#but i’ll be in the same section as my crush in marching band so i mean 👀✋

[weeklydoseofwhatever]

Things I Have Learned

A high school recap

1. Sometimes bad things can lead to the best things ever.

Coming into Troy High, I revolved around volleyball. The school season in the fall, followed by club until the late spring, and then conditioning in the summer to prepare for tryouts the following year - it was all I cared for. So, when the pandemic hit in our freshmen year and I wasn’t allowed to play club the following winter, my world came to a halt. 

I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was this absence of volleyball that gave me the opportunity to rebuild stronger, this time around student government. Whether it’s true or not, I feel that I’ve grown considerably in these past 2 years. Stugo has quite literally changed the entire way I view the world and for the most part, I really do like the person I’ve become. 

Everything happens for a reason. If you think about it, all of the choices you have ever made led you to this point. Even if the future looks bleak right now, trust the process, you will get to where you are meant to be. There’s always light at the end of a tunnel.

2. Doing things afraid is better than not doing them at all.

Fear is normal. It’s okay to be afraid. 

I think a lot of us fear failure. That’s okay too.

However, it’s a little less okay when the fear of failure prevents us from doing what we want to do.

You convince yourself, “I can’t do it.”

But how do you know that if you haven’t even tried?

Then you ask, “What if I fail?”

So what if you fail? Failure isn’t fatal. As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

Of course, this is all easier said than done. Coming into high school, I let fear stop me from auditioning for band. The expectation from my parents to make the symphonic band as a freshman crushed me. I fully understood how unrealistic their expectations were but the relentless pressure led me to believe that anything other than symphonic equated to failure. And so, to eliminate any chance of failure, I purposefully missed audition sign ups.

Not continuing an instrument remains one of my biggest regrets. 

Often, as I watch the band, whether they are practicing after school, performing at a football game, or marching the streets, I find myself thinking, “That could’ve been me.”

Look at it this way, it’s better to try and fail at doing something than to live with that “what if” forever.

3. No one remembers it.

As unpleasant as it may be, think about your most embarrassing moment from these past 4 years. Now read the section title again. 

Just last week, I dropped my entire lunch not even 30 seconds after paying for it (gave myself a pat on the back for that one). And let me tell you, the food went everywhere. Apparently, tater tots are made of the same material that bouncy balls are. 

The stares I got after my little accident were enough to make me want to melt into a puddle of nothingness. 

However, if I had never brought this incident up, none of you would know about it. 

Trust me when I say that people have more important things than your embarrassing moments to talk about; bigger fish to fry. And even if they do talk, so what? The people who mind don’t matter, and those that matter, don’t mind. 

Although, chances are that no one even remembers it in the first place.

4. No act of kindness is too small.

In 10th grade, I stopped to talk with an underclassmen and her mother while on a walk around the neighborhood. That was the first time that someone told me they looked up to me. It may have only been a few sentences, but those are words I’ll never forget.

Whether it’s drinking more water, or picking up a piece of trash, or paying for the person in line behind you, you make a difference. I believe that everyone has the power to make the world, or at least someone's world, a better place. Be kind to the Earth and be kind to others. But most importantly, don’t forget to be kind to yourself.

5. It’s important to be open to new ideas.

Some prejudice is naturally ingrained into everyone. But not everyone chooses to do the same thing with their prejudice. 

Growing up, I was told that the only way to live a happy and successful life was to attend a prestigious college and work in a well respected field (I don’t think I need to explain why that is so far from the truth). Just because we grow up thinking something doesn't mean it's right. 

And I think that statement can be applied to many of the issues plaguing society today. Prejudices that become rooted in people from a young age breeds discrimination and it's difficult to break away from ideas that we grow up with. 

People believe in what they find to be right. That’s kind of how the whole process works. But it’s also essential that we allow the possibility of being wrong. We were taught to avoid speaking in absolutes and the same general concept applies here. What you think is right may be right and it may not be right. 

Even if you don’t agree with everything you hear, opening your mind and heart to the world goes a long way.

6. Appreciate what you have. 

You never fully appreciate what you have until it’s gone. It’s a simple statement that no one seems to actually grasp. As much as I try, I still take too many things in my life for granted. Starting with teachers and the overall environment at Troy High, I forget how lucky I am to have teachers that love what they do and care for their students. Then there’s my brother. Although still a bit naive at times, I know he’ll always keep my secrets and have my back. 

And of course, there are my friends. I’ve come to realize that they’re even more amazing than I already thought them to be; the loyalty, selflessness, and kindness they endlessly demonstrate is not the norm. 

Lastly, a special mention, because I would never allow myself to take him for granted, is my boyfriend. We have our differences and a fair share of problems, but he really is the most wonderful person ever. He works incredibly hard, going the extra mile (hundreds actually) for me and I have never felt so safe or happy with anyone before. I put him through a lot of trouble actually so I’ll always be grateful to him for sticking around. He really does deserve the world. 

(if you’re reading this bry, i love you <3)

7. There is always more to learn. 

I’ve always found it tragic that time is a fleeting thing. There will never be enough time to do everything I want to do and experience everything that I’ve dreamed of. 

But I strive to learn what I can with the time that I have, starting with myself. 

High school experiences have helped me solidify my sense of identity in essentially every way except for one. To this day, I still don’t know whether to classify myself as an extrovert or an introvert.

I definitely have a desire to talk to other people and get to know them. Until I suddenly don’t. There are times when I can’t stand being in a room with other people and all I wish for is to be alone. Most of the time I just stick to my close circle of friends. However, I also won’t just keep to myself if thrown into a new environment. I thought myself to be an ambivert for a while, but that never felt quite right. As high school comes to an end now, I think I’m settling back into more introverted ways. It’s both where I started from and somewhere entirely new all at once.  

Looking back, middle school me was so full of it. Refusing to hear anything my parents said, I thought I knew everything. But middle school me would’ve never imagined myself where I am today. I’d like to think that I have become someone she would’ve looked up to. At least now, I actually do listen to what my parents have to say -  it’s just more times than not, I don’t agree with them and don’t do what they ask! 

Go with the flow.

That’s the mantra I’ve been living by and it’s the mantra I will continue to live by, carving out my own riverbed to the distant horizon.

[abundanceofsoph]

SkyFire 3: Chapter 10

I’m free as a bird when I’m flying in your cage: Nov/Dec 2017  

Word count: 3k

SkyFire 3 MASTERLIST

Please for the love of god, if you like the story just hit the reblog button. I really don’t know how to say it nicely but it’s really starting to bother me and maybe that makes me a dick but so be it.

>Instagram posts

Thankfully, after a day and a half of vocal rest, Harry was ready to go for the Manchester show and he very much dialled his performance up to 11 for his hometown crowd. Just as she had told Grimmy, Aurora stayed off social media in the days following the interview, but she heard from others that a small section of the fandom was absolutely furious with her and the social media manager that Mark had hired years ago to clear out her comment sections was working overtime to keep some of the nastier shit from her feeds. As much as Aurora herself was able to avoid it all together, she knew that a lot of her fans would be reading the comments and she wanted to keep it safe for them. Harry’s team was also working to keep his own accounts clear as well, and while they couldn’t hide from what was being said about them or Louis and Elanor, they could try to filter out the worst of it. This was the one part of celebrity that they all agreed was the worst. It was the unfortunate consequence of having such passionate fans. Ella had no such inclination to avoid the comment sections and was spending her free time picking fights with Larries and attempting to set them straight on the reality of Harry and Louis’ relationship as nothing more than brotherly love. Aurora tried to urge her to let it go, but unfortunately her best friend was feisty and easy to anger which was not a good combination with how overprotective she was about her loved ones. By the time they stepped out onto the Manchester stage, both Rori and Harry were happy to put aside the drama and focus on the music.  Things started to cool down over the following week which took them up to Glasgow and then on to Stockholm, Berlin, Amsterdam, and Milan. By the time they returned to London on the 11th, the music video for Kiwi had been live for 3 days and the fans had thankfully moved on from Aurora’s interview in exchange for raving about the new video.  

They spent the first few days relaxing at home before Rori headed to North London to meet up with Liam at the recording studio he liked to use to work on the song he had mentioned at Niall’s launch party. Aurora had spent the last few weeks listening to the demo on repeat while pouring over the sheet music Liam had emailed her. She was obsessed with the song and the two had been messaging back and forth constantly, discussing the arrangement and which parts each of them would take. Stepping back into a recording studio, even one she’d never visited before, felt like coming home after weeks on the road and her face lit up immediately as soon as she caught sight of Liam,  wrapping her arms around him in a rib crushing hug.

“Ready to jump straight in?” he asked after letting her go.

“Absolutely,” she replied excitedly before following him as he introduced her to the producer and technicians that they would be working with for the following few days.

With a full week before Harry and Rori were due to  fly to Shanghai, neither she nor Liam were on a tight schedule to finish the song. This meant that the environment in the studio was very chilled and there were many tangents and breaks taken while they worked.

“How attached are you and Lou to the lyrics?” Rori asked on their second day in the studio.

“Of course, you want to change something,” Liam laughed in a response. “Wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Rori replied with a laugh of her own. “I am who I am.”

“I know,” Liam agreed. “So, show me what you’re thinking.”

“I’ve been tossing around the pre-chorus and I was wondering if instead of what you lads have there, instead we go with this.”

I'm free as a bird When I'm flying in your cage I'm diving in deep And I'm riding with no brakes And I'm bleeding in love You're swimming in my veins You got me now

“Well fuck,” Liam replied. “Think I need to stop writing with Louis and start writing with you more often.”

“You like it?”

“Rors, I love it,” he said. “It’s way better than what we came up with. Let’s get back in the booth and record it.”

They ended up spending four days finishing the song which left Aurora with a few remaining days to catch up with Ella and also relax at home with her husband before they were thrown back into work.

xXx

The day before they were set to fly to China, Aurora headed over to Ella’s flat in Wimbledon. “I brought cake,” she yelled as she let herself into the flat with the spare key Ella had given her when Rori first moved back to London.

“Fuck yes!” Ella cheered in response, her voice carrying down the hall from the kitchen. “I’m just making us tea,” she continued as Rori made her way inside. “Get yourself comfy on the sofa and I’ll meet you in there, babe.”

Rori made herself at home in the living room, Ella’s elderly tabby cat Elliot, immediately padding over to make himself comfortable in her lap.

“You were recording with Liam this week yeah?” Ella asked as she joined Rori on the sofa, placing mugs of tea in front of them. “How was it?”

“God, it was so much fun El,” Rori sighed. “I didn’t realise how much I missed being in the studio. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love touring and I’m having an incredible time on the road, but it felt so good to be back recording again and it just has me itching to write again.”

“You should make sure to do more of it over the Christmas break then,” Ella pointed out. “Speaking of which are you going to be in New York or are you coming home for winter?”

“We’re planning a bit of both. Christmas and my birthday in New York with my dads and then we’ll come back here for February before the tour kicks off again in March. I think Gemma and Anne are going to join us for Christmas too and then when we get back Liam and I have made plans to have a writing session together. ”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Ella nodded before taking a sip of her tea. “Selfishly I’m glad you’ll be spending a decent chunk of time here. I miss you.”

“Urggh,” Rori groaned. “I miss you too. Was thinking of maybe doing something for Harry’s birthday and getting you, Lou, Liam, and Niall over to our flat for a game’s night or something. I feel like Harry could use something a little more lowkey this year after the insanity of tour.”

“Don’t feel like you need to invite me,” Ella replied awkwardly. “I mean, if you’re inviting the band over, I’m not really part of that group.”

“Oh bullshit,” Rori laughed. “They boys love you just like I do. You all get along great whenever we were all together for wedding stuff or the album launch. Why on earth would you feel like I shouldn’t invite you too?”

“Rori,” Ella sighed. “While yes, I have gotten along with yours and Harry’s friends in the past, that doesn’t mean that I run in the same circles as they do. They’re celebrities, you are a celebrity and I just think that sometimes you forget that I’m just your old friend from school. It’s two separate worlds that you live in.”

Aurora rolled her eyes in response, taking a sip of her tea while she compiled her rebuttal. “That’s such a load of shit El. They are mine and Harry’s friends and so are you. When we are away from the paparazzi, they are no different to you and me. I get that we grew up with their pictures on our bedroom walls but once you put that aside they’re just a bunch of really great guys that I think could become your close friends too if you let them in and stop freaking out around them.”

“Ok fine,” Ella agreed after a moment of silent staring between the two women. “I’ll try to get over myself and give them a chance next time we’re all in the same room. Can we change the subject now?”

“That’s all I’m asking for and absolutely we can change the subject. How’s things with Tim? Feel like we haven’t talked about him in a while.” Ella made a face and Aurora felt her heart break for her best friend. “When?” she asked softly. “What happened, love?”

“He broke it off a few weeks ago,” Ella explained. “Said he didn’t feel a spark or something.”

“I’m sorry babe, things seemed to be going so well when I left for the tour.”

“They were. At least I thought they were. We barely made it past 3 months before he gave up.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were half a world away having the best time,” Ella replied. “If I’d told you then you would have just felt guilty for not being here.”

“And now instead I feel guilty for not even being able to be a sympathetic ear since I couldn’t provide a shoulder. How are you now?”

“I’ll be ok. I’ve been a bit down in the dumps, but I think it’s for the best. He made some good points about me not really knowing what I wanted and he’s right. I think I’m gonna swear off dating until I really figure out who I am and what I’m looking for.”

“Well if you ever want help figuring out who you are, I think I know you pretty well by now.”

“I might take you up on that offer,” Ella said with a small smile before changing topic. “Now enough moping, you said you brought cake with you? You are never going to believe the scandal that’s broken out amongst some of the girls in my Colonial History class.”

xXx

Occasionally something would happen in Aurora’s life that would give her pause and remind her how incredibly ludicrous her life had become. Standing behind her keyboard in the middle of a Victoria Secrets show in Shanghai while her husband sang and danced his heart out in front of her while literally supermodels strutted past them was one of those moments.

It was hard for her to believe that only 2 days ago she was sitting on her best friend’s sofa eating a chocolate cake from Sainsbury’s and discussing the latest high school drama playing out in Ella’s classroom. She found herself thinking about how her mother would react if she somehow had a way to travel back in time seven years and tell her about this moment and all the other life changing moments that had occurred since they parted. It was while her thoughts were caught on her mother that Harry turned, catching her eye, a mile-wide smile lighting up his face as he winked at her, causing her own smile to grow in response. No matter how strange her life had become and how much everything had changed since she was an average teenager living above a small bar, she knew that she wouldn’t change a single thing that had happened if it meant ending up here with Harry smiling at her like that.

xXx

Following the Victoria Secrets show, the band arrived in Singapore early and spent a few days exploring before their show there after which the flew on to Australia, a country that Harry had toured many times over the years with One Direction, but Aurora had never managed to visit herself. They had a week in the land Down Under, with shows in both Sydney and Melbourne and Aurora made it her mission to see as much as she could of the 2 state capitals, often dragging Harry or other members of the band along on her adventures. Given that it was the last week of November everywhere was getting into the Christmas spirit, however since it was the southern hemisphere the weather was scorching hot and the group found the combination highly entertaining, if somewhat baffling.

While in Sydney they took in the iconic sights such as Bondi beach, the Opera House, and the Harbour Bridge, as well as a day trip out to explore the Blue Mountains. In Melbourne they visited the Eureka Tower with it’s Skydeck that offered an amazing view of the city spread out beneath them. They also spent some time at the Melbourne Zoo and National Gallery of Victoria, then the day after their show at the Forum, they were taken on a drive out of the city and down along the coastal Great Ocean Road.

The tour stop in Auckland was similarly packed out with touristy opportunities where Aurora’s highlight was the art gallery Toi o Tāmaki. While the laid back vibes in both Australia and New Zealand captured Aurora’s attention, it was the week they spent in Tokyo that held Harry’s, so much so that while everyone else headed home the day after the last show, the young couple made a last minute change to their travel plans and extended their stay by an additional week to explore the city more.

Once again, Tokyo was somewhere that Harry had visited many times with the band while Aurora had never been, and he enjoyed to opportunity to show her his favourite parts. Something Aurora noticed almost immediately about Tokyo was that unlike in the US or the UK, people either didn’t recognize them when they were out and about or they did but respected their privacy and left them alone. She pointed this out to Harry on their second day wandering the city streets and he smiled back at her, agreeing that it was something he’d also noticed in a previous visit and had definitely played a role in him falling in love with the city.

They spent their days wandering the streets, ducking into quirky shops that caught their eye and just revelling in the normalcy of being together in public. As they walked, they both realized that they had never had this; a chance to be like everyone else crowding the sidewalks around them. Save for stolen moments in the early days of their relationship like their first date in Hampstead Heath or when they were able to sneak into galleries on quiet days, they’d never really been able to be themselves within a crowd. They’d always needed to wrap a scarf that little bit higher around their chins or wear a hat a little lower on their heads or glasses a little bit larger. To walk hand in hand like any other couple was freeing in a way that Rori hadn’t realized she’d been missing, and she soaked up every moment of their time in Tokyo. If only for a week she felt like she was living the life she would have had if her mother hadn’t died. If she had continued living as a normal girl from Wimbledon instead of being thrust into the spotlight, free to live her life without the scrutiny of the press and the public. Of course, it wasn’t lost on her that the man holding her hand wouldn’t be Harry in this parallel universe and for that she would happily trade in her freedom. She could accept that the price she paid to be married to Harry and be Steve and Tony’s daughter was that she would never really be allowed to have this normality, so she simply tried to make the most of their time before they flew on to New York for Christmas. They never spoke about any of this during their little vacation away from their lives but even without voicing her thoughts, Rori was certain that Harry was thinking the same thing and would willingly make the same sacrifices for the life they had built together.

xXx

Both Aurora and Harry were exhausted by the time they reached New York and were grateful to find Happy waiting for them as soon as they exited the arrivals terminal at JFK. He offered a quick hug to Rori before collecting their bags from them and leading them to the town car waiting for them. She leant against Harry in the back seat as they made the hour long drive into Manhattan. Her blinks began to lengthen as the airport shrank in the rear-view mirror and she was fast asleep before they reached Queens. Harry had to gently coax her awake once they finally reached the tower and she slowly made her way out of the car and into the elevator up to the penthouse. Tony and Steve were waiting up for their arrival and excitedly pulled their daughter into tight hugs the moment she stepped out of the elevator. It was Steve that noticed the way both Rori and Harry’s eyelids seem to droop and their gazes glazed over while Tony asked them a dozen questions about their recent adventures, and Rori was grateful when her Pops shooed them both off to bed with promises that they could catch up properly over a homecooked breakfast the next morning. They were barely conscious by the time they stripped out of their clothes and crawled into bed, however Aurora remained awake just long enough the think about how good it felt to be home.

NEXT CHAPTER

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#skyfire fic #Husband Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #dad!tony #domestic fluff #iron dad #step dad steve rogers #aurora stark #harry styles #tony stark #live on tour

[sergeant-donny-donowitz]

Home (DonnyxFem!Reader Postwar AU)

Requested by @struggling-bee

@tealaquinn @war-obsessed @owba-chan @inglourious-imagines

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

When the bands stopped marching, and the parade confetti was swept away, and the boys were all home, things seemed to be back to normal. Everyone seemed to live perfect lives in box homes.  The boys were home. But for you, somehow the end of the war brought some problems... The boys came home... Meaning, your roommate immediately got married, and left you to pay all the rent. The boys came home... Meaning, you lost your job at the factory. Donny came home... Meaning, he was a decorated war vet, and was bored. He went back to work in his father's barbershop. He woke up in the same room he did as a kid. The adventures were over...Something he couldn't abide by. So he moved out... He kept his job, but he needed to start a life of his own... The interviews stopped and the awards waned. The war and the heroes were no longer on the front page. Something about communism and bolsheviks was on the front page, something Donny was too tired to read. He sighed, and flipped through the paper, finding  a section full of people looking for roommates.  His eyes ran lazily over the names, until he spotted a familiar name... "Y/n...Y/n L/n..." He squinted at the name as the dimming light began to set. He wondered if it was really you... And a day later, you wondered if it was really Donny. THE Donny Donowitz looking for a roommate...it was almost unimaginable to you... What were the odds... Then you wondered (and perhaps even hoped) that he'd recognized your name... And you caught yourself. You went to school together, that was all, and that was all years ago. He wouldn't have remembered you. Besides, being a war hero of his status probably made his ego blow up, and made him even more of a jerk than you remembered... Why would you even want to room with him? But somehow...even then you thought he was cute... "God damn it...." You muttered trying to get yourself to listen to yourself. Still you sighed...You always had a thing for that ballplayer...Boy could he swing, on the field, and in the clubs... You remembered seeing him that night...It was late May. A drowsy summer night, back in 1939. The world was consumed in a war that had not yet dawned on either of you. You had graduated from high school that afternoon. That night practically everyone you knew was at that dance. Donny was surrounded by his friends from the old baseball team, and the girls. You were with your friends on the other side of the club, dancing the night away. But every once in a while you'd glance at him, and wish you were the one he’d asked to dance... Then you'd laugh at yourself... That would never happen. Seven years passed, and there he was, at the door of your apartment. He wanted to look around before renting with you... You opened the door, genuinely praying that there was another jerk in Boston named, "Donny Donowitz...." But no. Of course there wasn't. He was leaning againt the doorway, "Y/n? It's really you! How are ya!?" You were a little shocked for a moment as you gripped onto the door, "You...you know my name?" "Of course I do! It hasn't been that long, has it? Graduation...well..I barely graduated...but it's only cause of you." He grinned, genuionely.

"Really?" He didn't quite catch the sarcasm in your voice. "Yeah! Ms. Changretta's history class was a fucking killer, and you saved me. Just like in physics...chemistry...art...anyway..." He cleared his throat. He felt so happy to see you again, and he couldn't quite catch why. You were just the girl he used to copy homework from... And maybe steal a glance at every now and then But that was just so long ago... Still, as hard as it was to admit...Donny Donowitz still had a crush on you, after all those years. He may have been a notorious war hero, but that didn't make him any less shy when it came to you... "Anyway....I heard you were lookin' for a roommate...and I'm looking for a roommate, and-" You raised your eyebrow, and subtly pressed your hand against your forehead, expecting it to burn, wondering if this was actually happening, "Come on in. Take a look around." He smiled a little. You always were a bit of a 'no nonsense' type of girl. Time was always of the essence with you... That didn't change, apparently. So he leveled with you, and you leveled with him. He needed a new place, asap. And you needed help with the rent.

Donny moved in, and life went on... Kind of... You had a job interview one morning, not long after. Your eyes shot open as you glanced at your clock. "Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit." You shot out of bed when you smelled something in the kitchen. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." You threw a robe on as you sped walked to the impending disaster... Instead you found Donny standing at the stove, making omelettes... "Good mornin' Y/n..." God, he'd practiced that in his head a million times and still didn't come off the way he wanted to. "Everything ok?" He raised his eyebrow when he looked at you, seeing how frantic you looked. "I...thought something was burning. I mean...you did almost burn the labs down once...." He chuckled, "That was a long time ago, kid." You smiled a little, and he glanced back at you, catching a glimpse at you in your night down.

He clenched his jaw, and turned back to the stove, clearing his throat, "Come on Donny...she's just your roommate...she's too smart for you..."

You looked down at yourself...

"Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck..."

 You stepped back into the hall, "I'll... I gotta get dressed..."

He nodded, "Yeah! I'll...get this ready for ya... No problem..."

You turned away, and walked back toward your room, but stopped for a moment...

Was he more of a sweetheart than you remembered?

Maybe...just maybe...you sighed.

Then  you looked at the time.

You stormed through your closet and got dressed, washed up, and then rushed out.

"Wait! You gotta eat

something

!"

You looked at him...

“Yup,” you thought damningly, He really was more of a sweetheart than you remembered.

He pitched an apple toward you. "Thanks, Donny!" You rushed out the door.

"Good luck-" You shut the door as he murmured, "doll..."

You ran all around Boston that day.

You had foolishly scheduled not one, not two, but three interviews back to back.

And halfway home you remembered you were out of milk...

And you decided to pick up some eggs too.

You sighed as you held the brown paper bags, and struggled to get your keys out. They fell to the ground. "Damn!"

You reached for them, just as someone else did.

"Rough day?" Donny got them for you and chuckled as he unlocked the door for you. He happened to just come back from work at the moment.

You both walked into the apartment. You flipped the lights on, he took the bags and set them on the kitchen counter as you took your coat off.

He put the groceries into the fridge, and smiled a little, appreciating that you brought some eggs...because he'd broken a lot of them accidentally that morning.

He was just nervous...Something that wasn't easy for him to admit, or even realize why.

"So, Y/n, how'd it go?" He turned over just as you set your coat onto the rack. And he saw a scar beginning at the right side of your neck, disappearing beneath your collar. You turned to him, but before you could answer, he saw the end of the scar. It ran from the right side of your throat to your left upper arm.

He was genuinely storming in his mind. He knew Boston was a rough town, but you had always been a bit calmer and smarter, and frankly more innocent. He wanted to know who gave you that scar, and who he'd fight for it.

"Where'd ya get that..." His voice was low, his eyes darting from the end of the scar back to your eyes, his brows furrowed.

You shook your head nad waved it off, "Ah, forget it."

"I won't."

The way he said it, you knew he meant it...

And if Donny Donowitz remembered anything, it was the face of every man who ever hurt one of his friends...

You sighed, "The pacific."

"Pacific?" He titled his head in confusion, "I thought you worked in the factory in the war."

"I did. But only for the last year of the war. Before that, I was a WAF." You knew he'd keep asking questions till he got the whole story, so you sat on the couch as you briefly explained, "We got shot down over some islands. I got this..." You gestured to your scar, a crude attempt at murder, and a ticket home the military called honorable discharge, but you called bullshit. Just a few months later,  the WASP program was shut down... "That was that..."

"I didn't know you shipped out..." He sat by you.

You shrugged, "Just a few weeks after you did." He nodded, understanding that was enough war talk for one night. "So...how did it go?" You smiled softly, "I got a job." "Why're you sad?" His lip pouted a little, though he didn't notice...you did... You noticed back in eighth grade, when he liked a girl... 'No...it can't be...I'm imagining things...' You denied everything, to yourself, and to him. "I'm not." He narrowed his eyes. "I've known you since fifth grade, and you're gonna lie to me  right in my face?" You turned your face away from him subtly, but he knew more than what you gave him credit for. He held your chin up gently, and turned your face back to his, "Hey, come on..." It was almost a whisper, but you could hear everything. The sincerity, the worry, the soft beginnings of love. Or at least, something like it. "You can tell me anything, kid." You sighed and leaned your head back onto the couch, "I used to be someone, Don..." Don... No one had called him that in so long. In fact, the last time he could remember someone calling him that was you, about seven years before, when you tutored him for a physics exam. Why he remembered that moment so vividly, he refused to explain to himself... But why he cared so much about it, and why it made him smile, he couldn't deny to himself. "What do you mean?" "I used to be a fucking pilot. I used to be head of my unit in the factory too for fuck's sake. I was top of the goddamn class all my life, and now all I can do is be a fucking secretary." You took a breath, "Now that the boys are home...girls like me have to stay home."

His heart broke in that moment... He could say anything, he could give you a million speeches, but not a word of it would change the truth of the matter. You, like millions of other women were robbed of the bit of humanity and freedom you had been given during war... Still, he tried his best... "Hey...Hey, come here." What possessed you to let yourself fall into his arms, you'd never know. But it didn't matter...because you did... And you fell for him, at last.  "You'll always be someone." "Yeah?"  Your head was in his lap, and you looked up at him. This time...This time he heard the sarcasm. He nodded, "Yeah. Everyone'll always be someone to somebody." What he really meant to say was: You'll always be everything to me... But somehow, after everything he did, every drop of blood he saw, every scalp he took...didn't matter. After all those years, he still couldn't muster up the courage to say it quite yet... "Easy for you to say, you killed fuckin' Hitler." You smirked as you looked up at him. His arms were around you protectively, his hands weaving their way through your hair, and his eyes tender, looking into yours. You'd known him for fifteen years... And you'd never seen his eyes like that before.

He smiled softly, and spoke like he'd been there all along, "You'll always be someone to me, doll..." Your heart skipped a beat, and in that moment, you found yourself in a place you never imagined. Far from war, out of a factory, and in someone's heart. You were home... And your head rested against his chest. The war was over, but there were still things worth fighting for... And from that moment on, it was you and Donny against the world.

Your lips pressed against Donny's in that moment. One of countless to come...

#Inglourious Basterds #inglourious basterds imagine #Donny Donowitz #donny donowitz x reader

[stars-and-rose]

marching/concert band! au: boys with crushes

basically,, I just went through band camp and gained inspiration for this au! also i just love it. so i wrote some cute little shippy scenes,, but it’s basically admitting they have crushs,, not a confession scene. yet. so have some band au! prinxiety and logicality minifics!! note, these take place in their junior year, so patton isn’t drum major yet- he’s drum captain,, and roman and logan aren’t heads yet!

----

Virgil adjusted the pin on his strap, glaring up at the sun as if he could prevent it from admitting heat. As much as he loved band, marching the same sets over and over in the burning sun wasn't his favorite pastime. He could practically feel his eyeshadow melting off, and his arms felt gross from the sunscreen he'd piled on. His water bottle was thankfully cool. It wasn't as cold as he would have liked, but it would do. Virgil took off the cap and chugged the water. Around him, the rest of tenors sat in the grass, enjoying the short water break before Thomas would order them all back into set zero. The band was getting the show down quicky. Sound-wise, there were some issues, but the marching was going nicely. Maybe that was because the tenor section had only gained two freshmen. Patton and Roman had complained at lunch about the ridiculous amounts of percussionists and flutists that had joined this year, but Virgil's section had gotten lucky. Speaking of the two freshmen, they were sitting next to him, talking loudly about cute guys. Virgil listened idly, deciding the girls had a decent taste in boys. Then, he heard, "You know the flute's assistant section leader? "Oh man, he's hot." "I know right? He's got really pretty eyes. I heard he plays lacrosse and is in choir too!" Alright, the girls had great taste, but that wasn't going to work. "Back off." Both girls whipped their heads around to look at him, confusion glowing in their eyes. "Huh?" "He doesn't know it yet, but Roman? He's mine." Virgil allowed himself to feel smug for a few seconds before he heard a familiar voice yell. "Yes! Virgil Tempest you amazing boy you just earned me twenty bucks!" It was Virgil's time to whip his head around. The head section leader of the tenor's, a boy named Joey, was grinning like a manic. "Cathy is going to lose her mind knowing you admitted it first!" "What? What are you talking about- did you make a bet on me? About what?" Virgil demanded. Ignoring the raging equipment manager, Joey yelled across the field, "Cat, I want my twenty!" There was silence for a few seconds before the flute's head section leader let out a groan. "Damn it Roman I had my faith in you, you shit!" ------- Logan slammed down the top of the printer, clicking the go button as he spun around. The other librarians were running around the library. It was the last game of the year- yet it seemed half of the band managed to lose their music. They had to leave for a neighboring high school in less than an hour, and Logan had arrived early to start the copying process. Even with the early start, they had only begun to make a dent. This year's head librarian, a girl named Leah, groaned from her spot at the paper cutter. "I've got an idea. We kill the entire band." The other assistant, a clarinetist named Theo, nodded their head from their position on the floor. "Perfect. You get brass, I'll get woodwinds, we'll team up to get percussion, and Logan will keep us out of jail." "Of course you make me the brains of your half-hazard homicide plots. Besides, you are afraid of blood Leah." She rolled her eyes, turning away from the paper cutter and almost knocking over the plant sitting on the edge of the table. Theo gasped. "You almost killed Roger! You'd break Patton's heart!" Speak of the devil. The drum captain entered the library, holding a bag from Lottie's. "Why are we breaking my heart?" "Leah almost knocked over the plant you bought," Logan explained with a small smile. Patton gasped. "I trusted you with Roger. Don't make me take him off you!" Theo snorted. "Is there a reason you're here, Pat? Love you, but hell is breaking loose in here." "Oh! Now I feel bad. I brought Logan some Crofter's cookies from Lottie's and some made him some coffee." As he spoke, Patton handed Logan the bag he was holding. Logan opened it, revealing wrapped jam cookies and his favorite galaxy coffee mug, warm to the touch. Leah and Theo shared a look. "Oh, it's okay, Pat." "We promise we're fine." "Oh, okay! If you say so. I gotta round up drumline." As soon as Patton was out of sight, Logan pulled a flashcard out of his pocket, cheeks burning. "I guess you would say I have a 'crush'." --------- "Oh man, I can't believe that was real." Patton smiled at the sophomore next to him. Michael still had a dreamlike look on his face, even though they had left All-State Orchestra four hours ago. In the front seat, Thomas chuckled. "You both did incredibly. I can't believe I got to take two kids to All States. Then, I get to take three to All-State Jazz, and Millie has two she's taking to All-State Choir." Patton nodded. "Virgil and Roman have been talking about it. I don't think I've seen Virgil without him humming his audition piece, and Roman's drunk before green tea in the past week than he has his entire life." Michael nodded. "I bet. How you'd like All States?" "Oh, it was so much fun! Though, my arm hurts." Thomas snorted. "That's to be expected. Your solo sounded amazing, Pat." Patton winced. "I almost missed the Director cueing me in." "It happens." Thomas turned the car onto a familiar street. "We're almost at the school. I love you guys but please make sure you have rides ready, and get your bags. We've got school tomorrow and we all need to be well-rested. "My dad told me he's already at the school," Michael replied. "What about you, Pat?" "My older sister told me I'd have a ride waiting for me." "Which Lark child will I be seeing tonight?" Thomas asked. "No idea!" After Thomas pulled into the school, Micheal giggled. "None. Look, Patton." Patton glanced out the window, and a grin formed on his face. Logan, wrapped in a blue overcoat held a sign reading, "Congratulation, Patton, ' in his beautiful cursive. His cheeks were flushed from the night, and when he met Patton's gaze, he offered a soft smile. "Boys." Patton breathed. "I think I'm in love." ------- "Huh. All of your notes are right." Evelyn practically chucked her flute into her lap. "This is hopeless! It's the end of me. I'm buying a plane ticket and flying to Idaho and becoming a potato farmer." Roman rolled his eyes. "Hey, I'm the drama queen of this section. You'll get it, Eve. Thomas wouldn't have given you the solo if he didn't think you could." "Can you play it again?" She asked, glaring at the sheet music. Roman raised his flute to his lips, closing his eyes. He'd played these measures multiple times with Evelyn, and playing was easier if he wasn't staring at his music. The soft melody filled the air. Then, Evelyn groaned. "You play it much better." Roman lower his instrument. "Maybe you're not putting enough feeling into it?" "What?" "Well, it's a ballad. A love story. A song about lovers who have finally reunited after a long war and are falling into each other's arms." "Yeah, Mr. Sanders told us that when he passed out the piece." "Pretend you're playing it for your girlfriend," Roman suggested. "Put all the passion into the piece, as if you were the soldier returning to their love." "Huh." Evelyn nodded. "Is that what you do?" "Yeah." "You're single though, right? Then who are you playing it for?" "Mmm. I imagine I'm seeing Virgil after he's been gone for years. I play it for him." "So, you finally admit you have the hots for Virgil? Took you long enough! Cathy is going to rage that she wasn't around to hear it." "Wait, huh? Eve you bitch! Get back here!"

#sanders sides #sanders sanders au #prinxiety #logicality #marching band! au #concert band! au #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #trumpeter! logan #percussionist! patton #saxophonist! virgil #flutist! roman #cursing tw #fluff #mini fic #thomas sanders #alternately titled: clueless gays but someone decided to give them instruments #man i love them #this fluff #is the calm before the storm #whoops- #emily writes

[chemiste]

She - H.S. soulmate au

blue - the first time you see them

It doesn’t matter how you see them. It could be a photo, a video, the back of their head on a crowded sidewalk. All that matters is that you’ve now seen them, your soulmate.

For most people, one day they may find themselves going about their schedule as planned. Maybe shopping, getting groceries, or going clubbing, and suddenly their world changes. They drop their new Prada purchase on the ground as they gaze up to the bright blue sky, the milk carton in their hand no longer a version of grey but bountiful sapphire, the drunk girl’s sequin dress now sparkling in the disco light a captivating periwinkle.

Hopefully, they’re able to get their bearings in time since sometimes, unfortunately, their soulmate won’t see them as they drive away from the store or leave the bar with other friends. But if they do, and that person looks up from the carton in their hand to the women holding a box of rice down the aisle, its like magic.

For you, it happened at a very young age. You had been at the mall with friends, going through the J-14 magazines in the back section of Claire’s.

“Oh my god! I got Zayn from the quiz!” your friend Maggie exclaimed excitedly. The rest of your gaggling group of 13-year-olds gathered around her as she pointed out the famed ‘which One Direction member will you marry!’ quiz in the magazine. You weren’t a big boyband fan and honestly didn’t know what she was talking about until you went over.

“Who?” You asked, going through big title names like Justin Bieber or Usher and not ringing any bells. She grinned, “It’s a new band that formed from the X-Factor, they are totally gorgeous and now I’m pleased to say I’ll be marrying”— she shoved the glossy paper in your face— “this one!!!”

You pulled the booklet back to take a better look. On the top of the page was a picture of five boys. They seemed to be on a bus of some sort you realized as Maggie pointed to the boy with the beanie in the far left of the photo. “That’s my future husband, isn’t he just dreamy?”

The girls around you giggled like all tweens would while looking at their celebrity crushes. Some exclaimed their love for other members like ‘Niall’ or ‘Louis and Liam’.

“Who’s that one?”

You drew your finger to the last member on the right, “That’s Harry Styles—“ “ The love of my life!” Your friend Bernice shouted—“He’s the youngest member and a total heartthrob as well!” Maggie laughed, throwing her hand out to poke Bernice in a teasing manner.

The photo had just been various shades of grey for you, nothing surprising. Plus, Claire’s was a mainly ‘pink store’ you’ve heard it been called by parents so it wasn’t until your group of friends walked through the food court and past the Dillard’s sign did you realized something major had changed.

You could see blue.

purple - the first time you hear them

A few months after your mall surprise, a school assembly had been called. You and a couple friends from math were walking together to the gymnasium for the pep rally being held to cheer on your band going to competition and briefly update students on what’s new. You had grown to love blue and always wore monotone outfits of various shades of the color but who could blame you? It was your FIRST color! The moment you saw the Dillard’s sign, you flipped.

You and your friends screamed and jumped around you in the middle of the mall which may have looked a bit funny to any bystanders, but then you suddenly all stopped and had the same realization— your soulmate must be somewhere in the mall!

Y’all searched for hours until coming to the conclusion that they must have left some time ago, but it still gave you hope that they must live in the area! You lived in Austin, Texas, and sure there was a slim chance that your soulmate could have been a tourist, but right in the middle of March? Not likely.

Unless they were here for SXSW, well then you were screwed.

“I see a couple of open bleachers over there.” One of your friends pointed out and you started to weave your way through the loud and crazy mess that was your school. A song started over the speakers and screams erupted from your fellow classmates.

You’re insecure

Don’t know what for

“What’s up with everyone?” You yelled to Anika as people belted out the lyrics to the specific song with more enthusiasm than you’d ever seen from the student body. “It’s a new song that just got released by that band from the UK! South Direct or something like that?”

Being the way that you are is enough

Your eyes lit up with recognition, “Oh, One Direction?”

Everyone else in the room can see it

Everyone else but you

Anika nodded and opened her mouth to say something more but the school somehow managed to get louder as they screamed the chorus to the song.

Baby you light up my world like nobody else

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed

But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell

You don’t know

Oh, oh

You don’t know you’re beautiful

You laughed at the scene before you and bobbed your head along with the song. As it came to a close you chatted with your friends while waiting for the principle to come out and give her introduction speech for the student and faculty. What you didn’t expect was to see her in an entirely different color than grey or blue.

It was purple.

Your eyes bulged out of your head as you whipped you head back up the bleachers on each side of you, desperate to see someone that had the same reaction as you to her dress.

You had heard your soulmate, and they had to be in this room.

yellow - the first time you hear them laugh

Yellow is an odd one for sure, any type of laugh, giggle, chuckle, snicker, or guffaw could spark this shade to life for you.

You were a junior in high school, studying in the library during you break period. You had kind of given up on the whole soulmate thing when your extensive research in middle school bore no results.

The minute the fateful assembly had been over, you raced home and looked through the yearbook for hours, trying to see if fate would show you your soulmate again. At school the next day you made sure you laughed, made eye-contact, brushed up against or touched in some way with EVERYONE you came in contact with.

You thought maybe they had missed picture day and so that should make it easier to pick them out, right? Wrong.

After the school year ended, you sort of stopped caring about the whole ordeal and had a strange resentment for the retched boyband that had given you another color to haunt you every day. As the group blew up, you avoided them at every turn, declining invitations to see their concert when they came to Dallas, instead choosing to listen to original movie scores and orchestra recordings, and Disney.

LOT’S of Disney.

You watched your friend bump into their soulmate at ACL, or heard them while tanning at Barton Springs, but never anything for you. You guessed that your soulmate must have moved right after the assembly or changed schools and that these were going to be the only colors you saw for the rest of your life.

I mean, sure, you could try one of the ‘soulmate finder’ apps, but in all honestly, they creeped you out and didn’t seem 100% certified. Who wants to record themselves laughing at a camera while wearing as much yellow as possible somewhere with blue and purple all around them?

When Etude No. 5 started to die out as the battery life in your headphones dropped to zero, you mumbled a quiet “fuck” and started digging through your backpack for the travel charge box you kept with you. That’s when you heard it.

Through the quiet brushes of flipped pages keyboard tunes, and scribbled lead, you heard a little laugh and some chatter come from the computer section that was only divided from you by a long bookshelf. You strained your ears to listen to what sounded like, an interview? From a computer? You shook your head, whatever it is it’s not like it matters, the librarian should come to force whoever it is to turn the volume down, and it probably won’t distract you from finishing your essay.

Roughly an hour later, you’ve completed your lovely paper on how things would have been different if women had been given more positions of power long ago (coughsexismcough) and slip on your aviator shades.

Your parents had given them to you as a birthday present freshman year, they were tinted blue so everything you looked at was, well, blue. You loved them and wore them all the time. It’s silly but they made you feel cool. You packed up and left the library as the school bell rang to end that day of class.

Only when you got home did you practically choke on the goldfish you’d not-so-graciously shoved in your mouth when you saw that your mother’s flower vase was filled with sunflowers.

Very yellow sunflowers.

“Fuck.” Was all you could say as you grabbed the whole carton of goldfish and went to your room.

green - the first time you dream of them

This color comes to many within the first few months they learn about the concept of having a soulmate. Little kids restless in their tiny racecar beds, thinking about the person that is meant for them. Often times, said children wake up to see the vibrant green leaves on the tree outside their bedroom window waving hello to them as the race off of to tell their parents about the dream they just had. The Dream.

Your friends all were able to see green by the time junior high was ending. It was a little disappointing to be the odd one out when they would make green friendship bracelets that of course you had but couldn’t see the happy color it produced, only the shade of grey over it.

You yourself were surprised when you didn’t have a dream of them the night after you saw blue, you guessed that maybe your mind had been so caught up on finding the person that it didn’t take a moment to actually think about what they would be like.

How they might react to one of your dad jokes that you take the liberty to present in a dramatic way, if they snore or not after a long day of work, or how they make their tea.

This is why it was a surprise you woke up one lovely summer day before your senior year to see that your journal was actually a lovely lime green with tiny lemons scattered on the cover, not red like you originally had guessed.

Your dream wasn’t anything defining of the person. In rare cases, people were able to see fragments of their soulmates while in dreams, but that was only one in a million, and no, yours didn’t magically let you see the person or where they lived but just connected the pieces of your first color moments.

The blue Dillard’s logo standing out to you in the mall.

Your school jamming out to music and the surprising appearance of the purple dress.

And— the laugh at the library.

Wait, hold on, the laugh from the computer at the library?! You fell back on your navy sheet cover pillow grasping your hair. How on earth was that the defining laugh? You had always assumed afterward that you must have heard it on your way out through the crowded foyer at school or when you had the windows down and you drove through your neighborhood.

“Well isn’t this perfect.” You mumbled to yourself as you climbed out of bed, noticing every piece of green that was spotted in your room. Your favorite sweater was jade, the mismatched sock you had put on last night with a blue one an emerald green. The family picture frame on the wall in the hallway a simple Olive.

Maybe the biggest surprise to you was that your old and ‘most comfortable recliner in all the world’ was a horrendous Feldgrau. Your parents found out you had finally achieved earth’s pigmentation when you came into the living room exclaiming, “Oh my god, how have we not gotten rid of this thing yet?! That color is disgusting!”

red - the first time you make eye-contact

This shade could sometimes be the first color a person sees or maybe the last, or not at all for those with blind partners. All your friends said it was an out of body experience, it’s not just seeing the shade of red but the connection between you and your soulmate just feels like electricity is shot into your veins and it’s hard to control your breathing in the moment because it’s so powerful.

Today was a lovely October day in the great Lone Star State and you were visiting a friend who was studying biophysics at UT.

“Y/N girl it’s been ages since I saw you! How’s the semester treating you?”

Danica asked you as you both sat on her sofa in her small apartment next to campus. She was a junior this year and used to live in your neighborhood, you had been friends for what seemed an eternity. She was smart as a whip and made everything seem brighter, she had short red hair and two freckles underneath her left eye that you had always admired.

“Everything’s well, I graduated early so now I’m taking college classes through community college until next year. Economics is kicking my butt though.” You state with a smile, taking the cup of Earl Grey that had been cooling in front of you.

Dan twiddled with her thumbs and mumbled something to you when you put down the teacup. You rolled your eyes, “Come on Danny, spit it out!” The girl next to you took a few moments as it seemed like she was having a debate with herself.

“Will you come to a concert with me?!” She finally blurted out. “I know it’s last-minute but everyone else seems to be only studying and I need my part wing woman!”

You laughed, Danica had always been a spontaneous chick, ready to do anything right in a second. You loved her for it and it took you to some very interesting places and events, plus lot’s of concerts.

Eyeing the crazy red-head who now had her head in your lap, you asked, “Who’s playing at the concert?”

She smiled sheepishly up at you, “Harry Styles…”

You dropped your head back on the couch behind you and groaned, looking up at her stuccoed ceiling. Dan jumped up from her position and propped up over you. “Please! I know you’ve got some weird vengeance against the band he used to be in but can you give him a chance to redeem just himself?” You blew a raspberry as she looked down from over you with sad puppy eyes.

“Fine!” You whine, admitting defeat where it was needed. She squealed and dropped down to straddle you for a hug, knocking the air out of your lungs at the same time she squeezed the life out of you while shouting, “Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!”

Danica popped off you and raced to her room, you stood up and followed the ecstatic girl to her sleeping quarters. A shirt flew out of the doorway that you managed to snatch from the air as you entered the doorway. “What on earth are you doing Dan?” You questioned with a smirk, leaning up against the wooden frame.

She threw a dazzling smile at you, “WE need to look our best for this concert and that means dressing up! Our soulmate could be there for all we know and this is the defining moment to show off if we’ll be just platonic soulmates or romantic soulmates.”

The two of you ended up going through her whole closet but eventually came down to the perfect outfits. Danica decided to go for a set of black skinny jeans, blue blowy tank top and some wedges that she swore were “the most comfortable heel in all creation”.

After a bit of debate, you decided to go for a pink skater dress, with black velvet strap ankle heels that you most definitely put gel pads into (lmao they are literally life savors). You couldn’t see the pink but you both always loved the specific shade of grey pink usually was so you went with it.

You both did your favorite makeup and took a bunch of photos in the wall mirror Danica had out in the living room before eating and grabbing a Lyft to the Moody Theater. On the ride there Dan talked about how she had won the tickets in a raffle that she had called drunk a few months ago and forgot about till she received the tickets in the mail a few days ago. You both walked arm in arm into the theatre, showing your tickets to the scanner.

“Excuse me! ‘scuse me, sorry about that!” Danica chirped as she practically dragged you to the front of the standing crowd, you couldn’t believe how close the stage was, and surprising how low it was too. Usually, when you would go to a concert with her, the stage was almost five feet high, but the ACL Live one was only about three, making it seem cozier or more connected with the audience and performer.

When the lights went down in the audience and the stage lights shined back up at you, it was amazing.

The overhead lights cast down on the first few rows of people crammed around the stage and it was so surreal. Save for those few dozen people, you couldn’t really see anything behind them except for a couple of phone lights and the silhouettes of bodies anxiously awaiting the arrival of Mr. Harry Styles.

“I love his new album, Fine Line, it makes me cry every time I get to the end of the track!” Dan said to you while bouncing up and down ready to jam.

You smiled and gave her a big hug, “Well here you are up and in person with the man that sings to you every night.” She sighed, “I wish he could just be my soulmate, I mean we’re practically made for each other!”

You both laughed but were overtaken by screams as a man walked out wearing a different shade of grey, white pants, and black boots. On his hands were the signature rings of his initials as well as blue and yellow-painted nails.

He struck a pose that slightly confused you but when Dan lost her mind with the rest of the crowd, you went along with it and clapped too.

What do you mean?

I’m sorry by the way

Never coming back down

Your eyes widened a bit as you actually knew the song, “I’ve heard this on the radio countless times!” you shout to Dan who gives you a thumbs up.

Can’t you see?

I could, but wouldn’t stay

Wouldn’t put it like that

What do you mean?

I’m sorry by the way

Never coming around

Be so sweet if things just stayed the same

(La-da-da-da-da)

It was strange really, it seemed like the blue you once knew as a lightly mellow pastel turned very bright and sharp, the backset lights flickering between shades of blue you’d never noticed before.

Huh? You scanned the crowd that was lit in front a bit, seeing if there could be a slim chance that the missing piece of your life puzzle could be here.

All the lights couldn’t put out the dark

Runnin’ through my heart

Lights up and they know who you are

Know who you are

Do you know who you are?

Shine, step into the light

Shine, so bright sometimes

Shine, I’m not ever going back

You closed your eyes and shook your head, looking back up at the man with suspenders before you. The song comes to a close and the audience erupts in applause and cheers.

“Hello Austin! ’s wonderful to meet ‘ye here, ‘m Harry.”

Purple lights flood the crowd and you cheer with the crowd, throwing a ‘hello!’ into your welcome cry.

Strangely, the musician seems to catch something in the crowd as his eyes get big and glance over the whole auditorium. Harry seems to snap out of it and you think nothing of it as he finishes the introduction and goes through a couple more songs.

He sings Watermelon Sugar, (which gets a few moans out of Danica) Canyon Moon, and then Adore You. After the final verses from the song, he takes a swig of water and a moment to chat with the crowd.

“Texas is somthin’ id’n’t ?” Well, that got the crowd going. Telling a bunch of Texans that their state is pretty cool? That will get them riled up. He continues, “It’s such a big state! My whole birth country could fit in ‘ere with room to spare!”

He grabs his guitar and starts to strum a bit on it. He looks down and says into the mic, almost like he was bashful to tell a certain secret.

“This next song I’m gonna play for you I wrote… about a certain someone.”

Shouts were thrown at the stage faster than bras during Kiwi, most of them consisting of ‘Soulmate!’ The British man definitely heard them as a small smile graced his face.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before throwing his arms out and stating, “I’ve never told the story behind this song so why don’t I do it deep in the heart of Texas?”

Crowds. Loud. (You get the point.) Dan basically was squeezing the life out of your arm she was so excited him he said that.

“This song is about, a person that is constantly on my mind, for those of you that don’t know through the deep dark web—” a couple chuckles fill the air “— I am one of the lucky people that can dream sort of ‘bout their soulmate.” This got some gasps in the audience, but surprisingly stayed quiet, hanging off his every word. “I see them, in flashes, and there’s such a strong connection it’s sometimes hard to get out of bed in the morning.” He cleared his throat as though taking a moment before stepping off a cliff.

“I wrote this song, so hopefully I find her. Here’s She.”

The audience ate it up as the intro started, all excited to hear his song now with the new knowledge.

Nine in the morning

The man drops his kids off at school

And he’s thinking of you

Like all of us do

Sends his assistant for coffee in the afternoon

Around 1:32

Like he knows what to do

The crowd is enraptured with the performance, swaying and singing along. But you just stand there as you try and decipher the emotions running through you. It’s unlike anything you’ve felt before. Maybe the gravity of his song weighs on you more than you realize.

She (she)

She lives in daydreams with me (she)

She’s the first one that I see

And I don’t know why

I don’t know who she is (she, she)

He scans the crowd, just the tops of heads. It’s hard to make eye-contact when singing the song cause it evokes so much emotion. But as he turns around to glance at his bandmates during a small pause between verses, he’s blown away at the sight of blue lighting the wall behind him.

You watch as he turns back around frantically scanning on the opposite side of the crowd you’re on before closing his eyes and singing a few more verses of the song.

Lives for the memory

A woman who’s just in his head (just in his head)

And she sleeps in his bed (his bed)

While he plays pretend (pretend)

So pretend (pretend)

You decide to copy him and just move your body to the rhythm of the song, letting it flow through you like you’ve never let a melody do before.

She (she)

She lives in daydreams with me (she)

She’s the first one that I see

And I don’t know why

I don’t know who she is (she, she)

She (she)

She’s the first one that I see (she)

She lives in daydreams with me

And I don’t know why

I don’t know where she is (she, she)

As he finishes the last verse, he walks while playing around the stage and dances with the other guitar solo that plays on. He dancewalks the edge of the stage looking at all the people in the audience, some reach out to him, others have cell phones pointed up, and some just smile.

Then he starts coming closer to where you and Danica are standing. You look over to see her buzzing like a hummingbird and laugh. The lights in the crowd flood yellow as a strong chord is hit on the guitar and Harry is immediately looking over to your area. His behavior piques your interest but nevertheless you focus back on Dan who looks like he’s made eye-contact with.

Harry knees down to her as she almost faints from the closeness in proximity to her.

“Wha’s your name love?” She squeaks and says, “Danica!” You chuckle at her response and turn to look at the man who’s still crouched down by you.

That’s when you make eye-contact.

You’d been told stories and secondhand experiences about the moment you finally see your soulmate fully and your wonders never amounted to this moment. It was as though everyone else had disappeared and the only people that existed were you two. You felt like a bolt of lightning had struck you in your spot. Your lungs were heavy to breathe with and only when you both snapped out of your small trance did you take a deep breath.

You faintly smile and let out a sigh. Finally. You glanced down to his shirt when your peripheral vision caught sight of something new.

“Nice shirt ya got there. I love the suspenders too.” His eyes crinkled from his smile at your comment.

“Quiet a lov’ly dress I see you wearing.” You look down to see that ironically, you both are matching in fuchsia attire.

You look back up at the man who has now stood and is realizing the song has ended but really REALLY doesn’t want to leave the spot he’s in.

You nod toward the microphone that was waiting for him in the mic stand. He smiles and with a bit of spring in his step, he walks back over and turns to his bandmates to chat for a second.

“What the fuck.”

Oh right, Dan is here. Along with lots of people around them. You look quickly to your left and right and breathe thankfully as it seemed the people around you were too drunk to care and luckily didn’t seem to be recording.

But Danica was there, and she was gobsmacked.

You grin at her and shrug your shoulders. It takes a moment of just staring at you dumbfoundedly before she socks you on the arm and shouts, “I can’t believe you had a vendetta against your soulmate’s band!”

orange - the first time you touch time

The concert ends, very well and happily. His encore was fantastic and you definitely noticed as few hip moves thrown your way when he sang Kiwi at the end. You honestly don’t know what to do when a bright white light washes over the room to let people trickle out and go home.

You walk with Dan to the side of the stage where a security guard was stationed by a small door that most likely led to the stage. You turned to Dan right before you went up to the beefy guy with a taser, “What in the world am I supposed to say?! I can’t outright say, ‘hey I’m Harry’s soulmate, he just met at the concert and I wanted to get backstage’ now can I?!”

The security guard seems to have noticed both of you now since you’re dressed in a bright pink dress you now realize and are kinda failing around. Basically a giant pink target. You know you’re done for when he opens the gate and is walking to the crowd arena you’re in but then, a flash was pink and white flies through the stage door and past the guard. You hear several people shouting from whatever corridor the door is connected to as you’re picked up and swung around.

You cling to the person holding you as you take a deep breath of their cologne, it’s warm vanilla. You open your eyes and gasp as you see the Longhorn’s banner standing out in bright burnt orange block letters. You’re finally set down and you’re able to see him clearly for the first time without stage lights and 3 feet of space between you.

“My name is Y/N.”

Harry smiles and laughs, “ello’ soulmate, I’m so happy to find you.”

You tuck your face into his chest, not caring that he was pretty sweaty after a full concert, hell you probably are too. “Thank you for the song,” you say when you look back up at him, “it’s wonderful.”

“Oh, I’ve got plenty more for you love.”

<3

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles one shot #harry styles x reader soulmate au #soulmate au #fine line #harry styles fine line #one direction #harry styles concert #marvel

[wonderlandmind4]

Delicate Stages Drabbles: 19

Just Feel...

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC 

Summary: Drabbles following Delicate Stages. Looking into the life of Bucky and Ana.

Warnings: Language. Feels. Fluff if you squint. Violence. Angst.

Words: 3,026

A/N: (I accidentally deleted the first posted because tumblr is mean) Hi. So. Here it is….the beginning of the end…game….(Do not read unless you’ve read Delicate Stages first)

Wakanda is a beautiful country; filled with stunning sunsets, hidden hot springs, open fields and a general peacefulness over its people. It shouldn’t be colored with the violence that is currently happening below Ana as she stands in front of the window. From the top floor of the Lab, the fighting looks morbidly comically, just little specks running around the landscape.

Tremors of chaotic energy have singed through every fiber of Ana’s body for the past hour. Her bottom lip is raw from how often her teeth has been gnawing on it. The heaviness of anxiety is nearly palpable throughout the room, although it’s overtaken with her own feelings of distress.

Her husband is out there, armed with just a few knives and a semi-automatic rifle, and every piece of her heart. Bucky is putting his life on the line for the fate of the universe, despite how tired he is of war. Ana isn’t. Instead, she’s attempting to ignore how her skin prickles ominously, faint tendrils of charged power.

Ana has no way of communicating with Bucky. She wasn’t given a COM and she highly suspects Bucky requested it. The lingering warmth of his energy is all the connection she has with him. It’s not enough to settle her nerves. She glances over her shoulder at Shuri and Vision; the 3D hologram of the Mind Stone intricately worked on. The young girl’s expression is stoic as she concentrates, deft fingers moving rapidly. Vision is perfectly still, watching her work with curious eyes. Wanda idles nearby, picking at her nails. She’s been mostly silence, adding to the stress of the time sensitive issue.

Fleeting, Ana wonders if she should reach out her empathic healing to at least settle some of Wanda’s anxiety. But Ana is barely holding her own together as it is. She presses her left hand to chest, feeling the cool metal of her wedding band against what’s exposed of her skin above her shirt. Stabs of panic shoots through her heart, makes nausea curl hotly in her stomach.

Wincing, she moves her hand over her navel, squeezing her eyes shut and grinding her teeth. She tries taking slow, deep breaths to calm herself. Bucky is all she can think about. What is happening? Is he in trouble? Is he hurt? Does he need help? Is he-

A quiet gasp snaps Ana out of her thoughts. She glances at Wanda, her eyes wide and staring out the window. Following her gaze, Ana’s spine goes rigid. Several giant alien ships, with wheels that looks like a rotating saws, are attempting to break through the barrier. Twenty seconds later, the barrier fails. Ana quickly meets Wanda’s eyes.

There’s a split second where they just stare at each other, then Wanda shoots a regretful look over her shoulder at Vision. When she looks at Ana again, they nod at the same time, and newfound determination settles between them.

Ana twists her rings on.

*

They are surrounded. It’s been like that since a section of the barrier was opened; one right after one, after ten. A non-stop on slaughter of the six limb Space Dogs, as that trigger-happy talking Raccoon called them. Bucky keeps his eye on him ever since he picked him up and used him as valued support, showering bullets and lasers alike. He figures he’d keep him close by in case he needs help again. No matter how many times the little guy continues to barter for his gun...and his arm. Honestly, Bucky would probably just give his arm to him after this is all over for free. That might be met with violent protests; especially from his wife.

 Bucky has just fired a string of bullets into the next wave of terrifying, ugly aliens, and for a split moment he takes a breath. It’s short lived when one of the creatures ambushes him, or attempts to, dashing out from the thick of the forest. He shoots it down but doesn’t account for the next two. They come at him incredibly fast, snarling and snapping their long sharp teeth, but even quicker they fall to the ground, dead. Bewildered, Bucky peers down at them to see two long knifes lodged through their necks.

 Turning, he expects to see Natasha, or the little Raccoon. What he’s met with instead makes his heart swell, then seize in terror. His wife is casually leaning against a tree, twirling another knife expertly between her fingers. Ana looks like she’s at a practicing range instead of a violent battle field.

 “Glad to see my skills are up to par,” She smirks mischievously, her pretty brown and gold eyes glittering in the sunlight. It warms his heart.

 There’s a pale golden shimmer dancing along her entire body. Bucky doesn’t allow himself to feel relieved that she’s at least protected by the rings. He surveys their surroundings first, then marches over to her, pointing his gun down toward the sky.

 “What the hell are you doing here!?” Bucky hisses at her. He has an urge to touch her, his fingers twitching, but if he does, the force field will knock him back and drain a good amount of his life energy.

 “Helping you.” Ana states defiantly, as she twists the rings off and the glow vanishes. “We couldn’t stay in the Lab, Bucky. Not after those ships broke through.” Her lips tilt down. “The minute Wanda left they attacked, went after Vision. Either way I would have fought.”

 Bucky nods, now able to pull her behind a tree to shield them from sight. He wraps his metal arm around her shoulders, pressing a quick kiss to her eyebrow, and reveling in the comforting scent of her. Still doesn’t stop his heart from racing.

 “Why am I not surprised,” He mumbles against her skin. His eyes are continuously scanning the area behind her. “I just need you to be safe.”

 “Bucky, I can fight, and right now I don’t think there is a safe place. Anywhere.”

 Her voice shakes a little at the end. It makes him set down his rifle against a tree before bringing her in close with both arms. Bucky can’t risk this. He can’t risk everything Ana holds for him; his life, his happiness, his future. He exhales heavily, sliding his hands down her arms to her waist. He presses his thumbs on either side of her hipbones, just over the beginning of her scars. He kisses her furiously, prying her lips open and tasting every ounce of emotions, of Ana.

 She sinks her hand into his tangled sweat damp hair, pulling him closer and sighing softly. He swallows it, wants to distract her enough to bring her home. To make sure she’s out of the line of fire, out of the fight entirely. He’ll never tell her how close he was to having dozens of razor-sharp teeth ripping out his throat. It’s too dangerous, but he knows his defeat when it comes to his wife. Self-preservation is something Ana has always lacked, but he loves every single part of her.

 “Stay hidden,” He commands quietly, after breaking their kiss. He presses his forehead to hers. “Fight in the shadows. I can’t lose you.” He rubs soothing circles into her stomach with his thumbs; he felt the strange wave of nausea earlier too.

 “You won’t. I’ll be careful,” Ana whispers, holding his face between her hands. A gentle warmth seeps throughout his bones, a promise. “I love you. I’ll watch your back.”

 Ignoring all the warning signs screaming that this is a horrible idea, Bucky kisses her once more. “I love you, too, Annie Doll.”

 Then he’s releasing her, picking his gun back up. He pulls another knife from his thigh holster, handing it to her. She nods, winks, then quickly moves into a thick patch of bushes. Bucky tampers down his fear, then returns to the fight.

 *

 The air is thick with kinetic energy. Ana inhales deeply, pulling it out of the air, gathering the force of energy between her hands. She feels the charge of it hot against her palms, hears the animalistic sounds of those hideous aliens. She waits with anticipation, until the creatures are right where she wants them. Then she shoves her hands against a loose boulder, sending it flying with the kinetic energy. It smacks right into the three aliens, crushing them against a larger wall of rock.

More wet, snapping sounds alert Ana to the aliens behind her. Spinning, she pulls out the glock she found in the Lab, firing a perfect shot straight through the creature’s eye. It drops to the ground. Another follows immediately, Ana firing, but misses as the alien dodges the bullets. Instead, she’s quick to grab the knife Bucky handed her, jerking her hand forward. The blade slices perfectly through its neck, the alien falling dead next to its kind.

A figure shifts out of the corner of her eye, Ana throwing several smaller knives at three other aliens. She ends the last four of them by thrusting her hands out. One barely touches her palms before a bright, burning light engulfs its body. She feels the foreign life force of the alien before it falls, dead. Pulling back her arms, she shoves them forward once more. A force of burning energy releases from her palms, piercing through the aliens bodies.

Blinking, Ana straightens, feeling a little out of breath, but otherwise perfectly fine. She surveys the ground, realizing she’s standing in the middle of a morbid circle, lifeless ugly alien bodies on the ground.

“Gross,” She grimaces to herself as she pulls Bucky’s knife out of a jugular.

She hurriedly goes about collecting the other small knives, cleaning them on her black pants. She ignores what she is exactly cleaning off and makes a mental note to not tell Bucky how close she had to be to drain the alien’s life. It’s that split second distraction that nearly costs her own.

That horrible alien noise comes from behind her. She’s too slow as she raises her hands, the alien within two feet of her before there’s a bright blue light over her left shoulder. It abruptly crumbles to the ground. Startled with confusion, Ana turns to see who just saved her.

Surprisingly her savior isn’t Bucky, or Steve, not even Wanda who has disappeared elsewhere. Instead, a smaller body holding what looks like a laser gun, is standing there with a satisfied smirk. Ana doesn’t even question why there seems to be a raccoon with a gun half its size in Wakanda.

“Thanks,” Ana nods in appreciation, sticking the last of the smaller knives into her belt. She surveys the area quickly before meeting the his gaze again. She pushes aside strays hairs loose from her braid. “Cool gun.”

“Neat trick you got there,” He tells her, with a voice deeper than Ana imagined. “What is it, some kind of plasma energy force?”

“You know, I’m not entirely sure. Let’s go with, yes.”

A frustrated yelp that sounds suspiciously like Bucky pulls her attention away. Ana hurriedly climbs on a fallen tree branch, enough of a height boost to see Bucky through a clearing. He’s just finished yanking his left fist back from under an alien’s chin, knife clutch in his hand, the blade bloody. Ana pulls her gun back out, aiming for a moment, then squeezes the trigger, the bullet penetrating through the oddly shaped head of the creature.

Bucky looks over, raising his knife and has the audacity to smirk. “Thanks, my darling spouse!”

Exasperated, she rolls her eyes. “Told you I got your back! Gotta work on your rusty skills, Snowflake. ”

“Not all of my skills are rusty, sweetheart,” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, then takes off running towards more trees.

“I swear, always in the mist of a fight and he still flirts,” Ana grumbles, but she can’t keep the smile of her face as she comes down from the rock.

“Huh,” The raccoon speaks up, his dark eyes glittering with interest as he appraises her. “Think your husband will sell his gun to me?”

“Most likely not.”

“How about his arm?”

Ana pauses, flashing a coy smile at him. “Possibly, but I love it way too much.” She winks before she takes off to find more coverage to stay hidden.

“I like her!” The raccoon’s amused voice echoes behind her.

*

There’s a small window of rest, the waves of aliens having ceased since Thor continued to use his new weapon. Flexing her fingers from the feeling of his leftover powers, Ana uses what she can to morph the air around her. She may be able to convey an encouraging force to everyone within 100 yards. She catches Sam’s eye from the distance, who nods and salutes her in gratitude. Then, she decides to find Bucky.

The sounds of his gunfire stopped echoing through the forest several minutes ago and she hasn’t seen him since. Ana opens her mouth to call out to him- then instantly chokes, clutching her chest with vice fingers. It feels like a freight train pierced through her chest, her heart constricting for a few terrifying moments.

Ana’s breath sticks in her throat as she looks to her right. Nothing is there, but it’s coming, she can feel it. Backing and stumbling away from a spot ten feet in front of her, she quickly retreats behind a tree, leaning on it for support. Whatever energy that is gathering is making it difficult to breathe.

The air shifts, the leaves fluttering chaotically in the wind that just picked up. There’s nothing but the rustle of the trees, the stirring of the dirt. Eerily quiet; like an eye of a hurricane.

Wind suddenly pulls towards an invisible vortex of gray clouds in one spot. A bright blue light appears, electric currents racing through black fog. It makes the hairs on Ana’s arms stand on end; makes her blood sing with an incredible surge of power.

Then, he appears, emerging from the blue gray smoke. Thanos.

“Cap,” Bruce speaks up in the short distance, his voice low and determined. “That’s him.”

Ana barely hears what Steve says in return, the rushing of blood in her ears too loud. She’s too busy attempting to regulate her breathing, to keep herself from being crippled by the immense amount of power. She needs…she needs Bucky. Bucky can help her. She needs…her rings. She had only turned them off again to help Natasha up after a brutal scuffle with an alien. Shakily, Ana twists her rings on, the immediate relief of energy around her stabilizing.

She straightens up, finally able to breath properly. She peaks around the trunk of the tree, just in time to witness the action in front of her. Banner in the Hulk-Bluster suit sprints towards the intimidating Titan. The giant man clenches his fist with the golden glove, blue light emitting from a stone. Ana gaps as Bruce phases right through him, rolling on the ground. Thanos traps him against a boulder, fusing the rocks over the suit.

Appearing out of nowhere, Steve attacks, proving futile. With one swipe of his hand, he sends Steve flipping through the air, landing heavily on the ground. T’Challa ambushes an attack, jumping to gain higher ground. Thanos grabs him by the jugular before punching him hard in the face, knocking him to the dirt despite the Black Panther suit absorbing blow. Sam tries swooping in, firing his guns, but it’s useless. Thanos swats him out of the air like a fly.

Ana raises her hands, ready to attack from behind, when other wave of power hits her once more. Distracted, she moves around the tree, watching as Wanda begins to destroy the Mind Stone in Vision’s forehead. It’s too much.

It’s all too much. The rings barely feel like they’re working; she can feel everything. The unprecedented energies from each separate stone. From Thanos wielding that energy. To the residue from the earlier fighting. Wanda’s powers and her emotional turmoil; heartbreaking anguish.

Colonel Rhodes follows behind Sam, coming in hot. He too, is tossed to the side like a speck of dust. The mad Titan has barely touched anyone. Through the mist of everything, Ana closes her eyes, focusing everything into her center. Once she’s got most of it tamed, her eyes snap open, looking for a way to surprise the purple prick.

 His glove. The gauntlet. Remove the gauntlet from his hand. If she angles herself just right, she may be able to blast the damn thing off with an energy beam. Unfortunately, she doesn’t get a chance.

Horror constricts her heart as she watches Bucky sprint full sped at Thanos, firing his gun with precision at him. Ana nearly screams his name, ready to aid her husband. Then the titan clenches his fist, a bright purple light emitting from the glove. It hits Bucky in the chest, slamming him hard into the ground. He lands close to Ana, who soundlessly rushes to him, dropping to her knees as she quickly turns the rings off.

“Bucky!? Bucky? Oh god, please be okay,” She pleads, fear making her fingers tremble as she grips his arms. He groans, slow to get up, but turns to face to her. Relief floods through her veins.

“Goddamnit!” He growls, fingers digging in the dirt. His blue eyes are full of anger, melting away the moment he meets her gaze. He offers her the tiniest quirk of a smile, pushing himself to his knees with her help. There’s a bit of blood at the corner of his mouth that she wipes away with her thumb, then on her pants.

“M’fine, Ana,” Bucky breathes, lifting his dirty hand to push the stray hairs away from her face. “Get the hell out of here. Now.”

Ana is about to furiously protest, absolutely refuse to leave her husband, her friends, as they get thrown around effortlessly like crumpled paper. But then she catches sight of Steve, running at Thanos as he advances towards Wanda and Vision. He slides underneath his arm, stands, landing a few punches. He loses his new shields in the process.

Bucky turns with confusion, until his shoulders tense, his body growing rigid. They both watch as Thanos thrusts his gloved hand towards Steve. He catches it with is bare hands. Ana has a horrible feeling this isn’t going to end well. And she knows with a heavy dreading thought, that she can officially end it. Not just blasting the glove off, no. She can end Thanos.

Taking advantage of Bucky’s distraction, Ana stands with a final resolve. She turns the rings on once more, clenching her fists. All her energy, every once of energy she had been collecting, positive, negative, charged, kinetic, surges through her. She gathers what she can take from the sheer presence of the stones, hot and heavy from the air for more amped power. Ana sprints pass Bucky, just as Steve is punched solidly in the head, knocked out cold.

She ignores Bucky’s cries of desperation, begging her to stop. Instead, she takes a page from Steve’s book, and slides. She skids under and between Thanos’ legs, popping up and twisting forward. It’s a clear element of surprise to the Titan, surprise on his grimacing face that gives her the split moment she needs.

Wasting no time, Ana thrusts both hands at his chest, shooting her powers into him. Inhaling, she pulls internally, attempting to at least drain some of his energy. She feels it burning through her veins, wonders if her skin is on fire, the white-hot searing of his energy boiling beneath her palms. Ana grits her teeth, vaguely aware she’s growling in exertion. Thanos stumbles forward, but she holds her ground, locking her knees and continues to concentrate on taking his life force.

“Impressive, child.”

Ana barely registers the taunting deep voice, opening her eyes just in time to see Thanos raise his gloved fist. As quick as the flashing of light around them, Ana switches her target. She catches his hand in hers. She changes gears, beginning to pull from the stones themselves.

That’s the real issue here. The power of the Stones. Her right hand slips slightly, her fingers grazing over the stone embedded in the last knuckle of the glove. She yelps, either from pain or the new surge of power coursing through her. The once golden light surrounding them, slowly morphs to orange around her body.

Thanos sneers. He clenches the gauntlet, closing his fist and yanking his hand back. Abruptly, the connection breaks, stealing the air from Ana’s lungs with it. She can’t catch her breath now, despite Thanos stumbling and heaving. She doesn’t hesitate, throwing her arms forward, attempting to send out an energy blast.

Suddenly, Ana’s feet are whipped up from the ground. An invisible force wraps around her body before she’s thrown to the side, heading straight towards a wall of rock. Her back slams into the boulder, a deafening crack echoing behind her.

She doesn’t feel the blow of the impact, just feels the soft ground as dropped on, disorientated on her hands and knees. The rings shield must’ve protected her, absorbed most of the force. Still, Ana feels utterly winded, exhaustion threatening to weigh down her bones. At least the rings saved her from serious injuries…possibly even her life.

Ana attempts to get up but she’s breathless, her energy making her waver and she kneels to the ground, trying to press her hands to her chest. She feels like her blood is singing with power, a new power. A strange, unknown power that’s keeping her rooted to the spot.

Weakly, she lifts her head to see Thanos advancing towards Wanda. She moves one arm behind her, blasting her power at full force to hold Thanos back. It seems to be working, Wanda using her powers to her full ability.

All Ana can do is watch from the sideline, willing herself to just move already. An invading thought, a cold chilling terror overcomes her for a moment, but before she can panic and check for a major injury, a heavy thud lands next to her.

“Annie! Fuck, are you okay!? Are you hurt!?” Bucky frantically questions, hands hovering over her shimmering body. “Darling, answer me, please.”

His voice, weighed with concern, fear, warmth, refills her lungs. She gasps, as if whatever was choking her vanished with her husband’s presence. She feels a flood of relief wash over her heart, from Bucky. Regulating her breathing, focusing on the air entering and exiting her lungs, Ana finally gathers her strength back. Enough to twist off the rings. Immediately, Bucky’s comforting hands are on her back, running along the length of her body, checking for injuries.

“What the fuck were you thinking, baby?” He murmurs. Ana catches the tremor in his voice.

Before she can even open her mouth to answer him, there’s a sudden shout, a blinding light, and an explosion of power. The strong blast knocks Ana and Bucky back, landing a good distance away from each other. Disorientated once more, Ana groans as she sits up.

 “No.”

A horrified whisper makes Ana lift her eyes. She landed close to Steve, who just seems to be getting up from that blow he took from Thanos. His eyes are locked on the scene in front of him, causing Ana to follow his line of sight. Her panic is silent as she watches Thanos use the green stone to reverse what Wanda just did. He brings back Vision.

It all happens so fast. The mind Stone is ripped away as he careless drops Vision’s lifeless body. It’s placed on the last and final space on the glove. The strongest surge of power overtakes the titan, now equipped with all six Infinity Stones. Right then, the air crackles with lightning. A blinding stream of light, then, Thor is shoving his ax through Thano’s chest.

For a moment, for one short, beautiful moment, Ana thinks it’s all over. That they won. Thor pushing the blade of his ax further into that psycho’s chest. The moment is gone when Thanos raises his gloved hand, and snaps. Thor shouts. Bright light flashes, temporary blinding everyone.

The light fades. The smell of burning metallic taints the air. A moment passes.

“What did you do!?” Thor demands furiously. “What did you do!?”

Using the power of a stone, Thanos disappears.

-

Everything is silent afterwards. Eerily so. It’s as if all the oxygen has left Wakanda. Ana stands shakily. The universe feels tilted, off. Her spine goes rigid. It’s like ice is seeping throughout her bones, chilling her to the core. Energy on a giant scale seems to drain from her body, as if someone just pulled a plug.

She stares at her hands for a moment, wondering where it is coming from. Something is wrong. Her left hand has gone numb. A foreign tingling sensation begins to burn at her fingertips. She feels utter bemusement through her chest.

A sharp gasp is ripped from her throat. It felt like an invisible fist just punched through her heart. Her hands fly to her chest. She doesn’t understand, can’t figure out what that was. She just suddenly feels like half of her life energy is leaving her.

“Steve?”

Ana knows that voice from miles away; Bucky. There is perplexity in his tone, an underlining of fear. She turns, spotting him walking towards them, his gun pointing in the air. 

“Annie?”

Frowning, she takes a step forward as Bucky looks down at his left hand. His fingers abruptly morph into a murky color. All breath ceases in Ana’s throat as her body grows cold. Her eyes widen in terror.

Bucky’s metal fingers crumble right before their very eyes. Ashy dark pieces begin to break apart his legs. His entire left arm starts to fade away, the gun falling from his right hand as he tries taking a staggering step towards them. His gray-blue, panic-stricken eyes snap to Ana.

“No.” She whispers, horrified.

Ana swears her heart halts in her chest as she reaches out towards him. She shuffles forward, one foot after the other, willing herself to move quicker. She breaks into a jog. Bucky’s entire body is fading into gray, disintegrating right before her very eyes.

 If she can get to him, if she can catch him, maybe just maybe, if she can touch him, she can save him, keep him together. Just as Ana dives on her knees, Bucky collapses, his body crumbling into a cloud of dust, her fingers grasping at fading particles.

No.

 Her heart disintegrates.

 “B-Bucky?” She breathes, voice trembling.

 Her hands shake violently as she stares at them covered in what looks like ashes. She can’t- she doesn’t- she lowers her hand onto the pile on the ground, fingerings digging into the soil. She doesn’t even register Steve kneeling next to her, his bruised, bloody hand grazing the spot between them.

 Bucky. Where did Bucky go?

 “I,I,I can’t- feel,” Ana stutters inaudible. “I can’t f-feel you. Bucky...I c-can’t feel…I can’t feel you.”

 The air around her vanishes, conceding with her chest. She briefly glances up, just to see that walking and talking tree creature reach out towards the talking raccoon. The tree fades away into the air. Wanda clutching a lifeless Vision in her arms quietly vanishes.

 No.

 Startled cries begin to taint the air. Worried, scared voices calling out names. Ana hears nothing but the shattering of her soul. Her eyes snap back to her hands sinking into the earth where Bucky should be. Bucky should be in front of her. Ana suddenly doesn’t know where she is anymore. She’s clutching the earth, gripping, pulling, praying, begging. Begging to feel him, to feel his energy.

 She can’t feel Bucky.

“I can’t feel you,” She whimpers in shock. “I can’t feel you.”

This can’t be real. She squeezes her eyes shut, bringing her left up to claw at her chest as the other remains in the dirt. This can’t be real. Her throat feels like it’s on fire, blood is rushing to her ears, her body curls in on itself. Her veins feel cold. Her breath is gone and her heart....she can’t feel her heart. Her chest is an empty void.

 This can’t be real.

“Oh God,” Steve exhales in horrified distress.

“You are all now at the mercy of the great Thanos,” The blue skinned alien, who had injured Vision just before Ana arrived on the field, speaks up, emerging between the trees. The last of the mad Titan’s goons. “You should be grateful for his-“

The words die in his throat. She doesn’t know when or how she stood up, Ana just knows her hand is now over the alien’s ugly face, as if she’s in a trance. A wet, gargling noise disturbs the eerie air, the alien’s limbs jerking sporadically as his face begins to glow a bright blue. The light engulfs his entire body before turning white, his skin burning beneath her palm. A short blast flashes, followed by a heavy thump. The light fades, the air once again swirling with particles.

Ana pants, finally tearing her eyes away from the spot Bucky should be. The alien’s lifeless body stares back at her, thick streams of blue blood oozes out of every orifice on his face. His skin is marred, the smell of burnt flesh her stinging her nose.

Her knees buckle, falling to the ground. Her body trembles violently. Everything is empty. There’s a hallow ache between her ribs. A darkness pressing all around her. Suffocating her. Taking her. She wants it to take her.

Ana can’t feel Bucky.

She begs for it to take her.

A vice grip wraps around her body. Hot air hisses over her ear. A sharp twisting sting pinches her skin, finally breaking through the deafening rush of waves in her head. She’s screaming, or sobbing, or hyperventilating. She doesn’t know. She just can’t feel Bucky.

Breathe. Just breath.

The words finally register with Ana. The voice is gentle, laced with tremors and fear as they’re repeated over again. Gradually, her senses come back to her. Heavy, muscular arms hold her together, too tight, too painful; it’s grounding. It’s constricting her, she shifts in panic, the arms loosening their hold.

Her vision clears as Ana stares into blue eyes. Different blue eyes. Different eyes without the crinkles in the corners, without the glitter mirth and admiration. Blue eyes with green flecks laced into the fibers. Steve.

Not her life. Not her heart. Not Bucky

Ana inhales shortly. She comes back to herself, abruptly aware of everything. She doesn’t know how much time has passed. She slowly takes in his appearance. His face is covered in sweat and dirt, his lip cut open and bleeding. He’s roughed up, he’s exhausted, he’s grounding her. His expression is broken as he helps her. It’s his eyes though that bring her back. The utter look of torment in them snaps her aware to their surroundings, reality setting in.

“Breathe,” Is all he says. As if he’s telling himself to do so as well.

Oh god, he lost Bucky too. Bucky.

Ana breaks eye contact, a thought crashing through the blankness in her mind. She looks down at her body, shimmering waves encase her. The rings aren’t activated. The glow is her own power source, her own energy shield. Protecting. Protection. Protection for herself. Protection to keep her safe. Protection for-

“Steve,” Ana exhales as her body begins to tremble all over. Her fists clutching at the dirt where her husband vanished before her eyes.

Her vision blurs, her head swimming. Her chest is utterly empty. She meets his gaze, a complex of emotions storming in his eyes. Ana wraps her arms around her middle. Protecting. Like she tried to do with…Bucky. Like he tried to do with her. Protecting her. Protecting them.

“I’m pregnant.”

****************************************

Drabbles: Eighteen   Drabbles: Twenty

***seriously, tumblr wigged out and it deleted -.- I’m sorry for putting you through this pain again...whoops

@thecreatiivecorner​ @kat-lives​ @stressedasalways​ @watchoutforfrostbite​ @justreadingfics​ @keldachick​ @fics-i-read​ @eurynome827​

#bucky barnes x ofc #bucky barnes x original female character #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #delicate stages drabbles

[races-erster]

just a vent

you all can ignore this if you want, and I’ll be putting the whole thing under the cut so it’s easier to skip over. It’s just I have too much to vent about for just 30 tags, so I used this instead...

I’m basically terrified of my entire life right now. Things have just gotten so bad and I don’t know what to do to get everything back on track. And I mean I’ve really gotten scared of everything.

I’m afraid to post original content on here for some reason. I guess I’m just worried that something will go wrong and I just,,,idk. I know this probably sonds stupid. I’m just scared that since I’ve been on a break, that people just kinda forgot about me or won’t care what I post anymore. Idk.

Band starts tomorrow too. I think I’m most afraid of that. After last season,,,I just don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be fine, but they just don’t understand what it’s like. I couldn’t walk for 6 months, and I know that isn’t as bad as other people have it, but it’s still terrifying to me. The longest that I hadn’t been able to walk before that was 2 weeks. It’s just scary. That entire situation lead to a decline in my physical, mental, and emotional health more than anything ever has before.

I have so many restrictions for band to the point where it’s ridiculous. I can’t run or jump. I can;t lunge or squat or get into a push up position. Hell, I can’t even stand on one leg or even speed walk. My doctor’s note literally says “must walk at a slow or moderate speed.” I can barely do anything. I’ll probably barely be able to march since the show opener’s tempo is 140 bpm. I just don't know what to do. I’m at a higher rate of getting hurt this year because you have more of a chance of injuring something if it’s already been hurt. My leg has been hurt 4 times out of 8 leg injuries total. And now it’s worse because I have CRPS, so I don’t have a pain tolerance and my nerves are sending jackshit to my brain (in terms of correct signals.)

Not to mention I lost all of my friends last year because whoever was near me or helped me throughout the season was made fun of because of it. I heard all sorts of rumors about me last year. Some were even said directly to my face rather than behind my back. 

I heard that I was ffacking because a sprained ankle didn’t take that long to heal:

(I tore my ligament all the way from my ankle to my knee. So yeah. That takes a while but still not 6 months.) 

Then I heard that I purposefully got hurt in order to get out of band:

(Here’s the thing. I did have a no running rule. But I thought it was over because I was cleared by doctors and physical therapy and my band director hadn’t really said anything about it, so I figured I could participate per usual. Apparently I was wrong. But even then, if I was to get hurt on purpose just to get out of band, why the hell would I even sign up for it? And then why would I try to fight through the pain during stretches until told by a section leader to sit down because my leg had already turned black and blue by the time stretches were over?  It makes no sense.)

Next I heard that I only got hurt so I could get attention:

(We’re back with that dumb “she got hurt on purpose” crap,,,no, I did not get hurt on purpose. No living soul would want to be on crutches for six months, have to hop their way down an entire football field or would want to do the same around a high school. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Also, I hate being the center of attention and having attention on me, so clearly the people who came up with that one don’t even know me.)

My favorite one though was that if I think I’m hurt, than I am and that I'm clinically insane because of it:

(This one hurt the most. It was started by one of my best friends and our section leader. My mom tried to explain to my section leader exactly what was wrong and how the bullying was making me want to quit marching band. He told my mom that he would take care of it, but when my mom told him that my nerves aren’t sending the right signals to my brain, her took that as “It’s all in her head.” Then he told everyone that and his girlfriend (my best friend) at the time started to say that I was insane and needed to be locked up in a nuthouse. I don’t know why they would do that to me…)

So yeah. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of starting band tomorrow. I don’t know who’s going to say what and I don’t know who already knows about my restriction or not. I just terrifies me that something is gonna happen again. 

I honestly think that may be why I’m still a little afraid to be on here and post my own stuff now: I don't want to be cast out again. I can’t be cast out again. I scares me so much when I know it probably shouldn’t. I know that you all are incredible people, but there are still those who leave hate when there was nothing done to provoke it.

And, god, I just remembered something that I really needed to vent about, but forgot until now and it’s not gonna really makes sense with what I just said, but in a way, it actually might?

So, a few months ago, I mentioned something about one of my friends asking me to prom, but he had been known to have a crush on me, so for the sake of this story, even though it has nothing to do with going to prom, I’ll be referring to him as Prom Boy.

So the Disney band trip was about a little over a month ago, and it was pretty fun, but of course it did have those moments. And unfortunately, those moments were caused by Prom Boy. He was in our group of friends that went around the parks together, and he was bearable most of the time. Or at least he was until my brother collapsed at the end of the day our second day there. My brother is okay now, but when we were trying to figure out what to do, Prom Boy said “There’s no point in us staying here, let’s just go.”

Now, listen, I tease my little brother a lot, but I’m also protective of him. So when this asshole told us all to just leave him and go back to the buses instead of wait with my brother, I naturally got pretty upset. I told him that if he wants to go back, he can, but I was going to stay with my brother. The rest of the group stayed with my brother and I while Prom Boy made his way back to the buses as he said, to save his “reputation.” *insert eyeroll here*

So we got my brother situated and made our way back to the hotel and all was good and dandy, until I woke up that morning. My brother had been in the hospital all night and was texting our Disney groups group chat saying that he was worried he wouldn’t get to march in the parade since we were doing it that day ( he made it in time by just 3 minutes.) Then as I kept reading, I saw a message from Prom Boy that said “dude stop being a baby who cares if you don’t get to be in the parade or not.” My brother and I have been going to Disney since he was 2 and I was 4, so for us, marching in that parade is a big deal because we’ve seen bands do that same thing since before we can even remember. I tried to explain the to Prom Boy, but he just didn’t care. Once again, he was the only one.

Two days later was when he started to be an ass to me and the rest of the group, not just my brother. He sent me into a breakdown and then an anxiety attack that day back to back. The breakdown was because he just kept deciding things for the entire group instead of consulting the rest of us. We were all supposed to eat at Margaritaville our last day in Florida with our big group of 14. They told us that we would have two separate tables in order to fit all of us, but they would be right next to each other. Then, we were lead to 2 tables that would hold 6 each and one table that would hold 2. We talked to management about fixing it, and they tried, but there was nothing they could do. That was okay. I was a little upset that we wouldn’t all be eating together, but it was okay and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Then we were asked by the manager what we were planning on doing and without hesitation, Prom Boy said “we’re gonna eat somewhere else.” That doesn’t seem too bad, except we never talked or mentioned leaving and he just decided that based on what he wanted to do.

He got up and left before the 7 of us (the other 6 had already ordered) and he went to go find us a place to eat. We left and then I started to have a breakdown because he never took any of our thoughts into consideration and I had wanted the trip to be perfect, but everything just kept going wrong. So, the 7 of us went to eat at Hard Rock and we somehow picked up and either person from the band who wasn’t originally in out group. We were all waiting to order and I was still pretty upset, so I put my head down and just tried to block everything out for a little bit. When I felt okay enough to try to rejoin the conversation, I realized the group was taking bad about Prom Boy and how he manipulates everyone (true) and how he doesn’t understand the word “no” when it comes to the girls he hits on (also true.) 

So I finally look up, and, to my surprise, Prom Boy is standing there behind my friends ( so no one sees him other than me with his arms crossed. We didn;t tell him where we went to eat because we all needed a break and my phone had died. I was also way too shaky to hold my phone let alone text. So, there’s Prom Boy staring right at me. Or rather, there’s Prom Boy staring right at my boobs (he had been hitting on my for a year and a half even though he knew I had a boyfriend.) In about 5 seconds of seeing him standing there, I covered my face with my hands and I started to sob. I had a full on panic attack all because Prom Boy showed up, tracked us on the snapchat map, and was staring intently at my chest. My friends just thought I was still upset from the situation before, but they realized he was there. Prom Boy was demanding answers from everyone. Then, he tried to get me to explain what was going on, but I couldn’t breathe let alone talk. And it just made my attack worse. They finally got him to leave and my friend went off on him for trying to pressure me and for hitting on me nonstop to the point where I was afraid to be left alone with Prom Boy.

So, now, I can’t even hear Prom Boy’s name without having an anxiety attack, but the main reason why I just told that story is because he’ll be near me during the entire band season this year and then some, so I’m terrified of that. I’ve told my section that I can’t be near him and told them the story of what happened, but I’m just so terrified that he’s going to confront me or get near me. My friends said they’ll be there to stop them, but they’re usually on the other side of the field, whereas Prom Boy is right next to me.

So yeah. I’m terrified for tomorrow and I’m terrified of my life and there’s nothing I can really do about it because I’m ashamed to admit that this entire time I’ve been acting happy over the summer was just an act and that I’m just about as broken and depressed as I’ve ever been in my life.

Thanks if you took the time to read this. You really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to. This is still my only place to vent even if I am still a little wary about posting because I'm afraid to tell all of this to my family. I don’t want them to know. I haven’t even talked to my therapist about it because they just really wouldn’t understand. So yeah,,,

#personal #sorry abut this post guys #I really just needed some place to get everything that's happening out

[poppyknitt]

Thank you.

All of you have done so much good, I can’t even put it into words.

However, since I do have a bit of a story to tell, to sort of explain part of why I say this, and also to show how far I’ve come since I made this account, back in august, 2016, I will give you that.

In the last two weeks of March, 2017, I was given medications for my depression. To help them work, my anxiety medications’ dosage was halved.

The medications I was already on had a possible side effect of causing twitching, with symptoms similar to, but not unlike that of tic disorders like tourette syndrome and chronic tic disorder, so I might as well have just walked in and said “hey! why not fuck up my head a bit?” or something, because that’s basically the consequence of those six weeks of hell.

By the end, I couldn’t get through the day without at least one panic attack over my grades, band class, or a sudden inability to think anything but the repeating thought of “I can’t think, I can’t think, I can’t even fucking think!” (which is apparently a symptom of anxiety, so I literally was panicking over my own fucking anxiety-). So, that, and the fact that my adhd medicines (the other meds with that side effect I mentioned) weren’t working anymore, I was taken off of them before we could even see if they were helping me. That incident vastly increased the speed at which my anxiety has been getting worse, and on top of that, after only three or four weeks on them, I’d developed a tic that I would go on to blame on my adhd from then until I finally researched what tics actually were- A sort of thing triggered by immense levels of fidgeting that made me hand sort of... spazz out. I wasn’t, and still can’t control it. Thankfully, though, that tic doesn’t come up as much as the others I’ve developed over these past (almost) two years.

After that, in late august that year, a close friend i’d only met a few weeks before, in june or july, found my discord account, and started harassing me and another friend, because we were somewhat crushing on each other, and he also liked me. This is another thing I loosely refer to as “The Incident”, though, a lot of times, i just call it the Stalker Incident, because that’s what it felt like at the time.

My anxiety and depression tanked.

But that was also because that school year, although I tried to pull myself together to get it right, was the worst one of my life so far. My band teacher, whom I would later, in the late weeks of spring of this year, discover could be classified as an emotional/verbal abuser of not only me, but everyone in his classes, was finally in his second year of working at my school, and he was even worse than the year before. That was really bad to me, because I had his class two times a day, and, even, before the end of the first two semesters, in November and December, three times a day.

Basically, what he did to teach was he would constantly look for even the slightest of mistakes, and with the students who were unlucky enough to not be his favorites, a lot of times even just ignore whatever minor improvements you made. I was the worst affected, probably because I was already technically being physically and mentally abused at home (though, I didn’t know, and I still sorta deny that it was abuse at all, because sadly, even though it’s a fucked up fact, that’s just how you react to being abused by a family member...), although not as often, and also because of the two previous incidents that increased my anxiety a shit ton and tanked my depression a fuckload. It didn’t help that my parents constantly turned blind eyes to the case I had at home, and they didn’t have enough education on the symptoms of non-physical abuse on the mind to be able to recognize that something just wasn’t right. But, of course, because of a lot of the shit that happened previously during my hellish middle school life, I’d learned not to trust the word of the adults in my life, nor to trust them to take action whenever I expressed that something needed a drastic change, because it just wasn’t right. So, of course, I wasn’t just about to tell them my teacher was abusing me.

Anyways, so, yet again, I found that by the end of March, last year, I was right back in the same place as I had been during the six weeks- Not going a day without at least one or two minor panic attacks. At that point, I basically thought it was normal to have a tiny bit of panic every day, so I didn’t really stop to think “Oh, fuck, this is really bad, I should get help for this”, until like, late April or early May, when I broke down in literal tears because I couldn’t get even one little, 4-beat rhythm exactly right every single time I played it, and I was afraid I’d be yelled at again over it. Keep in mind, I was the best percussionist, out of 4, so he was probably way harder on me than the others for that reason. It was at that point that my friends started offering for me to help them take him to court a second time in two years over his treatment of the students. The first time he went to court was because he allegedly strangled an 8th grader back in the 2016-2017 school year. Charges were dropped on the first case for some reason (I blame misogyny and white supremacy, especially because this was in a small community of narcissistic, racist southern white people who were mostly conservatives, even if they didn’t think they were. if you can’t tell, i hate my hometown.), but I haven’t heard anything on the more recent one, since I transferred to a school in the neighboring city to escape my bullies and the hellish band teacher, both of which usually harassed me in the band room, but some of whom also extended to the other classes.

I had to quit percussion because I can’t go into the setup of a band room anymore without having a minor panic attack. Percussion was literally the only thing I consistently looked forwards to in middle school, because I could never rely on my friends to be there every day of every week in those three years, and I also barely actually had a chance to see any of them and enjoy their company. So, uh, yeah, I was pretty upset that I couldn’t bear the thought of playing in a band room anymore.

Once I was out of school that summer, everything changed for the better, because I had gotten accepted into the highschool I applied to. No more unknowingly abusive band teachers. Hell, not even any unintentionally abusive brothers, either, because he was going off to college. I don’t think I should have to explain how my brother was abusive, seeing as he literally didn’t seem to care about me at all until he got bored, and would proceed to hurt or terrorize me for fun, and laugh when I looked like I was going to have a heart attack, for fear of getting seriously injured. Sure, he didn’t give that many visible injuries, but that doesn’t mean shit in abuse cases. Abuse is abuse, no matter how many physical injuries are involved. There’s a reason there’s shit categorized as “emotional” and “verbal” abuse, dumbass. (sorry to those who knew that, I’m just trying to give the ignorant fucktards a little subtle warning before they send me an aggressive “oh, but it’s not really abuse if-“ bullshit ask or something. though, considering that they clearly wouldn’t know abuse when they see it, and think that just because there’s no visual physical wounds, it isn’t abuse, I doubt they’d even get that I was telling them to fuck off.)

So, basically, last summer was like, a godsend. The school year had left me truly hating myself for literally the first time ever in my life, and so, since my appearance was one thing I hated, I chose to dye my hair black, and get a new hairstyle, one I’d never had before (t was unintentionally not what I had imagined, but at the same time, I still liked it better than my usual). That saw my depression leaving me alone to the point that for the first time in literal years, I finally wouldn’t be able to say “I can’t remember what happiness feels like” without it being a lie anymore. I finally made progress to getting better, because I was nearly free of the things that plagued me in every year of my life up until then.

For the first time in my life, it seemed, I was finally being shown that I was capable of happiness, which, of course I had started to doubt before then.

School started.

I met @chaoticcrimsonrose , and, I also finally managed to fall in love without loosing the feelings a week or so later, all in the same day (I still am in love with that wonderful girl, though, we aren’t exactly a thing yet). I’m not gonna go into that, though, because that’s not the point.

The point of this next section is that Crimson reintroduced me to the Jacksepticeye and Markiplier fandoms. I had sort of been in them since 2013 or 2014, but I had only ever watched Mark’s five nights at freddy’s videos, and Jack’s undertale, as well as a few other videos from their channels on occasion (Plus, I didn’t actually realize there were fandoms for the boys until then). Since then, I’ve met so many wonderful, amazing people full of positivity and love for one another, and really, I honestly had the most fun in the last four or five months of 2018 that I think I’ve ever had. Hell, even now, and back in early October, when my depression spiked back up, and came back to shoot me straight through the head, I’m still enjoying myself every time I go on tumblr or discord, because of the wonderful people in their communities.

Between finding my passion in life, and finally being shown that I actually have talents, and the ones I was ashamed of, such as my art, were so much better than I ever even thought they were, everything started finally going right for me in the end of 2018. And, even if PMA doesn’t help me very much when I’m down, I still love the idea behind it, and I’ll continue to try to spread it, even when I’m down.

I love the communities Mark and Jack have started, and I love the people they’ve become. They’re basically what I’ve been aspiring to be for literal years- that kind, caring person, who doesn’t care for money, and would much rather you help out those in need, than give them free money. On top of that, they’re also amazing storytellers, and have such wild, cryptic imaginations. (I’ve actually been told by Crimson many times that I remind her of their creating/writing styles, and especially of the cryptic bullshit they do, which I find hilarious, because of how long I went without knowing about those facets of their personalities. Quite the coincidence, don’t you think?)

Anyways, to sum it up, I guess i’m just saying I’m so glad I found this place when I did; there literally couldn’t have been a better time for me to start meeting more people on the internet who truly care, that i’m not worried about telling all this to, because I know no one here will judge me for things that are out of my control. (And, well, considering how unpredictable the environment I’ve grown up in could get at any moment, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve sorta learned I don’t really have that much control over my life anymore (Thus the cryptic “i have no control” post i made yesterday or something, when i sorta started realizing just how little i actually do have, just to see if i freaked anyone out)-)

Thank you all,

for being so kind and welcoming and accepting.

Thank you all,

for being supportive and helpful to those who need input or hugs.

Thank you, all, so much,

for just being so wonderful. I don’t know where I would be without these communities.

(though, knowing how low I’ve sunken since thanksgiving, I might not’ve made it to 2019... so... yeah, really, huge thanks to all of you-)

———

Extra special appreciation:

@chaoticcrimsonrose - Thank you, so much, for being the person to show me these communities, and help me get more invested in things. You’re basically the kind of sibling I’ve always wished to have, and I couldn’t thank you more for being who you are so much. Also, another thing: The SDS really was your greatest idea. We’ve all only been on it for a few days, but... Holy shit, man, we’re all basically a family on there, and I love that. I don’t know what it would be like for me if we didn’t have the server, but honestly, I don’t want to know, either.

@rorald-spooks - Thank you, for being such a goofy doofus and always being there to cheer me up with your stupid cryptic dumbassery, no matter what I’m saying or feeling.

@startschantingpma - connie you’re a hecking idiot but ily because you’re awesome at what you do and deserve all the hugs-

@tiny-septic-puppet - Good god, man, we’ve come so far. I still vividly remember the day Crimson told me she’d been sending you my fics, and you’d been really enjoying them. That was so amazing to hear. But, like, to think we’ve now gotten to the point that you’re basically like a father to me is... really weird, but also fucking awesome. Ily, dad, don’t stop being epic.

@doodle-min : Mom, holy shit, you’re like, so amazing. I’m so glad we met, and I’m excited to go into 2019 with you and the rest of our wacky discord family. I really hope you keep up your awesome streak of the thing you mentioned, and I hope life keeps getting better and better for you; you deserve every bit of happiness.

@oliverissad - OLLIIIEEEEEE!!!! ILY!!! START TAKING BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF BECAUSE OTHERWISE IMMA HUNT YOU DOWN AND HUG YOU TILL YOU UN-SADIFY OKAY?! that goes for the rest of you doofuses too!!! >:v

@og-wilford-warfstache-discord - Fuck you! Don’t you “heh” me! Ily wilf okay don’t ever doubt that or imma take a page from moms book and imma slap you with cheese damn it-

@singular-dorito - UNC SCHNEP!! what? yeah idk i’m running out of unique things to say to appreciate people, whoops. but ye same goes for you as it does the rest of the fam-

and the rest of the SDS family, because i didn’t get any tumblr tags from the others- i lOVE AND APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU PLS DONT HURT YOURSELF OKAY YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

@antis-loyal-puppet , as well as everyone on the jacksepticeye writing discord- Thank you all, for being so supportive of me, and being such a joy to have around. You’re all fuckin amazing, and I wouldn’t trade our friendships for the world.

And of course, I’d also like to thank Jack and Mark for being such amazing people, and being the whole reason I even know any of the dumb idiots I’ve tagged or mentioned in this post. You guys are killin the game!

<3

i love all of you idiots. stay as pos as you can. i know way too well how hard it can be to do that, so, just,,, keep on tryin, mates, you deserve every bit of happiness if you’re reading this, even if I’ve never even once spoken to you or interacted with your stuff.

#jse community #markiplier community #happy 2019 #ily all #wholesome ramblings #i know it seems weird that i went on a tangent about myself #but i’ve literally been waiting two or three months to write the majority of this #the shit about discord is new occurrences but still

[illfoandillfie]

Top 5 favourite songs of all time ??

sorry this took so long but ohhhhhh boy it was so hard!!! I’ve picked songs that represent different phases/ages because otherwise I never would have made any decisions lmao. As it is this took me a stupid long time. And I’ve also included some honourable mentions at the bottom because I kept thinking of things I didn’t have space for lmao

1. Welcome To The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance

I was in highschool in the 2000s so I absolutely had an emo phase and you best believe I listened to MCR constantly. This song still fucking slaps just like everything else MCR ever created

2. Transylvania - McFly

When I was like 13 I was reading an issue of Smash Hits magazine and they had a section on ‘bands to watch out for’ and McFly was one of them (they were already well known in the UK but hadn’t really spread to Aus) and I ended up finding them on myspace and just completely fell in love with them and got my friends into them too and yeah i was obsessed. At one point McFly held a competition on youtube where fans were asked to make a video for their fave McFly song and me and my friends did that. I had a big ol’ crush on Danny. I saw them live at their first ever show in Australia - flew down to Sydney for the day. I still adore them.

3. R U Mine? - Arctic Monkeys

I got into the Arctic Monkeys when I was about 21/22. I don’t even remember how tbh. I had a vague knowledge of them beforehand and liked the songs that i’d heard but it wasnt until a week before they played Brisbane on the AM tour that I actually properly listened to them. I was talking to my friend Ollie and mentioned I’d been listening to them and he said he was a fan and he’d wanted to see them live but didn’t have anyone to go with so we looked up tickets and were able to get some last minute and a week later we were at the entertainment center in row W having a fucking blast. I saw them again a few weeks ago on the Tranquility Base tour and they closed the encores with R U Mine and it was fucking incredible.

4. (Marie's the Name) His Latest Flame - Elvis

I’m really into the whole vintage aesthetic, especially 40s and 50s stuff. Circle skirts and victory rolls and all that pinup/rockabilly stuff is my fucking jam and I adore music from the same time as well. my ipod is full of chuck berry and connie francis and dion and the belmonts and lesley gore and of course Elvis. I’ve sort of fallen out of it a little in the past few months, mostly because of changes to my job that mean I don’t have as much time to spend on my hair but I still listen to the music a lot. 

5. March of The Black Queen - Queen

so I only got into Queen towards the end of 2018 - I saw BoRhap with my movie club and left the cinema wanting to listen to more Queen and spent the next like 3 weeks listening to their greatest hits playlist on spotify and then decided to just fucking take the plunge and listen to the complete discography and I fell completely in love and I now own all their albums and I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love these four dorks. Trying to pick a fave Queen song is so hard but I chose MOTBQ because I fucking adore it and it’s one that I never skip and its really incredible (and also the way rog sings “my life is in your hands / i’ll fo and i’ll fie” makes me weak and is the meaning behind my url)

honourable mentions:

Sea of Love - Marty Wilde (but I also adore the cover Led Zeppelin did)

Over The Hills And Far Away - Led Zeppelin

You Can’t Hurry Love - The Supremes

Retro (Rough) - Childish Gambino (ahhh so hard to choose)

I’ll Never Find Another You - The Seekers

#ask #about me #this was so hard oh my god #rubeushagridfanclub

[becomingmac]

My So Called Life

I realized I never put my story on here. *for TL;DR will be in bold for people who doesn’t care to read. 

Adolescents: This story starts at a young age, It starts with my dad. My father wanted a boy. As a toddler we played rough games, I played Sega and played only football games. I wore shirts out of the boy section, I loved spider-man, Pokemon and Dragon ball Z. All things that related to boys. My grandmothers and my mom dressed me as girl, in pink, in dresses, capris, and other stuff that girls liked. But me, I didn’t like any of that. Barbies were a no. Girl coloring books were no. I thought care bears are the closest I got to them. I had Barbie sheets despite not wanting them. I was five years old when a girl punched me for liking blue and she told me that wasn’t a girl’s favorite color. I moved towards having friends that were boys. But never the popular boys though I envied them for all the girls wanting to be around them. Girls became more beautiful the older I got. I wanted them to see me the way they saw boys that they liked. Muscular, cool hair, boys clothing that was simple. But that wasn’t me. The older I got the more I was told I was a disappointment by my grandmother for not liking dresses and not wanting to have anything to do with being feminine. I had to wear bras despite not wanting boobs, I had to wear girly deodorant besides not wanting to smell girly.

Pre-teen: This body wasn’t mine and I didn’t want it. I began having crushes on all (not all but like most) my friends at the age of 11. But they all wanted boys so I pretended not to like them and liked boys. I made up lies and rumors, to cover up what I felt. At thirteen I learned about being a lesbian and I thought this was it. But don’t tell my friends they wouldn’t get it. I began to like my best friend. I tried to tell her, but she didn’t get it. I had my first girlfriend and I hid her away from everybody. She was proud to be with me but I didn’t feel the same. It was simply because I didn’t really like her and when everyone found out they didn’t act shocked. I told them I was bi so I seemed less strange to them. Girlfriend #2, When we would talk, I would take on the masculine role. That was me, the man. Another friend came out… or I outed. But she stayed with boys. Boys who were a mess and I didn’t understand. Again, I was not muscular, my voice wasn’t getting deeper and I wasn’t comfortable with me. I began dreaming about being what these girls wanted. Handsome, tall and muscular. But girlfriend #2 came back and forth. To feel the way I wanted I started doing.. unconventional things. 

Teenage: Girlfriend #2, dumped me because I got a haircut and she told that I no longer looked like a girl and she wanted nothing to do with it. Eventually she came back and we spent months together. She left me for someone who looked even more manly and was athletic. Things I wasn’t more of.I began cutting off my hair more and more. Eventually I was getting called Sir. My grandmother began complaining that I had too short of hair. But I finally came out to them and they understood and eventually I was out to everyone. My dressing turned manlier and honestly then and now, Boy jeans are fantastic. Truthfully, I felt relieved that I could dress how I feel and have my hair feel the way that I wanted. But I became embarrassed to dress on the boy’s side because I was a girl. But as equally hating the women’s side because I didn’t belong there. Bathrooms started getting uncomfortable and having to wear a band dress became uncomfortable. My favorite super heroes were all male and I related to them so much. My ships were heterosexual couples and I wanted to be the men in them. I was constantly being told “If you were a boy, I would date you.” Girlfriend #3, She made me into something masculine, taught me how to dress fully comfortably on how I wanted to look. I was 16, I was introduced through one of my friends to a Person #1and Person #2. Person #1 wanted help on figuring out how to be manly and how to officially come out. The more P1 explained to me all the terms and one stuck with me, Genderqueer. Genderqueer is (noun): a Person who does not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions but identifies with neither, both or a combination of male and female genders. Was this me? I began talking about my feelings to Friend 1 and she told me whoever I was, she’d still be my friend. P2 and talked and she told me she didn’t see it but I felt it. I started getting mistaken more, hardly having boobs was truly helping me. My mother was angry and she said that it made her feel sad that people weren’t seeing her daughter and for me to stop cutting my hair. I made my own mother embarrassed of me. Eventually I told Girlfriend #3 what I was thinking and what if I was this term, and what if I was a boy. she said that we wouldn’t be together because she could never see herself with a man. So, I buried my feelings deep down to continue in my relationship. Now I felt more weight I didn’t understand on my shoulders. The more I buried my feelings down, I began feeling unhappy, I was seeking attention from other girls, especially one. But she had a boyfriend. But Girlfriend #3 was still around, we were trying to keep things together, though she was cheating with someone more feminine then me. Why wasn’t I the girl I was supposed to be? I began to hate my relationship more and more every day. Bye girlfriend #3.  [Insert Complicated mess that is me and Friend 1] Again still a lot of people telling me that I was a better boyfriend than their boyfriends. Sorry your boyfriends sucked.

College: I became increasingly not comfortable in my body again. I began changing the way that I dressed, I switched to shorter shorts like frat boys. I might as well be one because that’s how douchy I look. I met Girlfriend #5, who was so much better than any girl I met. She matched my intelligence, she had an interesting life and we shared interests. Towards the beginning I told her about my gender problems and she said “boy or girl, I’ll love you no matter what. It doesn’t matter to me, You’re still you.” I had never cried so much like a baby. Her little sister I feel like she knew, in some way somehow “I’m girlie girlie and you’re boye boye.” [Fast forward like two years] As of march the conversation started popping up more and maybe because I didn’t feel like the person I was supposed to be. I would say things like “I don’t know, I’m not a girl.” Eventually I came to the terms of Non Binary. It just made sense, I wasn’t a boy or a girl. She supported that decision. I told my family, they were okay with it. My mom named me Thor. But it just didn’t feel right. I began feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. My grandmother she told me “You know what I don’t like about you? You’re not girly and you think you’d dress the way I want to make me happy.” I began thinking of what my life would be like as a male. A man, that’s a dream. At UTSA, I made a friend 2, I never paid a lot of attention to him but he was very nice to talk too. The conversation started over Gender Dysphoria. Gender dysphoria (GD), or gender identity disorder (GID), is the distress a person experiences because of the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. In this case, the assigned sex and gender do not match the person's gender identity, and the person is transgender. I made some comments on how I felt. Things like that I loved having short hair. Always being drawn to Boy gendered things. The happiness of being mistaken for a boy. How I had a name picked out if one day I decided I was a trans man. “That’s not normal, Cis people don’t say that. Oh yeah, and by the way I’m trans.” From that moment on, I began questioning my life. Who was I really? Why can’t I be Veronica? I wanted to be someone else. Anyone else, but Veronica because I wasn’t Veronica. I had never been. I stayed up sleepless on how I felt. I cried constantly because I didn’t understand myself even more now. I wasn’t the person I was supposed to be. I wasn’t muscular, I wasn’t tall, I wasn’t any of the things I wanted to be. And all I wanted was to be me. Girlfriend #5, she started noticing the crying and she started talking about this man she followed named Chella Man. Little by little she showed me more. Until one day I said “What if that’s me?” and she’s like “he has a ted talk lets watch it.” Chella Man, he was known as the boy named Rachel. I related to him and I started to understand him. Chella man identifies as Gender Queer. He talks about the difference between gender identity and presentation. While he was gender queer. He presented himself as a man with male pronouns. He said this way he didn’t have to get rid of his feminine qualities and he got to express his masculine qualities. There was a lot of crying but “No matter who you are, I am always going to love you and I’ll be here every step of the way.” I sobbed like a baby. That’s me, and that’s who I wanted to be. I reached out to Friend 2. He talked to me about himself and his life before. He showed me somethings that he wrote and they really hit home. I found out who I am and I felt all the pressure go away. While one thing still bothered me, how would my family take it? Later one night I wrote out this long facebook message about who I was along with that video. I lied to everyone though, I told them that I didn’t know which pronouns I wanted. I wanted He/Him. The decision of not telling them bothers me. But I assured them that I was still going to be me. Because I am me. GF #5 and I started looking up names and making me comfortable with male pronouns and other words like Boyfriend (I hear big time rush in my head right now) We even choose a name, Mateo Aiden Carranza. MAC just like my uncle and my dad. I started by buying a binder and continuing my conversations with Friend 2. I told my three best friends about my decision and my name change and immediately they went into helping me. “can I call you Matt for short?” “love you no matter what, bb.” “Is that how you would like me to address you?” “It doesn’t bother me.” “you’re an inspiration.” I started reading things online and researching how to go about everything. I released a video on snapchat asking people to help me. Everyone supported, and people started asking how to help. But It didn’t help the way I felt, and it caused me to spiral – Quit my job, went through a break up, tried to die. The usual problems. I came out to my family. I started realizing somethings such as I constantly compared myself to Boys from the age of 5 to even the ones I see now. I created doubts and faults of myself that way. I had no way of being them. I lead myself down a path where I pretended to be someone else. Someone who tried so hard to be happy with the cards they were dealt, but man they were some shitty cards. Being Veronica was exhausting. It made me realize this whole, I didn’t care who I was because GF #5 made me feel like it didn’t matter, I could have been like a furry and she probably would have been down with it. But I’m happy now. Got a decent job, I love the people I work with and I got to start fresh with them. Started T as of this week. I have the support of all of my family. Schools aright. But yeah. I still have the rest of my journey ahead.

Always Forward, Never Back. 

#My Story #MAC #Sorry if someone I know is reading this #Sorry if you're included in here somehow #BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

[miaiplier]

What requests are you currently working on?

I got quite a few some of these are from when I hit 100 smh this is gonna be a looong post. Btw I have a few requests in my ask box that I haven’t responded too yet because I’m still debating on accepting but I probably will once I make a dent in this list. I’ll try my best to do it soon. (Here’s my list)

Could you do a high school or marching band with teamiplier and reader (who’s a flute player).

Hi! Can I request an Amy x reader? One where Amy drags the reader to one of her cool road trips maybe? Thanks. (Also Just learned you hit 100 followers sorry if I’m late but Congrats!!)

Could you do one of reader where she is getting harassed for for being Mexican or something like her skin or something? Teamiplier and/or Tyler tries to cheer her up or say something about it. Sorry if it’s an over all the place request, I just wanna see something for Mexican reader.

Hi! I love your writing!! I really like your sisteriplier stuff and was wondering what it’d be like when she goes through the phase of having a crush on one of his friends?

In celebration of Marching Band season, Marks sister comes home one day and tells Mark “guess who’s the color guard section leader!” Everyone is proud of her and Mark and her do a video showing off their marching band skills (guard and trumpet). Idk man I’m just kind of pumped up for guard.

could you do an ethan X sisterplier where she doesn’t think mark loves her and that mark neglects her. then Ethan explains everything amazing about her and then they end up kissing and about two months later mark finds out about them and goes crazy.

How about an Amy x Reader where the Reader is a popular Youtuber (maybe Mark’s lil sister) and her and Amy are dating. They decide to make a cute girlfriend tag video and there’s lots of fluff and everyone ships it

I was wondering if you could do a small thing about femreader x Amy x Ethan? Kinda like… Reader is always with Amy and the team thinks that they’re together but they’re just really good friends and they find out reader actually has a huge crush on Ethan! 

 Could you do maybe one where they find out she’s been doing drugs and they find them on her? And when they all sit down with her to have a serious talk it gets really angsty but reaalllyy sad bc shes been dealing with things that they didn’t really know about and tells them and they all get into mega protective mode, especially Mark?? But it ends up super fluffy & okay? 

Hi there. I’d like to request something! Perhaps some Teamiplier x Male!Reader where the reader has been struggling with things on their gaming channel, so Teamiplier decides to cheer him up? Also, maybe one of the boys could confess to the reader.. hah, just a thought! Thanks for taking time to look at this.

Maybe sisteriplier going on her first abroad/away from home trip by herself and Mark is all lonely bc he doesn’t know what to do or something? I love your writing!!!

Here’s something different. Amy’s younger sister (she’s maybe twenty) and comes to visit her sister. She does a few videos or maybe a live stream with them and she can’t keep her eyes off Ethan and the same with Ethan? Cute fluff

Eth comforting a genderfluid reader with their dysphoria when they get their period??

Ahh!! Those prompts with the dad anon are so cute!! What about a sister close to their age playing the change improv game and kissing whoever they’re doing it with as part as the skit?? Like “I hate you, never touch me” “change” “oh my god I love you” *pulls into kiss*

Heyo!! would you be willing to do a fic where the reader is a tattoo artist and maybe has a lot of tattoos and Eth is fascinated by them and loves finding new ones and asking if they have meanings behind them etc, thank you!! :D

Can you do a mark x girlfriend!reader where you, mark, Ethan, Tyler, bob and wade are all doing a live stream together. You’re  laying across marks lap and while the other boys are talking and playing games you two are in your own little world together. And someone’s playing the game but trying to ask mark a question, getting no reply they try a few more times before finally looking over and seeing you two all snuggled up together, quietly talking and laughing. The other boys realize this too and are fangirling about how cute you two are.

Sister wanting to be in the next pole dancing video and all of teamiplier being like “nO” -DA

hi!! I was wondering if I could request where the reader is Mark’s sister and he’s like super protective bc she’s had bad experiences with past boyfriends so when teamiplier goes to a carnival or something and sees her and whoever like Ethan or Tyler holding her hand and he figures out they’re dating but didn’t tell him, Mark gives Tyler or Ethan a lil over protective brother talk:)

[plaidaleckiandsnackles]

Butterflies

read it on ao3

Castiel loved band, he loved music, but honestly? Marching band camp was hell. It was hot, bright, his feet ached, and his arms were sore from holding up his flute. But he had a bottle of Biofreeze waiting in his locker, and that thought alone was going to get him through the next hour of drills. He sighed, coming to attention and bringing his flute up as their trillionth drill for this movement began. They got about four bars into it before Mr. Turner called it quits, turning his attention on the clarinets and sending Naomi down to talk to the section leader about positioning. Castiel dropped his flute, twirling it absently in one hand before stretching his arms out behind him and turning on the spot, knowing better than to stray too far from his mark between drills. He let his eyes flicker over the blocking, watching the different sections talking amongst themselves, the drumline stretching after unhooking their drums from their shoulders. He snorted, watching the brass players rubbing their numb lips, before making eye contact with Dean Winchester, who smirked, biting his lower lip and fucking winking at Castiel. Cas started, immediately averting his eyes and blushing. He and Dean had started talking during the summer before camp began, and Cas' already present crush had grown exponentially as they'd gotten to know each other better. Dean was one year above Castiel, and perfect. He was gorgeous, smart, charming, and hilarious. He wrote an opinion column for the school paper, and had won awards, had some of his short stories published. He was also a terrible flirt, especially to Castiel. When they'd finally met in person on the first day of camp, Dean had told him he was cute when he smiled, and had grinned at him when his face colored immediately. He now took every opportunity to smile or wink at Cas, knowing how it affected him. Mr. Turner got their attention again, calling for one more run through of the movement before lunch. Cas groaned internally, shaking out his arms and steeling himself for one more run.

~~~

When lunch was finally called, after they'd marched back to the school to the sound of the drumline's cadences, the students scattered, many going to their lockers and depositing their instruments, gathering various essentials before either settling in the Performing Arts' Center lobby or heading out to their cars to go off campus for lunch. Cas beelined to the bathroom before leaving. As he was washing his hands he felt eyes on him, and looked up to meet Dean's green eyes in the mirror. He blushed a little, dropping his eyes and finishing up. Dean sauntered forward, leaning on the counter next to Castiel, looking him up and down before licking his lips and grinning, meeting Cas' eyes. "Hey Cas." "Hello, Dean." Castiel's eyes dropped to Dean's mouth, red and swollen from his trumpet mouthpiece. His lips were already pink and plump, and the swelling just made them more enticing. "Where ya goin' for lunch?" Cas shrugged, running his wet hands through his hair to cool down before drying his hands. He jumped when he felt fingers smoothing his hair down, and shuddered, closing his eyes and stilling. Dean finished fixing Cas' hair to his liking, stepping back and grinning flirtatiously at Castiel when he opened his eyes slowly to look up at him. "So, no lunch plans?" Opening his mouth, Castiel stuttered on his words before shaking his head. He swallowed. "No."

"Well, you're welcome to come with me any day you want." Dean winked, backing toward the door. "Offer's always on the table." He gave Castiel a two-finger salute before leaving. Cas exhaled all the breath in his body, leaning heavily on the counter. He closed his eyes, calming himself before the loud rumbling of his stomach shocked him into action, and he gathered himself before heading out to grab some food before he missed the chance.

~~~

Band camp dragged on, Castiel often distracted by the flirtations of Dean Winchester. He was able to focus enough to nail his blocking and not fuck up his part too much, but anytime Dean got close to him, his brain turned to static. On one of the last days of camp, Cas' ride had to leave early, leaving Cas to scramble for a ride, or risk walking the 45 minutes home on already aching legs. "Meg, come on, you owe me." "Sorry, Clarence," Meg shrugged, spinning one of her drumsticks between her fingers "drumline has practice with the pit tonight for our floor show. Starts right after camp. Singer is feeding us so we don't have to leave." Cas groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. "How long is practice, maybe I can kill some time." "By the time practice is even half over you could have walked home, and stopped for ice cream." She shrugged, ruffling Castiel's hair. "Tough luck, Clarence." "Yeah, right. Thanks anyway, Meg." Cas trudged away, dropping to the floor and leaning back against the brick wall, pulling out his cell to text Gabe, and finding it dead. Annoyed, he dropped it on the floor, propping his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. "What's up, angel? You look upset." Castiel's head snapped up, finding Dean squatting down in front of him. He'd developed a tan line from his sunglasses on the sides of his face, and his freckles were more pronounced than Cas had ever seen. He closed his mouth with a click when he realized he was staring and shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "It's not a big deal, Chuck had to bail early for an appointment, and Meg has drumline tonight, so I'm kind of stranded." He tilted his head up to look at Dean, who was watching him. "Well hell, Cas, if a ride is all you need, I can take you home." Dean smiled kindly at him. "What, really?" Castiel's eyes widened, and he sat up. Dean laughed lightly, nodding. "Yeah, Cas. It's not far." "You know where I live?" Dean's face darkened, and he cleared his throat, shrugging. "We rode the same bus my sophomore year, before dad died and I got Baby." "You noticed me freshman year?" Cas felt like someone had filled his chest with helium. "Hard not to notice eyes like yours, angel." Dean winked, before standing up and holding his hand out to help Castiel up. "You got stuff to get, or are you ready?" Castiel was staring at his hand in Dean's, and looked up sharply, his cheeks heating when he found Dean smirking at him. "Sorry, what?" Dean chuckled, shaking his head. "You need anything before we go?" He let go of Cas' hand, reaching in the pocket of his basketball shorts and pulling out his keys. "No, I'm ready. Wait, no." He spun, grabbing his cell off the floor and shoving it in his pocket. "Okay yeah now I'm ready." Pursing his lips, Dean nodded, taking a few steps backward before jerking his head in the direction of the side doors. "I'm this way."

~~~

Riding in Dean's car was a sexual experience, Castiel was sure. The rumble of the engine, the age softened leather under him, Dean singing under his breath along with the radio. It raised goosebumps on Cas' arms. They stopped at a red light and Dean turned to him, smiling. "You okay over there, Cas?" He nudged at Castiel's shoulder, fingers lingering. Castiel glanced over at him, nodding. "Yeah," He cleared his throat. "I just really like your car." Dean beamed, running his hand affectionately over the dashboard. "Yeah, she's great. I hate driving her to school though, I'll probably drive the truck I had before this once school starts, I don't trust all the kids fresh outta driver's ed not to scratch her." Cas hummed his agreement, nodding at the green light ahead of them, and Dean winked as he pulled away. At the curb in front of Cas' house, he paused with his hand on the door handle, turning to Dean. "Thank you, Dean, really. You don't know how much I appreciate this." "No problem, Cas. Like I said, not far." "Well, regardless, I'm grateful." "You can pay me back another time." Dean winked at Castiel, and bit back a smile when Cas immediately blushed. "Yeah. Okay, well, bye. Thanks again." "Later, angel." Cas scurried up the walk to his house, walking in the unlocked door and waving at Dean from the doorway as he drove off, before closing the door and slumping against it. Dean Winchester was ruining his life.

~~~

The beginning of school came and everyone settled into their routines relatively quickly, and it seemed like they hadn't even been back a week before the first competition came around. Cas had managed to secure a spot on the same bus as Dean, thanks to Meg finding the list before him and jotting down both their names. Their first competition went pretty smoothly, his school taking third place in the field show and first for the drumline's floor show. The ride back was energetic, everyone caught up in the high of the first competition. Dean sat on the other side of the bus, a row up from Castiel, and met his eyes occasionally, throwing him a wink or a flirty smile. Castiel's confidence had grown some, and he fought back with a wink or two of his own. By the fourth competition, the excitement had died down a bit. This one was farther than the others, a three hour drive each way, and the bus was almost silent on the drive back, the late hour taking its toll, despite their first place wins in both field and drumline shows. The low buzzing of quiet conversations blended in to the white noise of the bus, and Cas found himself nodding off without his headphones. He caught himself, glancing over to find Meg curled in on herself, asleep with music filtering out from her earbuds. Cas decided to follow suit, plugging his into his phone and leaning his head against the seat in front of him. He must have fallen asleep, because he woke to an incessant tapping on his shoulder. He sat up, looking back at the source of the tapping, and found Dean on his knees on his seat behind Cas, leaning over the back of Castiel's seat. He motioned for Cas to take out his earbuds, and smiled when Cas did so. Dean shifted suddenly, leaning over the back of the seat and crowding into Castiel's space, stopping just in front of his face, his breath on Cas' lips. Cas sucked in a quiet breath, and felt more than saw Dean smile. He pulled back, looking at Cas with a grin. "Did you get butterflies?" Cas nodded, dumbstruck. "I love that feeling." Dean murmured, before sitting back in his seat, and leaving Cas' heart in his throat. Castiel swallowed, his mind reeling to make sense of what the hell just happened. He turned around, still stunned, and replaced his headphones, confusion burning hot on his face as he zoned out the last part of the trip home.

~~~

Once they were back at school with the buses empty and the trucks unloaded, Cas shoved his flute case in his locker and leaned against it, sighing heavily and moving to find Meg to take him home. He saw her talking to Crowley, one of the tuba players, smiling her predatory smile at him as he twirled a lock of her hair around his finger. Castiel shuddered. Not worth it. He sighed, rubbing at his tired eyes and running a hand through his hair. He had to go outside, the early October air already holding a light chill, enough to clear his head. He leaned against the building, breathing deeply before fishing his phone out to dial up Gabe to come get him. A familiar rumble that vibrated his bones made him look up, finding Dean leaning across his passenger seat to look at Cas through the open window. "Need a ride, angel?" Castiel shook his head. "No thanks, I've had enough butterflies for one night." He started walking, nevermind that it was the wrong direction for where he needed to go if Gabe was going to pick him up, though he still hadn't called him. Dean's face fell, and he crept the massive car forward to even up with Cas. "You're not mad, are you, angel? I was just teasing!" "I'm very aware of that, Dean. It's a strength of yours." Throwing the car in park, Dean got out and strode around the front of the car to stand in front of Castiel, his forehead creased in concern. He reached for Cas' shoulder, but he jerked back, and Dean let his hand hang in the air for a moment before dropping it to his side. He studied Cas' face, leaning his shoulder against the brick in front of Castiel. "Cas, did I cross a line or somethin'?" Castiel dropped his eyes, shrugging. "What lines were there to cross, Dean? We're barely friends." Dean shifted back, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and sighing quietly. "Cas, let me drive you home." Pushing off the building, Cas tried to move past Dean, but froze when Dean grabbed his arm. "Please let go of me, Dean." "Castiel." Dean spoke softly but sharply, causing Cas to snap his head up to look at him in surprise. "Please let me drive you home." He raised his eyebrows, tightening his hand around Cas' arm a little. "Please." Castiel stared at him for a moment, studying his face, before finally nodding. Dean nodded once, opening the door for Cas to climb in and closing it gently behind him. He circled around to the driver's seat and got in, glancing at Castiel before pulling away from the building and out of the parking lot. They drove for a while in silence, before Cas realized they weren't going to his house. "Where are we going?" "It's a surprise." "Dean..." Dean pulled up to a stop sign, turning to Cas. "Cas, do you trust me?" Castiel considered for a moment, before nodding hesitantly. He'd told his parents he might be staying at Chuck's if the buses got in too late, anyway. He wouldn't be expected home. "Okay." Dean nodded. He turned the radio up to a comfortable level, and drove on. Cas wrapped his arms around himself self-consciously and leaned against the door, head on the window and his eyes on the stars. He felt Dean's eyes on him from time to time, but refused to meet them. After a while, Dean finally pulled to a stop, putting the car in park and turning it off. They were plunged into darkness, and as Castiel's eyes adjusted, he realized they were in the parking lot of a park about ten miles from their town, next to the duck pond. Cas had played here occasionally as a child, his parents dragging him along to watch his siblings play their various sports. Dean glanced at him, waiting until Cas reluctantly looked at him in return, and jerked his head, opening his door and climbing out. Cas sat for a moment before sighing heavily and exiting the vehicle as well, rubbing his hands over his arms as he realized he'd left his jacket in his locker. He jumped as a blanket landed on his shoulders, and watched as Dean walked away from him, leaning on the side of the car, looking out at the water. Castiel pulled the blanket around his shoulders, and joined him. They stood together in the quiet for a bit, watching the moon's reflection in the calm water. "I used to come out here a lot after my dad died." Dean murmured, crossing his arms. "I had nightmares, and ended up getting insomnia because I was afraid to go to sleep. After mom went to bed I'd sneak out and come out here, skip rocks, lay in the grass." He cleared his throat, shifting uneasily. "Sometimes I'd talk to him. Tell him how mad I was at him, and cry." Castiel looked at him, not speaking, but unsure of what to do with the sudden honesty. "He never let me cry. Boys don't cry, all that bullshit. He'd have blown a fuse if he'd found out about me." He huffed a humorless laugh, kicking at the ground. "Found out what?" Castiel's voice was quiet, concern bleeding through. Dean shrugged, glancing at Cas quickly before looking back at the ground, kicking a rock into the water and watching the ripples. "That I like guys." Cas stared at him, processing what he'd just said, before blurting out "You're gay?" Sighing exasperatedly, Dean shoved off the car, running a hand through his hair. "There are other sexualities, it's not just straight and gay, you know." He snapped. Flinching, Cas shrunk back against the car. "I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed." He felt the car rock as Dean collapsed heavily against it, leaning his head back against the roof and looking up at the sky. "I'm bi." He finally muttered, shoving his hands nervously in his jacket pockets. Castiel tightened the blanket around himself, nodding slowly. "Hi Bi, I'm Cas." There were no sounds for a moment save for the perfect timing of a cricket, before Dean burst out laughing, covering his face with his hands. "Oh god, Cas, really? Dad jokes?" He dropped his hands, grinning. "That was awful." Cas smiled, ducking his head. He looked up at Dean with a more serious face, studying him. "I thought you might want a tone change." Dean watched him for a moment before pressing his mouth into a line and nodding. "Thanks, Cas." They stood in silence again, breaking eye contact to watch the water again, when suddenly Dean's hand grabbed Cas wrist and pulled him to his side, lifting his finger to his lips. Cas' eyebrows furrowed, but followed Dean's finger when he pointed across the water, where a deer had approached the edge and was drinking, the small ripples spreading across the surface of the water. Cas exhaled a quiet breath, so focused on the deer he didn't realize Dean's fingers were twined with his, until she looked up suddenly and took off, as deer do. Cas jumped at the sudden change, and tightened his hand in Dean's, looking down at their joined hands in confusion. He looked up at Dean, who had tensed next to him. Castiel leaned back against the car again, dropping Dean's hand when the blanket started sliding off his shoulders, pulling it tight around him again and shifting his weight to lean against Dean's side, feeling him relax. "Why did you do that? On the bus?" Cas finally broke the silence, looking at Dean out of the corner of his eye. "I don't know." Dean shrugged, kicking at the dirt again. "I mean, I do love those pre-kiss butterflies, but I shouldn't have done that to you, it wasn't fair. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable." He pulled away from Castiel, pushing off the car on the pretense of a stretch. "Dean, I-" Cas swallowed, rubbing at the back of his neck nervously. "I was-" "Hey, Cas, don't worry, you don't have to make excuses. I fucked up, I can accept that." He was standing closer to the edge of the water with his hands in his pockets, smiling a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "You didn't fuck up." Castiel blurted, immediately blushing, thankful for the dark. "What?" Dean was staring raptly at him, smile gone from his face. "You didn't fuck up," Cas mumbled, avoiding Dean's eyes. "I wasn't uncomfortable." "You weren't?" Dean's voice was closer, and Cas looked up to find him slowly approaching him. Cas met his eyes and shook his head. "So what were you?" Dean was in front of him now, close enough to touch but far enough to give Castiel some semblance of personal space, though he'd never fully grasped the concept. Eyes dropping to the ground, Cas mumbled something inaudible, and Dean took a step closer. "What?" Castiel took a deep breath, steeling himself. He looked up at Dean, watching as something flashed through his eyes that looked a lot like hope. He swallowed nervously. "I was disappointed." Confusion contorted Dean's face, and he took a step back. "Disappointed." Cas reached out, grabbing Dean's arm and pulling him back toward him, ignoring the blanket when it slipped to the ground. He dropped his gaze to the ground, watching as Dean's shoes stopped in front of his. "I was disappointed you didn't kiss me." His confession was met with silence, and he felt his face heat in embarrassment, internally panicking, sure Dean would be able to hear his rabbit heartbeat as he tried to figure out a way out of the situation. "Cas," Dean murmured, and Cas shook his head, blinking rapidly against the tears threatening to fill his eyes. He didn't want to hear Dean's easy let down. He'd let himself hope when Dean said he was bi, but just because he liked guys doesn't mean he liked him. He cursed internally, angry at himself for getting sucked in to Dean Winchester's flirting and thinking it meant anything. "Castiel, look at me." He huffed in annoyance when Cas shook his head again, a tear escaping down his cheek. "Damn it, Cas, look at me!" He grabbed Castiel's chin, forcing his head up and brushing his thumb across Cas' cheek where the tear had fallen. Cas' eyes snapped to Dean's, his brow furrowing in confusion. Dean was studying him, a fond look on his face. "Can I kiss you?" Castiel found himself nodding before his brain decided, and inhaled sharply when Dean pressed close, one hand on Cas' waist. The other combed his hair off his forehead before cupping his jaw. He leaned in, brushing his nose gently against Cas', before ghosting his lips across his. The butterflies fluttered anxiously in Cas' stomach, and he reached for Dean to ground himself, one hand curling in the collar of his jacket and the other hovering hesitantly over Dean's hip. Dean smiled, and just like earlier, Cas felt it more than saw it. He was about to open his mouth to question when Dean closed the small space between them and pressed his lips softly to Castiel's. It was gentle and chaste, and Dean kissed Cas' lower lip as he pulled back, leaning his forehead against Castiel's. He exhaled on a laugh, and pulled back just enough to meet Cas' eyes. "Did you get butterflies?" Cas whispered, and Dean grinned wide, nodding. "Yeah, Cas." "I'm not sure I did." Cas said thoughtfully, and Dean pulled back further to look at him, his eyebrows creasing. Cas tightened his hand in Dean's jacket and pulled him forward again, smiling teasingly. "We should probably try again." Dean huffed, rolling his eyes, pulling a grinning Castiel in by the back of his neck, kissing him again. He sucked Cas' lower lip into his mouth teasing his tongue against it, and hummed in agreement when Castiel groaned softly. Cas leaned back fully against the car, pulling Dean against him, fingers slipping into the front pocket of his jeans. He opened his mouth, inviting Dean in, and both boys made noises of approval when their tongues met, the kiss deepening quickly. They broke apart, panting, and Dean held Cas' face in his hands. "God you're beautiful, Castiel." He leaned in, kissing him again, lips dropping to Cas' jaw, dragging up the shell of his ear. He nosed along Cas' cheekbone, his hand flexing on Castiel's waist. "Fucking gorgeous." He mumbled against Cas' lips before kissing him deeply, pressing Cas against the car. He ran a hand over Castiel's shoulder and down his arm, slipping his fingers between Cas' and squeezing gently. Castiel moaned quietly, snaking his free arm around Dean's neck, carding his fingers through his hair and cradling the back of his head. They pulled apart, panting against the each other's mouths, and Cas smiled, pressing a light kiss to Dean's cheek. "Definitely butterflies." Dean laughed lightly, pulling back to look at Cas and squeezing his hand. "Yeah?" Nodding, Cas smiled shyly. Sighing quietly, Dean dropped his head to Cas' shoulder. "I should probably get you home, huh?" Castiel shrugged, jostling Dean's head. "I told my parents that if the buses got in too late that I might just crash at Chuck's. They're not really expecting me. Dean pulled back, looking at him hopefully. "Really?" He grinned when Cas nodded. "Um, well," he started nervously, scratching at his hair. "Mom is out of town, up in South Dakota visiting Aunt Jody, and since I wasn't going to be home until late, Sammy stayed the night at a friend's house. Do you want to come over?" Hesitating, Cas opened his mouth, but Dean cut him off. "You don't have to. And if you want to, we don't have to do this," he gestured between the two of them. "we can just watch a movie, or play video games, or just sleep. Whatever you want to do, I'm fine with, and-" Cas cut him off with a soft press of his lips. "I would love to come over." He held up a finger when Dean opened his mouth. "I think we might need to talk about what this" he gestured between them as Dean had. "is, but we can figure things out from there. Sleep does sound nice, though." He kissed Dean gently, his lips lingering against Dean's. "Sleeping next to you sounds even better." He smiled when he heard Dean laugh breathlessly before he nodded. They parted, Dean wrapping the blanket around Castiel's shoulders again before they got in the car, Dean leaning over to kiss Cas' cheek before he drove off, and Castiel watched him, a fond smile playing at the corner of his mouth. At a stoplight, Dean looked over at him and grinned, winking. "What are you thinking about that's got you smiling like that?" Castiel reached across the seat, taking Dean's hand. "Butterflies."

#marilyn writes #writing #destiel #fic #fanfic

[thelifeofemmar]

30 Day Challenge: Day 1

Put your music on shuffle. List the first 10 songs that play and how you feel about them.

1. Payphone (feat. Wiz Khalifa) by Maroon 5 -- This song  reminds me of the early 2010′s (so weird that we are about to be in the 20′s again). I do enjoy this song, but mainly from the memories that are attached to it. I remember my best friend (Katy) and I were in 7th grade, and we would play this song, and songs like it while we wrote fanfic on the Quotev or doing each other’s makeup. So, I do really enjoy this song.

2. Somewhere in Neverland (Acoustic) by All Time Low -- Oh, how I love this song. I love both the normal version (I actually play it on bass guitar) and this version. My other best friend (Ashley) and I wrote a color guard/winter guard routine for this version, mainly tall flag work. It is a really good song, and if you haven't heard of it, I recommend you looking it up.

3. Top Of The World by The All-American Rejects -- Lets take a throw back to the time when punk music was somewhat popular. This isn’t my favorite song by AAR, but it is still pretty good. My sister does enjoy this song more than me. However, it is a good song to play while you’re cleaning your room, because you can easily sing along with it.

4. Natural Disaster by Zac Brown Band -- So, Zac Brown is one of my favorite country bands. If you don’t like country, this is a good band to start with. This song starts with a very hymn like sound (hymns are songs that are typically played in churches), but it quickly picks up the tempo 30 seconds in. This song reminds me of my best friend Katy (in a good way if you’re reading Katy). It is also a very fun song to sing along to.

5. Candyman by Christina Aguilera -- This is also an older song from the early 2000′s. I remember singing along to this when I was a kid, well before I knew what it was referring to. Like most of these songs, it is a song I enjoy singing along with. I also lift weights to this song or I’ll do color guard warm-ups (like drop spins or singles) to, because it has a fast but not too fast tempo, which makes it a perfect song to do that type of stuff to. It’s also a pretty good running song.

6. I Got A Boy by Girls Generation -- Yes, I listen to K-pop, and this is probably my favorite k-pop song. It was the song that got me into k-pop (and I only understand like 5% of this song). However, I do know that it is basically about a high school girl who has a crush on a boy. I know that there is more to it, but that what comes to my mind.

7. Night Enchanted by Trans-Siberian Orchestra -- If you haven’t noticed by now, I have a pretty broad range when it comes to music. But, I’ve actually played this song in high school marching band. Well, we played the normal version, not the rock version and we called it Dies Irae (that’s the original name). And when I was in the Carolina Color Guard (last year), it was and is used for one of the downs cheers.

8. Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd -- I do enjoy this song, my whole family does,a s it is older than most of us, the lyrics are pretty simple, and you can substitute ‘Alabama’ with most southern states. And in my family, we hardly sing it using the word Alabama, because my family is an LSU family and we hate Alabama. But that’s mostly during the college football season.

9. 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton -- No, I did not plan that. This song is pretty great, but it’s my second favorite (no. 1 is Jolene, duh) by Dolly. I just need to point out how great a person Dolly is. Like y’all need to read about what she has done, okay? You won’t regret it. But this song it very preppy. It reminds me of the 1950′s and 1960′s (this song was written in 1980) when women only worked till they got married or had kids, so like in Mad Men, and only men had jobs that were in change of the companies.  CarolinaBand preformed this song in their Work-it: A Labor Day Celebration in 2018. And like all Dolly songs, it is really fun to sing along to, but it isn’t as country as some of her other songs

10. Stars and Stripes Forever by John Philip Sousa -- I love this song. This is my one of my favorite marches. I play piccolo, so it is my dream to perform the piccolo soli (it’s a soli, not a solo, because the whole section plays it, not just one person). This is also the national march of the United States. If you’re going to listen to a recording of this song, only listen to the Marine Band or the President’s Own Band performing it, all the other bands (especially other military bands) don’t do it the same as these two.

So, these are the first ten songs that my phone decided to play

#music #day 1 #30 day challenge #10 songs

[jonasmaurer]

Friday Faves

Hey hey! Happy Friday! What are you up to this weekend? The Pilot has some work stuff to do – he’s jumped into it, which is exciting even though I quite got used to him being around all day lol – so the girls and I are getting together with some friends. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous, so I think we’ll be spending time outdoors enjoying the sunshine. It’s also hilarious that this time last week it SNOWED, and today it’s supposed to be 80. I’ll take it.

It’s been a pretty fun and busy week over here. The girls have had their usual after-school activities, I meal-planned so we had real dinners each night (minus the necessary Taco Tuesday at Calle Tepa) and finished some work projects. Livi was a giraffe in her school musical, which was pretty much the cutest ever. 

  Now it’s time for the weekly Friday Faves party! This is where I share some of my fave finds from the week and I always love to hear about what you’re enjoying, too. <3

Fashion + beauty:

  (Took my *new* vintage LV for a spin and wore non-athletic clothes… a t-shirt and jeans.. one day this week)

My faaaaave sunless tanner is back. If I look like I have a smidgen of color to my skin, it’s because of this magic. This is my #1 self tanner because it has natural and organic ingredients and a lovely tone; it’s not orange-y in the least and layers really well. 

The Shopbop sale is here! (Tiered savings with the code GOBIG19. It ends in 2 days!)

This is when I go usually through and pick a few staples for spring and summer.

Some of my top picks:

This everyday side knot dress.

The details on this dress is gorgeous for a special occasion, vacation or summer date night. 

A flowy floral wrap dress.

Fit and flare shirtdress.

Sugar skull tank.

Greece slides.

Classic Golden Goose sneakers. 

Destroyed shorts.

Loving all of the statement earrings!

  Read, watch, listen:

My latest post for WebMD about why you shouldn’t neglect your hands and feet!

Babysitters Club fo life.

Watching Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper at the Oscars. I probably watched this video 20 times this week. 

(Along with the rest of the internet, I think they’re in love and need to be together but then they released this and crushed my dreams.)

6 years? I think this is full of lies. Liv is 7 and here we are in the same zombie state we were when we had a newborn. (At least both kids slept well from when they were about 6 months until 2ish and they realized they could get out of bed. Then it was all over. We are starting the new sleep plan from our sleep therapist, but have to wait a bit because the Pilot started his job earlier than we expected. This is a good thing! But we didn’t want him to show up on his second day of work feeling horrible and tired.)

Get it, Jack Black.

An interesting article about the death of mail-order meal kits. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one! I’m a huge fan of Blue Apron and Sunbasket, but we haven’t used them in a long time. I stopped after we came to Tucson because it was just the girls and myself, and haven’t started back up. I may change my mind in the spring, but for now, I’m enjoying shopping for our own groceries again and planning out meals.

Southwest is going to start flying to Hawaii! Don’t mind me over here with a lei and a coconut drink, getting stoked about it. 

El Charro and Barrio Bread (the best!) are nominated for James Beard Awards.

Fitness:

A quick barre workout (and video) you can do anywhere.

A resistance band glutes workout.

Keeping active may decrease risk of dementia.

14 things that will be everywhere this year.

Good eats:

We tried Blue Ice gelato and all of their gelato is made fresh in house. This was a vegan sweet potato coconut gelato and it was amaaaaazing. This is going to be a thing this summer, for sure.

To celebrate March, try out this amazing cocktail recipe.

An awesome and healthy meal prep option. 

Brb I need these bars in my life.

  Happy Friday, friends! See anything you loved on the internet this week? Feel free to shout it out in the comments section! 

xo

Gina

The post Friday Faves appeared first on The Fitnessista.

Friday Faves published first on https://olimpsportnutritionde.tumblr.com/

[depressionrants]

Just Stressed

Ok folks this is a long story so buckle up your seat belts and get ready for the ride. I would also like to say that this is told from my point of view so of course I am going to be biased but I will do my best to keep my emotions out of it to give you the best picture of this scenario I can (though i will insert sarcastic comments or side notes like this on occasion)

So this all started my freshman year of university. When I started I knew two people at my university but that changed rather quickly as I was a part of the marching band and as any band kid knows your section in band basically becomes your family whether you like it or not. I am a fairly shy individual and normally kept to myself but found it easy to make friends in the band because we all generally had similar interests. During band camp I found out that one of the girls in my section also lived right down the hall from me ( co-ed residence halls are pretty common around where I live). I would also like to mention that band camp is the entire week before classes start so campus was fairly deserted. Now of course since we were all still fairly busy we only spoke on occasion but it always seemed to be a pleasant conversation, I’ll refer to her as Amanda.

Now take a quick jump to next week when classes start. Syllabus week at my university , like many, is a fairly easy week, very few teachers actually start teaching and even fewer give homework so I didn’t pay too much attention in those classes and just focused on getting settled into my dorm and getting to know my roommate. During the second week of classes I started to notice some of the people I had met in band were in the same classes as me which was pretty cool but I had a majority of the same classes with Amanda, it turns out we had the same major and were taking a lot of the same classes. So of course Amanda and I started hanging out (she was incredibly smart and really good at the classes, I was not) After some time Amanda and I were hanging out almost daily either at my dorm or hers, so much so that my roommate would just let her into my room if I wasn’t there (suite style dorms, separate bedrooms but shared kitchenette and bathroom my bedroom door was usually unlocked) I of course didn’t mind this Amanda usually needed to print something and our library was a long walk a way so she would just use my printer or she would want to get away from her roommate. We ended up hanging out almost every day for the entire year and I was invited to her home a couple of times to meet her family.

Fast forward to the summer, I got a job making some decent money working in a warehouse a couple hours from my hometown and I was staying with some family that lived close to the warehouse. I found out that Amanda lived fairly close to where I was staying for that summer. Amanda and I would hang out about once a week while we tried to juggle work and summer classes but it still worked out fairly well. Also during this time I had decided to move in with a guy that I’ll call Michael for story telling purposes and his friend Adam. We met up a couple of times to decide who needed to bring what to the apartment and decide on any rules and that sort of thing. Michael and I became friends through a friend of a friend situation (very long story, different day) but anyways Michael introduced me to Adam and we all got along pretty well despite having different hobbies.

Jumping forward again to the start of the fall semester, I moved into an apartment with Adam and Michael and things seemed to be going pretty good. I had changed my major so I didn’t have any classes with Amanda any more but she was living in a different residence hall that was right down the road from my apartment. My new major didn’t have as many classes and we generally a good bit easier so I had more free time than what I had grown used to. Michael, Adam and I would usually grab dinner together or watch a movie or something to hang out and things were going pretty good at the apartment. Amanda was constantly busy with classes so I would go to her dorm and keep her company while she did her homework. Usually my keeping her company consisted of playing on my phone or listening to music while she worked or studied and occasionally listened to her rant (I like to think I’m a good listener) and of course Amanda would occasionally come over to the apartment to do homework (Use my printer) and just hang out. It was at this point that I started develop a little bit of a crush on Amanda.

Now, for some reference here, I have been in this situation before where I have been friends with a girl for a while and I develop a crush. What ended up happening in the past is that it eventually comes out that I have a crush, the person doesn’t feel the same way, and said person talks to me less and less until they have stopped talking to me and hanging out with me altogether. What sucks most when this happens is that by the time I develop a crush on anyone they are already a close friend and are in one of my inner circles that very few people ever become a part of. So when whoever the person is stops talking to me I really have lost one of my closest friends and I won’t lie, it hurts.

Getting back to the story now, I am hanging out with Amanda nearly every night and we were getting fairly close. I have made a personal decision that even though I have a crush on Amanda I am not going to try and date her or anything like that just because she is a good friend and I enjoy hanging out with her as things were. There were also plenty of amazing women at my university so to me it was no big deal. So Amanda and I continue to hang out and everything seems to be going great, of course we are both stressed from college and other things but that’s just college life for you.

Now dear reader is the beginning of when shit started to get good, and then very bad (for me at least). Over winter break Amanda and I were texting fairly constantly or we would stay on a phone call for a couple hours. In the evening we would Skype for hours, both of us doing our own thing and not talking too much but just enjoying each others company. During one of our many conversations we got on the topic of crushes and relationships. Of course the question comes up if I have a crush on anyone.

Sorry to interject again but this is more important information. I hate lying. I don’t like lying to other people and I especially don’t like being lied to. I could make another equally long post about how much I hate lying and why but that’s a different day. For now I will leave it that all of my friends know I hate lying and I have told every single one of them that I can’t be mad at them for telling me the truth. I might be mad for a few minutes or maybe even an hour but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter because they were respectful enough to tell me the truth. On the flip side if they lie to me and I find out I will be far more upset than I ever would have been if they had just told me the truth in the first place. That being said I can also forgive very easily, a meaningful apology and a hug and it’s like I was never angry. But I’m rambling.

Back to the story (again) Amanda asked me if I had a crush on anyone and I of course chose to tell her the truth. I forget the exact wording of the text but I remember what it consisted of. The text was something along the lines of “yes, I actually have a little bit of a crush on you. I’m pretty sure you don’t feel the same about me though and I completely understand that, I just never said anything because we are really good friends and I didn’t want to mess anything up” (yes I am actually like this, I’m not some “white knight” or some shit and I’m not making it up. I’ve just been through enough crap that I don’t get my hoped about anything and I never want to upset people though I fail at that often) so I send the message and prepare myself for the “I just don’t feel the same way about you etc...” and the eventual time where they start talking to me. My phone buzzes and I steel my nerves to read the response I know is coming I open the text and I read“ Peyton... I like you too.” Well then.... that’s....that’s not at all what I expected... huh. So I reply with my infinite wisdom “wait... really?” to which she responds with yes really... well its safe to say I am pretty dumbstruck at this point, this is not a common thing for me. So after a little more conversation and once I had managed to comprehend what had happened we agreed to keep everything light and talk more when we got back to our university. So we kept talking and the more we talked the longer the phone conversations and skype calls became. Now my dear reader you may be saying “ I thought you said this is where things started to go bad?” just hang on a minute, that part is coming.

So take another quick jump and it’s the day before classes start in the spring semester and Amanda, Michael, Adam and I all decided to go grab dinner at the dining hall. Adam and Michael have met Amanda on a number of occasions and they enjoy hanging out with her because she is just a chill person to have around. So we went to the dining hall and we are all joking around and poking a little bit of fun at each other without really meaning anything hurtful by it. This is where Amanda really started to take a lot more jabs at me than usual and the jokes were a little more personal than usual, I brushed it off as both of us just being a little awkward about everything and assumed everything would go back to normal before too long. That night Amanda and I are in her dorm getting ready for classes that start tomorrow, it was a lot of the usual stuff, joking around and she occasionally getting frustrated about something or someone and me listening to her rants then trying to lighten the mood. I had decided I wasn’t going to try to “make a move” for lack of better terms that night because we were both stressed about classes and still just a little awkward about the whole situation. The next day we go to eat at the dining commons again, I’m running a little late because I had no idea how to get to the dining hall from one of my classes (building I’ve never been in before or since then) so when I walked in Amanda was already sitting with Michael and Adam. We resume our normal joking but Amanda starts getting a lot more personal with her jokes than the night before and some of the jokes aimed at me were just borderline cruel. Again, I do my best to brush everything off and laugh at myself. That night was the same as the night before but Amanda wasn’t talking to me as much and when she did she seemed very distant, as if she wasn’t interested in what was going on. I make it a point to ask her to lay off just a little because some of the jokes she made about me were a little too cruel, she said she jokes around like that a lot and that she didn’t mean anything by it. The next day Amanda is still taking jabs at me though they weren’t as mean as the ones she made the night before.

Tuesdays and Thursdays were my stressful days that semester because that is where about 80% of my classes ended up on my schedule, we get to dinner that night and I’m more than a little drained from the stress of the day and not in the greatest of moods, but I put on a smile and do my best to be in a good mood for when I meet everyone for dinner. After I get there (a little late again) and the normal joking ensues Amanda starts making jokes aimed at me that are really cruel, so much so that Adam and Michael were uncomfortable and sat in silence for most of the dinner. I opted to not go to Amanda’s that night but instead text her a simple question “Amanda, do you like me or not?” I knew what the answer would be but I was hoping that I would be wrong again. I get Amanda’s reply and it’s exactly as I expected “I thought I did but it turns out I don’t in sorry I didn’t tell you I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings” (remember that thing I said about lying? Hiding the truth is almost as bad as flat-out lying) so in another moment of my infinite wisdom I ask a question I really do not want to know the answer to “when did you know you didn’t like me in that way” Amanda’s response was something along the lines if she knew it as soon as she told me she did like me and that she wanted to like me but she just couldn’t force herself to. I tell her that I wish she had just told me as soon as she realized it, it would’ve saved the both of us a lot of time and unnecessary stress. She says she knows but she just wanted to protect my feelings, so I tell her that it’s fine I’m upset but not with her, I told her I was just going to go for a walk to get some fresh air and clear my head ( I have always done this, it reminds me of all my days camping and something about the night atmosphere is very calming to me. She says ok and just asks me to be safe, I promise her I will and head out.

As I often do out on my walks I turned off my phone so I didn’t have any distractions and proceeded to wander around campus and take in the sights. Unbeknownst to me Amanda is texting Michael asking if I am ok and if he knows where I am (I make it a habit to tell my roommates where I’m going if I go out on a walk so if something were to happen they know where to start looking) Amanda is very worried so Michael offers to pick her up and bring her over to our apartment until I get back to which she agrees. I came back about an hour and a half later because it was just a little too chilly out for my taste, surprised to see Amanda there but not upset. She and I talk a little more and agree that it would be best to just give me some time to get my thoughts together and clear my head and then I’ll be as good as new. Michael offers to drive Amanda back so that things won’t be awkward, I say my goodby and they head out. I decided to wait for Michael to get back to thank him for helping me out and for being understanding but the thing is... he didn’t come back that night. I eventually decide to turn in because it is late and even though I don’t have class until noon tomorrow I’d like to get up early and make myself some breakfast.

I wake up decently early the next morning and after a quick shower I go start making myself some coffee and something to eat. I’m sure you can imagine my surprise and confusion when Michael and Amanda walked in the front door, Michael still in the same clothes from the previous night, neither of them look at me and make a beeline to Michael’s room. I have many suspicions at this point but I try to put them aside and I head to my class. When I get back Adam is in the living room and I ask if he had seen Michael, he said that Michael was in his room and that Amanda was also in there. So I send Michael a text and ask if I can talk to him for a second if he isn’t too busy. Michael comes out and I ask him what’s going on.

Michael tells me that he took Amanda home and they were talking and at some point during their conversation Amanda said she liked him. Michael wasn’t too pleased with this at first and asked about me (god bless him) and said it’s kind of crappy with the whole way she is handling this situation. She agrees and they talk for several hours and finally they both agree they need to go to bed and Amanda offers to let Michael stay with her for the night. Michael said he was hesitant at first but eventually agreed, but he assured me nothing happened between them that night. We talked a little bit more about everything and I just thanked him for telling me the truth about it, I then asked if I could talk to Amanda as well because there were some things I wanted to figure out. Michael says she was taking a nap in his bed before he and I started talking but he’d see if she was awake and if she was he’d let her I know I wanted to talk. I thank him again and he headed back to his room.

Amanda comes and knocks on my door and I just ask her to tell me what was going on, she tells me a much more abbreviated version of what Michael had already told me and she also assured me they didn’t do anything that night (idk why people think I care about that so much, I’m a cuddler and a hugger and I always have been) I tell her I am upset because this could have been handled in so many better ways and everything would be fine right now, Amanda agreed and said she didn’t want to mess anything up between the two of us because she really liked hanging out with my roommates and didn’t want anything to happen so she couldn’t hang out with all of us (aka she didn’t want me mad at her so she couldn’t hang out with Michael and Adam, sorry I’ll try to stop inserting these comments) so I tell her I won’t make it awkward, I do however tell her about a few of the past times this has happened to me and make it clear that I did not want that to happen, that I was fine if she and Michael liked each other or if they dated because I am her friend and I want her to be happy, I just don’t want to be left behind and forgotten about she assures me she isn’t like the other people that have done that to me and seemed somewhat upset that people would treat other like that.

Now it’s time for the really interesting stuff. So after all this went down, I withdrew into myself a little bit, partly because of stress from classes and starting a new job and partly from that situation. Eventually I started going to therapy where I was diagnosed with a severe case of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and a mood case of depression, I explained what was going on to my roommates and Amanda and they were very supportive. After a couple weeks Michael and Adam started talking to me less and less and I rarely spoke to Amanda, things didn’t get better either, the three of them were always hanging out and making plans right in front of me while still excluding me from the plan.

When I noticed this happen my depression took a turn for the worse and my therapist highly suggested (practically mandated) that I start exercising to help pull me out of the downward spiral I was in. So I started hitting the gym every night and used it as a place to get all my frustrations out and to get away from the apartment when I needed to because at this point I felt like a stranger in my own home. I also started a really small Instagram page where I could rant a little whenever I got frustrated and needed to get done things off my chest. One day while at the gym Amanda walks in and demands that we talk (it was the fun for my apartment complex, it is rare to find people in there at night even though it is well stocked) so I set my weights down and give her my full attention. Amanda starts yelling at me about how I shouldn’t be posting about her online, yells at me that she isn’t a hypocrite and that she never stabbed me in the back and wrapped the whole thing up with if I have a problem with her I should say it to her face and not post about it online. By now my lovely reader if you are confused don’t worry, I was too. For one I allowed about 5 people to follow my finsta and Amanda nor my roommates were among the people allowed to follow said page. Second, I never put any names in my rants and there want a single post on my page that referred to her and her alone. So I tell Amanda these things and she shows me screenshots she got from a friend of my finsta page and of some of my posts (that “friend” was blocked from my page very soon afte that) and after I see what posts she is talking about I explain the her who those posts were actually referring to, she does not believe me one bit and starts to yell at me again (that’s fine, it’s not like I went on a rant about how much I hate lying or anything) but I quickly stop her and pull up text messages between the person that had stabbed me in the back and I and told her the story of what happened (I stuck my neck out to defend someone and the person I defended immediately started talking crap about me to all of her friends) so Amanda apologizes for assuming and asks me why I’ve been very short and cold with her and my roommates recently. I again decide to tell the truth and tell her how I’ve felt like a stranger in my own apartment and how terrible it is to have plans made right in front of you with people you used to hang out with and not be invited. Amanda says that they never intended to make me feel that way and said she was sorry but that she didn’t want to give me a hug because of how sweaty I was (leg day, I don’t blame her) so we talk a little more and I finish my workout.

And for the next week or two they included me in their plans, we all joked around and hung out and everything felt great, just like old times. My therapist even noticed the change in my mood and agreed that hanging out with them was helping me out a lot more than she had anticipated. (of course I had been hanging out with other friends too but it’s weird not hanging out with the people you live with and see every single day, especially if you used to hang out with them a lot) but after those two weeks things started to slip back and I was being left out again and being treated like a stranger in my own home.

So let’s jump forward one more time to present day (this is a fun one folks). Whenever Amanda is frustrated with Adam or Michael she takes her frustrations out on me because I don’t argue and I generally don’t fight back (not a physical fight) Michael frustrates her because he wants to spend most of his time doing his hobbies and she feels like he should pay more attention to her. How do I know this you ask? Because she has recently started ranting to me about how much of an ass Michael is whenever she is upset with him and tells me all about what he does that pisses her off, I sit there as I have always done and listen without saying a word. Recently I started an Instagram page for a small business I am starting up and I posted some ideas for a logo for the company so people could tell me which one they liked the best. Michael and Adam started a YouTube channel together whenever we first moved into our apartment and even though it’s about one of their hobbies I never quite understood I still try to support them because they love to do it. Now going back to the logo thing, one of the logo ideas I posted looked similar to one of the several logos that Michael and Adam use for their YouTube channel, they tell me they don’t have a problem because the logo for my business is still different enough and since it is advertising for something completely different that it doesn’t matter at all. Amanda however decided she had a huge problem with this (right after I listened to her rant about Michael for an hour straight) and decided to blow up the comments section of my post attacks on my business and on me personally (“if you have a problem with me you should say it to my face, don’t post about it online” “I’m not a hypocrite”) so I delete the comments and block her from my business page. So that’s the point in at now, I could do nothing and Amanda will get mad at me for something, she and my roommates are still leaving me out of ALL of their plans despite me inviting them anytime I’m making plans, and after being mad at me Amanda taking to me just like old times when she is frustrated with Michael or when Michael and Adam are both busy and she needs someone to talk to.

So that really wraps it up, I’m sure there are a few specific times she was mad at me here and there that would be fun to tell but I just needed somewhere to get all of this off my chest. And if one of you had read through this whole thing I just want to say thank you, I don’t to make Amanda out to be a horrible person because I am biased and she is going to have her own version of this story so take everything you read with a grain of salt. Thank you again for reading this if you made it all the through and I just hope you have a good day 😁

[flirting-with-psychology]

1. are you religious?

No

2. what animal do you think you’re most like?

Maybe a cat? Idk

3. how do you take your coffee?

I don’t

4. how old were you when you had your first kiss?

18

5. museum date or aquarium date?

Maybe aquarium, since I don’t go to those as often

6. do you have any tattoos or piercings? do you want more?

Just my ears pierced. I don’t think I want more

7. favorite fruits?

Strawberries and blueberries

8. favorite vegetables?

Corn and carrots

9. i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)

You don’t seem creepy. I usually give most people a first date even if I don’t think I like them

10. do you cry a lot?

Not really 

11. who are your closest friends?

Right now probably Cristi and my roommates

12. have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?

No

13. do you play any video games?

Not really

14. did you ever have an emo or scene phase?

No

15. what color is most of your wardrobe?

It varies

16. what do you like to do for fun?

Uhhhh

17. what is your biggest fear?

Spiders

18. name a subject you know a lot about.

Harry Potter

19. favorite fictional characters?

Kelsier from Mistborn has got to be my all-time fave

20. do you read a lot? what are your favorite books?

I used to but I haven’t lately. Harry Potter, Mistborn, The Hunger Games

21. how would you describe your style?

Girly-casual

22. did you have a favorite stuffed animal when you were little? do you still own it?

Bruno and Muffin and yes I still own them

23. what’s something most people love that you hate?

Tomato sauce

24. do you think you’re a good singer?

Fairly decent

25. who do you live with?

Mostly people from the clarinet section in the marching band, plus one other

26. favorite desserts?

Chocolate, cake, candy

27. what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

Maybe doing marching band

28. favorite makeup brands?

I don’t really have favorite brands, I just like specific products

29. favorite clothing stores/brands?

I get a lot from Kohl’s and Macy’s. I also like All That Jazz dresses and White House Black Market, even though I can’t afford it

30. what was your first job?

Working at the front desk of my dorm

31. do you take a lot of naps?

No, I hate naps

32. what is your favorite part about your body?

My eyes maybe?

33. are you more dominant or more submissive?

Submissive

34. are you more outgoing or more shy?

Shy, and I really wish I weren’t

35. how tall are you?

5′6″

36. what is your body type?

Not fat but likes pasta a bit too much

37. favorite flower?

I don’t really have one

38. favorite planet?

Never really thought about it. Maybe Venus, Saturn, or Pluto

39. what do you want to dress up as for halloween this year?

Idk, it’s too early. Last Halloween I dressed up as Julian Devorak

40. do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

I tend to date a little younger, but I like guys who are the same or a little older as well

41. describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.

I have a few smaller crushes at the moment but I guess I’ll describe my roommate since I made an excellent life decision and slept with him. He’s funny, pretty sweet, tall, in band, does magic tricks

42. who is your biggest inspiration?

I don’t really have one. I have a few for different facets I guess, one I always list is Tracy Turnblad for attitude, one is my friend Lukas for how to politely reject someone, one is my roommate for having fun

43. do you have any kinks?

Kinda, it was really hot to do it in a hot tub and I think it would be fun to do it in a steam room too

44. do you own any pets?

A cat but she lives with my mom

45. which celebrity do people say you look the most like?

They don’t really. I once got compared to Sheldon’s girlfriend on The Big Bang Theory, and I could see it. I would like to think I look like Lea Michele but that’s a bit optimistic

46. do you like sports?

Not really, but some have grown on me through band

47. have you ever seen a broadway musical?

I’ve seen several!

48. what is your favorite kind of food?

Carbs

49. would you rather be a fairy or a mermaid?

Mermaid

50. what is your instagram?

I don’t have one

51. glossy lips or matte lips?

Glossy I guess? But both can be a look, glossy just dries out your lips less

52. do you like cherry, grape, blue raspberry, watermelon, or green apple jolly ranchers the best?

Blue raspberry

53. what are your best personality traits?

Creative, I’d like to think I’m funny, honest, smart

54. what is your ethnicity?

White, Russian Jewish background

55. what different hair colors have you had?

Just brown so far but I’m thinking of doing an ombre

56. favorite disney princess?

Rapunzel

57. favorite album of 2017?

Idfk what came out in 2017

58. have you ever had braces?

Oh yes. 4 years of them

59. favorite holiday?

Halloween

60. post a selfie.

Nah

61. are you a good swimmer?

I can swim but I’m not skilled at it

62. do you wear jewelry?

Yes

63. can you play any instruments?

Clarinet

64. do you have any siblings?

No

65. are your grandparents still alive? how old are they?

One grandma is still alive, I think she’s like 86

66. who knows the most about you?

My parents

67. are you a more quiet person or do you talk a lot?

More quiet I guess

68. what advice would you give to your 13 year old self?

Be more adventurous

69. how many pillows do you sleep on?

2

70. ask any question you’d like.

N/A

#survey