame snubs, using copious statistics to make his case. His determination is evident by the steps he has taken to advocate for himself, and the significant thought he puts into what it will take to have a prosperous and enjoyable career.

What is your academic background?

I’m a finance major, minoring in economics. I switched my major twice. I was sports management my first semester freshman year, and it wasn’t for me. I went to accounting the second semester of my freshman year into the start of my sophomore year. It was good, but I wanted something a bit more challenging quantitatively, so I decided to switch into finance with a minor in applied math. I realized I wouldn’t be able to finish those minor requirements in time to graduate. I really wanted to graduate with a minor, so I switched my minor to economics because I had already taken some economics courses, so I’d have enough time to complete it. I’ve done five independent studies around coding, economics, data analytics…

What about sports management attracted you in the first place? What developments led you to conclude that it wasn’t for you?

I’m big on data analytics in sports, I love sports in general. When I first applied to Endicott, I said to myself, “I want to work in sports one day.” When they put me in the “bucket” of sports management. It wasn’t for me because I didn’t feel like it was challenging enough. I needed to expand my quantitative skills if I want to get to where I want to be in my professional career. I took financial accounting my freshman year, it was one of my core classes for sport management. I did really well in that class, and the professor was great. I told Dean Page I wanted to switch to accounting, and that was the end of that. Accounting is great, but it’s designed for preparation for the CPA Exam and to work for a “Big 4” accounting firm, which isn’t my career aspiration. It’s a great career aspiration, but it wasn’t mine. I thought about something that would challenge me even more quantitatively. Refinement, right? That’s why I switched into finance mid-sophomore year.

When did you first realize you had a passion for sports and wanted to pursue it as a career?

When I was a kid around my teens I loved football, loved looking at the numbers associated with football. Growing up in New England, you gravitate towards the Patriots. I just like looking at the numbers, I don’t know why. Looking at them, playing around with them. That’s just how I’m wired, have always loved to look at numbers. This is what got the ball rolling in terms of my interest in analytics with sports. At that same timeframe, I got into hockey analytics, too. Spent a lot of time researching that. Baseball of course, Moneyball was already well established. Basketball was on its way. Hockey had kind of taken in the analytics movement as to how teams evaluate players. It was mid-2010s, they started doing that. By the time I got to college, I was directed into baseball because I had emailed the sports information director here, Sean Medeiros, about being an analyst for the baseball team here. He said that if you’re looking to do advanced analytics for the team, no problem. I’ve been doing that for the last 3-4 years. I was an analyst for the first 3 years of my collegiate career, now I’m the student director of analytics for the team. That’s where my path now lies, in baseball, I’ve done a few internships in baseball analytics.

When did baseball take over as your chief interest? When I got to Endicott. The reason why I reached out to Sean my freshman year is because I wanted to get involved with campus. I thought that becoming a baseball analyst would be a good way to do it, especially given how light my resume was in that regard. Baseball, to me, seemed like the more logical choice [of sports to pick]. What evolved from there was meeting the coaching staff, Bryan Haley, met Coach Oringer a little bit later on. Working with them has been a great experience.

On his internship search

I was looking for an internship where it was geared towards what I wanted to do, not so much what was traditional within my school of study. I wanted to look more towards baseball. Coach Haley told me about the Cape Cod baseball league. I emailed every single GM and coach you could possibly imagine in that league. The GM for the Hyannis Harbor Hawks called me and said, ‘hey, you want an interview?’ I said, ‘yeah of course’. I got that interview and then got the internship.

What was the internship experience like?

It was great. That’s the number one developmental league in the country for Division I collegiate ballplayers. Of course, when you have all that talent, teams are gonna flock to see it. Scouts, player evaluators, executives, they’re all there. Meeting them, talking with them, interacting with that coaching staff was all part of it. I actually used analytics to build some lineups for them, which were pretty successful.

There were two assistant GM positions, me and another assistant GM intern, she was from Chicago. And another MLB scout liaison, he was from Maryland. We formed our own player development analytics department, just the three of us. We learned how to scout players, how to evaluate players with numbers. The coaching staff was very open with that, so we were successful and it was a great internship. It was a growth experience, personally and professionally.

What specifics did you learn about scouting?

When we were looking at hitters, we look at their approach. Whether they take a two-strike approach, whether they had the bat position on their shoulder. What are they looking for, their pitch recognition, can they identify a changeup from a slider? A curveball from a changeup? A two-seam vs. a cutter? All those things are important. From a pitcher’s standpoint, how are they gripping the ball? Do they have good command and control with their changeup, their curveball? Can they locate the zone and not be wild with it? Their release, their wrist flick is important, especially with the curveball. Is it down here, is it up here, how’s their kinetic chain? Is their kinetic chain perfect in the sense that their follow-through is good, clean and crisp? If it’s not, how are they going along with their process to resolve that? How is their foot landing when they deliver the pitch? All those little things to look at, watching, and talking to scouts. They provided little insights, interacting with the interns. Gave tips and tricks for how to evaluate players from an eye test standpoint?

Have you used software throughout your time with baseball analytics?

Yeah. This was before my junior year, the summer of 2018. I used a lot of Excel. As I mentioned before, the independent studies. They were centered around learning how to use the R programming language, how to use SQL, database management systems. Tableau. Key foundational database management software that I can use for baseball-oriented projects and data. I’m using SQL right now to manage the Endicott baseball team data right now. Microsoft is the bridge to that, but I’m learning those things right now and have mastered some of those skills, R in particular. After the [Cape Cod internship], I needed to learn data platforms more, beyond Excel. That’s where the IS’s came in.

How did the independent studies come into play? Identifying skills that you wanted to achieve that weren’t part of the Endicott curriculum?

Yeah, no doubt. SQL and Tableau, specifically, everyone should learn, whether you’re going into baseball or not. SQL for any data-related career is a Pre-Req for a lot of those internships and positions. You need to learn how to build databases and SQL is a foundational tool for that. It was a matter of: ‘how am I going to market myself in the world of baseball, in the industry? But also, how can I better my understanding of data analysis technology?’ That’s where the IS’s came I, but they had a baseball flavor to them, of course?

Knowing what you know now about your passion for sports analytics, if you were an incoming freshman, would you still choose to come to Endicott?

I think that there are a lot of people who major in something but then go into a career that doesn’t reflect their major directly. Being a well-rounded person in academia is something that I value a lot and I’ve learned that over my four years here. With all the major switching and minor flipping that I’ve done, and the cultivating my own creativity into my own degree, I wanted to feel like it was my own degree. I don’t think I would go anywhere else outside of Endicott because of all the great professors I’ve had here. I don’t know if I would’ve gotten the same type of support at a bigger school. I would run the risk of getting lost in the shuffle of students, in a big lecture hall. The direct relationships with professors that I’ve made has been instrumental here; they’ve given me a lot of support and advice on how to carry myself, how to be a professional, how to think differently, how to grow personally and professionally. I wouldn’t go anywhere else.

Where do you envision yourself in five years?

Hopefully working for a MLB organization, in some capacity as an analyst. Right now, I’m a writer. I was actually brought on to write for EVT News. They’re an outlet based out in San Diego, they cover the Padres, they’re credentialed in baseball and minor league baseball. They get a lot of viewership, a lot of exposure to those pieces. Two pieces that I’ve written for them so far have been picked up by Bleacher Report, which is pretty exciting. And I’ve started my own baseball analytics blog called the Launch Angle. That’s where I publish a lot of my stuff and the shell website where I can analyze players using advanced analytics and player development data a little bit more. I’ve built a little bit of a following on social media, which is fun. That’s where I’m at right now.

You’d rather work with a team than keep going with this media career?

I like the media piece of it only because it gets my work out there. I self-published my thesis on the Launch Angle. Having the exposure for EVT News was huge. I had published an article on my own site about the Padres, and a guy on Twitter reached out to me from EVT. That’s how I got that connection rolling. I enjoy writing about baseball from an analytics, economics, player development perspective. For the sake of exposure, getting my name out there organically. Working for a team is the endgoal.

Do you have any fear given that sports is a competitive industry to break into?

I think every industry is hard to break into. Baseball, yes, it’s competitive. Sports in general are competitive because so many people enjoy them, they want to work in something they enjoy. It’s one thing to work in something you enjoy, it’s another thing entirely if you think that you can but you don’t have the experience to back it up. I’ve learned this the hard way, you need to have several experiences, internships, projects surrounding the industry you want to work in. Beyond sports, at a 50,000-foot view, no matter what industry you go into you need to have projects and experiences tailored around that. If you’re going into accounting, you need to have projected and internships centered around what’s going on in accounting in the modern day. In marketing, same thing. Like most industries it’s about network building in general. Network building is huge. I’ve done a good to great job of building my network within MLB in terms of coaches. Those are people that I can lean on and talk to. The support I’ve gotten has been huge. If you don’t have a strong network, coupled with everything I’ve talked about, your chances of being successful are going to be slim. Even if you enter into an industry after you graduate with your undergraduate degree, you may not like it after two or three years. You just burn out, and you’re not passionate about it. The reason why I’m so dedicated to the sports industry and baseball in particular is because I’m passionate about it. I want to be happy in what I’m doing, and not just think of it as a 9-5 job where you just get a paycheck every two weeks and call it a day. That’s not my DNA, that’s not what I’m about. I like to do things with a purpose.

You mentioned you learned the “hard way” that you need to have strong experience. Was there a time where you didn’t have the necessary experience and met a dead end?

From the start of my junior year until present day has been about cultivating and creating experiences where I can be impactful in baseball. I realized that Cape Cod shouldn’t be the centerpiece; it should be a huge component to show experience. For example, my semester-long internship took place at Northeastern as a senior. They weren’t necessarily looking for my position as a quantitative analyst. I cold-emailed all the major Division I teams in the state of MA and Northeastern got back to me. I sat down with that coaching staff January of my junior year, and the head coach was very open to integrating analytics into the program for that year. Sometimes you will hear the word no in internship searches. Other times, if you get that internship and you struggle, and you fall flat on your face, that’s part of learning. You’re gonna fail. I’ve experienced these first-hand. At Northeastern, there were some times where my strategies or player evaluation techniques from a strict data perspective didn’t match what the coach was seeing. We talked about it, it was a nice conversation because he learned from me and I learned from him. I email him every two weeks or so, still. As an intern who wants to work in baseball, it needs to be challenge by fire. You’re gonna get burned, it’s gonna happen, you’re gonna fail. It is what it is. But at the same time, you’re gonna learn from it. I think a lot of people forget that. They look for that perfect internship where they can stretch their creativity and say ‘this is gonna work no matter what.’ It’s not always gonna work, and I learned that at both my internships. It’s all about trial by fire, learning from your mistakes and your failures, and rising above that.

Have you completed specific studies related to baseball?

I build a model that can predict baseball player salaries based on their statistics and it’s rather accurate. For example, Stephen Strasburg, my model predicted that he would make 32M with the Nationals this season, he will make 35M. That is pretty close, the residual on his 2020 estimated salary is 3M. For a highly-priced free agent, that’s pretty good. The model can predict players really low, or really high, excessively. Models can always be refined and developed to become more accurate. Taking that model and having an answer for behavior in the marketplace in the context of free agency in baseball. Of course, there’s no salary cap in baseball, except a luxury tax. That gives teams a license to spend a lot of team, depending on who the team is. Sometimes teams spend a lot of money on a player that they shouldn’t. I’ve noticed that a lot in baseball, where the money is like Monopoly money.

How did you build this model?

A lot of statistics and economic variables associated with that, looking at trends of free agency from the past. I did a separate study on the starting pitcher’s market, that there was a bubble in 2015. From 2011-2015, there’s a steady increase in total value of SP contracts handed out in free agency. The bubble popped after 2015. When people think of a bubble in economic terms, they think of the housing market and how that popped when housing was so overvalued that people couldn’t afford it, which caused the demise of the housing market. With starting pitchers, they have been such a valued commodity over time. We’re now seeing a trend where that 2015 bubble may be surpassed with the Gerrit Cole contract, the Strasburg contract, the Wheeler contract. Even supplementary contracts for SP that are not the nine-figure range, but are still a lot of money. I look at each of these and say, were these rational uses of capital? It can depend on team situation.

Where does the field of baseball analytics go from here? Has it been saturated?

I read a book over the summer called MVP Machine. That book has been a huge key stable in where data is heading next in the sport. In the beginning of that book, it talks about how teams use analytics departments ever since 2002 with the Moneyball Oakland A’s. Player development now has evolved to: what data can we gather from a player’s swing, from a pitcher’s curveball, to make them better? MVP Machine talks about Driveline baseball. Kyle Boddy founded that company, and they look at biomechanics. They use edgertronic cameras, rapsodo to gather data to make players better with sensor technology. It’s all about the launch angle revolution in baseball, which is if you can drive your bat up, you can create more fly balls. Obviously the more fly balls you hit, you increase your probability of a home run. Using video and data there can help a player hit more home runs. Of course, we’ve seen a huge spike in home runs over the last 4 years in pro ball. With pitcher’s it’s about developing a pitch arsenal. In MVP Machine, they talk about Trevor Bauer heavily. He credits edgertronic cameras and Driveline baseball with becoming a Cy Young candidate with the Indians at one point in his career. That’s where the game is heading to next, and player development departments are heading in that way to integrate data to make players better. Not so much in terms of evaluating players and saying, ‘oh this player’s BABIP is this, why are we paying him x dollars?’ That conversation is still relevant of course, but it’s now shifted to less evaluation and more development. They go hand in hand. If you’re a hitter at Driveline and they see your kinetic chain of hitting, they’ll look at the video and the data associated with that, and they’ll say if you just change your leg kick from this to that, the landing point for your foot, and you change your bat motion a little bit, your launch angle will improve. If you do this, you’ll hit more fly balls and you’ll drive the ball farther. Given that HR hitting is hyper valued in the current market, you’ll get paid more as a free agent. Player development to improve players, whether they’re in the minors or a current roster. Coaches are a big variable to that equation, but that’s where the game is going right now, and that’s exciting.

What’s the most rewarding aspect of working with baseball analytics?

I’m wired to look at numbers and be fascinated by them. Using analytics to cut through irrational thinking using rational logic is something that means a lot to me. I’m a big proponent of using rational, logical thought processes instead of irrational clichés. There’s this field of behavioral economics which is something that I read a lot about, which goes back and forth between the economics of rational vs. irrational thinking for a consumer in the marketplace. Data brings a lot of black and white answers. Using that skillset to generate conclusions, to support hypotheses. Using analytics in general practice brings me a lot of joy, because it’s actually something conclusive that I can use in support.

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